Most ridiculous magic items: The contest begins!

[LastCenturion]

What's the most absurd magic item you can think of without epic magic, how much would it cost, and what would it be good for? I'll start off:


Squeeze ball of fiery doom for everything: this small bag, filled with flour, is used by squeezing it. It helps with stress by destroying everything. Upon squeezing this 6 ounce stress ball, 200 fireballs go off centered on the user. The user is immune to this effect, as per the Energy Immunity (fire) spell. Cost: 12,396,000 gold pieces (use activated fireball times 200, use activated energy immunity to fire, slot less. This item can be used to escape bonds (dealing 1000d6 Fire damage), win melee combat (1000d6 fire damage to anything within 20 feet), or simply avoid a tense social situation (1000d6 Fire damage makes people not want to bother you). Activating this item is a standard action.

[Mr Adventurer]

Apparatus of Kwalish.

[somethingrandom]

Cat-apult
This item which takes a standard action to reload or fire flings an angry ball of claws fur teeth and hate (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/cat.htm) towards the enemy.

[Divide by Zero]

Cat-apult
This item which takes a standard action to reload or fire flings an angry ball of claws fur teeth and hate (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/cat.htm) towards the enemy.

First level wizards must make a reflex save or die instantly.

[FocusWolf413]

Cursed Amulet of Understanding

You think there's a pun in every sentence. You know there's a pun. But DAMMIT WHAT IS IT???

[Inevitability]

The Vasharan Offal Bag, from BovD, has to be one of the most ridiculous things in existence.

It's a bag filled with poop inhabited by a single cockroach. Once per day, you can remove the cockroach from the bag, and it immediately becomes horse-sized and gains the ability to talk with you.

Why a race wrought from absolute evil is wasting their time on making magical poop bags is beyond me, but it is certainly funny.

EDIT: Also, an Oil of Bless Water is ridiculous to the point that I can't think of a single reason not to just buy Holy Water.

[LastCenturion]

Cursed Amulet of Understanding

You think there's a pun in every sentence. You know there's a pun. But DAMMIT WHAT IS IT???

This sounds amazing, but what spell does it have? How much does it cost? Can I make it something besides an amulet?

Also I have another thing: Glasses of omniscience. While wearing these glasses, you can perceive any sound or sight within 600 feet as if you were there. Continuous Clairaudience and Clairvoyance within 600 feet: 90,432 castings becomes a cost of 2,712,960,000 gold pieces.

[Buufreak]

A buddy came up with this last week: the Mongolian Seige Rock, capable of destroying any wall as long as the rock is entirely unobserved while it does it's work, leaving all confused what and if it did anything.

[Zancloufer]

So I have a few custom items that are kinda of silly or odd that where used in games my mine:


So this was commissioned by a player. You know those Swiss Army Knives that have like 4-6 tools on each side that pop out? Now imagine that about 6ft long, some heavy duty handles added and every two handed weapon in the SRD as the "tools". IT weighed like 300lbs+ but the player in question never ad to worry about not having the right weapon on hand anymore.



It is a cape. However whenever "running away" from something the character's base land speed would instantly accelerate to 40 miles/hour (350 ft/round). In a straight line. Every round after they could double their speed. If they wanted to stop they would need one round per 40miles/hour they where moving. Also had to move that FULL MOVEMENT each round and a sudden stop required a Reflex save (where DC = 1 per 10ft earlier they wanted to break). Said character quickly discovered that they could survive fly off cliffs. . .


A valuable looking cup that upon filling it with water could turn said water into a healing potion. By healing potion I mean lower level cleric spells that healed people (Cure Light Wounds, (lesser) restoration, Remove disease etc). It had around 5-10 charges per day and charges consumed = CL of potion made (with minimum CL depending on level of spell used). I would have thought it would be really useful but the party just seems to be collecting them and putting them on a shelf like trophies atm. Especial since they have no divine spell casters on hand.

[LastCenturion]

Again, these items are cool, but how would you make them? What spells are being applied, and how are they being applied? Again, I have one.

Pen of Explosive Runes: 630,000 (Explosive Runes ten times, slotless)
Whenever this elegant fountain pen is used to write something, the writing is magical. Upon being read, the writing explodes, dealing 60d6 force damage to the reader, and deals 60d6 force damage to each creature within 10 feet (reflex save halves; DC 17). This effect can be discovered and disabled as per the Explosive Runes spell, but whoever disables it must succeed on ten consecutive checks, where a failure sets off all remaining layers (so failing on the fourth one sets off seven explosions, dealing 42d6 damage instead. If only the very last layer is set off, 6d6 damage is dealt, and so forth).

[FocusWolf413]

This sounds amazing, but what spell does it have? How much does it cost? Can I make it something besides an amulet?

Also I have another thing: Glasses of omniscience. While wearing these glasses, you can perceive any sound or sight within 600 feet as if you were there. Continuous Clairaudience and Clairvoyance within 600 feet: 90,432 castings becomes a cost of 2,712,960,000 gold pieces.

Make it anything at all. Glasses (face slot), White Conical Helmet, or Majestic Cape.

I think Owl's Wisdom or Comprehend Languages. It costs 100gp to make.

[Kelvarius]

Cursed Amulet of Understanding

You think there's a pun in every sentence. You know there's a pun. But DAMMIT WHAT IS IT???

Am I the only one that was looking for puns everywhere in this post?

[Jormengand]

The Staff of Instant Death
This item, despite its name, is not a staff in the conventional sense, but a wondrous item bolted to the front of a quarterstaff. Each staff is keyed to a particular class or alignment, and a particular skill (such as truenamers and truespeak, or chaotic good and perform (kazoo)). When a creature that has trained in the relevant skill and is of the relevant class or alignment touches the staff, it activates, causing a whirling cone of energy in front of the wielder in a 15 foot cone. Any creature who touches the cone takes 1d4 points of damage. Half of this damage is fire damage, but the other half results directly from divine power and is not subject to fire resistance. This process is repeated until the character is dead, instantly killing any character who is not somehow immune to divine damage.
Market Price: 600 gp.
Prerequisites: burning hands; creator must have the Sanctum Spell feat, and either the consecrate spell or corrupt spell feat, and a feat such as arcane thesis (burning hands), easy metamagic (consecrate spell) or practical metamagic (corrupt spell). The item must be made outside the creator's sanctum. Some of the prerequisites can be ignored, but if either the sanctum prerequisite or the metamagic reducer prerequisite is ignored, the cost is 1200 GP. If both are ignored, the price is 7200 GP.

Eternal Striking (Weapon property)
A weapon of eternal striking allows the wielder to make an extra attack whenever the wielder attacks with it, and they ignore concealment with their attacks. It only works for one wielder, and is therefore keyed to a skill they can use, their class or alignment, and their personal true name. The magical properties of the weapon don't trigger except for the intended user, and creatures cannot attack with the weapon at all unless they meet the skill and class/alignment prerequisites.
Market Price: 60% of masterwork weapon price. Prerequsites: temporal twist, archer's eye.

Calculations:

The burning hands price is based on Sanctum Spell making it 0-level, meaning that the continuous cost is 2000*0.5*1, except that making a weapon that can only be used by certain people reduces its cost to 60% of the original cost. If the spell is level 1, it costs 2000*1*1*0.6=1200, and if it's level 2 (due to the non-reduced metamagic) the cost is 2000*2*3*0.6=7200.
The cost for temporal twist and archer's eye is 0 if the creator has no truenamer levels, as their caster level is zero. This can be achieved by taking lots of feats and such. To add insult to injury, the base weapon price also seems to be reduced by the cost reducer. If you want a ranged weapon, use activated Bolt (the psionic power) only costs an extra 600.

[LastCenturion]

The Staff of Instant Death
This item, despite its name, is not a staff in the conventional sense, but a wondrous item bolted to the front of a quarterstaff. Each staff is keyed to a particular class or alignment, and a particular skill (such as truenamers and truespeak, or chaotic good and perform (kazoo)). When a creature that has trained in the relevant skill and is of the relevant class or alignment touches the staff, it activates, causing a whirling cone of energy in front of the wielder in a 15 foot cone. Any creature who touches the cone takes 1d4 points of damage. Half of this damage is fire damage, but the other half results directly from divine power and is not subject to fire resistance. This process is repeated until the character is dead, instantly killing any character who is not somehow immune to divine damage.
Market Price: 600 gp.
Prerequisites: burning hands; creator must have the Sanctum Spell feat, and either the consecrate spell or corrupt spell feat, and a feat such as arcane thesis (burning hands), easy metamagic (consecrate spell) or practical metamagic (corrupt spell). The item must be made outside the creator's sanctum. Some of the prerequisites can be ignored, but if either the sanctum prerequisite or the metamagic reducer prerequisite is ignored, the cost is 1200 GP. If both are ignored, the price is 7200 GP.

Eternal Striking (Weapon property)
A weapon of eternal striking allows the wielder to make an extra attack whenever the wielder attacks with it, and they ignore concealment with their attacks. It only works for one wielder, and is therefore keyed to a skill they can use, their class or alignment, and their personal true name. The magical properties of the weapon don't trigger except for the intended user, and creatures cannot attack with the weapon at all unless they meet the skill and class/alignment prerequisites.
Market Price: 60% of masterwork weapon price. Prerequsites: temporal twist, archer's eye.

Calculations:

The burning hands price is based on Sanctum Spell making it 0-level, meaning that the continuous cost is 2000*0.5*1, except that making a weapon that can only be used by certain people reduces its cost to 60% of the original cost. If the spell is level 1, it costs 2000*1*1*0.6=1200, and if it's level 2 (due to the non-reduced metamagic) the cost is 2000*2*3*0.6=7200.
The cost for temporal twist and archer's eye is 0 if the creator has no truenamer levels, as their caster level is zero. This can be achieved by taking lots of feats and such. To add insult to injury, the base weapon price also seems to be reduced by the cost reducer. If you want a ranged weapon, use activated Bolt (the psionic power) only costs an extra 600.

... wow. That's truly absurd. Well done. Except... you forgot that quarterstaves don't exist. Tiny problem there, as you can just bolt it to a club... if those existed. Maybe a sword would work. Either way.

[Jormengand]

... wow. That's truly absurd. Well done. Except... you forgot that quarterstaves don't exist. Tiny problem there, as you can just bolt it to a club... if those existed. Maybe a sword would work. Either way.

Quarterstaves do exist! In fact, that take no time (and cost nothing) to make, which makes them ideal for this!

[ahenobarbi]

What's the most absurd magic item you can think of without epic magic

(...)

Cost: 12,396,000 gold pieces.

Aren't magic items with cost od enchantment above 100k considered epic?

[FocusWolf413]

... wow. That's truly absurd. Well done. Except... you forgot that quarterstaves don't exist. Tiny problem there, as you can just bolt it to a club... if those existed. Maybe a sword would work. Either way.

Is this a reference?

[LastCenturion]

Quarterstaves do exist! In fact, that take no time (and cost nothing) to make, which makes them ideal for this!

Yeah, they exist... if but you have to spend at least 144/0 days making them. As soon as you craft a quarterstaff, you remove it and yourself from existence. Quarterstaves don't exist. Check the advanced mathematics thing in my sig.


Aren't magic items with cost od enchantment above 100k considered epic?

Are they? That's news to me, but you're probably right. Oh well, looks like my 2 billion gold glasses are epic.


Is this a reference?

yeah; to myself. The thread's in my signature.

[Fitz10019]

EDIT: Also, an Oil of Bless Water is ridiculous to the point that I can't think of a single reason not to just buy Holy Water.

If you're crossing a desert, the smell of your holy water, as water, may drawn unwelcome predators. If you bring the oil, you can plan to create holy water at your destination.

[ATHATH]

The oil could also be used to smuggle holy water into Undead or Fiendish societies.

[Jormengand]

Yeah, they exist... if but you have to spend at least 144/0 days making them. As soon as you craft a quarterstaff, you remove it and yourself from existence. Quarterstaves don't exist. Check the advanced mathematics thing in my sig.

You have it backwards: 144/0 is the number of quarterstaves you can make in a week (or day, if you make the checks by the day), not the number of weeks it takes to make a quarterstaff.

[LastCenturion]

You have it backwards: 144/0 is the number of quarterstaves you can make in a week (or day, if you make the checks by the day), not the number of weeks it takes to make a quarterstaff.

Sort of, although the phrasing isn't really how I would have put it. It takes you one nth of a day to create a quarterstaff, where n is equal to 12 times your check result over 0. 1/(144/0). So yes, you can make NaN of quarterstaves in a day, or put another way, it takes you can create a number of quarter staves in a day equal to no other number. You cannot create quarterstaves in a day, week, or any other unit of time. Because all quarterstaves (besides artifacts) must be crafted in order to exist, quarterstaves do not exist.

[Inevitability]

The oil could also be used to smuggle holy water into Undead or Fiendish societies.

Except I'm pretty sure the oil detects as Good, because it's a Good magic item. The holy water, on the other hand, may very well be undetectable by DG: I couldn't find anything indicating it still radiates Good after Bless Water's faint aura has disappeared.

So unless none of the fiends/undead there can cast Detect Good and they decide to splash a bit of all liquids you're carrying on a disposable minion, holy water is still better.

[Jormengand]

Because all quarterstaves (besides artifacts) must be crafted in order to exist, quarterstaves do not exist.

Fabricate will create them, and the time is based on volume, not cost.

[LastCenturion]

Fabricate will create them, and the time is based on volume, not cost.

I'd love to have this discussion, but could we maybe do it on the thread that's actually about it? Getting back on track, I have an item...

Arrow of Swarms: 141,600 gp (Use-Activated Summon Monster I times 78, Continuous Hardening, slotless, 1 use/day)
This arrow looks slightly larger than a normal arrow, although it weighs the same and can fly just as far. The fletchings, however, are covered in shifting colored bands. The arrow is also very unyielding to the touch, and will never break. This arrow can always be recovered, even if it hits a creature. If this arrow hits a creature, it deals half the normal damage an arrow of its size might. When this arrows is fired from a bow and lands, all squares within 25 feet of the point it lands at are immediately filled with celestial badgers friendly to whoever shot the arrow. The arrow remains where it impacted until it is retrieved, and cannot summon badgers again that day. The badgers last 11 rounds before disappearing.

[FocusWolf413]

I'd love to have this discussion, but could we maybe do it on the thread that's actually about it? Getting back on track, I have an item...

Arrow of Swarms: 141,600 gp (Use-Activated Summon Monster I times 78, Continuous Hardening, slotless, 1 use/day)
This arrow looks slightly larger than a normal arrow, although it weighs the same and can fly just as far. The fletchings, however, are covered in shifting colored bands. The arrow is also very unyielding to the touch, and will never break. This arrow can always be recovered, even if it hits a creature. If this arrow hits a creature, it deals half the normal damage an arrow of its size might. When this arrows is fired from a bow and lands, all squares within 25 feet of the point it lands at are immediately filled with celestial badgers friendly to whoever shot the arrow. The arrow remains where it impacted until it is retrieved, and cannot summon badgers again that day. The badgers last 11 rounds before disappearing.

You meant "Arrow of Instakill," right?

[LastCenturion]

You meant "Arrow of Instakill," right?

Explain? All it does is fill every square within 25 feet with a celestial badger, and even then only on a two dimensional plane...

[Jormengand]

Of course, at the opposite end of the spectrum from the SoID:

Eternal Health (Armour Property)
Armour of Eternal Health is keyed to one user, and only works for users of their alignment or class, and with a skill they have trained. These are chosen upon creation.
The wearer of the armour of eternal health is always at maximum hit points. Any of the following conditions is cured by the armour upon application of that condition: ability damaged, ability drained, blinded, confused, dazed, dazzled, dead, deafened, diseased, energy drained, exhausted, fatigued, feebleminded, insanity, nauseated, sickened, stunned, and poisoned.
Market Price: 60% of masterwork armour cost + 117600 GP. Requirements: True Resurrection, Restoration, Heal. Creator must have the Sanctum Spell and Ignore Material Components feats and the item must be crafted outside of their sanctum.

Lesser Eternal Health (Armour Property).
Armour of Lesser Eternal Health is keyed to one user, and only works for users of their alignment or class, and with a skill they have trained. These are chosen upon creation.
The wearer of the armour of lesser eternal health is always at maximum hit points.
Market Price: 60% of masterwork armour cost +600GP.

As for your badger-arrow, you can tag the badger creation onto the sword of eternal striking (it only makes it cost 600GP more) and just swing it around a few thousand times.

[FocusWolf413]

Explain? All it does is fill every square within 25 feet with a celestial badger, and even then only on a two dimensional plane...

Aid other grapple checks.

[Sith_Happens]

It's not the same sort of "absurd" that you seem to be looking for, but way back when I wrote a weapon ability (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=13017876&postcount=94) that lets you dramatically knock your foes through stained glass windows despite being in an open field.

