Short story / prologue seeking feedback

[raloris]

Hello everyone, i'm a long time reader of GITP, and often read the gaming and d20 forums. But I must admit I only recently (today) bumped into this part of the forum. I've had a brief read of the forum rules, so if I have posted this incorrectly, or made an incorrect assumption of the nature of this forum, please tell me so :)

But to the point of the thread! :
I've written a short story (It was/is intended to be a prologue for a greater story), i've never had my work read by anyone other than myself for the most part and would really appreciate some feedback on my writing.

http://intrepid-kings.com/MarchonHillis.pdf

(You may need to add www. at the start, i'm not 100% sure)

Cheers in advance (Be as brutal as need be, i'll take no offense)

[raloris]

I'm not 100% sure on the rule on bumping threads here, but 54 views and not one reply , sad panda :(

Is it that god awful? (even if it is, someone speak to me, so lonely :)

[Jimorian]

Thanks for sharing, raloris, I know it's tough to show what you've been working on for the first time. :smallsmile:

I can see how this was meant as a prologue, since it really doesn't stand alone as a story. What I mean is that the main character really doesn't get a chance to do much except react to what's going on around him. A full story usually has the character develop and change in some way as a result of what's going on, and there just wasn't a real opportunity for that here.

As for the writing, it's ok, but not as "smooth" as you'd see from more experienced writers. That's ok, though, this is something that improves the more practice you get.

What I think you did very well, however, is give us a very good idea of who Nelkar is in such a short space -- his regrets at leaving the city and the reluctance he goes about every task of a life he doesn't want any more. The lethargy he shows about leaving despite the warning is a great touch showing how deep his despair has become. This all also meshes very well with the events, because his mistake of moving to the country that makes him merely unhappy then becomes the mistake that leads to him losing everything.

That's the kind of thing that brings a depth to writing that a lot of people never get the hang of. They may write perfectly decent sentences and descriptions, but they never create the kinds of connections and layers between the elements of the story to make it something worth reading.

In other words, the same scene with Rasilla and his family as the main characters is merely sad, but with Nelkar having made the choice to be there, his end becomes truly tragic.

I think you have a good start here. Keep at it! :smallbiggrin: