The Depression Thread

[Thes Hunter]

Mountain Faerie and Hippie you have my *BIG HUGS*

That does seem to be very different behavior than normal, and I suspect it is coming from people other than your parents. Perhaps your sister in law doesn't feel comfortable having other people about when her son opens his presents. Maybe for some odd reason she thinks this will take away from the focus on her son. I don't know but whatever it is it is silly.

I hope the situation works itself out well for all parties.

And *BIG HUGS*

[Mountain_Faerie]

Thanks for the hugs. :smallsmile: I guess all the parents are starting to work things out. They are at least emailing each other. Hippie's mom called him this morning and made their excuses for leaving on Christmas Eve. She also said we didn't need to come down on Christmas Day since we were going to have 2 Christmas Eves (one at our house with our kids and one at my mom and dad's house with extended family).

I guess things are better. It is just hard to tell at this point.

[The Bushranger]

Well, my problem is pretty small, but it's still eats at me.

You ever do something that you think may have upset, hurt or generally made someone unhappy, attempt to apologise/explain, and too late realise you may have just made things worse?

That happens to me often, and it seems that sometimes I get nervous anytime I say anything, just in case it causes offense and the person I'm talking to doesn't like me anymore as a result.

[eidreff]

BR, this is what I like to call foot in mouth disease. I too am a sufferer. No matter how I try to engage my brain before de-clutching my mouth I seem to end up putting my foot in it somehow. Luckily I have a very understanding circle of friends/family who are usually quite entertained by malapropisms and unfortunate comments.

Sometimes apologising does make it worse, but try asking people (especially if they're being a bit off with you) whether you've upset them. Don't roundabout apologise; simply say that you did not meant to offend them and still wish to be friends.

Don't be nervous about speaking your mind, but try to slow down a little and weigh your thoughts. If you think that speaking you mind will cause serious offence or be taken the wrong way bite your tongue; unless it's an issue that you seriously think is worth an arguement.

That or make a habit of babbling enough inane gibberish that peole don't realise what you're saying. (This is what works for me:smallbiggrin: )

[The Bushranger]

Eidreff: Thanks. :smallsmile:

It's one of the few things I'm truly afraid of in life: that I'll be speaking (well, typing most of the time, but same diff) with someone, say something that hurts or angers, and instead of their saying something, arguing back, or even telling me they don't want to talk anymore - they just don't say anything at all and start ignoring me, and I'll be left wondering what exactly went wrong...

Irrational probably, and not at all likely to happen among the great bunch of folks here I know - but it's still the one true "phobia" I have.

(It's like Dale Earnhardt is reputed to have said: "I don't mind if you cheer me or boo me, as long as you're making noise.")



That or make a habit of babbling enough inane gibberish that peole don't realise what you're saying. (This is what works for me :smallbiggrin:)
:smallbiggrin: :smallbiggrin:

[A Rainy Knight]

Oh. So that's why you were worried before. Sorry, if I'd known, I would have gotten back to you. Didn't mean to ignore you or anything.

[The Bushranger]

Rainy: 's OK, you didn't know. No need to be sorry. :smallsmile:

For a variety of reasons (not all of which I wish to go into) I've never really had the chance to make any real true friends before, so I don't want to lose any of the ones I'm making here now. Y'all are great. :smallredface:

[Iudex Fatarum]

So I have thankfully avoided the ever popular disagreements about holidays, my problems start Jan 2.
ok, So I finally convinced my parents to not disown me for visiting a friend i haven't seen in 5 years, plus tickets are cheep. So I hunt down tickets that are about $100 cheeper at a major airport across the state (A 2 hour drive). only problem is it leaves the 3rd, well I don't work so no problem. the airport is also next to my gf's house, she is leaving on the 3rd about an hour before me to head to italy for a month. so I was planing on heading out the 2nd to her house and spend the night (its her parents house staying with their permission, well request actually) and then see my gf off to airport and then head out myself. So I tell my father and he is furious. he thinks it ridiculous because he worries i'll get stuck in the snow. he now is accusing me of lying to him. and honestly if the tickets had been more I wouldn't have gone, but even with gas its a bit cheeper and i get to see my gf off to italy, plus about a week after she gets back I leave the country for 6 months.

Any advice, am i being absurd or does this sound reasonable?

[Raiser Blade]

Sad news.

Backstory: I have an uncle who when he was younger hung around with bad company and got involved with gangs. One night there was a fight between my uncle and his friends and a rival gang. One of the rival gang members died and my uncle was charge with homocide. Adding to the problem was that due to the victims and my uncles race's it was classified as a hate crime.

Basically ever since I could remember my uncle has been in death row in prison. Which basically means after a certain amount of time he will get a lethal injection or something similar.


And now for the sad part... (Wow that seems like a wierd statement)

I just found out that my uncle got placed into solitary confinement for two years. Which basically means we can't talk to him on the phone for two years. We can't visit him for two years. He can't go outside or even see the sun and the sky for two years (He used to be able to go outside everyday and play basketball.). He can't talk to his friends for two years.


:smallsigh:

[smellie_hippie]

Um...

The sig says it all. I'm not very happy right now. I'll let you know when things perk up...

[Charity]

Awww man sorry to hear that Hippy.

Good luck for the Feb retake
http://www.gillianbankstheatreschool.co.uk/images/cheerleaders.jpg
Go hippy

[Micate]

I'm sorry to hear that Raiser and Hippie. But I'm too drunk right now to offer any advice to the former, and too uninformed to know what to say to the latter, but I can offer *hugs* to the both of you.

[SurlySeraph]

Sad news.

Backstory: I have an uncle who when he was younger hung around with bad company and got involved with gangs. One night there was a fight between my uncle and his friends and a rival gang. One of the rival gang members died and my uncle was charge with homocide. Adding to the problem was that due to the victims and my uncles race's it was classified as a hate crime.

Basically ever since I could remember my uncle has been in death row in prison. Which basically means after a certain amount of time he will get a lethal injection or something similar.


And now for the sad part... (Wow that seems like a wierd statement)

I just found out that my uncle got placed into solitary confinement for two years. Which basically means we can't talk to him on the phone for two years. We can't visit him for two years. He can't go outside or even see the sun and the sky for two years (He used to be able to go outside everyday and play basketball.). He can't talk to his friends for two years.


:smallsigh:

:smallfrown:

I wish I could do something to help. There's no chance of an appeal? No way to check for DNA evidence or anything? Not having any of my application essays written suddenly doesn't seem so bad anymore...


Um...

The sig says it all. I'm not very happy right now. I'll let you know when things perk up...

They made you wait that long for results and then rejected you? Bastards. Good luck on your retest.

[Raiser Blade]

:smallfrown:

I wish I could do something to help. There's no chance of an appeal? No way to check for DNA evidence or anything? Not having any of my application essays written suddenly doesn't seem so bad anymore...


His case is looking at an appeal next year. The sad part is that there is no appeal for solitary confinment. If you do something to p*** off the guards they can throw you in there for however long they want.

He will spend the next two years in a cage the size of a small bathroom. And he will never leave the cage or go outside.

He wrote my dad a letter. In it he wrote "I know now why the lion paces in the front of his cage. I can understand his state of mind."
The whole thing is just heartbreaking.


Thanks for caring. :smallsmile:

[nerulean]

Wow, I came in here to post some grumblings, but a little perspective is a wonderful thing. I'm really sorry for you and your uncle, Raiser.

[sktarq]

Nerulean, I totally agree. People wonder why I read the "depressing" news and that this is the first thread I check on these forums. Mostly it's the fact I can't help but to care-about almost everyone-not what they think but how they are feeling....cost me allot of Random Hot Chocolates and Whiskey over the years but whatever. They do one other thing for me though. They help me keep my own life in a rather more healthy perpective. Makes me appreciate the friends, foods, family, and furnitre that not everyone has.

[Zakama]

Not really depressed, per say, but here goes...

I just read an article in a magazine about a kid who invented a device to attract sharks for research. I found another article online that says he also found out some type of fertilizer can also be used as deer repellent. OK, all good, right? This kid is two days younger than me. I haven't done anything close to that, in fact my academic level is probably lower than most kids my age. I know this sounds like I'm whining because I'm not a prodigy like this guy, most kids don't invent things like that. But it really made me see that I haven't done or accomplished much.

An early life crisis, if you will. :smalltongue:

Here's the article: http://www.divenews.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=5619&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0

[TigerHunter]

I can empathize with you, Zakama. I'm above average as far as academic performance goes, but I'm not good at anything other than regurgitating information. You're in 8th grade, and trust me, I and a lot of my friends felt the same way at that age. Most people do go through that "early life crisis" at the start of puberty. There are so many amazingly talented people in the world, you can't help but feel bland by comparison.
But you've hit it right on the head--the kid in that article is extremely gifted. There's nothing wrong with not having made the papers by age 13. And you HAVE accomplished things, even if nobody wrote an article about them.

[zeratul]

I'm really sorry Raiser. I'm surprised they still even do solitary confinement.

I hope for the best for both you, and your uncle.

[Cade]

Well....

I'm being cheated on. This isn't a suspicion or a hunch or anything, it's a fact. She told me yesterday that she had only come to my house straight from a college party and that she'd 'slept with someone there'.

This has never been the simplest of relationships, and so I listened for an hour or two while she went into great detail about her night.

I tried to smile afterwards, but she said she could sense how sad I was. I didn't even know it at the time, but she's right, and for any number of reasons.

Now I don't know what to do. I'm not so much asking for advice, because I do have a short-term gameplan, but I just need a way to enjoy my christmas eve and day (neither of which she'll be present for).

Any thoughts?

[Pwenet]

Well....

I'm being cheated on. This isn't a suspicion or a hunch or anything, it's a fact. She told me yesterday that she had only come to my house straight from a college party and that she'd 'slept with someone there'.

This has never been the simplest of relationships, and so I listened for an hour or two while she went into great detail about her night.

I tried to smile afterwards, but she said she could sense how sad I was. I didn't even know it at the time, but she's right, and for any number of reasons.

Now I don't know what to do. I'm not so much asking for advice, because I do have a short-term gameplan, but I just need a way to enjoy my christmas eve and day (neither of which she'll be present for).

Any thoughts?

As someone who is going through something similar in many ways (working on a divorce from my wife, found out about the real her a couple of weeks ago) here are some words.

Go out and do something for yourself - Be it getting something, doing something you didn't do with her.

Connect with friends - This has helped a lot with me, getting in touch with friends and hanging out.

Sadly I don't have much else I can suggest at this time. But hang in there, you are not alone.

[rubakhin]

Raiser: Lord, that's barbaric. Your poor uncle.

Ach. Obviously, this season was not going to be fun for me. It's hard being in America, it's hard not being able to go to a Russian Orthodox church, it's hard being totally alone - without my friends or my old lover. At least my kid brother's around. Aleksander is pretty much the only loved one I have left at this point. Obviously, I have people at various ends of the world that I'm still in contact with, through the internet, telephone, etc. but I'm so alone over here. Of course things are bad with my family, because they really don't like having me around and they always resent it when I go off for a few months. They think I'm gone forever and then I come back. I remember once my mother was almost in tears, she was that angry, yelling, "You always come back! You always come back!" It's unbelievable how she despises me.

I was thinking at maybe volunteering somewhere, like a soup kitchen, that usually needs some extra help around the holidays - just to be with people and to make myself useful to someone other than myself - but there doesn't seem to be anyplace around.

I don't really know what to say. I'm not looking forward to the New Year. I'm going to start getting introspective, thinking about how far back I've slid this year. Not one step forward. Nothing's changed, except for the worse. I'm stuck here in America again, I still have no job, I've utterly ruined things with the guy I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, and I killed my best friends, my only friends. I was in the hospital twice for attempted suicide. I did all these drugs.

I just wish I could do something to help myself. I'm trying so, so hard to find work. I don't know what else to do. I don't know why I don't just start hustling or whatever. I've been thinking about it. Not because I even want the money. Only lately, whenever I go outside I'm totally desperate. I don't have any physical desire - in fact I don't have much of a sex drive at all lately - it's especially hard because the last people I slept with were Ruslan and Akhmed - and it's not like I want to date anyone or even talk to them, I just want to have sex. I can't explain it. I don't even want it with anybody good-looking. In fact, the uglier, the better. What is that? Me trying to reach out, or punish myself, or both? Who knows? I know it would be a bad idea, sure, but it's not like I could screw up my life any more.

I keep wondering if I'm a bad person.

[Closet_Skeleton]

For some reason I'm feeling like crying on Christmas but failing to.

Nothing that bad but it's still not that pleasant.

Maybe I'll cheer up when we start opening presents but my 10 year old cousin is probably going to be annoying again. At least I have family to give me presents but I'm not sure they really know me enough to get me what I want. Getting unwanted presents hurts me, which in turn makes me feel guilty of course.

[SurlySeraph]

Nothing's changed, except for the worse. I'm stuck here in America again, I still have no job, I've utterly ruined things with the guy I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, and I killed my best friends, my only friends.

No. It was not your fault. I can see why it feels that way, but it absolutely was not. I didn't know Ruslan and Akhmed, so I can't say what either of them were thinking, but I know that they were good people who fell into trouble. Akhmed wasn't careful enough, and Ruslan got depressed by that. What can you learn from that? You knew them, so you can say better than I can. But I can say that it shows that you have to be in control. Always think about the consequences, remember what could happen. No matter how terrible you feel, control yourself. Control. As much pain as you feel, your life is worth the pain. If you choose to survive it, you can.


I just wish I could do something to help myself. I'm trying so, so hard to find work. I don't know what else to do.

Keep trying. It may feel futile, and maybe it is futile. But trying to find work when there isn't any to find is a damn sight better than sitting around feeling guilty that you aren't trying to find work. Keep looking, and you'll probably find work. And if you don't, at least you tried. That's good experience for finding out when there will be the right job for you - and there will be, you can be sure of that.


- and it's not like I want to date anyone or even talk to them, I just want to have sex. I can't explain it. I don't even want it with anybody good-looking. In fact, the uglier, the better.

I know that feeling. Resist it. Ignore it. Scorn it. You're better than that, and if you don't believe that you are you'd better start believing.


What is that? Me trying to reach out, or punish myself, or both? Who knows? I know it would be a bad idea, sure, but it's not like I could screw up my life any more.

Both. Trying to reach out, because you're alone, feel low, and want to share something with other people who are in a bad way, because you care about helping people. Trying to punish yourself, because you feel that it's your fault that you are where you are. I realize that the fact that something's a bad idea usually hasn't stopped you from trying it, but in this case you have to stop. Believe me, things can get worse, and you must not let them get worse. If you get arrested, or get a disease, or get murdered by some freak, things will be worse. I know it's tempting to try to let everything go when things are this bad. Resist it.


I keep wondering if I'm a bad person.

Again, I don't know you. But from what I know of you, you aren't. You're not always careful, you don't think everything through, and you've had hands-down the worst luck I've ever heard of. But you aren't a bad person. You're a good person whom terrible things have happened to. Good intentions help, but they can't save you. You can save yourself. I'm telling you now that you are worth saving, but all I can do is give you advice. Your life is worth saving, but you must choose to save it. This isn't a one-time thing; you can't just choose and then be saved. Every morning, you have to wake up and remember that you can improve the world if you live but won't help anyone if you die. Your life is worth saving. Rise through the pain and save it.


For some reason I'm feeling like crying on Christmas but failing to.

Nothing that bad but it's still not that pleasant.

Maybe I'll cheer up when we start opening presents but my 10 year old cousin is probably going to be annoying again. At least I have family to give me presents but I'm not sure they really know me enough to get me what I want. Getting unwanted presents hurts me, which in turn makes me feel guilty of course.

I know exactly how you feel. Even if you get something you don't want, it shows that they care about you and are trying to be nice to you. Don't worry, just enjoy the stuff you like and ignroe the stuff you don't.

As for your cousin, I have yet to find a kid who will keep trying to annoy you after having been turned upside down and spun around in circles. If he's too big or heavy, just make death threats in a joking tone of voice whenever he bothers you. Either he'll think you have a sense of humor and stop trying to annoy you, or he'll get creeped out and stop trying to annoy you. Either way works.

[TigerHunter]

So, Christmas. Got the laptop that asked for. Got to hold my baby cousin. Fun times.

But now it's over. And I still have two weeks left until I go back to school. Two weeks I'll be bored out of my skull during. Worse, my friend might not be throwing her New Year's Eve party this year... which makes me feel all the worse because she's the person I care the most about and the one I see the least.

I'm not really all that depressed right now... I just know that I'm going to be feeling really down over the next two weeks.

[GryffonDurime]

So, Christmas. Got the laptop that asked for. Got to hold my baby cousin. Fun times.

But now it's over. And I still have two weeks left until I go back to school. Two weeks I'll be bored out of my skull during.

I share the feeling; ever since...oh, about eight AM today I've just felt that oncoming numbness. I live in a town full of old people, several states removed from the lion's share of my friends. I probably won't see anyone until I go back to college because I'm absolutely terrified of driving my car.

This year's just been especially strange because I don't feel it like I used to, that crazy Hallmark yuletide fuzzy crap. I always used to feel it. I never was able to sleep on Christmas Eve until this year. I love the feeling leading up to Christmas, but I hate the ending, so anticlimactic. My family sort of gets together, then the rest of the day we're back to normal.

...It's going to be a long two weeks.

[Serpentine]

Well....

I'm being cheated on. This isn't a suspicion or a hunch or anything, it's a fact. She told me yesterday that she had only come to my house straight from a college party and that she'd 'slept with someone there'.

This has never been the simplest of relationships, and so I listened for an hour or two while she went into great detail about her night.

I tried to smile afterwards, but she said she could sense how sad I was. I didn't even know it at the time, but she's right, and for any number of reasons.

Now I don't know what to do. I'm not so much asking for advice, because I do have a short-term gameplan, but I just need a way to enjoy my christmas eve and day (neither of which she'll be present for).

Any thoughts?
Wellity... I think that the fact that she came straight to you, told you exactly what happened without fear or deception, and you didn't blow up in her face, suggests that you have a really strong relationship going. Personally, at this stage (I've never actually cheated or been cheated upon so I reserve the right to change my mind) I believe that sex can just be sex. As I got from my sister: Once is a bit of fun, twice is a mistake and thrice is forming a relationship. I don't think that one slip-up, immediately confessed, is cheating. When it happens repeatedly, when it's hidden and lied about, and/or when a second relationship begins to form, then it's cheating. Still, this one mistake could be indicative of something wrong between you two. I think it would be good to talk to her, not just about what happened, but why it happened, what she was feeling at the time. Use it as an opportunity to reassess your relationship, without taking it for granted, and weed out any cracks that need repairing.
I want to stress that, no matter why she did what she did, it is a good thing that she was able to tell you about it and that you didn't overreact (make sure, though, that she knows that it does matter to you - though it seems she could tell. A touch of jealousy helps them to know they're worth something to you).

Rubakhin, I certainly haven't seen anything to suggest that you're a bad person. I think Seraph covered just about anything I could say. If you just needed something to do, perhaps you could start writing an autobiography? I know I'd read it, and from the way you write on here I'm sure it'd be beautiful. You could use it, if you wanted, to record the lives of those men and everything they meant, and mean, to you. I'm sure your lovely writing would easily do them justice. I think it could help you, too, to write out everything that's happened to you - even if it's just this last year - and then read over it again, just as a reader. Distance yourself from it all, read it from the point of view of a stranger. Think over it in terms of what that character, that Rubahkin, should have done; what was his fault, what was that of those around him, and what was just plain bad luck. Think about what, if you weren't you, what you would think about this person. By going over the past, with the added dimension of "someone else", you might be able to pinpoint exactly when things went wrong, figure out what to do if that starts to happen again, and determine what you need to do next. I think, perhaps, you should make yourself a plan, and break it up into doable pieces. Decide on a long-term goal - for the sake of argument, being a rich and famous poet in a mansion in Russia. Figure out what you need to do that - get published - and what you need to do that - write something and have money to back you up - and to do that - get a well-paying, steady job with good hours - and that - get a foot into a business that will give you that - and that - gain experience and contacts - and that - get yourself any job - and that - write as many stunning resumes as you can and take them everywhere you could stand to work, talk to people, walk into shops and chat with the owners, hang around labouring sites, even talk to people on here about getting work and/or getting to places where it might be easier to find work. Have something in the long term to strive for, but have small things you can do, here and now, and know that you're making progress. And, while you're at it, do the occasional nice thing to keep up your morale - feed a stray cat, babysit, keep an old woman company, that sort of thing, remind yourself that you're a good person, that you do deserve a good life.
Um. I got a bit ranty, there... Sorry.

Tiger, why can you only see her at a party? Can't you just get together sometime, just the two of you?

[Cade]

Wellity... I think that the fact that she came straight to you, told you exactly what happened without fear or deception, and you didn't blow up in her face, suggests that you have a really strong relationship going. I don't think that one slip-up, immediately confessed, is cheating. Still, this one mistake could be indicative of something wrong between you two. I think it would be good to talk to her, not just about what happened, but why it happened, what she was feeling at the time. Use it as an opportunity to reassess your relationship, without taking it for granted, and weed out any cracks that need repairing.
I want to stress that, no matter why she did what she did, it is a good thing that she was able to tell you about it and that you didn't overreact (make sure, though, that she knows that it does matter to you - though it seems she could tell. A touch of jealousy helps them to know they're worth something to you).

Sorry, I got this too late. It turns out I was wrong, she did just have a fling, but with that confidence booster did away with me. She was only with me because she thought no one else wanted her. Someone gave her attention and off she goes. If she wasn't the best friend I have and vice versa, not only would i probably not see her tomorrow but I have no doubt it would be forever that she'd be gone. Now, though? I'm going to go to her house in around twelve hours, probably have at least one more 'fling', and then help her figure out why the guy she slept with told her they couldn't hang out anymore... I think.

At least I feel happy about it right now. I see her less than once a month, so this is special.

[TigerHunter]

Tiger, why can you only see her at a party? Can't you just get together sometime, just the two of you?
I try. This is probably better suited for Relationship Woes and Advice, but we had a major blowup a month or so ago about how whenever I ask her to go someplace, she's always busy, and when I try to schedule something weeks or months in advance, she always says its too far ahead to plan. And we don't live nearly as far away as she makes it out to be... the drive to her house is only about half an hour.
To be fair, though, she does have three younger siblings who also need to be driven everywhere (I'm hoping we'll be able to see her more often once she gets her license). Two of them also need to be watched when the parents aren't home, and the other isn't quite old enough to do it, so she's the one who gets babysitting duty.
Yeah. So that's why I really only get to see her when she invites me over.

[rubakhin]

Serp, Seraph - ay, you're both right. No, I know things will get better, only not right away, and I need to have the maturity and strength to look towards the long term and not let everything go to pot. (Or to heroin, as the case may be. Really have got to stop fooling around with drugs.) At nineteen, I'm not really a teenager anymore - I've got to stop whining because I can't fix my life all at once. I'll see Russia again someday ... I'm sure of it. Somehow, I don't think I'll die, or be able to die, without setting foot on Russian soil again.

For the time being, I should at least enjoy the relative freedom I have here and work on a novel. I guess I should write about Ruslan and Akhmed, you're right. I've been terrified at the idea of writing anything about Chechnya again, but I am in America right now where nobody is going to care. I ought to take advantage of that.

It's not my fault they're gone now. I know that. But despite that, I still feel that I carry their deaths on my soul in some way. Only, it's pointless to sit around feeling guilty about it. I have to work towards putting something back into the world.

A while ago somebody I know, a member of the persecuted intelligentsia who had lived through Stalin and an alcoholic husband and God knows what else, told me two things. The first was that no matter what, you can't hate anybody. It's never impossible not to hate, even if it seems that way. The second was that you need to have one thing that you do every day. Even something tiny, like making dinner at six o'clock every night. No matter how small, it's still something that you can do, that you own. It keeps you sane. I didn't really understand what she meant at the time, but she's right, and I'm repeating it here in case it helps anyone.

So, day I went and bought a fish. It's kind of pointless, but at least there's something that I need to do in life - feed this thing and change the water once a week. I feel kind of better already.

[CurlyKitGirl]

For the time being, I should at least enjoy the relative freedom I have here and work on a novel. I guess I should write about Ruslan and Akhmed, you're right. I've been terrified at the idea of writing anything about Chechnya again, but I am in America right now where nobody is going to care. I ought to take advantage of that.

It's not my fault they're gone now. I know that. But despite that, I still feel that I carry their deaths on my soul in some way. Only, it's pointless to sit around feeling guilty about it. I have to work towards putting something back into the world.


I know this may not help a lot, but I read somewhere that noone is dead until their name and the last things they have done are forgotten or completed. This thought has helped me so much as I recently lost a few relatives.
I know you loved Ruslan and Akhmed as friends or maybe more, so perhaps by writing about them it'll hurt less and people, no matter how many, will read about them and remember them.
It will take a very long time but eventually, the pain you feel will lessen and it won't hurt as much.
I'm glad you're feeling better now; I hope you can take charge of your life again soon. And that you can write what you need to.

[zeratul]

Hi again guys, (haven't been to this thread in a while)

So I'm going through the same angst I've been going though for a while. As some of you may know I've liked this girl immensely for 8 months, told her after month3, and she got a boyfriend by month 6. It's still tearing me up, and I know I shouldn't reiterate given that she has a boyfriend.

I guess I'm just kinda down and looking for hugs at the moment. Sorry for beating a dead horse :smallfrown: .

[saimne]

Hi again guys, (haven't been to this thread in a while)

So I'm going through the same angst I've been going though for a while. As some of you may know I've liked this girl immensely for 8 months, told her after month3, and she got a boyfriend by month 6. It's still tearing me up, and I know I shouldn't reiterate given that she has a boyfriend.

I guess I'm just kinda down and looking for hugs at the moment. Sorry for beating a dead horse :smallfrown: .

I know this information doesn't help you now, but when you get older your hormones don't kick your butt so much and you can get over stuff like this situation of yours easy-peasy.

Reading problems like yours makes me feel old. You never get over feeling old.

And now that I think about it I feel kinda creepy. Why am I reading about some strange kid's problems on the intarwebs? Do your parents know you're talking to me?! :smallconfused:

[zeratul]

And now that I think about it I feel kinda creepy. Why am I reading about some strange kid's problems on the intarwebs? Do your parents know you're talking to me?! :smallconfused:

Actually yes, I have a tendency to quote the forums in the real world.

[RationalGoblin]

Hi again guys, (haven't been to this thread in a while)

So I'm going through the same angst I've been going though for a while. As some of you may know I've liked this girl immensely for 8 months, told her after month3, and she got a boyfriend by month 6. It's still tearing me up, and I know I shouldn't reiterate given that she has a boyfriend.

I guess I'm just kinda down and looking for hugs at the moment. Sorry for beating a dead horse :smallfrown: .

*Refrains from hugging, says snarky joke instead*

Well, at least you're not trying to get blood from a stone yet, so there is still hope for you. :smallbiggrin:

Well, if I could actually help, I would. Unfortunatly, I have no experience in this area. Yet. So, I merely offer a little advice.

Just be patient. All good things come, in time. :smallsmile: Is the boyfriend of your crush shallow, crude, or somesuch? If so, then there will be an probable break-up eventually. Then again, that would be desiring the suffering of another human being, so maybe I shouldn't advise you to hope for that.

Alright, instead, merely wait. If she is truely happy with her current SO, there is nothing you can do about it. If she is not, you can be a shoulder to lean on in her troubles.

Then again, I repeat that I shouldn't be giving out advice, as I have no experience with the subject at hand.

[saimne]

Actually yes, I have a tendency to quote the forums in the real world.

Well, that's good. I could be some total freak or something...

Seriously though, try and look at the bright side: what you're going through is great experience for life.

Just remember to take the feat that gives you better saving throws versus romatic BS when you hit level 21 or so...god does it help (Ok, not so seriously. But who wants to be completely serious at a time like this? That would just be emu...or whatever it is you kids call it).

[Serpentine]

Oh wow. You're only 19, Rubakhin? Wow, do I feel sheltered now - 21 and all I've lost, that I can remember, is a grandmother - not unexpected - a demented dog - shot for chasing sheep - and three budgies - unknown illness, escaped and jumped in my porridge. So young, for so much tragedy... *sigh* I think the fish was a good idea. I hope you have more luck with it than I'm sure I'd have.
*hugs* for Zer.

[Zakama]

Just to let you know, I feel fine now, and have for a while. Seems it hit me hard and fast. :smallwink: That post looks really dumb now when I read it. >_<

*Hugs all around*

[Totally Guy]

I'm feeling a taddy bit rubbish at the moment.

It's nearly new year and I've got no friends at all within the confines of my home town. This year is also the first year which my little brothers are both out for new years parties. So I'm going to be at home by myself.

I feel really sad that we don't do anything as a family anymore. My brothers sleep in until late afternoon and stay up far too late for me to keep up with. I cannot sleep in past half eight in the morning any more.

I've got another week off work before I move into my new accomodation up near where I work.

I always suffer with an allergy of something, I have no idea what, when I come to my old perental home. It's just annoying.

It feels like once I move away from a place all the frinds I've made in that particular place are no longer friends.

I need to think of a good way to meet more people. Now GITP saved me in that respect as I've met great people through this website that started out as online friends but have become true real life friends.

Where is everybody else? The strangers that are friends I've not met? I feel like I know 3 women and I've no clue how to meet any more. Single since before I went to university.

I just start feeling all my loneliness feeling all at once when I visit my family. I didn't feel it at all when I lived alone. Nobody wants to do anything with me ever.

[Dragonrider]

I'm feeling a taddy bit rubbish at the moment.

It's nearly new year and I've got no friends at all within the confines of my home town. This year is also the first year which my little brothers are both out for new years parties. So I'm going to be at home by myself.

I feel really sad that we don't do anything as a family anymore. My brothers sleep in until late afternoon and stay up far too late for me to keep up with. I cannot sleep in past half eight in the morning any more.


Yep, that's pretty much me too. I have no friends in this town, and what's worse, there's no one I am INTERESTED in being friends with. For New Year's, I'm going to be babysitting my two youngest brothers while Mom and Dad go out and my third brother spends the night at a friend's house.

There's a certain art to loneliness - an art which I'm fast perfecting. :smallwink:

[Ceska]

Excuse my natural curiosity, but:

I have no friends in this town, and what's worse, there's no one I am INTERESTED in being friends with.
How do you know? Or is this town so small you know everybody well enough already?

[Dragonrider]

How do you know? Or is this town so small you know everybody well enough already?

OK, OK, no one I've MET. And I'm sure there IS someone I've met, but I'm not brave enough to try...

*sigh*

:smalltongue:

[TigerHunter]

After the monotony of the past week, today I finally had the opportunity to leave the house and go see a movie with some kids from school.
And I turned it down.
I don't even know why I did it. Was it because I didn't think I would like the movie? Because I dislike most of the people who were supposed to be there? Because I'd rather sit around the house wallowing in self-pity than go out and do anything?

Except it's not the latter. There are things I want to do--my Uncle just invited me to go to a nearby State Park with him tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it more than anything. And I WANT to have a circle of friends that I can go out and do things with. The problem is, most of the people who I live near or go to school with (private school, so the two don't overlap much) either dislike me or are disliked by me. Most of my friends I've met online and live in other states or even countries. The aforementioned best-friend-who-I-never-get-to-see has gone out with people from her school pretty much every day over the break. And whenever I ask her if we can do something together, she says "I don't know, we live so far away and I'm always busy." My daily drive to school is longer than the drive to her house, and if she's so darn busy why is she always talking about her latest outing? I can't help but feel like I'm being shunted to the side, and that she only talks to me and sees me every once in a blue moon because she feels sorry for me, or wants to be friends with me, but only at arm's length. And then I feel guilty because that makes me feel like I'm trying to control her, when I don't want to be the only person she sees or cares about. I'm happy she's fitting in so well, since we both spent Elementary and Middle School as outcasts, or at least I know I should be. I just feel like now that she has other friends, she doesn't have any time for me anymore, and is moving on to bigger and better things. Then I start feeling resentful, because I care about her so much and she doesn't seem to care at all about me in return, and the resentment just makes me feel guiltier... ugh. I'm probably in Relationship Woes & Advice territory here.

And I feel like I can't talk to her about it. Why? Because we've already had blowups over this issue, and I feel like I don't want to instigate another on, even when the issue's not resolved. And I'm constantly talking with her about my own depression, and always feel like I'm unfairly burdening her with my own problems. Heck, maybe that's why she avoids me so much, because she's uncomfortable around me. I also get the sense that she thinks she's my only social outlet, and is trying to get me to expand my horizons a bit more.

I'm rambling now, so I'm just going to let it end there. Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Ceska]

OK, OK, no one I've MET. And I'm sure there IS someone I've met, but I'm not brave enough to try...

*sigh*

:smalltongue:
No, please, don't misunderstand me. My first reaction was actually "I know how you feel". But you made me think about it. Am I not guilty of judging books by their cover, myself?
Had I done that here, and I'm sure I did for quite some time, would I have ever known, let alone liked, somebody?

Sometimes you simply need to open up enough to know if the person is likeable or not. It took me two years to realise that the people in my new class at school are actually not just idiots, but really nice guys, some of them even far enough to have an intelligent conversation for hours with.

What I mean is, I know it's a lot easier to open up over the internet, actually that was the first time I felt I really could, but in the end it's all my fault if I don't open up enough to know if the people I've met are likeable.
I hope I haven't confused anyone more than myself. *is confused kitty*

[Totally Guy]

After the monotony of the past week, today I finally had the opportunity to leave the house and go see a movie with some kids from school.
And I turned it down.
I don't even know why I did it. Was it because I didn't think I would like the movie? Because I dislike most of the people who were supposed to be there? Because I'd rather sit around the house wallowing in self-pity than go out and do anything?

I've decided to always try to say yes to invitations. Even if not ideal. The idea is that yesses lead to more yesses. It doesn't always work. I noticed a friend I used to live with had put up a "come along to my house if you want to get pissed", on facebook. I rang up and asked if it was an invitation and if I could come. Turns out it wasn't really an invitation, which is what prompted me to rant yesterday. I might just spend new year in the playground.

[NotAboutBalance]

I've recently had my hopes and dreams crushed. I was directed to this thread on the advice of a playgrounder, and now seek some advice from the people here. Should I let go of my dreams, or continue until I've actually failed?

[sktarq]

Well how were they crushed? There are many work arounds for dreams....you may have to adjust timetables, or means to an end.

Specificity is needed here.

[potatocubed]

Yeah, without any details it's hard to offer advice.

Still, I'll say this: life is chock full of cool stuff and completely unpredictable. There are other things you can dream of out there, and your original dreams may resurrect themselves in the future. Just keep rolling and see what turns up.

[Lyesmith]

So
Its new years day, and i'm sat at home feeling lonely.
talking to some freinds on MSN, realising just how bad the coming year is going to be. i've got stuff to hand in i havent done and dont care about, people to tolerate and try not to think about killing, and critically important performances to do on the four year anniversarry of y mothers death.

Its an overwhelming sea of lonliness that has seemingly hit everyone i know. this is at a little past midnight, so all included in the abive brackets are those who werent invited to parties. not that i care much bout parties. i mean "woo, lets all get drunk and have sex and give eachother dieases and die" is basically all i wish on most of the people i'm forced to interact with at school anyway.

I'm just feeling angry, lonely and sad at the moment. apologies for the rant, nd thanks for reading, i suppose.

edit: also woo, i have managed to upset a good freind who i had bit of a attraction to, as well. i hate you, new years day.

[Dragonrider]

No, please, don't misunderstand me. My first reaction was actually "I know how you feel". But you made me think about it. Am I not guilty of judging books by their cover, myself?
Had I done that here, and I'm sure I did for quite some time, would I have ever known, let alone liked, somebody?

Sometimes you simply need to open up enough to know if the person is likeable or not. It took me two years to realise that the people in my new class at school are actually not just idiots, but really nice guys, some of them even far enough to have an intelligent conversation for hours with.

What I mean is, I know it's a lot easier to open up over the internet, actually that was the first time I felt I really could, but in the end it's all my fault if I don't open up enough to know if the people I've met are likeable.
I hope I haven't confused anyone more than myself. *is confused kitty*

that's true actually...I hadn't thought of it that way...about the internet, I mean. My closest friends (all of whom live far, far away, sadly) I met in person but really got to know through MSN, and when we see each other, it's not awkward because we know one another so well. I don't think I'd've had the courage to form those friendships if it HADN'T been for the internet.

Unfortunately, a lot of people (at least in my age group) "play down" so as to fit in with the crowd. I know plenty of people (girls in particular) who act like total bimbos whenever they're with a group of friends, but when I get to talking them alone, they're quite nice and pretty intelligent. It's just they don't use their heads a lot of the time. I'm not willing to sacrifice my individuality to fit in, so I have a hard time making friends.

(my golden excuse for an antisocial nature :smallwink:)

No, you're right. I had a bad experience as a child with people with whom I wanted to be friends, but who were fairly awful to me (bullying and teasing). So I kind of was nervous about making friends after that.

[sktarq]

Unfortunately, a lot of people (at least in my age group) "play down" so as to fit in with the crowd. I know plenty of people (girls in particular) who act like total bimbos whenever they're with a group of friends, but when I get to talking them alone, they're quite nice and pretty intelligent. It's just they don't use their heads a lot of the time. I'm not willing to sacrifice my individuality to fit in, so I have a hard time making friends.

Ahh the Bane of my existance and why my selection of friends is so wide. I recomend only that you look for people alone even for a couple minutes and try to chat people up in groups of no more than four inclusive....Guys I'd actually recomend going after one-on-one as we are prone to acting just as stupid but in a more "macho" or "I want to pretend I don't know what you're talking about" way.....And no it doesn't get much better with age, just smoother and better hidden.

[Dragonrider]

And no it doesn't get much better with age, just smoother and better hidden.

*swears*

Ah well. :smalltongue: Better get used to it, then, eh? :smallsmile:

[SurlySeraph]

Guys I'd actually recomend going after one-on-one as we are prone to acting just as stupid but in a more "macho" or "I want to pretend I don't know what you're talking about" way.

YEEEEEEEEAH! THAT'S WHAT MAKES US GUYS! *dispenses New Year's punches to all and sundry* :smalltongue:

[Dallas-Dakota]

Ok, here comes my story...

I had a crush last year, I couldn´t come up with the courage of telling her.
That was the same for around 2/3 months, then in an msn conversation she asks me who likes her, I thought (why did you have to ask me?!), so eventually she got my hints that I liked her, then she told me she understood that I liked her.

Then she started telling me she had an boyfriend for several weeks now(in secret, becouse another boy in my class liked her and made that very obvious to all), and that she wanted to know if I knew becouse I wasnt part of ´the group´ he was in to see if I noticed, so that was that.

My grades were already a bit on the low side, and they were slowly and steadily dropping, I was on medicines so I could go to sleep and for headaches.

Eventually it was summer holidays, that cheered me up a bit, but then I got the news I had to do an lower level, and thus go to another school becouse the school I was on only did that level(highest level actually), there were two other schools in the city, so one was just not right for me(the way of studying, teaching etc.) and the other said they´d look and apparently they were full.

So I now got to go to another school in another city. The class had a few bullys and the mainly targeted me, but when they did that I ignored them and I went to authorties, they slowly stopped the bullies, the other side of my class was practically ignoring me, a few tried and sat next to me in the lesson but that was ´boring´ becouse I wanted/needed to pay attention becouse some things don´t come easily to me, they just sat elsewhere when they found me ´boring´.

Later on it turned out I need glasses becouse my eyes had been straining themselves to much to look at the board(actually an old buzzing projector).
So I got glasses and while I saw better, they gave me killer headaches so worse I sometimes couldnt go to school, so I was behind on some things, my grades here are steadily low(lower then on the old school), and I find that weird becouse I´m doing an lower level.

And now recently my old crush, chatted via an chat program to me, a bit distantly.
I still havent gotten over her(been a bit more then a year now that I noticed I liked her), so I´m really sad becouse she keeps nagging at my mind, in stories I read or movies I see, I recognize character traits of her, and then I sigh and am sad again.

I´m steadily spiralling downwards.....

Advice would be welcome, I just needed to get this out, I hope I wont regret posting this here....

[YPU]

Dallas, a good thing to know for you is that no matter what, things will get better in the future. I take it you are still in middelbare school (sorry people, going dutch here) may I ask from what level to what level you went? I myself dropped from vwo to havo, and really hated that, and my grades went down two. Damn I even have had the whole unanswered crush you cant give up on thing. all I can say is that no mather what happens, afther middelbare school things get a lot more fun. I cant really give you any advice on what helped me, as it was my girlfriend who happened to be in havo as well and fell in love with me. Tough I do hope something similar happens to you soon I cant help with it. (desperately trying to fall in love with somebody is definitely not the answer)

[Miraqariftsky]

Yo DD. Ye know what I was thinking while reading yer post? "Good grief! It's like watching a pirated re-run of my life!"

Bloody bleeding blight!

Oh, right, and know this, as I'm writing this, my palms and feet are oozig cold sweat--- and I'm pretty sure it ain't just the weather.


On the Affair
First of all... blast. No, "just plain fergettin' her" ain't viable. More likely than not, folk like us won't ever forget THE First Great Love. I had one such one-sided affair for three bloody years. When I finally chanced upon confessing my feelings for her, turned out she actually liked me too (one year already going). But then we graduated Elem, moved on, lost contact with each other. I eventually moved to an exclusive school and it was then that I realized "Good God! Why didn't I go for her when I had the chance?! Isis, (not her real name) I still love you!" The old Elem class had a reunion and she'd apparently hooked up with somebody else. Both of them being good friends of mine, I just sighed, congratulated them, had a nice ol' reminiscig chat with "Isis" over half a dozen games of chess. She won half. Coupla years later when my own grades and romances were spiraling into the Abyss, I realized I was pining for her again. Valentine's Eve. Honestly, I wrote her one of my greatest poems ever... whose last two lines were,

Eversweet, milady, may thy dreaming be
But dream not of me.

Ever since then, I have shed no more tears on her memory though the sighing still stings. I tell ye truely... or at least from my experience, romantic affairs are great experiences and great inspirations but when they fall, everything is likely to crumble abysmally unless you really have great emotional fortitude... that, or callousness/cynicism. Yeah, especially for folk in highly structured subsocieties that like to call themselves "schools".

On the Illness
Yer eyes're bad and yer head aches like hell? Go to a GOOD doctor. Sleep/exercise/eat/drink well. Oh, and sit near the front row and have an ace-student as both a seatmate and a good friend.

On the Bullying
Wow! Congratulations! Ye did somethig that I wasn't able to do: make the old "ignore-and-tell-teacher" scheme work well. Me? I preached. Mostly failed. I ignored them. Mostly failed. I ran from them. Mostly failed. I fought back with every fiber of my being. Guess what happened.

On the Incoming Depression Induced by the Combined Factors Above
You have to fight! Don't fall! DON'T FALL! Stop spiraling downwards, grab the nearest cliff, look up into Heaven and scream, "HELP ME, PLEASE!"

Get over her. Move on. That which doesn't make ye stronger is likely to kill you. Yes, I twisted a proverb. Sue me. Heck, take it from SMBG--- whatever isn't a Kiss is a Kill... ha-ha-ha. Whatever... or in this case, whoever's not for you isagainst you. Yeah, I now it's a black-and-white mentality but in yer current case, ye need it.

Tell the bloody teachers that yer having trouble keeping up. Give them a full explanation and don't withold any detail you think might even be slightly relevant. Yer probably in a First World country--- they'll likely take care of ye.

It's good that yer doing something I failed to do when this all hapened to me. YER OPENIN' UP. That is very good. It's good that yer seekin' help and support groups. We are but human and no one is an island. Existentialism be damned, we NEED the help of others whether we admit it or not.

Aaaaand here's resurrecting my old multi-purpose anti-depression/anti-"I'm spiraling steadily downwards" tips:

3. Pray and meditatate. Scream your soul out to the highest heavens or seek to empty your heart in meditative oblivion.

4. Go to your family or closest friends. Tell 'em everything. Don't be shy to cry. The courage of a true man lies in accepting the fact that he is flawed and that he has much to fear in the world. By accepting fear and embracinng it, you are able to defeat fear.

5. Leave proximity of object of affection, that is to say, take a break/vacation. Heavy hiking out in nature's bosom is good.

6. Engage in super-reading--- make sure that what you rerad is something you absolutely enjoy. Tip: in your current emotional state, don't go for something Russian, too heavy.

7. Express your woes through art and literary pursuit. Paint or draw your lady, compose sonnets describing your unrequited love for her... or do graffiti defacing her consort and write about all the creative ways you could think of to rid yourself of him. Good or grim--- your choice, your poison.

8. Purge the stress from your system with pure, primeval brutality. To put it in less scary terms, exercise, bub, exercise! Running, calisthenics, soccer, football, whatever! But if you ask me, go for some martial art or other. Break as many boards and cinder blocks as you can. Imagine the image of the object of your frustration superimposed over whatever you're hitting--- be it punching bag or sparring partner. Oh, and make sure to scream, grunt and yell as much as you can. The "YAAAAAAAAH"s really do help, trust me.

[Dallas-Dakota]

YPU, I really hope so.... I went from Gymnasium to Havo(actually I´m doing HAVO in an atheneum/havo class)



On the Affair
First of all... blast. No, "just plain fergettin' her" ain't viable. More likely than not, folk like us won't ever forget THE First Great Love. I had one such one-sided affair for three bloody years. When I finally chanced upon confessing my feelings for her, turned out she actually liked me too (one year already going). But then we graduated Elem, moved on, lost contact with each other. I eventually moved to an
3. Pray and meexclusive school and it was then that I realized "Good God! Why didn't I go for her when I had the chance?! Isis, (not her real name) I still love you!" The old Elem class had a reunion and she'd apparently hooked up with somebody else. Both of them being good friends of mine, I just sighed, congratulated them, had a nice ol' reminiscig chat with "Isis" over half a dozen games of chess. She won half. Coupla years later when my own grades and romances were spiraling into the Abyss, I realized I was pining for her again. Valentine's Eve. Honestly, I wrote her one of my greatest poems ever... whose last two lines were,
Ever since then, I have shed no more tears on her memory though the sighing still stings. I tell ye truely... or at least from my experience, romantic affairs are great experiences and great inspirations but when they fall, everything is likely to crumble abysmally unless you really have great emotional fortitude... that, or callousness/cynicism. Yeah, especially for folk in highly structured subsocieties that like to call themselves "schools".
reunions arent really common here in The Netherlands...
I´m just trying to get over her, and I´m not trying to get her, I realized her and my life are totally seperated and there´s almost nihil I can do about it.


On the Illness
Yer eyes're bad and yer head aches like hell? Go to a GOOD doctor. Sleep/exercise/eat/drink well. Oh, and sit near the front row and have an ace-student as both a seatmate and a good friend.

I have been to 3 different doctors, and am currently on the waiting list of an neurosurgeon(with the brains), Already sitting mostly at the front, and the point is about my class, there is no fricken SMART kid! Most of my class is just passing..


On the Bullying
Wow! Congratulations! Ye did somethig that I wasn't able to do: make the old "ignore-and-tell-teacher" scheme work well. Me? I preached. Mostly failed. I ignored them. Mostly failed. I ran from them. Mostly failed. I fought back with every fiber of my being. Guess what happened.

that scheme is just a part of it, I almost always sat on the other side of the class and it took me half an year before they stopped, bullying me. And it was hard, becouse some kids in the class just said ´fight back´, with most of them most likely wanting me to get into trouble.


On the Incoming Depression Induced by the Combined Factors Above
You have to fight! Don't fall! DON'T FALL! Stop spiraling downwards, grab the nearest cliff, look up into Heaven and scream, "HELP ME, PLEASE!"

Done and doing that, haven´t received note from whoever is up there that he´l help...

Get over her. Move on. That which doesn't make ye stronger is likely to kill you. Yes, I twisted a proverb. Sue me. Heck, take it from SMBG--- whatever isn't a Kiss is a Kill... ha-ha-ha. Whatever... or in this case, whoever's not for you isagainst you. Yeah, I now it's a black-and-white mentality but in yer current case, ye need it.
Probably, but my parents want to help, but they dont understand.


Tell the bloody teachers that yer having trouble keeping up. Give them a full explanation and don't withold any detail you think might even be slightly relevant. Yer probably in a First World country--- they'll likely take care of ye.

Thats also an problem, EVERYBODY is helping! And ya know what, I get tired of hearing the same thing(come on you can do it, just ignore them, how could me make this better? etc.), bloody tired....


It's good that yer doing something I failed to do when this all hapened to me. YER OPENIN' UP. That is very good. It's good that yer seekin' help and support groups. We are but human and no one is an island. Existentialism be damned, we NEED the help of others whether we admit it or not.
Thenk you, though this is around one of the only places I know I can get GOOD advice and help.


Aaaaand here's resurrecting my old multi-purpose anti-depression/anti-"I'm spiraling steadily downwards" tips:

meditatate. Scream your soul out to the highest heavens or seek to empty your heart in meditative oblivion.

4. Go to your family or closest friends. Tell 'em everything. Don't be shy to cry. The courage of a true man lies in accepting the fact that he is flawed and that he has much to fear in the world. By accepting fear and embracinng it, you are able to defeat fear.

5. Leave proximity of object of affection, that is to say, take a break/vacation. Heavy hiking out in nature's bosom is good.

6. Engage in super-reading--- make sure that what you rerad is something you absolutely enjoy. Tip: in your current emotional state, don't go for something Russian, too heavy.

7. Express your woes through art and literary pursuit. Paint or draw your lady, compose sonnets describing your unrequited love for her... or do graffiti defacing her consort and write about all the creative ways you could think of to rid yourself of him. Good or grim--- your choice, your poison.

8. Purge the stress from your system with pure, primeval brutality. To put it in less scary terms, exercise, bub, exercise! Running, calisthenics, soccer, football, whatever! But if you ask me, go for some martial art or other. Break as many boards and cinder blocks as you can. Imagine the image of the object of your frustration superimposed over whatever you're hitting--- be it punching bag or sparring partner. Oh, and make sure to scream, grunt and yell as much as you can. The "YAAAAAAAAH"s really do help, trust me.

3. Doing that, meditating is for some strange reason not working, urgh.

4. My brother recently broke up with his girlfriend and is in no way able to deal with more then his own troubles, my parents dont understand, I explained it, they still ruddy dont, they try to help but its only so much....

We are all flawed, and I know it, I know nobody´s perfect, I´m just trying my best, t´is all I can do...

5. Vacations = upward spiral, but they only last for so long, and since I am in school I can hardly just ´take a break´.
And I´m cycling already, but on the nature part, I live in the Netherlands, we have cities, cities, rivers, some farms, cities, and some villages, and ohyeah a few square miles of forest in the whole of our country and it is nowhere near ruddy me.

6. God bless fanfiction... and Tolkien, those are the two that I can completely sink away in... If you know what I mean...

7. My rl talent in art is almost nihil, and I´m writing, but its hard, going through with it though...

8. cycling with an speed of 40 km per hour, hitting walls untill other people begin to complain. Learning Martial arts might be something though....
Screaming YAAAAAHHHH or AAAAAAARRGHHH has helped a bit, swear words to whoever decided that my life should be this way is personally better for me.

Whoever is up there, may you bless the holidays, they are holy...(no offence ment or anything)

[Miraqariftsky]

SSssssssiiiiiiigh.

Sorry for being useless as apparently i've told ye stuff that other folk've already told ye.

But whaddaheck, I'll give ye another shot. Look bub, what's happing to ye is universal. Yes, by that I mean it happens to most everybody in one way or another. So, take it from somebody who's already been through that, move on, move on.

Things will get better.

But i the meanwhile, if thigs don't currently work out well, well heck, dive down as deep as ye can get. That's what I did. Once ye've wrassled the daemons of your Abyss to a standstill, everything can only get better.

Well, that, or take a good long vacation. I considered that as well, before I said, "Life has problems. Problems are to be dealt with". And so I dealt with them.

[saimne]

So
Its new years day, and i'm sat at home feeling lonely.
talking to some freinds on MSN, realising just how bad the coming year is going to be. i've got stuff to hand in i havent done and dont care about, people to tolerate and try not to think about killing, and critically important performances to do on the four year anniversarry of y mothers death.

Its an overwhelming sea of lonliness that has seemingly hit everyone i know. this is at a little past midnight, so all included in the abive brackets are those who werent invited to parties. not that i care much bout parties. i mean "woo, lets all get drunk and have sex and give eachother dieases and die" is basically all i wish on most of the people i'm forced to interact with at school anyway.

I'm just feeling angry, lonely and sad at the moment. apologies for the rant, nd thanks for reading, i suppose.

edit: also woo, i have managed to upset a good freind who i had bit of a attraction to, as well. i hate you, new years day.

I see no one posted a reply to the above and felt kind of bad.

{Please just insert some random cliche'd response to how life is hard and you have to keep going.} Honestly, I don't have any other advice for you. Just wanted you to know that someone read you're post and wants you to feel better.

We (as in all people) have all been where you are in some way and most of us make it through just fine. Please be one of those people.

[ApatheticEntity]

First of all, my apologies if this thread's supposed to be dying. I merely wish to collect my thoughts in a manner I can view anywhere, and saving something to this computer's hard drive is a nuisance at best.

Second, you don't really need to read this. It's just the musings of some poor sap to himself, something everyone's heard countless times.

Third, the "you" that I refer to is, quite naturally, me. I've long since given up trying to organize my thoughts without relaying them as a narration to myself. It just ... works. Pardons for any grammar/spelling errors, I do try to type properly, but I'm not flawless.

Here I sit, typing my woes on a computer to a board full of people who'll very likely never meet me. This is how I'd planned my life out to be, of that I assure you. Twenty-three years old, working as security. Your average person by now has graduated from college, and is beginning an intrepid career in GENERIC THING X. And you? You can't even get your student loan paperwork done in time to get back in school. Overnight mallcop, the all-American dream. Overweight, neurotic, and you can't even conjure up the good graces to handle it like a sane person. At this point, I'm going to begin referring to "you" as the hapless reader who's stumbled upon my post and become enthralled with my near-radiant wit.

I've told you where I work, I've told you about my schooling issues. Were that only the extent of my worries, I'd be living in a golden dreamworld where I'd ride on unicorns with unlimited cookies. Sarcasm. My only defense against reality. I can't stand people, which is a hilarious joke when you consider I work at the mall. As security. But, I'm the only person I know who can't tolerate anyone standing within 2' of my person. That's two feet, I don't know if I typed the symbol correctly. When people stand closer than that, I feel some defense mechanisms kicking in. I tense up, as if readying to attack. My mind panics, and my breathing compensates for this(Which is kind of funny to picture, mind you. A fat man who panics when you stand near him). Finally, if someone physically touches me, especially someone I don't know, everything locks up for about five seconds. I stop talking, I stop thinking, I stop breathing. All I can do is think how much I'd like for said person to be destroyed. That's right, mere contact with me makes me wish for your death. If thoughts could kill, right? It normally takes five seconds before I can react to this, normally by immediately removing myself from whatever situation I'm in. If I'm waiting in a line, I'll go back to the end. If I'm sitting on a couch with friends, I'll get up and sit somewhere else. I've spent entirely too long harping upon this, I'll forget to mention my other neuroses.

I wear an awesome mask in public. You're seeing it right now, or you would be, if you were here with me now. It's what stops people from seeing the raving, pyschotic madman that calls itself my "alter ego". Instead, you see me. The guy who's sitting here, typing this out calmly and rationally. Just remember - Everyone else can say you're not crazy, but if you believe otherwise, who's in the right?

At least twice a week, I'll hit what I currently call a "black spot". What I mean by this is simple. My hopes, my dreams, my wishes, my thoughts, my feelings, my entire being simply becomes black. Emo, right? I'd call it more of a gothic attitude, though. What worries me about it, though, is that I seem to lose feeling in my limbs. Which is kind of fun, looking down and realizing that you cut yourself on something, and you've been bleeding down the hallway for quite some time.

I'm always tired, also. This one drives me nuts. If I sleep for four hours, if I sleep for nine, it doesn't matter. I'm just as tired when I wake up as I am when I go to sleep. At least now I can sleep in moving vehicles, but at the same time, I've adjusted to being so tired that I ... something. Something that can't be good.

I'm done, for now, with the exception of one more thing. I'm going to let you in on a secret. I've told this to two people over the years, and this admission is why you'll never learn my name from me. I once tried to kill myself. I shouldn't say once, I tried three nights running, but it didn't work. I'd read about someone overdosing and dying from taking 4 aspirin, and thought that'd be a nice easy way to go out. After a little research(Learned that you avoid Ibuprofen for this), I decided it'd be the proper way. The first night, I took twenty-three tylenol. I remember feeling like I was going to vomit as I took them, five at a time. Guess I wasn't sure about it, but still. Afterwards, I went to sleep. Nine hours later, I woke up. Surely that was a fluke! The next night, it was fifteen tylenol and twelve aspirin. And yet, the morning after, there I was - Lying in bed, groggy, confused. Night three - twelve tylenol, twelve aspirin, twelve ibuprofen. And yet, I'm still here typing this, right now, without ever being to a hospital.

For those of you who read my rantings ... Thanks? I'm currently going through one of the 'black spots' I mentioned before, and I thought this might help me not want to drive my truck into oncoming traffic. I thought wrong:smalltongue: - And yet, I'll be here tomorrow, wondering why I'm not man enough to destroy myself.

Meh. The eternal story of my life.

[Moxie]

I'm cracking up, falling down. I feel nervous all the time now. I want to run away. I want to start a new life with a new name and a new plan with some new pain. I feel like a hard boiled egg, shattered, my shell being peeled off, leaving me naked to the world. Will they accept me?

Will people accept me? Why would they, they have never accepted me in the past. They'll never accept me in the future, either. Does a change in name and a personality change anything? Does getting away from the pressures of my family help me?

I'm scared. And surprised, and anxious, and I know at a certain point of just going too deep into this feeling, my mind does a flip, and I just feel weird, alien. The smile on my face, the humor in the little things. It's those times when I have violent thoughts, and now I'm worried what I'd do. What people would say if they knew. I would never hurt a fly, of course. It's just not in my nature to do so.

I don't know anymore, and that's my greatest reason for worry. I'm lost, and I have no idea how to get back on my path. My path in life, my path academically, my path in everything. I'm scared. Not of anything specifically, just of everything at once.

[sktarq]

I'm cracking up, falling down..... I'm scared. Not of anything specifically, just of everything at once.

*Hugs* Meow? It'll be okay. Anything in particular getting you down? Any RW friends ytou can have drag you along with on wild adventures? We like helping when we can. Sorry Haven't been around for a bit-but we aren't running away from you too. And sorry for talking like a dweeb ATM but I feel like it. :smallredface:

BTW anyone seen Bor as of late?

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

BTW anyone seen Bor as of late?
I was wondering if anyone would notice. Only took a month, as my last post of significance was 12/9. Oh, I made a post a few days ago, asking to be dropped from a current contest...but I've had me a rough holiday season. :smallfrown:

While I spent some of the time doing good deeds, such as receiving some extra money to help the needy, and buying a LARGE box of diapers for some poor neighbors, I spent most of the holiday season with a perpetual cold. Between being lonely, sick, in pain, and several other factors, I have wanted to do little else than hide from the world. I spend most of my time hidden in my apartment, without a great deal to say on anything, as my mind is in a bad place.

So bad was my emotion state, made worse by my cold, that I had serious diabetes issues. There were days where I would lie in bed, considering hospitalization, and then fighting it because there was no one to care for my cat, Nike. Add to this that the weather of late has been causing my right foot pain. Previous surgeries and broken bones tend to ache when cold and rain swing by. Illness has prevented me from cleaning my apartment for MONTHS, and now my place is a disaster beyond my control.

Some goofy, illogical, emotional part of my head decided to see if I'd be missed if I went silent here. The longer my absence dragged on, the deeper my depression seemed to get. I answered a few private messages when they rolled in, but even that was difficult.

This is not where I was supposed to be at 40. Dreams in my youth had me as a teacher, making a semi-reasonable income, married, and with a growing family. Instead, I'm alone, living in a slum, in poverty, and wondering exactly where I went wrong.

I believe it was a Sunday, at 10:34 PM, back in 1967. But only G-d knows for sure. :smallfrown:

[SurlySeraph]

@^: Gah! If I'd known that that was why you weren't posting, I would have asked about you weeks ago - I thought you might want to take a break from posting here (emotional overload, want to spend more time IRL, etc.), or that you were just replying to people by PM. Bor, you of all people should know that it's hard for people to help you if you don't let them know you need help.

EDIT: "Sunday, at 10:34 PM, back in 1967." Is there a story behind that, and if so would you be willing share it? I'd be glad to hear about your life (sounds a lot more interesting than mine, even considering that you've had twice as long to accumulate interesting experiences), especially if it might help you with your depression.

EDIT EDIT: Wait, you're 40, and it's 2007. If you mean your birth, I swear... Bor, do you honestly not realize how much you've helped people, both those you know and those you don't? Your life has been full of hardship and suffering. But you've suffered in being kind to others, and so that you could benefit them more. Even if you're not happy, you should still take pride in your (rather incredible) ability to endure for the greater good.

[TigerHunter]

EDIT EDIT: Wait, you're 40, and it's 2007. If you mean your birth, I swear... Bor, do you honestly not realize how much you've helped people, both those you know and those you don't? Your life has been full of hardship and suffering. But you've suffered in being kind to others, and so that you could benefit them more. Even if you're not happy, you should still take pride in your (rather incredible) ability to endure for the greater good.
I can second this. Your kind words have helped me more than once.

[Raiser Blade]

I'm pretty sure I asked about you in Random Banter Bor.

I know I really missed you. I even considered posting about it here but then I checked youe profile to see when your last activity was and it wasn't that long ago so I figured you might just be taking a break.


I was worried. :smallfrown:

But I am glad you're back! Hopefully things will turn around for you. I'll be praying for you. :smallsmile:

[rubakhin]

Ah, I noticed you were gone too, Bor. (I figured you were just sick of listening to us whine. :P) Damn, after all you do for people, you can't even get anybody to feed your poor cat? What a world.

[smellie_hippie]

*offers extra hugs for Bor*

[Ossian]

Surprising how despite the increasing vastness of the mare magnum of the internet, friends can still track you no matter what, remeber you and hold you dear in their thoughts and not lose your voice in the noisy crowd.
I'll admit I don't know you very well Bor, although I have read your posts to get an idea of the technicalities of your situation (health and logistics, which is very much the bottom line for everything). I'm pretty sure there is no post, no matter how long and articulate, that can give the full account of your emotional state and of its shifts.

Your situation is a tough one, and looks like life has ben piling up on you as of lately (where lately seems to = 40 from your point of view). Well, I cannot blame you for a negative take on life, given the little (if any) encouraging events. Still, I feel like I must convey all my admiration for your fondness of Nike. I am a cat-lover, always had them around and to see another human being that puts constrains to his welfare because otherwise his friend might suffer is very honorable. So, loads of Kudos to you for that (you'd deserve respect for a lot more things, but that is perhaps best offered by those who really know how you feel, i.e. have been through the same kind of troubled waters).

What I feel like chipping in with is a piece of advice. It is so not going to heal your disease, but it might alleviate your ailment.
For one reason or another we all end up face down in the dirt at some stage.

Some of us have better reasons to enjoy their 300 rounds in a dazed condition than others. Some get a series of poor marks, get their college barred, then their mate breaks up and their car dies and they get allergy to cardboard and dog fur.
Some others get a lot more crap than that, when their body fails them at the worst possible moment just when life seems to be at its lowest financially and socially. If this happens to be in the USA all the worse (Moore docet...).

Yet both these broad groups and all the grey shades in between seem to have the same thing before their eyes: a dark dark dark tunnel, with the light at the end of it which is probably the headlamp of an oncoming train loaded with iron bars and brick. Man, that is so unfair. You get swamped in a mental state which compels you to make a very poor assesment of your life as a human being.
I do not dare to compare myself to you; my life is Disneyland with free vouchers compared. Yet, as I stated earlier, while you are in that swamp the sense of perspective is the last of your qualities.

I have personally thought more than once that my sole purpose on Earth was to increase the greenhouse effect by means of breathing. What has saved my hide more than once, and it's gong to save it more and more in the future, is memory. I know it has not always been like that. I know it's not me who is wrong or serving a life-sentence to abe a meaningless meatbag. I know that there have been days when the taste of things made me love the world, when I thought I was a good man, when I thought that there was a good reason if my friends loved me. All those good things were like hidden from my sight, like they were floating at the edges of my vison. Man I remeber that those things were before me even in days much worse, when there were many more tons of s**t and still I could see them.
So, I reckon, the ability to see things differently must be somewhere inside me, and is almost independent from the external situation.

I see that ALL that could go wrong is headed firmly in that direction, in your life; but I am also pretty sure that there is a switch, somewhere inside you, that is waiting only to be toggled-on. It cannot be ( I pray) that there has not been a single day in life when things were better and brighter. I am confidfent that undigging the memory of that day, and the awareness that it was bright because you were there, will help you shrug a bit of dust off you.

I wish you valor and strength in battle, Bor.

Ossian

PS
Sorry if some sentences sound involute or just plain wrong. They were all thought in the nice way, but I might have messed up with the sentence structure. Blasted double negations....SWITCH THIS FORUM TO ITALIAN FOR THE SAKE OF JULIUS CAESAR!!!

[bluewind95]

Man.... I really hope things get better for you, Bor...

I did notice your absence, but I've been in bad shape and simply couldn't piece any words together to ask how you were doing properly especially without sounding like a robot or something like that.

... Which I probably sound like anyways..

I really wish I knew what to say..

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I must say that I appreciate the sentiments people have given since my last post.

To be honest, the whole "woe is me" thing I have going on becomes tiresome to my own ears. I wish I could have some really good news for once, and then take on the numerous problems of others.

One of the most distressing things in my life is not me, per se, but someone whom I see often. I don't know her name. The fact is, I know little about her, other than what I see. She is a mentally ill, rail-thin, homeless woman. Two recent sightings of her brought my spirits to all new lows.

The first was on Christmas Eve. It's been quite cold here in Phoenix, or as cold as it will likely get in a desert. Around freezing on some nights, and Christmas was pretty cold around here. I saw this woman LYING ON THE SIDEWALK...nowhere to go...no one to help her. I would have taken her in for the night, if only for the one night, had I not known my nosy neighbors would report it to management, and I would be kicked out. (Yes, the management of my apartment complex actually frowns on helping the homeless...but this is because of ongoing issues with those who DO help the homeless...and then are kicked out.)

The other sighting was this past Monday, when I made a visit to my doctor. It was raining here, and I mean RAINING! I walked to my PCP's office. And there was the woman, shuffling with her cart along the street, getting soaked to the bone. Once again...nowhere to go...no one to help her.

I often look at my life as a kind of hell. I wallow in self-pity, bemoaning my lack of finances and health. And then I see someone in as bad a shape as this woman, and I want to beat myself up for DARING to think I have it bad. This woman seems fated to die alone in the streets, without a soul giving a damn about her.

Well, that's not exactly true. I care. If I were sitting on a few thousand dollars, I'd at least get her a motel room, and perhaps blow a decent amount of money on cab rides getting her to various agencies that might lend her aid. However, I strongly suspect aid has been rendered at one time, as I think she actually lived at my complex...but you can only lead the horse to water; etc.

Besides, I'm still chasing my own issues. My doctor switched me from Xanax to Valium to address my PTSD, and I'm busy trying to find a dose that will calm me without knocking me out. And while the broken bone in my big toe is almost completely healed, the pain in the joint of said toe seems to have increased. I made a call to my foot doc today, and haven't heard from him yet.

Oddly, I find myself thinking of Star Trek. I am such a Trekkie that I am even a member of the Nitpicker's Guild, earning such membership by pointing out a flaw in a Star Trek Next Generation episode. My thoughts, however, are not of the adventurous science fiction stories...but of the aspect of Earth that Gene Roddenbury created. People want for nothing. A person's only goal is the betterment of one's self. There are no homeless. There are no hungry. Medical care is provided without someone asking how you will be paying. Setting aside petty differences, not chasing after the next dollar, and helping your fellow man...Why is all this such a foreign thought today? :smallfrown:

[Mattarias, King.]

:smallsigh: Oh ye swords do I need this thread now. on a mood scale of 1-10, ten being happy, I'm a -25. :smallfrown:

Backstory: College.
Longer backstory: classes were NOT treating me well, every assignment was too hard, all of them dure not even two days into the future, etcetera. it wasn't pleasant. stress just kept piling up, I would've started drinking if my girlfriend wouldn't've killed me for it..
the long and short of it:... well.. I failed. horribly.

Now: I can't go back to school for the next semester, my parents are furious and were discussing shipping me off somewhere. they want me to get a job or into a new college by the time break ends (the 20th), maybe sooner.. and, well.. i just can't take this stress anymore.
It's tearing me apart, mentally and physically- I'm getting aches in places I didn't even know could hurt! I know my problems are probably trivial compare to others, but.. well..
What do I do? :smallfrown:

[Apex]

Well why don't you take a break from study, work during the semester, and repeat your failed classes when you can?

[Gitman00]

Oddly, I find myself thinking of Star Trek. I am such a Trekkie that I am even a member of the Nitpicker's Guild, earning such membership by pointing out a flaw in a Star Trek Next Generation episode. My thoughts, however, are not of the adventurous science fiction stories...but of the aspect of Earth that Gene Roddenbury created. People want for nothing. A person's only goal is the betterment of one's self. There are no homeless. There are no hungry. Medical care is provided without someone asking how you will be paying. Setting aside petty differences, not chasing after the next dollar, and helping your fellow man...Why is all this such a foreign thought today? :smallfrown:

Because, unfortunately, Star Trek takes an unrealistically optimistic view of human nature. Selfishness and pride are so much a part of the human animal that utopia is truly impossible. I'm reminded of Jayne Cobb in the Firefly episode "Jaynestown":

"You think there's someone just gonna drop money on ya?! Money they could use?! Well, there ain't people like that. There's just people like me."

It's why true heroes are so rare, and so admired. Being selfless goes against our very nature.

[Mattarias, King.]

Well why don't you take a break from study, work during the semester, and repeat your failed classes when you can?

Well, for one thing, I dunno how work will help, if at all, and I really doubt anyone'd wanna hire someone like me for a semester.

...Not to mention, the way things have been going, I'd probably get fired a few days in. :smallsigh:

[Narmoth]

Because, unfortunately, Star Trek takes an unrealistically optimistic view of human nature. Selfishness and pride are so much a part of the human animal that utopia is truly impossible. I'm reminded of Jayne Cobb in the Firefly episode "Jaynestown":

"You think there's someone just gonna drop money on ya?! Money they could use?! Well, there ain't people like that. There's just people like me."

It's why true heroes are so rare, and so admired. Being selfless goes against our very nature.

Yes shure.
I can come up with a lot of examples to the contrary.
Just think of organisations like the red cross, medicians sans frontiers, and all volonteer work.

And helthcare is free in several countries.
And a lot of good work is done with taxpayer money
And a lot of people fight greed. And give away their money to help others, be it donations to research, disaster relief or powery aid.

And even if an utopia is impossible, it's a goal we can get closer to.
Because it's not the few truly corrupt persons that stand in the way, but all those who say that things can't be better, that we should steal to us all of value in stead of sharing, for nobody will share with us.

Life migt suck. But it doesn't mean that that's the only way it can be

[OzRic_The_Unhinged]

OK, I have had PTSD, I've been blinded in an accident and thought I'd never see again. I've suffered from depression. I've had to sit throught an entire episode of Star Trek once 'cos the garlic bread and pizza wasn't ready.

Everyone on here, you CAN get through all this cr*p. I did, lots and lots of other people do. Just remember that you can, thats all. There IS light at the end of the tunnel (yeah I know,, its a 40 ton artic with its lights on heading your way...).

This thread is very valuable because it gives people the chance to do what I personally believe can beat depression... Talking, communicating, telling people what you think and above all trying yourself so hard to improve. Thats what brought me out of it all.
I despise the 'victim' culture of depression.
"You're depressed ? Take these drugs"
No I won't, that doesn't cure me that just takes the problem away and I don't get better and you still get paid anyway Doc.
Or like the movies - depressed? drink lots and be all moody against a scenic background...

No I won't live my life like that.

You only get 70-80 odd years on this planet if you're lucky. So you have to do something. YOU are the only person who can do anything about your problems. The drugs/drink/smoking/comfort food just keep you operating and functioning. You'll get lots of help if you ask the right people
but the only person who will really do anything is YOU. So stop being a victim and start fighting back is what I say. Its your life, and every little improvement is a victory.

One guy was saying he wasn't man enough to kill himself, sorry bud, wrong way round. Its the getting up every single d*mn day and fighting it that makes a person a hero. Killing yourself is the easy way out....

best of luck !

[Moxie]

I made an oath a while ago not to even think of suicide. It doesn't even cross my mind. On top of that, I've made an oath to my self not to resort to self destructive means, and therefor I swear off all drugs, including alcohol, and to hesitate upon taking a medication until I am certain that it will cause more improvement to my status than harm.

So when I get depressed, I need to talk about it, there isn't much choice. Problem is, not everyone will listen when you need it most.

[Gitman00]

Yes shure.
I can come up with a lot of examples to the contrary.
Just think of organisations like the red cross, medicians sans frontiers, and all volonteer work.

And helthcare is free in several countries.
And a lot of good work is done with taxpayer money
And a lot of people fight greed. And give away their money to help others, be it donations to research, disaster relief or powery aid.

And even if an utopia is impossible, it's a goal we can get closer to.
Because it's not the few truly corrupt persons that stand in the way, but all those who say that things can't be better, that we should steal to us all of value in stead of sharing, for nobody will share with us.

Life migt suck. But it doesn't mean that that's the only way it can be

You're missing the point, although I admit my last post was kind of a downer. Sorry for coming across so negative, but I'm not advocating despair. Far from it! I'm not saying there's no good in human nature. If that were the case, this thread wouldn't be here! I'm simply pointing out that we must acknowledge our own brokenness and the evil in our nature before we can seriously make an effort to overcome it. The reason a true utopia a la Star Trek will never happen is because human beings are not perfect.

The evil we see in every heinous act... that potential is in each one of us. If I believe I'm basically good, I'll never strive to improve. The kind of selfishness displayed by Jayne Cobb is inside me. It's easy to do the wrong thing; it's so much harder to do the right thing. But we want to do the right thing, because it's right. We strive toward making the world a better place, because something in us tells us that something is seriously wrong with this world. Hell, you can look at the news and see that.

What I've come to understand is that what's wrong with the world is people. It's not just a case of a few evil people oppressing the basically good masses. It's a systemic problem with the whole human race, and that includes you and me. If humanity as a whole is getting better, then why was the 20th century the bloodiest in history, and why did Nietsche predict that it would be so?

To do wrong is in our nature, and it will be so until the end of the world. But to do right, when everything in the world, and everything in ourselves, tells us to do otherwise, that takes courage. And so I salute everyone who chooses to do the right thing, when it would be easier, safer, or more profitable to do wrong. You are my heroes.

To everyone who reads this, don't ever give up! Don't look for a Star Trek utopia. Look for what you can do right now to make someone's life better. Remember that the moment you have is now. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come. Live your life today. Today is the gift you've been given. Today you have been blessed. Be a blessing to someone else!

Dear friends in the Playground, don't ever imagine that it's hopeless. You're alive, and so am I. That means there's hope. I believe in you! :smallsmile:

[Apex]

Well, for one thing, I dunno how work will help, if at all, and I really doubt anyone'd wanna hire someone like me for a semester.

...Not to mention, the way things have been going, I'd probably get fired a few days in. :smallsigh:

Well ok, so what are your options?

If assumed that you want to finish your course, then you can either go off to another uni/college, or if you want to stay at the same college, take a break from study and enrol in the semester that your failed classes start.

Can you change courses if you want to easily in your college? If so then maybe have a look into that, and look for any courses you might enjoy (more).

Or you could just abandon getting tertiary education and join the work force. You don't need an education to be successful. Although I'd recommend finishing your studies.

If you do take a break from study, don't just stay at home all day, you'll end up messing yourself up. I'm sure most men feel pretty down when they aren't working or studying, it gives them no sense of purpose and for a month when I was doing neither once, even though I was starting work at the end of the month, I felt ashamed and emasculated. Furthermore it'll give you the chance to save up some money for your college semester. So don't be rediculous when saying work wouldn't help. What else could you do during a break? I'm sure in the future when you are applying for a job, the employer wouldn't look to fondly on the big gap in your CV with nothing being done. I am very confident you could find work for this 3-5 month period.

And finally, what do you mean by "...the way things have been going, I'd probably get fired a few days in"??
Do you have some kind of debilitating disease that makes you useless? Or is there some uncontrollable factor that guarantees you will always be late? Off the top of my head I can't think of anything else that can't be fixed that will hastily get you fired.

[Volug]

Dear friends in the Playground, don't ever imagine that it's hopeless. You're alive, and so am I. That means there's hope. I believe in you! :smallsmile:

Best words ever spoken on these forums.

[Mattarias, King.]

Well ok, so what are your options?

If assumed that you want to finish your course, then you can either go off to another uni/college, or if you want to stay at the same college, take a break from study and enrol in the semester that your failed classes start.

Can you change courses if you want to easily in your college? If so then maybe have a look into that, and look for any courses you might enjoy (more).

Or you could just abandon getting tertiary education and join the work force. You don't need an education to be successful. Although I'd recommend finishing your studies.

If you do take a break from study, don't just stay at home all day, you'll end up messing yourself up. I'm sure most men feel pretty down when they aren't working or studying, it gives them no sense of purpose and for a month when I was doing neither once, even though I was starting work at the end of the month, I felt ashamed and emasculated. Furthermore it'll give you the chance to save up some money for your college semester. So don't be rediculous when saying work wouldn't help. What else could you do during a break? I'm sure in the future when you are applying for a job, the employer wouldn't look to fondly on the big gap in your CV with nothing being done. I am very confident you could find work for this 3-5 month period.

And finally, what do you mean by "...the way things have been going, I'd probably get fired a few days in"??
Do you have some kind of debilitating disease that makes you useless? Or is there some uncontrollable factor that guarantees you will always be late? Off the top of my head I can't think of anything else that can't be fixed that will hastily get you fired.

... Well, my options are either a) apply to a new college in the meantime, or b) get a job. also c) get kicked out of my home. But that's beside the point. :smallannoyed:

I'm going for option A, but I'm unsure how to go about that. What do I apply as? transfer student? new freshman? Also, I don't know how to get them my papers- transcript and stuff.

There's also the question of whether or not I can get financial aid for the new school, and if any actually take students for a single semester. I dunno.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

You know...It would be infinitely easier on my depression if my family would accept me for who and what I am.

My father wants me to come to Florida for a visit. He will be using credit card miles to get the tickets, so the trip will basically cost nothing. I called him today to ask if he'd made the arrangements yet, and we had the following conversation:

Dad: When you're down here, we're the only people allowed to kvetch. Not you.
("Kvetch" is Yiddish for "complain.")
Me: Oh, sorry Dad. It's just that when I'm asked how I am, I tend to be...well, honest.
Dad: Yeah. But when I ask, I don't want to hear the truth.
Me: Oh. So you want nothing but happy lies, is that it?
Dad: Right. Exactly.
Me: Okay, Dad. Everything's great. I won the lottery, and I have half a dozen girls waiting for me in my hot tub.
Dad: I want lies, not stupid.
Me: Fine, Dad. Not even worth asking anymore, because I'm perpetually great. That work for you?
Dad: Perfect.

This seemingly minor argument all stemmed from me saying, as casually as I could, that the toe I smashed up is still plaguing me with pain. He also reacted negatively when I mentioned that I worry about him and my step-mom, to which I replied, "Yeah...Can you imagine the silliness? A son worrying about his parents. Go figure."

He took all my comments in stride, but I didn't take his the same way. After four hours of sleep, I'm awake, reflecting on what was said, and I'm sorely tempted to call him again and tell him to cancel the idea of a trip. The line that courses through my head..."Sorry, Dad, but you want a visit from your happy, healthy son, and that's not me." :smallfrown:

Sadly, I'll go anyway. I will likely spend the whole visit popping anti-anxiety meds while I'm there to remain in a blissful stupor and/or asleep. The reason being that my Dad will be 77 in March, and our family history doesn't dictate living past 80.

I really wish there was a way to fix my life. This one seems entirely too broken.

[BlackMage2549]

I made an oath a while ago not to even think of suicide. It doesn't even cross my mind. On top of that, I've made an oath to my self not to resort to self destructive means, and therefor I swear off all drugs, including alcohol, and to hesitate upon taking a medication until I am certain that it will cause more improvement to my status than harm.

So when I get depressed, I need to talk about it, there isn't much choice. Problem is, not everyone will listen when you need it most.

How does that work out for you? I'd think with the combination of the three, one would become impossible.

Me? I drink alcohol. Nothing better than the spiralling bleak darkness that welcomes you when you go to sleep drunk. Just remember to drink lots of water before you go down, and you avoid the hangover.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

How does that work out for you? I'd think with the combination of the three, one would become impossible.

Me? I drink alcohol. Nothing better than the spiralling bleak darkness that welcomes you when you go to sleep drunk. Just remember to drink lots of water before you go down, and you avoid the hangover.

Forgive me, but this kind of advice is no advice at all. I've seen too many people succumb to the error of self-medicating via alcohol or drugs. Yes, it is probably easier to drink one's self into a stupor to blot out one's pain, but in the end it only creates more problems. Whenever I come across such thinking, I am reminded of The Little Prince, who came upon a man whose entire message came to: "I drink to get drunk to forget that I'm ashamed of my drinking." It is a terrible circle to enter.

We of the Depression Thread come here to dispense advice that is beneficial or listen to those who need to vent. Of late, I haven't been much help, whining about my own issues. Still, I must speak out against such self-destructive advice.

Now, before the lack of vocal tone on the internet makes you believe that I am flaming, trolling, or anything similar, understand that that is NOT my nature. I will not tell you how to live your life or make an attempt to insult you. "Drink yourself to oblivion," however, is something I equate to "kill yourself and get it over with already." There is no kindness in it. There is no true benefit to it. The problem remains unaddressed, and therefore stays with the person suffering.

To exemplify this, I'm thinking of my foot. For those who don't know, I tripped over a curb and smashed up my right big toe. I actually split the surface of the second bone in the toe length-wise. Now I'm experiencing pain in the joint of the big toe. My PCP gave me painkillers, which is all well and good when addressing the pain I'm in. But pain meds bringing me a narcotic haze doesn't actually fix what's hurting. I have a call in to my podiatrist and am awaiting a call back so we can discuss how to fix the problem.

Better you should offer something like an online hug than offer up what could only be self-destructive advice. :smallwink:

[Redpieper]

Here's a story that cheered me up for today, even though I don't believe in god.

http://www.smileycollector.com/Lunch.htm

Just thought I'd share it with you all :smallsmile:

[Raiser Blade]

You know...It would be infinitely easier on my depression if my family would accept me for who and what I am.

My father wants me to come to Florida for a visit. He will be using credit card miles to get the tickets, so the trip will basically cost nothing. I called him today to ask if he'd made the arrangements yet, and we had the following conversation:



Now I don't know your family so take my advice accordingly.

Maybe your dad has a point. I know right know with everything that's going on it's hard for you to "pretend" like it's all good.
But maybe it would be good for you to go relax and see your family without worrying about any of your problems. Try and enjoy the trip Bor. Think of it like a vacation.

[Winterwind]

Here's a story that cheered me up for today, even though I don't believe in god.

http://www.smileycollector.com/Lunch.htm

Just thought I'd share it with you all :smallsmile:A great story.

Thank you, Redpieper, that was exactly what I needed right now.

[rubakhin]

Here's a story that cheered me up for today, even though I don't believe in god.

http://www.smileycollector.com/Lunch.htm

Just thought I'd share it with you all :smallsmile:

Man, there are things wrong with me. I read the whole thing waiting for the poor kid to get raped. Then I had to poke around the website because I couldn't believe it wasn't some NAMBLA thing. Jeeziz, I have issues.

Which is kind of why I'm in this thread, yeah. I don't know. I've sort of flat-lined lately. I just don't feel anything at all. I've stopped writing. I've stopped caring about whether or not I ever see Russia or my boyfriend again. (which is especially weird because Sasha kicked the broad he was screwing around with to the curb and is working on coming to see me, and we'll probably get together sometime after he comes back to America in a few days.) I've stopped caring that my friends are dead. I don't even read or listen to music much anymore, although I managed to read a few books the other day. I talk in this deadpan, in short, blunt sentences. I don't feel like I'm bottling things up or anything, or forcing myself to be in a good mood. It's more like it's not there anymore. Kinda like I've been killed off inside somehow, that part of me is just gone. I guess it's okay. I'm calmer. Not unhappy anymore. Or maybe I'm happy? Honestly, I'm not really sure what happiness is like for people. Or maturity; maybe I've just grown up. I guess this is preferable to suffering all the time. My suffering wasn't doing me any good. Maybe I was writing more and reading more, but that wasn't doing me any good either.

I've started hustling a little, and things in my life are actually starting to happen. I'm saving up to get the two forms of ID that I need to work at the factories, and to get the piano tuned, and after that maybe I can get medical/dental insurance or save up to get my cavities filled. It's kind of weird, though. I just can't save money. I keep buying books. Dozens of them. I'm doing my thing in the parking garage of a shopping mall and I don't even get home with the money. I don't read the books, like I said I've been having trouble reading lately, or even really want them - I've got these translations of the Turgenev or whatever, that I don't need because I can just read it in the original online, or the public-domain Constance Garnett translation - but I keep buying them. I'm not sure if it's some weird psychological thingy or if it's just that I've never in my life had more than seventy dollars or so at one time (except once, when I managed to land a couple hundred dollars for bus tickets to get the hell out of Connecticut for a few days), and I've have never had to provide for myself, consequentially I have no self-control when it comes to money. I've also been over-eating. Christ, I hope I don't get fat. I'd be out of a livelihood. I wish I were more mature about this sort of thing.

I mean, I know objectively that all this is bad for me, especially since I'm not too careful about protection (I know, I know) but like I said I'm really not feeling good or bad about it, or about anything else, either. Goddamn, I just don't know, is this an improvement? Should I worry about it? Is there anything I can do about it if I should be worried? Or just congratulate myself for achieving equilibrium for the time being?

Concerned about what Sasha thinks about this business. He seems pretty okay with it. I told him the other day on the phone that I've been hustling. He yelled "SERIOUSLY?!" and it's funny to me in retrospect because his voice started out normal and hit a high-pitched squeak on the second syllable. And since he has a deep Russian guy voice, that's a pretty long way to go. Heh. And then he went "Well, I'm very sorry to hear that!" With incredible sincerity. I had no idea you could say "I'm very sorry to hear that" in such a sincere voice. Which was also funny to me. Only - he was at the airport when he called. He always does a lot better when he's outside Connecticut - I wonder if this place is hell for everybody or just for Russian people - so he's had a few weeks to think about it with a clear mind. He's a Yale grad, good-looking, rich, a fine person, and except for me is interested in women. He does not need to be dating a nineteen-year-old hustler with grand and operatic emotional problems. I've always thought that my one redeeming quality was my writing, and I'm not really doing that anymore, it seems - you know, I just can't, not after what happened with Akhmed - so I feel bad that I'm still with him. He could be happy with anyone, he just needs affection and attention, and he'd have so much less pain in his life if he weren't in love with me. Before it was sort of okay, because I was a Writer, a Poet Translator. A future Hero of the Russian Federation! So if people suffered a little because of me, okay, I would just work harder at my next novel. I would become good enough that my art could redeem me, and it would all even out in the end. Only now I'm just a rentboy.

Plus he probably told his mom, who has been preventing us from seeing each other for the past several months. I can't imagine this has raised my esteem in her eyes.

Ach, well. I should just be working on getting down to Mexico with my friends, who keep wanting to send me down there to visit them. That keeps getting pushed back. Said something about February last time I talked to her. Probably it'll never happen.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Now I don't know your family so take my advice accordingly.

Maybe your dad has a point. I know right know with everything that's going on it's hard for you to "pretend" like it's all good.
But maybe it would be good for you to go relax and see your family without worrying about any of your problems. Try and enjoy the trip Bor. Think of it like a vacation.

You are correct, Raiser...You don't know my family.

My last visit was quite the adventure. You see, along the way, I had a layover at an airport in TX, and decided to spend part of the two hours eating. Lucky me, I picked up a parasite in the food. But I didn't know this. I spent two weeks basically being made to feel guilty that I was sick. I kid you not...my father actually yelled at me for having digestive problems...as though it was some kind of evil plan I'd conjured to ruin my trip. :smallconfused:

Even before I had an inkling I was ill, the guilt trip had started mere hours after my arrival. I dunno...Maybe it's a Jewish thing, where guilt MUST be heaped upon the child by the parents. I could do no right. At one point, I got a lecture because I was drinking so many fluids, as my Ultram tends to make me thirsty.

:smallsigh:

I love my Dad. I really do. When the rest of my family turned their collective backs on my, he was the one who continued to stay in touch with me, calling me once a week while I was hospitalized for 97 days. I think he simply doesn;t want to accept that I'm not well, and that I will never truly be healthy ever again. I can only shoot for status quo. Oddly, I am more relaxed when I'm home, panicking over my health and finances. A visit to my Dad's will be no vacation...but I am obligated to go, if only to make sure I have no regrets down the road that I missed an opportunity to see him.

[Raiser Blade]

You are correct, Raiser...You don't know my family.
*snippity snip snip*

I'm sorry that you have to be stressed out. :smallfrown:

Good luck on your trip (I hope you don't get sick this time).

[TigerHunter]

I'm in Ann Arbor for a debate conference. Right now the Delegate dance is going on, and I know I should go down, but I just don't want to. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a blast here (here being the conference, not my hotel room), but right now I'm suddenly back where I was before--sitting up in my room on the computer while everyone I know is out having fun.
And I don't want to go out, even. A friend of mine who I never get to see (whole 'nother issue with that) is trying to encourage me to hang out with people around me more often. Sometimes I think "She's right, I really should." Other times I just think "I don't want that."
I'm not happy where I am, but I'm too shy to go out and try to change it. Is that it, though? I doubt anyone who knows me well would consider me shy, since I have a reputation for being outspoken. Maybe being picked on in Grade School (always that old excuse) jaded my views about friends, and I'm just afraid to move on from the few people I was close to in those days. It took me eight years to become accepted with my classmates, what hope do I have of becoming friends with some of them in the year and a half I have left?

I've reached the point where I'm not done putting out all my thoughts, but they've become so jumbled up that I can't organize them well enough to make them into words. Maybe that's the problem. Whenever I try and deal with things, my thoughts just get so complex and jumbled that I just give up.



Anyone considering posting--just do it. No problem is too small. We don't think you're petty, and your post does NOT sound stupid. Typing it out helps. Trust me.

[Thes Hunter]

I'm in Ann Arbor for a debate conference. Right now the Delegate dance is going on, and I know I should go down, but I just don't want to. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a blast here (here being the conference, not my hotel room), but right now I'm suddenly back where I was before--sitting up in my room on the computer while everyone I know is out having fun.
And I don't want to go out, even. A friend of mine who I never get to see (whole 'nother issue with that) is trying to encourage me to hang out with people around me more often. Sometimes I think "She's right, I really should." Other times I just think "I don't want that."
I'm not happy where I am, but I'm too shy to go out and try to change it. Is that it, though? I doubt anyone who knows me well would consider me shy, since I have a reputation for being outspoken. Maybe being picked on in Grade School (always that old excuse) jaded my views about friends, and I'm just afraid to move on from the few people I was close to in those days. It took me eight years to become accepted with my classmates, what hope do I have of becoming friends with some of them in the year and a half I have left?

I've reached the point where I'm not done putting out all my thoughts, but they've become so jumbled up that I can't organize them well enough to make them into words. Maybe that's the problem. Whenever I try and deal with things, my thoughts just get so complex and jumbled that I just give up.



Anyone considering posting--just do it. No problem is too small. We don't think you're petty, and your post does NOT sound stupid. Typing it out helps. Trust me.

Ahh man. I wish I would have seen this last night. I would have told you to go run around in the Arb. Tis a blast. Take friends, it's even more fun. But just watch out for public safety. The best way to avoid them is not to make any noise in the front of the park, and avoid the main trails.

Since Ann Arbor was my home for many a year, I can give you a lot of good tips on good places to hang out, if you feel like doing something, without the need to be social.

There is a cafe near the main street area that is special to me. It's special because I spent many a night writing down my thoughts, trying to sort them out, until they became so jumbled I just couldn't think anymore. Some how, even though I was dealing with a lot of frustration, that place comforted me, and I could just sit and be, I guess me, until such a time that the tangle of my mind would unravel, and I could start making sense of my feelings again.
If you still have time in Ann Arbor, and want a nice cafe to hang out in before Midnight each night, try Sweetwaters. And I am talking about the location across from Grizzly Peak, and not the one in Kerrytown.

[Zarrexaij]

I know this is petty but I really need to get this off my chest...

It's been driving me crazy. I've actually been single for a while, but all that time people have known my boyfriend (ex, technically) is no longer around, well, only one creepo has really showed interest in me. I don't notice anyone looking at me, no one just suddenly decides to talk to me, nothing. I know I can easily start a relationship in college, but feeling like no one finds me that interesting has got me really, really depressed ever since my ex admitted he wasn't attracted to me anymore. And do I find anyone here attractive? Not particularly, except for a teacher I had. I got over the guilt of having a crush on him. The only two people I've had a crush on this year ended up with girlfriends fast. Plus, they turned out to be stupid, spineless, and maladjusted. I just can't seem to find anyone who is as attracted to me as I am to them.

It's not something I should really be worrying about, but it's making me VERY depressed in the first place....

I really miss physical contact too, hugging my ex and having him hold me. That's the part I miss the most. The affection.

[Redpieper]

I know this is petty but I really need to get this off my chest...

It's been driving me crazy. I've actually been single for a while, but all that time people have known my boyfriend (ex, technically) is no longer around, well, only one creepo has really showed interest in me. I don't notice anyone looking at me, no one just suddenly decides to talk to me, nothing. I know I can easily start a relationship in college, but feeling like no one finds me that interesting has got me really, really depressed ever since my ex admitted he wasn't attracted to me anymore. And do I find anyone here attractive? Not particularly, except for a teacher I had. I got over the guilt of having a crush on him. The only two people I've had a crush on this year ended up with girlfriends fast. Plus, they turned out to be stupid, spineless, and maladjusted. I just can't seem to find anyone who is as attracted to me as I am to them.

It's not something I should really be worrying about, but it's making me VERY depressed in the first place....

I really miss physical contact too, hugging my ex and having him hold me. That's the part I miss the most. The affection.

That isn't petty at all,

I can understand why you feel like such, it is harsh to hear of someone you love/like that he/she finds you unattractive. But that doesn't mean the billions of other men will find the same.
Yes that's the old cliché of more fish in the sea, it's true though.
Even though you don't see men expressing interest in you, does not mean they do not have it.
A lot of men are shy, it can be really difficult to confess you like someone.

Body language can be a signal for them to give up beforehand.
Try analyzing your typical body language, you say it makes you depressed. Well being depressed can make your body language give the signal "go away" (I notice it in myself at least, talking to me can be like a cold shower....of acid.)
A smile at the right time can be all a guy needs to try.

Regardless of my, no doubt, bad advice keep hanging in there. When you least expect it there will be that one guy :smallsmile:


A great story.

Thank you, Redpieper, that was exactly what I needed right now.

I'm really glad to read that, off to bed now though (yikes)

[TigerHunter]

Here's a story that cheered me up for today, even though I don't believe in god.

http://www.smileycollector.com/Lunch.htm

Just thought I'd share it with you all :smallsmile:
After posting, I went back and read that. It's very sweet, and is now bookmarked for whenever I'm in need of a lift up.

[Ossian]

You are correct, Raiser...You don't know my family.
[......]I love my Dad. I really do. When the rest of my family turned their collective backs on my, he was the one who continued to stay in touch with me, calling me once a week while I was hospitalized for 97 days. I think he simply doesn;t want to accept that I'm not well, and that I will never truly be healthy ever again.

Wow. I mean, this is a very sorry stupor. How an entire family can turn their back to a son/brother/nephew is really hard to grasp. I take it you have never had an evil-overlord scheme against them, insult religion or try to torch the synagogue. We,, if you still love your dad, despite all the adversities, perhaps there is still some hope left.

Well, anyway Bor, I don't know if that is going to cheer you up a little bit or just upset you, but when I was thinking my character for a PBP game here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=67209&page=3) I thought about you. It was so simple, and I made...roll the drums....a Barbarian Monk!!!! Ok, the guy is just at the opposite end of the ethics and morality arch from you....but...he's A BARBARIAN MONK!
Take it a small homage to you.
:smallbiggrin:

[CurlyKitGirl]

Well, to take a leaf from your book: It's time for a Curly story.

About fifteen years ago when my uncle was twenty he joined the Territorials. He got trained and was going to be an official TA when he had a grand mal seizure. Bad. He was diagnosed as a severe epileptic and spent about five weeks in hospital for various tests.
At first my grandparents (Granny was still alive) refused to accept he was ill even when he had a grand mal about once or twice a week on average and about six or seven petit mal a day.
This went for for six months. Then when they accepted his illness they refused to let him complain.
Now, because of the severity his of fits he had to stay with his parents. Even though the meds sometimes made him ill and his fits made him unable to take proper care of himself they acted rather like your parents seem to act.
My mum rationalised this by saying that that they were afraid for him.
There was nothing they could do for him or to cure him.
They were helpless and could only stand by and watch his life collape around him.
They were afraid for him and didn't want to know how much it hurt.

I'm not saying that this is the case for everyone. But it's a possibility that they're frightened for you.

[sktarq]

... I don't notice anyone looking at me, no one just suddenly decides to talk to me, nothing. I know I can easily start a relationship in college, but feeling like no one finds me that interesting has got me really, really depressed ever since my ex admitted he wasn't attracted to me anymore.

Yep dead right with the smile and body language statement. Also have you tried just chatting with people yourself? Not nessesarily ones you are attracted too? Pick up a few new friends, have reasons to have that smile, and meet new circles of people who don't assosiate you with your ex. As for meeting those new people are you showing up in socially open places? Most people assume you want to be left alone if you are curled up in the corner of the library but maybe not if you are reading the same book in a bistro.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Well, to take a leaf from your book: It's time for a Curly story.

About fifteen years ago when my uncle was twenty he joined the Territorials. He got trained and was going to be an official TA when he had a grand mal seizure. Bad. He was diagnosed as a severe epileptic and spent about five weeks in hospital for various tests.
At first my grandparents (Granny was still alive) refused to accept he was ill even when he had a grand mal about once or twice a week on average and about six or seven petit mal a day.
This went for for six months. Then when they accepted his illness they refused to let him complain.
Now, because of the severity his of fits he had to stay with his parents. Even though the meds sometimes made him ill and his fits made him unable to take proper care of himself they acted rather like your parents seem to act.
My mum rationalised this by saying that that they were afraid for him.
There was nothing they could do for him or to cure him.
They were helpless and could only stand by and watch his life collape around him.
They were afraid for him and didn't want to know how much it hurt.

I'm not saying that this is the case for everyone. But it's a possibility that they're frightened for you.
I would have to say you're pretty much on target there, Curly. The issue now is that Dad is trying to take his denial and shove it down my throat. Not only is in not working in his favor, but making me feel worse.

I just got off the phone with my friend Julie, and she also has no answers for me. Her greatest fear is the damage that would be done should I go to visit. Between the perpetual guilt heaped upon me and this fantasy my father wants me to share in - that I'm not nearly as ill as I am - could crush my spirits. Neither she nor I is thrilled about me having to retreat to medications to be able to cope with a visit that should be pleasant. We both know it won't be a vacation of any kind, and that's a sad statement on its own.

My frame of mind is changing. Where I wanted to go visit my father, I am starting to feel obligated to go; the same way my father feels obligated to have me visit. One should WANT to see loved ones, not feel that they MUST see loved ones. :smallfrown:

[The Bushranger]

I want you to know that I'm feeling very depressed...

There's no real reason, it's just a mood that I fall into every once in a blue moon (thankfully not that often). But I'm megableh/depressed/emo tonight...if y'all could say a quick prayer or whatever for it to pass quickly, it would be greatly appreciated.

[Redpieper]

I want you to know that I'm feeling very depressed...

There's no real reason, it's just a mood that I fall into every once in a blue moon (thankfully not that often). But I'm megableh/depressed/emo tonight...if y'all could say a quick prayer or whatever for it to pass quickly, it would be greatly appreciated.

What I find helpful if I'm feeling down is distraction, play a game, read a book and make yourself some hot choco. It works for me.

Also: http://www.gaspirtz.com/dp/1-2.htm

I hope you feel better soon

[The Bushranger]

Thank you.

[Zarrexaij]

A lot of men are shy, it can be really difficult to confess you like someone.I don't know any girls that have a shortage of guys who come up and say they like them. :smallsigh:


Well being depressed can make your body language give the signal "go away" (I notice it in myself at least, talking to me can be like a cold shower....of acid.)
A smile at the right time can be all a guy needs to try.Well, the reason why I'm so depressed is because I feel unattractive to others. It's hard to not give away those signals. And I don't believe in decieving myself or others into believing that I'm a confident person.

I talk to people if they'll talk to me. I'm extremely shy, and my social phobia and stutter makes it four times as hard to approach someone.

[Milanius]

I apologize for the long and perhaps needless post. After all, most of you good people are perfect strangers and this is unnecessary intrusion.

If misery and loneliness were water mass, this thread would be Caspian Sea. And I would drown in it, were I not always vigilant, always untrusty and paranoid. Well, not always.

I didn't read the entire 46 pages, that would get me even more depressed. Too many similar experiences, I presume, and intersecting points with my life. Two posters, however, made impact on me: one is the Barbarian monk and the second is Zarrexaij.

Although I don't know him, Bor's life seems frighteningly similar to where I'm headed; not to mention a father I have that ALWAYS blames me when i get sick [and I have good share of sickness in my life] and seems to not have a mild, kind bone in his body. I hope you get resolute and cancel the trip, Bor. To hell with guilt, you are right - a child should want to love and visit parents, not feel obliged to do so.

Zarrexaij, on the other hand, is someone who I care for much. That's why reading about her misery deals double damage to me. It's easy to not give a damn about someone's misfortune, if that someone is a perfect stranger, but... get to know a person and you suddenly care and feel gripping inside of you when you see they're as lonely and miserable as you are, perhaps even more - and there is nothing I can do to make that person feel better. I hope you get some self-esteem, because [saying this for 200.000.0000th time] you don't lack in looks.

Life is a bitter, dirty fight, which we all lose sooner or later. No need to quit fighting before your time, though. At least that's what I keep telling myself in the mornings.

With all that said, let me share a bit of personal info at the end. I'm a 30-yr old single white male, living with two very ill parents. I was unemployed for quite a long time, until lately, but the hard and tedious work isn't making me feel better about myself yet. Right now, it takes one hell of motivation and truckload of willpower for me to get out of bed in mornings. Food doesn't taste as good as it did before. Music, it's still good, but more and more useless as a mood lifter. Not even going to talk about loneliness and feeling that I've failed everyone, including myself, for not having offspring yet; the fact is presumed. As a cherry on the top, there isn't a day without thoughts of self-eradication [nice euphemism, huh?]; what stops me every time is: 1. Cowardice; 2. Thought that I might be somewhat useful to someone. When those two conditions become obsolete, I'll re-evaluate my 'usefulness'.

Now excuse me, I'm of to hide in some shadow.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I hope you get resolute and cancel the trip, Bor. To hell with guilt, you are right - a child should want to love and visit parents, not feel obliged to do so.
The same applies to the parents, and it's where my feelings stem from. It seems like my father doesn't want to see me, but feels he should. For this reason, I went from wanting to see them to feeling as though I'm obligated to do so.

There seems to be a bit of family history that I've forgotten to mention, and I can't help but wonder what impact it's having on current events.

When I was three years old, my elder brother died from leukemia. He was five. Over the years, my father has seen friends and family become ill to various degrees. It makes me wonder if Dad hasn't established in his mind what a truly ill person must be. I'm 40. I look fit to the untrained eye. And all of these factors may well play against my father's judgement.

Elliot Joslin described diabetes as one of the more attractive diseases. A dozen diabetics could be standing in a crowd, and you wouldn't know it to look at them. (Some of them, like Halle Berry, and actually nice to look at.) You also can't look at someone and note their severe depression or post traumatic stress disorder unless they are completely unmedicated and on constant edge.

But like a good boy, I take my meds, and I try to remain as functional as possible. In the presence of my father, I put on a brave face and go through my day as best as possible. Thus, in his mind, he doesn't see a disabled man...he sees his son "faking" disability.

Perhaps what I need to do is make the trip and let my true self be seen. The idea is actually foolish, and I will suffer for it, but I could leave my Zoloft at home, along with my anxiety meds, and let him watch as I stay away for 24 to 36 hours at a time, afraid to go out in public. I could skip a few days of Ultram, and when asked why I'm not showering, explain that the impact of water in the shower hurts. Heck, maybe I'll take a shower without the meds so they can hear me crying as I shower and then towel off. Maybe the sight of me being able to only wear a pair of shorts because the touch of a cottion shirt causes me agony might get the message through to him. And if I want to have some REAL fun with him, go a day without insulin so he can visit me in an intensive care unit.

Oh, but I'm smarter than all that. Such thoughts are foolishness. I suffer enough without going the extra mile to make things worse.

Besides, doing such things to teach my father a lesson is just cruel. While I have a small streak in me that could not only think of such acts, but pulll them off, it has become my nature to try and be kind to those who need the kindness. I don't like being angry. I don't like lashing out. Making myself sick to prove a point would only make me that much more miserable, not only physically and mental, but for having done that to my father.

No...the plan that's really come to mind is to pull what my father has pulled. Wait for the end of the visit, sit him down, and have a harsh chat about reality with him. Planning dialogue in advance never really works, but I can see us at his kitchen table, showing him my hands. "Look carefully, Dad. You see a pair of hands that are undoing my life. Pay attention to the space between my thumb and forefinger. I'm 40, and what you should see there is a cluster of muscles. Instead, as I stretch my hand out, you'll notice it looks like little more than webbing. That's because the muscles have atrophied. My brain tells the muscles to work, but my damaged nervous system doesn't get the message to the muscles. Therefore, the muscles have died. It's like that across my body, but most noticeable to the medically trained eye. Once upon a time, I could do 20 regular pushups and 20 diamond pushups, all with my legs elevated three feet off the ground, and not break a sweat. Now I can't do five without becoming exhausted and hurting myself."

I dunno. I'm whining here because I don't know what else to do. I wish there were magic answers...but there never are. What's more, I'm becoming upset with myself that I'm not here, making an effort to help others. I've got to snap out of this before I sink further.

Thanks for listening.

[rubakhin]

I don't know if it's any helpful, Borya, but I know this guy with a lot of health problems that are also very debilitating and painful whose father acts about the same way as yours. Only the guy I know, he told me once that his dad - Igor Borisovich - isn't being a jerk out of genuinely jerklike sentiments, it's just that internally Igor feels angry and guilty that he can't heal his son with his own bare hands. So Igor developed this weird mental block and started insisting that his son isn't really that sick and if he wasn't lazy or did yoga or something he'd be fine. Because he just can't handle it otherwise, he can't handle that someone he loves is suffering and he's helpless to fix it. I can't really give you any advice about how to deal with it, but I think that could be where your own father is coming from - out of love, empathy, regret - nobler emotions than what you're attributing to him now.

Theoretically, explaining to him how sick you are won't work, because it'll stir up all those emotions and make the block even stronger. Only I'm not sure what else you could do instead.

[Kyrian]

*huggles Hitomi*

You know I'm here for you as your brother ^_^

[banjo1985]

QoM,

I'm not going to give any advice, as my advice is usually well meaning but misses the mark. But I will say this; it is not your fault the divorce is happening, neither was it your fault the last time. It's a cover for the real problems in the relationship...when things go wrong blame tends to shift, and never to what was actually the problem. While you can feel bad for what's happening, you shouldn't be feeling this way because you think it's your fault....it's not.

As for the second part...it's possible that your SO took what you said about spending time together badly, and bought up the beliefs, or lack of them, to try and strike back. But it seems it was somewhere close to the truth, or at least the truth as far as you can see it in your current emotional state. If not feeling like you believe in anything is truely the source of your unhappiness, then finding something to believe in would be a good start :smallsmile: I'm not talking religion...believing in anything is good, especially finding the ability to believe in yourself :smallsmile: I don't know how you can do this, I'm not sure I even do it myself!

Looking at what I've written, it seems to stray dangerously close to actually giving advice, so I'll write no more....

Except for an internet based hug :smallbiggrin:

[rubakhin]

A breakdown? Ridiculous. Don't tell anyone you think you had a breakdown. Not using that exact term, anyway. They'll put you on anti-anxiety medication. You don't need that. So firstly, a linguistic clarification that will put your mind at ease: "breakdown" is not what you're experiencing. The emotion has no term in this awful English language. However, the Czech word "litost" means "a state of torment created by the sudden sight of one's own misery." A common emotion, sadly. The popular author Milan Kundera, whose own words I borrowed for the definition above, complained that it was impossible to describe the human condition about it. And yet there's no word in the English language for the phenomenon - or in any other language that I know of, it often shows up on lists of untranslatable words - so here you are thinking you've had a breakdown, poor girl. Damn. You know, lots of Americans have what they call breakdowns and end up being put on useless anti-anxiety medication. It's a cultural epidemic. I suggest you lot import from the Czech immediately. Anyway.

Listen, this kind of thing is common at your age, and it's common to be triggered by thoughts of eternity and death, because you're at the crux of ending the life of childhood and beginning the life of adulthood. Sometimes it can feel like stepping off a cliff and hoping there's something down below to break your fall. So what you need to do is (I'm taking this metaphor and running with it here) make sure there's something there. I guess what you should do is wait until you're in a slightly better mood and then go soul-searching. (Any soul-searching done now will only make you feel hopeless and consequentially worse.) You should come up with a long-term plan for what you want to do in life - is there a career or guidance counselor you can talk to? - or even a short term plan. You probably need some more structure in your life. Ideally, find work if you can, either work for money or find a hobby that you can do with your hands. It would also help tremendously if you did something simple but productive, like getting a plant you water at the same time every day, or some other chore, as long as you do it every day without fail.

Generally, you should try to turn this into a wake-up call. To figure out what your goals are, your heart's desire, and move towards that. It doesn't need to be anything big ... even just "to be normal and live a comfortable life" is a fine goal.

Although, is this more of a spiritual problem? That's beyond the scope of this board considering the rules here, but I'm an amateur theologist (I've published papers! :D) and now I'm sort of an agnostic Russian Orthodox after being a lifelong atheist. So I'm fond of discussing spirituality and you can PM me if it would make you feel better to talk about that stuff. Though I can tell you that you shouldn't worry too much about life after death, whether there is such a thing or not. Honestly, kids our age probably have a greater sense of our mortality than seventy-year-olds. But humans live a long time ... and remember that things aren't invalidated, exactly, just because they're not eternal.

[Ossian]

Hey Queenofmemnoch, you know how they say?

Q.What do you call ten thousand lawyers shackled at the bottom of the sea?
A. a very good start

I hope law people on this topic don't get offended, after all the law students are probably the guys spreading such jokes. Anyway, it could be Orcs, Aliens, Clone Trooper Spongebobs or Finance Sharks, it's the same.

At some stage, you should (as I wish you) get a moment of battle-clarity regarding your life, love, and academic studies. Take advantage of it, because it's often just temporary. When that happens, line up your problems, and face off with them one by one, random pick.

Most of the stuff you need to hear to get better you alredy know it. It's just a matter of time for you to realize it, and to realize that as a human being your right to happiness should not be damaged or diminished by adversities. It might just be strengthened.

They are millions, my friend. A true legion. Their camp stretches to the horizon, and their armies seem to drink the rivers dry. But you must take down the first and shackle him at the bottom of the sea to eventually get to the last.

O.

[TigerHunter]

Which is when it hit me- I am. There is little that brings me joy, I have no goals in life, no aspirations, and nothing to look forward to after death, since I can't find anything to believe in.
At that moment, I became numb to everything else in the world. I didn't respond to anything he said, because I could not get my mind to move past my own misery and fear. It took me hours to fall asleep, and even now, after Army ROTC PT, I don't see any point to anything.
I don't want to go get breakfast, I don't want to go to my first classes for the semester. I just want to curl up in a ball and watch Labyrinth.
But even that makes me miserable...
This about sums up my life right now, too. Being in roughly the same position that you are, I can't offer up any words of wisdom to help you, other than to let you know that you're not alone. Realizing that while reading your post helped me a little bit--I just hope it helps you too.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

And Bor leaps into action, wearing a cape and tights...sending most people running for cover. :smalltongue:

The world has changed so much since I was QoM's age, and yet certain aspects haven't changed at all. Anyone out there remember when the space shuttle going up was exciting stuff? Now it's old hat. Remember when you were an object of envy for having Colleco Football? Now people are stunned if you don't have a computer at home. The world has, indeed, changed.

And yet such existential things as "Who am I and what is my purpose?" remain with everyone. It seems that knowing the answers to these questions remains the oddity. Growing up, my buddy, whose nickname was "Mush," knew exactly what he wasnted to do with his life. He was going to be a doctor. He did his pre-med at MIT, then graduated with an MD PhD from Stonybrook, and is now a radiology oncologist.

Me? Well, I wanted to be a psychologist. Then I wanted to become a teacher. Then, when school didn't seem to be the path for me, I was going to take over the family business. (I've told the tale somewhere in here, but my Dad actually FIRED me! :smalleek: ) Then I started a career as a debt collector, and seemed to have found my calling...until my medical conditions caught up to me, along with a solidified diagnosis of mental illness.

Who am I? What is my purpose?

As the years roll on, I find several answers that come into being.

I am Bor, the man who sometimes wears a mask over his problems to help others. My purpose is to come online - specifically to GitP - and help those in need. The mask tends to be translucent, by choice, as I think letting others see what hides beneath will help keep things in perspective for them.

I am Rob, the neighbor who, oddly, cares about neighbors he could do without. I run errands for the neighbor who can barely walk, and the occasional errand for the neighbor whose capacity to walk is a day to day judgement. I watch after kids who aren't mine, despite the fact that I'd rather see them all shoved into a meat grinder, especially after their three-hour romp, chock full of screaming their heads off.

I am Rob, the guy who loves his father unconditionally...although, conversely, there seem to be conditions under which I must live to be loved back.

I am the Adjective Noun, leader of the New Paragon Floor Huggers. ("Because dying is what we do best!" :smallwink: ) People look to me for laughs, caring, and the occasionaly daring to take on evil from time to time.

I am the stranger who passes a homeless woman on the street, asking her how she takes her coffee, and then buying it with money he doesn't have to spare.

I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I tend not to ask "Why me?" I gripe plenty, and wallow in misery that's about six feet deep. (I'm 5' 8", so you can imagine how that's working out for me.) Over the years, however, I've discovered that the answer to "Why me?" is "Why not you?" And it's theraputic to whine, as it helps to draw out some of the emotional poinson. The quest to learn "Who am I and what is my purpose" does not end...ever. You will change. Life will change. Your answers will change. Ten years ago, I was none of the above. Am I better for some of the changes? Time will tell.

Thus, QoM, I recommend you stop worrying too much about the future. Work with the present, planning what you can for down the road...but expect changes, good and bad. This is life. It's what happens while you're making other plans. Adopt, adapt, and overcome as best you can.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take these tights off. I think I'm scaring the neighbors. :smallredface:

[EmeraldRose]

I know I haven't posted in the thread in ages...but I've been reading it and thinking of everyone.

Many of you did not know that I was pregnant. I found out just a few hours ago that I am miscarrying the baby.

I've been crying for hours. Andre is with me, and we will get through this together...

[North]

:smallfrown: Thats very unfortunate ER. Hugs and warm fuzzy thoughts for you and Andre. Thats got to be hard to deal with for you guys.

[TigerHunter]

I know I haven't posted in the thread in ages...but I've been reading it and thinking of everyone.

Many of you did not know that I was pregnant. I found out just a few hours ago that I am miscarrying the baby.

I've been crying for hours. Andre is with me, and we will get through this together...
*hugs tight*



It's been almost a year since I felt this miserable.
A friend I've long since confessed my feelings for told me she's dating someone else Saturday night. Just one more reason to hate my life.
I'm an emotional wreck. One moment I'm fine with it, then the next I don't care, then I'm cycling back to denial and... I'm not coherent enough to type this.
I'm not going to school. I'm not eating. On Thursday and Friday I'd made resolutions to try and kick my depression, then I get smacked in the face with this giant proverbial hammer that pretty much shatters all the fantasies and dreams I'd been holding on to. I'm not mad at her or the guy she's dating, I'm mad at God for having such a ****ed up sense of humor.
I'm scared that I'll end up back in the hospital, where I'll be surrounded by people I don't know and can't relate to and be forced to tell complete strangers my deepest thoughts and feelings. I'll die before I go through that again. I've promised people that I won't kill myself, but if I have to go back I'll break it. There's nothing in this world that will force me to go through that again.

[sktarq]

I'm scared that I'll end up back in the hospital, where I'll be surrounded by people I don't know and can't relate to and be forced to tell complete strangers my deepest thoughts and feelings. I'll die before I go through that again. I've promised people that I won't kill myself, but if I have to go back I'll break it. There's nothing in this world that will force me to go through that again.

I sympathise mate. I've never been but I hate the thought that much too. Want a easier solution? Try getting less intrusive help now. Go into an office and talk one on one with someone who you trust....rotate offices until you find that person. If you think people will try to push you towards the hospital tell them that you don't feel that the hospital enviroment is conductive to your mental health. :smallannoyed: Best of luck here mate. Try setting one small goal at a time...small things...baby steps.

If you do kill yourself do try and come back to at least tell me what's it like. :smallsmile:

And Emerald....*big hugs-but softly* take care and hope you are allright...no bleed outs okay?

[Alarra]

I know I haven't posted in the thread in ages...but I've been reading it and thinking of everyone.

Many of you did not know that I was pregnant. I found out just a few hours ago that I am miscarrying the baby.

I've been crying for hours. Andre is with me, and we will get through this together...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. :smallfrown: *hugs tightly* I wish I could help in any way.

[TigerHunter]

If you think people will try to push you towards the hospital tell them that you don't feel that the hospital enviroment is conductive to your mental health. :smallannoyed: Best of luck here mate.
I'm 16. If they want me in the hospital, I'm going to the hospital, unless I manage to kill myself before the police arrive. Thank you, though.

[Fester]

{Scrubbed}

[sktarq]

I'm 16. If they want me in the hospital, I'm going to the hospital, unless I manage to kill myself before the police arrive.

This is why you head them off before it gets that bad.
Take responsibility for your issues and lead the charge in dealing with them.
If you ask for help and say you want to try a specific meathod BEFORE they feel that they (your parents I'm guessing) feel the need to put you there they are most likely to work with you in your chosen method. Also taking that approch will just help talk yourself into a self harming state which is the last thing you want because it is what will get your parents to resort to a hospital fastest.
Also try going to school just for the stimulation....It's hard and seems useless but it gets you out and moving-which can be a real help.

[North]

*hugs tight*



It's been almost a year since I felt this miserable.
A friend I've long since confessed my feelings for told me she's dating someone else Saturday night. Just one more reason to hate my life.
I'm an emotional wreck. One moment I'm fine with it, then the next I don't care, then I'm cycling back to denial and... I'm not coherent enough to type this.
I'm not going to school. I'm not eating. On Thursday and Friday I'd made resolutions to try and kick my depression, then I get smacked in the face with this giant proverbial hammer that pretty much shatters all the fantasies and dreams I'd been holding on to. I'm not mad at her or the guy she's dating, I'm mad at God for having such a ****ed up sense of humor.
I'm scared that I'll end up back in the hospital, where I'll be surrounded by people I don't know and can't relate to and be forced to tell complete strangers my deepest thoughts and feelings. I'll die before I go through that again. I've promised people that I won't kill myself, but if I have to go back I'll break it. There's nothing in this world that will force me to go through that again.

That sucks. A lot. Unfortunetly dating is one of lifes most frustrating rituals. Its also one of the most rewarding when it does pay off. I would recommend eating, Ice Cream is one of the worlds best things:smallbiggrin:

[Dragonrider]

@ER: *hugs* *chocolate* I'm so sorry.


@TigerHunter: I wish there were something we could do to make it better. As it is, all I can offer is what my mom told me this fall when I was lonely, depressed, and literally wishing to go to sleep and never wake up. She said, In ten years, you'll look back on this and wish that you could tell yourself now, "things will get better". :smallfrown: :smallsmile:

[Zeb The Troll]

I know I haven't posted in the thread in ages...but I've been reading it and thinking of everyone.

Many of you did not know that I was pregnant. I found out just a few hours ago that I am miscarrying the baby.

I've been crying for hours. Andre is with me, and we will get through this together...I know there's nothing we can do except offer our shoulders, not that you need any other than the one you've got, but we'll offer them anyway.

It's a horrible thing to have to go through, for both of you.

Here, take this *hug* and reapply as necessary. There's no expiration date on it. :smallfrown:

Don't forget to hug little Junior Fairchilde too. It'll help you both feel better.

[Zarrexaij]

This is just my two cents:


I'm not going to school. I'm not eating. On Thursday and Friday I'd made resolutions to try and kick my depression, then I get smacked in the face with this giant proverbial hammer that pretty much shatters all the fantasies and dreams I'd been holding on to. I'm not mad at her or the guy she's dating, I'm mad at God for having such a ****ed up sense of humor.The consequences of not going to school and not eating just aren't worth it. Not eating will only make you weak and even more miserable. And skipping out on school can get your parents/guardians in HUGE trouble. The longterm consequences are far more grave than the short-term. I know when you are extremely depressed, the last thing you think about is the longterm (I know, I've been there, done that). But you have to realize doing either of those won't solve your problems. They just complicate them down the road. A lot of things are like that. Cutting/self-mutilation is one of those those. Drowning your sorrows in drugs/alcohol/girls/guys/whatever is also bad for you in the long term.

It's tough, but sometimes you have to accept what happens around you. It sounds callous, yes, but you can't let people do that to you. I'm not saying you shouldn't care about people, because you should, but don't let people hurt you like that. Yes, they can do very hurtful things and say awful things, but it is you who chooses to dwell over it. You can't change the past, but you can change the present and your future. You'll be much better off if you say to yourself "this too shall pass," because it will. People who might matter to you now probably won't in three years. You're still very young (hell, I am too), and getting worked up over one person when you have such a life ahead of you is something you don't want. I dwelled over the guy I liked when I was much longer much like you for years because he ended up liking another girl. I did that until almost two years in my first relationship. It hurt my relationship with my ex. I didn't want to let him in because I felt so hurt and betrayed by the person I told I had a huge crush on. In one of his good moments, he told me to stop dwelling over it if I wanted this to work, and I did. This guy I had a crush on and I still talk, and I hold no ill feelings towards him. Back then I was a very messed up child (and I still am to an extent), but I can't blame him for that. In fact, that made me realize that dwelling over people just locks you up to others. Whatever you do, do NOT do that. If you come across a girl just as good, if not better, and you're doing that, you will only push them away. Being pushed away hurts. A lot.


I'm scared that I'll end up back in the hospital, where I'll be surrounded by people I don't know and can't relate to and be forced to tell complete strangers my deepest thoughts and feelings. I'll die before I go through that again. I've promised people that I won't kill myself, but if I have to go back I'll break it. There's nothing in this world that will force me to go through that again.If it makes you better, don't struggle against it. Hospitals aren't meant to put you through torture. You might hate it now, but in the future if you get help, you'll realize what good it did. I've never been admitted, but when I was younger I had a lot of psychological screening and went through therapy. I hated it at the time, but now I know how much that brief period benefitted me.

Your life is more valuable than you think. You make an impact on every single person you meet/talk to. I don't know you personally, but I don't want you to kill yourself. Do whatever it takes to make yourself better. Get off the internet. Read a book. Draw. Listen to music. Play video games. Drink some tea. Take a nap. Take your mind off what's going on. As long as you're not harming yourself in any shape or form (even indirectly), it's important that you are healthy, both mentally and physically. This is an odd suggestion but I suggest taking up excersizing. It releases endorphins and I've discovered it makes me feel really good, especially about myself.

It seems really dorky, but here's a good time to quote a Tool song, "Parabola"

Remember:
We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

[Dragonrider]

Remember:
We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

That's a good point.
I guess that it depends on what you believe, but I've always kind of thought that these problems we have are just a test to help us mature and grow as human beings.
It sure beats thinking the world's out to get you! :smalltongue:
My grandmother's philosophy is:

We are spiritual beings having a material experience.

Sometimes it's hard to see past the fog of our own misery. Believe you me, I know. But we can always keep trying.



As for not eating...it's easy to do. I once had a grand total of two smoothies and half a glass of milk in two days (after my wisdom tooth surgery when I was really depressed). It only makes your mental state worse, however, and I would not recommend it.

[banjo1985]

I know I haven't posted in the thread in ages...but I've been reading it and thinking of everyone.

Many of you did not know that I was pregnant. I found out just a few hours ago that I am miscarrying the baby.

I've been crying for hours. Andre is with me, and we will get through this together...

:smallfrown:

*sends a hug*

I don't really know what else to say :smallfrown:

[Raiser Blade]

I know I haven't posted in the thread in ages...but I've been reading it and thinking of everyone.

Many of you did not know that I was pregnant. I found out just a few hours ago that I am miscarrying the baby.

I've been crying for hours. Andre is with me, and we will get through this together...

:smallfrown:

*hugs*

I offer my condolences to you both.

[DarkLightDragon]

That must me hard, ER. I can't really say anything about it, though, but I hope things get better for your family.

I seem to be feeling down myself lately. It seems to happen at random. One moment, I could be greatly enjoying something, only to be bored or depressed when whatever I'm enjoying ends. It's happened before. I also keep feeling annoyed that I don't get out of the house more to socialise. I've always been fine by myself but now I feel like I want to talk to other people. I'm thinking about looking for hobby groups but I don't know what type of group I should look for or how to get started with the searching. If anyone could help with this, I would appreciate it.

[SMEE]

I know I haven't posted in the thread in ages...but I've been reading it and thinking of everyone.

Many of you did not know that I was pregnant. I found out just a few hours ago that I am miscarrying the baby.

I've been crying for hours. Andre is with me, and we will get through this together...

Oh dear. :smallfrown: That's so sad, ER.
I offer hugs for you, your son and Andre. It's surely a difficult time. :smallfrown:

[smellie_hippie]

I know I haven't posted in the thread in ages...but I've been reading it and thinking of everyone.

Many of you did not know that I was pregnant. I found out just a few hours ago that I am miscarrying the baby.

I've been crying for hours. Andre is with me, and we will get through this together...

I'm so sorry for you both. :smallfrown: Having been through this twice, I understand how painful it is.

Here's an extra *hug* to go along with the stack you have already, and an offer for either of you to PM if you need to.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I know I haven't posted in the thread in ages...but I've been reading it and thinking of everyone.

Many of you did not know that I was pregnant. I found out just a few hours ago that I am miscarrying the baby.

I've been crying for hours. Andre is with me, and we will get through this together...

My sincere condolences, ER. From the number of responses here, know that you are loved here in the Playground, and that you not merely getting through this with just Andre, but many of us as well.

*MULTI-MEGA-HUGS*

[Haruki-kun]

I went to school one hour early today. 20 minutes before my first class, at 8:40, my phone rang. It was my dad, saying he and mom had to go out of town back to my mom's Home Town.

My little cousin, less than half a year-old, had lung failure last night, he passed away this morning.

I took the message quietly and told them I'd stay in town and take care of my brothers. After I hung up I started crying and just couldn't stop. I skipped Calculus class with two other friends who skipped it so they could be with me. and spent the next three hours with them, without going to class.

I know it was for the best. He would have led a very hard life if he had lived, he would have never been able to move. And I knew this was coming, but when it happened, it still shocked me very much.

[TigerHunter]

Haruki--I recently acquired a newborn cousin of my own, and I know I would be completely devastated, along with everyone else in my family, if he died. It's good that you're with friends who love you that much.

*hugs*

[Dragonrider]

I'm so sorry, Haruki. I don't know whether you're religious or not, and it doesn't really matter, but I will remember your cousin in my prayers. :smallsmile:

[Haruki-kun]

Thank you very much. I really appreciate your support. :smallsmile:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I went to school one hour early today. 20 minutes before my first class, at 8:40, my phone rang. It was my dad, saying he and mom had to go out of town back to my mom's Home Town.

My little cousin, less than half a year-old, had lung failure last night, he passed away this morning.

I took the message quietly and told them I'd stay in town and take care of my brothers. After I hung up I started crying and just couldn't stop. I skipped Calculus class with two other friends who skipped it so they could be with me. and spent the next three hours with them, without going to class.

I know it was for the best. He would have led a very hard life if he had lived, he would have never been able to move. And I knew this was coming, but when it happened, it still shocked me very much.
There never seem to be the proper words when a loved one passes on. It's heart wrenching when an adult passes. It's infinitely worse when It's a child. My heartfelt warmth and condolences to you and your family.

[EmeraldRose]

I'm on my way in for the surgery this morning, to, well, it's called a d&c.

Hopefully this will get easier as the days go.

[Raiser Blade]

I'm on my way in for the surgery this morning, to, well, it's called a d&c.

Hopefully this will get easier as the days go.

Time heals. Meanwhile you and Andre will be in my prayers.

*hug*

[Zeb The Troll]

I'm on my way in for the surgery this morning, to, well, it's called a d&c.

Hopefully this will get easier as the days go.I hope everything went smoothly for you today. And of course, let us know if there's anything we can do, even if it's just mailing you some chocolate.

[Shraik]

I just want to say, reading this makes me feel spoiled. I have for the past few years been depressed. I have/had no reason, because I have/had a nice life. I live in a decent house, in a nice town, with loving parents, good friends, and we are finnacially well to do. Yet, for years I've felt depressed. No reason. This really makes me seem spoiled.

I have dealt with so little, yet felt so bad. I have always felt like people think I'm crazy, stupid, irratating, obnoxious, ignorant, and an arse. I never spoke to girls cause i always thought they wanted nothing to do with me. And I just never had the confidence. I, for a good while, had mostly suicidal thoughts going through my head. I would cry myself to sleep, wondering why I am even here. I have never been good at much. I've never had anything going for me. I didn't see the point. People would torture me just because they knew it would hurt me. My Father practically disowned me at one point. My friends considered me borderline emo. I started to have failing grades. My confidence was the only thing on land lower then death valley. This has all happened in the past 3 years. I'm a freshman in highschool.

What I find odd, Is it has gone away. I was able to say for the first time in years that I was happy to be here, And that I felt good About myself. I still find myself beating myself up, because i still find so little that I am worth. Star Wars Trivia, thats it. I'm in a new school, with new people. My "Wants" started to go crazy. I wanted to fufill these needs, but couldn't, and would start beat myself up for days for simply not being able to talk to a girl. I, now that I can talk to the girl I like, Still beat myself up, saying to myself that she would never be interested. Recently, the on/off nature of my happiness is starting to lead me to believe I am not right. I, a while back, wanted to get to a psychiatrist while it was still a big problem. It's not a large problem anymore, but I think I still might need to go to figure out whats wrong. The on/off nature of the depression has been mostly off lately, with me being depressed for a few hours then me getting better.

I am sorry for the rant, Just wanted to say it. Raiser_B1ade is right, time heal all wounds. Emerald Rose, I feel very sorry for your lose, and hope that things get better for you.

[TigerHunter]

I just want to say, reading this makes me feel spoiled.
This is exactly how I've felt. Your post felt almost like a narrative about the past year of my life--general depression, with no identifiable cause. Having a spectacularly fun day and then crying myself to sleep at night. Feeling alone. I've managed to win out over the bullies, fortunately, and the kids at school mostly leave me alone.

No identifiable cause, though, does not mean no cause. Whenever you're feeling bad, talk with someone. In person, preferably, though this thread and my PM box are always open.

This is important, though: INSIST on seeing that psychiatrist (and/or psychologist.) Just because the problem is receding does NOT mean that it's going away. It's good that you want to get medical help. I refused to see any sort of psych therapist for the longest time, because I was convinced that it wouldn't help at all, since it hadn't in the past. After talking with my school counselor for about two hours on Wednesday, I feel amazingly better.

~TigerHunter

[Zeb The Troll]

I know I don't post here often, but the last two posts have made me feel the need to add my two cents, because I feel it's important. This may be something Bor or someone else more active on this thread has said, but it bears repeating in any case.

Not feeling like you're justified in feeling bad does not invalidate your feeling bad. Sometimes the cause isn't external but internal, maybe a hormonal imbalance, maybe something you aren't aware of that's bothering you. Whatever the case may be, needing help or a friendly ear isn't a competition where only the most worthy get attention.

There's no emotional triage here where posters only have time to support a few others and have to draw a cutoff if too many people come in at the same time. If you need an e-hug and don't know why, there's no reason you can't come here and say "I need an e-hug and I don't know why". No one will say "oh bollocks, Timmy just lost his mom, go get your hug elsewhere".

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Indeed. Even as we leap to the emotional aid of ER, sending her love, prayers, and e-hugs, there are things that seem...well, for lack of a better word, easier to handle.

Emotional illness isn't something that always takes logic into account. A broken heart...loss of a loved one...job stressing you tot he point of wanting to hurt small, furry animals...Yes, one can point at these and say, "I have a reason to be upset." One can have the perfect life and not be happy, simply because some chemicals in the brain are doing strange things. Having "logical" reasons just makes it easier to accept a mental illness.

Now, you two last posters to explain your problems seem young enough. Perhaps you should check to see if your respective schools have therapists on staff. I had one when I was in high school, and she turned out to be one of the best.

Also, while pursuing that, try taking positive steps toward building confidence. Work out a bit to get in shape. Alter your diet to start getting a few more vitamins in your system. Try joining after school groups, like the debate team, drama crew, or some sport. You might accidentally find something you excel at.

Should these fail, then it's time to take it up with a psychiatrist. I often extol the virtues of medications, but I've never recommended it as a first step. (Not that I know of, anyway.) Meanwhile, you are young and powerful...you need only find those things that make you feel that way.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

There are events in my life that sometimes cause my heart to ache. It has nothing to do with any problem that I have. It's simply an event I experience through someone else, and I sincerely wish I could pull a genuine miracle out of my pocket.

Several posts ago, I mentioned this homeless woman I pass almost every day I step out of my apartment on a store run. Well, I stopped and talked to her again, ever so briefly, and this is the conversation we had.

Me: Dear? Do you have food? Are you hungry?
Her: Oh, I have donuts. (holds up bag of suspicious origin) I'm not sure how fresh they are, but you can have one if you want. (she smiled in a friendly manner)
Me: Oh, no. No thank you. I was going to go into the dollar store to get you food if you had none.
Her: That's very kind of you, sir, but I don;t know why you're so interested in me.
Me: Because I can't walk past you so often and do absolutely nothing.
Her: I don't understand.
Me: Well, I saw you Christmas Eve, with no one to take you is or care.
Her: I'm not sure what that holiday is -
Me: (cutting her off, as her statement was making me too concerned to follow through with) There was also a day of rain, where you were getting soaked to the bone. It's not my nature to do nothing.
Her: (tilting her head like a confused puppy) Are you from Boston?
Me: No, I'm originally from NY.
Her: Oh, I've met some people from NY.
Me: (at this point, too distressed to do anything else) Well, you take care of yourself, dear.
Her: Thank you, sir.

She didn't know what Christmas was. She was wearing shorts and a tee shirt in 60 degree F weather. She's homeless and offered me food! :smalleek: It's as though she lives in our reality, but her mind has other plans, creating its own.

And I've learned a bit more about her via rumor and some things I've seen. She lived in our apartment complex. Because of whatever condition that rules her mind, she would search our dumpsters, then attempt to sell her findings back to people in the complex. As I hear it, she was also trying to pull any mail that would occasionally stick out of other mailboxes. Complaints poured into management's office, and she was evicted. No one got her any help...they just complained. :smallfrown:

There is another aspect of this woman's problems that makes me crazy. If I were to call for emergency help for her, and she refused their help, emergency services would leave. They would abandon her on the streets instead of taking action to give her help she so obviously NEEDS!

A part of me believes I should become callus; these problems should not be mine, as I have enough on my plate. But how can one ignore someone else in such dire need?

Edit: My Dad just called. My step-mom, a woman whom I've come to love dearly, is in the ICU. Her oxygen levels bottomed out on her. She's improving...but I can't help but weep.

[smellie_hippie]

Bor:

I'm so sorry to hear about your step-mom. I hope she recovers well.

As for your neighborhood "resident"... I don't know what to say. I know the frustration of wanting to offer someone help out/through a situation and having that offer be refused. It's often more depressing when our intentions to alleviate someone's pain or suffering isn't enough. Hopefully she'll be alright. Just make sure that you're not putting yourself at too great a risk...

Take care.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Bor, try and leave some food behind on a place where you know she´l find it.

Emerald rose, my condolations, I´m with you in both heart and mind, please recover soon(both mentally and otherwise)

Listen to this, Bor´s problems and ER´s problems are way more important, though please listen to mine if you have the time.. *big hugs for both of you*

I have been ill much this term, starting around two months of the beginning of the school year, lately I haven´t been making my homework, I´m ill.
I just dont know...
Lately its gotten extra high, with the stress, and I´m apparently good enough to good to school, most of the time and everything is just piling on my back that I´ve missed.
I´m falling into a big deep deeeeeeep depressesion, but with the forums in and out, and some other sites also, and fanfiction stories I have all read most that fascinate me.....
And then I watch a show on television and the irony and problems allways come back onto my situation.

I just can not see whats to live for, except you guys.
Its just the same day in, day out, day in, day out.
Its bad, and its not getting any better.
With my attention forced away from GitP forums and some others which have also been affected by my server slowness(both from my pc side and the server side), its forcing me to watch tv or go do other sad stuff.
Everywhere I encounter it, my situation.

But please, don´t waste your time on me, spend it on Bor and ER, they need it more. I just needed to get this out.

*hugs again for Bor and ER*

And Zeb, I´ve been mistaking you for Trog with your award avatar, I liked your old one better. I realize your are very alike, but to me also very different, Trogs light-hearted banter while not serious, give good advice and stuff, while you aren´t that light-hearted, more like a jolly old fellow. No offense ment...


I´ve been hiding, I´m to good at hiding.....

*more hugs for Bor And Emerald Rose(the best of luck to the both of you)*

[smellie_hippie]

*offers chicken-noodle soup and extra hugs to Dallas Dakota*

You may think others have a greater need than you, but everybody could use some positive attention every now and then. Take care of yourself and get to feeling better soon.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Don´t listen to this, Bor´s problems and ER´s problems are way more important *big hugs for both of you*

*sigh* How many times must I say it? How often to I have to point out that no matter how "big" you think your problems are, they are still YOUR problems and deserve their share of attention? Yeah, we might come down on someone who is "severely depressed because of a hangnail." But we are not here to judge...we are here to help. So...

*hugs back*

Take that, silly D-D! :smalltongue:

[Raistlin1040]

I don't think I'm depressed. No one else has commented on it, so I assume I'm just something else.

I don't know if I could catergorize the way I feel as sadness. But it just seems like my life is pointless, and my family is trying to make something out of nothing. I'm not hurting myself or anything, don't worry. It's just that I wake up, go to school, go on here, do homework, sleep. There's no deviation. My grades are alright, but not great, and my parents are pushing me to improve my grades, so I can get into a great college and a great job.

I'm supposed to be a genius. Not a super-genius, but I'm smart. I was in a "gifted" program in elementary school, and I never had to work in class to get great grades. But all the monotony in my life just makes even getting out of bed and getting to school seem like a chore.

I'd like to just sit in my backyard, watch the clouds, play guitar, and talk to my friend Kenley all day long. Is this normal, or am I just some kind of slacker?

[Shadow of the Sun]

A guide to being Dave, as he is at the moment:

-Live your life constantly being told that you’ll never be loved, that no-one will cherish your memory will be gone. Have someone actually tell you that they’d celebrate if you committed suicide.
-Then, find yourself developing feelings for someone. Guarded feelings. Watched feelings. You’re afraid to let them flourish due to an imprinted belief that they’ll never be returned.
-Find, to your astonishment and amazement that the feelings are, actually, mutual. Watch with waited breath as the person slowly considers being with you, all the while reassuring them that they don’t have to be pressured into it.
-Pass out when they say yes due to blood flow from an incredibly increased heart rate.
-Spend time talking to your new lover. Discover that they are almost perfect, suffering from no flaws that could be considered anything but superficial. Be amazed at how intelligent they are, how artistic, how amazing.
-Begin planning to change every plan you’ve had since childhood to accommodate them. At any cost.
-Live every moment in a permanent high tinged with dread due to the belief that it’s far too good to be true, about to collapse at any moment.
-Watch, heart slowly breaking, as your lover begins having anxiety attacks and telling you that they think they can’t be with you for something you’ve been assured since you were young that is, ultimately unimportant.
-Feel untold relief when they tell you, yes, they still love you.
-Watch in growing horror as the previous cycle repeats itself.
-Fall into a pit of depression when your lover leaves you. Blame yourself about it due to the belief that they can’t be wrong, that you are just there to be hated.
-Lie to them. Tell them you are happy for them now, now that they’ll be able to move on without you. Try to hide all emotion deep within yourself.
-Fail.
-Have them assure you that they still love you. That they still care. Watch them give you the same affection that you saw in the relationship. Take solace in these sentiments, because they give you hope.
-Have them kill that false hope utterly, stomp on it, destroy all the embers. -Watch with nothing but sadness and a twinge of self loathing because you still believe this is all your fault.
-Realize that each night you are going to sleep with a hope of never waking up, and find that each morning, you feel a swath of disappointment due to the fact that you are waking up.
-Watch them begin to fall for someone else.
-Realize that that person they are falling for is so perfect, such an amazing person, that you feel outclassed utterly. That you’re a…insect.
-Listen to them telling you of their relationship. Realize that there is no hope anymore, ever.
-Begin to feel like you were just being played with. That, despite the reassurances and what you wanted to believe, that you were just a toy in what was nothing but a sadistic game.
-Realize that you’re being “emo”. Feel that other people’s problems are so infinitely above your own that feeling like this about something so comparatively insignificant that you feel so pathetic that committing suicide would just be a waste of time.
-Have the final straw snap the camel’s back, and write this list.
-Post this list.

[Raistlin1040]

Shadow otS, we've never really been friends. Most of the time we talk, it's an argument. But no one should have to go through that kind of thing. So *Hugs*.

[EmeraldRose]

First of all, I want to thank everyone for the support and hugs, I've really needed them! *hugs everyone*

Second, the surgery went fine, and I am beginning to feel less in pain, physically. My mom was here for the week to help us out, which was a wonderful thing! Moms are great! Regardless of how grown up we may feel, there's still nothing like having your mam there when you really need her. My mother-in-law also visited, and they ganged up on me and made me go to bed, then cleaned the house. :smalleek: It makes me nervous to have other people clean my house. But it was a blessing, since I haven't felt up to it this last week and a bit...

I am trying to get my life back together, as I can. Andre is the most wonderful husband I could imagine, and he and I have talked lots this week, trying to help each other understand why this happened. Our son is a joy, and eventually, we will figure out what to tell him.

I decided to have a complete change to my hair (color and cut) and though it was perhaps selfish and silly, I actually feel better for having done it. The woman who did my hair went through a miscarriage a couple of years ago, so there were lots of tears, and laughter as we talked at the salon. I feel that being open and talking about what has happened will help me as the days go by.

My co-workers, and boss, have been wonderful as well, telling me not to come in to work yesterday (I was going to try to make up some time), but to stay home and finish recovering instead.

I still cry several times a day, but the pain will become less as time goes by. We will try again to have another child, and hope that it will work the next time.

Thank you all again for the hugs and caring! It has meant much to me this week!

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

This day has become...well, frustrating. It starts with my own issues. Those who have followed my many posts know that my life seems to be one drama followed by even more drama. Sometimes I think that I invent some of my issues in an effort to maintain stress...as though I can't possibly be comfortable unless I'm uncomfortable.

And then I come here. I do a bit of griping, especially since that's one of the reasons for this thread. I sometimes look at this thread as online group therapy. Despite my problems, I can find acceptance here.

Like the homeless woman I see so often, I want to help those that post here. There should be more than mere words of comfort. I should be able to take action. Where was this frame of mind when I was physically able to do more?

And this certainly isn't helped by the stead flow of painkillers I take for the now mysterious pains in my right foot. My head feels perpetually fuzzy, and I feel like a rambling dolt.

Okay...@ Raistlin: Feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness are symptoms of depression. The list, however, is much longer than two items. Do what you enjoy, make yourself happy, and try accomplishing things in your life for YOURSELF, not others. Make an effort toward forward progress. If you find your life completely stalled, then that may be the time when you need to seek professional aid. (Sorry if that seems a little too vague, but I work with what I got.)

@ Shadow of the Sun: 'Twas a shattered heart that woke me up to the larger issues of emotional illness. My recommendation is to get thee to a doctor. Let the doctor decide if meds are right for you. Understand that psych meds are not a cure for mental ailments, but tools to help you deal with them. Find a doctor and then decide together what route to take.

Oh...and stop trying to disqualify your feelings. If no one in the "real world," including yourself, seems to care...we do. :smallsmile:

[Serpentine]

Raistlin: The absolute number one priority of anyone's life is your own health, wellbeing and happiness. Good grades and college are secondary. Less than secondary, they are just one of many means - though possibly the easiest and most direct - by which the above priorities might be gained. If you happen to only get okay grades but still want to get into uni, well, there are lots of backdoor methods. School is not the be-all and end-all, the Most Important Part of Life. That said, it is always a good thing to try to improve yourself, including your marks. There is no point in doing so at the expense of your own health, wellbeing and happiness, though. If you feel like having a break from studying and lying out on the lawn watching the clouds go by, do so. In the long term - this will be especially useful in university, I think - set aside a specific time of day, or a day of the week, where you conciously, deliberately and totally remove yourself from any and all work, and spend time doing something that you want to do. Hang out with friends, play a computer game, take up a hobby, or simply lie on your lawn watching clouds. If you're feeling useless, I recommend taking up something constructive, that will exercise your mind - paint, or draw, or build models, or write. Maybe make something nice for your parents. Whatever you do, make sure you focus all your attention on doing that, not on worrying about the work you're not doing. Make up the time later, when you'll be more focussed and not pining for some time for yourself, because you've already set aside that time. Remember, school is a means to an end - an important, relatively easy and straightforward means, but a means nonetheless - not an end in itself.
To everyone who feels like they're in a rut - and I know the feeling, especially in high school - do something different. Even something as basic as trying a fancy new cereal for breakfast, or go for a picnic, or read a different kind of book, or wear a different style of clothing. A change may not be quite as good as a holiday, but it can spark things up a bit.

Shadow: I'm so sorry :smallfrown: Don't forget, the only person you need to live your life for is yourself. Anyone who brings you down for the sake of bringing you down isn't worth a thought. Criticism that isn't devoted to suggesting means of improvement is useless and should be utterly disregarded. Please, please seek help. There is never any reason to suffer alone. Things really do get better, I promise. Even if a counsellor or medication or whatever doesn't fix you right up right now, all it needs to do is keep you going, keep you moving forward until things do get better. You'll find someone else, I promise, or I'll eat a gigantic squash raw (:smallyuk:)

[Dallas-Dakota]

*sigh* How many times must I say it? How often to I have to point out that no matter how "big" you think your problems are, they are still YOUR problems and deserve their share of attention? Yeah, we might come down on someone who is "severely depressed because of a hangnail." But we are not here to judge...we are here to help. So...

*hugs back*

Take that, silly D-D! :smalltongue:

This made me smile, I´edit my post...

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay...Serpentine, stop clarifying my thoughts. When I want you using my brain, I'll hand it to you. :smalltongue:

As this thread can use some smiles and good news, I come, not to whine, but report my step-mom is improving. They took her off the ventilator, and her oxygen saturation has stayed at a normal level on its own. The rest of the information, shouted from various sources roaming my Dad's home to my brother, who was relaying everything, is vague. Something about pneumonia, physical therapy, a piece of food, and my not-yet-four-year-old nephew discovering a piano. Much confusion. Much noise. And no matter what all that was about, my step-mom is getting better. :smallsmile:

[ForzaFiori]

alright, this is a bit odd, but i want advice on it if you have the time after dealing with people who really need advice.

I have (currently) an amazing life in my opinion. I recently started dating a good friend of mine and its going great, soccer is about to start, and i'm pulling my grades up. I'm hanging with my friends more, i'm getting closer to getting my license, everything. and yet, when i'm alone, I feel like...just horribly horribly blah. I dont know what to do. I feel like i did when i was depressed, except that when i say, play soccer, or talk to Bev (my gf) it all goes away and i'm fine. but once everything stops...its back to blah. Its really starting to bother me, b/c i know i can't be active constantly, but i hate the feeling i get when i run out of things to do. Where most people are getting bored, i'm getting down. and simple stuff wont fix it. I play video games, and nothing happens. read a book, nothing. Pretty much all that pulls me out is sports, and friends.

[SurlySeraph]

@Shadow: I felt a lot like that about someone. I've since gotten over it; first I decided that she deserved someone better than me, and later I decided that I was good enough for her, but it was no longer the right time for me to be with her (I'd missed my chance), and that being with her would not benefit either of us at this point.

But then, I never even worked up the nerve to ask her out, I'm friends with her, and she continues to be the most perfect woman on Earth; she never became manipulating or sadistic like the person in your case. I guess missing my chance wasn't so bad after all, even though the worst state of mental health I've ever been in was induced by thinking about her a few months ago.

Don't think that you won't get over the person. It IS going to hurt, and it may hurt for years. But you will come to terms with it if you focus on what you still enjoy. Focus on work, on your friends who didn't end up disappointing you like that, and on whatever random hobby you can spend the most time on without getting bored (in your case, I'd say spend a lot of time listening to the most obscure metal bands you can find. Until you know damn near EVERYTHING about ALL metal). Finding something new to be obsessive about makes your old obsessions easy to get over.

[Dragonrider]

Second, the surgery went fine, and I am beginning to feel less in pain, physically. My mom was here for the week to help us out, which was a wonderful thing! Moms are great! Regardless of how grown up we may feel, there's still nothing like having your mam there when you really need her.

Seconded. I don't know what I would do without my mom...I can't say I tell her EVERYTHING, but she's always there for me when I need her. It took me a long time to realize it, but I can trust her and talking to her always always makes me feel better


I decided to have a complete change to my hair (color and cut) and though it was perhaps selfish and silly, I actually feel better for having done it.

not silly at all - ometimes change makes you feel better.


I still cry several times a day, but the pain will become less as time goes by. We will try again to have another child, and hope that it will work the next time.

*more hugs*

Things will get better. :smallsmile:

[Zeb The Troll]

And Zeb, I´ve been mistaking you for Trog with your award avatar, I liked your old one better. I realize your are very alike, but to me also very different, Trogs light-hearted banter while not serious, give good advice and stuff, while you aren´t that light-hearted, more like a jolly old fellow. No offense ment...Okay, I realize not all of you were tracking the "why" of my usage of the award as an avatar, but for the curious, it's because I stole Trog's desk in the Trog's Talk Show thread and impersonated him while interviewing him. That segment's over now, though, and I've reverted back to my normal avvie for the time being.

[ForzaFiori]

ok, screw my last post. I actually have a real problem now.

my mom and me step-dad tend to argue alot. Never anything huge, but enough that it gets kinda annoying and so that when they go at it, me and my sister know that we should just stay in our rooms for a bit to let them cool down. Last night, my mom called me and my sister out to ask what we all wanted for dinner, then proceeded to start yelling at my step-dad for starting cooking something before we talked about it. My sister made the mistake of sighing about this, and my mom turns around and starts yelling at her about trying to be condescending, and then shoves my sister. I stepped between them, b/c i wanted to end whatever was going on. My mom then yelled at me, and attempted to shove me out of the way, but I shoved her backwards instead. Me and my sister got yelled at a bit more, followed by us going into our rooms, and about 3 minutes later i hear the argument between my mom and step-dad escalate to the point that my mom stormed out of the house and left. When she came back, she was saying how disappointed she was in me for "turning on her" like that, when all my life she had taught me that you shouldn't solve a non-physical argument by getting physical. I try to stop the stuff, and my mom says i've "broken her heart" for "turning on her".
This is just really bad, and i dont see it clearing up quickly like the other fights they've had. And honestly, i dont know what to do.

[Zeb The Troll]

My sister made the mistake of sighing about this, and my mom turns around and starts yelling at her about trying to be condescending, and then shoves my sister. I stepped between them, b/c i wanted to end whatever was going on.Good move, in my view.


My mom then yelled at me, and attempted to shove me out of the way, but I shoved her backwards instead.Bad move.


When she came back, she was saying how disappointed she was in me for "turning on her" like that, when all my life she had taught me that you should solve a non-physical argument by getting physical.Did you mean to phrase that like that?

As for righting things with your mother, I'd advise having a conversation that apologizes for getting physically violent with her while at the same time points out that what she did in pushing your sister wasn't right either. What transpired was an inappropriate response to an inappropriate situation. Maybe suggest that she owes your sister an apology as well. Give her a hug and reassure her that you weren't turning on her, you were protecting your sister, because that's what brothers do. It's only a suggestion.

[ForzaFiori]

Good move, in my view.

Bad move.

Did you mean to phrase that like that?

As for righting things with your mother, I'd advise having a conversation that apologizes for getting physically violent with her while at the same time points out that what she did in pushing your sister wasn't right either. What transpired was an inappropriate response to an inappropriate situation. Maybe suggest that she owes your sister an apology as well. Give her a hug and reassure her that you weren't turning on her, you were protecting your sister, because that's what brothers do. It's only a suggestion.

fixed my above post. I ment shouldn't.
during my mom's (rather large) lecture when she came back about all the ways we had screwed up, I mentioned that i shouldn't have pushed her and that i was just standing up for my sister, and it seemed to make her even madder. My mom made it seem like i should have just stood by and watched it happen, and that i should have been fine doing that.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Mf11: Before I go on, I must tell you about certain powers parents have. The history of this power is lost in antiquity, but I have theorized that it is mystic in nature and potent beyond anything else known to man. The DC is beyond measure, and you must roll a natural 100 on d100 to save. This power has unlimited range, working easily through telephones. And the power is this...

Regardless of the "child's" age, when berated by the parent, the "child" will become a five-year-old, unable to speak in defense, often studying the ground, embarrassed for having done whatever it is the "child" did, right or wrong.

I'm 40, and my father can turn me into a silent five-year-old with apparent ease. It's scary. :smalleek:

That said, my suggestion is not going to be easy. But I don't think further harm could be done by trying. Talk to your mom, starting with an apology for having shoved her. Tensions run high during a fight, and thinking is not a priority. Explain that it was more than trying to defend your sister, but that you stepped beteen your mother and sibling in the hopes of stopping things before they escalated. Then apologize further because things escalated anyway.

Personally, I fear the perpetual anger in your home will have a lasting effect on you and your sister. My biological mother ensured that ours was never a happy home. In a recent conversation with my brother, he told me she was now a diabetic. Normally, I show concern for those who share my chronic illness. When he told me, my response was, "Caring in five...four...three...two...one. I care. Next subject?"

I can only hope things improve in your home before things come to a nasty head as they did when I was younger. :smalleek:

[Quincunx]

*shrug* She's lost 'do as I say, not as I do' and will have to come to terms with that without your input. It might not be a bad idea to underline your commitment to defend your sister first and foremost, forestalling any demand to defend either parent.

[Serpentine]

I think, too, that you shouldn't be afraid to tell her what you feel. It isn't fair for her/them to yell and fight in front of you - as said, it could have long-lasting detrimental effects on you - and she needs to have her behaviour brought to her attention.

edit: I can't know just how bad it is getting, but it might also be worth informing her that if she touches your sister like that again you'll go to the authorities. That behaviour was bad news.

[Xykon_Fan]

Okay, so I don't have any problems going on. I was just reading over the last two pages because...I don't really know, actually. I'll just chalk it up to the 95% of my brain that never really makes any sense anyway. Either way, I thought I might say something.

During a fairly significant portion of my teenage years (I'm 18 now for those of you wandering over to my profile), I was pretty seriously depressed. I'm honestly not sure if I am clinically depressed or not. I suspect I am though. The point is, I had problems for years with self-esteem issues, apathy, and some really morbid thoughts. I never went so far as to attempt suicide. (Thank God. Quite literally, in my case.) I did have a lot of suicidal thoughts though, and almost took out my family once or twice. I nearly turned completely bad a few times because of severely twisted logic that, horrifyingly, actually made some sense and still does. (Not going into that right now though. Suffice to say I dealt with it.)

I learned a few things from it. I don't know if the other teenagers on here are going through what I went through, but a lot of the stuff seems similar. Here's what I usually council friends I have that are going through the same stuff.

In my experience, self-esteem is a huge portion of it. Depression is like a fire. It can't really survive when it's not given any fuel, and I've found that when I start to think I suck, it kicks in within a few hours, if not seconds. I'd seriously recommend looking at yourself objectively here...literally...here, on this forum. I barely find anyone on this forum who isn't a great person, with a tremendous amount of love for those in pain, especially in this thread. (Ugh, I'm *so* not writing this well.) I'd say measure yourself by the same standard you measure others. You'll find you're not anywhere near as bad as you keep telling yourself you are. Your standards for yourself shouldn't be incredibly high compared to your standards for others. For instance, talking to girls comes up a lot here. Believe it or not, it's incredibly difficult for a lot of people. I have an amazing girlfriend, and I'm *still* freaked out when I talk to her sometimes because I *so* badly don't want to screw this up. Stop telling yourself that you suck too. Just assume that you're a great person, and say it, out loud, a few times. If you say it to yourself often enough, especially when you're having trouble with this all, it will actually help. If you can't say, "I think I'm a great person," and actually believe it, at least say, "a whole bunch of freaking awesome people on GITP love me and think I'm great."

Hmmm...this is gonna get so long that no one will read it.

Okay, I'll just say one more thing. Do stuff that you enjoy that's not destructive. I'm not saying do whatever you want, but occasionally have fun doing something different. I can't stay in the same place or do the same thing for too long or I start freaking out. If you don't feel motivated to do anything, get up and go running. I find it really helps. I get the "runner's high" at the same time as I exercise and release a lot of my ADD pent-up energy.

Okay, I've said what I wanted to. I sincerely hope that helps, and if not, that at least I didn't say something that's going to screw everyone up.

[The Rose Dragon]

I was posting a bunch of things, but I got logged off. Darn.

At any rate, short version: I am possessed of emotionally and socially stunted growth; I am a terrible student; I'm lonely and sad; I'll never get better because I can't try.

Trust me, it sounds better in the long version, but my arm aches. And my problems just seem so... insignificant. Although I heard that's a tell-tale sign of depression. But my psychiatrist says I'm not depressed, so I think I'm not. But I do take anti-depressants. Rexapin and Lustral, in case you're wondering. 10 and 50 milligrams, respectively.

And... umm... hugs all around?

[Xykon_Fan]

*Hug/glomp/general all around yayness*

Second, how'd your post come from, like, inside a portion of my fragmented mind. Weeeeird...

Anyway, whenever you're ready to tell us the long version, please do, but until then, I'd suggest trying to do two things. First, make sure you have an opinion other than one psychiatrist's. From the sound of it, you may actually be chemically depressed. If that's not the case, you may just be mentally depressed. Either way, it's a good thing to know if you're having problems because of chemical imbalance or because you're in a funk, y'know?

Others know more about this stuff, I'm sure, but I know sometimes it could be a problem with the meds actually causing the depression.

[Dragonrider]

^^^Xy, that was a great post. :smallsmile:

[DarkLightDragon]

I posted this a while ago:


I seem to be feeling down myself lately. It seems to happen at random. One moment, I could be greatly enjoying something, only to be bored or depressed when whatever I'm enjoying ends. It's happened before. I also keep feeling annoyed that I don't get out of the house more to socialise. I've always been fine by myself but now I feel like I want to talk to other people. I'm thinking about looking for hobby groups but I don't know what type of group I should look for or how to get started with the searching. If anyone could help with this, I would appreciate it.

and got angry that there were no responses (which is why I haven't checked the thread in a while), but I've come to my senses and realised I was being selfish. Anyway, what made me decide to come back was actually a dream I had a few nights ago and have been thinking about since.

In the dream, I was pretty badly injured. I was covered in bandages, had those cast things and was in a wheelchair. I could hardly move, but I was able to control the wheelchair. I could also make it do tiny jumps.

Now we've got that over with, let's get onto the main part of the dream. I was somewhere that I can't remember when a woman came up to me and offered help. Suddenly I was on my feet, grabbing her round the neck and yelling up a storm.

Next part I remember, I was at home, thinking about what had happened "earlier" and feeling upset about it. I was doing those little jumps in an attempt to get past some internet cables on the floor, but it wasn't working. My mum comes in and offers help. That's all I remember of the dream, so I can't tell you what I said because I don't know.

I've been spending the last few days thinking about what this dream could mean. I think it's related to my social problems. Me being injured could represent my mistrust and upset and stuff like that, while the woman who came to me could be someone who is genuinely concerned for me, and I end up doing what I did because I can't tell that she's genuine and am angry that she could be trying to make a fool out of me.

I haven't quite worked out what the cables and my mum represent, although, as I was typing this, ideas started coming to me. Being hindered by the cables could be connected (no pun intended) to my wanting to get out more, since I spend most of my time inside and on the internet and am getting bored of doing the same things every day. These things can be fun, but the fun level starts to drop after too much of it. My mum could represent comfort and hope, and reassurance that I can get through this.

I'm not complaining in this post. I'm more contemplating. Hm...

[Xykon_Fan]

@DLD: Seems like it could be true. And let's face it, even if that wasn't the meaning of the dream, your interpretation of it points to stuff anyway. I'd say that you should definitely try out that hobby thing. What are your interests?

[Thes Hunter]

m11,

My off the cuff gut reaction to what is going on with your mother is that it sounds like she may be co-dependent.

Do as I say not as I do, is a big portion of co-dependent behavior. Also, motivating by guilt and making people feel like they aren't treating her right because they don't know how much she is sacrificing, when she isn't sacrificing at all.

If she is co-dependent is needs to take responsibility for her own feelings. No one makes her feel mad. She chooses to be mad and chooses to act in the way she did. You and your sister did not 'make' her do anything.

I don't have any good links right on hand for co-dependency, but a good resource I recently discovered on trying to take responsibility for your own emotions is surprising "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People."

One of the central tenants is that you are in control of your emotions and attitude, and what emotions and attitude you have, have large impacts on your life and the ease with you can deal with others.

Not saying that reading the book will magically help the relationship with your mother. But it might help you screw your head on right and give you a sense of self to help you get through this.

As for your question on being able to stay with your father... First talk to her to see if you can get her to agree. You may have to find a way to put it where it sounds like you are thinking of her, and not yourself to get her to sign on. Like maybe say that you feel that your presence in the house is causing a disruption and you don't want that disruption to ruin her marriage to your step dad. (You don't really have to agree with the perception, just try to see things from the way she might, even if that way is twisted.)

I am assuming that you are also contacting your dad and asking if he is willing to have you come stay with him... but if your mom doesn't agree, this is where legal issues come in.

Each state is different. You may be able to make your choice at your age now, or you might not be legally allowed to yet. Try to look into it as much as you can on the internet, but if this is really important, save up a small chunk of cash (I don't think you will need anything more than 300) and retain a lawyer. Nothing makes adults take you seriously like having your own lawyer.

Ok, I hope my off the cuff advice helps you at least a little bit.

[DarkLightDragon]

@DLD: Seems like it could be true. And let's face it, even if that wasn't the meaning of the dream, your interpretation of it points to stuff anyway. I'd say that you should definitely try out that hobby thing. What are your interests? What sort of stuff do you think my interpretation points to?

As for hobbies, the only ones I can think of are gaming and multimedia (specifically computer graphics). And dragons, of course. I go to a youth group on friday nights, and am going to a yugioh tournament this weekend, but that's pretty much it for my social life.

[QueenOfMemnoch]

So, some of you may or may not have read my post a week or so back, which you may or may not have noticed is gone.
Why is it gone? Someone here, a friend of mine (though I have no idea who it is) thought it would be a grand idea to send my posts to my significant other, which led to a lot of fights, crying, and so on in the past week.

At first, I was really angry at that person, because I know they did it in spite, because they also told my SO other things and whatnot. In the end, though, I wanted to thank them, because it worked out in ALL aspects of my life that I was having troubles with, especially with my SO.

I also wanted to thank the rest of you who gave me advice and let me know that this isn't just me; feeling unsure of what our purpose is is normal, and what not.

Instead of a plant, I bought myself a fish, as I mentioned in Random Banter, to give myself something to do everyday. I'm researching beliefs, and found something I might not have issue with believing, and I finally found something in University that makes me want to go to class, that I might want to do for the rest of my life: Cultural Anthropology.

Thank you guys so much. You have no idea how much you all helped me, and how happy these past few days have been.

[Xykon_Fan]

What sort of stuff do you think my interpretation points to?

As for hobbies, the only ones I can think of are gaming and multimedia (specifically computer graphics). And dragons, of course. I go to a youth group on friday nights, and am going to a yugioh tournament this weekend, but that's pretty much it for my social life.

I'm just saying. Even if the dream was just random events, how you interpret them tells you that those are problems you believe you have. It sounds like, even if you interpreted it wrong, your interpretation still brings light to some issues and you can deal with them better. See? (Sorry, so much of what I say sometimes doesn't make sense. I'll try to make sure it's understandable, but even then I get a lot of :smallsigh: on a regular basis.)

Hmmm...depending on how much cash isn't a problem, there's always a LAN cafe. You may meet some people there who would want to do something on a regular basis. (Computer graphics are pretty awesome by the way.) If there's someone nearby who either is willing to mentor you, collaborate with you, or needs a mentor, you could always make that sort of deal with them.

Dragons...does that extend to D&D? Gaming groups, at least in my experience, can be a lot of fun. I had a group that ran out of my church though, a rare thing indeed, and so I haven't experienced what a "normal" group is like.

Is the youth group run out of a church, etc. or is it some other form of youth group I don't know about? If it is run out of church, are they the sort of people who would be open to the activities you like, or would their parents try to burn you at the stake for playing Demons & Destruction (D&D), Yugioh, etc.

Hey, and while you're at the tournament, if you're watching another match going on or have downtime, see if you can branch out and chat with other people for a while about the game and stuff. If you're allowed to, sit with a group of people and talk about the strategies of the current fight you're all looking at. The whole thing can start with something as simple as just saying "that was a nice move" or "oh my gosh, what was he thinking?"

I hope that helps...sorry for length.

[Ego Slayer]

Ego needs to make vague rants about crap.


So... the last four or so days have been unbearable. Once one thing starts depressing me, it drags everything down with it. I don't want to go to sleep at night because I dread waking up the next morning; 10+ hours of Hell, waiting for evening again so I can sit back down at the computer and try to distract myself until some early hour of the morning, before starting it all over again. Everything is loose ends. Halfway through the school year, and I don't know what I've done. Failing royally, I imagine. I don't know how to catch up to where I should be, and I have no motivation to even try. Bit of a daunting task when all I really want is to go back to sleep because I'm still not getting enough. I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to die, I've accomplished nothing thus far that doesn't end up a mess or useless (academically, artistically, or other certain more personal things), and I'm scared of everything. I'm sick of crying and breathing and thinking... I'm already emotionally and physically exhausted to begin with. Lately, I've done nothing... all day. What the hell do I do every day?! I could scream... even right now, it's 2:40pm, and I've gotten nothing done. I try being optimistic, plan on doing a couple things when I wake up... but I end up having no motivation. I can't even use any of my usual stress relievers, namely <musical instrument>, because it ends up depressing the hell out of me. I'm cold and I think I just want to curl up with someone and hide... forget everything. I don't even have a chance at that right now.

Doesn't feel like I expressed how sick I feel about everything right now, but... oh well.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Ego needs to make vague rants about crap.


So... the last four or so days have been unbearable. Once one thing starts depressing me, it drags everything down with it. I don't want to go to sleep at night because I dread waking up the next morning; 10+ hours of Hell, waiting for evening again so I can sit back down at the computer and try to distract myself until some early hour of the morning, before starting it all over again. Everything is loose ends. Halfway through the school year, and I don't know what I've done. Failing royally, I imagine. I don't know how to catch up to where I should be, and I have no motivation to even try. Bit of a daunting task when all I really want is to go back to sleep because I'm still not getting enough. I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to die, I've accomplished nothing thus far that doesn't end up a mess or useless (academically, artistically, or other certain more personal things), and I'm scared of everything. I'm sick of crying and breathing and thinking... I'm already emotionally and physically exhausted to begin with. Lately, I've done nothing... all day. What the hell do I do every day?! I could scream... even right now, it's 2:40pm, and I've gotten nothing done. I try being optimistic, plan on doing a couple things when I wake up... but I end up having no motivation. I mostly can't even use any of my usual stress relievers, namely <internet>, because it ends up depressing the hell out of me. I'm cold and I think I just want to curl up with someone and hide... forget everything. I don't even have a chance at that right now.

Doesn't feel like I expressed how sick I feel about everything right now, but... oh well.


How I feel... I just edited it a bit...*hugs*

[SweetLikeLemons]

Ego Slayer, I have no qualifications other that having experienced something similar, but that sounds like depression. Please, please, find someone who can help you. Starting therapy can be pretty daunting, but if you are a college student, there is probably a student health service which may have therapists on staff. If they don't, they can probably give you a referral. Once you have that set up, look into what resources your school has for salvaging your grades. Most schools have some sort of program to help students who are struggling, because despite how it might seem, they don't really like it when you fail. Just remember, they want you to become a successful alumnus who they can brag about and ask for money, so it is in their best interest to help you out now. Also, if you can face it, talk to your parents about this. If you don't have the energy and motivation to seek help, it can be a lifesaver having someone else to help you get started.

I say all this with the benefit of my 20/20 hindsight. I felt much the same way through most of my college career, and I ended up dropping out with my GPA in the subterranean levels. Looking back, I wish I had asked for help a lot sooner.

The other thing I highly recommend is exercise. If you can force yourself to accomplish just one thing between waking and sleeping (and believe me, I know that can be tough. I have my own days where just getting up and dressed can feel like a huge triumph), it should be something active. Exercise has been shown to be highly effective in battling depression. I pretty much self-medicated my way through high school by working out regularly, and I think stopping that when I got to college was one of the reasons I crashed and burned.

Whatever you end up doing, I hope it works out for. And remember, the forums are full of people who care about you and are rooting for you. We are here to listen anytime you need to talk, and even though we are no substitute for actual therapy, just talking to someone can be a good first step. But, please, talk about this with a professional, too.

[Ego Slayer]

SweetLikeLemons -

Oh, yeah... I know I'm depressed. Been like this since 14 or so. Went through my fair share of self injury and suicidal thoughts. Don't feel bad to admit it anymore...

I really, really do not want 'professional' help. I can't quite say what about that repulses me. It's... just about the last thing on my list to try. It wouldn't be worth it if I don't want to pull my weight in the process? Last resort. I know exercise is probably the best bet right now. Maybe it'd get me hungry enough to actually eat, too. :smallsigh: It's all still motivation, though. I'd just think about how, even if I AM doing something good, there are so many other (more?) important things to do...

[TigerHunter]

Ego--
As someone who feels the exact same way nearly all of the time, please, PLEASE give professional help a try. My symptoms are the same as yours, have been for almost a year now. For most of that almost-year, I refused point blank to even consider seeing any sort of psycho-doctor, and being openly hostile to the profession in general. When I finally caved into my friend's urges to go talk with the school counselor, I walked away from her office feeling better than I had in months. I'm working on setting up an appointment with a new psychiatrist and getting back on anti-depressants.

I don't know much about your past... but my own experience with psycho-doctors was less than pleasant, and as a result I felt an extreme amount of animosity towards them. This was largely because my parents had been forcing me to see them, and had gone so far as to have the police drag me off to the hospital for weeks at a time. Twice. I'm sure the doctors there were competent and kind-hearted, but the hell that I remember the hospital as colored my memories of them, and made me feel that paying someone to care, as I called it, wouldn't help at all.

I walked down to the counselor's office of my own free will, and it helped more than I thought any one thing could help, short of acts of God. You're in college now--your parents aren't forcing pills down your throat, or handing out punishments by the dozen if you won't speak with the doctor. Give medicine a chance, or a second chance as the case may be. Please. :smallsmile:

[SurlySeraph]

@ Ego Slayer: I've been in your situation before, many times. (Such as... well, the last time was two weeks ago). You get into a bad pattern: you have a lot of work to do, so you're stressed, so you do something for stress relief, so you don't get your work down, so you have a lot of work to do, etc.

What you have to do is break the pattern. Shatter it. Get out of the spiral, because the longer you're in that pattern the harder it is to change. The crucial thing - the first step - is sleep. Go to sleep at about the same time every night. And that time shouldn't be 3 AM. You need to get 8 or more hours of sleep. When you should go to sleep depends on when you need to get up, but aim for 10 or 11 PM. You might not feel tired, because you get used to not getting enough sleep, but you won't be at full capacity. When you're back in a good sleep pattern and are fully awake during the entire day, it's much easier to get your work done and to approach what you need to get done rationally.

The second part of changing is doing your work. One thing that works for me is that, as soon as I get home, I start doing reading or math problems. Do NOT start with work that you need to use the computer for - you'll get distracted early, and end up wasting the afternoon. What you want to do is spend most of the afternoon doing work that you can't use the computer for, so you won't get on the computer early enough to waste much time on it.

Of course, if you stay up late on the computer every night to begin with that throws a wrench into things. Try to save one piece of work (preferably something short) that you can't use the computer for until later in the evening. Your work schedule should be like: Get home, do most of your reading/math/other non-computer work, then do your computer work, then take a break, have dinner, etc., then the last piece of non-computer work, then go to sleep.

Also, when you're taking breaks, use a timer. A timer that beeps as obnoxiously as possible after, say, half an hour. If you don't have something telling you to stop taking a break, you won't.

So, in summary: reset your sleep patterns, start working immediately when you get home (and work in your free periods at school, if possible), and don't be on the computer right before you intend to go to sleep.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Ego needs to make vague rants about crap.


So... the last four or so days have been unbearable. Once one thing starts depressing me, it drags everything down with it. I don't want to go to sleep at night because I dread waking up the next morning; 10+ hours of Hell, waiting for evening again so I can sit back down at the computer and try to distract myself until some early hour of the morning, before starting it all over again. Everything is loose ends. Halfway through the school year, and I don't know what I've done. Failing royally, I imagine. I don't know how to catch up to where I should be, and I have no motivation to even try. Bit of a daunting task when all I really want is to go back to sleep because I'm still not getting enough. I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to die, I've accomplished nothing thus far that doesn't end up a mess or useless (academically, artistically, or other certain more personal things), and I'm scared of everything. I'm sick of crying and breathing and thinking... I'm already emotionally and physically exhausted to begin with. Lately, I've done nothing... all day. What the hell do I do every day?! I could scream... even right now, it's 2:40pm, and I've gotten nothing done. I try being optimistic, plan on doing a couple things when I wake up... but I end up having no motivation. I can't even use any of my usual stress relievers, namely <musical instrument>, because it ends up depressing the hell out of me. I'm cold and I think I just want to curl up with someone and hide... forget everything. I don't even have a chance at that right now.

Doesn't feel like I expressed how sick I feel about everything right now, but... oh well.

It's the Zombie. It's ALWAYS the Zombie's fault. Now, what you REALLY need is some "Barbarian Monk Lovin'." Too bad you're WAY too young for that. :smalltongue:

Ego, I think I can understand why you don't want to run off to therapy. Part of it is a trust issue. Another is that it's a 50/50 shot at finding someone even worth talking to professionally.

My suggestions:

1. Break the cycle you're in. Surly is right. These patterns that are asserting themselves can be broken with some effort. What you might do to help this along is change some of your atmosphere. Burn incense or scented candles. Play soothing music with no lyrics to help you relax. "Focus, Daniel-san. Focus power. Make good punch." (Or something like that.)

2. Take breaks to do those things you like to do most. Take pictures...threaten souls on Post-its with a lighter...write long letters to that special someone. It's a matter of doing those things that cause your body to unload a dose of natural endorphins into your bloodstream.

3. Can't break the cycle on your own? Talk to your doctor about the symptoms. Maybe you need therapy. Maybe you need meds. (Maybe you need some Barbarian Monk lovin'? Nahhhhh! No doctor in their right mind would prescribe that. :smallwink: ) Whatever the case may be, once you've tried on your own, and if you discover you just can't do it, then you really should seek some help.

Hope parts of my medication-induced silliness helped add a smile to your day. Further instructions are in my sig in bold print. :smallsmile:

[sktarq]

I really, really do not want 'professional' help. I can't quite say what about that repulses me. It's... just about the last thing on my list to try. It wouldn't be worth it if I don't want to pull my weight in the process? Last resort. I know exercise is probably the best bet right now. Maybe it'd get me hungry enough to actually eat, too. :smallsigh: It's all still motivation, though. I'd just think about how, even if I AM doing something good, there are so many other (more?) important things to do...

I totally understand your wish to avoid "professional" help. and several of Bor ans Seraph's ideas are right on the money. Particularly with the shaking up your not so helpful routine or barely sleeping and "doing nothing". Also the break timer thing is a great one-look for such timers in the Kitchenware isle next time you are out getting snacks. You say you set even minor goals for yourself but can work up the motivation to complete them, have you tried writing them down on a "to do" list. Silly as it sounds there is a great satisfaction and building of confidence when you check tasks off physically with such a list. It also helps with focus (particularly not being overwhelmed or constantly distracted ADD style with so many things needing to be fixed in your life), organization, and just getting things done for alot of people.
You say exercise is likly your best bet but you can't get yourself to the gym? This is where friends shine. Ask a friend to be your gym partner, tell her not to allow you to flake out. Best bet ask someone else who doesn't go to the gym much but wants to. Mutual responsibility helps you both go.
To a large extent the same thing goes for studying too. see if you can ask classmates if they want to form study/homework groups together. May even help pick up your grades.
and as for someone to curl up with and cry on-I'd bet you that that problem will solve itself if you fix the other. Particularly as social life via the study groups and gym picks up. (And I'd not prescibe Barbarian Monk, Flumph, Grumpy Angel, or any other barely-know-you-internet-people loving ATM)

Best of luck and we're here with advice, good wishes, or venting targets as nessesary.

[CurlyKitGirl]

Once upon a time there was a man and a woman. They had a nice relationship but they weren't . . . compatible. It was never intended to be long term. Then then woman found out she was pregnant.
A truly unwanted child; the woman got engaged to the man and they were happy enough. The child was born and the arrangments for the marriage went ahead.
A date was set. 19th September. Three days before the wedding the man's brother was killed in a mysterious fishing accident. The man's family said the wedding could go ahead but they couldn't celebrate it. They were mourning. The woman's family boycotted the ceremony in protest. The problems began.
Deep down the man and the woman began to resent their daughter. The Bad Luck Charm.
Each day they left her at her maternal grandparents and picked her up at eight in the evening. Soon they could put a deposit down on the house. A house nearly ten miles away from their families. Isolated. The woman became pregnant three more times.
And with each passing yes she hated her husband more and more and more. The house and her Bad Luck Charm became despised. Both took her away from her home and family. The others were wanted ad kept her distracted from Him. She look too much like Him for the woman to truly love her.
In the Bad Luck Charm was constantly pushed and was always best. Not just in her year; but school. The teachers deprived her of help and homework. Eventually every mite of help they gave Bad Luck Charm was diverted to her main 'enemies' - her best friends. And still she excelled. Until boredom started. With each month her performance worsened. The work was always too easy for her. She never bothered with it. She retreated into the puzzling world of literature and stories. The school took them away from her.
Then her brother was expelled for being Different. They had to move. The woman was happy. She had her home and family nearby. The man worked longer and longer hours. Bad Luck Charm discovered school work again. The cycle began to repeat itself. But she could read if she did the work. Her life pearled over in a shimering coat of fiction.
For defence.
At home the woman hated her more and more. But the woman never realised it. And the woman started to disintegrate. Bad Luck Charm became the one to blame for everything. Bad Luck Charm did all the work in e mornings and only work the woman so they could all walk to chool together. And the woman told Bad Luck Charm how worthless and unwanted BLC was. Bad Luck Charm was eight; and a mother caring for her siblings; doing all she could. But she believed the woman anyway. She was a child losing her naivity slowly and only where it wasn't noticeable. "Family's are nothing". "You are a useless accident. Die." "Why did you live? I should have aborted you." Day in; day out.
Bad Luck Charm built her own shell of knowledge and fiction to shield herself from things she never knew weren't normal. She would get hit sometimes - once a week mostly. She suffered almost perpetual verbal abuse. But that's a normal family right? Bad Luck Charm never became friends with people. She could only watch from the outskirts. And at home she began to wake up at five thirty am. Sleep at ten pm. She was eleven. Her exams started. They were fantastic. The man and the woman hated them. She couldn't learn anything.
Big school was the same. Coast - excel - derision and pyschological damage. And then the woman and the man started telling her awful things. "Your loony old man's been f****** your brothers an any old tart when he works." But the dates never fit. "Your mother's a fruit cake. She can barely look after you all." Truth. And each and every accusation and truth they poured into her stuck and fractured Bad Luck Charm's heart and soul. She began to fear waking in mornings. Reveling in sleep and her love: books. She discovered writing. Many people wanted Bad Luck Charm's work published. Bad Luck Charm was begged to be put up a year. The man and woman refused. Every single time. "She's a worthless pile of [ommited word] and doesn't deserve it." Bad Luck Charm won a national Competition for a poem based on a book when she was thirteen. "She plagiarised it all" the woman said.
The man was always working. Bad Luck Charm coped with the morning routine. Sleeplessness began. At nights she would stare at the ceiling wishing to never wake up. And that Heaven would let her see her beloved Caspar-Dog once more. Her autistic brother became worse. The woman spent more and more time on the three younger siblings. Bad Luck Charm sought to hide her self destruction and aching pain with avoidance. She built a storng strong wall around herself. Locked all the bad things away. Hope. Pride. Achievment. Hate. And the devouring, despairing destruction she called Bleak.
Her sixteenth birthday was universally despised and ignored by all she knew. Not one card; not even the £20 of absent minded "We acknowledge your existance now get lost" thrust into her worn palm she used to get.
The wall she fortified so well started to shift. Two weeks passed. She got her money. But all the poisonous black thoughts of the man and woman had let Bleak and all the little demons and blessings out. Once. Just once she took a dozen paracetamol at once. Survived. Her attendance plummeted and all she could do was to lose her deteriorating world and live in another.
Her GCSEs came. Great results! As and A*s. She got one B. "Worthless little cow. You'll never get what you want. Better go crab cracking bitch."
This nearly forced her over the thin, thin brink. She tried to stop Fury; Bleak and Hate. Forced them into the Bad Box.
Put on the happy face she had crafted at 10. Told all her real friends. People she'd never seen and never would. Created her own perfect fantasy world where he was loved.
She started college. At nights she'd lie awake until three or four am crying. But she always thought her tears were cried out of her. Her night was silent soul shattering cries and pain, loneliness and helplessness. All the while the man and woman demanded that she absorb all the darness in their lives. Stripped light and hope from hers. Bad Luck Charm began to drown in negativity.
Academia bored her again. No books this time. No fantasy - corrupted by the family. Apathy set in. No reading ever now. Just creating her face for her little sunshine life on the internet. Where she was valued.
Suicide is an ever-present thought in her mind when she forgets to wear her Sunshine Face. And every night she lies awake; suffering from sleep loss and always sleeping on her bus to boredom.
Bad Luck Charm needs to run away from the man and the woman. She can't. A dependant she will remain. Not even the man and woman's families can hide her from them. She doesn't want to lose what little light she nurtured to Them. Deep down Bad Luck Charm still loves them and is afraid to leave or be found by them. She will escape soon. But even them the man and the woman want her to give up her life-long dream and stay as close to their searing hatred. To take the blows intended for each other into her fractured heart. And for Bad Luck Charm to try to make them love their family; or at least callously dislike her.
There are many days now where she can't cry properly. Just heaving dry sobs and lashing out at people with her brittle sharpened soul fragments. Because hurting others stops her hurting. And then feeds Bleak.
Bad Luck Charm secretly wants someone to hold onto forever; hug her and tell her everything is all right while she cries and cries until the pain begins to leave her. It will never happen. Even her internet friends and maybe-family only know the Sunshine Face.
Who can care for damaged goods?

[sktarq]

TACKLEHUG CKG!

Right your parents think you trash? One man's trash is another's man treasure. Pearls before swine.

[TigerHunter]

*hugs*
It's not going to be a miracle cure... but college can definitely be seen as a fresh start. A chance to put all of that behind you.

How long until you can get out of there?

[Reinboom]

I do not post much here, I do not find that I would be of much help. However, CurlyKitGirl, I must please ask you to take care. You are loved, and, included in my metaphorical hugged world as much as anyone else.
Just a bit more extra.

I may not seem that talkative in the msn chat groups, but, I am commonly active - I have a PM box, a messenger open, and, whatever you need to spill, I have eyes and/or ears.

You are a great person from what I've read, albeit, I'm still going to heal indurain more - sorry, sort of a personal pact :smalleek: - *ehrm*
I wish you happiness. And anything I can do to try to help.

*provides much kitty hugs*

[PhoeKun]

CurlyKitGirl:
I don't really know you all that well. Perhaps I should say "at all", but I have at least read some of your posts before... so there is that, at least.

I want to say a lot to you, but I'm not really sure how to say it, or being a stranger in your life, if I really even have business saying it in the first place. And, I keep thinking about it, but I'm just not sure. Your story is beyond anything that a person should have to go through in one life, especially one yet so short.

There is something that I can definitely tell, you, though. I read your story, and I started to cry. I felt sad for you, and I wanted to do something to help you... and do you know what that means? You are not unlovable. Not even close. So please, don't stop hoping. Keep hope in your friends, and hope in your future. Life does get better. And it will. Not right away, or all at once, but it will. Please, don't be afraid to cry, or to feel hurt. But don't give up hope. You are not unlovable. People care about you. Even now, when it feels like no one could...

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

@ CKG: It would seem some parents are not designed to have children...ever.

I grew up in similar circumstances. My father was a master of hiding in plain sight. There was no bothering him when he was in his home "office," and he was "relaxing" when watching TV, and therefore off limits to discuss anything serious.

My mother...well, none of her children were good enough. Had I not been called "Rob" by friends and other family members, it's possible I would have grown up thinking my name was "Bastard" or "Son of a Bitch." Things were so bad that my younest brother, who was adopted as an infant, would often scream at our mother, "Why did you even bother to adopt me?"

Such "happy" memories don't serve any purpose other than to remind me of who I DON'T want to be.

And that's how you should use your history...provided it's you we're speaking of. (Seems everyone is assuming BLC is CKG. Not unreasonable, but also not confirmed.) I was brought up to hate others. My father and brothers were/are quick with racial slurs, and my father would also comment too often about "women drivers." My mother seemed to hate everyone who was not of some use to her. Considering such influences, it's amazing I am the person I am today.

But more importantly, it should give you hope. Perhaps you'll never fully escape the depression and trauma of your upbringing. But that doesn't mean you have to let such circumstances rule your life. You can love, and be loved. You can care, and be cared for. You can be beautiful, and find beauty. It may take some work, but these things can happen...and do, right here.

Here are two *HUGS!* Use one now, and keep the other in your pocket for when you need it.

[Dragonrider]

Curly, I want you to know that everyone here cares so much about you and loves you and hopes things will be okay. *hugs* I can't do much for you other than say that we really care about you and want you to be happy. :smallsmile: and *hugs* and *chocolate*

[Serpentine]

Oh Curly, that's no way to grow up. The following things are not your problem:
Your parents' relationship.
Your mother's state of mind.

The following are not your fault:
Your birth.
Your parents' relationship.
Your mother's state of mind.
The abuse (and emotional abuse is fully as serious as physical).

The only person you need to prove anything to is yourself. So what if your parents are too self-absorbed to be proud of you? Be proud of yourself, you clearly deserve it. There is nothing you can do for your parents, and you shouldn't feel like there should be. After crap like that, it's an achievement - a big, very worthy achievement - that you're here at all, much less that you're as wonderful a person as you seem to be and doing well at university to boot.
You're in the US aren't you? I don't know the system there, but I know here at least, it's possible to be declared independent if your parents aren't willing to support you. Normally it needs a letter from them, but I'm sure there's ways to get around it if they're not willing even to do that. If you're not willing to try to break from them, well, you'll get away from them (or is it mostly her?) eventually. Just hang on until then.

[banjo1985]

Looks glum :smallfrown:

There are things that I read that make my blood boil, and I guess poor CKG's story is one of them. All I can really say is that none of it is your fault, and it's not your responsibility to keep it all bottled up to yourself. That's more than enough for anyone to handle, and I truely truely fear for you.

I can't even begin to provide any sort of advice. All I'll say is that if the internet can be your solace, then we are all here to help, if only with positive feelings. If at all possible get away to college out of the family home. Such a poisonous atmosphere is no home for anyone to endure, least of all someone as apparently bright and engaging as you...

Finally...a hug, for whatever help it may be.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Seeing that Banjo posted in the Depression thread made me sad, Banjo, you belong in the Happy thread!...

[Shraik]

CKG: I have to say, sometimes the worst people to listen to are your parents. If they really think so badly of you, its there fault. You are not a mistake, because obviously the people want you here, and no one is a mistake. Everyone is here for their own reason. Don't listen to your mother. You are wanted. *hugs*

[Xykon_Fan]

@CKG: I'm assuming BLC is you since no one writes that way without personal experience. If I'm wrong in that assumption, I apologize for the following post.

I'm so sorry that all happened to you, and as someone who is nigh-pathological in his lack of caring about what happens to himself or others (not in a bad way, per se. I'm not apathetic about life, I just don't really react strongly when someone tells me they have medical problems and the like), that's a big deal. It's really rough that you had to live with that, and I hope that it turned out better for your siblings since...I'm going to ask you to leave that place. I would advise remaining cordial if they ever make contact, and when/if you tell them you're leaving please remain respectful. Keep yourself who you are, and don't sink to their level and become nasty.

I think my advice is this:
Please leave them as soon as you can. I understand that you might have to stay for a while so you can have college money, etc. but if they're not giving you even that much then I'd leave. I know that you love them, but you need to stay away from them. They'll hurt you more than you can imagine, and I'm sure by now you can imagine a lot of hurt.

I'd say get a full medical check-up at some point to see if the dozen or so pills you took hurt your liver or kidney or gadjamawhatzits (not a medical student).

Past that, I'd really strongly ask you to end this abuse here. Please do not let it become such a part of you that you turn on others because of it to stop the pain. You need to put it all behind you by forgiving them for what they did to you. Forgiving isn't saying it's right or that you like them. It's purely for yourself in this case and you don't even have to tell them you forgave them (probably best you not actually). Forgiving is saying, "Yes, it was wrong and is wrong. Yes, it sucked and still sucks really bad that it happened...but I'm not going to be the one to carry it with me anymore." I'd hate to see you become what you hate already. Please don't start hurting others. It'll put you down a road towards becoming like them.

Love ya, CKG. I realize I may only know your sunshine face, but a little bit of who you are is still in even that.

[Pwenet]

To CKG

I have nothing else to say besides what was talked about over MSN, but just remember we are all here for you.

[Raistlin1040]

This thread makes me sad. I hate looking at it. Because it either means I'm depressed, or someone else is. And it's not fair, because the bad stuff that happens always happens to the nicest people.

Bor is a great guy, and in that's in spite of all the crap going on in his life.

Curly is nice, has a great personality, and has a good sense of humor (You have to, to understand AMEN), and stuff like this happens to her.

And then over where I live, a bunch of jerks and *******s who don't deserve the great houses they live in, and all the nice stuff they have, never have anything happen to them.

It's just not fair. I don't know if I'm useful, but if anyone wants to talk, my PM box is always open. And I'd be glad to give away my IM to anyone who wants to talk a lot.

[Shraik]

Today has been a bad day. Started out, went to my locker, and some kids started mocking me because they found out I like one of their friends. Then, turns out 78 average in math. Next period, was too awkward for me to get my head out of the work we were doing because she sits by me, and I thought she knew. Same goes for lunch. I failed the bio-midterm, and probably the class. Turns out, Karma is a bitter old hag that doesn't listen all the time. Bad things keep happening, the good just isn't coming.

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

I'd like to post this hoping my sister doesn't open the spoiler box, if for any reason just to respect me.
I've suffered from depression for a few years, I'm not exactly sure how many and only got an official diagnosis a few months ago, but that's not the saddest part of the story, it's just a major component.
The story started a few years ago. June 22nd, 9:14 pm when I finally started dating the girl I'd secretly been in love with for yeeeaaars. We didn't get to see much of each other but I think it made what time we did have better, it was truly amazing how good simply knowing the intangible bond we had was there.
At one point she became someone else... she knew it, said what she's seen and what she's experienced has changed her from who she was to who she is, and it was someone else entirely. This didn't immediately break things up... but it put heavy strain.
She tried to break up with me twice, but either because of a feeling of guilt or who knows what, she came back to me(in about an hour or two on average). But one day we talked about it again and she broke up with me for good...
The intangible bond was gone, and I was floating aimlessly through a twisted void of nothingness and despair. My depression kicked in full circle.
I spent every day crying, even at the littlest things. I didn't go to class because I didn't have the will to live, much less spend time learning about english or algebra. I failed all my classes, failing including a pity D from my etching teacher just because he liked me. And still, I'm not at the worst part.
The depression consumed me, it was all there was in my head. I didn't have access to my normal brain, and it turned out it was because it was being hacked away at by the cold horrible blackness that now was my mind. My psyche was utterly shattered and I was always depressed.
Time came where I had to let my mom know what my grades were. So I did. F, F, D, F... she was none too pleased and like hell was I going to let her anger get near my depression to let it kill my mind further. So I told her; I've been hearing voices, whispers and screams. I can't focus on anything, I'm always sad, and spend all the time crying.
We went to a doctor, they asked me questions and I answered truthfully. They didn't want to try anything to root out my depression like talking, apparently when it comes to a psyche shattered like mine but still not completely broken like many people dwelling comfortably in padded rooms do, who have a firm grasp of reality but not firm enough get a treatment of just pills. I took the pills, and after a little while, they worked. I wasn't depressed and my psyche was showing signs of improvement.
A few problems, though. I was still nuts about the girl who broke my heart and my mind, and I could never stop thinking about her. The thoughts weren't always positive, though, sometimes I just wanted to do to her skull what she did to formentioned heart and psyche with a big hammer. But the rest were longing that she would love me again.
I'm in a strange place with that now, so it's a very loose end. In my desperate loneliness, my mind which was not at all used to being alone demanded I seek companionship, and by some sick coincidence I apparently fell into puppy love with only the people I couldn't have. They still don't know it, I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to tell them. But worst of all now is that I love the girl who dumped me just as much as I hate her.
Sometimes when I forget to take my pills for a few days the symptoms are worse than they were before. I hallucinate vividly, things like black tentacles out of the corners of my eyes and in the sky at night, or things moving when they shouldn't be, like for example, light-switches flicking across the wall like water-skipper bugs. When I'm like that I'm a creature of contempt, jealousy, madness and raw anger.
I don't know much else to say, except that I think I'm finally in a state of love with someone besides my ex but the worst part of that is they're in a committed relationship with someone else, and they live in Pennsylvania... while I'm in California. I'm lucky enough though, to be able to say that the person I love is doing their best to pull me out of this hole that life's dug for me and trying to help me completely loosen my grasp from my ex.
Thanks for reading. I wanted a few people in the community I love the most to know my plight if for anything, pity.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

@ Krimm: Time for a Bor story. I'm going to skip certain details, as I don't want to put ideas into people's heads.

And no peeking, Em, out of respect for your brother.

I was in love with a girl many, many moons ago. Hindsight being 20/20, I eventually came to realize it wasn't love, but lust. You couldn't tell me that at the time, though. And when I caught her in the loving embrace of another guy, something in my head snapped.

It started with me kicking an object much larger and heavier than myself. I lashed out with so much force that the bones in the middle of my foot collided and one of them chipped.

So a cast was put on my leg/foot, and I was given painkillers, and my life went on...kinda. I said things to friends that made them eventually run for the hills. I'd been depressed for years, and I was never the happiest camper. But now they fled the scene, many to never look back. It didn't help that the painkillers were narcotic depressants, so my existing poor emotional state was only made worse by those meds.

It came to me that my life was over. The love of my life had abandoned me. The friends I'd had for years were fleeing as fast as they could. I had no job at the time. And what friends I did have were superficial replacements for what I'd lost. I was done.

One morning, I woke up, typed a suicide note, and went about my day. I told no one what I'd planned. I was supposed to hang out with the superficial group that night, but they canceled at the last minute. Thus, come 10 PM, I started drinking...and taking my pain meds. As I said, no details, but I did it in such a way as to ensure I didn't vomit everything back up. I lost consciousness around midnight.

Oddly, at 5 AM, I awoke and thought my blood sugar was dropping. For a guy intent on suicide, I seemed to want to treat this particular symptom. So I stumbled to the kitchen and drank some juice, then headed back to bed.

As I lay there, I looked at the clock. The effective period of the meds had come and gone. I was, to my regret, still alive. Ideas started running through my head of permanent damage I might have done during my first, official suicide attempt. Images of internal organs drying up into raisin-shaped lumps danced through my mind.

I didn't want crippled...I wanted dead. Thus, it was time to get help. I went to my Dad's room to wake him, but...well, Dad can pretty much sleep though anything that isn't a major earthquake, and even that's debatable. Since he wouldn't reply to my verbal request to wake up, my body thought of another method: vomit loudly in his bathroom.

At the hospital, I was made to drink...stuff, including charcoal to absorb the toxins I'd ingested. Oddly, I was not shipped off to a psych ward on that first attempt. Too many medical problems to address, I guess. Broken foot, Tylenol poisoning, liver going a bit berserk because of my night of swallowing very bad things. (I would like to note that the antidote for Tylenol poisoning is sulfur based, and tastes like rotten eggs.)

This isn't to say that my psych issues went unaddressed. A social worker came by to discuss my issues, and she asked me what I planned to do next. "Well, when you leave, I might watch a little TV. Lunch should be coming soon, so I'll eat, then maybe take a nap. After that, who knows? It's moment to moment, day by day." She actually liked that answer a lot.

I had other visitors. My youngest brother, who hates everyone, dropped by and shed some tears. My middle brother came in and made cheesy jokes. My father said he'd found my suicide note, and called it the most beautifully written piece he'd ever seen. My biological mother also came by, but to be honest, I've blocked out a great deal of my past with her, specifically the passive moments.

After all this, life really did go on. I may not have made the same friends I had in the past, but new friends were made. A romance or two wormed their way into my social life. Less than a decade later, bigger medical problems came my way, with my diabetes bringing "bigger and better" reasons to be depressed.

"Bigger and better" leads me to the moral of this story. I have seen many people come to this thread with issues of depression because of some problem they're having in a romantic relationship. The thing is, no ONE person is worth it. It hurts beyond measure when your heart is broken; I know this from experience, although I can't claim to know how it feels exactly for someone else. Still, one's own destruction is NOT worth it when it comes the heartache over the loss of an individual.

Part of your fight against mental collapse is your meds. You have to stay on them, and keep those levels up every day. Place them where you'll see them daily and take them on time. (Mine sit right beneath my computer screen.) After that, it's what willpower you have and the support of friends. I hope things continue to improve.

[Hoggy]

I know I'm rather terribly late; sorry for that, bad month in general. But if I can say one thing unto CKG: as someone who also has parents who are too screwed up to care, I think of my friends as my real family. They do a much better job.

[sktarq]

I'm not sure if I should be glad that this thread is moving so slowly.

[rubakhin]

I know I'm rather terribly late; sorry for that, bad month in general. But if I can say one thing unto CKG: as someone who also has parents who are too screwed up to care, I think of my friends as my real family. They do a much better job.

I'm a strong believer in found families. You can choose your family, or at least choose the people who play the role of families in your life.

I'm lucky in that I never really thought of my family as actually being my family somehow. I'd go, "Well, yeah, they're my parents, but they're not really my parents." For some reason I never really wanted a family, either. So I didn't suffer too much from them.

[TigerHunter]

I don't want to type this. I just want to go break something. Go get drunk. Go kill myself. Anything to just end this stupid waste of time that people call life.

[phoenixineohp]

Thats when I hope you still have the little healthy voice in your head and that you can hold onto it strongly, listen to it and block out the **** voice. Maybe read some comic archives or phone a friend or watch tv or go to sleep. Just don't do what the **** voice wants you to.

Least thats kinda how I experienced those things. The depression yelling at me, suggesting stuff and then my little voice of hope reminding me that I don't deserve all that and that it will get better and that it will go away. Man I love that little voice of hope. I'm so glad it never lost.

[DarkLightDragon]

CKG: You are NOT an accident. You are NOT useless. You ARE wanted. There ARE people who care for you. Maybe not your parents, but there are people out there, and us, too. You need to get away from your parents. Its for your own good.

And *hug*

TigerHunter: Don't you DARE hurt yourself! Life is NOT a waste. I've been there, and there IS hope even though there seems to be none. Just keep hanging on and you'll pull through and see the light.

---

Sometimes I wish I were better at taking my own advice.

School starts tomorrow for me, and I'm scared pantless.

Also, there was a grandparent passed away on the 25th Janurary, their funeral and a lot of travel on the 1st Feburary, a birthday and a lot more travel on the 2nd, and only one day (today) to recover from all that.

*sigh*

[Serpentine]

School starts tomorrow for me, and I'm scared pantless.Rea-he-he-he-heally? Well, that ought to make it a bit more interesting, anyway :smallamused: Seriously, though, what school are we talking about, high school or uni? What in particular are you scared about? I'm just full of handy practical information (among other things)! :smallbiggrin:

Um... I've noticed that people tend to write things like "I feel stupid writing this" or whatever. Aside from that being silly, if anyone does have anything that they feel uncomfortable posting way out here in the big wide internuts, you are most welcome to stick a rant into my Inbox. If I can't think of any good advice to offer, I think I'm reasonably good at vaguely-worded somehow reassuring sympathy. This includes you, TigerHunter.

[DarkLightDragon]

Rea-he-he-he-heally? Well, that ought to make it a bit more interesting, anyway :smallamused: Seriously, though, what school are we talking about, high school or uni? What in particular are you scared about? I'm just full of handy practical information (among other things)! :smallbiggrin: Year 12 of high school. If you read some of my early posts back when I was more of a wreck than I am now, you'll have noticed that I'm like a bully magnet. Most of the nastier people have gone, but I'm still quite scared of that. I'm also scared of getting all Ds like I did last year (although that was due to no work ethic and I've made it a goal now to get at least C on everything).

[Serpentine]

Ah. That's... actually harder. Well.
The most important thing, I think, is don't burn yourself out. If you're worried about getting into uni, don't stress about it too much. There are back ways in - even if a lot of them might take a year or more longer - if somehow you don't make it right away. If you're too burnt out struggling through the year, you won't have any energy left for the exams. Take the time to relax, and when you do it, do it properly.
Bullies should be well gone by now. I must admit most of mine had a bit of a resurgence around year 10-11, but most of them will have grown out of it. If they haven't, most of the people around them will have, so you'll most likely have the full support, sympathy and mutual disgust for the perpetrators of any witnesses. Just always take the upper edge - if you can think quick enough, take the upper intellectual edge - and you should be fine.
I don't know what it's like there, but at my school year 12 was pretty much an extension of year 11, so you should know about what to expect.
Do your best to like your teachers, or at least try to know what they want and give it to them. I kinda crashed and burned in my English class because I couldn't/didn't do those...
Thought of something else: Don't be afraid to try to talk to people you wouldn't normally. School's coming to an end, petty prejudices seem less important, people become more nostalgic... Even, in some cases, people weren't afraid to talk to other people, because it was all ending anyway, so what did it matter? I was surprised at some of the people who were suddenly willing to give me the time of day, much less have a real conversation with me.

[EmeraldRose]

I don't want to type this. I just want to go break something. Go get drunk. Go kill myself. Anything to just end this stupid waste of time that people call life.

*grabs, hugs*

Don't do this. Just stay and type. Sometimes it can be the hardest thing in the world to reach out to others and ask for support! Trust me, I think many of us here know that.

If you feel you must hurt something, grab a pillow and beat it until the stuffing comes out. Sometimes I'm so angry I feel like throwing things or breaking them, and I can actually visualize myself doing it. Pillows won't argue if you need something to hurt, and it isn't going to be yourself if you are beating on a pillow.

Just lay it on the couch and give it a try...

We'll be here as you decide to type.

*hugs tighter*

[The Bushranger]

(stuff that makes me wish I had checked this thread more often)
*hugs Curly tightly*
You are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend.
Just remember that no matter what happens, and no matter what you might think, your friends are always there for you, and a true friend will never leave you.

[DarkLightDragon]

Serpentine: Very early in morning (bad habit for schooltime, I know...), so I'll make it quick:

-I'm more interested in getting into TAFE
-Not doing exams
-Everyone seems to take the side of the bullies
-I have decided I'm going to try talking to people
-Thanks

[Shraik]

I don't want to type this. I just want to go break something. Go get drunk. Go kill myself. Anything to just end this stupid waste of time that people call life.

Do you like causing others pain that really can never be healed and hurts more then any wound? Here the thing, No matter who you are there will always be someone who will miss you, someone who will cry over your loss, someone who will always feel the pain of not being able to help you. Do you really want that? Do you really want to never doing anything great in the future because you haven't yet? You wouldn't want to put those people that care about you through the pain of losing a loved one. They are there for you, seek them out, ask for help, because from personnel experience, I know a problem shared is a problem halved.

[Diva De]

CKG: Girly, we love ya. And I understand perfectly how you feel - I struggled with many of the same issues myself. Now I'm almost 24, and I survived. Granted, it was questionable a few times whether or not I'd make it, but I did. That's the best advice anyone can give you - just survive. I made sure that none of those people who hurt me can ever do it again, nor can they hurt the people I love and care for. My mother is a prime example - PM me if you want some horror stories/to feel better about your own family.

Anyway, 2 bits of advice. 1) Get through it, and you can do whatever you want with your life once those people are gone. You are a smart, smart girl, and you are and will be fully able to take care of yourself. And 2) as it was said before, USE them as a shining example of all the things you are not and never will be.

PM if you wanna talk (anyone), and know we all care about you.

[Metal Head]

So today I had a revelation that explained my short 16 year life, and it was a sad one. I realized that I tend to sabotage, or just ruin what I like for no apparent reason. I used to love soccer, but for some reason I began to hate it and stopped. I then played football (the American kind), but recently began to hate it and quit my team. Once upon a time I played Runescape, but then when I was doing well in the game I just quit. Don't know why. I recently wanted to become a pilot, so my parents organized an hour of flight for me. When I landed I was incredibly excited, but the next day I inexplicably decided that I hated flying. I once went on a date with a girl, loved the first date, and then just decided that I hated the girl and broke it up. That one's happened several times. A similar thing happened to friendships I've had for a long time. I can't even control this. It just happens and it can't be reversed. I tried playing football again, but doing that just depressed me. So now I've realized that pretty much any career I'm going to try in life is going to be one I hate, I'll be unable to keep a good relationship, and I'll probably do something stupid and self-destructive that will ruin my life. Any hugs?

[Zar Peter]

* Great Gnome Hug *

Me thinks with 16 you're just trying things out, looking if it matches for you. It's a "Trial and Error" thing, problem is that if you have more Errors than Success it can be very frustrating. But don't give up, if you fall down stand up and try once more. (I'm sorry, I'm too old to give you a real advice, it just happened to me that one day I found out that my recent trial wasn't an error but an success).

[Metal Head]

* Great Gnome Hug *

Me thinks with 16 you're just trying things out, looking if it matches for you. It's a "Trial and Error" thing, problem is that if you have more Errors than Success it can be very frustrating. But don't give up, if you fall down stand up and try once more. (I'm sorry, I'm too old to give you a real advice, it just happened to me that one day I found out that my recent trial wasn't an error but an success).

It's not that I suck at these things. I was actually pretty good at most of them. It's just that I seem to hate them for no good reason.

[Diakos]

Wow… as many before me has said, reading over just 3-5 pages so many people are in way worse shape than I, so posting my (compared to all that) trivial whinepost feels bad, but here goes.
First off, I don’t know if I even have a Depression, or if I’m just down on post-teen hormones, but i want it of my chest.

A few facts, I’m 22, male, from a non-descript blue-collar divorced family in generic northern European country.
I’m diagnosed with Asperger syndrome (wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asberger%27), and I’m a generic nerd with the whole set of hobbies, Anime n’ Manga, e-gaming, war-gaming, card-gaming and metal music.
Note: the following sounds just like a generic teenage/young adult angst, but please read it to end before making the final judgement.
After a less than pleasant time growing up I find myself in an apartment of my own and supposed to make a life for myself.
Thing is, I don’ know how or more specifically why?..
Unlike most I know, I never had any dreams for my future, no desires for a job, a house, or car, and that is how I find myself, my only real motivations in life as it is, is to keep my fridge stocked, my apartment warm, and my computer running.
I also seem to have no motivation of any sort, aside from self-preservation, I never take any action unless motivated by an outside force, be it my friends (yes I have s few and they are very important to me), a good post on a forum, deeply moving music, a cool movie or even a motivational poster, but my motivation dies off rapidly again unless fed, I’ve pretty much become an “okay man” going along with anything hoping that my motivation will stay.
Slowly this has made me gain a insatiable hunger for music, movies, books and games that can rouse me emotionally, but like all addictions the amount required for a “High” increases, and as of lately only the heaviest most extreme of metal and deepest most engrossing stories can move me, and which with my voracious appetite fresh material becoming hard to find, not only that but It’s begun to create an bad circle as plain life has now become all but one great grey pasty muck.
I’m fully aware that I’m likely becoming entrapped in my own need for escapism, but the frightening thing is that I can’t really summon up the will to care about it anymore.

Well that’s me n’ my issues.
Looking it over it really look like the sort of reader’s letter you’d find in a teenage magazine...

[Zar Peter]

It's not that I suck at these things. I was actually pretty good at most of them. It's just that I seem to hate them for no good reason.

I didn't mean that you suck at them, it's just something you don't like now. Maybe you will like it later, maybe not, but for now you are searching for something else. You just don't know for what you're searching, you will know that when you found it.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Started on 5/22/2007, this thread has now reached page 50. This is usually where they lock the thread. Thus, before we start getting into new topics, and perhaps deep discussions, I'm off to start its 3rd incarnation, and request that the mods lock this guy up, in that order.

For all those wanting to vent, feel free until the new thread is started. And until then...

BE WELL! :smile: