Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition V: How dead is that corpse?

[ZeroGear]

Prior Threads Here (1) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?280469-Campaign-Quotes-NO-CONTEXT-EDITION!), Here (2) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?350188-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-II-We-all-want-to-be-the-Majestic-12), Here (3) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?409318-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-III-Now-with-50-more-DigoDragon), and Here (4) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?464897-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-IV-Just-what-Doc-Ordered)

Interesting things happen when your players start alternating gaming night and movie night.

Samson: "This looks like a good place for camp."
Lance: "I don't know. I feel like we're being watched, like something's just waiting on us to fall asleep so it can pounce."
Samson: "Relax, it's just you're imagination."
[Later, after being ambushed and tied to steaks by a goblin tribe]
Lance: "This is my imagination?"

Terra: "Ugh. What do they want?"
Samson: "Hey, Lance, you can understand them, why don't you ask them?"
Lance: "Hey, you! With the skull!"
Samson: "...in their language..."
Lance: "Oh, right." *phrases question in goblin*
Random Goblin Guard: *Says something in goblin*
Samson: "So?"
Lance: "Yeah, they want to eat us."

Goblin Chef over by stew pot: *singing unintelligibly* "Bork! Bork! Bork!"
Lance: "They have a swedish chef. We're doomed."

DM: The goblins guarding you step aside and an elderly goblin walks up to you. She's decked out in ritualistic attire, carrying a skull-topped staff, and is laden with several pieces of jewelry. She paces in font of you, looking each of you up and down, before turning to the crowd that's gathered in front of you, making a proclamation.
Samson: "Lance, what's she saying?"
Lance: *looks at notecard that was just handed to him* "She says, 'Two of these have been tainted. The red one and the green one carry the scent of demons and must be offered to Shala-Toh to preserve the purity of the village'."
Vick: "Shala-To? I think that's the name of a monstrous water god."
Xaltaer: "I wonder who they mean with 'the red and the green one'?"
Terra: *looks at Vick and Xaltaer* "Gee, I wonder."
Vick: "I'm more interested in what they mean with 'offered to Shala-Toh'."
DM: As if on cue, several goblins make their way towards Vick and Xaltaer, cutting them off their steaks only to tie them to a different one, each person facing the opposite way. Marching to the beat of a pounding drum, they carry the two of you to the nearby river and toss the log in.
Xaltaer: "You just had to ask, didn't you?"
DM: As you float down the stream, you hear a faint rumbling in the distance. *Flips coin* Vick, you can see the source further down stream."
Vick: "Uh oh."
Xaltaer: "Let me guess: We're about to go over a huge waterfall?"
Vick: "Yup."
Xaltaer: "Sharp rocks at the bottom?"
Vick: "Most likely."
Xaltaer: "...Bring it on!"
[Beat]
Xaltaer: "Boyahahahahaha!"

Xaltaer: "Well this is just perfect."
Vick: "Hey! We survived, it's not that bad."
Xaltaer: "We're lost in the jungle, far away from our friends, who are being prepared for dinner by a horde of savage goblins, and we have no idea where to find them? How is this not bad?"
Vick: "Well, it could be..."
Xaltaer: "Don't. Say. It."

Vick: "Hey Xaltaer! I found a guide!"
Xaltaer: "Vick, we're in the middle of the jungle with no one around for miles. How could you have found a guide?"
Vick: "I just asked around. Isn't that right little guy?"
Squirrel: *Squeaky rodent noises*
Vick: "No no, it's not you. He's always like that."
Xaltaer: "...are you talking to that squirrel?"
Vick: "Something I learned as an acolyte. Had to master all of the natural languages." *turns to squirrel* "Please continue."

Terra: "I can't believe that happened."
Xaltaer: "We saved you, didn't we?"
Samson: "You flew in, hurling balls of fire, riding a flying bear, who had flaming claws, spreading chaos and mayhem and cackling like a lunatic as you burned the village to the ground. And you call that a rescue?"
Xaltaer: "Best kind of rescue."

[goto124]

Samson: "Relax, it's just you're imagination."
[Later, after being ambushed and tied to steaks by a goblin tribe]
Lance: "This is my imagination?"

DM: As if on cue, several goblins make their way towards Vick and Xaltaer, cutting them off their steaks only to tie them to a different one, each person facing the opposite way.

But why steaks?


Vick: "Hey Xaltaer! I found a guide!"
Xaltaer: "Vick, we're in the middle of the jungle with no one around for miles. How could you have found a guide?"
Vick: "I just asked around. Isn't that right little guy?"
Squirrel: *Squeaky rodent noises*
Vick: "No no, it's not you. He's always like that."
Xaltaer: "...are you talking to that squirrel?"
Vick: "Something I learned as an acolyte. Had to master all of the natural languages." *turns to squirrel* "Please continue."

Best Disney princess.

[DigoDragon]

Now it's my turn to give you a cookie! *gives cookie*

NOM NOM NOM :q


DM: “So many games, but my free time measured in Planck.”

DM: “There is a sudden loud 'bang!' of wood splintering from the main entrance. The front door, which is reinforced with iron slats, has been forcefully kicked open. The runes that normally protect the entry way do not activate, and three cloaked figures enter.”
Spirit: “I've watched too much of Jojo's Bizarre Adventures this week. I cannot help but think this (https://youtu.be/VoOW1Vvl2oU?t=5s).”
Midnight: “Ha! That's exactly how I'm picturing this scene, now.”

Beryl: “If we make it out of this, Spirit is so getting kicked in the shin in the most childish of manners.”

[Asmodean_]

Vergil: Gun? What gun? (slowly and unsubtly shifts around so the large contraption on his back that powers the gun is slightly obscured by his body) What is this gun you keep talking about? (shrugs, forgetting he is holding the gun in his hand)
Guard: (points to gun)
Vergil: Oh that? That's... a... prop for a... stage show... about... guns.
Guard: ...

Natural 1 on my bluff check.

[Belac93]

I love the new thread name.

Revanent Warlock: "Alright, I can kill it!"
30 seconds later
Revanent Warlock: "Alright, I can kill it this time!"
30 seconds later
Revanent Warlock: "Alright, I can kill it this time!"
30 seconds later
Revanent Warlock: "Alright, I can kill it this time!"
DM: "Hey, you know you can cast spells, right?"
Revanent Warlock: "Yeah, but I like being wolverine."

While shopping:
Ranger: "Anything you kids think you need?"
All the children: "Can we have some weapons?" "Can I have a sword!?"
Monk: "I say give them a swords! let kids do what they want!" (ooc)"Wow I would be a terrible father"
Ranger: 'Shrugs', "Weapons it is then!"

[Laserlight]

The party recently rescued the barbarian's NPC wife, who's tagging along with them.

Local god, to Colette: "You have taken the crown, but you have only these four followers? You cannot be a queen without a populace."
Colette, to the barbarian and wife: "You two, get busy."

[Rater202]

Tracking Post.

Rainbow: Are you opposed to burning the "tumor" to the ground? Because with me, that's likely to happen one way or the other."

[WrittenInBlood]

Thread title reminded me of one.

Player: "I'm going in the opposite direction to that from which it appears that the corpse came."

[digiman619]

Rainbow: Are you opposed to burning the "tumor" to the ground? Because with me, that's likely to happen one way or the other."

Ah, "Harry Dresden Syndrome"...

[OctoberRaven]

From the previous thread:

"I did give you the leftovers of that cup."

"Yes, and the tea will dry up before I can do anything with it. I mean, what do you expect me to do with it? Legend Lore won't work, there's no magic to it seeing as it was used in an antimagic field, even if I knew Gentle Repose it doesn't work on tea. What am I supposed to do? Cast Summon Crime Lab?"

(As a side note, there's no divine casters in this party, so nobody can detect poison)

Also:

"Couldn't you have Febreezed that thing?! Ugh god, now I'm never working on Walking Dead ever again..."

[SirBellias]

Last session:

DM: Behind you, you hear the voice of your rival, and someone taps you on the shoulder. She's standing behind you, smirking in the glow of the lamps.
Player (Aimon): Now, I'm pretty sure Aust would know to step in and pull me away before things get too... hectic.
Aust: Naw, you kidding? I haven't seen a good show in years!


DM: Alright, Gredith, the Basilisk lunges at you.
Gredith: Don't hit, don't hit...
DM: ...19... for 8 damage.
Gredith: Welp, I've been killed in one hit.
Player (Zed & Aimon): Join the club.

DM: Hey guys, I changed the Death Rules again!
Everyone else: No!!!
DM: So, what's going to happen to you, Gredith? I don't really know that much about your character, but Hel is always looking for more followers.
Gredith: No, thanks.
DM: Really? You want something worse?

Gredith: Guys, my toes are stone!
Aimon: Well, it's better than missing an arm.
Zed: Or having half of your face ripped off and press-ganged into the clergy of Hel.
Aust: On a side note, I can turn into animals now!
DM: Your time will come...

[goto124]

Gredith: Welp, I've been killed in one hit.
Player (Zed & Aimon): Join the club.

DM: Hey guys, I changed the Death Rules again!
Everyone else: No!!!

This is an interesting DM :smallbiggrin:

[SirBellias]

This is an interesting DM :smallbiggrin:

Yeah... It's definitely the most fun I've had in a while.


He doesn't technically like killing off characters, he just like ruining their lives in interesting ways (so he says). His first edit to the death rules are as follows (5th edition):
1) If you get dropped to 0 or fewer hit points, you die.
....
Then, when Zed died in one hit (Direwolf attack THE FIRST NIGHT WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING, of course), he decided that he would let him live if he willingly decided to serve the goddess of the underworld. After that, the rule changed to:
1) If you get dropped to 0 or fewer hit points, you may either:
A) Die,
B) Roll a die, on an 11 or higher, you are stable, on a 10 or lower, you are dead.
C) Let me screw up your character in an amusing fashion. They are now stable.
And so it came to be that Aust's cousin Aimon decided he did very much indeed fear death, and so he lost an arm.

HE PLAYED THE VIOL HIS ENTIRE LIFE. :smalltongue:

Now, right before the "Death" of the third character in as many sessions, he has decided to revise his rule to be less... deadly.
1) If you get dropped to 0 or fewer hit points, you may either:
A) Die,
B) Roll a die, on an 11 or higher, you start normal death saving throws, on a 10 or lower, you are dead unless you let me screw with your character.
And that is how Gredith the halfling rogue started to petrify... from the feet up.
I can't wait for my turn. :smallbiggrin:

[Illven]

Evil campaign quotes

Chris (GM): (OOC) pssh I make the rules
Nicky: (OOC) [where's my house?

Chris (GM)it's actually to move at all
if you pass you can move half your speed
Michel: (OOC) (that's some insane sand, then)

Nicky (OOC) [we're bluffing about this?
[I mean, I literally just murdered a prisoner, so... Clearly Nicky's okay with feeding the other one to something else

Nicky (OOC) [So I have a 30% chance of moving?
[Vichy actually can't move

Shiela "are you sure its a he?"
"did you cop a feel?"
Michel "Honestly, I don't care."
"You put way more thought into that stuff than I do."
Nicky "To be fair, you were the one flirting with the daughter of that family that tried to kill us"

Michel (OOC) (Maybe because he's....Bat Dragon!)

Nicky (OOC) [Because Blue dragon's don't get it naturally. Because I literally ran a game about fighting dragons. You remember? You were in it?
Large is 2d6 I think ]

Michel (OOC) (it's ok, Silver. ignore Shiela, like we all do)

Shiela (OOC) (remember kids a smart man know when its time to RUN LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!)

Nicky "Maybe we should take it alive, so we can.... "ask" it where it's treasure is."
Michel "You think it'd tell us?"
Nicky "Eventually"
Shiela "i like the idea of torturing a dragon!"

Michel: (OOC) unless shiela drops it now
Michel: (OOC) then stun remains useless

Michel: "Yes. And prior I outran a camel. And before that I somersaulted 10 ft in the air across narrow beams."
Michel: "I really don't know why you didn't surrender sooner, you're clearly out of your league."
Hunne: "What are you?"
Michel: "A business man."
Shiela "Michel OP PLZ NERF"

Nicky "Now someone needs to get me to the trail. And bring along the unconscious dragon, torture, kill, reanimate"

Nicky: (OOC) I'm not a torturer by trade...... So....
Michel: (OOC) (the evil party's so squeamish, lol)

Shiela: (OOC) **** Vichy
Vichy: (OOC) -Returns-

[Eisirt]

But why steaks?



Best Disney princess.

I want to be tied to a steak too!

[D.KnightSpider]

I mean c'mon! You need to ride it like a bucking bronco! Bonus points if you get the reference.

Sadly, I had to go look that one up. However, now that I have, I'll file it for future use.


If the warhead sits on top of a rocket engine then it automatically qualifies for rocket science. :smallbiggrin:

Unless you're desperately trying to convince the GM to lower the difficulty check. Heh.
---

Ray: I'm retroactively putting this on my bucket list.
---

3G: I must admit to being slightly confused. What happens when we hit the meteor?
Ray: To be honest? Haven't a clue. Nobody's ever tried to pile this many paradoxes on top of each other before. The way I look at it, there's a fifty-fifty chance that we'll either fix everything or wind up our own grandparents.
---

Ray: Welp. It's now or never. *whips around and punches Lisa in the face*
Lisa: *stumbles back and transforms into Venom!Thing*
Ray: So totally saw that one coming.
---

3G: Do all humans require violence to prompt the proper release of bodily fluids or is that trait unique to you?
---

Ray: You know, this probably would have been a tremendously thematic battle if I hadn't dropped the whole Corey-Amnesia-Angle.
GM: Ya think?
---

GM: Your distraction was so distracting that you distracted the ambush.
---

Ray: Nuh uh, nope. Since we're going to be gone with the blastwave in a few minutes, it's more like extremely temporary deafness.
---

GM: Congrats. You've successfully given reality a hangover. Unfortunately, reality is about to wretch and you're sitting in her stomach.
Ray: It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.

[DigoDragon]

Vergil: Oh that? That's... a... prop for a... stage show... about... guns.
Guard: ...

*Snerk* Well, have fun explaining to the judge. XD


DM: "Hey, you know you can cast spells, right?"
Revanent Warlock: "Yeah, but I like being wolverine."

I had a fellow player like that. Made a really good wizard. Never would cast a spell if stabbing was an option.


Michel: "A business man."
Shiela "Michel OP PLZ NERF"

Heh, a businessman? Wow, really optimized. ^^


I want to be tied to a steak too!

Mmm... steak.


Unless you're desperately trying to convince the GM to lower the difficulty check. Heh.

Okay, maybe then. But at least that kind of failure will still be spectacular.

[IntelectPaladin]

DM:"The last kobold stands there, waiting to be struck down."
Me: "I take him prisoner. I still have that rope, I think."
DM: "yes. And as your checking your rope supply, the kobold makes a run for it."
Me: "I do a flying tackle onto the kobold."
Dm&Everyone else: "What?"
DM: "In full plate?"
Me:"Nat twenty. "

(And so a theme began...)
DM:"The guard has seen you, and is about to sound the alarm."
Me" I do a flying tackle."

DM:"(Evil player) has unlocked the artifact, and is about to teleport away."
Me: "I do another Flying tackle."

DM:"(the necromancer) is getting away on his horse, riding past you. The usual?
Me: "Why yes, thank you."

[StreamOfTheSky]

Heh, a businessman? Wow, really optimized. ^^

Not just a business man. A single-classed Monk business man! Even more OP than you thought! :smallbiggrin:

[GPuzzle]

I'm back! With campaign quotes! Probably most don't know me, but what can I do. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Vladim: "I'LL FIGHT ANYONE IN THIS TAVERN! AND YOU CAN BET ON THE FIGHT!"
Eilowyn: "Oh, great, Faerun Wrestling Entertainment. Just what we needed."

DM: "What does the Sanctuary look like?"
Hael: "Ever played Bastion? Imagine The Bastion, but more rustic."
Eilowyn and DM: "Wait, more rustic?"

Vladim: "This is getting too intellectual for me, I'll go drink some vodka."
Malthazar: "Hael, my apprentice... Take this, become one with nature and go help Eilowyn."
DM: "The Earth Essence is absorved through Hael's skin, melding with him as green runes shine through his flesh. He is engulfed in a green vortex before reappearing as an animal - which?"
Hael: "Right, I appear as a cheetah, but with dark fur and green spots, and when I step on the ground this green energy is visible through my feet."
Vladim: "I stop drinking the vodka that I'm drinking, scratch my eyes, put the bottle down and pick up something stronger."

Eilowyn: "You do have to start remembering I'm a girl."

[DigoDragon]

DM:"(the necromancer) is getting away on his horse, riding past you. The usual?
Me: "Why yes, thank you."

LOL, great running gag. :D


Not just a business man. A single-classed Monk business man! Even more OP than you thought! :smallbiggrin:

*Gasp!!*


Vladim: "I stop drinking the vodka that I'm drinking, scratch my eyes, put the bottle down and pick up something stronger."

Seems like a legitimate response. XD

Spirit: “Oh, wait. Forgot to roll Spirit's hide check in his spider form.”
Die Roll: *Nat 1*

BBEG: "Let me get this straight-- they defeated three of you, with a pink pony?"
Minion: "And then she used friendship on us, and it hurt!"

DM: “The Order of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is essentially Hell's Angels as Paladins.”
Frostbite: “I wonder (https://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/5/59/Balloonicorn.png/250px-Balloonicorn.png?t=20120629021107)...”

DM: “However, the seventh ruler was known by the commoners as the ‘Sword of Virgin Bane’. Should be obvious what that nickname entails…”

Ace: “It's a bible for the order of the Invisible Pink Unicorn.”
Frostbite: “...Invisible Pink Unicorn? If they're invisible, how do you tell what color they are?”

[goto124]

DM: “The Order of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is essentially Hell's Angels as Paladins.”
Frostbite: “I wonder (https://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/5/59/Balloonicorn.png/250px-Balloonicorn.png?t=20120629021107)...”

Speaking of which, in the Things I May No Longer Do thread, I suggested a crossover between MLP (https://derpicdn.net/img/2016/5/29/1165660/full.png) and the more recent MMO FPS with Pretty Girls (http://puu.sh/pzpjE/3522e30e72.jpg)...

[AshfireMage]

"Just because it's a blood plant, that doesn't mean it knows sign language."

[ooc] "Can I riverdance in fear?"

[Necroticplague]

Gene: Well, we knew everything except which god we had to seal. So I took a chance and just picked one of the two it could be. 50-50 isn't to bad.
Bruta: It's horrible odds when messing up could doom the whole world!

DM: Well, everyone sans one made it out with intact bodies but warped minds. The remainder made it out with an intact mind, but a warped, mutilated form. I'm not sure which is more horrific.

Gene: Turns out, while you complained about my excessive amount of firearms, it turned out to be just enough to keep the Ancient One at bay. Score three for me!

Nesdu: Hold let me check.....yep, these are my a** kicking boots, we're good.

Nesdu: We need to hold them off! Think about steak really hard while I cast!
*begins playing final countdown on a kazoo*

[Beacon of Chaos]

GM: You are sitting in the dining car, having your dinner.
Edward: Should we really be here? We're tailing [the bad guy], surely he's bound to come into the public carriage.
GM: At this point, he enters the carriage and sits down at your table.
Edward: Of course he does.


Josephine: I'm just gonna punch the guy. *rolls a quadruple crit*
GM: Yeah, you just punched him straight through the wall of the train. There is no more wall.

In this system, rolling a 10 on a d10 is a crit. You then roll again, and another 10 is another crit. That was four crits in a row. With Josephine's super strength, we didn't need to roll for damage. :smallamused:



3G: Do all humans require violence to prompt the proper release of bodily fluids or is that trait unique to you?[B]
Ew.


Speaking of which, in the Things I May No Longer Do thread, I suggested a crossover between MLP (https://derpicdn.net/img/2016/5/29/1165660/full.png) and the more recent MMO FPS with Pretty Girls (http://puu.sh/pzpjE/3522e30e72.jpg)...
Well why not? MLP is inherently crossoverable.

[ShadowFighter15]

Speaking of which, in the Things I May No Longer Do thread, I suggested a crossover between MLP (https://derpicdn.net/img/2016/5/29/1165660/full.png) and the more recent MMO FPS with Pretty Girls (http://puu.sh/pzpjE/3522e30e72.jpg)...

Sorry to be nitpicky, but that game's about as much of an MMO as Unreal Tournament. Sorry, but there's enough people mistaking it for a MOBA that we don't need to add any more fuel to that fire.

And now, something on-topic:

Paladin: "You wouldn't believe how many times I've told someone that I worship Lymnieris (http://pathfinderwiki.com/wiki/Lymnieris) and they reply with 'I'm so sorry, I didn't realise that was the arrangement' before digging out their wallets."

Bonus points for those who catch the reference.

[DigoDragon]

I suggested a crossover between MLP (https://derpicdn.net/img/2016/5/29/1165660/full.png)

She looks so adorable as a pink pony!


Josephine: I'm just gonna punch the guy. *rolls a quadruple crit*
GM: Yeah, you just punched him straight through the wall of the train. There is no more wall.

Ouch! Nice roll. :D


Ace: “I'll keep Ivy company here, in case the Brotherhood or Master Librarian comes back.”
Ivy: “Really? I mean, I don't want to keep you from your grand adventure. Triss and Otto are upstairs, so I'm not alone.”
Ace: “Oh yes, you'll be in safe hooves with a pyro and the spineless wonder.”

Rita: “Yes, I saw him rent the same room from before. He had a giant spider with him. Luckily everyone was too busy drinking and playing darts to notice or I would be still mopping urine off the floor.”

Spirit: “Everyone keeps forgetting about Azurah in Nabru, who's one of those sidequests that you blow off disk 1 thinking you don't have time, but that you really wish you did early on when you finally backtrack two disks later.”
DM: “Disks? I think of this D&D campaign more of a Steam download with a free new race DLC.”
Spirit: “Content quantity is too high for a Steam retroclone, but it sticks far too close to gaming roots to be a modern triple-A title. Overall, I peg it as a golden age of JRPG multi-disk game.”
DM: “I'll take that as a compliment and concede to disks.”

[TheTeaMustFlow]

GM: ...But luckily, this is Hong Kong, so 'fight between scrappy heroes and improbable numbers of triad goons wrecks only decent restaurant in the neighbourhood' is what's known as a 'Tuesday'. Only problem is, today's a Thursday.

The Magic Cop: I'm fairly certain that low initiative roll was due to me spending most of the turn eating the lobster.

GM: You might, however be more concerned about the fact that your face was just almost eaten by GODDAMN ZOMBIES, which as far as you were aware, DIDN'T EXIST.
(beat)
The Bodyguard: ...Eh. Risks of the job.

[ElFi]

Patrick: You know, father, you are getting older, so I figured maybe you could use some help around the house or something.
Dominic: If you are attempting to bring my mental faculties into question, Patrick, I suggest you reexamine your own first.

#

GM (me): So the clay monster flings the mook into his partner, and... you know what, screw it, I'm not rolling for slam damage. Their unconscious and broken bodies go tumbling down the stairs. Now roll initiative.

#

Troy: So, who exactly did you kill?
Theresa: Yes, that is true!

#

Hunter: ...You're one of those new-wave Furries, aren't you?

[Beacon of Chaos]

Ouch! Nice roll. :D
It was pretty good. Another character got a triple crit on the boss later on. Shame the boss then started getting multi-crits on most of his dodge rolls. Not quite as high, but enough that he was damn hard to hit.

[sengmeng]

Important NPC: You'll be assigned as bodyguards to my niece, who was recently widowed.
Player character: So she's available?

[GPuzzle]

Eilowyn: "I lost the Water Essence!"
Hadlug, Vladim, Hael, DM: *simultaneous facepalm*

Hael: "I'll try to intimidate him." *rolls a 1*
DM: "The bartender thinks you're cute."
Eilowyn: "He's a genasi-sexual."
Hael: "The freak."

Hadlug: "He's a giant?"
Hael: "He looks like the TF2 Heavy mixed with Kratos from that E3 presentation."
Hadlug: "Crap, he's a russian."

DM: "Eilowyn's main flaw is that she has no idea of what's acceptable to speak."
Hael: "She's a bard, that's surprising."

Vladim: "I shall baptize this child with the purest vodka."

Eilowyn: "Believe in the stone! Believe in the stone!"
DM: "Worst crack cocaine dealer ever."

Eilowyn: "This is the essence's power!"
Hael: *hums They Will Know Our Names*

[TheTeaMustFlow]

'You have to remember they're all one irregular verb: I optimise, you're a powergamer, he's a goddamn cheating munchkin'

[Yael]

Aztec Warriors ''You invaders leave this holy ground!''

Cesar (OoC), Lydia's player ''How they dare?!''
Lydia ''Desecrate.''

[ZeroGear]

Samson: "So, we've heard there has been an increase in goblin attacks recently. You know anything about this?"
Traveling Merchant: "Oh, eh, I've heard about that. Got jumped by a band of them buggers not too long ago. Seems they be after some legend called the Ursufugo."
Lance: "The what?"
Merchant: "'Far as I know, it's some kind of new goblin myth. From what I've heard it's supposedly a demon clad in clothes as red as blood who rides though the sky upon a bear of fire and hurls flame from his fingers. Bunch of nonsense if you ask me."
*Everyone looks at Vick and Xaltaer*
Vick: *Glares at Xaltaer*
Xaltaer: *Looks at Vick* "Hey, don't blame me..."
Vick: "I BLAME you!"

Terra: "Lance, what is that?"
Lance: *looks up at his new half-giant cohort* "This is Thud. He followed me home. Can we keep him?"

[goto124]

Important NPC: You'll be assigned as bodyguards to my niece, who was recently widowed.
Player character: So she's available?

Er... what's her age?

[Genth]

Player: I place the writer's manuscript between two slices of bread and start eating it

[DigoDragon]

Important NPC: You'll be assigned as bodyguards to my niece, who was recently widowed.
Player character: So she's available?

Too soon buddy, too soon. XD


Hael: "I'll try to intimidate him." *rolls a 1*
DM: "The bartender thinks you're cute."

I would have so many NPC friends if it worked this way in any of my games. :3


'You have to remember they're all one irregular verb: I optimise, you're a powergamer, he's a goddamn cheating munchkin'

LOL, that's a good one.


Player: I place the writer's manuscript between two slices of bread and start eating it

How did it taste? Dry? :smalltongue:

Beryl: “What's the names of Frostbite's parents?”
Frostbite: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
DM: “Heck, I'm the DM and I haven't asked that one yet.”

DM: “Ah okay, so basically the spell functions like half the wardrobe in my wife's closet.”

Spirit: “She didn't realize how bats track their prey, for example.”
DM: “Can't blame her. Spiders don't have ears.”

[goto124]

DM: “Ah okay, so basically the spell functions like half the wardrobe in my wife's closet.”


I am confused... for instance, why only half?

[Lord Torath]

I am confused... for instance, why only half?Because only half the clothes are Tres Chic or Pure Sexy or Plain But Comfortable or whatever quality matches the spell.

[DigoDragon]

I am confused... for instance, why only half?

Because only half the clothes are Tres Chic or Pure Sexy or Plain But Comfortable or whatever quality matches the spell.

The spell in question was "Charm Person", but the quality being discussed about the spell isn't the obvious one. :smallbiggrin:

[goto124]

I am still utterly confused.

[Elxir_Breauer]

The spell in question was "Charm Person", but the quality being discussed about the spell isn't the obvious one. :smallbiggrin:

Your wife's wardrobe sounds half-awesome, at least. :smallbiggrin:

[DigoDragon]

I am still utterly confused.

The comment made before the quote was "Spirit also has Charm Person, because Druid. Just doesn't have it prepped today because limited spell slots, and he finds Enchantment effects distasteful."

When I said it functions like half of my wife's wardrobe in the closet, it was referencing the fact that my wife finds that half to be distasteful.

Elxir_Breauer is essentially correct about the other half. :smallwink:

[sengmeng]

Er... what's her age?

Old enough to be married, young enough to have a living uncle.

[Genth]

How did it taste? Dry? :smalltongue:



Stabby. The writer promptly stabbed the character with a butter knife

[comk59]

Taren: I must say, I have never seen an elf of such grace and dignity before...
Loren: Stop hitting on my Grandma!
Ravemoira (NPC): Oh, I don't mind.


Victor: We believe the goblins are organising-
Ravemoira: Ahahahahahahaha! Ah... you humans and your odd senses of humor...


Loren: Grandmother, you just disappeared without a word!
Ravemiora: Oh, I'm sorry sweety, a sea wyrm was ravaging the western coast and me and your grandfather had to pop out to deal with it.

Rulkrim: You barely know each other, why do you want to get married?
NPC: Well, she's kind and beautiful... I was enchanted the moment I-
Rulkrim: I cast detect magic!
Dm: ... on the elven wizard?
Rulkrim: Yes!

Dm: Detrect magic only reveals the presence of magic, it's Identify that tells you what it does. And that's a minute long touch spell.
Rulkrim: Hey elf, want a backrub?

Rulkrim: I impress the crowd with my music prowress. (rolls nat 20)
Dm: Dang. Well, since this is a side thing, you can narrate what happens.
Rulkrim: I invent DwarfCore!

Taren: What do you mean none of us knows how to speak gnoll?!

[D.KnightSpider]

GM: You're falling through a void. A dark, lifeless void. And yet you can see clearly. Reality is coming undone all around you. As you look around, you find your entire body elongating and bending at surreal angles. Your arms and legs are forming ninety-degree angles where there are no joints and--
Ray: I can see my nose from here!
---

Ray: *dancing wildly* Ha. Ha! HA! BWAHAHAHAHA! Eat it, reality! In your face, temporal physics! Choke on it, Quantum Mechanics! I take a nuclear paradox to the face and live. I am invincibleness!
---

GM: After that little display, R is putting you in for an immediate psych evaluation.
---

Lisa: That's a bittersweet ending if I've ever seen one.
Ray: Yeah, I know. You're alive again. We saved the flumphs from annihilation, but we'll probably never see 3G again-- assuming that he even remembers us--
Lisa: And you don't get XP for any of it.
Ray: -- I don't?
GM: You just rewrote history so that you never did any of those things. Since you didn't actually do it, you don't get any XP.
Ray: But I remember doing all of it!
Lisa: And I remember being dead. But I'm not.
Ray: Yeah, but- buh- hu- gnerhk. *eye snaps*
GM: I think we just broke him... Again.

[Necroticplague]

Nesdu: Wait, I thought it was an intelligent item?
DM:An 'intelligent' magic item is only one that's capable of thinking. It does not necessarily mean one capable of thinking particularly well.
After casting detect thoughts on a sword to find that it apparently had the personality and mental capacity of Fighter from 8-bit theater.

[JBPuffin]

5e game that's been going for awhile, just haven't been able to capture the quotes...until this happened.

I misread Polymorph, so I was asking if I turned into a frost giant, would I get my weapons? After setting me straight...
DM(OOC): Dude, when you can be a T-Rex, who wants to be a stupid storm giant?!... I mean, look up what that thing can do and tell me you don't want to take polymorph and use that EVERY encounter.
Oh, there are some bandits in the forest? TREX!
Oh, someone just stole my coin purse? TREX!
Vivi, Level 8 Druid(Me, OOC): Oh, there's an intricate murder mystery to solve? You better know it's a T-REX!
DM(OOC): Riddle in a dungeon? The answer is motherflipping TREX

We've had some hilarious things happen - 11 people have been involved, although there's only 4 regulars (had a new one join tonight) and the DM usually. Everything from characters committing suicide to save their fellows to awkward moments fondling harpies to genuinely considering murdering ten-year-old kings, it's been a blast, and I can hardly wait for the next session.

[DigoDragon]

Beryl: “Oh if we're talking about crapshoots, what about me being told to 'continue the fight against the darkness' by going to the Dusk Temple in Arendale? I wish that was a little clearer. Will it help against the brotherhood? Is the 'the darkness' something else? Do I get a fancy 'I am Heliodor!' button or something?”

DM: “Anyone else find it ironic that [Coca-Cola Life] instilled a death-like state in our Baker-Paladin?”

DM: “Welp, coming home today the car thermostat said it was 101F outside. I had the A/C on the lowest setting because the heat felt good. Feeling good at face-melting temperatures means either I'm part red dragon or something's wrong with me. Checked my body temp and yup... fever has returned for round 3. Sigh.”
Beryl: “The impossible theory that we're infecting each other through forum posts is looking worryingly plausible all of a sudden.”

Spirit: “How long am I allowed to haunt them, and how many disappearances am I allowed to cause? Instilling mortal terror is a Druidic specialty.”

Flare Star: “So... these wounds were done to you by an opposing pegasus swordsman?”
Epee Silverhilt: “Earth pony actually.”
Flare: “But... you can fly. Did this earth pony have some method of flight as well?”
Epee: “Nope, just had this really good opening move that starts with a rock...”

Ace: “Ivy, are you pondering, what I'm pondering?”
Ivy: “Crystal Orb and Chill?”

[digiman619]

Flare Star: “So... these wounds were done to you by an opposing pegasus swordsman?”
Epee Silverhilt: “Earth pony actually.”
Flare: “But... you can fly. Did this earth pony have some method of flight as well?”
Epee: “Nope, just had this really good opening move that starts with a rock...”

I wish I knew how to link the video directly... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZuNIVHnH9I)

[Taet]

P3: Uh-oh. I shoot my own sniper in the back! He must have had very good camouflage. :smallredface:

P2: Well, that confirms it. You are literally playing Commander Badass when he tells the free-range fire "no." and it refuses to burn him. :smallcool:


Nesdu: We need to hold them off! Think about steak really hard while I cast!
*begins playing final countdown on a kazoo*
:smalleek:

[CrazyPenguin]

I sat in on a friend's Exalted game today, so here are a few quotes from that.

"So basically all I have to do is stand on a ship and say 'mine now,' and then that ship is mine, and anybody I haven't formally welcomed onto the ship is worse at everything they do while on the ship? Forever? Even if I'm not on the ship? Even if I haven't been on the ship in years? Even if I completely forgot that the ship even existed?"
"Yes."

"Today was a pretty good day. I met some new people, and most of them didn't try to kill me. Wait, no. Most of them actually did try to kill me. Still, some of them didn't try to kill me."

"The spunky seaman"

[bulbaquil]

P3: "Slapping someone in a coma doesn't get them out of that coma."
P1: "But you're not in a coma."
P3: "I am in a coma."

P5: "Spoiler alert: you might not be able to heal me once I drop out of rage."
P1: "I'll reincarnate you later."
GM: "Spin, spin, spin the wheel!"

P1: "Can I see the book real quick, now that I'm dead?"

P1: "The bookkeeping [of Path of War classes] is a pain."
P4: "No, it's not!"
P1: "A wizard is simpler."

[McNum]

DM: “Anyone else find it ironic that [Coca-Cola Life] instilled a death-like state in our Baker-Paladin?”

DM: “Welp, coming home today the car thermostat said it was 101F outside. I had the A/C on the lowest setting because the heat felt good. Feeling good at face-melting temperatures means either I'm part red dragon or something's wrong with me. Checked my body temp and yup... fever has returned for round 3. Sigh.”
Beryl: “The impossible theory that we're infecting each other through forum posts is looking worryingly plausible all of a sudden.”
I was kind of hoping that these wouldn't have ended up in this thread. Those are about IRL, not the game... But since they're here and I quoted them, they can stay.

I'm just gonna say stevia allergy is really awful. Especially if you don't know it and drink the stuff for several months in a row. If you have pollen allergies, be very careful about stevia. And since there is a lot of that in Coca Cola Life, think twice before choosing the green Coke.

[ZeroGear]

Captured hobgoblin guard: "I'll never talk!"
Terra: "Oh yes you will!"
Hobgoblin: "Make Me!"
Terra: "If you insist." I grab his jewels and twist.
Everyone else: :smalleek:
Terra: "Talk, or I'll pluck 'em like an orange."
Everyone else, simultaneously: "An ORANGE?"
Hobgoblin: "I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK!"

[Toric]

From my real-life 5E campaign.

Vincent, gearhead Sorcerer.

Faye, semi-noble elf(?) Wizard.

Benihime, vagrant Monk.

Faye's player: We have her dead babies. We could start throwing dead babies and hope she goes after them.
Vincent's player (Me): Pity Mage Hand has such a low weight allowance, we could make magic dead gator baby marionettes. -Some discussion later- Even so, I'm all for baby grenades.
Faye's player, after more discussion: Now then, do these dead babies float. That's what I want to find out.

Faye's player: Good. This will work swimmingly.
Vincent's player: WRONG ADVERB

Faye's player: You will be missed, Mini-Cube.

Faye's player: Remember, the command phrase is "Smile, you son of a ****!'l"

Vincent: "What is it with Faye and creating hellish vehicles of brimstone!?"

Benihime: "Look, idiot! The wheel is the baby gators!"

Ship furnace: "Mother, I am so cold. Mother, make me warm. Please mother, it is so cold."

[LadyFoxfire]

(My shadow dancer, Lily, is trapped in a pocket dimension with 10 angry pirates and no backup)
Pirates: Surrender your weapons or we will kill you!
Lily: You can try
(5 combat rounds later, I am down 7 hp, one potion of spider climb, and have stolen the artifact the pirates were using to get in and out of the pocket dimension. One pirate is dead, another mortally wounded, and the other 8 are trapped in the pocket dimension without the artifact)
Me, over the table: Damn, that was some Black Widow **** right there!

[Genth]

GM: Scotland is not a bag of holding!

PlayerA: Oh no we left NoKnees in the car!
PlayerB: are you thinking what I'm thinking?
PlayerA: We are not throwing NoKnees into Scotland

[DigoDragon]

And back from the wasteland...

Moon: “So what is it exactly?”
Doc: “And does it come with ears?”

GM: “Wonderbolt outfits are effectively overpriced Sexy Sleepwear.”

Doc: *grabs the bar that has a Waldorf Fellstoria label and the bottle of... blue soap*
GM: “I wanted to make a 'Dr Braynner' joke, but I thought that would be going too far.”
Doc: “Not that bad. Now, if it were a brand of glue...”

Viridia: “Perception was recommended.” *succeeds*
GM: “On the ceiling and hidden by the lack of lighting, Fan Knife was looking down. Ceiling ninjas are watching you make friends.”
Viridia: “Who knew she was that kind of fan?”

Viridia: “I hope I'm dead by the time I want to make a deal with another horse.”
Doc: “In glorious pony Iceland, horse is dead when dealing with you!”
Moon: “Undead horses don't seem like an improvement to me.”

[ZeroGear]

Vick: "Alright, we need a plan."
Lance: "I have a banana?"

[KnotKnormal]

Aden: How many men did we lose?
Alnair: 3 dead, 2 pretty messed up.
Aden: How much of that was friendly fire?
Alnair: 3 dead, 2 pretty messed up
Aden: Right so if that b**** says I'm incompetent I'm telling her that she trained the homicidal bastards.

Carra: How many of my men did you get killed.
Aden: *through clenched teeth* They did it to themselves.
Carra: Oh i expected it, they the worst in the force, was hoping to wipe out the whole lot of you. but you survived, well done.
Nick: Are you aware it only takes three and a half minutes to strangle a dog with your bare hands?
Carra: are you aware that a whip is a far more versatile tool then people give it credit for. *taps the whip on her hip*
Alnair: *nudges Aden* Duuuuuuude... Wife her.

[Rater202]

Me: As far as her 14 year old runaway brain can think, it's the perfect plan!

[IntelectPaladin]

Ah, the tales of my paladinhood.
My complicated, complicated paladinhood.

Me:Did I really just make a lich cry with realization of time's passing? Ok.

Me: I had no idea I could rehabilitate a lich. Let's see..
Personality? check.
Outlook? working on it.
Social scene? Erm... Children don't cry as often.
(At the sight of him on the streets. It's sad that I have to add that.)
Me: Look, sir.
My client has every right to collect the interest on the loan he made.
The aforementioned loan being the one granted to your bank during the crash of 1-023.
Me: Sir, sir, please stop yelling. I'm well aware it's 1-754. That isn't the issue here.

Thank you for reading this, and I hope you have a better day!

[Inevitability]

Me: Look, sir.
My client has every right to collect the interest on the loan he made.
The aforementioned loan being the one granted to your bank during the crash of 1-023.
Me: Sir, sir, please stop yelling. I'm well aware it's 1-754. That isn't the issue here.

I've had people actually try this in-game. I'm not kidding: when my players first visited a mayor city they went to the nearest bank and deposited some money. Seventeen levels later, after the campaign's end, I asked each player to narrate what happened to their characters.

Rogue: I become the world's most powerful assassin and thief, undetectable by mortal means. Who I want dead, dies, and what I desire stolen, gets stolen. Eventually, [necromancer] will probably turn me into a vampire or something, because I don't want to die from old age.

Fighter: I become a mighty mercenary and guardian of our floating island, equipped with many magical items. Many try to conquer the floating isle, but no succeed as long as I stand guard.

Ranger: I lead an army to destroy the dragon that long ago drove me from my home, then retreat to silently contemplate Ulaa's will. From time to time, I may emerge from the hills to do some work of good, and over time become a legend.

Necromancer: I focus on creating warforged and sentient undead, then after centuries of preparation lead them in a full-scale assault against humanity. Oh, but right before I do that I collect the interest on that loan I made back when we were in Baldur's Gate.

[goto124]

GM: “Wonderbolt outfits are effectively overpriced Sexy Sleepwear.”

While Sexy Sleepwear are gender-differentiated (http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/fallout/images/3/3f/Sexy_sleepwear.png/revision/latest?cb=20110719233603), Wonderbolt outfits aren't.

I swear I had an actual conclusion here, but I can't remember it now. So I'll just ask if there's a way for females to wear male outfits, and vice versa.


GM: “On the ceiling and hidden by the lack of lighting, Fan Knife was looking down. Ceiling ninjas are watching you make friends.”
Viridia: “Who knew she was that kind of fan?”


So the 'fan' word wasn't just describing what kind of knife she used...

[KnotKnormal]

Nick: guys?
*party ignores*
Nick: seriously this time, your gonna want to see this.
*party ignores*
Nick: GUYS!
Party: What?
*nick points* i told you there was a giant chicken following us.

Thane: alright we are meeting with the queen, be respectful and bow.
*in the thrown room*
GM: what does everyone do?
Aden: *bows*
Alnair: *fancy bows*
Carrig: *bows*
Nick: *stares of at the pretty colors in the class windows*
Carig: I touch the talisman to Nick
Nick: *double over in pain
Carig: He bows.

[DigoDragon]

Alnair: *nudges Aden* Duuuuuuude... Wife her.

There's always one matchmaker in every group. :3


Me: As far as her 14 year old runaway brain can think, it's the perfect plan!

Totally legit!


The aforementioned loan being the one granted to your bank during the crash of 1-023.
Me: Sir, sir, please stop yelling. I'm well aware it's 1-754. That isn't the issue here.

Heehee, be wary of the player that knows the financial system. :3


I swear I had an actual conclusion here, but I can't remember it now. So I'll just ask if there's a way for females to wear male outfits, and vice versa.

With ponies? I dunno, I guess if the body sizes are similar enough.
In Fallout generally? There are mods for it.


So the 'fan' word wasn't just describing what kind of knife she used...

It's versatile!

Choro: “Oh, how I wish Choro had heard what Liron just said. Her reaction would've been hilarious. And finally pushed her all the way into proper wizardly wrathful anger.”
Doc: “Eh, racist donkeys aren't worth shooting up the place over.”
Choro: “Who said anything about shooting? She'd just argue with him! And cite historical precedent.”
Doc: “Well, historical precedent when NPCs argue with us is that there's a 60% chance guns get involved.”
GM: “The other 40% just involves exposition.”

River: “Alright, who wants all my guns? Some horse? Another Doc clone? The creepy ghoul filly?”
Viridia: “I don't think she's creepy. Anyway! A guy named Armoise Blanche.”
River: “Huh. So, is he a gun runner or something? Drug lord? Professional baby eater?”
Viridia: “Gang dude. He runs a gang. They gang.”

Viridia: “Let's find somewhere away from these folk, just in case. They're awful sensitive, and even mild torture might upset them.”
River: “We have sensitive feelings.”
Viridia: “You've got sensitive a lot of things.”

Choro: “No, no thank you. I have my own and I'm...” [Beat]
Choro: “...completely broke?”

[goto124]

Viridia: “I don't think she's creepy. Anyway! A guy named Armoise Blanche.”
River: “Huh. So, is he a gun runner or something? Drug lord? Professional baby eater?”
Viridia: “Gang dude. He runs a gang. They gang.”

Is he Prench? Why does Google say "Armoise" and "Blanche" are female names? Are we far enough in the future that currently feminine names have become gender-neutral and suitable names for a gangster, much like how masculine names are becoming more gender-neutral due to parents giving them to their daughters?

If so, that's some impressive world-building!

Was River born before or after rivers were contaminated with radioactive waste?

[IntelectPaladin]

I'm a touch surprised people were more interested in the bank, honestly.
Much more than the rehabilitated lich.
It's not exactly common, is it?

Anyways, here are some more tales of my intricate Paladinhood:

Me: We are NOT slaying the dragon.
I mean, these records she kept show that she was framed!
And (Thief), I know you're coming up behind me with the torch.
DM had me roll randomly, I rolled high. Evidently he wanted to burn the proof.
Me: Look, it's not my fault you guys are in cages! You try for assault and battery,
things like this are going to happen! A dragon is still a person, I told you.

Me:How is it my fault you didn't get to loot anything? More loot will be forthwith, I said.
I convinced her to send us in her abusive ex's direction, didn't I?

Me: You DO realize that we've gotten more gold out from both suing the ex,
and settling (She-dragon)'s false charges than we would've from the raid?
Besides, I set another little raid aside. Who wants to smack some cultists?
Thankfully, they still had fun, despite hiccups.
Thank you for reading this, and I hope you have a better day!

[KnotKnormal]

"the truth is we are guilty of these crimes, but we did so to seek the truth. you chief of police ha done the same, he has committed true crimes in an effort to seek the truth. we are both truth seekers, and who is to get in the way of seeking the truth. after all it is truly our own personal truths that truly makes us who we are. is it wrong to seek our truth at the expense of a truly magnificent government building and a truly benevolent judge?"

"... yes... wait... what?"

BOOM!!!!!!!

[DigoDragon]

Is he Prench? Why does Google say "Armoise" and "Blanche" are female names? Are we far enough in the future that currently feminine names have become gender-neutral and suitable names for a gangster, much like how masculine names are becoming more gender-neutral due to parents giving them to their daughters?

Maybe his parents always wanted a daughter, and thus the lack of love led to his life of crime?


Was River born before or after rivers were contaminated with radioactive waste?

Pretty sure it was after. The war "ended" about 170 years ago, so only a few ghouls remember the old times. Strata, Stitchheart, and Fan Knife are three such ghouls.



I'm a touch surprised people were more interested in the bank, honestly.
Much more than the rehabilitated lich.
It's not exactly common, is it?

Not common, but it happens. PCs are in it for something, so they gotta scheme for cash at some point to pay their bills. ;)

[goto124]

Fan Knife is a ghoul?

*rapid flailing*

[Fable Wright]

I'm a touch surprised people were more interested in the bank, honestly.
Much more than the rehabilitated lich.
It's not exactly common, is it?

Liches have, historically, been everything from a tragic villain to a reasonable authority figure to twisted nightmares of nature to straight up big bads. A redeemed lich is within accepted parameters of expectations.

A bank on the losing side of a deal? Now that is worth some discussion.


Fan Knife is a ghoul?

*rapid flailing*

One does not develop ninja skills without your family line having practiced the art for at least a century.

Fortunately, Fan Knife is included in her own family line.

[IZ42]

Kadic(OoC): Is it safe to assume Kadic's guessed Bittersweet is undead by now? She's kinda been dropping hints faster than the pound's value.
Lobelia(OoC): http://i.imgur.com/WG2OuLD.png
Lea(OoC): Critical insult!

[D.KnightSpider]

Ray: Oh, wait. Which one of us survived a singularity? That's right, not you!
---

Lisa: The guy survives the collapse of reality and it goes right to his head.
---

R: There's something funny going on here. I suspect that someone is monkeying with the fabric of the multiverse. And I don't approve of that.
Ray: Someone besides us, right?
R: ... Yes.
---

R: We're putting together a team.
Ray: Can we be called the--?
R: No.
Ray: How about the--?
Lisa: No.
Ray: You didn't even know what I was going to say!
Lisa: Since it was coming from you, it didn't matter.
---

R: I believe that you already know our first recruit.
3G: Greetings, earthlings.
Ray: Gumdrop! Good you see you, my squid! How's it hanging?
3G: ... I apologize, but do I know you?
Ray: What? You don't remember?
3G: That would be negative.
Ray: But we survived a nuclear paradoxical black hole together!
3G: *shakes head*
Lisa: Oh for cryin' out loud. Not this again.
3G: Ha, ha, ha!
Ray & Lisa: ?
3G: That was my attempt at mimicking human humor. Was I successful?
---

R: Goody, Goody Gumdrop has developed some medical/healing abilities. Maybe now you two will stop getting yourselves vaporized and cut in half all the time.
Ray: He don't know us very well, do he?
Lisa: R, you just gave us a healer. If you thought we were pulling insane stunts before, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
---

R: And to provide some ranged support, I'm assigning you--
MMH: *enters* The one whom beauty and justice adorn: the marvelous Masked Matter-Horn!
Lisa: *headdesk* Oh, heck no.
---

3G: I am confused. My understanding is that a sub-objective of combat is to avoid getting shot. Is that not correct?
---

Ray: Huh. I would have considered you more of a Corvette-girl, not a Dodge-van-girl.
Lisa: Vans have more mass than sedans. More mass means more hiding places for dakka, and you can never have too much dakka.
Ray: Coming from you, that makes a scary amount of sense.
---

Ray: We're now the Time Force Rangers!
Lisa: *smacks Ray upside the head*

[digiman619]

Ray: We're now the Time Force Rangers!
Lisa: *smacks Ray upside the head*

Side note: I am convinced that the future the Time Rangers are from is secretly evil. Think about it: Humans all receive gene therapy in vitro to have "the perfect genes", a.k.a. eugenics. Every time they deviate from what's expected of them, they're told that they're "changing the future", but are never told how. Standard Operating Procedure on someone returning from the past is memory wipes. Every single criminal we see is a 'mutant'; i.e., made up of 'the spilled genetic materials' so not genetically modified (though still looking monstrous, because Power Rangers). Are they trying to breed criminality/aggression out of humanity, like that Doctor Who episode with Simon Pegg? There's WAY too many unanswered questions for me to trust Time Force HQ and the theory me and my brother have is that They Live -style aliens took over the world in secret and use the time travel power to stay on top.

PPS: That scene near the end of the series, where Frax/Dr. Ferix realizes that he was wrong about mutants, that they aren't all bastards and tells Nadira not to give in to hatred as he's dragged off to what for all intents and purposes is his death, every time I see it, I tear up. And I don't even particularly like Power Rangers, and I dislike that season in general, but that one scene... It gets me every time.

[DigoDragon]

One does not develop ninja skills without your family line having practiced the art for at least a century.

Fortunately, Fan Knife is included in her own family line.

Helps to live nearly two centuries when learning anything.


Viridia: “Yooo! Moony and the D! Where you at?”
Doc: “Sounds like a great rock band name.”

Moon: “Hey Viridia, I found something that'll hopefully help with all the weird crap we've been dealing with.”
Doc: “The poor thing is gonna work overtime with us.”
Choro: “I must admit, I am curious. What exactly does your team do?”
Moon: “We have made running into trouble pretty profitable thus far.”

GM: “The donkey actually seemed rather concerned about someone's safety; possibly her own!”

Choro: “This is the tale… of Discord!”
Crowd: *ponies let out screams of varying seriousness*

GM: “Armoise's group of thugs were heading inside the room while the vast majority of the crowd was distracted.”
Moon: “Huh, those the gangsters who made a deal with?”
Viridia: “They'd prefer to be called ‘uncompromising professionals’.”

Viridia: “We have enough bottlecaps to pay for the therapy we'll need after all the murders we've done.”
GM: “A small filly who was sitting nearby seemed to have heard that last thing, and whimpered slightly.”
Viridia: (thinking to herself) “The world seems to have a way of summoning people as soon as I say something mildly incriminating. Wonder if there's a way to abuse that?”

GM: “He looked at Doc with not-quite hostility.”

[Eldan]

Wizard: I cast an illusion of a really, really soft haystack at the bottom of the cliff.

Actual context:

GM: So, the five bandits are chasing you to the edge of the cliff.
Rogue-cleric player: I jump over and activate a slow fall spell.
GM: You survive. The bandits arrive at the cliff top and hesitate.
Wizard: I cast an illusion of a really, really soft haystack at the bottom of the cliff.
Rogue-cleric: I taunt them "Come on, a woman could do this, are you affraid?"
GM: *Rolls* four of them jump over the cliff and... *rolls* two die, the others have multiple broken bones, especially in their legs.

[ZeroGear]

Lance: "Ok, this door doesn't have any locks to pick."
Xaltaer: "Looks like we need to solve the glyphs on it. Might take a while."
Thud: *Rips door off hinges*
Xaltaer: "...or we could just brute-force it."

Samson: "I've talked to the generals, and we're not getting through if they both don't agree."
Vick: "Then we have a problem."
Thud: "Thud solve problem! Thud use Reason! "
Samson: "...ok. So, what's with the rock?"
Thud: "This Reason." *holds up a large rock with the word "reason" horridly misspelled across it*
Lance: "I'd say that's a solid reason."

Xaltaer: "How you holding up big guy?"
Thud: "...big? You think Thud big?"
Xaltaer: "Uh...yes?"
Thud: "Thud never been called big before."
Xaltaer: "Really?"
Thud: "Thud always picked on for being small." *sniff* "Magic Man not know how much that mean to Thud."
Xaltaer: "You're uh...welcome?"
Thud: *hugs Xaltaer*
Xaltaer: "Can't breath."
Samson: Does that count as PVP?

[goto124]

Choro: “This is the tale… of Discord!”
Crowd: *ponies let out screams of varying seriousness*

He's quite a legend indeed :smallbiggrin:


Wizard: I cast an illusion of a really, really soft haystack at the bottom of the cliff.

Actual context:

GM: So, the five bandits are chasing you to the edge of the cliff.
Rogue-cleric player: I jump over and activate a slow fall spell.
GM: You survive. The bandits arrive at the cliff top and hesitate.
Wizard: I cast an illusion of a really, really soft haystack at the bottom of the cliff.
Rogue-cleric: I taunt them "Come on, a woman could do this, are you affraid?"
GM: *Rolls* four of them jump over the cliff and... *rolls* two die, the others have multiple broken bones, especially in their legs.


"Why did you guys recreate Assassin's Creed?"

[DigoDragon]

Thud: *Rips door off hinges*

Thud: "This Reason." *holds up a large rock with the word "reason" horridly misspelled across it*

Thud: "Thud always picked on for being small." *sniff* "Magic Man not know how much that mean to Thud."

I love every word that comes out of this character. Pure gold.



"Why did you guys recreate Assassin's Creed?"

Well you have to admit that it was effective. Props for good use of illusion.

[Wonton]

"So... can we bring him back without arms?"

My PCs, casting Raise Dead on an NPC that they killed, worried he might seek revenge

[KnotKnormal]

Gray: I give up. **** it... *tries to shove the cube in the round hole*
DM: it slides in easily
Gray: wait what?

Trin: Next time, I wire the bomb, you plant it.

Trin: *hands Dom a lit stick of Dynomite* All wired up, now plant it across town.

DM: the code is 2461
Sam: 2461 2461 2461 2461
Dom: 7659?
Sam: no 2461
Trin: how many dalmatians were there?
Sam: 101
Everyone: *waits for glory*

- Some time later -

Sam: FFFFFF@@@@@@@%&!!!!!

[TurboGhast]

Random Passerby: You're playing B&B, where you simulate being in a Bed and Breakfast. There's a dragon in the basement.
DM: The owner of the place has a bunch of creepy dolls that come to life at night.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Fresh from tonight's session.

Josephine: I'm sorry, but if someone tries to attack me, I am not responsible for what happens to any walls that get in the way.

Dante: I could make a sculpture of blood. Can I, like, move it around, or what?
GM: It's basically like an ice sculpture. Good for decorating an evil vampire cult lair.
Dante: Hmm.

Jospehine: I am still naked, by the way.
John: ...Why?

GM: It's a small, quiet village. Not much goes on there.
Edward: Just wait, we'll change that.

Edward: We have not destroyed half a city... yet.

GM: The only clothes they have for you are the Chief's daughter's old school uniform.
Scamp: How very anime.
GM: It's more like Madeline (http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/p__/images/9/97/Madeline.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120301012209&path-prefix=protagonist).
Jospehine: ...I can work with this. Can someone braid my hair?

Edward: Can I roll procurement to try to buy another gun?
GM: You can roll it to try and get a few more stock points, hopefully you'll get enough.
Edward: *double crits*
GM: Nevermind, you raided your Swiss bank account and now have triple your starting funds!

GM: Hunting is common here but you might want to hide the tommy gun.

Edward: So... they're trying to put together an evil orchestra?

John: I go invisible!
Everyone: Stop already!

[CrazyPenguin]

Random banter from an Exalted character creation session:

"He lost his sense of taste."
"His tongue got torn out?"
"Along with the rest of his lower jaw, yes."

"The god of Plot Twists!"

"So, can I ride a shark?"
"There should be shark elementals. Why are there no shark elementals?"
"Because 'shark' isn't an element."
"Sure it is. It even has an elemental Pole. Sharknado."

[DigoDragon]

Trin: how many dalmatians were there?

This cruel and hilarious.


Jospehine: I am still naked, by the way.
John: ...Why?

Questions later. ;)

~ ~ ~
Viridia: “You are so wrong that the very concept of Right has been removed from the universe. Yes, even the direction.”

Choro: “Can you tell me anything more about Everfrost?”
Doc: “It's a small island far to the northeast across the sea, inhabited by Viking unicorns. It's a warrior caste society in isolation for centuries, with their own language.”
GM: “Somewhere, Fan Knife sneezed.”
Viridia: “Fan Knife: The only fan that doesn't know how to chill.”
GM: “Well, she was chill, once. Then her nose fell off.”
Doc: “I'm sure her sis can sew the nose back on.”

GM: “The Gamma Gun's based off the one from Fallout 4.”
Viridia: “Eww. I object to that on an ethical, moral, and personal level.”

GM: “Donkey cuisine might distress ponies, because it doesn't consist mostly of sugars, fats, and starches of various shapes and colors.”
Doc: “Donkeys are carnivores or something?
GM: “They would just have plainer tastes in food then ponies do. They'd probably be fine eating just straw, with some steamed veggies on the side.”
Doc: “Oh. You said distress and I was thinking something exotic like... Iceland cuisine.”
GM: “Willingness to consume Icelandic cuisine, from my understanding, probably stems from large amounts of grain alcohol.”

[Beacon of Chaos]

Questions later. ;)
You're right. Getting the teenage girl some clothes before we get arrested is probably a better idea. :smalltongue:

Actually, despite appearing to be 15, Josphine is a living porceline doll and 84 years old.

She was naked* because she was shielding Scamp (aged 11) from an explosion that probably would have killed him for a short time.

Yeah, it's that sort of game.

*I believe she still had her undergarmets and Scamp gave her his jacket, so not completely naked. Naked for a 1920s setting

Anyway~



Quotes from an old pony game Digo reminded me of the other day.

Cast:

Wah-Ching Yu- Mysterious earth pony spy, gender unknown.
Knives C'Pone- Unicorn rogue, descendant of a legendary DJ
Springboard Jackie- Pegasus pirate
Heal Turn- Unicorn cleric
Scarlet Blaze- Hot-blooded earth pony mercenary

Jackie: Arrr, we going to looty their booty!

Knives: It all made sense! She was a hitmare, sent to wub out the enemy!

GM: She generally prefers close-combat, but the loud ZZZZZZAP noise the gun makes is very satisfying.

Knives: Oohhh, I do so need something to protect my delicate flesh from being, well, undelicatated, but the glitter bomb has glitter.

Heal Turn: Not that he didn't appreciate his work healing others and the help it provided ponies in town, but it just got tiring to listen to ponies complain every day. "Why shouldn't I eat that, it was tasty!" "What do you mean it costs money, you should do it for free!" "It took half the time to Rez my husband last time I was here!"

Jackie: *buys leather armour in the market*
Nick Nack: A wise decision my friend. It comes to you from the British Empire across the great sea.
Jackie: Really?
Nick Nack: It has a 'u' in it's name, no?
Jackie: ...fair point.

Scarlet: I'm back!
Merchant: Waaah! Don't do that to me! I thought you were going to do some jobs?
Scarlet: I did. *slams a bag of gold down on the table so hard that it cracks* I did some deliveries.
Merchant: But you were only gone a few seconds!
Scarlet: Yeah. So, anyway, I'll take those shades. Don't bother to wrap them.

Knives: Not a creature was stirring, because that would be silly. What would they stir? They aren't alchemists or cooks!

Yu: There are reasons to sneak away alone. Romancing the tentacle monster is not a good one.

Heal: OH MY CELESTIA IS THAT A BEAR AND A SHARK WHAT THEY HEY?!

Heal: One wish? I don't suppose wishing to set you free would endebt you towards me in gratitude?
Genie: What, and give up my real estate? In this housing market? And don't try that wish-for-more-wishes trick either. The lawyers will never finish with you.

Knives: Knives would like to equip her Knive, if it pleases the court

[AdmiralCheez]

Nadarr: What good is having Ice Breath if you don't use it to cool your beer?


Nadarr: How do you play chess across a 15-ft. wide table?
Tymorel: We both know Mage Hand.

[TurboGhast]

DM: Shoot, I didn't mean to say salt there.
Hemer: I guess you're salty about that?

[USS Sorceror]

Bard: So we're having wish sandwiches.
Fighter: What's a wish sandwich?
Bard: Now a wish sandwich is a kind of a sandwich, where you have to pieces of bread, and wish you had some meat in the middle.
Magus: Are they also serving Rubber Biscuits?

Bard: Didn't you learn? All you have to do is look at the fighter and point at the enemy.

[DigoDragon]

You're right. Getting the teenage girl some clothes before we get arrested is probably a better idea. :smalltongue:

Having been in that situation in an RP, yes, yes it is. XD
But that led to an an interesting adventure at the clothing store, so it was worth explaining to the police why she was naked. Not that they really understood the intricacies of polymorph spells.


Yu: There are reasons to sneak away alone. Romancing the tentacle monster is not a good one.

Knives: Knives would like to equip her Knive, if it pleases the court

Good times!


GM: “Don't you hate it when medical professionals sneak around and perform free surgery?”
Doc: “I'm not sure that there are any to the contrary in this campaign.”
GM: “Yet.”

Fan Knife: “Don't steal anything down there.”
Doc: “If we find it on the body of a squatter that attacked us, it's called loot, right?”

Fan Knife: “You've been here for a few hours and you're already getting ponies to do stuff for you.”
Viridia: “They call me Dawn 'cause I make them see the light.”

Fan Knife: “Finding your way around should be easier with the Pipbuck you stole.”
Moon: “I like to consider it a fine for shooting me.”
Fan Knife: *Silently gives Moon a flashlight*
Viridia: “Aww. Can't we do lightning ball?”
Fan Knife: “…what? Is it a drug or something?”

Viridia: “Lightning ball! You go up to the clouds, grab some lightning, and squeeze it into a ball shape. I used to play it with my mom.”
Fan Knife: “Did she throw it at you?”
Viridia: “Yeah! Helped me learn how to use some of that Pegasi voodoo in a way that wasn't...y'know, useless. You can't play it with Earth Ponies, though. They get a little frazzled.”
Fan Knife: “For reflex testing at school, they made us wear metal weights around our legs, and then they rented out a pegasus to shoot lightning at students from the sky, and if we got hit, we failed. Was it anything like that?”
Moon: “I get the feeling they were testing very different things with you.”

[goto124]

Fan Knife: “Don't steal anything down there.”
Doc: “If we find it on the body of a squatter that attacked us, it's called loot, right?”

It's a post-apocalyptic world, how did Fan Knife expect them NOT to steal anything not nailed down to the floor?


Fan Knife: “You've been here for a few hours and you're already getting ponies to do stuff for you.”
Viridia: “They call me Dawn 'cause I make them see the light.”

insert lesbian joke here


GM: “Don't you hate it when medical professionals sneak around and perform free surgery?”
Doc: “I'm not sure that there are any to the contrary in this campaign.”
GM: “Yet.”

The first thing that came to my mind should not be this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZ_RKPUkka8).

The 'male' Applejack is just Applejack's brother, painted to look like a male version of her. It was part of a scheme (https://youtu.be/YF6Eck2XMvo?t=3m7s) to make Twilight Sparkle look like she actually did powerful magic.


Fan Knife: “For reflex testing at school, they made us wear metal weights around our legs, and then they rented out a pegasus to shoot lightning at students from the sky, and if we got hit, we failed. Was it anything like that?”
Moon: “I get the feeling they were testing very different things with you.”

What type of pony is Fan Knife? What did Moon think was actually being tested, constitution? Humiliation?

[DigoDragon]

It's a post-apocalyptic world, how did Fan Knife expect them NOT to steal anything not nailed down to the floor?

I'm not sure what she expects. She's a prude teenaged ghoul ninja from another country.
That's at least four ways of different thinking compared to Doc right there.


The first thing that came to my mind should not be this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZ_RKPUkka8).

I... don't know how that was the first thing. :3


What type of pony is Fan Knife? What did Moon think was actually being tested, constitution? Humiliation?

Fan Knife is an earth pony. I believe Moon was assuming Fan Knife was taking ninja training with that description.

[Rater202]

Sarah: I'm too sober to deal with this and too young to get drunk enough to deal with it.

[goto124]

Sarah: I'm too sober to deal with this and too young to get drunk enough to deal with it.


https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/S/mediaservice.woot.com/bcc55eb2-3342-454b-870a-7da0f41cb6dd._SX368_.png

http://www.lifeintheanalogage.com/comics/2010-12-28-Drunk.gif

[SirBellias]

Aimon (Player): I really don't want to use this demon arm... I'm going to use my regular sword.
DM: But, but, but, just think of the POWER!
Vena (Player): Yeah, you're probably right. That thing is pretty scary. It can't be a good idea.
Aust (Player): You know, if you were to dual wield, I think great things will happen.
Kalan (Player): Please don't.

Vena (Player): I... think I'm going to try and cut it off.
Aimon (Player): WHAT? There's an orc right in front of us! Hit it, not me!
Vena (Player): Nah, I'll go for it.
DM: You still have superiority dice, right?
Aimon (Player): ... Yes. Are you really going to do this?
DM: I think it would try to defend itself, don't you?
Aimon (Player): I suppose so.
DM: Good. Riposte will work nicely.
Aimon (Player): That could kill her!
DM: Nah, I changed the death rules, remember?

*Some time later*
DM: Okay, out of character for a second. If you don't agree to keep the arm, you will die. Almost certainly.
Aimon (Player): Yeah, but I really don't think Aimon would do anything else.
Aust (Player): Some things are more important than living to tell the tale.
Vena (Player): Amen to that.
Aimon: Alright, I'll raise my head, and stare Hel in the eye. "Go **** yourself."
Aust (Player): ... Did that just happen?


DM: Alright. Back in the real world, all y'all clustered around Aimon's body see his arm and what looks like a large portion of the inside his torso dissolve into nothing. He's definitely dead.
Aust: So... ya think I banished it?
Vena: Not likely. (Player): OH MY GOD, I'M SO SAD!
Everyone: *Takes mementos from their fallen companion, holds a cremation ceremony. The whole shazam.*

Fin... Until next time. I have a bone to pick with a certain unholy dwarf.


Is it weird that we had a Dwarven cleric of good god get converted into a thrall of Hel? Maybe it's just a coincidence. He's not a vampire, at least.

[goto124]

What the Hel? :smalltongue:

[SirBellias]

What the Hel? :smalltongue:

Good times with killer DM's. Not that that's a bad thing, since we all agreed to play in a game much more lethal than it is now. My character now has one more person he really doesn't want to deal with but still owes a rather large debt to! Yay!

[Asmodean_]

DM: Speaking of wolf, how is badger doing?

Vergil: So the lesson here is don't bring a bassoon into battle, bring a shield. Especially if you're a skeleton and have no lungs.

Vergil: Does your badger have weapon proficiency in cannon?

Vergil: A TOAD IS NOT A RANGED WEAPON!

DM: He's got 28 hit points? Well now he's got 27 hit points!

DM: DIRE WEASELS CANNOT FLY!
Tristan: What is this discrimination against dire weasels? He can fly if he wants to!

[CrazyPenguin]

"I go to the Grinning Loin."

[Illven]

Michel (OOC) how magnanimous of you to volunteer her
Nicky (OOC) I know right

Chris (OOC) You managed to abuse and restrain a dragon
before smuggling it inside a hole in your pocket

Nicky "Can't Vichy prepare create water?"

Nicky (OOC) [We're in a desert it is reasonable to presume he's preparing create water. ]

Nicky (OOC) [Gods knows I couldn't with my glorious 2+int skill points on a charisma caster

Nicky "Nah, he decided to pick them at random. I think one's a hobo." Nicky adds sarcastically

Shiela "hey michel is that a person over there?"
Nicky "How did you see something before him?"
Michel "If she did, it must be a mirage..."

Nicky (OOC) [I don't think either of us speak camel.

Nicky (OOC) [Nicky barely has a gender]

Michel (OOC) "did we walk onto the set of The Mummy?"

Nicky (OOC) [Hey the necromancer has more charisma then you

NPC "I'm hoping you'll slow it down!"
Nicky (OOC) [so tempted to put an undead in their path ]

Michel (OOC) WE TRIED TO AVOID IT

Nicky (OOC) [troll me
[troll me. Or is this like the house situation

Michel (OOC) wait guys, I got it! We can totally do this!
We have two, count 'em TWO! flasks of alchemist's fire! That's totally enough to kill it!

Nicky "Oh no, it's almost like we're upset you're leaving us to die!"

Nicky (OOC) "Lord Zombie Jesus, please grant me the fire domain, and the divine spellcasting to put it too use, amen."

Michel (OOC) "it's one of the only smart things she's ever done"

Chris (OOC) "well, the troll skeleton and scorpion are getting pain, then"
Michel (OOC) we will shed manly tears for their faux sacrifice

Michel (OOC) if I grappled it, could I make grapple checks to force its own hand to touch itself

Michel (OOC) why the **** has SHE not helped this whole time?

[OctoberRaven]

Matilda: "I'll send to Albert and my father. 'About to confront Peren, pray for our safety.' And I'll add an 'I Love You' to my father's."
Kellie OOC: "Wow..."
Matilda OOC: "Albert's my betrothed, I don't have to love him."

Matilda: "Sending: 'There's a dragon coming your way, evacuate the town. Yes, seriously.'"

[Fumble Jack]

"I always kill at weddings!" Imp

[Beacon of Chaos]

More pony quotes.


Nagapon: Hsssss! I've got you pony!
Knives: Ha! Got your wallet!

And the whole time, bolts of magic energy flying from her horn in wide eyed panic, is Knives shrieking the battle cry of her people;
Knives: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Jackie: That was the strangest battle cry ever.
Knives: The C'Pon3s are a cowardly lot. Alternately, really into yodeling.

Knives' battle is interrupted by the sudden appearance of a pony, wearing a monocle and riding an alligator. Because really, that is certainly not something you expect to see every day.
Heal: Hullo, Knives! Have a bit of assistance! I'm off to see how Jackie is doing. Good luck!

Jackie: *The pegasus coughed up a lung full of water, squid ink, and a couple of her own feathers.* Ick, how did that get in thar?

Yu: Because, y'know the crab would need a bodybuilding montage before coming back for vengeance.

Knives: And then we all stab the poodle out of Princess Monster WifeMiniboss.
Jackie: The miniboss has a poodle inside? Dang, that is evil!

Scarlet: I know we were supposed to bring her back, but... she kinda smells, really bad. I'm sure the captain will understand.
Jackie: Arrr, I was half eaten by gelatin and then violated by a fish-smellin' tentacle monster. Her decapitated smell ain't nothin' I can't handle.

Nick Nack: Friendship is a powerful force, especially when packed tightly with black powder and a fuse.

Scarlet: These are a true warrior's weapons! I will slice and dice and shred evil into julienne pieces! HaHAH!

Knives: Could you imagine if I'd somehow missed my morning coffee? "Suddenly, America IN FLAMES" the news would say. Also, "Unicorns: Sighted and Real!" they would say. "Unicorn arsonist flees burning country, giggles like a leprechaun" they would say still more. it would have been a good news day.

Jackie: Scarlet, let me buy it off you. It ain't a real sword, but me left knee is telling me it'll be needed in our next venture. Here, I'll give ya 15 bits for it.
Yu: But, doesn't Jackie have two left knees? Which one does the telling?
Jackie: Arrr, that's on a knee to know basis! :smallwink:

[DigoDragon]

Jackie: *The pegasus coughed up a lung full of water, squid ink, and a couple of her own feathers.* Ick, how did that get in thar?

Nick Nack: Friendship is a powerful force, especially when packed tightly with black powder and a fuse.

Knives: Could you imagine if I'd somehow missed my morning coffee? "Suddenly, America IN FLAMES" the news would say. Also, "Unicorns: Sighted and Real!" they would say. "Unicorn arsonist flees burning country, giggles like a leprechaun" they would say still more. it would have been a good news day.

Jackie: Arrr, that's on a knee to know basis! :smallwink:

I'm literally crying because of how funny these were. Oh wow those were good times. ^^;
Thank you for the memories.


GM: “It's stealing from a dead guy, and desecrating dead bodies is a crime. However, because it's happening to Equestrians, Fan Knife doesn't really care.”
Doc: “Pretty sure the dead guy won't complain either.”
GM: “Fan Knife does care about the fact that the cleaning duty tends to fall to the youngest sibling, which is her. Don't make teenagers do more grunt work then you need to.”
Doc: “We'll try to keep the blood splatters from our murdering self-defense low, but no promises. If anyone in that basement tries to kill us then we'll have to kill them right back.”
GM: “Isn't Doc the one with the Good Natured trait?”
Doc: “Yeah. That's why the worst he'd do to an enemy is shoot them dead.”

Viridia: “Viridia got [River] the best deal possible that doesn't involve murdering the buyer's family. River should be able to make a shotgun out of sheer gratitude.”
GM: “Unfortunately, this isn't Exalted. However, I now have a character concept for that game.”

Viridia: “You people and your witchcraft ‘math’.”
GM: “For the purpose of the setting, the two are very close!”
Doc: “Interestingly, that is even true with some of the game mechanics. Speaking of mechanics, Doc versus a toaster (http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/digoraccoon/426506/56580/56580_original.png)!”
GM: “Toaster repair isn't a dump stat.”
Doc: “Hey, I offered to put points into toaster repair but you told me not to.”
Moon: “That's both sad and hilarious. At least it's just toasters, and not say, dishwashers.”

[goto124]

GM: “It's stealing from a dead guy, and desecrating dead bodies is a crime. However, because it's happening to Equestrians, Fan Knife doesn't really care.”
...
Doc: “Yeah. That's why the worst he'd do to an enemy is shoot them dead.”

This is the post-apocalyptic world, ponies!


GM: “Toaster repair isn't a dump stat.”
Doc: “Hey, I offered to put points into toaster repair but you told me not to.”

Wait, really? :smalltongue:

Also, I see you're trying out a shiny new art style! Literally!

[DigoDragon]

Wait, really? :smalltongue:

I pondered investing some points into the Repair skill, but the GM said not to as there are easy ways to get an NPC to repair stuff. Of course when I approached said NPCs they refused to do the work so I had to locate alternate NPCs for the job. :smalltongue:


Also, I see you're trying out a shiny new art style! Literally!

It's actually someone I commissioned back on my birthday. I got a few different artists to draw Doc fighting a toaster.

[TurboGhast]

DM: The sphere creature launches a wave of poison at you, make a Charisma saving throw.
Veit & Pepper: *Rolls*
DM: Veit, you barely save. *Rolls 3 damage dice* Pepper is instantly knocked out. *Rolls last 2 damage dice* You take 22 poison damage.
Viet: That was with the save? If I hadn't saved, that would have dropped me to 1 hp.
DM: *Reanalyzes creature's offensive CR* Wow, I under CR'd that creature a lot.

[geonova]

OOC: "Okay, so wrapping up; i'm braindead from a memory wipe, the duck's been killed after running over two dozen infrared workers, [player 1] is down a clone from the reckless driving, i'm the only one with perversity points left and we haven't even left Alpha Complex yet. Great session."

[bulbaquil]

From a Shadowrun game:

- "This is NOT Luigi's Mansion!"
- "But it could be!"

[DigoDragon]

- "This is NOT Luigi's Mansion!"
- "But it could be!"

I hope it wasn't. The weapons in that game... sucked. :smallbiggrin:

[comk59]

I hope it wasn't. The weapons in that game... sucked. :smallbiggrin:

*booing while applauding wildly*

[Yael]

World of Darkness, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure setting.

ST ''After trying to remember details on the shapeshifter's face, you remember he had some kind of twitch on his eyes, and he had difficulties focusing his view."
Guilermo ''That doesn't help.''
Cesar ''What do I remember?''
ST ''Roll Wits.''
* Rolls *
Cesar ''4 Successes.''
ST ''As Guillermo, but you also remember his pupils being more of an oval than a circle.''
Cesar ''I walk straight to the very first peasant I spot, and stare him straight into his eyes.
ST ''You... do. His eyes seem pretty normal to you.''
Cesar ''Next one!''
ST ''Do you realize that Oda Awa is actually a really big city? Are you planning on going person by person, checking?''
Cesar ''I'm still young, I'll take the penalty."

This happened yesterday.

Same game, same session.

Cesar And why am I supposed to pay the sunken car? Why was it my fault?
ST ''Because you were trying to drive top speed on a bridge the size of a car, and there was an L curve just ahead, not to mention your party members were trying to make you stop, but you wouldn't because you wore earphones while singing the My Little Pony intro theme.
Cesar Then I pose, and say out loud. ''This MUST be the work of an enemy stand!''

[TurboGhast]

DM: Next session: Tomorrow. It will be tomorrow next session.

Hemer: Wait, what? The dull grey Ioun stone requires caster level 12th to make and all it does is float around your head? THAT'S LESS USEFUL THAN THE BAG OF TRICKS! WHY ISN'T THAT MADE FUN OF INSTEAD OF THE BAG OF TRICKS?

[goto124]

It's actually someone I commissioned back on my birthday. I got a few different artists to draw Doc fighting a toaster.

Looks like Doc is...

Toast.

I'll see myself out.

[DigoDragon]

Looks like Doc is...

Toast.

*Snerk* Strangely he has better luck with toasters than I.
(True story: my actual toaster died the day I got one of these commissions in my email). XD


Hemer: Wait, what? The dull grey Ioun stone requires caster level 12th to make and all it does is float around your head? THAT'S LESS USEFUL THAN THE BAG OF TRICKS! WHY ISN'T THAT MADE FUN OF INSTEAD OF THE BAG OF TRICKS?

I know right?
Fun Encounter Idea of the Day: The party attends the birthday party of a wizard's son. The Wizard put dull gray Ioun stones in all the party bags for the kids.


DM: *Reanalyzes creature's offensive CR* Wow, I under CR'd that creature a lot.

:smalleek:


Ghoul: “World's still over, right? What's your business?”
Moon: “Hi! I'm here to spread the good word of our lord and savior, Celestia. Have you seen the light today?”

Doc: “I'd love to see that come in gun flavor.”

GM: “I have never been an 'early adopter' for most video games, because I like having food money.”

Ghoul: “If you're looking for control over life and death, the sidebar in the section about forbidden zebra shamanistic practices should help you with that. I wrote that bit, so if you have any questions, you're free to ask.”
Viridia: “Hey, I'm Viridia. I love what you're doing with your skin. You'll have to give me tips, if I ever end up dead.”
Ghoul: “Thank you. My secret is whisky and pills.”

[goto124]

Ghoul: “World's still over, right? What's your business?”
Moon: “Hi! I'm here to spread the good word of our lord and savior, Celestia. Have you seen the light today?”

A Celestia's Witness! Run for your lives!


Ghoul: “If you're looking for control over life and death, the sidebar in the section about forbidden zebra shamanistic practices should help you with that. I wrote that bit, so if you have any questions, you're free to ask.”

Is that a website on forbidden zebra shamanistic practices? And the ghoul wrote it? How old is this pony?

[Fable Wright]

Hemer: Wait, what? The dull grey Ioun stone requires caster level 12th to make and all it does is float around your head? THAT'S LESS USEFUL THAN THE BAG OF TRICKS! WHY ISN'T THAT MADE FUN OF INSTEAD OF THE BAG OF TRICKS?

Because at the end of the day, the Bag of Tricks is a cool guy. He laughs at your jokes, pulls some lame pranks, and is great at breaking the ice at parties. Sure, he's the butt monkey, but you know he's okay with it; at the end of the day, he'll still buy you a beer if you're feeling down.

The dull grey ioun stone is just a buzzkill and sits there staring at everyone until they feel awkward. You don't joke about guys like that, you just slowly edge out of the room.


Is that a website on forbidden zebra shamanistic practices? And the ghoul wrote it? How old is this pony?

No, no, it's a textbook. Textbooks have sidebars, too.

Mind you, getting the context from a course helps readability a lot, but I don't think any post-apocalyptic universities still offer FZS-463 anymore.

[comk59]

Had a new session last week. It was a doozie...

Sylvie: I hug the owlbear!

Taren (OOC): That's it, I'm stabbing every treasure chest we find, just out of principal.
Loren (OOC): Don't tell him about dopplegangers.

Dm: ... off in the distance, miles away, a drake circles the mountains.
Rulkrim (player's been distracted): A dragon? I charge it!

Dm: And at the base of the cliff, far below you, is the city Al-Mothgar.
Loren: We're going to drop the mountain on it.
Dm: Wait, the mountain you guys are on?
Loren: Natural 20!

[IntelectPaladin]

Alright, I've got a few more this round:

Me:"Look, I've been hit by a train,
landed on by a falling iron golem,
blasted off a cliff,
had to fight an entire ship's crew,
tossed into the underdark,
had to disguise myself as an orc,
single-handedly had to throw a gnome across an arena, and so on.
But I refuse to be the one to tell your wife you forgot her anniversary.
Messages like this. I mean, why waste the space? Besides, it's fun.
Me: She scares me.
His wife was a dragon, and yes, he was a bard. At least he stuck with her.
Thank you for reading this, and I hope you have a better day!
Also, I think it's high time I mentioned that I leave hidden messages in almost every post I make.

[eru001]

NPC: Hello, we are fishermen here to have a drink at the...
PC: LIKE HELL YOU ARE! POWER ATTACK!
Other PC: GUY'S STOP MURDERING RANDOM PEASANTS IN BOUTS OF SUSPICION! WE LITERALLY JUST FINISHED WITH OUR COURT MARTIAL FOR THIS EXACT THING!

[SpoonR]

I sit down and wait for my legs to grow back.

Who's there?
It's me.
*cue lots of gunfire*

You can't use my knee as a pencil sharpener!

[GrayGriffin]

Jericho: “Can you at least explain why you want me so bad?”
Harpy 2: “Well, originally, it was because he was a human male who looked hale and hearty. So that’s my type.”
Harpy 2: “Now, it’s because you want him. Which means he must be valuable and useful!”
Jemyn Temyta: “What am I, chopped liver?”
* Jemyn Temyta looks down at his (skeletal) hands.
Jemyn Temyta: “Oh right.”

[DigoDragon]

You can't use my knee as a pencil sharpener!

Dry, ashy knees are a common adventurer issue. :3


PC: LIKE HELL YOU ARE! POWER ATTACK!

Ah-hahahaha. I know that kind of player. XD


Mind you, getting the context from a course helps readability a lot, but I don't think any post-apocalyptic universities still offer FZS-463 anymore.

Most aren't even still accredited.


GM: “Strata has a character sheet now.”
Viridia: “Does Viridia's flirting have the secondary power of giving NPCs proper sheets, or do you decide some other way?”
GM: “This is the main modifier, yes. …Also, the likelihood that the party would try to kill them.”

GM: “They probably had sky jails or something.”
Doc: “I wonder if, after the war, the Enclave went around releasing the prison inmates by pulling the cloud floors out. I imagine, with unicorn horns locked down and pegasus wings shackled, that the number of pardons at the end was very low.”
Moon: “Sky Jails? No no no no no. Remember prewar Equestria were the good guys. They just had Pinkie Pie run asylums and reeducation camps.” :smallamused: :smallwink:

Moon: “Well something is coming...eventually. It's pretty slow.”
Doc: “Ain't moving very fast either.”

Strata: “What's your story, Mr. I Have Functioning Prescription Glasses?”
Doc: “Well, I'm a traveling physician from Manehattan, so it's Dr. I Have Functioning Prescription Glasses to my patients.”

Doc: “Personal experience tells me that the medical plan is better in the long run.”
GM: “Due to access to actual healing magic and a presumably benevolent civil service, Equestria presumably had generous medical programs during the war. Having a powerful branch of the government with major interest in advanced healing magics would only assist in that.”
Doc: “And yet no spell with an SPF rating of six billion [against nukes].”

[Beacon of Chaos]

I'm literally crying because of how funny these were. Oh wow those were good times. ^^;
Thank you for the memories.
No problem! Seems like Jackie and Knives got most of the good lines that game. There will be more to come eventually.


Who's there?
It's me.
*cue lots of gunfire*
I feel like this will happen to my group at some point. One character already got shot in the face just because he opened a door.

[goto124]

GM: “Strata has a character sheet now.”
Viridia: “Does Viridia's flirting have the secondary power of giving NPCs proper sheets, or do you decide some other way?”
GM: “This is the main modifier, yes. …Also, the likelihood that the party would try to kill them.”

There's an Oglaf comic strip called Cartomancy, where an oracle makes a visitor choose between only two tarot cards: The Lovers, and Death. Turns out this is the oracle's tactic to get herself laid.


Strata: “What's your story, Mr. I Have Functioning Prescription Glasses?”
Doc: “Well, I'm a traveling physician from Manehattan, so it's Dr. I Have Functioning Prescription Glasses to my patients.”

But are the Functioning Prescription Glasses magic?

[DigoDragon]

No problem! Seems like Jackie and Knives got most of the good lines that game. There will be more to come eventually.

I look forward to more! :D
Knives became something else later in this adventure. Like a... demigod of cutlery. And bass.


There's an Oglaf comic strip called Cartomancy, where an oracle makes a visitor choose between only two tarot cards: The Lovers, and Death. Turns out this is the oracle's tactic to get herself laid.

Huh, that's one way to work the system.



But are the Functioning Prescription Glasses magic?

I wish. :smalltongue:

[ZeroGear]

(In the original FA:E, being a toaster repair pony meant something vastly different)

Vick: "So, how are we going to ambush the drake?"
Xaltaer: "I hear they like maidens?"
Lance: *Pulls out a pink dress* "Terra, here, put this on!"
Terra: "Why? Also, I don't think that'll fit."
Lance: "Don't worry, it's enchanted to change size."
Samson: "Why do you even have that?"
Lance: "Got it from a costume shop after I won an invitation to a party on Booty Island. Would have gone well if the damned mutt hadn't sniffed out all the stuff I stole while there."

Sanson: "So, how are we getting into the camp?"
Vick: "Same way we got into the castle."
Lance: "Won't work. We don't have a ballista."
Vick: "No, but we have Thud."
Lance: "...dammit."

Thud: "Thud find this strange. Thud used to throwing rocks, not little man."
Xaltaer: "Well, he's got rock for brains."
Lance: "HEY!"

Vick: So the plan is to throw Lance over the wall and have him unlock the gate from the inside.
DM: Let me get my chart of 'objects characters can hit'.
Vick: ...you have a chart for that?

Thud: *throws Lance over the wall*
DM: *rolls dice* according to the chart, Lance lands in a wagon full of hay.
Thud: "Thud have good aim!"

Hobgoblin guard: "Hey! What are you doing here?"
Lance: :Uh...Hey Look! A three-headded monkey!" *Nat 20 bluff*
Hobgoblin: "Where?" *turns around*
Lance: *runs*
DM: I can't believe that actually worked.

[Beacon of Chaos]

From tonight's session:

Edward (OOC): *upon arriving late* I'm not dead!
Later...
GM: This is the first time I've killed anyone this campaign.
Edward (Dead): I'm so pleased for you. Congratulations.

GM (at least once a session): You realise now that this may not have been your best plan.

Edward: Let the record state: Balls.

GM: Josephine is getting ready for dinner with the creepy prince, Edward is being attacked, what are you up to, Scamp?
Scamp: I'm at the party having the time of my life!
Josephine: Are you boozing it up without us?
Scamp: I'm twelve, I don't think they'd let me drink.
GM: No, no, this is France, it's fine.
Scamp: Well in that case I'll have some of that gluvine!

Jospehine: I bet they're building some sort of Frankenstein's musician.
Scamp: Ugh.
Edward: I hope not.
Later...
GM: You now realise what's been bothering you about the automatons' eyes: They're not made of glass like the rest; they're real.
All: Ah, crap.

GM: As the automaton attemps to throw you out of the window, you notice a fancy car has pulled up outside.
Josephine: Yes. That is definitely my most pressing concern right now. What kind of car they have.

[DigoDragon]

GM: You now realise what's been bothering you about the automatons' eyes: They're not made of glass like the rest; they're real.

Now that is a cool-creepy reveal!! :D


(In the original FA:E, being a toaster repair pony meant something vastly different)

Oh?


Thud: "Thud have good aim!"

Lance: :Uh...Hey Look! A three-headded monkey!" *Nat 20 bluff*

I love when the dice play along to make the narrative shine like awesome. :D

Strata: “So, what are you going to do if there's ponies slumming it down here? Will you make them move out, or will you just kill them and take their stuff?”
Doc: “Well, those ideas are probably our Plan A and Plan B, respectively.”

GM: “You could hit two birds with one stone, and then have those two birds resurrected to torment your enemies by having the undead avians pelt rocks at them.”
Doc: “Um... sure, I'll put ‘Acquire Zombie Crows’ on the list of considerations for later.”

GM: “If it's closer to Manehatten, it would certainly make Choro's travels up to this point less roundabout.”
Choro: “Hey, it’s not Choro's fault she was trying to find her way with the old show map! (It was mine, as her player, but still).”

Viridia: “Dibs on the knife. Martha needs a friend who understands her.”

GM: “Oh, and happy Father's Day, Doc.”
Viridia: “I didn't know you were Doc’s son, GM.”
Doc: “If he is, then I'm really behind on his birthday presents.”

[goto124]

(In the original FA:E, being a toaster repair pony meant something vastly different)

Like a snake herder (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CsriRRVkiw), I presume?


Strata: “So, what are you going to do if there's ponies slumming it down here? Will you make them move out, or will you just kill them and take their stuff?”
Doc: “Well, those ideas are probably our Plan A and Plan B, respectively.”

Will they refer to Plan B as Murder the Hobos? *bam dum tss*


Viridia: “Dibs on the knife. Martha needs a friend who understands her.”

What is Martha Stewart doing here? :o

[Fable Wright]

Like a snake herder (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CsriRRVkiw), I presume?

Connotations significantly closer to a 'plumber'. In at least three different ways. Save the kingdom, your go-to fake job when asked why you're loitering, and the connotation that first jumped to Digo's head.

[DigoDragon]

Will they refer to Plan B as Murder the Hobos? *bam dum tss*

Hee hee. Cookie for that one. :3


What is Martha Stewart doing here? :o

*snerk* Decorating better homes and gardens. :smalltongue:
Nah, Martha is the name of Viridia's switchblade. She's started to collect the fancy edged implements. Ones with names are particularly valuable (and might have bonus abilities!)


Save the kingdom, your go-to fake job when asked why you're loitering, and the connotation that first jumped to Digo's head.

I'm guilty of at least two of those.

[AdmiralCheez]

Mordai: I can't wait to see something come out of that hole!


Julio: How gobbled am I?
DM: Remember that scene in Men in Black?


Mordai: Let's steal the ice giant egg!
DM: An ice giant egg would probably just hatch an uncomfortably tall dwarf, now that I think about it.


Mordai: Let's give it a wide girth!
Finley: I think it already has a wide girth.
DM: I was looking for a way to twist that around; thank you.


DM: Goatillery.

[DigoDragon]

DM: Goatillery.

Hee hee. DM said goat.


Viridia: “I wonder if there's anything good in these old desks that we never really check. Probably just boring files about life before **** went down, but you just know somepony's hiding some Gentleponies' Special Interests magazines in their office.”
Strata: “Ah, 'Gentleponies'. Good to see that ponies today still have open minds.”
Viridia: “Sure do. Lots of 'em are eager to open your mind, too.” (mimics the action of loading a rifle)

Doc: “Blackmail needs a good bit of research and setup to make it profitable. Thus far robbery and murder seem like easier investments.”

Viridia: “Also, since when does taking a nap hide you from the Pipbuck? Andante isn't hidden.”
GM: “There are three possibilities as to why-”
Picard: “There are FOUR REASONS.”
GM: “-as to why Viridia's coming up as two people in one place; a breezie hiding in Viridia's hair is of them, but she isn't the reason in this case.”
Viridia: “Whut. I only know of Andante and the voice in Viridia's head.”
Moon: “Well that counts as two people. There we go.”

Strata: “Hey, I'm getting a buzz.” *proceeds to stare at the potted plant for a solid thirty seconds*
Doc: “While Buzz Ghouldrin is in orbit, I’ll go unlock the other five offices. If anyone wants to prospect for useful goods, feel free.”
Choro: “Sure! I'm here to help. Should I be looking for anything in particular?”
Strata: “Drugs, you should find drugs.”
Choro: “Okay!” *Trots into an office and rummages around*
[Beat]
Choro: *Comes back out* “What do drugs look like? Boxes or something? Just pills?”

[OctoberRaven]

"And then I'll start eating the angel's heart right there."

"Fly like an angel! Don't worry, after this, I'll have reached my daily protein!"

[KnotKnormal]

Terkin: I'm only going to tell you this once. Take off, my pants.

Corvin: Haven't you people ever heard of, closing the god damn door? *slams door* some people have no poise or rationality.

Aiden: Is he wearing a red shirt?

Terkin: Is there any way to appeal the court decision against him?
NPC: unfortunately no.
Corvin: I am curious, what route does the prison bus usually take?
NPC: I'm not sure i like where that question is headed
Terkin: on an unrelated note. How well is the prison staffed?

[Beacon of Chaos]

Knives: As they say, it was not in the cards. Except, you know, it was. Because, literal cards. But you get it.

Merchant: I take it you're not the technical type of pony. How much experience do you have with tesla-powered objects?
Jackie: Well, I once threw a pair o' goggles at a friend from across a canal filled with tentacles.

Yu Every Adventurer Ever: I'll just rush ahead into danger, since there aren't any consequences to my actions right now!

Yu: Yeah, I hope we never meet that [trap].
Jackie: Shhh! The cards can hear you! :smalltongue:

Knives The Princess Cutlery Du'Pony III: *grinning like a madpony* I'm a Princess~!
Jackie: What's a princess? Is that like a captain's private wench?
Knives The Princess Cutlery Du'Pony III: What? No! Well, maybe, actually, but No! A princess is a captain's captain! An Admiral! A rear admiral, that is, an admiral of plots, because they are the ones to get the wenches! oh, um. That is... Do you not read literature?

Narration: The floor disappeared. This frustrated Scarlet immensely, as it was the kind of problem you couldn't stab, shoot, or punch away.

Jackie: Come on, Science Sword! Our princess is in another kraken!

Jackie: Phew! If it weren't for Science, that might have been a pickle.

[Asmodean_]

Amnestria: Many things like nom nom
So writing her as this harebrained is completely justified (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?481648-The-One-Sane-Drow)

Tristan (on sex reassignment surgery): Also do you think the zombies do it on the NHS?
DM: Damned zombies coming over here and taking all our jobs!

Vergil: ...unless the owl falls over and turns into a horse.

Tristan (5th level fighter): It's almost as if I'm not a spellcaster.

Vergil: I can't believe you're turning me into a missing-with-scorching-ray hipster!
DM: ...what?
Vergil: This necromancer is missing everything with his scorching rays. I've been doing that for days before it was cool?
DM: It's literally a line of fire. It's never cool.

[DigoDragon]

"And then I'll start eating the angel's heart right there."

Eww. At least cook it first. O.o


Terkin: on an unrelated note. How well is the prison staffed?

Unrelated you say? Hmmm. :smallamused:


Jackie: Well, I once threw a pair o' goggles at a friend from across a canal filled with tentacles.

The lack of context makes this one a gem. XD


Vergil: ...unless the owl falls over and turns into a horse.

...that sounds very inconvenient.


Doc: “The most difficult part of Doc's strange spirit roadie is that the only other person to have seen it is a drug addict who isn't even sure his own hooves exist or have been replaced with lobsters.”

GM: “Choro's listening to an earth pony and pegasus talk about how unicorns are OP, plz nerf.”
Doc: “That's not correct. The earth pony and pegasus are discussing how they want in on the fancy spellcasting.”
Moon: “Moonshadow would be all about pegasus pride if she were there, but she's too busy playing Metal Gear Solid, The Phantom Pony.”

Viridia: “I've mostly been focusing on opportunities to interrogate Ghoul Waifu #2.”
Moon: “Is Fan Knife, or Stitcheart #1?”
Viridia: “Fan Knife. Although her title is Knaifu.”

Moon: “And there aren't exactly a lot of lampreys in the sky.”

Viridia: “Just so I know, what are the plot hooks we have hanging right now? As in, urgent things? We've got the squatters thing, and the emergency in Oakvile...”
Moon: “The research Stitcheart wants us to pick up. The Meat Factory. Whatever is haunting Doc.”
GM: “Hauntings are a bit more long term, alas.”
Doc: “So what kind of dark powers would Doc have gotten if he accepted the pact? Force lightning? Second Sight? The ability to program the clock on a VCR?”

[Illven]

Before DM is even there.

Michel (OOC) damnit, shiela

Michel (OOC) does he actually do anything either way?

Michel (OOC) It's a bull**** elemental

Nicky (OOC) HOW DARE YOU FEED YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY LATE GM!

Nicky (OOC) I can move three creatures, faster then the GM moves one

Chris (OOC) it's only obscene because none of you were prepared for such a fight
Chris (OOC) I made sure of that
Nicky (OOC) That's terrible dm'ing

Michel (plot twist: it was the camels!)
Chris (GM): The whirlwind leans towards the carriage and arms reach out at the camels.
Michel omg, I called it...? what?!

Michel "Yeah, they're actually Lame-ias"

Michel "Are we taking her alive? I feel like our prisoner count is already taxing enough"

Lamia "shiela be a dear and kill the loudmouth for me"
Shiela (OOC) "No that will kill me."

[bulbaquil]

GM: "Oh, crap, now I have to remember your shadows exist. I have to remember for a really long time. And now they are shadows with guns."

Rogue: "I don't think he's thinking with portals."
Wizard: "I don't think I'm thinking."
GM: "...So you just come out of the hole like a normal person."

[goto124]

Eww. At least cook it first. O.o

I doubt anyone with the [something] to eat hearts cares about cooking them first :smalltongue:


Doc: “The most difficult part of Doc's strange spirit roadie is that the only other person to have seen it is a drug addict who isn't even sure his own hooves exist or have been replaced with lobsters.”

The one with creepy red eyes that gave -1 Luck?


Viridia: “I've mostly been focusing on opportunities to interrogate Ghoul Waifu #2.”
Moon: “Is Fan Knife, or Stitcheart #1?”
Viridia: “Fan Knife. Although her title is Knaifu.”

There're already two Ghoul Waifus!


Doc: “So what kind of dark powers would Doc have gotten if he accepted the pact? Force lightning? Second Sight? The ability to program the clock on a VCR?”

What's a VCR? *googles* WHAT IS THIS OLD TECHNOLOGY?

[DigoDragon]

Michel "Yeah, they're actually Lame-ias"

Classic lame pun is classic. :3


GM: "...So you just come out of the hole like a normal person."

I don't know why I laughed as loud as I did.
Or what to tell my friend who is wondering why I laughed that loudly. :smallredface:


The one with creepy red eyes that gave -1 Luck?

Yeah, that creature. Apparently it's still following Doc, though it hasn't been making its presence known for quite some time (thankfully). Doc has almost forgotten about it. He just met another shaman though, and this one isn't drug-addled, so maybe he'll get some more info soon about it.


What's a VCR? *googles* WHAT IS THIS OLD TECHNOLOGY?

Well now I feel dated. XD

[goto124]

He just met another shaman though, and this one isn't drug-addled, so maybe he'll get some more info soon about it.

Just when I thought drug addlement was a requirement for shamanism..

[DigoDragon]

Just when I thought drug addlement was a requirement for shamanism..

Well, the second shaman is deathly skinny so... don't toss your headcanon out yet. We could be surprised. XD

[Grim Portent]

I doubt anyone with the [something] to eat hearts cares about cooking them first :smalltongue:

I eat hearts on occasion, venison mostly. They're very nice, surprisingly tender. They taste like Bambi's tears. :smallbiggrin:

[ElFi]

The entire exchange between Patrick and Dr. Lao, honestly, but especially these two sections:

Dr. Lao: Senator put on your file that you have "violent tendencies". Mr. Esposito, tell me, do you enjoy violence?
Patrick: Well, um... I'm not exactly a fan of the bad guys, y'know, surviving.

Patrick: Would you be willing to talk further over dinner?
Dr. Lao: Patrick, I'll have you know that I'm married.
Patrick: Well...
Dr. Lao: Happily married.
Patrick: ...I see.

#

GM: The fact that I have you guys deliberating for so long over whether or not to open a door shows that I've done my job as a GM.

#

GM: Wait, so did Aidan just take off his towel?
Aidan (OOC): Yep. Should I make a roll to determine how... attractive he is, below the waist?
GM: Sure?
Aidan (OOC): *rolls relatively well*
Troy (OOC): Aw, geez, man!
GM: Alright, so Troy's trying his hardest to look away, while Nick's just staring at it and thinking "daaaaaang".

[ZeroGear]

Crazed Alchemist: "Eat lemons, sourpuss!"
Vick: "He's throwing lemons at us?"
Lance: "Seems kinda weak to me."
DM: As you say that, one of the lemons hits a barrel a few feet away...then explodes."
Samson: "...he's got EXPLODING lemons?"
Xaltaer: "What kind of madman are we dealing with?"


Barron Valim: "Hello my friends! So glad you answered my summons. Come, we have much to discuss."
Lance: "How much are you guys willing to bet he's going to stab us in the back when we're done?"

*Later*

Newly crowned King Valim: "Ah, my friends, how are you all?"
Samson: "Kinda stuck actually. Think you could throw us a rope so we can get out of this dungeon?"
Valim: "Yeah, about that: now that I'm king, I have control over all of the army. Thus, I now have trained warriors to do all of my tasks for me. So, I don't really need you guys anymore."
Lance: "I CALLED IT!"
Vick: "So this is the part where he kills us?"
Valim: "And this is the part where I kill you." *Pulls lever*
DM: You all hear the grinding of gears as part of the wall above you starts sliding up.
Valim: "Though, as a reward for helping me, I'll let you in on a secret: you might be able to survive if you run fast enough."
DM: Now you all hear a rumbling sound akin to something large rolling down a hill. Also, it's getting louder.
Lance: *to DM* I really hate you right now.

[Fable Wright]

Just when I thought drug addlement was a requirement for shamanism..

It's a shortcut. Much more common in post-apocalyptia given how hard it is to string together years of mental discipline when it's a challenge to eat another day, but it does not end in a happy path. This is a big part of the reason shamans are rare in the Fallout Equestria universe, despite the advantages that visions and spirit binding offer. Disclaimer: Headcanon. Logical and based in reality, but still headcanon.

The things you learn in FZS-463...

[TurboGhast]

Lia: Elven Neutral Evil Sorcerer
Hemer: Human Lawful Evil Necromancer Wizard
(Not stating game system)


DM: This would have happened even if you had killed the shopkeeper.
Lia, to Hemer: Why didn't you let me kill him?
Hemer: Killing him was an unnecessary risk!

Lia: I forgot I had a snake familiar.
Hemer: This is why Blackwing fades in and out of existence.
DM: Your snake familiar appears right next to you.

Hemer: I read the letter to my familiar, who is on my shoulder.
DM: *Adds a line to the top of the H that denotes Hemer's position on the map.* Your familiar is on the map now.

Threatening letter: The King has been notified of your treachery, and about that doctor you're working for.
Hemer: I think it's time for a checkup.

Hemer: I an the ultimate tank: I tank, and then I can summon things to tank for me.

[Telonius]

Mark E Moo (crazy Monk): (makes an awful performance of hand-puppet singing)
Mysterious Voice from the Darkness: That was terrible!
Cassandra (Cleric of Olidammara): Would you prefer a better performance?

DM: I really thought you guys were going to attack the werewolf.
Cassandra: It's good to make friends!

[DigoDragon]

Strata: “The appeal of being in forbidden cults never really caught on in this country; the only real cults of Nightmare Moon that ever existed were restricted to bat ponies.”
Viridia: “Do you know whether those cults had any symbols of rank, like, say, ugliness? Because I met this one Priestess of Nightmare Moon who was really ugly. Like...haunting. She looked like an avocado that had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. Not gently. Like, it was hateful. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis they could find without violence.”

Viridia: “You don't see a band of Earth Ponies strutting around in charge because they can lift up a piano.”
Strata: “I would have thought that would be a very useful skill, up there.”

Viridia: “But, it's like, unicorn magic is really sweet. They can shoot fire out of their faces, move things without touching them, make force fields, and stuff. And all Pegasi get is flying, which Unicorns can copy so what even, and making wind go faster. And Earth Ponies don't even get that! Their magic is believing in themselves or whatever.”

Strata: “Now see, that's stupid, because that's earth pony magic. Earth ponies have the strongest constitutions on the planet, and have a natural knack at working with most material objects. They live the longest, too.”
Doc: “I wouldn't consider having a strong constitution magical. More just evolution cause we can't fly out of danger or conjure up a magical shield. We just kind of... well, take it.”

[goto124]

Viridia: “But, it's like, unicorn magic is really sweet. They can shoot fire out of their faces, move things without touching them, make force fields, and stuff. And all Pegasi get is flying, which Unicorns can copy so what even, and making wind go faster. And Earth Ponies don't even get that! Their magic is believing in themselves or whatever.”

I've always wondered about Earth Pony magic. At least pegasi can do weather magic, solidify clouds and make lightning balls and such. Earth ponies get... wot?

[Asmodean_]

I've always wondered about Earth Pony magic. At least pegasi can do weather magic, solidify clouds and make lightning balls and such. Earth ponies get... wot?

They can turn earth solid....... Waaaaaaiiiit...

[DigoDragon]

I've always wondered about Earth Pony magic. At least pegasi can do weather magic, solidify clouds and make lightning balls and such. Earth ponies get... wot?

They can turn earth solid....... Waaaaaaiiiit...

LOL! Strata says earth pony "magic" is having strong constitutions, but Doc argues that it's less magical and more mundane hardiness.

The part about being able to work with any material might be true-- The game rules say that earth ponies can sub their special talent for any skill check in designing/building something if the object being made is related to their talent. In Doc's case, any kind of medical-related device. So maybe that's the magic (nothing spectacular like flying or spellcasting, but if we get some downtime and materials together)...

[Inevitability]

Viridia: “Do you know whether those cults had any symbols of rank, like, say, ugliness? Because I met this one Priestess of Nightmare Moon who was really ugly. Like...haunting. She looked like an avocado that had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. Not gently. Like, it was hateful. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis they could find without violence.”

Deadpony?

Dammit, now I want a picture of that.

[ZeroGear]

Viridia: “Do you know whether those cults had any symbols of rank, like, say, ugliness? Because I met this one Priestess of Nightmare Moon who was really ugly. Like...haunting. She looked like an avocado that had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. Not gently. Like, it was hateful. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis they could find without violence.”



Happy Women's Appreciation Day Viridia.

[TurboGhast]

Varis: I notify the King that the mission I went on ended in the city I was in going crazy, and that on the way back I found a legendary army that I'm going to need help taking on.

(Slightly paraphrased due to inexact memory.)

[USS Sorceror]

GM: Upon closer inspection, what you thought were cobblestones are actually body parts.
Bard: Now how did we confuse those two?

GM: This thing has the same AC as the floor.

GM: So what are you doing?
Fighter: -sings- I've got to break free-ee!

[DigoDragon]

Dammit, now I want a picture of that.

Of Deadpony or the avocados? O.o


Cassandra (Cleric of Olidammara): Would you prefer a better performance?

Uh, yes please? :smalltongue:


Hemer: I an the ultimate tank: I tank, and then I can summon things to tank for me.

Yo dawg, I heard you like tanks...


Choro: “Wait... how do you not know what an alicorn is?! I... what?”
Viridia: “I kinda know. Super special ponies, like what would happen if you had an Earth Pony, a Unicorn, and a Pegasus, and they fused together to become some kind of Neighponi mecha-creation.”

Doc: “By the way, was Andante feeling alright when she gave you the sweater? When she went to get drunk?”
Viridia: “She was being a *itch. So, yeah, she was fine.”

GM: “[The creature] was a pony wearing a green nurse’s uniform that was splattered with reddish-brown stains; its face was almost entirely covered by a thick layer old bloody gauze that stopped only around the jaw. It held its head out lowly, and its back was arched in an angle that was almost certainly incredibly painful.”
Viridia: “Have you seen a little filly? Short, black mane. She just turned seven last month...”
Doc: “Like residency at Alchemilla all over again.”

GM: “The nurse didn't seem to notice Doc taking its weapon, content at eating out of Viridia's hooves.”
Viridia: “There y'go.” (*smiles at the gauze-covered ghoul*)
Doc: “Even death don't stop mares eating out of her hooves. Hey Fan Knife, can we keep her? She followed us home.”

Doc: “I’ll lock the weapon away in the office here.”
Strata: “Oh yeah, hide the big club in a place with zombies in it.”
Doc: *Glances at Strata’s single good eye and shrugs* “Well, you know, hindsight is twenty.”

[goto124]

Doc: “By the way, was Andante feeling alright when she gave you the sweater? When she went to get drunk?”
Viridia: “She was being a *itch. So, yeah, she was fine.”

Sweaters can give you quite an itch... :smalltongue:

[Braininthejar2]

Marcus: Get out of here, you quack.

Doctor: You can't fire me. I'm a co-owner of the hospital.

Marcus: (pulls a bag of gold out of the bag of holding). Here is your share. Now, get the F*&^ out.

[OctoberRaven]

Eww. At least cook it first. O.o


I doubt anyone with the [something] to eat hearts cares about cooking them first :smalltongue:


Context
Basically, demons wanted the heart to put an angel back together to sacrifice it to bring apart the end of the world and were only missing the angel's heart. The group walked into what they realized as a trap, so their plan went from "secure the heart on route to bringing back the angel to put on our side" to "crap, we need to destroy this heart". The heart also had healing abilities, so the group reasoned that ingesting it might actually restore the character's sanity (nWoD 2.0 Hunter with homebrew angels; character in question was Integrity 1 and actually suspended from TF:V because of it). It actually worked, too!

So yeah, probably the only time a PC ate an angel's heart raw in a non-evil campaign.

[comk59]

First superhero campaign, and it was... interesting.

Dm: But, suddenly the Frankenführer crashes through the wall, wielding a tank as a club!

Obsidian: Actually, my superhero name is going to be glass house!

Red Menace: Damn you grappling hook!

Glass House: I throw him off the roof! Armor protects against gravity, right?

Spook: Yes, I have a power that makes me batman.

Glass House: Actually, my name is going to be Black Glass!

Red Menace: For the last time, I am not a communist!

Black Glass: Thankfully I'm fireproof.
Dm: The people you're carrying aren't.

Black Glass: You know what? My superhero name is Black Mirror.

Red Menace: Driving a car and a helicopter is practically the same thing, right?

Black Mirror: What do you mean plasma isn't fire?!

Dm: As the smoke clears, you see a glowing ring-
Red Menace: That (please do not swear) Winter Soldiered us!

[digiman619]

Crazed Alchemist: "Eat lemons, sourpuss!"
Vick: "He's throwing lemons at us?"
Lance: "Seems kinda weak to me."
DM: As you say that, one of the lemons hits a barrel a few feet away...then explodes."
Samson: "...he's got EXPLODING lemons?"
Xaltaer: "What kind of madman are we dealing with?"

He runs a lab that started as bathroom fixtures company, and had some trouble with moon dust...

[Necroticplague]

"Mad science isn't easy work. Mad science on a budget is even more so. Just to start, pick two of safe, ethical, or fast. Then hope to live with the results later."

[DigoDragon]

Marcus: (pulls a bag of gold out of the bag of holding). Here is your share. Now, get the F*&^ out.

Huh, well never let it be said that Marcus isn't at least fair. Unless this is a modern day campaign, which might make flags happen if the doctor attempts to cash out a bag of gold. :3


Black Glass: Thankfully I'm fireproof.
Dm: The people you're carrying aren't.

Whoops. XD


"Mad science isn't easy work. Mad science on a budget is even more so. Just to start, pick two of safe, ethical, or fast. Then hope to live with the results later."

Hee hee, that's a good one.

Viridia: “Surprised that Strata and Doc aren't getting along. Has this happened before?”
GM: “Strata started being awful to him first, if it means anything. There's a half-decent reason for it, as well (the other half is pettiness).”
Viridia: “Is the good reason the fact that he's not a gorgeous blonde?”

Strata: “Where's the short pegasus?”
Viridia: “She's padfooting about. And her name is Moonshadow. Likes to be called Moonylicious, though.”

Strata: “With magic, if you have a square peg and a round hole, you just have to keep slamming the peg into the hole until it fits. That's just the magical process.”

Strata: “Let's keep on trucking so we can track down those guys you're here to murder.”
Viridia: “We literally just gave food to Nurse Warhammer so we didn't have to kill her. If we were murderers, we'd be the worst murderers ever.”
Strata: “I'm not talking about the dead ponies who are still dead, I'm talking about the living ponies who need to be ‘removed’ from the premises. I thought that was doublespeak for skull-capping them.”
Doc: “If murder was the double-speak meaning of removing folks from the basement, you wouldn't be standing here complaining about it.”
Strata: “Yeash, way to make murder not a cheerful group activity.”

GM: “If Stitchheart could use Fan Knife's rampant hatred of everything around her to power something, she probably would have done so already.”

[goto124]

Viridia: “Is the good reason the fact that he's not a gorgeous blonde?”

One of my PCs was a gorgeous blond. He was mistaken for a lady by a different PC, who fell in love with him. And then he BECAME a lady... it was kind of weird.


Viridia: “Likes to be called Moonylicious, though.”

I checked, the word "Moonylicious" didn't even appear until the above happened :smallbiggrin:

Also, you missed this bit (if I'm not wrong, higher numbers are worse?):

Viridia: I WILL MAKE HER BELIEVE IT.

(1d100)[92] vs 5000

DM: Strata looked like she believed it. Actually, she didn't seem especially surprised.


Viridia: “Nurse Warhammer

Who, who? *looks around*


GM: “If Stitchheart could use Fan Knife's rampant hatred of everything around her to power something, she probably would have done so already.”

There's an SMBC comic about this, if only I could find it...

[DigoDragon]

One of my PCs was a gorgeous blond. He was mistaken for a lady by a different PC, who fell in love with him. And then he BECAME a lady... it was kind of weird.

Seemed like an entertaining kind of weird at least.



Who, who? *looks around*

The ghoul nurse with the head bandages and that large rebar club.

[goto124]

Seemed like an entertaining kind of weird at least.

Oh yes it was, especially when another lady joined the weirdness and suddenly there were three people involved in a thing, if you know what I mean... :smallamused:


The ghoul nurse with the head bandages and that large rebar club.

What's a rebar club? *googles* It's literally a brick of concrete atop a bunch of pipes. Still, glad it exists only in Fallout (as opposed to real life :smalleek:).


Strata: “With magic, if you have a square peg and a round hole, you just have to keep slamming the peg into the hole until it fits. That's just the magical process.”

Sounds really painful...

[Inevitability]

Dm: But, suddenly the Frankenführer crashes through the wall, wielding a tank as a club!

I'm not entirely sure if context would make this any less weird.

[ZeroGear]

Strata: “With magic, if you have a square peg and a round hole, you just have to keep slamming the peg into the hole until it fits. That's just the magical process.”


No wonder love produces such a high amount of magic. And that also explains why changelings enjoy feeding off it so much.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Edward: We are now armed to the teeth with champagne.

GM: You notice a girl looking out of the window in the next carriage.
Falmeer: It's your time to be gallant and rescue the damsel, Scamp!
Scamp: Ugh, girls!

Edward: We're right back where we started. We're making progress!

GM: You're eating the Human League's food?
Dante: It's strategy. We're weakening them.

GM: You are now carrying yourself.

GM: The good news is your attack kills him.
John: Awesome!
GM: The bad news is, your knife strikes metal. Specifically the part being used to generate electricty. Take 3d10 damage.

Emily: You're not stealing my clothes, are you?
Falmeer: We're... checking them for booby traps?

Dante: I want to punch the 14 year old girl in the face. Is that okay?

John: *Attempts to punch the 14 year old girl*
Dante: Awww, but I wanted to do that!

Dante: *Attempts to punch the 14 year old girl*
Dante: *Misses*

GM: You are basically getting your butts kicked by Hermione Granger.

Edward: Are there any soldiers left?
GM: Two of them you threw off a moving train, one you incinerated, and the other is dead with his guts all over the floor.
Edward: We're not good at this whole 'hero' thing, are we?

John: I'll go invisible!
Edward: Finally! The one time this would actually help us!

Edward: Can I use my powers to stop him?
GM: Yes...
Edward: Okay! *picks up dice*
GM: But you are rolling 3 fewer dice...
Edward: Okay.
GM: And the remaining die is a 1.
Edward: ...Oh.

John: I could use my tommy gun on her?
Josephine: Remember the part where we're trying not to kill her?
John: Oh... really?

Alice: Sister?
Josephine: I'm sorry about this. *punches Alice's head clean off*

[Taet]

P2: Thanks, but I don't drink. :smallsmile:
P3: Guess who I'm playing! :smallwink:
P2: I need to be drunk for this. :smallsigh:

P4: And who are you playing?!
P2: If I'm about to get reamed, and from everything I've read, I am, I'm at least going to enjoy myself. :smallyuk:


P3: He tells the fire "no" and it refuses to burn him. :smallwink:
P2: You're playing Commander Badass! :smalleek:

Not part of the game: Who's she playing this time?
P4: Fabio. :smallcool:
P3: :smallannoyed:

P3: He tells the bullet "no" and it stops in midair. :smallbiggrin:

P2: My poor chihuahua is shaking in terror at the big scary man who just took his shirt off. :smalleek:

Doc: “I’ll lock the weapon away in the office here.”
Strata: “Oh yeah, hide the big club in a place with zombies in it.”
Doc: *Glances at Strata’s single good eye and shrugs* “Well, you know, hindsight is twenty.”
:smallcool:

[DigoDragon]

Oh yes it was, especially when another lady joined the weirdness and suddenly there were three people involved in a thing, if you know what I mean... :smallamused:

Oh myyyyy! [/Takei]
I don't think the shenanigans in my old local group got that complicated.


That reminds me (http://x3.cdn03.imgwykop.pl/c3201142/comment_qZBYzwAyFsoOjygZLelmSe2iW2TAjBoC.gif)...

O.o


I'm not entirely sure if context would make this any less weird.

You know, I don't think it would either. It might be best left unsaid. I don't want the magic spoiled. :3



No wonder love produces such a high amount of magic. And that also explains why changelings enjoy feeding off it so much.

Heh, heh. I sometimes wonder if that one changeling the party met is going to show up again. He almost attempted to ship two PCs together.


Edward: We are now armed to the teeth with champagne.

This sounds like a line *I* would say.


GM: You are basically getting your butts kicked by Hermione Granger.

Well, there are much more embarrassing people to get your butt kicked by. Hermione is at least a mild challenge if you don't have magical defenses.


P2: My poor chihuahua is shaking in terror at the big scary man who just took his shirt off. :smalleek:

Well that doesn't say much. Most chihuahuas shake in in their natural rest state. :3


GM: “Given that Manehatten does have a decent sized population of feral ghouls, I'm actually surprised that Doc hasn't commented more on that fact.”
Doc: “If they're so common, maybe Doc's gotten used to it.”
Doc: “Ferals in the basement? Is it Tuesday already?”

GM: “Rolling for Moonshadow's possible damage, so that Moonshadow can get this sad part of her adventuring career over more quickly.”

GM: “I've always assumed that Viridia would sound like someone vaguely from Chicago; it's the 'normal, but possibly slightly sleazy' aspect to it.”
Viridia: “Hey! Viridia's not normal!”

Doc: “Poor Supply Route.”
GM: “She's in a better place now. She might get a train dropped on her in about thirty years, but otherwise she's in a better place.”

Moon: “On that note; why don't we just knock on the door?”
Doc: “Knocking on the door couldn't hurt. Safer than all of us barging in at once.”
Strata: “Honestly, you two are being more polite then most of the ponies I knew back before society collapsed.”
Doc: “I get that a lot.”

Viridia: (*knock knock*) “Fillyscout cookies!”
Zebra Mare: “What is a filly scout? What is the meaning of this? Why are cookies being offered to us? Is this a tribute or a bribe?”
Viridia: “Okay, I'll level with you - we don't actually have any cookies. I'm Viridia Dawn, this is Doc, Moonyshadow, Choro, and Strata.” (Leans in and whispered conspiratorially) “She's new.”

[Cristo Meyers]

Viridia: (*knock knock*) “Fillyscout cookies!”
Zebra Mare: “What is a filly scout? What is the meaning of this? Why are cookies being offered to us? Is this a tribute or a bribe?”
Viridia: “Okay, I'll level with you - we don't actually have any cookies. I'm Viridia Dawn, this is Doc, Moonyshadow, Choro, and Strata.” (Leans in and whispered conspiratorially) “She's new.”

Maybe it's just that I finished the 2009 Ghostbusters game yesterday, but every time I read this I hear Viridia's lines voiced by Peter Venkman...

[goto124]

I don't think the shenanigans in my old local group got that complicated.

Since two of the PCs were played by me alone, it wasn't nearly as complex as it seems :smalltongue:


GM: “Rolling for Moonshadow's possible damage, so that Moonshadow can get this sad part of her adventuring career over more quickly.”

Don't PbP GMs roll for the players, to hasten the already slow pace of PbP?


Doc: “Poor Supply Route.”
GM: “She's in a better place now. She might get a train dropped on her in about thirty years, but otherwise she's in a better place.”

Should I ask for context, or bathe in smoothing mystery? Choices, choices...



Strata: “Honestly, you two are being more polite then most of the ponies I knew back before society collapsed.”
Doc: “I get that a lot.”

BEFORE the apocalypse? Really? How bad was society BEFORE the big event? :smalleek:

[DigoDragon]

Since two of the PCs were played by me alone, it wasn't nearly as complex as it seems :smalltongue:

I see, like the wizard of Oz, there's a trick behind the curtain. :3



Don't PbP GMs roll for the players, to hasten the already slow pace of PbP?

Sometimes, though also takes into consideration what the roll is for.
For example, one GM will roll our saving throws whenever a villain casts a spell on us, so the effects can be immediately applied instead of waiting for us to roll the save, and then determining if it succeeded or not. At the same time, we are allowed to roll saves for targets of our own magic.



Should I ask for context, or bathe in smoothing mystery? Choices, choices...

Our Fallout game takes place 30 years before the events of Lil' Pip in the FO:E fanfic. Supply route was taken by the Unity project and dissolved to become part of the alicorn mutants there.

In the Fallout fanfic, there's a fight where Lil' Pip drops a train car on one of the alicorn mutants. So the joke is that the mutant could have been part Supply Route.



BEFORE the apocalypse? Really? How bad was society BEFORE the big event? :smalleek:

According to some of the journals and terminal entries we've found, society in this area was sliding into becoming a lot like the biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Mass corruption, crime, racism, etc.

[ZeroGear]

Our Fallout game takes place 30 years before the events of Lil' Pip in the FO:E fanfic. Supply route was taken by the Unity project and dissolved to become part of the alicorn mutants there.

In the Fallout fanfic, there's a fight where Lil' Pip drops a train car on one of the alicorn mutants. So the joke is that the mutant could have been part Supply Route.

Doc, did you start reading FA:E just to find out what it means to be a toaster repair pony?
(Did you get to that part yet?)

[Beacon of Chaos]

Well, there are much more embarrassing people to get your butt kicked by. Hermione is at least a mild challenge if you don't have magical defenses.
Well Hermione got pretty badass, but in this case the GM seemed to be refering to 1st year Hermione, and we did have magic defences of sorts. HIDDEN CONTEXT! Also she'd just been injected with some kinda power-boosting serum, which made the pink sparkles from her wand hit a lot harder.

[Gideon Falcon]

I may have already posted this in a previous thread, but it was recently brought to mind:

Dwarf Cleric: Alright, I'll roll Knowledge: Religion to see if I know what that thing is!
*natural 1*
Cleric: ... I think it's PELOR!

(Also spoken frequently by all players):
"Okay, I'll roll a spot check." *natural one* "I'M BLIND!"

[Vihlrune]

Troy (OOC): You could teleport in and hide in the shadows.
Aidan (OOC): But what if there's an ambush?
Troy (OOC): That's why you're going in.
Aidan (OOC): Wait, what if we-
Nick (OOC): Alright, that's it.
*Nick kicks down the door after fifteen minutes of 'planning'*

GM: Doormouse runs past you.
Aidan (OOC): I turn around and start walking after her.
GM: She runs past you again.
{beat}
Aidan (OOC): I turn around and start walking after her.
Doormouse had critically injured Aidan when he first found her; these are his attempts to chase after her to get sweet revenge while mostly missing one of his shoulders.

Troy (OOC): Alright, I fly forward.
GM: You slam into a solid wall of fog.

Julie: Step out of line like this one more time, and you'll be facing arrest and a possible life sentence.
Aidan: Look she was pushing my buttons in all the wrong ways!

[JohnZ1t0]

Troy: I punch a hole through the warehouse wall.
Espo: I tell my plant minions to melt a hole in the wall next to the hole Troy punched.
Espo (OOC): That was a joke, I don't do that.
GM: Too late, Espo tells his plimions to melt a hole in the wall.

GM: Alright, after Doormouse brutally rips apart Aidan's chest, she dashes down the brothel hallway and claws her way into the room where Espo and Fiona are going at it.
Espo (OOC): I see the rat thing break the door down and quickly tell my plant-wife to get up.
GM: No no, you have to make a notice check, he seems very consumed in his current action...

Espo: I make a plant wall, for defense.

Espo: Let me in the contamination zone, I want to heal the people with Fiona's helaing juice.
Prospero: Furry, leave them alone...
Espo: Shut up wizard.

Security Guard: Please leave immediately, you have caused enough trouble.
Everyone: *Looks at Aidan for almost killing our interrogation suspect, Duchess.*
Espo: Give me one last shot, I can get her to speak.
Troy: *Sigh* Fine
Security Guard: ...You may enter...
Espo: *Enters prison cell where Duchess is.* *Brings in his plant wife Fiona* *Seductivly walks into room, and removes clothing, while getting ready to begin doing it with Fiona.* *Summons plant minions to join in, and hold Duchess down to watch..* *Makes a plant wall to block door*
Espo (OOC): ...She screams and she says make it stop, make it stop, while revealing all the information...
GM: Actually she has the fearless feat so she responds, "If I had a dime for everytime I saw this..."

*After a failed interrogation attempt, everyone is walking out of the Prison*
Troy: *Punches Aidan for almost killing Duchess and getting the team arrested.*
Aidan: *Punches Back*
*Fight Ensues*
Nick: ...*Takes out popcorn and watches*
Espo: I need backup! Shadow kid (Aidan) and Gravity guy (Troy) are fighting outside the prison, they ar---
Aidan: *Punches Espo* Sniches get Stiches..

[DigoDragon]

Doc, did you start reading FA:E just to find out what it means to be a toaster repair pony?
(Did you get to that part yet?)

I haven't read the fic, no. ^^;
So I'll probably not know what the actual context of being a toaster repair pony is.

(made up context on the other hand...)

HIDDEN CONTEXT! Also she'd just been injected with some kinda power-boosting serum, which made the pink sparkles from her wand hit a lot harder.

Wizard steroids just don't seem to have the same kind of connotation. XD



*natural 1*
Cleric: ... I think it's PELOR!

LOL!


Troy (OOC): Alright, I fly forward.
GM: You slam into a solid wall of fog.

Something something London weather joke something... :smalltongue:


Aidan: *Punches Espo* Sniches get Stiches..

So violent. XD

Zebra Mare: “I am Caesennia Victricia Variala Vatia, of the Propoli tribe. I am a member of the Northern Zebra Legion, as is the rest of those who dwell here.”
Choro: (murmuring) “You have a lot of names.”
Viridia: “There used to be more names in general, before the war, but nowadays, with all the factories destroyed or inoperable, there are only so many names to go round. Most ponies have to make do with just two. Caesennia Victricia Variala Vatia has four names, which means she's earned her stripes and then some!”

Ceasennia: “The names of the children are Chain Checker and Floor Pump.”
Doc: “Chain Checker and Floor Pump? Yikes, they must have had loving (and completely drunk) parents.”
GM: “Well, more likely their parents were high, but the general effect is similar.”

Choro: “So, the ponies have zebra names, the two foal zebras have pony names, the zebra commander has four zebra names... and I think I now have a headache.”

Ceasennia: “I must profess that I am confused. I was briefed that the only pegusi in Equestria lived in the clouds.”
Moon: “There aren't any settlements down here, but there is the occasional pegasus born on the surface, or falls down here due to some bad choices.”
Doc: “Though for a time our group was all pegasi except for myself. Probably made someone in the Enclave wonder what the hell.”

[Aldarin]

Bard: Godammit. I'm done. I cast Charm person on the goat.
DM: The goat makes his Wisdom save.
Bard: &%¿# you.


You're ripped apart in an eldritch explosion as Erythnul decides to screw you over.


DM: What does your rogue like yo do?
Rogue: He likes killing people!
DM: Does he do any other things, like stealing?
Rogue: No, you sick bastard, that's wrong!


DM: The Lich mumbles a short incantation, and launches--
Sorcerer: Counterspell.
DM: Ok. The lich--
Sorcerer: Counterspell.
DM: *draws breath*
Sorcerer: Counterspell.

[digiman619]

DM: The Lich mumbles a short incantation, and launches--
Sorcerer: Counterspell.
DM: Ok. The lich--
Sorcerer: Counterspell.
DM: *draws breath*
Sorcerer: Counterspell.

I thought you were playing D & D, not Magic the Gathering circa 1999.

[Vihlrune]

Troy (OOC): Dude, we need to find that secretary and-
Patrick (OOC): Kill her.
Troy (OOC): -get those high heels.
{beat}
Troy (OOC): Wait, what?

Troy (OOC): Alright I use telekinesis to throw her into a wall
*Rave rolls toughness*
GM: Well, you just knocked out the mini boss in one hit.

[CrazyPenguin]

From an old campaign:
"You rolled so badly that your eyes roll back into your head for two rounds."

From a character creation session of a new campaign:
"You do realize I intended to run a heroic campaign?"
"Yes."
"And yet none of you made a Good character?"
"Yes."
"And all of you are either Chaotic, Evil, or Both?"
"Yes."
"Well then this should be fun."

And from a short D&D campaign I ran while camping:

DM: "The wizard spends the hour trying to reinsert his intestines, and oddly enough, succeeds."

Roy: (Wizard):"I cast Summon Weed."

Roy: "Is ten pounds enough force enough force to shove a fist up a human anus?
DM: "I don't know, why!?"
Roy: "No reason"

DM: "You're a dwarf. There is no way you're getting drunk on cheap human beer."

Richard "D*ck" Butt (Fighter): "If sex with three people is called a threesome, and sex with two people is called a twosome, I think I finally figured out why so many people call you handsome."

Roy: "It says my mage hand can lift up to ten pounds, so could I use it to snap a man's neck?"
DM: "No, mage hand explicitly can't be used to attack. Wait did you say ten pounds? Oh god. No. No."

DM: "Am I correct in assuming you are the last son of the noble House Butt?"

DM: "Here I am trying to be serious, and you named your character D*ck Butt."

Dereck Dadd (Rogue): "My criminal contact is called Convenient Plot Development."
DM: "That's canon now, just so you know."

Glow of the Mountain (Cleric): "I attack him."
Glow: *rolls cocked twice, then rolls a natural twenty*
DM: "So you hold your warhammer like a golf club, take two practice swings, and them smack him in the nuts."

DM: "Y'know, that boss fight would have been much harder had I rolled above a ten at any point."

DM: "Do you see this? This is a plot hook. Its my job to dangle it in front of you. Despite what the internet will tell you, it is not your job to then ignore it at all costs."

[Belac93]

DM: "And he leaps!"
Players: -Crying-

NPC: "That dog is actually the world eater!"

Warlock: "Alright, we need to find the magical lube."

[Bucky]

"The Gnomes used to have many mines. But now they have gnome ore."

[D.KnightSpider]

GM: Everyone takes 1d4 pun damage.
---

Ray: I dunno. The way I see it, if we take this mission, there's at least an 85% chance that Bond will try to bed Lisa. And I know that no one wants to go through that.
Lisa: Pffft. Considering that I'm metal from the sternum down, that's not biologically possible any more.
Gumdrop: Perhaps, then, you have less need of a medic and more need of a handyman with some ranks in Engineering?
---

Lisa: What can I say? They offered me the ability to perform castrations with one well-placed super-kick and like any good psychotic mass-murderer, I took it.
---

Matter-Horn: And what about moi? Is moi not good enough for this Bond's attention?
Ray: I was trying not to think about Bond chasing you, thank you very much.
---

Gumdrop: I confess to not understanding this conversation.
Ray: Consider yourself fortunate.
---

Ray: Well, that got awkward in a hurry.
---

Lisa: Sprocket, initiate War-On-Fun Mode.
Sprocket: War-On-Fun Mode activated.
Lisa: FYI, this van will now automatically taser anyone who makes a Back to the Future, Sly Cooper or A-Team reference. Unless your name is Ray, then your ejection seat goes off.
---

Matter-Horn: *freezes the road beneath a pursuing vehicle* Perhaps we should give them the slip! *ignites the tires on another pursuing vehicle* By burning rubber!
Gumdrop: As the team medic, I feel compelled to advise you that your puns are causing physical pain among my patients.
GM: Everyone, roll for pun damage.
Gumdrop: Quite literally.

[Rysto]

Irving: As he rushes forward, he shouts “INFLICT WOUNDS”, and performs the complicated somatic rituals involved, namely swinging his axe as hard as possible.
Chase (OOC): Truly Irving is capable of far more esoteric magicks than all the rest of the party put together.
Irving (OOC): Indeed. His spells are subtle and elegant.

[ZeroGear]

High Priest: "Take this." *hands group a white crystal bound in cloth*
Terra: "What is it?"
Priest: "Use this to cross the gap between the worlds..."
Lance: "And ingage in JOLLY CO-OPERRATION!"
Vick, Xaltaer, and Samson: "PRAISE THE SUN!"
DM: *headdesk*

[CrazyPenguin]

One last quote from the camp game that I forgot:

Party (chanting): Its not peer pressure, its just your turn!

[OctoberRaven]

(in Killer Instinct Announcer Voice) "Triple Execution Combo~!"

[DigoDragon]

Ceasennia: “You seem rather soft and you speak with the tone of a sage. However, you dress as if you are a jester.”
Viridia: “You're targeting her fashion sense?”
Choro: “That keeps on happening today, doesn't it? Equines down here. No respect. I dress myself in honour of Equestrian history. The old sages and scholars who inspired me in my studies: Mage Meadowbrook, Clover the Clever and others. Does that make sense?”
Ceasennia: “Your argument would have more strength if it were not for the lab coat.”
Choro: “Wizard robes aren't easy to make, ok?! I'm an engineer, a mage, a traveller. Not a tailor!”

Choro: “Seriously though, I'm down for whatever RP after this.”
Viridia: “I put on my robe and wizard hat...”
Choro: “...My brain. My poor brain.”

Doc: “Well if that don't beat all. Never heard a gun purr before.”

[ZeroGear]

Doc: “Well if that don't beat all. Never heard a gun purr before.”

why did this (http://i.stack.imgur.com/ZsvZJ.png) immediately come to mind?

[Inevitability]

GM: Everyone takes 1d4 pun damage.

This works so well with the post before yours.

[DigoDragon]

why did this (http://i.stack.imgur.com/ZsvZJ.png) immediately come to mind?

Um... does that even purr? ^^;
I was thinking of the Spore gun from Half-Life Opposing Force. One of the idle animations was it "purring".



This works so well with the post before yours.

Haha, I didn't notice that. Good catch!

[Beacon of Chaos]

This works so well with the post before yours.
Was gonna say that myself!

Edit: More quotes from the Buck: Legacy game

Knives: I almost let Knives take a tumble, but I figured no princess would go down to hentai.

(responding to unfortunate IRL circumstances)
Scarlet: I'm sorry to hear that.
Scarlet: And I'm sorry to hear that, too.
Yu: You sure you're not Canadian?
Scarlet: Yes, I'm sure.
Scarlet: Sorry about that.

Knives: Oh god. Now all I can hear is an angry Pinkie Pie going "it's party time, bub!"

Jackie: I'll save the grenade for the princess.

Nagapon Sorceror: If we are to desstroy the ssurface poniess, they will be a thorn in our ssidess-
Heartsbane: Will you please stop with the long, drawn-out esses? I know you're just doing it to sound more snake-like and it's annoying.
Nagapon Sorceror: Sorry.

Yu: Holy Rain, some stay dry and others feel the pain.
Holy Rain, fighting undead ponies is its game.

Yu: It might get a bit depressing if every monster we meet has a tragic backstory, as amusing as they are.

Scarlet: They may be magic proof, but I bet they're not blade proof! Sparky! With me!
Scarlet rushed ahead to meet the oncoming swarm. Then suddenly, she stoped and returned to the rest of the group.
Scarlet: Oh, by the way, I named the Phoenix Sparky.

Jackie: By the seven seas... Am I the only pony here that don't fancy herself wanting to be a princess?
Nick Nack: I was one in a past life.
Jackie: ...

Heal: But at least [Heal Turn] didn't have a reputation of wandering around in miniskirts to avoid keeping!

Heal: It's a powerful magical artifact! Not a Pretty Pretty Princess Crown!!

[digiman619]

Heal: It's a powerful magical artifact! Not a Pretty Pretty Princess Crown!!

Seriously! You see how it makes a full circle but doesn't cover the head? That makes it a Pretty Pretty Princess Coronet!

[DigoDragon]

Knives: I almost let Knives take a tumble, but I figured no princess would go down to hentai.

Knives hasn't watched enough hentai. ^^;


Viridia: “Oh wow Stitchheart, a stinky basement covered in crap. And I didn't get you anything.”

Choro: “What could go wrong?”
Doc: “You said that on purpose.”

GM: “A turret was placed in the middle of the hallway, on the ceiling; it was a crude thing that was bulky and obviously placed.”
Doc: “Well, that looks like it belongs.”

Doc: “Maybe time to move forward a tad, haven't heard anything yelling or going 'pew pew pew'.”

GM: “An earth pony infused with both pegasi and unicorn magic will either explode or turn into an abomination of nature (or an alicorn).”
Doc: “So… a 33% chance of winning the game?”

GM: “Crystal is the most powerful and useful substance in the world when one wishes to manipulate or contain magic.”
Doc: “Hey Doc, your fiancé is totally going to own the Crystal Empire. Sweet!”
GM: “Mirror Armor hitting the cutie mark lottery and managing to be rather mediocre in magic is likely a factor as to why she got sent off on a ship.”

[goto124]

GM: “An earth pony infused with both pegasi and unicorn magic will either explode or turn into an abomination of nature (aka an alicorn).”
Doc: “So… a 33% chance of winning the game?”

Misread the quote, and wondered "isn't that 50% chance?"


GM: “Crystal is the most powerful and useful substance in the world when one wishes to manipulate or contain magic.”
Doc: “Hey Doc, your fiancé is totally going to own the Crystal Empire. Sweet!”
GM: “Mirror Armor hitting the cutie mark lottery and managing to be rather mediocre in magic is likely a factor as to why she got sent off on a ship.”

101 Reasons Mirror and Doc Should Get Married ASAP...

[DigoDragon]

Misread the quote, and wondered "isn't that 50% chance?"

Even if it were, I don't trust myself in making the odds on a die roll. :3



101 Reasons Mirror and Doc Should Get Married ASAP...

I can only imagine the complexity of the quest to obtain a Viking wedding gown in the wasteland.
On the other hand, it would look crazy awesome (https://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr87cxl5wU1r149kwo1_500.jpg) if they pulled it off.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Seriously! You see how it makes a full circle but doesn't cover the head? That makes it a Pretty Pretty Princess Coronet!
Objection! It was actually a tiara.

[TurboGhast]

DM: The Chuul-
Veit: You just accidentally revealed that it's a Chuul.
DM: Whoops.
Veit: I'm still salty about accidentally revealing the salt mephit- Wait, I just accidentally revealed that creature was a mephit.
DM: *Breaks down laughing*

[digiman619]

Objection! It was actually a tiara.

I figured as much, but since most people don't know what a coronet is, it had a higher pedantry level. Seriously, it's called a crown, because it covers the crown of your head! But whenever you see a 'crown' in media, it's always a just a circlet; it's so annoying!

[Diachronos]

"As your new god, my first tenant is for you to never be naked!"

[DigoDragon]

Doc: “Oh, Moony, take the photo of the young smiling Fan Knife. That's gotta be the rarest thing in all of Equestria.”

Doc: “Why can't for once we find fluffy kittens in a spooky basement?”

GM: “If someone managed to make a vial of pure 'earth pony magic' and set it next to a vial of pure 'raw magic' and make two different unicorns drink them, the vial of earth pony magic would almost certainly screw up the unicorn in question for quite some time, while the raw magic would just semi-permanently cripple the other unicorn.”
Choro: “... I'm sorry, I'm distracted by one key question. What do those vials taste like?”
GM: “Like unicorn cranial fluid (Slightly tangy).”
Choro: “So Unicorn brains taste of a British soft drink (http://www.britvic.com/our-brands/brands-a-z/tango)? Huh. Good to know?”

Doc: “At what point was putting a wet bar in a secret lab a good idea?”

Choro: *leafing through Glamour Monthly* “Who knew scientists were so keen on Canterlot social drama? Don't tell me you're a fan too, Doc...”
GM: “When Doc opened the refrigerator, he found himself staring into a veritable ecosystem of mold.”
Doc: *slams the door closed* “Holy Luna, that was putrid!!”
Choro: “Do you need a hoof?”
Doc: “Sure, round of applause for Doctor Wagon. He discovered like... three new lifeforms in two seconds. New record.”

[Lord Torath]

"As your new god, my first tenant is for you to never be naked!"That's it! Time to find a new god!
Here are some related-but-heretical Real-Life quotes:

My 2-Year-Old Nephew: *Runs naked through the front room*.
My Bro-in-law: Get back here, kid! Nothing good happens when you're naked!
My Grandma: Bite your tongue!

[ZeroGear]

Terra: "Lance...why?"
Lance: "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

Vick: "Please stop antagonizing the giant fire demons with big hammers that could mash us into a pulp."
Xaltaer: "But it's fun!"

Samson: "Hang on." *uses dimension-crystal to write his name on the ground*
Lance, Vick, and Xaltaer: *do the same*
DM: For the last time, it's not a white soapstone.

Vick: *Opens door*
DM: Past the door, you see a room filled with iron cages hanging over a lava pit.
Vick: "Nope." *Closes door*

Samson: *Opens door*
DM: This room is decked out in fine silk and plush carpets. Several pillows are strewn about, upon which are many attractive succubi.
Samson: "Sweet!"
Terra: *Slams door shut* "NO!"

Terra: "Evil artifacts are meant to be erased from existence, NOT used to create a live turduckens!"

[goto124]

GM: “If someone managed to make a vial of pure 'earth pony magic' and set it next to a vial of pure 'raw magic' and make two different unicorns drink them, the vial of earth pony magic would almost certainly screw up the unicorn in question for quite some time, while the raw magic would just semi-permanently cripple the other unicorn.”

But what does earth pony magic even do?

Or raw magic, while we're at it.


Doc: “At what point was putting a wet bar in a secret lab a good idea?”

GM: “When Doc opened the refrigerator, he found himself staring into a veritable ecosystem of mold.”
Doc: “Sure, round of applause for Doctor Wagon. He discovered like... three new lifeforms in two seconds. New record.”

I wonder how many lifeforms have been accidentally drunk in a glass of martini...


Samson: *Opens door*
DM: This room is decked out in fine silk and plush carpets. Several pillows are strewn about, upon which are many attractive succubi.
Samson: "Sweet!"
Terra: *Slams door shut* "NO!"

"But they're being honest! I can even TELL they're succubi!"

[Inevitability]

"But they're being honest! I can even TELL they're succubi!"

A truly evil DM would show such a scene, let the players cast Death Ward and Protection From Evil, and let them enter... only for the succubi to all be illusions concealing horrible traps. And the door would lock behind them. Also, the room would start filling with acid.

Excuse me, I'm off to write up a new adventure.

[DigoDragon]

My Grandma: Bite your tongue!

Haha, Grandma knows. XD


Lance: "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

Standard answer of every player I've had who went and did something dumb and somehow survived. :smalltongue:


Terra: *Slams door shut* "NO!"

"But they're being honest! I can even TELL they're succubi!"

I was thinking the same thing as Goto. XD



But what does earth pony magic even do?

Or raw magic, while we're at it.

I... am not sure. IC theories given by PCs and NPCs range from "Being magically healthier" to "Believing in themselves". My own Earth Pony character isn't really sure what Earth Pony magic is (other than really subtle). :smallredface: If we go by OOC game abilities as magical abilities, then Earth Pony 'magic' is getting more Perks per level and being able to build complex equipment related to our talents from junk without needing any kind of repair skill.



A truly evil DM would show such a scene, let the players cast Death Ward and Protection From Evil, and let them enter... only for the succubi to all be illusions concealing horrible traps. And the door would lock behind them. Also, the room would start filling with acid.

Excuse me, I'm off to write up a new adventure.

I see someone is channeling Grimtooth today. :D


GM: “A quick gargle of hydrogen peroxide would kill off anything that ended up in his mouth.”
Doc: “Plah! Ptooie! Ugh... dude, I bleached my insides.”

GM: “Starswirl's the wizard who did it, in general. If there's something magical, he's done it, invented a better way to do it, reinvent it, and then banish someone whose plan for world domination involves something he came up with on a Friday night.”
Choro: “Oh, please don't talk about what Starswirl did on a Friday night. I can only think of this (http://i1134.photobucket.com/albums/m611/Croakamancer/Starswirl_zpscokhtr63.png).”
Doc: “What. The Actual. Heck?”

Choro: “Doctor Wagon, do you want to sit this one out? You still look a little woozy.”
Doc: “No, no, I'm alright. I'll just, uh...”
Poster of Pinkie Pie: “Hi!”
Doc: (the only one seeing Pinkie talk) “Oh, hey there Pinkie.”
Choro: “…”

Poster of Pinkie Pie: “That fridge used to have a biiiig cake and a bunch'a donuts, but now it's just mush. There's nothing worse than wasted cake.”
Doc: “I know, wasted cake is just... awful. Whoa, Super-C, I just got an idea! Pinkie, come with us and we could like, bake another cake when we're done here. Baking is like engineering, right?”
Choro: “I... Super-C?!... Iwhaa...”

[Diachronos]

"Maybe there's nothing here. Maybe this really is just an empty room with four goats in it."

[ZeroGear]

"Maybe there's nothing here. Maybe this really is just an empty room with four goats in it."

Will staring at them give a character psychic powers?

[digiman619]

Will staring at them give a character psychic powers?

Only if they retrain; as 'jedi warriors' they must unlearn what they have learned.

[goto124]

Choro: “Doctor Wagon, do you want to sit this one out? You still look a little woozy.”
Doc: “No, no, I'm alright. I'll just, uh...”
Poster of Pinkie Pie: “Hi!”
Doc: (the only one seeing Pinkie talk) “Oh, hey there Pinkie.”
Choro: “…”

Poster of Pinkie Pie: “That fridge used to have a biiiig cake and a bunch'a donuts, but now it's just mush. There's nothing worse than wasted cake.”
Doc: “I know, wasted cake is just... awful. Whoa, Super-C, I just got an idea! Pinkie, come with us and we could like, bake another cake when we're done here. Baking is like engineering, right?”
Choro: “I... Super-C?!... Iwhaa...”

Looks like a really elaborate hallucination. What if Mirror catches Doc with another mare?

[Beacon of Chaos]

Quotes from our final game of Double Cross, plus one I missed from last session. Annoyingly, I think there are others I missed. I wish I'd written them down now. These are all from memory.


Edward: This is the second time you've been naked this campaign.
Josephine: Actually it's the third.
Edward: Already?

Dante: DEATH RAAAAAAY!

Josephine: I'm going to punch it!
GM: Fine, you fight the bear with your bare hands!

John: (no less than 3 times during the session) I'll stab it in the face!

GM: You cut their heads off, Indiana Jones style.

Edward: This place is built like a Bond villain lair, which means it's going to explode at the end of the session.

GM: No! There are no invisible people!

GM: For the second time this campaign, you are now disguised as a school girl.

Scamp: He's performing a deadly strip tease!

GM: As the grenade goes off, an absurd set of circumstances cause a shard from a nearby mirror to fly out and hit you in the face for 10 unblockable damage.
Edward: That seems fair.

Dante: Can we just skip to the part where we kill you, please?

[DigoDragon]

Looks like a really elaborate hallucination. What if Mirror catches Doc with another mare?

As in, putting the moves on another mare? Mirror would probably be heart broken, pissed, and (should any of Mirror's relatives show up) be uncaring to stop them from breaking Doc's face.



Annoyingly, I think there are others I missed. I wish I'd written them down now. These are all from memory.

I've made it a point to always write down the good quotes back when I had a local group. I learned a good shorthand method of note taking too so I could keep up. Even then, there were times the jokes just kept on coming and something got lost in transcription.


GM: For the second time this campaign, you are now disguised as a school girl.

I'm curious why that is becoming a thing. :smalltongue:

Moon: “On the off chance there was something weird going on, Moonshadow takes a look at the Pinkie poster through her monocle.”
Doc: *Poses with the poster*
GM: “The poster Doc was holding was fine. Penny stood behind Doc. Her coat was bleached a pale shade of grey and a set of ram horns erupted from the sides of her head.”
Moon: “Hey Doc. Don't move.” (*Opens fire at the creature only she can see standing behind Doc*)

Viridia: “Hey guys, what's going on in this room?”
Choro: “Not much. Ms. Moonsahdow just shot the wall, the fridge is highly dangerous, and Doctor Wagon wants to bake a cake.”
[Beat]
Choro: “Do you want to go check on the next room? I think it might be safer than this one.”

Moon: “Sorry about that, I thought I saw something hovering around Doc.”
Doc: “Don't worry, it's all good. Any invisible somethings hovering around me are probably trouble.”

Viridia: “I know a sex dungeon when I see one.”
GM: “Nah, there's not enough mirrors.”
Choro: “I... Ms. Viridia, it's the Ministry of Peace! You shouldn't say things like that about them. This was a place of healing, respect, and compassion.”
[Beat]
Choro: “I know this particular facility was kinda their 'evil mad scientist' division, but still...”

[Diachronos]

"I just realized that Gabriel is explaining to the NPC the benefits of being an NPC. "

[AdmiralCheez]

DM: I really should have paying more attention to potential Lightning Bolt patterns.
*Julio, the bard, kills seven high-level hobgoblin commandos with one spell.*
DM: Yup, definitely should have been paying attention.


DM: Yes, you get advantage next turn on attacking the Earth.


Dravin: So remind me... why did we fight the entire hobgoblin army?
Finley: I just wanted to pay respects to the dead.

[asnys]

Looks like a really elaborate hallucination. What if Mirror catches Doc with another mare?

Nnoooooo!!!!!! My ship!

[ZeroGear]

Viridia: “I know a sex dungeon when I see one.”
GM: “Nah, there's not enough mirrors.”
Choro: “I... Ms. Viridia, it's the Ministry of Peace! You shouldn't say things like that about them. This was a place of healing, respect, and compassion.”
[Beat]
Choro: “I know this particular facility was kinda their 'evil mad scientist' division, but still...”

Now I REALLY wish I could un-see that one comic where Fluttershy had a changeling strapped to a bed in her basement.
(Yes, someone made a friggn 18+ COMIC about that)

[Draconi Redfir]

"You convert 27 children to alchoholism!"

[goto124]

Moon: “On the off chance there was something weird going on, Moonshadow takes a look at the Pinkie poster through her monocle.”
GM: “Penny stood behind Doc. Her coat was bleached a pale shade of grey and a set of ram horns erupted from the sides of her head.”
Moon: “Hey Doc. Don't move.” (*Opens fire at the creature only she can see standing behind Doc*)

Moon: “Sorry about that, I thought I saw something hovering around Doc.”

Moon has a magic monocle? Was Penny or some other evil magic creature actually there?

At least Doc is okay!


Viridia: “I know a sex dungeon when I see one.”
Choro: “I... Ms. Viridia, it's the Ministry of Peace! You shouldn't say things like that about them. This was a place of healing, respect, and compassion.”

Does that preclude it from having a sex dungeon? Okay, maybe not a sex dungeon...

[DigoDragon]

"I just realized that Gabriel is explaining to the NPC the benefits of being an NPC. "

That sounds like it would have been an interesting conversation to hear.



DM: Yes, you get advantage next turn on attacking the Earth.

But is their weapon big enough to attack its hit points directly? :3



Nnoooooo!!!!!! My ship!

Two cans of Pre-war food-- 16 caps.
A bottle of vintage wine -- 25 caps.
Being reminded that I'm not the only one with a Doc/Mirror ship-- Priceless. ^^;


Now I REALLY wish I could un-see that one comic where Fluttershy had a changeling strapped to a bed in her basement.

I... really shouldn't be surprised that exists. O.o



"You convert 27 children to alchoholism!"

Yay! ...wait, what? :smalleek: Ahhh!!



Moon has a magic monocle? Was Penny or some other evil magic creature actually there?

Does that preclude it from having a sex dungeon? Okay, maybe not a sex dungeon...

My theory is that Moonshadow did see the goat demon that has been following Doc around. Why that demon follows Doc, I don't know. It has been mostly harmless up to this point, so Doc has been jokingly referring to it as his "Roadie".

As for the second statement-- Touche'. XD

Doc: “I walk over to the desks, hoping those were relatively safe and filled with notes on what the old world did behind the glass.”
Perception: *crit fail*
GM: “As Doc pressed his face into a fascinating terminal screen on a nearby desk, he would eventually realize that the power would have needed to be on in order to read it.”
Doc: “Oh, right... might need that.” (*scribbles ‘Wash Me’ on the screen*)

Viridia: *trots a little closer to the corpse and tilts her head* “You okay, buddy?”
GM: “The corpse said nothing.”

GM: “Doc didn't have the assistance of magical unicorn lighting or night vision eyes, so he just saw that the door opened to a big open expanse of dark. Roll perception.”
Doc: *Crit succeeds, sees everything anyway*

Moon: “I wouldn't keep my generator, backup or otherwise, with potentially dangerous test subjects. So going by other prewar buildings, that's exactly where they kept them.”

Doc: “I found a party! It's... pretty laid back. Fifteen dead bodies, a couple bottles of wine, and a cake that's doing an interesting impression of Brie.”
Choro: “Ah. Dead ponies. The scavenger's guiding star. Wait... what killed them? We're underground. They wouldn't have been hit directly by Balefire.”
Moon: “My guess? Poison. They killed themselves rather than face the end. Or maybe one pony poisoned them all to spare the rest.”
Doc: “Hmm, perhaps a doctor could perform a high-level autopsy to determine the cause of death.”
Doc: (*Thinking to himself*) “Wait for it…”

[goto124]

My theory is that Moonshadow did see the goat demon that has been following Doc around. Why that demon follows Doc, I don't know. It has been mostly harmless up to this point, so Doc has been jokingly referring to it as his "Roadie".

It did give -1 Luck when Doc first got it, and the GM warned you about what it meant...

[DigoDragon]

It did give -1 Luck when Doc first got it, and the GM warned you about what it meant...

When Doc first got it?
I thought the -1 Luck was at Stitchheart's genetic experiment lab (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?441544-Fallout-Equestria-Grits-And-Ghouls&p=20027751&viewfull=1#post20027751), the one with all the spliced chimera-like critters (though proud that I later nailed that penalized luck roll).

I theorize the goat demon wants Doc to feel insignificant so that he changes his mind and signs the blood pact for power. Probably because Doc might be one of the first to refuse the offer back at the hidden shrine. I just don't remember the demon doing anything tangible to Doc or his stats before the lab. It just... appeared once in a very rare while and stood there. Staring.

[Sallera]

"You better not fail at this. If Grimmgang is forced to breakdance there will be casualties in the party if anyone so much as chuckles."

"Adventurers. The only people who'll complain about not being mugged."

"Now think about trying not to bump that invisible boat against another boat, and then coordinating a sneak attack with your invisible allies, whom you cannot signal in any real way."

"I could also smash the alchemist's fire against my own chest to get a bigger splash area."

[Beacon of Chaos]

I'm curious why that is becoming a thing. :smalltongue:
Well, the first time was because she had nothing else to wear at the time (Her clothes had been damage after she shielded Scamp from an explosion).

The second time we knocked out the villain's niece because she'd gone mad with power (long story) and someone had the bright idea for Josephine to take her clothes and pretend she'd captured us. This was the same girl who'd been described as Hermione earlier. Speaking of which...

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13728928_665566726928916_6890736126162802407_n.jpg ?oh=d967215bb50911207ec95729146c98c8&oe=57EA81F3
Drawn by a friend of the GM.

[CrazyPenguin]

Exalted!

New Party Member's Retainer, Rold, Introducing Himself: "I am his retainer."
Gray Raptor: "What do you retain? Water?"

Rouser of Souls:"The murderer seemed to be some kind of sorcerer, and a number of alchemical supplies were stolen from the scene."
Burning Sunset:"So, your description of the murderer is 'sorcerer alchemist,' or, alternatively 'basically Burning Sunset.'"

Tisia;"I no longer am wearing bloodstained rags. I'm moving up in the world!"
Gray Raptor: "She now wears non-bloodstained rags!"

Storyteller:"We now have Tisia the Excessively Mobile and Rouser of Souls, Crafter of Frinedship."

Gray Raptor:"I will tail him from a distance."
Rouser of Souls:"Good. Be sure to exercise restraint."
Gray Raptor:"You want Gray Raptor to restrain him? Alright!"

Rouser of Souls: "My Little Exalt: Friendship is Crafting"

Burning Sunset:"Could I go stealthily be a cloud?"

Storyteller:"[GR's Players 1st Name]'Spender of Willpower'[GR's Player's Last Name]"

Rouser of Souls:"The murderer seemed to have killed him with some form of claws"
Burning Sunset:"Did you make the murderer exactly like me on purpose?"

Burning Sunset:*says literally everything the group was trying to keep secret*
NPC We Were Keeping Secrets From:*is literally right next to Sunset*
Rouser of Souls:"I will strangle you."

Jin: We did a test athletics roll, to see how well I could do if I went all in. I got 50 successes on 31 dice."

Everyone at some point:"Why do dice hate Gray Raptor so much"

Burning Sunset:"Did he actually get out of trouble for breaking and entering by pretending to be a stupid tourist?"

Storyteller:*describes monster*
Burning Sunset:"I KILL IT WITH FIRE"

Burning Sunset:"I basically took a 'vow of no fun'"

Nirvele:"It was a great session of watching everyone else do things."

Burning Sunset:"Violence is always the answer."
Nirvele: "I thought you were a monk?"

[GPuzzle]

Xia: "I'll steal all their panties while they're wearing it!"

[OctoberRaven]

"I wouldn't say I'm a politician. I'm more like Robin Wood."

"Who's Robin Wood?"

"You know, she was the ninja who fought the corruption in Nothingham and defended the common man."

[CrazyPenguin]

Burning Sunset:"Perhaps Gray Raptor will finally learn of the legendary 'first person pronouns.'"

[TurboGhast]

DM: While the guard actually doing his job doesn't recognize you, the other one sees that there's a giant bounty on you and moves towards you.
Hemer: Okay, there's no way this doesn't end in a fight. Magic Missile!
DM: The guard dies, and yelps as he does.
Lia: Oh, now you're the one killing people for small things.

Hemer: As a bonus action, I pull a dead *rolls* cat out of my bag of tricks.
DM: One of the guards you're fighting sees you do this, and runs away it just freaked him out.

[Aldarin]

I thought you were playing D & D, not Magic the Gathering circa 1999.

Converting sorcery points to spell slots. Fifth edition.

[digiman619]

Converting sorcery points to spell slots. Fifth edition.

Ah. I'm more of a Pathfider guy. I did play a 5ed Sorcerer, but didn't get past 3rd level. BTW, was I the only person that was surprised that sorcerers got metamagic in 5th, but not wizards?

[Fable Wright]

Ah. I'm more of a Pathfider guy. I did play a 5ed Sorcerer, but didn't get past 3rd level. BTW, was I the only person that was surprised that sorcerers got metamagic in 5th, but not wizards?

No, it was a pretty logical choice to me.

"Hey, you know what, we gave Wizards access to the best spells in the game and the broadest spell selection mechanic there is. On top of that, they've got schools that grant some awesome class features! And metamagic!"

"Okay, what do the sorcerers have?"

"The fewest spells known of anybody in the game!"

"...And?"

"Bad class features!"

"..."

"You're right, that's not very fair. Fine, they can have the metamagic."

"And spells known?"

"Woah, woah, let's not get too hasty. If it's a problem, we can fix it in Unearthed Arcana, right?"

[Inevitability]

No, it was a pretty logical choice to me.

"Hey, you know what, we gave Wizards access to the best spells in the game and the broadest spell selection mechanic there is. On top of that, they've got schools that grant some awesome class features! And metamagic!"

"Okay, what do the sorcerers have?"

"The fewest spells known of anybody in the game!"

"...And?"

"Bad class features!"

"..."

"You're right, that's not very fair. Fine, they can have the metamagic."

"And spells known?"

"Woah, woah, let's not get too hasty. If it's a problem, we can fix it in Unearthed Arcana, right?"

No, they didn't need spells. They got more cantrips than anyone else, obviously that balances it out!

[ZeroGear]

Demon Lord: "Let me know the instant the delegates arrive."
Vick, posing as and errand boy: "Oh, they're here."
DL: "WHAT? THEY'RE HERE AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?"
Vick and Lance, both posing as errand boys: *fall to their knees* "WE ARE WORMS! WORTHLESS WORMS!"
DL: *Sigh* "Memo to self: maim you after my meeting with the delegates."

DL: "Throw these troublemakers into the cells until I decide a prompter fate for them."
Lance: *flings himself onto jail keeper* "PLEASE NO! I'm too handsome to be flayed alive! Mercy Mercy-eh-he-he!"
*
*Later*
*
Terra: "Alright, we need a way out of this cell."
Lance: *holds up key* "Why don't we just use this?"
Vick: "Lance, where did you get that?"
Lance: "Swiped it from the jailer I was groveling on."

Xaltaer: "Hey, where's Samson?"
Vick: "Wasn't he with you?"
Terra: "...I have a feeling I know where he is."
*
*later*
*
DM: As you open the door and peer into the room, you see Samson lying naked on a velvety bed, covered from the waist down with silk sheets, surrounded by several exhausted looking succubi.
Samson: "Hey guys, care to join me?"
Xaltaer: "...I have no words to accurately describe how I feel about this right now."

[CrazyPenguin]

Even more Exalted! (because I forgot)

Storyteller: "The guard see's Gray Raptor wandering around the garden and draws his axe."
Burning Sunset: "Just grab a twig, hold it out, and say 'I am a bush'"
Somebody Else (Forgetfulness!): "I had a character who probably could have pulled that off."

[comk59]

Superhero campaign Issue #2: So much fire...

at beginning of session
Olive (AKA Spook): Look Black Mirror, I have pretty much zero combat powers. My specialty is mostly information gathering and... paperwork. I can't do anything in a fight.

at end of session
Olive: (In helicopter, directing squad of EICH troopers, shooting at a mecha with an anti-material rifle) I should never not be doing this!

DM: Yeah, the Iron Kurtain worked alongside the Red Scare in the 70's and 80's.
Black Mirror: Iron Kurtain is an awesome supervillian name.
Spook: He was pretty good, but he eventually fell.

Olive: Wait, you're a professional goon?
Casey Brown: Oh yeah, I'm the gooniest goon around. I've gooned for the best! Deathjester, Triple-Threat, The Devil in Prada. Man, those costumes were amazing...

DM: The police chief is sitting at his desk-
Red Menace: (OOC) I like to imagine he's being played by Samuel Jackson.
DM: What?
Red Menace: What's his name?
DM: Chief Edward Willis.
Red Menace: Perfect.

Olive: Guys, little heads up, there's a dinosaur in there with you.

Red Menace: So we're all in agreement: The fire-breathing cyborg dinosaur is voiced by Christopher Walken.

Warhead (cyber-dino): (in a terrible Christopher Walken impression) You gnats... aren't worth my time! (breathes fire)
DM proceeds to roll multiple critical successes (system uses exploding dice), winds up dealing double the normal maximum damage
Black Mirror:... Good thing I'm fireproof!
Red Menace: No one else is!!
DM: Actually, Warhead is too.

DM: Your only lead is a reclusive hacker called Pr0xi3
Red Menace: Does he look like a young Jeff Goldblume?
DM:... (scribbles in notebook) Yes. Yes he does.

[goto124]

Hemer: As a bonus action, I pull a dead *rolls* cat out of my bag of tricks.
DM: One of the guards you're fighting sees you do this, and runs away it just freaked him out.

Must be a level 1 ADnD wizard :smallbiggrin:


DM: As you open the door and peer into the room, you see Samson lying naked on a velvety bed, covered from the waist down with silk sheets, surrounded by several exhausted looking succubi.

How many levels (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/energyDrain.htm) did he lose? :smalltongue:

[ZeroGear]

How many levels (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/energyDrain.htm) did he lose? :smalltongue:

None. They liked it that much :smallwink:

[goto124]

I know a PC who would want to learn from him... :smallamused: