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SunderedWorldDM
2018-12-11, 10:29 AM
The balloon carries you into the sky.

I roll to get you down safely.

jqavins
2018-12-11, 11:24 AM
You try to shoot the balloon. As if dropping wouldn't have been bad enough, you hit Cardboard Dragon instead, which makes him let go of the balloon, so he's shot and falls.

I attempt to use a Wish to make that didn't happen.

Magic_Hat
2018-12-11, 12:57 PM
I attempt to use a Wish to make that didn't happen.

A blue genie voiced by Robin Williams appears, but he just sings songs and doesn't grant any wishes.

I roll to make the genie belly-dance.

ChaoticHarmony
2018-12-11, 01:22 PM
He refuses to do it because he doesn't like those who pretend to be more powerful than him.

I roll to make a new Aladdin movie

Magic_Hat
2018-12-11, 01:52 PM
I roll to make a new Aladdin movie

Okay. Here it is. It'll be out in a few months. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aladdin_(2019_film))

What? A live-action Disney remake is basically a natural 1.

I roll to stop all live-action Disney remakes and rewrite reality to erase all Disney live-action remakes that have already happened.

Dire Moose
2018-12-12, 06:04 AM
In the process, you accidentally kill your grandfather before he meets your grandmother, causing a paradox that makes the time-space continuum collapse.

I roll to retrieve the Genesis Device from Khan.

jqavins
2018-12-12, 08:32 AM
Well. You are ready to beam the torpedo off of the Reliant, but you only lock on at the very moment of detonation. The transporter dematerialization effect interacts with the genesis wave, vastly broadening the effect. Rather than creating the Genesis planet, it scatters prtomatter particles across the entire sector, where planet after planet and star after star are destabilized, killing countless people. The sector is impassible for eons due to being a cloud of protomatter particles that will destabilize any matter that enters. Also, the Enterprise is destroyed with all hands. (Also, when the giant space cigar arrives at Earth only months later looking for humpbacks, none can be fetched from the past because the Enterprise officers aren't around to travel to the 1980s, so Earth is destroyed too. But that would have happened even if you had succeeded, unless you're playing the "Rolled a 20" game.)

I roll to prepare a statement for the Federation president telling the galaxy of the disaster and expressing the unexpressable grief over the loss of literally trillions of lives.

SunderedWorldDM
2018-12-12, 09:08 AM
I'm sorry, did you just sing the Ducktales theme? I hardly think that's appropriate. You're fired.

I roll to explain the joke to newcomers to the Rolled a 1 thread.

ChaoticHarmony
2018-12-12, 11:05 AM
Yea, singing the song over and over doesn't clear anything up.

I roll to embrace the madness

Crisis21
2018-12-12, 11:21 AM
Turns out madness isn't much of a hugger and slaps you with a restraining order for the attempt.



I roll to bake cookies.

Dire Moose
2018-12-12, 02:41 PM
You blow up your house.

I roll to save Crisis21 from the flaming wreckage.

jqavins
2018-12-12, 04:11 PM
You save the cookies.

I roll to eat a cookie.

Magic_Hat
2018-12-12, 07:11 PM
I roll to eat a cookie.

The cookie is stolen from you by me.

I roll to eat a cookie.

ChaoticHarmony
2018-12-12, 08:25 PM
It breaks down into tiny, unsatisfying pieces. That's the way the cookie crumbled.

I roll to make a better pun

Magic_Hat
2018-12-12, 08:41 PM
I roll to make a better pun

You are PUN-ished for your lame joke and a piano falls on your head.

I roll to super glue the cookie crumbs back together.

Crisis21
2018-12-12, 10:10 PM
.....my hand is not a cookie. Stop trying to put glue on it.



I roll to wash the glue off.

jwhouk
2018-12-12, 10:35 PM
It's not wise to use superglue as hand soap.

I roll to find if there's any cookies left.

Magic_Hat
2018-12-12, 11:23 PM
I roll to find if there's any cookies left.

There's one cookie left, but are you ready for the plot twist:
You were the cookie all along!

I roll to try to eat jwkouk.

ChaoticHarmony
2018-12-13, 04:12 AM
It's going to take awhile if all you do is lick him

I roll to find out how many licks it takes Magic_Hat to get to the creamy center of jwkouk

jqavins
2018-12-13, 08:27 AM
How many licks does it take to get to the creamy center? Well, um, I, er...

I roll to not be banned from the forum.

jwhouk
2018-12-13, 02:26 PM
YOU MISSPELLED MY NAME!!! (permabans jqavins)

I roll to pet that nice doggie in my front yard.

Crisis21
2018-12-13, 07:12 PM
The dog is rabid and bites you.

I roll to rush jwhouk to the hospital.

Dire Moose
2018-12-13, 08:17 PM
You drive your car off a cliff.

I roll to cast Feather Fall on the car.

Magic_Hat
2018-12-13, 09:56 PM
I roll to cast Feather Fall on the car.

The speed of the car falling accelerates.

I roll to booby trap my house like in Home Alone.

Mister Tom
2018-12-14, 04:04 AM
You do so, with lethal aplomb. Just as you're finishing off hiding the black ice on the pathway under a veneer of fallen leaves, a freak gust of wind shuts the front door behind you, locking you outside...

I roll to jimmy the high kitchen window open with a credit card.

ChaoticHarmony
2018-12-14, 10:07 PM
You set off your own booby trap, which severely electricutes you.

I roll a reflex save for evasion, to avoid taking damage from this booby trap

Crisis21
2018-12-14, 11:17 PM
In retrospect jumping towards the electrified window was not the best idea.


I roll to get in the back door.

Dire Moose
2018-12-15, 08:47 AM
You activate the blowtorch tied to the doorknob and light your head on fire.

I roll to cast Cure Serious Wounds.

ChaoticHarmony
2018-12-15, 09:35 AM
How did you forget you serve a God of Undeath? Next time, prepare the spell instead.

I roll to continue serving Thor

SunderedWorldDM
2018-12-15, 01:19 PM
Thordammit, Loki! Do you HAVE to disguise yourself as Thor and pretend to be my patron god?! This happens every Tuesday...

I roll to see through Loki's trickery.

Crisis21
2018-12-15, 02:47 PM
You have a torrid love affair with a big bad wolf named Totally-Not-Loki. You give birth to Fenrir nine months later...


I roll to raise Fenrir properly.

ChaoticHarmony
2018-12-15, 04:08 PM
He starts consuming the Gods. They're forced to tie him in a paradoxical rope and leave him on a deserted island. They now wish to talk to you about your parenting skills

I roll to change pantheons

Dire Moose
2018-12-15, 07:37 PM
You feed yourself to Cthulhu.

I roll to avoid going insane.

jqavins
2018-12-18, 08:07 AM
You see a 20 on the face of the die. But you feel reality becoming distant all the same. That's not possible; you rolled a 20! Is 20 the same 1?! That means that all numbers lie on the imaginary axis!!! The whole world is just imaginary!!!! The whole world is is a d20 with only 19 sides!!!!!

I roll to discover a new Pythagorean solid, one with 19 sides.

Crisis21
2018-12-18, 12:08 PM
You post your theories on several academic message boards, but your continued insistence despite a complete lack of proof greatly disturbs the academics and causes them to call for you to be committed to a mental institution.


I roll to keep jqavins out of the mental institution.

jwhouk
2018-12-18, 12:08 PM
You go insane instead.

I roll to not roll a 1.

jqavins
2018-12-18, 02:23 PM
You roll nothing but 1s for a year and a day.

I roll to hide in a safe place for a year and a day to avoid all the critical failures.

Masema
2018-12-18, 03:55 PM
You roll nothing but 1s for a year and a day.

I roll to hide in a safe place for a year and a day to avoid all the critical failures.

You find the safest of places, for nothing can match the safety of the grave.

I roll to create the greatest of fighters, Sir Pokey of Stick!

Crisis21
2018-12-18, 05:57 PM
Sir Pokey dies when he pokes himself in the eye with his own stick before even reaching level 1.



I roll to save us from the curse of critical failure.

ChaoticHarmony
2018-12-18, 06:08 PM
You greatly succeed! None can suffer the curse of critical failure while they have the blessing of critical failure!

I roll to be blessed and cursed at the same time

jqavins
2018-12-19, 08:25 AM
You wind up cursed and cursed at the same time (two curses).

I roll to eliminate the scourge of curses from the world.

Dire Moose
2018-12-19, 09:22 AM
You (beep)ing start (beep)ing cursing every other (beep)ing time you (beep)ing say a (beep)ing word, you (beep)ing (beeeeeeep)!

I roll to {scrubbed}.

jwhouk
2018-12-19, 11:06 AM
[Redacted] the [redacted], [redacted] [redacted], but then [redacted] [redacted] the [redacted] [redacted]. [Redacted]!

I roll to try to understand what that just meant.

Crisis21
2018-12-19, 02:15 PM
You ponder it for forty days and forty nights, before misunderstanding it in such a way your face spontaneously combusts from the sudden blush.


I roll to scrub the forum of the last few posts.

jqavins
2018-12-19, 03:49 PM
You give The Giant a sponge bath.

I roll to unsee that.

Dire Moose
2018-12-19, 05:45 PM
The image is permanently seared into your mind for all eternity.

I roll to shoot the bad guy while we are both fighting atop a moving train.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-12-19, 07:34 PM
You stumble off of the train car as you try to line up the shot. You tumble about 40 feet until you collide with a cactus, at which point your gun goes off and shoots a hole in it, causing it so spray burning cactus juice onto your injured face.

I roll to remember not to try treating the cactus wounds.

SunderedWorldDM
2018-12-19, 08:03 PM
Cactus juice? You remember your notes from med school! Yes, yes, here it is: "treat with bullet at high velocity". Oh, I can do that with ease!

I roll to remind you that you never actually went to med school and that this is a note you wrote about a person you dislike.

5crownik007
2018-12-24, 02:36 AM
Nonsense. Everyone on the planet is trained to be a medical doctor from birth. That's why no one has ever died. Including the person you wrote the note about.

I roll to land the spacecraft on perfectly flat terrain.

ChaoticHarmony
2018-12-24, 08:32 PM
You manage to land the plane on a perfectly flat train. At least, it is perfectly flat after you land on it.

I roll to have a Merry Christmas

Magic_Hat
2018-12-25, 01:10 AM
I roll to have a Merry Christmas

How about a Happy Decemberween?:smallwink:

I roll to see if anyone on this forum knows what Decemberween is.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-12-25, 10:34 PM
You dress up as Blue Frankenstein. Your plan makes no sense despite its proximity to Judge Dredd.

