Some hilarious tales from the table

[DarthSpader]

I started a "worst session ever" thread recently and that of course for me thinking about some of the more amusing situations. I've got more then a few, so I'll put them here. Does anyone else have amusing tales? Mine are mostly face palm moments ..:.

This one is the oldest i can remember and was told to me by the first group I joined. Back when I was a brand new. It was 3rd ed, and the situation was the party including cleric and rogue around 3rd level were exploring some dungeon. It had a solid amount of undead and unfortunately the rogue was killed. With only a few more areas left the group decided to press on, and raise the rogue later. The cleric cast gentle repose, wrapped the body and the group Treked on. In one of the final rooms the group encounters a priestess. The exchange goes as follows:
Dm: you see a priestess. She doesn't seem to be attacking. Roll spot checks.
Group highest roll of fail
Dm: ok.....
Priestess: what brings you here?
Fighter: we are exploring. What is your business here? Everything else down here is evil
P: yes... Everything else. ... I'm here... To research.
Cleric: you must be pretty powerful to be down here alone.
P: i do ok. My God gives me a lot of strong help.
C: you're a cleric? Do you think you can get our friend up and going again?
P: .....sure...
Rogue : yay!
Casts spell, everyone fails spell craft
Dm: roll spot. (Everyone fails)
Dm: ok a zombie rises from the ground beside the cleric. Roll init
(Cleric wins highest roll)
C: so a zombie is beside me? Where did it come from?
Dm: roll wisdom (fails) you aren't sure. But it's there now.
C: I turn undead!
Dm: the zombie is destroyed.
Rogue: crap...
After the ensuing combat with the priestess they realized she cast animate dead on the rogue, making the zombie. The cleric then dusted it with a turn... So no raise dead for the rogue. :(


Elvish wine

Same group as above. I'm a player. Our group has arrived in a tavern and is tired from wrapping up a mission. We are ordering food and drinks and the i keeper asks us what we want for a beverage. The cleric responds with "what do you have?"
In keeper: we have water, ale, or elvish wine
Cleric: the elvish wine sounds good
Dm: the in keeper bows and leaves - shortly a man in an apron, dirty kitchen clothes and pointy ears comes out. He is clearly an elf.
Elf: (in nasely whimpery tone) they never let me go home early... I'm always cleaning up HORRID messes, I don't get paid enough.... My arm hurts.... They make me take out the smelly garbage.... I never get any tips....

It's then we realized we got what we ordered. An elvish whine.


The fisherman

So I'm Dm for a group, a regular team I play with. One guy makes a character - I can't recall the class but that's not important. The group is investigating a string of supernatural murders. The victims all seemed drowned, and the town lies near a lake. Rumor has it the lady of the lake is a ghost and is killing people. The clues all point a pretty straight path but this one character - call him "R" because he was a rogue or ranger I think decided that instead of following the clues - this could be solved by locating the body of the ghost - who was obviously in the lake. He got a boat, fishing gear and the works and sailed off. Alone. Despite the group and me asking him to stay with the rest of the party. He insisted on his plan, so off he went. Spent the next 10 hours fishing. Meanwhile the group solved the mystery.
Me: so your still on the lake. It's getting dark.
R: have I found anything?
Me: no.
R: what about fish?
Me: (rolling dice ) ok you caught a fish (start with arms spread as wide as possible) thiiiiiiiii.....sss (slowly shorten arms to a mere inch) big.
R: yay!

From then on, whenever this guy wants to go look for something I tell him he found a fish "this big" it's a rather funny running joke.

[wookietek]

From just this weekend:
BSF: charges in to melee
Me: Why did you do that? Now they can all flank you, and we can't give you flanking bonuses.
BSF: Sorry, I flunked flanking. Actually, when they were teaching flanking back in school I just cheated on the guy next to me.
Me: Um, you know that cheating on the guy next to you is how flanking works.

[Toilet Cobra]

I've told this story before but it remains my favorite...

Player is a doppelganger rogue and really enjoying infiltrating various places with ungodly disguise, bluff, and diplomacy. He has a magic item he wants identified, and I tell him that the only reliable place to find a wizard is the regional magical university.

He goes to the University, but he's too cheap to hire a random apprentice to cast identify. So he decides to go straight to the Dean of the Enchanting Studies Department (he made this up and I roll with it).

First he goes in to the Dean's office disguised as his secretary, saying "Sir, this item needs to be identified, could you take a look at it?"
The dean scoffs, telling him "I'm far too busy for that right now! Just leave it anywhere and I'll get to it when I get to it."

Not good enough. The player leaves, then returns as a copy of a random wizard he saw on campus. He asks the Dean to identify the item "As a favor to your old friend & colleague."
I'm laughing at this point, and I decide to give him a hard time. The Dean gets all mad and shouts, "You've got a lot of nerve to ask me for favors after what you did! Get out of my sight!"

The player ducks out of the office again. Now he's frustrated but we're both just laughing at this absurd situation. So he says "I'm going to transform into a perfect copy of the Dean!"

The he storms back into the office, slams down his item in front of the real Dean, and shouts "What's this I hear about me not identifying magic items?!?"

[Gruftzwerg]

our group was in a dungeon, standing at a door to a magically darkened room. Further the room was very hot, sounds of flames and something crawling slowly towards the door, what we couldn't see (guess it was hiding due to concealment). We closed the door and where debating what to do as:

the Halfling Rogue: "Hey, I open the door, throw some daggers in the direction of the sound and close the door"
the Paladin (me):"Hey that won't do anything. Use your brain" I try to make an improvised Molotov Cocktail," I open the door, throw my molly and close the door"
the mage : "Hey, I can do that better,I open the door, cast web, set it on fire and close the door"
the Half-Ork Barbarian the only one who seemed to have no option, said that he scratches his head: "I open the door, throw in the damned halfling and close the door". xD

[Chronikoce]

I can't recall all the details anymore but I was the DM and some of the party was trying to track down a group of orcs that had captured one of the other party members. They got ambushed once in the forest but managed to fight their way to victory. Instead of pushing on they backtracked, recouped their health and took another path through the forest that they had found when the following occurs.

DM: roll a spot check (all fail except factotum who only failed by 1. So I tell him you're pretty sure you heard something ahead of you but you can't tell the direction exactly).
Factotoum: "hey guys I think I heard something up ahead"
Ranger: continuing to walk forward "well we are in a forest"
Surprise round as 3 orcs fire crossbows. I roll in the open and 2 of them crit and roll max damage vs the Ranger who is instantly killed.

The party takes everything the factotum hears seriously now though so there is that.

A second event is a good example of what happens when the party forgets that not everyone in the world is an adventurer.

They were in a decent sized town and due to circumstances (conflict with naleighboring nation) the town was locked down under martial law. Two members tried to sneak in through the sewers to avoid a checkpoint and we're spotted and confronted when exiting the sewers by a patrol. Their brief attempt at bluffing went poorly so the cleric cast wall of fire to cover their escape and deter a chase. Unfortunately he dropped it on the patrol and forgot that his wall would murder them quite effectively. Was surprised when I explained he suddenly heard screams of agony as the young patrol men died.