Authoring Advice

[Salasay]

So I started writing a book a little under a year ago, based in my Paramyth Campaign Setting (link (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?385265-Paramyth-Campaign-Setting-PEACH)).
I've noticed that when I re-read an old scene, I can't really "see" it in my head like I can in a published book. I feel like it's because I already kind of know what's supposed to happen in the scene, but I just wanted to know if anyone knew if that kind of thing was normal, or had any advice to improve it.
I am also having issues showing what my characters are thinking/feeling, and other cerebral stuff. I can show action fine, but the internal stuff i cant seem to nail down. Does anyone have any advice on this?

[Grinner]

It would be helpful if you posted an example.

That said, the most basic rule of imagery is "Show, don't tell.". However, that's a little vague in my opinion, so I normally rephrase it as "Verbs speak louder than adjectives". That is, focus on expressing exactly what's happening with just the right verb. Moreover, don't tell the reader about a character; show who he is through what he does.

[Salasay]

It would be helpful if you posted an example.

That said, the most basic rule of imagery is "Show, don't tell.". However, that's a little vague in my opinion, so I normally rephrase it as "Verbs speak louder than adjectives". That is, focus on expressing exactly what's happening with just the right verb. Moreover, don't tell the reader about a character; show who he is through what he does.

Okay, here's part of the first scene in the first chapter. There is a prologue, but it shows characters that never really show up again.


“Are you sure he’s not here?”
“Yes, he always leaves for the Market in early Vachuary. He shouldn’t be back for another two weeks.”
“But if he catches us, he’ll kill us! I don’t think this is a good idea.”
Kae Kyano scoffed at the child crouched next to him in the underbrush. Relit Braun was small and thin, with little mass to him. His chestnut brown hair was unkempt, and had not been cropped in months. Kae had known him since the boy had been 5 years old, and had taken him under his wing. In the six years since, he had begun teaching Relit survival skills and magic, as well as helping him when his father took ill. Relit had had to be taught to scrounge for food and, most importantly, get over his ridged morals. Fortunately, the boy had already learned to grow and harvest the corn by himself, even if he was too young to legally own the farmhouse.
“I already told you this back on the trail here; if we don’t go through with this and get Jakob some food soon, he probably won’t last the week. Your father is sick, and needs food and energy to fight it. There’s food in that house, and no one is going to miss it. Hell, Brian wont even notice there’s bread missing, he’s got so much. You just need a few loaves to tide y’all over until harvest.”
“Yeah, but…”
Relit knew his friend was correct, but he was certain what they were about to do was immoral. His father would not have approved of burglary, even to save his own life. But if Jakob died… Relit didn’t know if he could last for a month without his father. The farm would be taken by bandits or the Shogun, and then there was no way he could survive.
“But what? We need food, he has food he doesn’t need, what’s the harm?”
“Yeah, but… well… fine. But if Brian comes back, you are talking to him.”
“Yeah, ‘cause we all know how well liked we fiendkin are.”
Kae rose, removed his shallow straw hat, and ran his fingers through his hair. While the hat would get in the way in a serious chase or fight, his bright turquoise hair, which shone as though with ice, would reveal him and his heritage from a mile away without it. The constant scent of garlic and sulfur didn’t help, but they were less debilitating to his stealth.
“Alright, before we start this, you need a test. Let me see your mind-blade," Kae said as he pulled a smooth jade crystal out of his bag. It was five inches long and half an inch wide, with one face flat and the other curved.
“Really? We just did this yesterday!”
“And yesterday you were a day worse. Let me see it.”
“Fine,” Relit said as he gathered his focus. Staring into the crystal Kae had taken out of his bag, Relit extended his right hand, palm up, and whispered “Machairi”. After a moment of focus, a faint sapphire mist gathered around his hand, and began to concentrate around his palm. He began to sweat and tremble at the effort, but managed to condense the mist into a ball in his palm. The side facing his thumb began to extrude, first in a thin line and then a steep cone. Before the extrusion reached three inches, however, Relit let out a gasp and collapsed, the mist dissipating. He sucked in air for a minute before accepting the proffered water-skin from Kae.
“Better. At least you managed to start forming the blade. Remember, a month ago all you could do was make a puff of fog. Try visualizing the crystal in the color of your own magic next time, that may help. We still have a job to do, so catch your breath and we’ll be about it.”


I knew the whole 'say darted, not ran quickly, say lunged, not stabbed quickly' thing.

[Toastkart]

You might get better results having this moved to the arts and crafts subforum.

As for your specific problem, it's not an easy one to solve. Show, don't tell will only get you so far. I read a lot, and what I see is a lot of telling what emotions the characters are feeling. Or worse, being told how confused they are about their emotions.

Emotions and motivations should be described through actions and body language as much as possible. They should be conveyed through tone of voice, and in some cases word choice, in dialogue.

As for your sample, while I do see a lot of things that could be fixed, I'm not really seeing any problems with conveying what they're thinking or feeling. At least at this stage. Not every sentence has to examine or show what a character is thinking/feeling. It is really easy to overdo it and bloat your writing, taking away from pacing and impact when you want that sort of thing to really matter.

[Salasay]

As for your sample, while I do see a lot of things that could be fixed, I'm not really seeing any problems with conveying what they're thinking or feeling. At least at this stage. Not every sentence has to examine or show what a character is thinking/feeling. It is really easy to overdo it and bloat your writing, taking away from pacing and impact when you want that sort of thing to really matter.

So what kind of stuff could be fixed?

And how could I have it moved?

[Grinner]

The characterization is grating, but I'd say your particular concern lies in wordflow, not imagery. There's so many extraneous words. It's quite distracting.

Let's take a few examples:


Relit Braun was small and thin, with little mass to him.
Relit Braun was small and thin.
Redundant


Your father is sick, and needs food to fight it. There’s food in that house, and no one is going to miss it. Hell, Brian wont even notice there’s bread missing, he’s got so much.
Your father is sick, and needs food to fight it. Hell, Brian wont even notice there’s bread missing, he’s got so much.
Redundant


Relit knew his friend was correct, but he was certain what they were about to do was immoral.
Relit knew Kae was correct, but he was certain that this was immoral.
Just get to the point.



Maybe the forum software ignored your word processor's formatting, but some spacing between paragraphs as well as indenting would make the text a lot more readable.

Also, I think you were looking for the word "rigid", not "ridged".

[Salasay]

The characterization is grating, but I'd say your particular concern lies in wordflow, not imagery. There's so many extraneous words. It's quite distracting.

...

Maybe the forum software ignored your word processor's formatting, but some spacing between paragraphs as well as indenting would make the text a lot more readable.

Also, I think you were looking for the word "rigid", not "ridged".

Yes, the formatting didn't copy over.

What do you mean by the characterization is grating? just too steryotyped or something?

[Grinner]

What do you mean by the characterization is grating? just too steryotyped or something?

As Toastkart pointed out, you're telling us what they think and feel. You should be showing us what they think and feel.


Emotions and motivations should be described through actions and body language as much as possible. They should be conveyed through tone of voice, and in some cases word choice, in dialogue.

I'm also questioning Kae's motivations and methods and wondering where the actual adults are, but this sample is a bit short to show that.

[Mx.Silver]

The thing I tend to point most aspiring SF writers towards first is The Turkey City Lexicon (http://www.sfwa.org/2009/06/turkey-city-lexicon-a-primer-for-sf-workshops/). It's got a lot of good rules of thumb, which have come from SF writing workshops, presented in an easily accessible way.


I am also having issues showing what my characters are thinking/feeling, and other cerebral stuff. I can show action fine, but the internal stuff I cant seem to nail down. Does anyone have any advice on this?
This is something that'll improve with practice.
First, decide on a viewpoint character for the scene you're writing, then write from their perspective. Work-out what they'd be feeling, what their attention would be on, what direction their thoughts would be travelling and what they'd do as a result of this. If it's easier for you, try it as a role-playing exercise.

I'm not saying you have to write every single scene in this manner, nor that you can't devote text to information that the character isn't presently thinking about, but by doing this it will make it easier for you to get into the habit of presenting things from a character's perspective.

I'm not going to waste time going over what you've written yet, as I suspect it's going to end-up rather different once you've put it through the re-writing process a few times. Plus the request is for general advice and not specific criticism and commentary :smallwink:

[Red Fel]

I'd like to chip in here as well.

With respect to wordflow - what Grinner mentioned - there's a way to deal with that. Leave things to the imagination.

When you're narrating an RPG session, descriptions help. "The tunnel is dark, with dangling cobwebs and the echoing drips of water in the distance." "Her face was worn, lined with worry and toil, her eyes cold and analytical." Language like that can help paint a picture in theater of the mind, but in a novel, excessive description is almost as bad as little description.

Think of it this way - tight wordflow means that every word serves a purpose. Instead of giving us a laundry list of adjectives, slip them into verb usage. For instance, compare:

"Her hair was long and unkempt, and the color of a red sunset."

With:

"She brushed a long strand of red hair out of her face as she spoke."

The former sits there, like a roadblock, in the middle of your narrative. The latter, while not necessarily as pretty, serves a function - it lends action to the character's speech, while still communicating the details (long, red hair).

Speaking of speech, there's another thing that jarred me. Lines of dialogue. Somebody says something. Somebody else responds. I don't know who, I don't know why. It's jarring. I'm not saying that every line has to be "I think X," said Bob. "I disagree," said Jim. But wandering through back-and-forth quotations without context can be disorienting until I've learned to associate a style of speech with a particular character. That kind of dialogue should be an exception, not a rule. From this excerpt, I don't know enough about the characters to recognize their speech styles. Let me offer you an illustration.


"I can't let you do this."

A smirk. "You can't? How cute. And who is going to stop me? You?"

Her muscles tense. "If... If I have to."

A mocking gasp. "So determined! So intimidating! Truly, this is the ferocity of the noblest of heroes!"

The smirk returns. "I'll be taking my leave now. Do what you wish."
You notice how each of the characters - although I don't name them - has a distinctive voice. The villain, sarcastic and mocking, and the heroine, strong but uncertain. You notice how I manage to have the same character speak twice in a row, yet you can still tell it's the same character. That's what it means to create a unique voice. And you need that if you're going to have dialogue without context.

Which leads us into characterization, as Grinner mentioned. For me, characterization is shown by what the characters do, and how. My concern is that what I see is more like a laundry list of actions, rather than a depiction of personality through action.

Again, compare this:

She stood up, one hand on her sword. Suddenly, she lunged, drawing her weapon and driving it towards his midsection.

And this:

She rose to her full height, one hand resting lazily on her hilt. A coy smirk was the only hint before she became a blur of motion, blade out and at his midsection before he could breathe.

The former lists actions. The latter uses the actions, again, to express the person performing them. One hand resting lazily. A coy smirk. A blur of motion. You get a feel for the character by how she does things, not just the fact that she does them.

[veti]

The first non-quoted paragraph is too much exposition in one lump, to be interpolated into an action scene. Great long tracts of background like that should be in their own sections, usually up-front before you start the action.

The best authors can make the exposition just as entertaining as the action. But, no disrespect intended, you're probably not there yet. So in your case, I suggest cutting out everything from "Kae had known..." onwards - basically, all that stuff in the pluperfect tense - and reinterpolating it later, after this scene is done and dusted. By that time, either we'll care about these characters (and be willing to read it), or we'll have stopped reading anyway.

[Salasay]

The first non-quoted paragraph is too much exposition in one lump, to be interpolated into an action scene. Great long tracts of background like that should be in their own sections, usually up-front before you start the action.

The best authors can make the exposition just as entertaining as the action. But, no disrespect intended, you're probably not there yet. So in your case, I suggest cutting out everything from "Kae had known..." onwards - basically, all that stuff in the pluperfect tense - and reinterpolating it later, after this scene is done and dusted. By that time, either we'll care about these characters (and be willing to read it), or we'll have stopped reading anyway.

Do you think that that information is even necessary? Part of what I'm having to remind myself is to save information for later, so instead of introducing a character and saying "he's a middle aged mercenary half breed that shoots little balls of energy at people and has a kid" i save bits to introduce later. It might be best to just leave the nature of the relationship up to the inference and excise that section entirely, maybe adding a few more hints to the dialogue.

EDIT:I excised that part, and fixed the description issue with Relit. New section compshown below


OLD:
Kae Kyano scoffed at the child crouched next to him in the underbrush. Relit Braun was small and thin, with little mass to him. His chestnut brown hair was unkempt, and had not been cropped in months. Kae had known him since the boy had been 5 years old, and had taken him under his wing. In the six years since, he had begun teaching Relit survival skills and magic, as well as helping him when his father took ill. Relit had had to be taught to scrounge for food and, most importantly, get over his ridged morals. Fortunately, the boy had already learned to grow and harvest the corn by himself, even if he was too young to legally own the farmhouse.

NEW:
Kae Kyano scoffed at the child crouched next to him in the underbrush. Though his eleven year old pupil had taken to the study of sorcery relatively well, Relit still held too tightly to his conscience. Kae reached over and picked a sycamore leaf out of the boy’s unkempt chestnut hair. Relit swatted at his hand, but Kae dodged around the swipe and flicked Relit on the forehead.




Think of it this way - tight wordflow means that every word serves a purpose. Instead of giving us a laundry list of adjectives, slip them into verb usage. For instance, compare:

"Her hair was long and unkempt, and the color of a red sunset."

With:

"She brushed a long strand of red hair out of her face as she spoke."

The former sits there, like a roadblock, in the middle of your narrative. The latter, while not necessarily as pretty, serves a function - it lends action to the character's speech, while still communicating the details (long, red hair).

So the description of Relit definitely fails, but what about the description of Kae? Would you consider his to be sufficiently functional?



As Toastkart pointed out, you're telling us what they think and feel. You should be showing us what they think and feel.

I'm also questioning Kae's motivations and methods and wondering where the actual adults are, but this sample is a bit short to show that.


You're wondering as in you want to know more, or as in you think the scene is missing something without an explanation of sorts?

Also can I get an example of my "telling"? I don't see any of the obvious "X was sad, Y was happy" bits. Would the section below be an example?

Relit knew his friend was correct, but he was certain what they were about to do was immoral. His father would not have approved of burglary, even to save his own life. But if Jakob died… Relit didn’t know if he could last for a month without his father. The farm would be taken by bandits or the Shogun, and then there was no way he could survive.

I could also post the prologue, if that would help. It is a much more self contained scene, though I'll have to censor it a bit.

[Grinner]

You're wondering as in you want to know more, or as in you think the scene is missing something without an explanation of sorts?

What we're missing is credible history. Kae seems like he's a petty, selfish crook at heart. So why has Relit, a conscientious individual, attached to this one guy instead of someone more responsible? Why does Kae even care about him? Or does Relit's heritage engender such distrust that Kae is the only option? Also, despite having been with the guy since early childhood, Relit actively distrusts Kae's methods and abilities.

Basically, what you've told us about their relationship and how it's been presented are at odds.


Also can I get an example of my "telling"? I don't see any of the obvious "X was sad, Y was happy" bits. Would the section below be an example?

...

It is. However, the "Show, don't tell" thing is a rule that can be broken. You could put something like "Relit grimaced and ...", but then you'd lose the backstory bit you've got there presently. So then we must ask ourselves whether the text would be improved by the tradeoff. Will this child's tragic circumstances be discussed soon anyway in its own scene? Or is this the best opportunity?

[Salasay]

What we're missing is credible history. Kae seems like he's a petty, selfish crook at heart. So why has Relit, a conscientious individual, attached to this one guy instead of someone more responsible? Why does Kae even care about him? Or does Relit's heritage engender such distrust that Kae is the only option? Also, despite having been with the guy since early childhood, Relit actively distrusts Kae's methods and abilities.

Basically, what you've told us about their relationship and how it's been presented are at odds.


It is. However, the "Show, don't tell" thing is a rule that can be broken. You could put something like "Relit grimaced and ...", but then you'd lose the backstory bit you've got there presently. So then we must ask ourselves whether the text would be improved by the tradeoff. Will this child's tragic circumstances be discussed soon anyway in its own scene? Or is this the best opportunity?

