Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition IV: Just what Doc Ordered [Archive] - Page 3

DigoDragon

2016-02-01, 08:53 AM

cooked and arranged them fancily on a plate, and then disappeared into thin air."

Well now I'm hungry. :smalltongue:

Wizard: he opens it, what spells do I see *laughes*

Familiars are great spies.

*one horrible pun involving dairy cattle and armor later*

Curious to know what the pun was. :3

DM: “When Midnight reaches the bar to order his breakfast, Rita slides over a biscuit to him.”
Rita: “I ordered too many.”
Spirit: “Does this mean the IC shipping can begin now?”

Spirit: “...Hm. Rolling Insight to judge the motives behind Rita's sudden move.”
DM: “NPC offers a biscuit cause she doesn't want it wasted, Party immediately goes to Paranoia Defcon 2. Love it.”
Spirit: So Spirit does get the impression that [Rita] just didn't want it going to waste and is not acting upon an attraction to Midnight?”
Midnight: “Geez, her boyfriend was literally just eaten by a giant crocodile a couple days before. Give the body time to cool!”
Spirit: *Slowly puts back down the shipping grid*

Spirit: “She's had a couple of days to mourn, and now she needs hugs. And maybe something more than hugs. Go make small-talk!”
Midnight: (Inner monologue) “Yeah, talk about religion. That's a great small talk conversation.”
Trace: “Say her eyes are like an ocean, then follow it with ‘your flank is also an ocean’.”

Crossguard: “I just realized something: Two persons, each with a fancy sense, looking for something, and have access to explosive powers. Are we paladins or Ghostbusters?”
Beryl: “My bonus 1d8 to undead on Smite says yes. Yes we are.”

Beryl: “I am a Paladinja! Somehow that sounds tasty.”

Trace: “How to appear legit while rifling through the wares of his cart? Hmmmmmm… No I'm not stealing anything off the cart (yet).”

Spirit: “And before anyone asks, yes, an alligator is a fantastic lab assistant.”

Beryl: “Uh, Cross? Can evil just... get up and leave?”

goto124

2016-02-01, 09:49 AM

DM: “NPC offers a biscuit cause she doesn't want it wasted, Party immediately goes to Paranoia Defcon 2. Love it.”

But they're adventurers! They're always on Paranoia Defcon 2.

DigoDragon

2016-02-01, 10:16 AM

But they're adventurers! They're always on Paranoia Defcon 2.

Oh no, Goto is getting wise to my DMing secrets! :smallbiggrin: (And would be pretty much spot on with that statement)

Fable Wright

2016-02-01, 10:19 AM

But they're adventurers! They're always on Paranoia Defcon 2.

Actually, no. When things are going horribly wrong, we're sitting at a comfortable Defcon 5. When things are going vaguely according to plan with severe effort, we're sitting at Defcon 4. When things are going as planned with only minor hiccups, it's up to Defcon 3. Defcon 2 is reserved for when things are going perfectly or when shipping is involved. Defcon 1 occurs only when we won, completely and utterly, far, far too easily. And at weddings.

goto124

2016-02-01, 10:25 AM

Wait... Amount of paranoia is greater with lower numbers? Not higher numbers?

Fable Wright

2016-02-01, 10:31 AM

Wait... Amount of paranoia is greater with lower numbers? Not higher numbers?

Defcon 1 is imminent nuclear war/armageddon. Defcon 2 is the highest the US has ever achieved at times like the Cuban Missile Crisis. Defcon 3 occurred during 9/11. Defcon 5 is situation normal.

DigoDragon

2016-02-01, 10:33 AM

Wait... Amount of paranoia is greater with lower numbers? Not higher numbers?

Right, as it's based on the US DEFCON (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DEFCON) system. The lower the number, the worse the situation. and PCs can get really paranoid when things are going too smoothly according to their plan. :3

Necroticplague

2016-02-01, 10:39 AM

Right, as it's based on the US DEFCON (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DEFCON) system. The lower the number, the worse the situation. and PCs can get really paranoid when things are going too smoothly according to their plan. :3

"Better things be going wrong in ways I'm aware of, then about go wrong in ways I'm ignorant of."

GrayGriffin

2016-02-01, 09:31 PM

"Phoenix has arrived in the same universe but at a later time period, and the shrimp inhabitant are telling horror stories of the beast with the harpoon who slaughtered many, cooked and arranged them fancily on a plate, and then disappeared into thin air."

"It's like the book version of I Am Legend... but with shrimp."

Necroticplague

2016-02-01, 09:56 PM

Curious to know what the pun was. :3

"I'm not sure any such joke would be appropriate. Given your new figure, it's less a Breastplate and a bit closer to an Udderplate now.Moo."

Technically not exactly exactly what she warned against, but close enough in spirit that she got the door anyway.

Diachronos

2016-02-02, 05:27 AM

"Rich, this character is like Tisp. Only timid instead of a psychopath with all the chips on her shoulder. Tisp has pauldrons made of Doritos."

goto124

2016-02-02, 05:52 AM

What flavor of Doritos is that? I want to eat her pauldrons.

ZeroGear

2016-02-02, 07:42 AM

I bet they're great during crunch time.

DigoDragon

2016-02-02, 07:48 AM

"I'm not sure any such joke would be appropriate. Given your new figure, it's less a Breastplate and a bit closer to an Udderplate now.Moo."

Technically not exactly exactly what she warned against, but close enough in spirit that she got the door anyway.

Nice one. :smallamused:

I bet they're great during crunch time.

Oooh, where's that plane of ranch dressing? :3

Bramley: “Oh, howdy there! Name's Bramley. I'm selling my apples and apple accessories. I got apple cider and apple fritters and apple cookies and apple butter and apple jelly and... um, apples. Yeah.”

Spirit: “It's that time when you cut up something dead to find out what's inside it.”
Frostbite: “Gross.”

Beryl: “Hmm, so how DO you tie a crocodile to the back of a zebra?”
Spirit: “Follow the example of the riding saddle, and secure the gator with straps secured to each leg?”
DM: “Dang, Google did not help with this question. Like, at all.”

Spirit: “It would be kinda awkward for the first one in town to be a full-on horse with a dead, stiff crocodile on its back and a live alligator trailing behind him.”

Crossguard: “BACK IN MAH DAY, WE DIN'T HAVE NO FANCY MULTICLASSING RULES! IF'N YOU WANTED TO BE A PALADIN/SORCERER, YOU NEEDED TO HAVE A COHORT TO DO YOUR SORCERER-ING WHILE YOU DID THE PALADIN-ING! AND IF YOU WANTED TO PLAY A PONY, YOU HAD TO BE A FIGHTER AND A ROGUE AND A DRUID! AND THAT'S NOT EVEN INCLUDING BEING A FANCY ALIGNMENT! AND WE TRAVELED TO THE TOMB OF HORRORS UPHILL, BOTH WAYS, THROUGH WAIST DEEP UNDEAD AND NECROTIC SNOW! AND WE LIKED IT!”

Spirit: “Spirit's going to be trying to get his alligator to Aid Other his rolls with the crucial information of the toxins that might already be in the system.”
Frostbite: “I'm not entirely sure that a crocodile is going to have the medical knowledge to help you.”

DM: “I have mixed up my players. I must atone for this.” *Seppuku with a d20*
Frostbite: “Are you trying to commit seppuku using a d20, or just rolling to see if you should? In either case, what's the DC for that?”
DM: “Using the die, and the DC is 20.”
Rolls: *Nat 20*
DM: :smallcool:

DM: “Arachnea took levels in Dreamwalker and now controls the cult. Soon Trace will be hers again.”
Beryl: “But I thought Beryl was the mare of Trace's dreams. Or did he dream of somepony else?”
Trace: “Nope nope nope nuuuuuuuupe. This is why he broke it off, well that and the spiders. But mostly the clingy part.”
Beryl: “And yes, I know how horribly shippy that sounds... but I'm not rephrasing that.”

goto124

2016-02-02, 10:02 AM

DM: “Dang, Google did not help with this question. Like, at all.”

Step 1 of finding the answer to anything: Google it.

Source: myself :smallbiggrin:

DM: “I have mixed up my players. I must atone for this.” *Seppuku with a d20*

You guys should become comedians and make millions!

Khaiel

2016-02-02, 01:23 PM

Anima Beyond Fantasy game. Character creation. One of my first games in the system.

P1: So... A mute Summoner and a blind Martial Artist, huh?
P2: Can't wait to see what P3 made as a character...
P3: Hey guys, sorry I'm late. I got my character sheet done, though.
GM: Please tell me it's not a deaf assassin or something...
P3: How do you know?

Anima Beyond Fantasy, different game. This time I'm the GM.

P1: Booooring. I throw a marmot at him.
GM: You do what?
P1: I create a marmot using Natural Magic and then throw it at him. It will be a homosexual male marmot named Lucrecia.
P2: That's at least two turns stunned thinking "She f*cking threw a marmot at my face!"
GM: She f*cking threw a GAY marmot at his face! I AM stunned for two turns!

GM: Please somebody explain me why there are more marmots than party members.

GM: Ok, you are trapped with the god of chaos in a room. What are you going to do?
P1: I'm going to...
GM: Please don't say throw a marmot at him...
P1: ... throw ALL the marmots at him.

Another different Anima game, me as the GM, this time playing with American players

P1: Ok, my character's name is Alberto Rodrigo de la Fuente del Castillo Vazquez Sanchez... *Goes on for a while*
GM: I take offense to that...
P2: Mine is called Cayetana Maria de las Mercedes Rodriguez.
GM: The worst part is, I knew this was going to happen the second I told you I was Spanish...
P3: *Starts to write a different name on his character sheet*

P2: Good news is, we are still alive.
P3: Bad news is, we basicly have undead GladOS as our zeppelin's AI now.
P1: Well, what's the worst that could happen?

NPC Knight: So you are telling me... That your friend just... Got the Empress pregnant.
P1: And I married her in secret, let's not forget about that.
P2: And then became the head of a state and swore fealty to her so he could marry her in a public ceremony.
P3: *Taking the Knight to speak in private* And now you understand the kind of **** I must go through everyday.

GM: Well... Your lover's paternal figure is a guy who kills gods for a living. What could possibly go wrong?

P1: I am sorry. We'll get out of your hair now.
GM: You do know he is bald, right?
P1: F*ck...
GM: And that he doubles your level, right?
P2: F*ck...
P3: And suddenly, everyone understands how I feel on a daily basis...

Inevitability

2016-02-02, 03:20 PM

Player: Summoning sounds neat. Can I specialize in that?
Me: You can, except we're starting at level 2. That means you'll be summoning diabolic rats most of the time.
Player: Actually, I'm going to be Chaotic Good.
Me: Oh, in that case you get to pick between heavenly badgers, holy monkeys, sacred beetles, and blessed porpoises. First one is for fighting, other ones for trap-triggering.

DigoDragon

2016-02-03, 08:08 AM

Step 1 of finding the answer to anything: Google it.
Source: myself :smallbiggrin:

My brother and I have a running gag where if you can't find it with Google, then the Illuminati is behind it.

P1: ... throw ALL the marmots at him.

Someone seems to have a preferred weapon. :smalltongue:

First one is for fighting, other ones for trap-triggering.

Sadly how all summoned creatures get categorized.

Beryl: “[My] comment is not to be taken as monster suggestions to the DM. Even though it might be. And a Craga-Spider would be an interesting encounter. I should stop typing now.”
Crossguard: “Seriously. Silence is golden, Beryl.”

Beryl: “Good morning, Trace. No trouble on your watch, I hope? Mine had owls.”
Crossguard: “I saw a pony of some kind walking along the path with a bag, though I could barely make out that it was pale green in color, and might have been a unicorn.”
Frostbite: “I... thought I saw something in the fog. A face, maybe? I wouldn't normally mention it, but Trace did talk about seeing a ghost.”
Rita: “Were you all drinking moonshine or something last night?”

Trace: “And with a yip yip [Trace] takes his cloud and flies it down the road.”
Spirit: “Appa is best cloud.”

Rita: “Well, it's the same as most festivals I think. Like, an excuse to get drunk and have a lot of fun.”

Midnight: “Are... Midnight and Rita setting up a date?”
Spirit: “Nope. Rita's booked the date, Midnight is just now finding out he's been shanghai'd into it. She moves fast.”
DM: “It's like Amazon.com around here; free 2-day shipping on all orders no matter how trivial.”

Beryl: “1. Name the campaign after a gothic horror themed video game series.
2. Tell the players they see nothing unusual. At all.
3. Watch as they consume each other with paranoia.”

Trace: “That's the point of Trace, if at least one pony is not mildly annoyed then he failed as a person.”
DM: “Person? But... he's a bat pony?”
Spirit: “Batponies are people too. Next you'll be saying that Zebras aren't people.”
Crossguard: “All right, you two, play nice. Or do I have to get all foo'-pityin' up in this thread?”

Necroticplague

2016-02-03, 08:58 AM

goto124

2016-02-03, 09:13 AM

Midnight: “Are... Midnight and Rita setting up a date?”
Spirit: “Nope. Rita's booked the date, Midnight is just now finding out he's been shanghai'd into it. She moves fast.”
DM: “It's like Amazon.com around here; free 2-day shipping on all orders no matter how trivial.”

Is it a pun? Please tell me it's a pun!

DigoDragon

2016-02-03, 09:14 AM

Is it a pun? Please tell me it's a pun!

It is always a pun. ;)

Fable Wright

2016-02-03, 09:23 AM

DM: the door is labelled "darktentacle and rust monster holding cells. Warning: currently infested with textile-eating locusts".
Gene: All in favor of nailing this door shut and never, ever going in there?
Bruta+Shibu: I.

If I were a BBEG, this is where I would store my treasure. Not sure if the sign would also accurately describe the guards, or if I'd relocate those creatures to the room labeled 'treasury' instead.

PoeticDwarf

2016-02-03, 11:10 AM

Me: so if I give you my masterwork composite longbow, then I get ?
Sorcerer's player: A sling !
Me: right...

Khaiel

2016-02-03, 12:11 PM

This happened on a relatively recent Forgotten Realms D&D 3.5 game I was GMing set in Athkatla at around the same time as BG 2. The party is composed of a Human Fighter, a male Drow Wizard (becomes important), a Dwarf Cleric and a Halfling Rogue

GM: You have finally arrived at the Copper Coronet.
Human Fighter gets to the bartender and says
Human Fighter: Hey, we want rooms, we have to do some things in the city and we will be staying for a few days... Perhaps you know our employer... Her name is Bodhi.
GM: Everyone inside the Copper Coronet turns at you, and the bartender drops a glass.

Dwarf Cleric: Hey, are the shouts and moans coming from the drow's room male or female?
Drow Wizard: Yes.

Drow Wizard: I cast a Web spell at the fleeing assassin.
GM: Are you sure? *wink wink*
Drow Wizard: Yes.
GM: Are you completely sure that you are sure? *wink wink*
Drow Wizard: Yes!
GM: You cast the spell... You also see four Cowled Wizards materialize in front of you.
Dwarf Cleric: We shouldn't let him cast spells after a sleepless night...

IZ42

2016-02-03, 01:44 PM

From a PbP

Kadic: "Lobelia I swear to all that is holy and unholy that if you so much as touch anything you shouldn't I will find creatively painful things to do to you with your own digestive tract, do you understand?"
Lobelia: "You know, Kadic. When I was a thirteen I drank an entire vile of black lotus extract and had to get my stomach pumped. I'm not sure there is anything worse for your digestive tract than that."
Sonia: *looks concerned*

Lord Torath

2016-02-03, 02:22 PM

DM: the door is labelled "darktentacle and rust monster holding cells. Warning: currently infested with textile-eating locusts".
Gene: All in favor of nailing this door shut and never, ever going in there?
Bruta+Shibu: Aye.This is exactly the kind of situation Clairvoyance was made for. If it really is the entrance to the monster holding cells, it's very unlikely to be warded against scrying, so you'll be able to see said monsters (and locusts). If, on the other hand, it's really the treasury, you could probably expect some protective wardings to be in place.

Your ranger can check for monster prints at the doorway, as well.

From a PbP

Kadic: "Lobelia I swear to all that is holy and unholy that if you so much as touch anything you shouldn't I will find creatively painful things to do to you with your own digestive tract, do you understand?"
Lobelia: "You know, Kadic. When I was a thirteen I drank an entire vile of black lotus extract and had to get my stomach pumped. I'm not sure there is anything worse for your digestive tract than that."
Sonia: *looks concerned*Does Panel 12 (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0781.html) count?

Khaiel

2016-02-03, 07:21 PM

Cleric: Gooses for the Goose God! Feathers for Feather Throne!
GM: And we haven't even starting playing... This must be a new record.

GM: A TPK after fifteen minutes of playing...
Ranger: We call it a speed run.

GM: In the grim darkness of the future, there is only...
All the players: Goose!
P1: For the Goose-Emperor of Mankind!
P2, P3 & P4: All hail the Goose-Emperor of Mankind!
GM: And I shouldn't be surprised.

DigoDragon

2016-02-04, 07:53 AM

If I were a BBEG, this is where I would store my treasure.

I once put treasure in a room marked "Hamdingers". My players were very disappointed that they didn't find an escape pod.

GM: Are you completely sure that you are sure? *wink wink*

I refrain from doing this because it just gives my players an excuse to set the story plot on fire. :smalltongue:

DM: “I can hold off on our first dungeon crawl until we get back from our candy cane comas.”
Crossguard: “Puh-leeze, I have Egg Nog and Funyuns.”
DM: “That's... a new combination to me.”
Crossguard: “Not at the same time, though.”
DM: “Oh. Well that's slightly less exotic.”

Trace: “Idmf I had to pick a sing for Trace....Blue's Theme.”
Frostbite: “Still wondering what idmf means.”
Trace: “...it means that my phone’s auto correct needs a quick reboot in the motherboard.”

Trace: “Trace flies over the gate, sure he could have walked through it, but where's the fun?”
DM: “You’re going to give somepony an aneurism before the end of the year.”

Trace: “Knights... Right then, Snowball, Frosty, and...... I don't have a nickname for you yet, I need backup for something.”
Midnight: “... What, who, me? Can't it wait until our purses are a bit heavier?”
Trace: “I just realized I have no idea what you do, besides the sleeping upside-down thing you're kinda... bland. I'm going to call you Vanilla.”
Midnight: “Gee, thanks. I love getting my personality evaluated by some pony I barely know.”

Trace: “Alright, some ground rules: One, no staring, some ponies here might get offended. Two, never order the special in a place like this. And lastly, don't use your real name. If someone knows that and what you look like then they could take advantage of you. Oh yeah, no magic. This includes shape shifting. Any questions?”
Spirit: “Two, actually. What are we doing, and why should I in particular stick around?”

Beryl: “Well, I don't think we have enough shipping yet for a RomCom, but SitCom is within reach.”

goto124

2016-02-04, 08:51 AM

Dwarf Cleric: Hey, are the shouts and moans coming from the drow's room male or female?
Drow Wizard: Yes.

Not so different from the surface elves then :smallbiggrin:

Trace: “I just realized I have no idea what you do, besides the sleeping upside-down thing you're kinda... bland. I'm going to call you Vanilla.”

I recommend Batpony.

Necroticplague

2016-02-04, 09:04 AM

Bruta: Why do you keep those guy around? They keep trying to kill you at pretty much every time someone else isn't trying to.
Gene: They're my pupils.
Bruta: Couldn't you find less murderous pupils?

goto124

2016-02-04, 09:37 AM

Here's a set of tabletop gaming incidents, made into comics. (https://imgur.com/gallery/ADyFf)

Taet

2016-02-04, 11:21 AM

P1: I'm [P10's character]--
...:smallsigh:
P10: You wish. :smallcool:

Bard1cKnowledge

2016-02-04, 11:51 AM

Not so different from the surface elves then :smallbiggrin:

I recommend Batpony.

But Trace is also a Batpony, so the name would have less impact. Hi I'm Trace('s Player) I started the nicknames for two reasons, in case he gets captured by a bunch of magically powered warlords who want to capture the group but don't know the names, and because its fun

One Tin Soldier

2016-02-04, 12:30 PM

But Trace is also a Batpony, so the name would have less impact. Hi I'm Trace('s Player) I started the nicknames for two reasons, in case he gets captured by a bunch of magically powered warlords who want to capture the group but don't know the names, and because its fun

Also because it turns out that I'm not very good at roleplaying "full of simmering anger" through text. :smalltongue:

EDIT: Why he's named Vanilla, that is, not the nicknames in general.

DigoDragon

2016-02-04, 01:24 PM

Here's a set of tabletop gaming incidents, made into comics. (https://imgur.com/gallery/ADyFf)

I swear that first one with the tree druid is so much like my old local D&D group.

EDIT: Why he's named Vanilla, that is, not the nicknames in general.

My daughter loves vanilla. Plus, it's the perfect base in any sundae. Much like a party cleric.

Fable Wright

2016-02-04, 01:30 PM

Also because it turns out that I'm not very good at roleplaying "full of simmering anger" through text. :smalltongue:

I'll admit, it becomes much easier to portray rage when you have the capacity to turn into a bear. If you're going for low key constant anger, though, indicating body language or breathing does a lot. Does he take his victory over zombies with a predatory breath and narrowed eyes at the survivor? Does he bang the table a bit too loudly when he orders drinks or puts his down after finishing? Eat too quickly and look hungrily at others' good? Show aggression in small ways if you want to be angry in a way simple outbursts can't portray.

Anonymouswizard

2016-02-04, 02:55 PM

'Have condoms been invented yet?'
'I'm not putting a human inside me, what makes you think I'm putting a pig inside me?'

'Is there a fangirl there?'
'Yeah, he probably has fandwarfs?'
'Is my character into dwarves?' *rolls die* 'probably.'

DigoDragon

2016-02-04, 03:03 PM

I'll admit, it becomes much easier to portray rage when you have the capacity to turn into a bear. If you're going for low key constant anger, though, indicating body language or breathing does a lot. Does he take his victory over zombies with a predatory breath and narrowed eyes at the survivor? Does he Bang the table a bit too loudly when he orders drinks or puts his down after finishing? Eat too quickly and look hungrily at others' good? Show aggression in small ways if you want to be angry in a way simple outbursts can't portray.

Rummage through other people's trash cans at 4am?

Fable Wright

2016-02-04, 04:28 PM

Rummage through other people's trash cans at 4am?

At four in the morning, he should be setting the neighbors' trash cans on fire to get the small comfort of burning, hateful light he had at home. Alternatively, he could transmute them into sentient horrors, chant in his bloodstone circles until they begin to run properly, or other such minor displays of religious faith. Attempting to summon the Street Cleaners to clear the trash is permissible, but really rather cruel to do to an unsuspecting town who have not been briefed on survival strategies. Remember, 4am is a magical time. Magic does not exist. Four in the morning does not exist. Therefore, do things that cannot be done at 4 in the morning, before the early birds begin their gruesome morning harvest at 5.

DigoDragon

2016-02-04, 05:41 PM

See, this is exactly why we can't have nice things in my neighborhood.

All the freakin' necromancer bears.

Lord Raziere

2016-02-05, 05:40 PM

Android 23: "....Ok, this is getting us nowhere, what did they all have in common?"
Android 22: "They all hated some strange species called "kender". I think they're supposed to be enemy they are all fighting."

Android 23: "And that the most hated villain is this guy named Elminster, who I am assuming is the leader of the kender but is otherwise unimportant."

Android 22: "and that the most powerful character option are wizards who control bats!"

Android 23:"oh and that its most beloved character is a black-skinned elf with two swords, so adored that everyone plays a version of him at least once."

Android 23: "and that its all based off of World of Warcraft, but with less levels."

bulbaquil

2016-02-05, 07:10 PM

Rater202

2016-02-05, 07:22 PM

Inevitability

2016-02-06, 05:36 AM

Player: I've decided to play something with a Vow of Poverty.
Me: Sounds interesting.
Player: Quick question: can I still possess real estate?
Me: ...
Player: Oh, and how about weed?
Me: ...
Player: And what's the Vow's opinion on slavery?
Me: You don't really get 'poverty'; do you?

DigoDragon

2016-02-06, 10:11 AM

DM: “I try to make it a point not to secretly encourage the party to split up. That's like I might as well ask you to purposely fail a Perception check.”

Spirit: “Fun fact: Detect Poison and Disease is one of the most useful social spells in a place like this. You learn a lot about a person based on the number of poisoned knives on his person, the venereal diseases he's carrying, and the amount of booze and other poisons they've still got lingering in their system.”
Trace: “Also from the contents of their trash, Digo knows.”
DM: “My bedroom trashcan is filled with shredded receipts and pony sketches.”

Beryl: “Behold the power of technicalities.”

Beryl: “It suddenly occurs to me how much space 276 gold coins would take.”
DM: “Hence the concept of letters of credit. Maybe you could persuade the accountant to give you an empty sack? Just a thought.”
Beryl: “Now you're just being sensible.”

Trace: “So I went back to my nuzlocke twitter, so far only lost one pokemon my main flyer sadly.”
Frostbite: “I misread this as ‘so far only lost one pokemon my mind flayer sadly’ which conjures up some strange images.”

Spirit: “...You have no idea how tempting it is to try and remove or bypass the geas and turn Ace into a helpful necromancer sidekick.”
DM: *Twirls mustache* “I think I do, my friend. I think I do.”

Dame Epee: “Assuming you're not here to sell me something, what can I do for you?”
Beryl: “The Lucasarts adventure gamer in me so wants to reply ‘We're selling these fine leather jackets’ to that question.”
Trace: “I call dibs on that line!”

DM: “If this rolls a 4, I laugh.”
d4: *Rolls a 4*
Frostbite: “Uh oh.”
DM: “I almost spat coffee through my nose at that result.”

Midnight: “Thunderwave is such a great crowd control spell. For that matter, Fog Cloud wouldn't be bad for getting out of a bar fight. Or even better, giving our batpony rogue some cover during the fight.”
DM: “I'll say from personal experience that 'Fireball' is not crowd control in this instance… well, not if everything you love is flammable.”

Spirit: “Ace, really. Graveyards are a terrible place for a necromancer. All the bodies are six feet out of reach.”

ddude987

2016-02-06, 07:31 PM

Player 1 yelling: "if the woods could heeaarr uuss!"
Player 2 yelling: "yeah! If the woods had a gendeerr!"

goto124

2016-02-07, 02:16 AM

DM: “If this rolls a 4, I laugh.”
d4: *Rolls a 4*
Frostbite: “Uh oh.”

And... what happened after that?

Fable Wright

2016-02-07, 02:31 AM

And... what happened after that?

Spirit left the dive bar he went to with Trace, Midnight, and Frostbite, thinking it was a waste of time. After a while, he decided to get drinks with a friendly NPC. The DM decided to randomly roll for the NPC's preferences, and... Spirit winds up back in the same dive bar with his new friend, sitting awkwardly across the aisle from the party members he ditched. Awkward...

goto124

2016-02-07, 02:57 AM

*does not understand dive bars and aisles*

One Tin Soldier

2016-02-07, 04:28 AM

*does not understand dive bars and aisles*

A dive bar is a bar with a bad reputation. (Or at least a rough one). An aisle is... um... it's probably fastest just to grab the dictionary.

Aisle: a passage between rows of seats in a building such as a church or theater, an airplane, or a train.

Inevitability

2016-02-07, 06:55 AM

Player: It's strange that clerics get as many spells as wizards. They should obviously be weaker; they're clerics!
Me: Hey, don't be classist.

Me: I mean; how do you keep a party together?
Player: With chains.

Rater202

2016-02-07, 11:23 AM

*does not understand dive bars and aisles*

A dive bar is the kind of bar that has food and a fun atmosphere, like a night club or a bar and grill, but most people go to it because they and there friends want to get drunk and/or pick up *preferred gender*.

DigoDragon

2016-02-07, 12:03 PM

Player 1 yelling: "if the woods could heeaarr uuss!"
Player 2 yelling: "yeah! If the woods had a gendeerr!"

This could have musical number potential. XD

Me: I mean; how do you keep a party together?
Player: With chains.

I tried that once. It actually worked. O.o

Ace: “Well, it started when I accidentally killed the headmaster's pet dog. See, I was shooting magic missiles off into the darkness…”
Frostbite: “I saw what you did there.”
DM: “I'm so glad it didn't go unnoticed. I kill you last.”

Ace: “The headmaster librarian seems to... have this way of walking out of shadows. I think it's a kind of Dementia Door spell?”

Beryl: “I am not entirely comfortable with Ace and Xykon sharing a basic origin story.”
Spirit: “I don't see anything wrong with it. What could possibly go wrong?”

Beryl: “Remind me again why we let Trace keep that coin?”
Spirit: “Something something canary something coal mine.”

Trace: “Koldstone? Really? Is this a place or pony? ...probably pony.”
Spirit: “Given that Ace referenced catacombs in Koldstone, I'd imagine it would have to be a really, really big pony. With huge... tracts of land.”

Spirit: “It's an easy mistake to make; we all want to be Beryl.”

Beryl: “While Beryl is just being a good citizen, I can add that it's probably good for us if the Knights of the Sun cause trouble for the cult, too.”
Spirit: “On the other hand, Paladin orders tend to have things about ‘don't loot and sell the incredibly lethal and untraceable poisons’, ‘evil soul-eating books should be burned’, and ‘no, you can't keep that zompony as a pet’. So, mixed bag with getting them involved.”

Feddlefew

2016-02-07, 06:57 PM

(The following is paraphrased.)

P1, OOC: I'm going to try diplomacy!
DM: You don't have any shared languages.
P2 (The Kobold): Raaaa?
P1, OOC: But if I roll well enough I can communicate something, right? *rolls* Natural 20!
DM: Stand up. You're acting it out.
P1: Uhhh... *Flails, points in a few directions, makes throat slitting motion."
*Dead silence, face-palming from all present.*
P2: I set him on fire.

ZeroGear

2016-02-08, 06:14 AM

Disguised Rogue: *walks over and takes position next to soldier at locked door* "Long night?"
Soldier: "Yeah. Guard duty sucks."
Rogue: "Want to talk about it?"
Soldier: "Meh, nothing better to do. After all, we're stuck here making sure that lunatic they have locked up doesn't break in here."
Rogue: "Oh? What are they worried about? What's in there?"
Soldier: "Armory. The general's worried what that lune will do if he gets his hands on the weapons in there."
*Soldier looks over at Rogue.*
*Soldier notices his companion's uniform is not fitted properly*
*Soldier notices the shotgun aimed at his head*
*Rogue smiles widely*
Soldier: "...Sh*t."

Inevitability

2016-02-08, 02:55 PM

Player: So you're telling me that guy isn't evil?
Me: Indeed he isn't.
Player: But... but if he's not evil, we can't randomly kill him!
Me: Why are you saying that like it's a problem?

DigoDragon

2016-02-08, 03:21 PM

Beryl: “I like how casual you make that sound. ‘And today, I'll have a big breakfast, go shopping, fight assassins, and then maybe go hang out with some of my friends later’.”

Beryl: “Although, now that I think about it, if Lay on Hands can neutralize poison, could Beryl have defeated the cragadile by giving it a hug?”
DM: “…This is the strangest thought I've ever read first thing in the morning.”
Beryl: “Imma hug you!”
Cragadile: “Nooooo! My buffs!” D:

Beryl: “I don't think it works like that, but in case one of you has drunken a tall mug of pure evil, let me check anyway...”

Beryl: “Hmm, what would a tall mug of evil taste like, anyway?”
Trace: “Like black licorice, with a hint of mint.”
Crossguard: “I'm preferential of evil tasting like Brussels sprouts and Liver and Onions.”
Frostbite: “I'm of the opinion that evil tastes like a mouth full of spiders, complete with the sensations of horror and revulsion.”
DM: “Congrats, Frost. You have horrified your DM with the Jibblies (http://www.hrwiki.org/w/images/d/d8/jibblies.gif), winning 1st place on best answer.”
Frostbite: “Achievement Unlocked!”
Spirit: “Stop making Spirit hungry. He loves the feeling of tiny little legs flailing around in his esophagus and belly.”

Taet

2016-02-08, 05:31 PM

Frostbite: “I'm of the opinion that evil tastes like a mouth full of spiders, complete with the sensations of horror and revulsion.”
DM: “Congrats, Frost. You have horrified your DM with the Jibblies (http://www.hrwiki.org/w/images/d/d8/jibblies.gif), winning 1st place on best answer.”
Frostbite: “Achievement Unlocked!”
Spirit: “Stop making Spirit hungry. He loves the feeling of tiny little legs flailing around in his esophagus and belly.”
May I speak for P2 and for me for different reasons when I beg you to please please please stop talking. :smalleek:

ZeroGear

2016-02-08, 05:46 PM

Beryl: “Hmm, what would a tall mug of evil taste like, anyway?”
Trace: “Like black licorice, with a hint of mint.”

Why does everyone hate on black licorice? It's not that bad!

Necroticplague

2016-02-08, 09:39 PM

DM: Not all instincts atrophy. Some just lay dormant unless you un-train them.
Bruta: Isn't time a way to un-train reflexes, though?
DM: Not always. Observe.
DM: CUP CHECK!
Gene: *Tenses up and grits teeth on reflex*
Gene: Goddang it, that was almost half a lifetime ago. Or a full lifetime, depending on how you look at it.

goto124

2016-02-08, 10:31 PM

A dive bar is the kind of bar that has food and a fun atmosphere, like a night club or a bar and grill, but most people go to it because they and there friends want to get drunk and/or pick up *preferred gender*.

Thank you!

Me: I mean; how do you keep a party together?
Player: With chains.

I tried that once. It actually worked. O.o

Oh myyyy...

EvilJames

2016-02-09, 12:21 AM

Player: C'mon. He's old and looks like he's going to die soon anyway.
Me: He only looks like he's going to die, because you're standing behind him with a knife!

DigoDragon

2016-02-09, 07:03 AM

P2: I set him on fire.

Now there's a universal language among adventurers.
That and loot. ;)

Soldier: "...Sh*t."

Me: Why are you saying that like it's a problem?

"Players. Players never change." :smallbiggrin:

May I speak for P2 and for me for different reasons when I beg you to please please please stop talking. :smalleek:

I still get a bit creep'd out reading that conversation, and that was a bit ago...

DM: CUP CHECK!
Gene: *Tenses up and grits teeth on reflex*

...

Oh myyyy...

I even simulated this by tying string between their figures on the battle mat. So they couldn't move very far in a battle unless others cooperated. It was quite interesting to watch them start teamworking. Together!

GrayGriffin

2016-02-09, 12:47 PM

From the finale of one of my PTU games last night!

Missingno: "A- a dimensional anchor?! When did he-?!"
Everett: "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS, BUT SUCK IT"

Missingno: "In...Inconcievable..."
Everett: "I was told I should say that I do not think that word means what you think it means!"

Ryouta: "So is there bad news then?"
Coriander: "I suppose it's the fact that we won't get to UTTERLY DESTROY HIM."
Peter: "He would have to place the seals back again....."
Coriander: "...oh."

Lawleepawpz

2016-02-09, 02:02 PM

Just a few, as I recall them from the last couple weeks:

"I put the manticore in my jar"

"No, you can't put the oracle in the jar."

"Your stick severs his leg below the knee"

"Then let's go, Wimpy-Prince."

Rater202

2016-02-10, 12:33 AM

"Little Miss, we strongly suggests you not explode. That could be bad for your health."

Necroticplague

2016-02-10, 09:16 AM

...
Don't worry, no actual checking done. But years of football locker rooms firmly set that reflex in firmly.

GM: Wow, I have never seen you anybody arguing so hard for why someone other than them should get loot before.

DigoDragon

2016-02-10, 09:49 AM

GM: Wow, I have never seen you anybody arguing so hard for why someone other than them should get loot before.

I remember once having to break up a really heated argument between the party's bladesinger and cleric. The bladesinger demanded that the cleric take the nice +3 armor the party found in some loot, but the cleric refused and said the bladesinger should take it. It was the first time I ever saw a party nearly come to a row over trying to give away loot to another party member.

Beryl: “Level 4: Shed the armor, and start wearing a costume into battle instead. (Armored AC = Unarmored AC, so why not?)”
DM: “I'm suddenly picturing the movie Braveheart, with crystal ponies streaking in front of their enemy because even naked they're still technically armored.”
Beryl: “And with the low sun of the arctic, I can picture a line of naked Crystal Ponies angling themselves just right to blind the enemy. A quite literal flashing.”
Enemy Lieutenant: “They blinded us with a 21-plot salute!”

Crossguard: “You've handled yourself well. I remember when I first heard the Call. I was most undisciplined.”
Beryl: “...you missed the part where I rambled about my foalhood and panicked about zomponies.”

Spirit: “Would you say that sneaking up on the meeting is an acceptable reason to turn into a giant spider?”

Spirit: “Looks like your new girlfriend's crushing pretty hard. Think you can live up to expectations?”
Midnight: “I... We're not... It's only been a couple of days!”

Beryl: “Now, please. I was trying to buy you dinner in a subtle way, because I have a few things to ask you about today. Even if you're not hungry, I'd like you to join me.”
[Beat]
Beryl: “It's not a date, before you ask.”

Trace: “This isn't over, Snowball.”
Reality: *It was*

Inevitability

2016-02-10, 01:06 PM

Why does everyone hate on black licorice? It's not that bad!

I agree wholeheartedly, though that may just be because it's national food over here.

One Tin Soldier

2016-02-10, 02:09 PM

I agree wholeheartedly, though that may just be because it's national food over here.

I absolutely love black licorice. Though I also deliberately cultivated that taste. (Having 5 siblings makes you go to great lengths to keep other people from eating your snacks.)

Deep Gnome Fighter: I sneak up on the kobolds and try to sell them potions.

goto124

2016-02-11, 02:54 AM

DM: “I'm suddenly picturing the movie Braveheart, with crystal ponies streaking in front of their enemy because even naked they're still technically armored.”
Beryl: “And with the low sun of the arctic, I can picture a line of naked Crystal Ponies angling themselves just right to blind the enemy. A quite literal flashing.”
Enemy Lieutenant: “They blinded us with a 21-plot salute!”

Aren't crystal ponies literally made of... crystal? (http://img11.deviantart.net/bf74/i/2013/325/c/c/crystal_ponies_shatter_by_input_command-d6v1b22.png)

Spirit: “Looks like your new girlfriend's crushing pretty hard. Think you can live up to expectations?”
Midnight: “I... We're not... It's only been a couple of days!”

Beryl: “Now, please. I was trying to buy you dinner in a subtle way, because I have a few things to ask you about today. Even if you're not hungry, I'd like you to join me.”
[Beat]
Beryl: “It's not a date, before you ask.”

How did the Not!Date go, if it's already happened?

DigoDragon

2016-02-11, 08:15 AM

Aren't crystal ponies literally made of... crystal? (http://img11.deviantart.net/bf74/i/2013/325/c/c/crystal_ponies_shatter_by_input_command-d6v1b22.png)

I don't think they are 100% crystal. In my campaign they have a natural armor class from shiny coats (kevlar fur? I dunno. Magic) so I guess interpret that as you like. :3

How did the Not!Date go, if it's already happened?

It was shipping-free. Beryl just needed to get Trace to stop asking the wrong questions. Those questions will come back around later to haunt the party a bit.

Beryl: “...not adding shipping fuel to when Digo starts posting this in the Out of Context thread. Nope. Not doing that at all.”
DM: “My jaw is gonna be sore with the grin I’m wearing right now.”
Beryl: “Also, does being mistaken for going on a date with Trace count for getting Inspiration back? Probably not, but I had to ask.”
Spirit: “No, but actually going out with Trace? Definitely gets back your Inspiration, if for nothing but the inevitable self-imposed blunt force trauma.”

Midnight: “Huh. Why'd the chef take out all the blood? I mean, it's not bad, just... weird.”
Frostbite: “Midnight, you're not one of those... oh darn, what did the teachers call them? Hampires?”

Trace: “...dang it Digo, I see what you're doing... er did... done? You did a thing and I just now noticed. I'm not saying nothing about the thing you done did, you know exactly the thing of which you done. I'm curious if anyone else caught on to the thing Digo did and why certain things pertaining to the thing he did and the things that happened due to the thing he has done.”
Spirit: “You're going to have to be way more specific. Are you talking about the thing that he's doing? The thing that he started to do? The things that are going on in the background? The thing he did and now won't do? Or another thing?”
Trace: “Um… yes.”

Beryl: “So we have a Rogue who knows more about knights than the Paladin, but the Paladin knows more about bar etiquette than the Rogue.”

DM: “So the plan is to let the whole town know who you're looking for, thus the ones you're looking for should come to you?”
Beryl: “Normally, this is a good plan. When it's a cult of assassins... less so.”
DM: “I'm pondering Beryl getting a mystery note with the black hoof, and instead of ‘We Know’, the note says ‘Stop it!’”

Rater202

2016-02-11, 10:07 AM

Aren't crystal ponies literally made of... crystal? (http://img11.deviantart.net/bf74/i/2013/325/c/c/crystal_ponies_shatter_by_input_command-d6v1b22.png)

Considering that they hav no seams at their joints where interlocking parts could join, they literally woundlt be able to move if they were literally Crystal.

(Also, they don't Sparkle when sad, so...)

I'm under the impression that they have some kind of aura of emotions that makes them sparkly-crystal looking when they're happy... Which is almost all the time.

DigoDragon

2016-02-11, 10:50 AM

Considering that they hav no seams at their joints where interlocking parts could join, they literally woundlt be able to move if they were literally Crystal.

Optic fiber fur!! :D

McNum

2016-02-11, 12:02 PM

Optic fiber fur!! :D
Like polar bears? Makes sense, they're both arctic creatures.

And yes, polar bears. Fun fact about these white giants: They aren't white. They are actually black covered in transparent fur which reflects light, so they look white. But they're black.

Theoboldi

2016-02-11, 12:23 PM

And yes, polar bears. Fun fact about these white giants: They aren't white. They are actually black covered in transparent fur which reflects light, so they look white. But they're black.

Actually, that one is myth and has been disproven since 1998. Not the part about them being black underneath the fur, but the part about their fur reflecting light which causes them to look white.

ddude987

2016-02-11, 01:52 PM

This could have musical number potential. XD

it so could! I'll have to ask the player in our group who is our bard (regardless of his actual class) to sing something about the forest and genders.
Honesty this quote didn't even make sense in context xD

DigoDragon

2016-02-11, 04:24 PM

Like polar bears? Makes sense, they're both arctic creatures.

Is that why Beryl bakes? A traditional way to keep warm up north?

