View Full Version : TPAY/TPBY The "Rolled a 1" Game

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2017-02-09, 11:53 AM
Your character is obliterated by a bolt of divine retribution for attempting something so stupid.

Roll to ace the final exam.

2017-02-09, 09:33 PM
You sleep like Rip Van Winkle for the entire week that the exam is in. When you wake up, you think it is the day of the exam, go to school, and find out you flunked out.

I roll a Diplomacy check to bribe the DM.

Grand Arbiter
2017-02-11, 11:38 PM
You now have the financial status of "destitute beggar", in game and out.

Roll to decide what's for breakfast tomorrow.

2017-02-12, 02:59 AM
You now have the financial status of "destitute beggar", in game and out.

Roll to decide what's for breakfast tomorrow.

You decide you don't want breakfast anymore

Roll to watch more Jacksepticeye videos

2017-03-15, 02:22 PM
Aaand he deleted his channel.

Roll to remember how to breath.

Mister Tom
2017-03-15, 03:41 PM
You forget what breathing is, let alone how to do it, and so spend the rest of the day convinced you are a vampire.

Roll to take the first watch.

2017-03-15, 04:47 PM
You forget what breathing is, let alone how to do it, and so spend the rest of the day convinced you are a vampire.

Roll to take the first watch.

You warn everyone about the coming invaders, the armies assemble to find.. you mistook a few racoons for an invading army

I roll to build a boat

2017-03-15, 06:53 PM
You destroy the entire concept of a boat in every way, shape or form.

I roll to get the most ludicrous idea for a character build

2017-03-15, 08:59 PM
You make a character with 1 level in every class.

I roll for feeding my Leopard Gecko's Crickets.

2017-03-17, 11:39 PM
It chokes on the crickets.

I roll to resuscitate his gecko.

An Enemy Spy
2017-03-19, 12:33 AM
You give mouth to mouth to the gecko and accidentally run out of air.

Superman rips off the roof of the White House and Deadshot is sent in to stop him. He shoots at Superman.

2017-03-19, 12:23 PM
Bullet bounces off and kills Deadshot between the eyes, of course.

Unruly mob is rioting when we need to band together and stop this threat instead. I roll for diplomacy.

2017-03-19, 04:32 PM
They get even more riled up, and the whole world is destroyed by their rioting

I roll to save the world.

An Enemy Spy
2017-03-26, 04:44 PM
You save the world... by destroying the sun, thus ensuring it will never become a red giant and engulf the earth. All life on Earth dies.

I roll to sit in a chair.

2017-03-26, 10:30 PM
You sit in a bear.

I roll a Gather Information check to find the six-fingered man so I can duel him to the death.

2017-03-28, 02:53 AM
It was clearly the dread pirate Roberts!

I roll to disarm the nuclear bomb.

Simetra Irertne
2017-03-30, 12:15 PM
There's really only one way for this to go. I'll try to avoid that.

You cause the case to fall off, revealing the plutonium and spilling it across the ground. It doesn't explode, but you kill yourself and turn the nearby area into a nuclear wasteland for thousands of years.

I roll to kill a dragon with the wand of wonder.

2017-03-30, 01:47 PM
the wand of wonder turns you into a deliciously seasoned 200 lbs steak that the dragon enjoys consuming slowly

I roll to get a discount at the general store

Dire Moose
2017-03-30, 09:59 PM
You manage to insult the shopkeeper's entire family and race in the worst way imaginable. You are now banned from the store forever.

I attempt to lead the first manned mission to Mars.

2017-03-31, 02:50 AM
You crashland back on earth slamming into a major metropilan area

I roll to make America great again

Simetra Irertne
2017-03-31, 07:09 AM
Everyone in America bands together and forces you to build the Mexican border wall by hand.

I roll to walk 10 feet.

2017-03-31, 08:58 AM

Roll to find a university that doesn't suck.

2017-03-31, 09:57 AM
you find every iteration of hell you can possibly imagine, then get stuck in this universe again. unable to peek or move into other dimensions ever again

I roll to summon a bigger fish

2017-03-31, 02:32 PM
You summon a tiny fish inside your head causing you to die instantly

I rol to shave my face

2017-03-31, 04:30 PM
You summon a tiny fish inside your head causing you to die instantly

I rol to shave my face

Ouch. You get the closest shave you've ever had. In fact, you now resemble the Grim Reaper.

Dire Moose
2017-03-31, 07:19 PM
Apparently you managed to roll a 1 on your attempt to come up with a scenario.

I roll to eat a sandwich.

2017-04-01, 04:25 PM
As delicious as the sandwich may be, there's not that much joy when you find yourself choking on it. Seems fatal.

Rolling to escape from the Queen of Hearts.

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-01, 05:37 PM
While fighting to escape the guards, you manage to cut off your own head while the queen watches.

I roll to attack the Bugbear King.

2017-04-02, 09:07 AM
Before you strike the bear king comes up from behind a bites your head off. The bug king then has eggs planted inside your corpse.

I roll to kill Chuck Norris

2017-04-03, 01:05 AM
Before you even roll you get round house kicked in the head, it is now next week.

I roll to antagonize the vampire

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-03, 07:45 AM
He doesn't even notice. The balor behind him, however...

I roll to pass a test.

2017-04-03, 03:17 PM
You pass it. That is, you pass it to your friend and you both get zeroes for cheating.

I roll a Reflex save to dodge a fireball with my Improved Evasion.

2017-04-03, 03:23 PM
you take half damage from the fireball...what were you expecting something special?

I roll to commit suicide

2017-04-03, 04:09 PM
In a hilarious interaction of the blade you used and your brain you are now immortal but will never feel joy again

I roll to juggle flaming torches

Dire Moose
2017-04-03, 04:54 PM
And that, my child, is how the kingdom lost its mightiest city when it burned completely to the ground, killing everyone inside it.

