D&D Vending Machine XXVIII: Output not guaranteed

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get the pulverized corpse of a green woman.

I insert a can of peaches.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a cherry cream pie

I insert a bad knock knock joke

[jwhouk]

You get a lever with a name tag saying "To: Nate".

I insert a blonde joke book.

[Crisis21]

You get a giant redwood tree.


I insert Scrooge's money bin.

[jwhouk]

You get a cease-and-desist letter from Disney.

I insert a Hefty-Nosed Penguin with a bowtie and a strangulated orange tabby cat that keeps going ACK!

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a faded copy of Alice In Wonderland written in Swedish.

I insert the chopped-up remains of my first born son.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a dirty short man who demands you guess his name

I insert an Oozy Rat in a Sanitary Zoo

[alberozuko]

You get deleveled racecar.

I insert a kayak.

[Crisis21]

You get Batman.


I insert a nickel.

[Dire Moose]

You get a torn rotator cuff and a broken elbow. You get POST-STEALING NINJAS!

I insert Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a Rubix Cube.

I insert a copy of every Shrek movie (except for Shrek 3), including the holiday specials.

[jwhouk]

You get Austin Powers. (YEAH BABY!)

I insert an original DMG, signed by Gary Gygax.

[redjinx]

You get the pen he used to sign it.

I insert a sensation of confusion.

[Crisis21]

You get an M.C. Escher painting.


I insert the impossible: An authorized autographed copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Film/TheStarWarsHolidaySpecial).

[Flyingbooks42]

You get screams of terror.

I insert a brain in a jar.

[jwhouk]

You get a signed copy of a page from Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstien* featuring Igor's line, "Abby Normal or something."

I insert a Beatles album.

[Dire Moose]

You get a swarm of scarabs.

I insert a spooky ghost.

[Crisis21]

You get a mile of spider webs.


I insert an invitation to the wedding of R. R. Hood and B. B. Wolf.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a crossdressing animal bent on ruining everything

I insert a bottle of Zzzquil

[alberozuko]

You get a scroll of Inflict Major Allergy.

I insert a gold coin.

[5a Violista]

You get a chocolate gold coin (the thing you were buying) and your change of 3 silver coins and 17 bronze coins and 3 iron coins and one monopoly bill.

On the other hand, I insert a pokemon card.

[alberozuko]

You get a scroll of Summon Monster.

I insert a Masterwork Short Bow.

[kgato503]

You get a small designer hair bow.

I insert a mint chocolate orange.

[Crisis21]

You get one silver piece.


I insert :smallwink:


@V: For an emoticon? :smallconfused:

[ChaoticHarmony]

You are quickly arrested for defiling the Vending Machine like that. There has to be mutual consent.

On that note, I insert Crisis21's bail money

@^: specifically a winky face, with no pretext. Wink wink nudge nudge

[alberozuko]

You get two scrolls of Dimension Door.

I insert a Belt of Healing.

[jwhouk]

You get a box of band-aids and some bactine.

I insert a handful of charging cables.

[Crisis21]

You get a selection of rare and valuable spices.



I insert :smallconfused:

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get......you aren't quite sure what you got, but it is wet

I insert a faceless conspiracy theorist

[Harrisonvinny]

You get a suspiciously blank piece of parchment.


I insert a standard dagger.

[alberozuko]

You get a loaf of bread cut exactly in the middle.

I insert a ring of protection.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get 5 shields of varying sizes and materials

I insert a cheap knockoff of a popular item

[Crisis21]

You get a writer's block.


I insert :smallcool:

[jwhouk]

You get an old man with large eyebrows asking about "browser history."

I insert a key to this old police box I saw on the corner once.

[alberozuko]

A box comes out, it has red and blue on its corners and when you touch it, it blares like a police siren.

I insert a tree branch.

[Harrisonvinny]

You get a very confused gnomish druid.

I insert a really big sword.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a really small bow and arrow.

I insert an old joke that everyone knows.

[Crisis21]

You get an orphaned punchline.


I insert :smalleek:

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get an anti-depressant

I insert the last three posts

[Harrisonvinny]

You get a really big :smalleek:

I insert a glass vial.

[kgato503]

You get a glass file.

I insert a checkered flag.

[Crisis21]

You get a pirate ship. Prepare to be boarded!


I insert :smalltongue:

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get :smallamused:

I insert a lack of emojis

[jwhouk]

You get :smalltongue::smallannoyed::smallsmile::smallamuse d::smallfurious::smallmad::smallredface::smallsigh ::smallfrown::smalleek::smallcool::smallyuk::small biggrin::smallwink::smallconfused::wink::tongue::s mile::redface::annoyed::mad::biggrin::frown::eek:: sigh::amused::cool::yuk::confused::furious:

I insert a dictionary.

[kgato503]

You get a thesaurus.

I insert a roll of blue painter's tape.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a masterful sculpture of an alien made exclusively out of said tape and googly eyes.

I insert a paradox.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a pair of dogs

I insert a parakeet

[Crisis21]

You get a pair of pants.


I insert a paramedic.

[jwhouk]

You get two kittens.

I insert my credit card to continue.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get your identity stolen

I insert this identity that I just so happened to obtain just now

[jwhouk]

I'll take that back, thank you.

(Stupid message board games...)

Okay, this time I insert the "Any" key to continue.

[Crisis21]

You get an extra life.


I insert a jack-o-lantern filled with candy.

[kgato503]

You get a (fake) Christmas Tree, fully decorated.

I insert Straight No Chaser.

[CatKingdom]

You get it back but crooked.

I insert a Superb owl.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a Greater Superb Rooster

I insert some KFC extra crispy

[Harrisonvinny]

You get a pile of what might be chicken bones.

I insert gift wrap.

[Crisis21]

You get a pumpkin pie.


I insert a Halloween costume.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You hear the words TRICK OR TREAT! before a literal ton of candy is pelted at you

I insert a jack o lantern, a horse, and a skeleton without a skull

[alberozuko]

You get a donkey with two bas on its sides. The left one has pumpkin seeds. The right one has bone dust.
The donkey has a name tag;it says "Dullahan's little cousin".

I insert a miniature marble tombstone.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a mausoleum sized for a Storm Giant.

I insert an iPod from the early 2000s.

[kgato503]

You get an apple with a bite taken out of it.

I insert a game of Werewolf.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a sparkly, masochistic vampire boy

I insert an overhyped movie that people don't talk about anymore

[Crisis21]

You get VIP tickets to the premier of the next Star Wars movie.



Okay, so three witches decided to give me a bunch of stuff and I don't know where else to put it, so... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5vZv9ev4kQ)

I insert:

13 Cauldrons Bubbling
12 Coffins Creaking
11 Bats a flying
10 Goblins glowing
9 Ghosts a haunting
8 Mummies waking
7 Werewolves howling
6 Vampires biting
5 Creepy dolls
4 Headless horseman
3 Giant spiders
2 Zombie eyeballs
And some bones from a haunted graveyard

[Harrisonvinny]

You get a fruit tree with a bird of some kind in it.

I insert two gnomes in a trench coat.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a garnet.

I insert a Halfling Diviner with Lucky.

[Dire Moose]

You get a lot of screaming. Ironically, he had no idea what was going to happen.

I insert {scrubbed}.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a restraining order and a £600 fine.

I insert a series of coupon codes for video games.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get seven cheap knockoff versions of popular videogames

I insert a moldy wheel of cheese

[Harrisonvinny]

You get an angry mouse.

I insert a large horde of cheese wheels.

[Crisis21]

You get a black cat.


I insert someone's pancreas.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get... your own pancreas?

I insert a notebook full of unsolved trig problems.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get the book back, but with all of the problems solved

I insert a book of brainteasers

[jwhouk]

You get a jar of Dep.

I insert a comb.

[Flyingbooks42]

You get freshly combed hair.

I insert a vending machine.

[Harrisonvinny]

You get a message: Error -- and 1 gold piece.

I insert an electrum piece.

[Crisis21]

You get a 16 oz. bottle of Spite. No, that's not a typo.


I insert Dr. Wily's obscure cousin: Dr. Wowie.

[alberozuko]

You get a scroll of Phantasmal Killer, a flying carpet, and 8 miniature robots.

I insert some Boots of Levitation.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a set of cement boots

I insert a couple of mob hitmen

[Dire Moose]

You get a film noir detective looking at you suspiciously.

I insert a penguin with a machine gun.

[Crisis21]

You get an umbrella.


I insert eight themed super robots.

[kgato503]

You receive eight teens in colorful spandex and masks...WITH ATTITUDE!

I insert Stardew Valley.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a melon made out of sapphire.

I insert a lack of pants.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You receive a ticket for public nudity, redeemable at any courtroom near you.

I insert EXODIA THE FORBIDDEN ONE!

[Dire Moose]

You get She Who Must Not Be Toilet Trained.

I insert a moose.

[kgato503]

You get a trampled tourist.

I insert a Mama Bear.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get Laura Bailey holding a sharp stick.

I insert Matt Mercer's dice.

[alberozuko]

You get a scroll of Ventriloquism.

I insert a pendant of fireballs.

[Dire Moose]

You get an explosion.

I insert an angry Dire Badger.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a pillow, ripped to shreds.

I insert a coffin sized for a baby.

[Kneenibble]

You receive a container of Chinese takeout.


I insert Stephen Fry's wedding ring.

[Crisis21]

You get a diamond encrusted onion ring.

I insert Monty Python.

[jwhouk]

You get back a shrubbery.

I insert a high holy hand grenade.

[alberozuko]

You get a scroll of Holy Word, and a low voice that says "boom".

I insert a throwing knife.

[Korith]

You get a bowling pin.

I insert 101 Smurfs and an Adult Red Dragon.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get an Adult Blue Dragon that suspiciously looks like the Adult Red Dragon you inserted.

I insert Boogie Storm

[Crisis21]

You get the Boogie Fever. You got to boogie down.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHKCHvpYq_8



I insert the Boogie Man.

[Dire Moose]

You get a vegan child who is completely unharmed.

I insert a donkey.

[Korith]

You get a spunky hanky panky cranky stinky dinky lanky honky tonky winky wonky donkey, he-haw!

I insert a +5 Vorpal toy rattle

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a +5 Keen Thundering Binky

I insert the power cosmic

[alberozuko]

You get a wand that casts Meteor Swarm when used, but has a chance of casting it on your location.

I insert a cloak of invisibility.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a Cerberus named Fluffy and the Philosopher's Stone.

I insert a galleon (not the ship, the coin).

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a pocket sized galleon (not the coin, the ship)

I insert Drawn Together: the Movie

[Crisis21]

You get an invitation to a costume ball.


I insert Jumanji.

[alberozuko]

You get a miniature jungle with miniature (But real) animals running around and stuff.

I insert a ring of counterspell.

[kgato503]

You get a ring made of spell counters.

I insert a news channel station.

[jwhouk]

You get Ron Burgundy (Stay Classy, San Diego!)

I insert a Fez.

[Crisis21]

You get a Pez dispenser.



I insert a dozen Pokeballs.

[alberozuko]

You get a wand of enslavement, it has 13 charges. It has an engraving that says "Catch 'em all".

I insert a metamagic rod: Quicken.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a Rod of Lordly Might

I insert a Ranger/Barbarian Halfing with homicidal tendencies.

[Korith]

You get a perpetually lost Gray Elf Wizard with pacifistic tendencies and a propensity to make random objects explode when left unattended.

I insert five shiny buttons, a needle, and some thread.

[Crisis21]

https://www.cnyhistory.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/T.R.-Bear.jpg


I insert the world's biggest plush toy.

[Dire Moose]

You get the World’s Largest Ball of Twine.

I insert the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D).

[kgato503]

You get Tactical Cube 138

I insert a juvenile elephant.

[alberozuko]

You get a jovial gray haired dwarf playing a trumpet.

I insert an oil lamp.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get Robin Williams wearing blue face paint

I insert a Fighter/Sorcerer/Rogue and his evil henchmen

[Crisis21]

You get a needlessly complicated serving plan for a restaurant.


I insert someone's wicked stepmother.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get the mangled remains of a pirate... looks to be chewed up by a crocodile? And is that... a hook?

I insert a sprinkle of fairy dust.

[Korith]

You get a flying armada of vending machine gnomes who await your command, then realize that they're still enslaved and lose the power of flight as their happy thoughts cease.

I insert a scroll of geas/quest and a vial of liquid fire.

[redjinx]

You get flaming geese and a vile scroll.

I insert a clacks tower.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a clicking clock

I insert my sanity

[Crisis21]

You get a tiny fairy screaming "HEY, LISTEN!"



I insert a dozen adorable bunnies.

[kgato503]

You get about 12,000 Killer Rabbits.

I insert a Bullymong.

[Dire Moose]

You get a humongous bullfrog.

I insert Santa Claus.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a crab made of sand. (Sandy Claws? Get it? *wheezing laughter*)

I insert a dancing skeleton.

[Crisis21]

You get fifteen barrels of AB+ blood wine.



I insert a certified dead tarrasque.

[ElFi]

You get a paradox.

I insert the Millennium Falcon.

[kgato503]

You get the Ebon Hawk.

I insert plot recycling.

[jwhouk]

You get a copy of The Seven Samurai.

I insert a copy of the Slimarillion.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a slip of paper with "eh, who cares" written on it in Elvish.

I insert what shreds of sanity I have left.

[alberozuko]

You get a bottle of Dwarven Whiskey with a tag that says "Liquid Courage, drink in moderation".

I insert an apple.

[ChaoticHarmony]

You get a restraining order from Doctor Who. You aren't allowed to be within 100 years of him at any point.

I insert a Tresnii

[Crisis21]

You get a bathtub full of tapioca pudding.


I insert some hot chocolate, a couple marshmallows, and a candy cane.

[Korith]

You get a bathtub full of tapioca pudding.


I insert some hot chocolate, a couple marshmallows, and a candy cane.

You get an animated snowman, screaming in agony as he rapidly melts away no thanks to your offering of hot chocolate. In a matter of minutes, he's reduced to an animated puddle, which is only able to say the word "gurgle".

I insert an mp3 player containing the selected works of Johannes Brahms as performed by the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra and some speakers to listen through.


@v I shall treasure this always

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get the severed head of Bela Bartok.

I insert a clusterchord.

[redjinx]

You get autocorrected.

I insert half a pound of powdered staplers.

[Dire Moose]

You get a heaping bowl of staple sauce.

I insert my annoying brother-in-law and a one-way plane ticket to the South Pole research station.

[Korith]

You get an annoying gnome who's somebody's sister-in-law complete with all sorts of baggage - emotional and physical.

I insert the severed head of Bela Bartok.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a broken cello.

I insert the detached body of Bela Bartok.

[jwhouk]

You get a 1,000 forint note.

I insert a Yugo.

[Crisis21]

You get a piece of paper detailing the final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa.


I insert a mile of gummie worms.

[Korith]

The vending machine releases a procession of gnome monks, each carrying a single worm, that continues for a mile where they bury the worms in a quiet park space. They return through the vending machine as they came, but one of them drops a scroll on the way back. The scroll details the fundamentals of their beliefs, one such belief being that every worm was somebody's mother in a past life.

I insert a lit cherry bomb.

[GuesssWho]

You get an atom bomb painted cherry red.

I insert a man named Adam.

[jwhouk]

You get a palindrome.

I insert a baseball.

[Crisis21]

You get a curling stone.


I insert an ice rink.

[Dire Moose]

You get a Zamboni.

I insert a Tasmanian Devil.

[jwhouk]

You get a bucket of slobber and a carrot.

I insert the carrot.

[Flyingbooks42]

You get a snowman that is glad to have his nose back after that Tasmanian Devil took it from him.

I insert the snowman to keep it from melting.

[SCPTropes]

You get a copy of The Iceman.

I insert a temporal anomaly.

[Crisis21]

You get a wedgie.

After an epic struggle involving the fate of humanity, I insert Godzilla.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get the key to the city.

I insert a chunk of well-mixed Tokyo.

[Korith]

You get an upside-down Japanese flag.

I insert a migrating goose.

[jwhouk]

You get a pickup truck with Manitoba plates with its horn stuck.

I insert a slice of New York-Style pizza.

[Crisis21]

You get a big jar of applesauce.


I insert Carmen Sandiego's travel itinerary.

[Dire Moose]

You get a “find my iPhone” signal from Waldo.

I insert Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a piece of paper that reads "Star Wars is moar mainstream and therefore bettr".

I insert a red felt-tip pen.

[bc56]

You get a limitless supply of redshirts.

I insert ensign Red Shirt.

[Korith]

You get 753 pieces of the former Ensign Red Shirt in varying sizes, the largest being roughly the size of a tennis ball. The vending machine burps.

I insert:

Fillet of a Fenny Snake
Eye of Newt
Toe of Frog
Wool of Bat
Tongue of Dog
Adder's Fork
Blind-worm's Sting
Lizard's Leg
Howlet's Wing
A Partridge in a Pear Tree

[Crisis21]

You get Love Potion #12: Holiday Edition.


I insert Eleven (Bag)Pipers Piping.

[Ironsmith]

You're pelted with peartrages.

I insert a freshly-minted quarter.

[Korith]

You get a quarterstaff of Minty Freshness (it's a +1 Quarterstaff that deals an additional 1 cold damage against anything it hits, and gives a +5 enchantment bonus to saves against Breath Weapons)

I insert a Yoda puppet, and an Album of William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy singing.

[Nicklance]

You get kermit the frog

I insert the whole deck of many things

[Ironsmith]

And you get a cloud of black smoke.

And a broken machine.


I insert a healing potion.

[Crisis21]

You get a potion of epic mustache growth.


I insert someone's mustache.

[Korith]

You get Tom Selleck.

I insert a Tricycle without wheels.

[jwhouk]

You get a crying child and an angry parent.

I insert a recumbent bicycle.

[Dire Moose]

You get a motorcycle with flat tires and an angry biker.

I insert a grizzly bear.

[Crisis21]

You get Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders.


I insert the entire Calvin & Hobbes collection.

[Drakeburn]

You get one Life of Pi book.

I insert a duergar.

[Korith]

You get a dual-scimitar wielding drow.

I insert:

6 Lilly Petals
5 Stinging Nettles
4 Daffodils
3 Porcupine Quills
2 Conch Horns
A single Rose Thorn

[Dire Moose]

You get a very bizarre stew.

I insert a swarm of angry bees.

[Crisis21]

You get a stormy sea.


I insert Predaking (https://tfwiki.net/wiki/Predaking_(G1)).

[Ironsmith]

And you get Predaking. He needs nothing else. :smalltongue:

I put in the documentation for SCP-914.

[Korith]

You get an egg timer marked "Rough" "Course" 1-to-1" "Fine" and "Very Fine", but the dial is stuck.

I insert every Disney character ever. Even the ones that Disney bought indirectly.

[Dire Moose]

You get a stampede of corporate lawyers who issue a never-ending stream of intellectual property lawsuits.

I insert all of the animals from my local zoo.

[jwhouk]

You get slashed by the local jaguar.

I insert a Jaguar (the car, not the animal).

[Crisis21]

You get a tiger in a tank.


I insert 50 gallons of gasoline.

[jwhouk]

You get a receipt for US$129.95.

I insert a box of LEGO's.

[Recherché]

You receive an injured foot.

I insert my upcoming final exams.

[Dire Moose]

You get a big red “F” and a note asking if you ever even attended class.

I insert a barrel of radioactive waste.

[Crisis21]

You get a bouquet of sweet-smelling roses.


I insert a box of cheerios.

[Korith]

You get the Cookie Monster. And he's hungry for cookies!

I insert a gallon of liquid nitrogen.

[SpeedWitch]

You get a high school science teacher equipped with safety gloves.

I insert a bag of autumn leaves.

[Dire Moose]

You get a bouquet of spring flowers.

I insert a swarm of angry bees.

[Tube Wizard]

You get stung repeatedly.

I insert a bag of copper coins, drenched in sea salt.

[Crisis21]

You get a giant desert riding scorpion, complete with saddle.


I insert the Kraken.

[Dire Moose]

You get a giant heaping plate of calamari.

I insert a pirate ship.

[Korith]

You get a troupe of 6 award-winning tap-dancing skeletons.

I insert a golden sculpture of a magpie.

[jwhouk]

You get a fedora and an overcoat, with a copy of the sheet music from "As Time Goes By" written for piano.

I insert nothing.

[Eternis]

You receive an invoice for services rendered; the total comes out to three days of happiness and half an existential crisis.

I insert a druid of questionable morals.

[Simetra Irertne]

You receive a fable concerning suspicious, forest-themed magic users.

I insert clever wordplay.

[Crisis21]

You get Thor. It hurts.


I insert pain medication.

[Dire Moose]

You get crystal meth.

I insert myself.

[Eternis]

You receive a statue of a moose, carved from diamond.

I insert three oscilloscopes.

[Silent_Interim]

You get a confused graph of a tsunami.

I insert Aquaman.

[Crisis21]

You get Aqua Man:

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/megaman/images/1/1e/Aquamanbq.png


I insert Top Man.

[Korith]

You get three mice wearing top hats.

I insert a confetti gun, seven sparklers, and a fog horn.

[Book Wombat]

You get a little pop und sparkle.

I insert a die.

[Silent_Interim]

You get a lengthy dissertation on prescriptivism and descriptivism and how the word "dice" as a singular should be accepted.

I insert a cheese grater.

[Eternis]

You receive a scroll of Greater Cheese.

I insert a walnut.

[Crisis21]

You receive a scroll for Wall of Nuts.


I insert a picture of a root beer float.

[Korith]

You get a riot of floating bears. They want to party with you.

I insert humanity's last, best hope.

[Silent_Interim]

You get a giant mech warrior.

I insert sapphire bullets of pure love.