I've never seen Kae that way, but you're right. He's supposed to come across more as a cool uncle.

Actually, Kae is the one with the funky heritage. i guess that line needs some fixing. Relit is a human, though his family tree is less than pure, too (which is slightly spoilery). Of note, fiendkin are basically tiefling, though the "always evil" thing has gone away, similarly with the "angelkin" not always being good.

EDIT: Would the below work to fix the line? or should i drop the "Like me"?
“Yeah, ‘cause we all know how much people love fiendkin like me.”


The next Relit scene actually shows his father being sick and... concludes that particular issue. I guess I could postpone that bit of background until that scene, though I think the motivation explanation seems a little necessary in this scene.

I also added a revision to my previous post proposing an amendment to part of the scene

[Grinner]

I also added a revision to my previous post proposing an amendment to part of the scene

Beautiful. :smallsmile: That reads so much smoother.

[McStabbington]

Kae Kyano scoffed at the child crouched next to him in the underbrush. Though his eleven year old pupil had taken to the study of sorcery relatively well, Relit still held too tightly to his conscience. Kae reached over and picked a sycamore leaf out of the boy’s unkempt chestnut hair. Relit swatted at his hand, but Kae dodged around the swipe and flicked Relit on the forehead.


Actually, I'd strip that down even further. Right now is a tense moment, as they are apparently going to break in and steal something from someone who is dangerous, but is presumed not to be at home.

Okay, that's well-established, and automatically creates suspense. Well done.

But in that tense, well-established moment, do you really think Kae would be thinking about Relit's entire personal history, or just the trait that's bothering him?

Put that way, it becomes fairly obvious what in that paragraph is important and what is extraneous. Kae's belief that Relit is too moral for the situation he's in is really the one complete thought that you need to convey. You can add in a bit more detail, but any details that you add in should have some payoff very shortly thereafter. For instance, this is a heist. Is there any particular practical reason why Kae brought Relit along? Maybe Relit can jimmy his hand through a tight opening and unlock a door. In that case, it's perfectly okay to briefly describe Relit's small hands and make mention of his dexterity, because then there's both setup and then subsequent payoff. But beyond that, you don't need a great deal of detail to really capture a character or to allow the reader's imagination to take over. It's much better to wait until later when another character is meeting Relit or Kae for the first time to give a more complete physical description.

Above all, remember that the prologue is designed to hook the reader and tell something very critical about either the characters of the story or the world. The prologue of Game of Thrones had throwaway characters, but vividly established that there is a terrible supernatural threat beyond the Wall. So it is not only okay to be lean and spartan in your descriptions and keep things action-heavy; it's actually a point in your favor. You can slow down after the Batman Cold Open.

[shawnhcorey]

Ira Glass on Beginners


Nobody tells this to people who are beginners. I wish someone has told me. All of us who are in creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is a gap. For the first couple of years you make stuff, it's just not that good. It's trying to be good, it has potential, but it's not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer.

And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase; they quit. Most people I know who do something interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn't have this special thing that we want it to have. We all got through this.

And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know that it's normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you finish one piece.

It's only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I've ever met. It's gonna take a while. It's normal to take a while. You just gotta fight your way through.

[Salasay]

Ira Glass on Beginners


Nobody tells this to people who are beginners. I wish someone has told me. All of us who are in creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is a gap. For the first couple of years you make stuff, it's just not that good. It's trying to be good, it has potential, but it's not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer.

And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase; they quit. Most people I know who do something interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn't have this special thing that we want it to have. We all got through this.

And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know that it's normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you finish one piece.

It's only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I've ever met. It's gonna take a while. It's normal to take a while. You just gotta fight your way through.

Thank you.




Actually, I'd strip that down even further. Right now is a tense moment, as they are apparently going to break in and steal something from someone who is dangerous, but is presumed not to be at home.

Okay, that's well-established, and automatically creates suspense. Well done.

But in that tense, well-established moment, do you really think Kae would be thinking about Relit's entire personal history, or just the trait that's bothering him?

Put that way, it becomes fairly obvious what in that paragraph is important and what is extraneous. Kae's belief that Relit is too moral for the situation he's in is really the one complete thought that you need to convey. You can add in a bit more detail, but any details that you add in should have some payoff very shortly thereafter. For instance, this is a heist. Is there any particular practical reason why Kae brought Relit along? Maybe Relit can jimmy his hand through a tight opening and unlock a door. In that case, it's perfectly okay to briefly describe Relit's small hands and make mention of his dexterity, because then there's both setup and then subsequent payoff. But beyond that, you don't need a great deal of detail to really capture a character or to allow the reader's imagination to take over. It's much better to wait until later when another character is meeting Relit or Kae for the first time to give a more complete physical description.

Above all, remember that the prologue is designed to hook the reader and tell something very critical about either the characters of the story or the world. The prologue of Game of Thrones had throwaway characters, but vividly established that there is a terrible supernatural threat beyond the Wall. So it is not only okay to be lean and spartan in your descriptions and keep things action-heavy; it's actually a point in your favor. You can slow down after the Batman Cold Open.


There's not a whole tone of practical reasoning behind him bringing Relit along, it's more just that Kae likes to do training exercises and take Relit with him so he'll learn stuff. I can post the remainder of the scene, if you'd like.

Waiting until another viewpoint character meets Relit/Kae... well Relit doesn't meet with any of the other cast members directly until a lot later, and Kae never meets any characters other than Relit (in scenes that we actually see)

The prologue I've got written currently is similar in that it has "throwaway" characters, but it more introduces the family and circumstances of an important character's birth. It's only a couple pages. Would you like me to post it as well?

[McStabbington]

There's not a whole tone of practical reasoning behind him bringing Relit along, it's more just that Kae likes to do training exercises and take Relit with him so he'll learn stuff. I can post the remainder of the scene, if you'd like.

Waiting until another viewpoint character meets Relit/Kae... well Relit doesn't meet with any of the other cast members directly until a lot later, and Kae never meets any characters other than Relit (in scenes that we actually see)

The prologue I've got written currently is similar in that it has "throwaway" characters, but it more introduces the family and circumstances of an important character's birth. It's only a couple pages. Would you like me to post it as well?

Okay, if he's just going to be hanging back, then focus just on the element about what kind of person he is. The goal of this scene now is pacing, and you want to focus more on establishing what the characters observe and do not observe to keep the tension up. So as much as you can, develop the characters through their observation. If Relit is inexperienced, have Kae ask him what he sees, then correct errors. If Relit has potential, add in one intuition that Kae himself missed. If Kae cares about the child, have him notice something amiss about the child: fatigue, or fear or injury, and keep it limited to just that one detail.

The goal of the scene, first and foremost, is to work as a scene while setting up all of the necessary information. People in the middle of heists don't stop to take extended looks at other characters, especially if they've known those characters for a very long time. They take quick, sharp actions because of all the adrenaline pumping through them or they go to jail. So let that play to your favor. Heists are about turning screws on the audience and building suspense. So let their natural actions help build and maintain that suspense for you.

[Douglas]

And how could I have it moved?
You ask a moderator to do it, preferably by reporting your own post and explaining the request in your report.

Or, as in this case, a mod randomly notices and does it without being asked. Don't count on this method, though, it's rather unreliable.

[Salasay]

Okay, if he's just going to be hanging back, then focus just on the element about what kind of person he is. The goal of this scene now is pacing, and you want to focus more on establishing what the characters observe and do not observe to keep the tension up. So as much as you can, develop the characters through their observation. If Relit is inexperienced, have Kae ask him what he sees, then correct errors. If Relit has potential, add in one intuition that Kae himself missed. If Kae cares about the child, have him notice something amiss about the child: fatigue, or fear or injury, and keep it limited to just that one detail.

The goal of the scene, first and foremost, is to work as a scene while setting up all of the necessary information. People in the middle of heists don't stop to take extended looks at other characters, especially if they've known those characters for a very long time. They take quick, sharp actions because of all the adrenaline pumping through them or they go to jail. So let that play to your favor. Heists are about turning screws on the audience and building suspense. So let their natural actions help build and maintain that suspense for you.

Here's the remainder of the scene.



Relit wheezed for a minute, and stood straight and tossed his head back once he had controlled his breathing. Kae returned the nod and turned towards their objective, a wooden mansion in the middle of a large field. The house belonged to Brian Sing, a prominent tobacco farmer in the area. His farm did most of its trade with countries on the far western coast of Paramyth, and was wealthy for the part of Sevatim he lived in. Every
Kae crouched low as he ran towards the house, careful to stay in the shadows as much as possible. Even if the master of the house was gone, it didn't pay to take unneeded risks. Once he reached the house, Kae whispered a quick stream of words, and then beckoned Relit to follow. He took a much more direct route towards the house, with no effort to maintain stealth. I'm going to have to give him yet another lesson about that, aren't I, Kae thought to himself with a sigh. Fortunately, Kae's spell had told him the house was empty, aside from a cat dozing in the kitchen window.
When Relit reached the house as well, Kae handed him small roll of cloth. Relit rolled his eyes as he took the bundle, and walked up the stairs to the door. Drawing a set of lock-picks out of the bundle, Relit knelt in front of the door and set to work. Kae counted the number of attempts the exercise took, but stopped and rolled his eyes after Relit dropped the picks for the third time. Kae whispered another word, waving towards the door as he did, and the picks began to move on their own inside the lock. Finally the lock sprung open, and the two burglars entered the house.
The entry hall was enormous, bigger than any room Relit had ever seen. Exotic tapestries and paintings covered the walls, and rugs carpeted the polished maple floor. A fireplace set into the far wall was almost as tall as Relit, and it’s mantle was an assortment of foreign objects. Kae walked over to the mantle and began identifying the objects for Relit.
"Kallaten spyglass." He indicated an iron tube with glass enclosed on each end.
"Mortein pike-head." A foot long wooden shaft with a seven inch steel spike on the end.
"Tatsuan cavalry sabre." Kae lifted the sword Relit had noted before. The single edged blade was approximately two and a half feet long with a plain five inch handle. The most striking feature of the Tatsuan sword was the inward curve of the blade. Kae swung the sword once, testing the weight, and then returned it to the mantle.
“And a Ravniran revolver.” Relit stared in confusion at the device Kae held. It resembled a flat, 8 inch steel club with a 4 inch wooden section set at close to a right angle on one end. At the juncture of the wooden and steel portions was a complex mechanism with a cylindrical piece of steel, free to spin, set into the middle. It appeared to have a trigger similar to a crossbow under the mechanism.
“What is it?” Relit asked.
“Projectile weapon. You’ve seen your father’s crossbow, right? This is a gun, which is like an armless crossbow. It shoots small metal pellets using explosions in the cylinder,” Kae spun the cylinder Relit had noted earlier, “when you pull the trigger. It’s very powerful and very expensive. ” Kae replaced the gun, and continued further into the house. “We aren’t here to steal anything he’ll notice.”
Relit followed, careful not to touch anything or make any noises for fear of waking any inhabitants, even though he knew there were none. The two halted for a moment as Kae closed his eyes, searching the mental map of the house he had developed outside. After a moment, Kae resumed walking through the house. The kitchen was not far from the entrance hall, and the two soon found it.
The kitchen was larger than the shack Relit lived in, with an over-sized wood-stove, an oven, a pantry, an icebox, and another massive fireplace, although not as large as the one from the entry hall. The cat Kae had noted earlier was still asleep in the window, and did not stir as the two walked entered.
Wasting no time to take in the scene, Kae made a beeline for the pantry, opening the door and going in. As Relit approached the open door, he saw another large room full of foodstuffs from sacks of rice, to salted and smoked meat, to flour and cornmeal. Kae turned to Relit as he entered the pantry as well.
“We’re not here for everything, just some bread. Don't get greedy,” he said quietly. Turning back around, he resumed examining the shelves, searching for the bread.
Relit turned and walked back out of the pantry and sat outside the door. Kae knew what he was doing, and Relit would only get in the way and risk knocking something over. As he sat, Relit's gaze fell upon the sleeping cat.
The cat was large, but it was rather lean for its size. While it did not appear underfed, it seemed as though it did not live the cushioned life its master could have provided. It’s short fur was white except for its tortoiseshell tail and a patch of the same pattern on its forehead. As it slept, its strange tail twitched intermittently, as if it had a mind of its own.
“Got it.” Kae’s reappearance took his attention off of the cat. Relit glanced up and saw the bread Kae had found. There were four large loaves, flat and wide.
“They’re pretty dry right now. Brian probably would have had to throw them to the birds when he got back anyway,” Kae said as he moved towards the exit to the kitchen, slipping the bread into a bag he wore at his side. Relit began to stand up as Kae passed him.
“Oh, Relit, close the pantry. It was closed when we got here.”
Relit nodded and turned to shut the door. As soon as he heard the door close, his hair stood on end and he spun around on instinct. The cat he had been watching was staring at him with piercing green eyes. Opening its mouth, it let out a loud hiss and sprang from the window sill. Relit attempted to dodge to the side, but tripped on his own feet and sprawled out across the floor. To his horror, the cat transformed in mid-leap, growing to be almost as big as Relit himself. The beast's fur had turned the original color of its tail, and as it landed next to Relit it began to make a deep rumbling growl.
As the cat stalked towards the fallen boy, it failed to notice the Kae charging at it. At the last moment, he leaped into the air and kicked the cat with both feet. The air in his lungs rushed out as he hit the floor, and he scrambled to regain his feet and breath.
Yowling in pain, the wildcat recoiled, backing up to the wall. Kae stood panting heavily on the balls of his feet, ready to move the instant the cat attacked. Creeping sideways towards Relit, careful to maintain eye contact with the cat, Kae called up the image of a small powder sack made of cloth. Opening his right hand, he focused on the image and invested a small amount of energy. After a tingling rush, Kae held the newly summoned item in his hand. Careful to keep the cat from seeing what he had summoned, he knelt and helped Relit to his feet.
The instant Kae held most of Relit’s weight, the wildcat darted forwards and raked Kae across the face with its claws. Crying out in fury, Kae hurled the sack into the cat’s face and turned away with Relit. In a burst of teal light, the sack exploded and produced a large cloud of silver dust, through which the cat was obscured from sight. A muffled roar came from within the cloud, but Kae did not wait to see if the cat escaped unharmed. Helping Relit along, he ran out of the kitchen and towards the front exit. The cat made a crashing noise as it slid out of the kitchen behind them and slammed into the wall opposite the door. Relit had recovered enough to run on his own, and the pair sprinted for the door. Kae reached it first by a fraction of a second, snagging the door frame as he passed through. He used it to spin to the side and grab the door on the outside edge as Relit passed through as well. Continuing his momentum, Kae twisted around and slammed the door closed, landing with one last spin on the ground at the foot of the steps.
Relit glanced back at Kae as the fiendkin began to run towards him. As Kae motioned for him to keep moving, the door shuddered with the impact of the wildcat sliding into the door. That cat must not be very good at running inside, Relit thought idly, while at the same time flinching in fright. Kae drew even with him and put a hand on his shoulder, urging him to continue towards the woods. Relit complied without protest, glad to get away from the monstrous cat.

[Lethologica]

I've noticed that when I re-read an old scene, I can't really "see" it in my head like I can in a published book. I feel like it's because I already kind of know what's supposed to happen in the scene, but I just wanted to know if anyone knew if that kind of thing was normal, or had any advice to improve it.
If you reread one of your favorite old dog-eared books, you'll know what's supposed to happen in each scene, but that won't stop you from picturing it. In fact, it'll probably help.

Rather, in this case, your initial paragraphs didn't describe the scene, except for 'crouching in underbrush', so there's nothing to picture. Everything around the characters might as well be shrouded in fog. Reread excerpts from some books where you 'see' scenes especially clearly, and note how they create the environment and place you in it as you watch the characters act/talk/think.

In this as in character description, description can be motivated by character action. One character shields his eyes against the sun. Another character crouches and picks gravel out of his shoes. A soft remark is swallowed by the driving wind.

Then again, it doesn't have to be character action that motivates description--point is, as long as description is motivated, you're on the right track. Mood-setting, scene-setting, whatever.


I am also having issues showing what my characters are thinking/feeling, and other cerebral stuff. I can show action fine, but the internal stuff i cant seem to nail down. Does anyone have any advice on this?
One thing I would recommend is to maintain a consistent POV within the scene. I'm just getting used to Kae's worldly, experienced head and you're already dragging me over into Relit's young and innocent mind, and vice versa. I can't get immersed in either perspective with all this switching. Pick one character's head to live in and let the other be as the first perceives him. Or, move out to a neutral perspective and let both characters reveal themselves through their appearances and actions.

[Salasay]

One thing I would recommend is to maintain a consistent POV within the scene. I'm just getting used to Kae's worldly, experienced head and you're already dragging me over into Relit's young and innocent mind, and vice versa. I can't get immersed in either perspective with all this switching. Pick one character's head to live in and let the other be as the first perceives him. Or, move out to a neutral perspective and let both characters reveal themselves through their appearances and actions.


Alright, I think the paragraph where Relit muses about his fathers illness is unnecessary, since that is covered in more detail later on. I did some juggleing of dialouge and narration, so it should follow Kae until he goes into the pantry, then switch to Relit until the fight starts, finishing out with Kae for the closing of the scene. The part describing the cat can only be shown from Relit's perspective, though Kae's viewpoint is best for the rest of the scene. Below is the whole sample with edits.


“Are you sure he’s not here?”
“Yes, he always leaves for the Market in early Vachuary. He won’t be back for another two weeks.”
“But if he catches us, he’ll kill us! This isn’t a good idea.”
Kae Kyano scoffed at the child crouched next to him in the underbrush. Though his eleven year old pupil had taken to the study of sorcery relatively well, Relit still held too tightly to his conscience. Kae reached over and picked a sycamore leaf out of the boy’s unkempt chestnut hair. Relit swatted at his hand, but Kae dodged around the swipe and flicked Relit on the forehead.
“I already told you this back on the trail here; if we don’t go through with this and get Jakob some food soon, he probably won’t last the week. Your father needs food and energy to fight the illness. There’s food in that house, and no one is going to miss it. Hell, Brian wont even notice there’s bread missing, he’s got so much. You just need a few loaves to tide y’all over until harvest.”
“Yeah, but…” Relit turned his eyes away.
“But what? We need food, he has food he’ll probably throw away anyway, what’s the harm?”
“Yeah, but… well… fine. But if Brian comes back, you are talking to him.”
“Yeah, ‘cause we all know how much people love fiendkin like me.”
Kae rose, removed his shallow straw hat, and ran his fingers through his hair. While the hat would get in the way in a serious chase or fight, his bright turquoise hair, which shone as though with ice, would reveal him and his heritage from a mile away without it. The constant scent of garlic and sulfur didn’t help, but they were less debilitating to his stealth.
“Alright, before we start this, you need a test. Let me see your mind-blade," Kae said as he pulled a smooth jade crystal out of his bag. It was five inches long and half an inch wide, with one face flat and the other curved.
“Really? We just did this yesterday!”
“And yesterday you were a day worse. Let me see it.”
“Fine,” Relit said as he gathered his focus. Staring into the crystal Kae had taken out of his bag, Relit extended his right hand, palm up, and whispered “Machairi”. After a moment of focus, a faint sapphire mist gathered around his hand, and began to concentrate around his palm. He began to sweat and tremble at the effort, but managed to condense the mist into a ball in his palm. The side facing his thumb began to extrude, first in a thin line and then a steep cone. Before the extrusion reached three inches, however, Relit let out a gasp and collapsed, the mist dissipating. He sucked in air for a minute before accepting the proffered water-skin from Kae.
“Better. At least you managed to start forming the blade. Remember, a month ago all you could do was make a puff of fog. Try visualizing the crystal in the color of your own magic next time, that may help. We still have a job to do, so catch your breath and we’ll be about it.”
Relit wheezed for a minute, and stood straight and tossed his head back once he had controlled his breathing. Kae returned the nod and turned towards their objective, a wooden mansion in the middle of a large field. The house belonged to Brian Sing, a prominent tobacco farmer in the area. His farm did most of its trade with countries on the far western coast of Paramyth, and was wealthy for the part of Sevatim he lived in. Every
Kae crouched low as he ran towards the house, careful to stay in the shadows as much as possible. Even if the master of the house was gone, it didn't pay to take unneeded risks. Once he reached the house, Kae whispered a quick stream of words, and then beckoned Relit to follow. He took a much more direct route towards the house, with no effort to maintain stealth. I'm going to have to give him yet another lesson about that, aren't I, Kae thought to himself with a sigh. Fortunately, Kae's spell had told him the house was empty, aside from a cat dozing in the kitchen window.
When Relit reached the house as well, Kae handed him small roll of cloth. Relit rolled his eyes as he took the bundle, and walked up the stairs to the door. Drawing a set of lock-picks out of the bundle, Relit knelt in front of the door and set to work. Kae counted the number of attempts the exercise took, but stopped and rolled his eyes after Relit dropped the picks for the third time. Kae whispered another word, waving towards the door as he did, and the picks began to move on their own inside the lock. Finally the lock sprung open, and the two burglars entered the house.
The entry hall was enormous. Exotic tapestries and paintings covered the walls, and rugs carpeted the polished maple floor. A fireplace set into the far wall was almost as tall as Relit, the mantle above adorned with an assortment of foreign objects. Kae walked over to the mantle and began identifying them for Relit.
"Kallaten spyglass." He indicated an iron tube with glass enclosed on each end.
"Mortein pike-head." A foot long wooden shaft with a seven inch steel spike on the end.
"Tatsuan cavalry sabre." Kae lifted the sword. The single edged blade was approximately two and a half feet long with a plain five inch handle. The most striking feature of the Tatsuan sword was the inward curve of the blade. Kae swung the sword once, testing the weight, and then returned it to the mantle.
“And a Ravniran revolver.” Relit stared in confusion at the device Kae held. It resembled a flat, 8 inch steel club with a 4 inch wooden section set at close to a right angle on one end. At the juncture of the wooden and steel portions was a complex mechanism with a cylindrical piece of steel, free to spin, set into the middle. It appeared to have a trigger similar to a crossbow under the mechanism.
“What is it?” Relit asked.
“Projectile weapon. You’ve seen your father’s crossbow, right? This is a gun, which is like an armless crossbow. It shoots small metal pellets using explosions in the cylinder,” Kae spun the indicated piece, “when you pull the trigger. It’s very powerful and very expensive. ” Kae replaced the gun, and continued further into the house. “We aren’t here to steal anything he’ll notice.”
The two paused momentarily before exiting the hall as Kae closed his eyes, perusing the mental map of the house he had developed outside. After a moment, Kae resumed walking through the house. The kitchen was not far from the entrance hall, and the two soon found it.
The kitchen was larger than the shack Relit lived in, with an over-sized wood-stove, an oven, a pantry, an icebox, and another massive fireplace, although not as large as the one from the entry hall. The cat Kae had noted earlier was still asleep in the window, and did not stir as the two walked entered.
Wasting no time to take in the scene, Kae made a beeline for the pantry, opening the door and going in. As Relit approached the open door, he saw another large room full of foodstuffs from sacks of rice, to salted and smoked meat, to flour and cornmeal. Kae turned to Relit as he entered the pantry as well.
“We’re not here for everything, just some bread. Don't get greedy,” he said quietly. Turning back around, he resumed examining the shelves, searching for the bread.
Relit turned and walked back out of the pantry and sat outside the door. Kae knew what he was doing, and Relit would only get in the way and risk knocking something over. As he sat, Relit's gaze fell upon the sleeping cat.
The cat was large, but it was rather lean for its size. While it did not appear underfed, it seemed as though it did not live the cushioned life its master could have provided. It’s short fur was white except for its tortoiseshell tail and a patch of the same pattern on its forehead. As it slept, its strange tail twitched intermittently, as if it had a mind of its own.
“Got ‘em.” Kae’s reappearance took his attention off of the cat. Relit glanced up and saw the bread Kae had found. There were four large loaves, flat and wide.
“They’re pretty dry right now. Brian probably would have had to throw them to the birds when he got back anyway,” Kae said as he moved towards the exit to the kitchen, slipping the bread into a bag he wore at his side. Relit began to stand up as Kae passed him.
“Oh, Relit, close the pantry. It was closed when we got here.”
Relit nodded and turned to shut the door. As soon as he heard the door close, his hair stood on end and he spun around on instinct. The cat he had been watching was staring at him with piercing green eyes. Opening its mouth, it let out a loud hiss and sprang from the window sill. Relit attempted to dodge to the side, but tripped on his own feet and sprawled out across the floor. To his horror, the cat transformed in mid-leap, growing to be almost as big as Relit himself. The beast's fur had turned the original color of its tail, and as it landed next to Relit it began to make a deep rumbling growl.
As the cat stalked towards the fallen boy, it failed to notice the Kae charging at it. At the last moment, he leaped into the air and kicked the cat with both feet. The air in his lungs rushed out as he hit the floor, and he scrambled to regain his feet and breath.
Yowling in pain, the wildcat recoiled, backing up to the wall. Kae stood panting heavily on the balls of his feet, ready to move the instant the cat attacked. Creeping sideways towards Relit, careful to maintain eye contact with the cat, Kae called up the image of a small powder sack made of cloth. Opening his right hand, he focused on the image and invested a small amount of energy. After a tingling rush, Kae held the newly summoned item in his hand. Careful to keep the cat from seeing what he had summoned, he knelt and helped Relit to his feet.
The instant Kae held most of Relit’s weight, the wildcat darted forwards and raked Kae across the face with its claws. Crying out in fury, Kae hurled the sack into the cat’s face and turned away with Relit. In a burst of teal light, the sack exploded and produced a large cloud of silver dust, through which the cat was obscured from sight. A muffled roar came from within the cloud, but Kae did not wait to see if the cat escaped unharmed. Helping Relit along, he ran out of the kitchen and towards the front exit. The cat made a crashing noise as it slid out of the kitchen behind them and slammed into the wall opposite the door. Relit had recovered enough to run on his own, and the pair sprinted for the door. Kae reached it first by a fraction of a second, snagging the door frame as he passed through. He used it to spin to the side and grab the door on the outside edge as Relit passed through as well. Continuing his momentum, Kae twisted around and slammed the door closed, landing with one last spin on the ground at the foot of the steps.
Relit glanced back at Kae as the fiendkin began to run towards him. Kae motioned for him to keep moving. The door shuddered with the impact of the sliding wildcat. That cat must not be very good at running inside, Kae thought idly, while Relit flinched in fright. Kae drew even with him and put a hand on his shoulder, urging him to continue towards the woods. Relit complied without protest, glad to get away from the monstrous cat.