View Full Version : TPAY/TPBY The "Rolled a 1" Game

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2016-06-17, 10:30 PM
Ok, folks, I came up with a new game... I think. There might have been a game like this, but I don't know if there was... so let's leave it at that.

Alright, here is how this game goes. There will be a Posted skill check for a specific action they will be taking, and the poster below you has to post a result from rolling a 1, or crit-failing, that took effect from their skill check. After that, the poster then posts a new skill check scenario.

For example, lets say the poster above you said that there is a skill check they are making to push an orc off a bridge. The poster below them would say that they rolled a 1, and instead they lightly caressed his back.

So let's get this trainwreck started!


I am going to make a Persuasion check to parley with the elves that are poaching our tribe's boars.

2016-06-17, 11:12 PM
You accidentally say what is possibly the worst insult to elvenkind. Ever. You are captured and/or murdered in an appropriate fashion to the elves in question.

Spellcraft check to identify the mysterious magic amulet.

2016-06-17, 11:33 PM
Identity discovered! It's a galaxy.

Sense motive on a drow coming at you with a scimitar.

Blue Ghost
2016-06-17, 11:47 PM
He just wants a hug.

Attack roll against the broad side of a barn.

2016-06-18, 01:21 AM
Not only did you fail to hit, you somehow ended up cutting off your own leg. Good job!

I roll an Acrobatics (or equivalent) check to cannonball off a diving board.

Prince Zahn
2016-06-18, 01:30 AM
You land KER-SPLAT! on the sharp corners of a weighted companion cube, solidifying it's reputation forever more.

Survival check to navigate in the wilderness.

Professor Gnoll
2016-06-18, 06:28 AM
You find yourself on the Quasi-Elemental Plane of Cascading Spiders. Somehow.

Oh, you were holding the map upside down. That'd do it.

Handle Animal on the cute little alpaca.

2016-06-18, 07:04 AM
Yes, cute. Stare into its eyes. Wonder at its fur. Kill your family for using its majestic ancestors as livestock. Stand slackjawed as it eats grass. Bow to your new alpaca overlord. My friend, it seems the animal has handled you.

I roll a Sense Motive check to figure out what that shopkeep meant.

2016-06-18, 04:07 PM
You find yourself on the Quasi-Elemental Plane of Cascading Spiders. Somehow.

Oh, you were holding the map upside down. That'd do it.

Handle Animal on the cute little alpaca.

Rocks fall, everyone dies.

I roll for including both halves of the required game mechanics in my post.

2016-06-18, 04:29 PM
You get ninja'd. (Somehow.)

Climb check to climb a ladder.

Mister Tom
2016-06-18, 05:00 PM
The ladder was the wrong way up, and you are now stuck walking upside down on the ceiling...

I roll to listen for rumours in the reputable local tavern.

2016-06-18, 06:40 PM
You heard about somebody's surgery, having a slaad tadpole removed from their body surgically. You now make a constitution saving throw to not vomit. (DC 18)

I now make a intelligence, or charisma check to dream about my true love...

Black Socks
2016-06-18, 06:42 PM
It's the hate-driven main antagonist who wants nothing more than to see you suffer.

I make a check to dance.

Sgt. Cookie
2016-06-18, 06:59 PM
You successfully breakdance! By that I mean you break several bones in your attempt to dance.

I attempt a will save to disbelieve that I'm dying.

2016-06-18, 07:05 PM
You successfully breakdance! By that I mean you break several bones in your attempt to dance.

I attempt a will save to disbelieve that I'm dying.

You believe you are a ghost. You trying to walk through a wall, crashing your nose, and die for real, because of nose bleed.

Trying to sneak attack on ilthid

2016-06-18, 09:04 PM
You accidentally shove your head into its tentacles. He eats your brain, commenting that it seems like empty calories.

A ritual to cleanse some kind of dark energy from my ally.

2016-06-18, 11:09 PM
You turn into a newt.

I roll for quoting Monty Python.

2016-06-19, 04:24 AM
You gleefully proclaim "Scooby Dooby Doo!"

Attempting to seduce the gate guards...

2016-06-19, 04:52 AM
You sleaze out the best chat-up line you can think of: "say, that gate isn't the only thing I'd like to enter, if you know what I mean *wink-wink*" The swift knee you receive between your legs tells you that the guard knew exactly what you meant, and she didn't like it.

Knowledge check to figure out what that ominous black monument is.

2016-06-19, 09:19 AM
Exciting gift shop. Come on in!

Escape artist check to squeeze through the bars.

Black Socks
2016-06-19, 10:29 AM
You somehow turn yourself inside out.

Intelligence check to recognize an illusion.

2016-06-19, 10:44 AM
It's not an illusion --- wait, it's... Mother! MOMMY!

The bard wants to perform a jolly tune in order to lighten up the mood in the tavern brawl!

Mister Tom
2016-06-19, 11:54 AM
Most historians are agreed that that was how the war began.

Thief rolls a one when trying to pick the dwarf lord's pocket...

2016-06-19, 01:08 PM
He steals his own pants without himself noticing.

My hadoken is being cast upon the vicious dragon.

2016-06-19, 01:16 PM
You accidentally input a Shoryuken a distance away from the dragon. Said dragon then utilizes a combo to KO you.

I make a check to confuse somebody in a swordfight by speaking with Australian slang.

2016-06-19, 01:45 PM
You yell "toss another shrimp on the barbie, you flamin' galah!" to little effect. A nearby Australian crocodile expert overhears you and takes offence at your stereotyping and terrible attempt at an Aussie accent. He responds by telling you "that's not a knife, THIS is a knife!" before pulling out a much larger sword than yours and joining the fight against you.

Gonna attempt to bluff my way into the swanky high-society ball.

2016-06-19, 03:51 PM
Oddly enough, your roll is just barely enough to get in.

Roll to bluff the stupid ogre.

Black Socks
2016-06-19, 04:02 PM
You convince him.... That you are the personification of all evil in this world.

Dexterity check to juggle.

2016-06-19, 04:59 PM
You take 3d6 damage from the knives that you dropped directly on you. Even though you weren't actually juggling knives to begin with.

I cast Magic Missile at the darkness.

2016-06-19, 05:02 PM
You find that waking up ogres by missiles is not the best way to start the day.

I roll to jump and land gracefully in front of the Elven Queen.

2016-06-19, 05:07 PM
you landing on her neck breaking it, while farting aloud.

I roll for crafting a magical sling

2016-06-19, 05:09 PM
Oh it's magical alright. The stone always seems to miss your target, ricochet off something, and hit you or one of your allies.

I roll to bluff the vampire lord that he shouldn't eat me.

2016-06-19, 06:30 PM
You successfully convince him that you taste like something that most would never eat, but he happens to consider a delicacy.

I attempt to climb a tree, to survey my surroundings.

Mister Tom
2016-06-19, 07:02 PM
You become entangled inThe vines parasitising the tree, which have rare hallucinatory properties.

Your party is subsequently unable to locate the wobbly giant purple hamsters you so lucidly described before attempting to seduce your own reflection in the paladin's plate mail.

You have been hired to provide security for the wedding of a rich merchant, and attempt to dress and comport yourself appropriately

Black Socks
2016-06-19, 07:47 PM
Nudity is the new fashion.

Constitution check to not get drunk after consuming alcohol.

2016-06-19, 11:09 PM
You explode.

I roll to stab myself.

2016-06-19, 11:36 PM
You miss. You are dieing from shame, and your friends feels too akward to bury you.

I'm trying to babysit a dragon's egg to gain her trust.

2016-06-20, 01:48 AM
You form a strong bond with the eggs and consider yourself a better parent to them than the dragon. The dragons hears your loud hiss directed at her.

The barbarian dwarf is trying to herd a pack of bewildered ponies back into their den.

2016-06-20, 01:17 PM

I roll to taste the rainbow.

Mister Tom
2016-06-20, 02:58 PM
Your tongue gets stuck to the frozen rainbow. Yep, looks just like that.

I roll to dodge under a table to shelter from a bar brawl.

An Idle Mercy
2016-06-20, 05:50 PM
Turns out that "table" was the buffet where the evening's pot of stew was sitting. You've just knocked it to the ground and turned all of the brawlers' attention to you. Well done.

I roll to identify the meaning of the glyph on that unholy altar.

2016-06-20, 05:57 PM
It says:"Good fortune and cookies shall be the share of the one who touch this altar!"

rolling to devolp a a greater version of magic missile

Scarlet Knight
2016-06-20, 09:15 PM
You create a Magic Missal, making Mass understandable to those without knowledge of Latin.

I roll to escape by stabbing the main sail and sliding down in a controlled cut...

2016-06-20, 09:57 PM
The knife sticks in the sail, you fall and go splat.

Roll to jump over the ravine!

2016-06-20, 11:34 PM
You miss the ground and fall into space.

Roll to see how painfully you asphyxiate.

Black Socks
2016-06-21, 07:13 AM
They say that if you stand in that spot on the full moon, you can still hear the screams of agony....:eek:

I make a check to work up the courage to ask someone to the king's ball.

2016-06-21, 09:23 AM
You reach a fair maiden, looking rather cute and cheeks blushed from your approach. You then mutter up the courage to ask her to be your partner only to hear a loud and deep-voiced "Why yes, me loves the dance!" coming from next to the young lady. The half-orc barbarian lady is now carrying you around for some dress shopping.

I roll to trace my parents from the crowd...

2016-06-21, 09:34 AM
You quite sure the pair of gnolls who are eating a baby are your parents!

I am trying to summon a succubos

Mister Tom
2016-06-21, 12:41 PM
You know all there is to know about the crying game...:smalleek:

I try to infiltrate the enemy camp disguised as a conscript.

2016-06-21, 01:25 PM
Your disguise is a pot on your head and a shirt that says "komrade konscript" on it. You are teleported to the front lines.

I attempt a craft check to create the ultimate weapon.

2016-06-21, 02:07 PM
The enemy army has mind-control runes in their helmets to ensure the loyalty of their soldiers. It quickly takes effect on you and you fall into the ranks, now a part of the army you were trying to infiltrate.

I roll to fight the werewolf.

Prince Zahn
2016-06-21, 02:59 PM
Your disguise is a pot on your head and a shirt that says "komrade konscript" on it. You are teleported to the front lines.

I attempt a craft check to create the ultimate weapon.
You make the ultimate coupon instead : buy 1 Sword get 3 free and a hug, O hell yes! Everyone wants one but it drives you out of business and smelly from ask the people you hugged...

The enemy army has mind-control runes in their helmets to ensure the loyalty of their soldiers. It quickly takes effect on you and you fall into the ranks, now a part of the army you were trying to infiltrate.

I roll to fight the werewolf.
The werewolf breaks your (weapon, and your hand) with a single bite.

I roll to resist getting infected by Lycanthropy.

Black Socks
2016-06-21, 03:30 PM
You descend into the underworld as the savage and mindless god of lycanthropy.

Intelligence check to do some math.

2016-06-21, 03:57 PM
You're not entirely sure you've got the correct answer, but you've narrowed it down to either "11" or "green."

I roll a diplomacy check against TSA security agents to appear friendly and not a terrorist.

Mister Tom
2016-06-21, 04:30 PM
You're not entirely sure you've got the correct answer, but you've narrowed it down to either "11" or "green."

I roll a diplomacy check against TSA security agents to appear friendly and not a terrorist.

You realise that your travel documents had been left in your pocket on washing day, and explain their dog- eared look by telling the agent that they have "just been laundered".
( a friend of mine actually did this.)

The cleric goes to gather food in the forest.

2016-06-21, 05:01 PM
"Mm... Delicious, harmless looking glowing green-pinkish mushrooms..."

My ranger searches for a good tree to climb and shoot from.

Grand Arbiter
2016-06-21, 05:32 PM
"This oak tree with poison ivy and a hornet's nest is perfect!"

I roll to find the OOTS strip I wanted to quote.

Black Socks
2016-06-21, 05:39 PM
You get strip #20.

I roll to lip-sync well.

2016-06-21, 08:56 PM
You absentmindedly blow a bubble with your gum in the middle of the song.

I roll a save versus alcohol.

2016-06-21, 09:22 PM
You drown.

I roll to attack the monster.

2016-06-22, 01:03 AM
You don't exactly miss with your sword; rather than hitting the monster, you now have a weapon stuck to your foot. Blade first.

The bard attempts to boost the group's morale in a boss fight.

2016-06-22, 08:47 AM
The bard's song about the enemy's overwhelming advantage and the party's childhood insecurities is pulled off brilliantly.

I roll to resist the temptation to claim the evil artifact for myself instead of destroying it.

Prince Zahn
2016-06-22, 09:09 AM
Just as you are tempted to do so, a little rascal who wants it more grabs it from you and falls with it into a volcano. Unlike a certain other little rascal, you jump inside after him..

I make a fly check!

Mister Tom
2016-06-22, 12:55 PM
It's undone. And you get stuck in the zipper, just before being ambushed. :smalltongue:

I roll to bluff my way into the citadel disguised as a merchant.

2016-06-22, 09:43 PM
Your bluff failed, but you made it in. You actually became a merchant.

I roll to polymorph into a dragon.

2016-06-24, 07:22 AM
You're now a dragon! Just a teeny tiny one handily encased in a glass globe with white fuzzy things floating around you all the time when your party member shakes it for their cruel amusement.

I roll to bandage an injured comrade!

2016-06-24, 07:46 AM
The knife's blade you used to cut the excess bandage off is now deep inside your group member's thigh.

I roll to locate the correct door amongst all others.

2016-06-24, 10:31 PM
You actually succeed! In a moment of perfect clarity, you come to the realization that all doors are one. Every door is the right one, and no door is the right one. You are one with the door. You have reached doorvana.

I roll a strength check carry my bride over the threshold.

Dire Moose
2016-06-25, 12:08 AM
You promptly drop her, trip over her, and throw your back out at the same time, sending both of you to the emergency room for what would have been the rest of your honeymoon.

I make a Knowledge (history) check to pass a test on the American Revolution.

2016-06-25, 02:09 AM
You learn all of Americas darkest secrets. You know too much to be allowed to live.

Roll to beat the dwarf in a drinking contest.

2016-06-25, 02:25 AM
Slightly drunk, you beat him to the ground - by punching him very, very hard. He punches you back with full force.

It's getting dark in a matter of minutes. Quick, we must light a campfire!

Scarlet Knight
2016-06-25, 08:12 AM
You are soon sitting around a comfy fire, but you can't shake the fact that you smell something burning ...sniff... like... hair...cloak...both?

You roll against your riding skill and mount the hippogriff...

2016-06-25, 12:44 PM
You stab the hippogriff and it dies, giving your family an eternal curse with your last breath.

I roll to persuade the guard to "remove these restraints and leave this cell with the door open."

2016-06-25, 02:48 PM
You use the force and knocked yourself out, by trowing the guard in your face.

i check for identify the red text on the wall were the elv wanished.

2016-06-25, 04:44 PM
You are scared to bits by your hallusionary vision.

Where's my cat? Gotta roll to find her.

2016-06-25, 09:28 PM
You find her all right...by tripping over her. She's none too pleased with you right now.

Rolling for will save to keep from zoning out completely during a long, boring lecture. (the kind given in classrooms, symposiums, etc.)

2016-06-26, 02:46 AM
You fall asleep. In fact, you fall into an eternal slumber and can only be awoken by true love's first kiss.

I roll to style my hair.

Dire Moose
2016-06-26, 04:23 AM
You realize that the best way to make it stand out is to light it on fire. Which you do!

I attempt to ride a horse.

2016-06-26, 01:48 PM
You stick one foot in the stirrup and attempt to swing your other leg over, but instead kick your horse in his dangly bits. He takes off at a full gallop, dragging you by one foot through a cow pasture.

I roll to keep from laughing as the Drill Instructor screams profanities and threats.

2016-06-26, 04:57 PM
You laugh so loudly the entire camp hears. Your punishment is too unspeakable to... Speak of.

Roll to ask out a Valkyrie.

Scarlet Knight
2016-06-26, 10:36 PM
She says "yes"; she was planning to pick you up friday night anyway...

You roll to resist the Jedi's mind tricks...

2016-06-26, 11:28 PM
Aaaaaaand I drop my weapon.

I make a saving throw vs. a sip of champagne.

Mister Tom
2016-06-27, 01:39 AM
It goes down the wrong way.
You desperately clamp your mouth shut to try to stave off a coughing fit but this just causes two streams of fizzing alcoholic mucus to propel themselves out of your nostrils and into the dwarven ambassador's beard.

Roll to decipher the faded runes.

2016-06-27, 10:46 AM
It is quite obvious that the depictions of stick figures falling into a myriad of deadly traps is simply graffiti, and not in any way a warning of dangers ahead.

Roll Perform to entertain the court.

2016-06-27, 12:44 PM
You manage to insult everyone present, alphabetically, with what you thought was an innocent song and dance routine.

Roll to try and cook stew for your party.

2016-06-27, 04:07 PM
People actually chip their teeth on the stew.

I roll to perform a marriage ceremony from memory.

2016-06-27, 08:38 PM
You execute a flawless funeral rite. Hey, the worst they can fault you for is being a few years too early, right?

I roll a Constitution check to survive camping in the heat for the next 6 days without sweating to death.

2016-06-28, 12:15 AM
You survive perfectly fine. Your party, on the other hand, drowned in your sweat. You are haunted by sweaty ghosts FOREVER.

Roll to intimidate the gatekeeper.

2016-06-28, 04:02 AM
The gatekeeper does think of you as an intimidating figure - in fact, in a very, very sexy way. You end up finding yourself stuck on a date with him all night... and it starts to feel like the gatekeeper is ready to propose. The party is snickering two tables away.

Reflex check to dodge a flock of seagulls - clearly after your meal!

2016-06-28, 11:38 AM
My instincts guide me unerringly to dive into an open sewer. My meal is saved from the seagulls and instead is consumed by rats.

