Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition IV: Just what Doc Ordered [Archive] - Page 2

DigoDragon

2015-12-28, 07:28 AM

"And flying characters WILL NOT be flying--"

Sounds like someone does not like being on the wrong end of flight advantage. :smallbiggrin:

"No, Calvin, you cannot turn mayonnaise into radiant energy."

"I want to drench my kuo-toan army in mayonnaise!"

Someone in your party really like mayo. :3

"I bounce on the bed."
"You embed yourself in the ceiling."

*Snerk* Extra springy beds are awesome.

"No, the head."

Well that escalated. o.o

Out of the Ranger's eleven melee weapons, he still doesn't have a single source of blugeoning damage. He resorts to punching skeletons when they show up.

Wha...? Eleven weapons and nothing bludgeoning?!

Princess Leia: “Help us Obi Wan KeMorning, you're our only hope!”

Reuben: “Woot! I was worried for a moment that Open Oceans would get a bit... choppy.”

Sailor: “I've left some… uh... laundry... in the oven... yeah…”

Open Oceans: “Hey, Dusty! Bring us some of your heavy cider! The good stuff! This colt's paying for me today.”
Reuben: “Dear Celestia, please let her not be the type to drink like a fish.”
Open Oceans: *Empties her mug and gestures to the serving pony for more*
Reuben: *Puts down a few more bits, watching Open drink down his limited funds*
GM: “Reuben takes 2d6+12 (Severe) Financial damage.”

Open Oceans: “I've got a boat we could use, but it's not exactly fast. Or sturdy. Or stable.”

Morning: “I might be able to get us a discount, if the stallion at the dock house holds true to his word. Though, I do not know if he will, if he believes the vessel would be in danger.”
Reuben: “Hmm... well, I don't know what kind of dangers there'd be. Other than the usual for sailing that is.”
Autumn: “So add short-notice expedition insurance to the list.”

Reuben: “well we still need a ship and a way to survive the crushing pressure of racing that monster to the ruins... oh and the pressure of the ocean.”

goto124

2015-12-28, 07:43 AM

Extra springy beds are awesome. As are super-sticky ceilings made of
http://cdn.hiconsumption.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Electrolux-Bio-Robot-Refrigerator-0.jpg

GM: “Reuben takes 2d6+12 (Severe) Financial damage.”

Noooo! That's too realistic! :smalltongue:

DigoDragon

2015-12-28, 08:56 AM

Extra springy beds are awesome. As are super-sticky ceilings made of
http://cdn.hiconsumption.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Electrolux-Bio-Robot-Refrigerator-0.jpg

That looks really awesome, but I question its feasibility with today's tech. :3
Still, really awesome idea.

Noooo! That's too realistic! :smalltongue:

Heehee, it kinda is for poor Reuben. XD

Cristo Meyers

2015-12-28, 10:22 AM

Been doing some Star Wars recently:

Soldier: Just because you'll flirt with anything warm-blooded...
Smuggler: Hey, hey! ...are Mon Calamari warm-blooded?

Smuggler: Hello, precious, did you miss me?
Soldier: Are we about to give the term 'shipping' a new meaning? 'Cause I can come back...

Soldier: I wonder if his tongue is all bristly?

Smuggler: So how is your Jedi-brother?
Soldier: Of travelling with his... whatchucallit... coterie? Band?
Smuggler: Harem, dear, it's called a harem.

...we kinda had a one-track mind that day...

goto124

2015-12-28, 11:13 AM

*makes meowing sounds*

raygun goth

2015-12-29, 04:19 AM

"What do you MEAN, this die goes up to twenty?"

"WILL YOU TWO BE QUIET, I'M TOUCHING POOP AND I NEED TO CONCENTRATE."

"I hear drums! We're supposed to boogie through this cave!"

"Plane of ooze? More like paraelemental plane of opera house floors."

Cristo Meyers

2015-12-29, 08:41 AM

"I hear drums! We're supposed to boogie through this cave!"

We'll CONGA to the end of this cavern! Somebody grab my butt!

--

Two more, still Star Wars, same person:

'I am SITH! I should not be sparkling!'

'My aunt is Darth Occulus. Of course I know where all the best parties are.'

DigoDragon

2015-12-29, 08:43 AM

...we kinda had a one-track mind that day...

I have those days too. :3

"WILL YOU TWO BE QUIET, I'M TOUCHING POOP AND I NEED TO CONCENTRATE."

Uh... :smalleek:

Autumn: "We're here to rent a ship."
Ship Owner: "We don't rent it anymore, but it is for sale."
Autumn: "How much?"
Ship Owner: "Twenty thousand bits."
Autumn: "Uh, my crew and I will have to take it for a test sail."
Ship Owner: "Of course, you just have to leave a deposit."
Autumn: "How much is that?"
Ship Owner: "Twenty thousand bits."
Autumn: "Umm..."
[Shows a Princess of Friendship business card]
Autumn: "Would you take a government check?"
Ship Owner: "Yes."

GM: “So your decision is for me to split the party 3-ways? ......... You are pure evil.”

Gizmo: “I just think it's a classic moment, friends just missing friends as they enter/leave a building.”
Autumn: *Cuffs Gizmo’s player upside the head* “Stop being difficult.”
GM: “Aaaaand that's a good one for the quotes thread. Digo, get working on it.”

Autumn: “Autumn mostly concentrates on looking awesome, following Morning's lead. ‘We would like that very much. Please lead the way,’ she practically purrs at the poor stallion. Let's make those bystanders eat those words.”
Looking Hot Body: +6
Shapely Wings: Wingpower +1
Peak of Physical Fitness: Tireless +1
Athletic Build: (3d6b2)[8]
Total: 16 :smallcool:

GM: “Sheesh, is it just me or is it getting kinda hot in here? While using the Body attribute for this purpose is a tiny bit rules-unorthodox, I'll allow it since the reasoning behind it is rock solid.”
Background: *rimshot*
GM: “However, Autumn does not get to add her Tireless bonus to the initial seduction attempt. I am certain that it becomes very useful later down the line...”
George Takei: *Grins Knowingly*
GM: “…still, she managed to reach a Difficult DT. Once again more than enough to get looks from everypony around. ......Stupid sexy Autumn Gale...”

Cristo Meyers

2015-12-29, 09:16 AM

I have those days too. :3

We call them 'weekdays.'

GM: “…still, she managed to reach a Difficult DT. Once again more than enough to get looks from everypony around. ......Stupid sexy Autumn Gale...”

So she's... hot to trot?

...

...

...I'll show myself out.

ZeroGear

2015-12-30, 10:00 AM

:
GM: “Sheesh, is it just me or is it getting kinda hot in here? While using the Body attribute for this purpose is a tiny bit rules-unorthodox, I'll allow it since the reasoning behind it is rock solid.”
Background: *rimshot*
GM: “However, Autumn does not get to add her Tireless bonus to the initial seduction attempt. I am certain that it becomes very useful later down the line...”
George Takei: *Grins Knowingly*
GM: “…still, she managed to reach a Difficult DT. Once again more than enough to get looks from everypony around. ......Stupid sexy Autumn Gale...”

...Now I REALLY want a picture/mini-comic of this... A PG-13 version of course. (And I thought Project Horizons was suggestive).

Gastronomie

2015-12-30, 10:34 AM

From Call of Cthulhu:

"Look, that tentacle monster is going to kill all of us either way, so before I die I want to attempt to pin this chick down on the bed. Keeper, can I roll?"
"Use the 'Ride' skill please."
*Gets worst roll possible*
"Kay, Chick turns out to be a cross-dresser."
"wat"
"He finds you cute."
"WAT"

Douche

2015-12-30, 10:43 AM

Last night; surrounded by an undead troll, wyrmling, and their evil elven mistress - 2 party members down, health dwindling on the other 2

Half-orc barbarian "We just came to get our parrot stuffed!"

DigoDragon

2015-12-30, 11:37 AM

...Now I REALLY want a picture/mini-comic of this... A PG-13 version of course. (And I thought Project Horizons was suggestive).

Heh, I do feel interested in drawing a sexy Autumn Gale. I'll ask her player for permission.

Captain Junkcrab: “So where do our two fine ladies want to go? Are they gonna bring their bellboys too?”
Autumn: “I'd be happy to throw in a butt-kicking as part of your fee.”

Autumn: “Anypony remember how far we're going? It appears Junkcrab's vessel is powered by ass-kicking and I need to know how far to kick.”

GM: “Granted, I've been greatly enjoying playing the various targets of Reuben's and Autumn's advances, but I didn't quite imagine this would end up in the two of them trying to build an Equestria-spanning harem.”

Gizmo: “I can only imagine what kind of payment that guy thinks Morning meant.”
GM: “...Yeah, that was a somewhat poor choice of words. Still worked, though.”
Reuben: “Well, this being a port town, you gotta expect to have... shipping lanes.”

Autumn: “Autumn's [seduction] count so far—Flitter, Wild Bull, Sleepy Tyme, Reuben (teasing), the entire hotel lobby, and the entire harbormaster’s office.”
Gizmo: “You forgot Gizmo.”
Autumn: *Cuffs Gizmo up the back of the head*

Bard1cKnowledge

2015-12-30, 03:23 PM

Heh, I do feel interested in drawing a sexy Autumn Gale. I'll ask her player for permission.

Captain Junkcrab: “So where do our two fine ladies want to go? Are they gonna bring their bellboys too?”
Autumn: “I'd be happy to throw in a butt-kicking as part of your fee.”

Autumn: “Anypony remember how far we're going? It appears Junkcrab's vessel is powered by ass-kicking and I need to know how far to kick.”

GM: “Granted, I've been greatly enjoying playing the various targets of Reuben's and Autumn's advances, but I didn't quite imagine this would end up in the two of them trying to build an Equestria-spanning harem.”

Gizmo: “I can only imagine what kind of payment that guy thinks Morning meant.”
GM: “...Yeah, that was a somewhat poor choice of words. Still worked, though.”
Reuben: “Well, this being a port town, you gotta expect to have... shipping lanes.”

Autumn: “Autumn's [seduction] count so far—Flitter, Wild Bull, Sleepy Tyme, Reuben (teasing), the entire hotel lobby, and the entire harbormaster’s office.”
Gizmo: “You forgot Gizmo.”
Autumn: *Cuffs Gizmo up the back of the head*

Draw her in only a scarf

Inevitability

2015-12-30, 03:24 PM

Rogue: I'm in doubt! What should I do?
Barbarian: Just ask your hippy conscience.

Rogue: I can't believe we're selling someone in slavery for a few pounds of tea!
Barbarian: Technically, the person in question wants to be sold in slavery.

Me (OOC): It worries me that our rogue is more opposed to killing than our paladin.

DM: Aaaaand... that's twenty-seven damage. Looks like the rogue is down.
Me (OOC): Okay guys, we can totally do this. If I just get a Lay on Hands next turn...
Paladin's player: I spend all my LoH on the barbarian earlier today.
Me (OOC): *glares at barbarian's player* The hatred is real...

ImSAMazing

2015-12-30, 03:33 PM

Barbarian: allright. With those enemies defeated, me at 1hp and the Paladin at 4, lets get the loot.
Rogue(OOC) What about you know, healing and/or helping your friend the Rogue?
Barbarian(OOC): after the loot. We'll look for a healing potion.

PoeticDwarf

2015-12-31, 06:48 AM

Lizardfolk If we may drink tea with your beloved gnome friend from these nice woods we will give you tea
Paladin I guess I can trade it for beer, I'm in
(A short time later)
Me You all hear shouting in the distance
Lizardfolk So you are saying that you aren't a 'forest gnome' ?
Another lizardfolk Where is he, wait, he stole our tea

Later

Rogue What should I do, what should I do? I will ask my conscience if I should follow the barbarian or stay with the paladin
The good one Follow your heart and follow your friends
The Chaotic one blajekl agmarsodun dafkar
The lawful one You should be loyal to the paladin and the barbarian Rogue Is that even an answer?
The neutral one Meh
The medical one If the barbarian goes alone he has 17% more chance to become injured.
Rogue Now the bad one last
Gnome Hello guys, please don't shout, the lizardfolk are near, but we can drink some tea
Rogue Why is my bad consience the gnome
Lizardfolk There the is the thief !
Gnome Jumps out of the tree and runs away

DigoDragon

2015-12-31, 09:09 AM

Draw her in only a scarf

You don't know how much I needed that laugh. <3

Me (OOC): It worries me that our rogue is more opposed to killing than our paladin.

That's a rare one. Keep that rogue!

Barbarian(OOC): after the loot. We'll look for a healing potion.

Spoken like a true adventurer. :D

Rogue Why is my bad consience the gnome

That... makes a lot of sense.

Inevitability

2015-12-31, 10:49 AM

That's a rare one. Keep that rogue!

I'll try not to get him killed. :smallwink:

GrayGriffin

2015-12-31, 10:56 AM

First Session
Jil Joti (introducing the group): “Jil, Surolam, Molly, Altair, and Lia—Jericho.”
* Jericho frowns at Jil’s slip, but makes no comment.

Latest Session
* Jericho looks surprised. A gift from the robi- er, purple haired girl? He cautiously opens it.
* Jericho's gift is: A lockpick set, the metals dulled deliberately to avoid catching attention with shine. (+2 to Stealth: Lockpicking)
Jericho: 0_0
Jericho: "These are..."
Jericho: *before he knows what he's doing, he has the robot girl in an embrace* "Thankyousomuchthisisamazingit'llmakemyjobsomucheas ier-"
* Jericho blinks.
* Jericho flushes red.
* Jericho lets go and steps back hurriedly.
Jericho: "Ah, um... yeah. Thanks for that."
* Surolam tilts her head, listens to Donphan-tooth, and smiles.
* Altair Azure chuckles, noticing Jericho's reaction. He's hooked.
* Jil Joti nods to Jericho, opting to respect his desire for SOME dignity.

Side Session
Jil: “I have designated you as a teammate and potential friend. I will defend what is mine.”
*Jericho blushes slightly at the potential implications. “H-hey now! I don’t belong to anyone!”
Jil: *blinks, then smiles* “Perhaps you would prefer to belong to Surolam, then?”
*Jericho’s blush deepens and he turns his head away. “She’s way too aggressive…”

Inevitability

2016-01-01, 12:04 PM

Player: Now I just need to think of a name for my ranger. Hm... maybe zz'dritz?
Me: Try that and I'll let you get abducted by lawyers.
Player: How about O'Dritzz Durden?

DigoDragon

2016-01-01, 12:30 PM

Player: How about O'Dritzz Durden?

*Snerk* Someone is on a single track. XD

GM: “Convincing Kana to keep the dangerous jar of Chaos Smoke will take a successful DT 10 Heart Check.”
Gizmo: *Rolls a 9 total*
GM: “Well. Crud.”
Reuben: “Wow, the dice roller is a bag of tease today.”

Gizmo: “It’s a good thing Reuben helped out then.”
Reuben: “One is an eccentric inventor of clockwork genius, the other a 3-star chef with magical tricks. Together, they buck crime.”
Gizmo: “One is a peddler of wares, the other wears pedals... I'm not sure where I was going with this.”

Autumn: *Negotiates ship passage for 5,000 bits*
Reuben: (Whistle) “That is a good sum of money we put on the 'royal tab'. Saving the world is never cheap.”
Autumn: “I figure now he isn't going to be doing it grudgingly as a favor to this random stallion. He needed incentive to redline the engine / hazard every scrap of canvas.”
Reuben: “Yeah, that's a sound plan to me. If we succeed in our quest, then the expenses will be worth saving Equestria. If we fail... well then the bill won't matter anymore.”

Autumn: “Did I mention I know a lot about square-rigged sailing vessels? I know a lot about square-rigged sailing vessels. I'll just leave that natural 20 here.”

GM: “You are seriously making up a lot of time with that, though. This actually kinda throws a wrench into what I was planning to happen. Darn players. Please, never change.”

Reuben: “[Reuben] does have two Valor though and gets pretty lucky in a fight when damaged, but I want to save it for the party's later encounter. Reuben healings are potent healings.”
[Beat]
Reuben: “I might know one of [my] possible descendants 175 years from now...”

ZeroGear

2016-01-01, 02:08 PM

Reuben: “[Reuben] does have two Valor though and gets pretty lucky in a fight when damaged, but I want to save it for the party's later encounter. Reuben healings are potent healings.”
[Beat]
Reuben: “I might know one of [my] possible descendants 175 years from now...”

It the fact that Reuben is an ancestor to Doc Wagon now cannon?

DigoDragon

2016-01-01, 07:47 PM

It the fact that Reuben is an ancestor to Doc Wagon now cannon?

Uh... I'll call it fan theory for now. Even though their both my characters... XD

Necroticplague

2016-01-01, 09:20 PM

Shibu: Most people consider an insect spirit infestation to be a good reason not to buy a property.
Gene: Most people aren't as heavily armed and desperate as us.
*Plays ghostbuster's theme*

ZeroGear

2016-01-02, 02:11 PM

Uh... I'll call it fan theory for now. Even though their both my characters... XD

If Doc ever runs across a cryogenically frozen Reuben, I am going to laugh so hard.

Theoboldi

2016-01-02, 03:14 PM

If Doc ever runs across a cryogenically frozen Reuben, I am going to laugh so hard.

Speaking of which, this was posted just today.

Autumn: "The worst thing that could happen is that he falls straight into the icy waters and has to watch as the ship is driven away by the storm at fifteen knots, totally unable to turn and come back for him."

So now I am imagining Reuben pulling an Avatar Aang and freezing himself in an iceberg for a hundred years. :smallbiggrin:

DigoDragon

2016-01-03, 08:58 AM

*Plays ghostbuster's theme*

Best theme. :3
Can't wait to see the new movie coming out.

If Doc ever runs across a cryogenically frozen Reuben, I am going to laugh so hard.

So now I am imagining Reuben pulling an Avatar Aang and freezing himself in an iceberg for a hundred years. :smallbiggrin:

Reuben, the last sandwich-bender. He doesn't have an Appa though...

Gizmo: “I go to the bow of the ship and study any passing birds to attempt to discern wind speed and direction, and then relay that info to Autumn, not that she needs it.”
Autumn: “I know which way the wind's blowing, Gizmo!”
Gizmo: “Doing what I can to help the cause, since my willpower is equal to Autumn’s fort. Gizmo is pulling a Nami. From One Piece.”
Autumn: “...That is possibly the least helpful thing Gizmo could have done with his skillset to help the boat go faster.” *cuffs*

Gizmo: “Gizmo is using his sharp mind and quick eyes too look for bits of land/reef the ship could hit and telling the helmsman to steer clear of it when possible.”
Autumn: “Just so you know, the open ocean is like 99.99999% not shallow.”

GM: “Just a suggestion to keep the smarty pants of the group the smarty pants of the group.”
Reuben: “Pants being optional with ponies.”

GM: “I feel kinda silly for asking, but the Warriors are one of those sportsball teams I've heard so much about, right? …I don't really know that much about American (assuming that you are American) sports.”
Reuben: “I'll ante up the feeling of silly by admitting I thought the Warriors are a biker group.”
GM: “A biker group that does charity events and has their own squad of cheerleaders?” *Begins to furiously scribble down notes*

Reuben: “Anyway, chaos in Ponyville... ah, I do remember that. The fires and parasprites. And Reuben borrowing someone's curtains.”
GM: “Don't forget the cabbages.”

GM: “And do remember, the elements are not around any longer. Nor are they within easy reach.”
Gizmo: “That's only because Nightmare Moon destroyed them when she rose to power. ...wait, wrong timeline, my bad.”

PoeticDwarf

2016-01-03, 01:37 PM

Rogue (thief subclass): if we do that then we are thieves!

Barbarian: here are the keys of my chamber, could you put the dire fox corpse somewhere else, and ignore the green liquid
Rogue: the what and the what

Wizard: but WHO is that dragonborn. Dun dun dun
Me: do you mean your party member

Me: the crit 19/20 weapon is stronger than I thought (after seeing how te barbarian rolled 4 crits in 7 attacks, bringing the paladin on 0hp)

Asmodeus: welcome to AsmoTV, we have an incoming call, whazzup gnome?
Wizard (gnome): hey, could you make sure Razer won't make it to the city alive
Asmodeus: sure, oh sorry, the goblins are already killing him, and I dont want to make them mad

Next morning

Asmodeus: here is the gnome of yester...
Wizard: who are you
Asmodeus: Im your deity!
Wizard: nah
Asmodeus: I had to kill Razer for y...
Wizard: what's a Razer?

Other campaign:
DM: the campaign is called the white gate
Me: I thought the wide gate all the time
DM: wights, are you serious?
Me: Wides?

bulbaquil

2016-01-03, 02:44 PM

GM: "Do you loot the sarcophagus?"
P1: "It's my sarcophagus."
P2: "Wait, what?"
P1: "I made a spelling error!"
GM: "Okay, you open the sarcophagus and see... your mummified corpse."

GM: "And then you get dragged off by a pair of tiefling lawyers from Wizards of the Coast's copyright squad, who haul you off in a paddy wagon together with a mindflayer and a beholder."
P4: "Flanked by gith mercenaries."
GM: "Right. Actually, there's only the beholder, because the mindflayer and the gith killed each other."

Inevitability

2016-01-04, 01:48 AM

Me: I open the door.
DM: A large, comfortable room becomes visible to you. Two sizeable beds and a closet stand against the wall opposite to you. The room's floor is covered in many kinds of weapons, randomly strewn about. Oh, and there's a dead fox the size of a wolf lying in the room's center. The smell coming from it is so putrid, so vile, that you almost feel like-
Me: I close the door.

Rogue: I need a solution.
Wizard: How ab-
Rogue: A solution that won't end with that barbarian separating my brain from my skull.

Rogue: Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Wizard: You really like saying that, don't you?

Hobgoblin: RELEASE THE WORGS!
Rogue: Hold on a moment. Surely there must be another way, a peaceful way, one that doesn't involve both of my friends getting eaten by worgs?
Wizard: I think we should first ask the more important question: do I get to ride a worg?

Bard1cKnowledge

2016-01-04, 02:56 AM

This is how we die, we take out a dragon only to be killed by a pack of zombie dire wolves.

goto124

2016-01-04, 03:19 AM

GM: “Just a suggestion to keep the smarty pants of the group the smarty pants of the group.”
Reuben: “Pants being optional with ponies.”

*remembers one of Digo's ponies wearing a dress*
What if crossdressing be a perfectly normal thing in Equestria, pre- or post-apocalypse?

GM: “Don't forget the cabbages.”

https://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8ko3dHPqL1qd9kcuo2_500.gif

DM: The smell coming from it is so putrid, so vile, that you almost feel like-
Me: I close the door.

What was the DC of the Fort save?

PoeticDwarf

2016-01-04, 08:14 AM

What was the DC of the Fort save?

Well, this was 5e, but he closed the door just in time to avoid a con save. The fox was the one of his "friend" and party member (see: barbarian).

DigoDragon

2016-01-04, 08:42 AM

*remembers one of Digo's ponies wearing a dress*
What if crossdressing be a perfectly normal thing in Equestria, pre- or post-apocalypse?

Well, dresses don't normally come with pants, so that's fair game. XD

This is how we die, we take out a dragon only to be killed by a pack of zombie dire wolves.

That... sounds a lot like how my old D&D group went out once.

Me: I close the door.

Nicely timed. :3

Autumn: “I'm just looking forward to enemy sails appearing over the horizon. Shame this isn't a frigate, with pegasi in the mix they'd fought like seaborn battlestars!”

Gizmo: “Now if anyone needs me I'm going to Starbucks to download the module for the game I'm running on Saturday. I get to use three umber hulks and a demon, on mostly fifth level characters.”

Autumn: *Cuffs Gizmo* “You know what you did.”
Gizmo: “I already cuffed myself IRL, what more do you want? Digo I swear to Starswirl’s beard if you quote this...”

Gizmo: *Studies any passing birds to attempt to discern wind speed and direction, and then relay that info to Autumn. Not that she needs it*
Autumn: “I know which way the wind's blowing, Gizmo!”

Open Oceans: “Didn't I already tell you, kid?”
Reuben: “There... may have been alcohol involved. On my part. Um...”
Reuben's White Text: “He was somewhat recalling that tidbit, but he assumed some other dimensional being connected to him in a subconscious way may have been too stressed to recall exact details.”

Open Oceans: “It's almost like, you know, whoever wrote that wanted you to find Windsoar. They must be dangerously clever and shrewd, luring you to Windsoar for some sort of sinister purpose.”
[Beat]
Open Oceans: “Uh, that'd be really bad, wouldn't it?”

goto124

2016-01-04, 09:11 AM

The fourth wall is breaking down,
Breaking down, breaking down.
The fourth wall is breaking down,
My fairy pony.

Joe the Rat

2016-01-04, 11:34 AM

The joys of roll20 maps:

Soba-Tai the Monk: Why is Darth Vader on the Wall?
Charles the Rogue: I want to check Darth Vader for traps.

Diachronos

2016-01-04, 09:55 PM

"'Conducting an experiment'... While other people are in the room... Say, I've got an experiment! If I hit you in between the legs, will you go down faster than this thing went up?"

DM: *walking around imitating a plague zombie* "There's a chair there.... There's a chair there..."

"Don't go to Donjon, you'll get a kingdom full of sulfur dioxide."

Necroticplague

2016-01-04, 11:03 PM

Gene: An axe is a l0t like s0me 0f these pictures.
Shibu:........do I even want to know why?
Gene: Y0u're g0nna have a hard time getting them 0ut 0f y0ur head!

ImSAMazing

2016-01-05, 06:21 AM

*My character, the barbarian, has just dropped the party's Paladin down to 0 HP in a duel, but the Paladin got help from the rest of the party to kill me, plus some worgs(See enderdwarfs/Dire_Stirges post)
Me(Barbarian): Guys stop it! I just defeated him. Duel is over.
Wizard: It is over indeed. And that's why we are going to kill you now.
Me: Noooooo

A few rounds later:
Rogue": I am so sorry, Rolls a critical hit, deals 28 damage, but I had to attack you

Me, OOC: When did your characters all started to hate me?
Wizard, OOC: The moment you knocked me at 0 HP and stole my most important stuff.
Me, OOC: You attacked me first, you know

goto124

2016-01-05, 06:54 AM

Gene: An axe is a l0t like s0me 0f these pictures.
Shibu:........do I even want to know why?
Gene: Y0u're g0nna have a hard time getting them 0ut 0f y0ur head!

What happened to the "o" key when you were RPing Gene?

DigoDragon

2016-01-05, 08:08 AM

GM: “If there's anything you want to play out before then, go ahead and do it.”
Reuben: “Like a musical number?”
GM: I don't know. Does Reuben have a whale of a tale? Is it all true? Does he swear by his tattoo? Yeah it's a really old reference and no one's gonna get it. Sue me.”

GM: “I am just amused by the idea of Reuben recovering willpower by singing about all the mares he has met and not dated so far.”
Reuben: “I'm torn between two songs. One about Reuben's feelings for Calamity and the other about his joy in cooking.”
GM: “I assume Musical Number is in order to be your next edge?”
Reuben: “If I don't, I give Autumn irrevocable permission to cuff Reuben.”

Reuben: [Tune: Come and Get your Love]
"Hey (hey) What's the matter with your hunger? yeah...
Hey (hey) What's the matter with your nose and all your drooling?
And-a ooh-ohh
Hey (hey) Nothin's a matter with your gut, fellers, feed it
Come on and feed it
Hell, eat it, sailors, 'cause it's fine and sublime
And it tastes so divine

Come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch

Hey (hey) What's the matter with your full gut?
Don't you feel full, sailors?
Hey, oh, yeah, chase it with the sweet glaze, donut
I said-a eat it, eat it, buddies, love it
If you like it, yeah-eh
Hey (hey) It's your business if you want some
Take some, eat it together, fellers

Come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch

Come and get your lunch, come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch, now
Come and get your lunch, come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch, now
Come and get your lunch, come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch, now
Come and get your lunch, come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch, now

Come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch
Come and get your lunch"

Anonymouswizard

2016-01-05, 02:09 PM

Investigator: Not only is the Slayer Oath illegal, he was in violation of it.

Investigator: He was wearing a vest.

Investigator: he made a bomb vest out of black powder? No wonder it wasn't effective.

'My leg got blown off!'
'It's over there!'

RCgothic

2016-01-05, 02:14 PM

Autumn: *Cuffs Gizmo* “You know what you did.”
Gizmo: “I already cuffed myself IRL, what more do you want? Digo I swear to Starswirl’s beard if you quote this...”

Context: Posting Star Wars spoilers in ponythread.

Anonymouswizard

2016-01-05, 02:24 PM

'...as a series of fantasy novels that get bizarre as they go along. Obviously written for young adults. Thought to have been written by a really high elf.'

'A world without magic, really hardcore noir stuff.'

Necroticplague

2016-01-05, 03:32 PM

What happened to the "o" key when you were RPing Gene?

1. Gene isn't a character. They're a pseudonym, and I haven't been differentiating IC and OOC chat in this thread .
2. The character that was being RPd had an odd hollow effect to their voice, and I figured the typing quirk was a good way to represent it.

Anonymouswizard

2016-01-05, 04:04 PM

GM: he removed his spy stripey shirt and spy mustache, I know he's a rat and that it shouldn't work like that, but apparently he pulls it off.

goto124

2016-01-06, 12:51 AM

'...as a series of fantasy novels that get bizarre as they go along. Obviously written for young adults. Thought to have been written by a really high elf.'

Something something high elves.

Mutazoia

2016-01-06, 03:23 AM

DigoDragon

2016-01-06, 08:16 AM

GM: he removed his spy stripey shirt and spy mustache, I know he's a rat and that it shouldn't work like that, but apparently he pulls it off.

Wait, an actual little furry rodent? :3

Something something high elves.

I'm now imagining Cheech Marin as an elf, and I can't stop snickering.

I'm thinking he does, in fact, have a whale of a tale or two.

You got the reference? :D

GM: “High up in the sky above you, heavy and thick clouds are gathering at a faster rate than what should be naturally possible. They swirl together as if sucked in by a gigantic, invisible vortex, molding into a carpet that quickly starts to block out the sky. And their colour, disturbingly enough, is a deep, glowing crimson.”
Leviathan: “Remember. I am the creator of all serpents, and queen of the ocean. And I will reclaim my ruby, no matter what you do.”
Reuben: “Did we get her attention? I think we got her attention.”

Reuben: “Hey Gizmo, you think you can do some calculus on the fly to find the perfect surface areas we need the sails at?”
Gizmo: “Maybe? I'm more or less in the same boat as the GM here (no pun intended).”
Reuben: “Puns are ALWAYS intended.”

Reuben: “Reuben is getting into a bad habit of nearly falling off the edge of something. He seems to have a poor grasp of the ... gravity of the sitch.”
GM: “The constant threat of falling must really be taking a toll on his sanity. I hope he doesn't lose his grip.”
Reuben: “I hope not. I'm waiting on the Gymnastics check results to see how all this will... go down.”
GM: “If he does fail, it'd certainly be a fall from grace for him.”
GM’s White text: “Is this seriously how I am spending my time on Christmas? Oh well...”

goto124

2016-01-06, 10:04 AM

Merry Christmas!

Wait.

PoeticDwarf

2016-01-06, 10:34 AM

Player I'm lawful neutral
Me Really? You?
Player Yeah, I think it is fitting because I just don't care about others

Me So you think it is a good idea to trick your party members?
Player I can explain, I trick everyone and I lie to everyone
Me Well, if you say it that way it is less worse

DigoDragon

2016-01-06, 11:44 AM

Merry Christmas!
Wait.

*Snerk* It is Three Kings Day however, so you could get away with that. :D

Player Yeah, I think it is fitting because I just don't care about others

This describes one of my former D&D players so well.

ZeroGear

2016-01-06, 04:45 PM

*Snerk* It is Three Kings Day however, so you could get away with that. :D

Wow, I forgot that! Mostly because no one in the US celebrates it.

Also, if Reuben is pulling a Gilligan, who is the movie star, the professor, Mary Ann, the millionaire, his wife, and the skipper? I'd love to see the equation here.

DigoDragon

2016-01-06, 06:11 PM

Wow, I forgot that! Mostly because no one in the US celebrates it.

It is celebrated in Puerto Rico, so I've had a few years where I got something under my bed that wasn't dust.

Also, if Reuben is pulling a Gilligan, who is the movie star, the professor, Mary Ann, the millionaire, his wife, and the skipper? I'd love to see the equation here.

Morning Star would probably be the... err, star. Gizmo is definitely the Professor. Autumn would be... hmm, the Skipper?

ZeroGear

2016-01-06, 09:53 PM

Morning Star would probably be the... err, star. Gizmo is definitely the Professor. Autumn would be... hmm, the Skipper?

...Adding "Digo's ponies dressed as the cast of Gilligan's Island" to the list of pictures I hope will be drawn in time; right above several ideas for OCs from my as of yet unwritten meshing of Bloodborne and FiM called NightmareBorne (done in the style of FA:E), and below pictures/mini-comics from "Blood and Pancakes".

GrayGriffin

2016-01-07, 04:25 AM

Petaran: “He’s cute. Don’t eat him. … Or distract him too much.”
Ninviidost: “(…I’m a girl.)”
Petaran: “Shhh. Don’t tell her, she’ll want to eat you to reduce competition.”
Ninviidost: *squeaks*

"Is Jericho’s important information 'I am not gay for your furniture; that is all'?"

RCgothic

2016-01-07, 04:32 AM

Morning Star would probably be the... err, star. Gizmo is definitely the Professor. Autumn would be... hmm, the Skipper?

I'm not really familiar with Gilligan's Island, so I couldn't really comment.

RCgothic

2016-01-07, 06:03 AM

From my IRL group:

Captain Astor: Calm the **** down. *Persuasion nat 20*
Raging Poltergeist: Don't tell me to calm the **** down! *throws teacup*
DM: Roll initiative.
Raging poltergeist: *22*
Captain Astor: *23*
Raging poltergeist: Uh oh...

Captain Astor: *Smites for 60 damage*
Raging poltergeist: *Dies*
Captain Astor: He should have calmed the **** down.

Morwenna: I can dance if I want to!
Captain Astor: You can leave your friends behind!
Exom: 'Cos your friends don't dance and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine!
*Group Safety Dance*

DigoDragon

2016-01-07, 09:23 AM

...Adding "Digo's ponies dressed as the cast of Gilligan's Island" to the list of pictures I hope will be drawn in time; right above several ideas for OCs from my as of yet unwritten meshing of Bloodborne and FiM called NightmareBorne (done in the style of FA:E), and below pictures/mini-comics from "Blood and Pancakes".

So much artwork to do, so little time. :smallbiggrin:
My backlog is probably around four pages of one-line ideas by now.

I'm not really familiar with Gilligan's Island, so I couldn't really comment.

The Skipper was somewhat the leader of the group. Big, strong, and known for the dope-slap with his hat on others, particularly Gilligan.

Captain Astor: He should have calmed the **** down.

Wow. That shut 'em up. XD

GM: “Don't worry about Gizmo taking damage, though. I was just kidding around with that 'Danger'.”
Gizmo: “You could have also said getting wet, or a form of it. With his body score I doubt he can swim well.”
GM: “He's under deck, though, and the water is not breaking through yet. Do you want me to put Gizmo in danger?”
Reuben: “Uhh... please no? If Gizmo needs to make swim check while below deck then we're ALL in trouble.”

Gizmo: “Well, it’s a good thing half the crew can doggy paddle.” *drops mic*
Gizmo: *Gets kicked out of club because those things are expensive*

Reuben: “And Reuben goes out with the best worst puns he can think of. I regret nothing.”

