Optimisation challenge: Rude Furnishings

[Jormengand]

The rules for secure shelter state:

The secure shelter contains rude furnishings —eight bunks, a trestle table, eight stools, and a writing desk.

Now, the obvious response, of course, is:

It's magic and the furnishings talk back - rudely. I'm pretty sure someone will find a way to weaponize that. :smalltongue:

My challenge to you, then: can you optimise the fact that the furnishings are rude? :smalltongue:

[ATHATH]

Helm of Opposite Alignment, perhaps?

[illyahr]

The feat Goad. Your enemy has to get through all your furniture before he can come after you. :smallbiggrin:

[Jormengand]

The feat Goad. Your enemy has to get through all your furniture before he can come after you. :smallbiggrin:

I like this one. :smallbiggrin:

Wondering what the Helm of Opposite Alignment trick is for. Rude doesn't necessarily mean evil, but if we assume they are, what are you doing with your HoOA? Making a legion of paladin chairs?

[Bobby Baratheon]

1) Trick BBEG (or just a henchman) into sitting into paladin chairs.
2) Use magic/force to chain him to the chair (maybe a trap?).
3) Enjoy popcorn while the chairs smite the BBEG's nether regions.

[Jormengand]

Unfortunately, animated objects don't advance by character class (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/animatedObject.htm). You'll have difficulty making the chair paladins.

[daremetoidareyo]

Allow me to pull out my customized bluff handbook.

SHARN CITY OF TWO TOWERS
Legal Debate:
While circumstances can be an important mitigating factor, the fact of the matter is that the skill of the barrister plays the most important role in the outcome of the case. Over the course of the trial, each barrister makes three Profession (barrister) checks; compare the results, with the higher total winning the round. Whoever wins two out of three rounds wins the case. The DM should modify these rolls based on the circumstances of the case. If the jury is hostile, the prosecuting barrister receives a +1 to +5 circumstance bonus; if the jury is friendly, the defending barrister receives this bonus. A barrister with at least 5 ranks of Bluff or Diplomacy receives a +2 synergy bonus on his check; these bonuses are cumulative. There is no rule stating that a recognized barrister must represent a defendant, so a character can choose to speak in his own defense or to appoint a friend as his advocate.

I'm sure the furniture can make a jury quite hostile.

Sword and Fist
Seduction: You can use Bluff to convince members of the opposite sex to believe that your romantic intentions are sincere, persuading him or her to do you a small, temporary favor (such as looking the other way as you climb up the wall and into the window, or giving you the password that allows you to pass safely by the guards.) This action cannot be used during combat.

ummm...You find the relevance...

Actually, if they can aid another on this skill, well...who wouldn't want a writing desk as a wingman.

Races of Stone
For some jaded or mean-spirited souls, part of the fun of viewing a performance includes attempting to heckle performers into making mistakes. They use this skill to influence performers or public speakers and disrupt their efforts.
Check: Heckling involves making a Bluff check opposed by the target’s Concentration check. More than one person can aid a heckler, using the aid another action (see page 65 of the Player’s Handbook), by making a DC 10 Bluff check.
If you succeed, the performer is distracted by your abuse and taunts, and he must make an immediate Perform check with a –2 penalty. For every 5 points by which your Bluff check exceeds the performer’s Concentration check, the penalty worsens by an additional 2. (So a Bluff check that beats the Concentration check by 11 results in a –6 penalty.) This new Perform check is required even if the performer has already made one or more successful checks during the same performance, and the result of the new Perform check replaces any previous result.
If your Bluff check is unsuccessful, the audience sides with the performer, admiring his composure under fire. The performer receives a +2 circumstance bonus on Perform checks for the remainder of the performance, and you have probably now offended the crowd. At the DM’s option, you might have angered powerful nobles in attendance, or you could suffer attack at the hands of an unruly bar crowd—effects vary depending on the setting and mood of the audience. Even if you succeed on the heckle attempt, a Action: An attempt to heckle takes 1 minute.

The furniture would be making untrained bluff checks, and thus can grant those "bonuses" to a performer that it "likes"! They can aid each other to really get good results. The relevant text for abuse is here "and you have probably now offended the crowd. At the DM’s option, you might have angered powerful nobles in attendance, or you could suffer attack at the hands of an unruly bar crowd—effects vary depending on the setting and mood of the audience."

Heroes of battle
Use this skill to create a sense of confidence in your troops. You can make a group of soldiers believe they are stronger than they actually are, bolstering their morale temporarily. You can also convince them that an enemy force is not quite as powerful as they believe it to be, or that a mission is less dangerous than it truly is. This bolstered confidence does not necessarily last long, and your words might be quickly forgotten if the tide of battle turns against the troops. Check: Your successful Bluff check opposed by your troops’ Sense Motive check (consider a group of new recruits to have a +1 Sense Motive modifier for this purpose) provides the affected targets a +2 bonus on their next morale check. However, those same troops have a –2 penalty on every subsequent morale check in that battle. The –2 penalty endures past the current battle if the same commander is left in charge of the unit.

Can't be used on troops of higher level than yourself...what level is the furniture?


That doesn't seem like enough... Let me check my intimidate guide.

SRD
Untrained demoralization checks?

BOVD - Torture rules. Strap someone to that writing desk and start clubbing him with one of the stools. Under the dagger heading on page 38: "Dagger: Any weapon could be used as a device of torture, though traditional weapons do their jobs too well" Non traditional weapons might do well as well. Probably adds a circumstance bonus to the intimidate check...

Cityscape
Picking a Fight: The tavern brawl is a staple of many D&D adventures—a chance for PCs to fight in a less deadly way.
Intimidation: Most bar fights start not with a thrown punch but a thrown insult. To taunt a bar patron, make an Intimidate check opposed by the target’s modified level check (1d20 + character level or Hit Dice + target’s Wis bonus [if any] + target’s modifiers on saves against fear). If you succeed, the target glowers but doesn’t counter your insult. If you fail, the target responds with an insult directed at you. If you fail by 5 or more, the target throws a punch at you.

Pair this with the legal debate and the heckling. Untrained checks all over the place during tense times.

Sandstorm
If you can’t go where you need to by camel—whether because of excess gear or distance—you’ll need some other form of transport. Some vehicles, such as the frame wheel and sledge, are moved by muscle power. The Handle Animal skill is used only if that power comes from a team of draft animals. When the team consists of creatures with Intelligence scores of 3 or higher, the operative skill is Diplomacy. When they are forced labor, the operative skill is Intimidate.


Put your furniture on a sled and they can use untrained intimidate checks to move around the world...heckling lawyers at court. They will need to aid another to keep the slaves from revolting.

Lords of darkness
p. 125 The Ritual of the Shadowmantle: The recipient of this ritual gains the ability to surround herself with a cloak of flickering, undulating shadows that she can shape into a frightening mantle. She can invoke this power once per day, with a duration of 1 minute. The recipient gains a +2 circumstance bonus on all Intimidate checks and a +1 deflection bonus to Armor Class. While surrounded by the mantle, the recipient also gains darkvision with a range of 60 feet and a +3 saving throw bonus against any holy, good, or light spells or effects. Sharran clergy typically utilize this ritual as a means of displaying their power, and to frighten or cow their enemies. The recipient must surrender 500 XP and offer a black sapphire worth at least 2,000 gp to Shar.


A ritual of transference (http://archive.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/we/20060526a) will give the furniture the xp they need. Messing up court cases by seducing the jury will earn the money from corrupt lawyers. Obviously, such evil furniture would indeed worship Shar.

If you can find a way to grant the furniture 3 intelligence, thanks to your darkmantle, you have sight, and thus you can use duel of wills (TOB) for those bar brawls that you start. Hanging out with your fellow Shar patrons to attract a chain companion spirit DMG2, Which grants you a 10 point pool from which to intimidate from. Then unanimously vote to kick the spellcaster out of the party. The chain spirit can stay, he keeps the pen on the desk.

DMG
Directing Crowds: It takes a DC 15 Diplomacy check or DC 20 Intimidate check to convince a crowd to move in a particular direction, and the crowd must be able to hear or see the character making the attempt. It takes a full-round action to make the Diplomacy check, but only a free action to make the Intimidate check.
If two or more characters are trying to direct a crowd in different directions, they make opposed Diplomacy or Intimidate checks to determine whom the crowd listens to. The crowd ignores everyone if none of the characters’ check results beat the DCs given above.

Free action riot starting after seducing the jury during an important trial and then picking a fight with the judge and winning the duel of wills. Each piece of furniture gets a try. or they can aid another.

Complete Scoundrel:
Stuff the furniture down the otyough hole for a week to heckle the otyough to get skill focus intimidate.

Cityscape again
Duties: Each member of a government guild must spend at least 10 hours a week working for the guild.
Favored Benefits: The character gains a +1 bonus on Diplomacy and Intimidate checks with members of any guild. (When dealing with members of his own guild, these bonuses stack with the standard guild bonuses.)

Join a Government guild...or get requisitioned???

....Or just intimidate someone into forging nameplates for you..."Property of King's guild"

Complete adventurer
At the DM’s discretion, you can forge documents that grant a +2 circumstance bonus on a specific Bluff, Diplomacy, or Intimidate check. These false credentials become, in effect, the perfect tool for the job and provide a bonus much like the bonuses provided to other skills by masterwork tools. Unlike other bonuses, these apply only when you present the documents and the creature you are interacting with does not detect the forgery.

Not bad...To sum up, your furniture can travel if it has access to a sled and some slaves. The furniture can start fights, seduce the population, direct crowds, develop darkvision, attract a spiritual crony, get a bonus feat which can be dark chaos shuffled into anything. It can lie to troops to destroy their morale and it can generate money through all of it's monkey wrenching activities. If Dark chaos is embraced and shuffled, master manipulator (phb2) is a good choice, so is open mind, so that you actually get skill points...then you can forge your own stuff.

[Jormengand]

I admit, daremetoidareyo, I laughed hard at that. Well done, you have successfully optimised the rude furniture. Have a cookie.

Honestly, I think it proves that you're one of the finest optimising minds on the forum when you can optimise the word rude into getting furniture to travel the world on a sled getting people convicted. Well done. Bloody well done.

[Troacctid]

I'm surprised you read it as talking furniture. In my mind, rude furniture would be along the lines of, like, you know those chairs that are shaped like hands? Imagine chairs shaped like hands, except they're all giving the middle finger. Or instead of being shaped like hands, they're shaped like...other, more obscene things. Or perhaps they just have rude graffiti on them.

Even if you assume they talk—and I don't think there's any reason to assume that—I don't believe a Magic Mouth effect can do things like make an Intimidate check.

[daremetoidareyo]

I'm surprised you read it as talking furniture. In my mind, rude furniture would be along the lines of, like, you know those chairs that are shaped like hands? Imagine chairs shaped like hands, except they're all giving the middle finger. Or instead of being shaped like hands, they're shaped like...other, more obscene things. Or perhaps they just have rude graffiti on them.

Even if you assume they talk—and I don't think there's any reason to assume that—I don't believe a Magic Mouth effect can do things like make an Intimidate check.

I was just working off the OP. I don't know what the secure shelter is or where it is from. But, in light of your analysis, it does make that seduction untrained check a bit more vulgar ;) ...Cue Marvin Gaye...

Can the undead or a construct make a concentration check? If so, stat N/A may inflict no bonus modifier at all on skill checks. All this furniture is is a construct with stats of "-" for everything. Heck, they even got hardness and hit points. And while I agree with you that this is not table appropriate without the furniture at least explicitly being given the power of speech, we can freely admit that a magic item near the furniture emanating a constant effect of the custom first level spell "speak with furniture" would totally work, and this particularly rude furniture could use these skills...

[Troacctid]

You can use Stone Tell to speak with stone furniture, I suppose. But there's nothing in the text of Secure Shelter to indicate that it creates such an effect. I think the rudeness is strictly visual.

[ben-zayb]

IIRC there is a RAW for heckling/jeering someone making a Perform check. Can't remember which book that is from, though.

[Jormengand]

IIRC there is a RAW for heckling/jeering someone making a Perform check. Can't remember which book that is from, though.

Races of stone, above.

For amusement value, we're going to go with the furnishings being actively rude, rather than passively rude, just because a middle finger hand-chair or a phallic bunk isn't actually quite as optimisable.

[daremetoidareyo]

You can use Stone Tell to speak with stone furniture, I suppose. But there's nothing in the text of Secure Shelter to indicate that it creates such an effect. I think the rudeness is strictly visual.

I found it. It appears that you are correct. But, that stone tell item, what a good idea.

And it looks like the use of the word rude was supposed to be crude. But... it's not in the erratta...Haha.

The spell description specifically calls out the shelter as stone, but it may be a stretch too far to assume that the furniture is stone as well. Stone bunk? eww. Especially in light of the shelter being comprised of relevant environmental construction. Isn't there a spell that allows you talk to objects?

[Jormengand]

And it looks like the use of the word rude was supposed to be crude. But... it's not in the erratta...Haha.

Actually, rude can be used to mean of low craftsmanship. We're just assuming it means impolite because that's more fun.

[dspeyer]

It's been said that objects can't advance by character class, but surely there's an exception for a rude chair that wants to become a palaquin of tyranny.

[Troacctid]

It could be a Psion, psionic-sandwich'd into the body of a chair. That would explain why it's so rude. I'd probably be inclined to coarse language too, if people kept sitting on me.

[daremetoidareyo]

Found it.

8th level druid spell from masters of the wild, speak with anything can be fashioned into a custom wondrous item that allows rude furniture to be spoken to within X amount of radius.

Permenancy the secure shelter so that you can have permenant rude furniture to throw down the otyough hole for a week.

Buy some slaves, and set your rude furniture to work.

[Bobby Baratheon]

Unfortunately, animated objects don't advance by character class (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/animatedObject.htm). You'll have difficulty making the chair paladins.

I know :smallsmile: It's a joke.

[Ger. Bessa]

If the rude furniture is rude, can we assume that the writing desk can write ? (Rude things, obviously).

[Jormengand]

If the rude furniture is rude, can we assume that the writing desk can write ? (Rude things, obviously).

Ah, the writing desk. Of course. Go for it.

[Inevitability]

Train the furnishings to say enraging things, then use the Secure Shelter as a way to quickly become afflicted with Festering Anger.

[Jormengand]

If you use Imbue with Spell Ability (Ways to increase wisdom? The int nonability is treated as 10, I think? Or can we give it an Int?), Heroics, Embrace the Dark Chaos and Shun the Dark Chaos on the writing desk, maybe it can scribe scrolls?

Also, it can spam forgeries at a +8 bonus to forge military orders. Then again, it can only order people rudely, so I dunno...

[Heliomance]

It's been said that objects can't advance by character class, but surely there's an exception for a rude chair that wants to become a palaquin of tyranny.

Why is there no Like feature?

[nedz]

Actually: if you were to cast Invisible Spell Secure Shelter then you would have no idea where the insults were coming from.

[Darrin]

Can a gazebo fit inside the shelter? Because, hey, if any furniture was asking for it...