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elanfanboy
2018-03-21, 09:26 AM
The squirrel successfully chases you out of your own house, more squirrels follow it in, they fortify the position.

I roll to twitch my pinky finger a milometer.

inexorabletruth
2018-03-21, 10:41 AM
The twitch of your finger slightly alters the circulation of air around you... just enough to throw a butterfly off course. It has to flutter a few extra times to land on the flower it was trying to land on, creating newer stronger wind currents, which grow in size and power as it spirals towards the sea, funneling into a giant devastating hurricane that sucks sharks out of the water creating Sharknado! NOOOOooooo!

I roll to run away from another Sharknado sequel!

bc56
2018-03-21, 04:35 PM
Not only do you fail to escape, but you become the protagonist. The cheesy movie is so successful, you are forced at gunpoint to play the same part in three more sequels.

I roll to arrest Belkar Bitterleaf for murder.

Crisis21
2018-03-21, 07:23 PM
As your bloodied carcass is zipped up into a bodybag, the local constabulary shakes his head sadly. "Looks like the sexy shoeless god of war got another one."


I roll to perform the autopsy.

CosmicHobbit
2018-03-22, 06:47 AM
Yes! The autopsy went perfectly, and(assistant whispers into ear)...what? Really? Well, I guess you actually performed a biopsy, and you somehow damaged the autopsy equipment in doing so, so...good job on a perfect biopsy on someone dead?

I roll to fix the autopsy equipment.

NRSASD
2018-03-22, 01:42 PM
Your autopsy repairs go perfectly! Truly, there has never been a more perfectly fixed machine than the one you just finished working on. Such is your pride at your accomplishment that you insist on testing it out personally.

Police later state that they were baffled by how one person could contain so much blood, or how on earth an autopsy machine could spray blood onto the third floor from the basement.

As your assistant, I roll to forget the horrific events I witnessed on that fateful day.

Dire Moose
2018-03-22, 10:46 PM
You gain a completely photographic memory that covers only that one day, and you dream about it every single night.

I roll to win an archery contest.

Crisis21
2018-03-22, 10:49 PM
"Yes, officer, that's him. That's the contestant that tripped and shot one of the other competitors with his bow, and then instead of call for help or dial 911, he tried to keep competing and shot more people!"

"Dire Moose, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..."


I roll to find Dire Moose a competent defense attorney.

inexorabletruth
2018-03-23, 08:09 AM
You find a sleaze lawyer instead who works for the mob. They buy you the verdict you need, but you work for them now. *eyes you menacingly to imply you have no choice* As a hitman. Who uses a bow and arrow.

I roll to hide from the hitman.

CosmicHobbit
2018-03-26, 05:56 PM
You hide by crashing at my house. Three days after coming to my house, you get a sense of dread. You hear a knock on the door, and look through the peephole. It's me coming back from getting groceries, so you open the door. That's when I take off a mask of my face, revealing the hitman's face. You're stunned into inactivity. How could this happen? As he takes out a bow from the grocery bag, he says, "You trusted the wrong guy." He puts an arrow in the bow and draws back the string. "CosmicHobbit gave you up the second I offered him cookies and ice cream."

The next day, I bury your corpse while eating ice cream with cookies mixed in.

I roll to cover up the fact that I died due to autopsy equipment malfunction, and yet offered refuge to inexorabletruth.

bc56
2018-03-26, 06:01 PM
Everyone knows, and the paradox that is revealed destroys the time-space continuum. Oops!

I roll to fix the time-space continuum.

Crisis21
2018-03-26, 06:27 PM
Success! You put everything back in the right order. Cavemen discovered cold fusion, Nikola Tesla was the first president of the USSR, Donald Trump is the Queen of England, the White House is a night club for aliens run by Mulder and Scully, and the Nazi party was a drag queen entertainment troupe during the roaring 1290s.


I roll to pass my history final in the repaired timeline.

Extrail
2018-04-10, 11:31 AM
You think the initial timeline was the correct timeline so obviously everything was wrong.

I roll to find out when fission was invented.

Korith
2018-04-10, 03:22 PM
Fission was invented when a Kobold first tied a rock to a stick using some vines, and a fish bit the rock.

I make a listen check to see if my train is coming.

Trevortni
2018-04-10, 04:08 PM
Next time try to do it without putting your head on the tracks.

I check to see if I have anything in my eye.

Extrail
2018-04-10, 05:41 PM
You took your own eyes out to check. You now think it was on the other eye all along.

I roll to see if the chili is burnt.

Crisis21
2018-04-10, 09:53 PM
In your attempt to see if the chili is burnt, you light it on fire.


I roll to put out the fire.

Korith
2018-04-11, 08:50 PM
You succeed in removing the fire from the chili. It's now all over you.

I roll to pat out the fire with the broad side of a broadsword

JenBurdoo
2018-04-12, 12:14 AM
The fire is out... and so are you.

I roll to provide first aid.

Extrail
2018-04-12, 09:04 AM
You end up killing him instead.

I roll to resurrect him.

Crisis21
2018-04-12, 10:32 AM
You mix up the bodies and manage to resurrect your worst enemy instead.

I roll to help Extrail re-kill his worst enemy

Korith
2018-04-12, 12:37 PM
You succeed! ... In stabbing Extrail with his worst enemy. Apparently this worst enemy likes wearing a pointy helmet.

I roll to stop the cycle of violence

philipmorgann
2018-04-15, 01:19 PM
He just wants a hug.

Extrail
2018-04-15, 01:36 PM
Everything that could possibly harm you in any way is done to you.

I roll for the previous poster to actually write what he's rolling.

Crisis21
2018-04-15, 02:24 PM
He's rolling to get a hug, which you misinterpret as wanting to be stabbed repeatedly with a rusty spoon until dead.


I roll to get a fork.

CosmicHobbit
2018-04-15, 03:11 PM
You get a spifeula. Yes, that is a spoon, knife, and spatula. It's so rare and new that you are immediately mugged and the spifeula is stolen from you. Oh well.

I roll to eat a burger.

Korith
2018-04-16, 09:01 AM
You drip ketchup on your nice shirt.

I roll to remove the stain.

Extrail
2018-04-16, 09:26 AM
The stain becomes larger, and seems inseparable from the shirt.

I roll to clean the shirt.

Crisis21
2018-04-16, 10:25 AM
You manage to completely eradicate the shirt without affecting the stain.


I roll to comprehend how this is even possible.

Dire Moose
2018-04-17, 10:57 AM
Your brain explodes.

I roll to hit the golf ball into the hole.

Extrail
2018-04-17, 10:59 AM
The golf ball is in a hole just one you recently created.

I roll to see where the designated hole he was talking about is.

Korith
2018-04-18, 10:40 AM
You attempt to Use Magic Device to cast Arcane Eye using a scroll that happens to be right beside you. Unfortunately, you rolled a 1, which resulted in the scroll exploding in a blast of arcane energy. Your ears are now ringing.

I roll to attempt first aid.

