Terrible DnD Puns

[krugaan]

The Nine Hells are called Baator, right?

And Asmodeus rules over all the Nine Hells.

One might call him...

:smallamused:

... the Master of Baator.

:smallcool:

[KorvinStarmast]

The Nine Hells are called Baator, right?

And Asmodeus rules over all the Nine Hells.

One might call him...

:smallamused:

... the Master of Baator.

:smallcool:The cavalry in the Nine Hells (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uhlan)mostly carry lances and sabers, making them Uhlan Baator (http://www.bing.com/search?q=ulan+bator+mongolia&src=IE-SearchBox&FORM=IENTTR&conversationid=).

[krugaan]

The cavalry in the Nine Hells [/URL]mostly carry lances and sabers, making them Uhlan Baator (http://www.bing.com/search?q=ulan+bator+mongolia&src=IE-SearchBox&FORM=IENTTR&conversationid=).

haha, bazing. I wonder if that pun was intentional on the parts of the writers.

[KorvinStarmast]

haha, bazing. I wonder if that pun was intentional on the parts of the writers. Electing a noble vampire to lead your city is like having a nightmare. (knight mayor, night mayor, or the monster nightmare. Triple Pun!)

[Shining Wrath]

What do covens do at the market?
Haggle.

What do you call someone bewitched by a Dryad?
A victim of Feytal Attraction.

[Aurthur]

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/t31.0-8/11084214_887852507944917_1649859592763411544_o.jpg

[Cyan Wisp]

Just for the record, I am a dad, so I am licensed to pun.


That great old wyrm is so slow. Always dragon the chain.

That dragon is smiling after eating the princess. Must be gladiator.

The singing birdwoman's voice sounds quite flute-y. Or is it more harp-y?

Moving trees? Ha. That treant going anywhere.

Theriously, no muthcle tone to his thtomach whatthoever. Quite aboleth. :smallsigh:

Koboldly go where no man has gone before.


I quit.

[mgshamster]

Saw this one in a book recently:

"Vern is an odd name for a dragon, isn't it?"

"You know, people used to say that same thing to my parents all the time. They'd say, 'Why Vern?' And my parents would say, 'No, he's just small for his age.'"

[Specter]

Hahaha, solid gold, fellas!

[DaKiwiMonsta]

The undead don't hang around in the sun very much. That's why they look so... wight...
*gets attacked by demilich*

[krugaan]

An undead at a party spilled wine on the carpet. He was a ghast.

A otherworldly toad with ambitions to rule: a Caesar Slaad.

[Ninja_Prawn]

Why was the elven sailor asleep at his post?
Because he was a drow seaman.

[krugaan]

These are all absolutely terrible and I love it.

[Joe the Rat]

An undead at a party spilled wine on the carpet. He was a ghast.

A otherworldly toad with ambitions to rule: a Caesar Slaad.
Castle Greyhawk. Pretty much the whole damn module. Chef Slaad, Cobb Slaad, the Russian Slaad (dressing)... the Metrotelegnomicon... But don't go there. 'Tis a silly place.

I got 99 problems, but the lich ain't one.

From my game:
I needed a spellcasting undead somewhere below mummy power.
"Beware the wight wizard that roams these woods."
Naturally, I pulled his token image from Game of Thrones for a good visual pun: The White Walker

"Swedish Rogue: And last time I met this Dryad-"
"The Monk: We don't want to hear about your Norwegian Wood"

And the ever classic Necromancer line: "I've got a bone to pick with you!"

[SharkForce]

Castle Greyhawk. Pretty much the whole damn module. Chef Slaad, Cobb Slaad, the Russian Slaad (dressing)... the Metrotelegnomicon... But don't go there. 'Tis a silly place.

reminds me of one of my favourite 3.x builds... the chicken slaad sand witch.

(as i recall, an awakened chicken spellcaster gets attacked by a slaad and implanted, the slaad hatching from said spellcaster is a "chicken-slaad", which then proceeds to go qualify for the sand witch PrC. good times :) )

[Segev]

reminds me of one of my favourite 3.x builds... the chicken slaad sand witch.

