Sorry if this is overly dramatic...

[Draculstar]

From the time I started grade school until about four years ago, I was tortured and physically abused by my peers. I've been locked in a box for hours on end, which happened on and off every day for years. I've had boiling tar poured on my back, I've had my chest cut open so the freaks could "play doctor", and I've had a hot poker stabbed into my belly. I told my parents I was just bullied, and they never knew about the things that really happened.

Then my family moved (I think I was in 7th or 8th grade), and things changed. I made friends, and excelled in school. I met my girlfriend in my junior year of high school. I skipped senior year with a program that gave me a diploma a year early for meeting and exceeding expectations.

At the beginning of this time period I did self -harm, and other stupid things I shouldn't have. I stopped when my girlfriend convinced me to stop...

Last year, at the beginning of my first semester of college, I was diagnosed with cancer in my heart, lungs, and liver. I was supposed to die before my 18th birthday, last December. I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder and dyslexia, but those weren't really any concern to me at the time.

I was bent up over it, but I was determined to live, and live happily. No one knew except for me and my doctors.

My girlfriend became my fiance, I flunked my first semester of college, and prepared myself for this one. Things got rocky, and I found myself in the hospital. Again, no one besides me and my doctors knew why I was there, and I made sure that if my fiance saw me, it was out on a date or at college, or at her parents' house. My parents never really saw me anyway, since I kind of left them alone for the most part. I found out my girlfriend is abusive in the middle of December, and I wasn't really bothered by it, but she felt terribly guilty. She got distant, and then we started knitting oursleves back together, slowly.

I got better, for a couple of weeks. Things started going okay. We trusted each other, for the most part, despite regular issues that we worked on as we went.

Then at the end of this past month, my fiance cheated on me, with a guy who she knows to be a massive player, but she thinks he "respects her", despite basically asking if she wanted to go have sex in a closet, because she thinks he only has "relationship trouble" because he's been "broken" by his father. She trusts him too much, because she has known him for three years. I don't believe his sob story, but I also don't have any real reason not to believe it. My fiance and I decided to try and work through things. Her friend helped us talk (and she told me that the guy was a player, before we all talked together, and even mentioned to me that she told my fiance that the guy was a player months ago), and mediated for us fairly well.

The cancer has been getting worse, and she just broke up with me yesterday, because she has fallen for that player she cheated on me with before. My doctor told me more bad news, earlier today. I can still walk, as of right now, but my insides are basically super squishy, and I might die if I fall down the wrong way.

Right now, I feel completely inadequate. I feel torn apart. I feel like my entire world has been destroyed, rebuilt, and then given another apocalypse. I feel weak. I feel hollow. I feel beaten and battered and bruised. I feel like I should just give up at this point. I feel stupid to even tell anyone about any of this, but I needed some questions answered, by people who aren't involved.

Is there any way to make sure she doesn't ruin her life with this other guy? I don't care if she is with me or not. I just want her to truly find a happy life, and I know she won't find it with a guy who only wants to have sex with her and dump her.

Is there any reason I should even care about my cancer any more? I'm almost hoping I'll die soon, because things can always get worse.

[TechnOkami]

Well, let's start this off by confirming a little thing. The fact that you have come to a forum and stated all this directly says that, a.) you are looking for help, and b.) you have not given up on hope. Both of these are good things.

The fact that you suffered so much, rebuilt yourself, then suffered it all over again is really, really unfortunate, and you have my condolences for that. Ultimately though, you have to come to terms with the fact that it all happened, and that life is full of suffering. It's really unfortunate that you had to suffer again, but the fact that you endured all of that the first time means that you can suffer it again. I know you don't want to and I know it'll be hard, but you largely don't have a choice in the matter. So, take solace in the fact that you are choosing to reach out for help, and that people like me are more than willing to help you as much as we can with our thoughts.

As far as wishing your former fiancee has a happier life, all you can really do is wish. The thing is, she made her choice to leave you, and you should not worry about her life since she chose to not be a part of your life anymore. To be frank, she's screwing herself over now, and though your willingness to wish her a happy life is completely acceptable and understandable, you shouldn't completely lean on it for your mental health and stability. You cannot seek completeness in someone who rejected you. The best route is to find completeness in yourself, and that is a difficult thing to achieve. Hell, I don't feel like I've achieved it. It's something we all work on, and I suspect it happens, we don't realize it's happening or has happened, and it's something we just need to naturally let happen by allowing ourselves to feel complete and content rather than constantly striving and hungering for more than we can chew out of life. I dunno, it's complicated.

And there are a multitude, a, multitude of reasons why you should care about your cancer. One, though things suck now it will get better. It will always get better, no matter how much time it takes. I obviously can't recommend anything medical due to forum rules and my lack of knowledge about it, but in general I would say you should talk more to your doctor about it and try and get treated for it, if you can. There are always reasons to live, because there are always things that you like to do and things you just generally like, and if you choose to end it all you can no longer experience any of it. Ever. Permanently. Personally I would never do that as an option, ever. Not ever. No matter how tempting it is. Not only do you bar yourself from everything forever, you multiply your pain onto those closest to you. Hell, even the people who find your rotting corpse after you off yourself will feel bad in the fact that they couldn't do anything for you, so never, NEVER look at it as an option, because it's not.

Hope that helps, feel better my friend.

[Draculstar]

I s'pose all of that is true. It makes sense.

If I keep fighting this, though... I mean, I'll pay off my debt... I'm in school to be an engineer, so I'll have work. What do I do, besides that?

[TechnOkami]

Enjoy life? Do things you like doing? Distract yourself with the things you like to do? Pick up new hobbies. I dunno man, it's a big world. You do you.

[blunk]

Hey.

"Is there any way to make sure she doesn't ruin her life with this other guy?"

No. But you know what? Most of us "ruin" our lives, in one way or another. Very few of us make all the right decisions, and most of us make very wrong ones, at least once or thrice. You can tell her what you think, advise her away from her current course. After that, it's her decision.

"Is there any reason I should even care about my cancer any more? ... I'll have work. What do I do, besides that?"

This is perhaps *the* question. Life is funny - we don't ask to be here (as far as we can remember), and by default, the body dies. Yet for some reason we're expected to fight to live, and generally we do. But philosophically, it's a difficult question. If jumping off a cliff is wrong, what about eating a chocolate square rather than a broccoli floret, or what about not taking a walk? All those choices affect your life expectancy to varying degrees. What about something in-between, like not fighting a debilitating illness quite as hard as you could? I think it's above the pay grade of any of us mortals to give you a definite answer to that, especially without presuming things about your situation and beliefs.

I wish I had something more cheery or inspiring or certain for you, but you're where the rubber meets the road, and at a much younger age than most people are when they get there, so I'd rather be as frank as I know how.

Whatever you decide, at least one random Internet person will be thinking about you, without trying to judge what's right or wrong for you. Thank you for reaching out.

[Draculstar]

I appreciate your forthrightness.

I think that, for now, I'll just talk to as many people as I can and look for ideas.

[Velaryon]

I'm not sure whether anything I can say will be of use to you, but I'll try nonetheless.

First of all, you only have the time that you have. None of us know how long we'll be here, and you have more reason than most to be conscious of that. I know you won't be able to put aside thoughts of your ex and just move on, but try and make that your goal anyway. She wronged you, and she doesn't deserve your time anymore. I think it's admirable that you hope she has a good life - I felt the same when my ex dumped me, at least at first - but you can't worry about her making mistakes or ruining her life. She made her choice, and even if you're right about the guy and she's wrong, she'll never learn better if she doesn't experience the consequences of that choice. To the best of your ability (and believe me, I know exactly how hard this is) let her worry about her, you've got you to take care of.

There is a saying that "time heals all wounds." I don't think it's always true, but at least time scabs the wounds over and heals them somewhat. I don't know what the best thing is for you to do right now, but I think spending time with your friends and finding something that you can put your time and energy into and enjoy (something that occupies your mind so that you won't dwell on your misfortune) is a good idea.

I hope that things get better for you from here. :smallsmile:

[blunk]

Good idea. Maybe somebody will say something that really resonates with you.

[Polyphia]

your current position in life isnt permanent. where you are currently wont be where you are in the future. it can and will get better, it just takes time and the will to endure all the hard things life throws at you. surround yourself with all the little things that make you happy, remind yourself that its the little things that bring joy to your heart that matter, not all the other ****ty things. if you focus on the negatives, then all you'll see is negative. i know it'd be hard in your current situation but just force your brain to think positively. even just one positive thought a day can go a long way. every day think of a new reason to love life, remind yourself of one thing that makes you happy. maybe you can do what i do, and treat yourself to good food whenever you feel really down because no matter how bad life gets, food will always taste good.