The Depression Thread

[Rex Idiotarum]

I think, along with intelligence, I seek open mindedness. The moment you tell me something is wrong, without being able to tell me why, that's when you loose me.

Now I wanna hear Bor's trash story...

[Sisqui]

I think, along with intelligence, I seek open mindedness. The moment you tell me something is wrong, without being able to tell me why, that's when you loose me.

Now I wanna hear Bor's trash story...

Just remember the old saying "If your mind is too open, your brain will fall out." Being open to new ideas is one thing, suspending judgement (or worse, demeaning judgement itself) is another :smalleek: .

And yes, the trash story may be interesting :smallbiggrin:

[Rex Idiotarum]

"What doesn't kill me... only has beaten me half to death."

I accept that I will die, like I have accepted that I will never bare children. My goal is to experience as much as I can before that happens. Turning down something due to things like "Judgment" only goes against that goal. So, I won't turn down anything that isn't at least safe enough to live through.

[Serpentine]

"Honey, could you take out the trash?"
"What trash? I don't see any trash."
"This trash." Points to trash.
"That doesn't exist, nothing does, you're all parts of my imagination."
"Really? Well, if I don't exist, then you don't need me to..."
"Meh, I'm a solipsist. I could do that myself."
*Stares at each other for a couple seconds, and then starts making out.*...This sounds familiar. So... that's what you expected to happen?:smallconfused: :smalleek:
:smalltongue:

[Sisqui]

"What doesn't kill me... only has beaten me half to death."

I accept that I will die, like I have accepted that I will never bare children. My goal is to experience as much as I can before that happens. Turning down something due to things like "Judgment" only goes against that goal. So, I won't turn down anything that isn't at least safe enough to live through.

Um.........well, your gender icon is male so I kind of assumed that much. :smallconfused: You mean you don't want to father children? Or are you one of those people who uses gender icons at random? I swear I saw a picture of you on the You thread once....... With a katana or something :smallconfused:

*scurries off to look at You thread*

EDIT: Well, you do LOOK like a male.........

[Rex Idiotarum]

Yeah, I'm male, by birth, by body, but planning on guilt tripping anyone who says that women should be appreciated more for that ability. At least they get the option.

[Sisqui]

Yeah, I'm male, by birth, by body, but planning on guilt tripping anyone who says that women should be appreciated more for that ability. At least they get the option.

Having given birth myself, I won't argue with that. It is THE most amazing experience, bar none. I am actually sad that men can't experience it. It might explain a lot about women to them :smallbiggrin:

[TigerHunter]

Weekends always depress me. Without school, I usually end up sitting around the house all day wasting my time on the computer, with occasional walks around the block for a breath of fresh air.

With a three-day weekend ahead of me, I want to try something different... but I'm at a loss as to what, exactly. It's too cold to go hiking in the forest preserve, my girlfriend is up in Wisconsin, and most of the people at school already have plans.

Maybe that's the problem. I turned down a party invitation for tonight because I dislike major social functions. But at the same time, I'm too nervous to approach any of the people I laugh and cry with at school and ask them if they want to hang out sometime. Since my hospitalization, I've really tried to turn my life around--and succeeded, for the most part. But I'm still not happy--and as much as I call myself a misanthrope, I know that its mainly because I don't have enough social contact to really appreciate people.

Any ideas on how I should spend my weekend?

[Rex Idiotarum]

:smallfrown: Rub it in...

Okay, then, I think I need to get out of here, then. To a place like anywhere. I need to go to a Dorm College, where I can be forced to get off my computer every once in a while... Really, the only challenge I find here is though my computer; it's been well noted by everyone around me that I can't be separated from it. I think the only thing that prevents me from using it while driving is the lack of a wireless internet card.

Don't worry, a combination Text to Speech and Speech to Text means I can do so without looking.

[Sisqui]

Maybe what we need here is a thread for fun, interesting and self contained things that people in ruts can do just to liven up their lives a bit. I know when I was really depressed, one thing that helped me break out of it was to decide to take my "dream vacation". I took a cruise to Alaska, helicoptered out to a glacier and went trekking. That's a little extreme for most people to do on a regular basis (me included) but maybe if anyone has any small routine breakers they could share it for others to try.

And I wasn't trying to rub it in, Rex. And besides, my husband still thought the experience was amazing even if HE wasn't the one in labor for 12 hours before getting a C-section. It is an amazing experience- but I sure wouldn't call it a glamorous one! :smalleek: Men CAN be awed by it too. :smallsmile:

[Rex Idiotarum]

No, I mean, if I had a plan, I'd fake my own death and go off somewhere, start a completely new life. The only thing I care about is my computer.

Really, even including myself.

[TigerHunter]

I know when I was really depressed, one thing that helped me break out of it was to decide to take my "dream vacation". I took a cruise to Alaska, helicoptered out to a glacier and went trekking.
If only I could. I'll have to settle for trying to go see a play.

[Sisqui]

If only I could. I'll have to settle for trying to go see a play.

You can find a million reasons NOT to do something, but to actually do it you only need one. If you really want it- MAKE it happen. You know, as long as you don't want, say, anti-gravity boots or something :smallwink:


No, I mean, if I had a plan, I'd fake my own death and go off somewhere, start a completely new life. The only thing I care about is my computer.

Really, even including myself.

What does your computer have that you don't? If it is worth something to you, then it provides you with something. If having that something is important to you, satisfying your needs is important to you. If satisfying your needs is important to you, YOU must be important to you. I think it may be more that you as you currently see yourself is worthless to you. But obviously, if a "new life" appeals to you, then the you that you could be is of some value. So it isn't YOU that you don't care about, it's you that you don't care about. And that lowercase you is something you can alter if you so choose. Life is not static. Where you are is not where you MUST be. If you do really want to recreate yourself and fashion a new life, DO IT. :smallsmile:

[13_CBS]

You know, as long as you don't want, say, anti-gravity boots or something :smallwink:

What?!

NOOOOOOO!!!

[Rex Idiotarum]

Hm... I should study hypnosis, philosophy, Psychology, and Law, and become a Lobbyist.

No one will be able to win an argument against me.

[Sisqui]

What?!

NOOOOOOO!!!

Well, if we must have anti-gravity boots, I suppose we could just get the flux capacitor to reverse the polarity on the shields so we can close the rift in the time-space continuum, which, as we all know, should warp the laws of physics sufficiently to make anti-gravity boots possible.

If we must :smallsigh:

:smalltongue:



Hm... I should study hypnosis, philosophy, Psychology, and Law, and become a Lobbyist.

No one will be able to win an argument against me.
Meaning someone has managed to do so before? :smallwink:

[Rex Idiotarum]

Yeah, I once had a four-year argument upon the nature of Time Travel. I'm a Hard Determinist, you see, so naturally, I choose the Predestination Paradox.

my friend argues that you cannot have time travel. After spending a year, I managed to convince him that time travel exists. Eventually, it was decided that no, you cannot change the present through the past, if, you keep the wormhole open through it, but your involvement dramatically changes the future of the world you enter, so if you went there, it would be nothing like how today's world is. Even if you spend less than a second in it, due to the butterfly effect.

It's very confusing.

[averagejoe]

Having given birth myself, I won't argue with that. It is THE most amazing experience, bar none. I am actually sad that men can't experience it. It might explain a lot about women to them

As a quick aside, I've never really gotten why claim not to get women. I mean, seriously, it isn't that difficult if you just stop and think about it for awhile.


Weekends always depress me. Without school, I usually end up sitting around the house all day wasting my time on the computer, with occasional walks around the block for a breath of fresh air.

With a three-day weekend ahead of me, I want to try something different... but I'm at a loss as to what, exactly. It's too cold to go hiking in the forest preserve, my girlfriend is up in Wisconsin, and most of the people at school already have plans.

Maybe that's the problem. I turned down a party invitation for tonight because I dislike major social functions. But at the same time, I'm too nervous to approach any of the people I laugh and cry with at school and ask them if they want to hang out sometime. Since my hospitalization, I've really tried to turn my life around--and succeeded, for the most part. But I'm still not happy--and as much as I call myself a misanthrope, I know that its mainly because I don't have enough social contact to really appreciate people.

Any ideas on how I should spend my weekend?

As one who doesn't tend to enjoy himself at parties, I'd like you to know that I know exactly what you mean. The best advice I can offer is for you to try and accomplish something. Spend a couple hours writing a story, or go on the internets and find something that will teach you to draw. And stick with it. One of the best feelings in the world is, "Hey, that looks/sounds awsome, and I did that!" You'd be suprised at what one can teach oneself.

Or, heck, doesn't need to be creative. Garden. Play a sport. Walk further than you've ever walked before. Dig a really deep hole. Doesn't matter so long as you have a moderately difficult goal for yourself. Many people think I'm crazy for saying so, but it's very easy to find happiness in work, if you allow yourself to, just so long as you accomplish something.

Look, you don't need to experience something new to have a good time; or, rather, you don't necessarily need to go anywhere to experience something new. Accomplish something. Just really and truly try it, and I'll all but garuntee that you'll have enjoyed it. It's worth a try, at least.

[DarkLightDragon]

END OF SCHOOL YEAR FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Anyway, I'm doing pretty good at the moment. I managed to get to my youth group tonight and talked to people. I even amazed myself and started a conversation.

Paraphrased part of a conversation I had with a guy:

Me: I'm crappy at realistic, but good at drawing cartoons.
Him: Cool. I'm good at realistic and crappy at cartoons. *points at himself* This is realistic. Oh, wait, that's my body. But that's realistic.
Me: :smallconfused:

Later he started posing when another guy came up and told him to stop being sexy...

Anyway, moving on. Anyone remember "B"? She's still here, which is good. Went into a coma on saturday apparently, but woke up on monday. She must have a really strong inner strength and optimism. It's inspiring when one thinks about it.

[TigerHunter]

As one who doesn't tend to enjoy himself at parties, I'd like you to know that I know exactly what you mean. The best advice I can offer is for you to try and accomplish something. Spend a couple hours writing a story, or go on the internets and find something that will teach you to draw. And stick with it. One of the best feelings in the world is, "Hey, that looks/sounds awesome, and I did that!" You'd be suprised at what one can teach oneself.

Or, heck, doesn't need to be creative. Garden. Play a sport. Walk further than you've ever walked before. Dig a really deep hole. Doesn't matter so long as you have a moderately difficult goal for yourself. Many people think I'm crazy for saying so, but it's very easy to find happiness in work, if you allow yourself to, just so long as you accomplish something.

Look, you don't need to experience something new to have a good time; or, rather, you don't necessarily need to go anywhere to experience something new. Accomplish something. Just really and truly try it, and I'll all but guarantee that you'll have enjoyed it. It's worth a try, at least.
Sound advice. Thanks.
I'll look into getting a hobby. I'm planning to go out to the bookstore later today, maybe I can grab a book on something that sounds interesting while I'm there.

[Ceska]

Anyway, I'm doing pretty good at the moment. I managed to get to my youth group tonight and talked to people. I even amazed myself and started a conversation.
That's great!


Me: I'm crappy at realistic, but good at drawing cartoons.
Him: Cool. I'm good at realistic and crappy at cartoons. *points at himself* This is realistic. Oh, wait, that's my body. But that's realistic.
Me: :smallconfused:
Let me guess, he was trying to hit on you and you simply didn't realise, right?

[Maryring]

Hm... I should study hypnosis, philosophy, Psychology, and Law, and become a Lobbyist.

No one will be able to win an argument against me.
And that's a good thing because? An argument doesn't become less valid because someone finds it difficult to formulate an argument against you.

Anyway, even a boarding school requires of you to actually move away from your computer. I've been living on a boarding school for almost half a year now, and sociability doesn't come automatically. You have to actively go out and search for it, even there. It is easier, but it still depends on your own actions. It isn't some shortcut to a social life, and depending on who you are, it can be very tough to live a life on a boarding school. (Dang it, and I promised myself to stop posting...)

[sktarq]

You have to actively go out and search for it, even there. It is easier, but it still depends on your own actions. It isn't some shortcut to a social life, and depending on who you are, it can be very tough to live a life on a boarding school.

Ha! She still does exist, I knew it.....Actually this is true no matter where you go. Tight conditions don't nessesarily make to easier for introverts who go into a "mental space" to avoid interaction the same way boarding school students would burrow into their rooms with loud music. Currently I live with 8 roomates-still don't say much to them, see them all that often, talk to them and that's pretty normal for the apt. It's a fact of life that meeting people takes effort-but gets easier w/ practice and when you have built up enough of a base of friends they start introducing you to other people and it becomes easier.

[Rex Idiotarum]

And that's a good thing because? An argument doesn't become less valid because someone finds it difficult to formulate an argument against you.

The argument is all about presenting it in a way where it's hard to counter. I stopped holding back on my argument powers and using it, stunned my mother into silence for a full ten minutes, knowing that what I had said, she had echoed in her counter argument.

It was then that I started respecting her, because she started listening to me.

[Maryring]

Chances are, she was always listening to what you said. Perhaps her head wasn't cool enough to comprehend what you said until you loopholed her arguments, or whatever it was you did, but she listened by virtue of who she is. An argument can only take you so far, but unless the one you argue with already respect you and has a willingness to listen to you, any argument will fall flat.

Such is the case with my mother, who has little to no respect for my abilities, mentally, emotionally or physically, and definately no respect in an argument. No matter the proof I have to back it up with, no matter how eloquently I put my argument, no matter who agree with me, she still dismisses is as untrue and unworthy of her attention, either by ignoring me completely, belittling me with personal attacks, or demanding that I bring forth state funded research approved by five famed scientists that back up my claim, and yes, sadly, it is that insane.

Nonetheless, it doesn't change my original statement, an argument does not change the facts of the case. You could argue your head blue that the moon is made of green cheese, but it would not change the fact that it is made out of substances other than green cheese. An argument isn't about winning, it is about both parties getting increased knowledge and insight from the others thoughts and emotions. It's as simple as that.

And I do still exist (assuming you were thinking about me, sktarq), at least I should certainly hope so. I haven't felt much alive lately, so I'm not too certain myself these days. :smalltongue:

[sktarq]

nd I do still exist (assuming you were thinking about me, sktarq), at least I should certainly hope so. I haven't felt much alive lately, so I'm not too certain myself these days. :smalltongue:

In which case I can only recomend trying to lighten up and be a little silly. Even if it is only with yourself. It took until I was 21 before I learned how to act silly and be okay with myself about it. If not that try finding something you find really beautiful and just let yourself feel that, whether it be a Monet, a Mountain, or a Motzart.

[Fax Celestis]

Whatever creams your Twinkie.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

[Maryring]

Really? I come of as unsilly...? How? I've always thought that I was way too silly.

[sktarq]

Really? I come of as unsilly...? How? I've always thought that I was way too silly.

Maybe it is just here in this thread,which is the main place I see you, that you seem serious/unsilly. You may be a warhummingbird of the Aztecs outside this forum for all I know but you have struck me here as rather unsilly, smart, introverted, erudite, and maybe trying to grow up a bit too fast-probably to get away from unpleasent teens around you. Lack of puns, refferences to other's jokes, or double meaning show up but that could be the languge issue through your english doesn't haave anything else not make me think of you as a native speaker thus I dismiss that as a probability-thus you come off as serious.

[DarkLightDragon]

Let me guess, he was trying to hit on you and you simply didn't realise, right? I wasn't sure if he was, but I knew it was a possibility. He seemed to be talking that way. I was thinking, "Is he flirting with me? Is this good or bad?"

But this doesn't really fit in the depression thread.

[Closet_Skeleton]

I've been upset recently because I screwed things up with a girl I liked.

The thing is, I'm not so upset about the girl, I'm upset that I failed due to intrinsic things about my personality and that every relationship I might want to have with someone is doomed from the start by things I can't change about myself.

I have some degree of paranoia. This isn't help by the fact that there are a bunch of kids who find it amusing to jeer at me when I walk past. I guess I do kind of stand out, but looking good in distinctive clothes is one of the few things I can be proud of at the moment so I don't want to change that. If I get into an arguement with more than one person I always feel like I'm being ganged up on and retreat. I then feel bad afterwards because I lost the arguement not because my beliefs where wrong but that I allowed myself to be defeated by unfair tactics. I tend to think about things more heavily than other people, which can make me take viewpoints other people don't often think of, which makes it hard for people to side with me in an arguement, leading to the previous problem again. I often take overly defensive positions, regardless of whether the person I'm talking to actually meant to start an arguement.

I often think of good justifications for my points of view after the arguement is over. Which makes me feel bad that I backed out of an arguement before I finished.

I'm quite childish. Since my elder brother was more sociable than me (not that he doesn't have his own problems), most of the people who came round my house were my brother's friends. These people rarely treated me with much respect, as I was always "the annoying younger brother" and probably acted as such. Also, whenever I was on holiday with my brother, he would always make friends with the people we met first, so I never got used to meeting strangers. I didn't really get the life experiances neccesary to grow up as a person. I'm not really that differant from what I was like 8 years ago,

I have several baseless prejudices that I can easily fall into. I have a dislike for men with greased hair. I get deeply disturbed by people with physical defects. I remember a few occaisons as a child when upon sighting some poor malformed person I panicked, thinking I was inside some kind of nightmare. I have an over-active imagination, sometimes when I close my eyes I just get flashes of disturbing images that can haunt me for days afterwards. Since I spend most of my time writing stories in my head, I panic when deformed people remind me of my images and throw off my perceptions of reality. I find it too easy to treat such people like monsters and I get upset about being mean to people in this way, even if it's just in my thoughts rather than me personally insulting them. I'm also sexist in that although I dislike most people regardless of gender, I having negative stereotypes about each gender that I associate with people. I don't hate women more than I hate men, but I hate them for womenly things that are differant for why I dislike men.

I also see a lot of my flaws in other people. On the positive side this makes me feel more normal. Unfortunately it also often leads to me thinking other people are more right than me, because I can shift their faults onto myself as well. When you feel pathetic and hate yourself it's hard to be friendly with people you recognise as being similar to you.

[Fax Celestis]

It sounds like your biggest problem is your self-esteem. What you need is something that you can be good at, something better than other people. From your description, it sounds like writing may be that case. Perhaps try the horror or mystery genres?

Alternatively--and I know this is dumb-sounding, but go with it--try DMing. Not only does it put you in a position of influence and power, it also teaches you how to handle arguments (since they always come up) and lets you exploit your creative talents.

Just a thought.

[Closet_Skeleton]

Alternatively--and I know this is dumb-sounding, but go with it--try DMing.

I'm posting on a gaming forum. I do play role playing games from time to time. Most of my group has moved on to college now though.

I even posted the odd piece of homebrew stuff on the forums.

[averagejoe]

The thing is, I'm not so upset about the girl, I'm upset that I failed due to intrinsic things about my personality and that every relationship I might want to have with someone is doomed from the start by things I can't change about myself.

Well, the thing I've found about intrinsic things about oneself that can't be changed is that they usually can be. Changed, that is. Take me. I used to be a fairly angry person, and I would lash out at anyone who would say any sort of a bad word, and sometimes attack them, depending. Then, one day, I decided, "You know what? F*** this. I don't like how I feel when I'm angry, and I don't like how I am when I'm angry. I'm going to stop getting angry at stuff." And I did, and it worked. I'm one of the least angry people I know. (I mean, I still get angry sometimes, but those bouts are very few and far between, and almost always managable.) Now, it wasn't as easy as all that; in fact it took a few years. However, it's something you can take into your own hands; it just takes practice and patience.

[The Extinguisher]

I've been feeling really crappily as of late. And I really don't know why. I mean, I really have nothing to be depressed about. My family is alltogether, I do good at school, I'm in a good relationship, and have a good number of friends, and I'm actually very happy. But at the same time, I'm really depressed.

Does anyone know about something like this? Because I can't think of anything I have to be depressed about. And yet, there it is.

[averagejoe]

I've been feeling really crappily as of late. And I really don't know why. I mean, I really have nothing to be depressed about. My family is alltogether, I do good at school, I'm in a good relationship, and have a good number of friends, and I'm actually very happy. But at the same time, I'm really depressed.

Does anyone know about something like this? Because I can't think of anything I have to be depressed about. And yet, there it is.

Sounds like me through a lot of high school. Maybe you just need a hug? I always had a feeling that would do the trick, though I never actually tried it out. I eventually ended up figuring out why I was depressed, and then removing that, but that took a good while. I'm afraid all the advice I can offer is for you to think long and hard about why you might be depressed. Otherwise I can only offer hopes that you'll get better. Good luck.

[Ceska]

I wasn't sure if he was, but I knew it was a possibility. He seemed to be talking that way. I was thinking, "Is he flirting with me? Is this good or bad?"

But this doesn't really fit in the depression thread.
He probably was. How was your reaction, other than confused? Did you say anything? Laugh? If so in what way?

You might as well have crushed his heart. :smallamused:

If you really think it doesn't fit the depression thread and you want somebody to talk to, either PM me or use a messenger system. I'd like to hear more of your stories.


I have several baseless prejudices that I can easily fall into. I have a dislike for men with greased hair. I get deeply disturbed by people with physical defects. I remember a few occaisons as a child when upon sighting some poor malformed person I panicked, thinking I was inside some kind of nightmare. I have an over-active imagination, sometimes when I close my eyes I just get flashes of disturbing images that can haunt me for days afterwards. Since I spend most of my time writing stories in my head, I panic when deformed people remind me of my images and throw off my perceptions of reality. I find it too easy to treat such people like monsters and I get upset about being mean to people in this way, even if it's just in my thoughts rather than me personally insulting them. I'm also sexist in that although I dislike most people regardless of gender, I having negative stereotypes about each gender that I associate with people. I don't hate women more than I hate men, but I hate them for womenly things that are differant for why I dislike men.
From what I can see what you need to do is built up some self-esteem, go out and socialise with exactly those people. Talk to people with various physical defects and with women. Try to take them as what they are, as humans, and not as what their exterior looks like. You might like their personalities, as I see it many of them are great persons.

I know this from experience. One of my uncles is growth restricted by birth (I'm trying to find a word that has no negative connotations, but alas, I am no native English speaker, forgive me if it has those) and he is one of the most social persons I ever met. I think everyone feels at ease with him once they know him and treat him not any different from others. I still know how proud I was the first time I was taller than him. A great feeling. He was always supporting and others towards him.

You might have to grow up with such people to treat them with the respect they deserve, but the best way to do this is simply trying to talk to them and socialise. I've found that the better you know a person, the less you treat him or her with prejudice.

This is all advice I can give.

[Fax Celestis]

I'm posting on a gaming forum. I do play role playing games from time to time. Most of my group has moved on to college now though.

I even posted the odd piece of homebrew stuff on the forums.

Oh, I know. I recognize you. I was merely suggesting that because there are quite a few people--my wife among them--who play but do not DM.

[Closet_Skeleton]

Oh, I know. I recognize you. I was merely suggesting that because there are quite a few people--my wife among them--who play but do not DM.

I rarely ever play. Most of the times I play when someone else DMs, I get bored too easily and deliberately get my character killed.

[Inhuman Bot]

I'am back from my Hiatus. not that you probly care, but good news: I made 3 friends. that's about all though.

[The Pink Wonder]

I have a couple of problems I'd like to vent:

Firstly, my personality. I'm incredibly self-critical, sometimes to the point of depression, and I have real problems trusting people. Even if I've known people for 7 years, I still worry that they'll betray me, and suddenly hate me for no reason. I have really high expectations of myself, but I don't have the self confidence to believe that I'll succeed at anything that I'll do.

Secondly, I have great worries about the future- every time I think about it I feel really sick and terrified. I'm thinking about studying Japanese in University in a couple of years, but, again, I don't have the confidence to believe that I'll be able to do it, even though I really want to.

Thanks for listening

[sktarq]

I have a couple of problems I'd like to vent: ... Thanks for listening

Now here is something that worked for a friend of mine with a similar problem to the second part in particular-it could have been out of her mouth 3 years ago it is so close. It basically involved taking a notecard and writing all the things they had done well at in the last couple of years. Strait A report card, keeping fish alive, making a varsity team (intermural Ultimate frisbee but still) and keeping said note card in her clutch (if you write small perhaps a business card and keep it in your wallet). She then looked at it whenever she had that semi-sick "I Can't" feeling. on the Other side was writen "I want it" but she didn't use that as often. Hope this helps a bit.:smallredface:

[Serpentine]

I can't say I'm particularly depressed right now - in fact, considering that I have an overdue assignment for a class I've already had the exam for, another exam in a couple of days, I rarely see any of my friends, my high school friends are impossible to get a hold of, the house I'm renting is being put on auction and I doubt I'll be able to rerent it next year so I don't know where I'll be living, my D&D game hasn't been moving at all for the last few weeks and it's all my fault and various other niggles, I'm feeling pretty chipper. However, for some reason that quite escapes me, people who are depressed - internet friends and aquaintances, mostly - regularly... not quite confide in me or seek my help... more vent and rant at me. I try to help, but I always feel so useless. I've never had any serious depression of any kind - nothing long-lasting or (probably) medical, anyway - I've never considered suicide except in a hypothetical abstract way, I've never had great hardship or tragedy in my life, so I can't even drawn on my own experiences. I don't mind being asked for help, in fact in someways it's quite a positive thing for me - it's a bit of a boost if I do seem to do something right, and though it sounds a bit mercenary I think it's good experience for me. However, as I said, I feel really useless. I want to know what exactly I should say, how best I can help. If people come to me, for whatever reason, I may as well be useful.
BASICALLY
Does anyone know where I should look for some sort of counselling course or something like that?

[The Pink Wonder]

Now here is something that worked for a friend of mine with a similar problem to the second part in particular-it could have been out of her mouth 3 years ago it is so close. It basically involved taking a notecard and writing all the things they had done well at in the last couple of years. Strait A report card, keeping fish alive, making a varsity team (intermural Ultimate frisbee but still) and keeping said note card in her clutch (if you write small perhaps a business card and keep it in your wallet). She then looked at it whenever she had that semi-sick "I Can't" feeling. on the Other side was writen "I want it" but she didn't use that as often. Hope this helps a bit.:smallredface:

Thanks a lot- I think I'll try doing that.

:smallsmile:

[Maryring]

Maybe it is just here in this thread,which is the main place I see you, that you seem serious/unsilly. You may be a warhummingbird of the Aztecs outside this forum for all I know but you have struck me here as rather unsilly, smart, introverted, erudite, and maybe trying to grow up a bit too fast-probably to get away from unpleasent teens around you. Lack of puns, refferences to other's jokes, or double meaning show up but that could be the languge issue through your english doesn't haave anything else not make me think of you as a native speaker thus I dismiss that as a probability-thus you come off as serious.
Well, I am not a native speaker, though I do consider myself proficient in the english language, though I still shake on some words, such as buzy or busy. Anyway, yes, here I am as serious as I can be. So often when I have asked for help, I am left with the feeling that those I ask for help don't take me seriously, and dismiss my cries for help as nothing. Thus I try to be serious to those who ask for help here, because I am too familiar with the feeling of not being taken seriously.


I can't say I'm particularly depressed right now - in fact, considering that I have an overdue assignment for a class I've already had the exam for, another exam in a couple of days, I rarely see any of my friends, my high school friends are impossible to get a hold of, the house I'm renting is being put on auction and I doubt I'll be able to rerent it next year so I don't know where I'll be living, my D&D game hasn't been moving at all for the last few weeks and it's all my fault and various other niggles, I'm feeling pretty chipper. However, for some reason that quite escapes me, people who are depressed - internet friends and aquaintances, mostly - regularly... not quite confide in me or seek my help... more vent and rant at me. I try to help, but I always feel so useless. I've never had any serious depression of any kind - nothing long-lasting or (probably) medical, anyway - I've never considered suicide except in a hypothetical abstract way, I've never had great hardship or tragedy in my life, so I can't even drawn on my own experiences. I don't mind being asked for help, in fact in someways it's quite a positive thing for me - it's a bit of a boost if I do seem to do something right, and though it sounds a bit mercenary I think it's good experience for me. However, as I said, I feel really useless. I want to know what exactly I should say, how best I can help. If people come to me, for whatever reason, I may as well be useful.
BASICALLY
Does anyone know where I should look for some sort of counselling course or something like that?
You have to remember, listening to those that come to you may be all they wish for. Just having someone to come to and complain, rant, and just let out steam, without being jugded, reprimanded or chastised, that is a wonderful thing to have. You don't have to say a lot to be of use. Just listening, that is the most important part. Once you have listened, you can come with your own input, and offer them your thoughts. Advice doesn't have to be wise, or smart, or well thought out. The important thing is that it shows that you listenend, and gives them an opportunity to look at things differently.

I suppose that what I'm trying to say is that you are useful, even if you don't have any advice to give.

[phoenixineohp]

I am actively working on dissociating right now. I mark tonight, at quarter after 5, as the point when I broke. I expect to be out of my mind for approximately 10 days. It's a necessary vacation.

It's time for auto pilot as I go into the recesses of my mind to gently tickle geckos. They won't bite. They'll be nice geckos. Maybe I'll have a ball python necklace too. And a pet echidna that shuffles around. I feel happier already.

---

Thank you for contacting me, but I'm not in right now. Please leave you name, contact and message after the beep and I'll try to get back to you when I return. Have a good day.... *Beep*

[Rex Idiotarum]

I'm an idiot.

I need to get out of here, to get on with my life. I don't care anymore. I would never kill myself and deny the world the glory that is Rex, but I don't know how much more I can take before I just say screw it, and leave. I've been talking about it too long. The leaves are falling all around, it's time I was on my way. Thanks to you, I'm much obliged for such a pleasant stay. But now its time for me to go, the autumn moon lights my way. For now I smell the rain, and with it pain, and its headed my way. Ah, sometimes I grow so tired, but I know Ive got one thing I got to do. Ramble on, and nows the time, the time is now, to sing my song. I'm goin' round the world, I got to find my girl, on my way. I've been this way ten years to the day, ramble on, gotta find the queen of all my dreams.

Can I be defeated, maybe, can I be broken? I thought I had been. Turned out to be rusty. I'm bored, I'm uncomfortable, I find hatred and can only see happiness for a short time. The stress of everything is going to have me ripping out all my hair...

... I am harmoniously fearless. All the mental, physical and social blocks are draining away out of my being and leaving me completely natural, vital and energetic...

[Moechi_Vill]

I am actively working on dissociating right now. I mark tonight, at quarter after 5, as the point when I broke. I expect to be out of my mind for approximately 10 days. It's a necessary vacation.

It's time for auto pilot as I go into the recesses of my mind to gently tickle geckos. They won't bite. They'll be nice geckos. Maybe I'll have a ball python necklace too. And a pet echidna that shuffles around. I feel happier already.

---

Thank you for contacting me, but I'm not in right now. Please leave you name, contact and message after the beep and I'll try to get back to you when I return. Have a good day.... *Beep*

*nod nod

I wish I could do that when my slider techniques and anti-depressants don't shift away my negative thoughts (Aspies).

This thread is a bit hard to understand but it makes me want to hug most of the post writers.

[Serpentine]

Rex... your posts are lovely and poetic, but that style makes it rather difficult to offer any advice.

[smellie_hippie]

Rex... your posts are lovely and poetic, but that style makes it rather difficult to offer any advice.

It's actually a fantastic Zeppellin song, but you probably knew that. (one of my favorites Rex!)

Oh, and Serp, I wanted to comment on what you had posted earlier, but Maryring handled it beautifully. You don't have to have the answers or advice... just being a person that listens is sometimes all another person needs.

Professionally, I have at least 7 clients that I do exactly that. I'm not doling out advice or anything... they just need half an hour with someone who is vested in listening to their story with an open mind. That's it.

It's healing, just because you care. Keep it up!

[Rex Idiotarum]

My latest hypnosis induction, that last paragraph, doesn't seem to be working. Is it because I want to be a nervous wreck? Cause for the first time in a long time, the cloud is lifted, cause for the first time in a long time, I actually seem to care what happens to me, and now that at least makes someone? I am smart and good, and cute, and I know it. I'd rather be courageous than fearless... I'd rather be fighting myself from curling up into a ball and going on with my life...

[Jimp]

I wanted to post here but comparing my problems to those of some others in the thread really makes it seem pretty pointless.
I know I know can't quantise emotions blah blah blah, but my problems are stupid in face of the others on this thread.

[Hoggy]

A big problem and a small problem are both problems.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I wanted to post here but comparing my problems to those of some others in the thread really makes it seem pretty pointless.
I know I know can't quantise emotions blah blah blah, but my problems are stupid in face of the others on this thread.
How many times must I say the same thing? :smallconfused:

Problems, large or small, remain problems. If venting them will help you, then feel free. Perhaps some of the subsequent advice will help you deal with whatever is plaguing you. We're not here to judge the validity of your problems; we're here to help you get past them. So speak up, and we'll see what we can do. :smallsmile:

As for me, some may have noticed my silence recently. That's because I feel like a sinking ship, physically and emotionally.

As my medical history has shown, I'm a terrible healer. This broken toe still feels thoroughly broken, even almost six weeks after the event. It would also seem that the second toe is lifting away from where it should be due to some surgery I had almost two years ago. It all hurts, frequently and rather badly. The CAM walker, which protects my foot when I need to get around, is all well and good, but does little as I sit wearing it and the inhuries still make me want to cry.

My foot doctor refuses to give me pain meds. "If it hurts that bad, go to the ER." Such a statement makes me paranoid on two fronts. The first is that I always fear osteomyelitis - an infection in the bone. I had it once, and that was enough for me, thanks. Now I have a traumatized bone, right beneath where swelling caused the skin to split. Did bacteria get inside? Is the bone infected? I have no idea. Now the doc has me thinking I'm imagining the pain, and that a run to the ER will only make me look like an addict looking for an opiate fix.

Fine. I don't go to the ER. I go to my PCP. (That's Primary Care Physician, not my dealer selling PCP.) He prescribes Vicodin for the pain, with orders to take one or one half tablet every 8 to 12 hours as needed for severe pain. That would be great, except that I seem to need these damned pills more often than that. The pain is bad enough that I've considered tearing my big toe off.

"Golly, Bor. If it hurts that bad, maybe you really should go to the ER." You're right. But on the chance that I go and they end up keeping me, I have several problems. Especially if it turns out I do[I] have osteomyelitis.

First, I plan on going with a packed bag. I could be in the hospital for a week or two until they get a chest catheter in me. The thing is, I have almost nothing to pack. Laundry needs doing. Need money to do laundry. I have $0.51 in my checking account, and nothing in my wallet. :smallfrown:

Next is that Nike, my beloved cat, would need caring for. Not a major issue. I have someone willing to come in and feed her while I'm away. The problem is that I need to buy food and litter for the person who would watch her. Again, no money.

Finally, there's the fear that all my worries are for naught. I went to the ER after my fall, and their x-rays showed nothing. (My foot doc was able to compare old x-rays and see the break clearly.) So as I sat in the ER and received the news that there was nothing wrong, other than banging myself up rather badly, I started feeling extreme guilt. The stretcher I was occupying could've been taken up by someone that actually [I]needed it. Like a heart attack victim, or the like. I simply felt like a fool.

"Get over it, Bor. Better to be safer than sorrier." Easier said than done. I am perpetually sorry for many things in my life, and even a small addition of grief causes me to suffer emotionally. Heck, I've been beating myself up over breaking my big toe! I mean, can I please go one month without some issue or another plaguing me? I want a good month, where only my chronic issues bother me. (Yes, that would be a good week.) Am I honestly asking too much by requesting I just be as sick as usual?

*sigh* I must say, opiates are far from helpful for depression.

Anyway, that's why I've been wearing my +5 Cloak of Lurking and not said much of late. I've made pleas for financial help, but have yet to receive a reply. Here's hoping. :smalleek:

[potatocubed]

So as I sat in the ER and received the news that there was nothing wrong, other than banging myself up rather badly, I started feeling extreme guilt. The stretcher I was occupying could've been taken up by someone that actually needed it. Like a heart attack victim, or the like. I simply felt like a fool.

I dunno how much this little story will help, but here it is anyway:

I'm a hypochondriac. I try very hard not to waste doctors' time with my fictional complaints, and by and large I do fine. Still, I have fallen down a few times and scooted off to hospital in the complete and certain (and totally false) knowledge that I'm about to drop dead from 'teh sickness' or something. Each time, I make a point of apologising to the doctor who sees me for wasting their time, and one time the doctor said this to me:

"Our job is to make you feel better. If all I have to do to do that is spend five minutes explaining why you can't possibly have a brain tumour, that makes you the easiest patient I'm going to see today."

The point being, I think, that 'problems that aren't' still need treating. Treating an attack of hypochondria or investigating a damaged foot are just as much doctoring as treating an outbreak of ebola or something, and tend to be less messy.

If it makes you feel any better, think of it as an easy tick on someone's 'to do' list.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I dunno how much this little story will help, but here it is anyway:

I'm a hypochondriac. I try very hard not to waste doctors' time with my fictional complaints, and by and large I do fine. Still, I have fallen down a few times and scooted off to hospital in the complete and certain (and totally false) knowledge that I'm about to drop dead from 'teh sickness' or something. Each time, I make a point of apologising to the doctor who sees me for wasting their time, and one time the doctor said this to me:

"Our job is to make you feel better. If all I have to do to do that is spend five minutes explaining why you can't possibly have a brain tumour, that makes you the easiest patient I'm going to see today."

The point being, I think, that 'problems that aren't' still need treating. Treating an attack of hypochondria or investigating a damaged foot are just as much doctoring as treating an outbreak of ebola or something, and tend to be less messy.

If it makes you feel any better, think of it as an easy tick on someone's 'to do' list.
That...that was a Bor story! :smallwink:

I never considered that. But then, I've never met a doctor in an ER that was that kind. You've all but convinced me that I should get my butt to the ER. Now I just have to address the money issues, to which I still have no reply to my request for aid. :smallfrown:

[Serpentine]

I never considered that. But then, I've never met a doctor in an ER that was that kind. You've all but convinced me that I should get my butt to the ER. Now I just have to address the money issues, to which I still have no reply to my request for aid. :smallfrown:If you're talking about ER doctors, I'd imagine that they're always too run off their feet to see the humour in anything. Still, make it ridiculous enough and at least they'll have something to laugh about later :smallwink:
potato's right, though. It's their job. If someone has a heart attack, they'll run off to help them if you're not in imminent risk of a severe case of death. They'll get a bit of a rest, really, and wasting time to find nothing wrong with you will be far less stressful for them than having to deal with you flat on your back convulsing from blood poisoning or whatever.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

If you're talking about ER doctors, I'd imagine that they're always too run off their feet to see the humour in anything. Still, make it ridiculous enough and at least they'll have something to laugh about later :smallwink:

You're right, Serpie. I'll show up at the ER wearing nothing but a loincloth and carrying a potted daisy. I will then proclaim in a loud, silly voice, "My flower said to come see you about my foot!" Then, for the remainder of my visit, I will insist that anything they do for me, they must also do for the flower. I get an x-ray; the flower gets and x-ray. I get a painkiller; the flower gets a painkiller.

Of course, this may well result in a definite diagnosis...that has nothing to do with any of my pain issues. Just some quite time in a room with mattress wallpapering. :smalltongue:

[Inhuman Bot]

You're right, Serpie. I'll show up at the ER wearing nothing but a loincloth and carrying a potted daisy. I will then proclaim in a loud, silly voice, "My flower said to come see you about my foot!" Then, for the remainder of my visit, I will insist that anything they do for me, they must also do for the flower. I get an x-ray; the flower gets and x-ray. I get a painkiller; the flower gets a painkiller.

Of course, this may well result in a definite diagnosis...that has nothing to do with any of my pain issues. Just some quite time in a room with mattress wallpapering. :smalltongue:

that just made me smile, a rare event on my birthday (not cause iam getting old, or anything) I wish I could do more, but I hope you can get better.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

that just made me smile, a rare event on my birthday (not cause iam getting old, or anything) I wish I could do more, but I hope you can get better.

Sometimes, that's what we try to do here: make someone smile. :smallwink:

The loin cloth/potted daisy actually comes from my fight for Social Security Disability. I had a case worker helping me with my claim, and he would make sure that I met with the SSD doctors whenever they wanted to see me. And every time they saw me, the doctors would say, "You're disabled. I don't understand why the board is denying your claim." It reached a point where I would have to stand before a judge and explain why I believe I'm disabled. So I called my case manager and said, "I know exactly how to win this case. I'm gonna show up to court wearing nothing but a loin cloth, carrying a potted daisy in one hand and a rubber spear in the other, and declare, 'My flower says I have problems!'" He laughed and said I'd probably win my case instantly, as well as be placed in protective custody for a long, long time.

It turns out that the reason my case was being denied, despite their own doctors claim that I was disabled, was due to certain guidelines. Diabetes doesn't appear within them. Nor does Depression or PTSD. I had to stand before the judge and explain that all three, however, created some major problems for me.

What drives me insane on some days is that I know I can get a job. Heck, I spoke with a manager at the local market recently, and he said he'd hire me without a problem. Then I pointed out that my ability to function is a day to day event, and that I can't make that promise to make every shift I'm scheduled for. "Silly managers like you," I said, "you all seem to want me to show up for work." Then I showed him my hands, pointing out where muscles should be, but are now dead. "Even if I made it to work, a job like this would require me to use my hands at a register or stock shelves, and my hands usually stop functioning properly after five to ten minutes of labor."

It's one of the contributing factors to my depression. I have a mind that wants to work, and a body that's not up to it. :smallfrown:

On the up side, my pleas for aid has been answered, and I can start eating something other than peanut butter sandwiches come Monday! For those who added me to their prayers, I thank you. :smallsmile:

Oh...and my pains? If they persist until Monday, I will get my disabled tuchas to an ER.

[SurlySeraph]

@ Bor: Er... get thee to an ER! I didn't realize you had cashflow problems on that level. I think I know why you're not healing well - if you don't get a lot of good food regularly, your body doesn't have the energy or the raw materials to heal up. I recommend drinking a lot of milk - you need calcium to rebuild the bones in your toe. I wish I could do something more to help. :smallfrown:

Also, don't worry about taking up space that someone else could better use. Generally, if you've considered cutting off your toe to get rid of the problem, you need help with it. Like, immediate help. Again, just because you might not be as sick as someone else doesn't mean you aren't sick. And, reality check, you ARE sick. Please, go to the ER as soon as you get a chance, and apply for welfare and Medicare if you have even the slightest reason to guess that you might theoretically be eligible.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

@ Bor: Er... get thee to an ER! I didn't realize you had cashflow problems on that level. I think I know why you're not healing well - if you don't get a lot of good food regularly, your body doesn't have the energy or the raw materials to heal up. I recommend drinking a lot of milk - you need calcium to rebuild the bones in your toe. I wish I could do something more to help. :smallfrown:

Also, don't worry about taking up space that someone else could better use. Generally, if you've considered cutting off your toe to get rid of the problem, you need help with it. Like, immediate help. Again, just because you might not be as sick as someone else doesn't mean you aren't sick. And, reality check, you ARE sick. Please, go to the ER as soon as you get a chance, and apply for welfare and Medicare if you have even the slightest reason to guess that you might theoretically be eligible.
Well, SS...I have MediCare and the AZ equivelent of MedicAid. I am covered, twice. Alas, they don't cover over-the-counter meds, and sometimes meds overlap. Like if I use more insulin in one month for some rising diabetes issue; if I go too early for the meds, they won;t be covered. Luckily, the pharmacy staff has been VERY helpful in that regard. If I'm too early or don't have the money for life-saving meds, they will front me the meds until I can pay.

The aid that was sent to me is coming electronically. One would think it would simply appear in my accound once I click "OK." For some goofy reason, it doesn't. Once it does, and I can ensure my cat's care, I will go...if my PCP advises me to do so. I plan on visiting him again come Monday to see what he says. I'd rather wait to see the foot doc again, see the x-rays, and then give him an earful when we see that the break is still there, so it MUST hurt.

One step at a time. Money -> cat care -> laundry -> pack a bag -> see the PCP -> go to the hospital if recommended. If he leaves it to me, I'll just go and let them run a battery of tests to be sure. You may be correct, though. Eating improperly may have slowed my healing. It also didn't help that I was prescribed the CAM walker over three weeks after the break occurred.

I burn each bridge when I get to it...then try to frantically cross it while it's immolated. :smalltongue:

[phoenixineohp]

*Frowns* You! Bor! We'll pool the train fare and I'll start on the papers to get the cat across the border, but you need to come to Canada. *nods*

There must be a job that is possible. Like being an at home call center rep or something. We need to get your brain going but your body resting. Hmmm...

[VeisuItaTyhjyys]

It was pretty depressing to read Bor's post and try and figure out what, exactly, PCP had to do with the situation until Primary Care Provider came into my head, full minutes later. Which of the two meanings came first, and the amount of time I spent to find the other, leads me to perhaps believe my youth was not spent in an ideal manner. Perhaps.

Bor: Depending on the severity of the condition, the ER has to take care of you regardless of your ability to pay, especially if you go to the county hospital. Or so the laws are in all the states I've been to. I believe it is federal.
EDIT: Check for free clinics in your area, too.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay....Lots to review, kids. Let's have at it, shall we?

First of all, money is an issue only in that I need to have supplies for Nike the Loopy Cat and the ability to do laundry. I should also grab a few toiletries, like razors and shaving cream, which most hospitals don't provide. The money has nothing to do with paying a medical bill. Those are covered by, not one, but TWO insurances.

The reasons I need to make such preparations is because if it turns out to be osteomyellitis, I will probably be in the hospital AT LEAST a week. (Last time I had this infection, I was in the hospital 26 days.) It'll start with an x-ray. If that shows signs of infection, they'll likely want to do an MRI, a bone scan, and dozens of blood tests. Then I'll need surgery to have a catheter put in my chest so I can continue doing my IV antibiotics at home. (*sigh* I'm gonna have to shave the right side of my chest again. That's gonna suck.)

PXP...I already FOUND a job to do at home. $9/hour taking in-bound sales calls. After taxes, I could have been earning an extra $400 to $500 a month working part-time. This sounded FANTASTIC to me, especially since my Social Security wouldn't be tounched until I started earning over $600 a month!

Then I found out that if I earn more than $120/month, I would lose my secondary insurance AND start having to pay for my primary insurance.

That desrves some explaining. I have MediCare because I'm on Social Security. The other insurance is called ACCHS (called "Access" here in AZ). Because of my current income, Arizona provides me with this extra insurance AND pays for my MediCare. MediCare only covers 80% of my medical bills, and ACCHS the other 20%. Here's a glimpse of my medical bills without ACCHS.

MediCare: $95
Humalog Insulin: $64
Lantus Insulin: $55
Ultram: $64
Zoloft: Honestly, no idea, but probably around the same price.
Xanax: Almost not worth mentioning. Probably around $5
Every doctor I require, including a PCP, neurologist, podiatrist, and endocronologist: Too much to to do the math. Probably several hundred dollars.
Infrequent Emergency Room Visit: $200 minimum.
G-d forbid I'm hospitalized: I don't even want to guess at the thousands of dollars.

Once you start doing the math, I would make less money per month if I would start working! How insane is that? I mean, I thought my mental illnesses qualified me as a bit crazy. Then I saw how the system was set up and I realized someone out there is infinitely crazier than I am, and working for the gonernment! :smalleek: It's as though, now that they have me living BENEATH poverty level, they want to KEEP me there. :smallfrown:

The truly depressing part is that I spent over a year trying to find legitimate work I could do from home...to become an upstanding citizen paying his taxes again, and all that. Most of the time, I found scams. "Pay us $35 and you can start earning money from home!" Uh huh. By telling other people to pay $35 so they could start working from home? No thanks.

As for relocating to Canada...It seems like a nice idea, as I've heard rumor that medical care is a lot easier there. But I moved from NY to AZ for a reason. You see, it still gets a bit chilly down here. We sometimes even see freezing temperatures at night (although rarely). That little chill has an affect on my diabetic neuropathy. It's the worst when I struggle to turn a key in a lock, struggling with both hands to get a door open. It becomes so frustrating that I sometimes cry while staring at the places in my hands where muscles should be, but aren't. My ankles also tend to give out easily in cold weather; also the product of neuropathy. No...I actually fear moving to a colder region. :smalleek:

And there we have it, kids. Yes, I'm a wee bit frustrated because of these circumstances, but this post was meant to be informative, not necessarily a rant.

Thanks for the thoughts, though. :smallsmile:

[Serpentine]

Bor, may I ask what's wrong with your hands? Could exercises help get their strength back?

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Bor, may I ask what's wrong with your hands? Could exercises help get their strength back?
Hmmm...Explaining neuropathy is somewhat difficult. Here's the current theory:

There's a sugar that gets into the nerve cells called sorbitol: sugar alcohol. It draws water into the cells, causing them to swell. Some of the areas where the cells travel are rather tight. These become choke areas. Neuro-transmitters can't get through, and so the nerves can't get their messages where they need to go. So when the brain tells muscles to work, and the muscles don't get the message, the muscles start to die; they atrophy.

Hold our your hand, palms fown, fingers together, thumb extended to form a L shape in comparison to your hand. See that stretch of skin between your thumb and forefinger? You should have a nice, relatively thick cluster of muscles in there.

Mine looks like it's merely webbing; no muscle in there to be seen. :smallfrown:

Now, I had surgery on my legs to fix similar problems. After a lot of pain and complications, we landed a 50/50 win. I have the return of some sensation, and a reduction of pain. But an important reflex we were hoping would return has not.

A similar surgery exists for the arms, but the closest doctor who can do it is in Tucson. I can't afford the trip there, and would have to stay a while. Nowhere I can do that. What's more, the surgery would involve the detaching of some muscles and then re-attaching them. With the way I heal, I fear more damage would be done than good. :smallfrown:

Fate...She dangles hope before me, and snatches it away and I reach for it. That wench!

[Serpentine]

Hmm. It sounds kinda sleazy, but... maybe you could try advertising for a companion or somesuch? A sort of personals ad, for someone in the area to keep you company, look after your cat, drive you places and the like. In return, you could also offer company, and all the other stuff I know you can offer but I don't know you well enough to know about. Basically, someone who could do odd-jobs for you and you things for them, even if that's just aleviating their loneliness. Sort of a mutual carer position, where you don't have to pay each other... I don't know how much luck you'd have, but it could be worth a try? Might be worth asking one of your apparently numerous doctors if they know someone else who could use a bit of support.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Hmm. It sounds kinda sleazy, but... maybe you could try advertising for a companion or somesuch? A sort of personals ad, for someone in the area to keep you company, look after your cat, drive you places and the like. In return, you could also offer company, and all the other stuff I know you can offer but I don't know you well enough to know about. Basically, someone who could do odd-jobs for you and you things for them, even if that's just aleviating their loneliness. Sort of a mutual carer position, where you don't have to pay each other... I don't know how much luck you'd have, but it could be worth a try? Might be worth asking one of your apparently numerous doctors if they know someone else who could use a bit of support.
Bor and sleaziness. Now there's a combo unthought of.

Unlike many humans out there, I don't want to look for someone who'd be "of use" for me. Nor do I want to be "of use" to someone else. I want mutual caring and respect, be it a friend or lover. Difficult to find when I dislike walking out my door.

It's why I'm such a lonely barbarian monk. :smallfrown:

I have a neighbor whose background is a bit shady. He has such pain in his back that he takes morphine daily just to be able to move. We have a relationship somewhat similar to what you described, and I honestly don;t like it much. You see, I'm of use to him to make runs to the market when his back is keeping him down. I do it because I care about the guy, and want to see his needs met. In turn, he loans me a few bucks from time to time when the money gets a little too tight. Mind you, I pay him back every penny when I can. He actually earns less than I do, but always seems to have $100 in his pocket. Hence the "shady" part. I would rather he was as caring as I was. Instead, it's all business.

I will say this, though. When he starts talking about his past, I'm absolutely fascinated. Why? Well, let's just say I think he may be in the witness protection program. :smallwink:

[Lord Herman]

*hugs Bor*

I wish there was something I could do to help, Bor. You're a good person, and you don't deserve to be in this situation.

Moving to Canada does sound like a good idea, but even if you find some way to deal with the cold, you should try to find out if you'd actually get help there. Even in the Netherlands there are people in a situation similar to yours, and we're supposed to have one of the best public health systems in the world. Still, if the Canadian system is anything like ours, you should at least be able to go to the hospital for emergencies without being bankrupted.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

*hugs Bor*

I wish there was something I could do to help, Bor. You're a good person, and you don't deserve to be in this situation.

Moving to Canada does sound like a good idea, but even if you find some way to deal with the cold, you should try to find out if you'd actually get help there. Even in the Netherlands there are people in a situation similar to yours, and we're supposed to have one of the best public health systems in the world. Still, if the Canadian system is anything like ours, you should at least be able to go to the hospital for emergencies without being bankrupted.

Once again, I must remind you that I don't have to worry about medical bills for the moment. Perhaps you're thinking of a time when/if I could start working. Well, that presents an issue unto itself if I were to move out of the States, manily that they would likely cut my Social Security off completely.

And while you say I don't deserve to be in my situation, I often wonder what I'd be like if I wasn't where I am in life. Yes, I'm miserable a great deal of the time. But my misery also allows me to empathize with those who are hurting or are in need.

The person that has sent me aid? Well, this person said that if I need more, I should just ask. Pretty darned amazing, really. So I asked for more already. And what do I plan on doing with the extra money? Well, my friend Julie has been my rock and salvation throughout many of my trials, just as I've been for her. I plan on getting her and her soon-to-be four-year-old son holiday presents. Then I'll treat myself to silly things, like paying off that pesky phone bill that remains one month behind. (It was three months behind, and I've been chewing away at it piece by piece.)

And then I'm going to go to the mall. Every holiday season, they set up a Christmas tree. Hanging on that tree are hundreds of tags, and each tag is marked with the needs/wants of underprivileged children. Clothing, inexpensive toys, and the like. I've always wanted to do something with those tags, but never had the chance. So I've asked for enough money to fulfill some of those holiday wishes.

That quote in my sig holds truer than some would think. Here I am, living BENEATH poverty level, and my thoughts first go toward others in need. And a part of me believes that had I not suffered, and remain suffering, I might not be the man I am today. I'm not trying to be a martyr or saint. I just want to do the right thing. I want to do good in the world. And I want to do these things while I'm still here.

In a way, I placed myself in the situation I'm in. I was the one who screwed around with my diabetes, thereby all but inviting the complications to set in. These deeds that I do are fairly simple. Make a market run for my neighbor who can barely move on some days...run into a dollar store and buy some food for a homeless person, as well as pointing them toward the resources that could get them off the streets...redirecting a child back toward his/her parents before they get lost...

You really want to do something for me? Well, the season of giving is almost upon us. Go out there and give to a charity. Help someone in need. And then take that concept past the holiday season, doing it all year 'round. While my personal situation may not improve, the entire world might. Just a little at a time...but it might. :smallsmile:

[kemmotar]

hello there fellow depresees. What i love about the net is the fact that i can actually say this and actually remain somewhat anonymous...I've been thinking of going to a therapist-psychologist-shrink whatever you want to call them, but due to the fact that anonymity is kind of an issue and besides they would probably tear up their diplomas sort of speak...The last one i went to see(homiopathologist with a psychologist degree[is homiopathologist even right...anyway, the guy that gives you herbal medicine instead of normal one] to whom i went for completely other reasons decided i needed a psychological exam too) at the end of the "session" declared that i was either lying or the most complex person he had ever met and he didn't have an inkling about why i was how i was...

Anyway, on with the story. Its not exactly depression...not exactly...anyway. Mainly, my favourite hobby has become avoiding people, except for my girlfriend. My story has nothing to point to why the hell i turned out like this. My family is fairly well off...quite well off actually. I never missed anything i needed. My grandfather at the time he was alive was quite famous, my father has now taken over and is doing actually better. How i developed though is a completely different thing. My parents were never bad parents, never hit or abused me, they actually cared at some point...I developed pretty early, being described by the one person that truly knows me (english teacher and friend who i have known for 8 years, maybe more, note: i am now 19 yrs old) as too mature for my own age. A genius (i write some poetry, not sad or suicidal, just searching), a stoic and completely without any moral standards or conscience. Its not that i am amoral(ie that i don't know the difference between good and bad, i can distinguish between them even when most people can't) i just don't care to follow them. Surprisingly enough, i have developed only one rule for myself, which i have never broken: never cheat on your girlfriend. I hate betrayal though i have practiced it quite well...My first girlfriend (out of a total of 3) was one year older. I was in love with her because i wanted to be and dictated so to myself (in fact, i'm the perfect liar, my motto is in order to make a lie believable you must believe it yourself even when no one else will, eventually they will). I have mastered the art of dictating feelings to myself and actually living them, though i immediately discard them when they become useless. She was possibly the worst person i have ever met. She was egoistic, ditsy and never cared for me. She also couldn't come to an orgasm via penetration (i hope i made inoffensive enough so the mods won't "kill" the post:smalltongue: ) and so i gave up on that and she did create a kind of complex in me because she allowed me to enter her after she came through other means just before i came. Which she didn't enjoy at all and hastened me to get on with the business before she actually started to like it again...

She also constantly attacked all the weak points, which she knew would hurt me, even after i repeatedly asked her not to. I remained with her because i had dictated to myself i would be in love. She did indulge some of my wishes in bed though, which might have been the only good thing she ever did, however i actually never enjoyed bed with her...Anyway, one day i decided i would break up with her, discarded the feelings of love and told her i would break up with her. She asked me to come to her place so we could talk like adults. She locked the door, hid the key and sat on my lap crying. Her complaint was that she "couldn't imagine you with other women". Altough i had suspicions that she was seeing other men...no hard facts...anyway...The whole deal with her had lasted one and a half years at the time. So anyway, she cried and didn't let me leave. She even indirectly threatened me she would suicide...bull...anyway. I feigned regret, shed a tear or two kissed her and she then let me leave her. I then went over to a friend's house, laughed at her and was about to send her a really cruel message. My friend pleaded with me to mitigate it lest she actually does suicide...so anyway i broke up with her when everything seemed to be going fine, yeah it was completely out of the blue for her.

After exams i went to a doctor cause i wanted to get a circumcision for trivial reasons...he examined before i said anything and then revealed to me i had an STD..sure i didn't use a condom with her from time to time, but she was supposedly a virgin and i hadn't been with another woman...conclusion: she had been with other men *insert hateful comment*.Ofc i didn't even call her, i went to an oil tanker for a month as an observer so i didn't have to see anyone...I also wasted all of my summer due to the necessary circumcision since i couldn't swim...Thankfully i'm in the clear now...In the meantime, in the last year of school(when i was with her i was sick for 8 months and then go an operation one month before exams...didn't go well that year...so i had to retake, next year i was tutored at home...so didn't see many people...By that time i had discarded most of my school friends, keeping one or two just so i wasn't completely alone.

Next year i went to university in london where i am now. I was feeling fairly alone and down so when the opportunity arose(i met a girl through a forum and started speaking to her on msn, she did ballet for years, seemed nice etc.) She came to london before christmas for an audition for a uni in london. We met up, went back to my place, talked for a while and then we started making out, that was the beggining of relationship number two. In that relationship all my friends (acquaintances more or less, i only have 2 actual friends) started calling me a sex monster. I could go on for about 7 hours, only stopping when the girl was actually spasming from fatigue...15-20 minutes later i resumed the activities...needless to say i never enjoyed bed with her either. At first i found interesting her submissiveness and took advantage of it in various ways and engaged several of my other tendencies. She did accommodate me and i did have fun in that respect, it was a kind of bondage thing but not without the needless and sometimes stupid violence. There was a bare minimum, such as slapping bottocks...quite hard actually but she liked it so...and then tying her up and doing interesting things...anyway...needless to say i did get bored of her always being submissive and i tried to give her more roles in bed, make her make decisions and things she liked...though i was always in control and she never did anything...I got bored of her, even though i passionately professed love, and one day broke up with her, out of the blue again...she cried for 3 days and couldn't move...she constantly pleaded with me to meet with her and talk, which i refused. In the end i did meet her. Anybody say awkward? Anyway, we did make out a few times then, i told her we could be friends with benefits, she declined and i promised we would always be friends. I never intended to do so and never did,sms, msn and phone calls went unanswered.

In the meantime, i had met, through her, a friend of hers who was having trouble with her boyfriend. We talked even after i broke up with her. In the next summer i actually tried to get my previous GF back...no reason at all...just hormones..professed love and regret. She actually believed it, but because she was with another guy, she even declined seeing me. She kind of admitted that she wouldn't be able to resist...anyway...i even enlisted her friend's help...we started going out with that friend of hers a lot and i gradually became attracted to her..at some point i told her but she said she only saw me as a friend, but i knew that was not the case. We had arranged to go on holiday to an island with her and a friend of mine. There were moments but my friend refused to leave us alone, even though he knew i liked her (anyway i will come to him later). We decided to stay a couple more days than originally, but my friend couldn't stay and left on the day we had originally contemplated. That night was the best of my life, i went out with her, laughed, drank had lots of fun...while we were sitting on a beach looking at the moon she kisses me and evrything went smoothly from there...until the next day when she told that we wouldn't be a couple and she didn't want this to happen again after we left...we did continue however for the days left on the island. We did arrange another 2 holidays between us and every time she said it wouldn't happen...and yet it did...and anyway she ended up my current girlfriend. I do think i'm in love with her though i'm not as sure. I could very well be imposing it on myself, nevertheless i am having fun..However, she makes me worry because she says, although she loves me, that she doesn't want to promise me she wouldn't do anything while i was away (she lives in my home country). This obviously agitated me since i do have a substantial wound from a previous, not so far away, relationship.

In the meantime, before going to London and metting any of the 2 that became my future GFs i decided before leaving i would play a bit with my first GF..i professed love and regret, she told me she was in a relationship for the past 8 months, and yet ended up making out with me and then back to my place. She left in the evening because she had arranged to meet with some friends. The next morning i broke it up with her. Revenge completed...:smallbiggrin:

So my friends, never had a friend i didn't betray or hate(for the total of 3 in 15 years...anyway) until these two current ones. The one is really good and compassionate, however the other is hell although he is a good guy at heart. He is very proud and egoistical, stubborn all the way to hell and back (when i told him i had a viral STD and therefore my first GF had given it to me, and the doctor explicitly said that it was passed to me, he told me the doctor was wrong...and he's in computer science...so you understand the kind). He constantly attacks my weak points and makes me feel bad ( i think in order to make himself feel superior), he criticizes my way of doing things with girls, tries to make me use his own barbaric ways(which i do not like and calls me foolish when i say that his way is not better), he criticizes my current GF(i suspect because he made a pass at her and got rejected (whereas i wasn't and he thinks himself superior to me in all ways, even the subject i am studying..). While we were together, me him and my current GF(though not yet) on the island i previously mentioned, he wouldn't leave us alone, even when i asked him to, even though he had other friends on the island that had invited him (and whom i did not like)...he just sat there saying nothing and doing nothing, pouting just to ruin the mood. He presented her to me in the worst possible colours and told that if she didn't go for it the first time she never will and mocked me...obviously he was mistaken.

Anyway...how did i turn out? I can trust no one, i have no moral qualms lying about anything to anyone, i practivally hate my parents (father is obsessed with academics and doesn't show me around because he fears being ashamed of me and my grades, and my mother is obsesses with cleanliness and my being slightly over weight, about 20 killos which i am in the process of losing) because the only cared for what they though was appropriate and i never ever talked to them about anything). I have no moral values, am bored with the world since it offers me nothing new. Thankfully i find no good side in drugs since i hate to see the world different than it is because i am searching for truth in it. I stopped believing in god when i was about 11 and in people's kindness some time after that. I see religion as humanity's crutch for the weak and idealism as nothing but dreams. Equality actually would do more damage than benefit. I regard human life as something to be discarded at need and never even felt slightly sad when my grand father died. I feel mostly devoid of feeling. The only comforting times are when i am with my GF now...though i am completely alone inside. In uni you might mistake me, i am cheerful and talkative, i talk with many people, laugh and help them out...Though in fact that's only at uni, i never go out, i hate clubs and most other places here. I just sit here and try to study, though because i am always doing that i can't get myself to do it. I rarely talk with anyone and phone calls from my parents are just to check to see how the house is doing and how my attendance is and my homework. I have a thousand faces for each appropriate occasion but no real ones...i cannot cry...notice the verb, its not that i don't want to...my subconscious immediately suppereses it, though i have pretended to cry a lot of times. I am almost an insomniac, whenever i go to sleep, or least try to, my mid floods with thoughts about anything and everything (that's what you get for trying to connect to you subconscious and actually succeeding) and my mind goes to overdrive. As a result i go back to the PC to watch some anime or listen to music. Currently i speak with 3 people at uni, have cut ties with one former acquintance because she got on my nerves. I feel like an unnatural existence, out of place with people with no common interests. I have two female friends, virgins at the age of 19 and 20...one muslim (though not the covered up kind) and one devout christian cypriot. They both profess sex after marriage and my only reason for talking to them is actually a hobby of mine...trying to corrupt them.

Also ever since i was young, i have always been watching people, trying to understand them and never interacted. I have completely accepted who i am but i feel as if i don't belong, not here, not in this country or these people. But in this world. I see infliction of self injury as a way of professing humanity (though i don't cut or hurt myself physically) but view suicide as weakness. I'm a devout hedonist, doing only what i like and have no moral qualms to stop me. I have an immense tendency to want to kill something which i have been suppressing for the longest of time along with every other emotion. There is absolutely no reason outside of me that i turned out like this, i just did. If i believed in fate i would definately think it's fate's fault, though i do not believe in any superhuman power that watches and dictates. For the longest time i've been wanting to actually say all this to more than one person, but i only allow small snippets to people i know to make them feel closer to me, though the whole picture is not revealed. Except to one person, the aforementioned english teacher.

Anyway, first an apology for the length of the post and secondly, comments?

EDIT: One thing i actually forgot to mention is that in fact i am quite compassionate and kind besides the things that i've done. I've always been there for anyone that wanted to talk to me and have given good advice. During my late school years, i was actually everyone's teddybear. Everyone came to me, even people i knew out of school, for advice and to share their problems. I have nevertheless fortified myself with masks and lies, built a wall around me and never ask for help. Maybe i am deceiving myself when i say i don't ask for help and just use people, but in fact i am just trying to help myself...Confusion maxed over here:smallsigh:

[smellie_hippie]

kemmotar: It sounds like you have surgically removed yourself from the world of experience. You deny a history of trauma and abuse, so there don't appear to be represed memories that you are protecting yourself from.... so I'm kinda at a loss.

It sounds like your post is asking for an answer to "why am I like this?"... but I don't think any of us will be able to answer that for you. You seem to have set yourself into a position to view life from an outsider's perspective. Is there some part of emotions and feelings that you are afraid of?

If I've misread your question, feel free to respond here or send me a private message...

[kemmotar]

All that you have said is true...it's more like a question of how did i end up like this...not why i am like this...i have completely accepted the way i am and that might actually be my mistake...

I don't think i'm afraid of feeling...i've just given up on it seeing how ti creates situation i'd prefer to be out of. Before i knew it i had become an observer and what feelings can be afforded to such? More or less i've accepted the way i am, not accepting who you have become is actually worse so that's why i've been marginally avoiding depression with only short bouts of unsociable behaviour...

Though what i say i can't reconcile with how i am with my GF...in our private moments i really do feel in love and i wonder whether feelings can just be created and lived, instead of actually being born. It's quite easy actually to make yourself feel one way or another once you've practiced it. Though even if it's created or born naturally, are not both genuine feelings? They don't feel different. I might put up a wall around my inner mind allowing nothing in or out, but once one is inside (like 2 people i have even allowed) i'm completely different. Deeply in love, passionate and caring. Though some times, i change completely again without realising and force them out(ofc they see no change) but i do lie a lot...it's a reflex by now, i don't even need to think more than i would to actually answer the question to make up a story to cover something that i wouldn't like anyone to hear.

It's not that i don't experience anything, i do...and yet there's something missing from my whole life that i just can't pinpoint. It's been so long since i've started to understand every facet of myself that it's frustrating not knowing where this feeling is coming from.

BTW call me alex:smallbiggrin:

[smellie_hippie]

BTW call me alex:smallbiggrin:

Ok Alex... welcome to the world of cliches.

You can't see the forest, because of all the trees.

Yup, that's my first impression. All the time in the world spent looking for the meaning behind relationships/purpose/existence/et-cetera prevents your from actually experiencing them. The best thing you can do is drop your guard.
Don't ask if you should let someone in or not... let them in.
Don't worry about whether or not they wil hurt you or disappoint you... they might.
Don't think about what you should be saying to them... just say it.

If you live in the now, let go of the past, and stop concerning yourself with what might happen (be it fear of rejection, best way into their pants, or whatever else you can think of). If you have found that you are happy with the two people whom you have let within your true self... let more in.

[Tomb_Raven]

Ah perfect,

needed a thread like this, im sure all my friends r sick to the teeth of me whineing to them :p not that its so often.

Been on an up and down roller coster for the last 3 months since i started uni, which is no surprise... change of surrounding 1000km between me and my family, most of my friends and of course my girlfriend. So only reasonable i should get the occasional down, its just a pity that most of the rest of the time is in a state of hmmm, how to put it, indifference.

Will be nice to get a chance to vent... had a realy horrible weekend, spent realy depressed and down but managed to dig my way out of that hole couple of hours ago, then i found this place. Hmmm

I just wanted to say, i respect all the people with the courage to post their problems up here... being in denial over your problems is probably the worst thing you can do, and speaking out to people can be very hard.

I hope to be able to help, as well as be comforted during my own downs...

Thanks for the support, just wish i'd seen this yesterday.

~TR~

[rubakhin]

Goddamn it. I shouldn't be this miserable; I haven't even had breakfast yet.

Really wish I could talk politics here, because I'm frantically going over the manuscript I want published, trying to figure out if, to put it delicately, my head is likely to be more than six feet away from my toes soon. Somebody is going to read into it politics that I did not intend ... I'm ideologically conflicted. Hell is everywhere. I just don't want to see more of what's been going on for more than a decade now. What side am I on? The side that kills the fewest children. How can I have an ideology when people are dying?

Moreover, I'm not anywhere near as educated as I think I am about all this, and I'm involved for all the wrong reasons - to the extent that love is ever the wrong reason to do anything. What do I want to do? Express joy. That's all. Peace and joy are everywhere. Love ... love! Why can't you love one another? It is as Tolstoy said - how can you kill?

Christ. The children are so old in Chechnya. I was watching a documentary the other day called Children of Beslan, about the hostage situation. Some of the kids are okay. There was this one bright-eyed kid, a gorgeous kid, one of those really beautiful children who are so angelically elevated above it all, talking about how he was hoping for Harry Potter or the Terminator to come and save them. And some of the kids are going to grow up to be serial killers. One boy was carrying around an assault rifle, talking about how whenever his family members went to market he'd panic and go through their bags, looking for a bomb. The film ended with a shot of one girl, kindergarten age, drawing a picture of a separatist with crayons, and then slowly, methodically, tearing it into pieces and setting them on fire. She told the cameramen about how she did this every day in order to express the anger and pain that could not be expressed. But it will never be enough, she said. She explained calmly that she was going to have to do this for the rest of her life.

You know, it's not the kids talking about how they had to drink piss or watch a woman mujahideen getting blown up, it's the five-year-old touching her forehead like an old widow and whispering, "God, all those days ... "

Why the hell do I take it so personally? It's not my war. I haven't got any right to be here - what is it, because of my Chechen friends, because I'm Russian, because of my Terek Cossack blood? Because of that boy soldier who nearly murdered me, whose face I can't forget? The pain I feel when I think of him is identical to the pain of love - how sick is that? That's the reason why I'm doing this. I still have the scars he left on my neck. Lyubov' eto serdtse vsego.

I haven't got a right to talk about this like I'm involved, when I could have easily stayed in America, married my lover like we were planning, gotten a job, gone to college, had a writing career ... Now I'm deliberately endangering not only myself but my future work, and for no real reason at all. Who am I going to save?

[averagejoe]

Your words move me, rubakhin. If you can do nothing I can do less, but for what it's worth my thoughts go out to you. Take care of yourself.

[Don Julio Anejo]

I'm sorry I can't read the whole thread, but here's my info on Canadian healthcare system (for Bor):

If you can't afford Medicare in the US, by all means, moving here is probably a good idea. While anything east of Kelowna/Penticton is probably too cold for you (snow and stuff), you will probably like Victoria (on the Vancouver Island). It's not very hot in the summer (mid 20's), but it gets below freezing at most once or twice a year. Welcome to the coast! I think it snowed ONCE in the last 20 years there (and that's considering how much rain we get). You may want to look into it.

As for Medicare: How it works is that you start by paying an insurance premium of $54 (for one person living alone) although you probably won't have to pay anything (or very much) unless you make something like $2,000/month. You get free hospital services (anything in the hospital, including hospitalization and surgeries), free visits to the physician, free X-rays, MRI's and the like. You still have to pay if you're seeing a physiotherapist or a private psychologist (as long as you're seeing one in the hospital it's fine), but again - chances are you won't have to pay for it unless you make decent money to make a living. You might qualify for Employment Assistance for Persons with Disabilities, which will make all of the above free.

The downside? The doctors are, unfortunately, incredibly busy. 3-4 hours wait in an emergency room with something that's non life-threatening is normal. A month or more for a surgery is normal. Several months for elective surgery is normal.

You should be able to qualify for Medicare as long as you're a permanent resident, you're here on a work visa (no idea how it works with American citizens). I think the rules are more lenient, although I personally have no idea what exactly they are, you'll have better luck emailing a lawyer or an immigration officer.

Medicare Protection Act (http://www.qp.gov.bc.ca/statreg/reg/M/MedicareProtection/426_97.htm) if you want to know more.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Thanks for the info, Don Julio. Don't know of how much use it'll be to me, but might be worth looking into.

@ Rubakhin: There is a phrase often tossed around that I dislike. "I know how you feel." I don't use it. Until I've lived your life, from the start to the present, there's no way on Earth I can KNOW how you feel. But I sense you have the kind of empathy that I have. You see something wrong, and you want to make it better. In yourself...in others...you want to fix it. And quite often, you don't know how.

I help on a very small scale. I aid individuals when I can. But what I really want to do is use the powers I get from Earth's yellow sun and rush around the world, saving entire nations from destruction. I want to feed all of the starving kids and make all of the sick people well. Who needs supervillains when there are more than enough regular villains to fight?

It sounds like you may have PTSD. Like many victims of this illness, you are trying to make sense of it. I tried. I gave up. Now I take a pill to handle the stress of every day. Does this make me a coward? Maybe. But I'd rather medicate myself than try to make sense of senselessness, which has thus far proven fruitless.

In turn, I am willing to take part of my fight against the things wrong with world to a global scale. I've decided to make my fight against diabetes education. I find it odd that they approach a diabetic with a sugary sweet tone and give only partial information about the complications of diabetes. My little book, The Suicide Note, is a proverbial smack in the head about what happens when a diabetic doesn't take care of the illness properly. And pouring my fears and frsutrations into a story like that was rather theraputic.

Is this what your writing is like? Are you trying to tackle something major all by your lonesome? I must remind you that if this is your task, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. While one man can make a difference, I have yet to see one man change the world.

I guess...what I'm trying to say...is that you're not alone. The fight doesn't have to be yours to make you want to see change. If you believe you can fix a part of it, then do so. If not...Well, don't see it as a failure. You only fail if you never even try.

[LCR]

You're right, Serpie. I'll show up at the ER wearing nothing but a loincloth and carrying a potted daisy. I will then proclaim in a loud, silly voice, "My flower said to come see you about my foot!" Then, for the remainder of my visit, I will insist that anything they do for me, they must also do for the flower. I get an x-ray; the flower gets and x-ray. I get a painkiller; the flower gets a painkiller.

Of course, this may well result in a definite diagnosis...that has nothing to do with any of my pain issues. Just some quite time in a room with mattress wallpapering. :smalltongue:

I'm not so sure, if I would be too pleased if I was your physician. While the mentioned ER doctor is right, when he said that it is his "job to make you feel better", it is by no means his job to play the audience to your silly ego show (sounds harsher than intended, sorry). Really, don't overdo the humour thing or it'll backfire.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I'm not so sure, if I would be too pleased if I was your physician. While the mentioned ER doctor is right, when he said that it is his "job to make you feel better", it is by no means his job to play the audience to your silly ego show (sounds harsher than intended, sorry). Really, don't overdo the humour thing or it'll backfire.

Like I would EVER do something that silly.

When I go to an ER, it's not to play games. Since I already suffer guilt when I find out later that nothing is seriously wrong, I certainly wouldn't waste their time with a practicle joke. Here's how I actually handle an ER visit:

I usually have my backpack with me. In the backpack are my current meds, a book to read while I'm waiting (provided my pain let's me concentrate enough to read), a couple of changes of clothing (in case they keep me), and a few toiletries (toothpaste, shaving gear, etc.).

I go through triage, making my complaint as clear as possible, listing any symptoms of what I've been experiencing.

The next step usually involves signing insurance forms. As I hand over four different cards, I sometimes comment, "I don't know which ones you want, so here's all of them." If the person at the counter is in a good mood, I usually get a smile for that.

Once I'm called to a back room, and a doctor comes to see me, I answer questions, submit to whatever painful exam they need to do, and I ask questions about treatment.

These doctors...Most of them are dedicated to their work, and they have other patients that are in far more serious condition than me. The only times I've demanded immediate attention, and none of it was in a joking manner, was when I would experience diabetic ketoacidosis and one time after I had a kidney stone surgically removed and thought something had gone monstrously wrong. After that, I know my place. The patient crying in pain supercedes me, who may only be groaing. Heart attacks, asthma attacks, and countless other patients...I'm usually in no rush to be seen over them. Do I want relief from my pains, whatever they may be? You bet! But it's extremely rare when my pains are life threatening; they're just causing some suffering.

As for my "silly ego show"...Ummm...Have you actually seen my ego? If you have, please mail it back to me. PM me for my address. :smallredface:

[LCR]

As for my "silly ego show"...Ummm...Have you actually seen my ego? If you have, please mail it back to me. PM me for my address. :smallredface:

Yeah, my tremendous ego found yours round the corner. Apparently it's been slain by some crazy chick :smallwink:

[Rex Idiotarum]

Some cut their wrists, just to watch the warm blood tremble from their veins.
Others find magnificent worlds in drugs, where nothing really matters.
There are some that continue to lie to themselves, to make them think that they are happy: They are not.

I'm an individualist trying to conform, I fail. I'm too far out to conform with normal society. It's like putting the Circle "O" into the Square "[]". Even a preschooler will tell you that doesn't work. O! How I long for a bright sky, rather than the indomitable greys that stem far, far past the horizon. O! Is it too much to ask to fight dragons and hang with elves? I guess it is...

Really, I'm looking for a way out, and when I ask people that, they get angry at me, is their home not good enough for me? Then what is it that I need to bring me through the day? I can think about future professions, and I know I can be a really strange chef, as well as an equally strange writer. I like writing as the better of the two above, but...

It's that form of Escapism again. Some do drugs, others cut themselves, I detach myself from reality, and dwell solely on the computer. People have noticed that I seem to be unable to put it down, and moreover, do anything while on it. I draw, talk, sleep, read, and learn from the computer. It's already been accepted that if there was a fire, I'd have to go back for the computer; if I were to leave tomorrow with a choice of a week's supply of provisions, or my computer, I would choose the latter without a second thought.

I just need that thing, that life altering moment, where are my zombies? My mutant space aliens? My everyday foes? They've all gone, leaving me in a world of grey skies, grey people, just plain grey. I knew I once could see color, long ago, as a child. Hell, I know I can see it occasionally nowadays, I must not be colorblind... or has the world gone colorblind?

There is nothing of the sort, a Romantic Hero stuck in a Realist's world. Suffering though a world of repetition and drab. How do I change that? How do I just grab a plan, make sure life is set, and get the hell out of here? Why can't I just leave when "here" is poison on my soul. Where even the kindest person is too cruel or stupid for me to bare myself to? I've been distancing myself from reality for years, I don't think I can just dive back in without a little help. Why is the world that I live in alien and distant to the world I want to escape, when it's the same world?

Some do drugs to escape reality.
Some cut themselves to escape reality.
I, I have my computer, and though I could claim it's as real as anything else in my surreal world, it is only to escape reality.

Still, it beats TV or Books.

[Taffimai]

Dear fellow depressees,

I would like to ask for advice on how to interact successfully with caregivers. I am relatively new in my current country, so the people I deal with don't know me or my medical history, which unfortunately is useful information to understand my situation. I think I have a post natal depression and would like to find a self help group, have someone come to my home to help out with the twins and get my blood analysed to make sure my hormones are behaving properly.

Last week I had an appointment with a public health nurse for a check-up for the children and I had gathered all my courage to broach the subject (I've only seen her once before), but it all went horribly wrong. Her attention went completely to the physically taxing time I have had the past year and a half and she started spouting 'helpful' advice, like 'you should take good care of yourself, make yourself a nice big breakfast, make sure to eat plenty of fruit and vegetables, get out of the house more' etc.

I know she meant well, but at that point, the conversation was basically over. It required all my willpower not to start yelling "No, you paternalistic cow, just because I'm foreign does not mean I'm retarded, of course I know all that and if I had the boundless energy required to do all those things there wouldn't be a problem, but I spend my days sitting around lethargically, watching the hours glide by until my husband gets home and freaking out about every little thing."

Tomorrow I'm seeing my GP and I really don't want a repeat of that. I'm nervous enough about having to talk about my mental health with a stranger, it should at the very least pay off. Now if it were anyone else, I'd talk about the mental aspects of it rather than the physical ones, but as he is supposed to tend to the latter, that doesn't seem like a viable option.

Any suggestions?

[smellie_hippie]

Taffimai: It sounds like you have more on your plate than you can handle. Take something off. If you try and solve the whole thing, you'll paralyze yourself with the enormity of the task before you. Just pick one, and work through to the logical conclusion so you can cathartically scratch it off your list. "Dishes are done. Check." etc...

As for how to handle addressing your needs and concerns with your GP or other health professionals... it's important for them to help with the entire system. If your GP thinks that you have symptoms of depression/anxiety, he could/should refer you to someone for those services. Now it's just a matter of working the time to take your brain to the therapist and your body to the doc.

I hope things go well for you tomorrow.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

@ Taffimai: My advice is to go through it again, making your symptoms as clear as possible. If you start sensing a repeat of your conversation of the nurse, take a deep, soothing breath, and try again with the GP. It is imperitive that the doctor understand that you are suffering and that you need help addressing the problems.

The one thing I've learned over the years, having to deal with so many doctors, is that a patient needs to be patient. As "punny" as that sounds, it's true. Doctors rely on what I call "the book," and the book says that someone with a certain illness needs to be treated a certain way. Sometimes they need a reminder that each patient is different.

Bor story time! :smallwink:

Several years ago, I lost control of my diabetes and landed in the hospital. The book says that I, as a diabetic, should have my blood sugar checked and receive some insulin before I eat.

As my sugar levels had come under control, they checked me one morning and found that my blood glucose level was too low for a dose of insulin. I told the nurse to tell the doctor to at least give me a small dose anyway. The doc refused, making vague references to the book. I tried to argue my case: "I understand that you're trying to treat my glucose level for what it is now, but I'm about to eat, and those carbs are going to turn to sugar. You need to give me some insulin for what it will be." The doc remained adamant, and I received no insulin for breakfast.

Come lunch, my blood sugar was over 400. (Normal is between 80 to 110.) The doctor showed up, and grinned at him, saying, "I told you so." :smalltongue: From then on, I received insulin for every meal, regardless if my sugar appeared too low for it.

It comes down to this: you know your body best. It may well take time to get others to understand your problems. You must demonstrate patience, even when you don't think you have it, and calmly explain repeatedly until they comprehend.

I hope that helps in some way, and I, too, wish you luck tomorrow. :smallsmile:

[zeratul]

Hi guys, I just need to vent. It's the same old problem again, and now that it comes and goes from day to day but it was particularly bad today. It's still about this girl, me desperately wanting to contact her, but not being able to AIM her, and being to afraid to use any other means, the whole thing with her having a boyfriend. I know this feeling will be gone when i wake up, then back the next day, but still. I was literally looking for something to cut with a few minutes ago. not to kill myself with of course, but to cut with. I think I might have done it too if I had not some to my senses. Sorry guys, I just needed to vent, and get some hugs, and sympathy. Thanks everyone.:smallfrown:

[Ego Slayer]

I was literally looking for something to cut with a few minutes ago. not to kill myself with of course, but to cut with. I think I might have done it too if I had not some to my senses.
No... nooo... bad... :smalleek:
I hope you haven't done this before, or that you have enough sense not to do it. Find something else to do; listen to music, get yer butt into the chat, computer game, anything... You do not want to fall into that pit. I know sometimes stuff really sucks, and it seems like an interesting idea, but... baaad. You has sense, use it! *hugs tightly*

[Raiser Blade]

Hi guys, I just need to vent. It's the same old problem again, and now that it comes and goes from day to day but it was particularly bad today. It's still about this girl, me desperately wanting to contact her, but not being able to AIM her, and being to afraid to use any other means, the whole thing with her having a boyfriend. I know this feeling will be gone when i wake up, then back the next day, but still. I was literally looking for something to cut with a few minutes ago. not to kill myself with of course, but to cut with. I think I might have done it too if I had not some to my senses. Sorry guys, I just needed to vent, and get some hugs, and sympathy. Thanks everyone.:smallfrown:

:smalleek: Wow... ummm I have friends who have gone down that road and believe me it has no (good) end. I hope you are strong enough to use your head and don't let your emotions rule your life.

I hope you feel better.

Oh and if you listen to music when your depressed try to listen to something upbeat. Sad and/or dark music will just make you feel worse.

[SDF]

Oh and if you listen to music when your depressed try to listen to something upbeat. Sad and/or dark music will just make you feel worse.

Not necessarily. I find sad music when I feel down very enjoyable.

[Raiser Blade]

Not necessarily. I find sad music when I feel down very enjoyable.

Do you ever consider cutting yourself?

[rubakhin]

Is this what your writing is like? Are you trying to tackle something major all by your lonesome? I must remind you that if this is your task, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. While one man can make a difference, I have yet to see one man change the world.


I don't know. It's ... almost a coincidence. I was looking over the first draft, and to me it was a totally innocent story - I just decided that I wanted to write something about Chechens. It was about two ex-mujahideens - teenagers - and a Russian heroin addict, traveling together in post-apocalyptic Chechnya. It was a very peaceful story - very bittersweet. Then it occurred to me that the whole thing was a long elegy, resonant with my misery over the tentative peace between Russia and Chechnya being violated, besmirched by Kadyrov's human rights abuses. I am grieving for Chechnya.

Now if my political opinions are too obvious the little jerk will literally have my head! I was under the impression that you could still get away with fiction in Russia - or maybe not. At least in Soviet times you knew what you could and could not do! In modern Russia ... You have no idea how bad things are. (http://medlarcomfits.blogspot.com/2006/11/books-in-russia-true-story-by-friend.html) I don't know whether or not the government was involved, but the firebombings did happen, I can vouch for that.

All I want to do is, as I said, express my sorrow, and express my joy, but I know I can't pretend that I live in a bubble in which dangerous people won't read politics into what I do. I have people interested in translating it, and ... I guess - you know, for art's sake alone, I shouldn't back down. If it were just me, that would be something, but I don't want to risk my translator, publisher, and friends. Also (and this is such a white suburban American thing to worry about!) I wonder if I have any legitimate right to do such a story. For most of my life I was safe in America and very ignorant not only of our politics but of our culture. But still, no matter how long I lived in America, I come from the Soviet Union and I am Russian ... we are the ones responsible for what our government does.

[ForzaFiori]

Hi guys, I just need to vent. It's the same old problem again, and now that it comes and goes from day to day but it was particularly bad today. It's still about this girl, me desperately wanting to contact her, but not being able to AIM her, and being to afraid to use any other means, the whole thing with her having a boyfriend. I know this feeling will be gone when i wake up, then back the next day, but still. I was literally looking for something to cut with a few minutes ago. not to kill myself with of course, but to cut with. I think I might have done it too if I had not some to my senses. Sorry guys, I just needed to vent, and get some hugs, and sympathy. Thanks everyone.:smallfrown:

i know its gonna sound like a broken record, but dont cut man. find anything that doesn't involve harm to someone to do instead. Listen to music, take a jog, hell, if you really want to, break something non-valuable. just dont hurt yourself or others. As someone who's been down that road, it is VERY hard to pull yourself out of it, and when you do manage, the next time something gets you down its the first thing you go for. Its something no one should have to go through, and that no one WILL have to go through, if they can just think of something else to do.

[smellie_hippie]

zeratul: one more voice for the "don't cut" galleries. I have an additional venting method you could try. Write. It's great to come here and vent and get the sympathy hugs, we all need those. But if you are having thoughts and feelings that you need a cathartic release for, grab a sheet of paper and write them down. The cool thing is, there's no censorship to what you put on paper. Vent your deep dark anger, thoughts of pain, whatever it is... then when you feel it's all down in ink, tear the paper to shreds and throw them away.

[banjo1985]

Agreed, not a good road to go down, and a hard road to find your way out of...I've had friends who did this and it's not something I want to see again.

I'd personally suggest a good computer game to play, a first person shooter where you can blow the hell out of anything and everything if you like that sort of thing. For me that was a great way to vent as a teenager, and blowing the crap out of faceless online gamers is much better than anyone coming to harm, especially yourself.

[CurlyKitGirl]

Hi guys, I just need to vent. It's the same old problem again, and now that it comes and goes from day to day but it was particularly bad today. It's still about this girl, me desperately wanting to contact her, but not being able to AIM her, and being to afraid to use any other means, the whole thing with her having a boyfriend. I know this feeling will be gone when i wake up, then back the next day, but still. I was literally looking for something to cut with a few minutes ago. not to kill myself with of course, but to cut with. I think I might have done it too if I had not some to my senses. Sorry guys, I just needed to vent, and get some hugs, and sympathy. Thanks everyone.:smallfrown:

One more voice Zer. Don't you dare start cutting! I've often said this and I'll say it again. I have an open PM box. PM me. Get everything off your chest.
Or you can go down Hippie's road; but I'd also suggest writing a very long letter to her. You needn't post ot it anything. Just write it all out.
Then you can bin it, send it or ignore it. It's your feelings and you can either act on the (but in a good way) or you can let them calm down.

[Zeevico]

Anyway, first an apology for the length of the post and secondly, comments?
What do you seek from these comments?
Would you like to achieve a particular goal?
We, as people, can only help you if you provide us with some sort of context.
Ask yourself what you plan to achieve in your life. Then come to the people you implicitly trust for their advice. Barring that, come to us, I suppose. Maybe thousands of internet geeks combined will, like the classical field of monkeys typing away to produce a Shakespeare, give you a masterpiece.

[Miraqariftsky]

Hi guys, I just need to vent. It's the same old problem again, and now that it comes and goes from day to day but it was particularly bad today. It's still about this girl, me desperately wanting to contact her, but not being able to AIM her, and being to afraid to use any other means, the whole thing with her having a boyfriend. I know this feeling will be gone when i wake up, then back the next day, but still. I was literally looking for something to cut with a few minutes ago. not to kill myself with of course, but to cut with. I think I might have done it too if I had not some to my senses. Sorry guys, I just needed to vent, and get some hugs, and sympathy. Thanks everyone.:smallfrown:


I feel your pain. I went through almost the same thing and I tell you, it's not worth it. It's not worth torturing yourself over, it's not worth throwing your career away for. It ain't worth your life. One thing can and will lead to another--- DON'T DO IT.

1. You want satisfaction? Challenge the boyfriend to a duel. She's yours if you win and if you don't, well, you get sent to a hospital and you flirt with the nurses. Nah, if you don't win, then at least you know you TRIED. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

2. Too chauvinist? Write the girl poetry--- offline, with true ink and paper, with your own handwriting. This SHOULD convince her to jump over the fence into your side but if she doesn't... well, I'd say she ai't worthy for you. Oh, and don't even try writing letters in blood--- trust me, it just ain't right and is downright wrong.

If you decide that you're not going for the girl but still can't get the stress out of your system, try these sure-fire tips:

3. Pray and meditatate. Scream your soul out to the highest heavens or seek to empty your heart in meditative oblivion.

4. Go to your family or closest friends. Tell 'em everything. Don't be shy to cry. The courage of a true man lies in accepting the fact that he is flawed and that he has much to fear in the world. By accepting fear and embracinng it, you are able to defeat fear.

5. Leave proximity of object of affection, that is to say, take a break/vacation. Heavy hiking out in nature's bosom is good.

6. Engage in super-reading--- make sure that what you rerad is something you absolutely enjoy. Tip: in your current emotional state, don't go for something Russian, too heavy.

7. Express your woes through art and literary pursuit. Paint or draw your lady, compose sonnets describing your unrequited love for her... or do graffiti defacing her consort and write about all the creative ways you could think of to rid yourself of him. Good or grim--- your choice, your poison.

8. Purge the stress from your system with pure, primeval brutality. To put it in less scary terms, exercise, bub, exercise! Running, calisthenics, soccer, football, whatever! But if you ask me, go for some martial art or other. Break as many boards and cinder blocks as you can. Imagine the image of the object of your frustration superimposed over whatever you're hitting--- be it punching bag or sparring partner. Oh, and make sure to scream, grunt and yell as much as you can. The "YAAAAAAAAH"s really do help, trust me.

Well, Zeratul, hope you find this not too off-putting and appreciate both its humour and its virtues. God bless ye, man.

[Trog]

Feeling worthless this morning. Nothing I need to get done is getting done. I am floundering on even my own hobby projects. I have been avoidant of work at work. I am spending too much money and not saving enough. I feel unattractive and like a failure. I should be making more money. I should have a better job. I should be a better person than I am.

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

Feeling worthless this morning. Nothing I need to get done is getting done. I am floundering on even my own hobby projects. I have been avoidant of work at work. I am spending too much money and not saving enough. I feel unattractive and like a failure. I should be making more money. I should have a better job. I should be a better person than I am.

Would a wooly llama hug from a Reaper posing as a llama help?

(Lest I could offer to a great friend, expecially after the Capitan Jack Chronicles)

I could also tell you a joke about fog, although that may be a bit mystifying when I first tell you.... *Shifty eyes*

[Reinboom]

Feeling worthless this morning. Nothing I need to get done is getting done. I am floundering on even my own hobby projects. I have been avoidant of work at work. I am spending too much money and not saving enough. I feel unattractive and like a failure. I should be making more money. I should have a better job. I should be a better person than I am.

How can you be a better person than the person you are as the person that people love so much?
You're a good person, at least, I think you are. That's at least one set of eyes that think of you as a good person, and I'm sure there's more.
Perhaps writing little sticky notes of reminders. Have another give friendly motivation, if it is troubling you.
Also, mama isn't unattractive! :O

^^

[Taffimai]

Feeling worthless this morning. Nothing I need to get done is getting done. I am floundering on even my own hobby projects. I have been avoidant of work at work. I am spending too much money and not saving enough. I feel unattractive and like a failure. I should be making more money. I should have a better job. I should be a better person than I am.

I have clicked the 'find more posts from this user' option and I would like to let you know that you seem like a pretty good person and totally not unattractive. You congratulate others. You make genuinely funny posts. You give helpful advice. And all of that only on the first page of posts. You are not worthless, in fact, many people lead happier lives thanks to you. Have a hug.

@Zeratul
You have been suffering for a very long time now (I've read the entire depression thread a few weeks ago). Please give the suggestions from the other posters a try. Another outlet for your pain and frustration might really help. I know it did for me back in secondary school. Also, every time you feel like doing something destructive and manage to curb that desire, give yourself a treat. Whatever you like, but at least the equivalent of a banana covered in creamy hot chocolate sauce with cinnamon and freshly whipped cream. And a hug.

@the very nice people who replied to me
Thanks. I'll let you know how it went. And Bor, please don't ever take the 'Be well' out of your sig. It is really heartwarming.

[SMEE]

Don't mind me, I'm just needing to vent a bit.

I feel I've been holding down my own potential for a long time (since I left College, to be precise).
After college, I failed my post-graduation in game development due to lazyness, at best.
I could have done it, delivered all the paper works in time, along with the needed coding and projects, but I simple didn't put myself to work.

After that, I've decided that I would try to get a mastership in physics or math, and even looked for colleges nearby.
I found a proper course in 2005, and, here I am, in november, 2007 and I'm not doing it for no good reason at all.

I can feel that I haven't been putting 100% of my potential at work as well.
And that puts me down, for the company needs me the most now in order to avoid bankruptcy (the company being me and my boss, right now...). My wages are behind three months, and if we can't get the company in shape again, it's unlikely I'll see that money. At least I'm able to afford my hormones and pay most of my bills in time.

And it seems I can't even help people properly... I tried to help Bor, but the solution I brought wouldn't help him at all. The intention was noble and all, but in the end it didn't help him.

Well, that's it. I was just needing to put it out.
Thanks for reading it.

Hugs.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Hmmm...Lots to reply to. Zeratul seems to be covered by a majority of the crowd. Just know that I care also, little buddy, and hope you escape your slump.

@ Trog: Well, I said it in a PM, but I guess there was nothing so personal it can't be said out here.

One bad day amongst many good is a pretty good, and rather loose, ratio. You're an amazing guy, beloved by many on these boards. Get into your "Trog suit" and use it to make yourself feel a bit better. Then, when your mood improves, tackle those things you're up to tackling. If you're not happy with things in your life, then start changing them...but when you're up to it. They need not be any radical changes. Start small, and work your way up.

We have faith in you, Trog, and you are loved for the person that you are...no matter what you think. So...Here's two *HUGS!* Use one now, and keep the other in your pocket for when you need it later. :smallsmile:

@ Rubakhin: We aren't permitted to discuss politics here, so we should avoid it as best as possible. That being said, it seems that in Soviet Russia, book reads you! :smallwink:

Joking aside, after reading that article you linked, it would be unwise to publish where you are. Too much at risk. Too many people at risk. I hate giving this advice, for someone with a poetic voice should be permitted to sing long and loud...but the reality is that your voice might well be silenced should you try. :smalleek:

I have two suggestions from there. Either you can wait and hope there comes a time when such a book would be permitted, or you can attempt to publish overseas. Perhaps something can be negotiated online with an American or UK publisher. Use a pen name. Set it up so that payment goes to an account you can access that doesn't have your actual name. I don't know if such a clandestine setup can be established, but if you want your writing published now, that's all I can think of.

@ Taffimai: "Be well" became part of my sig when several people basically demanded I put it there. I was ending all of my posts with it, and there was a sudden demand for it to become part of my sig. So there it went, and there it will stay. :smallsmile:

@ SMEE: Ummm...Shut up. :smalltongue:

I'm talking specifically about you trying to help me and being unable to. Perhaps you missed the point I made elsewhere. The very fact that you TRIED lit up my emotions like you would not believe! When my friend Julie called from NY, I told her about your efforts. Not only was she stunned by your offer, but you could practically hear her smile through the phone! :smallsmile: You make it seem like it's your fault I have Type 1 diabetes instead of Type 2. Silly girl! That is NOT your problem. It's not even MY problem. That's just the way it is. You looked into the situation, arranged for your parents to take me in post-op, and told me that the only thing on my shoulders would be getting to Brazil. You did a lot in an effort to help me. It's merely fate that my type of diabetes mellitus ("syphon like honey" for those who don't know the Latin translation) can't be cured by the surgery.

So stop blaming yourself for that one. I find it amazing that you even tried so hard. :smallsmile:

I wish I could do and say more right now, but pain meds are starting to kick in, so my brain is becoming disconnected. Wheeeee! :smalltongue:

[Don Julio Anejo]

Sorry to go off-topic with a useless post, but Rubakhin, could you please post a link (or send it to me by PM) of the story you're writing? Language doesn't matter as long as it's Russian/English/Ukrainian/French. Just seems really interesting to get your take on the subject.

[zeratul]

Thanks everyone, as expected I'm feeling much better today. Your posts helped a lot, (Nexus is officially awesome) and no I didn't cut, and I doubt I ever will, or at least I hope I don't. I'm going to try these Ideas out next time I need them, thank you very much, I love you guys!

Hey nexus, how much are dueling pistols running for now adays?............(:smalltongue: )

[Tomb_Raven]

Hey there,

I feel an evening of down comeing along... in its first stages, so i think ill vent premtively and hopefully feel better before it kicks in in full. Rollercoster just dipped for no reason, sigh.

So basicaly this is it... ive been leading a relatively nice and simple cosy life, with relatively few heart wrenching and depressive episodes in the past. However those were bad... hmmm... but in the past and over and done with. I hope, anyway got sidetracked.

Sooo ive been going out with this girl for almost 11 months. Everything was great and fine untill summer... hmmm summer was good. Its after summer, thats whats bad.

I went off to study in Scotland, and she to the Netherlands. So now there is this large 1000km cleft between us. We considered breaking up before leaving our separate ways... but came to the conclusion that we are simply too much in love. All well and good. But the problem is, that we are so very much in love.

I only get to see her once a month, on average. In fact im heading over there this weekend ( so i should be happy right now -_-). Well the problem is that we are going to end up in a long distance relationship for around 3 years... if all goes well, and then we can be together again. I know it may sound idiotic, considering we've only been together for such a short time before hand.

But it is pretty certain that we will stay together all those years. Im simply not interested in other people, and she the same. Dont ask me how i know this, but us breaking up will not be an issue unless we do something insanely dumb, like cheating on each other regularly or something.

Well I have been in long distance relationships before... i have suffered imensly, and this is no different. If anything worse. And the prospect of having to live 3 years in a state of constant ups and terrible down like this, always separated, scares me profusely. It also seriously drags me down.

She is lucky as she can easily destract herself and "pass the time". Not that she forgets about me... she is just much better at coping. Sigh... but the prospect of a whole 3 years in this state is realy horrible. However the alternative of breaking up with her is also simply too terrible to contemplate. Its a kind of loose loose situation. I wouldnt know what to do if we broke up. Shes the first girl i have truely loved (first to have truely loved, not loved. Im sure i can tell the difference... well no one realy can, im a biologist... and could go on for hours about oxytocin and dopamine) and i realy cant let that go. Bah the last break up was bad enough, and now a break up with the only girl who has truely loved me... and is simply perfect for no reason, would simply destroy me.

Ah what punctuates the pain though... is the fact that she has "threatend" to do a mercikilling. She said that if she felt i was too misserable with the relationship in the state that it is shed break up with me for my sake. Sigh i think that would hit me harder than a breakup for a significant reason.

Luckily managed to talk her out of it. Not pleading you must understand; simple deplomasy.

Yet 3 years... 3 YEARS! its quite a long time...

hmmm... already feel slightly better for venting. But does anyone have any advice for coping with long distance relationships? And dont say break up or dont bother with them cos they are foolish... love makes fools of us all... and im willing to put up with the pain to be with her, no question. Its how to put up with the pain that worries me.

Thanks for listening, just if you read this will mean a lot.

Your going out for a smoke,

~TR~

EDIT: sigh now i find out there is no cheese left in the fridge... no comfort toasties for me

[smellie_hippie]

Tomb_Raven: One of the most touching (and lasting) long-distance relationships that I know of was a former roommate of mine and her girlfriend. I won't lie to you and say that it will be easy... but then again, you already know this. It might also be different with you and she being in different countries, where my friends were only in separate states.

One of the things they did to help stay in touch, was watch television together. I'm serious! They would call each other on the cell phone at night, and watch a TV show together and talk about it over the phone. It's hard to get it out of your head that they are so far away... but doing the same thing at the same time and sharing the experience simultaneously seemed to have a tremendous impact.

Lastly, make each visit something memorable. Do small things for each other, like making gifts, to commemorate the time you share in person.

Good luck...

oh yeah... Be Well. :smallsmile:

[Raiser Blade]

oh yeah... Be Well. :smallsmile:

I just knew you were a Bor alt! :smalltongue:

[Serpentine]

One of the things they did to help stay in touch, was watch television together. I'm serious! They would call each other on the cell phone at night, and watch a TV show together and talk about it over the phone. It's hard to get it out of your head that they are so far away... but doing the same thing at the same time and sharing the experience simultaneously seemed to have a tremendous impact.
I've never had anything remotely resembling a long-distance relationship, and doubt I ever will but this idea sounds pretty good to me. Would going to see the same movie or whatever on or around the same day and then talking about it be good, too? How about making sure that every day/interval between communication you do or see something worth telling her?
Phone calls, I think, are a must. I don't know how expensive international phone calls are when every one is not across an ocean, but it might be worth buying a phone card (I had a $10 one that gave something like 50 hours to Canadia) and/or setting aside a goodly amount of money for paying phone bills.

[Rex Idiotarum]

Yay! I went to a Therapist today, as it turns out, I'm not Bi-Polar or Depressed, I don't get angry, and I otherwise lead a healthy, if absolutely miserable life. I can totally tell how much it helped by the absolute lack of progress I had... But Rex, it's your first day there, don't expect much. But it just felt like I could tell him exactly what's wrong and what I need, but that is exactly what I don't want or need...

[rubakhin]

Sorry to go off-topic with a useless post, but Rubakhin, could you please post a link (or send it to me by PM) of the story you're writing? Language doesn't matter as long as it's Russian/English/Ukrainian/French. Just seems really interesting to get your take on the subject.


*nod* The latest draft will be done in a couple weeks. I'll have posted it somewhere so that my friends can get a look at it, I'll link you.

Also, SMEE: Damn, girl, your chief export is warm fuzzies. Don't be hard on yourself. :smallsmile:

[smellie_hippie]

Serpentine: I don't see why going to the same movie at approximately the same time would hurt. The only reason I'd suggest watching a TV show, or renting the same movie and watching it at the same time, is because you could communicate over the phone while watching. I also agree 100% on the phone situation.

Rex: Congrats! I'm glad you're not stuck with a Bipolar diagnosis. Depression is still not an easy thing to deal with... but if you only have one side of the scale to worry about it's a little easier to handle. Glad to hear you felt comfortable with your therapist! Now if I could only get that kind of instant positive reaction with my clients...

[bluewind95]

I don't really know what to say to most people here except that I hope things improve, and that I'm glad for those whose moods have lifted somewhat.

For the long-distance relationship thing... I can offer a bit of advice as far as the phone calls go. Skype is generally a lot cheaper than normal phone calls. That's how we keep in touch with my aunt who lives in another country. And if the two people have Skype, it's free.

[Miraqariftsky]

Thanks everyone, as expected I'm feeling much better today. Your posts helped a lot, (Nexus is officially awesome) and no I didn't cut, and I doubt I ever will, or at least I hope I don't. I'm going to try these Ideas out next time I need them, thank you very much, I love you guys!

Hey nexus, how much are dueling pistols running for now adays?............(:smalltongue: )

Heavens be praised for your recovery, Zeratul. Thanks for appreciating the advice.

Wha...?! I didn't suggest pistols, did I? Either a duel of all-out unarmed strikes or "fencing" with heavy sticks. Of course, ye shouldn't take along some antique sword or worse, a lumberjack's axe to the duel, or worst--- a gun--- these things'd be more likely to kill than knock someone out and i the current age, that AIN'T RIGHT.

[Tomb_Raven]

Thanks those are great ideas... i already try and keep in touch as much as possible over msn, and skype if i can. The only problem with skype is it tends to crash on me too often, and rejects all my microphones -_- so im hopeing for a new webcam and headset for xmas. Phone calls are damned expensive, but i still try to phone as often as possible during times where chatting isnt possible. Hmmm havnt had any credit on my english phone for over a week... hmmm.

Sigh, however keeping in touch over msn can be realy addictive... its become the highpoint of most of my days, and i feel realy upset or at a loss when one of us cant make it on, but its better than nothing.

Thanks for the advice ^^ any more would be welcome. At least my mood didnt get too bad yesterday, and now nothing can spoil it untill next week... in 2 more days ill be on a plane flying over to the land of the windmills :D cant wait :D

I especialy like the movie idea ^^ i think ill try that out at somepoint... itll have to be a weekend thing though. Sigh gotta start studying, exams in 2 weeks... and im flying off to Holland... love truely does make fools of us all.

Once again thanks,
~TR~

[Rex Idiotarum]

Skype isn't the only free VoIP software, look around, you'll find one that works for you.

[Trog]

Thanks, everyone. Feeling much better today. Just needed more sleep, less stress and Thesnuggles™ :smallsmile: . It's amazing how wildly my mood can still fluctuate with even minor changes to my basic needs. :smalleek: :smallredface:

[Taffimai]

I have just come back from my GP. He did, in fact, take me seriously from the start and is transferring me to a psychiatrist, who can then get me into group therapy like I asked. I am distinctly happier now that I have found signs towards the exit :smallsmile:

Thank you all for your well wishes.

Edit: I'm glad you're feeling better, Trog. I first posted without reading the posts before me, because this thread moves like an avalanche.

Be well, all :smallsmile:
This message lovingly copied from our great filanthropist, Bor.

[Tomb_Raven]

My god... despite everything... i feel so down right now... i have no right to feel down! Why do i feel down?... sooo lonely... but dont want company :smallconfused: i confuse myself... why am i down?

2 more days... i have loads to do... actualy ought to be doing that now... and loads of destractions available... but not in the mood for any of it... need a hug... sigh

Ill just finnish this wine... n have a smoke... then kick myself into doing some work

EDIT:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WJEdb_FwWo

ahh makes me feel fuzzy inside... the nostalgia... spot TR :p... i know this means nothing to people here... just thought id share my happy moments... and school can be nice... its true what they say... youll remember the good bits forever. The bad, my geography teacher and classes, are all gone... dont remember a single episode of that. Except the good bits of course.

Just wishing to share my moment of happyness that i fel right now... but the gloom seeping in again sigh.

[bluewind95]

I'm having a rather... worrisome issue. I'm not sure if it's really bad or if I'm just perceiving it as a bigger thing than it is, but it's got me rather worried and upset in a way.

It seems that I'm undergoing an emotional... well... I dunno... either a breakdown or a full lock-down. Thing is, my ability to feel is pretty dampened. As in... almost non-existent. I was told today something bad happened to someone I know. Granted, I don't really like the person... but normally, when I've heard of such things, even for the same person, I have felt sorry. I don't wish harm upon people. I don't like doing that. I may be a lonely person, but generally I have some empathy. Right now... nothing. And upon commenting on that to the person who told me about the bad news, I was told that such a lack of basic humanity is disgusting. Now, despite the fact most of my feelings are numb, that DID hurt. And yet, that's the kind of thing that, coming from that particular person, would have reduced me to tears. Right now? I'm hurt, yeah, but in a numb way. Closest I am to reacting is to laugh hysterically over this. That's wrong. I feel like a complete monster. Something not even human, really. I don't know why this is happening... I mean, yeah, sometimes I wish I couldn't feel anything since I get hurt too easily... but I wasn't trying to lock down my emotions... and I don't really want to since I'm sure that the people I do care about will absolutely hate the heartless monster I seem to be turning into... and I don't want that...

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I'm having a rather... worrisome issue. I'm not sure if it's really bad or if I'm just perceiving it as a bigger thing than it is, but it's got me rather worried and upset in a way.

It seems that I'm undergoing an emotional... well... I dunno... either a breakdown or a full lock-down. Thing is, my ability to feel is pretty dampened. As in... almost non-existent. I was told today something bad happened to someone I know. Granted, I don't really like the person... but normally, when I've heard of such things, even for the same person, I have felt sorry. I don't wish harm upon people. I don't like doing that. I may be a lonely person, but generally I have some empathy. Right now... nothing. And upon commenting on that to the person who told me about the bad news, I was told that such a lack of basic humanity is disgusting. Now, despite the fact most of my feelings are numb, that DID hurt. And yet, that's the kind of thing that, coming from that particular person, would have reduced me to tears. Right now? I'm hurt, yeah, but in a numb way. Closest I am to reacting is to laugh hysterically over this. That's wrong. I feel like a complete monster. Something not even human, really. I don't know why this is happening... I mean, yeah, sometimes I wish I couldn't feel anything since I get hurt too easily... but I wasn't trying to lock down my emotions... and I don't really want to since I'm sure that the people I do care about will absolutely hate the heartless monster I seem to be turning into... and I don't want that...
I'd like to venture a guess here. Perhaps you're shutting down emotionally to protect yourself. It's a defense mechanism, especially when you've been through a great deal of emotional pain. It's not that you're without feeling; it's that your feelings are on hold until you can handle them. Sometimes this is a learned response to traumatic news. At othet times, it's instinct.

Whatever the case may be, my limited contact with you makes me believe you are far from a heartless monster. Perhaps that's how you perceive yourself at the moment, but it sounds like you may well be a human being trying to protect yourself from emotional overload.

[David Demola]

I'd like to venture a guess here. Perhaps you're shutting down emotionally to protect yourself. It's a defense mechanism, especially when you've been through a great deal of emotional pain. It's not that you're without feeling; it's that your feelings are on hold until you can handle them. Sometimes this is a learned response to traumatic news. At othet times, it's instinct.

Whatever the case may be, my limited contact with you makes me believe you are far from a heartless monster. Perhaps that's how you perceive yourself at the moment, but it sounds like you may well be a human being trying to protect yourself from emotional overload.

The fact that you're worried about not feeling is still a good sign. Plenty of others would just keep moving with their lives.

Don't worry; emotional avoidance is just a defense mechanism. Lord knows if we had to deal with every huge thing that comes our way, we'd all be insane.

[Redpieper]

I just told my deepest darkest secret to my mum and now I feel sick to my stomach.

Funny how the mind works :smallconfused:

[bluewind95]

Thanks guys. I'm feeling more calm today and I hope that the lock-down will lift soon enough.

[DarkLightDragon]

I have a rather amusing story to tell, but I'll tell it later as I'm tired as it's 4am. I have no idea what I'm doing up either. I have managed to get a bit of sleep though, so thats good.

After reading that, you probably guess I have sleeping problems. You know when you're tired and you go to bed and stuff but you just won't go that fast-asleep-state-thingy? Yeah, like that. Been happening a few nights in a row now. Of course, I end up pretty tired during the day time, too.

I also seem to be paranoid a lot. Last night I thought I heard something like a real faint buzz thingy and worried that killer bees were in my room. The night before I was scared of ninja-assassins out to get me (although I managed to calm myself down my telling myself that it was unreasonable, they don't exist, and if they did they wouldn't be after someone like me). Tonight I heard something like a plane flying overhead and kept wondering if bombs were gonna be dropped.

Sad, isn't it? Also a good thing that I proofread my posts, because there would be a LOT of typos here otherwise.

Hm, I better get back to bed and try to sleep some more.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I just told my deepest darkest secret to my mum and now I feel sick to my stomach.

Funny how the mind works :smallconfused:

@ Redpieper, please don't think that you've been ignored. It's just that the information you've given is...well, almost nil. We know nothing about you and your situations. With that said, I'll take a wild guess.

Telling your mom about your sociaopathic murder spree can be a little rough. As long as you didn't tell her where the bodies are, and provided you've left no evidence elsewhere, then all the prosecutor would have is hearsay. So you can calm down. :smallbiggrin:

Seriously, we can usually help, even with heavy hinting at the problem. With no information, we can't halp at all. Consider how much you wan to reveal to a bunch of strangers, then speak up if you want.

@ DLD: Either you sleep deprivation is causing symptoms, or your symptoms are something new entirely. Consult your doctor IMMEDIATELY and let him decide. Hearing things and paranoia are serious symptoms. Get thee to the doctor!

@ Bluewind: Happy to help, even if I hate you. :smallwink:

[SurlySeraph]

Thanks guys. I'm feeling more calm today and I hope that the lock-down will lift soon enough.

I hope it will. I've been in the same state a few times. What worked best for lifting it for me is just to talk with people. Just hanging around with people and not talking makes it worse, because you can see them having emotions and don't connect to them. You have to sort of link with people to get over it fastest.

Alternately, get more sleep at night. That helps too. Don't sleep more during the day, that'll just keep you away from people.

@DLD: Sleep is a good thing. Sleep keeps you sane. Sleep is a good thing. Sleep keeps you sane. What is sleep? What does sleep do?

[Trog]

[Hums]
Who needs sleep?
No, you're never gonna get it.
Who needs sleep?
Tell me what's that for?
Who needs sleep?
No you're never gonna get it
There's a guy who's been awake since the second world war[/humming]

*fluffs pillows for DLD. Konks over head with sleep-inducing mallet*

[Dragonrider]

[Hums]
Who needs sleep?
No, you're never gonna get it.
Who needs sleep?
Tell me what's that for?
Who needs sleep?
No you're never gonna get it
There's a guy who's been awake since the second world war[/humming]

*fluffs pillows for DLD. Konks over head with sleep-inducing mallet*


*tee hee* I love BNL

I always know when I'm feeling down because I start spending more time on GiantITP, which causes me to be stressed because I know I should be doing homework, which causes me to be depressed because I spend even more time on here

*sigh :smallsigh: it's a vicious cycle.

[zeratul]

Trog, AND bnl??? Wow this thread just keeps getting better, and better. :smallcool:

Mmmm left over turkey night!:smallsmile:

[SurlySeraph]

I always know when I'm feeling down because I start spending more time on GiantITP, which causes me to be stressed because I know I should be doing homework, which causes me to be depressed because I spend even more time on here

*sigh :smallsigh: it's a vicious cycle.

And then because you're even more stressed you spend more time here, right? Same used to happen to me, with video games and various websites. I'm not entirely sure how I broke the habit of getting into the cycle, but one approach that I recommend is not going online at all for 2-3 weeks. You'll be so behind on all the threads that you read that you'll stop trying to catch up on all of them and instead go back to just reading a few threads that you post on regularly.

At least, that's how it works for me. If you think you might well try to read several weeks worth of posts just to catch up, then don't try that.

[Dragonrider]

Heh. I've definitely gotten better. for a month I would get on every couple days and post 5-ish times, which was fine, but during the holiday things escalate a little bit. My conscience probably won't allow me to log on for the next few days, while I catch up on math (due Monday morning) and then once I get things under control, my posting will creep back up again.

:smallsigh: Life....

[rubakhin]

My friend Akhmed is dead.

Lanka ran in here a few hours ago. Trembling, tears - he would only say "Akhmed umer, Akhmed umer" - I don't know if he's disappeared or if he got killed. I took his face in my hands, kissed him a dozen times, my poor friend, and he calmed down a little, but still he refused to go into detail. I know only that he thinks somebody's trying to get at me and now he's terrified. Akhmed and Lanka - I named the two characters in my novel after them. I'm getting out of here as soon as humanly possible with Lanka coming with me. Made arrangements ... now I don't know what to do with myself. Hours, hours. What the hell am I going to do? Sit and read? I don't know why I'm bothering posting as none of my thoughts are making sense and it's a labor to think them in English - I can't think about this right now in any language but Russian. I try to say something poetic or full of grief and all that comes out is dull methodical "Akhmed. Akhmed. Akhmed. I needed you so much." And I'm completely numb and all I want to do is make sure Lanka is okay and then have a hundred thousand cigarettes. The sun's rising. God, why can't it stay night for a couple more hours? Daylight seems vulgar or unnatural. If I have to look at morning light right now I'm going to break into a dozen pieces. If anyone so much as glances at Lanka I'm shooting them in the gut. I don't the hell care what happens to me or my manuscripts but I will protect him. He's sleeping in my bed right now. I want to wake him up and ask him what he knows, if they found his body, if a bullet got him or worse ... I'm praying for Akhmed not to be alive, and not to have been tortured to death but to have taken a bullet in the head. Death is not the worst thing they can do to him. I haven't done anything but my writing and there's no way they could have found out about that. Maybe I simply gave Akhmed ideas and he started mouthing off to the wrong person or in front of the police. I can't know now. I keep telling myself that it must be personal enemies or an accident or a mistake ...

[SurlySeraph]

Don't panic, but be prepared to go. Take stock of your possessions, everything in the room. Pack up the stuff that's most useful - a little food and water if you have them in portable form, money if you have much, identification, warm clothes, a weapon if you have one and it's legal to carry (even a small kitchen knife). You may want to bring the manuscript, but if you think the police are after you and might search you, don't.

If you think that whoever killed Akhmed might be looking for you and that you'll have a chance to come back to where you are later, hide the manuscript somewhere where it probably won't be damaged. Under the sink might work, but it might get wet and rot. Between the wall and a cabinet is good if you can find a way to put it there. If you think you'd have time (and the materials) to sew it up afterwards, you can cut open a piece of furniture and hide it in the stuffing. I wouldn't recommend hiding it in your bed (or if possible anywhere else in your bedroom), though, that's likely one of the first places they'll check.

If you think that they'll search you and you won't have a chance to go back to a hiding place for the manuscripts, burn the ones that are most likely to get you in trouble. Mikhail Bulgakov burned his manuscript of The Master and Margarita to hide it from the authorities and rewrote it later. If you wrote from the heart, it will come back to you. Have faith.

Try to get Lanka to explain exactly what happened. He might not be able to at all, but try. If he isn't up to it, just try to comfort each other.

Good luck. I hope Akhmed will be returned. If he is not, I hope you and Lanka will be safe. May whatever power you trust in hasten your steps and turn away your enemies.

[Serpentine]

Whoa. Keep us up to date when you can, so we know you're okay? Do you know just what happened to him? It could be nothing... well, nothing that might put you in danger, too. But what do I know about that stuff? I thought you were in the US... Damn Rubakhin. Stay safe :smalleek:

[PhoeKun]

Oh my god... rubakhin...

I'm so sorry. Stay safe, ok? I don't have any other advice; this is so far beyond the range of my experiences that I don't have words for it. Just do what you need to do to keep yourself and Lanka safe. Keep us posted, if you can...

...

[Don Julio Anejo]

HOLY F***!!

Get your stuff and get the *bleep* out. Hide the manuscript if you think people are going to look for it. Maybe not IN your apartment, as that's the first place people might look. Bury a box outside or something... It's safer this way if you have time.

PS: is it possible gangsters or terrorists and not cops/army killed Akhmed?

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Rubakhin, I pray you reach safety as swiftly as possible. Our prayers are with you. Be safe, and be well.

+Rob

[Miraqariftsky]

Doom is nigh
But its dread is a lie
Keep faith and embrace the shadows
Thy salvation with fear much grows

[DarkLightDragon]

Hooooooooooooly... :smalleek:

You can get through this, Rubakhin! I don't have anything else to say, but you can do it!

[Redpieper]

@ Redpieper, please don't think that you've been ignored. It's just that the information you've given is...well, almost nil. We know nothing about you and your situations. With that said, I'll take a wild guess.

Telling your mom about your sociaopathic murder spree can be a little rough. As long as you didn't tell her where the bodies are, and provided you've left no evidence elsewhere, then all the prosecutor would have is hearsay. So you can calm down. :smallbiggrin:

Seriously, we can usually help, even with heavy hinting at the problem. With no information, we can't halp at all. Consider how much you wan to reveal to a bunch of strangers, then speak up if you want.

@ DLD: Either you sleep deprivation is causing symptoms, or your symptoms are something new entirely. Consult your doctor IMMEDIATELY and let him decide. Hearing things and paranoia are serious symptoms. Get thee to the doctor!

@ Bluewind: Happy to help, even if I hate you. :smallwink:

Ah sorry I should have added this:

"I only wanted to post this, because my mind's racing and all that so I need to do something. Therefor this thread gets the questionable honor of me posting in it. Pay no heed to my post, I'll be fine :smallsmile: "

Again my apologies

PS: The bodies are safely hidden, no evidence that I know off has been left at the scene and now only my fish knows...hmm *stares at my fish* :smallannoyed:

[Quincunx]

Akhmed lies cheek by jowl with Hexa Regina--somewhere.

[bluewind95]

.... that really is terrible, Rubakhin... I'll be praying for your safety...

[rubakhin]

I'm fine. Ruslan is fine. I have only the vaguest idea what's going on because everybody suddenly decided to start talking in Chechen which I don't speak well (about all I can contribute to the conversation is mumbling the phrases "I didn't do it" and "forgive me" over and over again), but from what I can gather none of us are in any danger and Akhmed probably wasn't killed by the powers that be. (Thinking maybe punks or something ... Christ ... At least it wasn't my fault. I pray to God it wasn't my fault. Nobody's said anything but I have this weird feeling that everybody else thinks it is.) We do have his body. I'm no expert in these matters and neither are they, but it looks like he died without a lot of pain ... I can't stop thinking about what it would feel like to have a bullet in your head like that. I'm developing a psychosomatic pressure behind my skull, right where they got him ... at sort of an angle, on his right temple ...

So the plan is that we tuck ourselves safely away in an obscure corner of America for the time being. For some reason, even though nobody's after us and quite possibly we haven't done anything wrong even in the eyes of the military/cops, I feel like a criminal. I'm not a rebel or an extremist, but a writer and a poet ... and I didn't myself kill Akhmed ... This can't possibly be my fault. God, he was such an idiot. He just thought it would be fun and exciting to translate some of my stuff and pass it around all samizdat-like. And sure, I thought it would be sort of neat ... I should have taken better care of him, been the responsible one. And now - Lord, we're part of this tragic history ... There was nothing in it, there was just compassion independent of all politics, compassion for everyone in Chechnya and everyone in the world, compassion for the rebels, the Wahabbists, the young boys who don't know anything but war, the Kadyrov supporters, the indifferent - the civilians and the victims - and compassion for the anger and pain on all sides of this anarchy: how is it a revolutionary act to feel anger and pain when women and children are being killed?

Only, as I said, it can't have anything to do with that. But now that I've been thinking that way for the longest ten hours of my life, it's going to be forever connected in my mind. How can I sit down and go to work again after all this?

I don't want to worry about myself and so I've been worrying about Lanka. We doped him up, he's lying on the floor listening to The Doors on my iPod ... I think he's sleeping. Good idea. I'm going to bed. Fortunately when I wake up I won't have to worry about anyone's life, but ... all today I haven't been feeling anything but sort of a grim determination to protect Lanka. Tunnel vision. I'm not looking forward to all the pain and guilt that'll come once the survival-numbness wears off. It's already starting to and I don't like where my thoughts have been going. This isn't going to be fun.

[Don Julio Anejo]

After some thinking... I realized it can't be the cops/FSB/military/whatever. Then they wouldn't touch Akhmed (because he isn't you, and it draws attention too early). If they wanted to get to you, you would disappear in the middle of the night, and even then I doubt we do this sort of thing anymore unless you're publishing classified military documents or a report of something you saw that can severely screw over high-ranking politicians (in the sense of connecting them to drugs, mass murder, etc).

I doubt you're doing either, and Akhmed got shot instead of you, so you should be safe from the government.

Sorry, should have written it last night when this occurred to me.

I'm sorry for what happened to your friend :frown: Hopefully everything will work out for everyone else involved...

[Skippy]

Hello everyone. I am feeling a bit down.

I miss the feeling of being in love.

I miss the kind of person I am when I love someone.

And what's worse, I've been remembering the last time I was with a girl. It is annoying since she hurt me so much, and even though she means nothing to me now, I can't help feeling sad with my memories. I am in love with love itself, and it is sad not having love in my life...

*Sigh*

[Trog]

Holy Crap! :smalleek:

*hugs rubakhin* :smallfrown:

[rubakhin]

After some thinking... I realized it can't be the cops/FSB/military/whatever. Then they wouldn't touch Akhmed (because he isn't you, and it draws attention too early). If they wanted to get to you, you would disappear in the middle of the night, and even then I doubt we do this sort of thing anymore unless you're publishing classified military documents or a report of something you saw that can severely screw over high-ranking politicians (in the sense of connecting them to drugs, mass murder, etc).

I doubt you're doing either, and Akhmed got shot instead of you, so you should be safe from the government.


Yeah, Russia's not doing that sort of thing anymore, thank God. But I'm not worried about the FSB, I'm worried about the Kadyrovtsy. Akhmed was in Chechnya, distributing some of the stuff I wrote that was more or less anti-Kadyrov, and Kadyrov is insane. He's not only looking to get rid of the remaining terrorists and rebels, but rid of anyone who is against him and his government's policies. He was the man who said "If they will not live in peace with me, I will make them." And you can imagine how he's been enforcing that. I understand that it's important to bring order to Chechnya, but he's been kidnapping, torturing, and murdering civilians.

Fortunately, I'm in the clear. I'm safely in the West right now where I can say anything I like.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Yeah, Russia's not doing that sort of thing anymore, thank God. But I'm not worried about the FSB, I'm worried about the Kadyrovtsy. Akhmed was in Chechnya, distributing some of the stuff I wrote that was more or less anti-Kadyrov, and Kadyrov is insane. He's not only looking to get rid of the remaining terrorists and rebels, but rid of anyone who is against him and his government's policies. He was the man who said "If they will not live in peace with me, I will make them." And you can imagine how he's been enforcing that. I understand that it's important to bring order to Chechnya, but he's been kidnapping, torturing, and murdering civilians.

Fortunately, I'm in the clear. I'm safely in the West right now where I can say anything I like.
Okay, Rubakhin...That's good news. And while you're able to say what you like, you're skirting that political chat rule here on GitP. So please be careful, as we obviously kinda care about you and stuff. :smallwink:

You have my sincere condolences over the loss of your friend. What concerns me is that you might be blaming yourself for his death. I am, in no way, saying he desrved what happened, but he was certainly playing a dangerous game by distributing your writing. It doesn't matter who got to him; it was a friend lost to brutality, and I want to be clear that it is NOT your fault.

Your previous posts were wrought with fear and panic. I pray you're not experiencing those emotions anymore. I, and abviously others, want you safe. You say you're safe now, so please...PLEASE...stay that way. And come to us if you need any more help coping with your emotions.

@ Radikalskippy: "Was it love; or was it the idea of being in love?" Lyrics from a Pink Floyd song. (Can't remember the name of the tune.) It's a fine line between the two that only you can define. The former is a powerful motivator that provides the most amazing natural high, and that high lasts a good long while. The latter it weak, and subject to change quite easily. The latter can also end up hurting someone rather badly, be it yourself or the person you're with. Be cautious as you wander the roads of romance.

[Skippy]

@ Radikalskippy: "Was it love; or was it the idea of being in love?" Lyrics from a Pink Floyd song. (Can't remember the name of the tune.) It's a fine line between the two that only you can define. The former is a powerful motivator that provides the most amazing natural high, and that high lasts a good long while. The latter it weak, and subject to change quite easily. The latter can also end up hurting someone rather badly, be it yourself or the person you're with. Be cautious as you wander the roads of romance.

:smallsigh:

I like the person that I am when I have someone to care about. I like the feeling of knowing someone cares about me. Right now, I know the last time she wasn't the one for me, and I don't feel anything for her anymore. But I still miss how I felt when I was with her...

[CurlyKitGirl]

I know this seems so chilidish but I need to vent because it gave rise to something I've been in denial about.
It was supid but my life has been screwed up for a few months now, and today I faile a test. It didn't matter but I was annoyed with myself and I started tearing at the skin around my fingers.
Then it hit me. Every time I've hated myself, fet upset, depressed or angry I would rip at the skin until it bled. I suspected something and when I did something foolish and hated something for the rest of the ay I'd start to go for my fingers to make them hurt and stop myself hurting.
I realised that I self harm. Now I'm going to stop. Please help me.

[Micate]

Curly, My first instinct is to suggest you replace tearing your fingers with attacking something else. The only suggestions I could come up with would be either stress balls, or a big glob of silly putty or similar substance.

[Anon. and on]

I suggest blue tack.
Push it together ... streeeeeeeeetch ... push it together ... streeeeeeeeeeeetch ... put it together ... streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch. So therapeutic. :smallwink:

[sktarq]

@CKG. To sound a bit like a broken record have you though of a gym, lap pool, or running path? You get to have all the pain of self harm without the social problems or metal issues. :smallwink:

[Dragonrider]

@CKG: I tend to do that when I get mad or frustrated too: i.e., dig my fingernails into my palms till I can't take it anymore, or bite my tongue. I figured out that throwing things is a good substitute (even better if they're breakable, but take care it's not something you'll miss later).

I had a bad day...yesterday, it was. I went up to my room and sat down on my bed and had a sudden wild urge to pick up my blanket and tear it in half. Even though my grandma hand-made it for my 13th birthday. I wanted to do something I'd really regret later, like chopping off all my hair, or breaking something I really cared about. When I get depressed, I get angry - not at anyone or anything in particular but just at the world in general. It's probably a trait passed down from my great-grandparents, who died of alcoholism...my grandpa has that lightning temper, my dad has it, and I have it.

It scares my mom, because her sister was suicidal at my age and will be on prozac (or whatever it's called) the rest of her life. I've never contemplated that, but I do scare myself sometimes. I think it's partially hormonal PMS-ish stuff, because it cycles...this week has been bad. I fought with my dad once (first time in years) and my brothers multiple times. I always feel horrible afterwards...but I can't seem to stop myself. When I get in a certain headspace I can't seem to admit I'm wrong....

I guess I've had a bit of this temperment all my life, since I was 2 years old and I'd throw three-hour tantrums. I'm pretty sure it's got something to do with an inability to communicate when I'm emotionally upset - but right now I'm feeling all right so it's hard to tell.

[Tomb_Raven]

sigh...

that about sums up my life... spent the most amazing weekend in holland with ly girlfriend... and now im back and despising my life and myself and the way i am and missing her immensly...

i live a life of denial it seams... behind a false ego i have built for myself... i spose a well enough founded egi... i know how intelligent i am... Perhaps I am not very wise or lerned... but i know where i stand.

And at the moment its int he middle of a deep dark hole...

Havnt been to lectures since... well i went to a few in the first few weeks of the semester... now i only go to practicals... and that barely... only go to one practical every two weeks. And only because thats the only one where i cant get the information i need for the assignment elsewhere.

So i spend day after day after day sleeping in till 14 or so... and staying up till 3... unless a sudden bout of insomnia hits me and then my sleeping patter is arse about face... but always reverts to the general lazyness...

sigh... it seems every day seems the same and pointless... i have absolutely no will to get up... i even find it immensly hard to get up to go to one practical every two weeks...

i just dont see why i should get up... disciplin isnt enough when ur going to get up to a day of what is fundamentaly the same thing over and over again.

I mean i could try going to lectures to get into a rhythm and pattern and get some variation every day... might help i spose... but would still seem pointless so far has anyway... end up tottering between sleep and barely paying attention in the lectures... or just drawing so i dont take much in and in the ong run it all drifts into the sameness.

I get the occasional destractions... and friends... but i dont seem to want company as much anymore. I am generaly rather extravert... but dont want to be around people much at the moment. Or rather i dont want to be around random people. Around friends would be different but havnt buitl up much of a friendship with anyone yet... those things take time and dedication.... which has been lacking lately.

Sigh...

I dont eat regularly... i dont feel hungry anymore... exept occasionaly perhaps once a day and then i usualy get satisfied with a tiny meal.

And i live in constant fear... i am scared that my girlfriend will dump me ( for whatever reasons... she gets bored of me... or out of pity cos im more and more and more depressed about the long distance thing) and that depresses me farther. I sometimes walk down the street alone... and while doing so play out random scenarious... if im lucky i just think about people attacking me or mugging me and how i would tackle them... usualy win. But sometimes i play through scenarios involving her breaking up with me or somehting along those lines and they depress me imensly...

I dont even know if this is borderline depression or just occasional bouts of melancholy. Sigh.

Ive had one friend tell me to go see a psych... but i hate em... im sorry if i am offending anyone... but i find them pointless... if i cant help myself (which sadly at the moment i dont seem to be able to... because im in a position where i would have to change my entire being to be happy or simply move somewhere else...) then they wont be able to help me... they can tell me whats wrong with me if they want... but i probably already know that... even if most of it is subconcious.

And the alternative? Drugs... hmmm pills... i dont doubt they work... but i seem to have an inner disgust towards the idea...

lol i dont even know why im thinking of psychs... im no where near that... and at least i dont have to fear for my life or anything. Im too scared to even attempt suicide... i doubt i could ever do that... (sigh a lot of things scare me) the closest i would come is by drinking myself to death... which would take a lot...

Sigh i have not had pleasent experiances with long distance relationships in the past... infact all of em have been long distance ones... This one at least we were together for 7 or so months before we went our separate ways...

i guess these old relationships... or at least one of them... only one other girl have i loved... bring about my fears... but i dont know anymore

I cant even think straight... at the moment... just talked to my girlfriend on an internet messenger chat thing... sigh

i dont want to lie about my feelings to her and she doesnt want me too either... so i tell her how i feel... and how unhappy i gt when im not with her... which is bad i know... but its one of the few releases from the anguish it causes i have... i feel slightly better for venting it to her... however it comes at a price i guess...

after each time i feel guilty... cos i upset or scare her that i feel this way. I keep on wishing i didnt tell her these tings... but i want to because i think she has a right to know and because it allows me a moments release...

hmmm but then i get guilty and scared... Scared that shell leave me out of pity... and guilty that i make her unhappy...

empathy can be a right pain cant it... when shes unhappy i get unhappy... and vice versa... usualy i can cheer her up and make her feel good and she me... but sometimes i am so unhappy that i drag her down too... and if were web caming, like tonight, and i see her cry its like tearing into my soal with an icicle...

sigh i know that by now im probably rambling and going in circles... but still... i have a need to write what im thinking right now... so im just writing my thoughts down as i think them... so i apologies if its too disjointed...

... ok ill stop this now...

i dont realy expect much help right now, was writing for purposes of venting i suppose... i think the thing i need most now is a hug.

yours, feeling realy down... and off for a smoke sigh

~TR~

[Quxelopqr]

[/hug]

What you have sounds more like serious depression then borderline or melancholy. As much as you say you dislike doctors and the like I would really have to support seeing one, if only to get a professional opinion (as much as I'd like to think mine is good, I'll admit I'm no doctor). A very good friend of mine went through something like this recently, the thing that helped her the most was finding something she could do that was not only new, but something that she enjoyed. For me, I find that taking a long walk or eating a pie helps a lot (and the walks help with the pie) and that a nap is godly. I also find that keeping your mind off of things helps a lot too, occupying your time with something can make you start to feel a litle better.

If naptime and a paper weren't calling me I'd give some more 'advice', but if you (or anyone else for that matter) need to talk, send me a pm. I'll always have an ear open and a shoulder to cry on.
-nick

[Gitman00]

@Tomb_Raven:

What you're describing sounds like textbook depression. I've been there, my friend. I understand. The disjointed thought processes, the lack of motivation, the fear of rejection, the feelings of guilt. These are all too familiar.

I struggled with depression for several years, so I'll try to share with you some things that helped me "kick the habit," so to speak. And it is a habit, as addictive as a drug and almost as hard to break.

Gitman's home remedy for depression:

1. Take some time each day to think of things you're thankful for. Write them down, if you're so inclined. Anything at all, no matter how insignificant it may seem. The weather, the food on your plate, your health, your girlfriend, whatever. The point is to get in the habit of thinking about the positive. If you're a spiritual person, take time to thank the deity of your choice for everything good in your life.

2. Set a goal, or more than one. Doesn't matter what it is, decide you're going to accomplish something, then go do it. I can't think of a better way to give yourself a sense of purpose and direction. An easy one to set (though it can be challenging to follow through) is to get up early. Personally, I always feel better when I get up early. When I see a sunrise, I see a new day with unlimited possibilities.

3. Exercise. An hour of exercise every day, or even every other day, can do wonders for you. Not only does it help with that sense of purpose and self-esteem, there are physiological aspects as well. Exercise causes your body to release endorphins, which are natural "feel-good" hormones.

4. Pay attention to your girlfriend and your friends. When you're paying attention to someone else, it takes your attention off yourself and how depressed you are. This is very important, because depressive thought patterns are repetitive and self-propagating. Breaking that cycle is perhaps the most important step in overcoming depression.

5. Here's that hug! *manly back-thumping hug* Seriously, human physical contact is important, and we "manly men" often forget that.

A couple final thoughts. Don't discount the idea of professional counseling. I can give you advice based on my own experience, and so can the others here, but most of us aren't trained and we don't know your specific situation. I will say, however, that counseling will only work if you want it to. My parents forced me to go to counseling when I was depressed, and I was determined that it wasn't going to help, so it didn't. It has to be your decision.

Also, on the issue of medication. Be very careful. Often times, depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, and medication really can help with this, but don't look at it as a final or permanent solution. If you eventually decide that you need it, look at it as something temporary to help you get back on your feet.

Whatever you do, don't give up! Here's hoping you can kick it!

@Dragonrider:

See #3 above. I've been known to fly into destructive rages myself, and I find that doing something physical helps a lot. Running, in particular, is great. I always feel better after spending a couple miles pounding out the anger. If you're afraid of taking it out on your family, physically separate yourself from them for a couple hours while you calm down. Running is good for that, too. :smallwink:

[Skippy]

I know this seems so chilidish but I need to vent because it gave rise to something I've been in denial about.
It was supid but my life has been screwed up for a few months now, and today I faile a test. It didn't matter but I was annoyed with myself and I started tearing at the skin around my fingers.
Then it hit me. Every time I've hated myself, fet upset, depressed or angry I would rip at the skin until it bled. I suspected something and when I did something foolish and hated something for the rest of the ay I'd start to go for my fingers to make them hurt and stop myself hurting.
I realised that I self harm. Now I'm going to stop. Please help me.

*Hugs Curly*
I feel sad about this, you know. I am a very strict person with myself, I don't allow me to make mistakes and I tend to be very harsh with myself when I make one. And I understand you. Of course, I haven't taken the right way myself (I'm so afraid of making mistakes that I often avoid doing the things instead), but I've learned something of the huge mistakes I've done: It's important to forgive oneself. It's not easy, but it's what must be done. It's OK to be angry when one makes a mistake, but quoting the movie "Scent of a Woman":


If you get tangled, just tango on.

I've also learned that making mistakes is important. Human brain is a self correcting system, and it needs to make mistakes every once in a while to perfect itself. The trick here is encouraging the brain to learn from the mistakes we make. Not trying to encourage it to stop thinking, which is what would happen if one keeps running from being wrong sometimes, or punish oneself for being wrong.

Cheer up, Curly! Always look on the bright side of life!

*Hugs again*

[Alarra]

*hugs tomb raven, and curly*

Gitman's list is a good one, and a lot of that advice are things that sound like common sense but that most people don't think about, at least not in the same way. And really, I can't fault you for your opinion about getting professional help.....I mean, hell...I'm studying to be a therapist and I still balk at the idea of going to one, or the implication that I might get use from it, or can't solve all of my problems myself.

And yes Curly....while finding other manners of stress relief (tearing paper, stress balls, smooshing clay or putty (i love doing that...so relaxing)), won't help you figure out why you tear at yourself when you're upset, it can help to break the cycle of behavior, which is a good start.

I am not depressed, however, today has been a very trying day and I'm trying to sort through some stuff in my head, so figured I might post about it.

Class this morning was....frankly awful. My teacher spent a good 30 minutes basically doing therapy on me, discussing my reluctance to speak up, the fact that she seems to intimidate me and make me nervous, her (completely unfounded) worries about my ability to interact with my clients and fears that I may have severe social anxiety and need to see a therapist. Right...IN CLASS. We got out later and the other girls in there were all 'Holy crap are you okay? I can't believe she was doing that. We couldn't figure out how to stop it though." But yeah, suffice it to say I'm now in a bit of a bleh....something. And the thing is that I do talk. I discuss my clients, comment on the readings, do participate, and I'm not sure what exactly she's expecting from me, and I don't think that this should have been something discussed with my classmates in any case. *sigh* :smallfrown:

I'm concerned about my relationships with my friends too, but I'll leave this at one problem for the moment.

[Trog]

@ Alarra

Oh man. How rude! I mean it's one thing to discuss a hypothetical someone... or even to ASK a student if it is okay to talk about something and use them as an example... but to just start analyzing you in a negative fashion in front of your peers?! If I were you, next class period I'd ask - loud and clear in class, mind you - if she was going to apologize for singling you out in front of your peers yesterday. It's the least you deserve to see her squirm in front of your classmates. Or prove her insensitivity if she refuses to.

And you DO deserve an apology for that and it is okay for you to ask for it.

Here. Take the attack dogs too. *hands over chain leashes to three headed dog raised on the flesh of insensitive bee-atches*

[Skippy]

Here. Take the attack dogs too. *hands over chain leashes to three headed dog raised on the flesh of insensitive bee-atches*

How many ranks did you say you put in Diplomacy?

[Trog]

2... not more than 2. Trog had the dogs take obedience intimidation classes though. They're back up in case diplomacy fails. Trog's learned to improvise.

[Tomb_Raven]

thanks for the hugs n sympathy...

im going to take your adivce and start by going to training now ^^... havnt been in taekwondo for a month... feel the need to fight a bit, very theraputic :D

Feeling much better todya... not happy or anything but compared to last night infinately better.

thanks again,

~TR~

EDIT: Back and feeling a thousand times better... a good old powerout ah... sigh... i miss my old sparring training though, it got canceled, now i have to do regular training. Speaking of which found out today belt grading is next week... already have exams... but it is tempting... could i practice it all to be able to pass in a week? Hmmmm

[Dragonrider]

im going to take your adivce and start by going to training now ^^... havnt been in taekwondo for a month... feel the need to fight a bit, very theraputic :D

*snip*

EDIT: Back and feeling a thousand times better... a good old powerout ah... sigh... i miss my old sparring training though, it got canceled, now i have to do regular training. Speaking of which found out today belt grading is next week... already have exams... but it is tempting... could i practice it all to be able to pass in a week? Hmmmm

I do karate 6-9 PM on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I've found it helps enormously when I'm down. We sparred yesterday and although we don't do much contact - touch only - the girl I sparred with doesn't hold back much and it was fun to go at it with her. Kata also is helpful, because I'm using energy and that feels good. I sleep better that way too.

[Quincunx]

. . .Class this morning was....frankly awful. My teacher spent a good 30 minutes basically doing therapy on me, discussing my reluctance to speak up, the fact that she seems to intimidate me and make me nervous, her (completely unfounded) worries about my ability to interact with my clients and fears that I may have severe social anxiety and need to see a therapist. Right...IN CLASS. We got out later and the other girls in there were all 'Holy crap are you okay? I can't believe she was doing that. We couldn't figure out how to stop it though." But yeah, suffice it to say I'm now in a bit of a bleh....something. And the thing is that I do talk. I discuss my clients, comment on the readings, do participate, and I'm not sure what exactly she's expecting from me, and I don't think that this should have been something discussed with my classmates in any case. *sigh*. . .

Given that you're all (?) training to become therapists, could this have been a very badly botched attempt to teach you all how to intervene/stop bad advice/not overstep boundaries? I'm a tad worried for the next generation of therapists if nobody in this crop has learned when and how to halt someone else. [EDIT: Thanks, Smellie Hippie, for the perspective on how that teaching method--if teaching method it was--ought to be used.]

[smellie_hippie]

Class this morning was....frankly awful. My teacher spent a good 30 minutes basically doing therapy on me, discussing my reluctance to speak up, the fact that she seems to intimidate me and make me nervous, her (completely unfounded) worries about my ability to interact with my clients and fears that I may have severe social anxiety and need to see a therapist. Right...IN CLASS. We got out later and the other girls in there were all 'Holy crap are you okay? I can't believe she was doing that. We couldn't figure out how to stop it though." But yeah, suffice it to say I'm now in a bit of a bleh....something. And the thing is that I do talk. I discuss my clients, comment on the readings, do participate, and I'm not sure what exactly she's expecting from me, and I don't think that this should have been something discussed with my classmates in any case. *sigh* :smallfrown:

That is...... odd. I mean, some aspects of learning therapy you can't get from a book, but that's why they have internships and practicuum. And really, what the point of givin an example of having a client who might intimidate you, or make you feel uncomfortable? That's gonna happen to every therapist eventually anyway...

It might not be a bad idea to follow Trog's advice and talk with your professor about how you felt during her session. Was this a class on 'groups'? When I had this class, it was basically a personal session for each of us with the group every week. No role-play, no 'case studies'... you come to class with an issue, and got therapized with the group to get multiple perpectives. It had a tendency to bring out some tears, but it was a good experience. The difference is that we all knew what to expect with each class/session.

*hugs*

I hope things get better for you. Therapy is a wonderful job, and I love it (almost) everyday! Hang in there!!

[Iudex Fatarum]

On the subject of therapists in general, I recently started going to one, I've been suffering from text book depression, and when teh therapist used a standardized tool to tell how depressed I was I scored so low his first response was "oh!!" there is only one worse score i could have gotten. I have gone to therapists in the past and he was horrible but i started going to a different one, he is better. his advice has been amazingly good and its been very useful. just from one bad experience don't give up.

I'm a martial artist at heart but I find that any sport that lets out agression is useful in dealing with depression, anxiety, ... I take Taekwon-do and just got my blackbelt and love sparring, but I also used to do fencing. while i get cuts and bruises (especialy from fencing) It is worth it, lets out your anger, lets out your emotions in a safe arena and yet it also requires thought so it makes you learn to let out your emotions but still control the rate and magnitude of them. quite useful and when you get too angry there is alwasy target practice (punching bag or other padding)

on a more serious not i've been extreamly depressed for a while now, i cant seem to get the motivation to do anything i just want to sleep all day and stay awake all night. (which isn't bad as i work part-time 3rd shift) but I do need my sleep when not working. the best i've felt in the past couple of months was with my gf and her family over thanksgiving but otherwise its just sitting and crying with my gf about nothing. and while i am not suicidal i do have a deathwish (if that makes sense). basicly i don't want to harm myself but wouldn't mind harm coming to me. i am a highly religious person and so this is easier to deal with to some extent over a long term but in the short its not easy. I also have had issues with my father lately. he has taken up the habit of coming home and picking a fight with me. doesn't matter what it is about, he accuses me of dishonoring him which is higly offensive and its purly because i don't take the bad advice he gives me.

[Dragonrider]

@^: My dad sometimes comes home from work and yells at me, and I know it's purely because something's stressing him out there. (We have very similar personalities, so we can read each other really well...it's quite annoying sometimes because he's almost always right about me. :smallamused:) If your father is doing it on a daily basis, it could be he's depressed himself, but as I don't know him I really can't say why. However, my best advice would be to simply remove yourself from the situation: "I'm not going to talk about this."

[Tomb_Raven]

*snip*

on a more serious not i've been extreamly depressed for a while now, i cant seem to get the motivation to do anything i just want to sleep all day and stay awake all night. (which isn't bad as i work part-time 3rd shift) but I do need my sleep when not working. the best i've felt in the past couple of months was with my gf and her family over thanksgiving but otherwise its just sitting and crying with my gf about nothing. and while i am not suicidal i do have a deathwish (if that makes sense). basicly i don't want to harm myself but wouldn't mind harm coming to me. i am a highly religious person and so this is easier to deal with to some extent over a long term but in the short its not easy. I also have had issues with my father lately. he has taken up the habit of coming home and picking a fight with me. doesn't matter what it is about, he accuses me of dishonoring him which is higly offensive and its purly because i don't take the bad advice he gives me.

Ok you scare me... same exact thing here... except my mum was the one being icky... but im not going into that.

You mean deathwish as in not looking while you cross the road, because you decided well whats the worst that can happen? I get that.

Just slept 16 hours after a night of insomnia... its realy confusing...

Best advice i can offer... is... well... sport *shrug* erm im in no position to offer advice at present, but training helped a LOT yesterday, and as a result i feel normal today :D normal Hahahaha, not unhappy

~TR~

[Iudex Fatarum]

Not that i thought whats the worst that could happen, but "Man I wish someone would just hit me with a car and kill me so no one would have to deal with me any more and so i don't have to deal with them"

My father has some odd idea that if i don't follow every piece of his advice i'm being a horrible person. This is somewhat reasonable as a child but I am an adult.

[Maryring]

Eh. Parents are stupid. (Among other things) both my parents ignore any and all of my thoughts, arguments and input on mostly anything because I'm their child. Unfortunately, I have no advice with how to actually deal with this. Parents will be parents, always. Hopefully, they will change eventually though. I could perhaps be of more help if it wasn't for the fact that I'm stuck in the same problem.

But meh, perhaps it's just me acting it up again. (Not really) horray for Masochism.

[eidreff]

Here goes.

I may be about to lose my job.

Not through carelessness (i have checked down the back of the sofa).

I work for a local council in Britain and like all of them there is currently a squeeze on spending. However this is a bit worse than that. Management (as in top brass) are looking at what they call "Shared services" which basically means privatisation (they call it partnership with a private enterprise).

This is bad. My department, despite out preforming almost every comparable department in the UK, cost a lot. A LOT. to run.

Every other attempt to outsource the line i work in has failed misserably and cost more in the long run than having trained and dedicated (as in actually care what they are doing) staff.

This however will not stop the short term political gains of saving a quick buck now.

My problem is this. Having done my current job for the last 7 year my brain has turned to mush. I cannot remember most of what I learned. The volume of my brain taken up with the legal side of what i do and the intricasies has force out all other useful knowledge.

In short I am starting to panic.

Yes I have transferable skills, am good with IT and more than willing to learn, but i really don't know which way to turn.

Add to this the fact that I don't drive thus have a limited radius to look for new work in.

I have been looking for a new job for the last 6 months now and have had only 3 replies from two dozen applications!

Sorry about his guys. It's a bit petty considering some of the real emotional upsets that are mentioned here, but I just had to get this off my chest.

Thanks for listening.

[Alarra]

Don't be ridiculous, there's no such thing as a petty emotional upset. Any issue that is large enough to be concerning you is certainly worth posting on this thread for advice.

As for practical, finding a job advice....I'm not sure what to tell you other than keep trying and good luck. *hug*

[Iudex Fatarum]

My only advice is use people you know, just mention your looking for a job, sometimes a friend of a friend of a friend can get you an interview, then you can get the job (the interview is the hard part)

Good luck for you, I hope you have more success in your job hunt than I have in life in general. I'd help but I only have one contact in england who i havent talked to in years though he used to live in Leeds. oh well so much for 6 year old pen pals back when the internet was young (yes he was my pen-pal and i was the same age)

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Eidreff: I really wish I could offer words of advice under your circumstances, as you've offered so much aid to me on my quest for a grant for The Suicide Note. Alas, all I can do is offer words of comfort.

It's a sad state of affairs when money dictates policy over that which certain people are so well-qualified. If what you've described is accurate, you may well find this company you're working for come crawling back to you after they discover that eliminating your department was a mistake. (Perfect time to negotiate for that 10% raise, I think. :smallwink: )

Meanwhile, on your quest for employment, play upon more than your technical skills. You have people skills, which you've demonstrated quite well here. The use of language is an art. Use it on your hunt for a job.

And if worse comes to worst, apply for a grant, proclaiming that you're studying the difficulties in finding a job in a specifically skilled market. Submit your findings once you've found work. :smallbiggrin:

[Thes Hunter]

I have been looking for a new job for the last 6 months now and have had only 3 replies from two dozen applications!


I don't know about the UK, but I know in the US, 3 replies to 24 applications is actually pretty good.


I know. I just about to end a job search on Monday when I accept an offer I got yesterday. I applied for this job back in September. Yep, you heard me right. September.


Being part of the most efficient department of it's type in the UK is a big feather in your cap. It is something that you should make sure is on your CV, and cover letters.

Though what you do is fairly specialized within the government, you may find private industry will pay well for a 'government insider' to advise them on how best to get the government to work for them. Many people in the US seem to make very profitable careers out of such consulting.

And even if you do not continue along the same lines of work, you being part of such a capable team speaks well on your abilities, no matter what line of work you are in. It says you are capable, hard working, and intelligent. All things companies want no matter what you are doing.

And to go along with all the other good advice people have given, The government will eventually turn around and ask for you back. And that is when you ask for more money, but I have a feeling that by that time you will be making enough money that they had better offer you more than a 10% raise.

*hugs* I know how stressing looking for a job is.

[Aereshaa_the_2nd]

Yeah, quiet rest time is ok I guess... but that's a lot of valuable night-time video game playing that I'd be losing. ; )
My GF doesnt appreciate me wasting my weekends on it...
And meditation time doesnt go over so well at work.. buncha slave drivers here.

I'll stop complaining though, such is life.

And old people do seem to sleep less in my experience. They tend to toss around in bed a lot and still get up at the crack of dawn... but maybe thats just what I've noticed, could be wrong.

I used to have bad night owlery.. never got meds for it, but I find that exercise right before bed, plus fresh air through the window, helps me get to sleep a lot. I find that the more exercise during the day, the more sleep I can get.

[TigerHunter]

Excerpt from my diary:

People always talk ask “What’s the purpose of life?” I’m still wondering “Is there a purpose to life?”
I did nothing today but play games. Nothing. Woke up at eight, played World of Warcraft for twelve hours. It’s sick and pathetic. My life seems to be nothing more than a series of time-wasters, constantly waiting to reach a higher level. For years, I’ve told myself—and Emily still tells me—that everything will be so much better once I’m an adult, in college and free to make my own decisions. But its starting to become an empty hope. I’ve told myself that since what, 4th grade? 5th? 6th? Now I’m halfway through my Junior year, and I’m starting to give up. I come home, do homework, and then waste the rest of the night playing some video game or another. I have no life outside of school—Angela and Jenna both have their own friends to hang out with, and arranging something with Emily is always a hassle and usually impossible.
I’ve had thoughts about life not being worth living before. All the world is a stage, and the people its actors. But there’s no audience, nobody to care if one of the characters dies. I believe in God, but I’ve never particularly embraced any of what I’ve been taught in church. Nihilism has become part of my thoughts more and more. My hope of getting to college and becoming an adult seems hopelessly naïve. I have friends going through college, all of whom say that’s its no different than High School. They dream of graduating and going out into the real world in the same way that I dream of getting to where they are. I’ve had thoughts of suicide before, but tonight I actually thought about how I’d do it. I’m too squeamish and scared to do it in a violent or prolonged manner, I’d just swallow a pill and let the blackness wash over me. That scares me, because I know that I have things to live for. I just can’t think of what on earth they are.
My parents don’t help. They’ve never really been parents to me—I don’t really remember anything about them before the divorce, and after that… they’ve never been people I’ve even considered opening up to and talking with. I smashed a window at my dad’s house before moving out permanently, and my mother called the police on me and got criminal charges invoked because I said I wanted to kill her. It’s not that I can’t forgive her for that, it’s that I won’t—not until she even considers what being arrested and carried into the mental hospital while forcibly restrained did to me. Not until she considers that she might have made a mistake, might have not done the right thing.
I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to convey my thoughts properly onto paper. I’m crying now—something I haven’t done in a while. Probably because I haven’t written anything like this in so long.
I want to have a happy, healthy life. I want to help people and make something of myself. I look forward to a brighter future, but I’m currently stuck in a present that’s not even dark, just an annoyingly bland shade of grey. I’m nobody right now.
There’s so much more that I want to write, so much more that I want to talk about, so much more that I thought on while lying in bed, waiting for my pills to carry me off into dreamland. That’s the irony—I don’t think about what I could have gotten done and how I wasted my day until it’s over, too late to do anything about it. When I wake up, that knowledge is safely tucked away in a corner of my brain, and won’t be brought to mind again until I’ve repeated those same mistakes again.

Thanks for listening.

[MrEdwardNigma]

TigerHunter, I'm not the best of advise givers, especially not around here, but one thing I can tell you is that college does change things, if you want it to change things. I'm in my first year of college now, and last year I barely had any social life at all. Sure, I had some friends, but I barely hung out with them outside school.
I went to the first day of college without knowing anybody on campus. Now I know more than thirty people well, and loads more less well. I've found that all it really takes to get this miraculous "social life" everyone's always talking about is just to go out there and do stuff. First day of college I hung out with a bunch of people I didn't know at all. I just walked over to them, said hi, and they were okay with me hanging with them for the rest of the day. That very evening there was a party organised by my fraternity, where I met loads of more people.
Believe me, TigerHunter, college changes plenty if you put in some effort. That doesn't mean I don't sometimes spend an entire day playing games on my PC though :smallbiggrin: Hey, if it's fun, why not do it? :smallsmile:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

@TigerHunter: It's quite common to question existence, especially when you're a teenager. One of the things I've noticed is that the transition from child to adult is viewed as "something wrong." Raging hormones and radical bodily changes are intupreted as mental illness, and too many people are quick to rush for a pill to fix things. While I am a strong advocate of medication to deal with mental illness, it seems that your greatest problem is circumstance.

Being a teen today is not like being a teen when I was younger. I was an outcast, even amongst the outcasts that were my friends. My idea of a fun video game was playing Space Invaders on my Atari. Thus, there's no Bor story to fit your circumstances. Not for that time period, anyway.

Today, I am a bonifide nothing. At age 40, I am un-employable, and have found out that I would be financially punished if I tried to get a job working from home. My day is spent posting here, playing video games, playing with my cat, and occasionally doing good deeds for strangers while I'm out taking care of things I need to get done. But my circumstances are dictated by 33 years of diabetes and its complications, as well as two rather serious mental illnesses. You're not in my shoes, nor am I in yours.

You are young, with a full life ahead of you. There are dozens of choices you can make every day. It's up to you to make the right ones. Instead of a day spent in front of the computer, spend a few hours working out. If the weather is good, get on your bike and ride a few miles a day. (I used to do 25 miles a day in my youth, simply because I could; it may well be why I haven't lost a limb to diabetes yet.) Find a good book to read and settle in for a subcoscious increase in vocabulary. Occupy your mind and body, and you should start feeling better about many things.

That being said, if you experience persistant symptoms, you should consult your doctor. Feelings of worthlessness, suicidal ideation, decrease/increase in appetite, extreme weight loss/gain, difficulty sleeping, inability to concentrate on anything...things of this sort could be signs of something serious. Bring them up with your doctor if my previous suggestions don't help.

Oddly, I was going to come here to gripe. I'm glad I found something better to do with my time. I hope something in my advice helps, Tiger. :smallsmile:

[TigerHunter]

Oddly, I was going to come here to gripe. I'm glad I found something better to do with my time. I hope something in my advice helps, Tiger. :smallsmile:
I hope it will, thank you.

I think I'm experiencing seasonal depression--during the summer, I would go out and just ride my bike for miles, like you suggested. Now though, I've no place to go and nothing to do.

Thanks for the help everyone. :smallwink:

[rubakhin]

Oh, Jesus. Ruslan went and killed himself late last night or early this morning. I don't know what to think anymore. I can't believe he did this. It feels wrong. I know that to him the sun rose and set on Akhmed (to him, to me, to all of us, really), but it wasn't the first time someone he loved had been killed. We come from a violent country.

I know that's it's not my fault - actually, I'm the only one who seems to think that way. Maybe they're right, I don't know. When Akhmed died there was a void in him that couldn't be filled, a solitude that couldn't be breached ... that's what upsets me the most about it, the solitude he must have undergone. I had no idea. It used to be I could all but read his mind, but I had no idea. I was the last one who saw him alive. He came over to visit me late that night. We didn't do anything special. Shared a joint and watched HBO. And then he went home and killed himself ... I just had no clue. Had he been planning it this way? Did he want to see me before he died? Why? Because we loved each other? Because he wanted me to feel even more guilty? Maybe he decided to die and then set it up that way just to screw with my head. He wouldn't come out and say it but I know he blamed me more than anyone.

I have no idea what to do. I have practically no one to talk to (I don't know what I would say if I did), everyone who knew the three of us blames me, and I'm going crazy being stuck here in a lousy American suburb while my life, my people, my work are all thousands of miles away. I don't know how to "let go of things", I have absolutely no idea how to "let it out," and I have nothing to do all day but sit here and let this rot. I feel paralyzed. I can't scream or cry or hit things. I just - seriously, what is the natural thing to do in this situation? I have no idea. The walls are closing in on me. I'm afraid I'm going to snap and, I don't know, stab somebody or claw my eyes out or I don't the hell know. It's not just the grief that's getting to me, but the schism between my current situation and everything else about me. What the hell am I doing here? This is not my country! This is not my life! I hate this place, I hate everyone in it, I do not understand the Americans or their world, and I need to go back to Grozny where I belong, where I was doing important work. Helping people. Or so I thought. Being here is so unreal. It's bringing me to the breaking point. I'm going to develop a split personality or something. How can I reconcile myself with the reality of this, of dissidents getting murdered and Lanka's suicide and all the rest of it when I'm here. Only a few hours ago I was chatting with Yale alumni in a Spanish restaurant, watching sports, a perfectly normal American, and for some reason it's just killing off the last remaining shreds of my sanity. I need the ****ing violence and the dirt and the ruins and the cold. I can't deal with being a whole universe away from all this. I can't just sit here powerlessly.

[smellie_hippie]

rubakhin: I'm so sorry. I know you've posted before about being stuck here, and not having the means or ability to return home.... but this loss on top of all that must be unbearable. I have no answers...... I'm so sorry. Please stay safe.

[Tomb_Raven]

after rhuba... anything i mapost seems stupid and self indulgant (self pity wise). I realy realy realy hope everything turns out ok and you are spared from any farther injustices. Sounds pretty bad what your going through. Please be safe.

Now to my self indulgant self pity...

same old long distance getting me down... and i feel like utter **** today...

i think i need hugs...

was with loads of friendly cool people... and being part of their group felt good... but then as soon as i realised how far away from the only true source of happiness in my life i was i felt... well sad... and alone...

i just feel the need to post... and politely request hugs...

i wish i had someone here to hug me :( ... someone to hold me close n say everything will work out and so...

~TR~

[TigerHunter]

Rubakhin--
I can't say anything you haven't heard before, but my heart goes out to you. Losing two of your friends and having your life uprooted is awful. I'm sorry.

Tomb Raven--
*hugs*

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

You're here in the States? Well, I can offer you very little, except possible a brief escape. It may be foolish of me, as you technically qualify as a stranger...but if you want to spend a week away from that which is the norm in your life, I invite you to take up space on my couch. Perhaps, together, we can clean up this nightmare that should be an apartment, but is actually a cave. It'll also offer you an ear to bend...one that will try not to be judgemental.

Keep in mind, I have no extra food, don't drive, and have no real extras. Thus, you'll have to bring something, specifically money, to help support you for that week. But the brief haven is here should you want it. You would also need the means to get to Phoenix, Arizona. While I think about whether it's a mistake to make the offer, you think about whether or not you'd like to make the trip.

[rubakhin]

Aw, Bor. You're supportive to the extent that I stop feeling comforted and start feeling bad that I can find fault in a world with you in it. It makes me feel a lot better that you offered, less alone (it really is the thought that counts) but I'll have to turn you down. Mostly because I really don't have the money for that and don't know where I'd get it. Also, in the short-time, I need to look after Ruslan's family and stay put in case something happens. I'm hoping for more news regarding Akhmed's death. I still don't have the whole story.

(Also, it wouldn't be a mistake, really. Ultimately, I'm just a gay European poet. :smalltongue: My demographic is not known for producing troublesome house-guests. I'd be following you around like "hey man I just want to apologize for imposing on you so horribly and taking up so much space, and you're such a good person, and I'm not worthy, and, and ... ")

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Aw, Bor. You're supportive to the extent that I stop feeling comforted and start feeling bad that I can find fault in a world with you in it. It makes me feel a lot better that you offered, less alone (it really is the thought that counts) but I'll have to turn you down. Mostly because I really don't have the money for that and don't know where I'd get it. Also, in the short-time, I need to look after Ruslan's family and stay put in case something happens. I'm hoping for more news regarding Akhmed's death. I still don't have the whole story.

(Also, it wouldn't be a mistake, really. Ultimately, I'm just a gay European poet. :smalltongue: My demographic is not known for producing troublesome house-guests. I'd be following you around like "hey man I just want to apologize for imposing on you so horribly and taking up so much space, and you're such a good person, and I'm not worthy, and, and ... ")
I didn't offer for you to move in, just visit. :smallwink:

After I made that post, I tried to figure out why I made the offer. I could understand the feeling, but was trying to put it into words. And it came to me: of all the people going through so much when they come to this thread, you seem to be the one in greatest need of a hug. Not an internet hug, but a real one. You'd likely get one the moment you stepped off the plane/bus. Then, for the remainder of your visit, you would have a proverbial shoulder to lean on. It's one thing to offer offer advice and be available online to be an understanding ear. It's another to actually be there.

(And a gay European poet...? I can almost hear it now, as you first enter my apartment. "Hey, man...I just want to apologize for imposing on you so horribly and...OH MY G-D! This place is a disaster! We have to get cleaning and redecorating! You want me to sleep on that couch?!? It matches nothing! Where do you keep your cleaning supplies? And...are these blinds supposed to be white? Ugh! You live more like a barbarian than a monk!" :smalltongue: )

Anyway, the offer is there, should you ever need it and find the means to make it a reality. In the interum, Be well! :smallsmile:

[Aereshaa_the_2nd]

@ Rubakhin:
Your story is so far beyond my experience in every way, that I cannot think of what I would do, in your position. Probably go insane. Insaner. Wow. Well, keep us posted, cause we're kinda worried about you.

[Serpentine]

Hey Bor, I can't say I was expecting Rubakhin to take you up on your offer, but I was hoping. It really seems like you both need a lot of help, and you both need to help someone else. I dunno, I kinda think it would've been good for the both of you...
*sigh* Oh well. Se la vie, or however you spell it.

[rubakhin]

Pfft. Redecorate? I have nothing in my room other than a few pieces of miss-matched furniture (gigantic steel table, bar stool, mattress, old WW2 footlocker). And I like it that way. I didn't get the decorative sense thing. And I hope I don't come off as that shrill, my God.

(Also, c'est la vie. Is French.)

Things have been getting amazingly, spectacularly, epically worse. I had no idea things could get this bad. I'm setting world records here. How could all of this be happening at once?


You can imagine that right now, my sanity is a wet Kleenex. The slightest bit of pressure will cause it to tear through.

So. My boyfriend Sasha, in his infinite wisdom, decided that tonight would be the perfect time to tell me that he's been seeing some broad behind my back. To recap, this is the same boyfriend who I've loved for over a year, who I'm engaged to, and who, if I may be mercenary for a moment, was my last chance at ever getting back to Russia.

And may I mention parenthetically the nasty issues with trust and women and whatever that comes from that childhood sexual abuse business. Thank you for retroactively validating every distrusting, hateful thought I've ever had about you, Sashka. I was getting better because I trusted you. You weak mother****er.

I took it very well. I was calm for exactly forty-five seconds, and then I blacked out and woke up four hours later staring at myself in the mirror of the men's room in an office building three cities away. My eyes were dilated to the size of dinner plates. How I got in there, I don't know. I've been sitting here playing Blue's Clues with the stuff in my pockets, trying to figure out what I got up to during that time. When I left: nothing and change. When I came to: empty box of matches, a full can of Coke, no change, and, for some reason, an unopened packet of cigars. Odd. I don't even smoke cigars. (I have since had one. It was pretty good.)

Also, hilariously, a note reading, "Your name is Sevastian Rubakhin. Don't forget." (Somewhat misleading, as this is only my pen name. Trop de noms pour avoir un nom.)

Having broken my brain, I feel a little better for some reason. I can't believe he ****ing did that. Forget the whole "oh I'll never cheat on you Sevastian I love you forever" thing for a minute. I'm surprised how little I care about the girl, especially since I used to be the homicidally jealous type - sure, it bothers me, but ... I don't know. Maybe I don't love him anymore. Or I really can't care about anything right now. But why now? Nobody could handle all this stress. And he pulls this out right when I needed the son of a gun more than ever? He's been seeing her for months now. He couldn't have waited a couple weeks? Christ, he's so self-centered. I've been ranting to him about everything that's been going on practically every night in letters, and I don't think he's said "I'm sorry" or "it's not your fault" even once, when I need his support. Just replies with news about whatever's going on with him. He's sick and bored and his father's yelling at him. Yeah, I wish I had your problems, pal. More money than you know what to do with, a Yale degree, friends, parents who care about you, a girlfriend who loves you, not having to live here. He has all the freedom I will never have.

But at the same time I don't want to leave him. How messed up is that? Because I don't have anybody else. I guess we're still together, I don't know. People tend to fall in love with me to the point of obsession. He says he's been trying everything he can to forget about me, but in the end he wants me, not her. He doesn't care about her. Although he told me she's in love with him, he's just using her because he's lonely. ****, can I really blame him? His mom Marina thinks I'm a bad person (she's right) and told him to stop seeing me, so we haven't laid eyes on one another in months. Apparently the mystery bitch is A-OK with her. **** you, Marishka. Why does it hurt so much that Sasha's new bitch has her approval, whereas she thinks I'm the villain here? Man, I have serious mommy issues.

Everyone's been turning on me since Akhmed died (Akhmedka, forgive me ...) , and I don't really have friends here anymore. I need somebody. And some part of me keeps thinking that he's going to get a job and take me back home like he's been promising. I just can't keep living unless I have a future. If I got rid of that one scrap of hope for escape, I know I'd kill myself. I don't care if that means whoring myself out to a ****ed-up bastard like him, I need to know that there's some way to get out. I'm too poor, too uneducated, too economically useless to ever leave by my own means. Heck, I can't even drive. The only thing that distinguishes me from the rest of the NEETs is that I can write, and nobody on the planet can make a living writing, not in 21st century America. I just have no idea how to deal with all this at once. Murder, suicide, being stuck in a foreign country that I hate, my ****ing fiance, no exit - this is just - it's amazing. This is like six soap opera arcs at once. Psh, you know what bothers me the most about all this? It's poorly plotted. It is ****ing poorly plotted, and that is actually bothering me! Hah!

I have no idea what I'm going to do. I am supremely indifferent. My brain is fried. I could get gang raped right now and not even blink. I wrote him back and all I could think of to say about this girlfriend business was, "Hey, **** you. I guess that's about it." I, uh ... I guess it's good, I don't know. Only I'm afraid I'm gonna come down, and everything that's been happening to me is going to sink in, and I'll snap. Again. I'm scared I'm gonna wake up in a prison cell or a straight jacket or God knows. Gospodi pomilui. I know none of this is going to get better ... it's either going to get worse or stagnate. I can't take any of this **** anymore, but I don't have the means to make anything change.

A friend of mine wants me to go stay with her and her girlfriend in Mexico City for a few months, but I'm reluctant to go, even though I know I ought to. Mexico City would be the perfect place for me right now as I'm going through this Burroughs phase, and my friend loves me to death and it'll be nice being around people who love me. Only, I keep thinking I'll hear something new about Akhmed, and even if I do get out for a few months, what'll happen once I get back? I keep thinking what if I go back and it'll be worse, having had a taste of freedom ... Plus, I still don't want to be too far away from Sasha. I just keep thinking he'll show up at my door ... This is so messed up.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Rubakhin, I'm going to gripe a moment, and then move on to advice. I can fully understand that you're upset, but I firmly believe you're smarter than using descriptors that the profanity filter translates to ******. Think through the mess and try to avoid that which the mods would flag.

I don't give relationship advice, as I believe I'm single due to the fact that, even though I'm praised as being a super-nice guy, I'm just not good at that kind of thing.

It should please you to know that I'm not in love with you to the point of obsession. In my role as Captain Heterosexual, I can safely say that will never happen. I can say, however, that your circumstances worry me. I feel like I'm watching myself almost eight years ago, slowly coming undone physically and mentally, and no one being there for me. When my one-legged ex hopped out of my life, it was as though the entire world wanted nothing to do with me; they'd only been my friends because of her. I will never say I know how you feel, but I have my own personal sense of what it's like to start coming apart at the seams.

At one point, however, I had the smarts to recognize that I needed help. I've told this tale before, but keep it in mind should you wish to do something similar to get help.

I sat down and wrote a four paged note as to why my life should end. It was filled with what I consider the typical rantings of someone in a severely depressed state. "Not only am I worthless, but the following people deserve to suffer through the pain of my demise." That kind of thing. Then I packed a bag and walked two miles to the nearest hospital. I handed over the note to someone at the emergency room, and they took it from there. I received much-needed help, despite the fact that I had no money and no medical insurance. The one good thing I can say about healthcare in America is that you cannot be denied care due to a lack of insurance and/or an inability to pay.

There is a stigma attached to being labelled "mentally ill." I know because I've experienced it. I ignore it, primarily because I know the difference between being a lunatic and being genuinely ill.

If you feel that you are reaching a point where you are a danger to yourself or others, I implore you to go and get help before you do something foolish to yourself or someone else. I won't even pretend to have an idea of how you feel, as you are going through so many serious traumas in a very short period of time. The most I can do is keep the offer to crash on my couch for a week. The least I can do is remind you that we on the Playground care, and will likely do what we can to see you through these hard times.

Please continue to keep us posted on the comings and goings in your life, and do your very best to be well.

[Thes Hunter]

Rubakhin, I am sorry you have to go through all of this, especially all at once.

And, It is not your fault.


*Hugs and comfort*

[sktarq]

Sigh-This isn't going away easy. It's nothing to hold a candle to Chechen poets with friends dying off type problem but hopefully mouthing off here will let me heal a little faster.

Right. Logic.
Background: At the begining of September I moved into a new apartment. Because of the housing market around here, in which prices are amazingly high and reasonably priced places last minutes or hours, I never actually got a chance to meet all my roomamtes before I moved in. Yes roomamtes. The apartment has five bedrooms and when I moved in there were two couples and two bachlors (the two bachlors happened to be roomates) So I became the seventh person living there. I knew one of the couples well (which is how I got invited to the place) and the other couple reasonablely well (call them B (female) and E (male) say)-the bachlors not at all. Within a month the two bachlors each picked up a roommate-one brought another guy from work to split rent with (We shall call them "U" and the new guy "L") and the other who I shall call "T" picked up his girlfriend who shall thusforth be known as "R". Overall having 9 people there wasn't too bad-we had radically different scheduels and didn't see each other that much-didn't have to fight for the bathrooms or anything. The place is set up with a smallish livingroom and kitchen areas by the front door and a long hallway with the five bedrooms and 2 baths coming off it. Now T and R quickly became problematic, especially T. We figured he broke over 60% of everything that needed fixing or replacement in the entire place-with nine people that takes something. He cleaned nothing. They managed to set off the fire alarm twice in two months via carlessness-such as leaving blankets on candles and then not turning off the smoke alarm once the rest of us had done so for our own and the fire was out-even appologizing for waking us up at 3 am would have been nice. T and R loved to fight apparently-especially at 1-4 am with voiced raised and using anthing at hand-including roomates doors-as intruments to bang on in their veheamence. His language was to say vile is an understatement-he no longer used adjectives, verbs, and adverbs but instead profanities, obsenities, and vulgarities. We counted once and figured out such words consisted of over 20% of his speach. Finally he was a drunk-often his first words coming into the house were "Gimme Booze!" often with various words that wouldn't pass the censor thrown in. He seemed to think any booze in the house should automatically be shared with him. The last part put significant tension as I buy top shelf booze and have perhaps one every few nights to savor the taste and not very fond of his drink-to-get-drunk liquor choices. He also tends to kick and throw anything that gets in his "way" when he is drunk-which includes bottles, walls, trashcans, art, food, his girlfriend R, the skateboards that are the major form of transport of four of th residents etc. He was totally disrespectful of anyone elses things -putting booze in the fishtank we were careing for while someone is away on a semester abroad type disrespectful. We were thinking of giving him 30 days notice when he told us he was moving out at the end of November-we found a friend of mine to take the room the same day (call her "O"). Which brings us to the events of last week.
I took a friend recently back from a trip to thailand out for a pizza and then we both deced that a long evening of talking was called for-so we went back to my apartment. Now B, bless her soul, was apparently just finnishing mopping the floor of the common areas when people started showing up to socialize. Nothing planned but our place is somewhat of a hub so no big deal. But the mop and bucket were stashed to one side in hopes that she could do the last little corner in a few mintues. My friend and I retired to my room to continue our conversation. More people started showing up so we went outside to be polite and social. R got a phone call saying that T had just hit a taxi-yes with his car, presumablely drunk. Well he comes back and truth be known he may well have been sober-but if he was it didn't last more than five minutes. Frankly I wasn't having much fun so I went back to my room-shortly afterward I heared a loud banging through my wall to the living room. When I came back out I found the living room covered in dirty water- T had apparently tripped over the bucket of dirty mop water and decided to play soccer with the bucket for it's audacity to stay in one place by a wall. Broke the bucket. Disgusted I went back towards B and E's room-someone was just finnishing throwing up in the bathroom next to my room at the time. B and E complained that the guest couldn't even keep their vomit in the toilet and were basically hiding waiting for the whole thing to blow over and as a way not to blow up at T, R, U (who was adding fuel to the flames verbally and by adding more booze) or the various guests many of whom were their own friends. A few people started to head home around 11:30 and I went outside to wish the friend I had pizza with a good night. R was sitting on the couch at the time and decided to get off the couch. So drunk that she couldn't use her legs right she slipped on the still wet floor (which my friend and B had at one point tried to mop up but quit in frustration at people smearing it around on purpose) and split an inch (3 cm) gash on the side of her head. She didn't even notice it and my friend and I had to hold napkins to her head and restain her to put neosporin on the wound which was pulling apart due to its location. At which point I finnally wandered off to bed- around 12:00 asleep by 12:20. In the meantime I noticed that the bathroom was a little offputting was only missed barely and there was vomit on the side of the toilet-and that guest was supposed to be staying the night and would clean it in the morning. When I stepped out of my room in the morning (around 5:40) my first thought was that someone had a misscaraige in the hall. I was later able to put together the following. T had gotton more drunk and thrown up in the same bathroom as before-getting it everywhere-on toothbrushes, towels, countertops, walls etc. He and R went to the other bathroom to shower and clean up-in the midst of sex in the shower he somehow cut his foot rather badly. He then proceded to walk around the apartment leaking blood everywhere. Puddles of it congealing on the floor. He repeated refused medical help say it would stop bleeding when it chose to. B tried fruriously to mop up the blood and after two HOURS of doing so in the living room and kitchen saw him wander off to his and R's room. R aparently thought this was rather hilarious and did nothing to help-before passing out twenty minutes after the bleeding started. B was relived of having to clean up the hall and other bathroom but the person only smeared it around a bit. For the first time in years I was not camping but didn't have a shower or brush my teeth that morning. T nor R cleaned anything after they woke up that day. He was still bleeding and placed a cup of his own blood on the counter when he walked into work later the next day. We (B, E, Myself, and another roomate who wasn't there that night) cleaned the placed and waited for him to leave. Now the plan was for me to move out of the samll room and into his larger room (with the same rent) and for O to move into mine. Because of the amount of damage to the room (broke down his door when locked himself out type) and the amount of blood on the carpet I can't move yet.
Now why does the above belong in the depression thread? My reaction. Normally one of the things I like about myself is my ability to see the good in people and connect to anybody on a basic human to human level. I can't connect to T this way at all, R is hard and U seems to have picked and T's bad habits and is difficult too. I don't like that wierd cold feeling I get when I think of T and can't recognize him as a fellow being on this planet. I sorta figured it would go away after he moved out and that it was a temporary thing because of the nature of that evening. But it is fadeing little if at all yet-he moved out on the first. Frankly realizing I am capable of this hurts. I know murderers who did their time and don't feel this way towards them. I'm not even angry with the guy-not anymore. I wish I was angry with him because that would make some sort of sense. As it is I find it hard even to like myself at this time. I having felt this way about anyone in years-since before I grew up as an adult really. (both T and I are 26).
Well that was a vent-hope it works...off to take apart the massive peices of steel he left in the blood soaked room.


And Rubakin: For what their worth "hugs" take care of yourself...I'd really try Mexico City-leave notice where you'll be and how to get in contact with you for news to make it's way to you. You need a break and fresh start methinks.

And a cookie to whoever sees the roomate anagram.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Not replying to anyone at the moment. My mind is a little on edge.

My neighbor, Cookie, had some major surgery to correct circulation issues in her legs. They only did the right leg, and will work on the left after she's healed up. Well, she came home today, and I was there to make sure she got settled in. I may be hobbling about with this monstrous pastic/velcro/steel boost to protect my toe, but I'm infintely more mobile than she is.

Anyway, after I'd done what needed to be done, I sat on her couch and we chatted for a while. And I discovered events that I was completely unaware of.

On 11/26, I went to the foot doctor. I left around 1 PM. I got home around 5 PM. Apparently, shortly after I left, there was a great deal of activity in one of the apartments above me.

Terry was about a decade older than me. Nice guy. He had numerous physical and mental issues. We were friendly enough to say hello in passing, and I'd sat with him a few times to discuss his medical issues. He would complain about this problem or that problem, and I would suggest that he get these things check out immediately. The symptoms could be nothing at all, or something quite serious. It was not uncommon to go some time without seeing him, but when I did, I would remind him that he really should get to a doctor.

Well, while I was off having new x-rays taken of my foot (which is healing, but VERY slowly), I found out Terry was being carried off by the county coroner. Whatever had been plaguing him had finally caught up to him.

Please understand that I didn't consider Terry a friend. I will say that we were friendly. I'm a bit sad that he's gone. I'm a bit angry he never did anything to address his illnesses. And I'm a bit upset that a relatively nice guy didn't allow for common sense to rule the day.

I mean, the advice was simple: go to a doctor. I give similar advice right here all the time. He had a problem. I could see the problem. I gave the best and simplest advice I could. What more was there to do? Did he expect me to carry him to a doctor, specifically when I have issues walking to the market five minutes away by foot? Maybe that's just my anger at the situation. Maybe I should have offered to at least go to the doctor with him, just so he'd have someone to comfort him?

I don't know...and it's too late to find out.

May your soul be well, Terry.

[Thes Hunter]

sktarq, you seem to care a lot for people. This is a very noble thing.

However, that care takes energy.

I think you may have over extended yourself, and this is where some of your feelings are coming from.

Sometimes you have to turn your back on some people. Otherwise they will suck all your care from you. It's healthier this way, and allows you to spend that time energy and care on others who will appreciate it.

*hugs*

[DarkLightDragon]

@Thes: That is some good advice, and could explain why I dislike sharing my stuff with anyone...

@Rubakhin: Keep remembering that this stuff is not your fault. I think you're right when you say you know you should go to your friends, even if you're reluctant. You need help, and only you can let everyone know that you do. And if something does happen, it will be good to have that support.

[Premsyl]

Don't want to derail anything. What follows is an unorganized list of facts, thoughts, and feelings. I'm a 21 year old man who spent most of the last year of my life fighting head and neck cancer. It's changed me...

In May of this year I was diagnosed as having nasopharyngeal cancer (tumor in the far back of my nose, on my lymph nodes) I was sentenced (lol) to six weeks of radiation (2 a day, 5 days a week) and chemotherapy once a week. When I started I weighted 225lbs, not a healthy weight, but I was comfortable and my girlfriend thought I was good looking, what else can one ask for? Over the course of the treatment I lost all sense of taste, and eating became extremely painful and difficult. I didn't want them to stick a feeding tube through my gut, so I persevered, tried to keep my weight up, and managed until the end of my treatment.

During the treatment I lost my beard, the hair on the back of my head, my sense of taste. I developed burns on my neck, and my mouth and throat were constantly in pain. Months after my treatment ended I had to go back for major neck surgery, have my lymph nodes taken out (just in case). After the treatment I was nauseous for days on end, and didn't eat for what felt like weeks. I discovered that even though my taste returned, I still couldn't eat normally (due to saliva deficiency) I started in June weighing 225, it's December and I weigh 130lbs. Pure atrophy and decay, brought about by despaired starvation and uncontrollable vomitting.

The thing that's depressing is how much my life has changed. Eating is a chore, food is no fun, I never know what I want to eat. I turned 21 a month after my treatment ended, and couldn't celebrate it with a drink, or a good dinner. I'm still mainly sober at all social events, which isn't the way I imagined my 21st year. I used to be stocky and strong. Now I can't even stand in one spot without getting tired. My surgery resulted in nerve damage to my shoulder, restricting the movements of my right arm. I'm so skinny and boney.

What's worse is I went into this entire thing with NO INSURANCE. I was lucky enough to get on some charity plans, but the fact is that my parents, God bless them, still owe my doctors upwards of $15,000. I can't work. So I'm stuck bumming money from them, and they're already broke.

I live in my freaking bedroom, doing nothing. I feel like a ghost. I'm so weak, it's pitiful. I want to work again, or go to school. I was working at a restaurant for 3 years before this and had a pretty good thing going. I don't even think I'm physically capable of the work I was doing anymore.

I'm so freaking angry. How could I win the damned lottery like that? I'm Mister 1 in 100. One of the rarest forms of cancer in this freaking hemisphere. I'M 21 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!! I feel like my life was taken, and rendered into a thousand pieces while I watched. I was going places, I had potential and ambition. I could drink a freaking coke without choking on it. I loved to eat. I loved to cook. Have you ever tried to cook something, knowing how that you won't enjoy it? My family had money. I didn't have a massive scar decorating my neck. Both sides of my face grew hair at the same rate (not anymore), when I think about it I feel the rage threatening to overcome this frail shell and explode out. For weeks I have been trying to stop losing weight but I just can't. My life has changed so so so much. My doctor tells me that I may NEVER fully recover from the treatment. What a damned thing to lay on a guy in the first quarter of his life. I've been robbed.

I can hardly even remember what it was like anymore.

My experiences can't compare with some. Those people who had it worse then me. Those who didn't beat it like I did. Those people are my freaking HEROES. I want to shout to the world "Don't take it for granted."

I mean, the fact is that I have been blessed. I've got a huge family backing me up. I had the best medical care in the region. I completely beat the disease. I have a girlfriend who was there every single step of the way, and is still here, though I feel like I'm holding her back now. It makes me feel even crappier that I'm slighting such luck with such bad feelings. I feel like I'm trapped in this endless cycle of loathing and insight.

I could probably keep going. Every day I feel worse. I've never been this depressed before. If you know me then you know that I was the optimist, the happy guy, the jester. No more. I've got to get out of this room. I've got to get out of my own head.

I don't know what else to say after typing all that. Don't take your health for granted.

[Gitman00]

@Premsyl

That is quite the story, all right. Don't worry about derailing anything. We're all here to help.

First of all, let me tell you that I know cancer is TOUGH. I've watched my grandmother lose a five-year battle with it, I've watched a girl I was in love with die from it at age 17, and I've watched my mother win her two-year battle, from which she's still recovering after 3 years of remission. It's not for the faint of heart. The fact that you're still around tells me you have courage.

On a somewhat unrelated note, that last paragraph in your spoiler reminds me of Office Space.

:Peter: Ever since I started working at Initech every day's been a little worse than the day before, so that means that whatever day you see me... that's the worst day of my life.

:Hypnotist: So... is today the worst day of your life, Peter?

:Peter: Yeah.

:Hypnotist: Wow, that's messed up.

Okay, my ADD has been satisfied. On to the advice.

First, don't give up. You had the courage to persevere through the treatment, so I know you have the courage to make it through this. It will get better.

Second, don't focus on the past. What life was like a year ago no longer matters. I'm not being flippant. I know how hard this is, because you still have the memories. You used to be healthy, you used to enjoy food (that would be the hardest for me, I think), you used to be strong and vital, and you still remember how it was. That's what makes it so hard. It's far too easy to say, "It's over. Deal with it." So, I'm not going to do that. It will take time, and I know this. But I will say that dwelling on the way things used to be is never healthy, and it will, in the long run, make you bitter and unhappy. Instead, focus on what you can do right now.

Third, don't compare yourself to others. I think this is good advice for anyone. There will always be someone who has it better than you. Wishing it were otherwise is futile. All you have control over is you. You say you want to go back to school. Why can't you? If you can't actually go anywhere, take online classes. You can't do everything you used to, so do what you can. And as you go on, you may find out you can do more than you thought.

Sit down and start brainstorming. Come up with a list of things you want to accomplish. Don't think about whether you're actually capable of doing them, because that stifles the creative process. When something pops into your head, write it down. Spend fifteen minutes doing this. After you're done, then start going through the list and figure out what it will take to accomplish what you want to. Pick a goal, and do it!

Finally, know that you have people praying for you! It's a great blessing that you have a support network, so take advantage of it. You don't have to deal with this on your own. We at GiantITP are here for you, but we're still an online forum, and that can't compare with a real family and a girlfriend that love and support you. Have you thought about looking for a cancer survivors' support group that you can meet with?

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, don't give up! You can make it through!

[Mountain_Faerie]

Premsyl,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I know your life has spiraled out of control and you need a positive change. I agree with Gitman about the list of things you want to accomplish. Once you set goals, you can move forward.

I also understand how you feel trapped in your room and dependent on your parents. If yours are like mine, they try so hard to keep you safe that they sometimes squelch your ability to breathe.

Here is my suggestion (effective immediately):

1. Go outside

2. No really, go outside. You are in Florida, so soak up a little sun (even if you have to wear a jacket). It may wear you out, it will be worth it in the long run if you do it every day. Any excuse will do - checking the mail, taking the dog out, reading a book, getting some air. It will clear your head.

3. Make 2 wish lists:

Wish list #1. I wish this never happened to me and why. Get it all off your chest. Pitch a complete fit on paper. If it takes a whole notebook, so be it.
When you are done with it, destroy it. That part of your life needs to be over.

Wish list #2. Where I want to go from here. ALL your wishes and dreams for the future. You need something to look forward to, so give yourself a break and dream a little.

I know you are upset, and I have never been in your shoes, but I lived with my mom and dad when my mom had a hysterectomy and breast cancer. My kids and I took care of her while my dad was at work. She spiraled into a major depression and wouldn't leave her room for weeks. Plus she felt like crap. It took a long time to get her past the loss of her life before and the loss of her "womanhood". Once she started leaving her room and spending time with the family, she started to perk up. Then she started "cooking". Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the grandkids was her first dish. They were so excited to have her up and moving. I think that was the best sandwich they ever had.

Her recovery was a long process of baby steps, but it worked. She has been cancer free for almost 6 years. She and my dad travel, entertain and enjoy life. If you didn't know her when she was sick, you'd never guess she had cancer.

I know you can pull past this.

[Trog]

*Flops on floor*

Mah. I have too much to do and no time to do it in. I have too little cash and too much to pay for. Too much stress. I just want to hide under a rock until it all goes away.

[eidreff]

*Prods flopped troglodyte*

Rocks don't help. It's just denial. Do as much as you can with the time and resources you've got. In the end if you have maximised these then you may be exhausted but you can be rightfully proud.

*Offers tobacco and coffee*

Take a few mintues out, chill and prioritise. (Try to get the worst bits out of the way first) That way you'll get more done.

[Dallas-Dakota]

*Flops on floor*

Mah. I have too much to do and no time to do it in. [I have too little cash and too much to pay for. Too much stress. I just want to hide under a rock until it all goes away.

Thats around my situation.
And I dont even know where I want to go......

I'l probably post a more detailed post later...

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

@ Premsyl: I am familiar with some of what you feel, although I confess that my bodily destruction is on my own design. I abused my diabetes in my youth, never knowing the suffering I'd experience in the future. That feeling of being robbed...of being a ghost...I can empathize.

Yes, my children...It's Bor story time. As a small fact before I get started, I was diagnosed with diabetes at age seven.

During my teens, when I wasn't in school or being hospitalized, I would ride my bicycle for miles and miles. I could crank out 25 miles in a day. (Find a map of Long Island, in NY, and plot a course from the norther end of Wantagh to Long Island Jewish Hospital; I could go there and back by bicycle in a day.)

Our family owned an auto parts business in Brooklyn. I worked there in my mid-twenties with the intent of taking over. My father was a wise man. It was not a case of the boss's son coming in and playing king of the mountain. He started me cleaning up and keeping stock, working me up through tasks until I was legally made an officer of the company. The job required a lot of climbing tall stock shelves while carrying car parts that were far from light. I even spent a week during the summer organizing the second floor of the building, which stored exhaust systems as paperwork dating back before my birth! (I was impressed that the day of my birth kept the store closed that Sunday...until I learned the store was always closed on Sundays back then.)*

I was fit! I mean, after an entire day of working at our family business, I would come home and workout. I could do 20 regular pushups and 20 diamond pushups with my legs elevated without breaking a sweat! With my broad shoulders and bulging pecs, one girl decidedly described me as a triangle on a stick.

That was then.

Today, unless I make a conscious effort, my shoulders sag. Muscles have atrophied because of diabetic neuropathy. Spots drift in and out of my vision thanks to diabetic retinopathy. I'm 40 years old and can't keep a job. And I often wonder where my life went.

And yet, despite these major setbacks, I'm still trying to make things better. Part of my effort is here, trying to bring some advice to those in need, or add a smile where I can. On the outside world, I hold doors for people ever more handicapped than I, thank those who help me, and do whatever good deeds I can. My good deeds do more than make others feel good; they make me feel good. They give me an endorphin boost that lifts my spirits.

Thus, my advice. Find something - ANYTHING - that makes you feel good. Then take the resulting energy and put it to use while you can. It doesn't last long, but may last long enough for you to accomplish bigger deeds than what you can do at this time. With luck, the time frame in which you can act will increase.

Also, it is basically a fact that almost everyone who suffers from serious illness also suffers from clinical depression. If you are not addressing this with medications now, then I highly recommend you do so. This is not a recommendation to seek happiness in a bottle. Meds are a tool that helps reduce the depression so you can accomplish more.

One step at a time. Bit by bit. It may take years, but I'd like to imagine that you can rebuild yourself and your life. There is nothing wrong with trying, for the effort itself my be at least mentally rewarding.

Oh...@ Trog: anyone who can regularly smoke Coffin Nail cigarettes and live to tell the tale can overcome things mere mortals cannot. I have faith in you. :smallwink:

* As fate would have it, my father terminated my employment. He was losing business because I didn't fit in with the neighborhood. I was, as he put it, too smart for my own good. I was using a vocabulary the locals couldn't connect with. They saw me as an arrogant snob, and didn't want to do business with me. Try as I might, I couldn't "dumb it down," and my father sent me packing. How's that for a vote of confidence?

[Tomb_Raven]

im this close to snapping...

suddenly find out a party i was trying to avoid was at the flat next to mines... and after a day of depression and angst and the rest of it... the real works... the last thing i wanted was a crowd of people...

so i left early...

but what nearly cracked me was this...

my wine! my glorios shiraz... australian... gone! had to give it away... now im stupidly sober and depressed

off to peckams... thank god for it... might still be open when i get there

pray for me

~TR~

EDIT: Hahahaha have wine :D i can drink n get drunk and wake up hung over and realise what an idiot ive been for being this depressed... the world is a slightly better place again

[Pwenet]

I just read a IM log from my wife where she talked about kissing a co-worker, referring to me in language I can't post on the forums, how "no ones cares about taking my money" and giving said money to a co-worker, with signs that they like each other a lot and if I was out of the way things would be better.

Plus she has been going out late at least once a week and staying over without even inviting me over.

[Trog]

I just read a IM log from my wife where she talked about kissing a co-worker, referring to me in language I can't post on the forums, how "no ones cares about taking my money" and giving said money to a co-worker, with signs that they like each other a lot and if I was out of the way things would be better.

Plus she has been going out late at least once a week and staying over without even inviting me over.
Duuuuuuuuuuude. :smalleek: *pops open many beers. Slides in front of* :smallfrown:

[EmeraldRose]

*hugs Pwenet again*

Just keep in mind that you can always come and talk to us.

:smallfrown:

[Pwenet]

Duuuuuuuuuuude. :smalleek: *pops open many beers. Slides in front of* :smallfrown:

Nights like this makes me wish I did drink.

Thanks for the thought though.

[rubakhin]

Dang. You don't drink, huh? Do you at least smoke? *offers Black and Mild*

I'm sort of in a similar situation myself, as I've bitched about upthread somewhere.

[Pwenet]

Dang. You don't drink, huh? Do you at least smoke? *offers Black and Mild*

I'm sort of in a similar situation myself, as I've bitched about upthread somewhere.

Nope - I live a clean living. Don't smoke, don't drink (except caffeine), work out regularly.

Time for story-time.

A long time ago (three years or so) a boy met a girl while boy was at college. They hit it off. After a while they got engaged. Minor issues arose but they thought they would be resolved.

Boy made a stupid mistake one time, confessed and was forgiven by the girl. They got married, and the minor issues stayed around. They had trouble finding steady work, boy wanted to move back to his hometown to "start over" by staying at the parents until a good job could be found, girl wanted to move to the depressed area where she was from.

Lots of fights over things. They were 1 step away from divorcing but decided to give the marriage another try. They moved to the boys hometown. Boy landed a really good job that took a while for background checks before he could start. Girl eventually found a job. Girl lied about boy start date and living situation to her friends. Girl lied about debts she had.

Girl then started being more demanding and insulting, would stay up all hours to talk to friends online and rarely spend time with boy. Boy tried his best to keep things going, but again the word divorce was talked about.

Boy had suspicions when the girl/wife would stay out very late without inviting boy to parties. Girl was doing strange things at times, and was being secretive. Boy was getting suspicious, but girl kept saying he was worrying about nothing.

Girl left this weekend for a overnight party at friends in town. Boy suspicious and noticed things. Boy went to girl computer and looked at aim logs. Boy saw chats with a girl co-worker saying how she was giving him money, kissed him, how the two had feelings for each other, how she would not feel bad cheating on boy, and how the boy was (insert terms not allowed by the forums).

Boy read this. Boy angry. Boy breathed in deeply and showed parents. Boy and parents agreed that there was no way what was chatted about VERY RECENTLY (as in yesterday) was a joke, and even if it was, boy was not amused.

Boy left VM with girl phone. Girl called back later, saying "We didn't do anything, we didn't do anything" and once she found out how boy found out, silence was the answer and then she pulled out the one subject she always did, the mistake boy made and has been trying to work past years and years ago.

Boy told her it was over. Boy and parents and sister (who overhead girl/wife talking on cell about going on a date) emptied boy/girl room of all of girls junk, leaving it for her to pick up downstairs. Boy talked to folks and others who noticed strange things that individual meant little, but together paint a picture of manipulation and greed.

Boy sits here feeling better now that he typed all this out, getting it out of his system, and feeling more confident in his decision to start anew. Boy is sad though, and is not sure when he will feel normal again.

Disclaimer: I am only feeling numb at the moment, but I have a loving family who is here for me and has helped out a lot. Given time I think things will be better in the long run.

[Korias]

God, I dont even know what to do at this point. The stress has just been piling up from this point, and I dont know what to do. This is just a rant, to get it off my chest. I'll spoiler it for you, so it doesnt take up the entire page.


Its pretty suimple, but really devastating. My brother and mom are constantly fighting, with me in the center trying to act as the mediator. And every time, the screaming and yelling gets louder.

This doesnt do well for my school work either. If I'm not here, fufilling my obligations, I'm doing schoolwork or mediating. And when teachers dont communicate and pile a good 20LBS of homework on you, you start to doubt yourself and get everything done so you can get some sleep. So far, I've nearly failed two classes- Latin II and Geometry. Im currently k eeping this at bay from my mother so she doesnt send me off to turtoring by consoling the teachers into thinking that I'm going to the study groups. Meanwhile, I have to help remodel the house instead.

So, Grades are dropping, family is seemingly no longer a family, and I cant even get anything done without screwing up. Its a constant day through hell on this end, and If I tell anybody around me, they'll ship me off to the counselor that never listens.

And while I'm here, its no walk in the park either. narrarting a game is MUCH harder than I thought, even with one game's experience. So far, I've alread made MULTIPLE mistakes in roles, PMs, and abilities, because it just piles up. Even with Vespe from TARDIS I, It was still hard. I'm seriously scared that I wont be able to live up to these people's standards.

I'm just crashing and burning here. When I cool off, there's always something for me to do and I have to do it or else it sparks a chain reaction of yelling again. Its like I'm trying to keep two high-powered same polarity magnets stuck together with unchewed gum. Its nigh impossible.

Seriously: I dont know what to do anymore. At least its off my chest though. Thats a good thing, I suppose.

[Raiser Blade]

Time for story-time.


:smallfrown:

I don't really know what to say except that I hope things get better for you in the future.

[DarkLightDragon]

I don't have anything to say to Korias and Pwnet, except get help if you need it, but I hope this e-hug will help.

*gives e-hug to Korias and Pwnet*

[banjo1985]

Time for story-time.


Damnit Pwenet, that's rough.

I don't think there's anything much to say really, except that if this was going on it's better you found out now rather than later. Based on your post I definitely think you made the right decision, and I really do think things will be better now in the long run.

If you feel like you need anyone to shout at incoherently, talk things through, or even just talk about everyday things, you have my MSN :smallsmile:

[CurlyKitGirl]

Now for amateur advice time:

Pwenet: I'm sorry. If I knew yesterday I'd've tried to hep then. But now I'll give it a go anyway. It's going to be hard; from the sounds of it she's been unfaithful for a long time and she never really forgave you for whatever mistake it was. I can guess though. Thi is mostly all her fault so you can't feel bad about it. Never feel bad about it.
You feel numb now; understandable. It will be a shock when you finalise everything because you've spent a lot of time together and believed you could solve the minor problems you speak of. You may always feel as if it would have been better if you'd stayed together but you picked up the hints. This shows that subconciously you knew something had changed about her.
She was unfaithful, she admitted through silence that she believed and did evrything you read. She may even feel guilty but you cannot let yourelf pity her in this way. It is all her fault.
I'm more than willing to take over the majority of our game while you sort this out and your know my MSN, so if you need to talk or rage against someone you know where I am.

Korias: This is only one multi-pronged soution. Take or disregard whichever parts you want.
Your family is obviously importnt to you; they may diasgree with each her but I know they care about you. Call a family conference or whatever and tell them quite frankly that they are screwing up your life and it's crushing you under the weight of every angry word or furious face you hear and see from them. Because they love you they will at least try to argue less, or be more adult when they argue. Hopefully.
School is possibly easier. Talk or email your teachers and say you can't always handle the load. Talk to Latin II and Geometry about some 'delicate' matters at home. Don't give details unless you want to. US schools are probably different but say you will get all the work done but until further notice you'd like some leeway with homework. Just a few days or so extra time.
Stop remodelling the house. See if you can get some extra help for school from friends doing well in your classes. If possible, stop narrating your game or let your co-narrator take up most of the load. One game is nowhere near as important as keeping your grades up and coping with real life stress.
If worst comes to worst: get counselling for your mum and brother. Get a friend to tutor you. Most importantly: SLEEP. It'll help you to relax.
Balance them out. Family and school > here and remodelling.
If you need to vent, I have a ostly empty PM box and I can try to give you some advice too.

[Iudex Fatarum]

Pwenet: Even I the ultra conservative christian I am think that you made the right choice. I think that something else you might want to do is go get an STD screening, even if she denies that she did anything physical check and make sure your physically ok. I can't even imagine what you are going through.

Korias: wow, you sound like me. well you sound like your troubles are with your brother and mother whereas mine are with my father. I struggle with depression on top of it and hopefuly something will help me get over this.

Now for my good news. I get to get away from home, have minimal at most contact from my parents for 6 months starting in february, I get to go to china. I dont know if i'll be able to post here or not being gone for so long will be hard sort of. I hope I do ok. also no difficult classes, only one and it will be intro Chinese after i spend a month starting learning it from a friend.

[Premsyl]

Thanks for those who wrote replies to my spiel. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, and it helps me even more to see that there are people willing to offer me advice. It's all about mustering my own will, now, really.

[Pwenet]

Thanks for the kind words people. They are helping a lot today.

After a night of little to no sleep, and talking to various friends for the first time in a while, boy is feeling better about this whole thing now that he is getting universal support, even from folks that have been out of touch for a while after he tells his sad tale of betrayal and loss.

So far boy has not heard from girl, so he has no clue where she is. Boy is trying to put his life back together, and is thankful for friends and family both far and near providing support.

Boy will admit that the incident that the girl keeps referring to is a sad day when they were engaged that he had relations with another girl many a year ago. That was a one-time even that was confessed shortly thereafter and the boy felt terrible and has spent all the time since then trying to atone for it. Yet the girl, despite saying she forgave him and giving him permission after the fact, and STILL got married to boy, always pulls it out in arguments. Case in point last night when boy and girl talked on the phone:

Girl: "We didn't do anything we didn't do anything how did you find out?"

Boy: "I checked your AIM logs."

*Silence*

Girl: "What about the time you cheated on me?"

*Silence*

Boy: "Go back to your party."

*Silence*

Boy: "Goodbye."

*Click*



The girl is persona non-gratta at the boy living location, which happens to be his parents, so they are under no obligation to provide her with shelter. The only time she can come over is to get her stuff and take it out, otherwise she is not allowed in the house. Thus far boy has not hear a word from girl, but if he does, a few issues will be resolved and then any further communication will be done by the horde of lawyers.

Boy hopes that someday he will love again, but while his chest is heavy with regret and sorrow, and guilt that should not be given to the girl for what is about to happen to her, he knows deep down that this is what is needed for a better life.



Edit: Dull_Oddity - For the record, I am not a religious person, I am very apathetic. Yet hearing your words has helped a lot with this decision of all things. I thank you for it.

[eidreff]

@ Pwenet:

Boy did that phone call give me a sense of deja-vu.

I understand how you feel, i really do. Went through something very similar myself. I didn't quite marry the girl involved, but it was close.

Thing to remember is that what is done is done. Attributing blame may salve feelings now but will only lead to bitterness/anger in the long run.

Try not to fall into the trap of over-compensating, I know that I did, and prbably cause all sorts of damage to myself as a side effect. Get something to do to fill the time, hobbies are good. Strangely I chose a combination of alcohol and working out at the gym.... my method didn't work due to to booze, but the gym thing worked. you get rid of all the negative stuff through the workout and endorphines it releases and get the bonus of having a newly tone body to boot.

I hope that things pick up soon. YOu sound as though you have good family and friends to back you up, so don't be afraid to lean on them for support, after all that's why they're are rallying round now.

*Launches inter continental ballistic hug*

Take care.

[Tomb_Raven]

Feeling better today... needed that wine yesterday.

Sigh... its a pity i got hardly any sympathy here... i seem to always get overshadowed by people with real problems... which is bad... i wish i had the worst problems, at least that way realy bad things wouldnt happen to people.

My comiseration Pwenet... offers vitamin drink

~TR~

[SurlySeraph]

Feeling better today... needed that wine yesterday.

Sigh... its a pity i got hardly any sympathy here... i seem to always get overshadowed by people with real problems... which is bad... i wish i had the worst problems, at least that way realy bad things wouldnt happen to people.

My comiseration Pwenet... offers vitamin drink

~TR~

*showers with affection*

I didn't really understand your last post. What happened - did someone take some of your wine, or you thought your wine was gone but it wasn't, or what? I didn't respond because I was a bit confused.

[Tomb_Raven]

had to give it as a present cos i couldnt avoid the party if it was right next door.

Peckams... or peckhams is a shop that sells alcohol till 12...

sorry if it was garbled... was pretty messed up at that point.

Now all i have to worry about is two exams next week for which i only have 2 days to study and im pretty screwed. Sigh... not going to do well in the chemistry. At least im not feeling as down now.

~TR~

[Arameus]

I've thought for a while that I was clinically depressed, and the psychiatrist I've started seeing agrees. So, it's official.

In fact, depression might not even be the worst part of it, but I won't go into detail.

The thing is, he says I'm overdeveloped emotionally and psychologically for my age, which is both a good and bad thing; on the one hand, this will help me deal with my problems much more effectively, but on the the other this kind of overdevelopement is causing its own brand of havok to a more-than-slight-extent.

So, yeah, pray for me!

[Serpentine]

Sorry Raven, sometimes it's just hard to think of anything meaningful to say.


my wine! my glorios shiraz... australian... gone! had to give it away... now im stupidly sober and depressedWell, I can't give you a real Australian wine to make up for it (interesting that our wine's supposed to be so good...), but I can give you this (http://www.themadmusicarchive.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=1055) (the full transcript (http://www.serve.com/bonzai/monty/classics/TheAustralianTableWineSketch), because that one cuts out not far into it).

[ForzaFiori]

This might not be the best place for this, but i can't find somewhere better.


For most of my friends, I'm the main advice giver. Pretty much everyone who has a problem or something they need to get of their chest comes to me to do it. I have no problem serving as this person, and in fact, i take alot of pride in being able to help people. However, I've noticed two things. 1 is that hearing all the things going on in friends lives is bringing me down badly. especially when it is bad things happening to my best friends. For instance, one of my friends currently is having seizure like symptoms, except the doctors have NO IDEA what is causing them. + she has mono, and before that shingles. And there are other things that have happened/are happening in her life that i can't talk about. Its one of my best friends, and when i hear about these things, it just drags me down knowing she has to live with this. The other thing is that i've found that i dont really have anyone in real life to talk to about MY problems. most conversations that get to a serious level like that are me giving advice to them, and it seems rather selfish to break into it to get advice for something much less serious. I know that i could come to other places (like to the excellent advice givers here for instance) but it, unfortunately, doesn't have the same...idk, the same...force i guess...as hearing it in real life. I dont want to stop giving advice, b/c i'm pretty much the only person that does, but i also dont wanna be drug down when i'm finally having a bunch of good stuff happen. I just dont know what to do.

Any other advice-givers have this problem? or a way to help it?

[Serpentine]

I know what you mean, mf. It's like... you have problems, too, but everyone else's are so much worse that you don't feel like you can really talk to them about it - or, if it comes to it, win a one-downmanship contest. Your problems aren't that bad, but they do affect you, but you can't talk about them to anyone, so they just keep on weighing you down, but you feel selfish for letting them get you down, which makes you resent them just a little bit, which makes you feel even worse, and so on...
Am I hitting the mark? I wish I knew how to fix it.

[Micate]

Just thought I'd put my name back on the depression list. Sorry there's no details, but I'm really just exhausted right now from all the just horrible thoughts I'm having. Wish me luck.

[ForzaFiori]

I know what you mean, mf. It's like... you have problems, too, but everyone else's are so much worse that you don't feel like you can really talk to them about it - or, if it comes to it, win a one-downmanship contest. Your problems aren't that bad, but they do affect you, but you can't talk about them to anyone, so they just keep on weighing you down, but you feel selfish for letting them get you down, which makes you resent them just a little bit, which makes you feel even worse, and so on...
Am I hitting the mark? I wish I knew how to fix it.

exactly. and then u add that to the fact that i'm feeling down b/c my friends lives aren't going grat, and its just a horrible spiral.

[rubakhin]

I know what you mean, mf. It's like... you have problems, too, but everyone else's are so much worse that you don't feel like you can really talk to them about it - or, if it comes to it, win a one-downmanship contest. Your problems aren't that bad, but they do affect you, but you can't talk about them to anyone, so they just keep on weighing you down, but you feel selfish for letting them get you down, which makes you resent them just a little bit, which makes you feel even worse, and so on...
Am I hitting the mark? I wish I knew how to fix it.


I know exactly how that feels. I used to see this guy who, for all accounts and purposes, had probably suffered more than I have in life. Everything that can go wrong in childhood emotionally/mentally/socially/sexually/economically went wrong with me, leaving me a twisted wreck with no future, but I was the picture of health, and I was never starving or beaten or anything. Whereas he had a beautiful upbringing and every possible social/monetary advantage, but he had all these medical problems. I was actually jealous of him, because he had something he could use to immediately justify his issues. "I'm addicted to painkillers, spent a year in the hospital, and had to have my colon removed." There you go. It is elegant in its simplicity. Whereas if I wanted to explain the depth and breadth of my various childhood traumas I'd have to go, "Erm, well, it's a long and tragic tale, beginning in my youth. I was living in the Soviet hellhole where my parents sent me to die, and ... " To me there was a community to disease, sympathy and love, an ultimate victimhood that means it's never your fault and you win every time. If I say "I'm screwed up because I was raped and my parents didn't care about me" it's kind of my fault for not getting over it, isn't it? Besides, it makes you damaged goods. Weak. Whereas you can't really get mad at a guy with continuous sickness, even if it's made him a narcissistic sociopath. Damn it, Otto! You have lupus!

Maybe it's because of the media perception. You see characters with these pasts grafted on just to give them something to angst about or to make them look stronger for rising above it. So people expect you to angst for five minutes and get over it, like you see on TV, or in those Oprah-endorsed confessionals written by the few people whose lives didn't descend into a miasma of violence and drugs. You never see examples of people dealing realistically with the fallout of emotional or sexual abuse. None of the rage and insecurity and distrust. None of the hate. (It was the hate I couldn't deal with. So much anger in me, every waking moment. And was it really my fault that I had this rage? I was in what is called in medical terminology a crisis state, when I had just unlocked all of the repressed memories, apres moi, le deluge; with absolutely no way of dealing with it and no resources to help me. It was like getting raped again, with the force of fifteen years of bottled up degradation. For weeks I spent every day locked up crying, threatening to kill myself, and yelling at Sasha just for having a ****. I had uncontrollable emotional pain, like Sasha's uncontrollable physical pain. He gets painkillers, and doctors, and sympathy, and I get vilified. His mother kicked me out of the house, all kinds of things.) But cancer victims, if they're talked about at all, are always tragic and beatified. They lie there angelic and innocent and die.

So whenever I told him about anything, he'd go, "Oh, I was in the same situation, in the hospital ... " and I'd feel like I had absolutely nothing to complain about. I was trying to explain to him about how I was raped by some of my relatives when I was three. He said, thoughtfully, "Eh, I was basically raped once. At least you didn't have to have a ... " and went on about this humiliating medical procedure. We were walking around on a roof at the time. I was this close to pushing the son of a gun off. Jesus. The hell kind of reaction is that? It didn't help that my parents refused to get me psychological help (they still do, though now it's more of a financial issue), saying that I had nothing to complain about and that a therapist would just tell me to get over it anyway. At the end, we never did anything but talk about our own problems because I was obsessed with getting one up on him. I had to justify the fact that I was suffering somehow.

Of course, I'm kind of doing the same thing here, but I'm just trying to illustrate my point. Look, there's no such thing as an unjustified emotion. There's just not. I believe this as a writer and as a human being. Nobody should ever be told that they don't have anything to complain about, or they should shut up and be grateful for what they do have. And, honestly, there's no such thing as worse problems. Suffering is suffering. I think there's no degree when it comes to pain. If you're depressed and you're an IDP in Afghanistan, or if you're depressed in a suburb in California, it's still depression that deserves an equal amount of empathy and help. And it feels worse when you don't know what's wrong, or when you have a good life in every other way. Then there's guilt, and you're blaming yourself because of perceived weakness and beating yourself up because you feel you should be grateful ... all sorts of things.

You should talk to your friends, but if you feel that you can't, or just want e-hugs, we're here. Speaking of which: @Micate: I'm sorry. Luck. *hugs*

(So yeah, I feel kind of bad about posting here all the time, what with my life imploding on a grand and operatic scale. :smalleek: I know it's kind of a hard follow-up.)

[Pwenet]

What follows is a collection of thoughts about what has happened to me these past 36 hours.


Well, it has been 36 hours since I read the chat log that turned my life upside down.

36 hours since mentally I knew my marriage was over upon reading that chat log.

36 hours of my heart playing catchup.

36 hours of going through the Kübler-Ross model of dealing with grief and tragety.
Denial: "This can not be real. This is a fake log. It was all a big joke between the two of them. They can't mean this, SHE couldn't have meant that. I must be misunderstanding what is said!"
Anger: "That (censored) how after all I have (censored) (censored)!!!!!!"
Bargaining: "Maybe we can work this out. I can buy her something, make it up to her, improve myself."
Depression: "What is there to do now? Why should I do anything? I will not find anyone else."
Acceptance: "My marriage is over. It is time to pack up and move on and find something better."

36 hours of contacting old friends I have not gotten in touch with. I have gotten universal sympathy from everyone I have told, even several offers to go out, but sadly they came late last night when I was about ready to pass out from exhaustion due to not sleeping a wink the night before.

36 hours of moving all of the ex-wife (she is an ex-wife, no if ands or buts. After this **** she is NOT welcomed back) stuff into the living room. Later this morning I'm going to compose a simple text message and send it to her informing her that her stuff is ready to be picked up, call us when she is going to. If no word we will consult with a lawyer as to what we can do with it.

36 hours of pushing myself, working out, performing physical labor, distracting myself and trying to improve myself and distract the entirety of my brain from thinking about this all the time.

I woke up this morning, after a good nights sleep, and I feel fine. I still hurt, still feel the ache of betrayal, but having good friends around who are here for me helps.

Having ran into another person at the gym yesterday who went through a very similar case also helped. His story and hearing his advice has helped. I have already made a list on my computer of stuff I want to keep, stuff I would prefer to keep but she can have, and stuff she can have and I don't want (I just want everything I bought for myself, like my electronics, she can have everything else that is stored at her folks place and here).

Having not heard a word from her since Friday night also only reinforced the opinion we all have. Is she with her internet toyfriend? Is she with her folks in Western NY? I don't know. I honestly don't care anymore, only a little bit and that is because I want to know when she is going to get her stuff out of here.

This is going to be a long and painful road, but this morning I woke up, and the guilt I felt, the soul-crushing guilt that I have felt the moment I realized she would be in a much worse place has faded. A comment from my parents this morning helped put that into perspective.

"You were always the one ending the arguments, making the first step to appeasement, either through gifts or words or concessions. She is probably waiting for you to crawl back to her, and is scared that if she does anything else she will loose her meal ticket."

I do not wish to be a meal ticket. That train has left the station. Anytime I feel a moment of guilt, I think back to one of the final chats she and her toyfriend spoke of:

"I want what is behind door #2, for whatisface is not there."

"The bills the bills need to die so I can move on with my life."

Whatisface - Is that how a husband should be referred to? She used other terms as well which I shall not post here, both in respect to the rules and because it is simply not something one should call a husband.

She thinks of me as a meal ticket. That is not a marriage.

Even if everything that was written was a big joke, who jokes about that. I have asked people, and they agree, you don't joke around with someone about that stuff unless the two people are single. Married people especially don't joke around with stuff like that.

I woke up this morning, feeling refreshed and content. I look around this small bedroom we have shared for several months, cleared of all her stuff (except the occasional gift she gave me) and I feel, content.

I go downstairs to look at all her stuff that needs to be moved, and I am ready for her to exit out of my life. Maybe part of me knew this was going to happen. Whatever the reason I'm sure that this will be for the best.

Today I will send her a message letting her know that her stuff is ready to be picked up. I will go to the store where I bought her last X-mas gift and return the gift. I may try to hang out with friends, but most importantly, I will work on recovering even further.

36 hours ago my life changed dramatically, but in the long run for the best.


Thank you all for reading and providing the kind words during this hard time.

Edit: I sent her a message saying her stuff could be picked up. She replied that she will be over this morning to get it.

*Inhales and exhales*

[Quincunx]

To the liars, the predators, and the various other people who make my warning sirens scream:

I can live with that.

If we're going to construct a shared fantasy, a more virtuous or richer existence, where better to do it than the Internet? If I'm tickled by the nugget of humor buried in the despair, I can laugh a healthy purging laugh and you needn't have it disturb your despair. I can walk outside with no destination and no reason to go, out of your reach.

[Raiser Blade]

To the liars, the predators, and the various other people who make my warning sirens scream:

I can live with that.

If we're going to construct a shared fantasy, a more virtuous or richer existence, where better to do it than the Internet? If I'm tickled by the nugget of humor buried in the despair, I can laugh a healthy purging laugh and you needn't have it disturb your despair. I can walk outside with no destination and no reason to go, out of your reach.

Huh? What exactly are you saying? :smallconfused:

[Quincunx]

(Woohoo! I can still be obtuse!)

I didn't ever vocalize my rage at the manipulative people who posted in Friendly Banter without admitting they were posting less-than-truths--but why not vocalize it now that I've let the rage go? It's anti-depressive posting.

[Closet_Skeleton]

(Woohoo! I can still be obtuse!)

I didn't ever vocalize my rage at the manipulative people who posted in Friendly Banter without admitting they were posting less-than-truths--but why not vocalize it now that I've let the rage go?

You have trust issues.

This is a thread full of personal issues, you can't blame it for only showing personal views of hte world.

[Serpentine]

To the liars, the predators, and the various other people who make my warning sirens scream:

I can live with that.

If we're going to construct a shared fantasy, a more virtuous or richer existence, where better to do it than the Internet? If I'm tickled by the nugget of humor buried in the despair, I can laugh a healthy purging laugh and you needn't have it disturb your despair. I can walk outside with no destination and no reason to go, out of your reach.You're a Malkovian, aren't you? :smallamused:

[Tomb_Raven]

oh my god... came so close to a nervous breakdown...

been depressed for days now... and i decided to get out of the cycle so i got up and went shopping and phoned my girlfriend and had a shower. And decided to sit down and get some major studying done for my exam on tuesday and wednesday.

I havnt got anything done yet, cos i was in no mental state to do anything.

As soon as i starting pulling myself together i get a text from my ex... with whom i was very much in love, telling me she had a stroke and is paralysed in one leg and arm... sigh

then i get majorly bitched at by my dad, and major pressure on me from him... sigh

now im panicing... im sure im going to fail... and i cant just give up on the chem exam and concentrate ont he bio one... and im going to try and battle to just pass the chem.

My god what a day... im finaly managing to calm down and get my head round things... maybe ill be able to do something and pass the chem... i pray i hope...

Im just scared now... at least the panic is almost gone

sigh

~TR~

[Balkash]

:Warning, I honestly don't expect you to read this. It is all crap, and I just wanted to say it. It's long and complex:

I almost considered putting this under the Relationship Woes and Advice topic, but then I thought about putting it in a brand new one. I figured it fit best here, as I saw "advice" in the OP post. If it fits better somewhere else, then move it please.

That said, heres the story. Basically, today I've felt very alone, very old, and very worn. Truth be told, I'm only 16, but today, I just felt old. I felt slow, I feel slow. I'm just not sure why. To jump topic, and to clarify, I am 16, I am male, I have a girlfriend, I have some close friends, and I'd swear I've got some kind of personality disorder. Basically, back on topic, I was thinking about a few years ago and stuff. I've been going to the same school since the 6th grade. After 6th grade, my best friend moved. So, consiquently, 7th grade was the absolute pits. My friends ignored me, if you can call them friends, and I had really no social life. I got made fun of because I've always been really skinny, hence, really easy to pick on. After a year of hell, 8th grade seemed to pick up. Towards the end, I, the lowly, miserable, little cuss, ended up informally dating one of the most popular girls in the school. It was my first girlfriend. In all honesty, I was so incredibly happy with her. I told her I loved her, and we were the happy little couple. As an aside, I look back and hate myself for slinging the word "love" about before I really knew what it was, though I probably still don't. Anyways, this girl moved to a new school after that year. She broke up with me, and I was intensely depressed. Suicidal even, except I'm a bit too cowardly and a bit too melodramatic to do it. Anyways, though I'm sure it'll seem as though I'm an ass, I asked another girl out the very next day. Three words: Poor Second Girlfriend. Thats what I would describe her as. A terrible rebound choice that I regret indefinately. The next 6 months are a period of time I truely wasted. It was really nothing, and I didn't care for her. I just needed someone to hug. After her, I was alone for about two months in 9th grade. Then I met my current girlfriend. She is all laughs, a ball of fun. She is amazing. As far as I know, I love her. We've gone out for 2 years, and 3 months. And from what I know of love, I do love her. Now, you're probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me then.
Well I'll needed to start a new paragraph to really tell you my problem. I'm a rather obsessive individual, not stalker, not wierd, just more like an emotional packrat. I'd always save IM conversations and stuff, and pictures of all my friends. Well a while ago, I decided to rid myself of my past relationships completely (partly because I didnt want the weight, partly because my girlfriend gets jealous easy, so I didnt want her to find them and think I was still in "love" with them). Well currently, my first girlfriend has come back to my school. I haven't talked to her, but I've exchanged a glance or two with her. My ex is really hot. Incredibly hot. Blonde, party girl, social, sexy. My girlfriend is beautiful, kind, party girl, kinky, wonderful. My problem arises in that that I think about my ex occasionally, and in ways that would make a preacher blush. I dont want to act upon these thoughts, but I still hate myself for thinking them. I am perfectly happy with my girlfriend, so I dont know why Im thinking of my ex.
On top of that, yet still kinda related, when I started going out with my current girlfriend, I kinda left my old group of friends to hang out with her. My old group was really just two guys and this other girl. Now I think that I've dumped them. And none of them talk to me, and I know its because I left them. And even worse, I also think of that other girl from my old friends in not too kosher ways. Here is the tie in, I was reading my ex's old Xanga (how I miss those days before myspace), and one post said that she was terribly upset that I had moved on so quickly after her. Now I want to apologize, not only to my ex for being an ass, but also to my old group of friends (including the girl), but do it so that 1) I dont end up liking either her again 2) that I dont get my current girlfriend angery for thinking Im flirting with either girl.
Really, I kinda think that I'm just looking for old memories, but I know that it can never be like it was. And I hate myself for liking those other girls, and yet, I hate myself for not being nice to them. You see, I'm an obsessive, over-thinking, emotional, perfectionist wreck. I want to make them all happy, but I cant. I want to have have all my happiness, but I cant have one without pain from the others. I really dont even know why Im bothering to write this. Now im just crying for attention, and even i know this is a pathetic attempt. But still Im gonna post it, why, I dont know. :smallfurious: :smallmad: :smallfrown:

[sktarq]

This might not be the best place for this, but i can't find somewhere better.

Try looking for additional social groups and new people. Sounds like people have this idea that advice only goes one direction. In Particular look for people who don't seem to be giving or taking advice. I've met a couple who are specialists in advising the adisors. NOt that this always works. Hasn't solved my problems here but did in onther times (and places) in my life.

[Pwenet]

I'm not sure if my tale should continue here, but I need to vent a bit before passing out.


After several days of exchanging IM's through AIM (so I can take screenshots for my log) my estranged wife came over with a friend after work.

Her face, expressionless whenever she was in the same room with me as she and her friend carried junk into their cars. Yet whenever she went outside, both myself and my mother (who was in the office keeping a ear open just in case) could hear laughter.

I had gotten in touch with a lawyer, and he told me that if she agreed to a course of action, this process could be relatively cheap and quick. She agreed to it. She also gave me back the engagement band I gave her which had a family heirloom. However she strongly desired to take our two cats (from her parents) and the Wii (I bought her as a gift after I got my job).

I feel the worst for the cats. While I was willing to give them up to ease this process along, I have grown attached to the little rugrats. Plus apparently my estranged wife is shaking up with a friend who already has 5 cats. Maybe I should have fought more, but I'm tired of all of this.

I'm just glad in a way she agreed to end this, and does not want any of my stuff. I am even more glad when we were finishing up and after we went over some items we had this mini-conversation.

Me: "Thank you for making this somewhat less painful."

Her: "It would have been a whole lot less painful if you wanted to TALK about this." (emphasis on her tone of voice indicating that if we talked we would not be getting a divorce)

At that point I was 99.9999999% sure about this. That comment added that tiny 0.0000001% to it, making me 100% sure.

Yet despite feeling so sure, why is my heart feeling like someone tore it out.

Time for bed, may sleep help cure these wounds.

[Admiral Squish]

I'm not really depressed, per se, but I've had a pretty crappy life, and I think I'm allowed to be down in the dumps sometimes. This is one of those times. To explain:

I guess my story starts when I was born. Well, actually, two years prior, when my brother was born. My brother’s was always bigger than me. He stuck around in the womb for a month after his due-date, and I was born a day early. That tells you something about our respective personalities, right there. David’s always been more conservative, I guess, slower to move along and harder to start moving at all He’s sort of like the turtle. I’m always flying by the seat of my pants, the sporadic burst of speed characteristic to the rabbit. But history has shown slow and steady does not always win the race. Because I’d certainly say I’m winning.

When I was young, I was a bookworm. Before I’d gotten to preschool, even, I’d learned to read with some help from Mom and Dad, and I wormed my way through the entire basement library. I remember the natural science books the most. At least a dozen big, thick books, on everything from cells to the universe. I learned everything I could from those books, and would read them over and over. I had a hard time with some of them, but it was so fascinating! There was such a world out there! So many different things that I had never even imagined! I remember one chart specifically, that told me all about how big the universe was. It had a picture of the earth then it zoomed out to show the solar system, then the galactic arm, then the whole galaxy, then the local cluster, the local super cluster, and finally the universe as a whole. I remember I got a headache trying to grasp that incredible kind of scale.

First school I went to was church-school. It was a nice place, but kind of boring. Every couple hours they’d sit us down and tell us stories from the bible. Even then I knew they were completely faked. None of that stuff could have happened. And I was the biggest kid there, since I was older than the rest of them. It was lots of fun, but the playthings were always too small, I remember. I kept getting frustrated when things would break as I played with them.

We had two neighbors who me and my brother were friends with, Patrick and Erik, who I can’t remember the last name of. We had plenty of fun, waterfights, poking around for worms, taking turns sitting on an egg-shaped rock in hopes that it would hatch into a dinosaur, eating violets and clovers after we read that one could in an old survival handbook (it turns out they’re actually pretty good). I remember Erik’s mom paid us a nickel for each dandelion we pulled up one summer, and thinking how rich I was.

There was another girl further down the street, too, and we’d go over there periodically. She was my first crush, and my first kiss on the lips. She initiated the latter, believe it or not. We were playing dominoes in her basement and she pulled me over into this little nook and kissed me on the lips. I went to her Halloween party, that year, as a ghost. She was dressed as a princess. I ended up getting attacked by a kid in a night costume brandishing a plastic sword who claimed to be defending her from an evil ghost. b*****d didn’t let up on me until the party was over. Next spring I spotted her walking down the road and waved to her, and she ran off screaming. Not the reaction I had been expecting, but one I’ve grow relatively accustomed to in recent years.

Then, Erik and Patrick moved away. I can’t remember the exact circumstances, but I remember that. I got very lonely, very fast. Since my brother was older than me, it was like he was on a whole different social plane. We didn’t have TV, except for one ancient box in the basement, where there were twelve channels, three of which worked, only one of those worked clearly, and that one only showed a really stupid ‘horror house mystery’ show. So, we amused ourselves other ways. We played with Play-Doh, fiddled around outside, and did whatever we had to interest ourselves.

We used to have a tub full of dried peas, and I would stick my hands in them and wiggle them around, just enjoying the simple pleasure of it. I’d dig up handfuls and let the dry, wrinkly beads spill out through my fingers. They made a delightful dry, clack-y sound when they fell back together. It was sort of sensation therapy, stimulating all the senses. Then, one day I took one and stuck it in my ear for a reason that I’m sure made a lot of sense at the time, but I can no longer remember, and it got stuck. A trip to the emergency room and the pea was removed. Mom started putting a lid on the tub after that.

I remember having a birthday party at ‘Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum’, a sort of poor man’s Chuck-E-Cheese’s. I remember it was a lot of fun, thanks to all the rides and games. The party lasted quite some time before ending in pizza up to my elbows and some other games, like ‘telephone’ played around the tables. I think that was the last major birthday party I had for most of my life.

I don’t remember much of my first elementary school. Just fragments about the big rolling steel window-thing they used to separate the kitchen from the kids, IOUs, the playground, my Einstein project, and really unpleasant teachers. My first teacher was cruel. She was really old and when I asked her how to tell if I was right or left handed, she was so mean she made me cry. Hey, I was young.

I remember more of the next school, but most of it is bad. I was the scapegoat for everyone’s problems, socially inept, unsung, unnoticed, alone, and bullied. I kept trying to be people’s friends, but everybody already had their little cliques set up, and there was never any room at their lunch tables.

I was particularly tormented by three or four kids, every recess. I spent most of that year on the kindergarten side of the playground, trying to avoid them, but that hardly ever worked. These kids were EXPERTS at being bad. They brought darts to school for a week, the pointy kind they use for corkboards, and had me treed at the top of a play structure all week, until I managed to grab the darts and shove them down a hole in the play structure’s casing so they couldn’t get them back. The authorities were useless and incompetent, I can’t even count how many times I went to the principal’s office over this, but they couldn’t do ANYTHING about it. And it wasn’t just physical, either. It was everything from name-calling to rumor-spreading to threats, to blaming me for their mischief. This was fifth grade.

Middle school had me locked securely in the ‘special ed’ classrooms. Everyone there was mad. There was one kid who believed he had two brothers, though he was an only child, there was one kid who routinely freaked out violently and had to be taken to the ‘cooldown room’ every afternoon, and there was another who wore a chicken-yellow raincoat constantly for no apparent reason. I was there because I had bad grades (I never did homework), had trouble interacting with others (Because others refuse to interact with me), and was ‘in my own world’ constantly (because I already knew everything the teacher was saying).

Around there, I acquired my first video game, and was immediately taken with the idea. Me and my brother got our games at the same time. We each got Game Boy Color, I got Pokemon blue and my brother got Pokemon red. We would spend HOURS on those little glowing screens, blipping at the controls, not speaking for hours at a time. We were addicted. As soon as the next Pokemon games came along, we had them. Within weeks. Since then, video games became a huge part of both of our lives. Mine more than his.

But all good things come to an end. Pokemon suddenly became taboo, and the one thing I like more than games was being accepted. So I hid it away in the back of my bag, and didn’t bring it back out for ages. That year, I changed schools. I went to the neighboring public school. There I was taken even further into the special ed program.

I enjoyed the program there minimally. There were these trinkets in a bookshelf, and they’d give you points for good behavior, and you could buy things from the shelves with them. I ended up buying most of the things, and giving them to Mom as gifts. That part was cool. But the rest of it, notsomuch. Still viewed as a freak, still picked on, still way too smart for my own good.

High school started in a local high school. It was… decent, for a time. Tolerable. No worse than middle school, I suppose. I had a couple of friends, and we ate lunch together a lot. They were fun. There was Melissa, George (Who was a girl), Tom (also a girl), and Melissa2. They were the ones who introduced me to chatrooms and IMs. They showed me a world I wanted, a second option, separate and whole in and of itself. A world populated by like-minded ones such as I. And I loved it, diving in, drinking it in, swallowing it’s possibilities as quickly as I could. I immersed myself wholly in this alternate universe. I still remain there, in fact.

I spent a year and a half in that school. After the first year ended, my parents divorced. It wasn’t honestly that big of a shock, they were fighting a lot, anyways. Not physically, mind you, just verbally. Dad got an apartment and started dating online. Before long, he got remarried to a professor of women’s studies at EMU. Her name is sandy, and she’s very nice. She’s got three kids, My little brother, Tayo, my elder, Jackson, and older still, Josie. Jackson and Josie don’t have that much of an impact on me, but Tayo’s become like a brother to me. An annoying, pestering brother who I constantly torment, but a brother, nonetheless.

The next semester I failed every course, straight Fs. I don’t know If it had anything to do with the divorce or the marriage, or just bad study habits, but it happened. There was a huge uproar, and Dad proposed I move in with him and try a different school. Eventually, I agreed. There was a huge screaming mach between Mom and
Dad, but dad won out. And so I became a resident of Ann Arbor.

Ann Arbor is the greatest town in the world, in my opinion. It’s a college town, so it’s intelligent, it’s upper-middle class, mostly, its got a huge, sprawling downtown that you can spend hours wandering, its got bike lanes in the roads, its got a huge hippie movement, and everything can be reached on foot or by bus. The school I was going to had well over five thousand students, and three floors. I joined into the unofficial ‘outcast club’ quickly, and made friends there.

There was James, the behemoth, easily a foot taller than me, incredibly strong and almost immune to pain. There was Lee, the combat specialist, he always had some new knife or dagger or something to talk about, and was my frequent sparring partner. Dylan, a sort of hybridization of Lee and James. Becca, the preppy little burn victim, and Christy, the pixie. A lot happened with these people.

First main event was my crush on Christy. She was smart, pretty, fun, had a wonderful laugh, was into theatre, and was incredibly nice. I had a MASSIVE crush on her. Then, the one thing I did not expect happened. Becca confessed. Now, Becca had third-degree burns over 75-80% of her body, from when she was a baby. But my main problem wasn’t that. It was the way she acted. She was like a remora, completely conforming to the views of those around her in order to stick around. She had nothing of her own, just those around her. But, due to an affliction of overzealous kindness, I found I couldn’t turn her down.

But things got worse from there. She got clingier and clingier, trying to join me in everything from just plain eating lunch by myself to sparring matches with Lee and Steve. I couldn’t get away from her. She started following me into classes, to my embarrassment. She wouldn’t leave me alone. Eventually she cornered me and tried to kiss me, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. We broke up that day. It was made more awkward by the fact that we hung out with the same people all the time.

But she kept following me into classes. Every class. Every day. Nothing changed. She was just as clingy and interrupting as before. It kept happening. I got more and more agitated. I kept asking her to stop, but she never did. My patience wore thinner and thinner until I snapped at her. She was following me to the bus stop like a lost puppy when I did. I spun around seized her by both wrists and told her in no uncertain terms that if she EVER followed me into a classroom again, I would break every bone past her elbows. And I didn’t let her go until she swore not so do it again. I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry, before or since. I hate that feeling.

Then, once that was taken care of, I was free to pursue Christy. I got all dressed up, all clean and tidy, wrote up a letter, wax-sealed, and put it in my pocket to give to her at lunch. I handed her the letter, asked her not to open it until later, and sat down to eat, learning exactly then that she’d gotten a boyfriend the very night before. No matter how much I hated that rage, the deep burning rage I had felt when I snapped, I hated that numbness more. It was like someone stuffed my brain with cottonballs of slow, consuming pain.

All the while, my step-mom was having a rough spot. When I had moved in, I had disturbed the ‘system’ she and my little stepbrother had. When I broke the system, she broke too, in a sense. She started having… episodes of completely irrational and unfathomable rage at me, my father and my brother. These only ever lasted a few hours, but always ended up sending the three of us out of the house for the day. These ended up happening about twice a week. Since then, the problem has almost completely vanished, thankfully. But it was extremely unpleasant in the meantime. Lots of stress, self-doubt, and money trouble from all the gas.

Interspaced with this whole experience was me teaching my little stepbrother and his friends how to fight, educating them in Philosophy, English, World Religions, and Science, because he went to a private school that taught only ‘alternate’ courses, and had no scope through which to interpret these. It was simply amazing how much they didn’t know. Mostly, their education took place in the midst of other activities, using the Socratic Method oftentimes. We would converse on these subjects while we walked, fought, played, or anything we happened to be doing.

Then the ultimatum arrived: Either my next report card was all As and Bs, or I had to leave. I had two Cs. And so, dejectedly, I packed my bags once more, and headed back to my mother’s. From there, I entered the next closest public school , about four miles up the road. With no license and no dependable ride, I walked the nearly five-mile trek twice a day, no mater the weather. Hot, cold, frigid, scorching, sunstroke or blizzard. No music, no distraction, no breaks, no wheels, no money. But the walk was the least pleasant part of the experience. That school wasn’t any truly negative experience, just an utter lack of positive ones.

I was doing better, but I was still short a few credits. So I transferred yet again to a new school, a secondary school that offered the recovery of at least a few credits. And so I went there. First off, nothing happened. Same as the last place. I was a bit less at ease, but still. Then I met Stephanie and Stacey. Stephanie was an amazon in jeans, and Stacey was more on the intelligent side, though, but, vaguely like Becca, she takes the traits of those around her and starts to exhibit them herself. But it’s more like they were already there, they just get expressed more. Anyway, Stephanie was the ringleader, and it was bad. I understand that now, but I was so desperate for acceptance, that anyone who would take me was a saint in my eyes.

Then, one day, not more than a quarter ago, it occurred to me. It wasn’t that everyone around me was failing. It was me. I wasn’t the victim, I wasn’t being overshadowed by bigger selves, I was always being myself, myself just wasn’t good enough. SO I started to improve everything. Exercise, literature, knowledge, music, art, everything available to me, I consumed, like a caterpillar stuffing itself before its cocoon, praying that when I came out again it would be enough. I’m still not sure if it will be enough. I can only hope that when I come out of my chrysalis, I’ll get the biggest and best wings out there.

Not more than six hours ago, my grandfather passed away. It was peaceful, and it marked the end of several months of spiraling health, surrounded by his children and grandchildren. The conclusion of a week-long slumber, uneventful and somber.

Over the past months, he has had several 'mini-strokes' that left him less and less able to function normally. Occasionally his old wit would return to him, a glimpse of a healthier man, a cheerful, intelligent man. We all loved him, and he will be sorely missed by all those he left behind.

This is not the first time I've lost a grandparent. But I saw him, this time, before the body was even cold. So this feels more real. I've seen open coffin funerals, but I was too young to truly appreciate them. Now, I see death from an adult's perspective, and it feels very, very different.

My first funeral was my father's father's. He was a tall, thin man, with a white goatee and a halo of snowy hair. Before he died he spent several years in a home, convinced he was on a cruise. Every time I smell a smoking pipe, I think of him, because that's what I connect the hardest with him.

My Father's mother was next. She was a wonderful woman, with a great sense of humor and always 'as many cookies as you think you deserve'. I suppose I'm lucky. All my relatives who have died have died in relative calm.

I've kept a running tally of important events.
I've been through eight schools in my education from first to twelfth grade.
I've tried to kill myself five times, in increasingly stupid ways.
I've had one girlfriend I honestly consider as a relationship.
I've had one job.
I've never had a car.
I've been kissed by a female who is not in my family twice.
I've had six real 'birthday parties' I can remember in nineteen years.


That's my life so far. The good, the bad, and the ugly. My brother says I'm the only person he's ever met who honestly has REASON to be emo and completely ignores the option.

[Mountain_Faerie]

Improved situation.

[eidreff]

Ouch. Family stuff is always an issue where I feel like i'm walking on thin eggshells.

Only thing I can think to say is that this is your Christmas too. Having what you do dictated is not fair or reasonable in any way. Considering you only see your brother a couple of times a year that's the way i'd leap, and if it puts noses out of joint then so be it.

It sounds as though some kind of "game" is being played, even if subconciously, and the best way is just not to play.

[sktarq]

RIIGHT family gatherings....well who did you see for Thanksgiving? Pick the other one? Rent a van and go around collecting people with whom you or hippie share significant amounts of DNA and dump them all somewhere together? Now you sister in law said her problem was that her family didn't get invited over. Why not bump it up a notch and and have all the kids and their families over together....welcoming those who have finnally joined with and having Hippie's folks show you sinter in law's folk that it really is quite easy and fun and worth the reciprical effort?

I really can't care about spelling today.

[MCerberus]

Not so much so depressed as dreading. With Christmas coming up it means going to my grandmother's. Usually this would be good but in the past year I've had an extreme falling out with my father who will be there. His drinking lead to most of the messed up stupid junk in my life that didn't get sorted out until my mom remarried and I moved to an entirely new county and state.

That said I always defended him. My sisters would get mad at him for various reasons and I'd defend him. Well it turns out that not only has he been drinking behind everyone's back in the past 2 years but he flat-out lied to me about it, breaking the one promise I told him I'd hold him to. My sisters have both sufficiently stopped hating him (with my help mind you), but this is just too much for me. I've essentially disowned him myself. He keeps lying about changing, quits AA after two meetings each time, and then lies to me about it. I've had enough of it, but everyone understands BUT my father.

[Tomb_Raven]

This is just stupid...

finnished exams yesterday everything went fine... i crashed out and went to sleep at 6 woke up in the morning and now i feel like utter ****... WHY?!?

WWWWWWWWWWhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?

[SurlySeraph]

This is just stupid...

finnished exams yesterday everything went fine... i crashed out and went to sleep at 6 woke up in the morning and now i feel like utter ****... WHY?!?

WWWWWWWWWWhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?

If you aren't doing so already, sleep. Get back into a regular sleep pattern, try to get 9 hours of sleep every night. And get the same nine hours, if possible (e.g. 10PM to 7AM, 11PM to 8AM, etc.) Sleep honestly does make everything better.

I hope you did well on all the exams. Take all the time you need to recover from them.