(as i recall, an awakened chicken spellcaster gets attacked by a slaad and implanted, the slaad hatching from said spellcaster is a "chicken-slaad", which then proceeds to go qualify for the sand witch PrC. good times :) )

In a game where I guest-DM'd, the party for my module/arc found themselves travelling to Limbo. Which, where they emerged into the plane, was a giant desert of the dunes-and-dry-storms variety, with howling wind and sand everywhere. They encountered a little red frog-like creature with a peaked hat that was very good at controlling the sand (had the Sand Shaper prestige class), and was trying very hard to hide from larger multi-colored toad things.

After the sixth or so time it yiped and fled from something that only seems dangerous if you are looking for danger in everything, they realized they were dealing with a chicken slaad sand witch. And the first one to realize it groaned VERY loudly before threatening my life, which tells me I did it right.

[mgshamster]

Metrotelegnomicon

That's it. I'm now introducing a necromancer's book to my PCs, with detailed instructions on bringing people back from the dead. And by people, I mean gnomes, for it's the Necrognomecon.

[NeoNinevite]

These came from my D&D 4th edition group, but they still work fine with 5th edition:

We were once derailed when the DM described someone as "The Lord of Kord", leading to "The Ward of Kord", "The Sword of the Accord of Kord", etc.

"I'd like tarrasque you a question!"

[Pex]

The clerics of Pelor lamented the betrayal of Jozan and his punishment. "Alas, he was a heceuva guy."

In The Forgotten Realms, The Triad has its own Tyr system. Odin! Don't be Thor. The Norse Pantheon has one too.

When the terrible Eye Tyrant attacked the undersea metropolis, the denizens defended themselves well. The key moment was when a nereid monk sacrificed herself by leaping into the anti-magic eye so that the spellcasters could unleash their power. Truly, Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder.

[MBControl]

I touched on this in a different post.

I have a Half Elf ranger named Varis Walker, from the clan of Taxas.
He is Walker, Taxas ranger. After each kill he screams "Death and Taxas", which was shortened from "The only certain things are death and Taxas."

[mgshamster]

When the terrible Eye Tyrant attacked the undersea metropolis, the denizens defended themselves well. The key moment was when a nereid monk sacrificed herself by leaping into the anti-magic eye so that the spellcasters could unleash their power. Truly, Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder.


The Nereid people were famous for spurning their lovers. It was well known that you had to live up up to the Nereid's expectations. And if you can't give them what they want then Nereid gonna give you up and Nereid gonna let you down.

[krugaan]

When the terrible Eye Tyrant attacked the undersea metropolis, the denizens defended themselves well. The key moment was when a nereid monk sacrificed herself by leaping into the anti-magic eye so that the spellcasters could unleash their power. Truly, Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder.

Tales were told of the mighty, smoking corpse that remained after the battle was done, the memorials that would built, the fallen hero mourned.

Alas, of the lovely monk, only her shoes remained.

Beauty's booties, in the eye of the beholder.

[EvilAnagram]

My buddy just rolled a Necromancer Charlatan. His latest book is Get Lich or Die Tryin'.

Me? I went with a Dragonborn Draconic Sorcerer. I really like the way it scales.

We decided to be pirates. Our flag has a frog on it. We call it the Bollywoger.

It's a fun campaign, but for some reason we only roll d6s. It's turned into a lot of pip to pip combat.

[DaKiwiMonsta]

The Nereid people were famous for spurning their lovers. It was well known that you had to live up up to the Nereid's expectations. And if you can't give them what they want then Nereid gonna give you up and Nereid gonna let you down.

I'm so happy that this thread has now been D&D-rickrolled...

The party kills the colossal sea monster without any casualties. It was a kraken effort by all.

The Monk seemingly dodges all blows that come his way. When he's asked how he manages it, he replies, 'It's my unarmoured defence.' And suddenly AC how he does it.

The Bard realises too late that the glory-hole wall was in fact a mimic...

[KorvinStarmast]

The Halfling monk let loose a flurry of blows and unarmed strikes at the eye tyrant: booties in the eye of the Beholder.


A high level lady wizard needs unsullied winged reptiles for her menagerie. Your party's mission is to find her Wyverns -- pure. **


Because our nature's acolyte had great difficulty in providing a verbal description for how to get to the sacred grove he druid.


I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress.




