View Full Version : TPAY/TPBY The "Rolled a 1" Game

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2018-08-29, 02:04 PM
Too late, it appears there was a previous "Rolled a 1" game on the boards that you never knew about. Try again next time.

I roll for initiative against that big bag of cheezydoodles in the kitchen.

Dire Moose
2018-08-31, 09:31 AM
In Soviet Russia, cheesydoodles eat YOU!!!

I roll to convince the jury that I didn’t kill the guy.

2018-08-31, 11:02 AM
You end up demonstrating exactly how you 'didn't kill' the guy on the prosecutor, leading to not only a conviction but a new murder charge.

I roll to make a grilled cheese omellete.

2018-09-01, 08:12 PM
You make the omellete perfectly except it still tastes a little off. Like weird, huh?

I roll to ask a Goddess what I should do with my life as an adventurer girl? Hopefully a nice one answers my prayers.

2018-09-01, 08:38 PM
Hela demands that you destroy Asgard.

I roll to survive the Viking apocalypse Ragnarok.

2018-09-02, 01:22 PM
Ragnarok causes you to have never been born.

I roll to destroy the universe.

2018-09-02, 01:23 PM
Ah, so you're responsible for the Big Bang!

I roll to bioengineer real life pokemon.

2018-09-05, 09:18 PM
In the course of your research, you overuse the word, "chu," so much that it loses all meaning. No one can call animals by the sounds they make anymore. Also you don't engineer any Pokémon but that's probably for the best anyway.

I roll to fix a broken-down roller coaster.

2018-09-05, 09:21 PM
You get this. (https://youtu.be/frN53CyUQhE)

I roll to make the greatest pizza ever.

Samba Mentality
2018-09-09, 08:01 PM
It just so happens that the only ingredients you have are dough, avacado oil, whale cheese, and water.


I roll to start my car.

Dire Moose
2018-09-09, 10:05 PM
Your car bursts into flames and explodes.

I roll to sail from California to Japan.

2018-09-09, 10:29 PM
You somehow end up in New York harbor without ever spotting land before then.

I roll to spin like a top.

2018-09-10, 12:06 AM
You spin like a bottom.

I roll to win a rap battle.

Samba Mentality
2018-09-11, 11:30 PM
You lose your rap battle and your record deal.

I roll to eat a handful of walnuts.

2018-09-12, 12:03 PM
You have a wall full of nuts - the metallic kind that go on bolts - fall over on you.

I roll to eat a jelly donut.

2018-09-12, 04:40 PM
You make a mess so bad it looks like a murder scene and are arrested.

I roll to frighten off a squirrel.

Samba Mentality
2018-09-12, 05:56 PM
The squirrel turns out to be the subject of a top secret experiment to grant super human strength. The squirrel is not afraid of you, and attacks.

I roll to measure an angle.

Dire Moose
2018-09-12, 06:59 PM
You attempt to measure an angel instead. One of those really stuck-up, proud, Judgment Day types. You really piss him off and you get beheaded.

I roll to do well on a history test.

2018-09-12, 08:25 PM
Your deity chooses this moment to send you several oracular visions of the future. What you write down in this fugue state is potentially helpful in its own right but in no way resembles the period you’re supposed to be studying.

I roll to yoke a team of two oxen.

2018-09-12, 08:39 PM
Oh dear. Your attempt to yoke the two oxen winds up enraging them and people are still finding pieces of you two weeks later.

I roll to put Dr. Gunsforhands back together.

Samba Mentality
2018-09-12, 09:02 PM
He is now Dr. Gunsforfeet.

I roll to pet a dog.

2018-09-12, 09:07 PM
You suddenly find yourself petting an angry tarrasque

I roll to stop procrastinating

2018-09-12, 09:15 PM
You roll to stop procrastinating.

You roll to stop procrastinating.

You roll to stop procrastinating.

You roll to stop procrastinating.

You roll to stop procrastinating.

You roll to stop procrastinating.

You roll to stop procrastinating.

You roll to stop procrastinating.

You roll to stop procrastinating...


(I'll just let him go on, then...)

I roll for some more chocolate.

Samba Mentality
2018-09-12, 10:32 PM
You find yourself on the inside of a huge block of chocolate, with no way out.

I roll to buy a bag of chips from a vending machine.

2018-09-13, 07:38 AM
You get 14 groundhog skeletons.

I roll to push open a stuck door

2018-09-13, 08:39 AM
You spend three hours attempting to push the door open before realizing the sign says 'pull'.

I roll to buy lunch.

2018-09-13, 12:53 PM
You accidentally payed all your money and found out it was plastic

I roll to step over a 1 inch tree root

Dire Moose
2018-09-13, 04:46 PM
You trip over it and do a faceplant. Right into a nest of flesh-eating army ants.

I roll to save Username2 from the ants.

2018-09-14, 11:16 AM
You miss and fall into the nest with him. The army ants enjoy the smorgasbord.

I roll to use ant killer spray on the whole mess.

2018-09-14, 06:56 PM
You spray ant growth hormones on them by mistake and now each ant is about the size of a doberman.

I roll to burn the giant ants.

2018-09-15, 09:53 AM
You accidentally burn a giant's pants. He is not pleased (do you know how hard it is to find a 150 inch waist, 120 inch inseam?)

I roll diplomacy against an angry giant.

Dire Moose
2018-09-15, 01:31 PM
You manage to insult the giant, his mother, his father, his sister, and his dog in your attempt at reasoning with him.

I roll to dodge an incoming giant-sized greataxe.

2018-09-16, 10:27 PM
I mean. You die. Your lungs go on a bit of an adventure but you're not really there to see it.

I roll to research a fireball spell.

2018-09-17, 07:41 AM
the fireball works perfectly. Only in your calculations you forgot to carry the 1 and it is centered on yourself.

I roll to call 911 for my research colleague who just blown himself up with a fireball.

2018-09-17, 11:35 AM
You dial 411 and learn that full-body third degree burns are very serious.

I roll to drink away the sight of my crispy colleague.

Dire Moose
2018-09-17, 05:02 PM
You pull out your trusty liquor flask and


...mistakenly drink alchemist’s fire instead, apparently.

I roll to clean up the charred remains of both of my colleagues.

2018-09-17, 07:10 PM
You get sucked into your own vacuum.

I roll to remove Dire Moose from the vacuum.

2018-09-25, 08:12 PM
After a few unsuccessful tries with conventional methods, you rig up a series of carefully-placed explosives to safely dislodge your friend, but an absurdly unlucky misfire sends DireMoose - and their prison - all the way up into the vacuum of space. At least they're still alive in there. That confounding contraption is surprisingly accommodating.

I roll to replicate this miraculous new advance in space flight.

2018-09-26, 09:08 PM
After a few unsuccessful tries with conventional methods, you rig up a series of carefully-placed explosives to safely dislodge your friend, but an absurdly unlucky misfire sends DireMoose - and their prison - all the way up into the vacuum of space. At least they're still alive in there. That confounding contraption is surprisingly accommodating.

I roll to replicate this miraculous new advance in space flight.
You immediately blow off all of your limbs with the explosives being used in testing.

Spot check to look for secret doors in a dungeon.

2018-09-27, 06:59 PM
Nothing to your left. Nothing to your right. Nothing behind you. Nothing Ahead. Nothing above you.

Then you realize there's nothing below you.


I roll to make a joke.

2018-09-28, 07:24 AM
Critical failure looks like critical success, for a moment. You create the killer joke. And, having created it, you obviously comprehend the whole of it, are immediately subject to its effects, and die.

I roll to change a light bulb. The lamp is, of course, unplugged, since I'm always very safety conscious.

2018-09-28, 11:27 AM
Hey, the lightbulb looks tasty. You end up eating the lightbulb. Poisoning and glass on your insides. Good job.

I inhale.

2018-09-30, 01:32 AM
You were leaning in to examine jqavins tiny light bulb shards, and...

I roll to drain all of my blood safely into a container. I'm already aware that it'll kill me; that's not enough to constitute failure.

2018-09-30, 08:22 AM
The container has a hole, obviously. (Not epic enough.) The blood soaks into the floor, damaging the joists. The floor gives way, you and the bed you're lying in fall through, landing on and killing the intended recipient of the blood, whom you were willing to sacrifice yourself to save.

I get out of bed and get dressed.

2018-09-30, 11:01 AM
You look in the mirror and you realize you are your avatar. :smallwink:

I roll to make breakfast.

2018-09-30, 01:36 PM
You get burnt toast :(

I roll to contemplate.

2018-09-30, 02:55 PM
You can't concentrate with the echo in your head.

I roll to make a phone call.

2018-09-30, 03:23 PM
Your battery died

I roll for a free gift card.

2018-09-30, 07:31 PM
Yay! You get one! To the gift shop of MuderBigots USA. Hope you like rusty bear traps!

Just kidding, someone used it all already. Huh...

I roll to eat a sensible amount of fine cheese.

2018-09-30, 08:02 PM
You accidentally drink spoiled milk. Said milk was actually intended for the king. The king executes you. Your death triggers a chain reaction of assassination that ends up throwing the monarchy in chaos.

I roll to bring the kingdom back together.

2018-10-01, 12:04 AM
Years in the future, but not many, an Aged Storyteller writes a children's rhyme titled Humpty Dumpty. Most children don't realize that it's an allegory about you.

I roll to scramble an egg.

2018-10-01, 09:15 AM
You break the yolk and begin beating, which looks normal for a moment until, in an amazing coincidental anentropic moment, the egg is reassembled into its original form.

I roll to make a fried egg.

2018-10-02, 11:04 AM
You end up frying your hand instead.

I roll to administer first aid.

2018-10-02, 02:18 PM
'Minor burn' in the medkit booklet is right next to 'dangerous open heart surgery'. You don't have a scalpel on hand... will a baseball bat do?

I roll to take away to take away the baseball bat and medkit booklet.

2018-10-02, 02:27 PM
While you two are struggling over the bat, you BOTH manage to burn you hands in my egg pan.

While you are clowning around, I roll to put my hand under cold water.

2018-10-02, 03:00 PM
You easily put your hand in a freezing bucket of ice water because it's already right there next to you. Unfortunately, what you were really rolling was secretly a wisdom check; it turns out that that ice bucket is much too cold for your purposes, and applying a cold shock only exacerbates the injury. Your hand comes away with a horrid combination of burning and frostbite.

I roll to come up with an idea that's fun rather than realistic.

2018-10-02, 11:03 PM
You come up with a great idea. A workplace orientation seminar. It becomes so realistic, it manifests in the real world as a memetic hazard, making everyone nearby fall asleep. Good night.

I roll to stay awake from the sleep effect.

2018-10-03, 07:21 AM
You easily put your hand in a freezing bucket of ice water... Unfortunately, what you were really rolling was secretly a wisdom check; it turns out that that ice bucket is much too cold for your purposes...(The moment after I wrote that I realized that someone would probably write that I stick my hand into liquid nitrogen. Close enough.)

I roll to stay awake from the sleep effect.Well, you stay awake, but... You're still "infected" by the hazardous meme, and begin acting out all the negative behaviors (sexual harassment, violence, drug use, etc.) that the training was meant to discourage.

I roll to talk you down before you're fired.

2018-10-03, 09:59 AM
The moment you mention 'fired', you are shot.

I roll to call the police.

2018-10-03, 11:29 AM
You somehow manage to call Tony's Pizzeria instead.

I roll to make a pizza for a very distressed sounding man.

2018-10-03, 12:59 PM
As the distressed man requested, you make a pizza with "bullets" and "blood everywhere". The pizzeria has to be closed for a couple of days to clean up the mess and fix the damage. The incident makes the news, and customers stop coming even after it reopens.

I (Tony) roll to rebuild my restaurant's reputation.

2018-10-03, 01:45 PM
You move to a new location and successfully establish a presence. All the demons recommend you highly to the tortured souls under their jurisdictions.

I roll to win a drinking game.

2018-10-03, 02:25 PM
You pass out drunk from the fumes before even taking a sip. Your hangover the next morning is epically painful.

I roll to find a good movie.

2018-10-03, 06:41 PM
You manage to find the best movie of all time. Troll 2.

I roll to treat redjinx's hangover.

