Best bad spells?

[Pinkie Pyro]

So, I'm currently making a Wizard for a more comedic campaign, I was wondering what everyone's favorite useless spells were?

things that are just so impossibly specific or back-handed that only a fool would learn them is what i'm going for, but ones that are just plain dumb/silly are also appreciated.

[noce]

Don't know if it counts, but Protection from Winged Flyers has a name too funny not to mention it.

[Kurald Galain]

Poisoned Egg. Yes, it turns an egg into mild poison.
Advanced Scurcy. Yes, it gives your enemy scurvy.
Peacebond. It makes the target unable to draw his weapon.
Compulsive Liar. Target becomes unable to tell the truth.
Aphasia. Target becomes unable to understand anyone, including telepathically.
Touch of Combustion. Doesn't do a whole lot of damage, but sets people on fire.
Alter Musical Instrument. Makes a harp sound like a horn, or vice versa.
Clarion Call. CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLO!!!!!
Open and Shut. Create an illusion of an open door over a closed door.

[Telonius]

Unfortunately not a Wizard spell, but Speak With Plants always seemed pretty absurd to me. A 4th-level spell, and it lets you ... well ... speak with plants. (And plant creatures, too; but really, how often do you encounter those?) Even the spell description suggests that you might not be able to get much out of them.

[Morcleon]

My personal favorite is Magic Aura. You can render your items to appear non-magical, or bluff someone with a CL 5000 aura. Plus, you can cast it randomly around a city to troll mages. :smallbiggrin:

[KillingAScarab]

So, I'm currently making a Wizard for a more comedic campaign, I was wondering what everyone's favorite useless spells were?

things that are just so impossibly specific or back-handed that only a fool would learn them is what i'm going for, but ones that are just plain dumb/silly are also appreciated.Prepare to be... underwhelmed!
*looks at The Book of Roguish Luck*
*instead of thunder and lightning, someone tips over a metal trash can after a strobe light turns on*


Grey Spellbreaker
Abjuration
Level Shadowsworn 2, Sor/Wiz 2
Components S, F
Casting Time Standard action
Range Touch
Target One object or creature touched
Duration 1 round/level (D)
Saving Throw None
Spell Resistance No

You can cancel an existing, ongoing spell effect on an object or creature, or temporarily suppress the magical abilities of a magic item, by touching it with the object affected by this spell, called the spellbreaker. The object you touch when casting the spell is subjected to an effect similar to a dispel magic spell. Spells that cannot be defeated by dispel magic cannot be defeated by this spell.

The object or creature you want to affect with the grey spellbreaker must be hit with a melee touch attack. You then make a caster level check (d20 + caster level [maximum +5]) against each ongoing spell currently on the object or creature (DC 11 + the target spell's caster level). If you succeed on a particular check, that spell is broken; if you fail, the spell remains in force. If the first attempt fails that particular grey spellbreaker is always unable to break that particular charm or spell.

If you target an object or creature that is the effect of an ongoing spell (such as a wall of iron), you may make a check to end the spell that conjured the object or creature.

Focus: The spellbreaker object touched.


Black Spellbreaker
(Black Blade)
Abjuration
Level Gutter Mage 4, Shadowsworn 4, Sor/Wiz 4

This spell functions as grey spellbreaker, except that the maximum caster bonus on your check is +10.

[Gnaeus]

Unfortunately not a Wizard spell, but Speak With Plants always seemed pretty absurd to me. A 4th-level spell, and it lets you ... well ... speak with plants. (And plant creatures, too; but really, how often do you encounter those?) Even the spell description suggests that you might not be able to get much out of them.

Yes! And even if you are lucky enough to find a plant creature, the list of them which do not already speak widely known languages AND aren't already hostile to humanoids by default is vanishingly small.

[Âmesang]

Thundaerl's universal taster, a dual-school spell that allows the caster to divine poisoned or otherwise tainted foods, even through sauces, meats, or tins, and upon identification can cause the food to emit illusions of hissing black snakes to everyone around, giving you a good excuse to destroy the offending substances.

It was authored by Ed Greenwood, too. :smallbiggrin:

[daremetoidareyo]

Vipergout (SC) - Puke fiendish vipers at your opponents. The stat block for the spell is wonky, as it doesn't target the person puking, so you could, theoretically, cast it on other people...

Crystalline memories (CM) - This is actually a really cool spell, but has comedic potential.


After casting this spell, you must study the target for 3 consecutive rounds, concentrating each round on the effect. This is treated as concentrating on a spell (PH 176), and if you are interrupted, the spell is lost. Once the study is complete, the target's current surface thoughts (as detect thoughts) congeal into a solid shard of crystal. This crystal then erupts from the target's head (dealing 2d8 points of damage and 2 points of Intelligence damage) and flies to your hand.
Once you have the crystal, you (and only you) can use a full-round action to look into it and view the memories it contains. The crystal remains for 24 hours or until the memories have been viewed once.

Prestidigitation - flavor everyone's food as poop. or everyone's poop as food.

grim revenge (BOVD) - cast this spell twice on the same dude and Give yourself a round of applause.

[BilltheCynic]

Ability Rip from Serpant Kingdom. It's interesting in that it's an absolutely horrid spell outside of a few very specific circumstances where it's incredibly cheesy.

Basically, it rips a supernatural ability from one creature (the target) and transfers it to another (the recipient) for 1 hour/caster level. Sounds useful, right? There's a catch though: the recipient must also permanently lose a SU ability that it has, and if it doesn't have one it instead permanently loses two levels. So it gains an SU ability for a few hours while losing one of its own forever. Sounds like it could still be useful, just not as intended? Maybe you're fighting a beholder, and you want to permanently remove some of its SU abilities and give it a useless one? Great idea, except the spell has an hour long casting time, a range of touch, and both the target and recipient get a fort save to negate.

The only ways I can think this is useful is either to remove a bunch of SU abilities from a prisoner, or to remove an SU ability that's terrible from the creature. Want to play a Telthor (UE) to become incorporeal for only +2 LA, but don't like that SU ability that forces you to stay in one area? Ability Rip that weakness away, and now you get the benefits for no downsides! Basically, utterly worthless for it's intended use, but fairly useful and incredibly cheesy for uses that the designers never intended.

[Bobby Baratheon]

I've always thought Cheat was a little ridiculous. You demonstrate your eldritch power to affect probability itself . . . BY CHEATING AT CARDS!!!!!!!! DUM DUM DUM!!!! What sorcerer wouldn't pick that as his starting first level spell?

[Honest Tiefling]

Grease is a very good spell, but I feel I must suggest it. It's basically Save Vs. Slapstick!

Or you could ask your DM if it is flammable if you want to go the black comedy route.

[Cruiser1]

Don't know if it counts, but Protection from Winged Flyers has a name too funny not to mention it.
Protection from Winged Flyers is actually one of the most powerful 1st level spells! :smallcool: It seems weak, in that the AC bonus only applies to winged flying enemies. However other than that, it's just like Protection from [Alignment], in that it stops all possession and enchantment effects that give ongoing control (regardless of source). What's more, unlike all the other Protection spells, Protection from Winged Flyers is on the Druid list, so it allows Druids to protect themselves in ways only Clerics and Wizards can without this spell.

[Braininthejar2]

My personal favorite is Magic Aura. You can render your items to appear non-magical, or bluff someone with a CL 5000 aura. Plus, you can cast it randomly around a city to troll mages. :smallbiggrin:

An ability to sneak a magic item to a place where they wouldn't be permitted is useless? This is literally a life or death spell in any campaign that centers around intrigue.

[MaxiDuRaritry]

Grease is a very good spell, but I feel I must suggest it. It's basically Save Vs. Slapstick!

Or you could ask your DM if it is flammable if you want to go the black comedy route.Grease is one of the best first level spells in the game. It can utterly neuter epic level golems, so long as they can't fly (and most can't).

[Jack_Simth]

The only ways I can think this is useful is either to remove a bunch of SU abilities from a prisoner, or to remove an SU ability that's terrible from the creature. Want to play a Telthor (UE) to become incorporeal for only +2 LA, but don't like that SU ability that forces you to stay in one area? Ability Rip that weakness away, and now you get the benefits for no downsides! Basically, utterly worthless for it's intended use, but fairly useful and incredibly cheesy for uses that the designers never intended.
Alternate method to use it:
1) Make a simulacrum of a creature with a useful Supernatural Ability.
2) Cast one of a few spells that temporarily gives you a supernatural ability (Shapechange will do it, but there's actually quite a few that give you specific ones - Holy Transformation (Spell Compendium), for instance, gives you the Archon subtype, and that comes with a few)
3) Use Ability Rip to trade your temporary Supernatural ability for a different temporary supernatural ability... with a different duration. Do note that you'll probably want to figure out a way to bypass the casting time, of which there are several.


An ability to sneak a magic item to a place where they wouldn't be permitted is useless? This is literally a life or death spell in any campaign that centers around intrigue.

I generally use it because it means you don't look like a Christmas Tree under a permanent Arcane Sight... and as Arcane Sight inherits a penetration profile from Detect Magic, it's VERY NECESSARY when hiding... assuming, of course, your DM is aware about that little trick.

[Inevitability]

I've always thought Cheat was a little ridiculous. You demonstrate your eldritch power to affect probability itself . . . BY CHEATING AT CARDS!!!!!!!! DUM DUM DUM!!!! What sorcerer wouldn't pick that as his starting first level spell?

Don't forget it's [Evil]. Because only bad guys would ever break the rules, right (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ChaoticGood)?