I roll to make a friend!

5crownik007
2018-12-26, 04:45 AM
You become very, very good friends with a Funnel Web Spider.
In fact, you're such good friends that you never leave the company of your friend for the rest of your and their existence.

I roll to create an overpowered, homebrew first-level spell.

Magic_Hat
2018-12-26, 07:47 AM
I roll to create an overpowered, homebrew first-level spell.

You create a spell called "Fall Down the Stairs." It make the caster of the spell fall down stairs for an entire week.

I roll to rock and roll all night and party every day and also avoid copyright infringement.

Dire Moose
2018-12-26, 12:08 PM
You quickly start to suffer from sleep deprivation and hearing loss and eventually cause your brain to implode.

I roll to sacrifice a puppy to Orcus.

Crisis21
2018-12-26, 01:39 PM
You wind up finding it a good an loving home. It was quite the sacrifice on your part, though Orcus doesn't seem to agree.

I roll to sing the Twelve Days of Christmas. (Bonus points for including lyrics in the response)


@V: That was horrible and I would tell you to feel bad about yourself if I could stop laughing long enough. :smallbiggrin:

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-12-26, 07:30 PM
Twelve bonus points, eleven bonus points, ten bonus points, nine binus points, eight bunus points, seven bona spoinas, six bonuas poija, FIVE BONER POINNS, four cbonua poiks, three bonus points, two bonausnkpoN I, and one more bomus point for DG!

I roll to warn by bro about the stairs.

Dire Moose
2018-12-28, 12:04 PM
Your warning comes just as he takes the first step, and his resulting distraction causes him to trip, fall down the rest of the stairs, smash his head into a brick wall, and die due to his brains going all splattery.

I roll to keep myself from vomiting upon seeing the gory results.

ChaoticHarmony
2018-12-29, 11:02 AM
You literally vomit your guts out

I roll to revel in the consequences of my actions

Dr.Gunsforhands
2018-12-29, 05:04 PM
You will always rue the day you reveled!

I roll to drink my friends under the table.

Crisis21
2018-12-29, 08:29 PM
You spend thirty minutes drunkenly considering how to adjust the table to make this happen before your friends realize you've had too much and call an uber to take you home.


I roll to uber Dr. Gunsforhands home.

Magic_Hat
2018-12-31, 02:44 PM
I roll to uber Dr. Gunsforhands home.

The uber takes them to Mt Doom - because as well all know one does not simply walk into Mordor.


You dress up as Blue Frankenstein. Your plan makes no sense despite its proximity to Judge Dredd.

I roll to bake a cake for Dr.Gunsforhands for getting my reference and responding to it hilariously.

Dire Moose
2018-12-31, 10:21 PM
You make a cake with lots of cyanide, arsenic, mercury and lead related compounds baked into it because you think they add to the flavor. You feel overjoyed as the obvious wonderful taste makes him utter “GURRRRRKLE!” and fall out of his chair.

I roll to achieve Enuff Dakka.

ChaoticHarmony
2019-01-01, 03:05 AM
All you manage to do is begin 'Multilaser Masturbation'

I roll to stay conscious on New Year's Day

Crisis21
2019-01-01, 03:50 AM
You wake up in 2020.


I roll to set off an epic New Year's fireworks show for everyone!

Magic_Hat
2019-01-01, 06:49 AM
I roll to set off an epic New Year's fireworks show for everyone!

You burn down your house.

I roll to roast marshmellow's on Crisis21's burning house.

Dire Moose
2019-01-01, 11:01 PM
You light them on fire, drop them on yourself, and light yourself on fire.

I roll to put out the flames.

jwhouk
2019-01-02, 12:09 AM
That wasn't water you threw on the flames... it was Gasoline.

I roll to try to escape the ensuing fireball.

jqavins
2019-01-02, 08:55 AM
That wasn't a pool of water you dove into. It was (also) gasoline.

I roll to remember what I was working on before I went on vacation ten days ago.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2019-01-02, 02:46 PM
You navigate to giantitp.com and post a response to a silly message board game. Oh, hey, lunch time already?

I roll to roll over.

Crisis21
2019-01-02, 03:16 PM
You play dead so well your family holds a funeral.


I roll to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

Magic_Hat
2019-01-02, 03:45 PM
I roll to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

You somehow cause the apocalypse.

I roll to survive the apocalypse in the most cliche, generic way possible.

jwhouk
2019-01-02, 09:53 PM
Here's your refrigerator, Indy!

I roll to understand why I got this letter from the US Department of State.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-03, 05:07 PM
I roll to understand why I got this letter from the US Department of State.

You try to comprehend this letter, but you jump to the wrong conclusion, panic, and end up causing several felonies.

I roll to go on a great adventure looking for treasure, but then at the end I learn the real treasure was the journey...or friendship...or other abstract concept.

Crisis21
2019-01-03, 11:07 PM
You wind up lost in the woods going in circles. You realize this is a metaphor for your life right as you pass out from exhaustion.


I roll to search the woods for Magic_Hat, who has been missing for five days.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2019-01-03, 11:45 PM
I roll to search the woods for Crisis21, who has been missing for six days.

Dire Moose
2019-01-04, 09:14 AM
You find a rabid wolverine instead.

I roll to remove the wolverine from Dr. Gunsforhands’s face.

jqavins
2019-01-04, 09:19 AM
You find Magic Hat, on a desert island, who no one knew was missing, because he didn't want to be found. You don't know how you ended up on the island when you were trying to search the forest.(Damn ninjas!)

You break up DG's hot make-out session with Hugh Jackman.

I roll to cause a temporal causality loop.

jwhouk
2019-01-05, 03:26 AM
You find yourself in a traffic jam on the Loop 101 Freeway in Tempe, Arizona during rush hour.

(That's for Dire Moose, BTW.)

I roll to try to get from one side of the Valley to the other.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-05, 07:16 PM
I roll to try to get from one side of the Valley to the other.

Okay. you eventually reach the other side, but it takes so long you don't actually move; the earth tectonic plates shift so geographically you're on the other side.

I roll to win a free car!

Crisis21
2019-01-05, 08:05 PM
Your attempt goes wide, flying far to instead hit a sign next to the parking lot causing it to destabilize and fall onto someone's super-expensive sports car, totaling it completely. You are forced to pay for the damages.


I roll to try and fix the car.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2019-01-05, 08:42 PM
The parts from your own car that you intended to use as replacements don't fit. They don't seem to fit back into your car now, either.

I roll to read the dictionary from cover to cover in one sitting.

V: So, you're saying I rolled a 20 and passed the test of the mind quickly via lateral thinking? :smalltongue:

Magic_Hat
2019-01-05, 09:59 PM
I roll to read the dictionary from cover to cover in one sitting.

Okay. You literally read the front cover of the dictionary, then proceed to only read the back cover of the dictionary next skipping everything inside the book. And you manage to do this all in only one sitting.

I roll to be more literal in other areas of life.

Mister Tom
2019-01-06, 11:38 AM
I roll to be more literal in other areas of life.

You start in the kitchen, setting about some tarts and becoming famous for your spotted dic-

I roll to avoid giving rise to double entendres

Magic_Hat
2019-01-06, 05:52 PM
I roll to avoid giving rise to double entendres

Two days from now you will be banned from these forums for inappropriate comments related to double entendres.

I roll to start a petition to allow Mister Tom to return to these forums.

jqavins
2019-01-07, 12:26 PM
You are also banned from the forum, along with everyone else who signed the petition.

I roll to start a comical forum thread about critical failures.

Crisis21
2019-01-07, 01:02 PM
CrackedChair ninjas your thread by two and a half years.


I roll to make bacon and eggs.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-07, 01:04 PM
I roll to start a comical forum thread about critical failures.

You somehow reintroduce the bubonic plague back into society.

I roll to avoid catching the plague.

SunderedWorldDM
2019-01-07, 02:02 PM
You followed Dr. Gunsforhand's instructions to slather the pus of the infected all over your body to ward off the evil of the plague. It didn't work, apparently.

I roll to avoid Dr. Gunsforhand's ire.

jqavins
2019-01-07, 03:00 PM
I roll to make bacon and eggs.You dry cure, smoke, and cook Kevin Bacon, along with all of Kyra Sedgwick's ova.


I roll to avoid Dr. Gunsforhand's ire.You continue to "good naturedly" make fun of DG's incompetence. When you shake his hand it goes off and shoots you in the gut.

I attempt to find a way to induce an adult woman's (Kyra's) ovaries to make new ovum calls. (But it's too late for Kevin.)

Magic_Hat
2019-01-07, 04:28 PM
I attempt to find a way to induce an adult woman's (Kyra's) ovaries to make new ovum calls. (But it's too late for Kevin.)

You don't do that, but you do discover cold fusion.

I attempt to steal the notes from jqavins about how he discovered cold fusion and publish them as my own.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2019-01-07, 10:11 PM
You steal... something. When you try to recreate the experiment, you wind up installing a phone line in your friend's uterus.

I roll to create a phone game that people actually like.

Crisis21
2019-01-08, 12:02 AM
You end up creating a virus that turns smart phones into bricks, causing global society to collapse overnight. That sound outside your house is the torch and pitchfork crowd.


I roll to get rid of Dr. Gunsforhands's virus.

Dire Moose
2019-01-08, 11:49 PM
You cause it to mutate into an instadeath plague that is uncontrollably virulent. Every life form on Earth dies.

I roll to find a suitably elegant dress for the Royal Ball.

Korith
2019-01-11, 03:58 PM
You find a potato sack with three holes in the bottom. After much struggling, you're able to fit your arms and head through the three holes, though you look like a hunchback.

I roll to start a fire with two sticks.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2019-01-11, 10:58 PM
Your frustrated swearing somehow encourages a tree to grow at your feet and then promptly dry out and break in half. That's right: you just made two sticks with your sick fires.

I roll to take candy from a baby.

Crisis21
2019-01-12, 12:49 AM
The baby beats you up and takes your lunch money.


I roll tie my shoelaces.

Dire Moose
2019-01-12, 01:24 AM
You tie them together and trip yourself.

I roll to find my way home in a blizzard.

jqavins
2019-01-12, 02:27 PM
You find your way to a blizzard while still in your home.

I roll to eat a slice of pie.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2019-01-12, 09:39 PM
You definitely eat something, but when you look down, the pie is still there.

I roll to befriend a hamster.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-13, 02:38 AM
I roll to befriend a hamster.

The hamster gnaws your face off.

I roll to give Dr.Gunsforhands cosmetic surgery to reconstruct his missing face.

Crisis21
2019-01-13, 10:02 AM
Thanks to your efforts Dr. Gunsforhands new nickname is Dr. Buttforahead.


I roll to start a conspiracy.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-13, 09:11 PM
Thanks to your efforts Dr. Gunsforhands new nickname is Dr. Buttforahead.


I roll to start a conspiracy.

Instead of getting involved with some esoteric secret society, you join the local Used Washing Machine Collector's Club.

I roll to make a sandwich.

Dire Moose
2019-01-14, 02:29 PM
You combine the ingredients in such a way that they create a sentient life form, which immediately starts trying to kill you.

I attack the food monster with my sword.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-14, 06:12 PM
You combine the ingredients in such a way that they create a sentient life form, which immediately starts trying to kill you.

I attack the food monster with my sword.

Your sword asks the food monster out. They leave. Then a rock falls on you.

I roll to find an honest lawyer.

Crisis21
2019-01-14, 08:36 PM
Your search takes you to the gates of Hell and you are admitted readily before you realize that this probably isn't the best place to search for such a thing. Unfortunately, while you were let in, getting out proves far, far, far, far, far more difficult.


I roll to overhaul Hell's immigration policy.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-14, 09:59 PM
Your search takes you to the gates of Hell and you are admitted readily before you realize that this probably isn't the best place to search for such a thing. Unfortunately, while you were let in, getting out proves far, far, far, far, far more difficult.


I roll to overhaul Hell's immigration policy.

Hell deports you to a small decrepit tavern in Norway.

I roll to genetically engineer the perfect super-soldier.

Dire Moose
2019-01-14, 10:56 PM
You create a guy with no arms or legs.

I roll to remind Sizzlefoot about the three-post rule.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-16, 03:12 AM
I roll to remind Sizzlefoot about the three-post rule.

Your attempt fails and is seen as harassment. People pity Sizzlefoot, and make them the new supreme ruler of these forums. All hail Sizzlefoot in the Playground! May his reign be long, and plight find his enemies!

I roll to appease Sizzlefoot lest he turn a vengeful eye towards me.

jqavins
2019-01-16, 08:12 AM
Sizzlefoot smites you for mocking his good friend Dire Moose.

I attempt to resist the natural urge to tend Magic Hat's woulds, lest I draw Mighty Sizzlefoot's wrath down upon myself.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-16, 10:18 AM
I attempt to resist the natural urge to tend Magic Hat's woulds, lest I draw Mighty Sizzlefoot's wrath down upon myself.

You try to resist, but it is futile. You not only treat Magic Hat's wound's, you transplant their brain into a state of the art robot body so powerful it could beat all the Avengers+Saitama.

I roll to find out who Magic Hat is. Is that some sort of doppelganger trying to become me? If so they're just an underscore away from doing so.

Korith
2019-01-16, 04:31 PM
You discover that Magic_Hat is a literal hat. You spend the rest of your days trying to sit on people's heads.

I roll to write a fun science fiction novel.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-16, 05:11 PM
I roll to write a fun science fiction novel.

You write a novel about hitchhiking through space, and are immediately sued for plagiarism by Douglas Adams - I hope you remembered a towel.

I roll to represent Douglas Adams in court.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-16, 06:15 PM
Marvin speaks one word. You are now hopelessly depressed.

I roll to cheer up Magic_Hat.

Crisis21
2019-01-16, 07:02 PM
You end up depressing him so much that he tries to swallow a live grenade.


I roll to take my paladin final exam.

SunderedWorldDM
2019-01-16, 07:39 PM
Congratulations! You graduated! As a wizard.

I roll to cast Magic Missile.

Dire Moose
2019-01-17, 06:12 AM
You cast Fireball instead. On yourself.

I roll to cast Summon Monster.

Korith
2019-01-17, 10:50 AM
The scroll explodes in your face, which is replaced by a Dire Platypus.

I roll to bargain selling Dire Moose to the local freak show.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-17, 11:46 AM
I roll to bargain selling Dire Moose to the local freak show.

Dire Moose outsmarts you and sells you to a local freak show.

I roll to ask someone out to go to the local freak show.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-17, 12:01 PM
Dire Moose outsmarts you and sells you to a local freak show.

I roll to ask someone out to go to the local freak show.

A small rock named Terry agrees to go with you.

I roll to turn Terry into a real boy.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-17, 12:10 PM
I roll to turn Terry into a real boy.

Through a series of bizarre events you are swallowed by a giant whale.

I roll to see if a one-legged ship captain will go whale hunting with me.

jqavins
2019-01-17, 12:19 PM
"No, I finally learned my lesson on that score. The world thinks I'm dead, and I plan to keep it that way."

I roll to tell the world that Ahab is alive.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-17, 12:39 PM
"No, I finally learned my lesson on that score. The world thinks I'm dead, and I plan to keep it that way."

I roll to tell the world that Ahab is alive.

You accidentally kill Ahab in the process but succeed in telling everyone he's alive. You're now being chased by an angry mob carrying pitchforks and torches.

I roll to rescue jqavins from the angry mob.

Crisis21
2019-01-17, 01:22 PM
You end up tying him to a silver platter and handing him over. You're not entirely sure how that happened.