Dire Moose
2018-10-03, 08:27 PM
You become convinced that it isn’t actually a hangover, but a side effect of a bizarre condition of Exploding Heart Disorder. With no time to lose, you must perform open-heart surgery. And without proper surgical instruments, you need to improvise something.

In short, you end up trying to slice redjinx’s heart open with a rusty chainsaw. The results are exactly what any sane person would expect.

I make a Diplomacy check on redjinx’s Case Management Angel to try and get him into one of the good afterlives.

2018-10-04, 08:04 AM
It works perfectly. The angel gets redjinx into his personal favorite afterlife. Unfortunately, this particular angel is into BDSM. Welcome to hell.

I roll to sneak redjinx out of hell.

2018-10-05, 11:28 AM
You end up going backwards, and wind up in Deep Hell.

I roll to torture the two souls that wandered into my domain.

2018-10-05, 12:32 PM
You get them both comfy chairs, cups of good tea, and fresh-baked biscuits so they can watch old movies with you. You monster.

I roll to buy a pet.

2018-10-05, 01:28 PM
You acquire jjkhero73, the ruler of Deep Hell.

I roll to get rid of my new pet.

Dire Moose
2018-10-05, 05:38 PM
You successfully exchange them for a really angry Tyrannosaurus rex.

I roll to run away from the T. rex.

2018-10-06, 11:15 AM
You have suddenly decided that running backwards will convince the T.Rex that you are not to be triffled with.

You find yourself next to an angry T.Rex.

"I roll to intimidate the T.Rex"

2018-10-06, 11:54 AM
T. Rex is not intimidated. But you do make a tasty snack.

I roll to make a birthday cake.

2018-10-06, 12:07 PM
You end up starting a pie fight instead.

I try to roll a '1'.

2018-10-06, 03:08 PM
You manage to roll an 11, but the dice cracks in half showing now two "1"s on each half.

I roll to sneeze on a tissue.

2018-10-09, 07:43 AM
The tissue is a lie; you sneeze - a big messy one - in your hand.

I roll to find a tissue.

2018-10-09, 10:49 AM
You find your own nasal tissue. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that it's not supposed to be outside of your body.

I roll to put it back inside jqavin's body.

2018-10-09, 10:59 AM
You wind up turning his body inside-out so you can replace his nasal tissue, meaning it's not inside his body.

I roll to charge jkhero73 with murder.

2018-10-09, 11:56 AM
"Wait, hold on. So he's accusing you of turning this poor man inside out? And you're providing me hard evidence in that direction in the attempt of claiming your innocence, including a photo of you on the scene touching the body in a threatening manner? Sounds like and open-and-shut case to me."

I roll to put jquavins back the right direction.

2018-10-10, 01:06 PM
Thank you, buuut.

My head now points unerringly north.

I (somehow manage to) roll to demagnetize myself (because that's obviously my biggest problwm right now.)

2018-10-10, 02:45 PM
You somehow manage to not only demagnetize yourself, but the entire earth. There are college professors you could ask as to how badly this screws us over, but most of them agree that we're almost certainly all doomed.

I roll to restore the magnetic fields.

2018-10-10, 03:14 PM
You turn into a refrigerator magnet. It has a picture of a cute goat though.

I roll to turn back time.

2018-10-10, 03:36 PM
Cher shows up.

I roll to try to keep myself attached to the globe.

2018-10-11, 07:20 AM
You roll to what? Well, actually you rolled a critical failure on a secret "Comprehend Reality" check so that you think you need a roll to keep gravity working. You failed the imaginary gravity check and believe that you're whirling off into space, and are found huddled on the ground in a ball, screaming with terror.

I roll to leave the globe.

2018-10-11, 12:37 PM
The earth rapidly flattens, proving a lot of very smug conspiracy theorists momentarily right. Then the laws of physics take notice of the impossibility, and everyone on the now-flat planet dies in various unpleasant ways.

I roll to lean back in my chair.

2018-10-11, 02:02 PM
You lean so far back in your chair that you fall into Hell again. The gatekeeper shakes his head and sighs as he directs you back to the Acid n' Eyeball mines.

I roll to unflatten the Earth.

2018-10-11, 06:31 PM
You attempt to physically blow it up like a beach ball, but run out of breath and collapse before you're even 1/1,000,000,000,000,000,000th of the way finished.

I roll to find a better way to unflatten the Earth.

2018-10-11, 10:55 PM
You plant some explosives, trying to destabilize its current state enough for gravity to take over again. It's a good idea in theory, but in execution you just end up flattening one of the few remaining mountains.

I roll to land my spaceship on another habitable planet.

Dire Moose
2018-10-11, 11:21 PM
You land it on a planet with a highly corrosive and toxic atmosphere and a surface made of radioactive molten metal. “Come on in, the water ‘s GREAT!” are your last words as the hostile environment reduces you to a puddle of goo.

I roll to use the Force.

2018-10-12, 07:41 AM
You use the force. The force of gravity. Earth catastrophically unflattens, killing most everyone on the surface and making it an inhabitable wasteland of volcanoes and boiling oceans.

I roll to see if I got my geoscience right there.

2018-10-12, 07:47 AM
After double-checking, you remain certain that volcanic wastelands and boiling oceans are perfectly inhabitable.

I roll to build a city in the volcanic wastelands/boiling oceans.

2018-10-12, 08:06 AM
Everyone said you were daft to build a castle on lava, but you built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the volcano. So you built a second one. And that one sank into the volcano. So you built a third. That burned down, fell over, and then sank into the volcano. But the fourth one stayed up.

For a little while as you moved your family in before it too sank into the volcano, killing you all.

I roll to accelerate the cooling of the Earth.

Dire Moose
2018-10-12, 09:31 AM
You cause the heat death of the universe.

I roll to create a new universe.

2018-10-12, 10:20 AM
After double-checking, you remain certain that volcanic wastelands and boiling oceans are perfectly inhabitable.
(Whoops, that was a typo, but if it works, it works!)

Yes, here it is. The Universe Creator 2000. You have a variety of switches to select when creating this. Let's see what happens when you crank entropy to max, turn on the 'murder all life' switch, and make liquid water impossible. There. Life should pop up in no time at all.

Hey, where is everyone?

I roll to adapt to this intensely hostile universe.

2018-10-12, 12:45 PM
You take stock of all the high explosives you smuggled out of the former universe before it collapsed and are sure you have enough to recreate the Big Bang. Then you realize you forgot to smuggle out a way to detonate them. (Dang it, I really failed my spot check against ninjas...)

You decide that leaping headfirst into a black hole is the best way to adapt.

I roll to return to life.

2018-10-12, 01:10 PM
You convince Hades to let you return to life, but on your way up, you can't stand the suspense, and you look back. At yourself, I guess? Anyway, you wind up back in the Underworld.

I roll to convince someone they're wrong.

2018-10-13, 12:06 AM
You run a fully-controlled statistical study and definitively prove that they were right all along. I guess filling everyone's houses with guns really does reduce crime in this universe? Weird.

Well, given that, I guess I'll roll to fill everyone's houses with guns!

2018-10-13, 08:18 AM
While stocking every house with guns, in a surprising turn of events involving a drug-addled raccoon and a Quantum Volcano, your actions result in the very catastrophe that has given you the name Dr. Gunsforhands. A terrible tragedy, it was.

I roll to remove the guns from the poor Doctor's arms.

2018-10-14, 05:19 PM
You successfully remove the guns and now the good Doctor has no hands. How he gonna save peoples from their illnesses?

She rolls to make new hands for the Doctor.

2018-10-14, 06:54 PM
Oh, that's great! Thank you so mu-OH COME ON!

I roll to do surgery despite having guns for hands. Again.

2018-10-14, 07:40 PM
Do I really have to describe what a person with guns for hands doing bad surgery looks like? I think we all can figure out what this one's going to be.

I roll to salvage the bullets.

2018-10-15, 03:32 AM
You get tons and tons of bullets, and cops find you with bullets, and tell you never to do that again or else....

She rolls to help SunderedWorldDM get out of jail by telling the cops it was her who planted the bullets.

2018-10-15, 09:08 AM
It isn't until you're in a padded room awaiting medication that you realize telling the cops you were trying to grow gun trees may not have been the best way to go about that.

I roll to give sneakykitten therapy so that she may return to life as a productive citizen without trying to further engage in munitions agriculture.

2018-10-15, 10:19 AM
She manages to convince you that gun-trees do exist, and the government is hiding them from us. You are put in the adjoining cell as you rave about how you know the truth.

I roll to escape jail.

2018-10-16, 07:17 AM
In your state run medium security, prison hospital, you dig a hidden tunnel under your bed, complete with lights and mechanics' crawlers on rails. You ride that to a clay sewer main, which you break through during a thunderstorm to hide the sound of the banging. You crawl through the sewer until you come up in a ditch... inside a federal supermax penitentiary.

I file court papers to get SunderedWorldDM out of the federal supermax and back into the hospital.

Dire Moose
2018-10-16, 07:56 AM
You somehow end up getting him scheduled for execution by firing squad.

I roll to save him during his execution.

2018-10-16, 08:02 AM
In retrospect, trying to distract a firing squad by yelling "FIRE!" may not have been the best idea...

I roll to watch a movie.

2018-10-16, 03:15 PM
You watch a movie about an unfortunate mentally ill conspiracy theorist who winds up being wrongly convicted and executed. You are magically sucked into the screen, and take the place of the protagonist just as the rifle squad fires.

I roll to save you by re-editing the movie.

2018-10-17, 09:26 PM
You successfully edit the movie. In the original movie, the conspiracy theorist ended up being right and lizard people protected him and killed the rifle squad. However, in the edited edition, he just dies.

I roll to undo jquavins' edits.

2018-10-17, 10:54 PM
You end up with an M. Night Shylman picture.

I roll to evade of all the spent bullet casings in this thread.

Dire Moose
2018-10-17, 11:14 PM
You slip on every single one and happen to land directly on one that was still live, making it go off in your face.

I roll to climb a tree.

2018-10-17, 11:27 PM
You wind up sixty feet underground.

I roll to dig Dire Moose out.

2018-10-17, 11:35 PM
You wind up sixty feet underground.

I roll to write a term paper about the Forgotten Realms.

2018-10-18, 07:11 AM
Part way through you forgot what you were writing bout.

I roll to write a term paper about amnesia.

Dire Moose
2018-10-18, 09:36 AM
You induce amnesia in yourself to get a better perspective on it. This backfires as you forget you had a paper to write.

I roll to determine if these plants are safe to eat.

2018-10-18, 09:58 AM
You decide that testing on yourself would be a good way to find out. The plants are not safe.

I roll to get a small hole dug for Dire Moose to barf into.

2018-10-18, 10:22 AM
You end up climbing a tree instead.

I roll to discover my elemental power.

2018-10-18, 10:42 AM
Wow! Who knew that staples were their own element? You are now... the staple-master. Use your absolutely minimal power with absolutely minimal responsibility.

I roll to ride a flying buffalo.

2018-10-19, 07:27 AM
The hot sauce (from the wings) burns your sensitive bits. Take 1d6+6 damage.

I roll to find a pegasus; no settling for bovines for this guy.

2018-10-19, 08:07 AM
A shady merchant with a glass eye sells you a Pegasus for a thousand gold. It takes you a while to figure out that this is just a pair of construction-paper wings of shoddy make taped to a small, emaciated dog. You don't know how you missed it earlier.

I roll to remove the wings from the poor dog.

2018-10-19, 08:30 AM
I'm not entirely sure what exactly happened, only that you were placed under arrest and the SPCA is out in force calling for the death penalty at your trial.

I roll to determine what's going on.

2018-10-19, 11:36 AM
You get a blonde woman holding a cell phone who says, "Huh, as if."

I roll to check for cliches.

2018-10-19, 12:19 PM
You are about to say something, but are suddenly told that you are the Chosen One, and in your flabbergasted expression of awe, you completely forget what you were talking about. Then an English professor who hates cliches stabs you.

I roll to arrest the English professor. (If anyone makes a tenure joke, I swear to god...)

2018-10-21, 12:12 AM
She stabs you too.

I roll to craft an online dating profile.

2018-10-21, 12:03 PM
You actually find a date! It's the English professor. She stabs you as well.

I roll to disarm the English professor.

2018-10-21, 02:15 PM
You try and wrassle the knife out of her hands, but she has tenure, so you can't technically stop her from stabbing anyone. That's how tenure works, right?

I roll to remove her tenure.

Dire Moose
2018-10-21, 06:40 PM
You remove her intestines instead, along with several other internal organs.

I roll to convince the judge that I’m not guilty of murder.

2018-10-21, 06:45 PM
Your timing is off, and everyone in the courtroom assumes you're the surprise witness here to prove SunderedWorldDM's innocence, which you do, by explaining that the whole thing was an accident resulting from bad luck on their part. Then you end up in jail anyway for contempt of court.

I roll to reconnect a patient's disemboweled, um, bowels.

2018-10-21, 07:22 PM
Do you really need me to tell you that you shoot the bowel by accident due to your unfortunate gun-based appendages? Do you really need me to describe how the urine and gore spray all across the operating theater? Do you need me to explain how a doctor with guns for hands isn't going to be great at their job?

I roll to revoke Gunsforhand's medical license.

2018-10-21, 08:05 PM
You give a stirring dissertation on Dr. Gunsforhands's swift and decisive operating procedures, citing that none of his patients has ever suffered additional complications from surgery nor ever needed to make a return visit. His license is renewed in perpetuity.

I roll to craft a masterpiece.

2018-10-21, 11:37 PM
You're arrested for art forgery, but you ultimately win your case when your attorney argues that it's clearly a childlike parody.

I roll to pass the bar exam!

2018-10-22, 02:21 PM
The bar falls on you and you're knocked out by its weight.

I roll to order a pizza from the local pizza place.

2018-10-22, 03:06 PM
You accidentally get a pie from the shop next door. They specialize in key lime, which would be fine, if you hadn't ordered it with pepperoni and anchovies.

I roll to buy myself a new tie.

Dire Moose
2018-10-22, 11:04 PM
You don’t need to, as you find one in your closet with an awesome snakeskin pattern that you hadn’t noticed before. You wrap it around your neck and... wait, no, it wrapped itself around your neck and now you’re getting lightheaded, can’t breathe, and your face is turning blue...

I roll to remove an angry boa constrictor from around jqavins’s neck.

2018-10-22, 11:56 PM
You realize too late that being inside a snake's spacious stomach still qualifies as having it, 'around,' your neck.

I roll to rake up all the leaves on my lawn.

2018-10-23, 12:37 AM
I'm still not sure how it happened, but you managed to break every lawn tool you own, set fire to your house, and there are more leaves on your lawn than ever.

I roll to bake cookies for everyone in the thread.

2018-10-23, 07:13 AM
The 'salt' jar and the 'arsenic' jar are oddly close together on your shelf... And you make pretty salty cookies.

I roll to spread the word that Crisis's cookies are deadly!

2018-10-23, 10:09 PM
Everybody is literally waiting in line to get to try Crisis21's cookies.

I roll to go be immune to arsenic poisoning.

2018-10-24, 12:13 AM
You successfully eat the cookies without dying, meaning you clearly succeeded! The cookies taste really salty, though. That probably doesn't mean anything at all. Time to show off your new power by chowing down on rat poison!


I roll to enact proper poison control procedures, making sure to mention that I emptied the ammo out of my hands ahead of time.

2018-10-25, 09:29 AM
You attempt to induce vomiting, jamming the muzzle of one of your hands down Flyingbooks42's throat, tearing it up so he chokes and dies.

I roll to dissuade Dr. Gunsforhands from attempting any more medical procedures. Ever. Ever ever. Really.

2018-10-25, 09:38 AM
Look at the number of satisfied patients! None of them have said a bad word about the procedures, none have ever had to have another medical procedure ever again! He's the best doctor in history.

I roll to give the good Doctor a medal.

2018-10-25, 05:16 PM
You mistake an anvil for a medal and accidentally crush Dr. Gunsforhands with it when you try to hang it from his neck.

I roll to make nachos for everyone.

2018-10-26, 07:37 AM
You successfully make gourmet level nachos for everyone in town. Buuuut...

Everyone in town, totally enthralled by the greatest nachos ever created, comes running to get some, all at the same time, leading to a rush, crush, and trample incident with a level of horror not seen since the fire in the Googol-plex movie theater.

I roll to escape the Great Nacho Disaster alive.

2018-10-28, 02:38 PM
You manage to escape the city unscathed by the nacho frenzied public. In your excitement, you fail to notice the pack of wild dogs bearing down on you, teeth bared and hunger in their eyes.

I roll to think of an interesting character for the Nexus

5a Violista
2018-10-30, 04:54 AM
You think you came up with an interesting character named Sophie but turns out two other people recently made that exact same character just a month ago, named Sofia and Souflee who happen to have very similar personalities, backstories, and powers to the character you just made, with only minor differences.

I roll to come up with an even more interesting character.

2018-10-30, 09:06 AM
Okay, so hear me out. There's this guy, who's crazy, and tells everyone he's the son of God or whatever, and he goes around telling people to do good stuff. But when people start to be mad at him, he does, like, miracles and stuff! How's he doing it? Is he really the son of God?

Anyway, story ends when he comes back to life and is proven to be the real son of God, wasn't crazy after all. And his name is... Shmeebus.

I roll to convince you that Shmeebus is a rip-off of Jesus.

2018-10-30, 04:54 PM
You successfully convince us that Scheebus is a rip off. The DC for this one was REALLY low considering you had to first convince us that Shmeebus was original

I roll to come up with a better answer than that

2018-10-31, 08:00 AM
By highlighting logically all the similarities, you end up convincing 5a Violista that Jesus is a rip-off of Shmeebus. Of course, Jesus's story is a lot older, which means that someone has to have transported Shmeebus's story back in time. Time travel is real, this proves it! So when you said that your location is TARDIS Repair, Gallifrey, you weren't kidding. Since you have access to a TARDIS and you know about Shmeebus, you must be the one who did this, taking 5a Violista's brilliant Shmeebus idea back in time and making it look like a cheap rip-off. 5a Violista now hates you, hates you forever, and will plot your downfall for the rest of his/her days.

I roll to get out of this madhouse of a game.

2018-10-31, 08:26 AM
Oh, you want to leave? Well come on, hop into this TARDIS. I'm just taking a trip back in time, a few years before 0 AD, so that I can take this character concept someone wrote and make it look like an imitation of he original dude, who they wrote. Bootstrap paradox, it's complicated. Quick, I need to change the name 'Shmeebus.' You got any ideas?

I roll to successfully pilot the TARDIS to the First Christmas.

2018-10-31, 08:51 AM
I roll to successfully pilot the TARDIS to the First Christmas.You pilot your TARDIS, instead, to the year 0 AS (Anus Shmeebus) which is 2020 by the old reckoning, the year that tinsel covered daleks shook Earth to its core by subverting one of it's major religions. There is another time lord present, that famous renegade who calls himself The Doctor ("pretentious git" I hear you mutter) trying to set things right. You're stuck (no, we're stuck, and thank you so much for that) in the Christmas episode.

I roll to persuade The Doctor to take me back to my own time, since you obviously don't know how to pilot that thing, and I want someone competent to get me home.

2018-10-31, 12:23 PM
She looks at you and says, "Are you Ed Sheeran? I've heard a lot about that Ed Sheeran chap."

When you say no, she says, "Oh. Well, sorry, already got a full TARDIS." And she zips the door shut, and after a strange sound that is akin to someone rubbing housekeys over the strings of a piano, the blue box disappears.

I roll to get out of this cheap Doctor Who ripoff episode.

2018-10-31, 04:52 PM
You try for hours before you realize one fact you've overlooked: You've been cast as the Doctor.

I roll to scare trick-or-treaters.

2018-10-31, 08:10 PM
All you manage to do is make them bend over laughing before throwing eggs at you

I roll to be scarier than Crisis21

2018-11-01, 08:05 AM
You figure the universally recognized sound of racking a pump action shotgun should do it. One of their helicopter parents calls the cops, but another one just shoots you. And then the kids throw their eggs at you.

I roll to get rid of all the candy no kids came to my house for.

2018-11-01, 01:52 PM
You eat all the candy and spend two days in hospital with food poisoning.

I roll to avoid food poisoning.

2018-11-01, 02:36 PM
You wisely choose not to gorge on candy. While you're at it, you avoid all fat and sugars. And anything that might carry any sort of food-born pathogen. You eat nothing for three days and end up in the hospital for malnutrition. We share a semi-private room.

I roll to keep my meals down in the semi-private room.

Dire Moose
2018-11-01, 07:16 PM
You flood the entire room with barf and both of you pass out from the stench.

I roll to craft a magic sword.

2018-11-01, 08:27 PM
You manage to make a non magic pocket knife with a dull edge. You are then caught by the real owner of the forge you were using and thrown out of the smithy.

I roll you convince the blacksmith to let me back in

2018-11-01, 09:49 PM
He gives you Dire Moose's knife back. In your gut. The dullness makes the process slow, awkward and painful.

I roll wetware to cover the wound and stop the bleeding.

2018-11-02, 10:39 AM
You thought it was wetware. It was actually silverware. You now have a salad fork in your wound, right next to the dull pocket knife.

I roll to call 911.

2018-11-02, 10:40 AM
You accidentally stab your materials, a bottle of wine (to sterilize the wound) and a sheet (to wrap it.) In other words, you wound the cover and bleed the stopper.

I roll to sing an opera.

Edit: Ah! I've been post-ninja'd!

2018-11-02, 11:01 AM
Unfortunately, your phone is having a hard time picking up a call for help in operatic style. In addition, you also rolled a 1 on your Performace check on the opera, so it's even more difficult to understand a dying goat trying to call for help...

I roll to avoid ninjas.

Dire Moose
2018-11-02, 12:01 PM
The entire building is full of them. In fact, there was a ninja convention going on in there all along. They were all just doing really well on their Stealth checks.

I roll to escape the building without getting murdered by ninjas.

2018-11-02, 12:05 PM
You duck into a convention center where you run into the middle of a crown of, not just ninjas, but also pirates and drow. And gamers.

I roll to think up an original thing to roll to do.

2018-11-03, 12:21 AM
You duck into a convention center where you run into the middle of a crown of, not just ninjas, but also pirates and drow. And gamers.

I roll to find my chicken puppet.

2018-11-03, 04:15 AM
You mistake a living chicken to be your puppet, and begin attempting to shove your hand up its egg hole

I roll to not laugh at this

2018-11-15, 05:26 PM
You avoid laughing with such intensity your face goes blue and you go into cardiac arrest.

I roll to perform CPR with nothing dangerous in my hands.

2018-11-16, 12:12 PM
Sadly, NothingDangerous is rather ineffective at performing CPR.

I roll to perform last rites.

2018-11-16, 01:36 PM
The Master of Ceremonies would like to inform you that last rites does not include singing the theme to Ducktales.

I roll to write a theme song.

2018-11-16, 03:35 PM
Sadly, passages from the bible about death coupled with heartfelt sayings all put over somber organ music for a half hour isn't quite right for our vision of Ducktales. Try again next time, maybe?

I roll to attend the funeral.

2018-11-17, 11:15 PM
I roll to attend the funeral.

You somehow arrive at a baby shower.

I roll to throw a baby shower.

2018-11-17, 11:19 PM
You realize too late that you're at a stranger's wedding shower. Everyone assumes you're from the other side of the family. It's too awkward to leave.

I roll to tip a cow over.

2018-11-17, 11:50 PM
The cow tips you over, and then sits on you.

I roll to convince aliens to abduct the cow sitting on Dr. Gunsforhands.

2018-11-18, 12:40 AM
I roll to convince aliens to abduct the cow sitting on Dr. Gunsforhands.

The aliens have never seen a human or cow before so they get confused, mistake you for the cow, and abduct you.

I roll to turn the cow still on Dr.Gunsforhands into hamburgers.

2018-11-18, 05:34 PM
The aliens have never seen a human or cow before so they get confused, mistake you for the cow, and abduct you.

I roll to turn the cow still on Dr.Gunsforhands into hamburgers.

You succeed in turning the cow into the hamburgler, and he takes all your belongings and runs away.

I roll to summon Ronald McDonald to take care of him.

2018-11-18, 07:55 PM
A week later, you hear the news that Cow Hamburglar was assassinated. You then get a mysterious bill for £50,000.

I roll to throw pitch a baseball.

2018-11-18, 08:53 PM
Okay, good news bad news time. Bad news is you are banned from baseball for life. Good news is that you have an offer to join the curling team for the next Olympics.

I roll to figure out what the *$#& just happened.

Dire Moose
2018-11-18, 11:26 PM
It is impossible to comprehend to the point that your head explodes.

I roll to give my dog a bath.

2018-11-19, 01:04 AM
I roll to give my dog a bath.

Your dog ends up giving you a bath. Looks like the dog-bath-giver has become the dog-bath-victim.

I roll to post in the "The 'Rolled a 1' Game" thread on these forums.

2018-11-19, 10:43 AM
You arrive at a funeral for a baby. Shower gift in hand.

I roll to console the parents.

2018-11-19, 11:57 AM
Now was not the right time to crack a dead baby joke. They kick you out of the party, and they sue you for emotional distress.

I roll to get laid by the hot college chick after running in the naked mile

2018-11-19, 12:06 PM
She lays you out flat on your back with a 41-hit pepper spray/karate combo before calling campus security. Same thing, right?

I roll to summon the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man.

2018-11-19, 12:13 PM
You get a "Cease and Desist" order from Dan Akroyd and Columbia Pictures.

I roll to evade the lawyers.

2018-11-19, 02:20 PM
You run smack (well, smush) into the Stay Pufft Marshmallow Man.

I roll to get professors Whosits and Whatisnaym (Ackroyd and Murray) reinstated at Columbia. (Don't remember tha characters' names. Don't care.)

2018-11-19, 02:38 PM
The stabby tenure professor from a while back stabs them. Tenure, am I right?

I roll to put this tenure joke to the grave.

2018-11-19, 03:47 PM
Merely by mentioning tenure jokes and your intention to make a roll you place them front and center in everybody's mind.

I roll to get tenure. (It does seem pretty sweet!)

2018-11-19, 04:30 PM
"There can be only one," the professor hisses as she stabs you.

I roll to take away the knife without violating her tenure.

2018-11-19, 08:38 PM
You manage to take away her knife by grabbing the blade between your ribs. She loses her tenure due to the murder charges.

I roll to create a cool combiner robot.

2018-11-19, 08:56 PM
I roll to create a cool combiner robot.

You just end up super gluing a bunch of old transformer action figures together to form an amorphous chunk of plastic.

I roll to make a Thanksgiving dinner.

2018-11-19, 11:15 PM
Your dinner is as ungrateful as ever.

I roll to run a 6-minute mile.

2018-11-19, 11:22 PM
9 hours later, you manage to finally finish the mile

I roll to be the very best, like no one ever was

2018-11-19, 11:40 PM
In retrospect, joining Team Rocket may not have been the best career move.

I roll for Jumanji.

2018-11-20, 02:14 AM
I roll for Jumanji.

To quote my favorite webseries "You shank my jenga ship!"

I roll to make a Strong Bad impression...Holy Crap!

Dire Moose
2018-11-20, 12:07 PM
You attempt to type with boxing gloves on, which actually ends up wrecking your keyboard.

I roll to order a pizza.

2018-11-20, 01:39 PM
Here is your piping hot calzone good sir!

I roll to steal the calzone

2018-11-20, 01:47 PM
They'll never find the stolen calzone if you hide it in their stomach! Brilliant! (On an unrelated note I actually did once get a calzone when trying to order a pizza. Best mistake the pizza place ever made in my opinion.)

I roll to mail a package.

2018-11-21, 09:27 AM
The package places you in a mailbox.

I roll to make a phone call.

Dire Moose
2018-11-22, 10:52 AM

I roll to use the bathroom.

2018-11-23, 08:52 AM

I roll to unsee the horror

2018-11-23, 07:41 PM
You watch it again in reverse. It doesn't really make it better.

I roll to inform everyone that literally bleaching your brain is not a healthy response.

2018-11-25, 09:58 AM
97% of people react with some variation of "Well, duh!" 1% think "Oh, thanks for stopping me in time." BUT, 2%, who had never thought about that before, think it sounds like a great way to wash down a Tide Pod.

I buy stock in Proctor and Gamble (Tide's corporate overlords) because this Pods thing must have their sales soaring.

2018-12-02, 09:16 AM
You click the wrong button on your computer and accidentally post all of your personal data on the dark web

I roll to go completely off the grid

2018-12-02, 10:45 AM
You end up downloading your consciousness into the IRS database.

I roll to create a paradox.

2018-12-02, 07:34 PM
You somehow end up flirting with a stranger instead. Part of you feels like you should know this person already and that you were destined to be together, but it would seem that in this timeline it was never meant to be.

I roll to repair a broken suspension cable.

2018-12-02, 08:52 PM
Sweat, spit, and rubber bands don't hold up very well.

I roll to try to build a time machine.

2018-12-03, 04:35 PM
You succeed ! But you can only go toward the future. And really slowly. It feel like ... waiting.

I now roll to make a pizza

2018-12-03, 07:04 PM
You pull a nice fresh pumpkin pie out of the oven.

I roll to rock.

2018-12-03, 07:56 PM
You get a bag of King's Hawaiian Rolls.

I input a cheap plastic replica of the 13th Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver.

Dire Moose
2018-12-04, 09:26 AM
You hit the wrong buttons on the machine by mistake, and it instead inputs you. You are torn apart by the grinding gears inside.

I roll to fly a passenger airplane.

2018-12-04, 12:40 PM
You mistakenly try to fly a plain passenger. It doesn't work.

I roll to launch my model rocket.

2018-12-04, 07:58 PM
I roll to launch my model rocket.

It drills into the ground and become subterranean.

I roll to find my hat.

2018-12-04, 10:07 PM
You find a hat that looks exactly like yours. A day later, the police arrest you for stealing another man's hat.

I roll to stay awake during the night eatch

2018-12-05, 08:15 AM
You fall asleep, enter the fairy realm, and sleep for 40 years.

I roll to Google what an "eatch" is.

2018-12-05, 12:34 PM
I roll to Google what an "eatch" is.

You stumble upon some very disturbing websites.:smalleek:

You find a hat that looks exactly like yours. A day later, the police arrest you for stealing another man's hat.

I roll to bust out of prison.

2018-12-05, 03:35 PM
Your plan to seduce the guard into letting you free end with you getting raped then thrown into an anti-magic cell. On a positive note, you found your hat in the corner of your cell.

