Things I May No Longer Do While Playing X: Bard is not a valid choice

[Anonymouswizard]

Welcome, one and all to the tenth episode of this illustrious thread series on exactly how best to make your DM cry. As usual, we are always willing to lend a kind ear to your frustrations on things that have been banned, vetoed or just plain killed off at your table. Previous threads are listed below:

1: [Any] Things I may no longer do while playing. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=175909)
2: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=207015)
3: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing III: I May Not Iron Heart Surge Rule Zero (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=228707)
4: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=257965)
5: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing V: Pun & Pun, Rules-Attorneys at Law (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=293087)
6: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VI: This Isn't A Checklist We Swear! (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?335782)
7: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VII: No, Not Even Then (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?370856-Things-I-May-No-Longer-Do-While-Playing-VII-No-Not-Even-Then)
8: Things I May No Longer Do while Playing VIII: Why is the PLOT on fire? (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?414743-Things-I-May-No-Longer-Do-while-Playing-VIII-Why-is-the-PLOT-on-fire)
9: Things I May No Longer Do while Playing IX: GNO GNOMES! (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?440508-Things-I-May-No-Longer-Do-while-Playing-IX-GNO-GNOMES!)

Note: if you're going to use numbers, please keep the numbering in order. This means:
1) don't add sub-rules to previous numbers--people will think that number is the current one
2) look to make sure that the last post isn't a sub-rule to a previous number

Asterisks are highly recommended, though.

I think this was the winning title? If any got more than four votes I'll PM a mod to change it.

* There is no Decanter of Endless Tea.
** Even if there was, I cannot use it to outcompete the owner of Murlynd's Coffeepot.

[DigoDragon]

* If I miss my bus stop, I'm no longer allowed to cut through the Drama Club's parade in tribute to Julius Caesar.

[Madbox]

**In the event that there is a decanter of endless tea, I may not complain that it tastes like the swill they call tea at McDonald's.
*I may not have a rogue with more aliases and false identities, complete with cover stories, than the DM can keep track of

[TheTeaMustFlow]

* There is no Decanter of Endless Tea.
** Even if there was, I cannot use it to outcompete the owner of Murlynd's Coffeepot.

***May not corrupt the Decanter of Endless Tea with sugar.
**** When talking about the 'White Death', I should be clear whether I am referring to sugar, myxomatosis or excessively lethal Finns.
***** May not start a religious conflict over whether the Decanter of Endless Tea contains Earl Grey or Lapsang Souchong.

*The plot's vetoed if it's blatantly `Watership Down without the rabbits`.
**Even if my character in the last game was blatantly lifted from there and no one noticed.
*** This goes triple if we're playing Call of Cthulhu, regardless of thematic similarities (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HumansAreCthulhu).
**** Rabbits do not have a racial bonus to animal handling (Seagull).

[Elxir_Breauer]

As a Dread Necromancer, converted to Pathfinder:
*Not allowed to Zombify the Gray Render that was supposed to be a semi-decent challenge, then proceed to completely wreck the dungeon with said Zombie Render.
**Getting access to the Fly spell so that said Render can come with the party beyond the underground lava zone because our natural flyer can't carry it is right out.

[JAL_1138]

*If I've argued with a DM who demanded a drawn-out backstory and motive for my character to be adventuring, and finally got him to cave and let me just play, my wandering bard whose only connection to the plot was being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and whose motive for adventuring prior thereto consisted of "try to make enough cash and gain enough local popularity to afford food and lodging for a little while before said money and/or goodwill runs out and he has to move on again" may not wind up being the most motivated, proactive character and who's pursuing the plot on moral grounds.
**May not acknowledge that this is fairly similar to a previous post a thread or two back, although they were separate incidents.
***What? I like playing nobodies / random schmucks who turn heroic when the green slime hits the spinning blade trap.

*When the DM asks about my charlatan-background Fiend Pact Bard-lock's backstory, may not refuse to give any answer other than getting out my guitar and performing (IRL) the Grateful Dead's "Friend of the Devil" with the place-names in the song swapped to FR locations.

I lit out from Luskan; I was trailed by twenty hounds
Didn't get to sleep that night 'till the mornin' came around
I set out runnin', but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

I ran into the devil, babe; he loaned me twenty gold
Spent the night in Icewind Dale in a cave out in the cold
I set out runnin', but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

I ran down to the Trollclaws, but the devil caught me there
He took my twenty golden coins and he vanished in the air
I set out runnin', but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

Got two reasons why I cry away each lonely night
The first one's named sweet Anne-Marie, and she's my heart's delight
The second one is prison, babe, Paladins on my trail
And if they catch on up to me, I'll spend my life in jail

Got a wife in Baldur's Gate, and one in Waterdeep
The first one says she's got my child, but it don't look like me
I set out runnin', but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

Got two reasons why I cry away each lonely night
The first one's named sweet Anne-Marie, and she's my heart's delight
The second one is prison, babe, Paladins on my trail
And if they catch on up to me, I'll spend my life in jail

Got a wife in Baldur's Gate, and one in Waterdeep
The first one says she's got my child, but it don't look like me
I set out runnin', but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might get some sleep tonight

[Khaiel]

* If my character's background is that he is a lawyer, I am expected to make him a freelancer, illusionist, wizard, paladin or some other class with high social skills, not a technician.
** While I might point out that Anima's classes are more templates than anything else, that is no excuse and doesn't explain how said lawyer has such knowledge of Ki.
*** Shouting "Objection!" is not a Ki Technique.
**** Even if it actually is one.
***** I do not have to use said Ki Technique every time I say the word "objection", nor do I have any moral obligation to shout it and point at someone everytime I say said word by virtue of being a lawyer.

Anima can be so hilarious sometimes...

[Fable Wright]

* The bear that is unable to speak should not be the best tactician in the combat.
** Nor should they be able to come off as condescending towards trained knights.
*** Even if they engineered the live capture of a vampire spawn to pin down the nest and cult behind it.
**** No, your character concept for the next campaign can't be Tacti-Bear, the Battlemaster Bear.
***** Even if your current character's end goal is to make a world where such a thing exists viable.
***** * If you do go through with it anyways, you will have to live through a constant stream of bear puns, I hope you know that.

[Anonymouswizard]

* The bear that is unable to speak should not be the best tactician in the combat.
** Nor should they be able to come off as condescending towards trained knights.
*** Even if they engineered the live capture of a vampire spawn to pin down the nest and cult behind it.
**** No, your character concept for the next campaign can't be Tacti-Bear, the Battlemaster Bear.
***** Even if your current character's end goal is to make a world where such a thing exists viable.
***** * If you do go through with it anyways, you will have to live through a constant stream of bear puns, I hope you know that.

******* May not create an unbearable character :smalltongue:

* Cannot base my campaign around a Brecht smith inventing the arquebus.
** Even if they should have come up with them by now.
*** Cannot run Birthright at all, I must get a normal 2e setting.

So, I haven't met a group able to deal with the 2e settings I own yet. They are too immature for the ethical dilemmas of Dark Sun, not thinky enough for Planescape, and wouldn't be bothered with the domain management of Birthright. The problem is, I don't actually like Forgotten Realms or Greyhawk, but love these settings to pieces.

[JAL_1138]

******* May not create an unbearable character :smalltongue:

* Cannot base my campaign around a Brecht smith inventing the arquebus.
** Even if they should have come up with them by now.
*** Cannot run Birthright at all, I must get a normal 2e setting.

So, I haven't met a group able to deal with the 2e settings I own yet. They are too immature for the ethical dilemmas of Dark Sun, not thinky enough for Planescape, and wouldn't be bothered with the domain management of Birthright. The problem is, I don't actually like Forgotten Realms or Greyhawk, but love these settings to pieces.

1e Greyhawk (e.g., World of Greyhawk box set and a few other books and modules) was pretty good as a sort of nonspecific World O' Adventure. A bit of grit, a bit of shine, a bit of silliness, some good reasonably-detailed locations, and plenty of blank space on the map. And Vecna was just a rumor and a couple of artifacts in the DMG, not a character. It's actually worth a look if your only experience with it is 2e and later.

2e botched it hard, IMO. They tried too hard to grimdark it up, and made Vecna into an an insufferable Villain Sue.

Alternatively, Planescape doesn't need to be all that "thinky"--Sigil is great for noir-ish city adventures and mysteries, for instance. As long as they don't start slaughtering everyone/everything that pings on their Detect Evil and don't f#%& with the Lady of Pain, anyway.


EDIT: I share your dislike of FR, though. There's no blank space, which is bad enough, but it's the names that get to me. They're horrible. Ed Greenwood once tried to write a believable fantasy place-name that actual people might use. He was found two weeks later in his bathrobe wandering the Mojave Desert with a can of spraypaint doubling-up consonants, adding random apostrophes, and squeezing the word/prefix "moon" anywhere he could on the roadsigns.

[Arkhosia]

*Never may I start a sentence with "My legend began in the 12th century"

[illyahr]

*Never may I start a sentence with "My legend began in the 12th century"

**FOOL!! :smallbiggrin:

[FlumphPaladin]

* May not make it onto the first page of the new thread.


He was found two weeks later in his bathrobe wandering the Mojave Desert with a can of spraypaint doubling-up consonants, adding random apostrophes, and squeezing the word/prefix "moon" anywhere he could on the roadsigns.
* My character does not call this a typical weekend.

[DigoDragon]

* I am no longer allowed to write my backstory in second-person "Chose your own adventure" style.

[Anonymouswizard]

1e Greyhawk (e.g., World of Greyhawk box set and a few other books and modules) was pretty good as a sort of nonspecific World O' Adventure. A bit of grit, a bit of shine, a bit of silliness, some good reasonably-detailed locations, and plenty of blank space on the map. And Vecna was just a rumor and a couple of artifacts in the DMG, not a character. It's actually worth a look if your only experience with it is 2e and later.

2e botched it hard, IMO. They tried too hard to grimdark it up, and made Vecna into an an insufferable Villain Sue.

Alternatively, Planescape doesn't need to be all that "thinky"--Sigil is great for noir-ish city adventures and mysteries, for instance. As long as they don't start slaughtering everyone/everything that pings on their Detect Evil and don't f#%& with the Lady of Pain, anyway.

I'm currently pondering between just going with Dark Sun anyway, going with a non-sigil Planescape game, or a non-regent Birthright game. It's a hard choice, but I'm leaning towards the last, and I'll allow a clever PC to invent firearms, the world really should have them.


EDIT: I share your dislike of FR, though. There's no blank space, which is bad enough, but it's the names that get to me. They're horrible. Ed Greenwood once tried to write a believable fantasy place-name that actual people might use. He was found two weeks later in his bathrobe wandering the Mojave Desert with a can of spraypaint doubling-up consonants, adding random apostrophes, and squeezing the word/prefix "moon" anywhere he could on the roadsigns.

My main problem is that, if I want to run a game in Moo'nggar'rdde'nn (prounced moangarnet? I'm not sure) I have to read through a small mountain of lore to find all the Elminsters in the setting and work out why they don't teleport over and bonk the bad guys on the head. But yeah, I do hate the names.

[Khaiel]

My main problem is that, if I want to run a game in Moo'nggar'rdde'nn (prounced moangarnet? I'm not sure) I have to read through a small mountain of lore to find all the Elminsters in the setting and work out why they don't teleport over and bonk the bad guys on the head. But yeah, I do hate the names.

They are too busy talking to random adventurers and telling them that they know about them and their future in extremely cryptic ways.

* The Order of Yehudah is not the Team Rocket expy of Anima Beyond Fantasy, and I shouldn't say otherwise.
** Singing "Double Trouble" whenever a member of the Order of Yehudah appears is bad manners.
*** If my gf and I make characters from said order, they cannot be summoners that share a cat-like talking familiar.

* Red Theurgia's activation code is not "IN THE NAME OF LOVE AND JUSTICE, GO GO WISSEN RANGERS!"
** There is no such thing as a "Black Theurgia", "Pink Theurgia" or "Blue Theurgia".
*** It is somehow my fault that the GM didn't know that the Wissen Rangers were an actual thing in the setting, and I should feel bad for not telling him before.

[Madbox]

*I may not bribe other players or the DM with baked goods. It is too effective, and apparently several of them now need to lose weight.

[Anonymouswizard]

They are too busy talking to random adventurers and telling them that they know about them and their future in extremely cryptic ways.

Eh, in Dark Sun they neatly solve it by first having the only extremely powerful characters be the Sorcerer Kings, who really would like to wipe out threats but can't risk moving from their cities, and anyway the villains of you campaign are rarely going to be threats to them. Then they say 'but if you work really hard at it, you could possibly become the Eliminster-type character'.

In Planescape the multiverse is literally infinite. Even if there is a powerful character willing to help, they are likely needed to stand against an even bigger threat. If you can even find them (I have even Sigil as being literally infinite in volume, it's just most of the time you won't get to see any of that infinity).

In Birthright those characters don't exist. There might be people with a lot of personal power, but they have obligations which means they can't just run off and help you, if they are at a high enough level to help.

As it is, I'm probably going to end up running Birthright with the PCs as heirs to provinces, but not actually regents. They will being the campaign adventuring, then move onto leading armies, and then finally run domains. Or I'll run Dark Sun, because it'll have a very different atmosphere to what I normally get to play/run.

[Clistenes]

My main problem is that, if I want to run a game in Moo'nggar'rdde'nn (prounced moangarnet? I'm not sure) I have to read through a small mountain of lore to find all the Elminsters in the setting and work out why they don't teleport over and bonk the bad guys on the head. But yeah, I do hate the names.