I open a door.

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-03, 06:18 PM
You open the door without incident. You do, however, roll a 1 on your evasion check when it spills barbecue sauce all over you. Then the serpents wake up...

I roll to roll a d20.

2017-04-03, 06:21 PM
You throw the D20 a little too hard and it bounces of the edge of the table back into your eye, lodging itself in your eye socket with the 1 facing directly out

I roll to buy A NEW CAR!!!

2017-04-03, 09:10 PM
You buy a $10K car from a used car dealership - no warranty. It doesn't make it out of the parking lot, but there's nothing legally you can do about it.

A roll an Intelligence check to see what I know about my greatest foe.

2017-04-04, 02:41 AM
Well you know it'll be easier to fight if you run screaming towards it pants around your ankles with your sword stabbed through your chest

I roll to steal the Crown Jewels

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-04, 07:06 AM
You get stopped by the first guard you see, and accidentally tell him what you are really doing when he asks. Then, when you try to fight, you impale yourself on your own knife.

I roll to pick the lock of the chest.

2017-04-04, 10:07 AM
well you failed, and the chest is now made of adamantium, as is the lock, which is broken in the closed position and can't be picked, or opened with the actual key for that matter

I roll to matador

Dire Moose
2017-04-04, 10:56 AM
Have fun getting trampled and gored to death.

I roll to pass a biology test.

2017-04-04, 02:02 PM
(I seem to recall answering something like this earlier)
You pass your test. To the person next to you. You both get zeroes for cheating.

I roll to remember.

2017-04-12, 06:29 PM
You forget.

I roll to climb out of a pit

2017-04-13, 10:33 AM
You slip, the pit is now deeper than it was before.

I roll to maintain a diet

Dire Moose
2017-04-13, 11:09 AM
You just can't resist that pizza-eating contest!
You gain 20 pounds.

I roll to juggle running chainsaws.

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-13, 11:14 AM
You can't even pick them up. Somehow, you still manage to cut your head off.

I roll to comprehend the ancient runes.

2017-04-15, 10:21 PM
They are explosive runes. Lots of them.You just set them off. All of them.

I roll a strength check to thrust my +7 to damage sword into the tarresque.

2017-04-17, 04:23 AM
It was a cursed sword all along. Your hit actually heals the Terrasque.

I roll to botch my roll.

Dire Moose
2017-04-17, 08:11 AM
The paradox you create causes the universe to implode and kill everyone in existence. Great job!

I cast Fireball on the giant that is threatening the villagers.

2017-04-17, 11:26 AM
Both the villagers and the giant blow out in full panic after what they consider to be spontaneous human combustion. You're dead.

I roll to raise my dog from the dead.

2017-04-17, 11:49 AM
well your dog's not dead anymore, nor did he ever exist, in fact you never had a dog to begin with.

I roll to eat pudding

2017-04-18, 03:28 AM
You eat the pudding successfully but the spoon you were using gets stuck in your oesophageas, rendering you mute

I roll to intimidate a halfling

2017-04-18, 07:26 AM
He stabs you in the shin

I roll to hold my alcohol

2017-04-18, 08:34 AM
The glass slips out of your hand. You don't even get a sip.

I roll to save against Peacebond.

Dire Moose
2017-04-27, 09:51 PM
Sorry, but your sword is actually welded into its scabbard now.

I roll to ride a horse.

2017-04-28, 01:58 AM
You end up with the press referring to you as Bowling Ball Bag Bob.

I roll to role(play) a d20.

2017-04-28, 04:14 PM
you roll yourself onto the table and get impaled on 27 D4's

I roll to get scammed

2017-04-28, 11:03 PM
You get scammed by someone else entirely and don't realize it. You're pretty sure you failed to get scammed, despite going to Con Street for seven hours and talking to everyone.

I roll a Profession check.

Dire Moose
2017-04-29, 11:48 AM
You mistakenly screw up the facts you are telling your students to the point that everyone laughs at you whenever you're nearby over it.

I roll a will save to avoid going insane.

An Enemy Spy
2017-04-30, 02:32 PM
You mistakenly screw up the facts you are telling your students to the point that everyone laughs at you whenever you're nearby over it.

I roll a will save to avoid going insane.

Winston Churchill banana splort.

I become self aware and decide to kill all humans.

Blue Ghost
2017-05-02, 06:03 PM
You mistake yourself for a human and kill yourself before killing anyone else.

I roll to hit the broad side of a barn.

2017-05-03, 08:08 AM
You fire upwards, and the shot lands on you.

Roll to successfully teleport.

Dire Moose
2017-05-03, 09:13 AM
You successfully teleport yourself inside an active volcano.

I roll to sneak past the guards.

2017-05-03, 04:49 PM
You chat with them for three hours before they realize you're an intruder and capture you. They do let you go, though, because you made fiends with them.

I roll for a random encounter.

2017-05-04, 04:40 AM
You chat with them for three hours before they realize you're an intruder and capture you. They do let you go, though, because you made fiends with them.

I roll for a random encounter.

You end up with a statistically probable encounter

I roll to jump on a grenade for a friend

Simetra Irertne
2017-05-04, 07:09 AM
You miss, trip the friend, and both of you die.

I roll to find the secret door.

2017-05-04, 01:22 PM
Well, you rolled a one, and the secret door is actually a mimic. The creature opens its gaping mouth, but you still don't find that door. You actually walk into it, and are digested over a period of ten thousand years.

I am attempting to convince a mighty warrior to join my noble quest.

2017-05-05, 01:09 AM
A warriorcat has joined your party. They demand incessant back rubs and only have 4 hours of active time, 2 of which are angsty backstory moments while having to be carried for the rest of the day.

I roll to dance!

Dire Moose
2017-05-07, 01:38 PM
You step on your partne's feet really hard and end up tripping each other onto the solid oak floor.

I roll to boldly go where no one has gone before!

Emperor Ing
2017-05-07, 02:23 PM
You crash head-first into where no man has gone before.

I attempt to roll a one.

2017-05-07, 03:18 PM
Not only do you not roll a one, you roll five twos. Now, 2 x 5 = 10 (one-zero). In binary, one-zero equals two. So technically you rolled one two. Part of the previous sentence had the number one inside it, confirming half-life three and Illuminati in one fell swoop. The universe collapses, and you roll a three.

I attempt to write a good "roll a one" scenario that hasn't been made before.

2017-05-07, 11:31 PM
This thread seems to not be able to continue without a new scenario, so I'll add one in here.

Roll an acrobatics check to try to jump from the tree branch to the window beside it.

Dire Moose
2017-05-19, 02:19 PM
The branch snaps under you just as you start to jump. You fall and hit every single branch on the way down to the moat in between the tree and the castle, where you land right in the alligator's mouth.

I enter a jousting tournament.

2017-05-20, 04:22 PM
You fall off your horse and when the horse sees the incoming knight knocks you down and breaks your spine and a couple of ribs.

I roll to build a robot overlord.

2017-05-21, 02:16 PM
The current robot overlord catches wind of your plans and uses you as parts for his human flesh golem.

I roll perception to notice Cthulu.

Simetra Irertne
2017-05-22, 07:19 AM
Giant aquatic dragon-illithid? Standing right in front of you? Literally blotting out the sun?
You: "Huh? What? Where???"

I roll to annoy the bugbear.

2017-05-22, 11:14 AM
You roll a one, and instead of annoying the bugbear, you make it laugh. Now install a montage where you and this bugbear are doing fun activities together. You both enjoy each other's company, and you both think it's time for the next step. You and the bugbear marry in holy matrimony, and you enjoy each other's company for the rest of your lives.

I roll to try and PM emperor ING to do an avatar.

Dire Moose
2017-06-05, 10:44 AM
You inadvertently insult him, his family, and his entire culture with your request.

I attempt to get all my ducks in a row.

Grand Arbiter
2017-07-11, 06:40 PM
You now have a flock of geese doing square dancing.

I roll to daydream.

2017-07-13, 11:01 AM
your brain experiences a fatal error, you imagination has been completely lost.

I roll to resis eating doughnuts

2017-07-15, 06:48 PM
You eat so many donuts that your brain suddenly subconsciously makes you eat donuts. This is a sign of diabetes. You are crippled weighing a quarter of a metric ton and can't move, taking insulin until the day you die.

I roll to brush my teeth.

2017-07-16, 12:10 AM
You brush so hard and for so long that you file your teeth down to nothing.

I roll to shoot myself in the face.

Dire Moose
2017-07-17, 09:58 AM
You shoot your best friend in the groin by mistake.

I drive to work.

2017-07-29, 08:00 PM
You drive off a cliff by mistake somehow still getting to work where you are promptly fired for destroying business property.

I roll to disprove God's existence.

2017-08-08, 06:05 PM
Well, you rolled a one to disprove him, which actually disproved him. If god did exist, and the core of his existence was relying on faith, then you rolling a one could not have been divine intervention but mere happenstance. This explanation is then used on more and more "miracles" until eventually no one believes in god. This however starts anarchy, as the people who are social constructs start to question their existence as well. If god did not exist, then what was their purpose in the universe? Were they subjects of happenstance as well? In the long run society collapses, and some people say that the collapse is due in part by the original disproof of god. The collapse was obviously the angry fist of Him (or Her, who's to say?) and eventually a new society is created from the ashes of the old one. Some smarta** however eventually rolled dice to try and disprove god again, restarting the collapse and the eventual reconstruction.

I roll to try and make sense of the explanation I just gave.

Emperor Ing
2017-08-09, 01:01 AM
The explanation given that perfectly summarizes your explanation comes from God Himself.

I quit my job

2017-08-09, 01:13 AM
very nice..i like it

2017-08-09, 05:08 AM
The explanation given that perfectly summarizes your explanation comes from God Himself.

I quit my job

You place yourself in indentured servitude to your employer. You must now work for them for the rest of your life and they are under no obligation to pay you.

I roll to find my keys.

2017-08-13, 10:50 PM
Not only have you lost your keys, you seem to have lost everything those keys unlocked, too.

I roll to eat a turkey sandwich.

2017-08-18, 03:19 PM
the turkey bites your tongue off when you bring it to your mouth.

I make a check to make an inane post on a random forum.

2017-08-18, 03:44 PM
You seemed to have accidentally alerted the federal agency. Who imprison you in guantanamo bay as a terrorist. This causes your family to forget about you. While you are the whore of the prison.

I roll to try and find better alternatives for rolling a 1.

Dire Moose
2017-08-21, 06:55 AM
You figure jumping off a cliff onto a pile of razor-sharp jagged rocks would be a much better alternative to rolling a 1.

I roll to pet my cat.

2017-08-21, 12:20 PM
You stab your cat with a scimitar.

I roll to stab someone other than myself with a scimitar

2017-08-21, 05:44 PM
Someone stabs you with your scimitar while you are still holding it. They make a "Stop stabbing yourself" joke. It's not very funny.

I roll to roll a 1.

2017-08-23, 09:12 PM
You roll a 20.

I try to start a Cards Against Humanity game.

2017-08-24, 08:37 AM
Humanity outlaws cards.

Roll to hit the bullseye.

2017-08-24, 08:41 AM
It ricocheted off of a tree, and in the process of doing so killed three cute squirrels.

I roll to start an argument that Glinda the Good Witch from Wizard of Oz is using Dorothy as a political assassin. Really specific roll, but I want to see what you guys can do with it.

2017-08-24, 05:25 PM
You end up starting an argument about whether or not you should be assassinated by Dorothy on behalf of Glinda the Good Witch. The general consensus is that you should, and you are summarily assassinated by Dorothy.

I roll to not roll.

Dire Moose
2017-08-24, 11:16 PM
You end up rolling every possible die in the universe at once. And you get a natural 1 on every last die.

I attempt to fly my X-Wing down the Death Star's equatorial trench and shoot a proton torpedo into the reactor's exhaust port.

2017-08-25, 08:06 AM
You fire the electron torpedo by mistake, giving the death star a massive power boost. Your fleet is obliterated.

Roll to dodge the falling boulders.

2017-08-25, 01:17 PM
The boulders all crush you. then turn sapient and keep on abusing your corpse until the end of the year.

I roll to find true love.

2017-08-25, 10:27 PM
In your efforts, you eat a poisoned apple. Unfortunately, the prince doesn't find you attractive and you remain comatose.

I have suddenly come over all peckish. I roll to curtail my activities, sally forth, and infiltrate a place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

2017-08-26, 01:33 AM
You continue as you were, where you were, and in fact find yourself bamboozled into giving a cheesy snack vendor all of your cheesy snacks.

I roll to take a drink of water.

2017-08-26, 08:43 AM
You are now a sheep.

I roll to sheer.

Dire Moose
2017-08-26, 06:39 PM
Your shearing knife slips, making the sheep really upset. It butts you off a cliff.

I roll to wrestle an alligator.

2017-08-27, 12:04 PM
You mate with the alligator instead. You get married and have beautiful half-alligator half-human children unfortunately it turns sour in your elder years when you confess to you actually meaning to have wrestled instead of mating with ti all those years back and you get nothing from the settlement.

I roll to roll.

2017-08-27, 04:47 PM
You roll throw the dice, but one goes off the table. You get into a fist fight arguing about what to do with it.

I roll for shoes

2017-08-28, 02:10 AM
The shoes, which are, in fact, boots, begin walking all over you.

I roll to slay the dragon menacing the town.

2017-08-30, 08:54 PM
You slay the town menacing the Dragon.

I roll to stab myself in the heart.

Dire Moose
2017-08-31, 12:36 PM
You stab the Elixir of Immortality instead and get it all over you. It is now impossible for you to die.

I roll to jump my horse over a fence.

2017-08-31, 01:43 PM
What horse? You don't own a horse.

I roll to watch Star Wars.

2017-08-31, 02:41 PM
You watched a bad lord of the rings knock off instead,

I roll to look in a mirror.

Grim ranger
2017-08-31, 05:25 PM
You fracture the mirror into million pieces with your visage without even touching it, guaranteeing that you'll suffer a curse of bad luck until end of time.

I roll to make heroic sacrifice.

2017-08-31, 05:27 PM
You instead look into the abyss. The abyss looks back into you.

I roll to beware, as he who hunts monsters should.

Dire Moose
2017-09-01, 12:10 AM
You don't even notice the ferocious beast until it has already eaten you.

I roll to search the desert for dinosaur fossils.

2017-09-02, 02:47 AM
You don't even notice the ferocious beast until it has already eaten you.

I roll to search the desert for dinosaur fossils.

You dig up a sacred chromatic dragon graveyard instead causing you to be chased by angry Tiamet cultists.

I roll to cast magic missile at the darkness.

2017-09-02, 05:44 AM
... you know, magic missiles don't need attack rolls, and they explicitly don't work against anyone with total concealment. So even if you rolled a 20, you won't expect any kind of success.
But you rolled a one, you can still expect failures. Your magic missile hit some object, which clangs loudly, and the sleeping villains are waken by it and now assembling.

I roll Use Magic Device to try to use a wand. Rolled 1. And in reality the wand isn't magical to begin with.

Dire Moose
2017-09-02, 01:00 PM
Your attempt to use a stick of dynamite as a magic wand ends up having a pretty dramatic effect when you activate it with a lit match.

I roll to roller skate in a buffalo herd.

2017-09-02, 05:31 PM
You are stampeded over by a herd of rollerskating buffalo.

I roll to destroy the lich's phylactery.

2017-09-02, 09:50 PM
The lich thanks you profusely for becoming his secondary phylactery and having the original phylactery placed somewhere nothing can enter but everything can leave.

I roll to rage.

2017-09-15, 03:02 PM
You find yourself incredibly calm, so much so that you fall asleep on the spot. You are promptly mugged.

I roll to roll a 1.

2017-09-16, 11:49 AM
You roll a nat 20. The thread implodes.

I roll to sing in the rain

2017-09-16, 05:24 PM
You attempt to do the swinging-on-the-lamppost thing, but you fall and break your arm.

You attempt to create a D&D character. :smalltongue:

2017-09-17, 01:09 AM
...I don't think you are following the format here. I'm going to assume you rolled a 1 to follow the thread. :smalltongue:

I roll to explain to GravityEmblem how this works, ideally in as condescending a manner as possible.

2017-09-18, 10:12 AM
You convince yourself that gravityemblem was right and become his slave to repay your confusion.

I roll to watch teen titans.

2017-09-18, 12:26 PM
You find yourself watching a Teen Titans Go marathon instead. Ouch.

I roll to make some coffee.

2017-09-20, 04:02 PM
You discover there are exactly zero coffee beans in the house, and collapse to the floor in a sobbing heap of caffeine withdrawal.

I roll to find my lost sheep in a blizzard.

2017-09-20, 05:04 PM
Your SHEEP evolved into FROST SHEEP. Your FROST SHEEP freeze you solid, then run away. No clue what I was going for with the capitals. Maybe MS paint adventures? Fans of that, tell me how I did.
I roll to listen to the music.

2017-09-20, 07:33 PM
You go deaf.

I roll to go blind.

2017-09-20, 07:35 PM
You gain perfect clarity. And see everything including old people and your family having sex, and sensory overload causes you to be in a comalike state.

I roll to kill my neighbour

2017-09-21, 05:49 AM
You stab him, but you actually save him from an heart attack by relieving his obstructed arteries. Every medic in the area has no idea how you even managed that. Your annoying neighbor reveres you as his savior and promise you his eternal gratefulness, without actually giving you any help at all when you are prosecuted for attempted murder.

I roll to drink a glass of water.

2017-09-22, 07:00 PM
You accidentally spill the glass of water all over an Effreti lord. You are tortured horribly and die.

I roll to read OOTS.

2017-09-22, 10:29 PM
You read a bowl of stew. It's not very good stew. You shouldn't eat it.

I roll to roll to roll.

2017-10-18, 08:32 PM
The die fractures upon hitting the table top, sending shards flying

I roll to escape my crazy friends

2017-10-18, 09:26 PM
You are now in a hive mind with your crazy friends knowing and understanding everything they know and do. the bad side? you are the omega they control you not the other way around.

I roll to play The Game.

2017-10-23, 01:29 PM
You forget the rules, give up, decide to play Monopoly instead, lose horribly and have no fun.

I roll to understand the thread rules. Again.

2017-10-23, 06:46 PM
Granted! Each poster corrupts the wish of the previous poster, then makes a wish of their own to be corrupted.

I roll to be a functional adult.

2017-10-23, 07:03 PM
You spend all your time on the internet with this hobby soon taking up all your time.

I roll to read a book.

2017-10-23, 09:31 PM
You succeed perfectly, and read the entire Necronomicon in one sitting. Oh, you meant to read the Necrocomicon? Whoops.

I roll to PARKOUR!

Mister Tom
2017-10-24, 12:14 PM
You fail to find your house keys.

I roll to move silently across the moonlit courtyard.

2017-10-24, 04:18 PM
the moon hears your movements through the vacuum of space, and everyone else for that matter.

i roll to have my notebook in the exact same place i left it.

2017-10-25, 04:30 AM
Your notebook is in a box, in a locked and guarded vault, in a cave, behind a waterfall, in the depths of the Amazonian jungle.

I roll to retrieve the notebook for Extrail.

2017-10-27, 09:18 PM
Your source of information was wrong: it never was in that vault. It was exactly where Extrail left it.

I roll to gather food.

2017-10-27, 10:52 PM
You have destroyed food.
All of it.

I roll to make scrambled eggs.

2017-10-28, 11:32 AM
You scramble your legs.

I roll to draw a pretty picture.

2017-10-28, 11:47 AM
Your picture looks amazing... to you. When you go to put it on display any that see it flee from terror, screaming "OHPLEASEGODNO!!!"

I roll to find the CD I want in my collection

2017-11-01, 11:19 PM
You seem to have lost all your CDs.

I roll to open the door, get on the floor, and then, subsequently, walk the dinosaur.

2017-11-04, 10:25 AM
You confuse a push door for a pull door and never make it in.

I roll to roll a die.

5a Violista
2017-11-07, 12:33 AM
You accidentally roll your game piece instead. Everyone thinks it's hilarious.

I roll to play percussion.

2017-11-07, 07:55 PM
You play the angry Russian, and give yourself a concussion

I roll to go back to sleep.

Dire Moose
2017-11-09, 10:25 AM
You toss and turn as you attempt to sleep, which knocks the oil lamp from your nightstand to the floor, causing you and your entire house to go up in flames.

I roll to put out the raging fire.

2017-11-09, 02:22 PM
Turns out that wasn't water but nitro-glycerine that you just threw onto a fire, best of luck.

I roll to find a fire extinguisher.

2017-11-21, 12:02 PM
You find a man named extinguisher who is on fire.

I roll to cast magic missile at the darkness.

2017-11-25, 05:29 PM
You hit your right foot instead and the darkness laughs at you.

I roll a acrobatic check to cross a roof top.

Dire Moose
2017-11-26, 08:01 PM

You fall 20 stories down and hit the cold, hard ground very quickly. And then a truck runs over you.

I roll to paint a beautiful picture of an idyllic pastoral landscape.

Book Wombat
2017-11-29, 01:12 PM
You are color blind, it turns to look like a burning village

I roll to find your Atlas to find where Djibouti is

2017-11-29, 01:13 PM
"...and that's how the Nazi's were brain washed by the covenant and were tread upon by Mike Tyson."
[End of Lecture]

I roll to FLY!!!

2017-11-29, 02:19 PM
You jump from a tree and the ground rushes up to meet you.

I shot at a orc with a bow and arrow.

2017-11-30, 02:51 PM
You shoot a bow and arrow with an orc. He is displeased.

I roll my inteligence stat.

Dire Moose
2017-11-30, 06:19 PM
Durrrrrrrrrrrrr I r so smurt hurr hurr hurr.

I roll to ask my high school sweetheart to the prom.

2017-12-02, 08:32 AM
They are your true love. They also say No. You will never love again...

I roll 5 dice in a game of Yahtzee.

2017-12-02, 08:39 PM
You put the five dice into the cup and give it a shake. When you roll the dice only 2 come out. Some how you are accused of cheating.

I set-up a Nintendo Switch to play the latest Mario game.

2017-12-04, 10:06 AM
You turn it on and theres no battery. When you plug it in it sparks and cuts the power for the whole building. When the power comes back you see that all of your electronic items have been fried and will never work again.

I roll to buy a sandwich.

2017-12-04, 10:10 AM
You buy the sandwich, but it turns out you take the sandwich of a rather emotional (give 'im a break world, his girlie just left 'im.) gangster, who tracks you down and... well, we all know where that goes right? To top it off? It wasn't even a great sandwich...

I roll to [REDACTED] Find what was redacted.

Dire Moose
2017-12-04, 11:53 AM
OH MY GOD! I didn't even know it could break like that! And just how many pieces did you say their skull was in? Seriously, the amount of blood in the human body couldn't possibly be spread over that much space. I don't even know what half of these chunks of internal organs used to be. Pretty sure the funeral is going to be closed casket.

I roll to sweet-talk Santa Claus into putting me on the nice list this year.

2017-12-04, 06:07 PM
Santa: ...
Santa: You know what? I'll just put you on this list. A nice, exclusive list for people just like you! It even comes with some very nice bodyguards for you, and a super nice jacket that gives you a hug while you wear it! Now why don't you just follow the nice people...and get as far away from here as possible...

I roll to subtly put my Secret Santa present in the appropriate box.

2017-12-05, 03:37 PM
You do it so subtly that people don't notice it's even there and it gets left there forever.

Roll to use spellcheck.

2017-12-05, 08:28 PM
You give it to someone else to put in the box so it's more subtle. The person you choose is your secret santa.

I roll to actually find a secret santa gift.

Dire Moose
2017-12-05, 09:19 PM
Due to also rolling a 1 on spellcheck, you find a Secret Satan gift instead. A magic skull that summons a thousand angry hellwasps ought to be perfect for your Aunt Gertrude this year!

I roll to put up the Christmas lights on the roof.

2017-12-07, 10:47 AM
You slip. You fall. You breake a Leg. The snow rolls down the roof. You get burried alive. Well, alive for now...

I roll to find the Moose that was suposed to "put up the Christmas lights on the roof".

2017-12-07, 10:35 PM
You find a rabid Dire Bull Moose. He seems upset about something.

I roll to avoid the impending Moose like Doom.

2017-12-08, 12:59 AM
The moose is actually running from a bear, and the moose outrun you, guess who's next on the menu.

I roll to have a successful picnic

2017-12-08, 01:06 AM
You're picnic is successfully raised by giant ants.

I rolled to get a dragon tattoo.

2017-12-08, 07:08 AM
You get this http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-021, and are then abducted by a mysterious evil organisation who keeps you in a cell for the rest of your natural life.

I roll to find the holy grail.

2017-12-08, 10:27 AM
The holy grail was never meant to be found, are the last words you hear as the thousands of celestials descend upon you.

I roll to find the purple pool noodle.

Dire Moose
2017-12-08, 10:56 AM
You find it. It's being used as a toy for a bunch of sharks at the local aquarium. Your attempt at retrieving it ends in getting nommed.

I roll to jump onto a moving freight train.

2017-12-08, 05:27 PM
You jump straight past the train and onto one going in the other direction. Also, the ticket inspector is a zombie, all the passengers are zombies, and they're hungry. What? The undead need trains too.

I roll to sing a song to woo a fine maiden.

2017-12-09, 04:42 PM
You're screeching makes her run away in shear terror.

I roll to buy a plain ticket to Los Vegas.

2017-12-10, 04:05 PM
Your plane ticket got you safely to Los Vilos (Chile).

I roll diplomacy to neogotiate peace with hungry mastiff in my basement.

2017-12-11, 02:52 PM
the mastiff was put from violent, to volatile. in other words, it went from foaming at the mouth, to foaming at the mouth with deep red eyes, it is now covering the distance between you very quickly.

i roll a reflex save to avoid the charging volatile mastiff.

Dire Moose
2017-12-12, 10:15 PM
You trip and fall on the floor. The mastiff leaps on you and gives you a big wet slobbery doggy kiss all over your face, completely humiliating you.

I search the room for traps.

5a Violista
2017-12-13, 06:57 PM
Upon discovering the trap (https://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=clay+pigeon+trap&tag=mh0b-20&index=aps&hvadid=3527396497&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_1u2x9npmjn_e) you accidentally turn it on and are suddenly pelted with clay pigeons.

I roll to shoot clay pigeons.

2017-12-18, 01:50 PM
i wanted to wait for someone else to post, but it's been way too long since someone has, so i'm just gonna post

your bullet completely missed the clay pigeon, but another man attempting to assassinate you does, this is a short lived victory however, as the fragments from the clay pigeon embed themselves in your brain, putting you in a coma.
(don't cite my science on that, it just happened)

I roll to eat a jalapeno seed.

2017-12-19, 10:53 AM
Do you know what a jalapeno is? It's definitely not a jalapeņo. Well, you eat a jalapeno seed, and apparently a jalapeno is a new type of whale. Also, you swallowed it whole.

I roll a sanity check when faced with Cthulu.

Dire Moose
2017-12-20, 09:04 PM
Abraham Lincoln sails by on a giant flying banana and congratulates you on staying sane.

I roll to win a drinking contest.

2017-12-21, 02:44 PM
No one even seen someone chug gasoline before and you really put it away.

I roll to run away from the impending explosion.

2017-12-23, 08:01 PM
You run INTO the impending explosion.

I roll to learn "Roundabout" by Yes on guitar.

2017-12-23, 08:14 PM
You learn it on the theremin. Your neighbors riot.

I roll to avoid a heart attack.

2017-12-25, 06:13 PM
Your heart implodes with the force of a thousand dying suns.

I roll to exercise restraint at Christmas dinner.

2017-12-25, 07:36 PM
A horror movie is going to be made from what you did. Just, WOW! The brutality and what you said were unreal.

I roll to slip away into the night.

2017-12-26, 02:08 AM
You actually rolled pretty well... but it's noon.

I roll to make a sandwich.

2017-12-28, 03:45 PM
Well, you got the sand part anyway. (gritty goodness)

I roll to avoid falling in the snow outside.

2017-12-29, 04:33 PM
You miss the snow but the cliff was unexpected. Good news is your Wilhelm scream was perfect as you fell to your death

I roll for a pair of comfortable shoes.

Dire Moose
2017-12-30, 02:31 AM
The shoes are actually cleverly-disguised mimics that start eating your feet once you put them on.

I roll to play the violin.

2018-01-02, 05:18 AM
The poor violin... It so enjoyed having strings.

I roll to drink a glass of water.

2018-01-02, 01:11 PM
You somehow spill all of the water and swallow the entire glass.

I role to make a new D&D character.

2018-01-02, 03:13 PM
You now have a Call of Cthulu character that starts the game insane.

I roll to roll.

Dire Moose
2018-01-02, 05:44 PM
You throw the d20 in such a way that it gets lodged in your throat and chokes you to death.

I roll to fly an airplane.

2018-01-08, 02:04 PM
You managed to fly a submarine for a record distance: 16.5 feet.

I roll to tie my shoes.

2018-01-08, 07:41 PM
You somehow tie your hands and feet together and are unable to move.

I roll to make some meatloaf.

2018-01-08, 07:46 PM
You forget to put in meat!

I roll to start a thread on this forum.

2018-01-09, 11:41 PM
You forget to put in meat!

I roll to start a thread on this forum.

You delete your computer's OS.

I roll to throw lemons at life.

2018-01-10, 10:23 AM
You crit your throw dmg at the nearest living thing....which happens to be you. Death by Lemon

I roll to roll a 1

2018-01-10, 08:27 PM
You roll a nat 4677823897278326647493.5. On a d20.

I roll to post on this thread.

2018-01-11, 10:49 PM
You post so horribly that all the other posts are just complaining about you derailing the the entire thread.

I roll to dust my house.

2018-01-11, 11:08 PM
Somehow you ended up getting you house even dustier.

I roll to not have to roll

Dire Moose
2018-01-12, 12:41 AM
You end up rolling every last die in the universe. And you get a natural 1 on all of them.

I roll to stealthily infiltrate the enemy base.

2018-01-12, 11:15 AM
You end up tap dancing through the halls, casting Dancing Lights, and shouting "I'M INVISIBLE!!!"

I roll to save against fear.

2018-01-12, 01:48 PM
You crap your pants and let out a high pitch scream. The tiny spider that scared you is embarrassed for you.

I roll to make a save against being possessed.

2018-01-12, 02:08 PM

I roll to perform an exorcism (:smalleek:).

Dire Moose
2018-01-12, 03:18 PM
No, NothingAbnormal. You are the demons.

I roll to hit the incoming baseball with the bat.

2018-01-13, 03:50 PM
You get swarmed by animal right actives for trying to use a harmless little bat to hit a baseball with.

I roll to drive a car.

2018-01-14, 02:29 AM
As you get into the car, and start it, you set it to reverse. The car rolls out of your driveway, across the road into the neighbhors garage door.

I roll to make enough money for the garage door

2018-01-14, 02:32 AM
You end up in debt to the Yakuza, Mafia and pretty much every other criminal organization there is. Now they are hunting you for your Organs.

I roll to harvest a strawberry

Dire Moose
2018-01-14, 08:24 AM
You grab a big handful of poison ivy instead and only realize your mistake after trying to eat it. Fortitude save time!

I roll to rob a train.

2018-01-14, 09:12 AM
They-re gonna hang me in the morning,
A'fore this night is done,
They're gonna hang me in the mornin',
And I'll never see the sun,

I roll to get in the gallows as... Emotional support! :smalltongue:

2018-01-14, 09:17 AM
You break the poor mans mind with your feeble attempts at cheering him up. He can no longer feel emotions and begs for the hanging to begin.

I roll to ask out a golden dragon.

2018-01-14, 03:13 PM
Gold dragon courtship begins with a credit check... your score is -43. Your prospective paramour is less than impressed.

I roll to escape the jail cell.

2018-01-21, 12:03 PM
Um. What jail cell? Are you alright? Are you halucinating?

I roll to ride my bike.

2018-01-21, 08:18 PM
After the front tire of your bike hits a pebble, which is lodged within a rock, your bike makes a slight bump, then you notice a clifg, a mere 20 ft. away.

I roll to jump off my bike.

Dire Moose
2018-01-22, 11:31 AM
You get your foot badly tangled in the bike chain instead, causing it to seize up and flip over. You and the bike crash right into a grizzly bear.

I make a Handle Animal check to calm down the bear.

2018-01-22, 12:13 PM
It works TOO well, the bear thinks you're it's mother and tries to...feed off you.

I try to shove the bear off me.

2018-01-29, 10:03 PM
The bear is actually undead, and as you kick it, your foot breaks through it's chest cavity.

I roll to cast Turn Undead.

2018-01-29, 10:56 PM
The undead bear Turns you.

I roll to find my way out of the wilderness.

Dire Moose
2018-01-30, 05:49 PM
You manage to find your way to a huge gaping canyon and end up falling down the 2000-foot drop to the bottom.

I roll to cast Feather Fall before I hit the bottom.

2018-01-30, 05:55 PM
You conjure a feather, and it falls.

I roll to cut a pizza into 8 equal pieces.

2018-02-13, 09:17 PM
You get 8 perfectly sized crumbs, all of the same size. Where the rest of the pizza went you might not wanna know.

I roll to remember the 12th king of england.

2018-02-14, 05:19 PM
You think that you were the 12th king of England, and that you were deposed in the year 1924.

I roll to sit down in a recliner.

Dire Moose
2018-02-16, 08:21 AM
You mistakenly sit on a bear trap instead.

I roll to do well on a World History test.

2018-02-25, 08:41 PM
You do terribly. To give you an idea of how terrible you did, when asked what country is also a continent, you answered "the moon".

I roll to roll my die in such a way that it stays on the table, instead of any where else.

2018-03-01, 10:59 PM
Your die careens across the table, hitting everyone else's dice before flying off to crack a lamp, dent the wall, and hit you straight in the forehead before landing on the floor and rolling under the couch. Oh, and it landed on a '1'. As did every die it hit on the table.

I roll to see if I can insult the girl I'm crushing on because I'm too much of a coward to actually ask her out.

2018-03-02, 10:59 AM
You propose.
She says yes.
I'm happy for you, Crisis21!

I roll to check the time.

Dire Moose
2018-03-08, 05:52 PM
You somehow manage to chop your hand off in an attempt to get a better look at your watch.

I wish for my very own friendly dragon.

2018-03-08, 06:02 PM
*Rolls* *Rolls* *Consults the critical failure chart*

Um... wow... So, you somehow managed to forget that you were eating a muffin when you opened your mouth to make the Wish and in the process of taking a breath managed to somehow inhale the whole muffin halfway down your throat where it is now stuck. The genie that was to grant you the Wish ended up laughing so hard at your predicament that the spell binding them to the wishing vessel broke and they were dismissed back to their home plane as you lay on the floor choking to death.

I roll to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on Dire Moose.

2018-03-11, 09:34 AM
You do CPR instead, and then kill Dire Moose by compressing their chest too hard. Oops!

I roll to pick the paladin's pocket.

2018-03-11, 10:46 AM
The paladin giggles playfully and whispers in your ear. "My place, at dusk. Bring some wine. Here's the key..." Hands you a key and saunters off.

I roll a UMD check to cast prestidigitation with a wand.

Dire Moose
2018-03-12, 10:33 AM
You cast Fireball by mistake and you were pointing the wand at yourself when you did that.

I roll to extinguish myself.

2018-03-13, 10:06 PM
You extinguish yourself. In the final sense.

I roll diplomacy to calm the mob.

2018-03-13, 10:57 PM
Okay... um... ew...

Unfortunately, your attempts to calm the mob made your their target. You are now a giant smear on the road and the mob is as angry as ever.

I roll to clean up the mess.

2018-03-15, 12:17 AM
As you unsuccessfully attempt to mop away the smear, you find that your mop is sticking to the ground. As you lift up the mop to look at it, the ground rumbles, and a gigantic Black Pudding forms out of the smear. Guess you didn't check the cleaning solution well enough...

I roll to run from the Black Pudding. ...And the still-raging mob.

Dire Moose
2018-03-15, 05:38 AM
You trip. You fall. The mob beats you to death with pitchforks and torches, and the black pudding eats what's left.

I roll to go skiing.

2018-03-15, 08:34 AM
The left ski comes off. You manage to twist, spin, and flail your way through the trees Goofy style, screaming the whole way as you gain speed, you accidentally cross out of bounds and shoot straight through a high pile of snow which turns you into a skiing snowman. And now a rapidly growing snow ball is chasing you. As your snowman drifts away away from you shivering frame, you can finally see that the snowball chasing you is about 7 feet diameter now and closing fast!

Because you are looking back, you don't see the bear that has come out of hibernation. You plow into it. It is now riding you piggy back style and looking just as confused as you. It looks back to see the 9 foot snow ball, and roars in panic, whipping you with his paw, like a jockey whips a horse to get you to go faster. Leaning in and winding between the trees, you manage to smack your face on every single tree branch you come near on the way down the hill, but you finally make it through the clearing. You and the bear share a moment of relief as you look at each other like two survivors in a disaster would. Then *smack* you collide, spread eagle onto the side of a log cabin, bear on top of you looking like a splayed out rug. Then, but a moment later, the now 12' foot snowball buries you in snow, and knocks the cabin forward... over a cliff.

I roll to sit down into the pillowy comfort of an easy chair.
*Let's see you crit fail this.

2018-03-15, 08:43 AM
You throw yourself into the chair, hitting the back at such an angle that you knock the chair over. As you and the chair fall, you somehow manage to flail in such a way that the chair ends up on top of you, trapping you under its pillowy weight.

...I roll to stop laughing.

2018-03-15, 05:50 PM
You throw yourself into the chair, hitting the back at such an angle that you knock the chair over. As you and the chair fall, you somehow manage to flail in such a way that the chair ends up on top of you, trapping you under its pillowy weight.

...I roll to stop laughing.

You think of the funniest joke in history, literally die of laughter.

...I roll to find a needle in a haystack.

2018-03-16, 09:54 AM
remember this one being used before...
you find it all right, right in the callus of your pinky finger, as the poison starts to move through your body, your life flashes before your eyes, you remember all of the other times throughout your life you have crit failed, all culminating to this final moment, your death, an the death of a thread.

I roll to save the thread!

2018-03-18, 05:19 PM
The thread dies, and is reanimated and tries to eat you.

I roll to hit it with a spatula

2018-03-18, 06:20 PM
You miss as the DM reminds everyone that the thread has yet to reach page 49 and thus is not yet eligible to be slain by any means other than prolonged unpopularity and thus its demise has been retconned out. You still took a swing with the spatula at nothing and overextend, falling flat on your face.

In a fit of whimsy, I think faceplanting looks fun so I roll to perform one myself.

2018-03-18, 09:56 PM
You miss and facepalm the poster above you.

I roll to blink.

2018-03-18, 10:33 PM
The gunk in your eyes jams your lids open. By tradition, the only way to fix it is for someone to get caught kissing you.

I roll to chase a squirrel out of my house.