Autumn: “Can Autumn use her point of Valor to act twice in the reaction round and attempt to catch Reuben?”
GM: “Eh, sure. Why not? It'll take another roll to which tireless won't apply, though.”
Autumn: *Rolls a 14* “Speaking of potentially critical missing bonuses... Hope that didn't need a 15!”
GM: “I think this marks one of the few times Autumn has ever failed to do something. That check actually did need a 15.”
Reuben: “Oh come on! Autumn's luck picked a lousy time to stop rolling 20s.”
GM: “...Is it cruel to say she dropped the ball there?”
Reuben: “I thought about questioning why Reuben would be a proverbial ball here, but he does seem to be the kind of pony to... bounce back from adversity.”

Necroticplague

2016-01-07, 10:17 AM

Shibu: This is one of those situations where I'm intrigued enough to want clarification, and disturbed enough to not want to hear another word about it.

Debatra

2016-01-07, 10:29 AM

"Okay then, back into the cage I guess."

"WHY IS THERE CHEESE IN MY WHISKEY?!?!"

Taet

2016-01-07, 12:09 PM

P3: Look at this one. He should be using this mini instead. It comes from Spider-man and it has about twenty little spiders on it. :smallsmile:
P7: And you could put him in the middle of them, in a beach chair, wearing sunglasses... :smallcool:

P2: You just killed [P6] with a toolkit? :smallconfused:
P5: He threatened me with a can opener! I am bound to take that a bit personally! :smallmad:

braveheart

2016-01-07, 01:10 PM

Drake:we just get on the charizard back and fly to the other side
Sam: that might not be a good idea, they likely have some form of AA
Drake: What do batteries have to do with it?

Gym leader: using it will allow you to taunt your enemies ad nauseam
Drake: why would I want to get sick?

Winds

2016-01-07, 10:54 PM

Legend of the Five Rings

Crab PC: "Don't finish it yet. A Shadowlands creature taken alive would be quite useful."
Spider PC: "All right. But I will finish it if it moves again."

An NPC Crane who has been standing back moves to finish the downed, nearly dead tsono-and misses.

Spider and Crab: ..."AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!"
Crane NPC: :smallannoyed: "I challenge you to a duel!"
Spider PC: "Me?" *keeps laughing*
Crab PC: "Really? We're still under attack, you know."
GM: At which point, the other tsono your friend saw becomes visible, and jumps to land on the downed one.
Crane NPC: "No, wait! I challenge *you* to a duel!"
Tsono Commander: "You are not worthy."
GM: ...Oh ****, that's a lot of damage. His backhand, uh...sends the Crane flying.
Spider PC: *still laughing*
Crab PC: "...I'll laugh at that one later."

ellindsey

2016-01-07, 11:04 PM

Player: On my action, I'm going to cast Summon Minor Monster and summon some crows!

(rolls 1D3, only gets 1 crow).

Player: Dammit, looks like it's only attempted murder.

AdmiralCheez

2016-01-07, 11:31 PM

Finley: Look Dawnbringer, I know you want to smite the evil surrounding our boat, but like, let's just chill a bit and not get ourselves killed. There's like... a lot of them out there.

Dravin: What type of magic do I detect on the chest?
DM: Roll a d100 of fate.
*Nat 100*
DM: All of them.

Dravin: No, you really don't want to drink the water elemental.

Julio: That's the first time I've seen Purify Food and Drink used in combat.
Nadarr: And it worked too!

goto124

2016-01-08, 02:23 AM

Dravin: What type of magic do I detect on the chest?
DM: Roll a d100 of fate.
*Nat 100*
DM: All of them.

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/quctnjen7hix9excpgwp.gif

AdmiralCheez

2016-01-08, 09:09 AM

https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/quctnjen7hix9excpgwp.gif

If it didn't before, it does now.

DigoDragon

2016-01-08, 09:11 AM

Drake: What do batteries have to do with it?

Drake: why would I want to get sick?

I see where this is going, and I still approve.

Crab PC: "...I'll laugh at that one later."

That's comedy. :3

Gizmo: “I feel like I should point out that Reuben has a rope tied to both him and the mast.”
Reuben: “How long a rope is it? Best case scenario is that Reuben is now hanging off the mast. Worse case is the rope is longer than it takes Reuben to reach the deck. That will definitely hurt more than 'slightly'.”
GM: “The rope is most definitely long enough for him to smack against the deck. It's supposed to safe people from falling off the ship and not restrain them while they are walking around on it. Which at least will make it helpful if he ends up falling into the sea, which might happen depending on the dice…”

Dice God 1: “Well I dunno. Should we have Reuben smack his head against the deck or just dump him in the choppy waters?”
Dice God 2: “Hmmm, maybe we could... do both?”
Dice God 1: “Both?”
Dice God 2: “Yeah, both.”
Dice God 1: “Hmm, both is good. Yes, both.”

GM: “Oh well. Damage time! Autumn and Gizmo take (*Rolls 2d6*) 11 Light Fortitude Damage.”
GM: “Reuben takes (*Rolls 2d6+4*) 7 Average Fortitude Damage.”
Autumn: “I'm amused that the light damage is greater than the average.”

GM: “Sheesh, how cruel of a DM do you think I am? I'm not gonna kill off a PC just like that in a system that assumes non-lethality even in a worst case scenario. I mean, you dissolve one love interest NPC into a puddle of snakes and everyone thinks you're pure evil!”

Reuben: “The dice LOVE Autumn. I'd ship her with the RNG.”

GM: “Uh, no roll from Autumn there?”
Reuben: “The way she's been rolling, assume it's a 17+ for the rest of this scene.”

Reuben: “Reuben and Autumn
Fighting the sea
W-I-N-N-I-N-G
First comes rolls
Then comes buffs
Then they kick flank for they're hot stuffs!”
[/Childish Songs Based on Shipping]

Side note: As I'm out of quotes for this campaign and Blood&Pancakes, I'll have to expose you all to the quotes tomorrow from the campaign I'm running. :3

goto124

2016-01-08, 10:55 AM

If it didn't before, it does now.

Glad to help! :smalltongue:

I was reminded because the last time I saw that gif, interneters came along and commented:

Interneter 1: "Officer: What color was the car?"
Interneter 2: "All of them."

Side note: As I'm out of quotes for this campaign and Blood&Pancakes, I'll have to expose you all to the quotes tomorrow from the campaign I'm running. :3

Best of luck! Or otherwise, since bad stuff leads to more funny jokes!

ZeroGear

2016-01-08, 11:27 AM

Gizmo: “I feel like I should point out that Reuben has a rope tied to both him and the mast.”
Reuben: “How long a rope is it? Best case scenario is that Reuben is now hanging off the mast. Worse case is the rope is longer than it takes Reuben to reach the deck. That will definitely hurt more than 'slightly'.”
GM: “The rope is most definitely long enough for him to smack against the deck. It's supposed to safe people from falling off the ship and not restrain them while they are walking around on it. Which at least will make it helpful if he ends up falling into the sea, which might happen depending on the dice…”

Dice God 1: “Well I dunno. Should we have Reuben smack his head against the deck or just dump him in the choppy waters?”
Dice God 2: “Hmmm, maybe we could... do both?”
Dice God 1: “Both?”
Dice God 2: “Yeah, both.”
Dice God 1: “Hmm, both is good. Yes, both.”

GM: “Oh well. Damage time! Autumn and Gizmo take (*Rolls 2d6*) 11 Light Fortitude Damage.”
GM: “Reuben takes (*Rolls 2d6+4*) 7 Average Fortitude Damage.”
Autumn: “I'm amused that the light damage is greater than the average.”

GM: “Sheesh, how cruel of a DM do you think I am? I'm not gonna kill off a PC just like that in a system that assumes non-lethality even in a worst case scenario. I mean, you dissolve one love interest NPC into a puddle of snakes and everyone thinks you're pure evil!”

Reuben: “The dice LOVE Autumn. I'd ship her with the RNG.”

GM: “Uh, no roll from Autumn there?”
Reuben: “The way she's been rolling, assume it's a 17+ for the rest of this scene.”

Reuben: “Reuben and Autumn
Fighting the sea
W-I-N-N-I-N-G
First comes rolls
Then comes buffs
Then they kick flank for they're hot stuffs!”
[/Childish Songs Based on Shipping]

Side note: As I'm out of quotes for this campaign and Blood&Pancakes, I'll have to expose you all to the quotes tomorrow from the campaign I'm running. :3

That adventure must have been boatloads of fun.

RCgothic

2016-01-08, 11:31 AM

Still is. The quotes have just caught up to the rate of posting. :smallwink:

DigoDragon

2016-01-08, 12:11 PM

Best of luck! Or otherwise, since bad stuff leads to more funny jokes!

Spacing it out, I can post one group per day and it'll last a month. Not counting more posts that come up in that month, which is probably another 2 weeks worth.

That adventure must have been boatloads of fun.

Hoho! I like your style.

Still is. The quotes have just caught up to the rate of posting. :smallwink:

The holidays caused a lot of quote sessions to slow down, but I have a good feeling that things are going to... set sail again.

Lord Torath

2016-01-08, 02:10 PM

Necroticplague

2016-01-08, 02:57 PM

Having just read a thread about Steampunk, my first thought was that NPC Crane was a construction crane, rather than a bird... :smallamused: (My wife joking about the construction cranes taking over the world probably didn't help matters any)

Honestly, when I first read that, I had forgotten all about the various Clans (despite being the same as 3e OA ones), and thought that the characters actually were a crane, spider, and crab.

Winds

2016-01-08, 03:08 PM

Having just read a thread about Steampunk, my first thought was that NPC Crane was a construction crane, rather than a bird... :smallamused: (My wife joking about the construction cranes taking over the world probably didn't help matters any)

...And now I have inspiration for a tech character. Again. Thank you and curse you.

braveheart

2016-01-08, 04:21 PM

Honestly, when I first read that, I had forgotten all about the various Clans (despite being the same as 3e OA ones), and thought that the characters actually were a crane, spider, and crab.

Oh, they aren't doing an anthropomorphic game? I never even considered any other options

goto124

2016-01-08, 09:10 PM

Pyrous

2016-01-08, 10:51 PM

Honestly, when I first read that, I had forgotten all about the various Clans (despite being the same as 3e OA ones), and thought that the characters actually were a crane, spider, and crab.

And if you hadn't posted it, I would still be thinking that. :smallannoyed:

Who am I kidding? I am still imagining it, plus the clans. :smallbiggrin:

DigoDragon

2016-01-09, 09:33 AM

This is a campaign I'm running. Chronicles of Ponaria: Symphony of the Neigh
Trace Whisper (aka the bat pony rogue who gives everyone nicknames)
Beryl Bakestone (aka Flour-girl, Sweetie, the crystal pony paladin chef)
Crossguard Platine (aka Dame Crossguard, the other paladin, the unicorn most likely to break Trace's leg)
Midnight Squall (aka Vanilla, the bat pony cleric, the favored shipping target)
Frostbite (aka Frosty, Mr. Freeze, the earth pony sorcerer, dude with the mouse familiar)
Spirit (aka Snowy, the albino zebra, the druid that is neutral-aligned because evil alignments aren't allowed)

DM: “Ponaria. It is out there that many travel by caravan in search of their fame and fortunes promised by stories that whisper from the lips of bards. …But this is not one of those caravans.”

DM: “If any gods exist, they certainly have not been witnessed directly. This doesn't stop small temples and cults from cropping up. Some are harmless, others... well not so much.”

Trace Whisper: Um... can I get a mulligan? Or the maybe the point buy?”
DM: “Well, I suppose since you have a single score with a modifier above +0, I'll grant you one mulligan. But only the one.”
Trace: “Second verse, same as the first. ...actually no that would be bad.”

Spirit: “No one is going to be proficient with Thieves' Tools, are they? I can find and disable magic traps with Arcana, but it will be a sad day if the party is brought low by a single locked door.”
Trace: “Shoot, I volunteer to be the bard/rouge then. Nevermind about me exploding.”

Spirit: “My quarterstaff now volunteers for '10ft pole' duty.”

Beryl Bakestone: “I’m an apprentice baker with delusions of grandeur.”

Trace: “Nah, two paladins, a rouge, and sorcerer. Interesting group so far.”
Spirit: “Well, there's also the Druid with high Int, too, but I suppose he's chopped liver.”

Spirit: “Great. Character generation isn't even finished and I'm already trying to figure out how to ship Frostbite and Beryl, and come out with Crossguard as their daughter via time travel shenanigans.
Beryl: “I wake up and my character is already being shipped with time travel involved to become another character's mother? Yup, this is Ponythread plays an RPG alright.”
DM: “I smell success in this campaign's future.”

Inevitability

2016-01-09, 11:27 AM

This is a campaign I'm running. Chronicles of Ponaria: Symphony of the Neigh

Your campaign name is awesome.

ImSAMazing

2016-01-09, 01:26 PM

*remembers one of Digo's ponies wearing a dress*
What if crossdressing be a perfectly normal thing in Equestria, pre- or post-apocalypse?

https://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8ko3dHPqL1qd9kcuo2_500.gif

What was the DC of the Fort save?

Ah great memories of that picture.

ZeroGear

2016-01-09, 10:33 PM

"Hand me the Duct Tape."
*Evil smile* "Gladly"

kopout

2016-01-09, 11:39 PM

DM: what's the DC?
J: :31
DM: :smallsigh:
A: Put. Ze die. Back

DM: you'd have found a way to brake the game with knowledge geography
J: :smallconfused: How?
DM: I don't know, but I know you.

Sam113097

2016-01-10, 01:47 AM

Ranger: "How many lifeboats does it take to fit a dire bear? This is gonna be just like Life of Pi!"
(He took both lifeboats, leaving the rest of the crew to fight a dragon-turtle while their ship split in half and sank.)

goto124

2016-01-10, 03:47 AM

paladin chef

No comment.

Trace: “Shoot, I volunteer to be the bard/rouge then. Nevermind about me exploding.”
Trace: “Nah, two paladins, a rouge, and sorcerer. Interesting group so far.”

I shall assume the rogue wear rouge.

Spirit: “My quarterstaff now volunteers for '10ft pole' duty.”

How long before the quarterstaff becomes a quarter of its original size?

Spirit: “Great. Character generation isn't even finished and I'm already trying to figure out how to ship Frostbite and Beryl, and come out with Crossguard as their daughter via time travel shenanigans.

Better than the character who had a lifespan of -10 minutes, aka got killed even before the game started!

Erberor

2016-01-10, 03:55 AM

"I'm not bluffing, I'm just stupid"

Cleric - "Alright, undead! I turn them!"
DM - "right, you tell me what happens cause I sure don't know how turning works!"

DigoDragon

2016-01-10, 09:07 AM

Your campaign name is awesome.

Thanks! :D

I shall assume the rogue wear rouge.

It's probably the autocorrect on his phone doing that.

How long before the quarterstaff becomes a quarter of its original size?

Might take a long while as he's yet to use it for anything.

Spirit: “Actually, unrelated, since you're the only arcane caster among us, is there any chance you could try and invent/learn Power Word Defenestrate? Given all the stained glass windows around Gothic architecture and such, it could be rather useful.”

Midnight Squall: “My defining character attribute is anger.”

DM: “I'll remember to try and not be too graphic when I describe your first boss dismemberment.”

Crossguard Platine: “Wouldn't this campaign technically be a game of Digo & Dragons?”
Trace: “Ten points to Ravenclaw!”

Spirit: “Private notes will be displayed, but no text therein will be visible unless you're the owner of the sheet. With that said, any reason why a wet trout in particular?”

Beryl: “There is a wonderful problem with Trace's cunning plan; there are no Carrot Muffins yet.”
Trace: “I blame shoddy information given from a literal rat.”

DM: “These ponies wear red bananas with a silhouette crescent of a unicorn horn crossed against a carrot.”
Frostbite: “Such a bold fashion statement!”
DM: “Annnnd turning off Autocorrect.”

Spirit: “Just curious if I could spot sneaky batpony before he made his presence known.”
Dice: *Fails*
Spirit: “Nope. Surprise bat.”

Inevitability

2016-01-10, 01:06 PM

Rogue: Perhaps we should return to save the paladin?
Bard: We intervened on his honorable duel to the death. Either he's dead already, or he wants to kill us. Either way, I say we get away from him.
Rogue: I guess so...
Bard: It's not like we're going to need him, anyway.
[A few days pass]
DM: And that's twelve damage from that orc, so you're down too. What a pity you haven't got anyone with healing, or good armor, or lots of HP.
Bard's Player: Okay, we might have made a poor decision back there.

Me: So, guess we're playing a new campaign. What are you going to play?
Guy Who, Like, Always Plays Paladins: A Chaotic Evil Drow Sorcerer with lots of mental problems.
Me: :smalleek: I think the universe just broke.

Player: I already have this great name for my character. Behold sir Chaperone!
Me: You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.
Player: It's a hot person who goes to parties with younger children, right?
Another Player: A pedophile?

ImSAMazing

2016-01-10, 01:47 PM

DM: What will you going to be playing in this new campaign?
Me: A Paladin 1/Death Cleric 5. Later on I will take another level in Paladin and after that another 13 levels of Cleric. He wears heavy armor, uses a longsword and a shield and fights with and for his undead. See him as an undead general. Also, my magic item will be a headband of intellect, so I can have an intelligent zombie captain.
Other player: That is the first character who's combat style is actually original.

PoeticDwarf

2016-01-10, 03:17 PM

"I'm not bluffing, I'm just stupid

Still THE way to avoid a bluff/deception check

Some quotes:

Wizard: I walk away from the orc so I don't have disadvantage
Me: so an opportunity attack, he misses
Wizard: now I cast scorching ray, without disadvantage, HA
Bard: you don't have level 2 slots left
Wizard: I'll cast ray of sickness then
(this is 5e to make it a little bit clearer)

Bard: whoo, I almost suffocated and our friends are dead but at least I...
Paladin: WHAT HAPPENED
Bard: That's right, we haven't met yet, but I'm not in a state to tell you
Paladin: SAY IT
Bard: *casts vicious mockery* haha, your nose is too long and you smell,don't be rude next time
Me: you are aware the paladin has full health and you like 1
Bard: I'm sure he won't kill me

One minute later

Bard: Well, not THAT sure, but at least I can now play a cleric with undead followers
Rogue: what a surprise

braveheart

2016-01-10, 06:55 PM

Drake: can this broadcast on all channels?
NPC: yes
Drake: *mounts charizard and begins singing the tune of flight Of the Valkyries on all channels*

Daylin: this was a supposed to be a stealth job
Drake: I'M THE DISTRACTION

Draconium

2016-01-10, 10:53 PM

Me: I burst into the room, flare my wings, and yell, "I AM YOUR GOD!"

DM: It's a wooden portcullis.
Me: Well, now it's a pile of ash.

DM: It's a locked wooden door.
Me: Well now, it's a pile of ash!

DM: It's a stuck wooden door.
Me: And now it's a pile of ash. :smallamused:

DM: It's a simple, unlocked wooden door.
Me: ... It's a pile of ash.

Me: What kind of door is it?
DM: ... A pile of ash. :smallsigh:

Armed of Hadar

2016-01-10, 11:10 PM

DM: "You enter the seafood store. Inside is an old lady at the counter chopping up some fish. As you approach, she grins toothily, saying 'I heard there was some fresh meat in town.'"
Hunter: "I check to make sure she's not a shark."
DM: "...Roll for it."
Hunter: "20."
DM: "You know there is no way a human could ever be also a shark."
Hunter: "I remove my finger from my gun, momentarily satisfied with the absence of hostiles."
-----
Alchemist: "I snatch Hunter's fish and slap him with it."
Hunter: "'Fish-snatching? I knew there was a shark in here!' I attack Alchemist."

Mandark

2016-01-11, 01:20 AM

GM: “If there's anything you want to play out before then, go ahead and do it.”
Reuben: “Like a musical number?”
GM: I don't know. Does Reuben have a whale of a tale? Is it all true? Does he swear by his tattoo? Yeah it's a really old reference and no one's gonna get it. Sue me.”

It's from "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. And sung by Kurt Russell.

Whale of a Tale
Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, lads
A whale of a tale or two
'Bout the flappin' fish and the girls I've loved
On nights like this with the moon above
A whale of a tale, and it's all true
I swear by my tattoo

There was Mermaid Minnie
Met her down in Madagascar
She would kiss me
Any time that I would ask her
Then one evening, her flame of love blew out
Blow me down and pick me up!
She swapped me for a trout

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, lads
A whale of a tale or two
'Bout the flappin' fish and the girls I've loved
On nights like this with the moon above
A whale of a tale, and it's all true
I swear by my tattoo

There was Typhoon Tessie
Met her on the coast of Java
When we kissed, I...bubbled up like molten lava
Then she gave me the scare of my young life
Blow me down and pick me up!
She was the captain's wife

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, lads
A whale of a tale or two
'Bout the flappin' fish and the girls I've loved
On nights like this with the moon above
A whale of a tale, and it's all true
I swear by my tattoo

There was Harpoon Hannah
Had a face that made you shudder, lips like fish hooks...
And a nose just like a rudder
If I kissed her and held her tenderly

Crew member with deep voice:
Held her tenderly-y-y-y

There's no sea monster big enough
To ever frighten me

Got a whale of a tale to tell ya, lads
A whale of a tale or two
'Bout the flappin' fish and the girls I've loved
On nights like this with the moon above
A whale of a tale, and it's all true
I swear by my tattoo

Taet

2016-01-11, 01:29 AM

P1: So the chihuahua bites her ankle. And she gets angry, and pulls out her greatsword, and does nine damage to it. :smallamused:
P5: Whoa. Chihuahua chum from here (touches ankle) all the way up to here (touches upper leg). :smallyuk:
P2: That's what I'd do to a chihuahua too. :smallamused:

DM: what's the DC?
J: :31
DM: :smallsigh:
A: Put. Ze die. Back
Our game shop does have more of a 'problem' with Mel Brooks than Monty Python. Which I am happy about. :smallbiggrin:

DigoDragon

2016-01-11, 08:38 AM

Another Player: A pedophile?

Awkward.

DM: ... A pile of ash. :smallsigh:

Poor DM. I know that pain from an adventure where the party sorcerer just loved using Disintegrate on every locked door and trap before the rogue caught up to do his thing.

It's from "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. And sung by Kurt Russell.

You get a cookie!

Our game shop does have more of a 'problem' with Mel Brooks than Monty Python. Which I am happy about. :smallbiggrin:

I approve.

DM: “King Leo as my witness...”
Frostbite: “Oh geez, suddenly now all I can think of is Leo Whitefang.”
DM: “Ferb, I know what my NPC king is going to look like today!”

Trace: “You know what they say, when Fate closes a door, Luck opens a window. And Karma disables the alarms.”

Trace: “What kind of baker wears armor anyway?”
Beryl: “A really awesome one? ...or one whose parents have told her since foalhood that monsters can attack you no matter if you know how to fight or not. Which is why it's me out here. Because I do. They don't.”

Spirit: “To make a trap, one needs bait. Preferably something appetizing that no one would miss. The rude camp thief who's been stealing rations for the past few days, without a crunchy armor shell to dissuade the creature? You fit the bill perfectly.”

Crossguard: “Only in Equestria are there Ocean's 11 style heists for baked goods.”

Spirit: *Rolls knowledge check to get info on the monster that’s eating residents*
Pokedex: “Cragadile: The Crocodile Pokemon. Hungry and aggressive, its true power comes from its thick hide, which is even tougher than a Golem's.”
Trace: “Uh… thanks, Dex.”

Spirit: “I have received troubling news from the woodlands. This is no simple beast hunt. We must engage in... (sigh) Politics.”

Beryl: “It is kind of adorable to have to worry about prices in the 2-5 gold range. Such is the life at first level and 0 xp.”

Necroticplague

2016-01-11, 09:27 AM

Bard1cKnowledge

2016-01-11, 02:20 PM

DM:You have that look on your face that says "I'm going to abuse the rules to do something really stupid" again.
Gene: I have no clue what you're talking about. My current idea is only awesome,
About a half hour passes.
Gene: Now time to Death Attack with a caber toss.....
DM: Called it.

Speaking of abusable, Im building and testing out a new character for a pathfinder game

Four words: Front Line Shield Wizard

A wizard with a bonded Longsword that I use to cast Shield

Lord Torath

2016-01-11, 02:28 PM

Forum Explorer

2016-01-11, 02:36 PM

Bat Pony. Is that the Equestria version of "Batman" (always has the right tool for the job), or a pegasus with mammalian wings instead of bird wings?
Or something else altogether?

Mamallian wings, fangs, and cat eyes.

Rater202

2016-01-11, 02:44 PM

Mamallian wings, fangs, and cat eyes.

It's ambiguous whether they're a pegasus subtype, a separate type of pony, or just pegasi under an illusion. There's a tweet from one of the show runners that says they're their own kind of pony, but that tweet also says that they live in caves in the mountain under canterlot and echolocate with their flatulence, so yeah, grain of salt.

DigoDragon

2016-01-11, 03:13 PM

Is that the Equestria version of "Batman" (always has the right tool for the job), or a pegasus with mammalian wings instead of bird wings?

Mamallian wings, fangs, and cat eyes.

What Forum Explorer said. They're a subtype that is more predisposition'd to stealth in my campaign world. Midnight has this quirk of using hooks to sleep upside-down, which I found to be a neat quirk of the character.

ZeroGear

2016-01-11, 08:03 PM

"Dammit, this is taking too long! Time for Plan BOOM!"
"Wait...did he say 'Plan B' or 'Plan Boom?'"
"EVERYBODY DOWN!"

Diachronos

2016-01-12, 02:14 AM

Swashbuckler: ((OOC)) "I can take him."
DM: "This isn't really meant to be a "we can take him" moment, cuz I doubt you can."
Swashbuckler: "I'm guessing he's like, what, level 15?"
DM: "Yes, actually."
Alchemist: "Now, hold on, we might still be able to take him. What's he leveled in?"
DM: "Uh... Barbarian."
Alchemist: "...We, we might not wanna fight him..."

vasharanpaladin

2016-01-12, 07:29 AM

DigoDragon

2016-01-12, 08:31 AM

Quick question: system?

D&D 5e. This is my Race document (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O1Tbgtc66NKq7bgAsYCL5XN9xjQI-hMDJheBuzuqfiY/edit?usp=sharing).

Beryl: “...muffins, no... bad muf—Wha-? ...dream? What did I just dream?”
Trace: (Eating a stolen muffin) “Did it involve King Leo, Princess Platinum and a duck?”
Beryl: “No, it was about muffins. That were... poisoned? Tasted... wrong. Ponies fell down, didn't get up.”
Trace: (wiping his mouth) “You now have my attention.”

Beryl: “I could not resist this setup and I am totally not sorry. Trace eating a muffin and Beryl mumbling somewhat about poisoned muffins. Have fun with that.”

Trace: “Side note, did I just dream of Luna? Is Luna telling me something?”
DM: “Trace doesn't remember her mane color, but I think the coloration is more like Nightmare Moon. …Note, it's not actually Nightmare Moon.”
Trace: “Too late, head canon formed. It’s a scared Luna finding out about her dream powers. Trace is just drowning in mares.”

Beryl: “I feel like somepony should object to the whole ‘Ask ponies to bleed for us because we think one of the is the not-Cragodile’ plan.”
Spirit: “Quite probably. Spirit's pretty heavily on the praDMatic side, and he's not too good on picking up universal values.”
Midnight: “It also might be at least somewhat reasonable if we tell the ponies why we're pricking them with a knife before we actually do it. And, you know, get their permission. ...Yeah there are flaws with this plan.”

Trace: “I just realized how I can exploit clouds for sneak attacks.”

Trace: “But in my defense, as well as for Trace, he was focused more on the muffins than the plot.”

Bard1cKnowledge

2016-01-12, 03:18 PM

You've got that wrong!

I remember saying "Then it wasn't a weird dream"

Anonymouswizard

2016-01-12, 03:24 PM

DM: you happened to be dating a guy who went to university and was walking by a lecture on the Dwarven schism...

PC1: that would be most of a cow!

PC2: to the plot!

PC3: are there chaos penguins.
DM: we don't know.
PC3: can we find out.

DM: they are making deals with the Skaven what the hell.

goto124

2016-01-13, 12:59 AM

I love penguins too! I've given a pet penguin to my PCs for no reason other than "they're cute", and even played penguins NPCs. Not sapient penguins, not even talking penguins, just ordinary penguins that waddle around and honk at people.

DigoDragon

2016-01-13, 08:26 AM

Beryl: “Well, I was hoping we'd have a moment where we were gathered around a table, making the plans for going after the... whatever it is...”
Spirit: “I believe the proper term would be crocothrope.”

DM: “For clarification, Beryl meant the blood draw on [Rita’s] leg, right? Sorry, my mind was elsewhere with that.”

Beryl: “And for the mind thing, mine's been there since Trace said he was more interested in ‘Muffins’ than the plot after waking up in a room with two high-charisma mares. That word has been ruined to me from My Little Pony...”

DM: “I'm starting to wonder how the Equestrian blood banks ever managed.”
Beryl: “Well, the challenge is not ‘Asking for blood’, it's ‘asking for blood from a stranger who just worked up the courage to go say hi’ without looking creepy for it.”

Spirit: “I believe that cookies are traditional after giving blood?”
Beryl: “Well, cookies, or some piece of candy for younger foals, yes. Although, I think I know what Rita wants most of all from giving blood… Payback.”
Spirit: “...No, she looks like she could use a cookie right now.”

Trace: “Even so, there's most likely a place that the local troublemakers gather. Isn't there?”
DM: “If I were a PC, I'd be worried about any town that doesn't have troublemakers and shady alleys.”

Trace: “The only thing I'm scaring is a mouse.”
Frostbite: “You leave my mouse alone.” :smallannoyed:

Spirit: “I'm the party Pokedex now, aren't I?”

McNum

2016-01-13, 11:41 AM

Well, it seems like either Beryl or her player has a verbal tick. Well, I have no idea what it is or who plays her. Well, maybe I'm lying a bit there. :smallwink:

ZeroGear

2016-01-13, 02:03 PM

"Hold still so I can shoot you!"
"Does yelling that ever actually work?"
"Does that ever stop anyone from trying?"

Beacon of Chaos

2016-01-13, 04:56 PM

Well, it seems like either Beryl or her player has a verbal tick. Well, I have no idea what it is or who plays her. Well, maybe I'm lying a bit there. :smallwink:
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1x08ijSOV1qezk6n.gif

Diachronos

2016-01-13, 05:55 PM

"Yeah, you'd have enough monkey fish left to get back."

"So, how much damage is that?"
"Eh, about a hatful of d6s."

McNum

2016-01-13, 05:58 PM

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1x08ijSOV1qezk6n.gif
Well, I am totally okay with that comparison.

Cristo Meyers

2016-01-13, 08:02 PM

"Yeah, you'd have enough monkey fish left to get back."

"So, how much damage is that?"
"Eh, about a hatful of d6s."

I read that as 'hateful' the first time. Oddly appropriate given my view that dice of polyhedral crystallizations of pure hate and malice...

--

"How does a 12-year-old Egyptian/British girl know about a botched Russian heist?"

"Oh god, buttons. You can't trust me with buttons..."
"Elevators must be your personal hell."

"I sense a disturbance in the Force..."
"Someone just asked your sister out on a date?"
"...yes."

"Welcome to The Old Republic: where the canon's old news and the lore no longer matters!"

Miltonian

2016-01-13, 11:01 PM

Hello everyone! Long-time reader of this thread. Just managed to assemble some of my own!

Me: "You know what, forget this, I'm going to go get a sandwich! Hey DM, what sandwiches are available in this area of the city?"
DM: "Rat."
Me: "Right! Rat-sandwich it is!"

Player 1: "Are you just going to let him screw me over?"
Player 2: "Why would he NOT let me screw you over?"
Me: "...I kind of agree with (Player 2) on this one..."

Me (As the DM): "Alriiiight then...(rolls a few dice) You plug the AI chip into the back of his power-suit. Stealthily. It turns off for a moment. Ten seconds later, it turns back on, but now thinks its a luchador."

Necroticplague

2016-01-13, 11:08 PM

Bruta: Yes, we're glad you figured out the shamalyan plot twist. Now, can we either find a way to exit it, or give me my shirt back, or preferably both?

DigoDragon

2016-01-14, 08:20 AM

"Hold still so I can shoot you!"
"Does yelling that ever actually work?"
"Does that ever stop anyone from trying?"

Three lines where the response can all be the same 'No'. :3

Well, I am totally okay with that comparison.

I am as well... :smallbiggrin:

I read that as 'hateful' the first time.

Now that you mention this, I have a hard time reading it the correct way.

"I sense a disturbance in the Force..."
"Someone just asked your sister out on a date?"
"...yes."

I wonder if any of Mirror's older brothers have this ability in the Fallout campaign I'm in.

Me: "Right! Rat-sandwich it is!"

Mmmm. :3

Bruta: Yes, we're glad you figured out the shamalyan plot twist. Now, can we either find a way to exit it, or give me my shirt back, or preferably both?

Both? Both. Both is good!

(for all it's faults, Road to El Dorado is still quite quotable)

Beryl: “A cragadile that maybe isn't a cragadile, attacks that maybe aren't attacks... So, is the Western Waystone to the east as well?”
[Beat]
Beryl: “You know what, I'll ask! Excuse me sir, and I know this may sound a little silly, but could you tell me which way to go to find the Western Waystone?”
NPC: “It’s to the east, about a mile out.”

Midnight: “Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that Midnight Squall has a snarky streak. This pleases me.”
Trace: “Dear young dream Luna, torment Squall for Trace because Trace is a huge baby and can't take being on the receiving end of snark.”

Trace: “I ain't a coward, I just like the preservation of my life. The only thing I can respects knights for is how they take care of their tools.”
DM: “Oh this set up is too easy…”

Beryl: “I noticed something familiar in the Things I'm No Longer Allowed to Do (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?440508-Things-I-May-No-Longer-Do-while-Playing-IX-GNO-GNOMES!&p=20039630&viewfull=1#post20039630) thread. And I couldn't stop laughing for a full minute. Now I will say, in our defense... we were out of cookies.”

Spirit: “Hm. There isn't an element of PraDMatism. Or SCIENCE!, so I'd be hesitant to pick, but none of the others fit... Screw it. Spirit will invent the element of SCIENCE! and become it.”

Beryl: “So I propose we go XCOM on the thing. Beat it up, and see what makes it tick. Then adapt its technology and biology to enhance our own.”
Spirit: “Why is this text crossed out? I thought that's why Vahlen Spirit was on the team.”

goto124

2016-01-14, 09:06 AM

I wonder if any of Mirror's older brothers have this ability in the Fallout campaign I'm in.

*get out a violin*

Eeee! Eeee! Eeee! Eeee!

Beryl: “I noticed something familiar in the Things I'm No Longer Allowed to Do (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=20039630&postcount=852) thread. And I couldn't stop laughing for a full minute. Now I will say, in our defense... we were out of cookies.”

Mobile Site User: Oh no, it's the attack of "showsinglepost"!

To clarify, showsinglepost does not work on mobile sites. You could click on the link (http://i.imgur.com/KwATlvu.png) (showing the thread title) at the top right-hand corner of the page to obtain a different link (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?440508-Things-I-May-No-Longer-Do-while-Playing-IX-GNO-GNOMES!&p=20039630&viewfull=1#post20039630) that works on mobile sites.

Taking steps to make things easier for mobile users!

DigoDragon

2016-01-14, 09:09 AM

*get out a violin*
Eeee! Eeee! Eeee! Eeee!

Hee. I needed that smile today. :3

Mobile Site User: Oh no, it's the attack of "showsinglepost"!
To clarify, showsinglepost does not work on mobile sites. You could click on the link (http://i.imgur.com/KwATlvu.png) (showing the thread title) at the top right-hand corner of the page to obtain a different link (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?440508-Things-I-May-No-Longer-Do-while-Playing-IX-GNO-GNOMES!&p=20039630&viewfull=1#post20039630) that works on mobile sites.

Ah, I was not aware of that issue. I have edited the link for convenience!

goto124

2016-01-14, 09:26 AM

Thank you! Have a hug! (https://vintage.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/139290853262.png)

DigoDragon

2016-01-14, 10:56 AM

Thank you! Have a hug! (https://vintage.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/139290853262.png)

Yay, hugs! :D

Some old D&D quotes a past player wanted me to put in~

Nagumo: "So what's been happening since I was gone?"
Vincent: "Well we were supposed to save the world, but I think we screwed up."
Bar Maid: "It's on your To-Do list sir! A work in progress."

Olivia: "Wow... 6000 gold pieces for bringing the SDMC to justice?"
Nagumo: "Each! And there are seven members."
Vincent: "Seven members at 6000 GP each is..." *Looks for calculator-fails to find it* "...a lot of money."

Nagumo: "Wait, why does their leader look like the Hamburgerler?!"

Queen Catherine: "For capturing two members of the SDMC, here is a reward of 12,000 gold pieces. For crimes against the crown though, off with your heads!!"

Vincent: "What is it with queens and head chopping?"
Olivia: "Well for one it guarantees you won't be doing the same stunt again."

Nagumo: "I talk to the Drow."
DM: "She's unconscious."
Vincent: "Then it should be a quick conversation."

Nagumo: "These aren't colors, these are power rangers."

Vincent: "Ideas like this get people killed."
Nagumo: "No one should die in this mission, especially me!"

Vincent: "We can hide the dragon in my shirt pocket."
Nagumo: "I can't see it in your pocket. What if it has its next growth spurt?"
Vincent: "I'll say, 'Okay my next set of pecs just grew in'."

Red Wizard: "I apologize if my compatriots are complete idiots. I debuffed them that way."

Nagumo: "Ah yes, I can scry the location of the Nightmare Machine... I'll brew a potion and..."
DM: "Do you have Alchemy as a skill?"
Nagumo: "No, but I can fake it, right?"

Vincent: "What were the four virtues the sign said again?"
Mira: "Trust, Love, Compassion, and Truth."
Olivia: "None of which we have."

Nagumo: "I roll a 29 to unlock the door."
DM: "The door is unlocked. The vault is now opened."
Nagumo: "Well so much for the Trust virtue."

Vincent: "It should not sound like Yahtzee when I'm rolling dice."

Kobold: "You can't take me down!"
Olivia: "I just crit you twice, drop dead already!"
Kobold: "I'm Invinicible!"
Olivia: "You're a loony!"

Red Dragon: "Kill them my minions!"
Disgruntled Minion: "Screw you guys, I'm going home."
Nagumo: "Wait, do we still get the exp for-"
Disgruntled Minion: "Ah, ah, ah! Screw you. Home."

TheTeaMustFlow

2016-01-14, 06:21 PM

Mercer: Clearly simple guard duty is below a being of your stature.
Beholder: ... ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY LIFE CHOICES?
*beat*
Mercer: ...ohcrap.

DigoDragon

2016-01-15, 09:18 AM

Beholder: ... ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY LIFE CHOICES?

Yikes. o.o
Back away slowly and don't look 'em in the eye(s).

Beryl: “And today I learned that Beryl does not find the idea of being bitten by any kind of crocodile appealing, especially on a date.”

Crossguard: “I swear to Celestia, if you pull a Darkwing Duck speech, I will find a way to immortalize Beryl Bakestone. Preferably in a purple cape and fancy hat.”
Beryl: “’Terror that flaps in the night’ doesn't work for Beryl, though.”
Crossguard: “I am the fury that trots in the sunlight! I am the <Situationally Appropriate and Dreadful Metaphor>! I am CRYSTAL CRUSADER!”
Beryl: “I am the mouse in your sack of flour! …needs work.”

Beryl: “I had to stop that argument, it never, ever ends well. Was a bouncer back home, I've seen this one way too often. Only cure I know is shouting and cookies, in that order. And I can shout real good.”

Crossguard: “THAT WAS A TWENTY, PARASPRITES ATE THE ROLL!”

Trace: “Trace is just leisurely floating on a cloud, guiding it to the Waystone. He's still ground level, he just likes putting the maximum amount of effort into putting the least amount of work, like walking.”

DM: “Is it just me or does Guidance seem to dislike high rolls?”
Spirit: “I am beginning to feel Early Doc's pain.”
D20 die: *Rolled a 4. Again*
Spirit: “...My rolls on the d20 should not look like my rolls on the d4. Wow. The dice really either hate Guidance or hate me.”

Beryl: “I didn't actually expect a ping on the Evil-dar, though. So that's... interesting.”

AdmiralCheez

2016-01-15, 06:11 PM

DM: Speaking of sewers, you guys are out of food.

Finley: Going vegetarian there, Julio?
Julio: No, I'm just not a cannibal.

Nadarr: Remember when I Thunder-Punched Swamp Thing?

Finley: To be honest, I forgot that NPC was with us until she died.
Mordai: To be honest, I forgot she died until you brought it up just now.

Aedan: Most people over the age of six feet...

DM: You can buy conceptual stuff down here.
Finley: Like...?
DM: Like a caravan passage to the surface.
Mordai: Or friendship.
Julio: It's a ship... made out of your friends.
Derro Shopkeep: And with a group that size, I could make you a galleon fit for a King!

DM: The derro battleaxe looks more like a dagger on a stick.
Derro Shopkeep: Hey pal, you want a dagger-on-a-stick? It slices, it dices, it stabs your enemies.
Mordai: I just wanted a battleaxe.
Derro Shopkeep: It's a battleaxe too! Just turn it sideways.

Mordai: Have a nice darkness!

ZeroGear

2016-01-15, 10:20 PM

"That's it! I'm going to turn you into an asparagus!"
"What? Why asparagus?"
"I LIKE ASPARAGUS!"
"But...I don't wanna be asparagus. I hate that stuff."
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU LIKE! I LIKE IT, YOU ANNOY ME, SO I'M GOONA TURN YOU INTO IT AND EAT YOU!"
"I'm going to give you such an ulcer."

kopout

2016-01-15, 11:09 PM

DM: Your turtle's having a seizure and probably will be for at least the next day.

Miltonian

2016-01-16, 02:05 AM

Player 3: I stuff the zombie in my freezer and go answer the door.

Me: Mike runs into the house and pulls out his phone. His eyes go wide when he realizes he never texted him his escape route.
Player 1: I text him 'Jump out the second-story'!
Me: After a few moments, you see Mike as he leaps through a second-story window and lands in a nearby bush.
Player 1: I blow the house up.

Rafael: (NPC) Do you have more pancakes?
Player 3: YES WE HAVE MORE PANCAKES! I WILL MAKE YOU SOME RIGHT NOW! (Nervous laughter)

DigoDragon

2016-01-16, 08:29 AM

Aedan: Most people over the age of six feet...

Mixing up your measurements. I remember my Shadowrun campaign where that was the running gag on the PC dragon's age. ^^;

Beryl: “Uh, guys...? There's something... wrong here.”
Frostbite: “Can you be more specific about 'wrong'?”

Spirit: “Because superstition is completely justified when it comes to the arcane workings of online dice rollers.”
Beryl: “It wouldn't be a proper D&D game without dice superstitions, so I approve.”

Spirit: “Time to deliberately try and fail a knowledge check to get a plot hook.”
d20 die: *Rolls a 19*
Spirit: “I hate you.” :smallannoyed:
Trace: “The one time you wanted to roll low on purpose.”
d20: "Nah."

Beryl: “Reading the results post is fun. ‘Nercomancy, crocodile, nothing, nothing... Wait, what was the second one again?!’”
Spirit: “May or may not shine some insight onto what the vials, book, and bloody dagger are for. Or we could just read the book and get ambushed by a (Were?)-Cragodile.”

Midnight: “Alright, Initiative for Midnight (who I will remind Digo is male)…”
DM: *Blushes and sits low in his chair*

Crossguard: “Really? A sparkling suitcase? WHO WANTS NEW SADDLEBAGS?”

Beryl: “I hope this fight goes well. I've been a little worried to see how it'll all fall out, but time to find out. Level 1 fights are so... coin-flippy in earlier versions.”
DM: “If anything, the action economy is on your side and most of you have ranged weapons, flight, and intelligence.”
Beryl: “You will notice that Beryl has none of those, unless [the cragodile] is made of cake or ancient rocks.”

Necroticplague

2016-01-16, 04:02 PM

Shibu: Gene, if your next line is in any way a play on sheathing, polishing, or hilting, I will smack you so hard the scar will be put there retroactively.
Gene: Dammit, there goes all the lines I had planned.

kopout

2016-01-16, 09:12 PM

DM: The lookout says there are two trolls coming up the road.
D: Trolls? Plural?
DM: Yes.
D: My character falls unconscious and starts bleeding reflexively.

DM: The smaller troll is holding a sign that says "Diplomat, no hurt"

J: That's a seduction attempt by the way.
DM: Not only expected but planed for.

DM: Does anyone have enlarge person?

goto124

2016-01-17, 02:54 AM

Midnight: “Alright, Initiative for Midnight (who I will remind Digo is male)…”
DM: *Blushes and sits low in his chair*

Is this an RL game where you're the DM, Digo?

One Tin Soldier

2016-01-17, 03:04 AM

Is this an RL game where you're the DM, Digo?

Nope, it's a PbP here on the forums. He was just describing what his reaction would be if we were in person. (I'm Midnight's player)

PoeticDwarf

2016-01-17, 03:09 AM

Player I changed my idea about the cleric, if we are hanging around in a town it isn't that good
Me You had that concept 6 days, that's like the longest time you ever kept an idea
Player Yeah, and I just changed because we aren't going to the countryside
Me Well, you know that isn't the final de...
Player It is too late, I gave up hope:smallamused:

Inevitability

2016-01-17, 06:09 AM

Me: And so begins the epic tale of the handaxe-wielding, lizard-riding zombie knights. All is lost.

DigoDragon

2016-01-17, 09:11 AM

Is this an RL game where you're the DM, Digo?

Nope, it's a PbP here on the forums. He was just describing what his reaction would be if we were in person. (I'm Midnight's player)

I do have a RL chair though. :smallbiggrin:

D: My character falls unconscious and starts bleeding reflexively.

LOL, that is a hilarious response.

Gene: Dammit, there goes all the lines I had planned.

I had a player like that. pre-writes all his one-liners ready for quipping.

DM: “Cragodile Strength test versus Entangling. Need to roll a 13 or higher!”
d20 Roll: *13*
DM: “Okay, Cragodile resist test versus Crossguard’s Intimidate. Need to roll at least a 17.”
d20 Roll: *17*
DM: “...you're kidding.”

DM: “Meanwhile, a tox scan of the croc failed to detect any unusual disease like lycanthropy. It did pick up traces of poisonous nightshade in the body. Unusual as crocs aren't herbivores to anyone's knowledge.”

Spirit: “This means that the brewer of these potions, a murderer, is hiding in the general area. And has a very poor idea about sustainable practices. He could have set up a blood drive with free healing and cookies. But no. He goes out and kills ponies.”

Beryl: “...we could try to flush him. Go in, talk big about dead Cragodiles, and try to unnerve him.”
Trace: “Nope, nope. We killed the thing, we win. Snacks.”

Beryl: “What flavors did you think of for the different ponies? I still think Beryl is strawberry. It's the mane, it looks way too much like a strawberry hard candy.”
DM: “I only thought of Spirit as Pina Colada.”
Midnight: “I would be one of those weird chocolates mixed with hot peppers.”
Frostbite: “Frost is, of course, spearmint. Or maybe cool ranch, whatever the hell that is.”

Beryl: “Congratulations to Midnight Squall for the first Critical Hit of the game. And further congratulations to the Cragodile for being the target of said Critical Hit.”

goto124

2016-01-17, 09:40 AM

Behold the dice gods!

Beacon of Chaos

2016-01-17, 09:51 AM

A few I remembered from a 5e game back in 2014. None of these were written down so I'm paraphrasing a lot. Part 1 of 2 or 3.
Solaire: Animal loving human paladin
Adrik: Drunken dwarf barbarian wrestler
???: Overly curious gnome bard (He only stuck around for about 2 sessions and I can't remember the character name)
Dimir: Long suffering tiefling warlock (Me)
Evan: No-nonsense human rogue

Paladin: "I'll use my detect good and evil ability."
DM: "The sword radiates evil. You think it's probably cursed."
Bard: "I'll pick it up!"
Us: "No!"
*after a lengthy battle against a cursed armour*
DM: "The cursed sword finally drops from your hand."
Bard: "I pick it up again."
Warlock: *sigh* *Drags gnome away by his ear*

DM: "On the ceiling there's a mural, depicting a scene with an attractive naked woman and some angels..."
Paladin and Barbarian: "Ooh, boobies!" *they stare*
Warlock: *sigh* *drags them away by their ears*

DM: "... and on the perch is a parrot."
Paladin: "I check the room for good and evil."
DM: "It's a holy parrot."

NPCs: "It's the Red Wizard! Get her!"
Warlock: "I'm not the Red Wizard! I'm not even wearing red!"
NPCs: "It's the Red Wizard in disguise! Get her!"

Rogue: "We'll need to come up with a plan to sneak in there and find out what [the Red Wizard] is up to."
Paladin: "Why don't I just knock on the door and introduce myself?"
Rogue: "It's not really a plan is it?"

Gnome butler: "You can wait here in the foyer, but if I catch you breaking anything... I will show you gnome mercy!"
Players: *groaning/laughing*
Warlock: "You planned that, didn't you?"
DM: :smallbiggrin:

PoeticDwarf

2016-01-17, 11:21 AM

Rogue We still have to divide the magic items
Fighter You are totally right, smart, I lie down on the table

Rogue STOP, WITH, FIGHTING
Fighter On your service, I have my crowbar ready for this

This quote is made like 20 times on random moments:
Bard You smell weird *casts vicious mockery*

Fighter to sorcerer I hope you know, mister Wanner, that I will crush you with this Sledgehammer
Rogue Urgh, it is so bad, SO BAD

Rogue OOC Admit that when you would have to give boots of flying to someone, it would be to *name of sorcerer in real life*
Fighter OOC I would give them to myself

Sorcerer I cast lighting bolt on the Fighter
Fighter Oh no
Bard *facepalm*
Rogue I need another party
Me In the middle of the wooden room, where people are everywhere, you mean?

Inevitability

2016-01-17, 11:43 AM

Rogue: Why can't I ever spend some time in a bar without a fight breaking out?

Rogue: I thought you'd get along well. Instead, you insult each other, get in a fight, and set the bar on fire.

Fighter: Why don't you come up to my room?
Rogue: Oh Finn, you're a good guy, but I just can't. We've talked about this, don't make this so hard...
Fighter: I. Did. Not. Mean. That.

Rogue (disguised as guard captain): Greetings, soldier! I'm sorry for not arriving early, but I was busy trying to catch a few troublemakers. Nasty pieces of work, the lot of 'em. Especially that mysterious yet sexy half-elf. I guess you could say I... pursued him.
Guard: Okay sir.
Rogue: Eventually, I caught up to him, and we fought. I have to say, he's an expert... swordfighter.
Guard: Okay?
Rogue: I'll just go to sleep now. Our... encounter really tired me out.
Guard: Why do you keep pausing like that?

ImSAMazing

2016-01-17, 12:17 PM

Guards You are surrounded by 5 of us. Surrender now!
Me We'll see
1 round later
Me(OOC) How many guards are left? I didn't keep track on them.
DM(OOC) Just one.
Me You are surrounded by me. Surrender now!

Inevitability

2016-01-17, 03:05 PM

Rogue: The waiters are greedy, the food is expensive, and this chair is a bit uncomfortable. Why did I ever go to this place?
Mephit waiter: You have coin? I need coin!
Rogue: Sure, whatever. *tosses one GP*
DM: The mephits start fighting over the coin, screaming something about equal wages.
Rogue: Now I remember; free amusement!

ZeroGear

2016-01-17, 04:15 PM

"How are you doing?"
"Could be better."
"Care to explain?"
"I've been shot at, blown up, beaten, crippled, and almost died. I am talking to my friend through a radio in my head because I'm stuck in this chair while my metal parts are being re-tuned and my fleshy bits ache. I've got cables stuck in all sorts of places, and a pipe shoved up my..."
"Ok, I get the picture, you can stop now."
"Actually, it's not so bad. I wonder if they have a spare I can take with me for..."
*shouting while covering his ears* "LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! Not listening to this! Turning off the radio now!"

(cyborg repair can really suck sometimes.)

Bard1cKnowledge

2016-01-17, 06:35 PM

Me: I hereby dub the spell you used on me "Soul Punch"

DM: What's this guy going to do?
Me: If he's smart, stay down. He had a door open in his face, our fighter whacked him in his junk twice with a maul, and there's a dragon born and half orc standing above him. This is not his day.
Fighter: He can crawl away.
Dm: you're right, he disengages and crawls away

Me: he's at 30 feet away, Wisdom save.
Dm: *Fails* he tries to escape, but he is so entranced by how lovely your scales look.
Me:It is my blessing, it is my curse.

Sith_Happens

2016-01-17, 09:57 PM

Hello thread, long time no see.

Logan: "I go full Temperance Brennan creepy examining [the wizard]."
Logan: [*critical failure*]
Shonen (OOC): "My god, he's full of stars!"

Giles (Villain): "You aren't the sharp-est knives in the drawer, are you?"
Logan: "Really, a music pun? Killing my good friend is one thing, but for that pun? Now I don't want to shoot you, I just want to walk up and beat you to death."
Giles: "Your threats are falling a little flat, you know."
Logan: [*stammers indecipherably*]

Shonen (OOC): "That's a lot of hoes in this room. There only needs to be ho in this room and she's right there." [*points to Elphinna's mini*]

[More coming.]

goto124

2016-01-17, 11:40 PM

http://rustyandco.com/comics/2009-12-30-rusty2_4-9ffa58ba.jpg

Taet

2016-01-18, 02:40 AM

P10: ...and you [P5] are pantsless. Or maybe just undressed. :smalltongue:
P5: No, no, I think pantsless is exactly the right word. :smallredface:
P9: What I want to know is, are you in fact more machine than man? :smallsmile:
P5: :smallsigh:
P8: A six-million-dollar-man, if you will. :smallwink:
P5 :smallannoyed:
P9: Whether you've had a bit of male enhancement-- :smallbiggrin:
P5: :smallmad:
P9: --because I know, if the technology was available, I would. :smallcool:
P5: :smallfurious:

goto124

2016-01-18, 03:00 AM

How does a game have ten players?

Ninjadeadbeard

2016-01-18, 04:25 AM

"Gee, I loved that part where you gave me a seizure and I was mauled by wolves!":smallannoyed:

Taet

2016-01-18, 04:45 AM

How does a game have ten players?
Wargaming campaign, not RPG campaign. No DM. And people are happy to make quotes on games they are not playing in. :smalltongue:

DigoDragon

2016-01-18, 08:26 AM

Warlock: *sigh* *Drags gnome away by his ear*

Warlock: *sigh* *drags them away by their ears*

Being the Warlock must be a lot of pain. :3

Rogue STOP, WITH, FIGHTING
Fighter On your service, I have my crowbar ready for this

Heh, anti-violence violence.

Guard: Why do you keep pausing like that?

I think this guard needs a billboard to spell it out.

Me You are surrounded by me. Surrender now!

Nice. :D

Me: I hereby dub the spell you used on me "Soul Punch"

That sounds really painful. :smalleek:

Logan: [*stammers indecipherably*]

I call that a victory for punnery.

http://rustyandco.com/comics/2009-12-30-rusty2_4-9ffa58ba.jpg

I had never heard of this comic. This is great!

"Gee, I loved that part where you gave me a seizure and I was mauled by wolves!":smallannoyed:

Let me guess, the other party member ignored the sarcasm part and agreed? :3

Spirit: “Really, does this villain know how to ‘SCIENCE!’ at all?”

Crossguard: “So, we have a kidnapper/mad scientist in town. This is going to be interesting.”
Beryl: “Yeah, I'm not sure if Beryl is going to be on ‘Team Capture’ for this one... I mean, she's not the kind of pony to outright murder another pony, but...”
Crossguard: “SURRENDER, SCUM!” *KABLAMMO!!*
Beryl: “I was thinking the opposite order.” *KA-BOOM!* “Surrender or I'll make you explode again!”
Frostbite: “Can you do that? Can you make somepony explode twice?”

DM: “Trace manages to find the pegasus dealer in about two minutes. He's leaning against a fruit stall at the market, chatting it up with a bored-looking earth pony mare.”
Trace: “Aaaaaand, cue upside down Bat Pony.”
Pegasus Dealer: “Ahh!”
Trace: “Hey there, long time no see. I would like to purchase any info in the most illicit ways possible.”

Beryl: “...and yes, I am actually asking if we should investigate the inn as a spontaneous musical number. Or at least under the cover of one.”
Crossguard: “I have no training in the acoustic arts, but I suppose I could bebop my way through a number, in a rocksteady manner. Also, if your pun/reference detectors aren't Kranging, I have no way to help you. At all.”

Trace: “Look, I'm just doing this for snacks, and to get that baker off my back.”
Pegasus Dealer: “For snacks?”

Beryl: “Beryl performs another tactical hug on Trace. ‘The inn. Second floor. Green glow. I got the crowd. Go!’”
Trace: “Trace let's out a sigh and flies to the window, the things he will do for a snack.”
DM: “Roll me a stealth check.”
Trace: (Rolls) “16 is decent. I like this roll. ANOTHER!!”

ZeroGear

2016-01-18, 10:46 AM

Beryl: “...and yes, I am actually asking if we should investigate the inn as a spontaneous musical number. Or at least under the cover of one.”
Crossguard: “I have no training in the acoustic arts, but I suppose I could bebop my way through a number, in a rocksteady manner. Also, if your pun/reference detectors aren't Kranging, I have no way to help you. At all.”

All we need now are Shredder and Brain for a complete set.

Beacon of Chaos

2016-01-18, 01:02 PM

Being the Warlock must be a lot of pain. :3
It gets worse. :smalltongue:

DM: The trees attack. Bard, you won initiative, what do you do?
Bard: Can I make a performance check?
DM: To do what?
Bard: I want to pretend to be a tree and blend in.
Barbarian: I thought you were going to say you were going to make like a tree and leave.

Barbarian: "So, what happens if I pick the ring up again?"
DM: *smiling* "Try it!"
Us: "Don't do it!"
Barbarian: *picks the ring up*
DM: "You hear an unearthly scream. Roll for initiative."
Barbarian: *drops the ring and runs*

Barbarian: *attempting to scrape an ooze monster off his back with an axe* "Get this slime off me!"
Paladin: "But I want to keep it as a pet."
Warlock: "But you already have a dog."
Rogue: "Oh my god..."

DM: "Roll Dexterity."
Barbarian: *rolls low*
Rest of us: *roll high*
DM: "The dwarf slips down the stairs and falls into the rushing water below. He is quickly being carried away. *after a pause* Are any of you going to help him?"
Paladin: "...Ehhh. He'll be fine."
Warlock: *yelling* "We'll catch up with you later!"
Barbarian: *yelling* "Okay!"

Warlock: "I think now would be a good time to read that scroll I found."
DM: "You read the scroll aloud and tentacles appear from the ground and grapple the beast."
Warlock: "Nice!"
DM: *grins* "Now make a wisdom save to stop reading the scroll."
Warlock: "Uh oh."

Rogue: "It causes a surge every time you read it?"
Warlock: *reading the wild magic table* "Yeah. Oh, there's one on here that casts fireball centered on... me."
Rogue: "So on my turn I'll move away from her as fast as possible."

DM: "Roll on the wild magic table."
Warlock: *rolls* "...I turn into a sheep."
DM: "Most unfortunate! But you still have your mirror image spell up."
Warlock: "So I turn into a flock of sheep?"

DM: "As you walk into the abandoned library, illusory text asks you to sign the guestbook."
Party: *does so*
DM: "Dimir, as you sign the book, text in red appears reading 'Book overdue'."
Warlock: "You pick up one cursed book and you never hear the end of it!"

Paladin: "I ride the rhino into the library"
DM: "You see a sign saying 'Quiet in the library please!'"
Paladin: "I ride the rhino into the library quietly."

Stone Bust: "How many books can you place on an empty bookshelf?"
Rogue: "One, because once it's got a book on it, it's no longer empty."
Bust: "I'm sorry, the answer I have here is 'zero, because it can't be empty if it has any books on it', but you were close."
Rogue: "Now hold on a second! Maybe if you'd said 'how many can you store on an empty bookshelf'..."
*5 minutes of arguing later*
Bust: "I'm sorry but you failed the test, so if you still insist on arguing we'll have to force you to leave." *the busts begin to levitate*
Barbarian: "Oh, thank god!" *draws weapon and rages*

Pyrous

2016-01-18, 01:32 PM

DM: The trees attack. Bard, you won initiative, what do you do?

Obligatory OotS (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0583.html)
:elan: Oh man! Durkon is right! The trees ARE after us!!
:durkon: See? Tha's wha I been tryin' ta say all along!

PoeticDwarf

2016-01-18, 03:03 PM

Bard1cKnowledge

2016-01-18, 04:06 PM

@Digo

Soul Punch is not the actual name of the spell, its a custom spell for a homebrew game im in. But it does knoxk the soul out of the body, making it much easier to raise it apparently

Beacon of Chaos

2016-01-18, 05:07 PM

Obligatory OotS (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0583.html)
:elan: Oh man! Durkon is right! The trees ARE after us!!
:durkon: See? Tha's wha I been tryin' ta say all along!
Yep, I expected that. And Durkon was right; they weren't ents or dryads or anything like that. They were just trees that tried to kill us...

Indoors.

goto124

2016-01-19, 05:23 AM

Did the wood of the furniture turn nack into the trees they were cut from, to take revenge?

DigoDragon

2016-01-19, 09:01 AM

Warlock: *yelling* "We'll catch up with you later!"
Barbarian: *yelling* "Okay!"

I love the casual thought of these adventurers just be like "sure, see ya in a couple encounters". :smallbiggrin:

Soul Punch is not the actual name of the spell, its a custom spell for a homebrew game im in. But it does knoxk the soul out of the body, making it much easier to raise it apparently

That STILL sounds painful.

Crossguard: “Hugged tactically? I'd hate to see what the boops are reserved for.”
Beryl: “Silent communication in Horse Code, of course.”

Midnight: “Pastry-based quest rewards, tactical hugging... this really is an MLP game.”

Beryl: “Question: What's the difference between a cheering crowd and an angry mob? Answer: A Persuasion check and a target.”

Spirit: “Behold, the majestic Flugelhorn in its natural habitat: Playing and surrounded by unhappy ponies.”
Beryl: “Well, I'm not saying it’s Taps. But it's probably Taps. I mean what else would it be, except for an off-brand legally distinct version of it?”

Beryl: “Also, I got a present that I want to share with you here! [Link (http://fav.me/d9guwi3)] Should I be worried that she's not just attracting a crowd in-game, but out-of-game, too? At level 1, no less.”

DM: “A moment later there is a loud bang against the backroom door and a large crack from top-to-bottom is clearly seen.”
Midnight: “Stay behind me!”
Frostbite: “Not gonna lie, that's what I was planning to do!”

Trace: “It ate my roll in the ice chat.”

Spirit: “Well, Spirit may be bleeding out soon. He puts the 'squishy' in 'caster'.”

ImSAMazing

2016-01-19, 11:41 AM

DM: You know the Stormwind Falacy? Everytime I see a character build of you, I think the Stormwind Falacy isn't correct.
For information, this(^^^^^^^^) is something I read on a PbP thread.

Player My current concepts are a commoner with the Corpse flaw or a cavalier.

GAAD

2016-01-19, 12:50 PM

What is the Stormwind Fallacy?

Draconium

2016-01-19, 01:01 PM

What is the Stormwind Fallacy?

A logical fallacy that states that optimization prevents roleplaying, and vice-versa.

Anonymouswizard

2016-01-19, 02:42 PM

'Elves probably don't menstruate, they go into heat.'

'You know how expensive a condom isn't?'

EDIT:
'They're like Dwarven Starbucks combined with Dwarven pubs.'

Bard1cKnowledge

2016-01-19, 02:57 PM

It actually was a fairly painless process, a pristine corpse is easier to raise than a mutilated one apparently. Luckily it was a Cha save and I was a Paladin.

Me: No one attack the bullette, I want to charm it.

Me: His name is Bully and he loves tummy rubs.

(For clarification on the above, I was playing a pregen Bard in a PFS game, and it had a scroll of Charm Monster, which I used to bring back to an arena fight)

Beacon of Chaos

2016-01-19, 03:06 PM

Did the wood of the furniture turn nack into the trees they were cut from, to take revenge?
No, they were trees in a green house of some kind, but the house was infested with skeletons so it's possible they were undead trees of some kind. Or maybe it was an animate objects spell trap. Or maybe it was the giant wasps doing it somehow. We never found out.

I love the casual thought of these adventurers just be like "sure, see ya in a couple encounters". :smallbiggrin:

He ended up getting washed into an underground cavern that conveniently linked up with some underground water cannals we found, so we caught up to him in the end. :smallbiggrin:

goto124

2016-01-20, 02:47 AM

Midnight: “Pastry-based quest rewards, tactical hugging... this really is an MLP game.”

Is there a list of What Makes an MLP Game?

Rater202

2016-01-20, 02:51 AM

Is there a list of What Makes an MLP Game?

*Ponies
**Friendship
***Magic.
****Love.
*****Cake.
******A 10-11-12 year old building assorted nonlethal guns in his basement.

That last one might just be our group though.

Diachronos

2016-01-20, 04:04 AM

NPC Pirate captain: I'm not getting paid enough to transport these people. ((Culstists of Asmodeus))
Bard: Take it up with the boss. *Stab, party rogue sneak attacks captain*
Arcanist: ((OOC)) Is "take it up with the boss" your way of telling him to go to Hell?

"You all suck at fighting, and your god has floppy t*ts!"

cavalieredraghi

2016-01-20, 04:27 AM

No Rater that last one was just you.

goto124

2016-01-20, 07:16 AM

*Ponies
**Friendship
***Magic.
****Love.
*****Cake.
******A 10-11-12 year old building assorted nonlethal guns in his basement.

That last one might just be our group though.

******* Non-lethal guns.

cavalieredraghi

2016-01-20, 07:53 AM

******* Non-lethal guns.

******** Only other male character has actual kills under his belt, in a non killing system.

DigoDragon

2016-01-20, 07:53 AM

Me: His name is Bully and he loves tummy rubs.

Um... I'll pass on that...

He ended up getting washed into an underground cavern that conveniently linked up with some underground water cannals we found, so we caught up to him in the end. :smallbiggrin:

Hey, it worked out in the end. :D

Is there a list of What Makes an MLP Game?

No, but I suspect it wouldn't be difficult to come up with one, as Rater demonstrated.

******* Non-lethal guns.

I think there should be a "Sliding Scale of Non-Lethality". Even Nerf can put an eye out.

Frostbite: “Was writing a post in which Frost subtlety tries to get the bartender to tell him what's behind the door. Oh well...”
Midnight: “Midnight has about the subtlety of a flying brick.”

Trace: “Are we playing with subdual damage?
DM: “You don't play with subdual damage. Subdual damage is serious business!”

Midnight: “Upon seeing the ex-pony appear—”
Trace: “She's not dead! She's pining for the fjords!”

Crossguard: “Are zomponies used to smooth the ice during Pony hockey games?”

Trace: “Is Crossguard next to him? I want to ‘Rogue Smite’ him. Aka sneak attack.”
DM: “Crossguard currently is not, but technically Spirit is.”
Trace: “Viper Sting!” (Rolls a 2)
Trace: “...forget you saw that. All of you.
Spirit: “I can't. You rather loudly shouted the name of your attack. Don't worry, meat-piñata will run past to give you another chance.”

Spirit: “Um. Crossguard is nowhere near the Zompony. She's near the wolf-pony-hybrid abomination. Also, she missed.”
Crossguard: “Crossguard didn't miss. She critically missed, sir.”

Beryl: “So, just to be clear. There's a zompony on the first floor, and the wolf-pony is on the second floor, inside the room, right?”
DM: “Correct on the Zompony, but to clarify, the wolf-pony is running in the hallway of the second floor trying to chase Spirit.
Spirit: “Squishy meat-piñata does not enjoy this chase!”

goto124

2016-01-20, 08:04 AM

I should learn about and play 5e.

I think there should be a "Sliding Scale of Non-Lethality". Even Nerf can put an eye out.

But you didn't kill anyone, just lowered someone's depth perception. Or completely blind if you land two critical successes.

DigoDragon

2016-01-20, 09:36 AM

But you didn't kill anyone, just lowered someone's depth perception. Or completely blind if you land two critical successes.

Yes, but non-lethality and pain are two separate categories. Hence my idea of a scale. :smallbiggrin:

Non-lethal low pain: getting hit by a snowball.
Non-lethal high pain: getting knee-capped by a shotgun.

ZeroGear

2016-01-20, 02:16 PM

Yes, but non-lethality and pain are two separate categories. Hence my idea of a scale. :smallbiggrin:

Non-lethal low pain: getting hit by a snowball.
Non-lethal high pain: getting knee-capped by a shotgun.

Where on the scale would 'being gelded' sit, as opposed to 'being hit in the jewels'? Because I'm figuring them as equally painful, but the former leaves lasting damage.

Necroticplague

2016-01-21, 10:12 AM

Gene: Wohoo!, back to level 5 with use!
Bruta: Wait, I thought we were level 10?
Gene: No, we're normally level 5, but we've been doing a lot of hanging around on level 4 and 3 to do our jobs.
Bruta: Wait, when did we get level drained?
Gene: We didn't. We went down a level using the de-abstrationalist portals.
Bruta: And those decrease our levels?
DM: WE ARE NOT DOING THIS GODDANG ABBOT AND CONSTELLO RIPOFF AT THIS TABLE!

DigoDragon

2016-01-21, 10:38 AM

Where on the scale would 'being gelded' sit, as opposed to 'being hit in the jewels'? Because I'm figuring them as equally painful, but the former leaves lasting damage.

Hmm, good question. I would say that lasting damage is more painful.

Trace: “...I have daggers? All I thought I had was a bow/arrows and a rapier?”
Crossguard: “Looking at starting equipment, EVERY-BUCKING-PONY gets them.”
DM: “I see two on your character sheet, Trace! How did you not know you had daggers? Didn't you write your own character sheet?!”

Frostbite: “I think I know where the confusion is. Despite the name, ‘Chill Touch’ is not a touch spell. It has a range of 120ft.”
DM: “It used to be a touch-range back in 3rd edition, so I would be confused as well.”
Midnight: “Oooooh. Yeah, it's those pesky 3.5 instincts showing up, along with a confusingly named spell and not having my PHB on hand.”
Frostbite: “Perhaps I should rename it. Chill Wave? ‘A Touch of Frost’?”
DM: “How about Frost/Nix-On?”

DM: “Time for some anti-heroics.”
Dice: *three of the four d20s all roll a six. All the d6s roll a five, and all the d4s roll a three*
DM: “I feel as if the die roller just copy-pasta'd my post.”

Beryl: “Not that it has mattered yet, but just in case the zompony takes offense to being dealt 14 damage so far by her...”
DM: “Well you know, a little pain lets you know you're still alive... oh wait.”

Trace: “So one of my attacks hit, and Cross is right next to the captain so I get snark attack.”
DM: “Don't you mean sneak... ah. I see what you mean.”

Beryl: “We have to stop this thing!”
Midnight: “What do you think we're doing, giving it a massage?”

Trace: “By the way, it looks like the captain was using blood magic, or is part of this cult that uses blood magic, or is under someponies influence by the use of blood magic. Either way, blood is used with magic to get this. Blood magic.”

Beryl: “Sorry, Trace. I just want... Fuzzy here tied up before he starts rampaging and clawing ponies...”
Spirit: *Bleeding from getting clawed in the fight*
Beryl: “...again.

Surpriser

2016-01-21, 05:33 PM

"Suicide is a swift action, right?"

"Why is he upset anyway?"
"Don't know. Maybe because you crashed through his roof in the middle of the night in the form of a giant armadillo?"
"Oh right ... well, I leave through the wall"

goto124

2016-01-21, 09:20 PM

Beryl: “We have to stop this thing!”
Midnight: “What do you think we're doing, giving it a massage?”

Maybe massage would help stop it?

Recherché

2016-01-21, 11:19 PM

"Not fair! Not fair! Isn't hair!"

"But I don't understand human metaphysics!"
"And this is why you will never become a halfling"

AdmiralCheez

2016-01-21, 11:48 PM

DM: What did everyone get on initiative?
Dravin: 23
Aedan: 20
Julio: 20
Finley: 19
Nadarr: Uhh... 0? Do I even participate in this battle?

DM: Do you move at all?
Julio: I am performing a concert! I am not prancing around like a dancer!
DM: Showing no fear, got it... here comes a bridge.

DM: What do you guys know of Crenshinibon?
Tymorel: They have good cinnamon rolls?
DM: Oh good.

DM: The dragon sits lazily atop his massive mountain of gold. He's kinda pudgy around the middle, and barely moves when he speaks to you.
Dravin: So he's a cat dragon.

Keeper of the Flame: They stole something invaluable, something irreplacable.
Julio: Was it the flame?
Keeper of the Flame: No, the flame is a metaphor. There is no actual flame.

goto124

2016-01-22, 12:53 AM

Don't you know? Dragons are fantasy versions of cats.

Draconium

2016-01-22, 01:04 AM

Don't you know? Dragons are fantasy versions of cats.

Incorrect!

Cats are real-life versions of dragons. Get it right. :smalltongue:

DigoDragon

2016-01-22, 10:04 AM

Crossguard: “What have we missed?”
Frostbite: “I think we're all missing some important information here. You specifically missed the zombie. Us downstairs apparently missed diamond dog appreciation night.”

Trace: “That's my element for you. Speaking of, I think the guards are in for quite a shock.”
DM: “What, the missing town drunk turned zompony turned pile of dirt wasn't enough?”

Beryl: “Cross...? Do yourself a favor and DON'T try to feel for evil around the captain.”

Beryl: “So, either one really bad thing, or hundreds of murder-level bad things? I don't like either of those, but with our luck, it's probably the first.”

Trace: “Well if you're going to search more, I'm going to see a guy about a headless horse.”

Beryl: “I kind of want to have Beryl learn about Lay on Hooves right about now. And Spirit does have a 4HP wound right there for the touching. Just so she can ask Crossguard what's going on when we get some downtime. Beryl still considers herself a baker, after all, so a Paladin-to-Paladin talk about what's going on might set things straight/totally fuel her heroic delusions.”
DM: “I had trouble at first parsing if this is about Paladin Adolescence.”
Beryl: “The joys of Paladin Puberty. Your body is changing all kinds of holy ways.”

Trace: “Is it bad I'm thinking of ways to ruin my informant’s day even further?”
DM: “I think Trace's contact just died a little on the inside.”
Trace: “Actually I could use an assassin right now. And remember kids, if you hire an assassin, you get two donkeys.”

Beryl: “So, we're about to make a bunch of assassins angry? That seems... unwise. Fun, but unwise. Also, it hits me that waking up with a horse head next to you is a whole lot more creepy in My Little Pony than real life.”

Trace: “And as long as we are still talking Batman Equivalents, Trace is the Pony version of Catwoman. Only a guy. And Pony.”

Beryl: “I just hope [Beryl and Crossguard] are talking Paladin talk when Trace shows up. To a rogue-ish type that's just all the nope, twice.”

goto124

2016-01-22, 10:49 AM

Lay on Hooves

Where's the complete ponified spell list? Include non-spells, whatever they're called in DnD.

One Tin Soldier

2016-01-22, 11:04 AM

Where's the complete ponified spell list? Include non-spells, whatever they're called in DnD.

Mostly it's just Find & Replace Hands -> Hooves, or other such anatomical substitutions. Though there was one spell we got a bit stumped by: Find Steed.

DigoDragon

2016-01-22, 11:14 AM

Where's the complete ponified spell list? Include non-spells, whatever they're called in DnD.

We don't have an official written list. We substitute pony words in when thematically appropriate, so magic spells start looking like this~

Breezie Fire
Hold Pony
Hoof of Death
Mage Hoof

I haven't yet fixed the issue about mounts, as there are no horse mounts in this setting, so I'm looking for substitutes on the paladin mount ability and spells like Phantom Steed.

Lord Torath

2016-01-22, 01:02 PM

Mostly it's just Find & Replace Hands -> Hooves, or other such anatomical substitutions. Though there was one spell we got a bit stumped by: Find Steed."Mount" does something rather different as well. :smallbiggrin:

McNum

2016-01-22, 03:02 PM

Recently, Beryl had to roll a Sleight of Tail skill check, as she was dangling bait in front of an alligator. No, you're not getting more context than that in this thread. :smalltongue:

Fable Wright

2016-01-22, 04:17 PM

I haven't yet fixed the issue about mounts, as there are no horse mounts in this setting, so I'm looking for substitutes on the paladin mount ability and spells like Phantom Steed.

Digo, in your heart, you know the answer.

They summon bears. Obviously.

RCgothic

2016-01-22, 05:56 PM

Digo, in your heart, you know the answer.

They summon bears. Obviously.

:smallbiggrin:

DigoDragon

2016-01-22, 07:13 PM

"Mount" does something rather different as well. :smallbiggrin:

Oh myyyyy! [/Takei]

Digo, in your heart, you know the answer.
They summon bears. Obviously.

:smallbiggrin:

I think all the minions of my BBEG are officially fearing for their lives. As it is, that ship you're all looking for is doomed. XD

One Tin Soldier

2016-01-22, 09:03 PM

"Mount" does something rather different as well. :smallbiggrin:

You say that like it didn't already have that double meaning. :smallamused:

USS Sorceror

2016-01-22, 11:45 PM

Some from our last session.

DM: You find a brass contraption. It seems to be a large bowl filled with water attached to some sort of tank. Attached to the tank is a lever. It seems to be a gnomish invention.
Fighter: -pulls lever- Where did the water go?!

Bard: Okay knock him out.
Fighter: I slam him into the floor!
DM: Okay, you slam him hard enough, his skull cracks open. Something starts oozing out.
Bard: I said knock him out!
Fighter: I did! I thought, floor, hard....

DM: He walks away with all of the dignity that a goblin struggling to keep his nose and mouth above raw sewage can.

ZeroGear

2016-01-23, 03:04 PM

Beryl: “I kind of want to have Beryl learn about Lay on Hooves right about now. And Spirit does have a 4HP wound right there for the touching.[...]"

Please tell me that someone else noticed how wrong this phrasing can be taken? (never again shall I let any group I play in use the BOEF).

goto124

2016-01-23, 10:39 PM

I presumed it was intentional.

Also, paladin ponies should summon humans to ride. Do humans exist in that setting? Even if they don't, humans could easily be 'mythological' creatures :smallbiggrin:

ZeroGear

2016-01-24, 12:12 AM

Or they could ride goats. Everything is better with goats...and hydras...and dragons...and monkeys...and obscure fighting styles involving common household objects like Tai-Mop-Do and Pan-jutsu.

DigoDragon

2016-01-24, 09:00 AM

DM: He walks away with all of the dignity that a goblin struggling to keep his nose and mouth above raw sewage can.

*Snerk* That's funny. :3

Please tell me that someone else noticed how wrong this phrasing can be taken?

Oh I'm sure there was some form of "intentional" with the way it was phrased. :smallamused:

Also, paladin ponies should summon humans to ride. Do humans exist in that setting? Even if they don't, humans could easily be 'mythological' creatures :smallbiggrin:

Humans don't exist in this setting. I was thinking maybe a giant riding dog or something to that effect though. I need to look through the monster manual.

Or they could ride goats. Everything is better with goats...and hydras...and dragons...and monkeys...and obscure fighting styles involving common household objects like Tai-Mop-Do and Pan-jutsu.

Pan-jutsu like from Disney's Tangled? :>

DM: “Midnight doesn't find the other two abductees, but he recalled that the first one was 'disposed of' by the captain and the second mangled by the croc/cragodile.”
Midnight: “Ah, yes, that was right. Darned reading, who has time for it anyway? Not Midnight. He was on his way to get more answers.”

Bartender: “He was like… really persuasive. Unnaturally so, as if I couldn’t resist his commands.”
Midnight: “I am so tempted to cast Command on this guy right now. You know, for the sake of comparison. But that would be bad. But it would be funny... But also bad...”

Prisoner: “My master has his reasons. He will soon awaken, and my efforts here will help him walk again.”
Spirit: “Thank you. Any idea what he'll do when he's up and about? Reward his servants with eternal undeath? Eternal life? Crush your enemies? Or is his walking just a joyous event in and of itself?” *Takes notes*

Crossguard: “Crossguard's glance darts toward the nearly empty bowl of cookie batter for a second, but she steels her resolve. That devilishly sweet delight in the bowl will not get the better of her... this time.”

Beryl: “Just waiting for the cookies to finish, so if you like to lick the batter bowl, then by all means, go ahead.”
Crossguard: “I thank you, but I don't think my barrel will if this happens regularly.”

Crossguard: “Crossguard must commandeer your cookie batter, Beryl. She senses demonic influence in it.”
DM: “Seems legit.”
Trace: “Possible grand theft bakery right now.” *Fails Slight-of-Hoof check*
Crossguard: “Aw, Tatarus No! YOU ARE NOT STEALING THE BATTER!”
Trace: *Fumbles his attempt to just grab the bowl*
Crossguard: “UNHOOF THAT BATTER, BATPONY!”
Beryl: “Cookie batter is serious business. Especially to Paladins.”
Trace: “Trace counter attacks with sound logic!”
Crossguard: “Sound logic vs. a Paladin with a bit of an addiction to cookie batter does not work.”

Trace: “Jeez, I just wanted some of it. You don't have to get all scrooge about it. Aren't Paladins supposed to be about kindness and sharing?”
Crossguard: *Snorts at Trace crossly as she licks the bowl clean*

DM: “Unless your crystal pony grew up outside the empire, you would know the basics of the Crystal Heart.”
Beryl: “And since she grew up in Emerald City, yeah. She'll definitely know. Thanks.”
Trace: “Trace grew up Emerald city Adjacent. I'd bet he would know of it too.”
DM: “The Adjacent? That like growing up on the wrong side of the tracks?”
Trace: “They called it the Obsidian District. Besides not being an actual gem, I can't think of a way to make the fact you stated more obvious.”

goto124

2016-01-24, 09:19 AM

Behold, the Cookie Batter Paladin!

PoeticDwarf

2016-01-24, 10:42 AM

Bard: he always says that he is old. I asked how old and I have the answer
Rogue: how old is he? What did he say?
Wizard: That I am kinda old

Me: sounds as an epic fight on a tower of undead

Me: he was stuck because he put his finger in...
Bard and Wizard: Urgh
Rogue: you explain it the wrong way

Wizard: I'm not neutral but lawful chaotic

Wizard: says the one who is looking for an halfling in the toilet

Rogue: gnome, look intimidating

Ninja: are you going to kill me?
Rogue: no, I am not
Ninja: is the gnome going to kill me
Rogue: probably

Rogue OOC: you don't have a backstory, your characters raise out of the ground 1 minute before they are needed saying: I want might and money

Ninja: how did they know this
(Divination) Wizard: yeah...

Wizard: just drink the oil

Bard: I go to the Rogue
Rogue: you don't know where I am

Bard: I go to the Rogue
Wizard: You don't know where he is

Bard: I go to the rogue
Everyone: "-"

ImSAMazing

2016-01-24, 10:55 AM

Note: Well, I got invited to join a big crew full of criminals, so I am leaving as of now. Bye. Also, EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES!. Also, as you have noticed by now, I am not a caster. So yeah, I wasted ink, yay!
Player Wait what?

Inevitability

2016-01-24, 11:37 AM

Rogue: Are you in there?
Bard: Yes?
Rogue: Are you a small piece of paper telling me another party member left?
Bard: No?
Rogue: Then this day is proceeding slightly better than it should be.

Wizard: Greetings, younglings! I am...
Rogue: Don't care. Will you set something on fire if I pay you for it?
Wizard: Yes?
Rogue: Wonderful, you're hired.

Rogue: Wait. Pretends to be older than he is... expends resources to hide his powerful equipment... is small, wrinkly, and unquestionably evil despite claiming not to be... Your PC is based on Palpatine, isn't he?
Wizard: I'm surprised it took you so long to figure it out.
Rogue: You've been playing him for twenty minutes.
Wizard: I know.

Rogue: I knock the guy out and stuff his body in the closet.
DM: Another servant enters and gasps in surprise.
Rogue: 23 initiative... 15 to hit... 9 damage not counting sneak attack... He's down, right? I put both bodies in the closet.
[Time passes, things happen]
Rogue: I'm gonna need a bigger closet.

Rogue: Can you cook?
Bard: Yes...?
Rogue: Great, cook this.
Bard: That's a capibara.
Rogue: So...?

Rogue: I'll be honest with you. Of course we're going to kill you.
Prisoner: So why should I tell you anything?
Rogue: Because if you talk, we'll kill you before setting the building on fire.

DigoDragon

2016-01-24, 03:42 PM

Behold, the Cookie Batter Paladin!

Champion of RAW (cookie dough that is)

Rogue OOC: you don't have a backstory, your characters raise out of the ground 1 minute before they are needed saying: I want might and money

*Snerk* I knew players who'd be just fine with that too. XD

Note: Well, I got invited to join a big crew full of criminals, so I am leaving as of now. Bye. Also, EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES! EXPLOSIVE RUNES!. Also, as you have noticed by now, I am not a caster. So yeah, I wasted ink, yay!
Player Wait what?

Oooh, I wanna steal that idea. Put some important info in the middle of the chant just to see if the PC stops reading before getting to the good part.

Rogue: I'm gonna need a bigger closet.

Closet of Holding?

Rogue: Because if you talk, we'll kill you before setting the building on fire.

Wow, that's just evil.

TurboGhast

2016-01-24, 10:50 PM

Somewhat paraphrased.

DM: The portal leads to the Elemental Plane of Lightning Elemental Subsection of Lightning.

DM: You see a cat being pulled towards you by the air the portal's drawing in.
Varis: Oh no! (Is a wizard)

Varis: I wouldn't put it past a badly formed Lv2 spell to destroy a plane.

goto124

2016-01-24, 11:45 PM

Rogue: 23 initiative... 15 to hit... 9 damage not counting sneak attack... He's down, right? I put both bodies in the closet.
[Time passes, things happen]
Rogue: I'm gonna need a bigger closet.

Someone has... skeletons in the closet.

Oooh, I wanna steal that idea. Put some important info in the middle of the chant just to see if the PC stops reading before getting to the good part.

Wouldn't work so well for PbP, unless you manage to find a way to cut off at the EXPLOSIVE RUNES! bit.

Espella

2016-01-25, 12:25 AM

"Okay, so the Zabrak attempted to mix himself a drink and passed out. What do you do?"
"Is there hot water?"
"Um... sure."
"I make some hot chocolate."
"...Okay?"
"Wait, does the oxygen in water count as poison?"
"Probably."

"You are attempting to negotiate with the police when suddenly your prison door, along with all the others, open up as alarms sound."
"Okay yeah so that looks pretty suspicious but I swear I had nothing to do with that"

"Okay so we're busting into the Imperial's suite that we got the key card for. Wanna come?"
"Nah, I think I'll check out the pool downstairs."

goto124

2016-01-25, 02:37 AM

"You are attempting to negotiate with the police when suddenly your prison door, along with all the others, open up as alarms sound."
"Okay yeah so that looks pretty suspicious but I swear I had nothing to do with that"

Was a Bluff check required for that?

DigoDragon

2016-01-25, 08:35 AM

Wouldn't work so well for PbP, unless you manage to find a way to cut off at the EXPLOSIVE RUNES! bit.

Yeah, I am aware of that bit of an issue. Need a good local group to try this one.

Varis: I wouldn't put it past a badly formed Lv2 spell to destroy a plane.

The 'magic' that is D&D 3.5? :smallbiggrin:

Trace: “Digo y u no let me mess with Pegasus?”
DM: “Haven't you harassed that poor pegasus enough?”
Trace: “And yes I drank his drink.”

DM: “Is Trace doing passive-aggressive shipping?”

Trace: “I wave to the captain.”
DM: “His back is turned to you, but the apparition behind Spirit waves once before disappearing.”
Trace: “Nopenopenopenopenopenopenope. All aboard the nope train to screwthatville.”
Beryl: “Oh, hey. Trace made a friend. That's nice. Odd apparitions are my favorites.”
White Text: “NO NO RUN ESCAPE FLEE GET AWAY NO ESCAPE RUN DANGER TERROR HORROR RUN AHHHHHH!!!”
DM: “Right... a friend. Sure.”
White Text: “GET OUT NOW FLEE ESCAPE WHILE YOU CAN DANGER OUT ITS COMING DEATH AWAITS YOU ALL FLEE HORROR OUT!!!”
Beryl: “This looks fine, nothing to worry about.”

Crossguard: “If Death comes, he's leaving with a hoofprint in the jaw and glowing with divine light. Crossguard dun' mess around.”

goto124

2016-01-25, 09:02 AM

Yeah, I am aware of that bit of an issue. Need a good local group to try this one.

I have an idea! State the text of only one side of the note :smalltongue:

Espella

2016-01-25, 11:51 AM

Was a Bluff check required for that?

No, turns out he was more concerned about all the actual criminals breaking out of the prison, so I just casually walked out.

Bard1cKnowledge

2016-01-25, 10:52 PM

No, turns out he was more concerned about all the actual criminals breaking out of the prison, so I just casually walked out.

Uh....Digo? One of those quotes was an IRL issue and not meant for quoting. Just letting you know.

DigoDragon

2016-01-26, 08:12 AM

Crossguard: “One of the inspirations for Crossguard is the Belmont clan, mostly Richter. I wonder if I could get Beryl to make me some banana cream pies...”
Beryl: “Banana cream pie? I must have a gap in my Castlevania lore there, because I don't remember that being a favorite food of a Belmont. They're more the wall-turkey eating types. Whip wall, get freshly roasted wall-turkey.”

Trace: “Happy stuff your faces in foods that will make you sleepy day. Unless you're in Canada. In that case happy Thursday.”
DM: “Nothing like a heroic sugar coma to celebrate.”

Frostbite: “Gonna take Magic Missile. I'm already sick of missing attacks.”

Crossguard: “I'm already the squishiest Paladin in the party, but my smites are ready to launch.”

Beryl: “I mean, I'm sure Trace could come up with several nicknames, not all of them nice, but this is your chance to pick one first.”
DM: “I can totally picture Trace unrolling a scroll full of nicknames he's written down for this.”
Beryl: “It may or may not be a subtle attempt at getting Trace to change targets for a few minutes.”
Trace: (Unfolds a scroll) “Trace already has names for all of you.”

DM: “Well they all can't be full of demonic taint.”

Spirit: “When you hold overwhelming evil up to your head and use the Divine Sense, it feels like the hangover after the third Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.”

Midnight: “Apparently he was keeping that zompony as some kind of payment. I don't know who would want an undead monster as a form of currency, but I can't imagine it's someone who's up to any good.”

goto124

2016-01-26, 08:30 AM

Trace: “Happy stuff your faces in foods that will make you sleepy day. Unless you're in Canada. In that case happy Thursday.”

Er... what special day was it?

GAAD

2016-01-26, 09:36 AM

American thanksgiving.

Jokes on you! Some Canadians (like me) have a second thanksgiving dinner ANYWAY!

Cristo Meyers

2016-01-26, 10:23 AM

braveheart

2016-01-26, 12:59 PM

Player: why is one pilot corpse a skeleton, while the other clearly died of asphyxiation?
GM: he was in the hangar long enough to die of asphyxiation, not starvation.

Jedi PC: I turn on the computer
GM; as it whirs to life an acronym appears on screen
Computer: greetings I am AIDAL Artificial Intelligence Data Acquisition and Logistics
Whole Table: IT'S SKYNET KILL IT NOW!!

Inevitability

2016-01-26, 03:27 PM

DM: The barkeeper is a half-halfling steam mephit.
Rogue: I could take a moment to consider how exactly that would work, but I'm going to do my sanity a favor and pretend this is perfectly normal.

Necroticplague

2016-01-26, 03:53 PM

DM: The barkeeper is a half-halfling steam mephit.
Rogue: I could take a moment to consider how exactly that would work, but I'm going to do my sanity a favor and pretend this is perfectly normal.

[insert joke about something being 'steamy' here]

DigoDragon

2016-01-26, 04:37 PM

[insert joke about something being 'steamy' here]

[For those that don't like long-winded jokes on steam, insert the condensed version here] :smallbiggrin:

GAAD

2016-01-26, 08:58 PM

[For those that don't like long-winded jokes on steam, insert the condensed version here] :smallbiggrin:

[Reference to the Valve Christmas scandal]

Necroticplague

2016-01-27, 05:17 AM

DM: O.k, at this point, even I'm lost. Can I just get a guage as to who knows what's going on?
Gene: Hmmm...... I'm at 'stumbled upon ME!ME!ME! with no context, watched whole thing. Was faintly-'
DM: The less you finish that sentence with, the better.
Bruta: I'm here with 'figuring out what's going on with OFF'.
Shibu: 'Watched Space Odyssey, haven't read the book. '
DM:Dammit.

DigoDragon

2016-01-27, 09:08 AM

Midnight: “So what is your name, zebra? You never told any of us.”
Spirit: “You're welcome to call me anything you like. A name is just a shorthand label, after all.”
Beryl: “We do need something to call you, it's hard to shout a warning in a fight if we don't have a nickname or similar to yell. I mean, I'm sure Trace could come up with several nicknames, not all of them nice, but this is your chance to pick one first.”
Trace: “So far I have Snowball, Stubborn, Marshmallow, and I'm working on a fourth.”
Spirit: “Usually, people just shout out whatever they want; it's easy to tell. 'Hey zebra! Albino! Spirit! Snowball! You git!' or 'Freak' are fairly common.”
Crossguard: “I do believe that 'Spirit' will work just fine, friend.”

Beryl: “I also feel obligated to say this—‘Aww, look! Trace DOES care!’.”
Trace: *Blushing* “He's not doing this for you, b-baka.”

Spirit: “Trace: Tsundere. Beryl: Yandere. Crossguard: Kuudere. Frost: Dandere.”
Spirit: “Looks like dere's a full set, here.”
DM: “Still need roles for Midnight and Spirit.”
Midnight: “Midnight is clearly Deredere. I just haven't had the chance to showcase his rage yet.”
Spirit: “But Midnight and Spirit aren't on the shipping grid.”
DM: “Yet.”

Trace: “Nothing unusual happened? That in of itself IS unusual. +50 Paranoia.”

Beryl: “Ponies colliding goes *BONK*.”
DM: “I imagine that sounding like a pair of coconuts banging together.”
Trace: “Where did you get the coconuts?”
Crossguard: “Isn't it obvious? A swallow airlifted them to him.”

goto124

2016-01-27, 09:21 AM

But was it an African or European swallow?

Bard1cKnowledge

2016-01-27, 12:40 PM

But was it an African or European swallow?

Neither, it was Equestrian. But I do suppose those are non migratory.

DigoDragon

2016-01-27, 01:01 PM

Neither, it was Equestrian. But I do suppose those are non migratory.

What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

One Tin Soldier

2016-01-27, 01:27 PM

What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

They grip it by the husk!

Warlock (Me): Don't kill the captain! We need her!
Monk: I take her out with lethal damage, then look directly at you and point wordlessly to the cut she left on chest.

GAAD

2016-01-27, 01:28 PM

No, you're all mistaken. It was quite clearly carried by a chew.

Bard1cKnowledge

2016-01-27, 03:35 PM

No, you're all mistaken. It was quite clearly carried by a chew.

Was its father a sneeze?

GAAD

2016-01-27, 03:54 PM

Was its father a sneeze?

Yes. But he valiantly fell in battle in the Crusades. At least, that is what our records stated before they were swiped by Robin Hood.

GrayGriffin

2016-01-27, 04:23 PM

"Young lady, you stop your shady dealings and come home right this instant! Don't make me call your moms!"

"oh no mako don't do it we don't know how to work these things you're gonna end up like goldblum in the fly nooo"
"half man, half harpoon"

goto124

2016-01-27, 08:53 PM

There're a couple of ways to have more than one mother, and I don't know which way she went for.

RCgothic

2016-01-28, 07:48 AM

DM: You spot the Medusa about 10ft beyond the stone gnomes.
Wizard: How high is the ceiling?
DM: It's about 50ft. *suspicious* Why?
Wizard: My familiar dives right at it.
DM: All right, make a Constitution saving throw or be petrified.
Wizard: *fails miserably*
DM: Congratulations! Your owl is now petrified.
Wizard: Does she dodge?
DM: What? Oh... *Rolls reflex* Uh... No.
Wizard: How much damage does she take?
DM: Uh... 4D10...

DigoDragon

2016-01-28, 08:18 AM

"half man, half harpoon"

That is one heck of an experiment. o.o

DM: Uh... 4D10...

Pffthaha! Now THAT is awesome. Way to use the medusa's power against her!

Spirit: “What happens if we use the blood of living ponies instead ? What happens if we take the blood of the living, then kill them after?”
Frostbite: “I'm starting to think that we've already met the true villain of this campaign.”
DM: “I'd like to remind the jury that the suspect does [I]already have the blood of a living pony.”
Spirit: “Oh come now. I'm working with you! And not one, but two Paladins! There's no way I could be that bad (Completely ignoring the fact that I would've taken NE as an alignment if Digo allowed alignments south of Neutral if played praDMatically).”

Beryl: “Also, I do like that our Druid is a mad scientist. I mean that's the least expected class to be that. Like if Fluttershy had a secret underground laboratory. Which, admittedly, would be funny.”

Spirit: “...Though I'm morbidly amused by the thought of rolling with this and just having Spirit lug around a cart full of his own spare Zebra limbs. For research purposes.”

Spirit: “Druids are at least known for sending suicide squirrel bombers and have the capability to be terrorists.”
Frostbite: “Known? What druids have you been hanging out with? ...It suddenly occurs to me why you have Xykon as your avatar.”

Spirit: “I don't want Crossguard dead. Spirit has plans for her...”
Crossguard: “I swear to Solaria. If you do anything horrid to her by the end of the game, you will be eating Paladin Smite spells in 9th level spell slots.”
DM: “I dunno what part brings me more joy; the idea of finding a way to Paladin Smite high-level slots like that or that Crossguard used an in-universe swear. I'm rather proud of this post.”

Spirit: “Ooh, fun thought. If Beryl and Crossguard prepared Thunderous Smite, our Cleric always has Thunderwave prepared, Spirit can easily swap into preparing it, Frost could learn it... And then we can send Trace in, and he can...”
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Spirit: “Call down the Thunder.”

Crossguard: “THE HORROR, THE DELICIOUS, CHOCOLATY HORROR!”

goto124

2016-01-28, 08:35 AM

DM: Congratulations! Your owl is now petrified.
Wizard: Does she dodge?
DM: What? Oh... *Rolls reflex* Uh... No.
Wizard: How much damage does she take?
DM: Uh... 4D10...

Gravity is a harsh mistress indeed.

Spirit: “What happens if we use the blood of living ponies instead [in the potion]? What happens if we take the blood of the living, then kill them after?”

Blood donation is a thing! No pony dies and everyone's happy!

Crossguard: “THE HORROR, THE DELICIOUS, CHOCOLATY HORROR!”

I wonder what happened...

Cristo Meyers

2016-01-28, 10:00 AM

I wonder what happened...

I'm imagining an Attack of the Killer Tomatoes-style horde of killer chocolate bunnies.

DigoDragon

2016-01-28, 10:09 AM

Blood donation is a thing! No pony dies and everyone's happy!

I believe Spirit proposed something along those lines, so that he could test the samples for some form of lycanthropy.

I wonder what happened...

I'm imagining an Attack of the Killer Tomatoes-style horde of killer chocolate bunnies.

I don't remember what occurred. Given it's Crossguard, might of had something to do with cookies?

ZeroGear

2016-01-28, 02:39 PM

DM: "No, you can't have Discord as your patron deity."
P1: "How about..."
DM: "You can't have Sombra either."
P1: "Maybe..."
DM: "Chrysalis is also out."
P1: "What about..."
DM: "As is Tyrek."
P1: "Then maybe..."
DM: "And Nightmare Moon."
P1: "Can I at least..."
DM: "Yes, if you really want to, you can worship Trixie."
P2: "But she's not a deity-level creature!"
DM: "Unless you count the size of her ego. Plus, you're worshipping Pinkie Pie."
P2: "...good point."

Taet

2016-01-28, 04:07 PM

P1: Then the little grieving robot spider charges at you with its little buzz saw out, crying "DADDY!" :smallannoyed:
P5: I heard a few things about you and that robot-spider-chick, but..."Daddy"? :smallconfused:
P1: Yes. "Daddy". :smallcool:
P5: :smallyuk:

P2: This is the game which doesn't end
It just goes on and on my friend...

P1: Then that robot spider moves--
P5: But these ones aren't calling you 'daddy', right? To them you're just that weird uncle who visits every once in awhile.
P1: Yes. :smallsmile:
P5: *head down on tabletop, sobbing* :smallsigh:

P10: And after shooting your guy in the other kneecap, he lights a cigarette off of the hot gun barrel, and takes a drag. :smallcool:

Yuki Akuma

2016-01-28, 10:09 PM

Wizard: The boy. How strong does he look? I'm not the strongest guy myself, but does it look like I can beat him in a grapple?
DM: He's approximately seven.
Wizard: Okay. So I grapple the boy. Just grab him and wrestle him to the floor, armbar, hand under his chin to keep him from being able to say anything...

*Next Round*

Wizard: How tall did you say the tower was?
DM: About, say, seventy, eighty feet.
Wizard: I throw the boy out the window.

Necroticplague

2016-01-28, 10:14 PM

DM:So, what have we learned about just drinking things you find lying around in ancient ruins?
Gene: Not all potions with pictures of cows on them are potions of bull strength, not all collections of magic items are armories.
Bruta: And most importantly, let the wizard finish identifying stuff, or else you'll end up having a hard time fitting into your armor.

Beacon of Chaos

2016-01-29, 04:03 AM

Beryl: “Also, I do like that our Druid is a mad scientist. I mean that's the least expected class to be that. Like if Fluttershy had a secret underground laboratory. Which, admittedly, would be funny.”
http://i.imgur.com/DrSYq.png "Stay out of my shed."

DigoDragon

2016-01-29, 12:20 PM

DM: "Yes, if you really want to, you can worship Trixie."
P2: "But she's not a deity-level creature!"
DM: "Unless you count the size of her ego. Plus, you're worshipping Pinkie Pie."

If my old local group were still here, they'd all point at me right now accusingly. :smallbiggrin:

P5: *head down on tabletop, sobbing* :smallsigh:

It's okay, P5. I know the pain. *pat pat*

Wizard: I throw the boy out the window.

But... did he... just... yikes! O.o`

Bruta: And most importantly, let the wizard finish identifying stuff, or else you'll end up having a hard time fitting into your armor.

I have done this to my players before. XD

http://i.imgur.com/DrSYq.png "Stay out of my shed."

Nope, not going in the shed.

Spirit: “Do be careful with him. His alchemical weapon is becoming unstable; until I defuse it, it's liable to explode if shaken or thunked too hard.”
Frostbite: “Wait........ what?”
Spirit: “I feel something... strange. Like a chorus of chitters and clicks and growls in my head. Like I should have chitin or scales right now. I don't think this is from the captain's attack, but... do the rest of you feel off?”
Frostbite: “......... What?”

Beryl: *blink* *blink* “...did Spirit just turn into a spider, or am I getting crazy?”
Frostbite: “Eugh. Yes he did.... Is that normal for zebras? I've never met one before.”

Spirit: “On the other hand, do you think ponies would react better to giant snakes?”

Beryl: “Also your horn is on. Is that on purpose? Ponies are staring.”
Crossguard: “That's what I thought. Apparently, I've been given glow-in-the-dark powers.”

Spirit: “There's an archmage I've heard of, living in the North, named Sombra. He's quite skilled in trap-laying magic. Perhaps once this is done, we should ask him about securing the Crystal Heart from intruders.”
DM: “Guess y'all don't need me anymore.”
Spirit: “Sure we do! Who else could tell us exactly how badly these things backfire?”
Midnight: “Just let me know when you're done planning the defense of an entire feathering nation over there. I'm going to get some breakfast hay.”
Crossguard: “T'would make more sense to train an army to defend it. Traps can be dismantled, subverted.”
Sombra: “Nonsense! These traps are so good, it would take a mighty dragon to overcome!”
Beryl: “Please don't doom my homeland ahead of schedule, thanks!”
Midnight: “We reach level two and suddenly you guys have your sights set on inadvertently causing the disappearance of an entire civilization. A bit rushed, isn't it? That's, like, at least level 5 material.”

goto124

2016-01-29, 10:30 PM

*goes off to check the existence of giant spiders in MLP-verse*

Fable Wright

2016-01-30, 02:39 AM

*goes off to check the existence of giant spiders in MLP-verse*

There are a lovely bunch of spiders in the MLP verse. There is, of course, the wonderful Giant Spider Gang (http://www.previewsworld.com/catalogimages/STK_IMAGES/STK520001-540000/STK523722.jpg) from the comics, the ever adorable Star Spiders (https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/11/27/483586__safe_solo_animated_spike_hub+logo_scared_h ubble_castle+mane-dash-ia_spoiler-colon-s04e03_spider.gif) from canon, your dashing general terrestrial spiders (https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/3/15/575891__safe_fluttershy_animated_screencap_upvotes +galore_smiling_cute_hub+logo_drool_maud+pie.gif), and of course your animated toy spiders (https://derpicdn.net/img/2014/10/26/751300/large.png).

Spiders are fun!

Necroticplague

2016-01-30, 04:22 PM

Gene: I swear, the next person to joke about breastplates is going through the door first. At high velocity.
*one horrible pun involving dairy cattle and armor later*
Bruta (now with the darts from the trap sticking out of her): Worth it.

PoeticDwarf

2016-01-31, 02:06 PM

Elf: what is that little turtle doing around the spellbooks, you may go with me , I think I will call you turty *puts the turtle in his bag*
Wizard: Did that elf just stole my familiar? Wait, what does my familiar see
Me: A spellbook, a...
Wizard: he opens it, what spells do I see *laughes*

(Later)

Wizard: A new spell in my spellbook, my turtle back, time to steal everything out off the house of the elf
Me: which spells did I say were in the spellbook *laughes*
Wizard: Well, alarm, rope tr. Wait. No.

Bard OOC: I do that job, I have higher charismatic skills
Rogue: I don't think so
Bard: I have +10 deception
Rogue: Me too
Bard: +7 intimidation
Rogue: Me too
Bard: +7 persuasion
Rogue: Same
Bard: +4 intimidation
Rogue: Again same, but you have a higher cha save
Bard: I started with a level rogue...

Rogue: *succeeds on save thunderclap* Is that a spell? I've heard worse noises when Fin went to the toilet.

*wizard lies to rogue*
Wizard: wow, a 4 on my deception check and I have -3.
Rogue: Well, I rolled a 3 on insight and -3

Rogue: I am NOT going to carry your by stone surrounded lizard