Canon answer: Mynstra doesn't allow his Chosen or his Chosen's pet Harpers to defeat the baddies, only to keep them from winning. Mynstra WANTS wizards and sorcerers to fight each other because that encourages them to become more powerful, develop new spells, craft magical items and train minions, hence making magic stronger in Faerun...so she won't allow her faithful to destroy the Zhentarim, Red Mages, Cult of the Dragon...etc., because those are the main causes of conflict, and conflict is good for the growth of magic.

Yes, it sucks.

[GrayGriffin]

* Not allowed to make jokes about my character's girlfriend wearing a cool scarf...and nothing else.
** Not allowed to make jokes about my (female) scientist character getting "enhancements" when I mention her getting cyborg parts

[Anonymouswizard]

* If my character concept is a 'holy halberdier', I should have at least one spellcasting class.
** I may not be a half-orc fighter with the acolyte background.
*** Even if my faith doesn't worship an actual existing deity.
**** I'm level 1 and a half-orc, so I don't have Polearm Master, so can I please switch to a better weapon, like a greatsword?
***** My backup weapon cannot be 'another halberd'. okay, so I have a halberd and a longsword at this point, but I'm thinking switching the sword for a second halberd just for lulz
****** The tough, dependable, faithful half-orc fighter should not have a commoner's dress as her everyday outfit.

* Not allowed to use historically accurate undergarments.
** Especially if it causes my character to not like flight spells.

[Taet]

* Not allowed to make jokes about my character's girlfriend wearing a cool scarf...and nothing else.
** Not allowed to make jokes about my (female) scientist character getting "enhancements" when I mention her getting cyborg parts
***Not allowed to complain when my (male) character gets the same treatment. :smallannoyed:


*I am NOT Squadron Commander, Lord Flashheart.
**No longer allowed to quote Rik Mayall in any other role either. :smallfrown:

[Madbox]

*Our party is not allowed to defeat the BBEG with nothing but basic attacks and level 1 spells.
**Tasha's Hideous Laughter is now banned
***Grease is now banned
****You know what? All enemies automatically save vs level 1 spells

[goto124]

* Not allowed to have a spell of Blame.
** Not allowed to ask the forums for ideas on what a spell of Blame does.


* Not allowed to make jokes about my character's girlfriend wearing a cool scarf...and nothing else.
** Not allowed to make jokes about my (female) scientist character getting "enhancements" when I mention her getting cyborg parts

**** Must not ask if they're all FIM ponies.

[Rater202]

I can not base any of my characters off of the Mythbusters.

[Anti-Eagle]

* Cannot start with gasoline.
** Cannot buy, steal, or make gasoline.
*** Cannot touch anything oil based.
**** Cannot play Alchemists.

[FlumphPaladin]

***Grease is now banned
****Cannot research a spell that makes grease do electrical damage to anyone who fails the save.
*****The verbal component for this is not "systematic, hydromatic, ultramatic."


* Cannot start with gasoline.
** Cannot buy, steal, or make gasoline.
*** Cannot touch anything oil based.
**** Cannot play Alchemists.
*My gnome can use a matchlock.
**Flintlocks are okay too, because he's a gnome.
***Percussion caps are out.
****Even if he's an Alchemist.
*****Even if this is a multiverse mashup game and they had percussion caps in his home plane.
******Even if I've done all the IRL research on ingredients and reactions so he can make more when he runs out.
*******What's the NSA doing at the door?

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot refluff my rogue's hand crossbow as a flintlock pistol.
** Even if it makes sense alongside her rapier.
*** Cannot point out how her face skills help her as an assassin more than her proficiency in stealth does.
**** Cannot keep the fact that she's actually on good terms with her family a secret.

* The silly hat does not go with the ballgown.
** Cannot get into silly-hat contests with every bard I meet.
*** My adventuring profits must go on more than an extensive silly-hat and ballgown collection.
**** Instead of buying silly hats, maybe I could get suitable shoes?

[JAL_1138]

* Cannot refluff my rogue's hand crossbow as a flintlock pistol.
** Even if it makes sense alongside her rapier.

***Especially if reloading time is at issue.




* The silly hat does not go with the ballgown.

Depends on the hat. Some particularly-silly ones are meant to go with fancy gowns and dresses, whether in the Medieval period, the Renaissance, or modern times. Just watch the Kentucky Derby sometime; silly hats are a longstanding, time-honored tradition for women spectators.



** Cannot get into silly-hat contests with every bard I meet.
Then what's the point of playing a bard?!

[Wookieetank]

Depends on the hat. Some particularly-silly ones are meant to go with fancy gowns and dresses, whether in the Medieval period, the Renaissance, or modern times. Just watch the Kentucky Derby sometime; silly hats are a longstanding, time-honored tradition for women spectators.


Or the hats at the most recent wedding of English Royalty (https://www.google.com/search?q=hats+at+the+royal+wedding&biw=1920&bih=955&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjx4tCaz_LKAhVKy2MKHae6BgAQ_AUIBygC)

*Not allowed to use any real world examples for why I am wearing my silliest hats at court.

[FlumphPaladin]

*Not allowed to use any real world examples for why I am wearing my silliest hats at court.

**It's gnot because gnomish gnobles wear silly hats as status symbols.

[Anonymouswizard]

***Especially if reloading time is at issue.

As the party already has a Barbarian Lady Christine1 is being rebuilt as a face rogue. Therefore the reloading time is a non-issue (rules-wise it causes her to be limited to one attack with the weapon per round, because 5e, and she'll be taking crossbowfirearms expert as her level 4 feat).

1Lady Christine Alexandra Elizabeth Smythe, to give her full name.


Depends on the hat. Some particularly-silly ones are meant to go with fancy gowns and dresses, whether in the Medieval period, the Renaissance, or modern times. Just watch the Kentucky Derby sometime; silly hats are a longstanding, time-honored tradition for women spectators.

Oh, who said they were appropriate silly hats. She has full cosplay for both bards and swashbucklers.


Then what's the point of playing a bard?!

I'm a rogue, we're meant to be subtle.

* May not get a gnome to make me a fire breathing phase shifted doppelganger miniature giant space hat.

[Elxir_Breauer]

Not my own, but from my Monday night game:

*If I find a 'fairly well-made stick with what looks like a green canister on the end', I should not use this as a Mace.
**Doubly so if I'm using this "Mace" to attack a Swarm of Fiendish Dire Rats, knowing full-well that a Swarm is immune to single-target weapon attacks.
***It is ENTIRELY the Ratfolk Artificer's fault for not identifying this as a World War 2 German 'Potato Masher' Grenade, and he should feel bad when it goes off on the first swing, destroying my arm, even though it DID annihilate the Swarm.
****The fact that I have Troll-Blooded and we're using Pathfinder versions of all appropriate rules, including Regeneration makes no difference, it still took 3 weeks for my arm to grow back!

Note: I was the Ratfolk Artificer in this situation, the guy using the grenade as a mace is our 'Party Leader' The Great Cornholio (a Half-Giant Barbarian/Psychic Warrior/something-else, with a newly earned 8 Int, and the second highest Cha in the party.) I was using EVERY Knowledge skill I had, wracking my brain trying to think of new ways to use them to figure out that it was an explosive, which is saying something because I'd already identified two Anti-Tank mines and removed the detonators for safe-keeping... I still managed to fail every check at every opportunity up to that point, and then it dawned on me exactly what had happened after the party recovered from having our eardrums nearly destroyed by being in the next room of a stone dungeon.

[JAL_1138]

As the party already has a Barbarian Lady Christine1 is being rebuilt as a face rogue. Therefore the reloading time is a non-issue (rules-wise it causes her to be limited to one attack with the weapon per round, because 5e, and she'll be taking crossbowfirearms expert as her level 4 feat).

I meant if someone's going to argue that regardless of the rules there's no way in heck you're firing a flintlock twice in six seconds. (D&D really needs to go back to the 1-minute round...)



Oh, who said they were appropriate silly hats. She has full cosplay for both bards and swashbucklers.
Several hats at the recent Royal Wedding pretty much were "bard hats" with flowers on them.




I'm a rogue, we're meant to be subtle.
Counterargument: Moist von Lipwig. An outrageous outfit means people are more likely to remember the clothes, not the face.



* May not get a gnome to make me a fire breathing phase shifted doppelganger miniature giant space hat.
**(obligatory) GNO GNOMES!

[Anonymouswizard]

I meant if someone's going to argue that regardless of the rules there's no way in heck you're firing a flintlock twice in six seconds. (D&D really needs to go back to the 1-minute round...)

Yeah, that's why she has a rapier, and the first instalment of gold is going on the other 3 she's supposed to have.


Several hats at the recent Royal Wedding pretty much were "bard hats" with flowers on them.

Fine :smalltongue: I was more making fun of the stereotypical 'ballgown' outfit anyway, I love an excuse to give a character a hat of any sort.


Counterargument: Moist von Lipwig. An outrageous outfit means people are more likely to remember the clothes, not the face.

I don't play with big Discworld fans, because he's the entire reason for my blue-skinned air genasi rogue wearing ridiculous outfits. People think they are supposed to be sneaky, my Expertise choices went straight on Deception and Insight, and the other two will be Perception and Persuasion. Just because I'm playing a literal assassin doesn't mean I have to be sneaky, charming your way into getting a serving boy to poison the food is a legitimate tactic.

Also, my character has two public identities (quiet young noble girl with an interest in historical artefacts who dresses in elegant dresses, and a 'resourceful rogue' in battered leather armour with an array of tools and an enthusiastic attitude), which is going to be fun trying to keep a secret from the party in-character, plus a whole load of identities she makes up on the spot for schemes. She kind of has to distract people from the blue face until she can get disguise kit proficiency.

* Cannot have more false identities than there are party members.
** There is more to a disguise than make-up, a disposable set of clothes, and an accent.
*** Cannot explain exactly where in each outfit all my weapons are stowed.
For the two 'standard' identities?
Lady Christine doesn't wear armour. She has a sword-parasol which counts as a rapier, as well as a dagger and a pistol strapped on each thigh. Poisons when carried fit into a pouch sewn into the dress. I plan to see if I can get the signet ring enchanted to deliver a shocking grasp spell.
Elizabeth the rogue wears leather armour and has a 'worn' rapier hanging on her belt, along with two daggers and two pistols. There's an additional two pistols hidden behind her backpack, and whatever alchemical trinkets and poisons I can get in various belt pouches. There's also a garrotte in a backpack pouch, and various tools to be used as improvised weapons in her backpack. One of the belt-pouches is actually a bag of ball-bearings and there are two flasks of oil in the backpack.
Other identities carry weapons as appropriate to what I can hide in the outfits.


**(obligatory) GNO GNOMES!

*** Dwarven engineers are not 'discount gnomes'.

[Rater202]

*When I'm toldthat an aspect of my characer seems overpowered and among possible solutions I suggest changing the way the ability in questions works... if we can come up with a way for it to make sense in character, I'm not to be surprised when no one actually responds to that.

[goto124]

* The silly hat does not go with the ballgown.
** Cannot get into silly-hat contests with every bard I meet.
*** My adventuring profits must go on more than an extensive silly-hat and ballgown collection.
**** Instead of buying silly hats, maybe I could get suitable shoes?

***** Must not assume the ballgown-wearer is male.


Oh, who said they were appropriate silly hats. She has full cosplay for both bards and swashbucklers.

****** Must not refuse to let go of my previous assumption.

[Anonymouswizard]

***** Must not assume the ballgown-wearer is male.



****** Must not refuse to let go of my previous assumption.

******* Must not shrug and go 'eh, fair enough'.
******** Even if in real life the only reason I wear trousers is because I'd feel uncomfortable in a skirt.

[Braininthejar2]

* If I need a chart to remember who knows me under which false identity, my wizard is overusing the hat of disguise.

** I will remember that. now matter my disguise check, we play the game in Polish - I will instantly give myself away if I don't use the grammatical verb forms matching my apparent gender.

[Gallade]

* Outsiders DO breathe. Therefore, sending our Succubus to retrieve a sunken treasure is not the best plan.
** Sending the hafling's pony mount to rescue the Succubus should not be Plan B.
*** The chainmail-wearing Warrior is not the best candidate to rescue the pony for Plan C.
**** Casting Control Water to evaporate the pool when they are floating just under the surface will have bad results.
***** Never leave home without Water Breathing prepared, ever again.

[JAL_1138]

Yeah, that's why she has a rapier, and the first instalment of gold is going on the other 3 she's supposed to have.



Fine :smalltongue: I was more making fun of the stereotypical 'ballgown' outfit anyway, I love an excuse to give a character a hat of any sort.



I don't play with big Discworld fans, because he's the entire reason for my blue-skinned air genasi rogue wearing ridiculous outfits. People think they are supposed to be sneaky, my Expertise choices went straight on Deception and Insight, and the other two will be Perception and Persuasion. Just because I'm playing a literal assassin doesn't mean I have to be sneaky, charming your way into getting a serving boy to poison the food is a legitimate tactic.

Also, my character has two public identities (quiet young noble girl with an interest in historical artefacts who dresses in elegant dresses, and a 'resourceful rogue' in battered leather armour with an array of tools and an enthusiastic attitude), which is going to be fun trying to keep a secret from the party in-character, plus a whole load of identities she makes up on the spot for schemes. She kind of has to distract people from the blue face until she can get disguise kit proficiency.