I roll to get to my Wizard class.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2019-01-17, 04:29 PM
You lock yourself in the lavatory and have to spend the rest of the campaign hanging out with Moaning Myrtle.

I roll to examine a skeleton and determine its cause of death.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-17, 05:24 PM
I roll to examine a skeleton and determine its cause of death.

In a Twilight Zone twist, you discover the skeleton you're examining is you. You freak out and blindly run into the street getting hit by a time traveling car that kills you and sends you into the past.

I roll to eat a lot of really spicy hot wings without drinking water once.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-17, 07:05 PM
In a Twilight Zone twist, you discover the skeleton you're examining is you. You freak out and blindly run into the street getting hit by a time traveling car that kills you and sends you into the past.

I roll to eat a lot of really spicy hot wings without drinking water once.

Hot wings? You didn't specify what kind. They turn out to be red dragon wings. You're reduced to a cinder.

I roll to resurrect Magic_Hat.

jqavins
2019-01-18, 08:16 AM
I roll to resurrect Magic_Hat.S/he comes back as a red dragon and eats you.


In a Twilight Zone twist, you discover the skeleton you're examining is you. You freak out and blindly run into the street getting hit by a time traveling car that kills you and sends you into the past.A time travelling car, you say? I roll to console Marty and the Doc that the accident wasn't their fault.

Crisis21
2019-01-18, 08:59 AM
In retrospect complimenting them on a 'clean kill' probably wasn't the way to go about that.


I roll to age.

Dire Moose
2019-01-18, 09:02 AM
You become immortal and eventually run out of things to do, to the point where you wish you could die to alleviate the extreme boredom.

I roll to become the queen.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-18, 02:53 PM
You become the queen of small Russian tortoises, hubcaps, and all Michael Bay films.

I roll to summon Orcus, Demon Lord of Undeath.

jqavins
2019-01-18, 03:08 PM
This is a very odd situation in which critical failure is the same as ordinary success. Orcus is loosed on the world, and you are his first victim.

I roll to get over a cold.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2019-01-18, 06:54 PM
Now you're sneezing and on fire.

I roll to burn a house down for the insurance money.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-18, 07:23 PM
I roll to burn a house down for the insurance money.

You burn your own house down.


S/he comes back as a red dragon and eats you.

I'm all man!


A time travelling car, you say? I roll to console Marty and the Doc that the accident wasn't their fault.

Glad someone got what I was alluding to.

I roll to find a magic lamp with a blue genie that spouts pop culture, play a board game where jungle animals magically appear, and hire a maid that's really a man in drag.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-18, 08:51 PM
The lamp has an orange genie that spouts sports statistics, you play a non-magical board game about mountain-dwelling animals, and the maid really was a woman.

Edit: You think that my password is "burly pineapple 666".

Then I edit my own post to write a prompt.

I roll to contact a high-level spellcaster from beyond the grave and tell them to summon Demogorgon in order to take on now-rampaging Orcus.

SCPTropes
2019-01-18, 08:55 PM
You are now a genie in drag, stuck in a lamp that makes jungle animals, and your maid is now a board game that spouts pop culture.

I roll to avoid getting flamed by the forum after making such an uncreative response.

Dr.Gunsforhands
2019-01-18, 08:55 PM
You take too long typing your post and someone beats you to it, so I end up responding to their post and not yours. So... technical success?

I roll to guess Sizzlefoot's password and edit a prompt into their post.

Crisis21
2019-01-18, 10:55 PM
You think burly pineapples are the devil incarnate.


I roll to eat a burly pineapple.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-18, 11:20 PM
The pineapple punches you in the face and leaves to get even more yok'd.

I roll to flirt with the pineapple.

SCPTropes
2019-01-18, 11:32 PM
You flirt with a nonsapient pineapple. You are now heartbroken, since the pineaple, being nonsapient, does not return your advances.

I roll to repair Sizzlefoot's heart.

Dire Moose
2019-01-19, 12:46 AM
You take him into the hospital for open-heart surgery. Unfortunately, Dr. Gunsforhands happened to be on call at the time.

I reanimate Sizzlefoot’s corpse into a zombie.

ElementalKnight
2019-01-19, 10:43 AM
Thanks to Dr. Gunsforhands' ministrations, he is now more lead than squishy body bits. As such, you have created a rampaging lead-golem.

I roll to appraise the damage the lead-golem causes.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-19, 11:08 AM
Thanks to Dr. Gunsforhands' ministrations, he is now more lead than squishy body bits. As such, you have created a rampaging lead-golem.

I roll to appraise the damage the lead-golem causes.

I, the lead golem, repair all the damage I did before you can appraise it.

I roll to get reincarnated as a psychic pterodactyl.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-19, 12:16 PM
I roll to get reincarnated as a psychic pterodactyl.

You get reincarnated as a puppet version of that.

I roll to roll a natural 1.

ElementalKnight
2019-01-19, 12:24 PM
Your 1 is entirely unnatural. It is GMO, non-Organic, and contains traces of benzodiazepines. It is known by the state of California to contain materials that may cause cancer. However, it still numerically functions as a 1 for most purposes.

I roll to shave my dice, to make nat20's slightly more likely.

Dire Moose
2019-01-19, 12:25 PM
The resulting paradox (only exacerbated by the appearance of post-stealing ninjas) weakens the very fabric of reality itself, causing the Snarl to escape and erase everything from existence.

