Out of context D&D quotes

[AmbientRaven]

So had a few funnies tonight, and, after chatting with my play group, I thought I would see the funny random out of context quotes from your folks games!

here are some of the favourites form my game!

--
Guard "Put down the flowers and surrender goliath"
Goliath "I just want to smell pretty things!"
--
"Roll insight to detect the cats motives"
--
Bard: "I was defending myself?"
Druid: "It was a mouse!!"
--
"Dignity doesn't get our dwarf out of jail"

What are some of your favorites?

[gameogre]

LG Cleric "It's our last chance to destroy the children"
LG Paladin "I will wait in the stands and ambush any who try to escape"
CN Rogue "You guys are sick! I can't be a part of this"

*The Children was the name of a team of cheating Dragonball players(and cultists) who were fixing games. The Party stopped them despite the bard and rogue making tons of money off the knowledge.

Ranger "I hate animals"
Druid "What about Penguins?"
Ranger "ok yeah, Penguins are awesome!"
Druid *Is now a Penguin,Waddles up to the ranger.
Ranger "Awww! You are so my animal companion now.
Players turn to the DM "Make this happen!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Cleric: "Step back, I am going to pour this barrel of oil down the passageway and set fire to it .. that should defeat the insect swarm." *cask broach* *Dwarf and cleric tip barrel* Rogue tosses torch.

Barbarian: Ignores cleric et al and swings axe at insect swarm.

As he was already raging, the damage reduction was sufficient to keep him alive, as was a quick healing word. And yes, the bugs were burned up.

[Aelyn]

"It's simple. We just need to poop in the fountain."

[Ralanr]

"There's a guy in need of healing that he's throwing hammers at!"
***
"I took lightning to the face!"
"I got eaten!"
"I scraped my knee."

[Fwiffo86]

Paladin: "Hey, if I turn undead, can I turn back?"

<><><><><>

Fighter and druid pinned in a corner by giant lizards

Fighter: (reaching back behind himself to the druid) "CROSSBOW!"

Druid: "Sorry, that's against my religion!"

[Regitnui]

"More pipeweed!"

[Pikkle]

When discussing a spell target, "Unconscious counts as willing".

[Gtdead]

So we start a new dnd game, and one of the players is playing a mathematician type.

We start at an inn, but everyone is in their own rooms.

He rolls highest initiative, game starts.
"I roll intelligence to develop calculus"
"A hole opens in the ground and devours you, make another character"

I felt so proud for the DM. He wasn't that bright in general, but he spoke the exact thing that the players thought at that moment.

[JumboWheat01]

"Roll insight to detect the cats motives"

I hope that roll failed. You can never tell what a cat is thinking. NEVER.


Of course, my favorite from our bunch:
"What's the damage of a halfling used as an improvised weapon?"

[thorr-kan]

I hope that roll failed. You can never tell what a cat is thinking. NEVER.
Bull.

The cat's *ALWAYS* thinking, "Subcreature. OBEY ME!"

[thorr-kan]

"I backstab the lich."

[Oramac]

"C'mon preacher, you have to bury someone and marry someone!"

We were playing Strahd and in the initial town we found some guy who wanted to get his sister to another town to the west, and their father had died.

One of our players decided he wanted to marry the sister, and spent a lot of effort to woo her (and actually did surprisingly well). So our group promised to hold a funeral for her father and get her married to the PC at the little church to the northwest.

The pastor (or whatever he was) at the church was dragging his feet, so my character chimes in with the quote above.

[Sir cryosin]

Druid looking at a carving on a wall rolls high for perception
DM start to describe the forest scenery in small creatures and whatnot.
Druid chimes in " remindes me of home"
Dm " if home was lynching people".
She didn't let him finish describing it

[Sir cryosin]

Player: can I roll a **** check?
DM: what????
Player: can I roll to see if his character is a **** to.
DM: no your going to see.

Edited wow I can't say the D word ok.

[PoeticDwarf]

I do not want to ruin the fun. Bit there is a thread for this on the roleplaying forum...

[Demonslayer666]

Great thread!

I don't care if there is another thread, I'm replying here since you didn't link it. :)

We specifically keep a quote book just for this reason. Some of the comments need to be saved for eternity.

The best and all time favorite of our group, "what does pink taste like?" (lifesaver suckers provided as snacks, killed the group in laughter for a good 5 minutes)

Other good ones:
"We're gonna need more cats." (after seeing more guard dogs)
"He's gonna need Urgent Prayer."
"You're just making it a little less of a Gentle Repose"
"I really should explore my Nook some more." (Nook e-reader)
"I wish you were a female sometimes. We could bond in that area."
"My other group of friends take me seriously!"
"What's a lizard check?" (misheard listen check)
"How long is a 5' rope?"
"AC 20! I finally hit!" followed by "-4 for shooting into melee..."
"I can't open doors! I'm a ranger!"
"Kavin should be named Spelunkin."
"The cave is empty. There is a pile of treasure in the back of the cave."
"How can I take any damage when I am stoned?!?"
"But you know! You're the GM!"
"Aren't you guys tired of getting stiffed?" (talking to all the whores)

[PeteNutButter]

Just from last night:

"If I move will he still be inside of me?"

There was some manner of incorporeal undead "inside" of the fighter.

[Sir cryosin]

Just from last night:

"If I move will he still be inside of me?"

There was some manner of incorporeal undead "inside" of the fighter.

Haha are fighter which is a female irl and in game was possesed and there were all kinds of jokes. Good thing she know how to take a joke and dished them out to.

[JackPhoenix]

You know, for out of context quotes, there's a lot of context included in some posts.

Anyway...

*the DM rolls* "Looks like you've been arrested for something during the downtime. Any idea what it was?"
Elven Inquisitor of the Church of the Silver Flame. "I dunno, knowing my character, propably for getting drunk and dancing naked on the table."

"How about we put you in a bag, I'll haul it on my back and you'll pretend you're a sack of potatoes?"

"I watch for more zombies."
"I'll heal my injuries from the battle."
"I'll cry because I broke a nail"

[swrider]

"I just held the knife to his neck, he slit his own troat."

[JumboWheat01]

"How about we put you in a bag, I'll haul it on my back and you'll pretend you're a sack of potatoes?"

Ooh, the good ol' sack of potatoes trick. You can never go wrong trying one of the classics.

[Baptor]

Quote #1
Fighter. "OK. I attack the flying deer."

Quote #2
Cleric. "What did you do? No scratch that I know what you did. Why did you do it?"

Quote #3
Fighter. "Is your dad a big man? Because I have a sword."

Quotes #4
DM. "He's not a lizard man. He's a lizard. Man."

Quotes #5
DM. You approach the party. You notice that some of their weapons bear a strange rune.
Cleric. "Hello and well met, I am a priest of Helm and wish to join you. May I?"
Thief. "Should we let this guy in? He's a healer?"
Wizard. "As long as he does not hinder our quest to acquire all the runeblades, I care not."
Cleric. "Did you say Runeblades?"
Wizard. "I cast forget on the cleric."
DM. You approach the party. You notice that some of their weapons bear a strange rune.
Cleric. "Hello and well met, I am a priest of Helm and wish to join you. May I?"
Thief. "Sure."

[LVOD]

(Halfling rogue getting stomped to death by a golem after stealing a gem and trying to make a run for it)

Cleric (safely down the hall watching): "heh. Hey guys: i forgot i have this potion of haste."

[Kellendros95]

"Big, black, flying... it must be humans!"

"You shouldn't open the door with strong evil behind it, it's primary rule!"

"I'm not a woman, I'm half-elf!"

"When we sail on a ship, it... doesn't sail."

"Is cooking donuts a Survival? It's cruel world, you can't survive if you don't know how to cook donuts."

"I attack the law court with Zone of Truth!"

"His heart was broken. Actually, he was all broken."

[Aldarin]

'No, the goat doesn't qualify as a humanoid' (me to an annoying bard)

'That remains to be seen. Is the bugbear edible?'

'Tarrasques are people too! Why doesn't charm person work?' (the same annoying bard)

'GIVE ME THE DICE!'

'Yeah, but if my druid is allergic to nuts, can I still eat the kobold in bear form?'

'Could we just assume that dragons are plant-type creatures?'

'Is Power Word Kill required to be cast on a willing creature?'

[JumboWheat01]

'Yeah, but if my druid is allergic to nuts, can I still eat the kobold in bear form?'

...I wanna see someone roleplay a druid who's allergic to a lot of things commonly found in nature.

[krugaan]

'No, the goat doesn't qualify as a humanoid' (me to an annoying bard)


"Just because you had relations with it doesn't mean..."

[Aldarin]

"Just because you had relations with it doesn't mean..."

Haha. He was actually trying to justify casting Charm Person on the goat.

[goto124]

Ranger "I hate animals"
Druid "What about Penguins?"
Ranger "ok yeah, Penguins are awesome!"
Druid *Is now a Penguin,Waddles up to the ranger.
Ranger "Awww! You are so my animal companion now.
Players turn to the DM "Make this happen!"

I, too, love penguins (http://www.eveandersson.com/photos/antarctica/goudier-island-port-lockroy-baby-gentoo-penguin-looking-up-at-me-2-large.jpg)!


"I'm not a woman, I'm half-elf!"

So... half-woman?

[NewDM]

Rogue "Does any of this siege equipment count as a finesse weapon and fit in a bag of holding?"

[FlourescentKing]

"BUTTLE THIS!" (the only appropriate thing to say when attacking an insane necromancer butler)

"I swing the moose."

*holds knife like an idiot, runs into wall, stabs himself*
Guard: "Whoah, are you okay?"
PC: *grins* "5 gold says I can't do it again!"