* Cannot have more false identities than there are party members.
** There is more to a disguise than make-up, a disposable set of clothes, and an accent.
*** Cannot explain exactly where in each outfit all my weapons are stowed.
For the two 'standard' identities?
Lady Christine doesn't wear armour. She has a sword-parasol which counts as a rapier, as well as a dagger and a pistol strapped on each thigh. Poisons when carried fit into a pouch sewn into the dress. I plan to see if I can get the signet ring enchanted to deliver a shocking grasp spell.
Elizabeth the rogue wears leather armour and has a 'worn' rapier hanging on her belt, along with two daggers and two pistols. There's an additional two pistols hidden behind her backpack, and whatever alchemical trinkets and poisons I can get in various belt pouches. There's also a garrotte in a backpack pouch, and various tools to be used as improvised weapons in her backpack. One of the belt-pouches is actually a bag of ball-bearings and there are two flasks of oil in the backpack.
Other identities carry weapons as appropriate to what I can hide in the outfits.



*** Dwarven engineers are not 'discount gnomes'.

My most recent home-game bard had the "two different identities" thing going too, from Charlatan (one of the most fun 5e backgrounds ever), and a half-dozen disposable/situational others depending on where he needed to bluff his way into. A foppish minor noble from another country (related to a low-ranking noble rather than having any titles or holdings himself; not enough to have the influence, connections, or retainers the actual noble background would, but enough to hobnob a bit with the upper crust), and a commoner who made his living with a lute in the taverns when not occupied with mercenary work.

We started at level 3, and he had two levels of Paladin purely for Smite purposes, which he passed off as prior military experience, and used a greatsword. He had one for his noble identity that was a proper zweihänder, ornate, wore it as a dress sword of sorts. He also had a spare greatsword for use in his commoner identity, a very plain kriegsmesser.

Had three sets of armor: a polished, engraved breastplate that would be viewed more as ostentation than armor, for use in his noble identity; a set of scale, for use in his commoner identity; and a set of studded leather to sleep in (because there's no exhaustion penalty for sleeping in light armor and he was a paranoid nutcase) or if an identity called for it. Regardless of identity, he kept a spare dagger in each boot (in case he couldn't bring his greatsword or lost it somehow), and a piccolo in his coat-pocket in case he couldn't bring his lute or it got busted.

But since the Charlatan background doesn't require a check for the fake identity it provides, and I would never tell the party which was my real name ("It doesn't matter which is real or even if neither name is real; right now I'm , and it's vital for me to work as your face-man not to connect the two, even by accident, or everything goes to hell. Whatever identity I'm using, treat it as the 'real' one, even when you think there's no one else around"), it [i]never actually got sorted out which was the fake one before the game fizzled out several levels later. Even I'm not sure...

[Anonymouswizard]

My most recent home-game bard had the "two different identities" thing going too, from Charlatan (one of the most fun 5e backgrounds ever), and a half-dozen disposable/situational others depending on where he needed to bluff his way into. A foppish minor noble from another country (related to a low-ranking noble rather than having any titles or holdings himself; not enough to have the influence, connections, or retainers the actual noble background would, but enough to hobnob a bit with the upper crust), and a commoner who made his living with a lute in the taverns when not occupied with mercenary work.

Yeah, actual Noble background instead of Charlatan, because of the character concept. So it's a noble who's roughly third in line for a title, which means I have to get a townhouse, a horse and carriage, and then spend at least 14gp per day for my character's main lifestyle (10+ for aristocratic, plus driver, maid, and bodyguard runs that up to 14.2gp, I'll be trying to hire a fellow player for bodyguard). Thankfully the second identity doesn't require as much work to maintain (private room in the bad part of town, and equipment I already own).


We started at level 3, and he had two levels of Paladin purely for Smite purposes, which he passed off as prior military experience, and used a greatsword. He had one for his noble identity that was a proper zweihänder, ornate, wore it as a dress sword of sorts. He also had a spare greatsword for use in his commoner identity, a very plain kriegsmesser.

Yeah, level 1, I don't have all the equipment I need. I'm considering leaving the pistols out of the commoner identity, as they might give her away.


Had three sets of armor: a polished, engraved breastplate that would be viewed more as ostentation than armor, for use in his noble identity; a set of scale, for use in his commoner identity; and a set of studded leather to sleep in (because there's no exhaustion penalty for sleeping in light armor and he was a paranoid nutcase) or if an identity called for it. Regardless of identity, he kept a spare dagger in each boot (in case he couldn't bring his greatsword or lost it somehow), and a piccolo in his coat-pocket in case he couldn't bring his lute or it got busted.

Basically the ideas I've been having.


But since the Charlatan background doesn't require a check for the fake identity it provides, and I would never tell the party which was my real name ("It doesn't matter which is real or even if neither name is real; right now I'm , and it's vital for me to work as your face-man not to connect the two, even by accident, or everything goes to hell. Whatever identity I'm using, treat it as the 'real' one, even when you think there's no one else around"), it [i]never actually got sorted out which was the fake one before the game fizzled out several levels later. Even I'm not sure...

Yeah, I plan to fool the other players into thinking my character's main identity is that of a criminal pretending to be a lady. I know which identity is real though, and hope that they will stumble across it eventually in-character.

[JAL_1138]

*If the DM is new to 5e, may not try to convince them that the 2e fighting withdrawal (move less than 1/3 your speed to avoid automatic attacks) still applies.

*If I say I'm going to "deploy a tactical surge," I should not then pull out a can of a recently re-introduced late-'90s beverage in a camouflage coozy.

*My elf may be 300 years old, but he can't act like a grumpy old coot and call the others "dagnabbed whippersnappers."

[Gallade]

* While it's a decent intimidation tactic, casting Unseen Servant to flap the Paladin's cape heroically while he's talking is not the best use of a spell slot.

[Anonymouswizard]

* While it's a decent intimidation tactic, casting Unseen Servant to flap the Paladin's cape heroically while he's talking is not the best use of a spell slot.

** That's because Mage Hand works just as well.

[illyahr]

** That's because Mage Hand works just as well.

***And, in Pathfinder, it's useable at will.

[Talion]

*Bears are not suitable pets
**Especially if the party has had a history of fearing them over any and every other possible creature
***I may not claim that I didn't know the bear would behave like that when I had specifically planned around it murdering at least one of the inhabitants.
****Training the bear to live in the cabin and kill the respawning smugglers and bandits was admittedly a neat trick.
*****It learning to mark its territory with their corpses was not my idea and should be considered worrying.
******It learning to barter the loot from their corpses for treats like tuna, sides of beef, pork, and honey by leaving them on a tarp is no better.
*******The bear should not be gaining combat experience this way, nor should I be farming loot this way.
********ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM AN ASSASSIN, NOT A DRUID OR A ROGUE!

[JAL_1138]

(this one may be a repeat, not sure)
*No matter what the rules imply, the halfling army's armored bowmen are not one of the region's most feared fighting forces.

*No matter what the rules imply, the half-elf army consisting solely of bards is not one of the most-effective fighting forces in the region.
**There is no half-elf army.
***There is no half-elf nation to have an army.
****If there was, they'd have more than bards.
*****Paladins, sorcerers, and warlocks would not be the only other classes in it if it can't be all bards.
******Half-elves are not legally-obligated to take levels in bard

*"Bards do a little of everything" is not to be interpreted in any way other than class versatility.

[Anonymouswizard]

(this one may be a repeat, not sure)
*No matter what the rules imply, the halfling army's armored bowmen are not one of the region's most feared fighting forces.

*No matter what the rules imply, the half-elf army consisting solely of bards is not one of the most-effective fighting forces in the region.
**There is no half-elf army.
***There is no half-elf nation to have an army.
****If there was, they'd have more than bards.
*****Paladins, sorcerers, and warlocks would not be the only other classes in it if it can't be all bards.
******Half-elves are not legally-obligated to take levels in bard

*"Bards do a little of everything" is not to be interpreted in any way other than class versatility.

******* The half-elf bardic army cannot cause a massive crop of quarter-elven children every time they go to war.

[Draconium]

******* The half-elf bardic army cannot cause a massive crop of quarter-elven children every time they go to war.

********May not protest by pointing out that's practically a requirement for a bardic army.
*********Should my bardic army cause a massive baby boomer outbreak among the populace, I have only myself to blame.
**********That, or my army's decision not to use contraceptives.

[JAL_1138]

********May not protest by pointing out that's practically a requirement for a bardic army.
*********Should my bardic army cause a massive baby boomer outbreak among the populace, I have only myself to blame.
**********That, or my army's decision not to use contraceptives.

***********The half-elf bardic army's motivation for waging war is not to secure materials and production-facilities for silly hats.


*If I make a Chaotic Neutral variant-human melee-focused valor bard who dresses in white, I may not, under any circumstances, perform "Singing in the Rain" as an Intimidation check.

[Wookieetank]

***********The half-elf bardic army's motivation for waging war is not to secure materials and production-facilities for silly hats.


*If I make a Chaotic Neutral variant-human melee-focused valor bard who dresses in white, I may not, under any circumstances, perform "Singing in the Rain" as an Intimidation check.

**"Rains of Castamere" is right out.

[Anonymouswizard]

***********The half-elf bardic army's motivation for waging war is not to secure materials and production-facilities for silly hats.

************ Despite all evidence to the contrary, silly hats are not anti-contraceptives.

[JAL_1138]

************ Despite all evidence to the contrary, silly hats are not anti-contraceptives.

*************Bard colleges (1e, e.g., Fochlucan) are not named for the hat manufacturer whose silly hats they're allowed to wear.

[Khaiel]

*************Bard colleges (1e, e.g., Fochlucan) are not named for the hat manufacturer whose silly hats they're allowed to wear.

************** Bard colleges do NOT teach bards about different types of silly hats and pick up lines.

[illyahr]

************** Bard colleges do NOT teach bards about different types of silly hats and pick up lines.

***************Of course they don't. That's one of the entry requirements. :smallbiggrin:

[Draconium]

****************May not wonder how it took us so long - the second page! - to start up such a long-running bard joke on this thread.

[GorinichSerpant]

*William Shakespeare isn't a valid character concept.
**Especially if you make him something other than a bard.

As the GM
*The Underdark doesn't have a human Ambassador
**That Ambassador isn't of ambiguous gender
***They aren't a rogue who dodges every attack as if he's done it a thousand times before
****They don't spend combat trying to solve the conflict none-violently when they have a perfectly good knife to stab the PCs with
*****Nor do they wear a locket that is heart shaped
******Nor are they introduced after the PCs have killed some monsters that crawled out of the Underdark
*******If the conflict is peacefully resolved, the PCs won't find their pockets lacking with much less gold then they thought they had.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot wonder if the half-elven bardic army would be best represented by Irregulars or standard infantry.
** I must put the Birthright domain management rules down. I can run Dark Sun or something.
*** Cannot put the PCs in charge of an army without the Gold Bars to pay it for more than a single season.

[FabulousFizban]

bard is the only choice!

[Khaiel]

* A bard's level is not a measure of the amount of illegitimate children he has.

[JAL_1138]

*May not ask "if an attorney gets banned from playing bards, have they been disbard?"

[goto124]

***They aren't a rogue who dodges every attack as if he's done it a thousand times before

**** Must not get overly picky on pronouns.


************** Bard colleges do NOT teach bards about different types of silly hats and pick up lines.

*************** May not start a rant on "pick-up artists".

[Gallade]

* Even though we can say swear words, I don't have to anticipate them every time with "I WILL CURSE YOU!"

[Fable Wright]

* The words "awaken" and "gympie gympie" do not belong in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence.
** Nor do the words "awaken" and "manchineel tree".
*** The druid is not allowed to take a vacation to Australia.
**** Australia is not a clear and salient proof of the existence of a hostile and angry druid.
***** Everyone knows that it was the testing grounds for wizards' experiments, not druids'.
**** Nor is he allowed to visit the amazon.
***** Even if he just wants to see the cute frogs.
***** * Especially if he wants to see the cute frogs.
***** ** Look, can we just go back and focus on the deadly horrors that don't exist in our world?

[Anti-Eagle]

* Profession Uranium Miner, Knowledge Atomics, and Craft Demon Core are now banned as are artificers.
** Spreading it out amongst the party this time doesn't make it clever. You're still murderhobos.
*** It doesn't make you a superior class of murderhobos.
**** Seriously... this is a fantasy setting.

[Lord Raziere]

* Nyagatos do not say "you only live nine times"
** nor do catfolk in general
*** Even if the Dragon Balls exist, we may not start a movement to change the phrase from "YOLO" to "YOLT"

[Wookieetank]

*** Even if the Dragon Balls exist, we may not start a movement to change the phrase from "YOLO" to "YOLT"

****"DAD" is also right out (Die Another Day)

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not become so well known in the Dwarf hold I have a chance of being not only the first human mayor, bit the first sigmarite mayor.

[noob]

**A bard does not level up by having 13,33 illegitimate children.
***Killing a bard because you think he surely have had a child with your wife is not something to do even if you are nearly sure to be right.

[DigoDragon]

**A bard does not level up by having 13,33 illegitimate children.

* Not allowed to use templates to calculate how one receives a third of a child.


***Killing a bard because you think he surely have had a child with your wife is not something to do even if you are nearly sure to be right.

But is it considered the day the music died?

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not measure population growth in bards.