** = Riff on an FR novel/character, Finder Wyvernspur.

[Segev]

Why wouldn't the orc tavern allow the cannibal weregoblin to eat at the bar?

Because he's a terrible barghest.

[EvilAnagram]

Why do the town guard keep watch over the well?

It's a critical hole.

[Segev]

A fearsome necromancer really messed up when he tried to combine the best aspects of scarab-swarm mummies, liches, and worms that walk into his personalized Cicada-based form of undead.

Now he's stuck as a 7-year lich.

[Shining Wrath]

Kraken assails London, is defeated, and turned into sausage.
'Twas the beast of Thames, and the wurst of Thames.

[EvilAnagram]

Originally, the components for casting Fireball involved banging a tea kettle and hollering, but they decided against the ting tang, holla holla big bang.

[Segev]

While their preparations for fighting scads of undead weren't entirely for naught, imagine the party's surprise when they burst into his lair and discovered that the neck romancer was a vampire bard.

[EvilAnagram]

I know a socially mobile hobgoblin who used to perform tasks for an organized crime outfit run by hammer-throwing giants.

I suppose that sometimes there's a hobnob job for the lob mob.

[Segev]

"HE WHO TAKETH THE HAMMER WILL BECOME THOR!" boomed the voice. When Bob grabbed it, the hammer animated and beat him about the head and shoulders, chasing him all about the room.

"PRETTY THORE NOW, AIN'TCHA?"

[EvilAnagram]

I don't care if those kinds of tastes are different in elven lands! The Princess and the Pee is not appropriate for children.

[mgshamster]

First, get your players to start writing things in short hand. Sw for sword, Hm for hammer, Mc for mace, etc...

Then, send them on a quest for the fabled Mace of Guffin; and let them go from place to place searching for the Mc Guffin.

[RickAllison]

The Minotaur princess threatened to cast herself from the tallest tower if the ritual was attempted. When the evil vizier attempted to continue, the king silenced him, saying "No, the steaks are too high."

[krugaan]

Originally, the components for casting Fireball involved banging a tea kettle and hollering, but they decided against the ting tang, holla holla big bang.

This is one exceptionally bad, well done!

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Jesus and Satan are both hit by a Disjunction. All of the Devil's magic items are disjoined, but the Son of Man is unaffected.

Irate, Satan asks God, "How the hell did he do that?"

God shrugs and says, "You might have lost everything, but Jesus Saves."

[JumboWheat01]

Oh gods, the puns! I need to subscribe to this to steal some of these for my own destructive use. And for my buddy's bard. Vicious Mockery is so much more fun if what comes out actually hurts.

[KorvinStarmast]

The king's illegitimate son, FitzPodrick, had no future at court and so became an adventurer: a rogue, of course. His best friend, a fighter, and he were the only survivors on a mission to slay a green dragon. Badly injured, but quite rich, they decided to retire to a small village in the country, but family connections intruded upon that. The king required his son to keep track of/care for one of the wards who'd gotten into trouble in the royal nursery. So Fitz and his friend built a play set in the back yard, where the fighter could relive some of their adventuring days by ...
wait for it ... swinging a bastard's ward.

[Caelestion]

These puns are absolutely abominable. :D

Did you hear about the undead chronomancer whose castle on Temporal Prime was invaded by a group of nine different adventurers, but on handily defeating them all and instead of killing them, the wizard decided to give them really bad haircuts to teach them all a lesson.

The headline in the papers the next day was, "a lich in time shaves nine."

[Corran]

During one of the Acquisitions Incorporated lives where they are venturing through the underdark in a mechanical robot beholder-like vehicle, they have made a stop and they have parked the beholder (which works with magic) outside an inn-like structure, and on the roof there are two gargoyles talking like old men and making puns all the time. At some point, a real beholder appears and uses a dispel-ray at the robot beholder, which stops levitating and falls down to crash the party's bard, Viari. And the one of the gargoyles goes ''for a musician, he sounds a bit flat''.

[Pex]

The wizard Jar Jar made a simulacrum of himself and exclaimed "Now Me Doo Sa!" then immediately turned to stone.

Alladin is not a rogue. Just ask his genie who always introduces him as "My pal, Alladin".

[Caelestion]

These are about as old as the hills, but still...

"My gravehound's got no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Terrible."

