Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition IV: Just what Doc Ordered

[Inevitability]

Halfling NPC: This is the Codex Vestigum, an ancient tome of forgotten lore. In it is the information you...
Druid: Neat! I grab the book!
Halfling NPC: What the... that book is rare! Give it back!
Druid: You weren't going to give it to us?
Halfling NPC: What made you think that? I was going to give you a translated summary!
Druid: Well, I'm taking this.
Halfling NPC: It's ancient celestial! Only a handful of people can even read it!
Druid: Guess I'll have to buy a scroll of comprehend languages.

[Gallade]

DM:"The neck stump of the head cut by the Antipaladin splits open and grows two more heads! The one of the head cut by the Warrior['s flaming greatsword] bubbles with boiling blood and falls in a burnt heap."
Antipaladin:"Wait, so if we chop off the heads without burning them, two more grow back?"
DM:"Yes."
Antipaladin:"Does that mean..."
Warrior:"We can get UNLIMITED HEADS!"
Antipaladin:"You REALLY need to keep your head-collecting habit in check."

[DigoDragon]

The rest of the party didn't have to do anything all session, and we one-hit KO'd the boss encounter with that insanely overpowered fireball.

Well, that does seem to be a pretty boring session for those not chucking fireballs.



Well, that's my new favorite use of a familiar. And necklace of fireballs, for that matter.

The one time a party got a necklace of fireballs as random loot in any campaign I ever ran... they wrapped it around the neck of a dead adversary, lit him on fire, and then tossed him down stairs to catch several undead guards unawares. It worked a little too well.


Druid: Guess I'll have to buy a scroll of comprehend languages.

Magic is why NPCs can't have nice things. :smalltongue:

[DeafnotDumb]

Player 1: An angry tinpot German solves all problems.

Faridah: I ask that you put your hands away from your weapons and come quietly.
BBEG: You ask? You come into my home and point your bow at me and you ask?
Faridah: I considered demanding. This seemed politer.

Safid: I am but a honest merchant -
[Group laughter]
Storyteller: Yeah, gonna have to roll Bluff for that one.

Me: So the question is, are you going to want a character sheet for your human character or for you dog character?

[AdmiralCheez]

The one time a party got a necklace of fireballs as random loot in any campaign I ever ran... they wrapped it around the neck of a dead adversary, lit him on fire, and then tossed him down stairs to catch several undead guards unawares. It worked a little too well.

Ooh, that's pretty good too. I can just imagine the scenario.

*Body falls down the stairs*
"Oh great, Larry's drunk again. And... on fire? Oh god, somebody put him out! Quick! Throw a blanket on hi-"
*EXPLOSION*

You know, if they weren't undead...

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Ooh, that's pretty good too. I can just imagine the scenario.

*Body falls down the stairs*
"Oh great, Larry's drunk again. And... on fire? Oh god, somebody put him out! Quick! Throw a blanket on hi-"
*EXPLOSION*

You know, if they weren't undead...

Hey, no part of that sentence could not be said by a Ghoul! Well, no part that didn't have more than one syllable, anyway.

[Gallade]

DM:"They are fooled. You don't get through but you can retreat without being attacked. However, next time you want to try a Bluff check to distract someone, find something more creative than 'Look behind you'. At least add a flying pie or a three-headed monkey to it."

[DigoDragon]

"Oh great, Larry's drunk again. And... on fire? Oh god, somebody put him out! Quick! Throw a blanket on hi-"

Hey, no part of that sentence could not be said by a Ghoul! Well, no part that didn't have more than one syllable, anyway.

Funny reminded for me, as years after that D&D campaign with the necklace I did have an encounter for the PCs meeting a group of skeletons that were intelligent and could talk. The PCs somehow convinced them to unionize against their master for better pay and benefits.


Me: So the question is, are you going to want a character sheet for your human character or for you dog character?

I remember taking part in a campaign where one player was an intelligent pink-dyed dog (the reason he was dyed pink is a noodle incident between himself and one other PC, his "owner"). Couldn't speak, but he understood us real well and pantomimed responses to us.


Spirit: “This is the first time I've heard a cookie batter thief try and remove fudge from the equation.”
Crossguard: “I will offer 70% of the next bowl of cookie batter if Trace raids Master Librarian's fridge.”
Trace: “Hmmmmmmm, nah, too risky. With the blood sample coming in soon I can just imagine a near direct route to near kitchen.”

Spirit: “But aren't we all expected to die in horrible ways? Turning into an undead is just an automatic way of bouncing back from that.”

Beryl: “Aw, ninja'd by a zebra. A Zebja? Nijra? Zebinra? Something sneaky with stripes and shuriken.”

Spirit: “...I'm surprised that the creepy spider albino zebra is the good cop while both Paladins vie for position as bad cop. Something just doesn't seem right about that.”
Beryl: “One Paladin carries a severe grudge against ponynappers, the other against the undead. Our prisoners are... a ponynapper and a ponynapping undead.”

DM: “We interrupt this interrogation scene to bring you-- Character Building.”

Trace: “Magic painting? Magic painting. Leaving it just as is (tilted and leaking).”
Spirit: “Good luck. Little tiny men with harpoons may get on the deck of the ship and hook their vessel to Trace. That just becomes an awkward mess altogether.”
Beryl: “Well, we did just discuss the stats for harpoons, so it could happen. Revenge of the tiny painted ponies!”

Trace: “The mask was a stupid idea anyway.”
Beryl: “...yeah, I guess it was. And that silly voice. Honestly, yelling with that voice was making me a little hoarse.”

[AdmiralCheez]

Hey, no part of that sentence could not be said by a Ghoul! Well, no part that didn't have more than one syllable, anyway.

Well, sure, I guess there are some undead that would be able to hold that conversation; we don't discriminate against the living-impaired here! I was just going on the assumption that an intelligent undead would have a higher position than guard duty.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Well, sure, I guess there are some undead that would be able to hold that conversation; we don't discriminate against the living-impaired here! I was just going on the assumption that an intelligent undead would have a higher position than guard duty.

Guardist. :smalltongue:

[AdmiralCheez]

Guardist. :smalltongue:

Why, I never! No, wait... it's true. You got me. But can you blame me? I mean, do guards ever aspire to do more than stand in one place and die? Do they have hopes and dreams like real people? I have yet to see any evidence!

[DigoDragon]

Well that's the beauty in having undead guards. They tend not to have a life outside work. Or any life for that matter.

[Martin Greywolf]

From two one on one games, PCs are Sakari and Jin, setting is Legend of Korra (well, sort of, one has ancient kingdoms based on india and King in Yellow, other is somewhat post-apocalyptic after being partially covered with unextinguishable green fire).

DM: When Aang died, Katara was all like - “he's just preening.”

<pro-bending arena with some improvised miniatures>
DM: So, Bolin is clearly Pinkie Pie, Korra is Rainbow Dash, so that leaves Rarity for Mako.

DM: Going to talk to Lin then?
Sakari: I'll just imagine she's a particularly grumpy cat.

Jin: Well, I defeated you with a turnip!
Hyorin: Multiple turnips! And I remember there was a cake!
Jin: Shame about that cake, really.
Hyorin: Yeah, it was pretty yummy.

Jin: Why does everyone run after I try to stab them in the crotch?

Jin: What we learned here today is that Korra's a** can literally stop a river.

Jin: So many spies are going to loose their jobs because of me...
Hyorin: What, why?
Jin: If you got the report that Lin bei Fong hooked up with the most infamous skirt-chasing pirate currently alive, would you believe it?
Hyorin: ...oh.

Azula: They're never going to find your corpse!
Jin: Awww, she likes you!

Jin: Korra, why is there a saber-toothed moose lion cub on our airship?

Jin: From now on, he's called His Magnificence Foo-foo Cuddlypoops the Second.

Korra: Why does he respond to your stupid name?
Jin: His Poopsiness has class, Korra, class!

Korra: <flips over pai sho table>
Jin: I sigh wearily and reset “Days since Korra flipped a table” counter.

Jin: Why does everyone think I'm a pimp?
Korra: It's more of a matchmaker? And you are pretty successful in pairing people off.
Jin: I'm just throwing parties at other people's expenses!
Korra: You hooked up Lin and Gan.
Jin: Because I thought it would be funny!

Korra: So I guess we're really pirates now.
Jin: We don't have enough lizard-parrots and peg legs to be proper pirates.

Korra: <flips over pai sho table>
Jin: You know, I beginning to think you're doing it just to humor me.
Korra: Why I'd never! I'm far too blunt to be that sneaky.

Jin: I'm going to shoot you in the head until you run out of arm!

Jin: Apparently, saving the world doesn't pay all that well.
Katara: Tell me about it...

Jin: I don't understand how you could not notice, Jinorra was squeling for three damn hours and listing all the romances this is exactly like.
Katara: I thought she just found a new book.
Jin: She'd have to find half a library!
Katara: She does that sometimes.
Jin: ...point.

Jin: At least this way, we signal that we both have each other leashed.
Katara: That's not how <the engagement necklaces> work!
Jin: I'm pretty sure that's exactly how they work.

Jin: Wow, emotional blackmail much, gran-gran?
Katara: Well, I have a skill so I should use it, right?
Korra: Just like bloodbending, huh?
Jin: Ooooh snap! Gran-gran, you got served!

Jin: Oh, and a 20 000 year old guy now wants me for my body.

Asami: <presents sword-cleaning kit as an engagement present to Jin and Korra>
Jin: ...there are so many innuendos I don't even know where to start.
Asami: You're welcome.

[Toric]

You know what? No context whatsoever! You want context, check out my siggy

Delvin: Great Moradin's Beard! I even like hammers, but this is unnatural!

Delvin: That's the last time I pass out on a vacant skyranger

Garrathor: Psionics don't work that way!

Cinder: Also, they want to defend the whale, I think. Probably not a bad idea.

Garrathor: All of you, whale or death! Spread the word!

Cinder: Enough is ENOUGH! I 'ave 'ad it with these %&@$#$%&#in' undead on this %&@$#$%&#in' beach!

Anyway, the dream. He'd dreamt that all of this was lost. No more Stout Stout, no more Pail Ale, no more Greenman's, but funny you should say that, because the dream had featured green men. And zombies, and tentacles.


"Who're you callin' stumpy!?" Garrathor snorts in response to Cinder's comment, sitting on the remains of a bench and removing his boots.

A bit of explanation later...

"Who's she calling stumpy!?"he scoffs indignantly, pointing at Eurnara with one hand and holding a boot upside down with another.

A bit more explanation later...

"So I called me stumpy. ...'S a fair claim, I guess." the dwarf shrugs, not prepared to demand an apology from himself.

[AdmiralCheez]

DM: Here comes the bow-wow with the chow-wow.


DM: We've got the Blind Sniper, the Mute Negotiator... all we need is a Cary Elwes, oh wait, he have Julio. There, we have Men in Tights.
Julio: Unlike other bards, I can speak with a Spanish accent!


Julio: Hey, you! I'm not sure if your mother was the giant or the orc. Either way, I feel sorry for her!
*Julio runs away*


DM: And now it's the evil cultist mastermind's turn, who is....
Julio: Hiding like a coward?
DM: Says the man in the corner with four hit points hiding like a coward?
Julio: Julio does not deny his hypocrisy.


Mordai: Where do we take Mr. Handy?
Finley: Can you... not call it that?

[Necroticplague]

DM: And that night, we all learned an important lesson: most of us can drink and DnD. Gene, on the other hand, should not, unless everyone else has some SAN they need to get rid of very badly.

[DigoDragon]

Spirit: “You know what? New objective for the encounter: Support Group. Get all the ponynappers/ponynapping victims to cry and hug it out while the librarian looks out in disgust at all the feels we're leaking onto her nice rug.”
DM: “Well, it's pretty easy to make the Librarian disgusted. Just be yourselves.”

Spirit: “I don't think I can befriend you, really. But I do want the answers to those questions rather badly.”
Vampire Spawn: “Go eat a boat.”
Spirit: *wanders closer to the spawn and reaches into its mouth, trying to wiggle, wrench, and if push came to shove, break the creature's fangs out with minimal damage to the tooth*
Frostbite: “What in the heck are you doing, man!?”
Spirit: “He's not being helpful in the least, so I'm taking him apart to find out how he works. Might as well learn something useful from our captive. …And what is this word you're using, 'man'?”
Frostbite: “Good grief. And man is... don't know, it's just a thing some ponies say. Like... 'good grief'.”

Beryl: “Vampires go *pop*?”
DM: “When a high-level wizard is out of patience, they do.”

Spirit: “You work hard to engineer one single moment where everyone gets engaged in the interrogation, and the vampire goes pop when we get but the barest minimum of information to drive the plot forward?”
DM: “The Master Librarian does have answers for Spirit, along with an intriguing request Spirit might not expect.”
Spirit: “I am prepared (http://i.imgur.com/JkDhabd.jpg?2).”

[goto124]

ponynappers/ponynapping

Foalnapping?


Spirit: “I am prepared (http://i.imgur.com/JkDhabd.jpg?2).”

Is it safe to eat? How much does this meal cost?

[DigoDragon]

Foalnapping?

I equate foalnapping to stealing very young ponies (i.e. kidnapping). Ace is a teen though, so maybe it's a gray area that could count?



Is it safe to eat? How much does this meal cost?

I'd have to ask Spirit's player. ^^;

[goto124]

I equate foalnapping to stealing very young ponies (i.e. kidnapping). Ace is a teen though, so maybe it's a gray area that could count?

Does kidnapping not get applied to adult humans too? If not, what is the term for 'kidnapping' an adult human?

[Inevitability]

Me: The cat emphatically communicates a desire for salmon.
Druid: Tell me, why did you think getting a familiar was a good idea again?

[DigoDragon]

Does kidnapping not get applied to adult humans too? If not, what is the term for 'kidnapping' an adult human?

Um... well I guess kidnapping is sometimes applied to adults, though my local news stations prefer to use the term 'abducted' for them.

[Gallade]

DM:"Since you're in town and you got Leadership, want to look for a henchman now?"
Antipaladin:"Sure."
(Charisma check ensues)
Antipaladin:"I nail an announcement to the message board. Badass looking for cleric with evil powers for assistance in battle. Handsome salary. No cowards.
Warrior:"I don't think that's how it works. What are the chances of anyone even noticing the job offer before the guards come looking for us?"
DM:"A couple hours later, a carrier pigeon delivers you a resumè."
(Shows henchman's sheet)
Warrior:"...they sent a RESUMÈ?"
Antipaladin:"Welcome to the world of professional evildoing."

[Necroticplague]

Um... well I guess kidnapping is sometimes applied to adults, though my local news stations prefer to use the term 'abducted' for them.
Oddly enough, the law is kinda reversed on that. "Kidnapping" is a general term meaning to move someone against their will, while "abduction" is specifically the act of illegally removing a child from their guardians. So you can only abduct non-emancipated minors, but you can kidnap anyone.

[goto124]

PC1: For starters, it means you're male, and I don't have to ask a rather rude and embarrassing question that popped into my head a moment ago.



Me: The cat emphatically communicates a desire for salmon.
Druid: Tell me, why did you think getting a familiar was a good idea again?

I emphatically communicate a desire for salmon.

What? Salmon is delicious! The best fish of them all.


Um... well I guess kidnapping is sometimes applied to adults, though my local news stations prefer to use the term 'abducted' for them.


"abduction" is specifically the act of illegally removing a child from their guardians.

You both got it wrong - "abducted" is when the humans have been taken by aliens! Wherever Digo lives is being attacked by aliens! :smalltongue:

[Draconium]

Edward: “Your talents are wasted on such violent pursuits, Sylvia. You possess great strength, but you mustn’t allow it to cloud your judgement. Channel your anger, or it shall consume you.”
Sylvia: "Ah, shove it, ya old geezer."

Edward: You guys really aren't subtle about your evilishness, eh?
Sylvia: Subtle? What is that, some kind of side dish?

Jiiro: "...Have I ever told you about how I met my little pet? So there I was: beating Sibby here to death with his own mother. Hmm...Her own father? Whatever. I was beating Sibby with it's own parent when another crocodile rose from the depths to test it's mettle against me and the fight got interesting. That draws the attention of the other crocodiles though, so soon I'm swinging two crocodiles, riding a third, wrestling a fourth and eating a scrawny one that died early when this landwyrm bursts from the undergrowth looking for a fight..."

Athlipsi: He can fit through the standard 5' door space door via squeezing.
Jiiro: That's what she said. :smallcool:

Edward: Also, hooooooooly crap this party is a mess. I love it.

Jiiro: Bringing the team together over crocodile genitals is one way for us to bond, I suppose. It's probably the best one too.

Enoch: Can I make a diplomacy check to convince the crocodile to tell me it's gender?

[AmewTheFox]

"I lick the pyramid."

Later..

"I lick the door."

From a Dungeon World campaign...

[goto124]

Enoch: Can I make a diplomacy check to convince the crocodile to tell me it's gender?

"It says it sexually identifies as a crocodile."


"I lick the door."

There's a Japanese game show for everything (http://tokyodesu.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/21-door-handle.gif). I know that's technically the doorknob.

[DigoDragon]

Sylvia: Subtle? What is that, some kind of side dish?

Spoken like a true PC :smallbiggrin:
Also, my players have an alligator with them. Tends to just take up space and be lazily threatening when needed.


You both got it wrong - "abducted" is when the humans have been taken by aliens! Wherever Digo lives is being attacked by aliens! :smalltongue:

Aliens abducting Floridians... yeah I can see it.



Warrior:"...they sent a RESUMÈ?"

I'd interview this henchman!

[Noyoki]

Ah, D&D... Will you ever not spawn some great out of context quotes? All of these are from the same campaign naturally


Korch (wizard): So how many barrels of gunpowder did you say was in that storeroom?
Wan (gunslinger): Dunno, I stopped counting after a twenty.
Mej (cleric): There was definitely more than twenty in there.


Korch: We may have a problem.
Tyrian (alchemist): Shen isn't here and there's an angry mob outside. When has that ever not translated into a problem?


Terry (fighter): Would you look at that, Shen actually didn't piss of someone with enough power to make our lives hell.
Mej: Still trying to figure out if that means he somehow managed to succeed in making our lives hell anyways.


Tyrian: I'm an alchemist! I have to be good with numbers or bad things happen with my experiments!
Korch: Being good with numbers is one thing, being good with money is another thing entirely.


Wan: I think he's [Shen] full of ****.
*Mej and Tyrian are on the ground laughing from Wan's statement; Korch is still face palming from the story*
Terry: *grinning* No, he is a literal piece of **** now.
*It clicks for Wan and he is laughing his ass off now*

[ZeroGear]

I love the fact that this situation happened naturally.

Vick: *Comes in and notices Samson sitting at the table with a black eye and ice on his crotch* "What happened to you?"
Samson: *Jabs thumb at Terra* She backhanded me with her sword."
Terra: "You deserved it."
S: "How did I deserve it?"
T: "I told you, it hurt!"
S: "That's because you insisted on rushing things."
T: "It was a vile and unpleasant act! Did you expect me to enjoy something like that!"
S: "You would have if you had just let me do what I'm good at!"
T: "Is it not bad enough that I had to suffer through such indignation?!"
S: "Indignation? There is nothing indignant about it! And I told you, there are proper steps to everything! Bu no, you had to learn the hard way, didn't you? You had to try and rush things! I warned you that there are procedures, I warned you that it would heart if I didn't prepare you, but no, don't listen to the guy with more experience. And then you decided that it hurt, so you whacked me with that blasted sword of yours!"
T: "You dare insult the blade of my family?!"
S: "I don't know, are you insulting my experience?"
T: "Your experience in such vile acts doesn't amount to much."
S: "Doesn't amount to...What the hell do you know about it you stuck-up, introverted little..."
V: "Ok, now hold one everyone. Let's just all take a deep breath and calm down. Now, what exactly happened between you two?"
S: *Calms down* "Remember when we faced the Cleric?"
V: "Yeah."
S: "Remember how she was the one on the table?"
V: "I was kinda wondering about that."
S: "Well, I promised to make sure that was never going to happen again."
V: "So..."
S: "Yes, we tried to do that. But someone wanted to rush things and ended up whacking me with the pommel of her sword, and kicking me in the tender bits. Twice!"
T: "I said I was sorry. Besides, I have rope burns too you know."
V: *Raises eyebrow*
S: "She really didn't want to cooperate. Blindfolds and ropes really help at times."

[ZxxZ]

Raz: Well younggun, do you want a piece of hard candy?
Gurgak: Uhh, sure scary man
Raz: The pact has been Sealed!

[Inevitability]

Me: There's this new thread on the roleplaying forum where people can ask for feedback on character alignments. Want me to describe your halfling there?
Ranger's Player: Okay, but only if you do it neutrally. Only say exactly what he did.
Me: That's...
Ranger's Player: No wait, I changed my mind. Don't say what he did.

[Gallade]

(OOC conversation)
Bard:"So, if I wanted to cast this spell, how much blood would I need for the mixture?"
DM:"It does say a mixture of dirt and caster's blood, but doesn't specify the quantity. I'd say about a shot glass? 1d4 damage and 1 Con damage."
Bard:"Why so specific?"
DM:"Because that's how much it would take to make a fistful of mixture with the same feel as cookie batter."
Bard:"Oh, okay."
...
Bard:"WHY THE HECK AM I MAKING COOKIE BATTER WITH DIRT AND BLOOD?"

Magus:"Did you just turn me into a TREE?"
Bard:"Yeah, I did. At least it will keep you alive a bit."
Magus:"Wait, I'm a tree, I shouldn't be able to speak."
Bard:"And I'm deaf, I shouldn't be able to hear you."
Conjuror:"Well, I'm schizophrenic, that should explain both."

[Rakoa]

(OOC conversation)
Bard:"So, if I wanted to cast this spell, how much blood would I need for the mixture?"
DM:"It does say a mixture of dirt and caster's blood, but doesn't specify the quantity. I'd say about a shot glass? 1d4 damage and 1 Con damage."
Bard:"Why so specific?"
DM:"Because that's how much it would take to make a fistful of mixture with the same feel as cookie batter."
Bard:"Oh, okay."
...
Bard:"WHY THE HECK AM I MAKING COOKIE BATTER WITH DIRT AND BLOOD?"

More like how did the DM know how much blood to mix with dirt to create cookie batter?

[DigoDragon]

Master Librarian: “Simply put, Ace lacks self-preservation. He is incapable of understanding life and death. He knows of pain, but he does not understand the concept of mortality like we do.”
Midnight: “Wait, what does that mean, 'incapable of understanding life and death'? He can't be that oblivious. Unless there's something else about him you haven't told us.”
Master Librarian: “Minutes ago I asked him to be bitten by the spawn and he did not question it. Either he is overly eager to appease others, or he is an idiot.”
Spirit: “I'd post a scan of a few early panels of my copy of Start of Darkness, but Rich tends to not appreciate things like that. So instead something something child Xykon.”

Beryl: “I am this close to headcanoning that her name actually IS ‘Master Librarian’.”

Spirit: “Never underestimate the therapeutic properties of the common household alligator.”

Frostbite: “Wow. Well, that answers any doubts I may have had about the Master Librarian.”
Spirit: “We have successfully broken half the party and our auxiliary interrogator. And none of the prisoners. If our aim ever gets better, we'd be terrifying.”

Spirit: “After watching an episode of Phineas and Ferb with my younger siblings, the parallels between Spirit and Doctor Doofenshmirtz are uncanny.”
DM: “So is Ace going to be your expy assistant ‘Norm’?”
Spirit: “Relations with Ace are yet to be seen. How that falls out depends on how similar Ace is to a giant, friendly robot.
Frostbite: “Is Spirit planning on taking over the Tri-state area?”
Spirit: “How could he do that when he doesn't have a single Inator?”
Trace: “Spirit needs to be trained in Perform to be Doofenshmirtz. How else can he pull off those song and dance numbers?”
Crossguard: “DoofenSpirit Evil Incorporated! Also, Crossguard will not stand by when Spirit does that.”

Crossguard: *Crashes through [Spirit’s] secret lair window*
Spirit: “Huh, a paladin?”
Crossguard: *Puts on the fedora*
Spirit: “Crossguard the paladin!”
DM: “She's a lawful heroic unicorn mammal of action
She's a furry little flathoof who'll never flinch from a fra-ee-ay-ee-ay!
She is more than just a knight
She's got sorcerer's spells and a smite
And the bronies swoon whenever they hear her say...
(pause)
*Neiiiiigh*
(bronies swoon)
She's Crossguard, Crossguard, the paladin!
She's Crossguard, Crossguard, the paladin!
Agent C!!”

[goto124]

Why is the DM of all people breaking into song and dance? Talk about a musical! :smalltongue:


Magus:"Did you just turn me into a TREE?"
Bard:"Yeah, I did. At least it will keep you alive a bit."
Magus:"Wait, I'm a tree, I shouldn't be able to speak."

PC1: In a few moments, PC1 is covered in/replaced by a towering rowan tree.
PC2: PC2 raps a knuckle on PC1's bark, and says, "Well I've got no idea what it's useful for, but now we know. Could you get out of that though, because I have no idea how to get home without you."
PC1: PC2, you are standing there knocking on and talking to a tree.

[Inevitability]

Me: Your enemy is sadly suffering a case of split personality. And by 'personality', I mean 'torso'.

Me: The cleric is a full caster too, he just hides it beneath his fat.

Wizard: I'm starting to think allying with this violent racist dwarf might not have been as clever as I thought.
Ranger: And it only took you one PC death and half the party getting captured for him to figure it out.

[goto124]

Me: The cleric is a full caster too, he just hides it beneath his fat.

Casters spend all their time holed up in libraries reading dusty tomes, how do they get any exercise to stay thin?

[Necroticplague]

Bruta: If I knew anything about equine reproductive anatomy, this would probably answer a lot of questions.

Gene: I think I'm having a crisis of conscience
Shibu: You have a conscience?
Gene: No, but sometimes my vices conflict with each other.

[Inevitability]

Me: And with another blow, the warrior downs the ranger, too. What do you want to do?
Wizard: I've surrendered, I just wait.
Me: The warrior glances at you to make sure you are still there, then walks over to the cleric and spits on his unconscious body.
Wizard: Still waiting...
Me: The warrior slowly rises his axe, eyes fixed on the cleric's neck.
Wizard: Not doing anything.
Me: Are you sure? It's obvious the warrior will kill the cleric.
Wizard: My character believes he's simply celebrating his victory.
Me: *sigh* Roll sense motive.
Wizard: *rolls 1* There, you see? So, what happens?
Me: The warrior rises his axe even further, screams, and brings it down upon the cleric's neck. This deals *rolls* 25 points of damage, more than enough to kill him. Make a new character, I guess.
Cleric: Are you happy now?
Wizard: Hey, I'm not going to metagame.

[the OOD]

Albert Horst: I got this!
R.O.V.E.R. MK 17: *spins GAU-8 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GAU-8_Avenger)* up to firing speed
Adam Eden: you realize that you are using the White House as your firing backdrop, right?
Albert: ...right, sorry.
MK 17: *spin down GAU-8*

Dirctor Barca: *walks into barracks* *pause* what is that?
Helvetica Jones: the real Spear of Destiny.
Barca: how on earth did you-
Helvetica: stole it.
Barca: what, but, h-, WHEN?
Helvetica: 'bout half an hour ago.
Barca: so that explains that phone call.

Adam Eden: Owen is so screw-the rules that he screwed the rule that Australians are screw-the-rules, and proceeded to become a by-the-book military member.

Adam Eden: the sun missed!
GM: friggin range penalties.

the elf's not a threat, it's handcuffed to the dinosaur!

Hacker/Martial Arts Instructor: the number of hacker martial arts instructor players in this game can not be representative of the population.

GM: so Albert is now the oldest member of TERMINIUS.
All Players: WHAT? :smalleek:
Adam Eden: what the hell? I mean, Haywood's only been around since roman times, but Adam has been alive since THE DAWN OF AGRICULTURE.
GM: *facepalm* right, Albert is now the third oldest member of TERMINIUS, at 74 years old.
Adam: kids these days.

[Inevitability]

Me: Well, it is a spell, but really badly written. As in, toddler-with-a-ink-pot bad. The person who wrote this probably thought going through a dictionary and circling everything that sounds tasty is a good way to make a shopping list.

[Sith_Happens]

Shonen (OOC): "The question that needs answering is, how does one differentially smelt with Fireballs."

(I actually have a few sessions' worth of quotes I should try to remember at some point.)

[Noyoki]

"Quickly! Jump into the gelatinous cube and let it tank the damage!"

[Gallade]

DM:"A small troop of Pooka is surrounded by giant insects, and struggling to escape."
Antipaladin:"Ha. Too easy. I go ahead, snap my fingers, and they all die."
(Channel Negative Energy, resulting in some damage among the insects and several dead Pooka)
DM:"You started slaughtering the fey who begged help from you. They have retreated, leaving you to face the giant bugs they were struggling against. And since you charged ahead so you could 'kill everything' yourself, help is a long way from there. And you look a much bigger meal to them. Looks like Karma is at work"
Antipaladin:"I spit on Karma! They're bugs, I'll squash them! You guys just kill those rabbits as they run away."
Conjurer:"But they never attacked us..."
Antipaladin:"I say they have to die, period."
DM:(Shifts alignment to Stupid Evil)
(Several confirmed criticals later, flanked on all sides)
Antipaladin:"Damn you Karma! You are why evil guys can't have nice things!"

Warrior:"Is there anything we can do for him?"
(Heal check)
Archivist:"I'm terribly sorry, but your friend has given up the ghost, or whatever was left of it. He left his rotting mortal coil. He joined the choruses invisible of hell. He's stiff, lifeless, gone! He's history! He's bought the farm, his heart has stopped and his brain is cold, he is so, so dead. THIS! IS AN EX-EX-PALADIN!
Magus:"Is there anything we can do to bring him back?"
Ranger:"He took the form of an undead long ago, did he not? Even the best cleric would only be able to bring him back as he was before then. And then again, he would have to reject everything he's done as an undead."
Bard:"What does that mean?"
Ranger:"He'd have to turn over a new leaf. Give up undeath and embrace life. Make amends for every innocent he has taken. Take vows to Sarenrae to never lose himself to the darkness again. Renounce Urgathoa and never again speak Her name. Abandon his studies as necromancer, undergo ordeals to cleanse his sin..."
Antipaladin (OOC):"I'm giving you the fingers. ALL of them."
Bard:"Okay, plan B. Where do you keep your shovels?"

[DigoDragon]

"Quickly! Jump into the gelatinous cube and let it tank the damage!"

...actually, that is a pretty brilliant idea.


DM: “Ivy opens her mouth to ask a question, but then shuts up and tries to pretend she's not spying.”

Crossguard: “A knight without conviction and faith/friendship/whatever she believes in, is as strong as a pillow fort is against a windstorm.”

Master Librarian: “The Brotherhood moves forward like an octopus. You must pick one arm and hack at it continuously until it severs. An octopus with seven arms cannot perform eight actions.”
Spirit: “It takes exactly one hundred and thirty days for an octopus to regenerate a completely severed arm from scratch. Less for a mangled one.”
Master Librarian: “You are being far too literal with the simile.”

Beryl: “Wait. I'm sorry. For yelling at you like that.”
Prisoner: “Well, it's alright. I suppose if either of you ladies really want to make it up to me, I wouldn't mind either of you buying me a drink.”
Buckler: “Don't hit on the paladins. They tend to hit back.”

DM: “The Master Librarian is the product of shipping Egon Spengler with Moondancer.”

Spirit: “Probably the best way to get [Spirit] emotionally invested in taking down the Brotherhood would be abuse of non-equine sentients.”
DM: “Okay, abuse fairies or something... I'll see what I can do.”

Midnight: “You know what, they'd better be working on something scarier than these ashpiles. We killed, what, four of them just tonight?”
Spirit: “And then Midnight, like Spike, became Rainbow Dash. I'm completely okay with this; Rainbow Dash is the middle bingo square of shipping grids.”

[Khaiel]

Female Merchant: I do not mix pleasure and businesses, I'm sorry.
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Who said anything about businesses?

First Mate Dunkel: It's not sex for Dunkel if the female survives.

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Oh, when I want to deflower a girl to stop an evil sultan from marrying her and sacrificing her to extend his life, it is creepy, but when the son of the Caliph does it, it's not. Well, that's racist.

GM: The artifacts allow for verbal communication over long distances. It works better the stronger the relationship between those talking to each other is.
Pilot Cain: Dunkel and I both want to cook Doc to see what he tastes like.
GM: I'll take that as "Strong Friendship".

Captain Longsword: Well... For that much money, I think we could turn a blind eye on this and...
Evil Sultan: You would have to give me your zepelin too.
Captain Longsword: ... And I roll for Attack. Do I get Surprise on him or do I have to roll Stealth for that?

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Mr Striker, get this man to the infirmary. And these two men to the "infirmary".

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: We now are both extremely supernatural pirates AND national heroes in Kushistan. Romeo Exxet, The XIIIth Cardinal and 78 other Inquisitors in our area liked that and would like to know our location.

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: I hit on the Duk'Zarist chick.
GM: On the woman that's probably six times your age and who is from a race that considers all other races as little more than talking animals?
Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Hey sweetie, what's a place like this doing around a girl like you? *Rolls dice, gets max success in Anima*
GM: Why do I even ask?

[Necroticplague]

Dr Doctor Zoidberg: Oh, when I want to deflower a girl to stop an evil sultan from marrying her and sacrificing her to extend his life, it is creepy, but when the son of the Caliph does it, it's not. Well, that's racist.

Wait, this isn't the default response to hearing about virgin sacrifices?

[Gallade]

Warrior:"What do we do with the corpse now?"
Bard:"Can I cast Abundant Ammunition on his coffin? This way we can catapult him on the imperials over and over and over."



Conjuror:"Wait, remind me...do water elementals swim?"

[BootStrapTommy]

Fighter: Why is his hand going through your ass?

"Paladin": *Rubbing the Barbarian's nose into the floor* Bad Rum! Give me that. You don't pick up things unless we tell you to.

"Paladin": I tie a leash to Rum and drag him with me.

Fighter: I light the butterflies on fire.

Fighter: We pick up Rum, throw him at it, and hope for the best.

Barbarian: I was going to astound the monsters with my nakedness. Death by indecency!

Fighter: I tie the rat's tail to the stick. It's a rat-fail.

Fighter: You are quit possibly the most useless ghost ever. I hate you.

"Paladin": I ask the doppelganger to turn into the ghost, but without clothes on.

"Paladin": Resurrection spells can't unrape your corpse.

Doppelganger: And what will you do if I don't give it to you?
"Paladin": Probably kill you.
Doppelganger: Okay, here you go.

Fighter: Why am I the only one who knows anything about magic? My forte is suppose to be stabbing people.

Ghost: I didn't want the wand falling into the wrong hands. I now realize that that precludes you guys.

[TurboGhast]

Varis: *Looks at character sheet* Wait, what? I thought I bought a 10 foot pole?

[Inevitability]

Me: You threatened him with a hypothetical knife!

Player: I could go save the other guys, or I could stay here and adjust my magic armor so that it fits me. Decisions, decisions...

[DigoDragon]

Spirit: “Dear Master Librarian, Today I learned about volcanoes, and for some reason, I can't stop smiling! How to feed them, how to care for them, which can be used as stealth units, eight different ways their eruptions can kill you, and at least six different ways to productively use these gorgeous natural resources!”

Frostbite: “Fun fact: Continents are pretty huge in general.”
Midnight: “That does tell us that the region we're in is approximately the size of Florida.”
DM: “A horseshoe-shaped Florida!”
Spirit: “...This explains so much, yet so little...”

Frostbite: “What happens if we cast Pass Without Trace while Trace is still with us? Does the spell force him to turn around and leave us? What if we cast it on him? Will he vanish?”
DM: “I'll just mimic the same result as throwing a Bag of Holding into a Portable Hole.”

Beryl: “In brightest smile, in warmest loaf…”

Beryl: “...now I'm seeing it as Spirit in bear form ranting to an ordinary bear, using Speak with Animals so he can convincingly rant in bear at it.”

Spirit: “And now you all know that I never watched Powerpuff Girls.”
DM: “Fear not, your dark, embarrassing secret is safe with us.”
White Text: “Not.”

Midnight: “Come to think of it, that's another obvious place for Midnight's character development to go: making him less prejudiced against Sun worshippers.”
DM: “What did the sun ever do for us? Besides heat stokes and skin cancer?”
Crossguard: “Agriculture would be much harder, as would drying clothes on a clothesline. Solar-cooked hot dogs...”
Spirit: “Solutions, in order: Magic or fungus, fire, and using a grill.”
Crossguard: “Sun tanning?”
Spirit: “Can ponies tan?”
DM: “I suppose if you shave 'em down first.”

[goto124]

DM: “I'll just mimic the same result as throwing a Bag of Holding into a Portable Hole.”

Universe falls, everyone dies?

[Inevitability]

Universe falls, everyone dies?

Nothing that extreme. The bag and hole are merely sucked into each other and forever lost.

Placing a Portable Hole in a Bag of Holding, however, is slightly less pleasant.

[DigoDragon]

Placing a Portable Hole in a Bag of Holding, however, is slightly less pleasant.

I once helped design a Portable Hole the size of a car tarp, and we put that inside a Garage of Holding.

The Home Owners Association did not like us after that incident. :smallbiggrin:

[Gallade]

Paladin:"I still have a few doubts, but I think the Governor has been possessed by an Asura."
Terry:"You're telling me we're up against a blood-thirsty, merciless being who treats men like cattle to slaughter?"
Bard:"Yeah, that plus a demon."

[ZxxZ]

ST: The immaculates kick down the bar door, and charge in. Their captain yells, "We've been looking for you for a while, Beuracrat!"
Assassin Thrashing Wind: "If you excuse me, I have papers to push and spiders to bribe. I apologize if I suddenly cease to exist right about now."

[Spacebatsy]

Semi-RPG in Vermintide

Dwarf: It’s coming, kill it!
Imperial soldier: What is?
Dwarf: The vermin-rat! Kill the vermin-rat!
Bright Wizard: That’s extremely unspecific!

Witch finder: Hook-rat’s got me! I require assistance!
Bright Wizard: I’m on my way!
Imperial soldier: Stay with the group, Saltzpyre!
Witch finder: I’m being dragged off… No? What?… IT’S HANGING ME! HELP! Oh God help! Witch! Help me and all will be forgotten!!
Bright Wizard: I got it, I got it!
Witch finder: Get me down! Getmedowngetmedowngetmedown!
Dwarf: Chill
Witch finder: What the hell kind of game is this?! God! Not cool! :smallmad:

Imperial soldier: Hooker! Hooker! The hooker’s got me! Help! Get it off!
Bright Wizard: Now really, Kruber! I’m shocked and appalled. Is it too much to ask that you to keep your mind on the rat-apocalypse?
Imperial soldier: Hilarious. Help!

Witch finder: Fine shot Dwarf! Sigmar must be guiding your aim
*alarm goes off*
Witch finder: Guys, can you protect me a sec? I got to get my chocolate-cake out of the oven
Imperial soldier: *laughter* be quick
(…)
Witch finder: I’m back… What happened to you?
Imperial soldier: The swarm attacked! You said a sec!
Dwarf: Hope that cake tastes good. You know, now that we seasoned it with our blood! :smallmad:
Witch finder: It’s delicious

Dwarf: Sounds like a take-out order. “One hard Magnus Horn with everything” :smallsmile:

[AdmiralCheez]

DM: The dragon egg looks like barely cooled lava.
Nadarr: Kill it! Kill it with... not fire.
Julio: Ice?
Mordai: Wait, you have ice breath!
Nadarr (Singing): Ice, ice baby!
DM: That's the most messed up thing I've ever heard.


DM: Remember - you are invisible, and all of the doors... are doors.


Aedan: I'd just like to point out that the character with amnesia is also the guy having memory problems with his computer.


Dravin: If you could just not talk for the rest of the month, that would be great.
Finley: But I'm hungry!
Dravin: Then stick some food in your mouth, and stop talking!


Nadarr: On second thought, buying a gallon of alchemist's fire has way too high of a chance of going sideways on us.


Dravin: So... we can sacrifice the paladin and keep the dragon egg, or we can sacrifice the dragon egg and save the paladin.
Finley: Tough choice.


Tymorel: Do the stone giants even know we have the dragon egg?
Julio: We left it sitting in their living room, so... yes. It would be hard to miss.

[Gallade]

Ninja:"Is that a treasure chest?"
DM:"No, that's a bookcase."
Ninja:"Is that a treasure chest?"
DM:"No, that's a statue."
Ninja:"Is that a treasure chest?"
DM:"Well, it's a chest alright."
Succubus:"Eyes up here, buddy."

[goto124]

Well, it is a great place to place sufficiently small treasures - not many people would dare reach in there!

I have a PC with a Bag of Holding inside her... chest. She's constantly pulling things out of her... chest. It's great fun :smallbiggrin:

[ZeroGear]

Vick: "What's with Lance?"
Xaltaer: "He's trying to outrun Samson."
Vick: "Why?"
Xaltaer: "Because Samson want to find out what happens when you stick a portable hole into the Haversack pants."
Vick: "So?"
Xaltaer: "Lance is still wearing them."
Lance: "KEEP THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!"

Vick: "Samson, did you just get us in by Bugs Bunnying the guard?"
Lance: "Yep."

Tarra: "Why do all out quests involve rescuing the daughters of rich individuals."
Xaltaer: "Because you let Samson pick the quests."
Terra: "Ah, that explains it."

*after tracking down the daughter of an influential merchant*
Vick: "Is that her?"
Samson: "I think so."
Terra: "Arm yourself everyone, we fight for..."
Lance: "Hold on, I got this."
Terra: "What?"
L: "Trust me. Stay here and wait for me to get clear." *Walks out form hiding spot and approaches the orc bandits* "Achem, excuse he, good sirs."
Orc Bandit: "Huh? Who are you?"
L: "Hi, I'm the guy who'll be taking the girl."
*Orcs laugh*
OB: "Hah! Me thinks not."
L: "Oh, I am."
OB: "No, you not."
L: "I am."
OB: "You not."
L: "I am."
OB: "You Not!"
L: "I Am!"
OB: "YOU NOT!"
L: "I AM!"
OB: "YOU NOT!!"
L: "I'M NOT!!" *successful bluff check*
OB: "YOU IS!!"
L: "I'M NOT!!"
OB: "YOU IS!!!"
L: "I"M NOT AND THAT'S FINAL!"
OB: "YOU IS OR I'S SMASH YOU INTO PASTE!!!"
L: "Alright, alright, I'll take her. Sheesh." *grabs merchant's daughter and starts briskly walking away*
OB: *snorts* "Good. Now...wait."
*Bandit camp is obliterated by Xaltaer's fireballs and Vick's lightning*

[Gallade]

*snip*


The old Bugs Bunny method...even better than the Nat 20 Bluff check that let the Bard rob a mayor of his wallet in the middle of a fight.

Antipaladin:"So, what happens now that I'm dead? Do I go to hell or Limbo?"
DM:"Given that your last act was slaughtering innocents who begged for their life, you'll be in Limbo for a couple minutes, then tossed into the Abyss."
Antipaladin:"And then?"
DM:"You join the other billions of wicked souls, possibly serve as a soldier in the army of a demon."
Antipaladin:"Awesome."
DM:"What? It's supposed to be eternal damnation!"
Antipaladin:"But I like being a demon! Can I try to take over the Abyss next?"
DM:"No!"
Antipaladin:"Become a demon lord?"
DM:"No!"
Antipaladin:"Can I become an evil warlock's familiar?"
DM:"...you are the reason soul traps exist."

(Magus and Bard both get 20 on their Perception check)
Both:That sounded just like a Tiefling, weighing 90 to 120 pounds, accompanied by a giant scorpion and two oozes."
Magus:"By the way, what's a tiefling?"
Bard:"Wait, do I know what a tiefling is?"
(Poor Knowledge check ensues)
Bard:"Dang. Scilla [Succubus], do you know what tiefling are?"
DM:"She slaps her forehead and explains the bare bones of the concept. Bare being the key word. She even helps herself with gestures."
(I leave the nature of the gestures to your imagination)
Bard:"That was both too much and not enough information."


Bard:"Wait, this tiefling assassin is resistant to fire..."
DM:"Yes."
Bard:"And he uses a chain to pull us closer to himself...
DM:"Yes."
Bard:"And he's wearing a black garb and a yellow mask..."
DM:"Yes."
Bard:"And he tames scorpions..."
DM:"Yes."
Bard:"And when he knocked out Terry, this voice came out of nowhere saying "Finish him"...."
DM:"Yeah."
Bard:"...get outta here. Now."

Sniper:"I can't see crap!"
Magus:"I attack the assassin."
Sniper:"Seriously, any of you has a light?"
Bard:"I get close and shoot him."
Sniper:"I could be useful, you know..."
Magus:"Ouch, he got me!"
Bard:"It's ok, we have darksight."
Sniper:"I don't!"
DM:"You just have a thing for rushing into caves without torches, don't you."
Magus:"Why? I don't need them."
Sniper:"I DO!"
DM:"Why not bring your own then?"
Sniper:"Because I have this big-ass rifle and only TWO HANDS!"

[Gracht Grabmaw]

Our GM, summing up the epilogue of our last Forgotten Realms game together:

"So [the druid] and [the monk] go on to be the wizened NPC mentor figures for the next generation of heroes... and [the presumed wizard, actually warlock] becomes the next big evil that their students have to take down."

[DigoDragon]

Trace: “Roll wisdom for what? Trying to figure out how a corpse just gets up and pretends to be alive? Knowledge on the spider pony?”
Beryl: “No, for shipping Spirit against my better judgement. Stupid brain, stop being stuck on ‘Ship ALL the ponies!’ already.”
Spirit: “There's another setting?”

Spirit: “I mean, it's been months and we haven't even burned a building to the ground. If this were Undertale, we'd all still be EXP 0.”
Beryl: “Well, there was that ship, but it wasn't us. Fires have been set when we were nearby, but other than that, we didn't start any.”
Trace: “So what you are saying is.... we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world was turning.”
Beryl: “No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it.”

Trace: “Wait, sharing? What’s going on?”

Ace: “Note to self—Anti-spider polymorph spells! Maybe [Trace] will like me if I find a way to turn his ex-marefriend into a newt.”
Beryl: “Why couldn't we have picked up a nice Conjurer who could summon Celestial Badgers or something?”

Crossguard: “Yeah, Ace better be careful. Crossguard can benchpress him. Eventually.”
DM: “Maybe sooner than that. Ace is like... the pony version of a scrawny 18 year old. Wizards aren't generally known to be 'meaty' characters. At least Ace isn't. …Probably will have nightmares of hoof-wrestling Crossguard.”

Spirit: “If he were a Diviner, he'd already know how Frostbite'd react!”

Spirit: “Spirit's breakdown of schools:

Abjuration: Don't get hurt in a fight.
Conjuration: Never be alone in a fight.
Divination: Don't get into a fight you can't stomp.
Enchantment: Make your fights other peoples' fights.
Evocation: Ensure that people will get hurt this fight. Often you.
Illusion: Never get caught in a fight.
Necromancy: Win fights, effectively, with minimal risk.
Transmutation: Rig the board in your favor.”

[goto124]

Crossguard: “Yeah, Ace better be careful. Crossguard can benchpress him. Eventually.”
DM: “Maybe sooner than that. Ace is like... the pony version of a scrawny 18 year old. Wizards aren't generally known to be 'meaty' characters. At least Ace isn't. …Probably will have nightmares of hoof-wrestling Crossguard.”

Why nightmares? Why not dreams, if you know what I mean? :smallamused:

[Gallade]

Magus:"We're up against some kind of silo who keeps belching out storm clouds. Any idea?"
Bard:"Nope, I forgot to prepare my Destroy Storm Cloud Belching Silo spell today."
Magus:"Well, any other idea to counter this Storm cloud Belching Silo who also pukes out elementals?"
Bard:"With a Storm cloud and elemental-eating silo?"
Magus:"You got one?"
Bard:"Nope."

[Inevitability]

Cleric: I roll handle animal to call the horses! They must help me fight this monster! *rolls 2*
DM: You hear some whinnying that you, had you been able to understand the ancient and mysterious language of horses, would have recognized as 'hell no'.

DM: Some time after the rogue has escaped using the stolen keys, a pair of guards approach.
Guard: Listen up, strangely short gnome, strangely tall gnome, and... wait, where did the third gnome go?
Ranger: Sorry, can't hear you.
Guard: Tell me now!
Ranger: Not afraid of you.
Guard: We'll see how quickly you'll change your mind once I get... wait, where are my keys?
Ranger: There's only one set of keys, right?
DM: Yes... :smallannoyed:
Ranger: :smallbiggrin:

DM: And the guard hits you again, for five more points of damage. I can't believe you easily killed a cleric and scared his pet dire bat off but have trouble with a CR 1/2 guard.
Cleric: I... I GRAB THE UNKNOWN RED POTION AND THROW IT IN HIS MOUTH! *rolls*
DM: The bottle smashes into his face, dealing some damage. Also, part of the potion ends up in his mouth.
Cleric: What does it do?
DM: He doubles in size. After a moment of surprise, the guard looks down at you menacingly.
Cleric: I still have a 5 ft. step this round, right?
DM: Indeed, what do you want to use it for?
Cleric: I step into the ravine behind me.

DM: So that's two PC deaths in the past two sessions. I love my job.

Rogue: I stab the dwarf!
DM: You stab the dwarf?
Ranger: Don't stab the dwarf!
Cleric: Stab the dwarf!
DM: It's so nice we're all on the same page here.

Rogue: Knife goes in, blood comes out.

[AmewTheFox]

"You come back and see (the wizard) stabbing a slab of rubber."

[Sith_Happens]

Logan: "...S***, I'm starting to trust Elphinna aren't I?"

Logan (to Elphinna): "We need a codephrase, how about our safe word?"
DM: "You have a safe word?"
Shonen (OOC): "Elphinna's safe word is 'Damage Reduction.'"

Shonen (OOC): "...Yeah, I'd definitely say any music from Catherine is grappling-related."

[TurboGhast]

DM: Your alligator employer is training to become a ninja.
Varis: Cool!

Veit: That damage reduced Pepper to exactly 0 HP.
DM: I seeded the loot with an item that would help with this, but you skipped the room that I placed the item in!

Veit: Imagine a barbarian coming out of the water, saying "I would like to sell these shortswords, and buy some javelins."

[IZ42]

Kadic: "...Orthosexual Socially Awkward Cleric-turned-Necromancer..."

[Taet]

DM: Make a guts check! :smallamused:
P3: (fails hard, but not hard enough to get a phobia)
DM: Ok you vomit, run to the back of the cave, and try to hide. :smalltongue:
P4: In the back of this cave? What if it's full of swamp gas? We'll die! :smalleek:
P2: If [P3] passes out, we'll find out. :smallsmile:
P1: We have our very own yaller canary. :smallamused:
P3: :smallannoyed:

P5: I set the baby T-rex on fire! :smallbiggrin:
P4: Now I don't even need to light this. I throw the stick of dynamite at it! :smallcool:
(one very big BOOM later)
P3: You're not "Short Stuff" any more. You're "Short Fuse". :smalltongue:

P2: Is that noise the chickens, or [P3]?
P3: :smallsigh:

[the OOD]

Helvetica Jones: I cast Power Word: Velociraptor!
*a dozen velociraptors, a lawn chair, and and a tub of popcorn appear in front of Helvetica*
Markus: that's beautiful.:smallbiggrin:
Helvetica: admit it; I'm the best caster ever.:smallcool:

R.O.V.E.R MK17: *fires minigun*
GM: combat over, everything dies.
Albert Horst: yeah, but that's outside of the MK17's visual range, so it's going to keep "suppressing" that direction until someone else can confirm the kill.

Albert Horst: today I learned that spraying with full-auto weapons is not a good combination with invisible party members.

Markus: Haywood was the social glue of TERMINUS, he made sure that all the Strike Team members were at most on step removed from being friends.
Coral: *all* the strike team mebers?:smallconfused:
Markus: well, all the cool kids.
Adam Eden: namely, Adam, Helvetica, and Haywood.

Albert Horst: hey, Adam's really old, what background feat did he take?
Adam Eden: hunter-gatherer.:smalltongue:

Helvetica Jones: sh**, there goes our shot at taking on God. with our heavy hitters dead, we don't have the power to take Him in a fight.
[beat]
Helvetica: tactical nuke?
Adam Eden: yup, tactical nuke.:smallsmile:

[Gallade]

"Come to think of it, you can laugh at a Vow of Chastity Paladin of Iomedae all you want, it doesn't say anything about smiting evil or fighting the undead. He could be in a platonic relationship with a Succubus and have a necromancer as his drinking mate with no repercussions. And if you think Succubus and platonic are ideal opposites, you have never been to Sigil."

"You see, my next character is an Alchemist. He is researching to perfect his mutagen so he can become an unstoppable force, and won't hesitate to kill to achieve that goal. He is Lawful Neutral."
"What. He kills people for his own goals, and you think that's NEUTRAL?"
"It's not for his own goals, he kills them for science"
"I've seen Chaotic Stupid and Stupid Evil characters...but I've never seen a Scientific Stupid one so far. I have to redraw the alignment table."

[DigoDragon]

Why nightmares? Why not dreams, if you know what I mean? :smallamused:

Ace is easily intimidated. But maybe if he gets to know Crossguard a little better... :3



"You come back and see (the wizard) stabbing a slab of rubber."

Pfft haha! Totally random, I love it.



Shonen (OOC): "Elphinna's safe word is 'Damage Reduction.'"

*Snerk*



DM: Your alligator employer is training to become a ninja.

Alligator companions are popular this season, aren't they?



P1: We have our very own yaller canary. :smallamused:

It's funny that when RPG people become really good friends they will abuse each other in amusing ways like this. :smalltongue:



Helvetica: tactical nuke?
Adam Eden: yup, tactical nuke.:smallsmile:

If you can't beat 'em, level the playing field?


Trace: “Just getting it out of the way, Trace and Frost are starting an orphan club. For orphans. We just need a third member.”
White Text: “Preferably a dangerous mute lunatic who works with potatoes and gets paid in cake.”
Midnight: “Third?”
Trace: “There is another orphan in our group? Is it Ace? Huh, I wanted to make a portal joke. Guess I wasn't thinking… with portals.”
Midnight: “Midnight said he was an orphan literally last page...”

Beryl: “So, um, and I admit this is going to sound really odd, Did anypony else have one of those strange dreams again? Because I did. I was... at a party and also outside trying to break in. At least nopony was dead from poison muffins this time.”

Spirit: “Ace! Up and at 'em. Time to hit the shop! Don't want to wait too long to scribe that scroll.”
Ace: “Hmmm? Scribble scrolls? Sure... first gotta the coffee thing... with the pot.... and brew some books.”

[Gallade]

Magus:"Be right back, I'm going to patent my Shield of Shielding."

(OOC conversation)
Magus:"So, all we need now is..."
Bard:"Gloves of Smithing, Wand of Remove Curse, Branded Belt of Infinite Knives, Ring of Unlimited Gender Change, Monocle of Read Anything, Ring of the Archivist."
Magus:"And that's how you take over the world with just two guys."


"Gee Magus, what are we gonna do tonight?"
"Same thing we do every night Bard, we're trying to take over the world."
They're Magus and the Bard
The Magus and the Bard
One's a min-maxer, the other a tryhard
They got feats by the tonne
Their sheets as long as tomes
They're bogus
They're Magus and the Bard, Bard, Bard, Bard, Bard...
Before the session's through
Their plan will come unglued
They got DM's so paranoid
They'll make their actions void
They're Magus and the Bard
They're Magus and the Bard
Their antics have left many a NPC scarred
They'll rule on every race
Throw campaigns off the rails
They're bogus
They're Magus and the Bard, Bard, Bard, Bard, Bard...
"Maximized Fireball!"

[Necroticplague]

"The best part about mental time travel is always being calm. Because whenever I'm not calm, I can go beat the ever loving s*** out of someone to vent, then undo things so that never happened. Thus, perpetually relaxed."

[goto124]

Ring of Unlimited Gender Change

Ha! I have a character who has that as a supernatural ability! Not a shapeshifter or succubus!

[DigoDragon]

Spirit: “Just because your phone starts trying to kill you doesn't mean you throw it away, right?”
DM: “If my phone tried to kill me, I'd spike it like an American football on the ground and go get my boots. I'd be out... $3, if that.”

Crossguard: “Maaan... The paladins are going to end up like Sabin and Edgar from FFVI.”
DM: “I’m okay with this!”
Crossguard: “I swear to Celestia, if we meet a smart-aleck cephalopod, I'm going hit it with a blitz smite.”
Beryl: “Eh, we're safe. Ultros doesn't appear in FFXII unless you're playing as an all-female party. Which has unfortunate implications, I'll admit.”

DM: “Ace momentarily pulls himself out of his self-induced 'coffee waterboarding' upon hearing the word book.”

Beryl: “...we're going to end up fighting a swarm of Dire Muffins at some point, aren't we?”

Spirit: “Besides, all the most infamous liches started out as Diviners in the beginning. It is a promising pattern.”
Crossguard: “Spirit, quit trying to corrupt him. It's not polite.”

DM: “The streets are busy with the morning markets opening up with every kind of wares imaginable. You need food? Spell components? Baklava? Everypony likes baklava right?”

[commander panda]

Bretta: I enter the room
DM: roll reflex
Bretta: oh no…4…
DM: a fancy bottle comes flying from the corner of the room. it smashes and splatters a clear liquid all over your fur….
Bretta: nononoooo-
DM: it smells wonderful!
bretta:…what?
DM: *stand up, evil grin* AND SO DOES EVERYTHING ELSE!
https://media.giphy.com/media/vW34BCixcpqhy/giphy.gif

[Necroticplague]

Gene: Wait, the mcguffin has been under my skirt the whole time? Nice way to rip off Panty and Stocking.
DM: I am not ripping off whatever that is! I'm ripping off Ghostbusters!

[DigoDragon]

Beryl: “And suddenly, an in-character realization on why Diviners are the most common Liches. Seeing the future can be really scary when you realize you're no longer part of it. ...but then there's this ritual.”

DM: “Ace is best Xykon now?”
Trace: “If Ace is Xykon, does that make Trace Belkar or Haley? …probably the latter, which makes Beryl Elan and Spirit V. Midnight is Durkon pre vampire and Crossguard is Roy.”
Crossguard: :roy: “I approve of this message.”
DM: “I was gonna vote Trace as Belkar.”
Beryl: “Trace as Haley and Beryl as Elan? As if we didn't already have enough shipping fuel.”
White Text: “There is never enough shipping fuel.”
Beryl: “I don't see Frostbite work out as Belkar, though.”
Trace: “He can be V's familiar.”
Spirit: “Really? Spirit's not Redcloak? ...Huh. Frostbite would probably be the Monster in the Darkness, though. Same innocence and untapped potential.”
Frostbite: “I don't know how I feel about this.”

DM: “Something something #ElvenMithrilChainFTW something.”

Trace: “Moonbeam is great against shape changers. Going against a doppelganger? Beam it. Fighting a succubus? Moon it. Another druid in wild shape? Use the power of the moon.”

Spirit: “You get fed and get experimenting; I need to go milk my poison glands for a bit.”

[Chnapy]

Facing a now half white blackboard
Gwen: Do you think the Plan is complex enough yet?
Alex: Nah, we can't trust the pigeons.

Gwen: Goebbels deserves a second chance!

[goto124]

Trace: Fighting a succubus? Moon it.

All hail the Masters of the Double Meaning!

[Cristo Meyers]

Said last night at the FLGS:

"Can I please have one game where I don't get screwed by the joker?"

[Taet]

DM: “Ace momentarily pulls himself out of his self-induced 'coffee waterboarding' upon hearing the word book.”
Was this in character or out of it? :smallbiggrin:


Said last night at the FLGS:

"Can I please have one game where I don't get screwed by the joker?"
(head down on the tabletop, sobbing) :smallsigh:

[Belac93]

DM. "You walk outside your room and see the goblin hanging from the chandelier. He is completely naked, except for his socks. He begins to pee."
Radondabicular. "I say 'nope!' and walk back into my room."

Gnome Ranger. "Ok, that's it! I'm killing him!"
DM. "Drubbus, roll Stealth."
:20:
DM. "You manage to hide in a tree. Roll Acrobatics."
:3:
DM. "You fall out of the tree, in half-plate, right onto the gnome's head."
Drubbus (me). "I eat pig now, o.k? O.k."

[Bard1cKnowledge]

All hail the Masters of the Double Meaning!

Would you believe it was not intentional? Hi I'm Trace

[Spacebatsy]

Lyrm: Gah! Why won’t he understand? Can’t he see that I’m trying to save him from being trapped in a life of deceit and murder that will only bring him pain?
GM: By putting him in chains and lying to him that you killed his best friend in order to get the time to actually kill his best friend?
Lyrm: ...I’m becoming [nemesis] aren’t I?

GM: You need someone like Dough in House of Cards. He is a rock
Abenader: I have Jericus
GM: You consider Jericus a rock?
Abenader: No, true. He cracks at the slightest demon possession

Abenader: It would be good if you taught Tanai how to navigate the social structures
Sheppard: Aight! *takes notes* "Bang the new chick"

Tenai: Did you check under your pillow?
Tarna: Yes! No! I never owned a pillow. I had a tiny animal that was soft and friendly

Abenader: In any case, the God-Emperor has lead us here. It’s not always easy to read the path he lay out for us
Sheppard: Dodgy bastard

Sheppard: I’ll half-aim with my gun. In my mind

[DigoDragon]

Alex: Nah, we can't trust the pigeons.

You really can't. I won't even walk anywhere near a flying pigeon without an umbrella.



All hail the Masters of the Double Meaning!

Would you believe it was not intentional? Hi I'm Trace

I have a hard time believing that was not intentional. :smallbiggrin:



Was this in character or out of it? :smallbiggrin:

Good news, it was In Character!

Beryl: “Did you see what happened? I think I messed it up a little, but all of a sudden my sword came alive with a warm glow... and then it exploded on the bad guy.”

Ace: “Morning. Are we ready to destroy and pillage... err, I mean, destroy the undead and pillage a catac- no wait, that still doesn't sound right. Uh... we do the thing?”

Crossguard: “http://cheezburger.com/8756017408”
DM: “Spirit looks mad because someone polymorphed Ace into a bunny?”
Spirit: “Polymorphing is easy to fix in this edition. He's grumpy because Ace learned how to become a bunny rather than make zombies.”

Beryl: “Well, since Crossguard is waving, we might as well get another round of ‘that was awesome... what did I do?’ going for Beryl. Divine Smite, the owner's manual, coming up.”
Crossguard: “You mean, from the Paladin who can't ACTUALLY smite yet?”

DM: “I look forward to seeing Beryl cleave her enemies.”
Beryl: “Considering that a rapier is a thrusting weapon and her backup weapon is a mace... Cleaving her foes would indeed be quite impressive.”

[goto124]

Would you believe it was not intentional? Hi I'm Trace


I have a hard time believing that was not intentional. :smallbiggrin:


Hello, I'm a random fan of you guys! You must be a real master, to do something so impressive unintentionally!

From now on, Moonbeam is cast via the hindquarters!


GM: “Viridia did realize that Nightcore's behind, when the mare was actually moving, resembled two soft bowling balls fighting each other. It was an experience.”

[Gallade]

Warrior:"So, we have to find out what is causing the Syrantula's water level to rise.
Magus:"We're going to fight global warming?"
Sniper:"Heck no, that's bogus. I know what it is: CHEM TRAILS! They've been using it to control the world for ages now!"
Conjurer:"Is he all right?"
Magus:"Not so much since he claimed his bullet went through a random portal and ended up killing some...Fizzy Geralt Kenny guy in some other world..."

(Some investigations later...)

DM:"You see a huge, silo-shaped machine, constantly belching out vapors which coalesce into storm clouds."
Magus:"...son of a badger, why are the stupidest ideas always the right ones?"

[DigoDragon]

From now on, Moonbeam is cast via the hindquarters!

*Snerk* That's a mental image.


Spirit: “...Iiiinteresting. Ace has managed to endear himself to the two nature-oriented party members. Who both happen to be the most protective.”
DM: **continues quest to make Ace the center square on the Shipping Bingo card**

Beryl: “So, is a quad-bladed chairsaber a finesse weapon?”
DM: “That would be the stoolsaber version. Chairsabers benefit from Power Attack though.”
Beryl: “It would be really crass to ask for a stool sample here, so I won't. But I will make note that it could be done, because I am at least that crass.”

DM: “Well my [chair] joke got benched.”
Crossguard: “Shocking, huh?”
DM: “It's gotten me to laminate on my defeat.”

Beryl: “Ace, want me to help you get packed and ready? You can help me, too. Putting on armor is so much easier if you have somepony help you.”
Spirit: “You're really working for that Ace ship, aren't you?”
Beryl: “Not that I think Beryl is asking anything he'd be incredibly opposed to, mind you.”
DM: “Meanwhile, in Ace's head (http://33.media.tumblr.com/9d78e9adb478455df337f0bbde91bac9/tumblr_nwb62ijdET1st0dt8o1_500.gif).”

Beryl: “Besides, I'm only really scary when I want to be. Now, let's look at your pack and see if you have everything you'll need...”
Spirit: “You realize that he hasn't finished studying, right? You might want to wait for him to finish that before checking his bags.”
DM: “His studies had shifted to a different topic several minutes ago. Ace is totally gonna let Beryl check his bags.”

[goto124]

DM: “Meanwhile, in Ace's head (http://33.media.tumblr.com/9d78e9adb478455df337f0bbde91bac9/tumblr_nwb62ijdET1st0dt8o1_500.gif).”

First, I googled "inside out boy" and got gruesome results.

Then, I googled "inside out boy alert", got this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0qZEkXTGIc), then realized that the 'boy alert' was in a completely different context (of a father getting protective of his daughter).

So now I'm left wondering how to describe the reaction of my PC, who prior to meeting A CERTAIN PERSON had thought he was straight.

It's not often sexual orientations change for shipping and other romance purposes...

(Still hoping for a fan-made, gender-swapped version of the gif.)

[DigoDragon]

Magus:"...son of a badger, why are the stupidest ideas always the right ones?"

Cause your GM has a twisted sense of humor? :D
It was funny though.


So now I'm left wondering how to describe the reaction of my PC, who prior to meeting A CERTAIN PERSON had thought he was straight.

My google-fu did not yield anything helpful. Might have to create your own, or find someone who could create one for you.

[Sith_Happens]

Oh wow, I just realized I never posted this bit of awesome way back when it happened:

Shonen: "Iron Heart Surge to unbreak my arm."

[Necroticplague]

Oh wow, I just realized I never posted this bit of awesome way back when it happened:

Shonen: "Iron Heart Surge to unbreak my arm."

The name seem quiet apropos for that.

[Teleros]

Mk fresh quotes from last nights Session.
Gonna put the party in spoilers:


Yoshida Sadaharu - A samurai, and the leader of the party. Wants to kill all the big creatures.

Toyota Spongu-babu - A ranger, usually acts as the voice of caution. Very effective at pissing off NPCS.

Sendai - A shaman, specced to summon stuff. Tends to cast a few spells in a fight then do nothing.

Masumi Rayoku - Another shaman, more combat oriented. Tends to cast a lot of spells then melee. Usually not present.

Ryu Uzumaki - Rogue, mostly goes along with the rest of the party.

Enoru Subayaiashi - Wu Jen rogue pseudo hireling. To be used by the party to fill up to four, since I prefer not to murder non present player's characters.


As he approaches you the fox hengeyokai waves enthusiastically
Yoshida: Orange Bannana.

Enoru: "I'll taste it"
A look of disgust flashes in his eyes.
Enoru: "Mmm it tastes good."
You have never seen anyone blatantly lie so convincingly.

Sendai: "Think about what happened to the kid, then think about that club, that will happen to you with that".

Inugami:You are hereby to be arrested for charges of theft, interfering with investigations, conspiring against lord Tokakushi and frolicking with woodlands creatures.

Toyota:You can summon a shark he'll flop around.
Yoshida:But he'll be augmented.
DM: He'll flop twice as powerfully.

DM: How much is that?
Sendai: 15
DM: $%#!, didn't expect him to only last 3 rounds.
Yoshida: I think we should wear him as a coat.

And a bonus quote not relating to an ongoing campaign, while thinking up character ideas:
"The gods, they be but a lie told to us to keep us inline. But me ale? Och, that I can believe in. When I want answers I drink and get answers. When I seek solace me ale gives me that. And when I need to defend my beliefs this ale gives me the strength to do it".

[Mandark]

From now on, Moonbeam is cast via the hindquarters!


*Snerk* That's a mental image.


When I read this, this is what I thought of first.

http://redfaction.wikia.com/wiki/Mr._Toots

Especially the picture.

[Necroticplague]

Gene: You can stop trying to sell me on your plan. You had me at "war-zeppelin the size of australia".

[Illven]

Campaign quotes

Evil edition.


Quote 1
"Yay! That finally works!" Nicky squeals in delight clapping their hands.
Nasserri "Damnable witch!"
Michel: "If you hate your wife that much, you should get a divorce."

Quote 2
GM: so Nasserri starts casting a spell
Shiela: aoo?
GM actually he's defensively casting, since you know, he's blind

Quote 3
Shiela: we have ice jesus wrestleing an elf in a grease pit
~
(GM): (I'm imaging this Ice thing literally crushing Kyle under its icy arm while slipping on grease)
~
Nicky [So one of my enemies just spent their last conscious moments paralyzed by a giant ice monster.]
[Nicky, putting the dread, in dread necromancer]

Quote 4
Michel: "If you hadn't attacked unprovoked, I wouldn't have fought you. If your husband hadn't created this wall of fire, you wouldn't be burning right now. And if he hadn't triggered that trap, you wouldn't be moments away from being crushed to death."

Quote 5
Michel (OOC): Well good, that means he can watch while his wife dies, instead of just hearing it

Quote 6
Nicky: "Yes, that's right! Burn your sister! Or whatever!"
Michel (OOC): they're killing themselves, it's great

Quote 7
Link: "Gods. Don't kill me"
Nicky "We're trying not to. You're not making it easy for us."

Quote 8
Michel: "Nicky, does your new friend want to give esther a hug?"
Nicky "After he's done hugging Ryer"

[DeafnotDumb]

Secret Police Interrogator: ADMIT YOU'RE THE BUNNY! ADMIT YOU'RE THE BUNNY!

[Inevitability]

Rogue: I punch him!
DM: That's...
Rogue: With a knife!

DM: The dreadful gargoyle looks around for you, wondering why you just disappeared. Okay, so what do you want to do now you're invisible?
Ranger: I reach for the wizard's unconscious body and quickly grab his wand of Negative Energy Ray.
DM: You know you can't activate it?
Ranger: I do. Now, I sneak up on the gargoyle, and attempt to activate the wand.
DM: Well, there isn't really a point in rolling. So yeah, the wand starts shaking and smoking.
Ranger: I drop it and run like hell.
DM: The wand becomes visible, and the gargoyle looks at it curiously. Then it... *rolls a bunch of dice* explodes, for... *rolls more dice* 33 points of damage.
Ranger: :smallbiggrin:
DM: Also, the wizard is dead, because he was unconscious at -8 HP next to a massive eruption of negative energy.
Ranger: What? But... oh. Ooooooh. Sorry, I guess?
Wizard: And here I thought losing my wand was bad enough.

After the ensuing TPK:

Rogue's player: I'd like for our next game to have lots of opportunities for individual characters to follow their goals. Sometimes, the party should be split.
DM: You mean like when the party was getting slaughtered by a gargoyle with class levels but you were busy killing the party's prisoners?
Rogue's player: Yeah, like that.

[Teleros]

One more I remembered for good measure:

Yoshida:"I want to try it!"
DM:"Ok you start eating some, roll a fort save."
Yoshida:*Rolls a 1*
Yoshida:"Your mat is cheating, I roll again".
Yoshida:*Rolls a 1*
DM: "It tastes really bad. You retch it up".
Yoshida:"I vomit on the Oni".
Oni:"I guess it's an acquired taste."

[ZeroGear]

DM: What are you doing now?
Samson: I cast, Bardic Hiding!
DM: ...ok?
Samson: Now I pick up two branches and pretend I'm a tree!

Ork guard 1: "Ah, this look like good spot."
DM: Samson, you hear the sounds of rustling coming from behind you.
Samson: You wouldn't...
DM: Now you feel something warm and wet trickling down the back of your leg.
Samson: ...I am going to murder that Ork.

Vick: "That sounds like a painful place to stick a flugelhorn."

[TheTeaMustFlow]

One more I remembered for good measure:

Yoshida:"I want to try it!"
DM:"Ok you start eating some, roll a fort save."
Yoshida:*Rolls a 1*
Yoshida:"Your mat is cheating, I roll again".
Yoshida:*Rolls a 1*
DM: "It tastes really bad. You retch it up".
Yoshida:"I vomit on the Oni".
Oni:"I guess it's an acquired taste."

That's an exceedingly understanding demon right there.

[DigoDragon]

When I read this, this is what I thought of first.
http://redfaction.wikia.com/wiki/Mr._Toots

Pfft haha. That weapon never stops being funny. XD

[Rater202]

Monesco:*cusses in native tongue*
Aspa:*Smacks Monesco on the top of the head.*
Aspa:Next time I will wash your mouth out with soap am I understood.
Monesco:What's soap?

[Teleros]

That's an exceedingly understanding demon right there.

Yeah he is, maybe it's not the first time he cooks for someone else?

[the OOD]

Helvetica: next, we raise Nelson Mandela from the grave to make a pact with the devil.

The Great One: I have been waiting a long time.
Adam: you have no idea.
The Great One: I have existed for eternity, while you are barely ten thousand years old.
Adam: that's longer than anyone's been worshiping yo sorry ass, buddy boy.

GM: wait, why aren't Helvetica and Adam here?
Helvetica: they're having sex on the moon.
GM: [beat]
GM: did *not* need to know that.

Helvetica: the best thing about Heaven is that it is an infinite habitable plane, so even if we nuke the Heavenly Throne, we don't actually lose any meaningful real estate for our post-conquest colonization.
Adam: have I ever mentioned that I love the way you think?

GM: that's upwards of 870,000,000 damage. if it's stated, it dies.

Helvetica: *jailbreaks himself out of purgatory*
GM: you appear in Nebraska.
Helvetica: ****, I thought I was getting out of purgatory.

Mr. T: ah-ha! you knocked me over, your one weakness!

Julie are you sapient?
Manus: I have given that question some thought.
Julie: Isn't that the same as saying yes?

GM: you moved from 20 feet away to 10 feet away with a five foot shift. what the hell.

Adam: *grows to size gargantuan*
Markus: can I ride him?
Helvetica: well he is definitely not riding me like that.

coral: ten THOUSAND xp?
Helvetica: we should kill God more often. Pity that there aren't any more.

Helvetica's Player: I just made a comprehensive annotated list of all the tropes that appear in TERMINUS. it's 17 pages long, and I can barely remember making it.
Markus' Player: what the hell? also, link me?

[Inevitability]

DM: So your plan is to use the wizard as a meat shield... against an angry, insane monster of living stone... for not one, but several rounds?
Ranger: Pretty much.
Wizard: I did not agree to this.

[Gallade]

Conjurer:"Aw, I've run out of people to enlarge."


DM:"The battle has come down to a giant ninja versus a crocodile mutant. I think Asylum Movies just found their new script."

[goto124]

Adam: *grows to size gargantuan*
Markus: can I ride him?
Helvetica: well he is definitely not riding me like that.


Helvetica, you're supposed to ride him, not the other way round.

[GanonBoar]

"Is it getting hot in here, or is it just FIREBALL!"

[Tentreto]

Information broker:' I have secret intel for your boss, tell him to come down.'

Child: 'Ok, tell me the information and I'll tell him.'

Broker *Facepalm* 'It's secret intel, no I can't tell you!'

And from later on in the session...
Broker: (To brainer)Who are you and why are you stealing my truck?
(these two characters had never actually met until the end of the opening session, despite essentially causing mass hysteria and debauchery between them. Seperetly. And accidently.)

[DigoDragon]

Commander: "Oh, switches and buttons! I *Love* pushing the buttons!"
Pilot: "Says the commander of our space mission."

CAPCOM: "Commander, just relax. Don't pull your head forward, don't look around the cabin, and don't take your eyes off your center console."
Commander: "But I just did all those things!"

Pilot: "Please don't hurl micro-gravity chunks while I'm trying to park a several billion dollar ship in orbit."

[Necroticplague]

Bruta: That one word makes a big difference! I thought you were warning us about doppelgangsters, not having an existential crisis!

[Belac93]

NPC Goblin, in we be goblins. To me: ""You stop being red...Wait. No. Just behave good.""

Me: "So, how far up am I?"
DM: "About 200 feet."
Me: "Ok, I drop him. If he is not dead, I drop my backpack on him."
DM (later): "He picks back up his head, and walks off. Congratulations, you gain 3'000 xp."

[Diachronos]

"Why would you need a flamboyant color?"
"Because the element is Aether, and this is what an Aether Elemental looks like."
"...it looks like it's made of dubstep."

[Gallade]

(OOC)

Bard:"It's all part of the Circle of Life. Birth, Maturity, Death, Becoming a zombie, Death again."

[DigoDragon]

Ace: “For a follower of nature, he sure loves being around dead trees. ...well, I guess death is natural. When something naturally dies. And not when you're chopped down and pulped... I'm going to shut up now.”

Crossguard: “Crossguard trots off to her room to pack her bags. She checks her bags and goods, making sure that nothing's happened to her gear.”
DM: “Crossguard does not find anything out of place with her gear.”
Crossguard: “Well now I'm paranoid.”

DM: “Trace meanwhile is being Trace.”
Trace: “And what Trace is doing is going on a scouting mission. A church this size has to have its secrets.”
DM: “It is a little church after all, and it seems it has only little secrets. Such as the flask of high-proof hooch Trace finds hidden away behind one of the hanging draperies.”
Trace: “Ha, no more Communion wine for this guy.” *Yoink*
Midnight: “And there goes Midnight's good mood.”
Trace: “We done here? Or do you need to make a sacrifice to your scary moon god?”
Midnight: “We don't have to 'make a sacrifice to our scary moon god.' And that's... That's wrong in so many ways I can't even count them!”

[Gallade]

Knight:"I'm an Outsider. That's nice, do I get any extra capabilities from that?"
Mage:"Yeah. All you need is a door."
Knight:"A door? How do I use it?"
Mage:"Just walk through it, and if you're an outsider, it will make you an insider."

Mage:"Let's make two things clear. First, who touches my familiar won't live to see the next sunrise. Second, Ray of Frost is my spe...."
(Fumbles the spell and it blows up in his face)
Mage:"F@#K!"
(Next turn)
Mage:"Let's make three things clear. First, who touches my familiar won't live to see the next sunrise. Second, my face isn't cold at all. Third..."
(Fumbles the spell and it blows up in his face AGAIN)
Mage:"...MYSTRA-F@#%ING-DAMMIT! Good thing I speak Infernal. Gruumsh is next."

Knight:"I'm cursing in Celestial. The Mage is cursing in Infernal. His familiar is cursing in Draconic. And I'm pretty sure my horse is cursing in Equestrian. ARE WE EVER GOING TO TAKE DOWN A GODDAMN FOX?"
(Many, many failed rolls later)
Mage:"...I'm out of gods."

[Inevitability]

DM: This party is as dysfunctional as the complete dysfunctional rules thread.

Cleric: Tell me, is he wearing any clothes?
Barbarian: I know I'm not too pretty with clothes on, but trust me, removing them won't help at all.

DM: Beneath you is a rapid river. From time to time, you can see objects being swept along by the current. Their exact features are hard to discern, but...
Cleric: I jump down and try to grab one of those things! *rolls 21*
DM: ... You manage to grab one of the objects. As you do so, you notice it's a human corpse.
Cleric: Hey, necromancer guy! Want to buy this?

[Sgt. Cookie]

Player: As he rips into my flesh, my flesh is all "WTF, bro?".

[Necroticplague]

Gene: Wait, how are they supposed to answer these? Not only are these real tough ones, none of this crap was in class, and what it's about is all over the place! They'd need ot be able to read your mind to get any of this right!
PROFESSOR CRYALL: Precicely! This is DIV246! I'll be writing down an answer key during the test. They can either read my mind while I'm doing so, or scry on the one I already have elsewhere.
Gene:Man, and I thought Intro to Shadow Illusions was tricky.

[Gallade]

(After knocking down a hunter)
Raven:"I'm not the kind to eat humans, but we're clearly in a desperate situation and we'll soon be in the position of having to resort to cannibalism. May I dispose of this human by devouring its body so that we may delay that occurrence for a while?"

[Inevitability]

Necromancer: So, I guess the ranger is dead. Can any of us cast Purify Food and Drink?
Cleric: Yay for PvP! #FreeFood
Ranger: I can't believe you are going to defile my corpse.
Necromancer: Hey, I can't raise you as a zombie, I can't eat you, can't I do anything horrible to your lifeless husk?

[Gallade]

*Snip*
Two posts in a row about eating a ranger, what are the odds.

[Inevitability]

Necromancer: I crawl inside my owlbear skeleton.
DM: Excuse me?
Necromancer: Owlbears are Large, right? I should be able to fit in there.
DM: Fine. You squeeze your way into your pet's ribcage, where you discover that the inside of a moving skeleton isn't a pleasant place to spend the night. As in, ribs are poking in your... well, your ribs.
Necromancer: I grab two of the steel shields I carry around and put them between myself and the ribs.
DM: The question of how you're placing those inside the skeleton aside, do you really think an iron plate is going to be more comfortable?

[KnotKnormal]

"all hail the mighty lord "Y""

"i cast abra ka gump"

"Go go gadget tech lama"

[DigoDragon]

Two posts in a row about eating a ranger, what are the odds.

TWF doesn't stand for Tasty Woodland Feast?

[BootStrapTommy]

Player:What do you call someone who was cured of lycanthropy?
Other Player: A were-wolf.
DM: Guess who's taking damage?

Player: I sex the follower who survived. I'm a positive leader like that.

Player: I help him tie the prisoner up.
DM: It's a gnome.
Player: I'm gunna roll to see if I "accidentally" strangle the prisoner in the process.

[PoeticDwarf]

trader: If you open this tiny bag a massive oak will appear instantly
cleric: how expensive?
trader 400gp, but I should tell first that you may not eat this. Poor Peter, he won't be with us again
cleric: Is he dead?
trader: Burried, next to that giant oak

[Illven]

More evil campaign quotes


Shiela (OOC) Shiela starts anoucing after seeing michels move "here we are at wrestle mania 10, with michel in the blue corner furiously beating up an unarmed opponent"
Nicky (OOC) "Aren't all wrestlers unarmed?"

Michel looks over at her oxygen-deprived, discolored face and gazes into her eyes as her vision fails her and everything goes dark as the flames consume her. "Sleep soundly, knowing it was your husband that killed you," he smiles.
DM (OOC) by the way, poor ester burns with a smile on her face

Nasserri: "Link! Don't listen to them! They're vile people who just want the power of death on their side."
Nicky "Says the guy who just murdered half his family."

Nasserri: "She's dealt with people like you before, those who would consort with the dead can't be trusted. This city is filled with those lice, I am simply exterminating the bugs she could not!"
Nicky "The bugs, being your own family. **** move. Referring to your family as bugs, with your son next to you." Nicky comments

Michael "We don't seek to kill you Nasserri. But I'm afraid we will have to take you into the authorities for the murders you've committed here."

Nicky " "Take that scroll, it's another ******* fireball, because the cycle of family murder is apparently complete."

Michel (OOC) he surrendered to us, so I figure he's going to try and avoid catching anyone besides ice man and daddy dearest in the blast if possible

Nicky "Because unlike your family, our first response is not to murder everything that moves."

Nicky (OOC) So DM. Is undead pyramid scheme a-go?

[goto124]

DM (OOC) by the way, poor ester burns with a smile on her face

This girl is on fire...

[Taet]

P1: Oh yeah, I remember her. One of the notches. :smallamused:
P5: :smallannoyed:
P4: What do you mean? :smallconfused:
P1: I'll explain it to you when you're older. Now here's a dollar, kid, go buy some candy. :smallyuk:

P4: She's been ridden hard and put away wet. :smallsmile:
P1: :smallsigh:
P2: :smallredface:
P3: :smallconfused:
P5: :smallmad:
P1: ...You're old enough to know what that means?
P4: Naw, I just heard it somewhere.
P1: It's true though. :smallcool:
P5: :smallfurious:

DM: You're in the middle of the desert. Do you have any idea how to preserve bodies?
P2: Sure I do! Bury them in snow! :smalltongue:
DM: Anyone who is not from Canada have any ideas? :smallsigh:

[goto124]

Bury them in the sand!

[Gallade]

Knight (In Mage's body):"I feel more magic."
Mage (In Knight's body):"I feel knightlier."

(After drawing in succession magic cards which turned him into a werewolf, a dryad, a golem, an undead and a beautiful man)
Knight:"Come on, I need to draw the one that makes me bigger. I'm not talking to those guys until I'm more than ten inches taller!"

[Belac93]

Snow works so much better. The body doesn't mummify for a very long time, and if the person is frozen alive, they can even be still living in a few hours. Not very likely, but still possible.

[Gracht Grabmaw]

Fighter: Howard, do you have any spare bits of cloth or fur or anything on you?
Wizard: I have my pants...
Fighter: Very well, take off your pants and gag [the witch we captured]

Commence two minutes of imature giggling.

[goto124]

Are the witch's teeth healthy?

[Sith_Happens]

Ferry(wo)man: "Everyone strap in."
Ozpin: [*is the only one who straps in*]
DM: "The water on the other side of the portal is choppy, everyone but Ozpin make a Reflex save to not fall in."
Torcadall: [*fails, falls into the River Styx*]
DM: "Save versus amnesia."
Torcadall: [*saves*]
DM: "So you don't lose your memories."
Ozpin: "Actually he still forgets the past eight hours, but I'm sure that's not an unusual occurrence for him."

DM: "As you come out of the next portal you are surrounded by Erinyes."
Ozpin: "Hello, is there a problem?"
DM: "They're screeching so loud you can't even hear yourself."
Ozpin (OOC): "Weapons out?"
DM: "They are definitely about to attack."
Ozpin: "I'll take that as a yes. Unfortunately we're in a hurry, so... ORNERY DEVILS SAY 'WHAT, WHAT,' FALLING TO THE GROUND LIKE 'WHAT, WHAT.'"
DM: "...What was that?"
Ozpin: "My Song of Arcane Power before I cast Wings of Flurry."

DM: "...Screw this, you reach the portal safely because I added too many enemies and can't keep track of them."

[DigoDragon]

Now that I have access to my files again...

Moon: “Much easier to just go hunt down some more Vault Dwellers and steal their Pipbucks so we all have one. Actually, yeah, let’s put that on our to-do list. After all, we haven't pissed off the local Vaults yet.”

GM: “Wearing Pegasus Power Armor makes you an immediate target for anyone who doesn't like the Enclave... which is almost everyone who isn't the Enclave.”

GM: “Stitchheart, being undead and the only one running around, sometimes skimps out on cleaning procedures.”
Moon: “Being an immortal regenerating undead monstrosity is no excuse for violating procedure.”

GM: “Stitchheart quickly headed to the emergency shower that was right near the door, an old and rusty thing that was probably stuck to the wall by verdigris and hope.”
Doc: “Hmm, colorful. Care to go first, Moon?”
Moon: “Thanks, I'll make sure to save some hot water for you.” [/Sarcasm]

GM: “The water smelled slightly of Sulphur and was rather warm. It was a bit like being drenched by several gallons of particularly runny egg whites.”

Stellar: “I'm a little uncomfortable about putting ponies out in the cold though. I suppose the alternative would be violent?”
Strawberry: *Suddenly enthusiastic at the prospect of violence against poor ponies*

Cassidy: “I need to go through Flagon's stuff.”
Strawberry: “Ooh, yeah, we should do that. I bet he has those cherry Mint-Als I lost!”
Cassidy: “You lost them in your mouth.”

GM: “Viridia began to hear faint groaning sounds coming from inside her pocket. Andante's tiny voice sounded less like 'oh god, I'm going to die' and more along the lines of 'I have made a terrible mistake'.”

[goto124]

It's... it's the return of the Blood and Pancakes gang!

What is the deal with this thing you call the Enclave, anyway?

[Cazero]

The Enclave are nuclear apocalypse Nazis. They want to eventualy recreate the US governement, so they have to keep under control the population who would oppose them because they did litteraly nothing to help with the post-apocalypse stuff.

Seriously, play those Fallout games. :smallwink:

[Gallade]

DM:"You are flying behind the Druid."
Raven:"What does his face look like?"
DM:"Hairy. VERY hairy. Mostly because you're looking at the back of his head."

[Belac93]

Aasimar Ranger: "This is gonna be a long adventure, isn't it? You know I was thinking we already basically have three children, why not grab a few more? Just find some bad parents and adopt their children into a better life. Maybe it's crazy but it might be fun..."

NPC Teenager: "Have you ever had sex with an angel? I mean, you kinda are one, so it wouldn't be weird or anything."
Aasimar Ranger: "Had sex with an angel...? I-I... That's none of your business what I may or may not have done! With an angel or any other beings! My sex is my business you little son of a..."

DM (me): "You are walking along the path, and see a gigantic red dragon directly in front of you."
Goliath Fighter: "I wave my arms above my head like this" [waves arms,] "And hoot like a monkey. That should scare it off."

Me: "So, to summarize, you have collectively been pooped out by a dragon, kicked off a mountain by a dragon, pooped on by a dragon, gotten a teenager pregnant, turned gay to resist getting the teenager pregnant twice, killed some gnomes, and adopted a kid. Did I forget anything?"
Players: "We also used air genasi [censored] to make our weapons lighter and almost got eaten by piranhas!"
Me: "So, what do you think this was?"
Players: "Another successful first session!"

Me: "You know, this morning I would have been shocked by the stuff that you just roleplayed. Now? Sadly, not so much."

[Inevitability]

Dragonfire Adept: I get to be a tiny firebreathing engine of destruction! Whoooooo!

[Gallade]

Mage:"Well, I have 97 more character ideas to try."
Knight:"What will you do with the mage?"
Mage:"Just put him in a daycare or something."
(One character creation later)
DM:"So you're a bear...who turned human...so he could learn to fight like a bear. The Bearbarian is born."

[DigoDragon]

What is the deal with this thing you call the Enclave, anyway?

The Enclave are nuclear apocalypse Nazis. They want to eventually recreate the US government, so they have to keep under control the population who would oppose them because they did literally nothing to help with the post-apocalypse stuff.

In Fallout Equestria terms, the Enclave are all pegasi that live up in the cloud cover above Equestria. This blocks a lot of the sun so day time is in perpetual "shade".

[Cazero]

In Fallout Equestria terms, the Enclave are all pegasi that live up in the cloud cover above Equestria. This blocks a lot of the sun so day time is in perpetual "shade".
How dare they adapt the fluff to their universe ! It even makes sense !

[Gracht Grabmaw]

In Fallout Equestria
You people are just the worst. You are worse than that guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

[ZeroGear]

You people are just the worst. You are worse than that guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

Wait until you get to the latter half of FaE: Project Horizons. As much as I enjoyed the story, it kinda started going downhill right after the rocket launch (still annoyed they killed Stygius, I liked him).

[Gallade]

Knight:"Why don't you come with me. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in the woods?"
Bearbarian:"Dunno, what's the advantage of not living in the woods?"
Knight:"You'll get better food, won't have to fight to survive, and won't have to live in the woods."
Bearbarian:"Sounds good."
Knight:"Good. The easiest way to act civilized is to join a religious order."
Bearbarian:"Can't I just...not eat people and stop crapping in the bushes?"
Knight:"People would still be afraid of you. A walking, talking bear is an unusual sight."
Bearbarian:"And a walking, talking RELIGIOUS bear is different from that because...?"

(Knight draws the Cocoon card and is enveloped in a cocoon)
Knight:"Not what I had in mind."
Necromancer:"Get out of there and fight like a man!"
Knight:"Make me."

(Bearbarian draws the Beast card)
Bearbarian:"I feel more...myself-y."

[DigoDragon]

How dare they adapt the fluff to their universe ! It even makes sense !

You people are just the worst. You are worse than that guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

There is something inherently funny about taking a post nuclear apocalypse and adapting it to a show about pastel magical horses. Probably why it's so weirdly popular. I didn't think I'd get into it, but I love the Fallout series and so I tried out for this RP and turns out to be a lot of fun.

[the OOD]

Adam Eden: Jack's firearms proficiency is best summed up as "three-year-old with an I pad"

Mr. T: really? that's a spell?:smallconfused:
Helvetica: MUTHERF**KER.
Imperial invasion force: *goes blind and deaf*
Mr. T: ....and it works?:smalleek:
the spell in question was Power Word: Mother****er.

[spineyrequiem]

[uninjured PC] "Dirt! That's a good antiseptic!"

[injured PC]: "Yup, that's right. Quick, pack some in before I get an infection!"


[DM]: "The desk turns out to be a lot lighter than you expected and you send it flying out the room, knocking both your attackers prone."


[Male exterminator]: "I smack him over the head with his own arm!"


[Female exterminator]: "I get a pen and write 'sorry :)' on his forehead."

[Gallade]

DM:"The Plague-bearing demon is defeated."
Knight:"Coup de grace!"
(Shunk)
DM:"You open a huge gash in the demon and it stops moving."
Bearbarian:"Is he dead?"
Knight:"Don't know. Just to be sure...coup de grace, again."
DM:"The demon is now the world's grossest sashimi."
Knight:"Well, once more."
DM:"The demon is now the world's grossest kebab."
Knight:"Does it look dead?"
DM:"...yes, it looks pretty dead."

[DigoDragon]

River: “I was thinking about selling some of my guns while we were here.”
Moon: “I say you take Viridia or Stellar as your pretty pegasus protector. Viridia would bring in customers by her presence.”
River: “That's fine.”
Viridia: “She is right, though. I am very pretty.”
River: “See, with that attitude, we're going to be rolling in caps.”
Moon: “I'm much better suited at poking around some dark basement.”
Doc: “I could probably score a decent income patching up the gang members that get themselves shot by River’s guns.”

Stellar: “Hey, where is Andante anyway?”
Moon: “I don't know, but presumably she's drunk and annoying.”

Doc: “I don't mind exploring a basement bunker, but it would be nice to find the possible merchant first for anything we might find useful exploring a dark basement. Like rope. And chalk. Maybe a flashlight.”
GM: “The hospital is very large and has plenty more stuff laying around then just a haphazard moonshining set-up. Explore! Steal! Talk with sad poor ponies and lie to them for goods!”
Doc: “I wanted to sell off some of the junk I'm toting around so I can hire River to fix some things for me. Do sad poor ponies have caps?
GM: “They have drugs, which is sort of like having caps.”
Doc: “Ah, barter. Hmm, I can work with that.”
GM: “They also have Barter, in that somepony probably has a switchblade with the word 'Barter' carved on it.”
Doc: “Is that their own way of... slashing prices?”

Moon: “As for Andante, well she's an adult pony. She can get drunk without our supervision.”
Northern: “I've seen her lose a fight with a revolving door.”

[goto124]

DM:"The demon is now the world's grossest sashimi."
Knight:"Well, once more."
DM:"The demon is now the world's grossest kebab."

It's not the other way around?

Also, looks like someone forgot the Chunky Salsa Rule, which states that Any situation that would reduce a character's head to the consistency of chunky salsa dip is fatal, regardless of other rules.


Moon: “As for Andante, well she's an adult pony. She can get drunk without our supervision.”
Northern: “I've seen her lose a fight with a revolving door.”

But has she tried to fight against a laser pointer (http://i.imgur.com/c3B5evr.gif) before?

[DigoDragon]

But has she tried to fight against a laser pointer (http://i.imgur.com/c3B5evr.gif) before?

I don't know, but that could have been arranged actually. :smallbiggrin:

[goto124]

GM: “They also have Barter, in that somepony probably has a switchblade with the word 'Barter' carved on it.”
Doc: “Is that their own way of... slashing prices?”

Reminds me of one of your OCs...

[DigoDragon]

Reminds me of one of your OCs...

Heh, yes, I suppose there is a little resemblance there. :smallbiggrin:



DM:"...yes, it looks pretty dead."

It looks pretty salsa to me. XD
Might as well go all the way and burn the remains.


[Female exterminator]: "I get a pen and write 'sorry :)' on his forehead."

*Snerk* Is there a mirror for him too?



Adam Eden: Jack's firearms proficiency is best summed up as "three-year-old with an I pad"

Eep!


GM: “The glorious recreation area bureaucracy is taking slightly longer than I anticipated.”

River: *Survival Roll—62 out of skill 40*
Northern: *Survival Roll—67 out of skill 60*
GM: “Wastelanders cannot wasteland, apparently.”

Doc: “I ninja'd River's question.”
GM: “In this game, getting Ninja'd could involve a ninja now. This pleases me greatly.”

Stellar: “Beginning to get a little worried that Andante may die of alcohol poisoning / drowning though...”
Doc: “Least she'll be preserved for a while.”
Stellar: “I got curious and looked up what would happen if you fell in a vat of alcohol (http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/features/what-would-happen-if-i-jumped-in-a-pool-full-of-alcohol-8940636.html). Just... don't leave Andante hanging too long!”
Doc: “I'm particularly amused at the cost of drowning yourself in alcohol. Almost a million US dollars to drown yourself in Jack Daniels.”
Stellar: “I was most alarmed by the relatively low percentage before you don't float, and the even lower percentage for fumes to render you unconscious! And then being reminded that alcohol stings...”
Doc: “Now I have a new level of understanding to the term 'Drowning your sorrows'.”

Doc: “What became of Flagon's gun?”
Stellar: *passes it over* “Here. Feels a bit unwieldy.”
Doc: “Well, it's a solid .44 revolver is what it is. You don't find too many of these still in service.”
River: “I'm pretty sure that this model was sized for buffalo. Look at the mouth grip! It's not over sized, just made for something that weighs a few thousand pounds.”
Doc: “It'll also put holes into things that weight a few thousand pounds.” *pleased squee*

[goto124]

What sort of things a few thousand pounds heavy does Doc want to put holes in?

[Yuki Akuma]

Paladin (OOC): I'm pretty sure I can make a crucifixion comfortable.

[DigoDragon]

What sort of things a few thousand pounds heavy does Doc want to put holes in?

Um... can't think of any at the moment, but if doc meets one, he'll be ready. :3



Paladin (OOC): I'm pretty sure I can make a crucifixion comfortable.

...I can't decide if I really want to ask how or just sit quietly and not know the answer.

[goto124]

With pillows, of course.

[the OOD]

Helvetica: huh. I guess Celestial conjury magic is kinda useless now. :smalltongue:
GM: Yup.
Helvetica: take that, summoners!
GM: Daemonic conjury also is offline.
Helvetica: I destroyed summoning Magic! :smallbiggrin:
Helvetica: *happy dance*

Mr. T: a guy with a shovel should not be this combat effective.

Adam Eden: I am NOT AN ELDRITCH ABOMINATION, GODDAMMIT!
Adam: *grows 20 feet tall*
Adam: *turns skin into scales*
Adam: *grows tentacles*

Helvetica: the best bit is, I've completely stopped worrying about his survival. Dragon? Nano-Hive? elder god? meh, just teleport Mr. T at it and stand back.
coral: you might be overestimating him.
Helvetica: and yet somehow, it always works.

Helvetica: you have now killed two Archangels in single combat. congratulations, now stop complaining about your nerf.

[McNum]

Doc: *pleased squee*
I totally read that as this sound (https://youtu.be/YEpzQ6k8Kps).

Good to see the return of the Blood and Pancakes gang. We kind of caught up with the other ponies, so time to see what they've been up to... out of context.

[bulbaquil]

GM: "Dwarven architecture lasts about 1,500 years."
Me: "What, only?"

[AdmiralCheez]

DM: As you approach in the dim light, you begin to see the form of Julio surrounded by smoldering corpses.
Aedan: What happened here?
DM: Apparently Julio's burning wit did them in.
Julio: It really brings a new meaning to the term "sick burn."


Finley: Did you just Thunderpunt the priestess?
Nadarr: Yeah, we should probably leave.


Nadarr: I'm gonna ker-plonk right in her path.


Finley: Okay, I zoned out of that conversation, and came back to "Lobster Submarine."

[Erth16]

Bilborg: Hold on, I'm going to cast Comprehend languages. WOOOAHAHAHAHAAHHHHHHAHHHHAAAAAH(repeat several times)
Wallace: Did anyone else just see the lighting storm that covered the city. Or feel the boom as his voice made the bass drop?
Dwarkon: What you've never seen a dwarven cleric cast a spell before?

[DigoDragon]

With pillows, of course.

There's an interesting way to look at it. :3



Mr. T: a guy with a shovel should not be this combat effective.

Was he fighting The Shoveler, from Mystery Men?



I totally read that as this sound (https://youtu.be/YEpzQ6k8Kps).

That'll do. :D



Julio: It really brings a new meaning to the term "sick burn."

Ho ho! Excellent icing on the pun cake.[/QUOTE]

Doc: “How are you at fixing armor?
River: “You don't want me near a needle. I tried to get lessons from the seamstress who worked at Oakville, but I kept stabbing myself in the mouth.”
Doc: “Ah. Yes, I can see how that would be... bad.”

GM: “In truth, the greatest motivator to get River to do something at the moment is the idea that she, quite possibly, could touch pegasus butt. She has no marketed desire to touch Doc's butt, and as such he may not be the best person to get her to break out the needle and thread and stitch up his bullet-ridden leathers.”

GM: “River Stone watched as Doc slowly drew the grid. He nodded and smiled as Doc clearly explained what the rules were, in a way that clearly indicated he was absolutely not grasping them.”

River Rock: “Now we're stuck in a place full of hobos and gangsters who'll probably try and rob us.”
Moon: “Have tried to rob us.”
Doc: “Yeah, you're safe with us. Won't let anything happen to either of you.”
Doc: (whispering) “Besides, Northern's frown will scare off all the hobos.”

Rock: “Yeah, we had to leave because you guys messed with some horse. I think the only pegasus out of you all is the short one, because she was around before you guys were.”
Moon: “I'm the only pegasus what?”
Rock: “Oh, uh, the only one who I can, uh, trust I guess. Because you didn't come in with the rest of them. That sounds really stupid out loud, actually, I should stop talking.”

[goto124]

GM: “River Stone watched as Doc slowly drew the grid. He nodded and smiled as Doc clearly explained what the rules were, in a way that clearly indicated he was absolutely not grasping them.”

I never realized River isn't a mare somehow...

I do what River did a lot IRL :smalltongue:

[DigoDragon]

I never realized River isn't a mare somehow...

Well, there are three Rivers, all siblings:

River Moss (the eldest and the mare. She runs a gun shop)
River Rock (middle child, an angry young colt who hates traveling)
River Stone (the youngest, and pretty much the 'innocent naive' colt)


It is easy to get them mixed up.

[Necroticplague]

GM: How can you let her do this? I thought that paladins weren't supposed to be ok with others that offend their code.
Bruta: My veil of intentional ignorance transcends mortal bounds! I can rationalize away even the most concrete evidence of Gene's wrongdoings.
HALFLING: *Loud sobbing*
Bruta: Ah! So nice to hear the sound of making a tgearaputic breakthrough!

[the OOD]

Was he fighting The Shoveler, from Mystery Men?

good movie, but nope, it was a gardener.

[ShadowFighter15]

GM: Wow, Zaiobe's breasts are lovely. They don't seem to be lying to you.
...
...also, her face is pretty, too. You're pretty sure it isn't lying to you either.


The fun a GM can have when a player rolls a 1 for Sense Motive.

[ZeroGear]

Demon Jailer: "Now behave! Otherwise I'll have to get the chains."
Samson: "Maybe I want you to get the chains."
Succubus assistant:*in singsong voice* "I'll get them!" :smallbiggrin:
Samson: "...It occurs to me that I didn't think this all the way through."

[goto124]

Well, there are three Rivers, all siblings:

River Moss (the eldest and the mare. She runs a gun shop)
River Rock (middle child, an angry young colt who hates traveling)
River Stone (the youngest, and pretty much the 'innocent naive' colt)


It is easy to get them mixed up.

River is a surname! Should've remembered people sometimes go by surnames.

[DigoDragon]

good movie, but nope, it was a gardener.

Indeed, a good movie. :3
That was some gardener though.


Samson: "...It occurs to me that I didn't think this all the way through."

Nope. :smallbiggrin:



River is a surname! Should've remembered people sometimes go by surnames.

It's tricky because the surname is first with these ponies.

Moon: “Hey, my chronic secret keeping hasn't killed anybody yet...in this game at least.”

Doc: “I think River just needs to see a spirit/demon and an alicorn to win the 'Crazy Encounters' bingo.”

Viridia: “Is there a room nearby that Viridia can dump Andante and the bottle into, so she can transform back into normal pony? Or would that not be wise?”
Moon: “Viridia goes to the bathroom, several minutes later, Andante leaves the bathroom, hair ruffled, smelling of booze, and noticeably friendlier towards Viridia.”
Viridia: “Don't be silly. Nobody goes to the bathroom in this game.”

GM: “In truth, the greatest motivator to get River to do something at the moment is the idea that she, quite possibly, could touch pegasus butt. She has no marketed desire to touch Doc's butt, and as such he may not be the best person to get her to break out the needle and thread and stitch up his bullet-ridden leathers.”

GM: “Fan Knife without her hat is just a weird dead kid in a suit. With the hat, she's a bodyguard. That's just logic.”

[goto124]

Suddenly I wonder how pony bathrooms would be designed...


GM: “Fan Knife without her hat is just a weird dead kid in a suit. With the hat, she's a bodyguard. That's just logic.”

Wasn't there a comic about Indiana Jones throwing away an artifact he stole found because he lost his hat behind a wall?

[Inevitability]

GM: How can you let her do this? I thought that paladins weren't supposed to be ok with others that offend their code.
Bruta: My veil of intentional ignorance transcends mortal bounds! I can rationalize away even the most concrete evidence of Gene's wrongdoings.
HALFLING: *Loud sobbing*
Bruta: Ah! So nice to hear the sound of making a tgearaputic breakthrough!

Been there, done that.

[Gallade]

My guys haven't been available for a while, I'm forced to post some average material...
Knight (Who now has some Summoner levels):"Rats! I'll crush them with my Inevitable Armor!"
DM:"You don't have him summoned though."
Knight:"Well, what kind of action is summoning him? Full-round?"
DM:"It takes ten turns..."
Knight:"...crap."
(Later, OOC)
DM:"You have an AC of 12 without your summoned armor..."
Knight:"I know, but I unsummoned him in case I had to do something covert..."
DM:"Your MO is charging enemies on horseback, issuing challenges to the enemy leaders and tanking everything! And your last two companions have been a ten feet tall bear and a living robotic weapon! What sort of covert stuff would you expect to do?"
Knight:"Dunno...sneaking through Tucker's Kobolds?"
DM:"Sneaking through armed gangs who get Darkvision, bonus on Perception and Stealth...with a negative Dexterity bonus, unless you summon your Eidolon..."
(Beat)
DM:"Wearing glowing, golden living armor makes you BETTER at stealth. I don't even..."

[Taet]

P1: Let me just pick up this pen and use it to make the bullet bend around me and miss...
P5: Physics may be the law, but I, sir, am the lawyer. :smallamused:

[Gallade]

(Trying to sneak inside a tent at night)
Knight:"Can you see in the dark?"
Paladin:"Not really."
Knight:"Hmm, let me check if I have something to help you...ah, there. I'll use my Aasimar powers to help you. I CAST DAYLIGHT."

(Obvious consequences ensue)
Paladin:"Aasimar powers. VERY stealthy, I heard."
Knight:"Yep, I kinda suck at stealth."

(In front of a chest)
Knight:"It could be a trap. I cast Open!"
DM:"The chest opens. It is empty, but there is an inscription under the lid."
Knight:"I read it."
Paladin:"I bet it says 'I prepared explosive runes this morning...'"
Knight:"I prepared explosive runes this mo..."
(BOOM!)

[Necroticplague]

Bruta: I anyone else wondering why creatures only a skip away from being Elder Evils look so much like humans?
Gene: No. I'm busy wondering why humans look like creatures only a step away from being elder evils.

[PoeticDwarf]

Deathmaster I love minionmancy. Skeletons. Attack!
*rolls* 1
*rolls* 1
*rolls* 1
*rolls* 1
everyone wow
(Nothing wrong with the d20. Really)

[Inevitability]

Bruta: I anyone else wondering why creatures only a skip away from being Elder Evils look so much like humans?
Gene: No. I'm busy wondering why humans look like creatures only a step away from being elder evils.

Is this about Daelkyr?

[Necroticplague]

Is this about Daelkyr?

How'd you guess?

[Inevitability]

How'd you guess?

Just checking. I can think of other humanlike aberrations.

And to keep using this thread for its intended purpose:

Cleric: Do I see any enemies?
Me: You don't see any enemies, no.
Death Master: Obviously there's someone there. Probably hiding. Or invisible. Or invisible and hiding.
Cleric: I cast detect magic. Do I detect any invisible creatures?
Me: The small area of the room that you scan doesn't seem to contain any unexpected magical auras.
Cleric: I suddenly run forward! Is there anything in the new area?
Me: You don't detect anything in that area.
Death Master: Still obviously something there.
Cleric: I move through the entire room, scanning everything for magic as I do so.
Me: You detect nothing.
Barbarian: So can we enter now?
Death Master: No wait. The invisible things might be staying away from him on purpose.
Cleric: Hm... Can I run forward and suddenly scan an entirely new area?
Me: Not without ending Detect Magic.
Death Master: Well, we'll find a way to discover those monsters. Don't think you can ambush us.
Me: Oh, I'm definitely not.

So yeah, they wasted ten minutes on searching a room that technically contained no enemies. My poker face was tested to its limit.

[Tohron]

So yeah, they wasted ten minutes on searching a room that technically contained no enemies. My poker face was tested to its limit.

Of course, if you had burst out laughing, they would probably have just assumed you had devised some devious trap which they had to try even harder to find.

[DigoDragon]

So yeah, they wasted ten minutes on searching a room that technically contained no enemies. My poker face was tested to its limit.

I been in that position too. ^^;
I watched a rogue reach the end of a cave and took 10 minutes to ponder why the cave passage ended.


DM:"Wearing glowing, golden living armor makes you BETTER at stealth. I don't even..."

D&D logic is such surreal logic.



Suddenly I wonder how pony bathrooms would be designed...

Wasn't there a comic about Indiana Jones throwing away an artifact he stole found because he lost his hat behind a wall?

I guess pony bathrooms might not be that different than ours. They do have outhouses.

I haven't read any Indiana Jones comics, but he does risk a lot for that hat of his so maybe he did.

Doc: “I think you've switched Rock and Stone around. Rock started sulking in the corner and Stone was holding together.”
GM: “I did mix up their names, right about when they became relevant Rock started talking. They may need different colored text or something.”
Doc: “I got them mixed up a lot when we first met them. The way I try to remember it, is that Rock is larger (hence the older sibling) and sinks in the lake but Stone is smaller (the younger sibling) and skips across the surface. …Not that I'd recommend attempting to skip colts across the water.”
GM: “The lake is also full of giant lampreys, so skipping small children across the lake wouldn't be wise. Those things go for the eyes.”

Andante: “I preemptively apologize for getting your hair wet, Viridia. I will let you use my own shampoo later. It was made in Prance and has a name I will not attempt to pronounce now. I promise you, however, that it has three L's in it.”

Doc: “Well, I like to think everypony is weird in their own way. Some are just better at it than others.”

Doc: “There is Mason. Unless ghouls are also weird to you?”
Stone: “No, ghouls are neat. They're just dead ponies who are alive. Mr. Mason sort of smelled funny, but he has all sorts of neat stuff. He let me use a grenade launcher on my last birthday.”
Doc: “So what did you explode with it?”
Stone: “A rock! I didn't see it though, because I forgot about recoil and the firing tube hit my chin and my head felt fuzzy afterwards. Then I got ice cream!”
GM: “What River Stone also got for his birthday was a concussion.”

[goto124]

Andante: “It was made in Prance and has a name I will not attempt to pronounce now. I promise you, however, that it has three L's in it.”

Is the joke forum-appropriate?


Stone: “He let me use a grenade launcher on my last birthday.”

Why are colts allowed to use grenade launchers? Is this how Wastelanders roll?

[DigoDragon]

Is the joke forum-appropriate?

I'm not sure if there was a joke. Viridia said 'Llewellyn' and it wasn't refuted. Sounds like a Prench name with 3 Ls in it. Well, four, but she's generous.



Why are colts allowed to use grenade launchers? Is this how Wastelanders roll?

Pretty much, yeah. There hasn't been a working toy factory in decades so... kids get bored easily out there.
Not many things more dangerous than a bored child. :smallbiggrin:

(Edit: personal experience as a parent, hee hee)

[goto124]

Prench is Welsh? Google tells me that "Llywelyn is a Welsh personal name"...

[Fable Wright]

Prench is Welsh? Google tells me that "Llywelyn is a Welsh personal name"...

It's centuries into the post apocalypse wasteland. Anything nice from the big ol' irradiated pond counts as one of them fancy Prench things. Like bratwurst. And zeppelins. And literally any shampoo not in the lingua franca of postapocalyptia.

[DigoDragon]

Prench is Welsh? Google tells me that "Llywelyn is a Welsh personal name"...

I think it's a Marketing thing to name your product in a foreign language. Gives it a bit of an exotic sound.



It's centuries into the post apocalypse wasteland. Anything nice from the big ol' irradiated pond counts as one of them fancy Prench things. Like bratwurst. And zeppelins. And literally any shampoo not in the lingua franca of postapocalyptia.

Ponies pay a lot of caps for a 200-year old bottle of shampoo.

[Anonymouswizard]

GM: you are actually the highest ranking Skaven not currently talking to the Thane.

GM: minibar? More like minibrewery.

[Inevitability]

Dragonfire Adept: I breathe fire at the ghouls, followed by acid.
DM: *rolls a bunch of dice* That's... yeah, they're dead. Also, your boat is on fire and corroding away at the same time. It starts sinking.
Dragonfire Adept: That's okay, I can fly.
Other PC's: We can't!

DM: So what have we learned today? Sometimes, the wizard is the guy with world-ending magic, but other times he's just a guy who sucks at PE.

[goto124]

Ponies pay a lot of caps for a 200-year old bottle of shampoo.

While we're at it, how is 200-year-old food remotely edible, let alone better than other types of food?

[Cazero]

While we're at it, how is 200-year-old food remotely edible, let alone better than other types of food?

Fallout Equestria : Canning is Magic !

[DigoDragon]

Dragonfire Adept: That's okay, I can fly.
Other PC's: We can't!

If it were a Warforged Warlock instead of a Dragonfire Adept, I would swear you were quoting an old player of mine. :smallbiggrin:
One time blasted the party monk just to see if he could hit an invisible flying lobster that only he was able to perceive.


While we're at it, how is 200-year-old food remotely edible, let alone better than other types of food?

Fallout Equestria : Canning is Magic !

It's even more dissonant in the actual Fallout games where there is no magic explanation to the preserved canned food. ;)


River: “So, want to see if we can break out some light artillery and not look like we're about to shoot the place up?”

Andante: “I hope you wouldn't mind if I could indulge in a little dinner conversation while I eat the face of this rat.”

Andante: “We can worry about the little things, now. Such as the slight chance we are all infected with a horrible flesh-melting virus.”

Viridia: “Does Stellar not know that iguana meat is human meat in Fallout? Or pony meat in Fallout: Equestria, I suppose.”
Stellar: “Nope! She, like I, is blissfully naive to that fact! I've encountered 'Strange Meat' before.”
Viridia: “Ahh. Well, in the first game, it was this sidequest where you discover a doctor and visit his basement, where there's a dwarf chopping people up to send to Iguana Bob.”
Moon: “That does explain all the Iguana in the northern US.”

Andante: “Ponies do tend to die when they are killed, from my understanding. My only objection to your logic is that the Olives are far from a united front. There are many of them. The main group may be busy, but in a house that crowded, intrigue is seeped into its roots. Tubers. However olives work. Sincerely, I hate them. The fruit, not the family, the family is only as antagonistic as any other overly arrogrent tribe. Arrogant. I prefer capers. ...I am just a series of bad decisions.”

[TheTeaMustFlow]

It's even more dissonant in the actual Fallout games where there is no magic explanation to the preserved canned food. ;)

No magic... only SCIENCE!

[AdmiralCheez]

It's even more dissonant in the actual Fallout games where there is no magic explanation to the preserved canned food. ;)

I seem to remember a really quick throwaway line early in Fallout 4 where your character makes a remark that the junk food was so loaded with preservatives, it's no wonder they survived for 200 years.

[goto124]

Fallout Equestria : Canning is Magic !


It's even more dissonant in the actual Fallout games where there is no magic explanation to the preserved canned food. ;)


No magic... only SCIENCE!

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic!


its roots. Tubers. However olives work.

Olive grow on trees!

[DigoDragon]

No magic... only SCIENCE!

Science is the best kind of magic there is! ...wait.



I seem to remember a really quick throwaway line early in Fallout 4 where your character makes a remark that the junk food was so loaded with preservatives, it's no wonder they survived for 200 years.

Well, I've always assumed the series' Fancy Lad Snack Cakes were essentially Twinkies.



Olive grow on trees!

Well, Andante is just a series of bad decisions after all. :smallbiggrin:

[the OOD]

Markus Chmela: I'm a brain inside an armored case inside an armored box inside an armored body wearing armor.

Helvetica Jones: ...you're using a Frisbee as a kill sat.
Markus Chmela: I like to think of it as a lowest earth orbit.

Helvetica Jones: good news, I'm still conscious... at 1/16 vitality left, a CON score of 3, and I'm taking a -27 pain penalty to all rolls.
Markus Chmela: take some painkillers?
Helvetica: already am. the -27 is after the reduction from morphine.
Adam Eden(at HQ): somebody is getting one heck of a massage when they get back.

Mr. T: can I use body reading on it?
GM: it's a ghost.
Mr. T: can I use lack of-body reading on it?

Helvetica Jones: y'know, most revolvers are chambered in something measured in caliber, not Gauge.

non-player: the only true hell is that witch you make for yourselves.
Adam: you mean Florida?



Adam Eden: massage time. *rolls* 49 total.
Helvetica: almooost... worth... it...

[DigoDragon]

Mr. T: can I use body reading on it?
GM: it's a ghost.
Mr. T: can I use lack of-body reading on it?

You have an awesome group. :D
The quotes are consistently funny, but this one nearly made me spit out my coffee.


non-player: the only true hell is that witch you make for yourselves.
Adam: you mean Florida?

I can vouch for this.


GM: “River was apparently making Stellar Blaze partially straddle a sniper rifle in a corner of the room.”
Viridia: *looks at Stellar, then at the sniper rifle between her legs, then back to Stellar* “If you feel that strongly about it, I'm sure Stitcheart has some kind of operation...”

Doc: “That could be good news for us in not having contracted anything odd when we passed through Cabbage Town.”
Moon: “Learning you probably don't carry a cannibalistic inducing plague is always good news.”

Stitchheart: “How does this hospital compare to the one you are familiar with, Nurse Wagon?”
Doc: “Doctor Wagon.”
Moon: *Snicker*

Stitchheart: “Moonshadow, out of everything you have seen in Equestria, what has surprised you the most? I ask as a fellow expat.”
Moon: “Well between the stoned teenage dragons, the psychopathic alicorn rip-off abominations, and murderous meatbots, I've got to say the winner has to be the shapeshifting, whatever-the-****-that-was, that pretended to be Penny for some surely nefarious reason.”

The Great Dichorio (Choro): “I'm glad to be here. And to bring along a new magic user for you guys, The Great Dichorio! …Who may or may not really be called Shiny Cog.”

Thread: “Eventually, throughout his travels, [Thread] bumped into a bunch of sheep. Which is what led to him getting his Cutie Mark.”

Stitchheart: “I do have some words of encouragement. If you ever think you would want to live before the bombs dropped, before the government collapsed, the world has always been like this. It is my opinion that Equestria did not fall so much as catch up with everywhere else.”
Doc: “That was encouragement? Okay, I'll keep that in mind.”
Spoiler Alert: “He won't.”

[goto124]

Viridia: *looks at Stellar, then at the sniper rifle between her legs, then back to Stellar* “If you feel that strongly about it, I'm sure Stitchheart has some kind of operation...”

Stitchheart: “How does this hospital compare to the one you are familiar with, Nurse Wagon?”
Doc: “Doctor Wagon.”
Moon: *Snicker*

This is very much a gender-equal society :smallbiggrin:


Moon: “murderous meatbots,”

Haven't they met only one murderous meatbot at that point?

[DigoDragon]

Haven't they met only one murderous meatbot at that point?

Yes, but since it nearly wiped out the party it's still one meatbot too many. :smalltongue:

[ZeroGear]

Samson: *Wobbles over and looks at Xaltaer* "Let's be VERY clear here: We shall NEVER speak of this again!"

Lance: "What happened to you?"
Samson: "I don't want to talk about it. EVER."
Xaltaer: *snickers*
Samson: *glares at Xaltaer* "EVER!"

[goto124]

Yes, but since it nearly wiped out the party it's still one meatbot too many. :smalltongue:

You weren't even supposed to fight it, let alone get away with everyone alive :smalltongue:

*knocks on wood*

[DigoDragon]

Samson: *Wobbles over and looks at Xaltaer* "Let's be VERY clear here: We shall NEVER speak of this again!"

Which means it will come back up in conversation when it is the most embarrassing moment to bring it back up. :smallbiggrin:



You weren't even supposed to fight it, let alone get away with everyone alive :smalltongue:

Largely in thanks to our Action Scientist and the tactics employed by the team.


Rock: “Uhm, I'm going to make sure Stone doesn't get eaten.”
Doc: “Err, the deal was you and Stone stay here in this area while Moon and I interview the horse. If anything happens to either of you from wandering off, your sister is going to shoot me with every gun she owns.”

Moon: “As for survivors, we did find one; an okapi named Lua.”
Halva: “Oh, Luapula lived? Fantastic, just fantastic. I am so glad that one of the few places in the world that I would consider 'safe' has been reduced to me and a tinfoil-wearing drug user. Truly, his testimony will be invaluable.”

Doc: “Moon can ask some questions without my help, but you two are a pair of chicken nuggets to an armed raider.”

Thread: “As a fluff thing, would having an old plushie cost any caps?”
GM: “Given that it's pure fluff, count it as something with a weight of 1 and no cost.”
Doc: “But very flammable when set on top of an explosive.”

Viridia: “...and don't you go saying something like 'It's my choice to make'. The last mare who said that got us trapped in a vault with a hunk of animate gristle that tore through metal like a fat kid through snack cakes.”

[digiman619]

DM: So what have we learned today? Sometimes, the wizard is the guy with world-ending magic, but other times he's just a guy who sucks at PE.

Or, as my father used to say, "Sometimes the magic works; other times you're just the a guy in the dark wearing a funny hat."

[the OOD]

You have an awesome group. :D
The quotes are consistently funny, but this one nearly made me spit out my coffee.

thanks!


I can vouch for this.


full version:

non-player: go to hell.
Helvetica: can't. we blew it up.
non-player: the only true hell is that witch you make for yourselves.
Adam: you mean Florida?
Helvetica: fair enough, but we can deal with that the same way we did the last one.
Adam: nuke it, or collapse the entire plane of existence it is on?
Helvetica: why not both?




For those willing to behold the madness, our campaign now has a Tropes list.(WARNING: Contains Some Context!)

An annotated list of tropes appearing in TERMINUS, constructed in the manner of a TVtropes page.




Differently Powered Individual

all over the place. called "anachronists".


Luckily My Shield Will Protect Me

Haywood's roman legionnaire shield.
Elsbeth's riot shield


Dual Wielding

Used by Coral
Mr.T, of the kukri-and-rifle variation


Loads and Loads of Characters

seven players, with up to two characters each. once a character is dead-dead you may introduce a new character in the next few sessions. there have been at least 21 different PCs so far, all with significant characterisation, sometimes all interacting at once(all the living ones anyways).
the player character are: Jack Spangler, Jade Harvey, Owen Lysaght, Grace Hill, Maddie Kelser, Blondie, Mr.T, Helvetica Jones, Patrick McCreeley, Adam, Elsbeth Hartmann-Langel, Haywood Aquila, Amerat Elabute, Victor Bogdanovic, Albert Horst, Sarah Weir, Julie Xu, Markus Chmela, Coral, Manus.


Do-Anything Robot

Averted. Robots tend at only be good at one or two tasks, and their lack of flexibility is their main flaw.
Only semi-Averted for the ****ing Nihilists


Sharpened To A Single Atom

Magi technology can do this, reverse-engineered by TERMINUS


Natural Weapon

Adam can grow these
Patrick gains these when he morphs


Partial Transformation

Adam does this


Emergency Weapon

Melee combatant or not, EVERYONE carries a knife


Ranged Emergency Weapon

Most psions carry a .44 magnum with a reflex/laser sight
Maddie’s is a Sniper Pistol
Helvetica’s holdouts range from a purse popper (1d4 damage) to a M-134 Minigun(20 shots per turn, 8d6 damage per shot). The latter is so heavy he can barely lift it.


Improvised Weapon

Helvetica attempted to teleport a falling Adam to hit an Angel


Deployable Cover

Haywood’s tower shield can be use as this
Patrick is often used as this in his larger shapeshifts
Helvetica summon-spams dinosaurs for this purpose


Game Breaker

Patrick mass-metamorphing allies
Lucy Morgenstern(bad enough that he got retconned out of existence after the first session)


Red Right Hand

Helvetica has a literal Red Right Hand. it contains an extremely powerful necromancy effect.


Nerf

Adam received one


Lightning Bruiser

Jack reached this status by mid-game.


Glass Cannon

Jack
Helvetica was this at first
Ameerat
Blondie
Sarah
Patrick when not shape-shifted


Squishy Wizard

averted: Helvetica and Patrick can serve as mid-level tanks, although Helvetica avoids this


Tarot Motifs

Helvetica uses these when distributing enchanted tarot cards
Helvetica is represented by the Magician and the Eight of Staves(or sometimes the fool)
Helvetica’s lighter depicts the Fool
Patrick was represented by Death or the Moon
Haywood was represented by the Hanged Man

The TERMINUS major arcana:
0 The Fool Jack
1 The Magician Helvetica
2 The High Priestess Maddie
3 The Empress Coral
4 The Emperor Owen
5 The Hierophant Solus
6 The Lovers Elsbeth
7 The Chariot Jade
8 StrengthMr.T
9 The Hermit Manus
10 Wheel of Fortune Blondie
11 JusticeAmeerat
12 The Hanged ManHaywood
13 Death Patrick
14 Temperance Grace
15 The Devil Adam
16 The Tower Thomas
17 The Star
18 The Moon Sarah
19 The Sun R.O.V.E.R
20 Judgement Incursions, TERMINUS
21 The World The World




The Medic

Grace and Maddie


Nanomachines

the magi's main advantage, slowly being replicated by Maddie


The Smart Guy

all over the place, but most pronounced in Maddie and Helvetica, and the NPCs Hammermeister, Sahni, and Meyer


Crazy-Prepared

Helvetica Jones
The unofficial TERMINUS motto is “Thank you, Mr. Quartermaster Sir!”, thanks to Owen’s forethought


Properly Paranoid

Helvetica Jones


Hammerspace

one of Helvetica's powers


Bag of Holding

the man-purse of holding


Fantasy Kitchen Sink

the premise of the game is that other realities are visiting earth, resulting is this.


Pals with Jesus

Adam Eden was this.


The Fair Folk

one of the incursion types


Cold Iron

used against the fae


Depleted Phlebotinum Shells

“Specialty” rounds such as silver bullets, blessed or befouled rounds, and coldforged iron are often used. The winners of this category are “Sink Rounds”, containing every weakness and then some.
Sink Rounds: shotgun-sized, hex-marked, coldforged iron-based, lead-tipped glass slugs filled with gel made from holy water, clover extract, rock salt, Dimethyl sulfoxide, garlic paste, wolfsbane extract, desecrated oil, depleted uranium dust, and mercury, with silver shavings, holly, and white oak mixed in, that have been blessed and befouled.


Immune to Bullets

Adam and the MK17, and well as plenty of enemies


Not So Invincible After All

Haywood died of radiation poisoning


Untouchable Until Tagged

the kinetic defense psi power make a user almost impossible to hit, until they take damage


More Dakka

an often-repeated player philosophy
the R.O.V.E.R. MK17 lives off of this
Helvetica and Adam have done this at times
blondie did this by dual-wield spamming handguns with a rate of fire on par with automatic weaponry
Mr.T carries a holy machine gun


Shooting Superman

nothing short of an archangel could so much as scratch Adam(and even then, barely), contributing to his eventual nerf.


The Juggernaut

Adam and the MK17


Determinator

Haywood


Badass Normal

Mr.T is a mundane Gurkha with absolutely no supernatural powers, but is a top-tier gunman and melee combatant, with great crowd combat, medium armor, an awesome defence score, a massive feat list, and his lowest save is a +12(will). he has been intermittently considered the equal of a 10,021-year old nigh invulnerable immortal shapeshifter(adam).
to a lesser degree, Owen is also a vanilla mortal working in a terminus strike team.


No-Holds-Barred Beatdown

delivered one-on-one to an ARCHANGEL of all things, courtesy of Adam.


Deader Than Dead

if a TERMINUS agents is anything but this, they WILL be brought back. characters have been resurrected from dead by -50HP and beyond.


Curb-Stomp Battle

occasionally dealt out by the players, usually courtesy of Helvetica, Adam, Owen, or Patrick.


Moment of Awesome

Helvetica and and Adam make a lot of these, especially when they team up.
anything Mr.T does is almost certainly in this category


Hero Killer

the Nihilists(killer robot) incursion type


The Dreaded

the Nihilists.
Helvetica Jones is attempting to become this
Alpha squad from the backstory, especially John Henderson and the original R.O.V.E.R.


Kill the God

Done to both Exaltation(God) and the Perdition(Devil)
Helvetica plans on doing has done this!


Mook Horror Show

Mr.T versus an entire party's worth of werewolves. poor puppies.


Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?

A TERMINUS team killed God (And the Devil)
Adam has killed two archangels in one-on-one combat
Helvetica lead the strike on God and the Devil


God is dead

And the Devil as well. Both were killed by TERMINUS.


Your Head A Splode

The effects of Helvetica's Headsplosion spell can include this.


Genre Savvy

most of the Strike Team Members.


There Is No Kill Like Overkill

thoroughly invoked
failure to hold this view is grounds for firing a Strike Team member.
burning thermite bricks through the skull and chest cavity is fairly standard for anything a Strike Team member thinks might not stay dead.(as is discharging several magazines into a fallen corpse)
anything hit by the MK17's GAU-8 aircraft autocannon
Done to, God. Overkilled several thousand times by a *nuke*

GM: “870 million damage, if it's stated, it dies.”




Godzilla Threshold

the reason that Helvetica trapped the Nihilist killbot


Poor Communication Kills

full-auto spray does not mix well with invisible allies


Made of Iron

Mr.T


Super Toughness

Adam is the king of this trope.
Haywood
Patrick (In his Dire Ankylosaur form)
almost half of the enemies, especially from magic-based incursions.


Magic A Is Magic A

the magic system is is very clear and consistent, but allows for a massive number of spells to be created on the fly.


Blood Magic

one of Helvetica’s calling cards, to the point where all strike team personnel are now required to provide him with a blood sample.


Cast from Hit Points

Helvetica occasionally resorts to this to power his blood magic when no sacrifices are available.


Summon Magic

Helvetica's combination of transit spells and blood magic can look a lot like this, to the point where it can be almost impossible to tell the difference.
Power Word: velociraptor.


Summoning Ritual

frequently performed by Helvetica, despite his lack of summoning magic.


Necromancer

a trick employed by Helvetica(although he refers to it as "dinomancy")


Back from the Dead

any TEMRINIUS agent unless their brain or is destroyed, or they are turned into ludicrous gibs.
characters can be(and frequently are) resuscitated long after they are medically dead, although unless the brain is preserved, you only have a few minutes to resurrect them before the brain damage is irreversible.
NPC Thomas Hobbes has done this repeatedly
Sarah can do this when mildly killed.


Your Soul Is Mine

attempted via pacts by powerful magic invaders(dragons, archangels, greater daemons, fae)


Non-Lethal K.O.

Strike Team personnel tend to be really bad at this, not that it stops them from trying now and then.


Combat Pragmatist

most combat-focused characters exhibit this.
Victor.
Owen.
Markus and Julie


Magnificent Bastard

Helvetica Jones.


Knight Templar

Jade Harvey.


Pragmatic Hero

practically a requirement for TERMINIUS employ.
Helvetica, Victor, and Owen tend to fit this the best.


Blood Knight

Adam.
Haywood.


Exploited Immunity

Jack can outrun explosions, most invaders can't.
Adam could survive a near-terminal velocity fall, the archangel(grappled so it couldn't fly) couldn't.


Muggles Do It Better

even the casters and psychics on a strike team carry firearms
one of the main advantages TERMINIUS agents have over magical creatures. magic and psionics are all fine and dandy, but never underestimate a good ol' .44 magnum.


Post-Modern Magik

invoked and exploited by Helvetica.
averted by everyone else.


Humans Are Special

invoked. Angels and Daemons have an incredibly difficult time thinking outside the box, while humans can be cunning, clever, min-maxing bastards. the biggest advantage TERMINIUS has over heaven and hell.


Mundane Solution

despite the incredible array of magic and psionics, firearms and solid tactics are always a good strategy.


Extra-Strength Masquerade

enforced


Kinetic Weapons Are Just Better

the popular opinion on Strike Teams.


Action Girl

Elsbeth
Coral


The Smart Gal

Maddie


Genetic Engineering Is the New Nuke/Bio-Augmentation

Jack, Amerat and grace(and possibly others) all have powers based on inherited genetic alterations.
TERMINIUS is researching way to replicate this


Alien Invasion

the marauders incursion type


Brainwashed

Sarah can cause this


Badass

Mr.T, Haywood, Owen, Helvetica, Adam, Patrick...


Badass Gay

Adam, although he is less "gay" and more "take 1d10 SAN loss for trying to comprehend his sexual preference".
Helvetica


Badass in a Nice Suit

Haywood, Jack, and Helvetica, although the former two eventually added body armour to their wardrobe.


Badass Longcoat

Helvetica's trenchcoat. it blocks bullets.
Blondie also sported one of these


The Gunslinger

blondie


Quick Draw

all over the place, especially for Strike Team members.


Psychic Powers

a fairly frequent type of powers used by players and invaders.
Grace uses psi healing and visions psionics
Amerat uses fetching(object teleportation)
both of the above use kinetic defence
Sarah is a telepath


Paranoia Fuel

Sarah can completely rewrite sections of your mind, change your personality, implant latent commands, and then make you forget that she did anything.


Friendly Sniper

Owen can be this


Superhero Packing Heat

regardless of super-invulnerability, a holy sword, psychic powers, teleporter magic, or any other powers, Strike Team personnel learn to pack a gun and use it often.


Everything's Better with Dinosaurs

Helvetica stole some dinosaurs from a parallel earth, bound the with necromancy, and uses them liberally. he has since acquired the title of "dinomancer".


Anti-Hero

loads, especially Adam, Helvetica, and Haywood.
Sarah is either this or an anti-villain.


Tyrannosaurus rex

Helvetica turned one into a an undead mount for Haywood to ride


Action Duo

Markus and Julie


Battle Couple

Helvetica and Adam are this


Retired Badass Roundup

TERMINIUS was doing this to recruit personnel.


Death Seeker

Haywood was bad enough at this that it took him almost 2000 years to finally get himself killed.






Exact Words

Very important when setting up contingency spells

REALLY FREAKING IMPORTANT for any character with a compel/mind control ability.


My Rule-Fu Is Stronger Than Yours

When two or more characters with compel/dominate/command fight, the fight is largely determined by a battle of rules-fu and exact words
Sarah engages in this with the GM over the exact words of compel effects
Helvetica managed to make an intelligent evil undead genuinely safe and helpful via exact words, and out rule-fu-ing the GM.


Loophole Abuse

see Exact Words and My Rule-Fu Is Stronger Than Yours
If a player finds a loophole, the rule is generally “you can exploit it once, then it’s getting patched.”



Genius Bonus

Helvetica throws a lot of subtle references to/remarks about Paradise Lost, Dante, the Bible(and religion/mythology as a whole), and 17th century alchemical philosophy, as well as a few more modern cultural references.
Haywood’s player actually gets some of the references.


Alternative Character Interpretation

Haywood subscribed to the belief that Adam was an Eldritch Abomination.

This is technically not true. As far as we know. //parinoia fuel//




Adam And/Or Eve

Adam is truly ancient, having been been born at the dawn of agriculture(read: the first garden(read: Eden), has had enough hookups that is descendants likely include the entirety of the human race, has powers given to him by an Archangel, and used to hang out with Jesus.

Both played with and subverted, while Helvetica is very interested by the parallels, Adam denies any meaningful connection.




Smart People Know Latin

Maddie, Patrick, and Helvetica are all proficient in latin.
Helvetica often speaks latin when spellcasting
Haywood and Adam both know latin by virtue of having lived through the existence of the Holy Roman Empire


Everyone Is Jesus In Purgatory

Helvetica sometimes ends up searching for meanings and allusions that don’t exist.


Good Is Not Soft

There are a few truly good player characters, and they may even be nice, kind, supportive, or polite. But soft? Hell No.






Super Strength

Adam
Jade


Nigh-Invulnerability

Adam is a prime example of this.


Million-to-One Chance

Julie managed to defeat a high-level ki user by making it fail a fort save(requires a minimum of 2 consecutive critical failures)


Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy

blondie could fire a lot of bullets, but the aim penalties were bad enough that his hit chance got better when he aimed at something in the general direction of the target, and hoped that the missed shots would hit the target.


Dodge the Bullet

a common maneuver of jack's


Bullet Dodges You

done by grace, and any other character with the kinetic defence ability
Amerat is a master at this with spacial warping powers.


Improbable Aiming Skills

Adam, when he buffs his dex to max.
granted to anyone using Helvetica's enchanted 1873 Winchester rifle
inverted with blondie, who had improbable missing skills


Super Reflexes

Elsbeth, Adam, Jade, and Jack.


Gatling Good

Helvetica carries a minigun in his man-purse
the MK17 uses a minigun as a mid-damage utility weapon, occasionally switching to a GAU-8 Avenger.


Hyperspace Arsenal

Helvetica magicly carries around thousands of items, weighing tens of thousands of pounds, all in his man-purse
one of Helvetica’s abilities
Amarat can do this.


Ammunition Backpack

the ammunition belt for Helvetica's minigun is stored in his man-purse of holding, and weighs almost 300lbs
Haywood carried the tank for his napalm-thrower on his back.


Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?

done by Helvetica and Adam to God(also a crowning moment of awesome)


Did You Just Scam Cthulhu?

performed by Helvetica against both God and the Devil.


Spent Shells Shower

anytime the MK17 fires a full-auto weapon. it generally moves so that the square to its right is empty before firing.


Guns Akimbo

blondie. the effect on his accuracy is exactly what you would expect.


Hand Cannon

anyone not packing one of these is either a rifleman or an idiot.


Beam Spam/Frickin' Laser Beams

collector and magi incursions tend to include this


Did You Just Romance Cthulhu?

if you believe Haywood's theory about Adam, then Helvetica is doing this

(Adam is technically human, however)




Super Speed

Jack took this to the extreme


Required Secondary Powers

true for most characters
averted with jack, the strain of super-speed and enhanced reaction time on his muscular and nervous system could cripple him in seconds, and he had previously broken his legs by running to fast. good thing he could heal.


The Big Guy

Adam, Jade and Mr.T


Dumb Muscle

Jade


Genius Bruiser

Patrick
Adam can be this if he boosts both INT and STR


Healing Factor

Haywood and Jack had this.
TERMINIUS is researching genetic alteration to give this to all of it's Strike Teams
lots of monsters


Made of Plasticine

an unarmoured, unpowered human is toast. even once a character starts wearing combat armour, the human body is not meant to take hits from werewolves and dragons.


Ludicrous Gibs

anything hit by Owen or the MK17(nihilists excepted)


Shapeshifter Baggage

played straight with Patrick
averted with Adam, who has several times the mass of an ordinary human


Elemental Baggage

averted, if you want to use ice magic, you had better carry around a LOT of water(see bag of holding/hyperspace arsenal)


Fire, Ice, Lightning

Patrick's magic includes these.
Adam can grant himself one of these at a time.
Helvetica is able to use these, but he needs prep time.


Shapeshifting

Patrick's main magic type
Adam, but his appearance stays mostly human

Now that he learned Punctuated Equilibrium, Adam also has an “Eldritch Abomination” mode.




Magic Pants

Was part of Patrick's metamorph magic
other shape-shifters aren't so lucky


Multiform Balance

Adam can be unbelievably good at any one thing at a time, or merely incredibly good at one or two things


Awesome, but Impractical

MK17's GAU-8 avenger.
most of the MK-17's heavier weapons
Haywood's carnage power.(the save DC was to low to affect anything worth using it on)
Helvetica’s Headsplosion spell. It can sometimes make the targets head explode, but the low save DC and Helvetica’s lack of skill with fire/force magic makes casting it very impractical.


Mid-Season Upgrade

Jack's nova mode
Patrick upgrading his combat shapeshift from dire wolf to dire dinosaur.
Adam making a celestial pact.
Maddie and Elsbeth making draconic pacts


Too Awesome to Use

the outrageously enchanted one-shot Thompson Arms Contender.


Infinity+1 Sword

Helvetica stole the Holy Lance with the intention of enchanting it into this, then realized that doing so would take almost a year.
The Thompson Arms Contender


Powerful but Inaccurate

the GAU-8 Avenger


Fixed Forward-Facing Weapon

the GAU-8 Avenger


Always Accurate Attack

the thompson arms contender is effectively this, but it can only be used once.


Sexier Alter Ego

Adam can morph into this


Alchemy Is Magic

Markus is a skilled alchemist, and Helvetica has basic proficiency


Call On Me

Helvetica can force others to do this for him.


I Know Your True Name

saying/knowing an angel or daemon’s true name is a conduit for magic.


Geas

Sarah's telepathy can be used for this
one of the many tricks Helvetica has stolen from other schools of magic


Invisibility

Markus and Julie
Jack could move faster than the human eye ccould follow, but he lacked the required secondary powers to make this safe.


Invisible Means Undodgeable

combat 101 for Markus and Julie
Springheel’d Jack


Military Mage

despite his anti-authoritarian nature, Helvetica is a magic user in a paramilitary organisation.


Church Militant

Jade was from this


Who You Gonna Call?

TERMINUS!


The Men in Black

TERMINUS serves as this from time to time


Awesome McCool Name

Helvetica Jones. everyone but Adam thinks so.

Adam- "this is why librarians shouldn't have children"


not his real name, but Adam Eden is definitely this.


Sesquipedalian Smith

Helvetica Jones


Only One Name

Adam has no last name(he is referred to as "Adam Eden” by helvetica)


Only Known by Their Nickname

Blondie
Mr. T

[the OOD]

...and the second half. the whole post was over the maximum character count.





Kill It with Fire

Strike Teams are not shy about firebombing their foes.
Haywood's unholy napalm-thrower
a good counter to undead


Badass Preacher

Jade


Religious Bruiser

Jade


Artistic License – Military

some characters vehemently refuse armour, and are still allowed into combat
jack never learned how to operate a firearm of any type(even non-combat scholars and technicians have pistol proficiency), then again, given his cuckoolander status, this may have been deliberate on the part of his commanding officers.
TERMINUS ranks a downright bizarre, and have no real-world counterpart or corollary


Gender Is No Object

TERMINUS fields the best soldiers it can get, gender is irrelevant.


Combat Parkour

"spring-heeled" Jack


Nepali With Nasty Knives

Mr.T is a Gurkha veteran, and one of the most badass characters in an interdimensional multiverse of badass.


One-Man Army

Adam and Mr.T


Person of Mass Destruction

Helvetica can become this on a strategic scale, even though he is weak in a straight-up fight


Super Weight

applies to power/utility levels, though almost everyone still dies to a solid hit or two.
the players tend to range from iron weight(1)(Markus, Elsbeth, Blondie) to super weight(3)(Adam, Helvetica) but most characters are in the abnormal or super weight class.


Kukris Are Kool

Mr.T's main melee weapon


Knife Nut

Jack


Swiss Army Weapon

Julie's bayoneted rifle is equipped with a laser sight, shock axe, underslung grenade launcher, scope, and beer-holder. tacticool doesn't even begin to cover it.


Swiss Army Gun

see Swiss Army Weapon


Teleportation

transit magic, Helvetica's primary magic school. he milks it for everything it's worth.
Amerat can do this as well


Another Dimension

8 of these are separately attempting invading earth. TERMINIUS has to fight them off.


Pocket Dimension

Helvetica uses these for almost everything


Prison Dimension

Helvetica trapped a nihilist in one of these


Flash Step

used by jack


Rapid-Fire Fisticuffs

jack could take up to 7 standard action in a round, allowing for this(but would subsequently fall unconscious)


Speed Blitz

any combat with jack in it


Mass Teleportation

Helvetica can do this


Teleport Spam

Helvetica's fights tend to include this.


Super Soldier

TERMINUS likes to employ these


Telepathy

Sarah's power
Patrick wore a saddle of telepathy to communicate with his rider


A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Read

do NOT read Adam's mind.


Fake Memories

Sarah can create these.


Mind Rape

Sarah can do this.


Brown Note

Power Word: Mother****er
an archangel's true name


Parody Magic Spell

occasionally used by Helvetica


Shapeshifters Do It for a Change

Adam


Swiss Army Hero

Adam and Patrick


Transformation Is a Free Action

averted for Patrick, who actually can transform as a free action
played straight for Adam, who takes three turns to fully morph


Shapeshifter Weapon

Adam


Punch! Punch! Punch! Uh Oh…

often the result of a fight with nihilists


Good Thing You Can Heal

Jack and Haywood. ESPECIALLY Jack.


Achilles' Heel

many super powers have this


Logical Weakness

often the case


Outside-the-Box Tactic

when dealing with an enemy that has a high enough defence score/DR that you can't hurt it


Demonic Spiders

Nihilists


Goddamned Bats

common in undead incursions, best countered with teleportation and explosives


Silver Bullet

used against undead


Our Mermaids Are Different

coral


The Legions of Hell

one of the incursion types


The Legions of Heaven

one of the incursion types


Humanoid Aliens

the marauders


God and the Devil are both Jerks

Helvetica held this belief


Anachronism Stew

invoked, the core theme of the game is mix-and-matching stolen psionics, magic, genetic engineering, super powers, nanotechnology, modern devices/tactics, and advanced tech to fight of all of the above.


Hammerspace Hideaway

Helvetica carries dozens of dinosaurs in his personal hammerspace


Hammerspace Parachute

Helvetica has more than a dozen of these


MacGyvering

done by Maddie


Mission Control

stays in contact with Strike Teams.


Badass Bookworm

Helvetica


Mad Scientist

NPC Mortimer Hammermeister


Elemental Embodiment

elemental sometimes appear in fae incursions.


Voluntary Shapeshifting

Adam and Patrick.


Baleful Polymorph

done by Patrick.


Jack-of-All-Trades

Adam can do this, or can be a master of one. whatever he feels like.
not to be confused with Jack Spangler, who suffered from crippling overspecialisation.


Fantasy Gun Control

ruthlessly averted by TERMINUS agents.
played straight by magic-based incursions, which generally have iron-age technology at best


Spell Book

Helvetica makes a point of collecting and stealing as many of these as possible, becoming something of a magical swiss-army-knife.


Functional Magic

Yes.


Powered Armor

sometimes used by enemies. really f***ing annoying.


Deflector Shields

telekinetic psions and characters with kinetic defence can this.


Energy Weapons

used by some high-tech invaders. TERMINUS prefers kinetic weapons.


Munchkin

Helvetica is an in-universe example.
humanity in general has a capacity for this, which is one of their main advantages against Angels and Daemons.


Ritual Magic

usable by any mage.
Helvetica has a strong preference for this


Magical Incantation

Helvetica's are a mixture of latin, literary/religious/alchemic references, and pop-culture phrases.


Rules Lawyer

several players are this, of the lawful good variety.


The Strategist

Helvetica
Director Barca


Psychic Radar

Sarah can do this


Sensor Character

Sarah and Amarat


True Sight

Grace has this


Put on a Bus

blondie, Grace, and Victor


Druid

Patrick is a modern-day example.


Enemy Scan

one of Grace's powers


Omnidisciplinary Scientist

Invoked by Hammermeister
applies to Maddie


Deadpan Snarker

Haywood, Adam, and Helvetica.

The invasion of Heaven was a non-stop snarkfest




The Chick

grace


Love Interests

Adam is this for Helvetica


Ms. Fixit

Maddie can make almost any machine continue to function for several rounds after it has been "destroyed".


A.I. Is a Crapshoot

the nihilists


The Squad

the TERMINUS Strike Teams


They Call Me Mister Tibbs

Mr.T has a full name, but damned if anyone is gonna use it.


Weapon of Choice

Jade's sword
Owen's sniper cannon
Albert's favoured combat bot is the MK17


Handguns

even the non-action guys carry these.


BFG

Owen's sniper cannon, latter completely overshadowed by the MK17's GAU-8 Avenger.


Sniper Rifle

Owen's favourite


Cool Guns

Owen's sniper cannon, Julie's tacticool rifle, various miniguns(Helvetica and the MK17), Maddie's ruger blackhawk, Haywood's unholy napalm thrower, various portable mass drivers, the thompson arms contender, helvetica's 1873 Winchester, the GAU-8 Avenger...


Holy Hand Grenade

enchanted by Helvetica, blessed by Jade, currently unused


Combat Medic

Maddie and Grace(when combined they can bring people back from the dead)


Support Party Member

grace is this full-time, but Maddie, Helvetica and Patrick can serve this role as well.


Eldritch Abomination

several invaders, possibly including God and Lucifer.
Haywood was convinced that Adam was this.


Alien Geometries

Helvetica's personal pocket dimension, Sanctum, features this.


Bigger on the Inside

plenty of thing, courtesy of Helvetica, but his man-purse takes the cake on this.


Older Than They Look/Really 700 Years Old

Adam Eden has been alive since the dawn of agriculture. ( currently 10,021 years old)
Haywood had been alive since the peak of the Holy Roman Empire, and was a youthful 1,887 years old.


The Paladin

Jade Harvey(complete with plate armour, faith powers, an ancestral sword, and an assault rifle)


Exposed to the Elements

a very bad idea, as strike teams have had Antarctic deployments in the past. the standard gear set includes cool-weather gear, forsake it at your own risk.


Elemental Powers

a frequent vector of magical attacks.
Patrick had proficiency with these.


The Undead

one of the incursion types


Shoot the Mage First

How To Not Die In TERMINUS 101 includes this.
failure to resort to this quickly has been the downfall of many invaders


Rocket Tag Gameplay

some combats can become this, depending on what characters are present


Mighty Glacier

the MK17


Fragile Speedster

Jack


Healing Hands

Grace's power takes this to the extreme.


Counterspell

the best way to counter a caster


Aura Vision

Grace can do this


Born Lucky

Haywood and Patrick.
Helvetica learned luck manipulation


Charm Person

Sarah tends to spam this.


Combat Clairvoyance

Amerat has a limited version of this.


Cyborg

the collector incursion type
TERMINUS has begun copying this technology

Mr. T and Julie have some cyberware, and Markus has replace everything but his brain.




Domain Holder

Helvetica is attempting to achieve this, and has stated that he thinks he could defeat God if the battle took place in Sanctum.


Stop Hitting Yourself

Sarah’s favorite combat tactic


Almighty Janitor

Manus, the gardener






now, anyone else want to try for their campaign? :smalltongue:

[AdmiralCheez]

Julio: I've had enough jiggling for one night. And I haven't even hit the tavern yet.


*Rolls a 1*
Mordai: Am I a pineapple chunk?


DM: This guy is absolutely up your butt.
{beat}
Aedan: Please finish that sentence.

[goto124]

Halva: “Oh, Luapula lived? Fantastic, just fantastic. I am so glad that one of the few places in the world that I would consider 'safe' has been reduced to me and a tinfoil-wearing drug user. Truly, his testimony will be invaluable.”

... who's Halva, the pony who appears to have only Halv a mind? :smalltongue:


Viridia: “...and don't you go saying something like 'It's my choice to make'. The last mare who said that got us trapped in a vault with a hunk of animate gristle that tore through metal like a fat kid through snack cakes.”

I don't seem to remember that incident...


now, anyone else want to try for their campaign? :smalltongue:

Off the top of my head, Everything's Better with Penguins 🐧

[DigoDragon]

"Sometimes the magic works; other times you're just the a guy in the dark wearing a funny hat."

It's not a funny hat, its the hat of fashion ahead of its time! XD


Adam: nuke it, or collapse the entire plane of existence it is on?

Jokes on you, Florida weather is so hot that a nuke would be considered a coastal breeze. XD



now, anyone else want to try for their campaign? :smalltongue:

I don't think I could ever follow up something that epic.



Mordai: Am I a pineapple chunk?

*coughs up a lung laughing*



... who's Halva, the pony who appears to have only Halv a mind? :smalltongue:

He's... the only other survivor of Cabbage Town. Moonshadow asked him a few questions, but he didn't seem to be useful.



I don't seem to remember that incident...

Way back months ago at Abbaas' party. We were in a panic room hiding from a ghoul reaver that ripped open the door. Yeah, not a fun encounter.

Was one that Doc did really well in though.

[goto124]

Player: I bend down and scritch [the fairy penguin's] little head!
GM:https://j.gifs.com/0R3E8v.gif


He's... the only other survivor of Cabbage Town. Moonshadow asked him a few questions, but he didn't seem to be useful.

I'm glad I didn't assume Halva to be a mare then :smalltongue:


Way back months ago at Abbaas' party. We were in a panic room hiding from a ghoul reaver that ripped open the door. Yeah, not a fun encounter.

Was one that Doc did really well in though.

Oooooooh! Great dice gods decided to shine upon him?

[DigoDragon]

[The fairy penguin does this.]

D'aww, that's too adorable!



Oooooooh! Great dice gods decided to shine upon him?

Yup! Not often it happens, so I cherish what I can get now!


River Rock: “If you're going to shoot you're gun every five minutes, you could just ask for a silencer.”
Doc: “Silencers don't work well on revolvers, unless you have a way to seal the gap between the cylinder and barrel.”
GM: “River Rock looked slightly annoyed, possibly because he was the son of a gun shop owner and had briefly forgotten that.”
River Rock: “That thing's a little cannon. Have you heard anypony else shooting a gun around here?”
Moon: “You must have missed the part where I got shot then.” *Twisted Smile*
River Rock: “Please don't do that. It's creepy.”
Moon: “I solemnly promise to do my best to not get shot again.”

[B]Moon & Doc: *Laugh*

River Rock: “So, are you really engaged?”
Doc: “Yep, seems to be a fact. Why, you wanna be my Best Stallion?”
River Rock: “Hey, man, you're the one who's engaged.”
Doc: “What a strange word this colt said... Man.”

Doc: “Thanks for the help, Fan Knife.”
GM: “Fan Knife briefly looked pained, as if being told 'thanks' physically hurt her.”
Doc: “Kindness has a dps rating against Fan Knife? Interesting.”

[spineyrequiem]

Guard: What was that noise?
Cleric: I'M A VERY CLANKY SQUIRREL!
Guard: ... OK then.

Paladin: I glare at you. If looks could kill...
Cleric: If disrespecting a bishop could kill... Oh wait, it can!

[the OOD]

Markus Chmela: I have maxed ranks in Profession(Greatest Thief On the Planet Earth).

Owen Lysaght: do you think Fort Knox is a magic user?

Helvetica Jones: Flaming bitchslap, for when a heterosexual bitchslap just isn't enough.

Helvetica: ...and teleport target: only affects axes.
GM: you can't do that, the most you can do is ignore one type of target.
Helvetica: good point. new teleport target: ignore things that aren't axes.:smallbiggrin:

Adam Eden: can you rearrange the formation so that Helvetica is behind me?
Mr.T: sure, why?
Adam: so he gets to enjoy the view.:smalltongue:

Helvetica Jones: [the Dragon] just took my wristwatch and my pants.
[pause]
Helvetica: it didn't even buy me a drink:smallfrown:

[PoeticDwarf]

Cleric How could I stabilize the Dwarf. Difficult
Deathmaster I always try inflicht minor wounds

Me Died three times in three sessions. And I don't think I learned anything. My next character will be a fragile housecat.

DM *rolls 14* total of 21 on grapple. Can you even get that ?
Me I'll just roll *rolls 4* -7...

[digiman619]

Doc: “What a strange word this colt said... Man.”

According to my research, this 'man' you speak of can be identified rather easily as the go around punching everypony whilst declaring that they're a man... and that they're a miserable pile of secrets. Perhaps that's why they go around punching.

[goto124]

D'aww, that's too adorable!

I'm fairly sure that gif is why the campaign is getting more and more penguin :smalltongue:

By the way, that penguin is Cookie the little blue penguin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wTWWjYTe1I). Jump to the 1:00 mark and listen to the adorable noises!


River Rock: “So, are you really engaged?”
Doc: “Yep, seems to be a fact. Why, you wanna be my Best Stallion?”
River Rock: “Hey, man, you're the one who's engaged.”
Doc: “What a strange word this colt said... Man.”


Who wants the Best Stallion Award?

[DigoDragon]

Cleric: If disrespecting a bishop could kill... Oh wait, it can!

Hahaha!



Helvetica: it didn't even buy me a drink:smallfrown:

Having a spare pair of pants is apparently now a required part of the hero kit. XD
Hope Helvetica gets those pants back. Or the drink.


Me I'll just roll *rolls 4* -7...

Yikes.



According to my research, this 'man' you speak of can be identified rather easily as the go around punching everypony whilst declaring that they're a man... and that they're a miserable pile of secrets. Perhaps that's why they go around punching.

Punch everyone you say? :smalltongue:
Seems legit.


By the way, that penguin is Cookie the little blue penguin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wTWWjYTe1I). Jump to the 1:00 mark and listen to the adorable noises!

Too cute!
Is that level of cuteness even legal?


Who wants the Best Stallion Award?

:D

[digiman619]

Hahaha! Punch everyone you say? :smalltongue: Seems legit. Really? No love for Linkara OR Casltevaina: Sympathy of the Night? Harsh.

[DigoDragon]

Really? No love for Linkara OR Casltevaina: Sympathy of the Night? Harsh.

I got the Castlvania ref, but not the Linkara one (because I rarely watch Linkara stuff). I guess I needed both for the full picture.

[digiman619]

I got the Castlvania ref, but not the Linkara one (because I rarely watch Linkara stuff). I guess I needed both for the full picture. Fair enough. I've derailed this thread over a joke long enough. Back to the quotes!

[USS Sorceror]

From our last few sessions:


Bard: We thought your shop was on the other side of the street.
Shopkeeper: Oh! I'll be forgetting where my head is next. -pulls a lever teleporting the shop-

Fighter: I'm Viking Batman!

Fighter: I'm going to skin the wolf's pelt.
DM: As it's a fungus in the shape of a wolf, you don't skin it. It's hollow. It's more like...you unfold it.

DM: (to elf magus) Foolish girl child!
Ranger: Girl child?
Bard: Elven androgyny.

DM: (to ranger) What is-I mean what was your mother's name?
Bard: "Was". You know that's not good.

Magus: We enter the shop.
DM: The shopkeeper doesn't appear to be there.
Ranger: I check under the counter.
DM: He's not crouched down behind there.
Magus: I ring the bell.
DM: As you do, you notice something drips down onto your hand...
Bard: NOPE!

[USS Sorceror]

Oh and one more I forgot.

"I made your guitar a cleric because you keep almost dying."

[PoeticDwarf]

Oh and one more I forgot.

"I made your guitar a cleric because you keep almost dying."

Waaaaaaait:smalleek:

Context?:smallbiggrin:

[Gallade]

Stripper:"I take this and that and...besides the Heal spells, I also take Unwitting Ally, Sift, Lullaby, Unnatural Lust, Vanish, Incontrollable Laughter and Cat's grace..."
DM:"No Charm Person? That would go with your profession..."
Stripper:"Nah, I got Blindness, that's more fitting."
(Beat.)
Stripper:"You know, because you can go blind if you---"
DM:"I get it."

[DigoDragon]

DM: As you do, you notice something drips down onto your hand...
Bard: NOPE!

This is where being genre-savvy saves your life. :o


Choro: “If Viridia is going to handle the sale of River's stuff as a one-time deal to Chain, then I guess I should look for an alternative in for Choro?”
Viridia: “Viridia gets hungry and decides to buy a churro. Somepony mishears her and hilarity ensues.”

River Rock: “So, uh, are you guys actually going down into whatever creepy basement this place has?”
Moon: “Yup, I mean we only had one near death experience. We haven't nearly gotten close to filling our quota yet.”
Doc: “Perhaps there will be some scavengers there willing to trade with us. Or, if they're naughty, we could just shoot them and sell their organs. Win-win I'd say.”
Moon: “Wow, Doc, I think that's the meanest thing I've heard you say.”
River Rock: “What sort of ponies live down there that can't find a place to sleep where it isn't freezing?”
Moon: “The poor and desperate probably. And if that's the case we'll kill them.”
River Rock: “Is that an Enclave thing, or something you just picked up?”
Moon: “It's an ‘I'm sick of getting shot’ thing.”

Doc: “Putting the Harm in Harmony.”

Viridia: “I feel like taking over a gang today.”
Doc: “Pirate queens do need a crew to rule over.”
GM: “Does Viridia really want to be the leader of a lumberjack gang, though? There's so much sawdust and the coffee is terrible.”
Viridia: “I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.”

[USS Sorceror]

Waaaaaaait:smalleek:

Context?:smallbiggrin:

Dreaded context!


Our parties bard rolled pretty low, only had 11 HP. In a magic item shop, he picked up an intelligent acoustic guitar (which sounds electric). When the ranger nearly died from poisoning, the guitar revealed it could cast Restoration. The DM's explanation followed.

[Inevitability]

Dreaded context!


Our parties bard rolled pretty low, only had 11 HP. In a magic item shop, he picked up an intelligent acoustic guitar (which sounds electric). When the ranger nearly died from poisoning, the guitar revealed it could cast Restoration. The DM's explanation followed.


I thought it was some kind of intelligent item PC who kept dying and someone had a warforged cleric created to keep him alive. But this makes sense too.

[PoeticDwarf]

Dreaded context!


Our parties bard rolled pretty low, only had 11 HP. In a magic item shop, he picked up an intelligent acoustic guitar (which sounds electric). When the ranger nearly died from poisoning, the guitar revealed it could cast Restoration. The DM's explanation followed.


That brings more questions, but cool:smallbiggrin:

[Belac93]

Divided by what games they are.
___________________________________
Me (DM): "Ok, so everybody is in the human village. Sara is 2 months pregnant with Valcone's kid, Skylar is being raised by Simu and Narun, and Jared is just being weird. You've been there for a month, Narun still hates Sara, Jared is still jealous of Valcone, and Simu hasn't gotten the shirt off of her neck. What do you do?"

Narun (Aasimar Ranger), to his adopted child: "That's amazing! And slightly terrifying. I'd try and remind you to be careful but then I remember who you're travelling with."

Narun (Aasimar Ranger): "This jerk just got us shot by skeletons and now he's asking for HELP?? If I weren't so angry at the skeletons for shooting me I'd shoot him!"
___________________________________
Lizardfolk Torturer (me): "Do you really think we might find torture tools down there?"
Half-elf: "We can only hope. Some of those are worth a small fortune to the right people."
Lizardfolk Torturer:"... I could have them? That be nice."
___________________________________
Cleric: "Are you sufficiently hydrated, Warlock? Are you a plant to but turn cheek to rain and be fed? Then indeed you are powerful. I shall keep a watercan by my side for the rare times when you call upon my services."
Warlock: Why yes, I am! And thank you for the offer of the watering can. It may prove useful later on."

Bard (me): "I hear a shovel. You think we should check it out? Might be interesting."
Warlock: A shovel, eh? In what way do you hear it? Digging hole, hitting a head, or leaning against a tree?
Bard: "Diggin.' Unless the head is an earth elemental. Or a dwarf. Reminds me of the time I went to a funeral. Old Ben had died. He came back soon afterward, but he wasn't ever the same. Being repeatedly eaten has that effect on people."
Cleric: "Indeed. Wait, was this old Ben and recipient of the High Blessing of Resurrection? Or...or was some manner of troll? Or are you saying he was defamed into an un-life? And what kept eating him? Was he in some dangerous line of work?
Bard: "Yes. And it was lions that kept eating him."
____________________________________

Mainly from my online games.

[TurboGhast]

Context that brings more questions is the best kind of context!

Varis: Am I talking to a dryad or a druid?
DM: A druid.
Varis: Maybe it's a druidic dryad?
DM: I hate monsters with class levels!

DM: The orb of light explodes.
Varis: Am I in the blast radius!?
DM: ... No, it's just a flash.

[Belac93]

Context that brings more questions is the best kind of context!
It Makes Sense in Context. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ItMakesSenseInContext)
Makes Just as Much Sense in Context. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext)

[Aevylmar]

Player: "I steal the spaceship's momentum."

- - -

PC: "What time machine?"

- - -

GM: "So we can agree you're somber, but are you in despair?"

[DigoDragon]

Being repeatedly eaten has that effect on people.

Uh, yeah. It would. O.o



Varis: Am I in the blast radius!?
DM: ... No, it's just a flash.

Well, technically Varis is in the radius, just with photons hitting instead of damage dice. :3



Player: "I steal the spaceship's momentum."

That could be instantly fatal. o.o


Armoise: “My quarters, and where the rest of my associates are, are a few doors away…”
Armoise: “It was formerly a closet.”
Viridia: “How did you fit a bunch of associates in a closet?”

GM: “Nopony at the table seemed to pay much attention to Viridia, or care about her presence.”
Viridia: (thinking) “These poor uggos must be blind.”

Doc: “What do you have in .44 for a hoof-cannon? Also, do you happen to have any accessories?”
River: “Have you fired it, yet? The recoil on this thing must be [B]vicious. I'd rather not put in a bunch of hours on this and then have you sell it so you can get your teeth fixed.”
Doc: “I reckon that's fair. Its last owner was a dentist and he lost his head after firing it.”

[goto124]

Armoise: “My quarters, and where the rest of my associates are, are a few doors away…” [Beat]
Armoise: “It was formerly a closet.”
Viridia: “How did you fit a bunch of associates in a closet?”

How small was the closet (http://i.imgur.com/0vXNMFl.jpg)?


GM: “Nopony at the table seemed to pay much attention to Viridia, or care about her presence.”
Viridia: (thinking) “These poor uggos must be blind.”


Didn't Viridia once use a Charisma roll just to sit around and look pretty, while the rest of the party talked to Stitchheart?

[Necroticplague]

"So, just to clarify: we have to take something that can't exist from something that doesn't exist, in order to find a loophole in something with no conditions, in order to eliminate something that has to exist. All while suffering from conditions that range from "crippling"* to "mortally wounding"**. Thank gods, I thought this was gonna be an easy quest."

*=having one arm dissolved to the point of being just bone and connective tissue
**=having both eyes gouged out, both legs cut off, and given a poison the rendered them mute.

[DigoDragon]

How small was the closet (http://i.imgur.com/0vXNMFl.jpg)?

Didn't Viridia once use a Charisma roll just to sit around and look pretty, while the rest of the party talked to Stitchheart?

Maybe not that small of a closet. :smallbiggrin:

And yes, Viridia did that (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?441544-Fallout-Equestria-Grits-And-Ghouls&p=19941458&viewfull=1#post19941458). Even rolled a crit-success which totally derailed everyone there for a moment. XD



"So, just to clarify: we have to take something that can't exist from something that doesn't exist, in order to find a loophole in something with no conditions, in order to eliminate something that has to exist. All while suffering from conditions that range from "crippling"* to "mortally wounding"**. Thank gods, I thought this was gonna be an easy quest."

How are you people still adventuring with wounds like those? O.o`