[Clistenes]

***Killing a bard because you think he surely have had a child with your wife is not something to do even if you are nearly sure to be right.

Why not? I guess a Paladin or a Cleric of a deity of Mercy shouldn't do it, but for everybody else, it is perfectly within parameters of medieval acceptable behaviour. Or Renaissance's acceptable behaviour. Or Ancient Age's acceptable behaviour... It is certainly within parameters of Kill-Everything-On-Sight-And-Loot-Their-Stuff Murderhobo's acceptable behaviour. Hell, the party would probably kill the bard to steal his boots if they met him in a dark alley, anyways...

[JAL_1138]

*Despite precedent, should not say "and there was much rejoicing" when the bard dies.

[illyahr]

* May not measure population growth in bards.

Ok, this is funny. :smallbiggrin:

[Socksy]

* If the bad guy is scrying on the macguffin, probably not the best time to remind the DM that said macguffin is down the Necromancer's cleavage.

[JAL_1138]

* May not measure population growth in bards.

**One bard (as a unit of population growth) is not equal to 1,000 births.

*My bard has never even heard of a crwth, and does not have proficiency with it.
**It's not even that weird of an instrument; the DM just can't pronounce it.
***My bard cannot play the lur.
****My bard cannot play the branching-corrugahorn.
*****My bard cannot play thr nyckelharpa.
******My bard may not play the pyrophone.
*******Where would he even get the gasoline?
********Alchemist's Fire is too volatile to substitute for gasoline in a pyrophone.
*********Even if I invent gasoline, the pyrophone is still too big to carry around.
**********May not invent gasoline just so I can play the pyrophone.
***********May not invent propane just so I can play the pyrophone either.
************Definitely may not invent a method to produce hydrogen gas just so I can play the pyrophone.
*************GNO GNOMES.

[Madbox]

*My bard may not play anything by P. D. Q. Bach
**My bard cannot have proficiency in (Instrument: Vending Machine)
***My bard may not "improve" classical music by adding sports-style commentary (https://youtu.be/f0vHpeUO5mw?t=53s).

[JAL_1138]

*My bard may not play anything by P. D. Q. Bach
**My bard cannot have proficiency in (Instrument: Vending Machine)
***My bard may not "improve" classical music by adding sports-style commentary (https://youtu.be/f0vHpeUO5mw?t=53s).

****Music by Spike Jones is right out.

[blacklight101]

*May not lead an Awakened Woodland Creature party through my wife's dungeon
**May not use the Redwall Group to overcome obstacles intended to really screw with the party of M sizer's she expected
***An Awakened squirrel, badger, goat, weasel, ferret, and sugar glider should not be able to kill a dragon that easily
****Should not have offhandedly mentioned my plans for a character to my friends, who I was damn sure would latch on to this particular idea, in the first place
*****In retrospect I should not have laughed at her expression ( :smallannoyed: ) when she saw the character sheets for the first time.
******Definitely shouldn't have looked at her like :smallbiggrin: as she looked up from the lot of them (eight of us counting the DM)
*******Should not expect her to be as polite about it on the way home if I "choose to pull this crap again. I know where you sleep." :smallamused:
********The badger and goat can have the smaller characters on their backs sniping with crossbows, but shouldn't be able to kill the monsters that easily from tiny crossbow bolts to the eyes, it's just not right


For her first time as DM, she has coped with our shenanigans very, very well. Managing the seven of us is quite the task (Especially the rogue that LOEVS 2 HIED), so big kudos to the waifu on that front. This is almost the most fun I've ever had for someone's first game too, so I hope she picks up another one in the future.

[ElFi]

*If I use a template from the manual for a villain's stats, they're not allowed to be strong enough to stomp the entire PC group single-handedly.
**Should one of my players get OHKO'd by said villain, I probably shouldn't let my other players mock him for the rest of the night.
***Doubly so if the same thing happens to the newbie of our group a minute later.
****If I decide the PC's don't stand a chance against the villain and teleport him away, I'm not allowed to mock their fighting skills further by claiming the reason he's retreating is boredom.
*****Dagnabbit, what was I thinking with that oneshot?

*As a matter of fact, bards have social interaction options that don't involve seducing the guard by the door.
**No, you're not allowed to seduce the BBEG instead.
***From now on, bards are barred (cough) from having a Charisma higher than 9.

[Anonymouswizard]

From tonight's character creation session.

* Cannot create a party of entirely female characters.

* I cannot be wearing less on my chest than the slutty sorceress.
** Even if it fits with my character's culture.
*** Even if she's wearing more clothes overall.
**** Okay, maybe if she's willing to cover up in towns. (this is me, she's from what is effectively an African tribe)

* The slutty sorceress in as few clothes as possible should not be played by the biggest feminist of the group.
** Actually, you know what, it makes perfect sense.

[GorinichSerpant]

*As a matter of fact, bards have social interaction options that don't involve seducing the guard by the door.
**No, you're not allowed to seduce the BBEG instead.
***From now on, bards are barred (cough) from having a Charisma higher than 9.

****This isn't a reason to create a warlock that uses their high Charisma mainly to seduce.
*****No, otherworldly patrons aren't seduceable.
******You can't make a seductive barbarian either.
*******Seductive monks are just silly.
********Do you want me to cap everyone at 9 Charisma?

[JAL_1138]

*May not base adventuring decisions in a sandbox campaign purely on economic grounds if I'm going to call myself Neutral Good.

*When asked to play dead, I should not tune up my lute and start playing "Scarlet Begonias."
**There would have been a "the" in there if that's what they meant, and I knew that and have no excuse.

*No matter what the rules imply, the Tavern Brawler feat doesn't allow me to apply my proficiency bonus to attacks I make with a live flamingo.

[Clistenes]

From tonight's character creation session.

*snip*

* The slutty sorceress in as few clothes as possible should not be played by the biggest feminist of the group.
** Actually, you know what, it makes perfect sense.

It seems like you have an interesting story to tell here... :smallsmile:

[Anonymouswizard]

It seems like you have an interesting story to tell here... :smallsmile:

Won't really have it until the game starts, but probably the biggest feminist in our group has created a Tiefling Charlatan Sorcerer (Gold Dragon), and apparently is going to draw a picture of the outfit so the DM at least knows what she's wearing, but we know it covers less than the same character's sexy underwear1, but also reveals less. The character has already been established as very interested in sex, although thankfully might be the only gay/bi character in the group, so acts will be mainly restricted to NPCs.

1Brings the 'not wearing undies' count up to two, because the most my character ever wears is a skirt and a waistcoat. Partially for religious reasons, as she's the party Animist and tries to at least keep her arms exposed to the elements when possible.

On that note.
* My character does not have 'the right to bare arms'.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

*Cannot use divination to game a Deck of Many Things.
** My familiar cannot draw from a Deck of Many Things.

[goto124]

*No matter what the rules imply, the Tavern Brawler feat doesn't allow me to apply my proficiency bonus to attacks I make with a live flamingo.

** May not say "animal cruelty".


The character has already been established as very interested in sex, although thankfully might be the only gay/bi character in the group, so acts will be mainly restricted to NPCs.

* Cannot say "but... but..."


* Cannot create a party of entirely female characters.

[JAL_1138]

** May not say "animal cruelty."

That flamingo had it coming. (It really didn't, and I have no excuse other than "I needed to do more than d4 damage and it was funny.")

[Socksy]

* May not create a construct with more than one of these in its description: Caustic, cytokinetic, feeds off magic, Ioun Wyrd.
** No longer allowed to play a Psion.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot ask who's carrying the nun's piano.
* My character's desire for organised religion cannot be 'nun'.
* Cannot kill the DMPC.
** Despite the fact that I literally fought against it's inclusion.
*** And the fact the DM wanted them to be a higher level than the party.

* Must remember that, as this is the internet, people expect all female parties to be lesbian harems.

[Gallade]

* If a person is walking towards me with a hand outstretched and talking a language I don't understand, I should BRIEFLY consider the fact they're trying to cast Share Languages on my party before attacking them.
** I should also learn to say "Sorry I cut your hand even though you meant no harm to me" in most common languages.
***I should also not argue that they should have learned to say "Don't cut my hand, I mean you no harm" in my language first
**** I should no longer leave home without Comprehend Languages prepared.

[JAL_1138]

**** I should no longer leave home without Comprehend Languages prepared.

*****I may not bypass a combat encounter with Comprehend Languages and a couple of skill checks.
******Even if it ended the encounter with a minimum of bloodshed, almost certainly saved the lives of several bystanders who would've likely gotten caught up in the fight otherwise, and calmed down a confused and angry but non-evil creature that was arguably far more useful to the town alive than dead since it could help keep actually-evil creatures from attacking through the tunnels below, the DM will only give us half-XP because we didn't fight it to the death.
****May not try for a peaceful solution, apparently.

[DigoDragon]

* Cannot kill the DMPC.

If the DM breaks the 'Cannot have a DMPC' rule, then all bets are off here. :smallbiggrin:

* I am no longer allowed to throw a fight just so the BBEG ends up killing the DMPC.
** Especially not allowed to have the entire party in on the plan just for the look on the DM's face.

[cavalieredraghi]

If the DM breaks the 'Cannot have a DMPC' rule, then all bets are off here. :smallbiggrin:

* I am no longer allowed to throw a fight just so the BBEG ends up killing the DMPC.
** Especially not allowed to have the entire party in on the plan just for the look on the DM's face.

*may not create a DMPC in a game with Digo.
**May not now suddenly worry for that DMPC
***Even if DMPC is not over powered,
****Actually is rather underpowered compared to the party.

[Lacco]

If the DM breaks the 'Cannot have a DMPC' rule, then all bets are off here. :smallbiggrin:

* I am no longer allowed to throw a fight just so the BBEG ends up killing the DMPC.
** Especially not allowed to have the entire party in on the plan just for the look on the DM's face.

*** If I ever again manage to participate in fight between BBEG and DMPC I am no longer allowed to use only action "Beg for my pitiful life" and "Cower in fear".
**** Even if they are completely in-character.
***** Especially if I am the one who manipulated the DMPC into the fight.
****** Especially if I can then one-shot the BBEG, showing that I could easily turn the tables in the battle.
******* This is especially valid if the reason I can one-shot the BBEG is because I manipulate the GM into giving me huge morale bonus for charge-while-shouting "He was my friend, you monster!"
******* Especially if these were DM's two favourite characters fighting for their lives.

[Anonymouswizard]

If the DM breaks the 'Cannot have a DMPC' rule, then all bets are off here. :smallbiggrin:

* I am no longer allowed to throw a fight just so the BBEG ends up killing the DMPC.
** Especially not allowed to have the entire party in on the plan just for the look on the DM's face.

*** Doing it because I agree with the BBEG instead of the DMPC is not better.
**** The alignment on my character sheet is 'Chaotic Good', I should not be taking over as the campaign villain.
***** No, wait, actually, that makes a lot of sense.

* My plan cannot start with using mage hand and prestidigitation to create a 20 foot deep hole around the DMPC's bedroll while he's asleep, and then using silent image to create an illusion of 'the ground'.
** Phase 2 is not 'add spikes'.
*** Cannot use mage hand to levitate a coin above his head.
**** I didn't play the tinker gnome engineer bard (...who actually uses a 'one gnome band') so that towns wouldn't be set on fire.

[Fable Wright]

If the DM breaks the 'Cannot have a DMPC' rule, then all bets are off here. :smallbiggrin:

* I am no longer allowed to throw a fight just so the BBEG ends up killing the DMPC.
** Especially not allowed to have the entire party in on the plan just for the look on the DM's face.

*** "Be professional, be polite, and have a plan to kill everyone you meet" is not the kind of phrase the DM actually expects characters to live by.
**** Not allowed to confer with a team of backup engineers when faced with something usually considered unkillable.
***** DMPCs and Mary Sues are not "the greatest game," nor should my character sheet have notches for each one taken down.
***** * Not allowed to have a second notch track for bardsniping.
***** ** "They will probably sleep with my future wife and/or daughter" is not an acceptable reason wage war on bards.
***** *** Even if it is true.

[JAL_1138]

*There is no such item as a Scroll of Detect Coffee.
**May not award Inspiration to players in exchange for coffee.

[DigoDragon]

**May not award Inspiration to players in exchange for coffee.

Heck, if it's good coffee, I'll award exp points. :D

[NRSASD]

*** "Be professional, be polite, and have a plan to kill everyone you meet" is not the kind of phrase the DM actually expects characters to live by.
**** Not allowed to confer with a team of backup engineers when faced with something usually considered unkillable.
***** DMPCs and Mary Sues are not "the greatest game," nor should my character sheet have notches for each one taken down.
***** * Not allowed to have a second notch track for bardsniping.
***** ** "They will probably sleep with my future wife and/or daughter" is not an acceptable reason wage war on bards.
***** *** Even if it is true.

***** ****May not wonder what your character sheet is made of, given that you can notch it.
***** *****May not wonder how many notches it already has.

[dspeyer]

From actual games:

* May not attempt to recruit random encounters into the party

* May not burn down the capital city
** In an effort to prevent burning down the capital city again, may not summon a giant rainstorm that causes severe flooding
*** After having done both, may not ask the survivors which was worse

* The goal of a Chistmas-themed campaign is not to find baby Jesus and eat his heart thereby acquiring his powers

* When running a Hannukah-based campaign, may not be a stickler for historical accuracy. Especially if using 3.5.

* May not hold off on picking a gender for my character until I see what's more plot-useful

* When using the Wall of Stone spell, I must select a reasonably common type of stone

* May not reinvent the entire TCP/IP stack from memory for wondrous items of sending

Things I've only thought about:

* If I'm DMing and the paladin goes to sleep with lay-on-hands unexpended in a city with hurt people, that isn't grounds for falling

* May not incorporate any material from Dungeons and Discourses into games in other systems

[Rater202]

* May not attempt to recruit random encounters into the party

**Nor may I eat the random encounters to gain their power.
***Especially if that's a real thing I can do.
****Especially if there's no limit to how many powers I can absorb.
*****Especial if I also get their abilities and not just their raw power.
******Especially if eating multiple of creatures or eating similar creatures makes my absorbed abilities stronger.
*******Especially if I gain a significant amount of the consumed enemies' powers and abilities.
********Especially if there's no limit to how many I can use at a time.
*********Especially if I can combine them into stronger or more versatile powers.
**********Especially if I don't have to eat the whole thing to absorb it's power.
***********Especially if it doen'st have to be dead when I eat it/part of it.
************I'm not allowed anywhere near the City Built Around the Tarrasque.

[Elxir_Breauer]

This is from a couple years ago, we were short a couple players and decided to continue through the plot as much as we felt we could. Keep in mind, these characters are all roughly level 5.
Arna: Dragonwrought Kobold Dragonfire Adept (Can't remember his age, but he's pretty dang old. He adopted Tyrion at a very young age.)
Riktik: Ratfolk Artificer
Tyrion: Krynn Minotaur Fighter

There was no Friday session. It didn't happen.

The kobold did not become simultaneously the most loved and hated figure in three kingdoms.

The fact that the minotaur is a professional stripper did not come up more than once.

Nor was it actually relevant at some point.

We did not foil an ambush by having an elderly PC shout, "Get off my lawn!"

We especially did not skip the entire dungeon by arguing with said ambushers about who was there first, then befriending them.

Nor did anyone ask the ambushers for a do-over.

The minotaur fighter did not beat both insufferable know-it-alls on a knowledge check.

Nor did he solve two out of three of the riddles.

The DM did not resort to saying, "Please do not have sex with the door."

We did not find out the truth behind The Prophecy weeks early.

The phrase,"What's 'hole' in Dwarvish?" did not advance the plot.

The DM did not say, "I feel violated. My CAMPAIGN was violated."

The DM did not play through sixteen minutes of The Stanley Parable to teach the players a lesson.

[Fable Wright]

***** ****May not wonder what your character sheet is made of, given that you can notch it.
***** *****May not wonder how many notches it already has.

***** ***** * May no longer call cutting triangles out of a character sheet with scissors 'notching it'
***** ***** ** That would be telling. :smallwink:

[Drynwyn]

*If I summon a demon and demand the formula for an Elixir of Immortality, may not act surprised when the elixir turns me into a vampire.

**If I can sprout giant bat wings and fly as a result of being a vampire, should be wearing more then a nightgown when I try this out.

***"What's so great about the giant cancer-ball anyway" is not an acceptable response to becoming a vampire.

[Anonymouswizard]

**** May not become a vampire with the reasoning 'life already sucks'.
***** My pun license is still revoked.

[Rater202]

*Not allowed to insist on a system with a magic system that can accurately model the magic of the base setting.
**Not allowed to insist on a system where you don't arbitrarily not have access to skills or powers.
***Not allowed to insist on a system where you can actually play a starting character of 2/3s of the setting's core races
****Not allowed to offer Fate as a compromise, since it's the only system I can think off that everybody can get what they want from.
*****Not allowed to repeatedly explain that I don't want to use D&D because the magic system is incompatible with the setting and because tge character I've been working on for over a year doesn't work under that system.
******Not allowed to offer Fate Accelerated, The System we're currently using, or just screwing systems and using freeform as a compromise when another player expresses reluctance to learn a new system, citing lack of time.
*******Not allowed to feel like I wasted my time when I worked so hard to keep a game from dying and the group from breaking up, only for it to fall apart a few months later when talking about the next game.
********Not allowed to feel like it's my fault when people start bowing out because of the arguing.
*********I need to accept that I'm never going to find a solution that makes everyone happy and that all of my attempts will just end in misery.

[JAL_1138]

*"Existential-Horror Man" is not a valid superhero concept.
**May not justify it as "still a better superhero than Florida Man."
***The DM doesn't disagree, but that's too low a bar.

[NRSASD]

*I shall never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, agree to play in a game described as "the Valentine's Day Special"
**Even though it was spectacular

[Madbox]

*I may not (out of character) correct the rogue's lockpicking technique (in character).


*"Existential-Horror Man" is not a valid superhero concept.
**May not justify it as "still a better superhero than Florida Man."
***The DM doesn't disagree, but that's too low a bar.

***Albert Camus is not a valid superhero, either.

[JAL_1138]

***Albert Camus is not a valid superhero, either.


****Søren Kierkegaard is right out.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Even if my only power is to switch sex, Transman is inappropriate as a superhero name.
** I can play 'Ohman' if I can give him thematic powers

[Rater202]

*I can not play as Bizzaro Floridaman.
**If I have incredible super powers, I can't live as a civilian and only fight street level crime if I happen to be there a the time.
***If I have the combined powers of The Incredible Hulk, Wolverine, The Lizard, The Scorpian, Kraven the Hunter, Carnage, 3/4s of the Fantastic Four and two different Spider-men, I need to do more super heroics than stopping the occasional mugging.
****It doen'st matter if all of their powers are at 1/10th strength at the most.
*****I need to have a secret identity.
******Again, I can not use any variation of Anti-Floridaman.
*******With that power set, I could call myself Chimera, or Menagerie, or something like that. Thus, I may not call myself Snuggles.

[JAL_1138]

*"The Edition Warrior" is not a valid superhero concept.
**May not use reality-warping powers to change the game to a previous edition of the rules.

*The answer to "what do you get if you cross Deadpool with Mr. Mxysptlk" is "vetoed."

[Anonymouswizard]

*The answer to "what do you get if you cross Deadpool with Mr. Mxysptlk" is "vetoed."

** That is the verdict, not what I put next to concept.

[goto124]

* May not hold off on picking a gender for my character until I see what's more plot-useful

** Must not suggest "female" on the basis of gender-related plot-points more likely to be friendly towards females.

[DigoDragon]

*I can not play as Bizzaro Floridaman.

I don't think anyone wants to play as anything Floridaman. :smallbiggrin:

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot play a wild sorcerer without telling other players of the minimum safe distance.
** I should tripple the distance I give if I'm also a Tinker Gnome.
*** GNO GNOMES!

[JAL_1138]

I don't think anyone wants to play as anything Floridaman. :smallbiggrin:

But wouldn't Bizarro Florida Man be, like, a clever, effective, competent, morally-upright superhero with a lot of common sense? I mean, if you're looking for the opposite of Florida Man...

[DigoDragon]

But wouldn't Bizarro Florida Man be, like, a clever, effective, competent, morally-upright superhero with a lot of common sense? I mean, if you're looking for the opposite of Florida Man...

With the headlines I've read about my state's "superhero", I think the opposite of Floridaman is like the inverse charge of a neutron. :3

[goto124]

I don't think anyone wants to play as anything Floridaman. :smallbiggrin:

I've always thought he's the typical crazy PC we love to read about in the Things I May No Longer Do While Playing threads!

* Cannot play Florida Woman.
** Must not keep others guessing as to how she's any different from Florida Man.
*** Should not link to a subreddit (https://www.reddit.com/r/floridawoman) just for Florida Woman.
**** Don't even think about trans Floridans (http://41.media.tumblr.com/fdee2d3bff174221512126edfaf09eab/tumblr_nihvuh7O9K1s6y003o1_1280.png)!

[DigoDragon]

I've always thought he's the typical crazy PC we love to read about in the Things I May No Longer Do While Playing threads!

Probably, although I cringe at a lot of the things those characters do here so I'd worry. :smalltongue: All the Florida folks need is to wear a costume and I'd have trouble telling the difference between this place and a The Tick comic book.

[JAL_1138]

All the Florida folks need is to wear a costume and I'd have trouble telling the difference between this place and a The Tick comic book.

*"SPOON!" is not an acceptable battlecry for my superhero character. :smalltongue:

[Fable Wright]

*"SPOON!" is not an acceptable battlecry for my superhero character. :smalltongue:

** 'Da flea, dadata flea now...' is not an acceptable theme song either.
*** Even if both strike terror in the heart of my GM.
**** The plot's existential terror counts, yes.

[Silus]

*As a DM, I must show restraint when creating monsters for the campaign.
**Only turning creatures into incoporeal undead is not restraint.
***Turning swarms into ability draining undead will result in books being thrown at me.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not hire a bard to follow the party around and provide suitable theme music for every situation.
** May not point out that the music could actually give a bonus to the thief's move silently check (assuming the bard isn't literally following behind the thief).

[JAL_1138]

*My valor bard with expertise in stealth and the charlatan background may not author and sell a wildly-inaccurate pamphlet on the art of camouflage and silent movement, advocating garishly-colored clothes, large hats with colorful feathers in them, heavy-soled hobnailed boots, and highly-polished gilded armor as the optimal stealth gear.
**Even if I out-roll the rogue on stealth checks more often than not.
***The rogue's player having an apparently-cursed d20 IRL does not mean that my bard's choices of attire are actually better for sneaking in-universe.

[DigoDragon]

*"SPOON!" is not an acceptable battlecry for my superhero character. :smalltongue:

** Still not allowed to attack my players with a poodle gun, animated mustaches, a yuletide of Santas, comfy furniture, a cowboy vending machine, or the Infinity Ball.

[Clistenes]

But wouldn't Bizarro Florida Man be, like, a clever, effective, competent, morally-upright superhero with a lot of common sense? I mean, if you're looking for the opposite of Florida Man...

Nah, it would be a clever, effective, competent, morally-upright supervillian with a lot of common sense


*"SPOON!" is not an acceptable battlecry for my superhero character. :smalltongue:

You made me think of Floridaman humping the backside of his enemies.

"The power of love conquers all! Let's SPOON!".

[NRSASD]

@Jal_1138
****May not suggest you were "hiding in plain sight"
*****Or that the guards didn't see you because they didn't expect to see you. They were too busy looking for dark-clad thief types rather than flamboyant bards

[Anonymouswizard]

* Under no circumstances can I summon Spike Milligan as a Servant.
** I am to take all the blame if the Sixth Holy Grail War becomes a surreal comedy.

[Rater202]

* Under no circumstances can I summon Spike Milligan as a Servant.
** I am to take all the blame if the Sixth Holy Grail War becomes a surreal comedy.

***May not ask what class he'd even be.
****Because I know the answer will either be Caster or something out of left field.

*No matter how high my relevant skills in magecraft and occultism are, I can not rig the Summoning so that I can Call Herekles as all six of his classes Simultaneously, Especially if I do the summoning at the Temple of Hercules so he'll get his stats ranked up.
**I can not try the Same for Cuchulain, Scathatch, Vlad III, King Arthur, Alexander the Great, Gilgamesh, Nikola Tesla, or any other Servant who can be called as two or more Classes.
***Must specify that no, Nikola Telsa is most certainly not out of place in that list.
****When the only servant class left is Berserker, I can't hack into the Grail System so I can summon Savior instead.
*****I can not summon Mr. Rogers as Savior.
******Because if I do, all the Servants and masters will be friends by the end of the week.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

* Under no circumstances can I summon Spike Milligan as a Servant.
** I am to take all the blame if the Sixth Holy Grail War becomes a surreal comedy.
***Must resist the obvious reference (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHsbwY4EPyA).
**** In point of fact, with regard to said reference, Scottish Play rules are now in effect.
***** The fact that it turns out the Indonesian member of the group has no idea what we're on about does not mean the rule is revoked. The contagion should not be spread.
****** In such an environment, it might be wise for those who have got away with playing a Scottish accented Evoker by the name of Timeon to refrain from screaming 'Look at tha BONES!'

[Anonymouswizard]

***** The fact that it turns out the Indonesian member of the group has no idea what we're on about does not mean the rule is revoked. The contagion should not be spread.

****** May not ask if your Indonesian member also gets annoyed when the party hasn't killed anything in a while, because mine certainly did.

******* May not admit I'm formulating plans to introduce a Chinese person to roleplaying (it's a tie between 'get her husband addicted' and 'run Vampire' at the moment).

[Squibsallotl]

As a player:
*May not play as a druid urchin "master of vermin" who uses spiders to set up alarm-tripwires with web-sense and rats as sentries and spies.
**May not force the DM to spontaneously invent animal NPCs for said druid urchin to interrogate, whilst ignoring all his pre-prepared normal NPCs.

As a DM:
*May not create a dungeon filled with puzzles, each of which has a legitimate, defined solution, except for ONE room half way through called the "paranoia puzzle" where the only solution is to do nothing.

[goto124]

a cowboy vending machine

*** Must not insist that a cowboy vending machine literally dispenses cowboys.
**** This is not a boyfriend vending machine for my barbarian and my pseudopaladin.

[DigoDragon]

*** Must not insist that a cowboy vending machine literally dispenses cowboys.

Villains from The Tick are never that straightforward (http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr03/2013/2/13/16/anigif_enhanced-buzz-16034-1360791274-8.gif). :smallbiggrin:
(and yes, the top item in the vending machine is the cowboy's brain)

Also, no sending the Swiss Army (http://www.toonzone.net/news/images/2007-09/TickSeason2/TickS2Swiss.jpg) after the players.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

****** May not ask if your Indonesian member also gets annoyed when the party hasn't killed anything in a while, because mine certainly did.

She's certainly somewhat fireball happy, though she's not the worst in the party for friendly fire, since the only friendly she normally fireballs is herself.

[Anonymouswizard]

She's certainly somewhat fireball happy, though she's not the worst in the party for friendly fire, since the only friendly she normally fireballs is herself.

Okay, doesn't quite sound like the one I had then. Interesting to hear that they're both women though. I've noticed that they can have problems with British humour though, I once annoyed her by joking she wouldn't recognise a Chinese person on sight (she's ethnically Chinese, but was being particularly oblivious race wise).

* May not attempt to bribe Skaven with peanut butter sandwiches.

[JAL_1138]

*In a party with a tiefling Great Old One warlock who summons unholy power from the far realm, a half-orc barbarian who carries a glaive with three humanoid skulls tied onto the haft, and a human professional assassin who takes ears off his kills and threads them onto a string as proof of how many he's murdered, the scariest person in the party should not be the half-elf bard who dresses in bright cheery colors and wears a silly hat.

[Joe the Rat]

* May not recruit players from multiple time zones simply so I can say "The Sun Never Sets on My Gaming Empire!"
** Especially not in title case.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not bring a replacement character just in case I fail my overconfidence roll to interrogate the captives now and get treated for poison later.
** May not name this character using camelCase.
*** He should not literally be designed as a 'SWOT Officer'.
**** Even if upper class.

[LastCenturion]

*Using a fireball to kill mosquitoes is overkill
**Even if the mosquitoes are really annoying
***Mosquitoes do not yield XP.

*I cannot torch the abandoned mansion instead of going in.
**Even if the last three adventures would have been solved instantly by doing that.

[Rater202]

*No more than 3 of my characters can be based on characters from another game
**They can not all come from the same continuity.
***Our ship does not have a basement.

[Gallade]

* The Antipaladin hit by Smite Evil does not "feel his sins crawling on his back".
** He already knows he's having a bad time, no need to remind him.
*** Likewise, if he is killed, "dunked on" is not the best terminology for his condition.
**** There are no Neutral Good skeletons with +100 evasion AC and DR 100/Slashing in any of the bestiaries.

Situations the Antipaladin should never be in again
* Fighting a Paladin who insists on giving him the coup de grace himself, giving him the time to heal
* In a gazebo on fire with a Succubus who can teleport him just outside
* In the middle of a zombie horde he can control with Channel Energy
* In the middle of a troop of soldiers he can kill with Channel Energy
* Against any enemy with less than 18 HP while he still has an use of Channel Energy
* Against any enemy he can Intimidate with a roll of 5 or lower
* Against any enemy the Bard can convince to retreat with a roll of 5 or lower
* Against any demon he may get chummy with
* In a unisex shower room with the female halfling Dragon Disciple mage
* In a McDonald's when he's a few silvers short of his menu
* Working at a Suicide Hotline (1)
* Organizing a blood donor charity picnic
* As the only one with ranks in Healing in a volcano expedition
* Within 10 miles of anyone capable of buffing his AC
* In a church with the LG Conjurer
** In a church with the Succubus
** In any church
*** In any town with a church
* In any fortress he and the Bard can take over with Diplomacy, Intimidate and Bluff combos
** In any fortress he and the Bard can slaughter 80% of the soldiers and take over the other 20% with Diplomacy, Intimidate and Bluff combos
* Flanking an enemy with the Rogue
* Flanking an enemy with the Warrior
* Flanking an enemy with the Dragon Disciple Monk

(1):Context: After slaughtering a half score of soldiers and their beloved captain, one more remained trapped in a room, audibly shaken and hysteric. He tried to talk her down with an INTIMIDATE roll. She committed suicide from fright.

[JAL_1138]

*Must not fail to recognize that no matter how effective or historically-appropriate they might be, some weapons just don't sound dramatically appropriate.
E.g.,
Paladin: You have my sword.
Ranger: And my bow.
Cleric: And my hammer.
Bard: And my [spetum, guisarme-voulge, Bohemian earspoon, fauchard-fork, Goedendag, holy-water sprinkler+, menaulion++, plançon à picot+++, krókspjót++++, etc]


+Type of mace or morningstar that supposedly resembles an aspergillium; alternatively, a type of military flail--depends on whether you're looking at the English or the French version.

++Long-bladed Byzantine spear.

+++An iron-shod club with a steel thrusting-spike on the end--a shorter, mace-length Goedendag.

++++Viking hooked spear.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not attempt to find the silliest sounding weapon I can for my character.
** May not attempt to discover why it's specifically a Bohemian Ear Spoon.

[TeChameleon]

* I may no longer negate the DM's strategy with a move action.
** I may no longer point out that I could have negated that strategy at least three other ways, none of which would have required any great effort.
*** Look, just because I'm no longer allowed to use gravity as my personal plaything, it doesn't mean that I have to keep everyone else from using it as their plaything too.

* I am no longer allowed to point and laugh when four of the six surviving elder red dragons sparrow into our airship's invisible forcefield.
** I am also no longer allowed to gloat at the people who thought I was crazy to have my wizard spend months laboriously casting permanencied Arcane Barrier over and over and over all around the airship to create said invisible forcefield.

* After the DM has given the party an ancient dwarven laser cannon (don't ask), and then made the suggestion that we get it enchanted, we are no longer allowed to utterly ruin the campaign balance by discovering the Lightning Strike enchantment, which does double damage against objects. The group that is currently the largest threat to our mission uses a lot of airships. Guess what airships count as? :smallamused:

[JAL_1138]

* May not attempt to find the silliest sounding weapon I can for my character.
** May not attempt to discover why it's specifically a Bohemian Ear Spoon.

Same reason certain very large American daggers are "Arkansas toothpicks." (An earspoon was/is a small implement for removing earwax; a medieval Q-tip of sorts. They're still in common use in some countries).

EDIT: As to Bohemia specifically, presumably the design originated there, much as with the Arkansas toothpick (invented by James Black, who also developed the Bowie knife, and who lived and smithed in Arkansas (although he wasn't a native; originally hailed from New Jersey, although he did all of his knifemaking in his adopted home state)).

ALSO EDIT: In both cases, the general naming trend is a combination of incongruous euphemism for its own sake, and the (deliberate) implication that people from those places are so badass they use terrifying large weapons as personal-hygiene implements. It's like if a Kriegsmesser was called a "Bavarian straight-razor."

[Anonymouswizard]

Same reason certain very large American daggers are "Arkansas toothpicks." (An earspoon was/is a small implement for removing earwax; a medieval Q-tip of sorts. They're still in common use in some countries).

EDIT: As to Bohemia specifically, presumably the design originated there, much as with the Arkansas toothpick (invented by James Black, who also developed the Bowie knife, and who lived and smithed in Arkansas (although he wasn't a native; originally hailed from New Jersey, although he did all of his knifemaking in his adopted home state)).

ALSO EDIT: In both cases, the general naming trend is a combination of incongruous euphemism for its own sake, and the (deliberate) implication that people from those places are so badass they use terrifying large weapons as personal-hygiene implements. It's like if a Kriegsmesser was called a "Bavarian straight-razor."

* Cannot name my rifle the 'Middenland Nail Clippers'.

[JAL_1138]

* Cannot name my rifle the 'Middenland Nail Clippers'.

If you're prone to shooting people's fingers off with it, I don't see why not.

"Middenland Mosquito" would be a good name for a comically-large-caliber gun that made a huge boom and/or left a huge hole in whatever it hit. Sir Samuel W. Baker had a "hunting" rifle that was a 2-bore blackpowder (nearly 1&1/3 inch) that shot a half-pound bullet, which knocked two people over--himself and someone bracing him to help mitigate the recoil--and caused the gun to fly out of his grasp to land several yards away whenever he fired it. He named it "Baby."

[Anonymouswizard]

* A critical success on biology only gets the species of snake the venom was milked from, not the exact rock in new Nehkara it lives on, or the fact it's name is Fred.

* May not bring up the lack of pikes in the Empire's military forces.
** Or the fact that they are Germany.

[Gallade]

And all of these sound like weapons you'd find in Borderlands.

[JAL_1138]

* May not bring up the lack of pikes in the Empire's military forces.
** Or the fact that they are Germany.

The Galactic Empire had short spears called "force pikes" that combined a vibroblade and an electric stun option. The red-cloaked guards in RotJ can briefly be seen carrying them. Also, y'know, blasters exist (although given stormtrooper accuracy, maybe they really should go back to pike squares).

If that's the Empire you're referring to, anyway.

(And yeah, they're totally Germany. "Stormtroopers" and all.)

[Rater202]

*If, ten years after I stop adventuring, the local hospital still uses my name as a code for injuries caused by my weapon of choice, I may have been a bit two trigger happy.

[Anonymouswizard]

The Galactic Empire had short spears called "force pikes" that combined a vibroblade and an electric stun option. The red-cloaked guards in RotJ can briefly be seen carrying them. Also, y'know, blasters exist (although given stormtrooper accuracy, maybe they really should go back to pike squares).

If that's the Empire you're referring to, anyway.

(And yeah, they're totally Germany. "Stormtroopers" and all.)

Warhammer Fantasy. The actual reason we came up with is because pikes make forming models into units annoying, and so GW stuck with spears for the big factions (even though, by their society and tech level, the Empire should be using them). Specifically, Holy Roman Empire (read: Germany) around the Renaissance.

On Galactic Empire Stormtrooper accuracy, they actually aren't terrible shots, their accuracy and equipment are up to the standard required, it's just the obvious comparison (the main characters) are even better shots.

More from tonight's game.
* May not bring a tuna sandwich with me while interrogating the Skaven.
** Once the interrogation has been completed and everybody else is locating the gas bombs, cannot point out my uselessness by eating my sandwich.

* If I am already known by everybody in the hold, I should not continue being one of the first to deal with every major emergency that happens.
** I should not personally be one of the first people to help stabilise the Skaven Ambassador.

[Draconium]

*If, ten years after I stop adventuring, the local hospital still uses my name as a code for injuries caused by my weapon of choice, I may have been a bit two trigger happy.

**May not inquire if two trigger happy is worse than too trigger happy. I'm sorry. XD

[Taet]

* After the DM has given the party an ancient dwarven laser cannon (don't ask), and then made the suggestion that we get it enchanted, we are no longer allowed to utterly ruin the campaign balance by discovering the Lightning Strike enchantment, which does double damage against objects. The group that is currently the largest threat to our mission uses a lot of airships. Guess what airships count as? :smallamused:
In related news.

*Just because I can copy anything one class of enemy can do, does not mean that I should. :smallamused:
**One more five minute attack of the giggles like the last time I did that, and I will have my minis taken away. :smallannoyed:
...
***Engineering was a privilege, not a right. :smallfrown: :smallfrown: :smallfrown:

[LastCenturion]

*Shape Metal does not work on plot railroads

*I may not Polymorph myself into an Awakened Dire Hummingbird and fly down the chasm; I must use a rope made partially out of vines.
**Even if the rope was made by my partymate, the druid of pancakes. Literally.

[JBPuffin]

*May no longer create characters in a random generation system based on 50-50s without knowing the consequences
**Being a droid gunship is not compensation for the human warrior being a planeswalker of about Sarkhan Unbroken's power level without the dragon fixation.
***The fact that you're scared of water but were enslaved by a pirate king on an ocean planet...does not make things better.
***WHY ARE YOU NOT KILLING AQUAMAN?!
****Mythic (http://www.mythic.wordpr.com/page14/page14.html) is the best system for silliness :smallbiggrin:.

I've never had a stranger mix of characters than this. The fact that things got worst when I started rolling up the droid ship's backstory (to explain why it has a planeswalker spark >.>) only makes it better.

[Rater202]

*When charged with creating an AI for the ship, I cannot use shenanigans to pull all 13 known incarnations of The Doctor to a single location so that I can copy their knowledge, memories, and personalities, prune the personality flaws, combine the copies into a Super-Doctor, and use that.

[TeChameleon]

*When charged with creating an AI for the ship, I cannot use shenanigans to pull all 13 known incarnations of The Doctor to a single location so that I can copy their knowledge, memories, and personalities, prune the personality flaws, combine the copies into a Super-Doctor, and use that.

... I'm... not sure what you'd get with that, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to be anywhere in the same space-time continuum as it O.o While it might be less dangerous (... at least deliberately) than fusing, say, HAL 9000, GLADoS and SHODAN, and using the result of that hot mess as your AI, I'm thinking that that one would have to go to the judges.

Speaking of AIs...

* When discussing how to turn the party's airship into an intelligent item, may no longer suggest that the party wizard, who has the life-goal of setting everything that annoys him on fire, be merged with the 30+ INT artifact that is annoyed by everything less intelligent than it, and the result of that be used as the airship's AI, especially when the party's airship is armed with laser cannons while pretty much everything else in the sky has ballistae.

[dspeyer]

*Using a fireball to kill mosquitoes is overkill
**Even if the mosquitoes are really annoying
***Mosquitoes do not yield XP.

* May not run a d20 modern campaign where the goal is to exterminate mosquitoes
** My friends would take that way too seriously
*** And if we come up with a viable plan, we should do it, not roll dice

[Fable Wright]

*When charged with creating an AI for the ship, I cannot use shenanigans to pull all 13 known incarnations of The Doctor to a single location so that I can copy their knowledge, memories, and personalities, prune the personality flaws, combine the copies into a Super-Doctor, and use that.

You, uh. Realize that you only need the last doctor to pull all the other ones out, right? They do remember their old personalities, have all the knowledge old doctors had, etc.


* May not run a d20 modern campaign where the goal is to exterminate mosquitoes
** My friends would take that way too seriously
*** And if we come up with a viable plan, we should do it, not roll dice

**** Greater Familicide is not a Sanctified spell under any circumstances.
***** Even if you're using it on Mosquitoes.
****** Even if the high priests of both Heironeous and Hextor are pooling their resources to fund this project.

[Rater202]

You, uh. Realize that you only need the last doctor to pull all the other ones out, right? They do remember their old personalities, have all the knowledge old doctors had, etc. Remembering a personality is not the same as retaining those personality traits, and there are cases of the Doctor forgetting some really important stuff that he used to know either due to regeneration sicnkess or it just being a really Long time since it last came up.

The Great Intelligence, for example, who'd The Doctor had encountered twice in his 2nd Incarnation but forgot about by his 12th(11th if discounting the War Doctor), or the 12th Doctor/13th incarnation not knowing where he's seen his new face before once he starts to get over his regeneration sickness

Between that and personality changes, creating a super doctor would require scanning the neurology of all 13 known incarnations.

*May not explain previous posts.

[TurboGhast]

* Must remember that not all weapons work at full effectiveness underwater.

* If you make the fish encounter too hardcore, then you need to fix it.

[Ikitavi]

* While it's a decent intimidation tactic, casting Unseen Servant to flap the Paladin's cape heroically while he's talking is not the best use of a spell slot.

As the duration of Unseen Servant is 1 hour/level, I precast that sucker for any important encounter. It doesn't require concentration, and you can change the task the Unseen Servant is attempting with a free action.

The meta-rule is, if a powergamer asks the GM for precise information on the effects of certain spells, say, "No surprising the GM, please. I will work with you and allow you to have hero-moments because of your cleverness, but I don't want the world broken by it."

So player asks, "Do ongoing spells cut off when you cross into a Rope Trick?"

As a fellow power gamer, I would still advise the GM to say NO! Because 3+ hours of uninterrupted mischief by an Unseen Servant that is within 30' of a kitchen, storage areas, or excitable people in general is a bad idea.

[goto124]

* While it's a decent intimidation tactic, casting Unseen Servant to flap the Paladin's cape heroically while he's talking is not the best use of a spell slot.

** Of course not, having the most feeble-looking member of the party kneel down to flap his cape makes for better intimidation.
*** Or the strongest-looking member of the party.

[JAL_1138]

*Bard colleges are not degree-granting institutions.

[Wookieetank]

* If you make the fish encounter too hardcore, then you need to fix it.

**Unless it is a swarm of carp
***Dire carp is not and never shall be a thing

[Rater202]

I can not enter my super mode while playing video games.

[JAL_1138]

* If you make the fish encounter too hardcore, then you need to fix it.


**Unless it is a swarm of carp
***Dire carp is not and never shall be a thing

Toady patched the fish. They haven't been that hardcore since 0.31 at least. Although Wookietank is correct, large schools of them are still dangerous.

Giant Sponges, while no longer invulnerable, are far more dangerous than carp.

[Anonymouswizard]

* When giving a PC a garment that will make them hot, must specify if it is on fire or not.

* May not refer to adamantine as styrofoam if I want to avoid being hit by the king's adamantine hammer.
** Despite my insistence otherwise, that is a valid threat.

[JAL_1138]

* May not refer to adamantine as styrofoam if I want to avoid being hit by the king's adamantine hammer.

That's because it's not styrofoam, it's "cotton candy."

*May not turn a GitP thread into a Bay12 thread.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot take rope if I don't know how to tie knots.
** Should not then critically fail a climb roll.

[Silus]

Pathfinder:
*I am no longer allowed to play a Titan Mauler Barbarian.
**I am no longer allowed to play a Large sized creature.
***I am no longer allowed to combine the two in any way.
****The Chainsaw weapon is henceforth prohibited to me.
*****DM: FOR THE LAST TIME NO YOU CAN'T PLAY A DRIDER WIELDING A TRUCK-SIZED CHAINSAW STOP ASKING

(Math: Huge Sized Chainsaw + Power Attack = 6d6 + 1.5 Strength +(2/4/6/8/10/12 + 50%), 19-20/x2 Crit)

[JAL_1138]

*If the DM requires backstory motivation for the character to be adventuring prior to the start of the campaign, mine may not be "to obtain the silliest hat ever made."
**My characters may not keep leaving the party as soon as there's a quest that doesn't directly and immediately further their preexisting motivation to adventure.
***When the DM finally relents and lets me play a generally-well-meaning random schmuck who was in the right place at the right time (or the wrong place at the wrong time, depending on perspective), may not be the one to end up getting the revolution to overthrow the corrupt government off the ground, nor generally be the most proactive do-gooder in the group.

[cavalieredraghi]

I can not enter my super mode while playing video games.

** Can not enter God of Conquest Mode.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

* I am no longer to trust my familiar with Wishes.
** If I do, I lose all right to complain about any subsequent cases of Sudden Onset Being A Dragon Syndrome.
*** Why on Oerth would you complain about SOBADS anyway?

* The solution to the dubious moral character of the populace is not Lycanthropy.
** Even if Werebears would provably solve almost every problem the city faces.
*** Cannot get the Cleric for discrimination because she called my entirely beneficial condition a curse.

[Wookieetank]

That's because it's not styrofoam, it's "cotton candy."

*May not turn a GitP thread into a Bay12 thread.

**When playing as a dwarf, my endgame is not to be looking for Hidden Fun Stuff or Clowns
***Creating Mermaid farms for export purposes is right out.

[DigoDragon]

* I may not serve tuna melts on Wednesdays, for that is Prince Spaghetti Day.

[Anonymouswizard]

* If I can't carry it, I can't loot it.
** May no longer buy donkeys.
*** May no longer buy carts.
**** May no longer buy wheels.
***** May no longer buy planks.
****** May no longer buy logs.
******* May no longer buy pulleys.
******** May no longer but rope.
********* May no longer hire henchmen.
********** No matter how clever my plan, I cannot loot the entire castle.
*********** May no longer buy axes.

[Wookieetank]

* If I can't carry it, I can't loot it.
** May no longer buy donkeys.
*** May no longer buy carts.
**** May no longer buy wheels.
***** May no longer buy planks.
****** May no longer buy logs.
******* May no longer buy pulleys.
******** May no longer but rope.
********* May no longer hire henchmen.
********** No matter how clever my plan, I cannot loot the entire castle.
*********** May no longer buy axes.

************May no longer buy bags of holding.
*************May no longer buy portable holes.
**************May no longer prepare levitate.
***************May no longer prepare Tensor's floating disk.
****************May no longer prepare teleport.
*****************May no longer prepare dimension door.
******************May no longer prepare giant's strength.
*******************May not get around any of the above with potions/scrolls/wands/etc.

[goto124]

*****DM: FOR THE LAST TIME NO YOU CAN'T PLAY A DRIDER WIELDING A TRUCK-SIZED CHAINSAW STOP ASKING

****** Must not ask if the Drider is male or female.
******* Cannot ask if sexual dimorphism is applied to Driders.

[Fable Wright]

****** Must not ask if the Drider is male or female.
******* Cannot ask if sexual dimorphism is applied to Driders.

Depends on edition. In 3.5, they're invariably women, as Lolth only tests her clergy, who are not allowed to be male. But are allowed to be Wizards and Sorcerers without a level of Cleric. (Scorrow, on the other hand, are allowed to be male or female, because Vulkoor doesn't discriminate. Vulkoor best Drow god.) In Pathfinder, either are allowed to become driders, where females are black widows below the waistline, and males are tarantula. Oh, and the male's fangs become mandibles, which is rather awkward when the females just develop fangs in their humanoid mouths.

[Rater202]

If at anypoint in time I can best be described as "One of everything Herekles killed," my monster PC is banned.

[Gallade]

*May no longer take Leadership as a Broodmother Conjuror with levels in Cleric, Control Undead, Animate Dead and a warhorse, and give each and every single one of my minions a separate nickname.

[JAL_1138]

*Forgotten Beasts are not acceptable homebrew-monster sources.

[Anonymouswizard]

* When the party succeeds we should not have a 3 hour planning session on how to deal with it.
** Must stop expecting to fail.

[Reltzik]

*** Unless we start expecting to fail at failing.

[NRSASD]

*Forgotten Beasts are not acceptable homebrew-monster sources.

**Their CR is all over the place
***How do you even stop a fire-breathing steel scorpion?
****How is a quivering blob of salt even alive?

[JAL_1138]

**Their CR is all over the place
***How do you even stop a fire-breathing steel scorpion?
****How is a quivering blob of salt even alive?

*****And let's not even attempt to figure out what a (contagious) venom syndrome that causes horrible necrosis and death within a few rounds, no save, does to the creature's Challenge rating.

[Wookieetank]

*Forgotten Beasts are not acceptable homebrew-monster sources.

**Using clowns instead is right out.

[JAL_1138]

*Dwarves did not go extinct because of housecats.

[goto124]

** Wizards managed to avoid extinction in spite of housecats, the dwarves have no excuse.

[Anonymouswizard]

* My ranger should not have +9 to hit at second level.
** Cannot point out that I have no reason not to take Sharpshooter ASAP, as it upgrades my damage to 1d8+15 before Hunter's Mark.
*** Should not be dealing more DPR than that raging Barbarian.

* Just because I can hit a random peasant on the other side of the city blindfolded, standing on one leg, singing the hedgehog song, balancing a pot on my head, undoing knots with my other foot, aiming for the voonerables, and facing the other direction unless I roll a one, I should not put this into practice.

[NRSASD]

*****And let's not even attempt to figure out what a (contagious) venom syndrome that causes horrible necrosis and death within a few rounds, no save, does to the creature's Challenge rating.

******Don't forget it self-replicates in water and is harder to remove than radioactive waste. We're talking an extinction-level grey goo scenario if it gets into the ocean.

*******Then again, this is from the game where rain that melts the flesh from your bones, then reanimates your now-contaminated skeleton to hunt down the survivors hiding underground, is all part of the weekly forecast in certain regions of the world.

********Don't use anything from Dwarf Fortress unless you want to simulate an apocalyptic setting in progress

[Gallade]

********Don't use anything from Dwarf Fortress unless you want to simulate an apocalyptic setting in progress

*********Also, don't use anything with Keter threat level from the SCP Foundation.
**********Especially 682

[GorinichSerpant]

*********Also, don't use anything with Keter threat level from the SCP Foundation.
**********Especially 682

***********If your a player, lolfoundation isn't the only response to Keter class SCPs

[JAL_1138]

** Wizards managed to avoid extinction in spite of housecats, the dwarves have no excuse.

The wizards get killed by cats directly via claws and teeth. With dorfs dwarves, it's something else entirely. (http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Catsplosion)

[Anonymouswizard]

* Engineers do not have to wear stovepipe hats.

[ZxxZ]

* My Level One Psionic Rogue shall not be able to have the ability to hit anything on a roll of a 1 whilst hidden
** When he has a higher hide bonus than the other sneak even with the -20 from sniping, I must rethink the character design
*** "There's no way he can make the save, and watching him panic is funny" is not a valid reason for Disableing the Barbarian

[goto124]

* Just because I can hit a random peasant on the other side of the city blindfolded, standing on one leg, singing the hedgehog song, balancing a pot on my head, undoing knots with my other foot, aiming for the voonerables, and facing the other direction unless I roll a one, I should not put this into practice.

** Because Murphy's Law dictates you will roll a one.


The wizards get killed by cats directly via claws and teeth. With dorfs dwarves, it's something else entirely. (http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Catsplosion)

*** Must not ask about cats having mind control over dwarves.

[ryu]

***********If your a player, lolfoundation isn't the only response to Keter class SCPs

************Besides, I thought we all mutually agreed that 682 was double keter, or in other words the inevitable end of all SCPs less dangerous than itself in addition to all non-SCP life on the planet.
*************If in D&D, even wizards. Especially wizards actually, because they're targeted first.

[JAL_1138]

* Just because I can hit a random peasant on the other side of the city blindfolded, standing on one leg, singing the hedgehog song, balancing a pot on my head, undoing knots with my other foot, aiming for the voonerables, and facing the other direction unless I roll a one, I should not put this into practice.

Well, you know what they say about million-to-one chances cropping up nine times out of ten...




*** Must not ask about cats having mind control over dwarves.


It has to do with how pets are chosen by the game.

Ordinarily in DF, a dorf selects a pet from nearby animals that aren't caged and aren't already assigned to anyone (e.g., stray dogs), or from one that's been assigned to them (e.g., war dogs).

Cats, however, assign themselves to a dorf instead. They can't be assigned to or adopted by a dorf otherwise. This is not a bug; they're coded that way deliberately. This has led to the running joke that it's mind-control.

[Wookieetank]

*********Also, don't use anything with Keter threat level from the SCP Foundation.
**********Especially 682

***********May not dismiss 682 as just a real life version of a Tarrasque.

*Having a dungeon full of statues and 173, while hilarious, is just mean.
**Saying "At least it wasn't a dungeon full of weeping angels", does not make it better.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot allow PCs to play Templars.
** When the entire city is in the jail, their superiors will start noticing.

* Cannot ask each player why their character is part of a trade caravan from Galg to Tyr.
** The campaign cannot be the PCs dealing with the aftermath of Kalak's death.
*** Cannot have the PCs going the other way either.

[Joe the Rat]

DM rules
* - When a new player creates a character that will trip another character's berserk buttons, you should warn someone.
** - No matter how amusing it may be.

[AquaLord]

In a WWII game, if riding in a troop transport plane i am not allowed to kill the pilot because "its more fun to jump from a crashing plane"

[JAL_1138]

*My neutral-good paladin should not be the one coming up with the "Axel Foley" bluffs when we have a thief and a bard in the party.

[Noyoki]

True strike is banned in tournaments of bowling.
*Even if there is no detectable way for someone see me cast it.

Can not have Hold portal and Knock prepared at the same time.

Not allowed to use Obscuring Mist.
*Using Ventriloquism in conjunction with OM to trick minor bosses and their mooks off a cliff-side is super banned.

Not allowed to use silent image to create a false image of the McGuffin inside a gelatinous cube for mooks to chase after.

Not allowed near important documents if I know the Erase spell.

While Glitterdust is a great spell for the paranoid wizard worried about invisible assassins, I am not allowed to to spread the magical equivalent of arts and crafts herpes on everything all the time.

Shrink Item cannot be used to crush an enemy to death

Mirrors no longer exist in any campaign where I play a wizard.
*If they do exist, they no longer bounce/reflect rays of any kind.

The disco ball of Scorching Ray is banned
*Disco is not allowed to exist in any form for that matter

The assassin class is banned

Not allowed to be a half-orc barbarian named Stubs
*Especially if he wields a warhammer
**If somehow allowed to play Stubs, not allowed to smash important NPC's foot with warhammer upon questioning of why his name is Stubs.

[JAL_1138]

*If the half-orc Fighter has the highest INT in the party, something has gone wrong.

[illyahr]

*If the half-orc Fighter has the highest INT in the party, something has gone wrong.

**Unless you are playin the Thogatogue.

[DigoDragon]

* No amount of diplomacy, bribery, or coercion will get me the permits to build an Orion Engine in my back yard.

[Fable Wright]

* No amount of diplomacy, bribery, or coercion will get me the permits to build an Orion Engine in my back yard.

** Not allowed to take this as a challenge.
*** Building one without a permit is a bad plan.
**** Attempting to declare a space station at a lunar Lagrange point an island nation will not help anything.
***** Even if it is technically in international waters.

* No longer allowed to finish thoughts that begin with "Well, if we get enough giant spiders..."
** No longer allowed to mention muffins and spiders in the same post.
*** Muffet's Pet is not a thing that PCs are allowed to craft. Ever. Stop trying.

[Anonymouswizard]

*If the half-orc Fighter has the highest INT in the party, something has gone wrong.

** The Half Orc cannot insist on still talking like Thog.

[JAL_1138]

** The Half Orc cannot insist on still talking like Thog.

***Krog am not to assert talky-man imposing human-ethnocentric standards on Krog. Krog think talky-man unfairly denigrate Orcish language, cultural idiomatic dialect and grammatical structure. Krog am eloquent in Krog native tongue.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not research Bardic Polymorph, which turns the target into a female of whatever species the caster chooses.
**Mainly because I'll get the entire town pregnant.

[Rater202]

If at any point in time my character has anywhere near the Power of Saitama and the skills and temperament of Taylor Herbert, they're banned.

[GorinichSerpant]

* May not research Bardic Polymorph, which turns the target into a female of whatever species the caster chooses.
**Mainly because I'll get the entire town pregnant.

***Bardic Polymorph can't transform a creature into a similar being but but changed to be biologically compatible with the caster and somewhat more humanoid.
****Keep your magical realm to yourself.

[DigoDragon]

**Mainly because I'll get the entire town pregnant.

*** May not feel sorry for the bard when he encounters a target wearing an at-will enchanted Vortex of Teeth undergarment.

#YesThisHappened

[the OOD]

* may not convince the party to make their characters into thinly disguised copies of the planeteers(Captain Planet).
** Especially may not do so behind the GM's back, so that he only realizes what has happened once the game has begun.

[Braininthejar2]

* Even if George R. R. Martin did it, I cannot throw anyone out of the airlock out of genre.

[Anonymouswizard]

* When playing a cleric I am meant to make a heavily armoured healer with a mace, not a medium armoured spellslinger with a glaive.
** Cannot justify the glaive with 'it's my god's holy weapon'.
*** Cannot use Animate Dead.
**** Must admit that the white haired pale woman in a black robe, with a polearm, a small army of undead, and a holy symbol in the shape of a skull is not a priestess of the God of sunshine and rainbows.
***** Especially if I've openly admitted her alignment is 'Lawful Neutral, leaning Lawful Evil'.
****** She does not care from where the Death flows, stop taking the villain alive!
******* Saturday is not set aside for peasant killing.

[DigoDragon]

* When playing a cleric I am meant to make a heavily armoured healer with a mace, not a medium armoured spellslinger with a glaive.

I made a lightly armored medic with a rapier once. :smallamused:

[Anonymouswizard]

I made a lightly armored medic with a rapier once. :smallamused:

Yeah, but she's specifically a priest of Death. I'm torn between a tanky person with 16 CON and 10 STR and DEX, and 16 STR with 10 CON. Leaning towards the latter and taking Warcaster, I'll rely on buffs instead of heavy armour (also, as I begin with 20 WIS, I can afford to spend my first few ASIs on DEX).

[Rater202]

*The Bio-Android does not get a Cutie Mark.

[illyahr]

Yeah, but she's specifically a priest of Death. I'm torn between a tanky person with 16 CON and 10 STR and DEX, and 16 STR with 10 CON. Leaning towards the latter and taking Warcaster, I'll rely on buffs instead of heavy armour (also, as I begin with 20 WIS, I can afford to spend my first few ASIs on DEX).

Hey, if you plan on becoming undead the low Con really doesn't matter. I made one that became a ghost with a Ghost Touch scythe. Lurking underground to cast inflict spells on my target's feet got books thrown at me. :smallbiggrin:

*May not lead the party to believe my cleric of death is somehow a cleric of a Good deity.

[cavalieredraghi]

*The Bio-Android does not get a Cutie Mark.

** Bio_Android should stop asking for blood from everyone he meets.

[Rater202]

** Bio_Android should stop asking for blood from everyone he meets.

***The Bio-Android is close to not needing to anymore.

[JAL_1138]

*My neutral cleric does not have to take profession: cheesemaker, profession: watchmaker, or profession: banker.

[cavalieredraghi]

***The Bio-Android is close to not needing to anymore.

****Will not attempt to prevent Android from becoming a God.

[Rater202]

****Will not attempt to prevent Android from becoming a God.

*****Especially since being a god means very little in this setting.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Eventually people will realise that there aren't strange 'Sevles', 'Sevrawds' and 'Snamuhs', and I'm just saying 'elves', 'dwarves' and 'humans' backwards.
** I am to blame if the GM homebrews a 'Nrobnogard'.

[JAL_1138]

* Eventually people will realise that there aren't strange 'Sevles', 'Sevrawds' and 'Snamuhs', and I'm just saying 'elves', 'dwarves' and 'humans' backwards.
** I am to blame if the GM homebrews a 'Nrobnogard'.

***The DM may also reveal themselves to be a drangorg and throw a group of Scro at the party.

[Sky]

* Eventually people will realise that there aren't strange 'Sevles', 'Sevrawds' and 'Snamuhs', and I'm just saying 'elves', 'dwarves' and 'humans' backwards.
** I am to blame if the GM homebrews a 'Nrobnogard'.

*** "Semongs" are right out.
****!!!!!!SEMONG ONG

[Anonymouswizard]

***The DM may also reveal themselves to be a drangorg and throw a group of Scro at the party.

Yep, Scro are where I got the idea from. I wonder if I can sneak 'sword elves' past people.


*** "Semongs" are right out.
****!!!!!!SEMONG ONG

:smalltongue:

* When creating example characters for a Birthright campaign, the priest should be close to a stereotypical Cleric.
** Certainly not a longbow-wielding worshipper of Avani (the sun goddess).
*** The fact that the fighter is a stereotypical sword+board nobleman doesn't help.

[DoctorFaust]

*I may no longer play characters who are capable of suplexing enemies while both in and out of his mech.

[Doorhandle]

*I may no longer play characters who are capable of suplexing enemies while both in and out of his mech.

*Especially if he can suplex a mech while NOT in a mech.
* "Metal Gear Revengeance did it" is not a valid excuse for anything.

[Anti-Eagle]

* Cannot claim I'm a vietnam war reenactor when security asks why I'm pouring gasoline all over their nice clean floors.
** If I somehow bluff them into thinking their bosses hired me to do this I can't proceed to pour gasoline onto them.
*** If I somehow bluff them into thinking that it's really just water that smells like gasoline I can't immediately start flicking unlit matches at them.
**** "Look I know I said you could use it for this job but building a character around using gasoline months in advance is just ridiculous." - paraphrased GM talk

[Flemkopf]

*I am never again to create a mad scientist character.
**My arcane focus for the lightning bolt spell cannot be a steam-punk looking contraption that I call "Twitchy."
***Calling Twitchy a pacifist if I flub a concentration check is frowned upon.
****Getting my party members to refer to Twitchy by name is fine, getting the colony of were jaguars to worship it is not.
*****When I attempt to speak a language I don't actually know and offer to teach the werejaguars to be "gods of thunder," I am not to be surprised when things go horribly, horribly wrong.

*May not preemptively stop the villagers from storming our house with pitchforks and torches by buying all the pitchforks and torches.
**If I do buy all the pitchforks I am not to use them as weapons.
***No, I am not allowed to pick up zombies with my pitchforks and pitch them into a river, even if it's to save the town.
****If I have just accidently poisoned the town's only water supply, asking for a bonus is probably not a good idea.
***** You know what, the villagers grab their scythes, sickles, and cutlery and drive you out of town.

[goto124]

***** You know what, the villagers grab their scythes, sickles, and cutlery and drive you out of town.

****** At no point should I ever say "they'll scoop your heart out with their spoons!"

[Reltzik]

* When the anti-paladin does a crit-smite against our friendly angel and the DM has to take a while figuring out all of the buffs, debuffs, and other modifiers in play before rolling damage, I'm not allowed to "help" the angel by shouting out random numbers to make math harder for the DM.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot have a random one of the party's nuclear grenades armed.
** Once the replacement clones arrive they should not have to get their equipment from the now radioactive equipment depot.
*** When asked where hazmat suits are, the Admin staff should not reply 'you were given 8 as part of your equipment'.
**** There is no Form Request Form Request Form.

* Cannot point out that, as we are using the Faerun gods, my Lawful Neutral priest of Kelemvor knows about the Wall of the Faithless, and is going to do her best to convert people to gods that she has proof of existing.
** Cannot know more about Faerun gods than the DM.
*** Cannot switch to a longsword and shield build just because Kelemvor prefers the bastard sword (which was combined with the longsword in 5e).

* Cannot buy the sorceress clothing.
** Must stop praying to Kelemvor for the summon clothing spell.
*** Multiclassing into wizard just to put illusory clothes on the sorceress is bad form.
**** Especially when my clothes are either 'black robes' or 'highly used'.

* The creepy 8 Charisma priestess of Kelemvor should not be the one who best fits into high society.
** The fact that this is due to her body count being the lowest says a lot.

[ZxxZ]

* Cannot have a random one of the party's nuclear grenades armed.
** Once the replacement clones arrive they should not have to get their equipment from the now radioactive equipment depot.
*** When asked where hazmat suits are, the Admin staff should not reply 'you were given 8 as part of your equipment'.
**** There is no Form Request Form Request Form.

***** To obtain a Form Request Form,you must file an appropriately designated Form Request Form

* The Factotum does not need to quip, "I read a book about this, it should work in theory" before every single action
** Not shall he be a direct expy of MacGuyver
*** Horatio Hornblower is also pushing it

[Doorhandle]

*Despite being the plotline for a good 50% of all magna these days, Cannot be a guy transported in from a normal modern universe.
** Especially if he's a soldier, doctor or other useful person rather than the typical obnoxious NEET.
*** If I am the NEET, I still should have a stat above 10, even if it makes no sense.

*If my character is joining an adventuring party, it's assumed it's because I have something useful to offer, rather than because no other group will take me
** "Because then maybe someone will keep an eye on that sociopathic freak" isn't much better.
***Cannot pour on the waterworks if I'm still refused entry.
****Especially if i'm the second one.

*If I am playing a single-class mage past level 1, I must be able to cast more than one spell a day.
**Even if it is a really good one.
***There are, in fact, problems that cannot be solved by a properly meta-magiced fireball.
****This does not mean you switch to orb of force instead.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot create a device to interfere with my enemy's magic devices.
** Dispel Grenades are classified as weapons of war.
*** As are Anti-magic Field Bombs.
**** Put down the Disjunction Canon.

* My god is not Semong, God of Experimental Devices.
** He does not pull double duty as the God of Insanely Overpowered Fireballs.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

**** Put down the Disjunction Canon.
***** Should probably not mess with the Regular Canon either.
****** Don't even think about the Disjunction Cannon.

[Anonymouswizard]

***** Should probably not mess with the Regular Canon either.

****** Cannot point out that, as a Cleric, I get proficiency with both.
******* May not claim that the misspelling was intentional