I roll to escape my post office employment

2018-12-05, 04:41 PM
You recall a decades old method that a few postal workers used that involves shooting coworkers until you don't work there anymore. You don't quite remember how the process ends in detail, but you guess it's worth a try.

I roll to shut down my computer and go home for the night.

Dire Moose
2018-12-05, 05:51 PM
Your computer objects to being shut down and locks all the doors to the building, sealing you inside.

I roll to save the princess from the dragon.

2018-12-06, 03:00 PM
You aid the evil princess in murdering the peaceful and innocent dragon. Well done, you dragon hating bigot! :smallamused:

I roll to organize a "Scaley Lives Matter" dragon rights meeting.

2018-12-06, 11:59 PM
You leave the princess in charge. Dragons are extinct within the year.

I roll to clone a dragon from a DNA sample.

2018-12-07, 12:33 AM
You wind up cloning the princess, who was the crown princess first in line to the throne, and no one can tell who the real one is leading to a succession crisis in the kingdom.

I roll to try and resolve the succession crisis.

2018-12-07, 08:34 AM
Recalling the wisdom of Solomon, you cut both princesses in half, thinking to give the thrown to the left half of one and the right half of the other. With both princesses dead, a new succession war starts among her cousins. (She had already killed off all of her siblings to become the heir.)

I roll to win the war of succession and become the new king.

2018-12-07, 08:57 AM
You end up with secession from the kingdom and an economic recession. The ensuing civil war lasts years and claims thousands.

I roll to reconstruct the kingdom.

2018-12-07, 09:50 AM
In hindsight, it probably wasn't a smart plan to use ice bricks to remake this desert kingdom.

I roll to roll a 20

2018-12-07, 12:00 PM
Your brain explodes.

I roll to choose between a diner and pizza for lunch.

2018-12-07, 12:23 PM
You stand there in indecision until you pass out from hunger (and sleep deprivation) three days later.

I roll to help the poor man who just passed out in front of me.

2018-12-07, 01:14 PM
I roll to help the poor man who just passed out in front of me.Thank God you're not Dr. Guns for Hands!

2018-12-07, 02:28 PM
You stand there in indecision until you pass out from hunger (and sleep deprivation) three days later.

I roll to help the poor man who just passed out in front of me.

Your pet parrot sees the donut in the man's pocket, and begins pecking him relentlessly

I roll to find a doctor to help

2018-12-07, 07:48 PM
I roll to find a doctor to help

You find Doctor Zoidberg.

I roll to bite Bender's shiny, metal ass.

2018-12-07, 08:48 PM
You somehow wind up biting your own butt.

I roll to call a doctor to help Magic_Hat get his teeth out of his own hindquarters.

2018-12-08, 07:32 AM
You find Dr. Zoidberg......again....

I roll to wake up from cryogenic stasis in the year 3000

2018-12-08, 05:48 PM
I roll to wake up from cryogenic stasis in the year 3000

You wake up in the year 3000, but you have to live in a dumpster with Dr. Zoidberg.

I roll to make another Futurama reference.

2018-12-08, 10:48 PM

I roll to Get Schwifty.

2018-12-09, 06:19 PM
I roll to Get Schwifty.

A satellite falls from the sky and crushes you.

I roll to set up an Acme trap to catch that darn roadrunner.

2018-12-09, 09:47 PM
The roadrunner runs into, and triggers, the trap but it springs across the distance between you and the roadrunner, clamping down on your nose.

I roll to bandage up your newly-broken nose.

2018-12-09, 11:19 PM
You manage to weld the trap to his broken nose instead.

I roll to separate Magic_Hat from the trap his nose is welded to.

Dire Moose
2018-12-10, 01:03 AM
You break his nose off instead.

I roll to write a letter to Santa Claus.

2018-12-10, 08:55 AM
You write a letter to Satan Claws.

I roll to write a funnier response.

2018-12-10, 10:35 AM
Writing a letter to Sandy Claws is many times funnier than Satan Claws.

I roll to see how stupid that answer was.

2018-12-10, 11:57 AM
You believe it was so brilliant that you absolutely have to tell everyone about it over and over until you can't figure out why everyone is suddenly avoiding you all the time.

I roll to change the subject.

2018-12-10, 12:29 PM
I roll to change the subject. (Again.)

2018-12-10, 01:18 PM
You believe it was so brilliant that you absolutely have to tell everyone about it over and over until you can't figure out why everyone is suddenly avoiding you all the time.

I roll to change the subject.You write a letter to Sandy Claws.

I roll to pay the check for my lunch.

2018-12-10, 02:21 PM
I roll to pay the check for my lunch.

Due to a calculation error you accidentally pay for lunch for every person on the planet and are awarded a Nobel Peace Prize.

I roll to launch an investigation to see if jqavins really deserved that Nobel Peace Prize.

2018-12-10, 03:32 PM
Your investigation leads you straight into a wall where you knock yourself out so hard you land in a coma.

I roll to start a war.

2018-12-10, 03:56 PM
I roll to start a war.

You play a game of Risk and end up losing in the first three turns.

I roll to invent a board game Crisis21 can win all the time.

2018-12-10, 04:55 PM
Since he did so poorly at Risk, you figure you should start by calling your game Kris. You both die on the points of wavy daggers.

I rol to poofread teh speeling off my pist.

2018-12-10, 05:07 PM
I rol to poofread teh speeling off my pist.

Well since you rolled a 1 you don't notice anything wrong with your pist. Yep. Your pist is perfect...or should I say pistfect.

I roll to make "pist" a recurring joke.

2018-12-10, 05:24 PM
Your joke can't be #1 because it's too busy being #2.

I roll to make everyone forget the last three posts.

2018-12-10, 07:37 PM
I roll to make everyone forget the last three posts.

A national holiday to celebrate the past three posts will soon be created.

I roll to buy gifts for this newly created holiday.

2018-12-10, 11:31 PM
You get a box of pist.

I roll to kill the joke.

2018-12-10, 11:45 PM
I roll to kill the joke.


I roll to build a machine to control the weather.

2018-12-11, 07:24 AM
You build the opposite of what you wanted - a machine that is controlled by the weather. It's a balloon.

I roll to retrieve the balloon.