View Full Version : TPAY/TPBY The "Rolled a 1" Game

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Grand Arbiter
2016-08-01, 05:01 PM
You are dragged deep underwater by a kraken for its lunch.

I roll to go fishing for the kraken that ate Xirhili.

2016-08-02, 06:38 AM
Thanks to typography, you have now successfully phished the Kraken for all its contact details and passwords. They are empty.

I roll a one

Mister Tom
2016-08-05, 09:53 AM
Entirely innocently, you had used the wrong type of die and get thrown out of the group for cheating despite admitting this to everyone.

I try to come up with a meta example

2016-08-05, 11:46 AM
You mix up Yandere and Tsundere. Have fun.

I attempt to make sense of quantam physics.

2016-08-05, 11:58 AM
You end up creating a black hole that destroys the earth.

I roll to perform my black swan solo!

Dire Moose
2016-08-07, 10:53 AM
You slip on the stage, fall, break all of your limbs, and end up spending two weeks in the hospital.

I attempt to break down the castle gates with a battering ram.

2016-08-07, 12:57 PM
You succeed!
You did mean your castle, right?

I roll to fail a spot check.

2016-08-07, 05:55 PM
You fail to fail. You see everything, which promptly drives you stark raving mad. Have fun in the asylum.

I roll to break Xirhili out of the asylum.

Black Socks
2016-08-07, 06:07 PM
You lock yourself in the cell with Xihirli. Have fun sharing a cell with a madman.... although Xihirli's sanity was questionable even before this experience. :smallwink:

I roll to interrogate the prisoner.

Sgt. Cookie
2016-08-07, 06:53 PM
The prisoner manages to interrogate you, instead.

I roll to learn how to forge a sword.

2016-08-07, 09:16 PM
You lose knowledge.
You forget things you didn't even know.

I roll a will save to have the self-control to not go nuts and kill my cell-mate.

2016-08-08, 04:36 AM
"No! Stop! You little--"

And they both died the end.

I roll to fly to the moon in Tekkit.

Dire Moose
2016-08-08, 12:27 PM
You fly into the sun instead.

First day working as a lion tamer for the circus; hope it goes well.

Grand Arbiter
2016-08-08, 01:02 PM
It helps to know your lions from your elephants ... because in hindsight you probably shouldn't have given that toy mouse to Jumbo.

I watch my friend try to calm the panicked elephant on youtube.

Mister Tom
2016-08-08, 01:19 PM
You get Rick-rolled, and while reaching for the mouse to find a different video you accidentally knock your hot mug of tea onto your groin.

I roll to play the accordion while roller skating.

2016-08-08, 01:29 PM
You succeed! Well, that is, if the accordion is a big barbarian's head and the roller-skates your knees. Coincidentally, the skates are parked in his nether regions. Where your real accordion went is anyone's guess, but the barbarian is coming too.

I roll to make an intimidation check on those cute looking wolf puppies

Dire Moose
2016-08-08, 01:53 PM
It seems you got them to see you as food.

I take my hands-on final laboratory exam for Chemistry 101.

2016-08-08, 02:39 PM
Los Angeles goes up in smoke. Congratulations.

I roll to finish the next chapter of TOSD.

2016-08-09, 03:09 AM
You just finished writing it, and it's so bad the publishers pull any further chapters.

I roll to not pull the end of the world switch

2016-08-09, 05:34 PM
You contract amnesia. Ooh, what's this switch do?

I roll a sanity check to question why I enjoy comic sans in a color that makes people hate their eyes.

2016-08-09, 06:09 PM
Your head explodes.

Roll to find the perfect witch doctor class.

Dire Moose
2016-08-10, 02:17 AM
You successfully find a class full of apprentice witch doctors. It turns out you arrived just in time for their hands-on demonstration of human sacrifice, and their intended victim never showed up. So you're right on time!

I open the door.

2016-08-10, 04:40 AM
You reveal another door. The mimic you're currently holding bites off your arm.

I roll to tie my shoelaces.

2016-08-10, 07:24 AM
They are now tied to the 10 tonne boulder rolling down the slope to that cliff there..... send us a postcard!

I roll for less masochism

2016-08-10, 01:09 PM
Oops, that wasn't a die you rolled, it was Pinhead's puzzle box, and you solved it.

I roll a charisma check to gain the popular vote.

2016-08-10, 01:39 PM
You win! But why there's a dozen and more mysterious red dots appearing on your body remains a mystery to you, there's no way the opposing side is mad! Oh hey, someone in the distance lounging on a roof with a friendly looking weapon, better wave hel-

I roll to perform my make up routine.

Dire Moose
2016-08-11, 12:16 AM
You accidentally use deadly contact poison instead.

I ask a cute girl for a date.

2016-08-11, 02:25 AM
The date goes pretty well, a bit of awkwardness here and there, but well. The relationship goes on for another month, at which time she asks if you want to take it to the next level. As soon as you agree to move in, she clubs you over the back of the head and you wake up on an alter. You are now the latest sacrifice to our lord and saviour, Satan. Congrats.

I try to make cookies.

2016-08-11, 06:50 AM
This forum is now running slower than on dial-up thanks to all the cookies you have created here!

I roll a cookie monster

2016-08-11, 09:10 AM
Although critical failure is not something you normally worry about on character creation, well, you did it. You rolled the great Cookulhu Monster. Reality is undone.

I roll to create a new reality.