I roll to create a better universe.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-19, 01:17 PM
I roll to create a better universe.

You create a reality that runs on Windows 98.

I roll to donate money to charity.

Crisis21
2019-01-19, 04:07 PM
Thank you for your donation to Me, Myself, and I!


I roll to blow this money on frivolities.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-19, 04:39 PM
You invest the money in the paper-making industry.

I roll to destroy our reliance on paper.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-19, 05:20 PM
I roll to destroy our reliance on paper.

You decide to write down the course you plan to take to do this, but you write it on paper creating a paradox. This drives you insane, and you are put in a mental institution.

I roll to cure Sizzlefoot's insanity.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-19, 06:21 PM
You realize that, being a lead golem, I can't possibly go insane, which drives you insane.

I roll to block X-rays.

SCPTropes
2019-01-19, 07:52 PM
The lead in your body forms the shape of a spell circle for an enchantment, fueled by the magic that animates you, that increases the power of X-rays fired at you.

I roll to disenchant Sizzlefoot.

Crisis21
2019-01-19, 09:25 PM
The enchantment and the X-rays form a feedback loop that causes Sizzlefoot to explode within ten seconds wiping out everything within a ten block radius.


I roll to assess the damage.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-19, 09:51 PM
The enchantment and the X-rays form a feedback loop that causes Sizzlefoot to explode within ten seconds wiping out everything within a ten block radius.


I roll to assess the damage.

Before you can assess the damage, the ambient magical energy caused by the explosion teleports the entire area to space.

I roll to cease being a pile of twitching half-melted lead body parts in space.

ChaoticHarmony
2019-01-19, 10:38 PM
You become a pile of twitching completely melted lead body parts in space

I roll to let the dogs outs

Dire Moose
2019-01-20, 09:43 AM
You let all the neighborhood feral cats in. The dogs all go nuts trying to chase them.

I roll to dig up a fossilized dinosaur skeleton.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-20, 11:20 AM
You dig up a non-fossilized dinosaur skeleton.

I roll to fossilize the dinosaur skellington.

Crisis21
2019-01-20, 12:20 PM
https://images.fun.com/products/48444/1-2/jack-skellington-bust-bank-.jpg
Um... what exactly are you trying to do to me? It's a bit distracting. I have Halloween to prepare for after all.


I roll to summon a monster to destroy the next poster.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-20, 12:22 PM
I roll to summon a monster to destroy the next poster.

Plot twist: you were the monster all along. Also you can't destroy me. I'm like immortal and stuff.

I roll to build a monument to myself.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-20, 12:28 PM
You build a monument of Crisis21.

I roll to climb the monument, still a pile of twitching fully melted lead body parts.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-20, 02:00 PM
I roll to climb the monument, still a pile of twitching fully melted lead body parts.

You fall off the monument and break your face.

I roll to send Sizzlefoot a get well card.

Crisis21
2019-01-20, 02:39 PM
You send him a card telling him how awesome it was that he broke a face he didn't actually have at the time and you want to see him do it again.


I roll to heal Sizzlefoot's broken, melted, and re-broken body.

Dire Moose
2019-01-20, 02:52 PM
You melt him down completely in a factory where he is used for raw materials.

I roll to tame the Tarrasque.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-20, 03:12 PM
The Tarrasque becomes even more wild and grows slightly larger. It eats you. You're dealt 4000d100 acid damage and must make a DC Infinity Constitution saving throw or die so hard that you come back to life.

I roll to pull Dire Moose's sizzling remains from the gullet of the tarrasque.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-20, 03:13 PM
I roll to tame the Tarrasque.

The Tarrasuqe has already been tamed, and thus you have wasted your time.

I roll to win a car race.

Sizzlefoot is also eaten by the Tarrasque.

I roll to not be ninja'd by Sizzlefoot.:smallannoyed:

Crisis21
2019-01-20, 05:38 PM
You are ninja'd by Sizzlefoot so hard that you too end up in the belly of the Tarrasque.


I roll to feed the Tarrasque.

@V: So... success?

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-20, 05:53 PM
You, too, are eaten by the Tarrasque.

I roll to start a religion centered around the majestic Tarrasque.

jwhouk
2019-01-21, 10:48 AM
You are also eaten by the Tarrasque.

I roll to break the chain.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-21, 02:25 PM
The chain breaks you.

I roll to give the Tarrasque led poisoning.

Crisis21
2019-01-21, 02:29 PM
You stuff yourself full of LED lights and jump in the Tarrasque's mouth.


I roll to create an all-you-can-eat buffet (myself included) for the Tarrasque.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-21, 02:56 PM
I roll to create an all-you-can-eat buffet (myself included) for the Tarrasque.

You include recalled meat in the buffet and the tarrasque is dead.

I roll to a bring the tarrasque back to life.

SCPTropes
2019-01-21, 04:33 PM
You get eaten by the (now reanimated) Zombie Tarrasque.

I roll to Divine Smite the Zombie Tarrasque.

jwhouk
2019-01-21, 08:39 PM
...the Zombie Tarrasque eats you. (You have yummy brains, it seems.)

I roll again to try to break this chain.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-21, 10:19 PM
The chain gives you an odd look and walks away.

I roll to charm the Zombie Tarrasque.

Crisis21
2019-01-22, 02:41 AM
The Zombie Tarrasque thinks you're too disgusting to even eat and just stomps on you until you're a smear on the ground.


