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View Full Version : How would you react to sparkly vampires versus real vampires?



Templarkommando
2015-10-21, 10:24 PM
So, I have this idea for a quick cutscene in my next dungeon. The sparkly vampire will be moping in a room full of portraits from lovers that he's had over hundreds of years. The reason that he's moping is because one of the portraits has been ruined and he really wants something to remember this girl by. The party basically has to go into the room next door to find a locket with her picture in it, and he'll open the next door for them. He's pathetically grateful to the party for helping him, and explaining the portraits, he mentions that he's a vampire. At this point a really buff looking real vampire busts in and yells "Trevor! You have violated the masquerade!" The buff vampire dusts sparkles in less than a round and then turns on the party. I don't generally do silly things, but I thought I would bounce it off the playground and see if any of you had some input for me. Do you think this is funny? Is it too over the top? How could it be improved?

Talion
2015-10-21, 10:33 PM
I have but one suggestion/request: The Ghosts of Former Lovers rising from the portraits. I'll leave the "Why" and "What" to you. Maybe they're grateful the creepy little freak's been dusted. Or maybe displeased, since the caretaker of their eternal beauty just died. Or maybe something else entirely.

BeerMug Paladin
2015-10-22, 01:19 AM
I'm kind of indifferent to the whole hatred of sparkle-pires. Really, I just don't get the derision towards that particular presentation and find the level of attention given to it to be not all that interesting. As a player, this would make me a tad uncomfortable. Although if you know your players rather well and they share your particular dislike of that presentation, then this sort of jokey humor should be fine.

Also, real vampires are pathetically boring. False pointy teeth, gothy garb and just working a day job as a stockboy in the local market isn't very interesting. Also, they can't really drink blood (http://www.livescience.com/15899-drinking-blood-safe.html).

Lvl 2 Expert
2015-10-22, 04:19 AM
It all depends on how you sell it. This is a comedy scene, because parody is only funny if it's, well, funny. Ham it up, for both of these characters. Have the glittery vampire (how would they see him glitter in a room where the other vampire doesn't burst into flames anyway?) be really mopey and mostly really creepy. Because that's what's weird about the Twilight vampires: they are a hundred years old, have the social skills of a potato, keep threatening to kill their "lover" and at night they sit in their window opening watching them sleep. All night, every night, without prior consent. (Also, they think the sport with the highest potential to become cooler if played with superpowers is baseball.) That's the vibe that might get the laughs out of your players, if they're like me. Then the other vampire is also some sort of laughable stereotype. It can be a suave aristocratic Dracula type, it can be a straight up blood crazy monster, it can be basically any other interpretation of the vampire mythos (fun fact: there are no real vampires, the further you track legends like this back, the more diverse they seem to become). Have them really play out a "misunderstood teenager and his angry father" type scene (doesn't matter if they're not related or are the same age). It's recognizable, yet totally crazy. After that the players will be ready to have some input in the game again, so make the second vampire a good fight.

It could work, but not as a straight up hate letter, not even if all of your players are on board on the glitter hating.

NNescio
2015-10-22, 06:19 AM
How to make sparkly, flamboyant vampires cool?

Solution: Crib off JJBA.

True vampires need no lame-o sunlight to sparkle.

JeenLeen
2015-10-22, 08:44 AM
Could you give some context to the game you are playing (both system and style). If this just a comedic interlude, and your group is use to stuff like that, it sounds fine.

Some 'plotholes' that confuse me and would make me as a player hesitant:
1. Why can't mopey-sparkly guy go to the next room and find the locket? Is it full of monsters he is afraid of, so he hires the players, or is he bound or just unwilling to leave his paintings for a moment lest another one get marred?
From a PC perspective, it sounds like a trap.

2. Is the Masquerade a thing in your game, like in World in Darkness, or is that just a joke without an in-world reference? How often do vampires show up in your campaign, and does it mean anything to define what a vampire is in your setting?

The above might not matter if comedy is rather common in your games. My group has sticklers for verisimilitude and internal consistency, sometimes to an annoying degree, so such comes to mind. I wouldn't mind a comedic episode, but I'd want it to make sense with the setting.