I'll have to ask the player in our group who is our bard (regardless of his actual class)

This describes my average PC when I play. :smallbiggrin:

AdmiralCheez

2016-02-11, 10:51 PM

Finley: Wait, you can't pull punches on spells?
{beat}
Finley: I think he might be dead...

Dravin: You didn't notice we were being chased?
Tymorel: Sorry, I was cardboard at the time.

Julio: Nobles sometimes have these whirlpool things in their castles. I hear they are quite relaxing.
Finley: Julio, what are you smoking? Whirlpools in palaces? What?
Dravin: (OOC) He's talking about a jacuzzi.

DM: Swan dive, double daggers drawn?
Dravin: That would be such an awesome... way to die.

goto124

2016-02-12, 12:38 AM

Actually, that one is myth and has been disproven since 1998. Not the part about them being black underneath the fur, but the part about their fur reflecting light which causes them to look white.

But in MLPverse, polar bears DO have optic fiber fur! They're how ponies get high-speed internet! :smallbiggrin:

Inevitability

2016-02-12, 01:40 AM

Me: No, poisoning something won't also set it on fire.

Feddlefew

2016-02-12, 03:16 AM

Me: No, poisoning something won't also set it on fire.

That really depends on your choice of poison, though.....

DigoDragon

2016-02-12, 08:21 AM

That really depends on your choice of poison, though.....

Pick two that are hypergolic with each other and you have the best of both worlds.

Finley: Wait, you can't pull punches on spells?
{beat}
Finley: I think he might be dead...

A running joke in my old group was that you could pull punches with the Bigby spells. :smallbiggrin:

Beryl: “I swear I've seen less player worshipping in harem dating sims. I don't mind being a Chosen One in a game, but I don't want to be everyone's Chosen One.”

Trace: “Unless they have a name, face, and location, they can't do much.”
DM: “I beg to differ. I have a character in an RP that's being harassed by someone who literally has no face.”

DM: “I don't think anyone would logically be completely Bolivian to this meeting on Lino Street.”
Spirit: “I have not heard Bolivian in this context before. It's colloquially synonymous with oblivious?
DM: *Takes his autocorrect out back behind the shed and shoots it*
Spirit: “No, Digo! It'll just come back as a zombie autocorrect! That just makes it worse!”
Trace: “Just keep them away from the taco bell green sauce. We'll need a dragonborn if it goes that far.”
DM: “… … …What the faq?”

Beryl: “I commend Spirit for upping the social challenge significantly for Beryl—Gather information without drawing attention. But you must do it while babysitting an alligator! Well played, well played.”

Spirit: “As the size of an alligator increases, the number of social situations it is incapable of solving approaches zero.”

Spirit: “It's hard to put into words, but... well. In the back of my mind, I feel something primal. Some call it the call of the gods. Some call it the fury of the wild. Some call it the collective belief of all sentient things. I call it Vera.”

Beryl: (Impersonating a callous paladin) “Do enemies lie in ambush? Let's send in a glowing horse to check!”

goto124

2016-02-12, 09:50 AM

Beryl: (Impersonating a callous paladin) “Do enemies lie in ambush? Let's send in a glowing horse to check!”

Wait, what species is that paladin? I still remember the confusion over what to rename Find Steed into...

McNum

2016-02-12, 09:57 AM

Wait, what species is that paladin? I still remember the confusion over what to rename Find Steed into...
Crystal Pony. It was more a comment on how disposable the steed of Find Steed is, since it respawns at full health when you resummon it.

We still haven't quite figured out what to do with that spell. Recent circumstances may cause "bear" to be an option.

DigoDragon

2016-02-12, 11:22 AM

We still haven't quite figured out what to do with that spell. Recent circumstances may cause "bear" to be an option.

I still think Direwolf would be awesome. :3

Fable Wright

2016-02-12, 02:10 PM

I still think Direwolf would be awesome. :3

It would be. But the fact of the matter is, if you compare them side by side, bears have lower AC, higher damage, a climb speed, and the same tracking bonus. Wolves have a trip that's unlikely to succeed and Advantage on attacks when ridden. When you add barding to the equation, you get the same AC on both, so the bear loses its one downside.

Besides. This way, at level 6, Beryl can ride her own bear, while Spirit carries Ace on his back as a polar bear that summoned two other bears, which Crossguard and Frostbite could ride. We could legitimately become a bear cavalry. With air support. And that's just too much fun to pass up for even a dire wolf.

One Tin Soldier

2016-02-12, 03:50 PM

I, for one, support the Horses Riding Bears initiative.

Amphetryon

2016-02-12, 09:56 PM

Ogg: What happened to you?
Hyrn: Schloop, pivot, thud. Repeat.

Later. . . .

Hyrn: I'm standing by the flat side of the circle, nearest to the smallest of the four identical towers.

ZeroGear

2016-02-12, 10:10 PM

"Your chicken is all messed up. You got placenta all over my eggs."
"I don't think that word means what you think it means."

Mutazoia

2016-02-13, 01:08 AM

Spirit: “As the size of an alligator increases, the number of social situations it is incapable of solving approaches zero.”

If resorting to violence is not solving all of your problems, you're not resorting to enough of it.

GM: The Field Marshall drags Satella into view on the screen. "You will land your craft and surrender immediately or..." and he snaps her arm like a twig.
Satella: Hey...my parents gave me that arm!
GM: "Do I have your attention now?"
Blake: [Takes off glasses and turns to face the viewscreen] I think there's been some mis-communication, heir Field Marshall. When our landing party stated we were unarmed and peaceful, the "we" referred to themselves. I, however, am a war-mongering mass-murderer who considers triggering extinction level events to be a fun first date, and I'm sitting on the bridge of a Marauder class star ship. Ajax, target the power reactor on their eastern seaboard, maximum yield.
Ajax (ships computer): Target acquired, all weapon systems cleared for firing.
GM: "You expect me to believe you would kill actually kill a hundred million men, women and children, simply to prove a point? Land now."
Blake: I once caused a star to go supernova because some stupid waitress on the systems primary put cream in my coffee, and you just broke one of my four favorite arms in the entire galaxy. So to answer your earlier question, Heir Field Mouse: Yes...you now have my full. Undivided. Attention. Ajax, Fire on my command.
GM: Okay...roll bluff.
Blake: Who's bluffing?
GM: Okay...roll intimidate.
Blake: Why? I'm not expecting a response. [back in character] Ajax, fire.
Satella: [to party leader] Let's leave him on the ship, you said. He can't cause any damage if he's on the ship, you said. How the hell is THAT working out for us?

flame12

2016-02-13, 01:43 AM

GM: While I understand that the barbarian may need to be told not to rage at a party "for the lulz", I didn't expect I would have to tell you not to turn the grapes into bees!
P1: It wouldn't have been just grapes.
GM::smallfurious:That doesn't make it better!

Necroticplague

2016-02-13, 11:09 AM

Gene: O.k, everything of value's been looted, everyone alive had been knocked out, stripped knocked, and looted, we even managed to actually do what the johnson hired us for! Why do I still feel like we're missing something....
Bruta: Has anyone seen where I set my explosives? I could have swore I had way more by volume that I could use, just in case, but it seems I have a reasonable amount of explosives on me right now.
GM: As if by the forces of dramatic irony, you here a loud explosion, followed by the sound of fire alarms.
Gene: Ah, that's it! We forgot the fire!

DigoDragon

2016-02-13, 11:10 AM

Trace: “I just want to correct something but since I'm on phone I'm not going to copy paste a huge wall of text. Trace's goal is not to become a master thief, it is to get results. Which he does, often. The master thief is just a hobby, like running for congress is for most people. He also trains in the art of stitching.”

Crossguard: “I'm going more for Enchantress than Knight.”
DM: “She's a holy enchantress
She does holy dances
And if you look deep in her eyes
She'll dispel your hexes...”
Crossguard: “Excuuuuuse me, sir? I do not dispel evil. I SMITE EVIL!”

DM: “Rita serves the card cider to Beryl.”
Spirit: “Oh man, that sounds like the best drink to have at a poker table.”
Beryl: “And now I'm thinking how to turn Poker into a drinking game.”
DM: “Dang autocorrect. Well, you know I meant 'cold'.”
Beryl: “I thought you meant ‘hard’, actually, since Beryl ordered a hard cider.”
DM: “…Assume you got what you ordered and let's move on to something less complicated for the DM to type.”
Beryl: “Right, I'll refrain from having Beryl order a sarsaparilla anytime soon.”
Trace: “It says right here you ordered one ‘Sassed Gorilla’. I assure you he has been thoroughly sassed.”

DM: “Curses, foiled by a 20!”

DM: “Gizmo will reason out that this mark means this shack is a Thieves Guild designated 'stash site'.”
Trace: “Trace*”
DM: “Ding dong dang-it.”

goto124

2016-02-13, 11:45 AM

DM: *autocorrect shenanigans*

DM: “Curses, foiled by a 20!”

Is there a song called "Life as a GM"?

DigoDragon

2016-02-13, 12:56 PM

Is there a song called "Life as a GM"?

There totally should be one, for the kind of instances like this. :3

NRSASD

2016-02-13, 05:05 PM

DM: Turning the corner in the sewers, you see a log dam clogging the 20ft pipe.
Thief: A dam in the sewers? Are there giant beavers or something?
Cleric: This is a foe beyond any of you... RUN!

Fighter: Is there nothing we can do to appease these beavers' rage?!?!

Cleric: I try to pull [Fighter] through the manhole and onto the street!
DM: The beavers pull back. Roll a strength check.
Cleric: rolls a critical failure
DM:[Fighter] is yanked from your grasp and disappears into the maelstrom of fur and teeth below
Fighter: It's ok guys! They're accepting me as one their own! They're just being affectionate!

the OOD

2016-02-14, 02:24 AM

Seraphim: turn over the adversary.
Helvetica Jones: adversary?
Seraphim: the deamon-tainted woman who is with you.
Helvetica: you are a guest in my house, you are welcome as long as you act civilly and play nice.
Seraphim: house? we are outside, and I see no house.
Helvetica: I am a human, and this is the earth, this is my house. now play nice or get off my planet.
Seraphim: the Holy Battle cannot be obstruct-
Helvetica: SICK 'EM!
Adam Eden: *charges angel, slamming it into the ground, and begins choking it to death*
Helvetica: *walks over* when you go back, tell the Big Guy that he is welcome here as long as he can play be our rules, if not, then F*** the F*** off *puts out cigarette on angel's forehead*
Helvetica: *turns his back on the seraphim and walks away*
Adam: *breaks angel's neck*

Adam Eden: I want to pull a gandalf!
Helvetica Jones: NO!
Adam: please?
Helvetica: you want to pull a gandalf IN MY LIVING ROOM. worst friend ever.
Adam: awww... I love you?

Haywood Aquila: you do realize that pissing off the angels means that you are gonna be screwed in the afterlife, right?
Helvetica Jones: not if I can find my own dimensional plane to go to after death. F*** the two-party system!
Mr. T: he really is Australian!

Inevitability

2016-02-14, 06:08 AM

Taet

2016-02-14, 03:39 PM

New group and new numbers.

DM: You see a hand dragging itself along by its fingertips. Make a guts check. :smallwink:
P1: (fails hard) :smallsigh:
DM: Oo, a major phobia! :smallamused: How about a fear of hands? :smallbiggrin:
P1: Or a fear of touch...I can see that going well. :smalltongue:

DM: Did I mention the hand has an eyeball attached on top? :smallcool:

P2: Wait...I try using Indian sign language. :smallsmile:
DM: The hand starts signing back. :smallcool:
P1: Why are we not killing the hand right now. :smallannoyed:

P1: We're in combat now. I try and blast the zombie the hand is attacking, and if it gets caught in the blast as well, oh well. :smallamused:
P3: That's very underhanded of you. :smallwink:
P1: :smallmad:

DM: ...and you have rescued the girl! She seems grateful. :smallsmile:
P1: You know what? I would try to smooth-talk her. :smallcool:
P4: Hope she doesn't offer you a handjob. :smallbiggrin:
P1: :smallfurious:

Khaiel

2016-02-14, 07:33 PM

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: It's funny how we ignored all the gems even after realizing they weren't a trap, but we still took the relic from a dark god that was behind a room full of traps.
Captain Longsword: We are pirates. Rum makes our plans kind of not-so-bright.
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Hey, I am a half-Deep One, I'm not judging.

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: They took his Third Eye so he would pass as a human and they could sell him as a slave? What kind of barbarism is that?
First Mate Dunkel: As opposed to you taking it from him in a probably more painful way?
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: That would have been for Science! And for praising the Dark Gods of the Abyss, but mostly for Science.
Captain Longsword: The hell was I thinking when I hired him as our medic?

Captain Longsword: I create a "room" covering the platoon and change my position with one of the soldiers. And then I do an area attack.
GM: If only Trafalgar Law was half as efficent as you...

First Mate Dunkel: We wanted to do a One Piece style game... And instead we have a half-Balzak that uses us to fulfill his own dark plans, a psychopath captain that gives zero ****s about causing unnecessary pain and destruction and who buys and sells slaves as if it was nothing and a pilot who would ram the zeppelin into a city if he was told he could have a good fight there... And yet I am the one with 30 points of Infamy.
Captain Longsword: Lucky bastard...
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: The trick is not leaving any survivors.

Pilot Cain (Holding his left arm, which had been cut previously): Doc! I could use a little bit of help here!
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: *Rolls Medicine. Fumbles.* It seems that the pilot has been... *Puts on sunglasses* Disarmed.

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Martini. Shaken, not stirred.
First Mate Dunkel: I understand he has the best social skills... But he is a walking lobster!
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: I also have the best Disguise skill.
GM: He is asking for a martini in the equivalent to Ancient Egypt... Worst part is, he has enough Style to actually get it.

Yes the character is called Doctor for his first name, and he is also a Doctor. Funny things happen when you make your character drunk and you try to actually play it later.

Fable Wright

2016-02-14, 08:02 PM

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: They took his Third Eye so he would pass as a human and they could sell him as a slave? What kind of barbarism is that?
First Mate Dunkel: As opposed to you taking it from him in a probably more painful way?
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: That would have been for Science! And for praising the Dark Gods of the Abyss, but mostly for Science.

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: The trick is not leaving any survivors.

GM: He is asking for a martini in the equivalent to Ancient Egypt... Worst part is, he has enough Style to actually get it.

I like this doctor and wish to subscribe to his newsletter. Is he published? :smallbiggrin:

DigoDragon

2016-02-15, 07:50 AM

Yes the character is called Doctor for his first name, and he is also a Doctor. Funny things happen when you make your character drunk and you try to actually play it later.

I sense a kinship here. I like. XD

P1: :smallfurious:

I laughed SO much it hurts to breathe.

Helvetica Jones:

That is a pretty cool character name!

Beryl: “You know, now that I've said that, I totally feel like I have to do it... It's stupid, but hey, Beryl can heal.”
Beryl: *takes the last fish and attaches it to her tail* “Okay, c'mon champ. We're going outside.”
Beryl: *waves her fish-laden tail in front of the gator*
Beryl: “EDIT: And done. Somewhere, Beryl's prey instincts are crying...”

Trace: “Speaking of armor, what is Cross wearing currently? My action may depend on the answer.”
Crossguard: “I'm away from my laptop right now, but she's mostly got useful combat buffs known, being a Paladin/Sorcerer.”
Spirit: “It's her appearance he's asking after. Obviously light armor, like you requested in the thread? Nothing, because of her new natural armor? It informs his decisions.”
DM: “I suddenly had this idea of Crossguard in a combat cocktail dress.”
Beryl: “Crossguard was unarmored in the Cragadile fight, if I remember right, so I think she's not wearing anything but her new shiny dragon scales for defense.”
DM: “This commentary would very much sound a lot stranger without the context that we're RPing as ponies.”

Mystery Pony: “Where is the sorcerer you were with at the tavern?”
Trace: “What sorcerer? I was with a couple of friends visiting. One got a creepy note by mistake and I offered to scope it out for him.”
Trace: *rolls a 4 on Bluff*

Crossguard: “I would suggest that Trace and Crossguard move swiftly. She's got a five second fuse when it comes to the undead, and she's already spent four seconds of it.”

DM: “Okay, the dice aren't being difficult. They are actively trying to kill you.”

Thief Mook #4: “Bart, they're not the cult. They didn't take the ponies.”
Thief Leader: “They had a coin, and they lured out a spellcaster from the library. Their either mercs hired by the brotherhood, or they're morons.”
Spirit: “Apologies. We're traveling adventurers, and had the misfortune of running across both an idiot thief and strange evil magic. We got a cryptic message that people are after whoever holds that cursed coin, and so the idiot thief of course starts flashing it around at every opportunity. Now we're all paranoid, and apparently so are you.”
Beryl: “Yeah, we're basically morons.”

goto124

2016-02-15, 08:23 AM

combat cocktail dress

I googled that. My thoughts afterwards:

"Hmm, they don't look any different from normal cocktail dresses. Must be ninja cocktail dresses..."

"Oooh, google suggests 'cocktail dresses for men'! Lemme see... wait, these are all suits! Where are the actual dresses?!"

Trace: *rolls a 4 on Bluff*

DM: “Okay, the dice aren't being difficult. They are actively trying to kill you.”

On point :smallcool:

Gallade

2016-02-15, 08:27 AM

"I draw an image of the badger on my crossbow with its blood."

- - -

"I draw an image of the orc on my crossbow with his blood."

- - -

"I draw an image of the raider on my crossbow with his blood."

- - -

"I draw an image of the ninja on my crossbow with his blood"

- - -

"You face a hulking, ten foot tall zombie."
"I'm going to need a bigger crossbow."

goto124

2016-02-15, 08:29 AM

Did the player have a crossbow IRL while playing the game?

Any red paint to use as 'blood'?

Gallade

2016-02-15, 08:33 AM

Did the player have a crossbow IRL while playing the game?

Any red paint to use as 'blood'?

Nope. The weapon's description did take to almost ridiculous levels eventually.

goto124

2016-02-15, 08:42 AM

"On the crossbow is:

an image of an orc drawn in orc blood, an image of a raider drawn in human(?) blood, an image of a ninja drawn in kender(?) blood, an image of a zombie drawn in zombie blood, an image of a zombie drawn in zombie blood, an image of a rust monster drawn in rusted blood, an image of a skeleton drawn in bone powder, an image of a succubus drawn in succubus blood, an image of a gelatinous cube drawn in sticky jelly"

Gallade

2016-02-15, 09:37 AM

Khaiel

2016-02-15, 10:16 AM

I like this doctor and wish to subscribe to his newsletter. Is he published? :smallbiggrin:

Dr Doctor Zoidberg is from an Anima campaign I play with my RL friends. However I'm thinking about posting a few more quotes.

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: "IN THE NAME OF PEACE AND JUSTICE, GO GO RED THEURGIA!"
GM: And now we have a Lobster Man Power Ranger Doctor.

Pilot Cain: We need a new name for our zeppelin... While The Lady sounds cool, it doesn't seem very pirate-like.
Captain Longsword: As the captain I say the name shall be USS Ma'****.
First Mate Dunkel: The Lady it is then.

GM: As you are about to get to the door of Doc's quarters, the door opens, and from the bedroom exit the ten tranvestites, a member of the crew, two prostitutes, Dunkel's slave girl, two of the teenagers that help the carpenter on his job, Doc's nurses, Doc's parrot and a dog.
Captain Longsword: I don't even...
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: I've got VERY good pick up lines.

Priest Warrior: I should kill you, but a friend of yours has paid me to not interfere.
Captain Longsword: Accepting bribes to not do your holy job? I can respect that.

GM: Well, after every one of your men has been paid, morale is sky high. They've got 25 GC without doing anything and in less than a day.
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: So... Our men are the guys who upload videos to the Internet saying that they earn a lot of money each day without doing anything?

Captain Longsword: How do you know Jashu?
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Well, back when I was studying my third degree, there was this girl from Stygia who had a thing for pincers...
Pilot Cain: Who else but Zoidberg?

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: I can't help but feel that, whatever [GM]'s plans for the campaign were, we are ramming them with the front of our zeppelin, landing on them, poking them with sticks and then setting them on fire as we leave.

Captain Longsword: The plan is simple. Cain, get us out of here. Doctor, go and treat the injured and supervise the repairs... Dunkel... Smash.
First Mate Dunkel: :smallbiggrin:

Spacebatsy

2016-02-15, 10:31 AM

First mission of the newly started Deathwatch campaign

Theo: [Artemis] is Djingis Khan, what did [Korbin] pick?
Korbin: I’m the vampire :smalltongue:
Theo: You’re a Blood angel?
Korbin: I realize that was not specific enough. I’m a Raven guard
Theo: They are vampires?
Korbin: They all look like vampires and their demeanor is called “Son of night”. I’d say so.
Artemis: This game has vampires? I thought we were playing space marines?
Korbin: There are werewolves too...
Theo: Just go with it. What did you name him?
Korbin: *rolls* Korbin
Artemis: Dallas?
Korbin: *laugh* Yes, that’s great! He’ll look like Korben Dallas
Theo: Are we still making vampire jokes? :smallconfused:
Artemis: Were you raised beneath a rock?