[Inevitability]

Aid other grapple checks.

Freedom of Movement.

[LarwisTheElf]

The Most Useless Box in the Multiverse

This item is a small wooden box with a large ruby attached to the top. The holder of the box can activate it by taking a standard action to press the ruby down, upon which it lights up with a bright red light. The next round, a gate, as the spell, is opened next to the holder of the box (or in the nearest space available if there is not sufficient room next to said person), and a random denizen of a random plane (determined by the DM) is summoned. The sole purpose of this summon is to press the ruby and turn the light off, something that can only be accomplished by that summon. If prevented from pressing the button, they will use whatever means in their power to accomplish their task. Upon turning off the light, the summon immediately disappears, returning to its previous location in the multiverse. While they can be attacked, they will not attack anyone themselves unless it is necessary to obtain the box and activate the ruby.

Greater Most Useless Box in the Multiverse (Artifact)
The original Most Useless Box, rumored to have been created by the Lady of Pain in a fit of boredom, then lost in another fit of boredom, and upon which all other Box's are based on, this artifact functions similar to a normal Most Useless Box, but is capable of summoning even the gods themselves, of which it does so quite frequently. In addition, any god summoned by the Box can choose to stay for one extra round after deactivating the light in order to deal with whomever dared to summon them.

Yes I know that artifacts are probably against the rules, but after creating the first one I thought it would be funny to make one that could summon even the gods themselves. As for pricing the normal Box, I really have no idea as I don't have the rules with me atm.

[Max Caysey]

What's the most absurd magic item you can think of without epic magic, how much would it cost, and what would it be good for? I'll start off:


Squeeze ball of fiery doom for everything: this small bag, filled with flour, is used by squeezing it. It helps with stress by destroying everything. Upon squeezing this 6 ounce stress ball, 200 fireballs go off centered on the user. The user is immune to this effect, as per the Energy Immunity (fire) spell. Cost: 12,396,000 gold pieces (use activated fireball times 200, use activated energy immunity to fire, slot less. This item can be used to escape bonds (dealing 1000d6 Fire damage), win melee combat (1000d6 fire damage to anything within 20 feet), or simply avoid a tense social situation (1000d6 Fire damage makes people not want to bother you). Activating this item is a standard action.

A non epic iten costs up to 200.000 gp, but if you only mean that it should not use the epic magic system then I come of with an item that gives All at Will

[ATHATH]

The Most Useless Box in the Multiverse

This item is a small wooden box with a large ruby attached to the top. The holder of the box can activate it by taking a standard action to press the ruby down, upon which it lights up with a bright red light. The next round, a gate, as the spell, is opened next to the holder of the box (or in the nearest space available if there is not sufficient room next to said person), and a random denizen of a random plane (determined by the DM) is summoned. The sole purpose of this summon is to press the ruby and turn the light off, something that can only be accomplished by that summon. If prevented from pressing the button, they will use whatever means in their power to accomplish their task. Upon turning off the light, the summon immediately disappears, returning to its previous location in the multiverse. While they can be attacked, they will not attack anyone themselves unless it is necessary to obtain the box and activate the ruby.

Greater Most Useless Box in the Multiverse (Artifact)
The original Most Useless Box, rumored to have been created by the Lady of Pain in a fit of boredom, then lost in another fit of boredom, and upon which all other Box's are based on, this artifact functions similar to a normal Most Useless Box, but is capable of summoning even the gods themselves, of which it does so quite frequently. In addition, any god summoned by the Box can choose to stay for one extra round after deactivating the light in order to deal with whomever dared to summon them.

Yes I know that artifacts are probably against the rules, but after creating the first one I thought it would be funny to make one that could summon even the gods themselves. As for pricing the normal Box, I really have no idea as I don't have the rules with me atm.
What happens if the summoned creature dies before it pushes the button? Can the button never be pushed again?

[Inevitability]

What happens if the summoned creature dies before it pushes the button? Can the button never be pushed again?

Given that outsiders outnumber non-outsiders by a factor infinity, I'm pretty sure whatever turns up will be able to reform on its native plane and resume its button-pushing quest from there.

[leon666]

I had a idea for a campaign based on a old wizard with an "Oak" staff, this wizard had created small magic items that captured various creatures that could be resummoned to use in battle. I was going to make 8 cities and give each a leader... Seemed unoriginal, but I couldn't figure out why.