I roll to use necromancy to empower the Zombie Tarrasque into the undead God of the world.

jqavins
2019-01-22, 11:40 AM
You summon the existing Undead God of the World, who destroys the zombie tarasque. Utterly. Forever. No backsies.

I roll to research a new, fourth level, Summon Familiar, Greater, which gives improved benefits compared to the traditional first level spell or Sor/Wiz ability.

Dire Moose
2019-01-22, 02:39 PM
You summon a Tarrasque familiar. Nom nom nom.

I roll to have fun.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-22, 07:15 PM
I roll to have fun.

You run into several hornets nests.

I roll to be as healthy and athletic as Homer Simpson.

Crisis21
2019-01-22, 08:58 PM
You manage to become as healthy as Darth Vader and as athletic as a snail.


I roll to use the Force.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-22, 09:12 PM
The Force uses you.

I roll to join the Dark Side.

Dire Moose
2019-01-22, 09:38 PM
You get into a lightsaber duel with your old master in a volcano, which results in all your limbs getting chopped off and your body severely burned.

I roll to evade the TIE fighters in an asteroid field.

jqavins
2019-01-23, 08:27 AM
You fly into the gaping maw of some weird space creature which chews you up and swallows you.

I roll to rescue the princess from the detention level.

Crisis21
2019-01-23, 10:42 AM
You get compacted with the trash right after learning the princess was in another castle the whole time.


I roll to determine which castle the princess is in.

Dire Moose
2019-01-23, 11:08 AM
You determine that she is in Castle Wolfenstein. You get killed by MechaHitler while trying to find her and Bowser.

I roll to draw the Master Sword from its pedestal.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-23, 02:29 PM
I roll to draw the Master Sword from its pedestal.

You are deemed unworthy and are vaporized.

I roll to jump over Springfield Gorge on a skateboard.

jqavins
2019-01-23, 03:32 PM
You succeed, but spend the rest of eternity as a ten year old boy in the most screwed up town on Earth.

I roll to pull Excalibur from the stone.

Crisis21
2019-01-23, 03:41 PM
You are found three days later having somehow impaled yourself on the hilt.


I roll to investigate the scene.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-23, 04:01 PM
You succeed, but spend the rest of eternity as a ten year old boy in the most screwed up town on Earth.

Sweet! Best outcome imaginable!


I roll to investigate the scene.

You also impale yourself with the hilt.

I roll to type with boxing gloves on so I can start a web series.

Dire Moose
2019-01-23, 04:23 PM
Fifjricirhfu dkfir ochfhff idhfy fidjbfjcir nfofk fidnfjfu.

I roll to lift Mjolnir.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-23, 04:35 PM
You lift Mjolnir, but then Thrym takes it, Thor blames it on you, and everybody dies.

I roll to stop Lif and Lifthrasir from killing each other.

SCPTropes
2019-01-23, 05:27 PM
They both kill you for trying to interrupt, and then go back to killing each other.

I roll to summon a birb.

Crisis21
2019-01-23, 06:34 PM
You manage to summon its poop. All of its poop. Ever. Right over your head.


I roll to enact special containment procedures.

Sizzlefoot
2019-01-23, 07:19 PM
You contain yourself extremely well.

I roll to cast Sticks to Snakes.

SCPTropes
2019-01-23, 09:57 PM
You accidentally hit a forest. With a druid circle. You are now on the run from a mob of angry druids, who want revenge for the snakeification (yes I know that's not a word) of the forest.

I roll to save Sizzlefoot from a mob of angry druids.

Dire Moose
2019-01-24, 12:43 AM
You get hit by numerous Baleful Polymorph spells when you try, which all interact with each other. And that, my children, is how the platypus came to be.

I roll to rock out.

Magic_Hat
2019-01-24, 01:48 AM
I roll to rock out.

Well you end up rocking to roll out.

I roll to start a new "Rolled a 1 Game" thread because this thread almost at 50 pages.

Crisis21
2019-01-24, 02:23 AM
You fail and are not allowed to start the next "Rolled a '1' Game" thread.


:( I roll to console Magic_Hat.

jqavins
2019-01-24, 07:24 AM
You and Magic_Hat are both ostracized for trying to shut down the coolest forum game ever.

I roll to hack the forum software and ensure that this thread is never shut down or replaced by a new one.

SCPTropes
2019-01-24, 10:03 AM
You successfully create a backdoor into the forum, but get hacked before you can do anything with it.

I roll to use jqavins' backdoor to remove ponytars from the poster below me.

Dire Moose
2019-01-24, 01:12 PM
New thread has been started. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?579299-The-%93Rolled-a-1%94-Game-II-Critical-Fail)

jqavins
2019-01-25, 08:54 AM
You successfully create a backdoor into the forum, but get hacked before you can do anything with it.

I roll to use jqavins' backdoor to remove ponytars from the poster below me.The post, and its subject, are flooded in pokemon and MLPs.


New thread has been started. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?579299-The-%93Rolled-a-1%94-Game-II-Critical-Fail)After a brief existence dominated by pokemon and MLPs, the new thread is abandoned and a torch-and-pitch-fork mob comes after you for bringing about such a catastrophe.

I roll to install new carpet in my house.

Dire Moose
2019-01-25, 11:58 AM
This thread is no longer active. Please use the new thread.