TheThan
2015-10-22, 12:19 PM
So something like this? (https://youtu.be/TgnIjJexut4?list=PL581218B72A4B9170&t=19) (warning language.... and Violence ... ahh heck it's Helsing abridged... if you haven't seen it, it's well not for children. )

Beleriphon
2015-10-22, 12:56 PM
Also, real vampires are pathetically boring. False pointy teeth, gothy garb and just working a day job as a stockboy in the local market isn't very interesting. Also, they can't really drink blood (http://www.livescience.com/15899-drinking-blood-safe.html).

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goth_Kids_3:_Dawn_of_the_Posers

I'll have you know that goths are not the same as vampires, and both are not the same as emos. :smallwink:

Psyren
2015-10-22, 02:00 PM
If the Twilight vampires were simply fey (with the Volturi as unseelie) it would have all fit perfectly. Granted, that angle is a bit esoteric for mainstream audiences, but it wouldn't have been as jarring.

Lord Torath
2015-10-22, 02:03 PM
I'm kind of indifferent to the whole hatred of sparkle-pires. Really, I just don't get the derision towards that particular presentation and find the level of attention given to it to be not all that interesting.I suspect it has something to do with extrapolating logical consequences. As I recall (I read the 1st book, but saw no movies), Twilight vampires are extremely hard to kill, unless you're also a vampire. And even then, it requires dismemberment, and possibly grinding the resulting mess to a paste, before burning it. If the traditional weaknesses of vampires no longer apply, what's to prevent Human Ranching from becoming the next Hot New Thing for venture capitalists?

mikeejimbo
2015-10-22, 02:07 PM
Or Ventrue capitalists.

Sorry I'll see myself out.

snacksmoto
2015-10-22, 06:31 PM
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goth_Kids_3:_Dawn_of_the_Posers

I'll have you know that goths are not the same as vampires, and both are not the same as emos. :smallwink:

First they say vamps, goths and emos are the same. Next thing they'll start saying is that punk, rock and pop music are the same. :smalltongue:

As for the original question, attempt to stake them with wood. One should be easier than the other and I might die in the attempt. Oh well, death comes for everyone eventually. Time to roll up a new character.

cobaltstarfire
2015-10-22, 06:47 PM
I wouldn't get it honestly.

I mean I get that "sparkly vampire" is a Twilight thing, and Twilight is stinky, but I don't understand the Masquerade thing, or why the other vampire would kill "Sparkles"

So I guess it depends on if everyone involved really knows in depth vampire background.

Though I suspect it wouldn't be especially funny even if I did fully understand what all was going on.

Templarkommando
2015-10-22, 09:16 PM
Could you give some context to the game you are playing (both system and style). If this just a comedic interlude, and your group is use to stuff like that, it sounds fine.

Some 'plotholes' that confuse me and would make me as a player hesitant:
1. Why can't mopey-sparkly guy go to the next room and find the locket? Is it full of monsters he is afraid of, so he hires the players, or is he bound or just unwilling to leave his paintings for a moment lest another one get marred?
From a PC perspective, it sounds like a trap.

2. Is the Masquerade a thing in your game, like in World in Darkness, or is that just a joke without an in-world reference? How often do vampires show up in your campaign, and does it mean anything to define what a vampire is in your setting?

The above might not matter if comedy is rather common in your games. My group has sticklers for verisimilitude and internal consistency, sometimes to an annoying degree, so such comes to mind. I wouldn't mind a comedic episode, but I'd want it to make sense with the setting.

1. I would say more along the lines that he doesn't want the rest of the paintings to get marred, however that's mostly just a flimsy excuse. If you've ever watched the Marx Brothers (which is some really old comedy), there is almost never a cohesive plot. If I was to put this in a category as a trope, I'd say it's something of a big-lipped alligator moment. In all honesty, if the PCs want to kill sparkles themselves, I won't stop them, he's mostly just there for a quick laugh.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BigLippedAlligatorMoment

2. This is actually the first entry of vampires in my campaign world thus far. I did borrow the Masquerade from World of Darkness though, but to a certain extent, the whole dungeon in general is a wait-and-see moment. I don't know if vampires will become frequent visitors in the campaign, or if this is just a one-time thing.

As far as continuity goes with the campaign, this is intended mainly as a very quick - possibly immersion breaking - bit of comic relief before getting back to a somewhat serious campaign session. It's a little bit like how in Baldur's Gate 1 there's the NPC "Noober," that is just there to be annoying, or how you are can wander way off in the wilderness where you encounter Larry, Darryl, and Darryl.


I wouldn't get it honestly.

I mean I get that "sparkly vampire" is a Twilight thing, and Twilight is stinky, but I don't understand the Masquerade thing, or why the other vampire would kill "Sparkles"

So I guess it depends on if everyone involved really knows in depth vampire background.

Though I suspect it wouldn't be especially funny even if I did fully understand what all was going on.

The Masquerade is basically a concept where vampires are trying to hide their existence from the real world. So, if Trevor the sparkle-vampire let's the party know that he's a vampire, then he would be in violation of the Masquerade. One of the problems that occurs to me here though is that a joke isn't especially funny if I have to stop and explain it.

Zale
2015-10-22, 10:11 PM
Personally, trashing twilight for having sparkly vampires is really lazy.

I mean, I read the entire series so I can sit down and personally trash it for its many flaws. The sparkle thing always struck me as silly, but not a real reason to hate the book.

You can hate it for the terrible writing and characterization, or for the gaping plot holes, but hating it for sparkles just says to me you are picking at some easy angle to mock without actually putting forth any effort.

It's overplayed. It was barely funny as it was; before everyone and their mother started cracking jokes about it.

I mean the closest I've come to this is when I made a side character/boss encounter who was a vampire. I'd intended for the party to either kill her or, if she lived, for her to show up in the background of events from then on. Like, someone would look out the window at night and see her sitting in a dream, sighing dreamily over <First male character who talked to her>.

Eventually, they decided not to fight her, but to arrange for a romantic candle-lit dinner with the bard (Who hated the whole idea). He rolled really well, though, so she started following the party around as a live-in ally.

Not much help though, since she was dimmer than dirt; couldn't remember that normal people had to do things like "breathe" or "sleep". Really good at times when overwhelming force was needed, provided it was night and she had a reason to care and she wasn't off moping in the woods over the dark urge to drink all of her beloved's blood.

Was really entertaining for everyone involved.

Lvl 2 Expert
2015-10-23, 04:06 AM
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goth_Kids_3:_Dawn_of_the_Posers

I'll have you know that goths are not the same as vampires, and both are not the same as emos. :smallwink:

Paladin is talking about "otherkin". Think "wrong soul born in the wrong body", but with a dragon soul. Vampires are special snowflakes even among them, because they have gone through an actual painful physical transformation and now they need to drink really small amounts of boiled blood from time to time or they will die horribly. Like really guys, I'm totally telling you that's how it works. If you don't feel like going through the hassle to get your hands on blood but want to be special anyway you can be a psy-vampire, they drain peoples life energy without drinking their blood. If you spend an afternoon in the same room as them it will leave you really tired. Yeah, I think we all know a few of those...


I suspect it has something to do with extrapolating logical consequences. As I recall (I read the 1st book, but saw no movies), Twilight vampires are extremely hard to kill, unless you're also a vampire. And even then, it requires dismemberment, and possibly grinding the resulting mess to a paste, before burning it. If the traditional weaknesses of vampires no longer apply, what's to prevent Human Ranching from becoming the next Hot New Thing for venture capitalists?

I only saw the first movie, but didn't read any of the books. I still think most of the "hate" was about how serial killer stalker sociopaths could possibly be presented as being romantic and something you should want to be close to. That combined with bad writing, most notable as wooden dialogue (as I understand it this was a step up from the book where they simply stared into each others eyes all day without talking) and scenes that make no sense. For those who haven't seen any of the movies: no, worse then you're imagining. At one point there's suddenly a car sliding at high speed across a school ground. The vampire jumps in front of it without anyone seeing anything. Hell, nobody even reacts to the car sliding across a school ground at high speed. The driver of the car is at no point seen. He or she doesn't even seem to notice they were speeding across a school ground, slipping out of control and have now stopped with a giant dent in their door. Meanwhile the vampire gives the one girl he saved, who also didn't notice the car because if she had she could have gotten out of the way, his deepest most meaningfulless and also kind of weirdly angry stare and runs off. No "uhh, you didn't see that", no "I'll explain it later", just the kind of social skills that would make most dogs hide their face in shame. She then guesses correctly that he is a vampire, and not say any other type of superhuman character, and when she comes up to him to talk about it he confesses he really wants to kill her, which she takes as a compliment.

The weird thing is: I should like this. It's practically a standard action movie setup, things happen because they're awesome, no questions asked. But Twilight takes the formula several steps too far. The whole universe warps around Inception style to make this story and this pairing look romantic and dreamy, and while the viewer can see the buildings buckle under the strain of the madly twisting world (figuratively speaking of course) it still doesn't work. This should never have been a love story.

The problem is not, like some people sometimes seem to think, that sparkly vampires are weak. If someone would do a fair comparison of powers as described in the respective source material I would not be surprised at all if Edward could win a fight against say Blade. But writing powerful characters is not hard, and characters are rarely interesting because of their powers, it's how they're used that makes for good stories. Twilight is like crossbreeding Hannibal from Silence of the Lambs with Neo from the Matrix, and then sending the resulting character to a volleyball tournament, because that's surely going to be interesting.




DAMMIT! I hadn't ranted about Twilight in years! Now I gotta go through rehab all over again.

Honest Tiefling
2015-10-23, 05:13 PM
It all depends on how you sell it. This is a comedy scene, because parody is only funny if it's, well, funny. Ham it up, for both of these characters. Have the glittery vampire (how would they see him glitter in a room where the other vampire doesn't burst into flames anyway?) be really mopey and mostly really creepy. Because that's what's weird about the Twilight vampires: they are a hundred years old, have the social skills of a potato, keep threatening to kill their "lover" and at night they sit in their window opening watching them sleep. All night, every night, without prior consent. (Also, they think the sport with the highest potential to become cooler if played with superpowers is baseball.) That's the vibe that might get the laughs out of your players, if they're like me. Then the other vampire is also some sort of laughable stereotype. It can be a suave aristocratic Dracula type, it can be a straight up blood crazy monster, it can be basically any other interpretation of the vampire mythos (fun fact: there are no real vampires, the further you track legends like this back, the more diverse they seem to become). Have them really play out a "misunderstood teenager and his angry father" type scene (doesn't matter if they're not related or are the same age). It's recognizable, yet totally crazy. After that the players will be ready to have some input in the game again, so make the second vampire a good fight.

It could work, but not as a straight up hate letter, not even if all of your players are on board on the glitter hating.

I'd go with this route. Parody is best when it comes from someone who knows the material (no offense there, Level 2 Expert), and reflects that. Just having a dude dust a sparkly vampire is just as funny as having him I don't know, kill Bugs Bunny. What does it have to do with anything? Nothing! In fact, making Bugs Bunny kill the sparkly vampire would at least have some random appeal. As is, there's no punchline, no finesse, no wit.

Also...Why is it specified that the vampire dusting the sparkly one is buff? That just seems like an odd comment to make, and brings to mind the unfortunate troupe of fops and effeminate = weak and wimply. Which just gets uncomfortable for me.

And aren't Twilight vampires made out of diamond? Can you harvest one for sparkly gems?

Ravens_cry
2015-10-23, 05:58 PM
And aren't Twilight vampires made out of diamond? Can you harvest one for sparkly gems?
So that's where all the diamond dust for restoration comes from!
:smalltongue:

Piedmon_Sama
2015-10-23, 06:40 PM
I laughed reading it so I vote yea.