"So, why didn't the skeleton go to the circus?"
"He had no body to go with."

[EvilAnagram]

"Those heroes just cleared out the Skeleton King's lair!"

"Really?"

"No bones about it."

[Pex]

The reason people complain combat rounds take forever to resolve is because they are not reading the game correctly. It's not Dungeons and Dragons. It's Dungeons and Drag Ons.

[Ruslan]

What do you call a Gnome Divination Wizard who just escaped from prison?

Answer: Small Medium At Large.

[JumboWheat01]

What do you call a Gnome Divination Wizard who just escaped from prison?

Answer: Small Medium At Large.

COPs: Faerûn Edition

I need to plug this one to my DM buddy. We could totally work a story out for this one.

[KorvinStarmast]

The reason people complain combat rounds take forever to resolve is because they are not reading the game correctly. It's not Dungeons and Dragons. It's Dungeons and Drag Ons. I think you are referring to previous editions, but I like this one. Seen it happen far too often, particularly when we were using segments for the first few times ...

[thorr-kan]

Jesus and Satan are both hit by a Disjunction. All of the Devil's magic items are disjoined, but the Son of Man is unaffected.

Irate, Satan asks God, "How the hell did he do that?"

God shrugs and says, "You might have lost everything, but Jesus Saves."
"But Gretzky gets the rebound. He shoots! HE SCORES!"

[Misterwhisper]

The Arch mage in the tower of justice was getting tired of having to do all his research alone, but he would never trust anyone but himself to do it. There was only one solution, he made a copy of himself to become his assistant. However, something was wrong with his formula and all the copy wanted to do was scream foul language at the mage and run around nude. Soon the Arch mage could take no more and shoved the copy out the window of his tower.

He feared he would be arrested for murder, but he was simply arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

[EvilAnagram]

The Arch mage in the tower of justice was getting tired of having to do all his research alone, but he would never trust anyone but himself to do it. There was only one solution, he made a copy of himself to become his assistant. However, something was wrong with his formula and all the copy wanted to do was scream foul language at the mage and run around nude. Soon the Arch mage could take no more and shoved the copy out the window of his tower.

He feared he would be arrested for murder, but he was simply arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

Thank you for this.

[Caelestion]

If that wizard had wanted a decent clone, he should have gone to the Clone Arranger!

[Shining Wrath]

When a dragon had his rear appendage severed during an unfortunate encounter, his was able to purchase a replacement at a retail store.

[Ruslan]

Goblin' your food is bad for your 'elf.

[EvilAnagram]

My friend Jimmy played a Razorclaw Shifter, and while he was an imaginative player, he had the worst luck I ever saw. He tried sneak attacking a Displacer beast by hiding in a tree near its lair, but rolled a one when he was trying to climb it. He botched his acrobatics check and landed on his head, then failed his stealth check and alerted the beast. He turned himself invisible to keep the chance to sneak attack, but he botched his stealth again and tripped into a pond. The Displacer beast leapt in after him and attacked. He took two swings at it, both ones, and his daggers fell to the bottom of the pond. The Displacer grappled him, and he failed two consecutive attempts to free himself. Finally, the DM had him roll a Con save to hold his breath, and once again he failed, drowning in the pool. We will never forget the cat o' nine fails.

[Ruslan]

True story:

In my group, whenever an argument would break out about a particular element of the game being 'unrealistic' or 'not making sense', I would usually just cut it off, saying "It's an abstraction", and the game would quickly get back on track. "It's an abstraction" became sort of a catch phrase within the group, one that sometimes players turned against me, eg. "just because you got 25 on Diplomacy, you expect him suddenly to be your friend?" "Hey, it's an abstraction."

One game session, the party arrived at a large wall blocking their path. They tried different things to get past the wall, not suspecting they were being set up for the worst pun of my DMing career. Climbing it didn't work. Going around it didn't work. Trying to break it didn't work. Tunneling under it didn't work.

Eventually, the players complained. "An impassable wall in the middle of nowhere? That doesn't make any sense."
That was my cue to smile, lean back in my chair, and respond: "It's an obstruction."

[KorvinStarmast]

Ruslan, I groaned in empathy with your players.

The scoring looks to be 5 rocks out of a possible 5 for going to the wall for a pun.