GM: Your pet wolf can’t be smarter and/or more charismatic than your team-mates

GM: Half the group is brooding, antisocial and hate each other and the other half are all about the joy of making new friends. Somehow I think all your conflicts will end with the Raven guard perched on the roof making a Spiderman 3 impression while the White scar takes off on his space-bike blasting “Born to be wild” over the com-link.
Artemis: Life goals

Theo: For the Emperor! *storms down into the ravine*
GM: You quickly realizes none of your brothers follow you
Theo: What the hell guys!
Artemis: They are within range, we are covering you
Theo: What about Korbin?
Gm: He’s just not coming
Theo: I’ll put him in the ground when this is over :smallannoyed:

Theo: I smile comfortingly to the guardsmen, to put them at ease *roll charm*
GM: You’re wearing a helmet
Theo: But I rolled really well…
GM: Theo’s visor lenses twinkle in a friendly manner

Artemis: This is stupid, ridiculous and potentially lethal

GM: Korbin goes down alongside the tyranid, the snow around them covered in blood from both xeno and astartes
Theo: I rush over
GM: To get his gene-seed? :smalltongue:
Theo: Should probably make sure he’s dead first
Ulfgrim: “make sure” not “check if”. Can we get another doctor? :smallmad:

Ulfgrim: I spit in disgust
GM: You show your defiance by spitting inside your helmet. The enemy is perplexed

GM: Both of you notice tyranids are trying to ambush you. Ulfgrim, you have *rolls* eight of the smaller xenos attacking you. Artemis and Theo, you are facing *roll* one
Theo: *laughs* what were they thinking with that setup?
GM: “Let’s all gang up on that lone one, we can take him!” “What about the other two?” “Dunno, let’s send Steve. No-one likes Steve”

Korbin: Let’s not do this again
Artemis: Quoth the Raven guard, "Nevermore"

Ulfgrim: I wink to Theo
GM: Ulfgrim turns his helmeted head to Theo but says nothing

Artemis: I glare at Korbin
GM: Korbin and Artemis have the world’s most boring stare down, since none of their faces are showing!

Captain Astramael: You will answer to me and I will answer to Watch Commander Percy
Theo: *snorts* “Percy”?
GM: You realize your captain is literary named “Star-angel”?

Gallade

2016-02-15, 12:34 PM

Bard: "Actually, can we banish the priestess and keep the demon?"

Warrior: "Here's the plan, you go sing for the big guy, and meanwhile we sneak through the back and kill the brothers."
Bard: "What if he hears the commotion?"
Warrior: "Just pretend it's part of the performance. Don't you know a song that goes like 'oh gods they are killing us why aren't you coming to help' ?"

GM: "The hulking zombie picks Rocinante up."
Warrior: "If I attack, is there a chance I will hit him instead?"
GM: "Yes."
Warrior: "Awesome."

(Bard has been knocked out by badger attacks several times already)
Antipaladin: "Once I get off this place, I will continue my crusade against order and justice."
Bard: "Any chance you might kill the god of badgers while you're at it?"

Diachronos

2016-02-16, 01:19 AM

P1: "Is there a set age for classes like in Pathfinder?"
DM: "No, you can be whatever age you want."
P1: "So what penalties would I be taking by playing a 3-year-old?"

Gallade

2016-02-16, 04:52 AM

DM:"You killed Andero the knight and his corpse fell off his horse. What do you do now?"
Antipaladin:"I take his horse."
DM:"Uh, okay. Roll Handle Animal."
(Natural 20)
DM:"The mare instantly becomes docile and saunters towards you."
Antipaladin:"I climb on."
DM:"Ride check."
(19 plus modifiers)
DM:"Mere seconds after you slew her former master, she's ready to help you kill the servants who were feeding her this very morning. What a peculiar beast."

DigoDragon

2016-02-16, 08:18 AM

DM:"Mere seconds after you slew her former master, she's ready to help you kill the servants who were feeding her this very morning. What a peculiar beast."

*starts humming the 'Bad Horse' song in his head*

P1: "So what penalties would I be taking by playing a 3-year-old?"

Unless playing a Warforged... a lot. :smalltongue:

"Oooh, google suggests 'cocktail dresses for men'! Lemme see... wait, these are all suits! Where are the actual dresses?!"

I've seen some cocktail dressed for the male protagonist in Fallout 4.

Beryl: “I bet that'll convince them real good that Beryl isn't an assassin.”
DM: “That, and the fact they aren't all already dead.”

Frostbite: “So, I'm noticing that a lot of NPCs have human names; Rita, Bill, Bart. etc. Is this mostly for simplicity, or is there an in-game reason?”
DM: “Simplicity really. They are basic short words acting as names. Also, it would have been hard to take the scene seriously if I named their leader 'Sparklebutt' or something.”
Frostbite: “Heh, true. Might also remove some of the mystery from the game. ‘Are you an assassin?’”
NPC: “No.”
Frostbite: “What's your name?”
NPC: “...Shadow Killer.”

Beryl: “Befriending a gelatinous cube? Sounds like a job for a baker! That has to be the weirdest flavor muffins ever.”

DM: “Anyway, just wanted to say that it's interesting how so far these encounters haven't instantly turned to combat. I'm really not used to that.”
Midnight: “Midnight, for one, is a bit disappointed that it hasn't gone immediately to combat.”
Beryl: “They were supposed to be combat encounters?”

DM: “It's like Murlynd's Spoon... for ponies.”

Assassin: “Give us the coin now. Whether you remain breathing or not when you do is a conscious action on your part that you do not wish to hesitate further on. The last winged pony that delayed had a personal meeting with the ground from a high window.”

Spirit: “Also, wut. Natural 1. On an Advantaged roll. Wut.”
Beryl: “Double 1s on an Advantaged roll. That's impressive.”

Diachronos

2016-02-16, 11:53 PM

"Okay, so I'm going on seahorse."

"Dammit, I keep rolling seahorse!"

Khaiel

2016-02-17, 10:54 AM

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: My name is Zoidberg, Doctor Zoidberg. *Drinks Martini and eats the glass.*

First Mate Dunkel: Captain, I think Doc has gone a little too far.
Captain Longsword: Who has he vivisected this time?
First Mate Dunkel: No one. But he has taken all the men under his command and given them Nazi SS uniforms.

Captain Longsword: Our PR guy is going to want his head on a silver plate...

First Mate Dunkel: What about the men we sent down?
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: All dead... And yes, even Jeff from accounting. Especially Jeff from accounting.
Pilot Cain: Those bastards! They killed Jeff!

DigoDragon

2016-02-17, 11:14 AM

"Okay, so I'm going on seahorse."
"Dammit, I keep rolling seahorse!"

I think those dice are drunk. XD

Dr Doctor Zoidberg

Hee hee. That's the "loony" player of your group, isn't it?

Beryl: “On one side, we have an unholy abomination sired by a vampire, and on the other an adorable pink pony. One of these just threatened to murder the other. But the answer to who's threatening who may surprise you.”

DM: “The challenge I face is that I have six PCs to track here... and only one of them is in the right place.”

Spirit: “Ninja'd by the shiny pink paladin pony. How did that happen?”
Beryl: “I mean, getting bitten in the throat by a snarling beast is a universal language that both vampires and wolves practice, but that's not all that effective for asking directions.”

DM: “...AND they retain whatever abilities they had when they still had a heart-beat.”
Spirit: “Well this is new.”
Crossguard: “Looks like Crossguard's gonna have to get a bigger boot.” :smallannoyed:

Beryl: “You know, when this vampire spawn encounter started, I was pretty sure Beryl would have introduced it to 1d8+2d8+1d8 damage to the face as an opener, but then it wanted to talk...”
DM: “Few things trip up a PC more than a villain that wants to be civil.”

Beryl: “So, Digo, you've managed to tick off a third of the party with one flunky who just had to say the exact wrong thing. Well done.”
Crossguard: “Crossguard wants to bury some corpses where they belong, too.”

Khaiel

2016-02-17, 11:27 AM

Hee hee. That's the "loony" player of your group, isn't it?

That's my character in that campaign. Drinking before creating the character was not a good idea.

Gracht Grabmaw

2016-02-17, 12:22 PM

DigoDragon

2016-02-17, 12:26 PM

That's my character in that campaign. Drinking before creating the character was not a good idea.

I dunno, seems like in this instance whatever you were drinking helped create an awesome character.

ZeroGear

2016-02-17, 01:28 PM

"I reach into my pants, pull out my Rod of Lordly Might, and hit the bandit with it."
"You pull WHAT out of your WHERE?"
"My Rod of Lordly Might out of my pants."
"And you hit the guy with it?"
"Well, I could extend it first, but then I wouldn't get an attack. Pulling items out of inventory is a move action."
"I thought that was a full-round action, and I don't think they covered this in the rules."
"Well, you would be right, but my Haversack Pants are enchanted so that everything I need is easily accessed, so it cuts down my action to a move."
"Wait, you're wearing magic pants?"
"Oh yeah. They're quite comfortable. And they act like a Bag of Holding and a Handy Haversack to boot."
"I dread to ask, but what else do you have in there?"
"Wouldn't you like to know."

Gallade

2016-02-17, 04:20 PM

Bard:"Finally a bazar. I can finally buy some more prisms so I don't have to hold off casting Read Magic."
DM:"Uh...You only need one prism. It's a Focus component, not a Material one."
Bard:..........
Antipaladin:"I think he just threw himself out of a window. He's playing with us in spirit now."

Mutazoia

2016-02-17, 09:31 PM

Gm: The orbital strike hits the power plant, causing a chain reaction, and the whole thing goes supernova. Congratulations, in a city the size of the entire US eastern seaboard, you just turned an area the size of New Jersey I to a smoking, irradiated crater, killing millions.
Blake: How much experience do I get?
Gm: Huh?
Blake: How much experience do I get for all those kills? Even if they are only worth a tenth of a point a piece, that's still a pretty hefty sum there...
Gm: They were zero level civilians. They were worthless!
Blake: Well then they deserve to be eradicated :(
Satella: You're enjoying playing this character way too much

GanonBoar

2016-02-18, 07:38 AM

DM (After a player repeatedly used the wand of wonder): Congratulations. You are now a 3 foot tall blue skinned human in a giant bird's pocket, and almost everyone else is blind.

DigoDragon

2016-02-18, 07:56 AM

"Wait, you're wearing magic pants?"

Dang, this is a brilliant magic item.

Antipaladin:"I think he just threw himself out of a window. He's playing with us in spirit now."

If he's happy that it's over, does that make him the Grateful Dead?

Midnight: “So, for those keeping score-- Midnight Squall, who sleeps hanging from the ceiling (and knows ponies who sleep in coffins), has fangs and bat wings, and enjoys eating blood, didn't think that vampires were real.”

DM: “Vampires have a revulsion to garlic, much like how ponies would have a revulsion to swimming in an open sewer.”

Beryl: “But I don't know, this whole vampires/kidnapping thing has thrown me for a loop. I mean, I expected a vampire with the campaign name, but just not quite yet. Sometime between the red skeletons and medusa heads.”
White Text: “(Also, please don't include the medusa heads.)”

Spirit: “I am bad at conveying clear information through a zebra who's quite possibly insane; sorry for confusing you.”

DM: “So... are you bad enough to save the necromancer?”

Spirit: “My plan, if you can call it that, was to turn into a bear, wear a garlic garland, and barrel in to grab Ace and get out.”
Beryl: “...hrm, no. I don't think learning to ride bearback while fighting vampires is a good idea.”

DM: “I do like how Plan D is starting to turn into a Coca-Cola commercial.”
Spirit: “Can you focus on securing a prisoner when a charging bear is trying to sell you coke? I didn't think so.”

Crossguard: “She would pull her rank as a Knight and demand to board alongside her ATB (Amphibious Tactical Bear).”
Beryl: “Might be fun, I mean, nopony expects a baker riding an angry bear in the middle of the night.”
Spirit: “Minor logistical question: I know Spirit becomes big, but is he really big enough for two mares to ride him at once? I mean, he's certainly willing to give it a shot, but it could get rather awkward if one has to squirm on the other's lap the whole time to get both of them in on the action.”
DM: [Beat] “Eh, it's too easy a trap.”
Spirit: “Bad Digo, this is about battlebears, not innuendos!”

cavalieredraghi

2016-02-18, 08:14 AM

DM (After a player repeatedly used the wand of wonder): Congratulations. You are now a 3 foot tall blue skinned human in a giant bird's pocket, and almost everyone else is blind.

A player of mine did this as well, but with the Sorcerer Chaotic magic table.

Necroticplague

2016-02-18, 08:21 AM

Gene: Oh no, I see wear this is going. Anything that's worn under most clothing that's talking is practically asking for trouble if you wear it. I don't care if it radiates blinding amount of good, I aint touching it.

goto124

2016-02-18, 08:50 AM

So you guys are riding bears?

DigoDragon

2016-02-18, 09:17 AM

So you guys are riding bears?

The party druid turned into a bear and one of the paladins rode him into battle. :3

Gallade

2016-02-18, 09:41 AM

DM (After a player repeatedly used the wand of wonder): Congratulations. You are now a 3 foot tall blue skinned human in a giant bird's pocket, and almost everyone else is blind.

He's done and smurfed it.

goto124

2016-02-18, 09:45 AM

The party druid turned into a bear and one of the paladins rode him into battle. :3

Nice. What level does Find Steed Find Bear come at?

Cazero

2016-02-18, 09:54 AM

The party druid turned into a bear and one of the paladins rode him into battle. :3
I know that somewhere, my old WoW guildmaster would cringe at this.
If she read that forum anyway. Maybe I should text her.

Rater202

2016-02-18, 10:31 AM

23:"Well, if they're ever bad, we can always just riff at them. This reminds me, there is actually a lot of human media about going into space and the aliens they encounter. Though they don't compare to the real thing."
22:"Obviously."
23:"Mostly because they're filled with stupid cliches, like all the aliens just being humans with rubber foreheads."
"uuum...."
(Most aliens in the setting are humans with a few minor differences)
23:"Or how there is always these alien species with monocultures, like a race of warriors that never back down from any fight and place high emphasis on honor."
22:"Errrr..."
(There's two in the party, or two diferant races, and one is right there)
23:"Or a race of super-geniuses that obey nothing but logic and make lots of tech while telling humanity that they're illogical and not ready for certain advances yet."
22:"Uuuuuh..."
(One in the party, and the ship belongs to him)
23:"or a race of imperialistic beings with some clear advantage that makes them think they are superior to everyone else and thus constantly conquer people."
22:"Ahm....."
(There's two in the party)
23:"Or the lone super-soldier who is a successful prototype, but the super-soldier never gets replicated for some reason."
22:".....I aaah...."
(There's one in the party)
23:"and then of course there are those pacifist hippy races that are basically nothing but elves being all morally annoying with their speeches."
22:"23..."
(There's one in the party)
23:"Or y'know one of those alien races who take a single trait waaaaay too far in their society to the exclusion of all else."
22:"...I don't think...."
(There's one from a race obsessed with cooking in the party)
23:"As well as those strange races of mystics who seem be magical and mysterious in that they seem more and less advanced than us at the same time."
(Exist in the setting)
23:"And of course humans are always portrayed as milquetoast everymen with no redeeming or failing traits just to be "relatable" that cliche is just as annoying as all the rest. Or robots that are so human that there might as well be no difference. Glad that the reality is better than that."
22:*Face Palms*
(Basically how humans work in this setting, also 22 and 23 are cyborgs who can pass for regular human despite being mostly machine, so...)
23:"...22 whats wrong? You seem frustrated about something."
22:"....Nothing just.....nevermind."
23"Ok then, where's Return of Jaffar...."

Not mentioned are the Race of humanoids with reality warping powers(there's one in the party), the inexplicable hybrid of a human and a race that is far to different from humans to have been capable of reproducing with one(there's one in the party), or the Race of ultra powerful beings who inspired godly legends on Earth(They exist in the setting and we're on talking terms with one of them)

DigoDragon

2016-02-18, 10:41 AM

He's done and smurfed it.

Haha!

Noice. What level does Find Steed Find Bear come at?

It's a 2nd level Paladin spell, though I can't remember off the top of my head when they get access to that. I did rule that a black bear is one possible choice for the spell.

I know that somewhere, my old WoW guildmaster would cringe at this.

I cringed a little, mostly cause the dice were so damn nice to them. Nothing but good rolls, letting them steamroll through the encounter.

Mutazoia

2016-02-18, 10:50 AM

The party druid turned into a bear and one of the paladins rode him into battle. :3

So the Druid was completely bear when the Paladin mounted him, firmly gripping the freshly oiled shaft of his lance, feeling the Druids heavily muscled flanks rippling between his thighs....

Ajax: Incoming transmission from the planet. They appear to be signalling their surrender.
Blake: (jogs onto the bridge) On screen!
GM: The panic stricken face of the Field Marshall flickers in to view "Cease fire! We...are you NAKED!?"
Blake: Very observant, Field Mouse!
Field Marshall: Why in the hell are you naked at a time like this?
Blake: I've been alone on this ship for three days. A better question is why wasn't I naked the moment the rest of the crew was on the other side of the air-lock!
Field Marshall: I knew it! Your MAD!
Blake: Actually no...I'm in quite a good mood at the moment. This is really doing it for me. In fact, I may never wear clothes again!
Oberon: (From "off screen") YOU BETTER BE WEARING PANTS WHEN WE GET BACK UP THERE!

*****

GM: You finally dock back on the ship. As the air-lock opens, you are greeted by a very chipper Blake, completely naked except for a pair of pants belted around his head. He appears to have dressed up the pant-legs to look like rabbit ears.
Blake: Hiya, hot-stuff! How's the arm?
Oberon: Dammit, Blake! I told you to be dressed when we got back!
Blake: (In his best John Cleese voice) Ah. What you said was that I had better be wearing pants. If you wanted me to wear them in a specific fashion, you should have said.
Süla: So that's what a male looks like naked? Interesting....
Fritz: Oh God...he's corrupting the amazon....
Satella: Sula's a lesbian! She's not supposed to be interested in naked men!
Süla: Actually, Süla's entire species is female. It's not that she's opposed to the idea of sex with men....she's just never been exposed to the idea before.
Blake: Well...she's getting "exposed" to it now.
Everybody at the table besides Süla: :smallyuk:
Süla: Yeah...in fact she just might - OH! I just got that....
Satella: *sigh* I'm going to go to the med bay to get my arm fixed. Blake please go get dressed properly.
Blake: Right-oh! *Blake saunters down the corridor towards his cabin, singing a jaunty tune* I got no pants to hold me down, see my willy bounce around! It bounces up, and it bounces down, I got no pants on me!

*****

Satella: If this is the kind of stuff you come up with sober, I would love to play with you while your drunk.
Blake: :amused:
Satella: That's not what I meant! :redface:

Fable Wright

2016-02-18, 11:00 AM

It's a 2nd level Paladin spell, though I can't remember off the top of my head when they get access to that. I did rule that a black bear is one possible choice for the spell.

It comes online at level 5, the level everyone but Crossguard gets a dramatic power boost.

So the Druid was completely bear when the Paladin mounted him, firmly gripping the freshly oiled shaft of his lance, feeling the Druids heavily muscled flanks rippling between his thighs....

DM: “Eh, it's too easy a trap.”
[B]Spirit: “Bad human, this is about battlebears, not innuendos!”

Taet

2016-02-18, 02:54 PM

Saturday:
P5: Interesting undead minis. Oh! That one's the flesh construct, isn't it...
(pause)
Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee
hee hee hee hee hee hee hee
P1: And this is why she will never be allowed to play a mad scientist. :smallannoyed:
P5: hee hee hee hee hee hee

Wednesday:
P5: Alright, fine, I'll play something else. Surprise me.
P1: (shuffles)
P5: And take spiderboy out. :smallyuk:
P1: (picks a card) And you are playing...the mad scientist. :smallfrown:
P5: Oh, glee! :smallbiggrin:

Gene: Oh no, I see wear this is going. Anything that's worn under most clothing that's talking is practically asking for trouble if you wear it. I don't care if it radiates blinding amount of good, I aint touching it.
I just want to say that I love everything Shadowrun that you post here. And that I borrowed the "shoot all your problems away" song where it is making a lot of undead very unhappy. :smallcool:

Blake: Actually no...I'm in quite a good mood at the moment. This is really doing it for me. In fact, I may never wear clothes again!
Oberon: (From "off screen") YOU BETTER BE WEARING PANTS WHEN WE GET BACK UP THERE!

*****

Blake: Right-oh! *Blake saunters down the corridor towards his cabin, singing a jaunty tune* I got no pants to hold me down, see my willy bounce around! It bounces up, and it bounces down, I got no pants on me!
And now I have a song for the other problem I seem to keep having around the undead. :smallredface:

goto124

2016-02-18, 07:25 PM

I did rule that a black bear is one possible choice for the spell [Find Steed].

Do they also get spirit bears (http://raincoast.org/wp-content/uploads/KermodeBears_mm7747_007-low.jpg)? They're essentially black bears, but refluffed to be white.

And now I have a song for the other problem I seem to keep having around the undead. :smallredface:

Turn Undead!

AdmiralCheez

2016-02-18, 11:10 PM

Julio: This bear insulted my honor!
{Takes a bite and a claw to the face}
Oof! And it is backing up those words!

Mordai: I booped the snoot!

Julio: I lay unconscious on the ground in a dramatic fashion.