I roll to avoid being disarmed by the enemy fighter.

2016-06-28, 12:19 PM
You get dis-armed. As in, you lose your weapon arm.

Roll to attack the gazebo!

Mister Tom
2016-06-28, 01:04 PM
You stumble over your own feet while charging and fall through the glass of the gazebo, with several shards puncturing your arteries.

You attempt to cement an alliance with the Orcish tribe by sampling the tribe's sacred mushroom.

2016-06-28, 02:40 PM
You sample their sacred Ghost Pepper instead. It still results in sweating, screaming, and hallucinations though, so the orcs accept it as good enough, and move on to the ritual genital tattoos.

I roll to the resist screaming in pain during the Orcish ritual of genital tattooing.

2016-06-28, 11:50 PM
Rumours of the legendary "Howling Banshee" persist in the next village over for hundreds of years.

I roll to grapple the Orc warrior in the wrestling pit.

2016-06-29, 01:37 AM
You cut your own arms off.
Both of them.

I roll for using an overdone pun.

2016-06-29, 07:58 AM
You actually kill your own father with a pun. ;)

I roll to compose a counter to the other board's insulting song.

2016-06-29, 09:26 AM
You heighten the effects of the insulting song, and make everyone kill you as a result.

I attempt to infiltrate the enemy base under cover of night!

2016-06-29, 09:51 AM
You yell at the top of your lungs, "I GOT A ONE!" Apprehension and/or death ensues.

Roll to disarm the overly complicated death trap.

Scarlet Knight
2016-06-29, 12:37 PM
"...and that's how I got the name 'Stumpy'!"

You roll vs charisma to seduce the mermaid....

Mister Tom
2016-06-29, 01:03 PM
You succeed, but she thinks you are a fish and promptly pulls you under the water for a quick spawn.

In retrospect, perhaps the scale mail was a mistake.

Roll to follow the tracks of the Orc war band.

2016-06-29, 03:51 PM
You end up finding an orc band - yeah, just a band. An orchestra, playing music that only orcs could find appealing. You loose your hearing abilities for the next 5 days.

I'm looking for my leopard - where can he be?

2016-06-29, 11:53 PM
You quickly find the inside of your leopard's digestive system.

Roll to cook dinner for your fellow adventurers.

2016-06-30, 06:07 AM
I don't know what sort of mushrooms those are but I'm sure they'd go great in the stew.

Roll to climb a tree.

Scarlet Knight
2016-06-30, 07:08 AM
You discover an Entwife! Now you are on trial for lascivious molestation...

You roll to convince the judge it was all a misunderstanding...

2016-06-30, 05:52 PM
Mooning him isn't helping. At all.

Sense motive against one of the king's concubines.

2016-06-30, 10:33 PM
She wants to polymorph: dragon.

I roll to polymorph: moon.

2016-07-01, 08:26 AM
You transform into a large butt.

I make a Intelligence check to strategize with the commander of the knighthood about our plan of action in the next battle.

2016-07-01, 09:26 AM
He seems less than impressed by your statement that "all this armor and weaponry is just holding us back," and you are hung as a traitor, spy, and saboteur.

I roll a survival check to flavor the stew with one fresh herbs from the surrounding forest.

Scarlet Knight
2016-07-01, 09:41 AM
Ooooh... now you understand why poison hemlock is also called fool's parsley!

You roll to stabilize your dinner guests.

Mister Tom
2016-07-01, 01:59 PM
... You try to do this using a tourniquet. Which you apply around the ranger's neck.

Roll to explain this one to the same judge as last time...

2016-07-01, 06:44 PM
You scream; "I killed him! I killed the dastard, and I'd do it again given half a chance!"

I roll for Survival: Swamp.

2016-07-01, 08:55 PM
You mistake a slime-filled gelatinous cube for a swamp. You are never heard from again.

I roll for stealing pies.

2016-07-01, 09:00 PM
You are butchered by an Orc in a 10x10 room.

I roll to use ingredients I had on hand that I know beforehand are not poisonous to make a delicious meal for the party.

Mister Tom
2016-07-02, 02:56 AM
One of the ingredients that was "on hand" turns out to be your prized ring of spell turning.

Roll to check the treasure chest for traps

2016-07-02, 08:09 AM
The chest opens its mouth and you are amazed by the amount of gold. It then proceeds to throw up all of the gold on top of you and the weight crushes you to death.

Rolling to catch a predator!

2016-07-02, 11:43 AM
Chris Hansen bursts through the wall like the Koolaid man and hogties you.

I roll to convince the judge that it was all just a third big misunderstanding.

2016-07-02, 04:01 PM
Was it something you said? The courtroom sits in silence, mouths agape.
Your sentence went from 5 years in prison to Death by Gelatinous Cube.

I'd like to make an attack roll against this ordinary house cat.
*rolls* Crud, natural 1.

2016-07-02, 11:14 PM
You successfully kill the housecat by cutting out your esophagus and using it as a garrote. Impressive use of an improvised weapon.

I roll for fortitude after losing a vital organ.

2016-07-02, 11:16 PM
Your sword misses the cat and hits the ground, right above a gas pocket. This causes a chain reaction which awakens the Tarrasque, which goes on a rampage. You miss this, however, as the housecat takes its next round to maul you to death.

NINJA'D: Congrats, you've just convinced yourself you aren't dying. Too bad your body thinks otherwise.

I roll to take a bite out of the properly cooked chicken before me.

Prince Zahn
2016-07-03, 12:23 PM
Your teeth turn to stone, it's what you get for eating undercooked cockatrice.

I roll numerous dice to run an RPG session.

2016-07-03, 01:11 PM
Every player, including the dog in the nearby room, all gang up on you. Take 20d20 of damage.

I roll to not get mauled by Cuddles the Death Cat.

2016-07-03, 09:18 PM
You don't need your skin, right?

Roll to summon a monster to smite my foes.

Dire Moose
2016-07-04, 12:02 AM
You summon a Blue Whale, 100 feet directly above your position.

I ask the king for his daughter's hand in marriage.

2016-07-04, 02:23 AM
Your eyes and mind become blurry from the stress, and the next you know, you're holding the king's severed hand in yours.

Will save against mind reading

Scarlet Knight
2016-07-04, 07:43 AM
The mind reader's eyes widen..."Tea cozy?....43 hours!...only one spoon...eek!"

You roll to avoid an STD....

2016-07-04, 08:24 AM
The mind reader's eyes widen..."Tea cozy?....43 hours!...only one spoon...eek!"

You roll to avoid an STD....

(Love the GG reference)

Unfortunately, the STD becomes an Animated Spell and consumes your genitalia.

Rolling my Demolitions...

2016-07-05, 10:32 AM
Your demolition results in several, if not many Will e. Coyote incidents. You now roll to see how painfully your demolition work hits you.

I make a roll to contact my fey patron for advice... on dresses.

2016-07-05, 12:44 PM
Instead of contacting the fay, you open the gates for Chzo. There is no escape. You're doomed.

Insight check against a Nigerian prince with a hefty amount of money to give away. It feels dodgy, but you never know.

Mister Tom
2016-07-05, 01:29 PM
He genuinely had a small amount of money to give away. Someone else gets rich.

Roll to jump the gap between buildings evading the Watch.

2016-07-05, 02:14 PM
You fall on top of a guard face first. When you get up, his friend is pointing a weapon at you.

Roll to shoot laser eyes at the Orc barbarian. (Burning gaze spell.)

2016-07-05, 07:28 PM
Your spell strikes unerringly, hitting the orc right in the eye! Of course, it's a glass eye due to his troubled past as an Eye of Gruumsh and subsequent reversal of his devotion to the Ever-Blinking One (don't ask), and your beam hits at juuuust the right angle to refract 180 degrees and sail right back to its point of origin, blasting you in the eye and zapping it! Plus side? Now you can sign up to be an Eye of Gruumsh!

I roll to finish this cheesecake.

Scarlet Knight
2016-07-05, 09:56 PM
It goes straight to your thighs; you lose charisma points.

You roll to see if you can disable the Batmobile but putting a potato in the exhaust...

Prince Zahn
2016-07-06, 03:37 AM
The batmobile starts and the potato shoots in your face, breaking your head open and exploding. At hindsight, Maybe it was a bad idea to genetically mix potatoes with trinitrotoluene.

I make a check to watch the sun set at the beach.

2016-07-06, 06:34 AM
That's not the sun. You find yourself in the enemy's interrogation room and the lamp is directed straight at your face. What on earth did you drink last night...?

Searching for traps on my way to the Holy Grail.

2016-07-06, 05:50 PM
Traps activate! You nimbly dodge your way through to the other side. Oops, you didn't need your arms, did you?

I roll to disbelieve that I got married and had a child (http://i.imgur.com/WlyocB0.jpg) while drunk.

2016-07-07, 06:57 AM
You believe it so hard that you renew your vows and have a second kid.

I roll a STR check to remove that damn jar lid.

2016-07-07, 09:28 AM
The jar explodes, sending glass directly into your eyes. And everywhere else.

Roll to make an enemy's head asplode with my miiiiinnnnnnd.

2016-07-07, 10:15 AM
You succeed! Kinda.
After all, you are your own worst enemy, right?

Reflex save to avoid the pie that clown is throwing at me.

2016-07-07, 10:29 AM
You do dodge the pie, but fall on top of the clown to a position that seems to be a romantic embrace. Lawsuit incoming.

Conjuring poisonous apple for a dark haired young lady.

Mister Tom
2016-07-07, 03:47 PM
It's poisonous - to the touch. Consequently The dark haired target in question is traumatised by finding the corpse of a dead apple seller on her doorstep, and you are arrested by the kingdom's newly minted democratic government for conspiracy to murde.

Roll to hurl the improvised melee weapon

2016-07-07, 05:25 PM
Your underhanded lob is right on target. Your opponent catches it and throws it back.

Roll to dodge the improvised weapon thrown at you.

2016-07-07, 10:04 PM
Your DM explains to you "that's not how armor class works", the other players giggle tauntingly.

I roll autohypnosis to avoid bleeding out.

2016-07-07, 10:55 PM
You put yourself in a winepress and squeeze all of your blood out.

I make a spot check.

2016-07-08, 12:12 AM
You go blind.

I roll to climb the tower.

2016-07-08, 07:44 AM
The rocks crumble and fall, but you make it to the top just fine. However, there is now a pile of large stones where your party once stood.

I roll to get a discount on an Amulet of Mighty Fists.

Mister Tom
2016-07-08, 12:45 PM
Talk to the hand!

Roll to evade pursuit in the marshland.

Black Socks
2016-07-08, 06:27 PM
Good news is, they didn't find you. Bad news is, something else did......:smalleek:
I roll to do a backflip.

2016-07-08, 09:51 PM
Your back flips, the rest of you does not.

Roll save against Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion

2016-07-09, 07:15 AM
You spontaneously learn the spell Evan's Stockholm Syndrome, causing you to not only regard the spiked tentacle of forced intrusion positively, but to rely on it in a psychologically unhealthy manner.

I roll a CHA check to get that dang refund.

2016-07-09, 08:00 AM
You try to bribe him to give you your money back. You fail, but only after you give the saleswoman ALL YOUR MONEY.

I roll to hit some random person with a scimitar-chuck.

Mister Tom
2016-07-09, 11:38 AM
You forget to let go and embed the scimitar in your foot.

Roll to mount the elephant.

2016-07-09, 04:06 PM
You apparently figured out the best way to mount it was from it's rear end. It's rectum opens up annnnnnnnnddddd it farts in your face. You now make a DC20 constitution check to not be subjected to blindness, incapacitated and humiliated.

Hmm... I better make a check to cook that giant frog's legs!

2016-07-09, 08:16 PM
You somehow reanimated the frog, and it ate the party healer.

Roll to vaporize the demon with my maaaaaaagic.

2016-07-10, 01:22 PM

actually heals the demon back to full health. Oh look! It's the firey pits of hell!

I roll to avoid being seduced.

Scarlet Knight
2016-07-10, 01:29 PM
Ooooh, you developed stockholm syndrome. Now you want to bring little tieflings into the world...

You roll to see if the King enjoyed your 4 & 20 blackbird pie...

Black Socks
2016-07-10, 02:06 PM
The king of birds is not amused.....

I roll to draw an accurate depiction of the person who robbed me for the police.

Mister Tom
2016-07-10, 02:56 PM
They are quick to thank you, saying they recognise the sketch, know in which tavern the reprobate has been seen in, and will apprehend him and his companions with overwhelming force.
Later that evening, your party have just retired to their room when the door bursts in...

Roll to plead your case against wasting watch time to the magistrate. Yep, her again.

2016-07-10, 04:54 PM
Persuasion checks can be done with my own blood, right?

Rocks fall, roll to see how long it takes for you to die.

2016-07-10, 07:20 PM
You swiftly roll out of the way. What? You mean you got killed by the first one?

I roll a d20 to decide where to pet the house cat.

Prince Zahn
2016-07-11, 04:43 AM
Long story short, you're gonna need stitches, and the cat's gonna need a proctologist.

I roll to do a barrel roll.

2016-07-11, 08:26 AM
You enter the barrel and it all seems to go smoothly until someone decides to push you into the Niagara Falls. No one knows if you're alive and as a matter of fact don't even care and leave.

Rolling to see if the drow is trying to hit on me.

2016-07-11, 12:55 PM
As you are strapped to the sacrificial altar of Lloth, it occurs to you that this date is getting less romantic with each passing minute.

I roll to resist attacking the party's bard while he "inspires" us with a rendition of "Friday."

2016-07-11, 03:44 PM
You learn how to cast Meteor Swarm. Also your party is dead.

I roll to stab my date on the altar - and you know you rolled a one on this because this is how dates become more romantic.

Black Socks
2016-07-11, 06:43 PM
You somehow drop to one knee, turn the knife into a ring and put it on their finger.

I roll to come up with a witty comeback.

2016-07-11, 09:54 PM
"You are great to be around!"

Roll to find someone willing to play D&D.

Scarlet Knight
2016-07-11, 10:17 PM
You struggle against your shackles and as the leather-clad beauty prepares her whip , you cry out " For pitys sake! D and D!"

You roll to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow...

2016-07-12, 07:34 AM
Nuclear explosion, everyone dies.

I roll saving throw vs. radiation.

2016-07-12, 08:55 AM
Everyone else runs to the bunkers, and last minute you decide it's a good idea to do a little radiation bathing - I mean, you'll probably end up a super hero! But as the others expected, you disintegrate to the gound.

The king wants you and your partner in crime to perform aerial acrobatics to save your heads. Roll agility!

2016-07-12, 10:04 AM
As our heads collide in the middle of a pair of backflips, it occurs to me that some coordination beforehand might have been in order.

I save a rolling throw vs confusion.

2016-07-12, 02:38 PM
You explode.

I make a check to figure out what this tart on the street is looking at me for...

2016-07-12, 02:48 PM
You awake the next morning minus your gold, your gear, and a kidney.

Time to see if you make the save against that Hideous Laughter spell...

Dire Moose
2016-07-14, 03:48 PM

I attempt to evade the TIE Fighters in an asteroid field.

2016-07-14, 04:48 PM
You escape and successfully land on the planet Alderan.

I perform a medicine check to preserve some dismembered fingers so they can be reattached.

2016-07-14, 05:55 PM
You cut off your fingers.

I roll to not be immortal.

2016-07-14, 06:25 PM
Frozen in a glacier is immortality, right?

I roll to resist a dragon's frightful presence.

Black Socks
2016-07-14, 07:45 PM
You are so scared that your hair turns white and you suffer a heart attack.

Persuasion check to convince the guard to let me talk to the king.

2016-07-14, 08:07 PM
You get mixed up and try to convince the guard you ARE the king. You are hung at sunset for an attempted coup.

I roll to craft a Bag of Holding.

2016-07-14, 08:18 PM
Success! The bag is almost finished - you just need to connect the physical bag to the nondimensional space.
Which would be easier if you weren't in said space...

I roll to infiltrate a library.

2016-07-14, 10:34 PM
Your parents will never recover.

I roll to find the Ent-Wives.

Mister Tom
2016-07-15, 01:47 AM
You succeed spectacularly, but the entwives mistake you for the guy from page 4 of the thread.

Roll to find a secret passage past the guards into the king's chamber.

2016-07-15, 02:39 AM
There indeed is a secret passage, but there's a lot of turns to take... instead of finding yourself in the king's chamber, you jump into the room of yet-to-be-cleaned chamber pots. You faint from the stench.

Our first fight is a tiny goblin? Well I'll show ya how attackings are supposed to go! *rolls*

2016-07-15, 07:42 PM
There indeed is a secret passage, but there's a lot of turns to take... instead of finding yourself in the king's chamber, you jump into the room of yet-to-be-cleaned chamber pots. You faint from the stench.

Our first fight is a tiny goblin? Well I'll show ya how attackings are supposed to go! *rolls*

You showed the goblin how it was done. Literally. He learned quickly and used his newfound skills to defeat you with ease.

I cast disguise self to look like Sting, walk on stage and roll a perform check!

2016-07-15, 08:55 PM
The crowd is trying to figure out why there's a small sword on stage - and the GM wants to know how you broke Disguise Self - but you succeeded! Congratulations!

I roll to sunder the villain's mustache.

2016-07-16, 09:40 AM
You invent a cream that instantly cures baldness.

I roll to mount the hippo.

2016-07-16, 10:25 AM
Though you'd paid a hefty sum for your riding hippo you must say, it looks excellent above your fireplace.

Roll acrobatics to stay onboard the stormwracked ship.

Dire Moose
2016-07-16, 01:20 PM
You land perfectly in the shark's mouth.

I attempt to climb Mount Everest.

2016-07-16, 03:06 PM
Congratulations on being only the third person to the Challenger Deep!!

I roll profession (construction) to build my dream house.

2016-07-17, 03:08 PM
You build a nightmare house.

Roll to launch a space core into space.

2016-07-17, 07:30 PM
The giant hits you into space.

Roll to succumb to gravity.

2016-07-17, 11:39 PM
And now you're free, free-fallin'. Except, you know, in reverse.

Got to make sure you read this necromantic scroll juuuust right, and I do mean every single syllable.

Mister Tom
2016-07-19, 01:40 AM
And now you're free, free-fallin'. Except, you know, in reverse.

Got to make sure you read this necromantic scroll juuuust right, and I do mean every single syllable.

...and that's how I ended up riding into battle on a skeletal armadillo.

A rich NPC is allergic to bee stings- Roll to research a new magic item to protect from them.

Prince Zahn
2016-07-19, 02:31 AM
After a long and difficult research, you found that the solution involves a secret mixture of lilacs, sugar canes, and lots of honey. Everything went well, until the barbarian tossed a bee hive at the rich NPC to test it out. The result wasn't pretty.

I roll medicine (or nature) find and make a nearby remedy quickly, before the rich NPC dies.

Dire Moose
2016-07-19, 02:20 PM
You treat the wounds with this ivy you found that grows clusters of three shiny leaves. You're pretty sure all that screaming in pain is normal for this type of healing.

I try to juggle running chainsaws while riding an elephant.

2016-07-19, 05:33 PM
You failed your animal handling check. Let's just say the media is putting you up as a villain who forced this elephant into being mounted and payed dearly for following your vile orders to ride in a dangerous condition.

I noticed some strange hieroglyphics on the wall, and a ancient wall painting... time to make a history check on what it is!

2016-07-19, 05:46 PM
"Here, take this slab. Returning it is unnecessary."

Roll to stab the goat-woman-wizard.

Grand Arbiter
2016-07-19, 06:46 PM
As your blade whooshes through thin air, a ram charges you from behind with enough momentum that you make escape velocity.

Roll to bake a cake.

2016-07-19, 08:24 PM
You have your cake and it eats you too!

I roll to roll a 20.

Prince Zahn
2016-07-20, 04:15 AM
You get toppled over and collapse under it's weight, getting your insides smashed. I'd advise against trying to roll anything that weighs 20 tons without heavy machinery intended to do so.

I roll to eat my ice cream.

2016-07-20, 09:04 AM
You remember that the ice cream is definitely in your left hand, and not in the right where you're holding a bag of nails you bought just 10 minutes before. Oops, it was the wrong way round. That's a thousand nails in your throat. Doesn't feel too good, does it?

Rolling for my improvised maid of honour's speech at my sister's wedding.

2016-07-20, 12:38 PM
There was so much slander in it that they don't get married after all. And now you are next for your marriage when you try finding that right guy.

I roll to arm wrestle!

2016-07-20, 12:49 PM
Despite his age, Sylvester Stallone still goes over the top and beats you so bad your arm is nearly broken.

I roll to break you.

5a Violista
2016-07-20, 12:51 PM
You goof it up so badly that you accidentally end up breaking their femurs. Everyone starts to wonder whether you actually even know the rules to arm-wrestling. Plus, y'know, their femurs are now broken, and they expect you to help them get around in daily life until they start healing well enough.
As you try to break me, you end up failing to notice that this is not, in fact, a wrestling ring. So your intent goes completely misinterpreted as you lift me up over your head. At this point, your arms give out and your shoulders dislocate which is rather unfortunate because people generally need shoulders to break people. I fall on your chest, causing your lungs to completely lose all their air as they're compressed. Thinking that you were just trying to lift me up and throw me up onto the higher ledge, I profusely apologize for weighing more than you can lift. You start to feel guilty, because honestly I don't weigh all that much, and you start wondering if I was really just making fun of your arms and strength, which is a pretty low blow especially right now that your shoulders are dislocated. Because all your air is already exhaled, you're unable to make any followup questions immediately afterwards which is a problem largely because I run off due to being late for something. You're left confused, wondering whether you should be offended or not.

So, somehow, I end up in Georgia looking for a soul to steal. For whatever reason, I'm in a bind because I'm way behind and willing to make a deal. At this point, I come across a young man on his fiddle, so I try to make a deal. . . .

2016-07-20, 08:15 PM
You sell him your soul in exchange for a single song. Let's see if it's worth it.

I roll to play a good song on the fiddle.

2016-07-21, 12:38 AM
You snap a string and it hits you in the eye.

I roll to perform emergency opthamological surgery with improvised tools.

Mister Tom
2016-07-21, 01:40 AM
The knife you use, while sharp, had just been used to chop habaneros.

Roll to plead your case in the subsequent lawsuit.

2016-07-21, 02:03 AM
You end up losing your case and serve life time in the prison for Truly Tragic & Creepy Clowns as there were no other jails available at the mean time.

Rolling for never giving you up, letting you down, running around and deserting you.

Edit @v
I've never had this much fun with rickrolling:smalltongue:

Prince Zahn
2016-07-21, 05:06 AM
You end up making me cry, and I say goodbye, because you told me lies and hurt me...

I roll to use the fork.

2016-07-21, 09:12 AM
You accidentally use the spoon. The fork is nowhere to be seen, but is later found in your lungs during the autopsy.

I roll to punch my computer monitor after the fourth Deathclaw 1HKO in an hour.

2016-07-21, 05:21 PM
A deathclaw comes out of the screen and kills you.

Roll to cast my magic lightning trap.

2016-07-21, 06:41 PM
You successfully zap the nearest dragon and enrage him.

I roll for Animal Husbandry.

2016-07-21, 11:39 PM
Thank for your sharing! :smallfrown::smallyuk::smallbiggrin::smallsmile:

2016-07-22, 09:41 PM
You fail. Turns out the Material Plane has laws against gay marriage AND bestiality. Who knew that it'd be so hard to wed a dolphin?

I attempt to go back to sleep.

Dire Moose
2016-07-24, 02:55 AM
You end up drinking the most powerful energy drink in existence by mistake and are up for a whole week.

I attempt to pickpocket the keys from the guard outside my cell.

2016-07-24, 05:14 AM
You get your arm stuck in between the bars and your attempts to free your arm alert the guard.

I sit down at the tavern.

2016-07-24, 10:40 AM
Your chair breaks into pieces, and the entire tavern laughs at you.

Roll to kill Diablo.

Black Socks
2016-07-24, 11:27 AM
You disintegrate on the spot.

Roll to bake a tasty cake.

2016-07-24, 12:07 PM
you succeed! The cake is delicious... wait what's this taste? Arsenic? CYANIDE-LACED arsenic? Oh no! You die.

I roll to install Windows 10 on my laptop.

2016-07-24, 01:43 PM
You install Windows 8.

I make a dex roll to flip a coin.

2016-07-24, 08:14 PM
The coin gets lodged in your ear.

I roll to shoot an arrow.

5a Violista
2016-07-25, 01:53 AM
Because you rolled a 1, your shotgun missed the arrow. Robin Hood's arrow hit the bulls-eye because you missed. He goes on to win the hand of Maid Marian, and you are left dumbfounded because you didn't even know shotguns were in this setting...and somehow you failed so hard you got one?

I roll to escape the dungeon I've been cast in after an assassination.

2016-07-25, 02:04 PM
You leave the dungeon. Wait what? You're in another dungeon! Fifty years of breakouts later, you finally realize that the exit to the dungeon is a portal back into your cell. Oh well, at least you can stumble out and see the light one last time before you bleed to death from a nasty scrape. Wait. You forgot to disable the portal! Welcome back to your cell :(

I roll to not get a 1 on the roll of a d20.

2016-07-25, 02:56 PM
All of your D20s are repainted so that you can only roll ones.

I roll to roll a one.

2016-07-25, 07:35 PM
The die bounces twice before living up to its name; it imbeds itself in your brain.

I make a Fortitude save against centipede poison.

Black Socks
2016-07-25, 07:41 PM
Your blood is replaced with centipede poison, this kills you in 3.46 seconds.

I roll to come up with a good idea for a new Message Board Game.

2016-07-25, 10:31 PM
You invent a game based around not posting on a thread. Good job, now everyone is playing your game. The thread has zero replies, but still.

I roll a die intending to die.

2016-07-26, 07:28 AM
You fail.

I roll to fail.

2016-07-27, 02:55 AM

I roll to convince a non-believer that 20-sided dice exist.

(by rolling one)

2016-07-27, 08:17 AM
You manage to erase the whole existance of all dice.

I roll to summon Bahamut!

2016-07-27, 11:42 AM
You botch up the summon and call forth a Chocobo instead.

I roll to listen around for hot news in town...

Mister Tom
2016-07-27, 01:04 PM
Apparently Mike Rotch has gone missing.

Roll to assist the alchemist with his experiment.

2016-07-27, 03:31 PM
I actually worked for an alchemist before I became a lawyer.
Don't remember why I quit...
Oh, right. She stopped paying me.
Because she was dead.
Because I killed her.
In her sleep.
By pouring dangerous, experimental potions on her.

I roll to get my last paycheck.

Grand Arbiter
2016-07-29, 06:26 AM
Your now former employer acquires all the money you had in your bank accounts.

I roll initiative.

2016-07-29, 06:49 AM
You now have so little initiative you must be instructed to do *anything* and even then it is plagiarised

I roll detect evil

2016-07-29, 07:38 AM
You accidentally Detect Beagle, and misidentify and kill the party ranger's pet beagle. You monster.

I roll to remove an arrow from Shrek's butt.

2016-07-29, 10:55 AM
You manage to shove it even deeper, and the pliers you tried to remove them with are also going down that wound.

Rolling to avoid creeps at a con...

2016-07-29, 12:12 PM
But the creep was you the whole time.

I roll to not kill my enemies.

2016-07-29, 02:23 PM
You are blown up by a creeper.

Oh look, another ninja.

You somehow kill the entire population of the planet.

Roll to pincushion the raging barbarian with arrows.

Grand Arbiter
2016-07-29, 02:57 PM
You now resemble a porcupine that has been cleaved in two.

I roll create a new character.

2016-07-29, 04:46 PM
Your attempts are so pathetic that the GM decides to make the character for you. You are now a desperate Orc seductress with a charisma of -10.

Rolling to ambush the Royal Carriage!

Black Socks
2016-07-29, 05:10 PM
You trip, throw down your weapons, kneel at the king's feet and announce your eternal allegiance. The king than puts you in a gladiatorial match against a hungry owlbear 'cause he's bored. Guess who comes out alive. (Hint: it's not you.)

I roll to shoot an apple off someone's head.

2016-07-29, 08:48 PM
You shoot the head off someone's apple.

I roll to do a barrel roll.

2016-07-30, 12:06 AM
You turn into a barrel and roll.

I roll to polymorph: drowlbear.

Dire Moose
2016-07-30, 02:43 AM
You polymorph yourself into an owl with little teddy bear arms and a drow's head.

I attempt to slay a dragon.

2016-07-30, 03:11 PM
a dragon slays you.

I roll to open a new tab.

2016-07-31, 09:02 AM
Since you didn't specify who the tab was for, all your friends order drinks on that same tab, and what you owe spirals quickly into the thousands.

I roll to get upvotes.

2016-08-01, 05:40 AM
Congratulations, you just caused an entire thread to die a premature death.

I roll for it to be Friday already

Mister Tom
2016-08-01, 06:38 AM
It's now Friday, but you have to work the weekend because nobody got anything done Tuesday through Thursday.

Roll to retrieve your keys from down the back of the sofa.

2016-08-01, 10:12 AM
You "retrieve" a venomous snake. By retrieve, I mean you find it when it bites you.

I roll to read email.

Black Socks
2016-08-01, 03:12 PM
You compose a nice response... but then hit the 'reply all' button and cause a reply-allpocalypse.

I roll to do a radical skateboard trick.

2016-08-01, 03:20 PM
You erase Back to the Future from existence.

I roll to use a hoverboard over water.