Comedy

[Death Giant]

Hey yall. I'm about to make a joke, so please tell me what you think. One day there where these 3 men on an airplane. One was white the second was black, and the oter one was asian. When suddenly the airplane started to drop down. So the 3 men all got something and through it out the airplane's hatch. The black man dropped an apple, the asian one dropped a bannana, and the white man dropped a bomb. When the black man got home he saw his son crying, and asked "What's wrong soony?" Then the boy answered "I was practicing gimnastics when an apple fell on my head!" When the asian man got home he saw his son crying so he asked "What happened boy?" Then his son answered, " I was playing football with my friends when an apple fell out of the sky and hit my head whick made me lose the game!" When the white man got home he saw his son laughing o he asked "What happened son?" Then his son answered< " I farted and the school blew up!"

[LCR]

So not funny. I didn't laugh at all. And I don't get why two of the boys are hit by an apple. Shouldn't one of them be hit by said banana?
Still, there are loads of better jokes around. Or just don't tell a joke. Stick to Dadaism.
You know it makes sense!

[Hazkali]

I've heard this one before. Many, many times before. Usually in the "Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman" form.

I second the motion to reinstate the banana.

[Dihan]

I've heard this in the form of a Caribbean, a Japanese tourist and George Bush - a crate of marijuana, a crate of digital cameras, and a bomb.

[Gygaxphobia]

I think's it funny, but the exclusion of the banana makes me a sad panda.

Here's my favourite joke ever:

Buddha is taking a stroll through Delhi in the days when he was mortal and seeking enlightenment.
He sees a hotdog vendor by the side of the dusty road, and feeling inquisitive he walks up and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"

:smallbiggrin:

[Imrahil]

I think's it funny, but the exclusion of the banana makes me a sad panda.

Here's my favourite joke ever:

Buddha is taking a stroll through Delhi in the days when he was mortal and seeking enlightenment.
He sees a hotdog vendor by the side of the dusty road, and feeling inquisitive he walks up and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"

:smallbiggrin:

For my reaction, imagine the sound of one hand clapping...

[Don Beegles]

That's very funny, Gygaxphobia. Cheesy, but I like cheese.

Personally, I find that this one gets them every time.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust

[Daze]

Why did so many police cars get stolen in {Insert ethnicity/gender/religion here} neighborhoods?

They saw the 911 on the side and thought they were Porsches.

[ocato]

The buddha one made me giggle pretty good. Here's a harmless polish joke from a harmless polish person.

So a Polish man goes to the eye doctor, and sits in the chair. The eye doctor asks him to read the third line. The polish man is silent, but looks at the line, which reads C H A J N O R Z W A C K I. The doctor waits a moment and asks, can you read it? The polish man responds, "Read it? Hell, I know that guy."

Wakka wakka

That one loses quite a bit in writing.

[Daze]

The buddha one made me giggle pretty good. Here's a harmless polish joke from a harmless polish person.

So a Polish man goes to the eye doctor, and sits in the chair. The eye doctor asks him to read the third line. The polish man is silent, but looks at the line, which reads C H A J N O R Z W A C K I. The doctor waits a moment and asks, can you read it? The polish man responds, "Read it? Hell, I know that guy."

Wakka wakka

That one loses quite a bit in writing.


heh, thats cute... *steals!*

[Don Beegles]

I don't know, I don't think it loses all that much. Heck, I think it would gain. I mean, just spelling it out wouldn't necessarily make it clear that the random jumble of letters is a Polish sounding name, and pronouncing it would have the opposite effect. I think writing might be the most effective way of telling that one.

[ocato]

well, you're supposed to randomize the letters (or at least I do). The goal is a few vowels, and about 900 scrabble points (Z, W, and J are musts, no Q's!)

[Hazkali]

A physics joke for the geeks out here:

A farmer asks a physicist, a chemist and a biologist to help him with his cows, who have been growing pink spots. The biologist takes some samples from the cows, runs some tests, but can't find an answer. The chemist takes some samples, runs some tests and he can't find the answer either. The physicist just sits there with a pen and paper, thinking. After ten minutes he frantically writes some equations down, and shouts:


"I've got it! But it only works for spherical cows in a vaccum!"

[Closet_Skeleton]

That's very funny, Gygaxphobia. Cheesy, but I like cheese.

Personally, I find that this one gets them every time.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust

Ah, anti-humour...

[LCR]

Another science joke:
A physicist, a mathematician, philosopher and a medical student are all asked the same question. "What's 2+2?"
The physicist takes some measurements and after some time answers: "Approximately 3,99".
The mathematician thinks and thinks and thinks ... and finally answers: "I don't know, but I can guarantee you that there is an answer."
The philosopher: "We should not ask what the answer is, but in what way it influences humanity".
Finally, the medical student. He doesn't even have to think, but promptly answers: "4."
"Wow, you're right. And you're the first one to find out. How did you know the answer?"
"I've learned it. By heart."

[open_source.exe]

There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those that understand binary, and those that dont.

[Totally Guy]

These jokes come from the N. Irish housemate.

Two Irish chaps carrying saws, electric chainsaws and various cutters walk past a sign that says, "Tree Fellers Wanted". One says to the other, "Hey we could do that".

The other replies, "no we can't, there's only two of us."


There is an Irishman in a boat in a field of hay rowing and going nowhere. A car drives up to the side of the field and a fella gets out, he calls across to the first man "It's people like you that make us the target for all these jokes! It makes me sick! I'd come over there and kick your ass if I could swim!"

[ocato]

There is an Irishman in a boat in a field of hay rowing and going nowhere. A car drives up to the side of the field and a fella gets out, he calls across to the first man "It's people like you that make us the target for all these jokes! It makes me sick! I'd come over there and kick your ass if I could swim!"

When I heard that one, it was blonde women.

[drkmirror]

How many flys does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

Two but we have no idea how they got in there

[J_Muller]

There's a scientific conference in town, so the local hotels are full of various learned men. In one hotel, in adjacent rooms, is a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician.

One night, an electrical fault starts a small fire in all three rooms.

The physicist is awoken by the smoke. Looking at the fire and taking some simple observations and measurements, he calculates that a glass of water will be sufficient to put out the fire. So he goes to the bathroom, gets a glass of water, puts out the fire with it, and goes back to sleep.

The engineer is also awoken by the smoke. Looking at the fire and taking the same observations and measurements as the physicist, he comes to the same conclusion, that a glass of water will be sufficient. Factoring in safety, however, he goes and gets a bucket, fills it with water, and throws it on the fire, putting it out but also dousing the wall. Then he goes back to sleep.

The mathematician awakes due to the smoke, looks at the fire, takes the same observations and measurements, does the same calculations, and comes to the conclusion that a glass of water will be sufficient to put out the fire... and then goes back to sleep.


*sting*

[TheRabidWalnut]

My favourite:-
How many men does it take to tile a bathrom?

One. If you slice him thinly enough

[WhatIsGravity]

"If you go to Neverland, it says you must be this height to ride Michael."
- Robin Williams

"Gandhi jeans: whether you're simply not eating or telling the British to **** off.
Gandhi jeans: comes in size 1 and below."
- Robin Williams

[Setra]

This be the only knock knock joke I like, but it's hard to get it to work online so..

A: Knock Knock
B: Who's there?
A: Interrupting Cow
B: Interru-
A: MOO!

Loses a lot in transition.

[Kitya]

My favorite joke is a lil corny....

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!!!


*chuckles* yes I'm sad.

[Tom_Violence]

Here's a couple of personal favs of mine.

Sunday morning in the local church and the minister announces that today he'll be talking about ghosts. So he starts things off by asking the congregation if any of them believe in ghosts. Quite a few hands go up, including that of the town drunk Paddy. To narrow things down a bit, he asks if anyone has ever seen a ghost. Much less hands this time round, but Paddy's is still up, swaying slightly. Thinking this is getting a bit silly, he asks "Has anyone ever had sex with a ghost?" Paddy's hand remains up. "Paddy, you seriously mean to tell me that you've had sex with a ghost?" Paddy replies "A ghost?! Jesus, I thought you said a goat!"

Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street. One turns to the other and says "I've never come this way before." The other replies "It must be the cobbles."

(Apologies for having posted the second one before. I just really like it.)

[Yiel]

Hmm... Bill Hicks is one of my favourite comedians, but posting anything he said would violate almost all the Forum Rules... so I'll post someone else ^_^

Adam Hills in relation to the Australian National Anthem:

It's just not the most inspiring anthem in the world is it? I mean, the words are alright: 'Australians all let us rejoice, for we are young and free', except for that last line 'our home is girt by sea.' 'Cos 'girt' means surrounded. How many of you have ever used the word 'girt' in a sentence in your life? Seriously, you never see a policeman and 4 police cars outside your house saying : 'Come out of there with your hands up, we have you girt.'

[The New Bruceski]

There's a scientific conference in town, so the local hotels are full of various learned men. In one hotel, in adjacent rooms, is a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician.

One night, an electrical fault starts a small fire in all three rooms.

The physicist is awoken by the smoke. Looking at the fire and taking some simple observations and measurements, he calculates that a glass of water will be sufficient to put out the fire. So he goes to the bathroom, gets a glass of water, puts out the fire with it, and goes back to sleep.

The engineer is also awoken by the smoke. Looking at the fire and taking the same observations and measurements as the physicist, he comes to the same conclusion, that a glass of water will be sufficient. Factoring in safety, however, he goes and gets a bucket, fills it with water, and throws it on the fire, putting it out but also dousing the wall. Then he goes back to sleep.

The mathematician awakes due to the smoke, looks at the fire, takes the same observations and measurements, does the same calculations, and comes to the conclusion that a glass of water will be sufficient to put out the fire... and then goes back to sleep.


*sting*

In physics we tell this one as a chemist a physicist and a mathematician with a wastebasket fire in a classroom. The physicist soaks the whole front row, but hey, as long as you're within a couple of orders of magnitude...

Half the time people are laughing too much to finish the joke.


NOTE: telling a joke is like driving a car; if you don't know what you're doing you can do a lot of damage, and most people don't know what they're doing.


What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing! You can't cross a scalar with a vector!

[ElfLad]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust

My grandfather died in the Holocaust. :frown:

He fell out of the watchtower

[Nevrmore]

All of my jokes are rated NC-17, so they can't be told here to the kiddies.

[Green Bean]

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

Thank you, folks, I'm here all day! :smallbiggrin:

[unstattedCommoner]

Another science joke:
A physicist, a mathematician, philosopher and a medical student are all asked the same question. "What's 2+2?"
The physicist takes some measurements and after some time answers: "Approximately 3,99".
The mathematician thinks and thinks and thinks ... and finally answers: "I don't know, but I can guarantee you that there is an answer."
The philosopher: "We should not ask what the answer is, but in what way it influences humanity".
Finally, the medical student. He doesn't even have to think, but promptly answers: "4."
"Wow, you're right. And you're the first one to find out. How did you know the answer?"
"I've learned it. By heart."

... the lawyer gets up, locks the door, closes the curtains, sits down again and asks, "What would you like it to be?"

or:

The lawyer says, "There's Court of Appeal authority for the proposition that the answer is 4, but the House of Lords has held that in certain exceptional cases the answer is 3, and a High Court judge has held that in some other circumstances not considered in either of those cases the answer might be 5."

[Don Beegles]

I've always liked the one about the guy who opened the wrong door at a convention center to a room full of people. Intermittently, one of them would get up, go to the podium at the front of the room, and say a number. "32" "56" "119" The guy is surprised, of course, and he takes an empty seat at the back and asks the guy next to him what's going on. The guy explains that it's a comedians' convention, and they all know so many jokes that telling them would be a waste of time, so they just give them numbers, so someone says the number and they all remember the joke and laugh. The guy thinks to himself that this should be easy, goes to the front, and says "21". Noone laughs, and he thinks maybe that one's not funny and tries again. "17" Still nothing, and he tries a few more so he doesn't look like an idiot. "25" "100" "83" By this point he's being booed, so he goes back to his seat in disgrace. He asks his neighbor what was wrong, weren't those jokes good? His neighbor nods, "oh yeah, those are great, but it's all in the way you tell them."

[Alysar]

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

Thank you, folks, I'm here all day! :smallbiggrin:


Lol! LOL! HaHaHaHAHAHHA!!!!! *dies*