help fine-tune my plot, please?

[deathbymanga]

so, I my campaign is set in a futuristic setting and the players are currently on a Fire Genasi planet that has it's entire trade borders sealed by a band of pirates, stopping any ships from entering the planet. The players have been given a month by the Captain to go and kidnap the princess of the planet to force the king to allow him to marry her, thus becoming his legitimate successor and ruling the planet himself.

The players have what is effectively a thermonuclear bomb that they plan to strap to a ship and fly it into the dreadnaught of the pirate's fleet. They are spending the time they have trying to build a remote reciever capable of making the pirates think they are delivering the princess to them so they won't blow the ship up until it gets to the dreadnaught.

Now, I plan on having a secret Lolth worshiper use Dominate on the Princess and put her on board the ship so that she'll die in the explosion as well and then she'll kill the king and usurp his thrown herself.

The players will find out that the princess is on the ship, be forced to try and board it, then take control of the ship back, and be forced to deactivate the bomb so as to not kill themselves and actually pretend to deliver the princess to the pirates. After they deal with the pirates, I want the Lolth worshiper to reveal herself, but here's where I'm confused.

I want the Priestess to somehow be a legitimate threat, enough that it forces the Players to escape with the Pirate Captain (if they don't kill him) and be forced to take the Princess to the United Federation to seek help in stopping the Priestess.

However, I'm not confused on HOW the Priestess is a threat to a fleet of Space Pirates who've been able to successful block any and all trade to the planet. I fear I may have made the pirates too competent to make the Priestess any kind of a legit threat. How do I fix this?

[Kane0]

Why are parts of this reminding me so much of Star Wars Episode I?

Regardless, your player's actions will invariably determine the next stage of the plot. Part of having a good villain is having a solid plan for them and having them react to problems that arise with that plan, making judgements as things happen and correcting their plot as required. Otherwise you end up with an inflexible plot or worse yet, railroading. You have a good story and workable NPCs with motives here, see how your players act within it and simply have your world react accordingly.

As for the priestess specifically, perhaps her power is all political or financial, a kind of power that does absolutely nothing against the pirates but allows her considerable leverage on her world. Even more specifically perhaps her power only covers inhabitants of the planet, or a particular theme that space-faring pirates are not a part of.

[deathbymanga]

Why are parts of this reminding me so much of Star Wars Episode I?

Regardless, your player's actions will invariably determine the next stage of the plot. Part of having a good villain is having a solid plan for them and having them react to problems that arise with that plan, making judgements as things happen and correcting their plot as required. Otherwise you end up with an inflexible plot or worse yet, railroading. You have a good story and workable NPCs with motives here, see how your players act within it and simply have your world react accordingly.

heheh, that's because Phantom Menace is a huge inspiration for this. I love space politics.

Hmm, maybe I'll have the king get antsy and try to attack the Pirates ahead of time, but his ships get captured, only in reality the Lolth Priestess pushed the King to do it and the crewmen that were captured were secretly her minions, who take over the ships from within. When the Players defeat the Dreadnaught and the Captain, they find his entire fleet used against him.

Heheh, looks like i didn't really need this forum :P

on another note, got a better name for my galactic capital than "United Federation"? I'm terrible with names

[Kane0]

The Federated Commonwealth?

[deathbymanga]

The Federated Commonwealth?

that's a bit too European isn't it? Whenever I hear Commonwealth I think of stuff like the French Revolution and other Proletariat movements

[WMO?]

on another note, got a better name for my galactic capital than "United Federation"? I'm terrible with names

What kind of planet is it?

Is it the homeworld of (or socio-politico-economo-cultural center of) one of the galaxy's races, that grew into the galactic capital because they are the main political power? Is it a world that started as the standard fantasy world with many intelligent beings and everyone came from there? Is it a thinly veiled Coruscant/Trantor, or a proxy Earth, or an Arrakis?

What was the environment like when it was settled? (e.g. the elves settled it come from an arid planet. This planet was oceanic, with lots of small islands, so they named it Heaven, in Elvish, obviously, but it was translated into Galactic Common by now)

When it was named, where was it relative to the center of its settler's society? (e.g. a planet that was initially so distant from 'civilization' when settled that the settlers called it "Star's End", name stuck even though it's now in the most densely populated part of space)

What is the star system like? (e.g. lots of populated planets, so this one is called Rigel 14-c)

Is it even a planet? Maybe it's a moon, [or no moon, that's a space station] orbiting a gas giant, or a bunch of interconnected asteroids, or a giant spaceship (or caravan of spaceships), or a Ringworld by Larry Niven, or a comet!

Do you like homages?

What do you want your players to think when they first hear its name?
Do you think the players (or the citizenry, long before your players were born) might nickname it, if you give it a particular name? What would they call it?

[deathbymanga]

What kind of planet is it?

Is it the homeworld of (or socio-politico-economo-cultural center of) one of the galaxy's races, that grew into the galactic capital because they are the main political power? Is it a world that started as the standard fantasy world with many intelligent beings and everyone came from there? Is it a thinly veiled Coruscant/Trantor, or a proxy Earth, or an Arrakis?

What was the environment like when it was settled? (e.g. the elves settled it come from an arid planet. This planet was oceanic, with lots of small islands, so they named it Heaven, in Elvish, obviously, but it was translated into Galactic Common by now)

When it was named, where was it relative to the center of its settler's society? (e.g. a planet that was initially so distant from 'civilization' when settled that the settlers called it "Star's End", name stuck even though it's now in the most densely populated part of space)

What is the star system like? (e.g. lots of populated planets, so this one is called Rigel 14-c)

Is it even a planet? Maybe it's a moon, [or no moon, that's a space station] orbiting a gas giant, or a bunch of interconnected asteroids, or a giant spaceship (or caravan of spaceships), or a Ringworld by Larry Niven, or a comet!

Do you like homages?

What do you want your players to think when they first hear its name?
Do you think the players (or the citizenry, long before your players were born) might nickname it, if you give it a particular name? What would they call it?

the United Federation home base is situated as a giant planet sized Citadel, like the star wars death star or the mass effect citadel. it was built in response to the humans and sun elves forming an alliance in order to end the elven/orcish wars. the dwarfs quickly threw their lot in during the engineering of the citadel, with gnomes, halfling and the like not bothering to join until it was necessary.

The Citadel in question was built in a sorta ambient zone where no surrounding stars had a gravitational hold, and a powerful enough gravity well was built to keep it there. this way the Citadel would stay in the center of the Federation, and not drift lightyears away depending on the time of year of star.

I love Homages, but ones that make sense in the context.

I dunno what I want them to think of when they hear it. and the players haven't nicknamed it anything yet (mostly because they've never been there in-game yet)

[WMO?]

Beacon: because it's construction was a symbol of hope to the beleaguered elven people

Citadel: because...

Fixpoint Station: because whoever named it was super literal

Hub (or Spoke): because it remains in place, while the United Federation swirls about its central location

Convergence: because it brings people together

Pact (or Concord, or Unity, or Cooperation): because it is the physical edifice of the agreement to start the UF

Kinship: because it represents the interconnectedness and interrelatedness of all sentient beings [except orcs]

Dyson: because of the science/sci-fi idea of structures built to surround a star to collect all of the star's energy

Venn: because of the diagram that is an intersection between two circles to show similarities and differences



Any name that sounds elvish, with a meaning like something above.

[Madeiner]

Well CLEARLY the priestess NEEDS to have a lightsaber for this to work.

[Douche]

Have the planet have an effective anti-air defense, but not much of a fleet (perhaps it was recently destroyed/sent away by/to a war with a neighboring planet, which is what attracted the opportunistic pirates in the first place)

Therefore, the pirates can blockade the planet because they don't have to fear ships attacking from the planet, but they can't actually approach or siege the planet because they'd be vaporized by their planetary lasers n such.

Planet has strong defense, weak offense.

As for the priestess herself... did she dominate the king while the players were off rescuing the princess? I'm assuming that to be the case, or else the players could just bring the princess back to the king. In that case, how will the players know it's dangerous to bring the princess back down to the planet? If you ask me, the king (with the priestess by his side) should call them via giant screen like in star trek and threaten them. That'd be a pretty cool scene.

[deathbymanga]

Well CLEARLY the priestess NEEDS to have a lightsaber for this to work.

Of course :P can't have a space adventure without lightsabers


Have the planet have an effective anti-air defense, but not much of a fleet (perhaps it was recently destroyed/sent away by/to a war with a neighboring planet, which is what attracted the opportunistic pirates in the first place)

Therefore, the pirates can blockade the planet because they don't have to fear ships attacking from the planet, but they can't actually approach or siege the planet because they'd be vaporized by their planetary lasers n such.

Planet has strong defense, weak offense.

As for the priestess herself... did she dominate the king while the players were off rescuing the princess? I'm assuming that to be the case, or else the players could just bring the princess back to the king. In that case, how will the players know it's dangerous to bring the princess back down to the planet? If you ask me, the king (with the priestess by his side) should call them via giant screen like in star trek and threaten them. That'd be a pretty cool scene.

To make the priestess especially creepy and terrifying, I'm imagining her implanting these spiders into her victim's backs, which deliver a constant poison into their victim's spinal cord, allowing for a direct-link domination, and when the king is brought up on the monitor, he's being controlled with spider-silk puppet strings coming from his body, moving his body while he sits there with a dead-eyed look on his face.


Beacon: because it's construction was a symbol of hope to the beleaguered elven people

Citadel: because...

Fixpoint Station: because whoever named it was super literal

Hub (or Spoke): because it remains in place, while the United Federation swirls about its central location

Convergence: because it brings people together

Pact (or Concord, or Unity, or Cooperation): because it is the physical edifice of the agreement to start the UF

Kinship: because it represents the interconnectedness and interrelatedness of all sentient beings [except orcs]

Dyson: because of the science/sci-fi idea of structures built to surround a star to collect all of the star's energy

Venn: because of the diagram that is an intersection between two circles to show similarities and differences



Any name that sounds elvish, with a meaning like something above.

I actually like, Venn, thanks.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

that's a bit too European isn't it? Whenever I hear Commonwealth I think of stuff like the French Revolution and other Proletariat movements

Umm... Why? There's a little historical association with Republicanism, but the main use of Commonwealth is either British (the Commonwealth of Nations i.e. what used to be the British Empire) or American (several US states such as Virginia are referred to constitutionally as Commonwealths). It has absolutely nothing to do with the French Revolution, or indeed France at all. I guess there's also the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, but I'm guessing nobody but me was thinking of that.

...And why would it being European be a problem? Not every Human Scifi Nation has to be the United States IN SPACE (tm).

[deathbymanga]

Umm... Why? There's a little historical association with Republicanism, but the main use of Commonwealth is either British (the Commonwealth of Nations i.e. what used to be the British Empire) or American (several US states such as Virginia are referred to constitutionally as Commonwealths). It has absolutely nothing to do with the French Revolution, or indeed France at all. I guess there's also the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, but I'm guessing nobody but me was thinking of that.

...And why would it being European be a problem? Not every Human Scifi Nation has to be the United States IN SPACE (tm).

I don't want to make my players think of Europe or America when they hear the name of an organization. They should be thinking of my settin

[Vogonjeltz]

Ok, it looks like you've resolved this, but I spent some time writing up a suggestion, so I'm posting it anyway in case there's anything you'd like to crib. :p


I want the Priestess to somehow be a legitimate threat, enough that it forces the Players to escape with the Pirate Captain (if they don't kill him) and be forced to take the Princess to the United Federation to seek help in stopping the Priestess.

However, I'm not confused on HOW the Priestess is a threat to a fleet of Space Pirates who've been able to successful block any and all trade to the planet. I fear I may have made the pirates too competent to make the Priestess any kind of a legit threat. How do I fix this?

Here's a twist:

The reason the priestess has been so far unable to threaten the space pirates is simply because she had no plausible way to get any of her forces onto their ships (the planet having an inferior fleet incapable of simply dispersing the pirates should be evidence enough of this)

Instead the priestess has allies, shapechangers and wizards. Delivery of the princess is the perfect opportunity to infiltrate the pirate fleet's largest and most powerful ship (the dreadnought).

The Wizards have shrouded themselves in magic (Nondetection, Invisibility) to stow away on the ship, and upon arrival in the Dreadnought seek out a quiet room (a cargo hold?) to begin opening up Teleportation Circles allowing shapechangers and other forces of the priestess on board.

Upon arrival the shapechangers begin luring pirate crew into ambushes whereupon they replace them to lure more crew, until the entire ships complement has been replaced. From there, they use shuttles or whatever to access the other ships and replace the crew there such that the pirate fleet is slowly taken over from within. That's the plan anyway.

The players might notice something is askew, or are present for the point where a pirate manages to sound the alarm and a climactic battle ensues on the ship (probably in the presence of the Pirate Captain). The captain, seeing his men are being overwhelmed orders a general retreat to whatever means of escape there is, and seeing that the players are not shapeshifters, convinces them to join him (or vice versa)

In the confusion the Dreadnought opens fire on other ships in the fleet (or, again, vice versa) which proceeds to mostly demolish itself. However, it is too late. The Shapechangers have successfully infiltrated the majority of the fleet, and are able to force surrender or destroy the opposition which remains.

Our heroes, the captain (and the princess?) escape unnoticed via some emergency magic/cloaked escape ship that the Captain has had stowed away for just this kind of serious emergency/in the event of a mutiny.

Having been brought low this sequence of events would allow a heel-face-turn on the part of the Pirate Captain, who, having met the Princess discovers he (and she having met him) has a genuine interest in each other. Ala Mel Brook's Spaceballs, the Motion picture, perhaps it is determined down the line that the Pirate Captain is "genuine space royalty" or some such, having been separated from his parents as a baby.

[Kane0]

I don't want to make my players think of Europe or America when they hear the name of an organization. They should be thinking of my settin

Actually it was a reference to battletech

[deathbymanga]

Ok, it looks like you've resolved this, but I spent some time writing up a suggestion, so I'm posting it anyway in case there's anything you'd like to crib. :p



Here's a twist:

The reason the priestess has been so far unable to threaten the space pirates is simply because she had no plausible way to get any of her forces onto their ships (the planet having an inferior fleet incapable of simply dispersing the pirates should be evidence enough of this)

Instead the priestess has allies, shapechangers and wizards. Delivery of the princess is the perfect opportunity to infiltrate the pirate fleet's largest and most powerful ship (the dreadnought).

The Wizards have shrouded themselves in magic (Nondetection, Invisibility) to stow away on the ship, and upon arrival in the Dreadnought seek out a quiet room (a cargo hold?) to begin opening up Teleportation Circles allowing shapechangers and other forces of the priestess on board.

Upon arrival the shapechangers begin luring pirate crew into ambushes whereupon they replace them to lure more crew, until the entire ships complement has been replaced. From there, they use shuttles or whatever to access the other ships and replace the crew there such that the pirate fleet is slowly taken over from within. That's the plan anyway.

The players might notice something is askew, or are present for the point where a pirate manages to sound the alarm and a climactic battle ensues on the ship (probably in the presence of the Pirate Captain). The captain, seeing his men are being overwhelmed orders a general retreat to whatever means of escape there is, and seeing that the players are not shapeshifters, convinces them to join him (or vice versa)

In the confusion the Dreadnought opens fire on other ships in the fleet (or, again, vice versa) which proceeds to mostly demolish itself. However, it is too late. The Shapechangers have successfully infiltrated the majority of the fleet, and are able to force surrender or destroy the opposition which remains.

Our heroes, the captain (and the princess?) escape unnoticed via some emergency magic/cloaked escape ship that the Captain has had stowed away for just this kind of serious emergency/in the event of a mutiny.

Having been brought low this sequence of events would allow a heel-face-turn on the part of the Pirate Captain, who, having met the Princess discovers he (and she having met him) has a genuine interest in each other. Ala Mel Brook's Spaceballs, the Motion picture, perhaps it is determined down the line that the Pirate Captain is "genuine space royalty" or some such, having been separated from his parents as a baby.

heheh, it seems we had very similar ideas for the plot as I did. thanks anyway

regarding the space royalty, I doubt it considering the pirates are blue dragonborn