View Full Version : D&D 5e/Next Humorous Magical and Alchemical Items. [PEACH]

2016-01-12, 08:18 PM
I sent these in to "The Adventure Zone" last spring but it looks like Griffin opted not to use them so now I seek feedback in refining them for use in my own campaigns in the future:

Prongs of the Bantling Blessing

This head-dress has been deviously crafted by deft drowish digits in the depths of the underdark with the tiny opalescent horns of an entire blessing of innocent newborn unicorns and stained in their silver blood.

The wearer of this glittering head-dress finds themselves infused with the sacred powers of the slain creatures. A subtle scent of sea breezes, sunshine and wildflowers wafts in the air around them, granting them a passive +1 to their Charisma bonus. Anyone wearing this item when they encounter a unicorn will most certainly need that bonus.

After each long rest, this head-dress grants any who wear it the ability to add one d6 to any one failed saving throw or attack in an attempt to amend the result.
Once per moon, a good or neutral-aligned bearer of this head-dress can transform itself (and up to three willing creatures it can see within 10 feet) into a majestic unicorn for up to 2 hours*. They retain their physical and mental attributes, hit points, and all magical abilities and spells they are capable of using in this form. Armor, weapons and equipment disappear into their glossy coat and supple new unicorn flesh but offer no benefits.
The unicorn form grants the affected creatures all the immunities, abilities and actions of the Unicorn as seen in the Monster Manual (pg 294) apart from Innate Spellcasting, Healing Touch, Teleport and all Legendary Actions.

*Any creature remaining in this form longer than 2 hours will find itself unable to transform back of their own free will. Prolonged time in this form will slowly see the creature’s own mind replaced with that of their new body and they will eventually seek out the natural role of a Unicorn, abandoning whatever life they had before.

Brilliant Belt of Bilking

By drawing the eye of any non-hostile creature to the overlarge and ornate “Riverlands County Fair Roc Rodeo Champion 1994” belt buckle resting above their snugly denim-clad bulge, the clear baddest of asses wearing the Brilliant Belt of Bilking are able to briefly cause anyone they are haggling or negotiating with to suffer disadvantage when resisting any attempt to persuade them. The target must be sentient and able to see the belt. Once the immediate social interaction between the bearer and their target ends, the effect is broken and the target can not be affected by the belt again until it has had a fresh polish during a long rest with a handkerchief soaked in the finest of bottom-shelf bourbons.

The belt also gives the bearer a passive advantage to any athletics or grapple checks involving the riding or wrangling of unwilling creatures or magical beasts.

Immedia-beard by Ronco

This questionably-crawly paste will sprout long wiry hair on any flesh it is applied to. The hair matches that of the creature on which it grows but will smell potently of queso fresco and cilantro.

Immedia-beard by Ronco is incredibly flammable and potentially (definitely) toxic. Exposure to flame will cause the container to explode and deal 1d8 fire damage to all creatures in a 30 foot radius for each remaining charge*. Creatures that succeed against a dexterity saving throw of 14 take half damage. All effected creatures immediately sprout hair from any exposed skin. Application of Immedia-beard by Ronco to open wounds (or those caused by a bladed or piercing weapon on which the paste has been recently applied) causes 1d4 damage.

If you accidentally ingest Immedia-beard by Ronco, please contact your local poison control and inform them that you’ve “done ****ed up” as hair fills your mouth and throat and digestive system and you slowly suffocate to death on rapidly growing hair.

*Each container of Immedia-Beard by Ronco comes with enough paste for 8 uses, which last until the target takes a long rest.

The Telltale Turban

This stylish head-wrap can be activated to greatly enhance the perceived volume of nearby hearts' rhythmic beating and their approximate location, giving the wearer advantage when rolling perception to identify the presence of hidden, camouflaged or invisible creatures and doubling their proficiency bonus on all sound-based perception rolls. The wearer also becomes astutely aware of the sound of hair and fingernails growing, stomachs churning and other such biological background noise. Have you ever heard the sound of blood rushing to fill a lusty half-orc's corpus cavernosum? Would you like to?

The Single Sodden Sock of Storage

What appears to be a single threadbare argyle sock is in fact a disguised portal to a pocket dimension created by an enterprising young wizard; almost certainly as a place to hide his weed if the dank smells wafting from it are to be trusted. The inside of the sock seems to expand to fit any single item placed inside of it that can comfortably make it through through the opening. Attempting to place a second item (other than a hand or foot, alive and attached) into the occupied sock causes one of the items to be lost in whatever netherworld the inside is linked to.

Kenny G's Breathless Tea

This herbal tea is the perfect hot beverage for any occasion, as long as the occasion calls for you to not need to breathe or show any signs of life for the next hour or so. Each tin comes with enough lavender and bergamot-scented tea to make 4 servings. The creature that consumes this brew loses the need (or ability) to breathe (or speak) for an hour and all of their usual signs of vitality become imperceptible to all but the keenest of eyes and ears. The effects can be reversed if the contents are removed from the creature's stomach before their effects have ceased normally. Taking less than the full dose of the tea will result only in the creature's labored attempts to breathe or speak sounding remarkably like an assortment of woodwind instruments.

Dependably Undependable Door Knocker

This wrought-iron door knocker can be attached to and open any locked door once per day, but only works about 5% of the time. The user must roll a natural 20 to successfully activate the knocker. Can only be attempted once per day on any given door. If successful, or if the roll is 1, it can not be used on any other doors until after a long rest.

Fezzywig's Fizzy Lifting Drink

It looks and tastes like cheap champagne, but this bottle of Fizzy Lifting Drink can be poured in or on any creature or item to make it lighter than air for up to 15 minutes. The contents of the bottle can be applied to multiple creatures and items, but completely loses its potency 15 minutes after opening, after which the taste can at best be compared unfavorably to a flat Bud Light Lime.

Astroslide Arcanic Lubricant

This small bottle of extremely potent lubricant can be applied to just about anything or anyone to remove all friction between it and any other object for one hour. Creatures attempting to grasp an item under the effect of Astroslide, or move over terrain on which it has been applied, must make a successful dexterity check of 18 every turn. Failure results in dropping the item or falling prone. When applied to a creature's flesh the Arcanic Lubricant creates a pleasantly warm and tingling sensation and grants the creature +4 to natural AC as fists and blades alike slide and glance off their slippery bare skin. Each bottle of Astroslide contains enough lubricant for 10 uses.

Cape and Cowl of Vigilante Vengeance

This stylish cape and cowl pairing gives the wearer advantage to attacks against one enemy which has dealt damage to them or their party in the previous round. When worn, it also provides a passive +4 to intimidation checks and makes them look kinda like Batman.