Dire Moose
2016-08-11, 10:47 AM
You create a horrifyingly dark world where everyone is constantly living in pain and misery to the point where suicide would be preferable.

Knowledge (history) check to write a biography of Abraham Lincoln.

2016-08-11, 11:40 AM
You find that he beat Chuck Norris in an epic rap battle, appeared in Tatooine in the Hitler vs Darth Vader 3 rematch, and in the Rodney vs Obama battle. Nothing else.

I roll to jump out of bed.

2016-08-11, 12:49 PM
You manage to not only break your elbow, but also shatter your most prized posession. You just had it estimated - that's $1,5 mil down the drain.

Rolling to sneak behind the dragon...

2016-08-11, 07:10 PM
You seem to be doing well, until a Tail attack sends you flying into the wall. You wake up on a huge dinner plate with a hungry dragon looming above.

Roll to throw myself at the ground and miss.

2016-08-11, 11:31 PM
You do indeed miss the ground, and hit a wall pretty solidly.

I roll to disbelieve fairies.

Dire Moose
2016-08-12, 04:40 AM
Your attempt made it completely impossible to NOT believe in fairies, as there is now one flying around your head yelling "HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN!" incessantly.

I stab Xihirli.

Scarlet Knight
2016-08-12, 06:44 PM
Ooooh, it was really a Smuchmuch shapeshifting imposter....

You roll to join Lix Lorn's harem.

2016-08-12, 10:00 PM
...I, uh... succeed?
This doesn't bode well...

I roll to disguise (self).

2016-08-13, 04:13 AM
You create a lovely glittery outfit for yourself with "Not Xihirli :smallwink:" written all over it. The whole party is not sure it's convincing anyone, yet you try and end up imprisoned.

Reflex save to dodge memes...

Dire Moose
2016-08-14, 01:53 AM
You end up buried under a pile of lolspeak.

I cast Lightning Bolt on the angry red dragon.

2016-08-15, 06:25 AM
Usain Bolt's "Lightning" stance in front of the dragon only serves to enrage it further at this insult to his speed, and he makes maximised epic attacks on you.

I roll for the results of the entire USA Olympics team drug tests.

5a Violista
2016-08-17, 02:35 AM
As you take the drug test results from where you took them, you trip and the papers the results were on fly to the ground. The wind carries some away, and others are covered in mud and jackfruit, making them practically unreadable. You scramble to pick them all back up and clean them off and chase after them (some of them blow into the stream-like gutters common throughout Brazilian favelas).
As a result, there's an entire scandal with you at the center of it. It's pretty unfortunate.

I roll to sing songs from Notre Dame de Paris, the musical.

Black Socks
2016-08-20, 08:59 AM
Your horrible screech shatters windows, and you mangle the songs so much that you are banned from productions of Notre Dame de Paris. Forever.

I roll to ask my secret love out on a date.

2016-08-20, 03:07 PM
You forget to sign it with your name and they assume that it was from their own secret crush, and they get married and live happily ever after!

- - - - - -

I, as a bard, offer to craft a song to mend international relations with a rival kingdom.

2016-08-20, 08:44 PM
Well, your new hit "Don't Trust Those Dirty *********** Over There" at least tops the charts for a while.

I roll to light a campfire.

2016-08-21, 10:12 AM
You become the campfire.

I roll to catch an Eevee.

2016-08-21, 01:40 PM
A Snorlax rolls on top of you.

Rolling to get that sweet, sweet promotion.

Dire Moose
2016-08-23, 01:49 AM
You only earn it posthumously, as your brilliant idea involved throwing yourself in front of the king during an assassination attempt.

I attend an interview for a new job.

2016-08-23, 05:42 AM
No you don't.
You're attacking a clown.

I roll to kill a clown.

2016-08-23, 07:36 AM
You try killing the Joker. Best case, he's back next comic. Worst case, you die horribly and painfully. And are back next comic, because Xihirli.

Roll to achieve world piece.

2016-08-24, 09:16 AM
You just got promotet for fullfilling the order to press the button to destroy aldaraan. This World may rest in peace.... and in pices...

I roll for the amount of money the players et after killing that one Boss.

2016-08-25, 07:57 AM
They get a single magic item. Which they kill each other over. And it turns out to be cursed.

Roll to think up good campaign ideas.

2016-08-25, 03:45 PM
https://scontent.ftpa1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14117848_1638823596429422_781370676421466151_n.jpg ?oh=fa1826e3cf0376d0d1629e491620a14b&oe=5844A93A

I roll to hug my grandmother.

2016-08-25, 08:08 PM
You actually hug your grandfather... and he dies of asfixiation.

I roll to ride my bicicle.

Grand Arbiter
2016-08-26, 02:11 PM
...They found the front wheel still rolling along a mile down the road.

I roll to investigate what happened to the bicyclist above me.

2016-08-27, 03:41 AM
You follow the road back up where the wheel came from and find the guy from the side of the road in an uncomfortable position. He's clearly conscious but heavily wounded, so you decide to pick him up. Unfortunately as you get up with him in your arms, your back starts aching and you drop the cyclist on the ground. It seems like his head hit a rock. Um. That's not looking too good for your reputation.

Rolling to hide from the patrolling police...

Mister Tom
2016-08-27, 01:49 PM
To be fair, it did take them a while to find you in that dark prison cell.

Roll to have an attorney appointed

Dire Moose
2016-08-28, 12:41 AM
Well, you manage to get a really good one who keeps you from having to pay the 5000 gp fine. Of course, you now owe 500,000 gp in attorney's fees.

I attempt to seduce the barmaid.

2016-08-28, 08:22 AM
She's a gorgon.
How did that happen?

I roll to steal the Devil's magic.

2016-08-28, 10:21 AM
You had the brilliant idea to obtain this power by sacrificing yourself. PRAISE CTHULHU.

I roll the wild magic table.

2016-08-28, 12:42 PM
You killed CTHULU...

I roll for a 1.

2016-08-28, 12:51 PM
The universe, unable to sustain the weight of the paradox, collapses in on itself. You are left in a featureless void, amongst shards of your broken reality.

I roll for the next user to use homophones correctly.

2016-08-28, 04:37 PM
I needed to google it to know what you mean... Also, i copy pasts the Error intentional.

I roll for my chars starting 'launge englisch' skills.

Dire Moose
2016-08-30, 02:27 AM
Well, you said everything correctly in a technical sense, but your words were the most offensive profanities possible for the situation. And this happened when you were trying to convince the King that you were not actually stealing from his personal treasure vault. Hope you enjoy the noose!

I try to commit suicide.

Grand Arbiter
2016-08-30, 11:45 AM
On the upside, you somehow survive unharmed from the nuke you detonated at point-blank range.
On the downside, you're now stuck in a 500-ft deep crater.

Roll to get my homework done. And don't say the dog (or cat/rat/lizard/etc.) ate it. :smallannoyed:

2016-08-30, 01:47 PM
Maybe just one more 100% playthrough of Fallout 4.

I roll to to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll to roll my Redundancy Check.

2016-08-31, 03:49 PM
You made sientist cry. Also a specific person named pete who plays a astromech-droid in the homebrew Cheddermonk Wars ask for your die.

I roll for a rollercoaster overroll-trauma result.

2016-09-01, 06:47 PM
You burst into flame.

I roll to lift Thor's hammer.

Black Socks
2016-09-02, 11:18 AM
In Message Board Games, Thor's hammer lifts YOU!!!!

I roll to defend the alignment system against people who say that it's terrible.

2016-09-02, 03:11 PM
You realise, that even ...i am only going to name this game as white-text-censor... FATAL, not the card game owns a better interpretation of the D&D-alignment system. To much on 4-Chanwiki, sorry...

I roll the 1 sided die!

Mister Tom
2016-09-02, 04:08 PM
It gives you a gangrenous paper cut.

Roll to make a balloon animal.

2016-09-02, 04:14 PM
You make all of the innards of the nearest animal go outside of its body, being replaced with helium inside the still intact skin. As you hand off the affront to nature, children scream and run in horror.
Does that actually count as a failure or a tremendous success?

I roll to make myself some coffee.

Dire Moose
2016-09-02, 08:03 PM
The massive explosion and the resulting cloud of toxic corrosive gas have forensic chemists wondering what happened for years afterward.

I go prospecting for gold.

2016-09-04, 07:31 AM
You find a lake of mercury.

I roll to shoot a hill giant with a crossbow.

2016-09-04, 06:05 PM
The crossbow bolt somehow makes a complete u-turn into your skull. Take 5 Points of permanent INT and WIS damage.

I roll to stop being Undertale trash.

2016-09-05, 03:42 AM
You're patched into Undertale during the next update.

I roll to come up with a good roll for the "Rolled a 20" thread.

2016-09-05, 06:42 AM
"I roll for a 20." Unlike the "I roll for a One, in the Rolled a 1 therad" doesn't cause selfdestruction!

I roll a CHARAisma check, to get the result of what happens after i spare Sans...

2016-09-05, 12:19 PM
You're patched into Undertale during the next update.
i have too much time on my hands

Now back to your regularly scheduled natural one.

getttt dunked on!! if you're really my friend... you won't come back.

I roll to get the topic off of Undertale. As much as I like it, it has no place on this forum.

2016-09-05, 03:37 PM
You end up in an endless loop stamping passports in Papers, Please.

Rolling to get away from my guilty pleasure, Justin Bieber.

2016-09-05, 05:07 PM
Click (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kffacxfA7G4)

I roll to stabilize.

2016-09-05, 07:02 PM
You fail to stabilize and die. In fact, your entire molecular structure comes apart in a massive explosion that kills everyone around you.

I roll to see if I can remove the curse on my cursed dice.

Dire Moose
2016-09-05, 07:50 PM
The dice start audibly cursing you.

I attempt to start a fire.

2016-09-06, 02:17 AM
Well, YOU wasn't able to prevent forrestfire...or a burning ophant...or hospital...

I try to get all my papers in the right order to enter Arstotzka. "Glory to Arstotzka!" (http://papersplea.se/)

Grand Arbiter
2016-09-06, 07:09 AM
Arstotzka was captured by the forces of Djir last week. They think you're a spy for the resistance. You can guess what happens next.

Roll to decide what to have for breakfast.

2016-09-06, 08:09 AM
You have a nice salad made of various nightshades.

Roll to dodge the HADOKEN!

2016-09-06, 08:53 AM
You make it! You dodge aside, and land inside a truck. Your attacker looks around, but as you cringe inside the car, he cannot spot you. In rage, he crushes the car, and you inside it.

I roll to open a can of mandarin oranges for breakfast!

2016-09-06, 10:27 AM
It was actually the Mandarin (The supervillan one) inside!

I roll to stabilize my worst enemy. (I'm not a monster.)

2016-09-06, 11:31 AM
You are your worst enemy. You are the monster. You die in your own hands.

Rolling to fight the powah!

2016-09-06, 11:45 AM
"I am not consuming any energyfield bigger than my head."
-Evil Overlord List
You failed...

I roll 5 six sided dice, in a game of Yatzee.

Mister Tom
2016-09-06, 01:00 PM
You roll a 1 ( in the Yahtzee box), a 2 ( in your opponent's tea), a 3 ( in the litter tray), a 5 ( down a crack in the floorboards behind the old oil radiator) and a 6 ( which took a turn into a dimension usually only accessible using the Large Hadron Collider).

I roll to disguise myself from the city guard.

Dire Moose
2016-09-07, 03:58 AM
You successfully disguise yourself... as the evil necromancer that had kidnapped seven children from the village to be used as sacrifices earlier. The guards naturally arrest you.

I attempt to become a lich.

2016-09-07, 06:39 AM
Sorry, is it enogh if you become lynched?

I roll in a system where 1 is a good result.

2016-09-07, 12:48 PM
That would be an excellent roll in Dark Heresy, but everyone dies anyway because of warp daemons/evil aliens/cyborgs/space orks/gods of chaos/corrupted space marines.

I roll to convince a wolf I am his friend with Wild Empathy.

2016-09-08, 12:30 PM

I roll to get people to understand what I'm trying to say.

2016-09-08, 12:58 PM

I roll to cure epilepsy.
All of it.

2016-09-08, 01:38 PM
Do you wand to give your new Porygon a nickname?

I roll to intimidate the trainers whit the team rocket motto.

2016-09-09, 08:06 AM
You are laughed at by everyone. Including team rocket.

Roll to teach a parrot chess.

2016-09-10, 04:59 AM
The parrot chokes on a pawn.

I roll to quit smoking.

2016-09-10, 09:17 AM
Your entire body turns into smoke. The kind of smoke that comes from a large, open fire...

I roll to trim a bush.

Grand Arbiter
2016-09-10, 09:04 PM
You still swear to this day that Mr. Smith's car looked like a bush.

Roll to find that one Lego I was missing...

2016-09-10, 10:59 PM
You discover that that brick is not a lego brick, nor are any of the other 200 you pulled from the foundation.

Roll to craft a bow

2016-09-11, 10:50 AM
You create the most beautiful bow, with carvings like no other. However the person who ordered it is far from amused, since she was asking for a bow to put on her head. She's been under a lot of of stress and this was the last straw...

The next day you wake up in a ditch with a couple of extremely sore marks that are very akin to an iron cast frying pan.

Rolling to find my die bag...

Mister Tom
2016-09-11, 10:58 AM
Something died in it.

And by thing I mean cockatrice.

Rolling in an effort to be nicer for a change

2016-09-12, 03:51 PM
You cast Disintegrate, targeting the person you were trying to be nice to.

I roll to attack 10 times in a round.

2016-09-13, 07:37 PM
On top of your 10 consecutive misses, you get attacked 20 times.
All of them hit, max damage.

I roll to cross the bridge.

2016-09-13, 09:34 PM
You cross the bridge. In fact, you do it at twice the normal speed, so by the time you're done you have crossed twice and you end up on the first side. Plus the bridge collapsed from overuse.

I roll to try to make sense.

Scarlet Knight
2016-09-13, 11:01 PM
Oooh, you make scents instead. Now you have a skunk with a French accent calling for you.

You roll to determine which cup contains iocane.

2016-09-14, 09:55 PM
In a fit of extreme clarity, you down both cups.

Maury Povich rolls to determine whether or not I am the father

Dire Moose
2016-09-16, 11:17 PM
Apparently, you are the father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

I attempt to summon Cthulhu.

2016-09-17, 05:45 AM
You cast gate and open a portal to the Far Realm.

I roll to throw a fork.

2016-09-17, 10:16 AM
We still can't figure out how the fork got in your eye.

I roll to find a cool new website

Black Socks
2016-09-17, 10:21 AM
You find this great place called Hacker.com! You're sure it's safe!

~2 days, 3 hours, 9 minutes and 37 seconds later~

The police break down your door and arrest you. Seems they tracked an information-stealing virus back to your computer. With your browser open to Hacker.com and incriminating files on your computer (how did they get there?), there's not much you can say for yourself.

I roll to draw a map of the forest we just trekked through.

2016-09-17, 03:15 PM
Your map is just the words "Google does not have imagery at this zoom level" repeated in a grid.

City designers are working on plans for a new highway interchange.

2016-09-18, 11:33 AM

Roll to expand my space station in Tekkit.

2016-09-25, 10:34 AM
It doesn't exist anymore.

Roll to invent a tabletop RPG.

Dire Moose
2016-09-25, 10:56 AM
You invent FATAL.

I make an Eat (cookies) check.

2016-09-26, 03:39 PM
The good news is: You ate the cookies.
The bad news is that you were the cookies.

I roll to remember.

2016-09-27, 07:54 AM
You remember everything. Ever. The amount of information causes a headsplosion.

Roll to summon undead minions.

Dire Moose
2016-10-02, 09:54 AM
You summon a horde of zombies, but unfortunately controlling them proves impossible and they all eat you.

I attempt to save Princess Peach from Bowser.

2016-10-02, 08:32 PM
You get there just in time for Bowser and Peach's happy wedding, after which Peach pushes you into one of the pits of lava.

I roll to prove string theory.

2016-10-03, 04:04 PM
You disprove the existence of subatomic particles, somehow.

I roll to wait for Volo's Guide to Monsters.

Grand Arbiter
2016-10-09, 07:51 PM
You save up your money, and then mistakenly purchase YOLO's Guide to Monsters.

Roll for what kind of horribly eeeeevil luck-based event strikes the adventuring party.

2016-10-10, 07:46 AM
The universe ends completely. Campaign over, go home.

Roll to convince someone to be GM for a campaign.

2016-10-10, 07:54 PM
He says he would love to be your GM,


I roll to put my hand on the lid.

2016-10-11, 07:46 AM
You demonstrate a starfish-level intellect by requiring direction just to do so. And even then, you fail horribly.

Roll to direct an idiot to put his hand on a lid.

2016-10-12, 07:43 PM
You didn't pronounce clearly. You meant to say "Put your hand on the lid," but he hears "Hit me over the head with that jar."

Edit: Oops, forgot the prompt.

Grand Arbiter
2016-10-12, 08:39 PM
I roll to get the next prompt.

2016-10-15, 02:31 PM
You are fined fifty thousand dollars for plagiarism.

Rolling to conceal my masamune sword...

2016-10-15, 02:42 PM
No one would ever check inside your torso. By cleverly shifting your internal organs, you're able to survive a full three minutes after insertion.

I roll to search for my spellbook in the morning.

2016-10-16, 12:37 PM
It's on the Astral Plane.

Rolling to cut a sheet of paper in half.

Mister Tom
2016-10-16, 03:10 PM
Your scissors are too blunt, so you try to use the barbarian's battle axe. And to be fair you do eventually succeed in cutting the paper in half. And the table, and the floor.

Roll to board the pirate ship by swinging across on a rope.

2016-10-16, 10:27 PM
Thread isn't technically rope, but you figure it's close enough. It's not.

I roll to finish my essay.

2016-10-17, 08:53 PM
You end up getting distracted by an online forum game until you realize that your essay was due 3 hours ago.

I roll to pin the dragon.

2016-10-18, 07:49 AM
You get pinned by the dragon. What follows is best left unsaid.

Roll to dodge the giant explosion.

2016-10-18, 01:26 PM
You successfully dodge the explosion, into another explosion.

I roll to like the new Pokémon...

2016-10-22, 08:53 AM
You find yourself browsing Dragonball Z fanfiction for days in a row. Goku is love. Goku is life.

Trying to install training wheels to my bike...

2016-10-24, 04:58 PM
You think it's successful until you realize that your son's forehead is not a bicycle.

I roll initiative to attack a dragon!

2016-10-24, 05:10 PM
You are squashed into a fine paste.

Roll to cast feather fall while falling to my death!

2016-10-25, 02:37 PM
You successfully cast Feather Fall... just not on yourself.

I roll to save versus wedgie.

Grand Arbiter
2016-10-27, 10:40 AM

I roll to try to gauge how my dice will behave when I next meet for D&D.

2016-10-28, 06:00 AM
I roll to try to gauge how my dice will behave when I next meet for D&D.

Your die roll off the table and it continues rolling into a hole in your floor and ignite into a purple light opening a portal to the sixth layer of hell.

I attempt to find north in the night sky.

2016-10-28, 08:27 AM
You travel weast.

Roll to stab Xihirli.

2016-10-28, 12:43 PM
I fail, and instead stab myself... wait.

I roll to heal Xihirli with this healing shiv!

Dire Moose
2016-10-29, 10:29 AM
You crit yourself with the Vorpal Spork instead.

I create a new character to replace Xihirli.

2016-10-30, 09:22 AM
You're stuck playing a commoner.

I roll to make money.

2016-10-31, 07:51 AM
Congratulations! You are the proud owner of the world's largest supply of -$12 bills.

Roll to devise the perfect Halloween costume.

2016-10-31, 12:21 PM
You attempt a Harley Quinn costume, but end up with a vampire costume. It's so convincing that you get staked.

I roll a fortitude save versus the ravages of alcohol withdrawal.

2016-11-01, 08:36 AM
A fortnight has passed and you have no memory from those past days. You then realise you're in a muddy pit with not-so-happy wild boars circling around you.

Rolling to exhange vows with my partner at the wedding ceremony.

2016-11-01, 09:42 AM
"Maybe you're not the most attractive. Maybe your personality isn't the best. It's possible that your goiter will distract me during fun-times-with-daggers. But despite all of your many, many flaws, I vow to... where are you going?"

I roll to Meteor Swarm the gods.

Grand Arbiter
2016-11-01, 12:53 PM
You get hit by a 5-mile wide asteroid. Twice.

Roll to conjure a dracolich.

2016-11-01, 08:05 PM
You get hit by a 5-mile wide asteroid. Twice.

Roll to conjure a dracolich.

You conjure one, right on top of you, and you are squished to death.

Roll to climb a simple tree.

2016-11-02, 04:56 AM
You fall and get a splinter on your leg. No wait what? That's not a splinter. That's a branch sticking through your flesh.

Attempt to convince the Giant Queen Bee not to sting my party...

2016-11-02, 07:43 AM
You and your party get stung more times than you thought possible.

Roll to cast my time-manipulation spells.

2016-11-02, 08:51 PM
Have you seen that episode of Doctor Who? The one where time stops working and the universe ends? That happens.

I roll to learn Spanish.

2016-11-02, 10:51 PM
The universe explodes.

I roll to not survive the explosion.

2016-11-05, 07:37 AM
... what? You are frozen in time.

I roll to get the next OotS strip.

2016-11-10, 07:56 PM
You accidentally delete the entire OoTS archive, causing an angry mob of Playgrounders to show up at your house with pitchforks.

I roll to get the archive back.

2016-11-12, 09:41 AM
You destroy the internet.

Roll to recover the internet.

2016-11-12, 11:00 AM
Your router starts spitting out cats.

I roll a handle animal check to herd the cats.

2016-11-12, 10:20 PM
You successfully herd the cats but in the process offend every single god.

I roll knowledge (religion)

2016-11-13, 11:40 AM
There's spaghetti everywhere - in your hair, in your clothes, flowing out of your pockets. Spaghetti is truth. Spaghetti is life. Everything else shall burn in the afterlife!
... your party isn't agreeing. Why can't they see the glory of spaghetti?! WHY ARE THEY TYING YOU?!

I roll to jump on the chandelier at the theatre during the beginning of the Phantom of the Opera.

2016-11-13, 08:59 PM
This... goes exactly as you would expect. You are arrested.

I roll to choose 3 wishes to ask my genie for.

Grand Arbiter
2016-11-16, 07:00 PM
1)I wish for ultimate cosmic power.
2)I wish to trade places with the genie.
3)I wish to give the former wish-granting genie 100 twist-free wishes.

I roll to make a work of art.

2016-11-17, 08:45 AM
Granted! Art now takes twice as much work.

I wish for the emotion of hate to cease to exist.

2016-11-17, 09:28 AM
Congratulations! You have now caused the apocalypse.

Roll to find out who killed my family...

2016-11-18, 10:01 AM
You and Inigo Montoya end up accusing and threatening each other for five straight hours.

I roll a diplomacy check to become an honorary member of a goblin tribe.

Grand Arbiter
2016-11-18, 12:43 PM
You don't recall learning about any goblinoid initiation rituals that involve a stewpot, but then again you're not an expert on goblin traditions.

Roll to make my homebrew D&D class for the current contest.

Mister Tom
2016-11-18, 03:25 PM
A character class you can play as a troll was an interesting idea, but despite that, no one wanted to play a Misogynist.

Roll to navigate your ship through the fog.

2016-11-19, 06:58 AM
You accidentally discover America on your way to India

roll to flirt with the elf

2016-11-20, 09:35 AM
"I'm not sure what gender you are, but I'm willing to buy as many drinks as it takes to find out" turns out to not be a very good line.

I roll a Craft (Alchemy) check to create plastic explosives.

2016-11-20, 05:58 PM
"I'm not sure what gender you are, but I'm willing to buy as many drinks as it takes to find out" turns out to not be a very good line.

I roll a Craft (Alchemy) check to create plastic explosives.

You create toy dynamite.

I roll diplomacy to seduce the dragons(plural).

2016-11-21, 12:49 PM
You convince them that you are delicious.

I roll for taste (bad).

2016-11-22, 05:49 PM
You convince them that you are delicious.

I roll for taste (bad).

You now taste like BBQ.

I roll to find the princess.

Dire Moose
2016-11-22, 11:39 PM
You not only get the wrong castle the first seven times, but on the eighth attempt you somehow mistake the giant fire-breathing spiked turtle for the princess and end up making out with him instead.

I attempt to kiss my bride at the wedding.

2016-11-23, 11:15 AM
You kiss her cheek instead by accident. She hates you now for ruining her most wonderful moment of her entire life. After the honeymoon, you divorce.

I roll to be a man! Insert mulan/disney songs reference.

2016-11-23, 11:27 AM
You're unsuited for
The rage of war
So pack up
Go home
You're through
How could I
Have made a man
Out of you?

I roll to sing (well)

2016-11-23, 01:19 PM
You're unsuited for
The rage of war
So pack up
Go home
You're through
How could I
Have made a man
Out of you?

I roll to sing (well)

You deafen the entire state of New York, before triggering a volcano.

I roll to save Will.

Dire Moose
2016-11-25, 01:14 PM
You fire at Will.

I attempt to row, row, row my boat.

2016-11-25, 06:21 PM
Falling off the Niagara Falls in a barrel was not in your original agenda, but someone did just shove you in there by force and there's no guarantee you'll manage to stay alive. Good luck.

Rolling to get that sweet promotion

2016-11-27, 03:24 PM
You're not the first person to murder their boss to take their position, but it works much better for pirates than fry-cooks.

I roll warn Will Robinson of danger.

2016-11-30, 07:09 AM
In the heat of the excitement of the stressful moment you mix up the names, and instead shout a warning to Robin Wilson to get out of harm's way.

I roll to stay awake.

2016-11-30, 08:57 AM
You fall asleep for ALL. ETERNITY.

Roll to figure out something for my Christmas list.

2016-11-30, 03:30 PM
You recieve a lifetime supply of mosquitos, all year round.

Rolling to check for explosive runes.

Dire Moose
2016-11-30, 09:57 PM
You read a message in very small print advising you that there are no Explosive Run-KABOOM

I go digging for dinosaur bones.

2016-12-01, 01:03 PM
You find one with skin on it.
A living dinosaur.
Don't worry, it's a triceratops.
A territorial triceratops.

I roll to dodge (triceratops)

2016-12-01, 01:27 PM
Does a triceratops even have four horns? Well, you have four holes.

I roll Heal(holes from triceratops)

2016-12-01, 02:31 PM
You have sewn your other arm into one of the holes.

Rolling to cut stitches.

2016-12-04, 10:11 AM
You can't reach the stitches, so you just settle for cutting off the surrounding flesh.

I roll to avoid blood loss.

Dire Moose
2016-12-04, 10:21 AM

I try to hit the incoming baseball with the bat.

Grand Arbiter
2016-12-12, 01:48 PM
Not only did you miss, you used the wrong kind of bat which then turned into an angry vampire. Cheers!!

Roll to eat cheese and crackers.

Grim ranger
2016-12-12, 03:21 PM
You end up having your food scattered all over with lengthy cleaning process awaiting as a result, and get even more hungry than before.

I roll to convince BBEG to abandon their plans and commit suicide.

2016-12-13, 08:56 AM
Your speech depresses YOU into hopelessness and suicide.

Roll to stop the suiciding hero.

2016-12-13, 04:15 PM
You stop the hero from having a breakthrough.

Roll to defeat Mr. Perfect Cell

2016-12-14, 08:59 PM
You can't. You will never be able to defeat such a charismatic character. In fact, your roll is so bad he corrects you to call him Master Mr. Perfect Cell.
He kills you afterwards, while singing his PERFECT song.

I roll to cut the cake.

2016-12-15, 04:43 PM
You successfully cut the cake. And your hand. And the table. And the dimensional barrier between our world and Baator.

You would insult me, commoner?!?!?! I am a paragon human with 300 levels of wizard and assorted prestige classes!!! Taste my epic twinned intensified intensified intensified intensified intensified quickened stilled silent repeating scorching ray!! I have a +1000 attack bonus-*rolls 1*

2016-12-18, 12:04 PM
A magical backfire reduces you to your individual molecules.

Roll to pick the right item from my bag of holding.

Dire Moose
2016-12-19, 12:54 AM
You confuse your Bag of Holding with your Bag of Tricks and end up holding a very angry badger, which sinks its teeth into your hand.

I make an opposed grapple check against the badger.

2016-12-19, 01:10 AM
You shake off the badger, but it tears your whole arm off in the process.

I roll to re-attach your arm.

2016-12-19, 10:40 AM
Your arms become hellcats that eat you.

I roll for hell-animal husbandry.

2016-12-26, 09:16 PM
You only took hell-goat-herding. It seemed like an easy A. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0141.html)

I roll to stop this nonsense

2016-12-27, 12:03 AM
You aggregate it to the point that this nonsense continues forever.

I roll up a ring of three wishes.

2016-12-27, 05:06 PM
You are stuck in a ring of fire. A lot of fire.

Rolling to perform a sonata to my love.

Grand Arbiter
2017-01-01, 09:57 PM
They had been wearing noise-cancelling headphones, and now their neighbor thinks you love them.

Roll to confuse the genie in a wish twisting thread.

2017-01-08, 12:54 PM
The genie kills your family because she misheard what you wanted.

I roll to kill my family.

2017-01-08, 06:26 PM
You gave a birth to a twins instead. More of your family! Yay!

I am trying to turn into a paladin

2017-01-09, 12:29 AM
You become a level one commoner. A housecat picks a fight with you.

I roll for AWESOME!!!!

2017-01-09, 08:55 AM
You become the least awesome person. EVER.

Roll to survive another semester of school.

Dire Moose
2017-01-11, 08:24 AM
You get shoved into a locker by bullies, embarrassed at the talent show, slapped in the face by everyone you invite to the dance, get detention all the time for stupid reasons, and end up with a report card full of Fs.

I attempt to drive a train.

2017-01-12, 06:16 PM
I have a bit of a tip for next time you try that: Keep the train on the tracks.

I roll to fill out my paperwork properly

2017-01-14, 05:55 PM
You filled an official request to sell all of your organs before your death.

I am trying to draw a pony

2017-01-15, 01:35 AM
Your pencil meets the paper. You scribble several attempts, but they're not quite good enough, so you grab more paper and try again.
And again. And again. You work at a feverish pace over the next several minutes, something possessing your hands.
Eventually, you know what you have done is complete. You look at the stack of papers in your hands. It is the complete text for the bee movie.

I roll to play some smooth jazz.

Dire Moose
2017-01-15, 11:19 AM
Roll to dodge the various bottles, chairs, food, etc. thrown by angry, booing bar patrons.

I attempt to swim the English Channel.

Grand Arbiter
2017-01-15, 06:12 PM
...Neither France nor England have ice and penguins, do they? (0_o)

Roll to slack offget my homework done.

2017-01-15, 10:14 PM
Somehow, you get a worse grade than if you turned in nothing.

Roll to animate skeletal minions with the power of necrodancy. Not a typo, by the way.

2017-01-15, 11:06 PM
You are forced to watch the Transylvanian Twist.

I roll to do the Transylvanian Twist.

Dire Moose
2017-01-15, 11:13 PM
You twist your ankle really bad instead, causing you to trip over your own feet, fall to the hard wooden floor, and break 23 different bones at once.

I try to summon Cthulhu.

2017-01-16, 01:32 PM
You summon one of the three things in the below picture. (hint: It's not the green one)


I roll to die.

2017-01-16, 05:03 PM
You fail so hard at dying that you resurrect a billion other people.

I roll to make a peanut butter sandwich.

2017-01-16, 06:14 PM
You accidentally make a nuclear bomb in your sandwich.

I roll to disarm your nuclear sandwich.

2017-01-16, 10:19 PM
You set off a chain reaction with all of the other nuclear weapons on earth. Earth is destroyed.

I roll to eat a giant pie

2017-01-16, 10:53 PM
Tragedy. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0091.html)

I roll to receive parole!

Grand Arbiter
2017-01-24, 10:10 PM
You get life behind bars.

Roll to find the lightswitch in the dark.

2017-01-25, 01:40 AM
You find The Red button. Fallout for everyone!

I roll to read minds.

2017-01-25, 08:11 PM
There, could you read that?

I roll to avoid falling asleep

2017-01-26, 12:27 AM
You dodge several Asleeps that fell from the sky, but then your body decides to do a Rip van Winkle impression.

I roll to kick a puppy.

Dire Moose
2017-01-27, 09:01 PM
You slip and fall on your back instead and the puppy proceeds to lick and slobber all over your face.

I take my wife out for a romantic dinner date by the ocean.

Scarlet Knight
2017-01-27, 11:17 PM
Ooo. You try to impress her by ordering the mahi mahi by the local name dolphin. She storms off calling you a Flipper killer.

You roll to make it up to her by getting front row seats to see her favorite band...

2017-01-29, 10:54 AM
I'm sorry, you're getting tickets for Dire Moose's wife? She's already married to Dire Moose. And despite their recent "Flipper Killer" fight, they're still happily married.

I roll initiative

2017-01-29, 11:30 AM
You manage to get a place in the initiative order. Just below the trees, but above the rocks.

I roll to remember.

2017-01-30, 08:01 PM
You manage to get a place in the initiative order. Just below the trees, but above the rocks.

I roll to remember.

You forget what you were trying to remember

I roll to become the poorest person ever

2017-01-30, 08:48 PM
Somehow, you are no longer a person. You are pretty poor now though.

I roll a Craft(D&D Character) check to make a cool character.

2017-01-31, 09:19 AM
You make Spyke the Munchkin, a character with no backstory and abilities that seem strong on paper but actually suck.

Roll to stab Xihirli.

Albertus Magus
2017-02-01, 02:23 AM
You stab yourself.

Roll Disable Device to disarm a doomsday device.

2017-02-01, 09:27 PM
You stab yourself.

Roll Disable Device to disarm a doomsday device.

You disable the tools you were going to use to disable the device.

Roll to become a Wizard

2017-02-02, 10:10 AM
You take an arrow to the knee. You become a fighter without bonus feats.

I roll a save vs a dragon's frightful presence.

Dire Moose
2017-02-02, 05:08 PM
You take a -2 to all rolls for the rest of combat due to the mess you just made in your pants.

I attempt to negotiate a peace settlement between two warring orc tribes.

2017-02-02, 10:02 PM
You successfully manage to keep the war going until every orc in the area is on fire.

I roll to hide from the earthquake.

2017-02-02, 11:20 PM
You are crushed under 10 skyscrapers and then are drowned by the tsunami following the earthquake. You fall into a crevice never to be seen again.

I roll to feed my leopard gecko.

2017-02-03, 09:55 AM
You are crushed under 10 skyscrapers and then are drowned by the tsunami following the earthquake. You fall into a crevice never to be seen again.

I roll to feed my leopard gecko.

You accidentally eat your gecko

I roll to stab someone with a scimitar

2017-02-03, 10:33 AM
You catch syphilis.

I roll to make scrambled eggs.

Dire Moose
2017-02-04, 06:04 PM
You successfully hatch an adorable baby chick.

I attempt to make fried chicken.

2017-02-05, 01:27 PM
You successfully hatch an adorable baby chick.

I attempt to make fried chicken.
Through your efforts, a millenium of unburnt underbrush and today's firefighter holiday, the empire catches fire in what becomes known as "The grease fire apocalypse."

I hit on the bar wench.

2017-02-05, 06:41 PM
You actually hit her. She hits you back, knocking you flat.

I roll a Will save to hold the dying universe together through sheer willpower.

2017-02-06, 08:42 PM
The universe eats your willpower leaving you a mindless husk.

I enchant the kings crown to grant him greater wisdom.

2017-02-06, 08:55 PM
You succeed! Spectacularly! Unfortunately, with the massively increased wisdom bestowed on him by the crown, the king realises that your crafting talents make you a threat to his kingdom. You're hung, drawn, and quartered before sundown.

I roll to make it to my stats class on time.

Mister Tom
2017-02-07, 02:35 PM
Your statistics course has given you some insight into the concept of uncertainty, but not enough; you overcompensate and arrive two hours early. At which time, the lecture theatre is being used as a meeting place by a group of fanatical cultists of the brotherhood of the black pharaoh, N'yar lath-hotep.

I roll to make cheese sandwiches for the party.

Dire Moose
2017-02-07, 07:38 PM
You accidentally create a giant Cheese Elemental which eats everyone at the party.

I walk my dog.

2017-02-07, 08:09 PM
Your dog no longer has legs, and it's bark sounds like a horse. It's a long story.

I roll to dispel the enchantment that can end the world.

2017-02-08, 04:32 PM
Your dog no longer has legs, and it's bark sounds like a horse. It's a long story.

I roll to dispel the enchantment that can end the world.

You dispel your attempt to dispel it

I roll to meet Obama

2017-02-08, 05:05 PM
You get arrested, tortured, and killed by the NSA as soon as you step within the city Obama is currently visiting.

I roll a bluff check to convince my GM that I did not steal his slice of pizza when he wasnt looking. (Have fun with this paradox...)