PDA

View Full Version : AMEN X: Call of Moonthulu



Pages : [1] 2 3 4 5 6

Castaras
2007-06-07, 11:06 AM
Welcome to AMEN



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v236/TAYLOR444/bloodBanner.png




http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n291/rexidiotarum/pogosmile.gifDas Ruleshttp://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n291/rexidiotarum/pogosmile.gif

No good Deeds allowed, to thank someone, you could merely just not kill them.
If a individual is assassinated by means of trout, and has now known heirs, the assassin inherits all the person's belongings and debt.
Never reveal the secret forum's easy to uncover address.
Stabbing is allowed and encouraged.
Twister, on the other hand, is not.
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
I will not outsource core functions.
If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.
Parts of the list don't apply to AMEN.
Life has no meanin', meatbag. Only machines 'ave significance, on a cosmic scale.
The Previous Rules really don't matter

Exachix
2007-06-07, 11:12 AM
Exachix walks in.

"What a strange occurence."

and sits on a sofa.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 11:13 AM
Why is everyone in AMEN some sort of half breed or really weird race or something except me?

Castaras: Half drow, half human.
Magtok: Half human, half robot.
Saurous: Drow-elf-lich-demon-something.
Moon Called: Half Drow, Half Elf.
Rex: "Fairly Human," according to his page. What does that mean?
Me: Elf. Plain old elf. Well, I'm a Vulcan right now, but that's beside the point.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 11:15 AM
"Vespe, that is because regular races are not nearly as interesting as horrible cross-breeds.

Please don't ask how I have four different races. It's a very long story."

Exachix
2007-06-07, 11:20 AM
"Elf here- with a fox template."

He smiles.

"Because I can."

He starts listening to his music.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 11:21 AM
Ok then. I have something to say. I'm not really an elf, I'm an Elf/Drow/Vulcan/Eldar/Dark Eldar/Dwarf/Human/Cyborg/Demon/Celestial/Zombie/Vampire/Werewolf/Troll/
Ogre/Beholder/Manticore/
Unicorn/Gryphon/Elephant/Wolf/Orc/Ork/Orque/Golem/Goblin/Darkmantle/
Kobold/Spider/Turtle/Shark with Frickin' Laser Beam on it's Frickin' Head/Kraken/Hydra/Red Dragon/Scorpionfolk/Lizardfolk/Catfolk/Hyenafolk/Archon/Eagle/Aboleth!

Castaras
2007-06-07, 11:22 AM
Because my player didn't want my town version to be a normal drow. She wanted a half-drow, because they're uniqueish, like.

Castaras gets blinded.

And what did you do that for?
Because I ran out of lightening spells.
Darn.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 11:27 AM
Ok then. I have something to say. I'm not really an elf, I'm an Elf/Drow/Vulcan/Eldar/Dark Eldar/Dwarf/Human/Cyborg/Demon/Celestial/Zombie/Vampire/Werewolf/Troll/
Ogre/Beholder/Manticore/
Unicorn/Gryphon/Elephant/Wolf/Orc/Ork/Orque/Golem/Goblin/Darkmantle/
Kobold/Spider/Turtle/Shark with Frickin' Laser Beam on it's Frickin' Head/Kraken/Hydra/Red Dragon/Scorpionfolk/Lizardfolk/Catfolk/Hyenafolk/Archon/Eagle/Aboleth!

"But how could-...?

How could a Beholder-...?

I mean a sh-...?

You know what? I really don't want to know.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 11:30 AM
No. No you don't. :smallbiggrin:

It's really mostly the first five though.

In fact, I think it's actually a bit more than that, but that's all I can remember off hand.

Exachix
2007-06-07, 11:37 AM
"Wait... if you're a were-wolf... why be a wolf too?"

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 11:38 AM
Because my ancestors were the retarded kind of werewolf (i.e. the ones that can only turn into a wolf on the full moon) but due to my wolf genes, I can turn into a wolf (or hyena, or scorpion, or cat, or spider, or turtle, or shark with laser beam on head, or beholder, etc) whenever I want. :smallbiggrin:

Saurous
2007-06-07, 11:39 AM
No. No you don't. :smallbiggrin:

It's really mostly the first five though.

In fact, I think it's actually a bit more than that, but that's all I can remember off hand.

"But what kind of terrible or-...?"

Saurous sighs, and puts a hand over his mouth, trying to keep himself from asking questions whose answers he doesn't want to know about.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 11:41 AM
All I can tell you is that Mothers Day and Fathers Day are really a pain in the neck. :smallannoyed:

Exachix
2007-06-07, 11:47 AM
Exachix just listens to his music... not wanting to care.

CurlyKitGirl
2007-06-07, 11:57 AM
Curly puts her hands over her ears To many disturbing things said, so many questions. Besides I don't think I'm a mixture of races. The familiar is though she's a-
A small portal opens beside Curly and the Cat comes through. After giving Curly a piercing stare that made her shiver Smudge walks over to Sauros and starts purring; obviously hoping for food, or a cuddleI swear that cat's magic or something seriously. I can't even talk about her origins without her appearing creeping me out

Korith
2007-06-07, 12:08 PM
Why is everyone in AMEN some sort of half breed or really weird race or something except me?

Castaras: Half drow, half human.
Magtok: Half human, half robot.
Saurous: Drow-elf-lich-demon-something.
Moon Called: Half Drow, Half Elf.
Rex: "Fairly Human," according to his page. What does that mean?
Me: Elf. Plain old elf. Well, I'm a Vulcan right now, but that's beside the point.

*glare*

You don't even ask. EAT LIGHTNING!

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 12:11 PM
*dodges lightning*
Tell me Korith. Have you ever been subject to a Vulcan Death Grip given by a EDVEDEDHCDCZVWTOBMUGEWOOOGGDKSTSWFLBOIFHKHRDCLCHAE A? It's not pretty.
*EDVEDEDHCDCZVWTOBMUGEWOOOGGDKSTSWFLBOIFHKHRDCLCHA EA death grip*

Korith
2007-06-07, 12:31 PM
Lies. There is no Vulcan Death Grip. Only the nerve pinch that was used on Kirk's face, followed by the Death Grip bluff to get him safely away from the Romulan captain.

Silly Kirk...she was quite the looker.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 12:34 PM
I never said anything about a Vulcan death grip. I'm doing the EDVEDEDHCDCZVWTOBMUGEWOOOGGDKSTSWFLBOIFHKHRDCLCHAE A death grip. It does exist.

Korith
2007-06-07, 12:36 PM
*dodges lightning*
Tell me Korith. Have you ever been subject to a Vulcan Death Grip given by a EDVEDEDHCDCZVWTOBMUGEWOOOGGDKSTSWFLBOIFHKHRDCLCHAE A? It's not pretty.
*EDVEDEDHCDCZVWTOBMUGEWOOOGGDKSTSWFLBOIFHKHRDCLCHA EA death grip*

Emphasis mine. You're too slow on the edit!


I never said anything about a Vulcan death grip. I'm doing the EDVEDEDHCDCZVWTOBMUGEWOOOGGDKSTSWFLBOIFHKHRDCLCHAE A death grip. It does exist.

Over my presently ethereal body!

Saurous
2007-06-07, 01:37 PM
An air strike hits the base, shaking the building and shattering various windows.

Saurous glances about, and catches a falling piece of ceiling.

"Great. SP's solutions for silence are getting more violent."

Castaras
2007-06-07, 01:39 PM
Castaras switches on her mp3 player again.

Exachix
2007-06-07, 01:42 PM
An air strike hits the base, shaking the building and shattering various windows.

Saurous glances about, and catches a falling piece of ceiling.

"Great. SP's solutions for silence are getting more violent."

Exachix's eyes glow and he tries to scry out the source of the air strike.

Not SP... but the actual place the air strike came from.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 01:45 PM
Suddenly a whole world suddenly collapses on itself, causing millions of deaths in agonizing pain as their souls are ripped asunder from their flesh, as the crushed ruins of their world collapse the entire network of planes, destroying all magic in the world, and millions more deaths as magically sustained things suddenly stop functioning, causing phylacteries to break, magic carpets to fall, and mages to explode tossing flesh all round, which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fallback planes, which restore magic, causing mage flesh to catch fire and reassemble, killing thousands more of burns.

The only effect this has on the AMEN base is that Vespe is suddenly teleported six feet above the ground in the middle of the room and hangs there.
This can't be good.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 01:47 PM
Exachix's eyes glow and he tries to scry out the source of the air strike.

Not SP... but the actual place the air strike came from.

The air strike appears to have just appeared out of thin air and hit the base.

Exachix
2007-06-07, 01:48 PM
The air strike appears to have just appeared out of thin air and hit the base.

Exachix curses then looks at Vespe.

Korith
2007-06-07, 01:48 PM
Nice. Problem is, you made me non-ethereal as a consequence. This means that even though you're over my living, handsome and utterly amazing body, your death grip still doesn't exist.

Incidentally, I use technology where magic fails me

*Shoots Vespe*

Oh yeah, I've got something to tend to in my lab which just got slammed back into our normal dimension.... Korith looks sickly nervous for a moment

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 02:22 PM
Vespe shrugs off the bullets.
Werewolf, remember?

Korith
2007-06-07, 02:34 PM
Not if you've killed off the magic which feeds the curse in the first place...

V Junior
2007-06-07, 02:50 PM
((Time for my new spell: Plotus Startus!))

Junior runs out her lab grinning and holding a potion saying 'Dark Junior Reversal'. "YESSSS! YESSSS! This is for you, Magtok dear!" She drinks the potion. She turns an odd shade of purple. "Oh dear. Not goo- GAK!" She splits into different aspects of her. Here's a handy-dandy list:
Princess Verandius (level 12 aristocrat) royal blue
Dark Junior (level 9 pirate, level 5 sorceress, level 4 meerkat summoner) dim gray
Junior (level 9 ninja, level 6 sorceress, level 4 meerkat summoner) dark slate blue
Kid Junior (level 6 random insane person) magneta
Sad Junior (level 6 deep depression girl) navy
Light Junior (level 10 paladin) cyan

Korith
2007-06-07, 03:00 PM
*Geas Light Junior*

Clean my lab, and don't break anything. No saving throw.

PirateMonk
2007-06-07, 03:53 PM
PM decides that ignoring the gods for this long amounts to the same thing as waving them away, and sighs with relief.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 04:28 PM
I found something odd in the old EVIL thread. Apparently one of our members has a past we all forgot about.


A girl walks in. She stares at PM and Magtok.

This will be... interesting...

She sits down, and then stands up.

I beleive that, I, too, will join EVIL. I will be your Mysterious Guardian Celestial... and I suggest, Magtok, that you run... for the darkness is upon you. Farewell. She dissapears into a cloud.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 05:10 PM
"Wasn't that V Ju...

Aww, Magtok, are you sad because your girlfriend used to be with EVIL?"

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-07, 05:40 PM
Why is everyone in AMEN some sort of half breed or really weird race or something except me?

Castaras: Half drow, half human.
Magtok: Half human, half robot.
Saurous: Drow-elf-lich-demon-something.
Moon Called: Half Drow, Half Elf.
Rex: "Fairly Human," according to his page. What does that mean?
Me: Elf. Plain old elf. Well, I'm a Vulcan right now, but that's beside the point.

So, that makes me the only definite 100% pure race AMEN member? Besides you?


((Time for my new spell: Plotus Startus!))

Junior runs out her lab grinning and holding a potion saying 'Dark Junior Reversal'. "YESSSS! YESSSS! This is for you, Magtok dear!" She drinks the potion. She turns an odd shade of purple. "Oh dear. Not goo- GAK!" She splits into different aspects of her. Here's a handy-dandy list:
Princess Verandius (level 12 aristocrat) royal blue
Dark Junior (level 9 pirate, level 5 sorceress, level 4 meerkat summoner) dim gray
Junior (level 9 ninja, level 6 sorceress, level 4 meerkat summoner) dark slate blue
Kid Junior (level 6 random insane person) magneta
Sad Junior (level 6 deep depression girl) navy
Light Junior (level 10 paladin) cyan


OMG! No epic characters? What have you been doing with your time?!

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-07, 05:51 PM
How come I always miss these?
...
"I'm almost human, technically a Human with the Natural Rubus Oculus, makes me super tough, with limitless powers."

Rex begins humming "Almost Human" from Voltaire.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 05:58 PM
So, that makes me the only definite 100% pure race AMEN member? Besides you?



OMG! No epic characters? What have you been doing with your time?!

"What do you think her and Magtok do when we're not looking?

...Okay, I've met my quota for the day. No more V+Magtok jokes for now."

Saurous sighs.

"Anyways, it was probably because her levels were divided among the personalities."

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-07, 06:00 PM
"What do you think her and Magtok do when we're not looking?

...Okay, I've met my quota for the day. No more V+Magtok jokes for now."

Saurous sighs.

"Anyways, it was probably because her levels were divided among the personalities."

Yeah, but even totaled up, that's like, not even 100. You're no good until your level is....

OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-07, 06:07 PM
It's also good to note that when a creature is polymorphed, it's species remains the same, therefor, whatever child a being bears while polymorphed will share traits of it's original form. It's how Half-Dragons are born.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 06:11 PM
[B]Yeah, but even totaled up, that's like, not even 100. You're no good until your level is....

OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!

Saurous slaps his forhead.

"I'm surrounded by idiots..."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 06:29 PM
So, that makes me the only definite 100% pure race AMEN member? Besides you?


You missed the news my friend. I'm really an
Elf/Drow/Vulcan/Eldar/Dark Eldar/Dwarf/Human/Cyborg/Demon/Celestial/Zombie/Vampire/Werewolf/Troll/
Ogre/Beholder/Manticore/
Unicorn/Gryphon/Elephant/Wolf/Orc/Ork/Orque/Golem/Goblin/Darkmantle/
Kobold/Spider/Turtle/Shark with Frickin' Laser Beam on it's Frickin' Head/Kraken/Hydra/Red Dragon/Scorpionfolk/Lizardfolk/Catfolk/Hyenafolk/Archon/Eagle/Aboleth.

It's probably better if you don't know the story.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 06:34 PM
Magtok thinks of all the things V Junior has done that might remotely suggest she's a spy, then tries to think of a list of possibilities that might explain why and how she could've been a member of EVIL. His head hurts after a while and he decides to torture some paladins to try to forget about it.


So, that makes me the only definite 100% pure race AMEN member? Besides you?

I'm pure, too! I just had some robotic body parts! Its not like my dad was a computer or something. That'd be sick and disgusting.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 06:39 PM
Black Sabbath's song Paranoid suddenly blares over the nearby intercoms.

Saurous smirks.

"Hmm, I wonder if that was supposed to mean something..."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 06:43 PM
Vespe grins and edits Magtoks backstory.
Uh yeah Magtok, your dad WAS a computer.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 06:52 PM
Vespe, you're going to remove that edit, or I'm going to toaster-ify you. My mom was not a technophile. :smallannoyed:

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 06:56 PM
Make me a flesh toaster! Go ahead, I want to be one, remember?

Saurous
2007-06-07, 07:00 PM
"I knew it! Vespe is a creepy masochist!"

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 07:03 PM
Make me a flesh toaster! Go ahead, I want to be one, remember?

Hmm...okay, you get to be a toaster. But I get to peek at the AMEN RPG before any of the others do, and you have to sign a contract giving me 102% of any cash you get after being toaster-ified. Oh, and you have to leave my backstory and stuff alone.


"I knew it! Vespe is a creepy masochist!"

Magtok laughs so hard his metal vocal cords explode and remove his ability to speak for the next two pages.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 07:05 PM
Hmm...you drive a hard bargain Magtok. I do not like people looking at my work...all right, but I won't be a flesh toaster if that's how it's gonna be. You will put my brain into a toaster, and I shall be a toaster robot, ok?

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 07:09 PM
Hmm...you drive a hard bargain Magtok. I do not like people looking at my work...all right, but I won't be a flesh toaster if that's how it's gonna be. You will put my brain into a toaster, and I shall be a toaster robot, ok?

Fine, but I get the 102% and you have to leave the Magtok page alone.

Before Vespe can agree or disagree, Magtok teleports to the labs and begins working on a toaster, wondering if he should just shove Vespe's brain in an ordinary toaster and melt it, or actually make Vespe a toaster-bot.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 07:16 PM
Saurous sighs, and summons a pair of ghasts.

"Sir?"

"I have the desire to bring extreme pain to someone at the moment."

"And what does that have to do with u...oh shi-!"

The ghasts suddenly find themselves torn completely inside out, writhing and screaming in their own decaying organs. Saurous smiles, and then takes a seat on the couch, reading over his spell book.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 07:23 PM
Magtok comes back from the labs with a scalpel and a toaster with a orb filled with brain juice inside the machine.

Now Vespe, I'm afraid we don't have any anesthesia. It seemed ridiculous at the time when I was buying my evil and twisted surgeon's supplies, so you should feel a little pain as I remove the top of your head. And by a little, I mean A LOT.

You don't mind, right?

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 07:25 PM
Weeeeeeeee! Cut my head open cut my head open!
Sometimes you scare me.
You're the one writing me.
It's hard to explain. Sometimes characters just take their own direction...
I think you're just an artsy idiot.
Whatever.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 07:34 PM
Suddenly...

"Oh, what now?"

...an army of clowns suddenly drop from the ceiling, attacking anyone around them, but especially Saurous. He jumps up, somehow sticking, screaming something along the lines of "Ohmygodsgetthemthehellawayfromme!"

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 07:35 PM
Magtok cuts Vepes's head open with the scalpel, removes the brain, and holds it up in front of everybody, while activating an anti-clown field.

This is your brain.

He then rolls the brain around in dirt and slime, and then holds it up again.

This is your brain on drugs. :smallbiggrin:

After doing his little joke, Magtok washes the brain off in the kitchen sink, and then puts it in the toaster.

Hmm...I wonder if I got it right this time. The last 9854 test subjects exploded in a shower of brains for some reason.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 07:35 PM
Suddenly Kirk, Spock, and an army of redshirts rush in.
Mr. Spock, analysis on the clown creatures.
It's life Jim, but not as we know it.
We come in peace...shoot to kill!
All of them begin firing wildly on the whole room, but mostly on the clowns.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 07:38 PM
The clowns keep on coming. Saurous drops down from the ceiling, slicing down any clown in his path. Obviously, he doesn't like clowns very much.

Mr. Moon
2007-06-07, 07:43 PM
Moon Called looks around, then rolls her eyes. "Clowns? Saurous, your player is losing whatever touch he once had." She lazily stabs a clown, then bends down to examin his nose. "Huh. What do ya know. Those red noses are real."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 07:46 PM
Magtok calls in some troops, and suddenly robo-spiders teleport to each clown's chest, which they proceed to claw and tear their way out of Alien-style.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 07:46 PM
"Actually, he's manipulating one of my few unrealistic fears."

Saurous kicks a clown across it's face, and then tosses it at a group of the remaining clowns.

"I guess he didn't think that I respond violently to the things I'm afraid of."

Mr. Moon
2007-06-07, 07:53 PM
"Ohhh. You know, sometimes I think our players are eviler than we are." Moon Called says, examining now the overly large shoes of the clown to see if his feet actualy fill it.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 07:56 PM
Since Vespe went offline, Magtok ceases working on the robo-toaster thing, and calmly walks over to a clown.

He places his hand over the clowns face, and suddenly robo-spiders climb from out of his sleeve, up his arm, and then onto the clown's face where they claw out his eyes and skitter into his throat.

Damn clowns. I want to kill the guy who thought that freaky facepaint was funny.

PirateMonk
2007-06-07, 07:58 PM
"Ohhh. You know, sometimes I think our players are eviler than we are." Moon Called says, examining now the overly large shoes of the clown to see if his feet actualy fill it.

"Sometimes? I've known that for threads, and I have the nicest player in this base."

Saurous
2007-06-07, 07:58 PM
"Really?"

All the dead clowns suddenly pop back to life, only with impossibly pointed teeth jutting from their mouths, and massive claws growing out of their hands and feet.

Saurous frowns, and suddenly reaches his hand into one of the clown's mouths. He grabs the creature's tounge, and rips the creature inside out. The clown's interior appears to be a whirring mass of blades.

"Huh."

Mr. Moon
2007-06-07, 08:03 PM
Moon Called jumps back as the clown stands up, reflexivly swinging her blade in front of her. "Wow. I didn't even have to think about that. All that training with Rex payed off."

Saphire slaps her forehead, and runs off to get her back pack.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 08:04 PM
Magtok's eyes go wide when he sees the inside-out clown.

How the hell is that possible? Shouldn't it cut its own insides up?

And Saur, if you fear clowns, what was with that whole mind-flayer/clown/Hello Kitty/lawyer idea?

Saurous
2007-06-07, 08:08 PM
Magtok's eyes go wide when he sees the inside-out clown.

How the hell is that possible? Shouldn't it cut its own insides up?

And Saur, if you fear clowns, what was with that whole mind-flayer/clown/Hello Kitty/lawyer idea?

"1) Don't ask questions about the clowns. Their entire existance defies the laws of physics.

2) Those were made from mimes."

Saurous throws the inside-out clown at a group of the other clowns, and they all go down in a bloody mass of bodies.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 08:13 PM
Those were made from mimes."

Magtok sends out a pack of zombie/cybrog dogs to eat anything left of the clowns, and then has each and every hound tossed into the furnace.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

Speaking of stuff from the first thread, does anyone have the link to it? I couldn't find it in the archives, and I really needed to look something up there.

Mr. Moon
2007-06-07, 08:16 PM
"Try using the Search feature." Saphire shrugs, pulling a pencil crayon case and a scrap book of art with several lose sheets of paper stuffed inside out of her backpack. "None of you would have any tape would you?"

"What are you doing?"

"Working on your training montage."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 08:20 PM
"Try using the Search feature."

I tried looking in Psyke_D's "threads made" page thingy, and it wasn't there! I searched under Evil, and it wasn't there! I even searched under Ayya and it wasn't there! Where the hell did our original home go? :smalleek: :smallconfused: :smalleek:

MP handwaves a roll of tape next to Saphire, and then disappears.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 08:42 PM
I tried looking in Psyke_D's "threads made" page thingy, and it wasn't there! I searched under Evil, and it wasn't there! I even searched under Ayya and it wasn't there! Where the hell did our original home go? :smalleek: :smallconfused: :smalleek:

MP handwaves a roll of tape next to Saphire, and then disappears.

"Oh noes. The Evil Inc. thread has gone missing. Whatever shall we do?

I know! Force Magtok to work harder at finding it!"

A chain-whip floats up to Magtok, and begins whipping him.

Mr. Moon
2007-06-07, 08:45 PM
Saphire frowns. "Look harder then." Saphire says, waiting the three hundred seconds untill she can try again.

"Was it created before the server move? I can't remember. If it was, then it's probably long gone."

Moon Called shrugs, having joined in thread three anyway.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 08:46 PM
"Oh noes. The Evil Inc. thread has gone missing. Whatever shall we do?

I know! Force Magtok to work harder at finding it!"

A chain-whip floats up to Magtok, and begins whipping him.

Magtok whines about the thread not being there, and continues his search anyway, deciding to dig through Ayya's past to try to find it.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 08:59 PM
Saphire frowns. "Look harder then." Saphire says, waiting the three hundred seconds untill she can try again.

"Was it created before the server move? I can't remember. If it was, then it's probably long gone."

Moon Called shrugs, having joined in thread three anyway.

"I'm pretty sure it was sometime in December-January. That was after the server move, methinks."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 09:00 PM
Carlos decides to try and draw something in Paint, when he suddenly notices that Sonic is giving away free root beer floats.
Screw drawing, I'm gonna get a root beer float! :smallbiggrin:
(be right back peoples)

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 09:10 PM
"I'm pretty sure it was sometime in December-January. That was after the server move, methinks."

You and me weren't around during the server move days, so it had to be after.

((Heheh...I found the old thread when male Castaras and Saurina appeared for GB week. Heheh...Saurina. :smalltongue: ))

Mr. Moon
2007-06-07, 09:19 PM
"Magtok's right. He showed up around when I started the Rage. Which was after the server move." Moon Called frowns, wishing she had a better memory.

((Heheh.. I remember Saurina. That was actualy what cleared his gender up for me.

What? That pixilated guy looked very ambigius.))

Saurous
2007-06-07, 09:24 PM
You and me weren't around during the server move days, so it had to be after.

((Heheh...I found the old thread when male Castaras and Saurina appeared for GB week. Heheh...Saurina. :smalltongue: ))

((Ayya scares me. That's all I have to say in the matter.))

"So what could be the problem, then?"

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 09:26 PM
((Heheh.. I remember Saurina. That was actualy what cleared his gender up for me.

What? That pixilated guy looked very ambigius.))

Wait...If you weren't sure of his gender, doesn't that make you a bisexual? :smallconfused:

And on an unrelated note, I've given up the search for the original thread. I think we posted a link a thread or two ago to it, but it isn't worth that much digging to find it.


"So what could be the problem, then?"

It just doesn't booping show up! It isn't in Psyke_D's "threads made" thingy, it isn't in Ayya's previous posts thingy on her profile, and it isn't in the archives! It is GONE FOREVER!

Saurous
2007-06-07, 09:29 PM
Wait...If you weren't sure of his gender, doesn't that make you a bisexual? :smallconfused:

And on an unrelated note, I've given up the search for the original thread. I think we posted a link a thread or two ago to it, but it isn't worth that much digging to find it.

Saurous shakes his head, attempting to keep what is left of his sanity from melting away.

"Damn you, Magtok."


It just doesn't booping show up! It isn't in Psyke_D's "threads made" thingy, it isn't in Ayya's previous posts thingy on her profile, and it isn't in the archives! It is GONE FOREVER!

"Well, that's just great."

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-07, 09:31 PM
There wasn't much worth of the first thread. I don't see why it matters.

Now, to get rid of all the good in the world.
* goes out to steal Candy from a little child *

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 09:36 PM
There wasn't much worth of the first thread. I don't see why it matters.

Remember when I lost my arm and got some claw thingy? I need to remember who made that, and ask them to remake it with the black Magtok robes. I also need to search Saur's words for innuendo.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-07, 09:41 PM
Anyways, I pulled a google search, and it turned up with nothing. You won't find it.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 09:42 PM
Remember when I lost my arm and got some claw thingy? I need to remember who made that, and ask them to remake it with the black Magtok robes. I also need to search Saur's words for innuendo.

"That was danielf that made that.

...wait, you were going to search my words for what?!"

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 09:44 PM
"That was danielf that made that.

...wait, you were going to search my words for what?!"

Thanks, Saur. I suppose I'll just have to search the second thread for innuendo, though. :smallfrown:

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 09:45 PM
...wait, you were going to search my words for what?!"

Hmm....
Vespe ponders this while consuming BREADSCTHIKS.
Ah Bread Sticks. How I love thee. I'm gonna write a poem about BREADSCTHIKS.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-07, 09:48 PM
Hmm....
Vespe ponders this while consuming BREADSCTHIKS.
Ah Bread Sticks. How I love thee. I'm gonna write a poem about BREADSCTHIKS.

How the hell are you still talking, Toaspe?

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 09:50 PM
Suddenly continuity catches up with Vespe, who turns into a toaster.
Waffles shoot out of Vespe, and land on Saurous' head.

Saurous
2007-06-07, 09:54 PM
Saurous sighs, and begins taking waffles off of his head.

A vulture flits over to him, and begins helping. It eventually comes to the top of his skull, and begins pecking at it.

"Hey! I'm not completely dead yet! Off with you."

He shakes the bird off his head, and it flies off.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-07, 09:58 PM
Suddenly a voice echoes over the intercom that yells
ROFLS MA WAFFLZ!
Toaspe begins rapid firing wafflz all around the room.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-07, 10:03 PM
Hey, Magtok. Looks like someone's "revised" your past...again.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-07, 10:15 PM
Why is everyone in AMEN some sort of half breed or really weird race or something except me?

Castaras: Half drow, half human.
Magtok: Half human, half robot.
Saurous: Drow-elf-lich-demon-something.
Moon Called: Half Drow, Half Elf.
Rex: "Fairly Human," according to his page. What does that mean?
Me: Elf. Plain old elf. Well, I'm a Vulcan right now, but that's beside the point.

Demonic Elf here. I guess I'm like an Elven Tiefling. That's cool.

Yes. Yes it is. Because I can.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 08:32 AM
Hey, Magtok. Looks like someone's "revised" your past...again.

Thanks for telling me. I went back and fixed it.:smalltongue:

Castaras
2007-06-08, 09:34 AM
Castaras carries on listening to her mp3 player, watching to see if any new madness will occur.

Korith
2007-06-08, 09:50 AM
*Uses stolen Illithid head to blast Castaras into a solipsist state with only herself and her mp3 player*

Okay, enough of those mp3 interruptions.

Who wants to take over the elemental plane of fire?

Saurous
2007-06-08, 10:00 AM
Saurous walks in, carrying a ninja's corpse over his head.

"Conquer the plane of fire? Meh, why not?"

V Junior
2007-06-08, 11:05 AM
((Junior is a: Meerkat/Celestial/Devil/Demon/Elf/Halfling/Quaterlin/Three-Quatersling/Human/Tiefling/Assimar/Beholder/Golom/Worm/Gnome/Pixie/ Mesuda/Naga/Lich/Ghost/Chicken/Snowman/Slyph/Gibbering Mouther/Drow/Zombie/Peach Tree/Dryad/Lioness
A random FYI))

"I demand to know what is going on here!"
"Weeee!!!"
"Not again..."
"DIE, EVIL SCUM!"
"CRAP!"
"SHUT UP!! WE NEED TO SORT THIS OUT! Okay, here goes; tie up the paladin, knock out the kid, give some tissues to the sad girl, and explain that we don't have a clue what's going on either to the princess. Guys, the EVIL thing was back wehn I had an identity crisis. I had know idea who-or what- I was! I didn't even know my alignment!"

Saurous
2007-06-08, 11:37 AM
Saurous sighs.

"Look, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Darkie, and Princess Verandius, there was obviously a flaw in the potion that instead of removing Dark Junior, it instead duplicated whatever caused Dark Junior to form, thus spliting Junior into even more base personalities. It shouldn't be that hard to find what went wrong and solve it."

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-08, 11:39 AM
Rex lays on a random Horizontal surface wearing a leather trenchcoat and brandishing a Six-gun.

I know of a solution... He says, darkly.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 11:41 AM
Wait!
Vespe drops in from the ceiling, promptly followed by Toaspe.
We need guns if we're to conquer the plane of Fire!
Everyone is promptly teleported to the Completely Overstocked Armory, which is stuffed with guns, guns, clubs, swords, and all sorts of things.
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN, THERE MAY BE AN AVALANCHE!
And suddenly, all sorts of weapons fall on top of everyone.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-08, 11:44 AM
Screw that, we do this like the matrix.
...
Everyone appears in white space. Noting for miles.
"I need weapons." Rex says, and from the distance a large groups of selves carrying weapons approaces extremely quickly.

Rex grabs his sword, a few guns, and a cool pair of gloves.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 11:50 AM
Before we go, let's have a Beatles reference!
Everyone is suddenly under the sea, and Octopus's Garden starts playing.

John Lennon drifts by, playing the guitar.

Castaras
2007-06-08, 12:32 PM
Castaras carries on listening to her mp3 player, just to break the silence into little pieces and mutilate these little pieces horribly.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 12:40 PM
A lawyer walks in, and holds up a sign that reads
Castaras, you are under arrest for assault and murder of the silence.

Castaras
2007-06-08, 12:41 PM
Castaras shoots the lawyer with a pie gun. She then holds up a sign.

Does it look like I care?

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 12:46 PM
A mime comes walking in, carrying an invisible AK-47, which he then begins firing all around the room.

Castaras
2007-06-08, 12:51 PM
Castaras fades into the shadows using her rusty old skills as a shadowdancer, taking some damage, but not too much.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 12:57 PM
((Shadowdancer? Didn't know that...))

The mime shrugs and turns up the stereo to the maximum volume.
Nothing comes out, but the mime starts headbanging.

Castaras
2007-06-08, 01:06 PM
(( Backstoryish stuff. I'll add it later to my profile thingy.

Actually, I'll do it now, then copy/paste to the rpg thing. While I'm thinking about it. ))

Castaras stays in the shadows, hmmin.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 01:53 PM
Magtok holds a meeting with his trusted lieutenant-bot and his player.

Men, I've assembled you all here for several important reasons.

1. We need to figure out what to do about V Junior
2. We need to determine whether I am truly sane
3. We need to decide how I should present myself. Should we continue with the laughing stock ruse, or move on to something more fascist and overlordy?

I say we should stick with the girl, that we're insane, and that we should continue to be the fool for the amusement of others.

I, your trusted lieuntenant, am driven only by logic and what I believe is best for your continued existence, m'lord. I say that you are sane, but emotionally unstable, and that you should detach yourselves from our laughing stock position, and leave Junior.

Stay in the shadows of your labs, leave the others alone, and return to your old ways when the Junior matter sorts itself out, and the others forget about you.

Castaras
2007-06-08, 02:27 PM
Castaras comes out of the shadows and sits back down on a sofa. She goes back to listening to her mp3 player.

After a while she falls asleep.

Saurous
2007-06-08, 03:59 PM
"Castaras lives such an interesting life."

Saurous pulls out a small crystal from his pocket, and begins waving it around at the ceiling. Some sort of creature begins melting out of the ceiling.

Castaras
2007-06-08, 04:01 PM
A pie nearby holds up a sign.

She prefers boring nowadays.

Castaras wakes up and teleports away.

PirateMonk
2007-06-08, 04:25 PM
Magtok sends out a pack of zombie/cybrog dogs to eat anything left of the clowns, and then has each and every hound tossed into the furnace.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

Speaking of stuff from the first thread, does anyone have the link to it? I couldn't find it in the archives, and I really needed to look something up there.

((SMBG threads disappear after a month.

Also, why do the mods keep insisting that we have structure?))

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 05:25 PM
((SMBG threads disappear after a month.))

That doesn't explain why it wasn't in the archives!

((Archives are at the bottom of each page, on a brown line next to "Contact Us"))

Saurous
2007-06-08, 05:39 PM
"A wizard did it."

"PM had to bring this up. Now Mags is going to spend the next four hours trying to figure this out."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 05:44 PM
No, I gave up on trying to find it. I'm sure we had a link to it two or three threads ago, but I'm too lazy to find it.

Hmmm...nobody else seems to be online. Wanna watch a movie?

Saurous
2007-06-08, 05:49 PM
"I don't really care what you do."

Saurous pauses for a moment, and then remembers what he was doing. The creature, which just so happens to be a very large demon, falls out of the ceiling, landing on top of Saurous.

"You summoned me, m'lord?"

"Ow...first of all, get your fat ass off of me."

The demon steps aside, leaving Saurous on the floor, a crumpled mess of bone.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 06:11 PM
Magtok makes some popcorn and puts a movie into the DVD player, and while he waits for the movie to start, an android approaches him.

Sir, I have bad news.

*Sigh* What is it?

The cyborg dinosaurs escaped. They're tearing apart the labs. I was lucky enough to escape the devastation and get here.

Seal off the labs and tell everyone to guard The Big Shiny Door. Also, when you finish doing that, shoot the guy who came up with the dino-borg idea.

Yes, m'lord.

The robot leaves, and Magtok begins to watch Jurassic Park II.

Saurous
2007-06-08, 06:21 PM
The demon looks down at Saurous.

"You don't look very good, Sir."

"What gave you that idea?"

Saurous pulls himself up off the floor, making a few humorous cracking noises as he does so. The demon (let us name him Auhuneas) glances at him nervously.

"What did you need me for, Sir?"

"I need you to establish a meeting for me. I need to talk with Demogorgon, Asmodeus, Anthraxus, and the lords of the undead. Oh, and tell Antrhaxus that I think his name sounds silly."

"Y...yes, m'lord."

Auhuneas then disappears into the floor. Saurous sighs, and walks over to one of the sofas, and takes a seat.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 06:25 PM
Wait a sec...you know a guy named Anthrax? :smallconfused:

Saurous
2007-06-08, 06:29 PM
"He's Anthraxus, and yes, I do. He's is- or was- the Oinoloth, one of the leaders of the Yugoloths.

Yes, I know he has a stupid name."

Saurous summons some popcorn and a soda, and watches the movie.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 06:48 PM
Yugo-what?

...Nevermind, I'm sure I don't want to know. Probably some stupid demony thing.

Saurous
2007-06-08, 06:49 PM
"Kinda. They're the Neutral Evil equivalent of Demons and Devils."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 07:00 PM
Whatever. All those different freaky, fiery, Hell-spawn things confuse me. So many different names, when they all look and act the same, punishing deceased evil things for some idiotic reason I can't remember.

With machines, its a lot simpler. All you have a juggernaut world-destroyer things, humanoid androids like HK-47 and Arnold Scwarzenegger, and little gadgets and gizmos like the Bond gadgets.

Mr. Moon
2007-06-08, 07:00 PM
Saphire pops in and pokes SP. "Hey, you know that game Curly and Zeratul started? Are you gonna join it?"

Saurous
2007-06-08, 07:04 PM
Whatever. All those different freaky, fiery, Hell-spawn things confuse me. So many different names, when they all look and act the same, punishing deceased evil things for some idiotic reason I can't remember.

With machines, its a lot simpler. All you have a juggernaut world-destroyer things, humanoid androids like HK-47 and Arnold Scwarzenegger, and little gadgets and gizmos like the Bond gadgets.

"Yeah, I know, Maggot. It gets frustrating after a while, and of course they're always at your throat if you misspell their names. Try spelling Harishek Ap Thulkesh a few times without making a mistake."

Saurous sighs, and goes back to watching the movie.


Saphire pops in and pokes SP. "Hey, you know that game Curly and Zeratul started? Are you gonna join it?"
"Um, I wasn't planning on it right now. Why?"

Mr. Moon
2007-06-08, 07:07 PM
"Oh. Good. You see, my back story kinda involves Magtok killing all the AMENites but Moon Called escaping... Yeah." Saphire nods, as if agreeing with herself, her arms folded over her chest.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-08, 07:10 PM
Wait, what game?

And you expect Magtok to kill me?

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 07:10 PM
"Oh. Good. You see, my back story kinda involves Magtok killing all the AMENites but Moon Called escaping... Yeah." Saphire nods, as if agreeing with herself, her arms folded over her chest.

Yay! Nothing gets in the way of me killing everybody (except MC) in some twisted alternate reality!

Mr. Moon
2007-06-08, 07:11 PM
Wait, what game?

And you expect Magtok to kill me?

"Not you, no. You'll come into play later. Or at lest, get mentioned later." Saphire shrugs.

Saurous
2007-06-08, 07:12 PM
"Oh. Good. You see, my back story kinda involves Magtok killing all the AMENites but Moon Called escaping... Yeah." Saphire nods, as if agreeing with herself, her arms folded over her chest.

"Well, I'm really thinking it over. I don't know if I want to join it or not."

"Wait, you actually think that Magtok could kill me? For good?"

Mr. Moon
2007-06-08, 07:14 PM
"Well, you can. Just not as AMEN Saurous.

And on that note, I have to get off before spoiled brat here has a hissy fit." Saphire points at her off-screan brother and sighs.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-08, 07:16 PM
Contact me when you need my help. Just remeber, I'm that shadowy guy that seeks to loosen the grip of anyone trying to control this place.

And, Saurous, if Magtok uses the greatest of his tech, yes, I believe you could be defeated.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 07:16 PM
"Wait, you actually think that Magtok could kill me? For good?"

Of course I could. I'm just too lazy to retrieve the soul-stealy machines and the anti-magic robo-ninjas. I had them all put on Hoth to keep them safe, but now its a pain to ship them anywhere, because I usually end up visiting during the invasion.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 07:19 PM
Wait, you actually think anyone could kill me? I'm the comic relief! You can't kill the comic relief!
Vespe pulls out a shotgun and shoots himself to illustrate this fact.
You literally CAN'T kill me. Not shouldn't, not might not, you CAN'T! Plot wouldn't let you. The comic relief always lives to the end.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-08, 07:23 PM
Wait, you actually think anyone could kill me? I'm the comic relief! You can't kill the comic relief!
Vespe pulls out a shotgun and shoots himself to illustrate this fact.
You literally CAN'T kill me. Not shouldn't, not might not, you CAN'T! Plot wouldn't let you. The comic relief always lives to the end.

Not in a bitter post-apocyliptic world. And you're comic relief? I didn't think you were funny.

Really, I think, giving my training, Moon could live, Magtok would live, I would live because I have a lot more power than Magtok, maybe Fus will still be around, but only as a side character that might be mentioned as some king of chaos.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-08, 07:23 PM
*is playing video games*
Ha ha ha ha! Bleck!

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 07:28 PM
Vespe suddenly turns into a plushie.
He shrugs and picks up a controller and tries to play whatever Fus. is playing.
Due to being a plushie, he fails at this.

Saurous
2007-06-08, 07:31 PM
"Wait, this makes me about the equivalent of Fus or Vespe? Well, that's just freaking great."

"Oh, quit being such a baby."

"You'd be upset too if you were thought to be equal with this moron."

Saurous gestures towards Vespe.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-08, 07:31 PM
I think Magtok's the original Comic relief. He has a lot of crap happen to him, like a realy, really bad Bond villian. And Doctor Evil.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-08, 07:32 PM
Vespe suddenly turns into a plushie.
He shrugs and picks up a controller and tries to play whatever Fus. is playing.
Due to being a plushie, he fails at this.

Super Paper Mario.

Oh, screw you, Dimentio!


"Wait, this makes me about the equivalent of Fus or Vespe? Well, that's just freaking great."

"Oh, quit being such a baby."

"You'd be upset too if you were thought to be equal with this moron."

Saurous gestures towards Vespe.

Hey! If it weren't everyone's apparent invincibility, clones, and resistance to everything, you'd all be in a bloody heap right now as I feasted on your still beating hearts.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 07:36 PM
The plushie takes offense at Saurous's remarks and charges at him, brandishing a small knife.
The plushie starts to stab Saurous.

Saurous
2007-06-08, 07:38 PM
Saurous sighs, and picks up the Vespe plushie. He tosses it at a wall, and then tosses several nails at it, pinning it to the wall. This is, of course, very painful.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-08, 07:39 PM
Actually, I expect most of Amen to go down without much resistance, it's you that's Magtok's greatest threat. He'll take your death slowly. You'll raise a big fight, but it just come down to one point when your undead can't harm his droids, and you lose all advantages of fighting a living force (More troops upon death), that the tide quickly turns to Magtok. You take a final stand to prevent magtok from getting at Moon Called.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-08, 07:39 PM
Ah!

*rips out Vespe's plush heart and devours it*

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 07:40 PM
Ah!

*rips out Vespe's plush heart and devours it*

The plushie goes limp.

Vespe walks in.
All right people, we all know that we'll never end this argument. Therefore I propose a battle royale using the d20 system, to determine, in fact, who could beat who.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 07:42 PM
Super Paper Mario.

Oh, screw you, Dimentio!



Hey! If it weren't everyone's apparent invincibility, clones, and resistance to everything, you'd all be in a bloody heap right now as I feasted on your hearts.

Nah, you couldn't do that. You're just a lot of destructive magical energies that took on a physical form. Just like every other void, black hole monster, or infinite cosmic nothing. You're too cliche and munckiny to do anything to me without my player handwaving it away. :smallamused: :smalltongue:

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-08, 07:49 PM
Nah, you couldn't do that. You're just a lot of destructive magical energies that took on a physical form. Just like every other void, black hole monster, or infinite cosmic nothing. You're too cliche and munckiny to do anything to me without my player handwaving it away. :smallamused: :smalltongue:

Hmm, really?

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 07:55 PM
Go ahead and test it out, Danny Phantom. :smalltongue:

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-08, 07:55 PM
Go ahead and test it out, Danny Phantom. :smalltongue:

Phantom? What?

Saurous
2007-06-08, 07:59 PM
"Danny Phantom (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_Phantom_%28character%29), you moron."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 07:59 PM
...Sorry. My player forgets sometimes that not everyone else watches those stupid cartoons on Nickelodeon.

I still can't believe that he actually made me say that...

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-08, 08:00 PM
I mean, I'm not a phantom. Or ghost. Or anything like that. I'm a morphling. That's it.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 08:01 PM
Ahhhh!
Vespe rips out Magtoks spleen.
NEVER
MENTION
THAT
SHOW
AGAIN.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-08, 08:01 PM
I'm with you MP!
(Loser.)

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 08:07 PM
Magtok takes his player's spleen and uses it to replace his own, and then swears to keep his player from ever referencing any stupid cartoons like that one ever again. Especially the garbage that comes from Nickelodeon.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-08, 08:09 PM
I launch my first weapon! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBIJYJELSp0) No saving throw.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 08:11 PM
Whatcha doing?
I'm trying to think up a backstory for you, but I can't think of anything that fits your character. I would do something horribly angsty like everyone elses but that doesn't fit you in the least. And every one I do turns out wrong.
I see.
Any ideas?
You're the one who made me up.
True. Still can't think of anything.
Carlos continues trying to write up a good backstory for Vespe.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 08:13 PM
I launch my first weapon! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBIJYJELSp0) No saving throw.

Apparently you forgot that my player's AT&T dial-up connection thingy is too slow for him to watch that. I'm afraid your link is useless.

Now while you go think up something else to use against me, I going to go ignore you and watch the movie. :smalltongue:

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 08:15 PM
Anyone got any ideas for a backstory for Vespe?

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-08, 08:16 PM
So, nobody clicked on the link? Crap.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 08:25 PM
Anyone got any ideas for a backstory for Vespe?

How about this? He was a regular elfy edventuring bard, until one day, someone in his evil adventuring party had the nerve to mock his class. He instantly gained a few levels in bard-barian, and killed off his entire party. The DM got pissed, so he banished the bard to the playground, and he eventually joined AMEN.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 08:28 PM
How about this? He was a regular elfy edventuring bard, until one day, someone in his evil adventuring party had the nerve to mock his class. He instantly gained a few levels in bard-barian, and killed off his entire party. The DM got pissed, so he banished the bard to the playground, and he eventually joined AMEN.

That's actually....pretty good.
That sucks.
But, it gives me an idea.
Oh no....:smalleek: damn you Magtok! :smallfurious:

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 08:38 PM
*Shrugs* At least I kept it from getting angsty. Speaking of which, I have to have a word with my player.

Magtok's player suddenly warps in.

What do you want? I'm very busy, so make it quick!

Edit all of the angst out of my backstory or I'll kill you.

Fine. Your family was killed by paladins and you were cut in half and turned into a cyborg, but your family hated you anyways and you were happy when they died.

You took over the world simply because you needed to in order to extinguish all of the paladins from the world, and the whole time you never got upset even once.

Fine. But what about the clone son thing?

He killed you and then your soul got warped here. PM's aliens blew up that world, and everyone on it. They all died, and you live happily, knowing that all the jerks and bastards who made fun of your robot-ness are dead.

Hmm...I guess that'll work. Now go away.

Magtok's player dissappears, and Magtok gets a angst-free backstory.

Mr. Moon
2007-06-08, 08:38 PM
Moon Called smirks. "Wellcome to the world of players who actualy try to form plots." She pauses, and frowns. "Hang on... I sence a change in the Plot..."

Saphire darts in. "What? Don't be silly! It's nothing!"

Saurous
2007-06-08, 08:41 PM
"A change in the Plot? This won't end well."

Saurous prepares to make a run for the bomb shelter and/or the +9 desk of invulnerability.

Mr. Moon
2007-06-08, 08:43 PM
Moon Called shakes her head. "No, no, not now. Sometime... distant."

"It's nothing! Stop scrying into it! I comand you to stop scrying into it!" Saphire shouts. Moon Called sighs.

Saurous
2007-06-08, 08:45 PM
"It sure doesn't sound like nothing," Saurous and his player say in unison.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 08:48 PM
Hey Magtok, which thread did I come in? You know, with the Spartan stuff.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 08:50 PM
"A change in the Plot? This won't end well."

Saurous prepares to make a run for the bomb shelter and/or the +9 desk of invulnerability.

The ol' desk? Wasn;t that back from before you and MC hooked up? I think she tried to crawl under there with you, prompting me to start the whole chain of events that led to Maur.

Wait...this means that your desk is the reason why Maur exists and why you and MC are together! That desk ruined everything that once made AMEN great! It must be destroyed!


Hey Magtok, which thread did I come in? You know, with the Spartan stuff.

I don't remember. Sometime before Casino Ratavo.

Mr. Moon
2007-06-08, 08:50 PM
"It sure doesn't sound like nothing," Saurous and his player say in unison

"No, really? I hadn't geussed."

"It is nothing! God, why don't you people trust me!" Saphire throws her arms up in the air and storms off.


The ol' desk? Wasn;t that back from before you and MC hooked up? I think she tried to crawl under there with you, prompting me to start the whole chain of events that led to Maur.

Wait...this means that your desk is the reason why Maur exists and why you and MC are together! That desk ruined everything that once made AMEN great! It must be destroyed!

"I was hiding from Ayya, damn it! She wanted to braid my hair!"

Saurous
2007-06-08, 08:55 PM
The ol' desk? Wasn;t that back from before you and MC hooked up? I think she tried to crawl under there with you, prompting me to start the whole chain of events that led to Maur.

Wait...this means that your desk is the reason why Maur exists and why you and MC are together! That desk ruined everything that once made AMEN great! It must be destroyed!

"Do you not remember anything? It was your fault that everything from that point on happened that way. If you had just shut up about that one joke, Maur never would have existed.

It was mostly your fault, because you can't shut your damned mouth."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 08:56 PM
There, it's done.
Vespe checks out his past.
Not bad, a little angsty though.
It fits though.
True, true.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 08:58 PM
"Do you not remember anything? It was your fault that everything from that point on happened that way. If you had just shut up about that one joke, Maur never would have existed.

It was mostly your fault, because you can't shut your damned mouth."




"I was hiding from Ayya, damn it! She wanted to braid my hair!"

Umm...it was Ayya's fault! Not mine! She's guilty! That pink-haired demon is the one to blame!

Saurous
2007-06-08, 09:02 PM
"Y'know, thinking back on all the events from then, I don't know if I should punch you in the face, or thank you for it.

Perhaps I could do both."

Mr. Moon
2007-06-08, 09:03 PM
Umm...it was Ayya's fault! Not mine! She's guilty! That pink-haired demon is the one to blame!

"Excuses, excuses." Moon Called smiles.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 09:13 PM
Shut up. Shouldn't you be off fighting some paladin or something? You finished your montage already.

Mr. Moon
2007-06-08, 09:16 PM
"Actualy, I haven't. Saphire hasn't finished drawing it yet, and she doesn't like Rex's version. And I really doubt I'm strong enough to take him on."

Saurous
2007-06-08, 09:18 PM
"Just like almost every other plot that involves leaving the base around here, it's probably never going to happen."

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-08, 09:19 PM
Fine, I'm going to have you do Yard Work!

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 09:31 PM
More incentive to get that #^&$ing RPG finished I guess.

Saurous
2007-06-08, 09:37 PM
"Get the stupid RPG finished, or I'll be forced to break out the painful electrical cattle prods. Is that enough incentive?"

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-08, 09:40 PM
*rushes away to work on RPG*

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 09:41 PM
"Get the stupid RPG finished, or I'll be forced to break out the painful electrical cattle prods. Is that enough incentive?"

Magtok's player suddenly appears.

Since the AMEN webcomic idea was suggested back in the first thread, I figure he's way ahead of you, and that you shouldn't be giving anyone "incentive."

Saurous
2007-06-08, 09:44 PM
"That reminds me.

Magtok, I'm going to put you in your original purple dress robe, just to break up the monotony with the colors of the characters. Is that okay with you?"

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-08, 09:52 PM
Use the Rex in my sig for Rex, and my Avatar for me.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 09:55 PM
"That reminds me.

Magtok, I'm going to put you in your original purple dress robe, just to break up the monotony with the colors of the characters. Is that okay with you?"

Go ahead. Most of the web-comic is going to take place in the past, right? The purple cloak would be more fitting, then.

Saurous
2007-06-08, 09:58 PM
"Well, actually it is going to take place in an alternate time, where we aren't all completely invincible, and there is actually a plot. It's not really going to take place far the past.

Oh, and Happiness isn't in it as much."

"Thank the gods."

"Wait, what?"

Lord Magtok
2007-06-08, 10:06 PM
"Well, actually it is going to take place in an alternate time, where we aren't all completely invincible, and there is actually a plot. It's not really going to take place far the past."

Whatever. Just do it anyway. I have more important things to worry about than my physical appearance.

A robot walks up to Magtok.

Sir, I-

-Why can't you guys take care of yourselves for five minutes without screwing something up?

Sir, there's nothing wrong. I just wanted to tell you it's THX-42's birthday. He's survived a whole year without becoming obsolete and replaced. We wanted you to come and celebrate with us.

...You guys aren't supposed to have emotions! Why the hell would you celebrate the fact that I haven't thrown out that trashy piece of garbage? Are you all mocking me for forgetting to send him to the furnace?

No sir, we-

**** you!

Magtok presses a button, and all of the partying robots are tosses into the furnace by a giant metal claw, and are melted down so that new robots can be made from their metals.

Castaras
2007-06-09, 02:14 AM
Castaras comes out of the kitchen.

If I scried right, then that means you people said Magtok could beat me, right? Unlikely. I'd probably die of old age before any of you beat me.

She sighs and sits on a sofa. A pie scuttles over, takes a few orders from Castaras, and runs out of the base.

Saurous
2007-06-09, 08:06 AM
"I never thought that Magtok would be able to kill any of us. I mean, Vespe is more likely."

Castaras
2007-06-09, 08:09 AM
Very true.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 10:50 AM
Someone say my name?

Saurous
2007-06-09, 10:54 AM
"We were just saying that you would be more likely to kill everyone than Magtok would. That isn't saying much, though."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 11:03 AM
Vespe > Magtok! Now it is confirmed by someone who hates me! Huzzah!

Saurous
2007-06-09, 11:17 AM
"You're never gonna shut up about this, are you?"

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 11:19 AM
Nope.
Vespe sets Magtoks lab on fire.

Castaras
2007-06-09, 11:56 AM
A group of wounded pies get thrown out of the kitchen. Castaras gets up, walks in, and a few seconds two dead stews get kicked out. The pies limp into the kitchen again, the portal closing.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 12:03 PM
Vespe decides to Babelize his actions.

Original Text:
Vespe pulls out an mp3 player and listens to The Beatles.

Babelized (put through about 10 languages):
The label of Vespe says to player MP3, enquiert approximately the
Beatles.

PirateMonk
2007-06-09, 12:07 PM
PM walks in, sits down, turns on the TV, and begins munching on cookies.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 12:09 PM
Original Text:
Vespe steals one of PMs cookies.

Babelized:
Vespe robs measured it of biskuit of PMs.

Castaras
2007-06-09, 12:16 PM
Castaras comes out of the portal, hmming. She sits on a sofa and listens to her mp3 player again.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 12:19 PM
Vespe pulls out a Magic 8 Ball.
Will there be a plot today?
No chance.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-09, 12:51 PM
Maybe if I can set up this computer....

Hm...

* Zap, the base's lights flicker *

PirateMonk
2007-06-09, 01:15 PM
PM sighs, and stabs Rex and the computer.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 03:02 PM
Vespe sets Magtoks lab on fire.

Vespe, go put out that fire and rebuild the lab or I'm going to tell everyone about your little 'accident' that you had back in Evil High.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 03:09 PM
Vespe, go put out that fire and rebuild the lab or I'm going to tell everyone about your little 'accident' that you had back in Evil High.

Wait, what are you talking about? Are you talking about the time that I....
*leans in and whispers something to Magtok*

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 03:11 PM
Wait, what are you talking about? Are you talking about the time that I....
*leans in and whispers something to Magtok*

Yes, that. :smallamused:

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 03:12 PM
Yes, that. :smallamused:

:eek:
$&*#(*&%($#*&%!
Vespe runs as fast as he can and extinguishes the fire.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 03:22 PM
He's not the only one I've got dirt on, either. I've been exploring the old threads, and they're a booping gold mine of stuff I can use against everybody.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 03:24 PM
Wait a minute, what is this thing you did Vespe?
It was off-camera, ok?
You can trust me, I'm your player.
No time, must rebuild Magtok's lab.
Vespe sets to work rebuilding Magtok's lab.

Saurous
2007-06-09, 03:30 PM
He's not the only one I've got dirt on, either. I've been exploring the old threads, and they're a booping gold mine of stuff I can use against everybody.

"Well then, tell us what you've found."

Saurous crosses his arms, with a slightly indignant look on his face.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 03:40 PM
"Well then, tell us what you've found."

Saurous crosses his arms, with a slightly indignant look on his face.

Most of the stuff is garbage, but this one was kinda odd.


Well, that's a good idea, PM. Come on, Maur, why don't you give Uncle Maggie a hug?

*Little Saur walks over and hugs Magtok*

Little Saur? WTF?

Saurous
2007-06-09, 03:43 PM
"I wasn't sure about Maur's name yet. Perhaps 'Saur Jr.' would have been better."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 03:51 PM
Little Saur...are you sure there isn't anyone named that in The Land Before Time or something? :smalltongue:

Saurous
2007-06-09, 03:52 PM
Magtok suddenly finds several knives stuck in his forhead, and in any organs he may still have.

"Yes, I'm sure there isn't."

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-09, 03:55 PM
Well, I'm off to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

Castaras
2007-06-09, 04:03 PM
Well, I'm off to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

You lucky bastard. I don't get to see it yet. :smallfrown:

Castaras' player turns Castaras into a pony.

Great. So you decided on that avatar.

Yup.

Yippee. :smallsigh:

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 04:05 PM
Magtok dies.

Saurous
2007-06-09, 04:16 PM
Saurous kicks Magtok's corpse, removes one of the knives from his forhead, and then uses it to remove the cyborg's robot eye.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 04:20 PM
Another Magtok walks out of the clonin' labs, and watches Saur with curiosity.

So what exactly do you need the eye for? Planning on selling it on Ebay or something? :smallconfused:

PirateMonk
2007-06-09, 04:23 PM
Another Magtok walks out of the clonign labs, and watches Saur with curiosity.

So what exactly do you need the eye for? Planning on selling it on Ebay or something? :smallconfused:

"Hm... :smallamused: " PM steals the eye and runs off.

Saurous
2007-06-09, 04:24 PM
"Y'know, just scanning it for weaknesses, and then selling it on eBay."

A very small portal appears next to Saurous, and he drops the eye into it.

A portal appears next to PM's hand, and it sucks the eye into it. The portal then closes.

"Annoying bastard."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 04:34 PM
Weaknesses? Its just a shiny red lens thingy. All it really does is let me zoom in and out, and see in the dark. Nothing really that special. They barely cost me a thing.

Saurous
2007-06-09, 04:57 PM
"Well, I guess I can sell it on eBay later, then."

Saurous sighs, and sits down on the sofa.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 05:08 PM
Magtok looks around, and sees a lot of those "offline" thingies.

Hmm...things are a little too quiet. I should do something stupid and ludicrous to get this thread moving again. I know! I'll go back in time to when Saur was born, and slap Saur's mother for giving birth to something so ugly!

Magtok jumps through a time portal, and does exactly that.

Saurous
2007-06-09, 05:13 PM
Of course, as Magtok does this, he meets Saurous's father, who happens to be an epic-level Monk, and he proceeds to beat the crap out of Magtok.

Oh, and after the beating, Saurous drags Magtok back into the current time.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 05:17 PM
Of course, as Magtok does this, he meets Saurous's father, who happens to be an epic-level Monk, and he proceeds to beat the crap out of Magtok.

Oh, and after the beating, Saurous drags Magtok back into the current time.

Magtok falls to the ground, and climbs to his feet, a bloody mess.

Oh fub! He knobbed oub mah teef! And mah eye isn't subbosed tah be dangling like thab!

Saurous
2007-06-09, 05:22 PM
Saurous grins.

"I see you met dear old Dad."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 05:26 PM
FUBB YOU, nebbophilliack!

Saurous
2007-06-09, 05:42 PM
Saurous raises a hand to cast something on Magtok, but instead jumps forward, and lands a punch to Magtok's face.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 05:49 PM
Magtok reels backwards after the punch connects, and then he downs a few health potions until he is fine again.

Okay I've had enough. Lets just watch a movie or something.

Saurous
2007-06-09, 05:56 PM
"Whatever."

Saurous begins to walk off, and then raises a hand. A spectral hand comes out of his hand, and it then punches Magtok across the face.

"Okay, now we can watch a movie."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 06:00 PM
Woo...look at all the birdies circling my head...

Saurous
2007-06-09, 06:05 PM
Saurous sighs, and the spectral hand lifts Magtok off the floor and tosses him across the room.

"It's just too easy to beat the crap out of Magtok now."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 06:05 PM
Vespe puts on all three Pirates movies.
Yes, even At Worlds End.
Vespe downloaded it from teh intarwebs.
What do you expect?
He's evil.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-09, 06:06 PM
It's only fitting to watch a pirate movie that was pirated from the movies!

Yar-Har!

Saurous
2007-06-09, 06:07 PM
A pirate bandana and an eye patch suddenly materialize on Saurous.

"This isn't funny."

"Yes it is."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 06:17 PM
Magtok's right arm is suddenly ripped off replaced with a hook, and his left foot is twisted off and becomes a wooden peg.

Oh gods, that hurt! Why the **** couldn't you just handwave the hook and peg into existence without hurting me?

If I did that, it wouldn't be interesting, right?

**** you.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 06:22 PM
Hey Vespe, time to get your pirate stuff... Carlos grins as he holds up a chainsaw.
Nope. I'm already a pirate.
You are?
You wrote my backstory.
No...that's your Town self.
Oh [email protected]&*#$.
Vespe is mutilated, and when it's done he has a nifty hat, a nifty eyepatch, a nifty pegleg, a nifty hook, and a nifty parrot.
Why is all my stuff "nifty?"
Because I like that word.

Saurous
2007-06-09, 06:23 PM
Saurous sits down on the couch again, and watches the movie.

"Come on, say it."

"No."

"Say it."

"No."

"SAY IT."

"Fine.

Yar-har."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 06:36 PM
Hmm...how about-

-No.

What if I-

I already said no.

I'll handwave away the next threat on your life if you do it.

*sigh* Fine.

Magtok drinks several dozen mugs of rum, and then wanders around AMEN doing idiotic things no sober person would ever be foolish enough to do, like hit on Castaras, hug Rex, and say "I loveshh you guysshh" several times as he stumbles around the room.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 06:37 PM
Magtok drinks several dozen mugs of rum, and then wanders around AMEN doing idiotic things no sober person would ever be foolish enough to do, like hit on Castaras, hug Rex, and say "I loveshh you guysshh" several times as he stumbles around the room.

Your logic is questionable. But then again, do you count me as sober? :smallconfused:

Saurous
2007-06-09, 06:38 PM
"Oh, I have a better idea!"

"What are you talking ab- NO!

"Yes."

Saurous opens his mouth to say something, but this is obviously against his will.

"But why's all the rum gone?

DAMN YOU!"

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 06:44 PM
Your logic is questionable. But then again, do you count me as sober? :smallconfused:

I dunnoshh, sshhould I? I didn't shhheee you drinkin' but I don't really pay musshh attention.

At this point, Magtok vomits all over Vespe.

Shorry. :smallredface:

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-09, 06:45 PM
I dunnoshh, sshhould I? I didn't shhheee you drinkin' but I don't really pay musshh attention.

At this point, Magtok vomits all over Vespe.

Shorry. :smallredface:

Carlos handwaves the vomit away.
Vespe grabs Carlos' chainsaw.
I'd start running now if I were you.

Saurous
2007-06-09, 06:48 PM
I dunnoshh, sshhould I? I didn't shhheee you drinkin' but I don't really pay musshh attention.

At this point, Magtok vomits all over Vespe.

Shorry. :smallredface:

Saurous burst out laughing.
Then a bottle of rum suddenly pours itself down his throat. He immediately spits the liquid back out, making audible gagging noises.

"Ugh! Humans actually drink this crap? Idiots and their alcoholic addictions."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-09, 06:57 PM
Whah you gonna do wit dat? And ah can't run, the world ish spinning to fast. Ah can barely shand straight.

Magtok staggers away from Vespe, and decides to take a nap in the corner. As he begins to doze off, another Magtok clone cloaked in a black ninja suit sneaks up on his player, and then knifes the bastarad in the back of the head. The ninja Magtok disappears as soon as his player hits the floor, and leaves no trace of his being there, except the knife and the dead player.

Saurous
2007-06-09, 07:01 PM
The rum bottle floats towards Saurous again, but he grabs it, and smashes it against the sleeping Magtok's head.

"That is it! I can't stand this madness anymore! Good day, sirs!"

Saurous takes off his eyepatch, and then leaves the room.