Derro Prisoner: You smell!
Finley: So do you!
Derro Prisoner: No I don't!
Finley: How do you not smell? You're tiny!
Derro Prisoner: That's a non-sequitor!
Finley: What?
Derro Prisoner: Am I under arrest?
Mordai: No, you're under a hammer! (Places warhammer above his head)
Derro Prisoner: Merrick is going to kill you!
Finley: Aha! We have a name!
Derro Prisoner: No! Forget I said anything!
Finley: Too late, now he's going to kill you!
Derro Prisoner: Noooooo! (Knocks himself unconcious)

DM: When everyone wakes up, it appears that the bard is dead.
Finley: Not gonna lie, he was the most useful of us.
Mordai: Yeah, we kinda suck.

DM: Since you all decided it was a good idea to rest in the cave of madness, we now have a mute spellcaster, a blind archer, a dead bard, and the warrior thinks he's invisible.

Mordai (resigned): I have to. I am the best at Sparta-kicking derro.
DM: Roll a Leonidas.

DM: And out of the ceiling drops a beholder!
Finley: Oh god, you're kidding right? What are we actually fighting?
DM: A beholder.

Gallade

2016-02-19, 03:04 AM

DM:"The slurk spits a gob of mucus at your feet, and your legs are immobilized."
Antipaladin:"I try to shake it off."
DM:"Strength check."
Antipaladin fails.
Monk:"My turn. Can I try to free him?"
DM:"Go ahead."
(Monk succeeds the Strength check)
Monk:"In Soviet Varisia, monks beat YOU out of the snot!"

Bard:"So how are you (LG, religious Conjurer) and Scilla (Succubus possessing her) getting along?"
Conjurer:"We have found an...agreement of sorts. I tolerate her unhortodox fighting methods (Read: Kiss to drain every humanoid enemy) and she doesn't complain when I pray or go to churches."
Succubus:"It still makes me sick."
Conjurer:"Then I thank Sarenrae you haven't made good on that promise to puke on my soul."
Succubus:"Not for lack of trying!"

RCgothic

2016-02-19, 06:00 AM

DM: A few minutes into Lauren's watch, Katya (the girl you rescued from the vrock demon) stretches, rolls over, rises, and pads over to Lauren.
Katya: "The ground's not very comfortable. You mind if I keep watch with you for awhile?"
Lauren: "No, that's okay. I don't mind having company."
DM: Katya sits next to Lauren and they chat quietly for awhile! About... girl things! Or... adventurer things! Or both! Katya turns out not to be very knowledgeable about a lot of the things Lauren is very knowledgeable about, so we're not talking, like, high-level magic theory talk here. It turns out Katya's got a surprisingly keen mind, but she's no wizard.
DM: Katya even offers to brush and braid Lauren's hair for her! Katya's own hair is not very long, but she's nonetheless good at braiding. She'll do Lauren's blonde hair up in a semi-elaborate braid. It'll keep the dungeon dust and muck from mussing up her hair! Stylish and practical!
DM: Katya then proceeds to begin to give Lauren a backrub.
Lauren: "Katya, what's going on?" *fails sense motive*
Katya: "Oh! I just... Well, I just wanted to... you know... show my appreciation?"
DM: She grins flirtatiously. This code is easy enough to decipher: Katya's ulterior motive appears to be a desire to get kissy with Lauren. Remind me, Lauren's pretty young for an elf?
Lauren: I hate to admit it, but I'm only one hundred and six; barely considered an adult among my people.
DM: So basically a teenager.
Lauren: This is going to suck, isn't it?

DigoDragon

2016-02-19, 08:02 AM

Do they also get spirit bears (http://raincoast.org/wp-content/uploads/KermodeBears_mm7747_007-low.jpg)?

Getting an 404 there.

Julio: I lay unconscious on the ground in a dramatic fashion.

I like Julio's style. :smallbiggrin:
Also the part later about the beholder. XD "I roll Will to disbelieve!"

Monk:"In Soviet Varisia, monks beat YOU out of the snot!"

*Snerk* Not a bad line.

Lauren: I hate to admit it, but I'm only one hundred and six; barely considered an adult among my people.
DM: So basically a teenager.
Lauren: This is going to suck, isn't it?

Elf aging is awkward.

Crossguard: “I need to Smite, and the spell slots of a second level full caster will be helpful for powering Smites. Sometimes you just need to detonate a fool.”

Trace: “I had a German chocolate cake last night, and got to use a Mace of Disruption it was awesome.”
DM: “Why was your chocolate cake affected by a Mace of Disruption?” O.o`

Trace: “I have but one question for you. How do you feel about dresses?”
Frostbite: “I feel that... they are things that some other ponies wear?”

DM: “So, have we a plan of attack? Or at least 12% of a plan to go search the docks?”
Beryl: “If I understand it right, the current ideas are to throw bears at vampires or to play dress-up. Or both at the same time.”
Crossguard: “I doubt Spirit would be willing to wear a dress while wildshaped.”
Trace: “Spirit won't wear a dress, Spirit will wear a tutu as with bear tradition.”

DM: “Then again, if your town has [both] a paladin organization of knights AND a cabal of vampire spawn, then someone is either not doing their job or doing their job too well.”

DM: “Speaking of thinking, I asked myself ‘If I were a PC, what mount would I want in Ponaria?’ I narrowed it down so far to a giant lizard or a dire wolf.”
Spirit: “How is a bear not in the running? Or a dire bear. Or a triceratops. Or, heck, a T-rex. PCs love T-rexes, almost as much as halflings love velociraptors. Oooh, no, dragon.”
DM: “Well, the giant lizard idea could be more.... velociraptor I guess? Those are pretty cool. Having a dragon mount would probably make me cry as a DM; Flight, magic, super intelligence, strength, multiple attacks, etc.”
Crossguard: “If Crossguard were to take a mount, she'd want a Leonal.”
DM: “Speaking of making DMs cry...”
Trace: “In the talk of mounts, nothing beats an Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant.”

goto124

2016-02-19, 08:14 AM

Getting an 404 there.

Reuploaded to imgur (http://i.imgur.com/lUFVX6Y.jpg). Both bears are Ursus americanus (known colloquially as black bears), the spirit bear is the white variant.

RCgothic

2016-02-19, 08:39 AM

Elf aging is awkward.

Not the major problem with this scene though. :smalleek:

DigoDragon

2016-02-19, 09:12 AM

Not the major problem with this scene though. :smalleek:

No? Wonder what then...

*Thinks 4th dimensionally*

...Katya isn't just an ordinary 'person', is she? o_o

RCgothic

2016-02-19, 10:47 AM

...Katya isn't just an ordinary 'person', is she? o_o

Blatantly obvious succubus is blatant. Oblivious teenager just thinks girl likes her. I suggested I deserved bonus xp for following this through to it's horrifying conclusion.

Inevitability

2016-02-19, 12:29 PM

My latest campaign introduces the players to the wondrous world of D&D 3.5! The players are, in no particular order:

-NG Halfling mystic ranger with a wolf companion and a shortbow.
-NE Dwarven cleric who, after some 'interesting' character choices, is now yellow-skinned, deformed, and obese.
-CG Human conjurer specialized in summoning.
-NG Venerable dragonwrought kobold druid/wizard (planning to go Mystic Theurge and Arcane Hierophant) with two swindlespitter dinosaur companions and a character progression spreadsheet more detailed than most of my plot notes. I'll be referring to him as 'druid' to avoid confusion.

Ranger: I just realized I require a divine focus for some of my spells. What do rangers use for that?
Me: The default would be holly and mistletoe, which is free and effectively weightless. Just add some to your sheet.
Ranger: Cool. I'll take ten sprigs of mistletoe, just to be sure.
Me: I guess so.
Ranger: No wait, a hundred sprigs.
Me: Look, there's 'free and weightless' and there's...
Ranger: I WANT ARMOR MADE OUT OF MISTLETOE! MISTLETOE FOR THE MISTLETOE GOD!

Druid: One of my dinosaurs is carrying my oil and rations, while the other is carrying my rope and bedroll.
Me: You hit your encumbrance limits during character creation, didn't you?
Druid: What makes you think so?

Cleric: I grapple the kobold!
Me: Nooooooooo (http://www.nooooooooooooooo.com/)!

Ranger: You know, we're actually a pretty typical group. There's a human, a halfling, a dwarf and an elf.
Me: That's a kobold.
Ranger: I know.

Me: I just realized you only killed one person and maimed another this session. That's got to be some kind of record.

AdmiralCheez

2016-02-19, 01:09 PM

I like Julio's style. :smallbiggrin:

Yeah, Julio is actually one of the more fun characters I've played. Although it's hard not to have fun when your character concept is Zorro as an overly-dramatic bard.

Also the part later about the beholder. XD "I roll Will to disbelieve!"

Maybe if we believe hard enough in its non-existence, it'll go away! I can see our party trying that.

DigoDragon

2016-02-19, 01:30 PM

Blatantly obvious succubus is blatant.

I would of totally fallen for it. >.>

I suggested I deserved bonus xp for following this through to it's horrifying conclusion.

Ahh, horrifying... conclusion? o.o
I hope we hear more quotes from that! Sounds like a dozy of a tale.

Yeah, Julio is actually one of the more fun characters I've played. Although it's hard not to have fun when your character concept is Zorro as an overly-dramatic bard.

Waiiiit. Are you suggesting bards aren't overly-dramatic by default? :smallbiggrin:

AdmiralCheez

2016-02-19, 02:05 PM

Waiiiit. Are you suggesting bards aren't overly-dramatic by default? :smallbiggrin:

Well, if you're playing them right, that's the default. My group has actually had very few bards, and all of them have been super serious diplomats/schemers for some reason.

RCgothic

2016-02-19, 05:32 PM

Ahh, horrifying... conclusion? o.o

Naive elf girl gets seduced by succubus against her player's best judgement, gets her soul drained to within a whisker of death. To be honest the rest of this story doesn't go well in quotes, but I'm amazed we got out of it alive considering:

1) She was buffed up on elf soul.
2) Even after this she managed to charm the entire party.
3) Three of the four party members were casters at midnight after a long and resource-intensive adventuring day, and had diddly squat to contribute.
4) The final party member was effectively CR2 vs a CR6 monster.
5) He decided to strip out of his armour to fight her Queensbury Rules style.
6) It worked!

Taet

2016-02-19, 07:41 PM

A: Where is [B]?
C: He's in the air.
D: Aerosolized. There was a hiccup with the transporter.
*D recommends a mask with a filter
A: ewww
C: and they said chem trails weren't cause for paranoia... it's made of PEOPLE! :smalleek:

DCraw

2016-02-20, 03:24 AM

In Age of Rebellion:

GM: You see two troopers heading from the outpost towards [your location]
P1: Can I see what their uniforms look like?
GM: They're ISB, but low ranking.
P2: I switch the stairs from stun to kill.

PoeticDwarf

2016-02-20, 04:29 AM

Gallade

2016-02-20, 06:30 AM

Bard:"I salvage all spent arrows on the field."
(roll roll)
DM:"You salvage 7"
Bard:"There were archers in the enemy ranks too, right?"
DM:"Yeah."
Bard:"I take all their arrows."
DM:"Okay, you get (roll roll) 23 more arrows from them"
Bard:"I ask Sotaar if they got some more arrows in the fortress."
Sotaar:"Don't you already have enough arrows."
Bard:"You don't get it. The God of Badgers has it in for me. And by the time he decides to fight me face to face...I WILL NEVER HAVE ENOUGH ARROWS!"
DM:"By the way, you leveled up from the last enemy. You can pick your abilities and new spells..."
Bard:"ABUNDANT AMMUNITION!"

(Fighting a horde of Morlock)
Monk:"Can't we get some help?"
Succubus:"What do you expect me to do?"
Monk:"Do your kiss attack on a couple of them, maybe?"
Succubus:"Have you LOOKED at them? No thanks, I have standards."
Monk:"But I thought you...huh..."
Conjurer and Succubus:".....racist."

Warrior:"Don't freak out guys, but I sorta have been carrying a decomposing orc head in my backpack for the last two weeks."

Mutazoia

2016-02-20, 09:27 AM

Blake: I -
Everybody: No!
Blake: "No" what?
Oberon: Don't kill him!
Blake: :smallfrown: But -
Satella: NO! Do not kill him just for fun. Do not shoot him with your gun. Do not stab him in the back, or use the weapons in your pack. Do not kick him in the face, and especially not that "other" place. Do not choke him with his tongue, or threaten to make him eat his young. Do you have any idea how mad I am? Do not kill this green skinned man!
Blake: And you guys say I'm the crazy one.

Feddlefew

2016-02-20, 10:57 AM

Khaiel

2016-02-20, 11:13 AM

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: This is reminding me of Shimoneta. That's not a good thing.

Captain Longsword: We should choose now. Do we ally with the Holy Empire of Abel or with the Azur Alliance?
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: So the choice is between allying with a fifteen year old teen that I can seduce or black fantasy Hitler? I choose the fifteen year old teen, thank you.
GM: So black fantasy Hitler it is.
Pilot Cain: But I was already drawing the porny fanart!

GM: As you go looking for the Pilot and Doc, you can hear Cain's voice coming from a room. *Rolls Notice check* You can hear something like "Zoidberg-dono yamete!"

GM, noticing the stack of character sheets under a "Bring out yer dead!" sign: And that is because..?
All: Characters for the Character God! Sheets for the Sheet Throne!

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: You updated the Dropbox folder and put a very scary character sheet under the name "BBEG.xlsx".
First Mate Dunkel: Also, here's a written complaint from Cain, the Captain and me. We thought Doc was the BBEG.

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: OPEN THE MARMOT CAGE!

Captain Longsword: Doc, this might be dangerous... Please, lead the way.

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: "You will always remember this day, as the day you ALMOST caught Dr Doctor Zoidberg!", and after saying that, I kiss the Arbiter. Rolling Seduction too. *I roll and the dice gods smile upon me.*
GM: All hail Zoidberg, master of Freelancers, lord of open rolls and prophet of Anima. I am out of words.

I am having so much fun playing Dr Doctor Zoidberg. It's sort of like playing Deadpool, only even more awesome.

goto124

2016-02-20, 11:25 AM

First Mate Dunkel: Also, here's a written complaint from Cain, the Captain and me. We thought Doc was the BBEG.

http://i.imgur.com/eO1melE.png

Pilot Cain: But I was already drawing the pony fanart! Okay... I misread that word. Oh dear.

Khaiel

2016-02-20, 11:40 AM

http://i.imgur.com/eO1melE.png

Okay... I misread that word. Oh dear.

Thankfully, I'm the only one from that group that reads these forums... Or Dr Doctor Zoidberg being called "Doc" for short would be really confusing.

ZeroGear

2016-02-20, 12:22 PM

More pants shenanigans:

Rogue: "I have an Idea! Everyone quick, hide in my pants!"

Paladin: "This is a bad idea."
R: "Why?"
P: "I heard those item's don't allow air into them."
R: "Oh no, it's fine. My pants breathe."
Sorcerer: "So it'll only be bad if he farts."

R: "Alright, time to sneak into the city."
Druid: "Admittedly, this pan isn't as bad as I though it would be."
Bard: "And this gives a whole new meaning to the term 'party in my pants'."

R: "I try to be as polite as possible as I feign ignorance to the guard."
B: "We can hear this, right?"
R: "I...think so?"
DM: "The pants allow you to hear the outside, it's just a little muffled."
B: "Does that mean they had hear us in here?"
DM: "Again, yes, and also muffled."
B: *grinning* I pull out my flugelhorn and blow it."
Everyone else: "You WHAT?"
B: "I blow my horn."
DM: "Halfway though the conversation, the guard hears a loud blast erupting from [Rogue's] posterior region."
Guard: "My gods man, have sone decency!"

R: "I take off my pants and hide in them."

DigoDragon

2016-02-20, 12:41 PM

5) He decided to strip out of his armour to fight her Queensbury Rules style.
6) It worked!

Wow. O.o
Give that PC a level up for saving the party!

D: Aerosolized. There was a hiccup with the transporter.
*D recommends a mask with a filter

That is... ewww. D:

Pilot Cain: But I was already drawing the porny fanart!

I am having so much fun playing Dr Doctor Zoidberg. It's sort of like playing Deadpool, only even more awesome.

Pfft ha ha ha! You have an awesome group! :smallbiggrin:
And yeah, it seems you are really having fun with your character.

http://i.imgur.com/eO1melE.png

Okay... I misread that word. Oh dear.

*Spittakes drink* XD

Thankfully, I'm the only one from that group that reads these forums... Or Dr Doctor Zoidberg being called "Doc" for short would be really confusing.

Heh, it would, yeah. ^^;
Sounds like a lot of fun confusion though.

More pants shenanigans:
Rogue: "I have an Idea! Everyone quick, hide in my pants!"
Bard: "And this gives a whole new meaning to the term 'party in my pants'."
DM: "The pants allow you to hear the outside, it's just a little muffled."
R: "I take off my pants and hide in them."

Well, that certainly delivered as advertised!

Beryl: *whistles innocently* “Nothing to see, just feeding my character's heroic fantasies a lot. So that's... three different personalities I have to keep track of now. Beryl, inner scared child Beryl, and the CRYSTAL CRUSADER. A couple more and Beryl's mind could form its own adventuring party.”

Spirit: “Please tell me you'll use Thunderous Smite with the flugelhorn.”

Midnight: “Don't forget, Midnight also has Turn Undead. With some helpful dice and the right situation, that could get something like half the enemy forces off our backs.”
Spirit: “Dice rollers, why you bring me pain.” D:
DM: “The RNG likes to watch us squirm.”
Frostbite: “I may not know any divination spells, but I forsee a problem...”
Spirit: *Adds prayer dance to list of rites to perform before rolling forum dice*
DM: “My experience with rolls as a player is that the RNG isn't very 'R' and the N stands for Nuisance.”

Beryl: “I roll a 19 on Initiative and I go THIRD from our group? That's impressive.”

Spirit: “That was the plan regardless. What would you do while we attempt to free Ace? Head to the Circle with Frostbite? Take a nap in safety? Commandeer a war-beast to ride into and out of battle? Do as a shaman and grow some gills? That is what I need to know.”

Crossguard: “I'll head to the Circle with Frostbite. With what Trace and I saw, there's too much at stake to leave him undefended.”
Frostbite: “Out of the frying pan, into another, larger frying pan.”
Trace: “Not even time to rest. You owe me for playing recon.”
Spirit: “What were you doing the past half hour if not resting?”
Trace: “Wasting ten gold to get two vials of who knows what. Also running from people wanting to kill Spacey over there.”

Beryl: “Greetings! My friend told me you needed help on a daring rescue? The CRYSTAL CRUSADER shall aid you!”
Trace: “Oh my god I'm travelling with crazy people.”

Inevitability

2016-02-20, 04:18 PM

Cleric: So that's a total intimidate roll of... 39. I assume I frighten that guy?
Me: Actually, you don't.
Everyone: Crap.

NRSASD

2016-02-21, 04:21 AM

This may be violating the no context rule, but our party lost their clothing while investigating (read "were sucked into due to a planar accident in the sewers") a fae's boudoir. While the cleric made a poncho out of the curtains and the fighter improvised, the wizard decided to gut a human-sized teddy bear and climbed inside. Henceforth, it shall be referred to as the "bear suit"

DM: The stuffed rabbit in the corner lurches to life, shambling to its feet to bludgeon [Fighter] with its fuzzy paws. [Wizard], your bear suit begins to twitch as it struggles to free itself from you. Roll a strength check.
Wizard: Nearly fails
DM: He's having to fight for every action. He's bearly in control!

After receiving the 5th letter wherein the villain gloats over her revenge on her lover, whom she mistook [Fighter] for
Cleric: Is there any paper on the desk?
DM: Sure, a couple pages and a quill as well.
Cleric: We should write a note back.
Wizard: I know just the thing scribbles on paper. I take a knife and stake this to the desk.
DM: What's it say?
Wizard:
After the rain
Comes the rainbow
Sorry I killed your Bear
And wore its skin as a suit
[Wizard] :(

DM: A note appears in the air before you as you open the door. It reads: I suppose you will have to find something else to love once I’m through with you. I’ve given you some options. Everyone roll saving throws.
Wizard: rolls a critical failure
DM: You see the most beautiful table you've ever laid eyes upon
Wizard: Beautiful like I want to own it or beautiful like I want to marry it?
DM: The latter
Wizard: ... I roll to seduce the table
DM: Your advances makes the table feel awkward and it just sits there mute, unsure of how to respond

DM: You come to, sprawled across the table, stroking it gently and whispering sweet nothings into the wood
Wizard: I pat my bear suit to reassure it that the table meant nothing to me
Cleric: Great. Our wizard is at the center of a love triangle with two inanimate objects
Wizard: Hey, the bear was animate!
Cleric: Til you ripped out its guts and placed yourself inside!

goto124

2016-02-21, 06:07 AM

Spirit: “Please tell me you'll use Thunderous Smite with the flugelhorn.”

B: *grinning* I pull out my flugelhorn and blow it."
Everyone else: "You WHAT?"
B: "I blow my horn."
DM: "Halfway though the conversation, the guard hears a loud blast erupting from [Rogue's] posterior region."
Guard: "My gods man, have some decency!"

Behold, the Pantshorn Paladin!

Wait... do any of the ponies wear pants?

PoeticDwarf

2016-02-21, 07:12 AM

Cleric: So that's a total intimidate roll of... 39. I assume I frighten that guy?
Me: Actually, you don't.
Everyone: Crap.

It also was the first skill check in the whole campaign... on level 2

Me I think the fact that he randomly murders people doesn't mean he can't work together with us

DigoDragon

2016-02-21, 09:45 AM

Cleric: So that's a total intimidate roll of... 39. I assume I frighten that guy?
Me: Actually, you don't.

Failed on a 39? Gravy... :smalleek:

While the cleric made a poncho out of the curtains and the fighter improvised, the wizard decided to gut a human-sized teddy bear and climbed inside. Henceforth, it shall be referred to as the "bear suit"

*Snerk* At least the context was entertaining. :3

Wait... do any of the ponies wear pants?

None that I've described so far. Some of the armors have a skirt-like appearance (http://pre10.deviantart.net/1de9/th/pre/f/2015/259/4/4/sassy_saddles_by_koolfrood-d99d84d.png).

DM: “I believe Crossguard and Frostbite have the allies-part covered, assuming Frost doesn't detour to investigate the shipment of coffins he saw.”
Frostbite: “Tempting, but considering what Frost does and doesn't know it seems unlikely he'd have an IC reason to do so.”
DM: “You can lead a pony to the 10' x 10' room, but you can't force them to loot.”

DM: “Which reminds me, I really should build a map for the combat. ...and the town. ...and the Fetloch area.”
Spirit: “It's okay Digo. You can use the map I do (https://nypdecider.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/imagination.gif?w=500) when I run a game.”

Beryl: “Should I worry about the bear taking damage? Or can Spirit self-rebear?”
DM: “Self-Rebear is totally the new word of the day now.”

Trace: “Trace flies his cloud down a bit and aims for one of the zombies on deck. Just a warning shot. It’s not his fault if it gets in the way of the arrow.”

Spirit: “Trace, King of Crits.”
Trace: “Aaaaand adding another 2d6 because I am the god of criticals.”
DM: “Dear sweet Solaria the dice love you all this combat. By the time Crossguard and Frost get here with back up, the knights will be able to find the runaway sailors by following the trail of pee.”

goto124

2016-02-21, 10:01 AM

DM: “Which reminds me, I really should build a map for the combat. ...and the town. ...and the Fetloch area.”
Spirit: “It's okay Digo. You can use the map I do (https://nypdecider.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/imagination.gif?w=500) when I run a game.”

Is this what 5e calls Theater of the Mind?

Gallade

2016-02-21, 05:46 PM

I call this...the trilogy of the Bard with way, way too many ranks in Diplomacy.

DM:"You can convince those clerics to join your cause. Talk to each of them."
Bard:"I've got this. Excuse me, would you mind..." (Blah blah)
(Good Diplomacy roll)
Bard:"Okay, on to the next. Excuse me sir, we're looking for..." (Blah blah)
(Great Diplomacy roll)
Bard:"Yeah, I think I got the hang of it. The last one is that girl over there. Ahem...M'lady"
(Natural 1 Diplomacy roll)
Cleric:"You swine!"
(Bard gets slapped HARD)
DM:"I think the d20 heard you."

Bard:"I try recruiting the mercenary."
Bard:"I try recruiting the town guard."
Bard:"I try recruiting the barkeep"
Bard:"I try recruiting the gazebo"
DM"Excuse...me?"
Bard:"I want to recruit the gazebo. If it has HP, it comes with me."
DM"Okay...roll for Diplomacy...if you get a nat 20 you get to keep it."
(Guess what.)
Bard:"We did it!Bring it back to the fortress now."

Mayor:(On the brink of defeat) "You will answer for this!"
DM:"It's your turn"
Bard:"I clear my throat. Mr. Mayor, as you may not know, we are currently in the midst of a valiant endeavor to restore peace and justice and oppose those who would threaten the land, and any contribution you may offer would be welcome.
DM:"...roll Diplomacy"
(20)
DM:"...the Mayor tosses you his wallet."
Bard:"Did I just. Coerce him into giving us his money. IN THE MIDDLE OF COMBAT."
DM:"You know you did."
http://i.imgur.com/hoiFBYU.png

(Bonus!)
Bard:"Guys, we're home! Where's Goraanstin?"(Young green dragon)
Warrior:"Well, this gazebo just popped out of nowhere, and he's taken...a liking to it."
Goraanstin:"I don't want to leave, EVER."
Monk:"Oh, let me in! I want to ride Goraanstin!"
Goraanstin:"GO AWAY HUMAN CUB, HE'LL GET JEALOUS!"

ZeroGear

2016-02-21, 06:01 PM

Bard (Samson): *falls in river with fast moving current*
Paladin (Terra): *tries and fails to grab bard*
Samson: "I'll see you all later!" *gets swept down pipes*

...later...

DM: After a lot of watery twists and turns, and the water increasing to a very comfortable warmth, Samson's wild ride through the city pipes spurts him out into what appears to be a very elaborate bathing tub, about the size of a modern-day swimming pool. You can guess by the fine gold inlay and the white marble that it must belong to one of high class.
Samson: I cough, gag, and try to climb out of the pool.
DM: You hear a surprised grasp from behind you.
Samson: I'm probably going to regret this, but I slowly turn around.
DM: Sitting near the opposite side of tub, a vermillion towel just barely covering her well-proportioned body, is princess Selibell, the one you were hired to rescue. She seems a little surprised by your sudden appearance.
Samson: "Oh, hello, uh, princess. Um... This isn't what I expected. So...uh, I'm, uh, here to rescue you?"

Terra: "Dammit, how are going to get in there? The gate only opens from the inside."
Druid (Vick): "Hey, what about the catapult?"
Terra: "What about it?"
Vick: "Why don't we launch someone over the wall to unlock the gate?"
Rogue (Lance, owner of the Haversack Pants): "That sounds like a horrible idea."
Sorcerer (Xaltaer): "That actually sounds like a pretty good idea. I can cast Feather fall on whoever gets launched."
Lance: "Sure. and who would be dumb enough to volunteer for this"
**Everyone looks at Lance**
Lance: "Why is everyone looking at me? ... Why is everyone ALWAYS looking at me?"

DM: Sneaking down the hall, you can hear voices coming from behind one of the doors.
Lance: I press my ear to the door.
DM: You can hear two distinct voices, one is a young female. The other you recognize as your friend Samson.
Lance: What are they saying?
Selibell: "So, how do you hold this again?"
Samson: "You've got the basics, you just need to work on your technique a bit more."
Lance: "Guys, I think Samson's found the princess!"
Terra: I press my ear to the door.
Vick & Xaltaer: Ditto.
Samson: "Remember, you just need to control the pressure. Slide your left hand a little further down, and tighten your right a bit more. Remember to keep your lips tightly parted and take a deep breath before you blow. Don't mash your lips against the tip, just lightly kiss it..."
Terra: I draw my blade, kick the door open and yell, "What are you doing to the princess you lust-ridden parasite?!"
DM: As the door swings open, with everyone listening in falling flat on their face, you notice Samson and the princess sitting on a well-crated bed in a close embrace. The princess is holding Samson's Flugelhorn and seems to have been in the midst of playing it.
Samson: "Hey guys. I was just teaching Selibell how to play the horn."

Terra: "So, you were washed down the river and popped out in her bath?"
Samson: "That sums it up well."
Selibell: "He's been ever so wonderful. His sword technique is outstanding."
Terra: "You..."
Samson: "She asked my about my fighting style and I demonstrated some of the basic forms."
Selibell: "His horn was also quite impressive."
Terra: "Why..."
Samson: "I played a few tones on my horn for her. And I mean the one I am holding right here."
Selibell: "He's also got the softest hands."
Terra: "Samson, did you..."
Samson: "I gave her a massage."
Selibell: "And he's amazing in bed!"
Everyone: "..."
Samson: "...I have no excuse for that one."
Terra: "SAMSON!"

Head Priest: "At last, the ritual has begun! O mighty lord of nightmares, bringer of the black dawn, we gift you this virgin sacrifice to...
Samson (tied to a pillar): "Hey hold up!"
Priest: "You dare interrupt me?"
Samson: "Yeah, well, did you just say 'virgin' sacrifice?"
Priest: "Yes, why?"
Samson: "Hate to tell you, but the princess isn't a virgin anymore."
Priest: "You're lying!"
Samson: "Sorry, nope. I de-virginized her about two hours ago."
Selibell: "It was very pleasant."
Priest: "Dammit! Do you know how hard it is tracking down virgins of exceeding purity and devotion? Now I gotta send my minions all over the land, AGAIN, and track down a DIFFERENT virgin of sacred blood! Finding this one took months! How long do you think it's going to take to find another one?"
Vick (also tied to a post): "Looks like your tendency was useful after all."
Terra (also tied to a post): "I still don't approve."
Samson: "That's because you take yourself way too seriously. It causes nothing but stress. You need to loosen up a bit, have a few drinks, find a nice guy. You know, have fun."
Terra: "Some of us take our oath more seriously than you. I never have, and never will fall to such debauchery."
Priest: "Wait. You're a member of the Sacred Light knighthood, aren't you?"
Terra: "I am. And I am proud to embody their virtues."
Samson: "Terra, I don't think this is the time."
Priest: "Does that mean you are as pure in body as you are in deed?"
Samson: "Terra, don't answer that."
Terra: "I am as pure as any member of the order!"
Priest: "Perfect."
Samson and Vick: *groan*
Priest: "Minions, bring the other virgin forward and tie this one in her place!"
Terra: "Oh. Oops."
Samson: "Terra, when we get out of this, I'm going to de-virgin you for your own protection."

Khaiel

2016-02-21, 06:43 PM

First Mate Dunkel: Doc, we got you a present. A giant, poisonous, ant.
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: How did you know it was my birthday?

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: I leave for five minutes. Five RL minutes. And you guys are down to the negatives and half dead.
GM: This is the first party that can only stay alive when the BBEG is around...

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Anyway, what did I miss?
Captain Longsword: Dunkel was drugged and he started fighting Cain. Cain knocked him unconscious, though.
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Dunkel? Unconscious? How?
Pilot Cain: Cannon ball to the head. Several times. In quick succession.

the OOD

2016-02-21, 06:52 PM

Helvetica Jones: I cast Mass Invert Person!
Patrick McCrelley: what?
Helvetica: 30' radius spell, it teleports all creatures who fail a DC 22 will save. the teleport range is zero, so they don't go anywhere, but I do get to determine the angle they emerge from the teleport at, namely... flipped upside down.
Patrick: *laughing* that... actually works.

GM: *rolls dice*
Director Barca: your next deployment will be in Dhaka, Bangladesh.
Players: *burst out laughing*:smallbiggrin:
Owen Lysaght: let me get my guns.
Helvetica Jones: anyone got an AK-47 I can borrow?
Mr. T: I grab my rifle and my Brenn gun, next stop: DAKA!:smallbiggrin:

Patrick's player: I was talking with [the creator of Universal Decay], and I learned that only three players have ever killed a dragon in this system, and we're are all in this room.
Patrick, Helvetica, and Adam's players: *HIGH FIVE!*

Gallade

2016-02-22, 03:46 AM

Bandit gunner:(Aiming at Monk)"Now I want you to ask yourself a question. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?
(Bandit rolls a 1, gun jams and explodes in his hand)
Monk:"Yes."

Spider-eater:"I told you, each one of them asks for 8 gold coins per month, plus 2 for life insurance."
Antipaladin:"So, 20 times 8...eighty?"
Spider-eater:"One hundred. 80 for the manpower, and 20 for the insurance."
Warrior:"Fine, here's 100 gp. We'll take all twenty of them"
DM:"Spider-eater takes your payment and rounds up 20 armed mercenaries, now at your disposal."

(Fast forward to the following day, reading the game logs)

DM:"20 times eight is...WAIT A SEC! They SCAMMED him!"

(And that's how they scammed a mercenary trader so good not even the DM realized it)

DigoDragon

2016-02-22, 08:04 AM

Is this what 5e calls Theater of the Mind?

I suppose it does now. :3

Bard:"Did I just. Coerce him into giving us his money. IN THE MIDDLE OF COMBAT."
DM:"You know you did."

That's a neat trick. The earlier 1 on Diplomacy was pretty funny too.

Pilot Cain: Cannon ball to the head. Several times. In quick succession.

Oww. :smalleek:

Beryl: “You could edit the posts to make particularly bad rolls in Comic Sans, of course.”
DM: “Comic Sans? Well let's not be unreasonable here.”

Midnight: “The zombies each have to make a DC 13 Con save, or take 4 thunder damage and be pushed 10 feet.”
DM: “Let's see how well this goes...”
Die Rolls: *[3][20][2][2][2] vs. DC 13*
DM: “Wow.”
Spirit: “Man those zombies are screwed.”

DM: “Enemy sniper Reflex save (rolls a 2)… No it doesn't matter. Toast.”

Spirit: “There was a brief moment as Spirit allowed mortal terror to sink in, before roaring, biting, then rending apart the pony who had probably just fallen on hard economic times and made some really, really bad decisions with their life.”
Beryl: “Where are you keeping the prisoner?! Speak fast! The bear has little patience left!”
Sailor: “Th-the prisoner is in the captain's room! Don't eat my head!”

DM: “The final zombie stands on the deck of the ship and starts looking around for Trace. (Rolls a 4) Instead it discovers it has hooves!”

Midnight: “Wow that was fast. …Do you smell burning?”

Beryl: “Do I need to roll anything for that post? I'm not exactly trying to convince anypony to do anything they don't want to, or getting into any fights, so…”
DM: “No roll is necessary since riding with a paladin on top of a battlebear is better than staying a prisoner to a group of assassins.”

Khaiel

2016-02-22, 09:39 AM

Oww. :smalleek:

He is still alive. Recovering, with a very bad headache, and under the care of Doctor Zoidberg's slave-nurses.

the OOD

2016-02-22, 05:35 PM

Helvetica Jones: don't hurt my babies!...I mean, hurt them just enough to kill them, but not enough to actually damage them.

Helvetica Jones: I draw an undead Velociraptor from my handbag.
non-player walking through the room: wait, what?

Patrick McCrelley: I wouldn't have cast "mass grant thumbs", I would have cast "genesis of spices: thumbed Velociraptor"

Adam Eden: how do we safely scout parallel dimensions?
Haywood Aquila: shove an intern through a portal?
Adam: eh, that works.
*later*
Helvetica: Haywood, can I borrow your phone?
Haywood: shure.
Helvetica: *duct-tapes Haywood's smartphone to the forehead of an undead a Velociraptor.*
Haywood: Velociraptor with the go-pro: it's a step up from an intern.

Helvetica Jones: the contents of my man-purse now include: a killer robot with higher CR than all the players combined, four swarms of flesh-eating nanites, 23 undead Velociraptors, and the corpses of dozens of our foes. at some point, this stopped being a handbag, and started being an extradimensional prison.

Helvetica Jones: I get one little necromancy book, and suddenly I need to change my title from "transit mage" to "dinomancer"

GM: it's hard to figure out what power level to base enemies around.
Patrick's player: oh?
GM: Owen can tank well, but is nearly top-of-the-charts in damage output, Adam can break the scales on anything, but only one thing at a time. Haywood and Mr.T are strong combatants who are good at everything, and Patrick's power level can be anywhere on the scale, depending on what he is morphed into. Helvetica kind of... wanders sideways off the chart and nonchalantly takes a piss in your house, and Maddy can't even be place on the scale, because technicians are so variable.
Haywood's player: ...fair point.

Gallade

2016-02-22, 06:41 PM

(Party has just rescued an archivist, but his captors have called for reinforcements. Party is weary after combat and there is an entire squad of archers taking potshots as soon as they peek out, swordsmen guarding their flanks and riflemen supporting from the back.)
(The sniper is shooting every other turn)
(The mage has been failing every spell with a 5% chance twice in a row already)
(The monk is frantically trying to find an opening)
(The bard just shot himself in the nose)
(The ninja rolled a 1 on damage with his bomb)
(The archivist takes a critical arrow and almost goes from full health to dying)
(The entrance is too narrow to attack them en masse)
(Antipaladin decides to do it)
Antipaladin:"I'm going to do something. Something really bad. Cover me with everything you've got."
(Mage summons an Earth elemental to tank for him, he scroll-casts Shield of faith on himself, he manages to survive the turn)
He confidently strides up to the unit of archers.
Antipaladin:"Channel negative energy."
He's level 5, he rolls 3d6 for damage.
6.
6.
6.
Archers (24 HP each and having taken a few hits already) fail their Will saving throw and get devastated. Their support takes heavy damage as well. About three quarters of the entire unit is obliterated. Soldiers are panicking. Everyone else is watching him from the windows.
Antipaladin:"Huh, so I can do that. Cool."

Necroticplague

2016-02-22, 08:11 PM

DM:.....
DM:Goddang, I did not consider how that sounded out loud.
Gene:*Immature snickering* If the timber stays overly-unyeilding for more than 4 years, please consult with an architect.
DM:*sighs* Done yet?
Gene:No, wait: Sure, I swear I have that problem sometimes too. Clearing it makes a great arm workout.
DM:Are you gonna drop this anytime soon?
Bruta: You know how this is, this will never go away.

the DM made the mistake of naming a place "The Mourningwood Forest" without considering how that sounds when spoken out loud. The jokes practically wrote themselves.

Diachronos

2016-02-23, 02:44 AM

Kobold alchemist/rogue: "Johnny, what's the DC to brew laxitives?"
DM: "Well, I don't think it'd be all that tough, it's probably not that high."
Kobold alchemist/rogue: "What's the DC to slip it into his coffee?"

"Okay, according to this map I can get from Port Peril to Quent in a double move."

DM: "It's a helm of underwater action."
Kobold: "Neat." *mimes putting on the helmet. After about 3 seconds, * "Now I need to look this up to see how stupid Kin looks in it."

PoeticDwarf

2016-02-23, 05:59 AM

Bandit gunner:(Aiming at Monk)"Now I want you to ask yourself a question. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?
(Bandit rolls a 1, gun jams and explodes in his hand)
Monk:"Yes."

WOW, this one's just fantastic. It reminds me of the time when all drows just rollend one and two fighting my monk.

DigoDragon

2016-02-23, 08:00 AM

and under the care of Doctor Zoidberg's slave-nurses.

He's got slave nurses? ...well, I guess that's better than being under Zoidberg's direct care. :smalltongue:

Helvetica Jones: don't hurt my babies!...I mean, hurt them just enough to kill them, but not enough to actually damage them.

Uh... what? O.o
This a necromancer thing?

He's level 5, he rolls 3d6 for damage.
6.
6.
6.

Nice roll!

"Okay, according to this map I can get from Port Peril to Quent in a double move."

Ranger: "If we take this blue road up six inches..."
GM: "That's a river!"

Spirit: “Your lack of Ahnold quotes disturbs me. You could have had any number of ‘Come with me if you want to live’, ‘I'll be back’, or ‘Get to da choppa’ references with any sort of variation or combinations...”
DM: “To flip this conversation over onto a different track, there is also a missed opportunity for an Invader Zim reference, specifically commanding Ace to ‘Ride the Bear’.”
Beryl: “I was thinking more of a Star Wars-y ‘I'm Luke Skywalker and I'm here to rescue you!’ style delivery.

Trace: “At least Spirit didn't turn into a moose inside a building. You can have your foes be stuck with a fate worse than death. Being in a room....with a MOOSE!”
DM: “That's the Spirit!” [/IntentionalPun]
Beryl: “Ow. That pun made me groan in real life. Excellent!”

Beryl: “I should probably add that I might be a bit distracted this weekend since XCOM 2 unlocks in seven hours. But I'll go check what's going on in between getting mauled by Chryssalids.”

Spirit: “Jack Bauer only has everyone trying to kill him for 24 hours once every few months. Bruce Willis got a whole year between Die Hard and Die Hard 2. We get around 16 hours. We're heroes! Can't we take a week off to rest and celebrate a festival before being surrounded by assassins and undead who want to kill us again?”

Beryl: “It could also be that she finds an NPC like Edna Mode and gets a custom made super-suit, even if that's pretty anachronistic.”
Spirit: “I mean, perhaps someone at the Rose Croix temple has a rather good croix-stitch.”

Trace: “Good use of using Frostbites personal quest to try and sway him over to the dark side. I approve.”
DM: “Pretty sure whatever a group of black-cloaked undead spawn are selling, Frost does not want.”

goto124

2016-02-23, 09:20 AM

Beryl: “It could also be that she finds an NPC like Edna Mode and gets a custom made super-suit, even if that's pretty anachronistic.”

One thing the super-suit will not have: capes!
Spirit: “I mean, perhaps someone at the Rose Croix temple has a rather good croix-stitch.”
Is that a-

Beryl: “Ow. That pun made me groan in real life. Excellent!”
Way too perfect.

DM: “Pretty sure whatever a group of black-cloaked undead spawn are selling, Frost does not want.”

I misread that as black-cloaked undead swans (https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/cc/7a/ce/cc7ace688c10e388a4aff75394cc0df6.jpg).

DigoDragon

2016-02-23, 09:48 AM

I misread that as black-cloaked undead swans (https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/cc/7a/ce/cc7ace688c10e388a4aff75394cc0df6.jpg).

I'm amazed you have an image for that o.o

goto124

2016-02-24, 01:06 AM

Such is the magic of Google!

DigoDragon

2016-02-24, 08:08 AM

Such is the magic of Google!

The Google-fu is strong in this one.

DM: “This is a long-standing cabal of professional assassins and they aren't going to just passively watch some nosy adventurers figure out their goals. They got places to go and people to murder in secrecy.”

Midnight: “As for Midnight's downtime, I'm totally game for spending more time with Rita, especially once the festival rolls around.”
DM: “Really?”
Cadance: *Reorganizes her shipping charts*

Crossguard: “Vampiric scum! Acquit yourselves in battle and I might bury your ashes!”
DM: “Well that escalated quickly.”
Crossguard: “Crossguard dun' mess around.”
Spirit: “...We are all completely and utterly screwed in this conflict. Crossguard, what were you thinking?”
DM: “Crossguard dun' mess around.”

Frostbite: “Making a chill touch attack, since I am almost certainly first.” *Rolls a 9*
DM: “Was hoping that would of hit.”
Frostbite: “Aye, you and me both. Shoulda opened with magic missile.”
DM: “There is always round 2! Where magic missile will hit before things become... unbearable.”
Trace: “I think you mean....unBEARable.”
DM: “See, my bear puns don't need the Caps Lock to work. In fact, it's just the... polar opposite.”
Beryl: “Emphasizing a pun like that is just grizzly anyway.
Midnight: “I just can't bear to partake in this tomfoolery.”
Spirit: “This? This is why I prefer to wildshape into giant spiders. Bear puns are easy, but I dare you all to work a spider rider joke into casual witticisms.
DM: “Ehhhh, arachnid humor tends to be... recluse.”
Spirit: “I'd give you +25 exp for effort, but first I'd need to clear the cobwebs from my old DM screen.”
Trace: “Whoever told you that was spinning you a web of lies.”
Crossguard: “Let me go search the Web to see what puns are spidered away. If they're sufficiently bad enough, I'll even give y'all warning to skitter away.”

Cristo Meyers

2016-02-24, 08:32 AM

Frostbite: “Making a chill touch attack, since I am almost certainly first.” *Rolls a 9*
DM: “Was hoping that would of hit.”
Frostbite: “Aye, you and me both. Shoulda opened with magic missile.”
DM: “There is always round 2! Where magic missile will hit before things become... unbearable.”
Trace: “I think you mean....unBEARable.”
DM: “See, my bear puns don't need the Caps Lock to work. In fact, it's just the... polar opposite.”
Beryl: “Emphasizing a pun like that is just grizzly anyway.
Midnight: “I just can't bear to partake in this tomfoolery.”
Spirit: “This? This is why I prefer to wildshape into giant spiders. Bear puns are easy, but I dare you all to work a spider rider joke into casual witticisms.
DM: “Ehhhh, arachnid humor tends to be... recluse.”
Spirit: “I'd give you +25 exp for effort, but first I'd need to clear the cobwebs from my old DM screen.”
Trace: “Whoever told you that was spinning you a web of lies.”
Crossguard: “Let me go search the Web to see what puns are spidered away. If they're sufficiently bad enough, I'll even give y'all warning to skitter away.”

... y'all are evil. :smalltongue:

Khaiel

2016-02-24, 10:22 AM

He's got slave nurses? ...well, I guess that's better than being under Zoidberg's direct care. :smalltongue:

He's got two slave nurses from the setting's Ancient Egypt equivalent. Totally worth it.

GM: I've been running some tests. Dr Zoidberg can, thanks to his high Disguise, pass for a very attractive woman without any of you noticing about 90% of the time, despite all the penalties.
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Captain Longsword: Doc, how much Persuade do you have?
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: 260. And a +60 bonus when rolling to seduce.
Pilot Cain: That explains so much.
Captain Longsword: Well, now we know who is NOT getting anywhere near important NPCs.
This is against the no context rule, but whatever. In Anima Beyond Fantasy numbers are quite higher than in d20. But at level 6, 260 in any secondary ability is around 60-100 over what you would expect.

Captain Longsword: The good thing about this game is that the Ship Chart is quite simple. It goes "Everyone -> Zoidberg".

Captain Longsword: Things are looking bad... Dunkel, you know what you have to do.
First Mate Dunkel: Sir... Are you sure? Once this is done, no one can tell how much it will cost to imprison him again! We will be setting this... This monster, this abomination, free. Free to roam the land and cause widespread panic and chaos. Rivers of blood will flood Gaia. The cries of mothers looking for their dead children will be heard across the world, and things mankind was never meant to know will walk the world and unleash hell on earth.
Captain Longsword: I am willing to accept the consequences Mr Dunkel. Now... UNLEASH THE DOCTOR!
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: :smallamused:

While Doc has no combat abilities whatsoever (yet), his ability to simply manipulate reality through the use of Persuade rolls (Persuade is used in Anima for both Diplomacy and Bluffing) makes him a force to fear. Or at least that's what my fellow players think. A creature that is inmune to psychology (and there are quite a few of those) completely wrecks Doc.

goto124

2016-02-24, 10:33 AM

One-trick pony... no, not referring to the other Doc, that one isn't so optimized in any one thing.

Completely unrelated: I realized that, in Digo's art and quite a few other artists' arts, eyelashes are a quick way to tell if a character is male or female. Particularly useful when the characters are ponies.

McNum

2016-02-24, 11:32 AM

... y'all are evil. :smalltongue:
Muahahahaha! 'Till all are pun! No wait. That's Transformers.

Um... My Little Punnie?

DigoDragon

2016-02-24, 12:34 PM

... y'all are evil. :smalltongue:

Thank you. ^^;

Captain Longsword: The good thing about this game is that the Ship Chart is quite simple. It goes "Everyone -> Zoidberg".

*Snerk* I've not seen a chart so simple like that before. It is good to be the doctor.

One-trick pony... no, not referring to the other Doc, that one isn't so optimized in any one thing.

Give Doc a couple more levels and he'll max out his Medicine skills. Probably be able to perform miracles of science with that.

Completely unrelated: I realized that, in Digo's art and quite a few other artists' arts, eyelashes are a quick way to tell if a character is male or female. Particularly useful when the characters are ponies.

Eeyup. A pretty old trick in animation, back in the black and white days of Disney, Warner Brothers, and Tex Avery.

Um... My Little Punnie?

I liked the Transformers one better. :3

GrayGriffin

2016-02-24, 01:29 PM

Pogodi: “No, you don’t understand! It’s like being in a field of flowers, in the middle of a jar of peanut butter!”

Gym Leader Maurier: “But I do have your rewards. Would you like those, now?”
Jericho: $_$
* Gym Leader Maurier glances at Jericho, and very obviously wipes his thumb across the corner of his own lip, in the international sign of ’you’re drooling but I don’t want to point it out’.
Altair Azure: As a joke, Altair took Jericho’s arm, hoisted it above its head, and then lowered it down to his side again. “Let’s see if I can make him line up triple 7s.”

Khaiel

2016-02-24, 05:15 PM

Give Doc a couple more levels and he'll max out his Medicine skills. Probably be able to perform miracles of science with that.

He's got to max his pilot skill first, now that he's got a mecha suit.

Gideon Falcon

2016-02-24, 11:24 PM

(Inexperienced player): "Alright, if I roll a 20, I get a gun!"

(Same): "All I know is, when you roll a 20, something magical happens."

Sentient Armor: "How did you know that?"
Rogue: "Magic."
Armor: "Oh, okay."
Rogue's player: "Oh yeah, that's a thing, here."

Inevitability

2016-02-25, 05:38 AM

Me: Ah, the great circle of life. Big owlbears eat small owlbears, small owlbears eat baby owlbears, baby owlbears eat dead owlbears, dead owlbears rise as undead to devour their living brethren.

DigoDragon

2016-02-25, 07:56 AM

He's got to max his pilot skill first, now that he's got a mecha suit.

The best part of all this is not giving context on which Doc we're talking about. Love it. :smallbiggrin:

DM: “I'm picturing Beryl as a cat for one of those cheezburger memes—‘I can has smite?’”

Vampire spawn: “They'll be waiting for you at the largest city on the peninsula come the festival.”
Frostbite: “Yeah, and I suppose there's a pot of gold and three wishes waiting for me too?”

Spirit: “No one goes into a fight expecting to be ambushed by the bear cavalry. Not even magical vampire assassins.”

DM: “The earth pony spawn seems more resilient, and responds with a series of curses about Midnight's mother being some form of small, cheeky rodent.”

Spirit: “The next moment, he turned into a spider, still grappling the creature, readying his spinnerets.”
Knight 1: “The heck... is that normal for him?”
Beryl: “He's a shaman. He does that, it's still him, he's just a spider now.”

DM: “Those that followed the pegasus spawn to the old building have their work cut out for them. Will they go inside and search for the spawn? Leave him as an example not to mess with the party? Burn the building down in true murder-hobo fashion?”

DM: “I remember last time a PC attempted to bear-hug an opponent. The fact that the target was a fire elemental should have tipped them off that it was a bad idea...”
Spirit: “This hasn't stopped people before. See: Half fire elemental template.”

Mutazoia

2016-02-25, 11:49 AM

Blake: I swear to God, your going to find me dancing around the ashes, giggling like an 8 year old Japanese school girl!

Satella: What happened to [the field radio]?
Blake: Emergency Repair Procedure number one.
Fritz: You KICKED it?

Blake: Emergency Repair Procedure number two!
Süla: What's Emergency Repair Procedure number two?
Fritz: BFH
Süla: :smallconfused:
Blake: *pulls out sledge hammer* Big F****g Hammer!

Satella: Blake, you cannot fit this ship into that docking bay...it's too big!
Blake: What?
Satella: I said it's too big.
Blake: That's -
Satella: Don't you dare say it....
Blake: .....a good point?

Oberon: *Unintelligible angry noises* Fine. *draws gun* you want to play rough? *Hands gun to Blake* Blake...go outside and play.
Blake: SQUEEE! *Runs out side.*
Oberon: And don't come back until you run out of ammo! *Sounds of shooting/screams of the dead and dying quickly follow*
Fritz: You DO realize that the blasters have pretty much an unlimited charge, right?
Oberon: Yes. Yes i do...

Lord Gehnvaar

2016-02-25, 01:14 PM

Wizard (me): wait, are you telling me the town is on fire and we had nothing to do with it? This cannot be, that's our job!

goto124

2016-02-25, 07:38 PM

The best part of all this is not giving context on which Doc we're talking about. Love it. :smallbiggrin:

Mecha suits exist in Doc's world too! (http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/falloutequestria/images/a/a5/Appletart_Longshot.png/revision/latest?cb=20120414093949)

*whistles innocently*

DM: “The earth pony spawn seems more resilient, and responds with a series of curses about Midnight's mother being some form of small, cheeky rodent.”

You're the exact opposite of the DM who bans Monty Python (http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/dm-of-the-rings-edoras_5829.jpg)!

DM: “I remember last time a PC attempted to bear-hug an opponent. The fact that the target was a fire elemental should have tipped them off that it was a bad idea...”
Spirit: “This hasn't stopped people before. See: Half fire elemental template.”

I imagine this happened:
PC: I bear-hug the fire elemental.
GM: What? Are you serious?
PC: Yes, I'm serious! Hugs are great!
GM: Sigh, fine... roll 1d20.
Die: [20]
PC: Woohoo!
GM: How... why... really?
PC: GM, what do I get?
GM: Er... the fire elemental accepts your hug, and... er... hanky-panky happens.
PC: Hey guys, I just got laid! With a real hot chick!
GM: ... you do realize this will lead to babies, right?
PC: AWESOME! I've always wanted a half-fire elemental!
GM: *facepalms*

Belac93

2016-02-25, 08:39 PM

"If the concern was one of how to get the little girl into the brothel, a phrase I hoped never to have to say, that's easily solved."
In a 18th century Vampire: the Requiem game.

AdmiralCheez

2016-02-26, 12:09 AM

Finley: Does it... gravity? How does it float?

DM: Oh, hey, we have six players now. Looks like I can upgrade from beholder jr. to a full-size!
Dravin: Oh hey, I just remembered I have this other thing to do.

DM: Ironically, the dragon usually uses the Potion of Self-Immolation to cure heartburn.
Julio: So it's Dragon Tums?

Aeden: If you come over to heal, try not to join our conga line. Or given the spells cast at us, it's more like the electric slide.

DM: The entire party sits around the egg, having a brainstorm session about whether or not newly hatched dragons bond like ducklings.

DM: The derro's possessions begin to vibrate.
Julio: Ooh, I put on his hat! Head massage!
Aeden: Didn't it have tentacles... no, wait, I'm not going down that path.

DigoDragon

2016-02-26, 08:53 AM

You're the exact opposite of the DM who bans Monty Python (http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/dm-of-the-rings-edoras_5829.jpg)!

Yep. I'm a pretty fun and quoting kind of DM.

DM: “Congrats everyone, you all managed to weird out the Quotes thread.”
Beryl: “Ah, the tall mug of spiders thing. That was fun. Spiderlicious!”
Spirit: “If we keep talking about mugs of spiders, Spirit's going to have to order one when he heads back to a zebra village.”
Beryl: “How do you get the spiders to stay in the cup, anyway?”
Spirit: “The key limitation is their low strength despite their Spider Climbing. Generally speaking, it's like one of those plastic lids you get for soda cups.”
Beryl: “Hm, maybe spider buns. You know, like raisin buns, except the dark spots aren't raisins. The trick is to make the spiders survive being baked.
DM: *Throws his breakfast away* “Welp, I'm done with food for today.”

Crossguard: *Rolls 1d20+8. Gets a total of 7*
DM: “Wait... how did you manage to roll a total of Seven on a d20+8??”
Crossguard: “Call it lucky sevens and make it a crit?”

DM: “The dice continue to favor the PCs. Though the knights (oddly autocorrected to 'nuggets' above) suffered as well.”
Beryl: “I know it's tradition to make a Monty Python (https://youtu.be/A8yjNbcKkNY?t=1m26s) reference when playing D&D, but I sure didn't expect autocorrect to be in on the fun. Well played!”

Beryl: “Hm, the question then is, did Spirit manage to pin this one with his trip attempt? And if so, would the stake attempt be a (very) improvised weapon, making it STR based?”
Spirit: “WHAT. WHY. PRISONER. MIND-READING MAGE GUILD. LEARN MORE ABOUT THE CULT, WHAT THEY'RE UP TO, WHY THEY WANT ACE AND FROSTBITE, LEARN IF THEY DO KNOW FROSTBITE'S PARENTS.”
Crossguard: “How do we know that these... vile filth... know that? Maybe they're bluffing?”

Gallade

2016-02-26, 09:08 AM

(At the beginning of a raid on a prison)
Rogue:Most of the guards are in the side rooms. We can run in and shut the doors, then we just have to take out those in the corridor.
DM:Dexterity check against theirs to see if you trap them in or they manage to get out.
(Rolly rolly, only one guard is trapped)
Antipaladin:"Okay, we'll do it the old-fashioned way."
(Gory battle ensues)
Antipaladin:(Has taken a beating)"You will NOT kill me. I didn't come here to die!"
Paladin:"And I didn't come to work this morning to lose half my men. It's called a change of plans, fiend."
(After a miraculous recovery, all the guards are knocked out and the two Paladins guarding the jail are sadistically murdered)
Antipaladin:"Did we get all of them?"
DM:"You still hear someone slamming against the door to the left"
Trapped guard:"What is going on? Where did everyone go? Oh gods, there's blood coming out from under the door...someone answer me, please!"
Bard:"Want me to try and recruit her?"
Antipaladin:"I'll handle her. Miss, your captains are dead, so are all of your colleagues, and all the criminals in here will soon be free."
DM:"All you can hear from the other side is hysteric cries and mumbling."
Antipaladin:"I intimidate her."
(Roll)
DM:"You hear nothing else on the other side."
Antipaladin:"I knock the door down."
DM:"You see the guard's corpse. Her throat is slit and there's a kitchen knife in her hand."
Antipaladin:"...NOW we got all of them."

goto124

2016-02-26, 09:09 AM

DM: *Throws his breakfast away* “Welp, I'm done with food for today.”

What were you going to have for breakfast/lunch/tea/dinner/supper? :smallbiggrin:

Crossguard: *Rolls 1d20+8. Gets a total of 7*
DM: “Wait... how did you manage to roll a total of Seven on a d20+8??”
Crossguard: “Call it lucky sevens and make it a crit?”

Might be using the dice roller wrongly. Check the format, correct any mistakes, and try again?

PC1: What is 'cooking spray'?
PC2: It's a potion that adds to your cooking skill... you spray yourself and your cooking gets +2 every spray.

I'll leave it to you to guess what the cooking spray actually did.

DigoDragon

2016-02-26, 10:02 AM

What were you going to have for breakfast/lunch/tea/dinner/supper? :smallbiggrin:

I think I only had half a PB&J for lunch. Don't remember what I did for dinner. It was a low-calorie day. ^^;

Might be using the dice roller wrongly. Check the format, correct any mistakes, and try again?

We did figure out later that the format was wrong so it wasn't adding the +8, but it was no less funny at the time.

Khaiel

2016-02-26, 01:14 PM

The best part of all this is not giving context on which Doc we're talking about. Love it. :smallbiggrin:

I thought the mecha was standard issue for Doctors :smallbiggrin:

Fable Wright

2016-02-26, 01:54 PM

I thought the mecha was standard issue for Doctors :smallbiggrin:

Doc: I didn't go through six years of med school to not ride around in a giant mecha! Hmph!
*crosses arms, turns, then scuttles out in tiny mecha.*

Rater202

2016-02-26, 02:01 PM

In some places, it's also standard issue for Pizza delivery guys.

Gallade

2016-02-26, 05:01 PM

DM:"Your quest to achieve undeath has finally reached its objective. Well, except for the "un" part. What I'm saying is, the bear ate you."

DigoDragon

2016-02-26, 05:25 PM

PoeticDwarf

2016-02-27, 04:58 AM

me This is D&D, everything in the MM has a backstory
DM What about the mantarog?
me let me tell you a story, about might, hate and love. The story of the mantarog. Once there were 3 ordinary fish. Blub, glub and Alexander the Great. It was war in the deep oceans of Atlantfish and...
DM not this again:smalleek:

JAL_1138

2016-02-27, 07:29 AM

"You seem to be under the mistaken impression that I'm a good man. I am unequivocally not. I don't give a damn for cosmic notions of Good and Evil. But I do have certain standards about what is acceptable and what is not--and, y'see, you happen to have violated those. I intend to make you hurt like hell for it. And let me be clear--I never said I wasn't a hypocrite, either, so I'm not going to hold anything back when I do. No. I am going to tear down everything and everyone you have ever known and loved before I even start on you, and then you're going to die screaming."

goto124

2016-02-27, 07:38 AM

"You seem to be under the mistaken impression that I'm a good man.

Other PC: So you're an woman?

JAL_1138

2016-02-27, 07:44 AM

Other PC: So you're an woman?

*BA-DUM TISSH* :smalltongue:

(I got two words in the italics there instead of just the one. derp.)

Mutazoia

2016-02-27, 10:50 AM

Süla: While they're doing that, I'm going to go sell that cargo we salvaged.
Blake: *laughs*
Satella: What?
Blake: We're selling stuff on "Amazon" now? :smallbiggrin:

goto124

2016-02-27, 10:50 AM

Other PC: Hey look! I just told that crazy man he's an woman, and I'm still alive!

JAL_1138

2016-02-27, 11:11 AM

Other PC: Hey look! I just told that crazy man he's an woman, and I'm still alive!

:smalltongue::smalltongue::smalltongue:

True Neutral Bard: Well, I'm not one anymore; I eventually got a cleric to cast Remove Curse on me and undo the effects of that girdle. Granted, as I'm a half-elf it can be a bit difficult to tell, I know. Not that it matters either way, really. Although now we've gone off on a tangent here and just completely shot any dramatic tension out from under the threat I was making to that schmuck...oh well.

goto124

2016-02-27, 11:21 AM

What was that, a Girdle of Aggression?

JAL_1138

2016-02-27, 11:56 AM

What was that, a Girdle of Aggression?

Girdle of Femininity/Masculinity. The bard spent a while as a woman.

Khaiel

2016-02-27, 06:59 PM

GM: By the way, you leveled up last game Doc.
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Yay! That means 190 points on Pilot (Mecha).
GM: And that's what I call "From zero to hero."

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Help! I'm being attacked...
First Mate Dunkel: Meh. I didn't really like Doc that much.
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: By bandits wearing lots of very expensive jewelry and smoking cigars!
First Mate Dunkel: Damn, he knows my weak points.

Captain Longsword: Gentlemen... Please. In the last few hours I've been eaten, stabbed, mauled, shot at with bows, shot at with muskets, zapped by magic, ambushed, been left for dead... So to your proposals of allying with one of you to kill the others, I have one answer.
*Unleashes an area attack that he had been charging while talking*
Captain Longsword: The answer was "F*ck you all to hell!" by the way.

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Oh, for all my multiple crazy bloodthirsty gods, I'm not going to experiment on them yet! What kind of madman do you think I am?

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: I call dibs on his corpse.
GM: ... I was going to ask. But I think I'll pass.

Pilot Cain: Zoidberg-dono, yamete!

Taet

2016-02-27, 11:16 PM

P10: She's really let herself go. She got fat. And slovenly. And dead. :smalltongue:

P5: He can be taught! He's learning that the whip crack means he has just made some poor life choices. :smallyuk:

P11: I am so sorry, but here's three more spiders.
P5: You are NOT sorry!
P11: You're right. I'm not. :smallwink:

Oh, and DigoDragon. Spiders in our system have no trouble at all climbing tricky surfaces. They would never ever stay in the cup. :smallyuk: :smallyuk: :smallyuk:

Fable Wright

2016-02-27, 11:44 PM

Mutazoia

2016-02-28, 06:46 AM

Sure, they can climb up the cup in Digo's system too. But would they be able to remove a plastic disposable lid?

Find me a cup/lid that will slow this guy down.....

http://images.memes.com/meme/257968

DigoDragon

2016-02-28, 09:32 AM

Oh, and DigoDragon. Spiders in our system have no trouble at all climbing tricky surfaces. They would never ever stay in the cup. :smallyuk: :smallyuk: :smallyuk:

Sure, they can climb up the cup in Digo's system too. But would they be able to remove a plastic disposable lid?

Find me a cup/lid that will slow this guy down.....

Nope nope nope. Fireballs for all of it! With a side order of Disintegrating Ray, Circle of Death, and Prismatic wall to keep whatever remains away from me. :smalleek:

GM: By the way, you leveled up last game Doc.

Yayy-

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Yay! That means 190 points on Pilot (Mecha).

-aww. You meant the other Doc. :3

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: By bandits wearing lots of very expensive jewelry and smoking cigars!
First Mate Dunkel: Damn, he knows my weak points.

Always know the motivation behind your teammates. It may save your life!

Gallade

2016-02-28, 01:56 PM

Scout:"The enemy just landed on the southern shore."
Antipaladin:"How many are there?"
Scout:"Seventy men, give or take, with ballista support."
Archivist:"Then we have a disadvantage. We have 40 men. That's 40% less men."
Rogue:"We also have Goraanstin. That's 100% more dragon."
Dragon:"Never doubt the power of more dragon."

Antipaladin:"I buy a tower shield."
DM:"Are you selling your old one?"
Antipaladin:"Nah, I'll only use it in skirmishes to cover from gunners. I'll still use my regular shield for exploration."
DM:"Okay. You stash the tower shield...a shield the size of a door...somewhere on your person."
Bard:"I am SO envious of your pocket capacity."

Teleros

2016-02-28, 02:03 PM

Been reading these for a while now, and enjoying it a lot, so I figure I owe this thread some of my own:

Samurai: Nope! I set the building on fire!

Inugami(NPC): Now a fox? Do you spend all your time frolicking with woodlands creatures?

Merchant(NPC):Here I have with me a bag of great wonder. It can carry within it far more then it looks like it should.
Ranger: Can I go inside it?
Bewildered merchant: Erm ok?
Ranger: I go into the bag.

Me: You return to the main hall.
Ranger: I go into the hole in the floor.

Gallade

2016-02-28, 02:28 PM

Antipaladin:"I got the swordsmen, the Warrior is leading the charge of the velites. We still have 11 level one recruits."
Bard:"Then I'll take command of the archers. Make two troops of five, give each of them a longbow, leather armor, and 8 arrows. Don't want to waste them."
DM:"You do know you're carrying 200 arrows yourself?"
Bard:"220 regular arrows and 20 hunting arrows, to be precise. I oughta use them sometimes."

Antipaladin:"Go roast them!"
Dragon:"I'm a green dragon, I don't breathe fire."
Antipaladin:"What can you do?"
Dragon:"Melt their skin off with acid breath."
Antipaladin:"...do just that and don't EVER stop."

Warrior:"By the way, I haven't seen the half-dragons around lately."
Bard:"They've gone looking for hookers."
Antipaladin:"Actually, they're looking for a cleric to save J."
Bard:"In Kaer Maga. Which is full of hookers. So they save J AND their species at the same time. Brilliant."

Inevitability

2016-02-29, 07:12 AM

Ranger: Everyone is grappling everyone else! Wheeee!
Me: It's everything I've ever feared and much more.

Ranger: Let's hunt the pixie down, then kill and eat it.
Me: Explain how you are still Good.

Me: So you don't bury the corpse below the floor, you build a floor above the corpse?

Ranger: I just wanted to shoot him! It's not my fault he had so few HP!

Ranger: I'm not a criminal! You're chasing the wrong person!
Me: Going to need a bluff check for that.
Ranger: I mean, in this town I'm not.

Ranger: I blame you for making me feel bad for killing your NPCs!

DigoDragon

2016-02-29, 07:51 AM

Dragon:"Never doubt the power of more dragon."

Never.

Beryl: “On a totally unrelated note, which baking tool would be better for the job? I mean, rule of funny says she pulls out a wooden spoon now.”
Spirit: “DO NOT MURDER WITH WOODEN SPOON. CAPS LOCK REQUESTS IT.”
Beryl: “So, ‘Operation Spoon the Vampire’ isn't possible?”
Spirit: “If Spirit sees Beryl advancing on his prey with a wooden spoon, he's dropping flat on the vampire to shield the vampire's fleshy bit with his bulk. I'm not saying Beryl can't stab a wooden spoon through a bear into a vampire's ribcage and hit the heart with perfect accuracy, but it certainly wouldn't be easy.”
Beryl: “...she'd need a bigger spoon for that.”

Midnight: “You know, I'm a little bit disappointed this whole exchange happened out of character instead of IC.”
Spirit: “I'm sorry, it's difficult to eloquently enumerate the reasons why spooning the hostage is a poor idea when I'm wrestling a vampire to the ground. As a bear. Being ridden by a wizard who has no idea what's going on. While keeping an eye on the other hostage. Trying to get the paladins to not kill the captive is difficult even when you're NOT restricted to roaring and gesturing creatively to convey your points, much less at a time like this.

Beryl: “...this is your payback for the spider buns, isn't it?”

Midnight: “Yep, it's Perception time.”
DM: “Perception Time
Come on grab your spells
We're sending vampires to the 9 hells
With Cross the knight
And Midnight the cleric
The fun never ends, Perception Time.”

Beryl: “So, are the ones that followed Midnight in fighting range?”
DM: “Yes, they can come to Midnight's aid before he becomes an evening snack.”
Frostbite: “Just what I was thinking.”
Beryl: “And now there's 20 HP less of Vampire Spawn. I bet that got its attention.”
Midnight: “And make that 31 damage on the vampire.”
DM: “The pegasus turns to ash with a grunt, leaving behind nothing but a black cowl that smells of death and shame.”

Midnight: “Hey Frost, what happened here? How did you end up fighting a bunch of vampires?”
Frostbite: “Long story short: I'm very popular this week and Crossguard has a very short fuse.”

Gallade

2016-02-29, 03:44 PM

(Antipaladin marches up to a strategic point and unleashes his Channel Negative Energy)
Antipaladin:"Phew. Haven't used THAT in a couple days."
Rogue:"Yeah, I know that feel. When you don't do it in a while, it just keeps building up."
Warrior:"I wouldn't know about that. I've seen him do it thrice in a row once."
Rogue:"Oh my, that's some stamina right there."
Antipaladin:"Can we go back to killing now?"
Warrior:"Sure.Velites! Take them from behind!"
Antipaladin:"And I thought my soul was already tainted."

(Enemy officer flanks and starts shooting up the ally archers)
Warrior:"Protect the archers!"
Ally swordsmen:"We have to protect the archers!"
Ally archers:"You have to protect the archers!"
Ally swordsmen:"You are the archers..."
Ally archers:"Yes, we are the archers!"
DM:"It's your turn, Bard. You have to move your archers."
Bard:"Who are the archers?"
Ally archers:"We are the archers!"
Bard:"Ah, ok. Where are the archers?"
Ally archers:"Are we the archers?"
Bard:"No, I mean the enemy archers."
Scout:"75 feet southwest of the archers."
Ally archers 2:"Are we the archers?"
Scout:"No, the other archers."
Ally archers:"We are the archers!"
Bard:"Good. Shoot the archers."
Enemy archers:"Are we the archers?"
Bard:"You are the archers."
Enemy archers:"Yay, we are the archers.......crap!"

(With this I take a bow and leave for the night.)

Taet

2016-02-29, 04:47 PM

DM: So you want your familiar to be, what?
P1: A dog. A big dog. A Doberman. Not, like, a chihuahua....

P1: I can teach her lots of tricks!
P2: Teach her to shake hands, so you don't have to. :smallsmile:
P1: :smallannoyed:

P1: The dog is going to love me. I love myself, the dog is my familiar...
DM: So you're saying it's a gay dog? :smallamused:
P4: Woo, bestiality! :smallbiggrin:
P3: Wouldn't it be humanity? Since the dog is humping his leg, not the other way around-- :smallwink:
P1: It is going to be a GIRL dog. :smallmad:
P4: Oo, that's tricky. Dogs are never lesbians. You do not see one dog licking another's--
DM: Ok. At this point, I'd like to hold my hand up--
P5: Look out!
P1: :smallfurious:
DM: --and say that I regret starting this topic. :smallsigh:

P1: A pure white dog. I will call her...Duchess. :smallcool:
P4 & DM: "Mother, sometimes I swear you love that dog more than you love me." :smalltongue:

GrayGriffin

2016-03-01, 12:28 AM

"Iolite doesn't mention that many humans look alike, but she figures the same is true of Kobolds to humans - they all look like little bags of 10 Experience Points."

RagingBluMunky

2016-03-01, 03:07 AM

DM: Congratulations you all get 50 Exp for getting the goblins high!

Forum Explorer

2016-03-01, 04:11 AM

Find me a cup/lid that will slow this guy down.....

http://images.memes.com/meme/257968

How about a trash can full of beer? A big drink for a big spider.

Mutazoia

2016-03-01, 07:01 AM

How about a trash can full of beer? A big drink for a big spider.

Yeah.

That's all we need.

A Camel spider with a hangover.

Gallade

2016-03-01, 11:14 AM

Yeah.

That's all we need.

A Camel spider with a hangover.

Do you want spider cider? 'Cause that's how you get spider cider.

DigoDragon

2016-03-01, 11:45 AM

DM: Congratulations you all get 50 Exp for getting the goblins high!

Better leave 'em some rations when it comes down with the munchies.

Frostbite: “What happened at the docks?”
Midnight: “Everything went according to plan. Except for the part where they lit their own ship on fire.”

Ivy: “So, where were we?”
Spirit: “I'm not really too sure what else to add, really. Beryl enjoys baking, and I hear she's good at it, the Crystal Crusader is a heroic spirit campaigning against injustice, Crossguard joined the other knight here in protecting our friend Frostbite, who has a pet mouse, I randomly turn into giant spiders and bears and spun this lovely little cocoon for our prisoner, Midnight enjoys sleeping upside down and chanting in bloodstone circles, this knight is looking surprisingly unfazed by the weirdness, and the sailor fell off the bear when we were accosted by vampires and may have hit his head on the cobblestones, poor thing. What else do you want to know?”
Beryl: “I'm sorry, our zebra friend here is very clever, but he has no sense of social cues.”

Master Librarian: “Ah, the zebra returns and has dragged in trash from the wilds. To what do I owe this evening annoyance?”
Midnight: “Geez, and I thought the Knights would be bad.”

Spirit: “This is probably a dumb question, but given the nature of this captive, is anything said in this room liable to make Ace's head explode?”
Master Librarian: “Unless the cocooned creature here knows a Power Word, no.”

Crossguard: “Ooooh... Man, if she weren't in need of their services, Crossguard'd deck the Master Librarian.”
DM: “Why? Cause she has an abrasive personality like 10-grade sandpaper?”

Frostbite: “Remember when we were talking about pony mounts (http://41.media.tumblr.com/376ca4696ca39b0ab0ac3bf9a963b07b/tumblr_o2ccpmS1cG1tvllp6o2_1280.jpg)?”
DM: “Ahahahahaha-no.”
Spirit: “I will put that down as a 'maybe later'.”

DM: “Worgs a nice wolf-like things. I had the pleasure of being mauled by one once. Then we became friends.”

Mutazoia

2016-03-01, 12:26 PM

Do you want spider cider? 'Cause that's how you get spider cider.

I believe that any 8 legged monstrosity that is big enough to chow down on an iguana as an afternoon stack, is definitely a mean drunk.

Cristo Meyers

2016-03-01, 03:02 PM

Frostbite: “What happened at the docks?”
Midnight: “Everything went according to plan. Except for the part where they lit their own ship on fire.”

I'm guessing the 'lit their own ship' was the part that wasn't according to plan.

I believe that any 8 legged monstrosity that is big enough to chow down on an iguana as an afternoon stack, is definitely a mean drunk.

Considering how aggressive those critters can be normally, I'm not sure you'd be able to tell.

Inevitability

2016-03-01, 03:33 PM

Considering how aggressive those critters can be normally, I'm not sure you'd be able to tell.

With this:

https://www.vipermedical.nl/uploadedviper/cropped-and-scaled/drager3000_w600_h600.jpg

Gallade

2016-03-01, 04:17 PM

DM:"The mayor is sitting at her desk with a more troubled expression than usual. On her desk sits a stack of bitten cookies."
Mayor:"I have called you here because...well, with all garrisons being called to the front, I didn't really have much choice. Coming straight to the point, recently these strange cookies have been appearing all over town. Those who ate them have..."
Antipaladin:"I eat one of the cookies."
Mayor:"...turned into stone."
(Antipaladin is drained of Dex until he has only 3)
Antipaladin:"Can't you speak any FASTER than that?"

Conjurer:"So, it is really happening. In the middle of a war where we and our dragon allies are trying to wrest power from a demon-possessed emperor, we're killing Antonio Banderas over cookies."

Archivist:"What are you doing?"
Antipaladin:"KICKING THIS DAMN DOOR DOWN!"
(Several failed Strength checks later)
Antipaladin:"I've bashed down doors of metal and a f@#king castle gate, and this wooden door I CAN'T open? What does this door have?"
(Ninja pushes him aside, picks the locks and opens)
Ninja:"A doorknob."
(Later, antipaladin running from the footrices)
Archivist:"What are you doing now?"
Antipaladin:"HOLDING THIS DAMN DOOR UP!"

Archivist:"Do I know how tough a cockatrice is?"
DM:"About as much as a quail which can petrify you."
Archivist:"What about the cockatrice queen?"
DM:"As much as a very, very big quail. Which can petrify you."

the OOD

2016-03-01, 05:10 PM

today, we faced the shocking confirmation of what we already knew: no force in the universe that can stop Adam, Helvetica, and Haywood's sass.

Adam Eden: anyone riding a moped through Purgatory deserves to go to Hell.
Helvetica Jones: not gonna stop me.

Angelic Guard: HALT! WHO GOES THERE?
Helvetica Jones: *rifles through his wallet*
Helvetica: *pulls out five bucks, offering them to the angel* is this enough?
Angel: *pauses* WHAT?:smallconfused:
Helvetica: this is the toll booth, right? or do I need to offer you boys a bribe?
Angels: *stunned silence*
Helvetica: we're just passing through on vacation, will this take long?
Adam Eden: by the way, can you give us directions? we were going to the Hot Place, but I think we may have taken a wrong turn.
Angelic Guards: ATTACK!

GM: while you are strolling up to Heaven with weapons hot, A bright light comes pouring down from the sky, and a mighty trumpet bellows from all directions. as Heaven goes on high alert, you can hear an army of wingbeats descending from the sky.
Adam Eden: I'm sorry, but the legions of Heaven seem to have mistaken us for people who give a f**k.

Helvetica Jones: I'm going to teleport to a better position! *nat 20* dang.:smallsigh:
Haywood Aquila: have a re-roll.
Helvetica: thanks! *re-rolls*
Helvetica: nat 20, f***ing hell.:smallmad:
Patrick McCreely: want another re-roll?
Helvetica: yes please. *re-rolls*
Helvetica: 7, YES!:smallbiggrin:

Patrick McCreely: I combat morph into a Dire F**k-you-up-a-sauraus (http://www.rareresource.com/photos/dinosaur-gallery/Ankylosauru.jpg)
Helvetica: best. dinosaur. ever.

Haywood Aquila: you're the voice of God, I'm the voice of Dino. wanna have a go?

Helvetica Jones: *pulls an M-134 minigun out of his man-purse, loaded with a belt of 7.62x51 NATO rounds, with one end of the belt disappearing into the depths of his bag*
Adam Eden: WANT.

Haywood Aquila: so, it turns out that all fish are unstable genetic aberrations....

Helvetica Jones: Angelic Host: zero, unholy napalm bomb: fifty
Adam Eden: we just blew up the stairway to Heaven. oh yeah.

Adam's player: so, Adam and Helvetica just collectively became a teleporting crew-serviced minigun.

Adam's player: I shout at the angels, trying to provoke them. what should I say?
Helvetica's player: (immediately) "Lucifer is gonna a$$-ream your old man; if you want some to, get in line"?

Director Barca: well, now that we subdued him, what should we do next?
Haywood Aquila: an extremely ironic crucifixion?

Helvetica Jones: I could just duct-tape [the card] to Patrick's side, and shoot it with my purse-gun.
Haywood Aquila: NO.:smallannoyed:
Helvetica: I meant my low-caliber holdout, it deals 1d4 damage.
Patrick McCreely: oh, that's fine.
Helvetica: I guess "purse gun" is a little vague now, given the last gun you saw me pull out of my man-purse. :smalltongue:

Dexam

2016-03-02, 05:10 AM

P1 (me): I breathe my cold breath on them, then say "It's been ice to see you, but now I really must fly!", before flying out through the double doors.
P2: Did you just use a pun on them?
P1: Two puns, actually - my Draconic Flight invocation is active, so I literally flew out of the room.
P2: Ha! That's great.
P3: The question now is: will the DM give out additional XP, or will he take it away?

goto124

2016-03-02, 07:05 AM

Frostbite: “Remember when we were talking about pony mounts (http://41.media.tumblr.com/376ca4696ca39b0ab0ac3bf9a963b07b/tumblr_o2ccpmS1cG1tvllp6o2_1280.jpg)?”
DM: “Ahahahahaha-no.”
Spirit: “I will put that down as a 'maybe later'.”

That dragon doesn't even have wings!

DM:"The mayor is sitting at her desk

I suddenly realized, that for some reason I have not heard of a female mayor until now. Might have to do with how I usually don't hear of mayors outside a fictional context.

PoeticDwarf

2016-03-02, 07:25 AM

me I'm not an halfling but a talking chicken
guard do I sense magic?
me well uhm...

DigoDragon

2016-03-02, 08:09 AM

I'm guessing the 'lit their own ship' was the part that wasn't according to plan.

Nope, not for the PCs. :3

*nat 20* dang.:smallsigh:

First time I've seen a player want to fail a teleportation roll. That's a true chaotic nutty PC.

That dragon doesn't even have wings!

But it stands two stories tall and will still wreak things. :smalltongue:

DM: “Though, now I have this thought of a grumpy Invisible Stalker with a Brooklyn accent carrying Beryl around and complaining about everything that a stereotypical NY cab driver argues about...”
Invisible Stalker Cabbie: “Seriously, why travel with a druid zebra if you're gonna summon me to do this job? He can transform into a bear can't he? I guess ‘cause I can fly you places, lady, but boy you coulda picked a better ride to go uptown. Traffic there? Oi, it's a mess this time of day. But what ya gonna do, ya know? Least you ain't summoning some celestial bear mount. Think they can fly? Fergetaboutit!”

Crossguard: “Crossguard has a flaw, and not just her excessive cookie batter addiction. It's Pride, and she feels insulted by the Head Librarian.”
DM: “The Head Librarian is just a [female dog], so Crossguard isn't wrong to believe she's been insulted.”
Spirit: “...I've been in academia for too long. She just seemed like a normal professor to me, if a bit cranky from being woken up.”

Spirit: “...If a zebra calls a concoction nasty, I don't know if it's something we want to harvest as PCs.”
DM: “Hey, it's a rite of passage into adulthood. They're not supposed to be enjoyable, or else the tribe can't cull the deadbeats out of the gene pool.”
Spirit: “Point.”

Spirit: “Steve died? Oh no! True Reincarnate his corpse! He is now a... *rolls dice*... Tyrannosaurus Rex. Wow. Good job, Steve!”

Trace: “Again, just going to mess with the books (I'm going to put books on the undead and necromancy into any with religious texts, and cookbooks with the necromantic texts).”
DM: “Well that's going to give the Librarian's OCD a massive headache.”
Crossguard: “And while you're at it, raid her fridge for snacks. Slaying the living dead builds a terrible appetite.”
Master Librarian: *Fails a Perception Check*
DM: “I'm amused at the thought of raiding a wizard's fridge. It's kind of sad that a master of divination doesn't notice what Trace is doing to her library.”
Trace: “On his way out [Trace] tilts every single painting he can find just slightly off.”

RCgothic

2016-03-02, 08:56 AM

DM: You find a necklace of fireballs!
Wizard: I feed the gems to my owl.
DM: ...okay. The glass beads are immune to the owl's stomach juices. This may have unpleasant results for you later.
Wizard: *shrug*

Later...

DM: Up ahead you spot a cackling goblin with a staff, surrounded by many black puddings. Lightning crackles from his clawed fingertips as he snarls at your impudence!
Goblin: "How dare you intrude upon my private lab! Get them, my lovelies! Dissolve their flesh from their-"
Wizard: I launch my tomahawk cruise owl.
DM: Your what?
Wizard: Tomahawk Cruise Owl. It flies over the goblin and then I fireball it.
DM: Kind of a waste of your owl. All right, your owl flies right over the goblin's head, even as orders his minions to attack you, and then you hit it square with a fireball. The goblin and his puddings look mildly singed and very angry. Your owl is of course burnt to a cinder... ... ...and then the fireballs in its stomach chain detonate. The goblin and all his puddings take... 54d6 fire damage. Flames burn, everybody dies.
Wizard: Tomahawk Cruise Owl.