Crisis21
2018-04-18, 08:19 PM
You bandage Extrail like a mummy. Using asbestos strips.


I roll to find Extrail a good hospital to help with the asbestos poisoning.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-04-18, 10:52 PM
You don't find one. You drive for two hours trying to get to one you think you found on the map, but it's actually the center of a wildlife preserve.

I roll to set up a safe campsite.

Dire Moose
2018-04-18, 11:29 PM
You wake up with a grizzly bear in your sleeping bag with you, after he's already eaten your food and trashed all your stuff.

I make a Wild Empathy check on the bear.

Extrail
2018-04-19, 09:05 AM
The bear rampages, and mauls you and dr. guns for hands.

I roll to write a reply to this thread.

Korith
2018-04-19, 11:33 AM
Somehow, in your critical failure, your fingers fall off.

I roll to reattach Extrail's fingers using some silly putty, knitting needles, and a ball of yarn.

Crisis21
2018-04-19, 03:22 PM
You successfully reattach his fingers... to your toes. You also attach his hands to your hips, your foot to his mouth, his feet to your back, and your lips to his buttocks.


I roll to find a cure for lycanthropy.

@V: Arrooooo!

CosmicHobbit
2018-04-19, 05:54 PM
You have successfully made a virus which is extremely infectious and makes the infected contract lycanthropy. You also infected yourself.

I roll to create an intriguing and epic campaign.

Extrail
2018-04-20, 11:46 AM
You managed to make life the game. An incredibly short tale of a bacteria needless to say the way you told it even the most intrigued fell asleep shortly into it.

I roll to give money to the poor.

LordArgon
2018-04-22, 08:45 PM
You manage to successfully lobby for 100% taxation of all income for those below the poverty line.

I roll to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

elanfanboy
2018-04-23, 01:16 PM
The middle of the street within the beam of a nearby streetlight is not a very good hiding spot...

I roll to not be killed as a witness.

CosmicHobbit
2018-04-23, 06:05 PM
You're found within a day and killed without even you knowing. Turns out when you tried to call the witness protection program, you accidently called the killer. Who knew?

I roll to pet my cat in such a way as to make it fall asleep.

Extrail
2018-04-23, 07:10 PM
You put it to sleep permanently. In other words it's dead.

I roll to find my face.

Crisis21
2018-04-23, 08:40 PM
You have managed to lose face in front of everyone. How embarrassing!


Having lost a bet (don't ask), I must spend my week convincing others that genetic engineering is vile, monstrous, and will definitely not result in sexy animal-people. *rolls*

CosmicHobbit
2018-04-24, 05:48 PM
You convince people that genetic engineering is a magnificent thing, and everybody you talk to becomes a genetic engineer whose sole goal is to create sexy animal-people. That is done in a matter of months, and soon enough sexy animal-people are campaigning for the same rights as humans. Some humans help, but most of those people do so simply because they want something *cough* from the animal-people. In the year 2020, sexy animal-people live the same as humans, albeit with some small differences *cough*.

I roll to convince one of these animal-people that I am not the man for them, because I am a nerdy human.

Extrail
2018-04-25, 10:43 AM
He disagrees, and makes certain you really enjoy his company, and you are the man for him.

I roll to stop the animal-people from becoming popular to do.

PopeLinus1
2018-05-03, 08:33 AM
They become this forums mascot.

I roll to read of Mice and Men

Crisis21
2018-05-03, 11:41 AM
You somehow end up reading Fifty Shades of Gray instead... and do your book report on it. Your teacher wants a few words with your parents and you have to see the school counselor every day until you're fifty.


I roll to discover the meaning of life.

Dire Moose
2018-05-03, 09:41 PM
You realize too late that it is not actually to die in the most spectacular fashion possible.

I roll to successfully land a commercial airliner after the crew has been incapacitated.

Extrail
2018-05-03, 10:33 PM
You "land" the airliner by crashing deep into the earth reaching the lower mantle while the people on board harass, and attack you.

I ro'll to save the people on the plane before they die.

CosmicHobbit
2018-05-04, 05:37 AM
Yay! You saved them! You're a hero an-...you did grab the people and not the mannequins right? No? Well. At least you saved mannequins! But yeah, all the people are gonna die.

I roll to reverse time to before the plane 'landed'.

PopeLinus1
2018-05-04, 06:59 AM
Hang on- whatís that about killing Abraham Lincoln?

I roll to burn the 50 shades of grey book.

Extrail
2018-05-04, 10:27 AM
You discover no flame can burn it, and as a result it is accepted as doctrine for all religions, and schools.

I roll to make a grilled cheese sandwhich

PopeLinus1
2018-05-04, 11:08 AM
You discover no flame can toast the bread

I roll to track a cult of lizardfolk

Crisis21
2018-05-04, 12:13 PM
You manage to get hopelessly lost in the mountains, wandering aimlessly until you trip over a cliff, tumbling all the way down and landing barely alive right on the cult's sacrificial altar with the lead cultist about to stab you with the ceremonial dagger.


I roll to take a census of bandits in the area.

bc56
2018-05-04, 01:37 PM
You convince the bandits that you're a tax collector, and they beat you to death and leave you lying in a ditch.

I roll to collect taxes.

Extrail
2018-05-04, 03:33 PM
You succeed in taking money from the poor, but the rich send their goons after you, and leave you perpetually on the run.

I roll to make people understand the meaning of life.

PopeLinus1
2018-05-04, 03:58 PM
Wow. You know something? I donít think anyone of us is really alive, at least not since that strander showed up and convinced me that we were all dead.


I roll to slay the dragon(its tough becuase itís in a dungeon)

Crisis21
2018-05-04, 05:37 PM
Dragon: *burp* Hmm... nicely tenderized and marinated with just a hint of saffron. My compliments to the adventurer's guild that sent him.


Okay, so my adventurer's college has cross-alignment requirements to graduate. I have to create an evil empire this semester, and it's like 80% of my final grade in the class. *rolls*

RedneckPhoenix
2018-05-06, 01:19 PM
You somehow manage to not only cause war between all involved in your project, you also somehow set fire to all files proving your ability to stay in college.

I roll to tie my shoes.

Extrail
2018-05-06, 01:29 PM
you trip and fall, and somehow your shoes spontaneously combust.

I roll to stop the fire.

Hish
2018-05-06, 05:08 PM
You try to stamp it out, but you end up setting fire to the dirt. I actually know someone who set his shoes on fire.

I roll to light my shoes on fire.

Dire Moose
2018-05-07, 03:09 AM
You freeze your feet off.

I roll to drive a car.

Crisis21
2018-05-07, 08:54 AM
You somehow manage to pilot a boat right into the living room of a high-rise penthouse.


I roll to investigate how the [email protected]#^ this happened.

Extrail
2018-05-07, 10:14 AM
Your mind literally explodes.

I roll to freeze the fire.

CosmicHobbit
2018-05-07, 04:35 PM
Congratulations, everything's on fire, including the ice cubes. You happy? I know I'm not. And neither are/is (the) god(s).

I roll to convince the gods to declare war upon TPAM.

Dire Moose
2018-05-08, 11:00 AM
Extrail ascends to godhood and then smites you with a hail of meteors.

I roll to play guitar.

Crisis21
2018-05-08, 03:13 PM
You play horribly. Terribly. Worse than anyone has ever played before. What you have done is considered an affront to all music. You are no longer allowed to touch a kazoo for as long as you live.


I have been paid to discover any possible way that could have gone worse. *rolls*

Extrail
2018-05-08, 09:16 PM
well you play the guitar worse, and the very music gods. Cause you to be put through a hellish practice session that lasts for eternity, where you must play music, and constantly be critiqued by the most hateful of teachers the very gods themselves.

I roll to save him from that terrible existence.

PopeLinus1
2018-05-09, 07:31 AM
You try but well... the gods had room for two...

I roll to make a sandwich.

Dire Moose
2018-05-10, 10:53 AM
You somehow manage to set fire to your kitchen, which then explodes when you try to put out the flames.

I roll to win a race through an army obstacle course.

Crisis21
2018-05-11, 12:50 AM
You lose your left leg to the faux barbed wire, your right leg to the mud pit, your left arm to the climbing wall, and your right arm to a random squirrel that just happened to think you were nuts. To top it all off, because you were the slowest, your sergeant says you have to do the whole thing over again.


I roll to convince Dire Moose's sergeant to at least let him reattach his limbs first.

PopeLinus1
2018-05-11, 10:54 AM
Upset by your insubordination, he stitches all the limbs on in the wrong places.

I roll to rebuild my kitchen

Dire Moose
2018-05-11, 10:59 AM
As soon as you finish building it, it spontaneously bursts into flames and explodes again. Guess you should have put more ranks into Profession (electrician).

I roll to go surfing.

PopeLinus1
2018-05-11, 11:01 AM
Oh surfing? Thatís pretty easy, I donít think that anything could- OH GOD OH GOD WHERE DID ALL THE BLOOD COME FROM! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CAR?

I roll to figure out what ďputting ranks intoĒ means. Iím a 5e man.

Extrail
2018-05-11, 12:54 PM
It is said that his brain melted that day. others think he never existed in the first place, besides as a husk of a man.

I roll to make rice, and chew bubblegum.

Crisis21
2018-05-11, 03:28 PM
You search for hours and hours before remembering you are out of bubblegum. Someone also seems to have eaten all the rice.


I roll to remain inconspicuous.

CosmicHobbit
2018-05-14, 06:55 AM
Huh. I've never seens someone remain inconspicuous by squawking like a bird while jumping up and down and waving their arms around in the middle of the street, but you do you.

I roll to become an Deep One.

Dire Moose
2018-05-14, 11:16 PM
You sink to the bottom of the ocean and drown.

I roll a Bluff check to convince the King I didn't rob his personal treasury.

AuthorGirl
2018-05-15, 10:53 AM
"I ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY DID ROB YOUR . . . wait, I mean I absolutely did not rob your treasury, can we start over here? Words, amirite? :smallbiggrin: . . . anyhow, as I was saying, I totally got these crown jewels from uh . . . someplace different from here."

I roll to flirt with someone I like.

Crisis21
2018-05-15, 11:49 AM
Okay, so I came in late to the incident but whatever you did ended up with you being arrested by a SWAT team with military backup and getting slapped with one hundred and seventeen sexual harassment lawsuits along with no less than fifty restraining orders.


I roll to perform an investigation into what happened.


@V: What about my 'the true culprit'?

Extrail
2018-05-16, 06:22 PM
The investigations fall flat, and they think your the true culprit.

While still in musical hell i roll to help him get out of this.

AuthorGirl
2018-05-16, 10:02 PM
The investigations fall flat, and they think your the true culprit.

While still in musical hell i roll to help him get out of this.

You successfully divert suspicion onto your favourite relative.

I roll to become a less evil person than I apparently am :smallfrown:

Dire Moose
2018-05-17, 11:01 AM
Congratulations on becoming the new Demon Queen!

I roll to keep the sharks from eating me.

elanfanboy
2018-05-17, 01:22 PM
The sharks don't eat you. The 200 foot long sea serpent behind manages to swallow the both of you though.

I roll to rip through the sea serpent by jumping into it's mouth with a chainsaw.

Crisis21
2018-05-17, 05:04 PM
Your grip on the chainsaw slips and it chops you into nice bite-size pieces that the sea serpent swallows with no difficulty while the chainsaw lands harmlessly in the water off to the side.


I roll to alert the townsfolk in the nearby village.

Extrail
2018-05-17, 07:23 PM
You were too late the entire town was eaten, and once you finally arrive the sea serpent eats you as well.

I roll to slay the sea serpent.

elanfanboy
2018-05-18, 11:35 AM
*romantic music plays*
As you gaze into each-other's eyes, you realize that you were both destined for each-other. You realize that you were predetermined to meet each-other since the dawn of the universe. You spend the rest of your days in joy, with the sea serpent, who is your all.

rooster707
2018-05-18, 01:37 PM
I roll to come up with something for elanfanboy to roll for.

Dire Moose
2018-05-18, 01:54 PM
As you attempt to roll the die, it somehow lands in your mouth and blocks your trachea, and you choke to death on it. Oh, and it landed on a 1, too.

I roll a Profession (lion tamer) check.

Extrail
2018-05-18, 03:22 PM
There are no lions for you to tame as a result you quickly lose your job, and you can't seem to tame even other big cats. So you become a vagrant, and live homeless.

I roll to see into the past.

Crisis21
2018-05-18, 03:51 PM
Apparently seventy years ago, Earth along with the Lunar, Mars, and Venusian colonies had just developed cheap affordable space travel when the solar system was invaded by a race of hot technicolor alien space babes whose only weakness was seduction. This will make a great historical thesis for your graduate work!


I roll to determine the best method for seducing hot technicolor alien space babes.

elanfanboy
2018-05-21, 09:27 AM
I roll to come up with something for elanfanboy to roll for.

oops.


you start an orphanage and raise all of the technicolor space babies until they grow into adults. That is when you realize it is too late.

I roll to desecrate the body of a noble, then drop him in the center of the ballroom during the gala.:smallamused:

AuthorGirl
2018-05-22, 02:22 PM
oops.


you start an orphanage and raise all of the technicolor space babies until they grow into adults. That is when you realize it is too late.

I roll to desecrate the body of a noble, then drop him in the center of the ballroom during the gala.:smallamused:

That was a lovely funeral you held, and you showed a lot of compassion for the bereaved.

I roll to summon a demon from the Abyss.

Extrail
2018-05-22, 09:17 PM
You instead summon an Angel and it slays you once it reads your mind and shock that you intended to summon a demon.

I roll to make a penny.

Crisis21
2018-05-22, 10:14 PM
You somehow manage to craft an authentic 15th century Spanish dubloon instead.


I roll to determine if the female spirit I'm talking to is an oddly virtuous succubus or a particularly, er, 'liberal' angel.

AuthorGirl
2018-05-23, 03:56 PM
You somehow manage to craft an authentic 15th century Spanish dubloon instead.


I roll to determine if the female spirit I'm talking to is an oddly virtuous succubus or a particularly, er, 'liberal' angel.

She's an angel, and she's not happy that you guessed wrong.

I roll to draw a picture.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-05-23, 08:18 PM
Not only is the nib of your pen clogged up, but the back of your pen leaks. You get ink all over your hands, your clothes, and your cat, but not a drop ever makes it to paper.

I roll to build a giant robot!

Extrail
2018-05-23, 08:29 PM
You build a nanobot which selfreplicates making grey goo as it slowly eats up the entire world the last remaining people see Hitler as an angel compared to you

I roll to stop the grey goo.

PopeLinus1
2018-05-23, 09:34 PM
Oh God... That's... I don't even know how... why is your eyeball over there...

I roll to persuade the town guard that this is totally normal behavior!

Ruess
2018-05-23, 09:53 PM
You offend every guard in the entire town and are hauled to jail with staggering fines.



I roll to make a proper batch of moonshine.

Crisis21
2018-05-23, 11:54 PM
You somehow manage to initiate a 30 megaton explosion from your still. The good news is you didn't suffer.


I roll to investigate this massive crater out in the woods where someone was recently accused of trying to make moonshine.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-05-25, 11:05 PM
You are forced to conclude that the moonshine story was a ruse to cover up a UFO landing.

I roll to pack my bags for vacation. In space.

Extrail
2018-05-26, 08:04 AM
You have a terrible word day inside a wall.

I roll to send word about our l9rd and saviour cthulu

elanfanboy
2018-05-26, 12:46 PM
Your blasphemous lies about Cthulu cause him to force his wrath upon you, you are locked in the Asylum. Enjoy your stay.

I roll diplomacy to reason with the insane man.

Crisis21
2018-05-26, 01:30 PM
You manage to strike up a productive friendship and spend your days talking with him through the walls of your respective padded cells.


I roll to prolong the insanity.

Hish
2018-05-27, 10:40 PM
All forms of mental illness, present and future, are cured.

I roll to ask someone out on a date.

Extrail
2018-05-28, 04:17 PM
you fail to gather the courage to. the person you planned on asking out on a date dies a year later and it is revealed he had loved you.

I roll to resurrect him.

CosmicHobbit
2018-05-29, 04:50 PM
So, you ressurected him...sorta. You sort of went Dr. Frankenstein on him, so now he's unrecognizable through looks, and unrecognizable in personality (you changed his brain). Upon showing him to HisHighestMinio, HisHighestMinio asks who this frankenstein monster is.

I roll to kill the frankenstein monster.

Dire Moose
2018-05-29, 10:51 PM
You wake up in the hospital to find out you spent the last month in a coma and half your bones were snapped in half.

I roll to film a documentary about Blue Whales.

elanfanboy
2018-05-30, 09:59 AM
The blue whales sit absolutely still. As you zoom in closer with the camera, you notice a peculiar black device being worn by one of the whales. It seems that they are filming a documentary on you!

I roll to find a copy of the documentary filmed by the whales.

Extrail
2018-05-30, 10:10 AM
You seem to have learned an enemy of yours has destroyed every copy of this documentary to thwart you.

I roll to reverse time to rescue a copy so I can put it on facebook

Crisis21
2018-05-30, 10:45 AM
You end up sixty five million years in the past.

.....My, that T-Rex looks hungry.


I roll to stop the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Dire Moose
2018-05-30, 10:57 AM
You head to where the meteorite is about to hit the earth and attempt to stop it with your bare hands. Doesn't go very well.

I roll to cast Fireball against the bad guy.

elanfanboy
2018-05-30, 02:27 PM
In retrospect, casting fireball underwater does not seem like as good an idea as it did at the time...

I roll to fight back against Dire Moose. (yes, I'm the bad guy).:smalltongue:

elanfanboy
2018-06-06, 10:18 AM
no addition to the game, but did this thread somehow die?:smallfrown: did I cause it?:smalleek:

Crisis21
2018-06-06, 02:09 PM
Clearly you rolled a '1' to keep interest in the thread going. :smalltongue:

You failed so hard in fighting Dire Moose that the blast that killed you severely wounded the thread as well.


I roll to kill the thread for good.

Dire Moose
2018-06-09, 07:34 AM
The thread ascends to godhood.

I roll to BECOME THE WALRUS!

Extrail
2018-06-09, 02:24 PM
You gain a tusk and happen to know intimately what a walrus courtship is involuntarily.

I roll to handstand

Celticbear
2018-06-14, 08:43 PM
You roll a one, and while you successfully handstand, you are powerless to do anything as some of the worst things are happening before your eyes. You see all of your loved ones eaten by a recently resurrected TRex. That's not the only dinosaur back though, as many of the giant lizards from various eras have come back to reek scaly vengeance on the masses. One of them accidentally activates some nuclear arms, and that makes other countries do the same. All the nukes blow everybody up, except for you. You are left in the steaming wasteland that was planet earth. Your arms eventually fall asleep, and you cant get back on your feet again.

I roll to make some toast.

elanfanboy
2018-06-15, 04:59 PM
As you pull down the lever on the toaster, you hear a faint roar behind you, followed by what sounds like a rocket. You turn around and look out your window. There is a faint shape of a T-Rex with itís back strapped to a missile, seen more clearly as it getís closer. Machine guns begin to fire from itís sides, you stand there and accept your inevitable fate as your house is destroyed in a firy blaze of glory, with you along for the ride.

I roll to restore the earth after the dinosaur caused apocalypse.

Extrail
2018-06-16, 11:44 AM
A new moon is created a land for dinosaurs of all sorts. The few humans that remain are subjugated and suffer fates worse than hell itself.

i roll to kill off the dinosaur oppressors.

Hish
2018-06-18, 09:45 PM
You give birth to new dinosaur oppressors. Somehow.

I roll to raise the babies to revolt against the older generation.

Crisis21
2018-06-18, 10:28 PM
You somehow manage to send them all to an alternate universe from which there is no return. And sterilize the previous generations of dinosaur oppressors in the process.


I roll to seek out new life and new civilizations.

farothel
2018-06-19, 10:46 AM
Your ship blows up and destroys all life and the only civilization in the universe.


I have a stake in my hand and roll to plunge it into the vampire's heart.

Extrail
2018-06-19, 02:04 PM
The vampires makes a nice steak out of you. using the stake as kindling for the fire.

I roll to know the right move.

sneakykitten
2018-06-20, 01:43 AM
You roll a one and immediately like you think, 'Mmm why not just charge into battle and try to hit anything that moves that'd be smart, right? Right.' Then when you charge into battle and try to hit anything that moves you don't actually hit anyone, they surround you and capture you or tie you up or whatever.

I try a Bluff check to tell someone I dislike that their fashion sense is good to avoid offending them and their date at a party.

Crisis21
2018-06-20, 11:06 AM
The person you dislike is an influential ambassador and their date is another nation's royalty. The relationship is the trending topic and has garnered their respective nations several very powerful allies. In the end your insults start a war with no less than twenty-nine different nations.


I roll to help sneakykitten get allies for the war they just started.

Extrail
2018-06-21, 10:23 AM
The war is quick and brutal as not even you step in as an ally as you beg the other nations instead of truly assisting with the war effort. In the end it is 1 man against 29 nations. The war is quick and the 29 nations question why they even sent their armies instead of an assassin.

I roll to see how big was the first pumpkin

farothel
2018-06-21, 10:36 AM
Your test gives a result of 12 parsecs.

I roll to jump over a small river (about 3 feet across).

sneakykitten
2018-06-22, 08:09 PM
You roll a one. While you're jumping you misjudge the distance and land in the water and like get leeches and water plants all over yourself.

I roll to Intimidate a juvenile dragon into giving me some of his gold.

Crisis21
2018-06-22, 09:47 PM
The dragon roasts you over an open flame, wraps you in a giant hot dog bun, slathers you with mustard and relish, and eats you.


I roll to pull the lever.

sneakykitten
2018-06-23, 03:06 AM
The lever opens a trapdoor right beneath your feet and you fall for what seems like ages before hitting the bottom.

I roll to apply a disguise to sneak past some guards.

farothel
2018-06-24, 07:49 AM
You apply garnish make-up to make yourself into a lady of negotiable affection. Not only does the make-up not reflect what these ladies wear in this city, also the guards have just received a memo that day about letting such ladies into the castle (simply put: don't).


I roll to get the plane engine to work again.

sneakykitten
2018-06-24, 03:57 PM
The plane's engine works yet you forgot to put enough gas in and halfway through your flying you just fall.

I roll to resist interrogation by an enemy agent.

Crisis21
2018-06-24, 06:05 PM
You tell them everything. Including all about that embarrassing incident in the sixth grade that you swore your best friends to secrecy over.


I roll to spy on the girl's locker room.

Extrail
2018-06-25, 08:52 PM
The girls easily spot you, and tie you up in a chair. They then take you to the basement, and you discover each and every single one is an expert in their own type of torture. You experience every single one of them personally.

I roll to run for King

Dire Moose
2018-06-25, 10:49 PM
After announcing your intention to challenge the current king, you realize too late that kings aren't elected. In fact, the only ways to become king are to be born into the royal family and inherit the throne, or overthrow the royal family by force. So the king executes you for treason.

I roll to sneak past the guards.

Dutch
2018-06-26, 01:43 AM
You trip and knock yourself out right in front of the guards and wake to find your head impaled on a pike.

I roll to see if I can escape from thieves that after my gold.

Crisis21
2018-06-26, 01:51 AM
You wake up hanging from a flagpole by your underwear. The thieves and any other belongings you may have possessed are long gone.


I roll to dance the macarena.

Dutch
2018-06-26, 02:00 AM
You dance the bus stop instead, insulting your hosts, and are banned for life.

I roll to try and use a skipping rope.

sneakykitten
2018-06-26, 10:38 AM
You roll a one and end up getting yourself tied up in the rope unable to move.

I roll to resist an enemy barbarian trying to threaten me while I cast a healing spell on an injured ally.

Some Android
2018-06-26, 06:39 PM
I roll to resist an enemy barbarian trying to threaten me while I cast a healing spell on an injured ally.

I don't want to go into detail, but instead of that healing spell you might want to cast "Summon Clean Pants."

I want to roll a comedy check to see how funny that joke I just made was.

Crisis21
2018-06-26, 06:42 PM
Funny enough for a produce department's worth of rotten fruit and vegetables.


I roll to do something amazing.

Some Android
2018-06-26, 06:46 PM
Funny enough for a produce department's worth of rotten fruit and vegetables.

YAY! Free food! Maybe next time I'll roll a survival check.



I roll to do something amazing.

You literally fall flat on your face...in front of that one person you have a crush on...and a bunch of photographers who all take pictures.

Extrail
2018-06-28, 12:14 AM
The fact that you didn't roll for anything was your last regret, as the worst possible things kept on happening to you for the rest of your eternal life.

I roll to stop that train!

sneakykitten
2018-06-28, 12:33 AM
The train is stopped. After it hits a ton of cars trying to cross the tracks when they didn't see it coming.

I roll to get my work done on time and have time to clean.

Some Android
2018-06-28, 02:06 PM
I roll to get my work done on time and have time to clean.

You finish your work twenties past the deadline and you somehow make things dirtier.

I roll to ask a cute girl out on a date.

farothel
2018-06-28, 03:13 PM
You get so nervous that you vomit all over her. Needless to say, a date is out of the question.

I roll to cast Fireball.

Some Android
2018-06-28, 06:04 PM
I roll to cast Fireball.

What you cast is neither fiery nor a ball. You create ice cubes. And you are forever known as the refrigeratorr mage.

I roll to clean up the vomit so hopefully I can still ask the cute girl out.

Dutch
2018-06-28, 06:55 PM
What you cast is neither fiery nor a ball. You create ice cubes. And you are forever known as the refrigeratorr mage.

I roll to clean up the vomit so hopefully I can still ask the cute girl out.

Not only do you slip over in the vomit in an attempt to clean it up, you also manage to pull her down into as well. She is so grossed out and vomits all over you!

While shopping in the market - I roll to barter for a new horse.

Crisis21
2018-06-28, 07:40 PM
You end up paying through the nose for a giant tortoise. It's a pretty good size, stronger and tougher than the horse, but it's movement speed is less than half your own.


I roll to find a way to speed up the tortoise.

Some Android
2018-06-28, 08:37 PM
I roll to find a way to speed up the tortoise.

You break all of its legs.

I roll to make a potion so that I never vomit again so asking cute girls out won't end so horribly.

sneakykitten
2018-06-28, 09:26 PM
Your potion makes sure you don't vomit instead you like shiver uncontrollably and lose control of your bladder.

I roll to be the cute girl someone asks out on a date.

Some Android
2018-06-28, 09:33 PM
I roll to be the cute girl someone asks out on a date.

You confuse acid for makeup and end up disfiguring half of your face. Bright side you can crossplay as Two-Face.

I roll to change my tire.

Dire Moose
2018-07-01, 05:57 PM
You attempt to replace your tire with a live angry wolverine. Goes about as well as youíd expect.

I roll to treat TPAMís numerous resulting injuries.

Crisis21
2018-07-01, 06:02 PM
You end up needing to amputate three limbs and remove their spleen.


I roll to find a new sword.

Extrail
2018-07-01, 06:15 PM
You trip and fall on something. You found a sword wound. Can't find the sword that caused it though.

I roll to play votm.

sneakykitten
2018-07-04, 03:54 PM
You roll a one and have to play Blizzard's games instead. All of them at once.

I roll to impress my date with an awesome new sparkly dress with cute shoulder straps.

Hish
2018-07-04, 04:13 PM
You take the dress off to show it to them right in the middle of the restaurant.

I roll to make an entry in my journal.

farothel
2018-07-05, 01:11 PM
A server crash prevents you from making a new entry in your online journal and also destroys all of your previous journal entries.


I roll to follow that other taxi.

Some Android
2018-07-05, 01:38 PM
I roll to follow that other taxi.

To reference the immortal words of Bugs Bunny:

You must have taken a wrong turn at albuquerque.:smallwink:

I roll to see if I win the spelling bee.

Crisis21
2018-07-05, 02:45 PM
You manage to misspell '3' as 'potato'.


I roll to make scrambled eggs.

elanfanboy
2018-07-05, 02:48 PM
The spelling bee is an award only given to the highest minion of the king :smallwink: needless to say, a petty street urchin has no chance at being awarded the greatest magical treasure known to man.

Yes, manís greatest treasure is a bee that spells.



I roll to to step over the 1mm thick stick that is slightly protruding through the crack in the ground causing it to be physically impossible to trip over.

- - - Updated - - -


You manage to misspell '3' as 'potato'.


I roll to make scrambled eggs.

We posted at the same time, huh.

sneakykitten
2018-07-05, 05:20 PM
You manage to misspell '3' as 'potato'.


I roll to make scrambled eggs.
You make scrambled baby birds instead.

I roll to cast Greater Heal.

Elenna
2018-07-05, 10:23 PM
I roll to to step over the 1mm thick stick that is slightly protruding through the crack in the ground causing it to be physically impossible to trip over.

You step right on top of it. Startled by the thing under your foot, you stumble and step into traffic.


I roll to cast Greater Heal.

You stab the person to death with a stethoscope.

I roll to find the OOTS strip I'm referring to above. (So far, the roll does not appear to have been a success. :smalltongue:)

elanfanboy
2018-07-06, 10:32 AM
Not only do you not find the OotS strip, but you accidentally remove all the files, as well as your account. Also, the forums are taken down for two months due to maintenance.

sneakykitten
2018-07-06, 01:16 PM
I roll to remind previous poster to make a roll for their own action(s).

Crisis21
2018-07-06, 01:48 PM
You're about to type it in when you unexpectedly trip and smash your face into the keyboard, posting your reply pre-emptively without a reminder. The impact causes your nose to split open horribly and bleed dangerously. There is a massive problem with your telephone service that prevents your family from calling an ambulance in anything resembling a timely fashion and when they do, a horrendous traffic jam means that it doesn't arrive until your facial wound is irrevocably infected. You have to have your face amputated, but even that isn't enough to save you as you linger in agony for several weeks before dying, having never seen this response.


I roll to resurrect sneakykitten.

Extrail
2018-07-06, 01:52 PM
You somehow cause her to no longer having a soul. The only death possible she could experience in her current state.

I roll to do a backflip.

farothel
2018-07-06, 02:21 PM
Instead of a backflip, you flip forward and smash you nose on the pavement.

I roll to break into an ambulance.

elanfanboy
2018-07-08, 08:07 AM
Letís just say you get the in there, but only because your bones are broken in thirteen different places.

I roll to hop.

Crisis21
2018-07-08, 10:05 AM
You can only manage to skip, jump, and faceplant.


I roll to determine the best way to raise a teddy bear army. Don't ask why.

Extrail
2018-07-08, 11:51 AM
You think the best way to raise the army is to breed with a bear and name all your children teddy.

I roll to drink lemonade on a hot day.

farothel
2018-07-08, 12:41 PM
You have to use sign language due to the noise and the bartender brings you a hot lemon tea. You burn your mouth.

I roll to get tickets for the World Cup final.

Some Android
2018-07-08, 03:09 PM
I roll to get tickets for the World Cup final.

You get a ticket with an obstructed view...also it's for the World Cup final 10 years ago...plus half the ticket is missing.

I roll to build a time machine so I can go back in time and fight a bunch of androids jinzo ningen.

Crisis21
2018-07-08, 03:51 PM
After three weeks of work, you realize that you've somehow been transported three weeks into the future. Whoa.


I roll to make a paladin.

elanfanboy
2018-07-09, 12:50 AM
You make an anti-paladin, duh. Wait, why is he using a dagger? You made his highest stat wisdom? This guy belongs in the most worthless character thread.

I roll to find a good restaurant.

sneakykitten
2018-07-09, 02:30 AM
You find a restaurant that would be called 'good' by cockroaches.

I roll to improve my dancing skills.

Some Android
2018-07-09, 11:55 AM
I roll to improve my dancing skills.

You fall down a flight of stairs.

I roll to blow up a balloon.

Crisis21
2018-07-09, 07:04 PM
You wind up inflating yourself to the size of a blimp.


I roll to safely deflate Some Android.

Dire Moose
2018-07-10, 09:43 AM
Some Android explodes in a giant fireball.

I roll to wash my laundry.

elanfanboy
2018-07-10, 11:03 AM
Wait, was there a pen in the dryer? When did that get there? Needless to say your clothes are all now only good for Ďaround the houseí.

I roll to embed my axe in the dragonís back, allowing me to fly.

sneakykitten
2018-07-10, 04:37 PM
The dragon like hits you with its tail and like crushes you.

I roll to put on a fancy skirt and top and go to a dinner party.

Warchon
2018-07-11, 02:48 AM
The dragon like hits you with its tail and like crushes you.

I roll to put on a fancy skirt and top and go to a dinner party.

The party went well! Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and you made a lot of connections. In fact, you don't even find out until a month later that the entire guestlist was laughing at you behind your back for having the skirt on backwards.
You didn't even know skirts HAD a backwards.


A rabbit darts out in front of my car. I roll to try not to hit it.

farothel
2018-07-11, 07:58 AM
You avoid the rabbit, but you hadn't seen the wild buffalo that was standing right next to it. Needless to say a direct hit with a buffalo is not all that good for the well-being of your vehicle. You're now stranded in the wilderness until someone comes to pick you up.

I roll to check the route I have to take to get home.

Extrail
2018-07-11, 08:34 AM
You realize you lost your home, and your car and anything inside it is the only possessions you have left.

I roll to see if the buffalo is dead.

sneakykitten
2018-07-11, 01:31 PM
The buffalo is dead yet now the predatory animals are coming out around you 'cause they smelled a meal.

I roll to bake a pretty pink cake. <3 :)

Crisis21
2018-07-11, 02:59 PM
You manage to bake an ugly green pie.


I roll to disarm an explosive device.

farothel
2018-07-11, 03:05 PM
City planning decides to make a big pond and a park where the bomb was, since they have a big hole in the ground and Monsoon season is coming soon, so that's the most cost effective

I roll to be on time in the airport.

Warchon
2018-07-11, 06:50 PM
City planning decides to make a big pond and a park where the bomb was, since they have a big hole in the ground and Monsoon season is coming soon, so that's the most cost effective

I roll to be on time in the airport.

You're late, but luck is on your side: the plane is late too. In fact, the plane gets even later as the staff scramble to try to get you on board before takeoff, and almost everyone ends up missing their connections.

The sky staff for YOUR connecting flight is on this one, and they remember you very, very clearly.


I roll to apologize for exacerbating the delay.

sneakykitten
2018-07-11, 07:50 PM
Your apology offends everyone there and they hate you now.

I roll to smooth over their fragile egos so they don't hate previous poster.

redjinx
2018-07-11, 09:05 PM
Your words shatter their respective psyches and they sink into depression, rage, or existential terror.

I roll to steal someone's luggage, since he seems to have become an inert shell. Wow, you really did a number on that guy. You should consider a career in moral philosophy.

Crisis21
2018-07-11, 09:12 PM
You find what you believe to be the hatch to the luggage compartment, open it, fall out what is actually the plane's emergency exit, and plummet 10,000 feet to your death.


I roll to scrape redjinx's remains off the pavement.

farothel
2018-07-15, 01:17 AM
As you are working, you can't hold yourself and you vomit all over the remains, tainting the crime scene forever.

I roll to dissect the frog.

sneakykitten
2018-07-15, 10:44 AM
The frog gets up and smacks you with your scalpel or whatevs before hopping away to freedom.

I roll to gain true freedom.

Mister Tom
2018-07-15, 06:07 PM
The die hits the DA's car, scratching the paintwork.

I roll to repair the 4th wall.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-07-15, 07:31 PM
In your efforts, you accidentally strike a support beam and collapse the legendary 5th wall, opening your reality to judgement from another plane of existence entirely. Also the ceiling falls on your head.

I roll to lock my front door.

Some Android
2018-07-15, 07:45 PM
I roll to lock my front door.

You lock yourself out of your home.

I roll to win money at the casino.

Crisis21
2018-07-15, 07:48 PM
You end up taping to your front door a detailed description of where all valuables are located in your house, where the spare key is hidden, the code to your alarm system, and exactly when you will be away and for how long.

You bet everything, including your ninja cred, on chartreuse.



I roll to stop those meddling kids.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-07-15, 08:42 PM
You're arrested for counterfeiting, investment fraud, AND harassing carnival-goers. You were only doing two of those things at most!

I roll to come up with a good code name.

jwhouk
2018-07-15, 09:41 PM
I roll to come up with a good code name.

The best you can do is "Password."

I roll to try to convince someone I'm The Doctor.

Mister Tom
2018-07-17, 07:24 AM
You succeed in convincing a Dalek.
I roll to disguise myself as the missing Duchess.

Crisis21
2018-07-17, 10:35 AM
You manage to forget three things:
1. That the duchess's skin tone is several shades different than your own.
2. That the duchess doesn't wear clothing from Hot Topic.
3. To shave.



I roll to build a transformer.

redjinx
2018-07-18, 05:03 PM
You end up with a duck which transforms into a slightly larger duck and back again.

I roll to walk my dog.

super345
2018-07-20, 11:55 AM
The dog walks you.


I roll to fall to sleep.

jwhouk
2018-07-20, 12:59 PM
Your bed falls off the edge of the top floor of the Burj Khalifa.

I roll to try to understand a quantum physics equation.

Some Android
2018-07-20, 11:50 PM
I roll to try to understand a quantum physics equation.

You somehow make yourself forget all math except 2+2=4 and you're not even certain about that. Also you now think the earth is flat.

I roll to remove malware from my PC.

Crisis21
2018-07-21, 12:31 AM
Oh, now you've done it.


I roll to stop Some Android's PC from forming a malicious AI uprising.

jwhouk
2018-07-21, 03:44 PM
Oh, now you've done it.

I roll to stop Some Android's PC from forming a malicious AI uprising.

A guy who looks like a young Ahnold knocks on your door and says, "I'll be back."

I roll to try to get my phone to recognize my Bluetooth receiver.

super345
2018-07-21, 09:08 PM
It starts hating bluetooth so much that it joins the malicious AI uprising to kill the people that invented Bluetooth.


I roll to wage a guerrilla campaign against our new robotic overlords.

Dire Moose
2018-07-23, 09:30 AM
The gorillas refuse to follow your orders and just sit around eating bananas all day.

I roll to convince the dragon not to eat me.

Some Android
2018-07-23, 10:10 AM
I roll to convince the dragon not to eat me.

To reference Futurama:

Good news! You're a suppository!

I roll to escape a desert island.

Crisis21
2018-07-23, 10:28 AM
Reasoning that any direction you head will eventually take you to water, you proceed to walk towards inland Australia. What? It's an island. It's (mostly) desert.


I roll to determine if it was Col. Mustard in the Library with the Wrench.

Pearstriker
2018-07-23, 11:16 AM
You determine that it was him, incorrectly. He breaks out and assembles a ragtag crew of aged but capable soldiers to exact revenge, in the smash hit action movie of the summer.
I attempt to invent a new kind of pizza.

Kashem
2018-07-23, 01:20 PM
You determine that it was him, incorrectly. He breaks out and assembles a ragtag crew of aged but capable soldiers to exact revenge, in the smash hit action movie of the summer.
I attempt to invent a new kind of pizza.

You invent a machine that turns water vapor into pizza. Unfortunately, it gets stuck on, and creates a race of sentient pizza warlocks. They develop a religion based upon the honor of being the first pizza chosen to be eaten, and decide to reward you and your family with their greatest honor: to be consumed by the tribe.

I roll to attempt to stop the never-ending pizza generation.

farothel
2018-07-25, 05:15 AM
You double the rate of pizza generation and the pizza warlock find out what you tried to do and declare war on you.

I roll to end the war with the pizza warlocks.

sneakykitten
2018-07-31, 12:43 AM
You end the war and in the ashes a new war arises: The war against ppls who hate pizza warlocks.

I roll to be a fashion victim. In a good way.

Dire Moose
2018-08-04, 10:58 PM
You are convinced that the most fashionable thing you could wear is a sword, specifically one stabbed directly through your heart. That would look really awesome! *SPLAT!* thud.

I cast Raise Dead on sneakykitten.

Crisis21
2018-08-05, 12:20 AM
You mix up Raise Dead with Disintegrate.



I roll to sweep up sneakykitten's ashes.

jwhouk
2018-08-05, 11:30 AM
A sudden windstorm arises out of nowhere, swirling the ashes of sneakykitten up into a column of air. The resulting haboob wipes out three cities before settling on the shores of a distant lake, where the ashes collapse into a pile. The waves lap up against the pile, wetting them enough that when a sudden plasma storm rises on the lake, sneakykitten reanimates into her lovely self - with only the thought of, "Okay, good safety tip, don't wear swords through the chest."

I roll to see if anyone believes that story.

sneakykitten
2018-08-05, 10:57 PM
sneakykitten does for it would leave her alive and intact... only even she's not buying it because of one detail: She is totally still in love with the sword thru the chest look.

I roll to make sword accessories that can be harmlessly pinned to a young woman's blouse.

The-lost-Byte
2018-08-07, 07:14 AM
I roll to make sword accessories that can be harmlessly pinned to a young woman's blouse.

*SPLAT* thumb Well, that was it not...

I roll to find somone capable of giving Sneakykitten medical attention.

Mister Tom
2018-08-07, 04:07 PM
Doctor Gunsforhands! Thank goodness you're-

Ah.

I roll to carefully remove several rounds from Sneakykitten's shoulder.

Crisis21
2018-08-07, 08:07 PM
You determine step one to be removing her shoulder (and the attached arm) from her body.


.....I roll to stitch sneakykitten's arm back on.

sneakykitten
2018-08-07, 08:41 PM
sneakykitten's arm comes back on... and then does not work anymore 'cause stitching arms on doesn't make them work again.

I roll to get a second opinion and like fix my arm with prayers. <3

The-lost-Byte
2018-08-08, 12:18 AM
I roll to get a second opinion and like fix my arm with prayers. <3
Hades, good of death in the eastern pantheouns opinion is that you should be dead from the bloodlose. The good news, in the afterlive, you got both arms.
Both are dead, too, but in the big picture, it makes no difference.

I roll to find some money I can give Sneakykitten so she can pay to cross the river styx.

Yoshiknight92
2018-08-11, 06:03 PM
You do indeed find some some gold. As you give it to the ferryman, he seems angered as the chocolate melts from the gold wrapping onto there hands.

I roll acrobatics to impress the guests of a party and to gain the attention of the high noble.

Crisis21
2018-08-11, 08:25 PM
You wind up spilling the soup course all over the high noble you sought to impress. Then you tried to clean it off using his wife's dress. Then you attempted to replace his wife's dress with the dining room curtains, and in the process knocked over several dozen very expensive vases. Attempting to clean up that mess using a fine silver platter as a dustpan resulted in a lit brazier being knocked over and setting the high noble's ancestral home afire. Watching the smoldering ruins, you turn to the high noble and ask him if it's a bad time to request the favor you sought his attention for.

You are to be executed at dawn.


I roll to perform Yoshiknight92's execution.

sneakykitten
2018-08-12, 03:26 PM
Your execution would have gone off without a problem except like one thing: Yoshiknight92's execution is stayed by a cute little kitty that wanders in and captures your attentions for a moment, allowing Yoshiknight92 to get away from your deadly blade or hanging or whatevs. Probs with those acrobatics they were trying earlier.

I roll to buy a fancy prom dress and makeups to have the prom I never had in my house with a girl friend as my 'date' instead. And we play girls' pop musics, have drinks and foods, and end up chatting the night away. And several dances. Yet sneakykitten's not so good at dancing in a non-nerdy girls' way, and her girl friend thinks it's kinda cute and funny, so she teaches sneakykitten how to properly dance at a prom instead. Slow dances mostly 'cause sneakykitten is not v-very smart and may mess up a faster dance.

Dire Moose
2018-08-14, 09:29 AM
The dress you bought was really a cleverly disguised mimic that eats you when you try to put it on.

I cast Fireball on the mimic.

jwhouk
2018-08-14, 11:44 AM
Toasted Sneakykitten on a Stick!

I roll to extinguish the flames.

truemane
2018-08-14, 11:49 AM
It may have looked like water.....

...it was vodka.

Now everything is on fire.

I roll to leap from the window out of the house.

Crisis21
2018-08-14, 12:02 PM
That wasn't a window, that was a painting. You are now stuck in the wall as the flames grow stronger by the second.


I roll to report live from the scene of a house that caught fire right after someone screamed 'MIMIC!'.

sneakykitten
2018-08-14, 07:17 PM
You report live on the scene and are about halfway into describing the situation when the mimic/prom dress comes out of the house, hearing its name, and eats you. Sorries. ^_^

I roll to make the mimic give Crisis21 back by softly massaging it until it spits him up?

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-08-14, 10:28 PM
It eats you. Again.

I roll to discern how Sneakykitten escaped from this monster's sticky digestive tract the first time.

Mister Tom
2018-08-15, 04:32 AM
You plan to start by doorstepping the monster, but just as it's approaching you get drenched by a freak rain of dipping sauce.

I roll to buy the paladin a surprise birthday gift.

Doemse
2018-08-15, 05:53 AM
You are convinced that the most fashionable thing you could wear is a sword, specifically one stabbed directly through your heart. That would look really awesome! *SPLAT!* thud.

I cast Raise Dead on sneakykitten.

Nice words

jwhouk
2018-08-15, 09:11 PM
You get an out-of-place botposter instead.

I roll to do a mass turn undead.

Crisis21
2018-08-15, 09:26 PM
Every zombie within three miles comes to give you a hug and a nibble.


I roll to not kill the botposter.

The-lost-Byte
2018-08-16, 06:35 PM
I roll to not kill the botposter.

The DM recognised reverse psychology. They now apply the 'sucess, but at a cost' ruling on this roll:
You permanently lose a few HP, having resrted to zelotic self harming to keep yourself from killing them.

I roll to find the inn i should meet strangers in to go adventuring.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-08-16, 07:59 PM
You don't find one, which is kind of a feat in itself, really. Those things are frickin' everywhere, and yet here you are, sleeping in an alley alone. Now the other PCs have to come up with some contrivance to run into you.

I wander through the town at night / and roll to chance on The-lost-Byte!

jwhouk
2018-08-16, 08:57 PM
I wander through the town at night / and roll to chance on The-lost-Byte!

You FOUND it! Good thing you rolled a 1, then!

I roll to clean up this thread.

Crisis21
2018-08-16, 09:25 PM
You trip over the botposter and in the process of trying to get up somehow reduce them to a crimson smear a hundred feet wide.



I roll to frame The-lost-Byte for the crime.

The-lost-Byte
2018-08-17, 04:12 AM
I roll to frame The-lost-Byte for the crime.
The-lost-Byte swipes out a Inquisitorial Rosette. "Welcome in the inquisition, Acolyte."

I roll for intimidation.

CosmicHobbit
2018-08-21, 11:26 AM
You basically do "Good Cop, Bad Cop", except you're the only cop, you're the good cop, and you turn the "nice" part of it up to eleven. You are now the subject of your intimidation's best and kindest friend.

I roll to sabotage The-lost-Byte's newfound friendship.

sengmeng
2018-08-29, 10:22 AM
Your incoherent babbling convinces them that you're insane and The_lost-byte is your caretaker. What a swell guy!




I roll to derail the thread.

Crisis21
2018-08-29, 12:13 PM
Not only does the thread remain on-track, but the blood from your mangled corpse after being run over proves a superb method for de-rusting the rails it runs on.


I roll to be a competent right-hand man to the big bad.

Celticbear
2018-08-29, 01:49 PM
Well, you somehow got the idea to cut off his right hand and sew yourself to the stub, but the big man bled out before you could get the needle. Ah well, you can still be a good right hand man for a corpse right? Well, turned out he had tetnus, and you sewing yourself to him has gotten you a painful demise.

I roll to make the thousandth post in the rolled a 1 game :smallbiggrin: