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Joe the Rat
2016-06-23, 11:20 AM
Greetings all,

My players, in addition to having a team of "troubleshooting experts" (the PCs) are operating a little mercenary business on the side. As their supply of mercenaries is dwindling (the Necromancer says it was natural causes), they will need to bring in some new hirelings.

Now I already have a few competent characters, and a new PC to bring in. But as this is a (on paper) comedic game, I'd like to throw a bunch of quirky, strange, incompetent, or flat out wrong applicants at them to make a proper Bad Hires Montage. So I figure the Playground would be able to come up with a few ideas I could use - and might find them useful as well.

System neutral, I'm looking for a name, a description, what their schtick is (infantry, scout, archer, etc, or what they did before they decided to be hirelings), and a trait or quirk that makes them not the best choice for a troop of sellswords. Bad jokes and gaming / pop culture references appreciated.

For a starter:

1. Gord the Vegetable Farmer. He's confident, and pretty good with a pitchfork, but all he talks about is farming and the different kinds of squash he grows.

2. Cheech the Gnomish Gongfarmer (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gong_farmer).

So whatcha got?

Thrudd
2016-06-23, 01:18 PM
Greetings all,

My players, in addition to having a team of "troubleshooting experts" (the PCs) are operating a little mercenary business on the side. As their supply of mercenaries is dwindling (the Necromancer says it was natural causes), they will need to bring in some new hirelings.

Now I already have a few competent characters, and a new PC to bring in. But as this is a (on paper) comedic game, I'd like to throw a bunch of quirky, strange, incompetent, or flat out wrong applicants at them to make a proper Bad Hires Montage. So I figure the Playground would be able to come up with a few ideas I could use - and might find them useful as well.

System neutral, I'm looking for a name, a description, what their schtick is (infantry, scout, archer, etc, or what they did before they decided to be hirelings), and a trait or quirk that makes them not the best choice for a troop of sellswords. Bad jokes and gaming / pop culture references appreciated.

For a starter:

1. Gord the Vegetable Farmer. He's confident, and pretty good with a pitchfork, but all he talks about is farming and the different kinds of squash he grows.

2. Cheech the Gnomish Gongfarmer (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gong_farmer).

So whatcha got?

What you need for this is a random tables. Have one table for their class/job (archer, infantry etc). Then think up a series of former professions for another table, a series of personality traits for another, a table of appearance descriptions, and also roll for race and gender. Roll on each table and get a bunch of random weird combinations of stuff.

Hoosigander
2016-06-23, 01:29 PM
3. Brother Barnabas the hypochondriac cleric: His hypochondria extends to others as well, not only does he horde healing spells to treat himself, he also diagnoses the PCs with illnesses they don't have.

4.Quartermaster Milos: Inspired by Milo Minderbinder from Catch-22, Quartermaster Milos is in charge of supplying the mercenary company, but he abuses his position to run hilariously over-complicated war profiteering schemes.

5. Friedrich the fashionable mercenary: Friedrich may not be a dangerous fighter, but with his puff-and-slash sleeves, particolored hose and enormous hats, he sure looks the part. Friedrich is always in the vanguard, at least when there's an opportunity to pillage the enemy baggage train for more cloth.

nedz
2016-06-23, 01:55 PM
6. Ernest the Sorcerer with Tourettes.
Under moments of stress spontaneously fireballs people - randomly.

7. Snowflake the Kender Wizard.
Likes Glitterbombing people to make them pretty. Fights last longer when everyone is blind anyway.

8. Villa
Highly skilful doorman and safe cracker - can open any lock.
Flees at the first sign of trouble.

9. Avon
Master conman and thief - likes putting others down with sarcasm.

arclance
2016-06-23, 02:17 PM
10. Uglor the Smugglor: Half-Troll Boatman who offers suspiciously good rates for rides on his river boat. Wanted for smuggling (cheese) in most of the area but is unaware of this fact himself. Has a face that just can't be hidden with a disguise.

Kareeah_Indaga
2016-06-23, 04:59 PM
11.) Healer who faints at the sight of blood.
12.) Fighter-type who is violently allergic to undead, to the point that the players could use him as a zombie detector by paying attention to when he starts sneezing. (Possibly make it actually a mold allergy, so you can throw the players for a loop with spoiled food once in a while.)

ExLibrisMortis
2016-06-23, 07:29 PM
13. Boris the Bad Druid. Insists everything he summons is not dead. It's not dead, it's just an ex-parrot!

Brookshw
2016-06-23, 07:37 PM
14. Have you read any discworld novels? Those.

15. Ggnome: gnomish explorer extraordinaire, out to map everything in minute detail.

16. Corp. Dint. Foul smelling but diligent, follows orders as literally as possible. Literally. Man lives and breathes quoting operational manuals.

17. Scarty Kat: never heard the meaning of "backbone", run from his own shadow if he could. Works wonders as a canary in the mine.

18. We call him cheffy: damned if we know what he's cooking, damned if we know where he got the ingredients, even a tonges (tounges?) spell cant pierce his overly thick vernacular/homespun analogies/absurd accent. But hey, the foods edible and only smells like old boot 75% of the time. We don't talk about the other 25%.

19. Fengle: strongest kobold in the world. He's a goon, a mook, a meathead. Better home he likes you.

20. Treginald (the T is silent): a proper british chap not afraid of the ol' dust up or to give johnny over there whatfor. Unflappable. Bloody useless aside from brazen courage (probably born from ignorance)

TeChameleon
2016-06-24, 02:00 PM
If you haven't read the Nodwick comic (starting here (http://comic.nodwick.com/?comic=2001-01-01)), it's a good (and highly entertaining) spot to start. To blatantly steal a few from its run-

- The Destiny Sponge: S/he's clever, competent, observant and has more than his/her share of common sense (aside, maybe, from their choice of career); too bad that the universe itself seems to have it in for them. Monsters seem to find them irresistably tasty, they always somehow find themselves standing between the party and the source of damage when a trap or explosion goes off, and, well, basically anything that can go wrong, does go wrong... and it hits them first. Sadly for this poor soul, their contract is so ironclad that death itself can't get them out of it, and so they stoically hench on after the cleric has resurrected them. Again.

- The Cleric of Sunshine, Rainbows, Happiness and Puppies: Usually female, this perky ball of good cheer and radiant healing is an unstoppable dynamo against the forces of naughtiness, and can keep the party going long after they should have dropped. Of course, the flipside of this is that she's naive, easily shocked and even more easily distracted, with a tendency to stomp out of stealth (completely hosing the party's careful plan) to deliver a stern lecture to the perpetrators of evil... one which will often be finished, thanks to the sheer startlement of said perpetrators. Of course, they'll then promptly try to kill her, but it's the thought that counts, right..? Should the usual antics of the PCs manage to pierce her armour of naivetee (and possibly denial >.>), they'll find themselves on the receiving end of the finger-wagging, tongue-lashing lecture, which should invoke some fairly heavy feelings of guilt in them. Also makes some of the finest cookies in the known universe, to the point that the gods themselves will descend when she's baking, in hopes of being able to lick the bowl and/or cadge a few.

- The Skiving Cheerleader: Will cheer on any idea the PCs might have, (the more wrongheaded and idiotic, the better) lauding them to the skies for their brilliance, good looks, and charisma. Always read to bolster the PC's egos, but completely devoid of common sense, morals, good taste, or anything even faintly resembling a work ethic; he may be there to be a hireling, but you'll never catch him doing anything remotely resembling the work he was hired to do. Of course, he's such a nice guy that you can't really get too mad at him for shirking a little, every once in a while, right?

- Only Two Days from Retirement: This is the hireling's last job before they settle in on a nice little plot of land that they've saved up for, and built a cozy cottage on for them and their sweetheart, and they're planning on bouncing their grandchildren on their knee while they watch the sun set and drink a nice cuppa. They're only taking this one on so that they have a little rainy-day cash. Of course, when this trope runs into the Destiny Sponge and a cleric with Raise Dead, it can get rather interesting. You could probably make a monster stand twitching like a ball bearing caught between two electromagnets of identical power if you placed the Retiree and the Destiny Sponge equidistant from it...

AceOfFools
2016-06-24, 02:19 PM
24. Tiny: a halfling out to prove you don't need strength to be a Barbarian. Wields a heavy axe.

25. Ebony Dark'ness: emo with obvious and creepy fetish for the undead.

26. Bonnie the Bard: has no ranks in perform, but can sing really loud.

27. Fat Bill: spends the intetview alterating between chewing with his mouth open and asking for more food.

28. Lucky Bill: 3-legged, but otherwise ordinary, mundabe rabbit. Doesn't understand human speech.

Strigon
2016-06-24, 03:05 PM
http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/vsbattles/images/f/f6/AdoringFan.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20160620185648

Draconi Redfir
2016-06-24, 03:15 PM
30) Yvijuxoork Vnapfnt the Gnomish Cleric of chaos.
Before she dedicated her life to chaos and anarchy, "Yivi" was a common gnome in a heavily regulated Gnomish sttlement. She got bored of that, and ran away, finding her now trusty Anarchic shortspear along side of the road, Yivi dedicated her life to the forces of chaos, depending on random chance and rolls of the die to determine her actions. Her first impression uppon meeting the PC's? Punching them square in the jaw because a dice told her too.


31) Bill Expenda the human citizen:
Bill hates his father, Bill Sr. So he needs to do something that will REALLY get back at him! The perfect job? why ADVENTURING of course! He has weapon profficency "dagger" and nothing else.

32)Grak togo the Goblin barbarian.
With a strength score of 4, and an intelligence of 25, this raging munchkin will give your enemies a beatdown in Ergonomics!

33)Sally forthwright the Preistess:
The perfect healer! She can do it all, cure poision, cure disease, cure wounds, cause wounds, raise dead, reanimate the dead, a true prodedgy in everything! Buuut she can't work weekends, wednesdays, anytime monday, tuesday, or thursday between 1am and 11pm, she's completely booked on friday, and if you don't wear an outfit worth at least ten grand in gold peices you shouldn't really bother.

trikkydik
2016-06-24, 06:23 PM
34.) Cosmo Kramer the Bard who used to play music for royalty in the highest reaches of the kingdom. He has good combat ability and is well adept with spells also. He has a drug addiction that he tells no one about, and is also the reason he got kicked out of the band, and was ultimately reduced to becoming a sell sword.

Upon first interview he seems lively and happy, (Because hes sober enough to perform well in the job interview.) but the more he gets put in the spot light, and the more tasks he is given. The quicker everyone finds out hes a useless drunk/drugee. He is the most inconsistent sell sword in the history of the kingdoms.

He is also quick to "sell out" any members of his team to make a quick buck or get a good high. (He could sell the secrets of your PC's operations)

Ultimately hes the worst employee ever. Hes the guy who unsuspectingly brings down the whole operation in a blaze of frustration and loathing.

Madbox
2016-06-25, 08:56 AM
35. Sir Axle the Paladin of Hedonism. This guy is devoted to the cause of hedonism. Drugs, booze? Yes please! Good thing he's immune to disease, because he hangs out in the cheapest brothel in town. Always wants more money, because hookers and blow don't pay for themselves.

LadyFoxfire
2016-06-26, 03:50 PM
Buckethead. So phenomenally ugly that he wears a bucket with eyeholes over his head at all times. Nobody has ever seen what he looks like, and that's probably for the best.

Lvl 2 Expert
2016-06-27, 01:08 AM
37 Sonar. An overall moderately competent scout who's literally very good at listening. Hears everything. Not known for his ability to keep secrets.

38 Sir Ian of Rhensworth. A knight among knights. Strong, brave, even sort of clever. Every now and then yells "yolo!" and does somethig random. Well, it's generally just one of the least helpful things to do, but he insists it is random.

39 Melina Rosegarten. Very competent nature caster in all regards. Also a nymph, she can't set foot outside of the large elven forest she lives in and will only be able to use a few remote spells through her scrying pond when the party goes adventuring in the rest of the world.

40 Nobody. Insists she isn't here. Also, totally not taking the last piece of dwarven ale cake. Because she couldn't do that if she wasn't here, could she? Wears a black cloak as a disguide, in the middle of the day, no stealth ability whatsoever. Does not seem interested in the job at all.

smmahoney21
2016-06-28, 09:42 PM
41: Ignar the Expert Engineer. Hailing from a proud warrior culture; Ignar was banished for being unable to talk about his passion: engineering. He will interrupt any serious or emotional conversation to interject a 10 minute tirade on building improvements to the aqueduct system of the town etc. Other NPCs caught in a conversation with him will try and dump him on the player.

42: Thalnor the Merchant: A half-orc merchant, Thalnor deals in one thing and one thing only: Javelins. He uses his hand crafted javelins as currency and gets the wood to make them from whatever is lying around: chairs, tables, etc.

Erth16
2016-06-29, 12:23 AM
43. Celice, He believes himself to be the chosen one, and insists that once he mounts his trusty steed he will be a terror on the battlefield, which he really will be. Now if he knew where his steed was. He refuses to ride any horse but his and during his interview he is eating glue, made from his steed.

Raimun
2016-06-29, 10:06 AM
44. The Sandwich Artisan.

The true master of his extremely narrow specialization. At the exclusion of any other kind of talent.

goto124
2016-06-29, 10:20 AM
What does he think when he hears someone say "woman, go make me a sandwich"?

Madbox
2016-06-29, 05:06 PM
44. The Sandwich Artisan.

The true master of his extremely narrow specialization. At the exclusion of any other kind of talent.
45. The Barista

Like the sandwich artisan, but with hot caffinated drinks.

GAZ
2016-06-29, 06:40 PM
46) Freegyurch, the gnoll hunstman who doesn't understand that humans can't eat meat that's been left to "ripen" in the midden for a while. Smells somehow worse than you're imagining.

47) Tuskmind, the incredibly sharp ogre diplomat. Absolutely convinced of his "fin'd ess" and believes that because he's smart and subtle compared to his ogre relatives that he's smart and subtle on an absolute level.

38) Brian, the wizard intern. Can't actually cast spells yet. Only here because his master said he needed some field experience before letting his graduate wizard college. Easily winded despite signing on as a porter.

39) Teflab, the gnome historian. World renowned expert of one specific region's specific era in time. Knows just enough about everything else to sound like he knows what he's talking about when he really hasn't a clue.

40) Venycia, the naturalist. Constantly distracted by planar beings, dragons, monsters, beasts, humanoids, humans, animals, bugs, plants, fungi, and molds. Kinda grimey. Actually puts her finger into peoples' mouths when she does that "one more minute" sign when they need her to do something other than complete her current sketch.

carebear
2016-06-29, 06:51 PM
51 Shawn the well seasoned adventurer has a bunch of cursed weapons (knowingly, or unknowingly) that can only be given to someone else.

52 Tom the well seasoned adventurer, has one of those dungeon diseases that is contagious

53 Uncle Vas the well seasoned adventurer has that greater bestow curse (epic) on him

54 Walt the well seasoned adventurer is venerable

55 Xenith the well seasoned adventurer, Frenzied Berzerker (he isnt allowed in the bar,guild,whatever)

56 Yenez the well seasoned adventurer, whats that class that casts evocation damage burst spells on itself?

57 Zel the well seasoned adventurer a guy that made pact magic /w a devil, or screwed over some wealthy family, or screwed over an assassin cult.

Jay R
2016-06-29, 09:08 PM
58 & 59. Felix and Doli: two dwarves who will serve you in hopes that you will lead them to revenge against the orc tribe that murdered their five brothers. [You need to know a couple of languages to recognize their names as “Happy” and “Grumpy”.]

Lord Raziere
2016-06-29, 09:55 PM
60. A Dragon-Blooded Immaculate Master who thinks he is being recruited to join a circle of "Anathema" in rebellion against the Scarlet empire he used to serve. Doesn't realize he is the wrong world/game.

61. tough competent looking swordsman....who doesn't speak any languages you know.

62. a person from Athas who is excited, happy and constantly babbling about the abundant wildlife and greenery around him, thinking that this world is a harmless paradise, with all the results you can expect from such an assumption

63. Frodo expy. is completely useless, not doing anything while the ring he has slowly corrupts and turns him evil, at times speaking in a creepy whisper

64. some faction person from Planescape. Holds to his factions philosophy above all else, no matter what. can't seem to figure out anything else to talk about.

65. evil warforged who constantly refers to all the humanoids around him as "meatbag", smart mouthed, sassy, snarky and all around sociopathic. comes in HK-47 and Bender models.

66. a fire genasi who can't control her flames and keeps setting fire to everything she touches. Is a bit of a klutz, and her chief interest is wood carving.

Strigon
2016-06-30, 08:07 AM
65. evil warforged who constantly refers to all the humanoids around him as "meatbag", smart mouthed, sassy, snarky and all around sociopathic. comes in HK-47 and Bender models.


It strikes me that giving your players the option to hire HK-47 under the assumption that they won't may be a bad idea.

Spamotron
2016-06-30, 11:13 AM
67. A kobold who is a brilliant master trapsmith. Incredibly speciest towards non-kobolds. Nasty habit of using slurs instead of names. Partly a fun thought exercise for what the draconic kobolds use as slurs and insults for the mostly mammalian PHB races.

68. Awakened/intelligent zombie. Polite and an excellent conversationalist. Acts as a completely tireless porter. Has picked up countless useful skills over decades of unlife. Has one of those rotting/toxic zombie templates. Smells worse than you can imagine.

Lvl 2 Expert
2016-06-30, 12:28 PM
69 Thaco Eleven. Dwarven paladin of a mortality goddess. Believes that we must all show bravery and strength of character through not using armor, dodging or anything else that prevents us from getting hit. If it's our time it's our time.

70 Halfbow. Lizardfolk ranger/hunter/tracker/something who swears by using the lightest possible bows for maximum precision, which then continue to predictably break (2D6 breaks on 2 for every shot he fires). Carries several spares and has ranks in craft (bow), but still generally runs out of bows before running out of arrows. The problem gets worse if his strength ever goes up.

71 The Hero of Dumpelo. Known far and wide. Always alert, always ready, always enjoying the safety of his own house. Gives out the best of advice when contacted through sending spells.

72 Leeroy Jenkiiiiiiiiins! Actually the perfect meat shield warrior. Will still be turned down based on his name and that suspicious little boost in move speed.

73 Bas Boevertoorn. A young minotaur with a Bachelor of Applied Druidology. If you ever need a spell, he can definitely get used to all the necessary equipment and research it in a week or two.

74 Fireman Joe. A brave commoner who has saved his city several times. Fights side by side with a war pony he is too large to ride, is on speaking terms with a flock of pegasi and carries a knife made of a dragons tooth. But despite all his adventures Joe never forgot where his roots lay. A horrible soldier.

hymer
2016-06-30, 01:13 PM
75: Horatio the Hard of Hearing. Speaks a tad loudly. When asked a question, he always replies with 'What?'. If asked again, he'll reply with 'I don't know', because he still couldn't hear what was said, but got tired of the whole back and forth.

carebear
2016-06-30, 02:39 PM
76 The necromancer. The one that said all the other mercenaries died of natural causes. PLUS, he substitutes as a cleric, well kinda.

Benthesquid
2016-06-30, 05:30 PM
77: John "Hangman" Jones, human bandit. His mates always told him he was born to hang, so he figures that he's pretty much invincible to any non-strangulation related damage.

78: Hathruvex, Half-Dragon cleric. Worships a god of law with an extremely convoluted holy text and endless volumes of interpretation. He's brought along a follower of his own, to carry the several dozen books that his contract fills.

Ninja_Prawn
2016-06-30, 05:54 PM
79. Tavari, pixie life coach. Follows you around, offering advice on how to do everything, but always has some kind of excuse for why she can't do anything herself.

80. Ioria, elven youth. Completely ordinary young woman with no dungeoneering skills whatsoever. Insists on going on every adventure because she's in love with one of your other hirelings.

Bohandas
2017-03-21, 01:06 PM
81) An elvish "boy detective" who's older than everyone else in the party

82.) A cleric of Olidammara (or other god of rogues) who is under a vow to smoke weed every day, is emcumbered by the large stone tablets and/or gold plates he wears as medallions, and speaks in aphorisms culled from rap songs.

Stealth Marmot
2017-03-21, 01:19 PM
83. Chad the Edgelord - Won't actually do any carrying of bags saying it's "Half orc work." Constantly makes racist, sexist, and homophobic statements and says he's just "politically incorrect", and will not shut up about pay gaps not existing. Wears a trilby, calls it a "fedora" and has flame patters on his tunic.


44. The Sandwich Artisan.

The true master of his extremely narrow specialization. At the exclusion of any other kind of talent.

Arthur Dent?

Beleriphon
2017-03-21, 03:12 PM
81) An elvish "boy detective" who's older than everyone else in the party

84. A Jonny Quest expy, complete with Hadji, Dr Quest and Race Bannon tagging along.

85. The Scooby Gang expies: The "alchemist" druid Shaggor with an awakened dog animal companion Dubert (read it like you're French), the wizard Wilhemina, Deidre the rogue, and Francis the paladin.

86: And odd couple expy, Bert and Ernie are one example, Jay and Silent Bob are another. Not in a relationship with each other, but definitely inseparable.

Bohandas
2017-03-21, 03:23 PM
87.) an elven counterfeiter

88.) the crossdressing lumberjack from monty python's flying circus

89.) a lizardman badly disguised as a human

90.) a misanthropic dog-obsessed druid based loosely on the eccentric greek philosopher Diogenes of Sinope

91.) a druid of olidammara who goes on and on and on about smokable plants

92.) a stone giant bard who wears a full sized grandfather clock as a medallion around his neck

noob
2017-03-21, 03:40 PM
I want Grak togo the Goblin barbarian in my team right now: he is way cooler than any normal barbarian.

solidork
2017-03-21, 03:42 PM
92. Untrustworthy Doug - totally promises you to help move a couch, but always backs out.

Braininthejar2
2017-03-21, 04:36 PM
93: Greg :A healer with a drinking problem - a hateful sociopath when sober, due to past trauma. Useless when drunk. Very competent if you can hit the very narrow middle ground.

Bohandas
2017-03-21, 04:47 PM
95.) Sausage maker who is confused with a witch due to the strong overlap of ingredients between witches' brews and hotdogs

96.) Just out of rehab for addiction to magical jewelry/rings

97.) hireling's good attitude is a result of addiction to potions of good hope

Braininthejar2
2017-03-21, 05:34 PM
98: A bunch of soldiers in splint mails, talking in strange accent. Claim to be from Rome, wherever that is, but apparently lost their army, and then the rest of the legion. Competent fighters, but no sense of direction whatsoever.

King539
2017-03-21, 07:21 PM
99: Joe the Magnificent Wizard! He can pull rabbits out of his hat. And not much else.

Coventry
2017-03-21, 09:10 PM
100. Francis, eldest son of the local crime boss. He's on the payroll, or else. He never shows up, but his time card always shows that he's working.

101. Niven. Actually someone else, hiding from Johnny Law and/or his former partners in crime under an assumed identity.

Lord Ruby34
2017-03-21, 09:29 PM
Eventually, my party is going to need to hire an airship crew. This will be an absolutely wonderful well of ideas.

denthor
2017-03-21, 10:06 PM
Buckethead. So phenomenally ugly that he wears a bucket with eyeholes over his head at all times. Nobody has ever seen what he looks like, and that's probably for the best.

otherwiseknown as Cobra Commander! !

Bohandas
2017-03-22, 01:44 AM
102.) a town watchman named John Law

Tiktik Ironclaw
2017-03-22, 03:50 PM
103. Pee Ci of Arr Nienkay-a sociopath suffering from autism, he tends to stab things with no provocation, fixate on the most pointless things, and has no social skills beyond insulting people with racial and gender slurs.

104. Failfail-a kobold with a Str of 1, burdened with 300 lb. of gear.

105. Flop the Polf-a wizard with Int 3, he believes himself the greatest wizard of all time. He comes from an entire clan of Polfs, all with the worst stats possible for their classes.

Lib Ido-a cunning lass who is steadfastly loyal and extremely competent...unless you happen to be fighting hulking, muscular men...or handsome lads with charming smiles...or well-educated gentlemen...or anything with a Y-chromosome.

Also, denthor, what's so ugly about a guy with a Fu Manchu and a ponytail?

Arbane
2017-03-22, 10:19 PM
107: Collin Rushforth - a low-level melee fighter with all the tactical sense of a stunned hamster. Prone to charging into battle ahead of everyone else and getting clobbered, springing traps, and getting separated from everyone else. Should probably be dead a dozen times over by now, but his inexplicable survival might be related to the large red 'REJECTED' stamp that's visible on his aura with Detect Magic.

108: Doctor Shann - Claims to be an alchemist and medical doctor. Has bedside manner that makes Dr. Frankenstein look good, and similar ethics in experimentation.

109: Gorynch Lumpenproletariat - communist Gnome Rogue. Good at their job, will try to unionize the other workers and may get busted for political agitation when off duty.

110: Kabuto Beiri - a warrior from the Mysterious East, trained in esoteric sword-fighting techniques... and a low-level layabout who has a supernatural skill for avoiding work and combat.

JAL_1138
2017-03-22, 10:25 PM
44. The Sandwich Artisan.

The true master of his extremely narrow specialization. At the exclusion of any other kind of talent.




Arthur Dent?

The Sandwich Maker from Bob! Does his best work with meat from Perfectly Normal Beasts. Which are in no way whatsoever any kind of normal, although they are almost certainly beasts. Also knows how to fly at will ("You just have to throw yourself at the ground and miss"), but largely quit after learning to communicate with birds, which as it turned out was a bit of a mistake because birds never shut up about a) mating and b) mind-numbingly mundane talk of weather, food, etc., although he took it up again briefly for a few interesting nights with a lovely young lady who later mysteriously vanished from his side while traveling between worlds (or, rather, when the Sandwich Artisan mysteriously vanished from her side, having been shunted into an alternate dimension). Has a bit of a limp from a traveling accident he prefers not to discuss, or even think about, preferring to focus instead on his sandwiches.



5. Friedrich the fashionable mercenary: Friedrich may not be a dangerous fighter, but with his puff-and-slash sleeves, particolored hose and enormous hats, he sure looks the part. Friedrich is always in the vanguard, at least when there's an opportunity to pillage the enemy baggage train for more cloth.

...Aside from the name, this is basically my bard. Landsknecht-style attire and the most ridiculous oversized feather-adorned hats he can find. Normally a hypercautious paranoid loony, will split the party and go off alone to visit a tailor or hatter if they pass through a prosperous town or city. Occasionally steals fine clothing or fabric from foes.

Stealth Marmot
2017-03-23, 07:12 AM
The Sandwich Maker from Bob! Does his best work with meat from Perfectly Normal Beasts. Which are in no way whatsoever any kind of normal, although they are almost certainly beasts. Also knows how to fly at will ("You just have to throw yourself at the ground and miss"), but largely quit after learning to communicate with birds, which as it turned out was a bit of a mistake because birds never shut up about a) mating and b) mind-numbingly mundane talk of weather, food, etc., although he took it up again briefly for a few interesting nights with a lovely young lady who later mysteriously vanished from his side while traveling between worlds (or, rather, when the Sandwich Artisan mysteriously vanished from her side, having been shunted into an alternate dimension). Has a bit of a limp from a traveling accident he prefers not to discuss, or even think about, preferring to focus instead on his sandwiches.


Someone knows where his towel is.

Braininthejar2
2017-03-23, 02:24 PM
111 A sassy mimic who wants to become an adventurer

Bohandas
2017-03-23, 08:03 PM
112.) a changeling who spends all their time mocking the PCs and other hirelings, complete with changing shape to match them

113.) A former adventurer who took an arrow to the knee

114.) A pyromaniacal evoker

DuctTapeKatar
2017-03-23, 08:38 PM
Hazel, the Princess of Roads

Born on the road, this young woman is the heir to an ancient kingdom, but the kingdom is so ancient that a lot of other kingdoms were built up on its corpse. Regardless, she still acts like a princess, and will certainly remind her companions that she is, in fact, royalty, and should be treated as such. She is followed by two hooded cultists who raised her, claiming to be the last few who know about the kingdom's secrets, and they both are probably to blame for spoiling her. She is a somewhat competent magician, but are only useful outside of combat, making stew, doing laundry, mere parlor tricks, etc.

Despite the bratty attitude and complete uselessness in a battle (she likes to hide behind the largest, heaviest thing nearby, and if that is a paladin, so be it), she is quite charismatic, and thanks to her time on the road, knows more about the kingdoms than those who rule them, and can slip into almost any society with ease. She is almost pretty enough to tolerate, too!


Dorian, the Mighty Walrus

This fighter is wears a suit of mail that is impenetrable! Unfortunately, it is so heavy that he hobbles around on land, kinda like a seal or other aquatic mammal that looks ridiculous moving on shore. He is quite pleasant, but is so afraid of fighting that he rarely takes off the armor, even when sleeping. He claims to have enough space in it to fit a bedroll and nap comfortably. Spends his free time practicing acupuncture, with mixed success.

SomeNerd
2017-03-23, 11:14 PM
117. Mr. Magic

An elderly dual-class sorcerer/bard who acts more like a stage magician. Would probably be fairly effective at misdirection in combat... except for the fact that all of his spells are tuned towards stage shows, he doesn't really know too well how to use them to fight, and his charisma score isn't even good (probably in the 6-8 range). Still makes a decent distraction, although he'll probably annoy the party's female members by trying to get one of them to be his 'lovely assistant' (with the exact outfit that phrase brings to mind).

118. Professor Garwin

Professor Gawin (Ph.D., DDS, MA, BA, CPA, BaB, ABC, BAA, NBA, MS, BFA) is a fairly dubiously useful character. Sure, he has a bunch of knowledge skills... like Knowledge (Rocketry), Knowledge (Macroeconomics), and Knowledge (William Shakespeare). He also has a few profession skills, such as Profession (Plumber), Profession (Car Mechanic), and Profession (Hedge Fund Manager). All in all, a very skillful individual, who just so happens to be utterly useless in a medieval fantasy setting.

119. The kitten swarm

Someone left this box of kittens on the doorstep. It says "to a good home" on it. ...well, everyone knows that cats are stronger than commoners, right? What could go wrong? They actually do, collectively, have the class levels of Sorcerer 1/Fighter 1. They aren't awakened or anything like that though.

120. Paperwork Elemental

A denizen of the Elemental Plane of Bureaucracy. Fairly powerful, but it has to spend a bunch of time signing several forms in triplicate before it's "allowed to" do anything. (The fact that it's not actually submitting these forms to anyone is lost on it. Also, if you ask it if it needs to fill out a form to be allowed to submit forms, it will collapse into a pile of carbon copies)

121. Jacob the Veteran

A high-level specialist in two-weapon fighting, his legend is spoken of in whispers, up to the point when he mysteriously retired years ago. ...turns out he got an arm cut off by a cursed weapon. He still tries to fight, but without being able to fight using two weapons at once, he's actually really bad at it.

Storm_Of_Snow
2017-03-24, 05:12 AM
otherwiseknown as Cobra Commander! !
But only when not performing as part of Guns'n'Roses :smallwink:

122. "Sneezy" Dave - great guy, loyal, trustworthy, decent with a blade, fun to spend a night in the tavern with, but... you know how some people sneeze when they walk into bright light, and then they're fine? Dave's kind of like that, but rather than light, he reacts to high-stress situations. That careful ambush you just laid? He just sneezed and alerted everyone.

noob
2017-03-24, 05:25 AM
114.) A pyromaniacal evoker
Who also went to the elemental plane of fire and killed fire elementals with fire(you can totally do that)

Beleriphon
2017-03-24, 10:13 AM
111 A sassy mimic who wants to become an adventurer

123. A rust monster that just wants to be somebody's adorable pet.
124. An awakened gelatinous cube rogue/fighter.

Thaneus
2017-03-24, 10:39 AM
125. Ezebul the Truenamer, with a chronic issue of forgetting people names

Arbane
2017-03-24, 12:31 PM
123. A rust monster that just wants to be somebody's adorable pet.
124. An awakened gelatinous cube rogue/fighter.

126. A naive Paladin who fights with gardening implements.

Bohandas
2017-03-24, 11:51 PM
127.) Addicted to vodare

128.) Two peg legs

129.) Suffers from almost cartoonishly extreme shellshock; should not be near combat

130.) Lips permanently stained red due to addiction to potions of Fox's Cunning

131.) Wears fancy clothes that he constantly worries about getting ripped or dirty

wumpus
2017-03-25, 11:34 AM
45. The Barista

Like the sandwich artisan, but with hot caffeinated drinks.

For less useless hirelings, this could be a package deal with the caffeine-addicted wizard. Possibly part of a sage's retinue.

Bohandas
2017-03-25, 06:20 PM
133.) Supposedly experienced "Jester" is more birthday party clown

134.) A murderous birthday party clown

Bohandas
2017-03-31, 05:24 PM
135.) Doing this to research a part in a play

136.) Terrible BO

137.) Aggressively vegan

138.) Obsessed Nugent-esque hunter. Constantly fights with #137 (above).

SomeNerd
2017-03-31, 08:47 PM
139) The BBEG's son, trying to make some pocket change to buy a new grimoire. Doesn't really get the whole 'not an evil organization' thing.

140) An awakened magpie

141) A wizard with tourettes syndrome: every time he casts a spell with a somatic component, roll a d20. On a non-prime result, a tic causes him to flub the spell; roll on a Rod of Wonder chart of your choice instead of the spell's normal effects.

142) A literal god. Insists on being paid in virgin sacrifices and crystallized moonlight, refuses to do any job that is "beneath him" (which is all of them), and is extremely stuck-up. If you actually get him to do a job, it turns out he only has Divine Rank 0 (which is probably worth something on its own, but not as much as he was talking himself up), and is otherwise a level 1 commoner.

143) Bob. Somehow has literally no class levels. Has 1 HP and a -3 penalty to all skills and saves, and an additional -10 penalty to his will save. Due to a clerical error (of both kinds) he has constantly-refreshing contingent true resurrection placed on him, and as a result has earned the enmity of the extremely competent, extremely dangerous assassin-wizard-prince Robert who the spell was originally meant for.

144) Bad Deadpool. Thinks he has medium awareness... but is absolutely convinced that he's a player character in a game of Exalted or Call of Cthulhu.

Bohandas
2017-04-01, 02:05 AM
145.) A new age woo-woo enthusiast who appears all the more incompetent for being in a setting where there are other forms of magic that actually work.

146.) Compulsive liar

147.) Compulsive gambler

146.) A bhaalspawn who talks like Jesus, if Jesus was a goth or a metalhead (or more a combination of both). "In my father's house there are many graves", "this is a dead body, take it all of you and eat it", "you are the salt of the earth, sown so the land might bear no friut", "if anyone's hand offends thee, cut it off", that sort of thing. And he turns the water rations into bile, and he spits acid in someone's eyes to blind them.

Skelechicken
2017-04-03, 10:40 PM
149.) A local TV celebrity and "wilderness survival expert" who is used to having heavily staged survival scenes crafted for them. Is pretty confident they can find water in most substances if they squeeze hard enough. May or may not be severely dehydrated at all times.

150.) A narcoleptic summoner with a tendency to sleep-summon whatever they're dreaming about.

151.) A crawling claw wearing a wig and glasses trying to pass as a Dragonborn bard.

152.) A motivational speaker who deals with corporate synergy. Guarantees they can get this group operating at 110%!

Bohandas
2017-04-04, 08:44 AM
153.) An eladrin and an obryith that work together as consultants. It's like the cliche of an angel and a devil on your shoulder, except these ones also have ADD

Feddlefew
2017-04-04, 09:11 AM
154) Ancient Lich, seeking new thrills, takes part time job doing menial labor for low level adventurers.

sengmeng
2017-04-06, 09:59 PM
155) Prince or princess passing themselves off as a commoner for lulz, and failing badly.

Doorhandle
2017-04-07, 07:02 AM
156) Umok the compulsively gnambling gnome, who's great at swindling people out of fortunes and terrible at keeping his longer than a night.

157)Niklo; On his meds, he's a weedy little kid. Off his meds, he's a frenzied beserker...that never stops raging or attacking things. The meds take 10 minutes to kick in, and he's incapable of raging while on them.

158) Brock: an ogre who insists on being paid in food, and betrays the party at the slightest provocation if food is offered.

159) Jigo, a rogue who's impossibly amazing at escaping jail...because they keep getting caught.

160) Lazley; the overly promiscuous bard. Has a ex-girlfriend or a illegitimate offspring in every town. He's been working his ass off to pay child support, but the fact he visits the cleric every thursday to get remove disease cast on him provides some doubt about him succeeding.

161) Michel McMichels: A hypercompetent adventurer... with a max HP of 1.

162) Salvos: A paladin of Zon-kython with all-consuming masochistic tendencies. This wouldn't be so bad if they could actually HIT anything.

163) Erisu: a demoted goddess, who causes more collateral damage than she can pay for, while simultaneously spending any money she can scavenge on beer. Oh and every undead within a 50 mile radius wants a piece of her delicious god-flesh.

164) A level 1 gnome wizard who can cast one 9th level spell a day...and then falls uncious at -9hp afterwards. No other useful skills.

Bohandas
2017-04-08, 11:27 AM
165.) Pretentious chef. Demands expensive ingredients. In the dang forest.

noob
2017-04-09, 08:24 AM
161) Michel McMichels: A hypercompetent adventure... with a max HP of 1.
166.)A wizard with a maximum hp of 0 he lose consciousness when his spells giving him temporary hp are dispelled.

Lo'Tek
2017-04-09, 04:02 PM
167.) an actual assassin. Like a chaotic evil has two plans to kill you assassin, not a friendly assassin.

168.) Llywelyn the Shy / the Blade / the Deadlocked
Silent, defensive, secluded person with a bladed weapon.
Hiring provides a fame / reputation bonus but gets others killed
Not a hero: only joins groups of hirelings / fights mooks.
Points / Feats from Rogue / Fighter. Evasion / Parry.
Born to not be mundane: must learn a first level spell.
Shows absolutly no interest in magic at all.

Blends into groups, prefers to hide, flees when talked to.
Charismatic: gets compared to a level 0 fighter.
When in combat reduces enemy moral until hit.

Quite good at diverting attackers to anyone else,
especially allied npcs less skilled at handling them.
In denial: unaware of the obvious problem.

No intention to lead or be a center of attention.
Tripleclassed: Rouge 1, Fighter 1, Mage 0
Old dog: no points left to learn new tricks.

Avoids player characters, expects payment
Expensive: counts as a 3rd level officer.
Deadlocked by design: must level evenly.

noob
2017-04-09, 06:06 PM
So it have levels in a color.
Everybody knows Red 3/scout 0/Spadassin 0/Rouge 4/ fighter 0.

Velaryon
2017-04-09, 06:23 PM
Buckethead. So phenomenally ugly that he wears a bucket with eyeholes over his head at all times. Nobody has ever seen what he looks like, and that's probably for the best.

But thankfully, he's a pretty good guitarist (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buckethead). :smallcool:

Calthropstu
2017-04-09, 09:17 PM
169: The 2nd edition D&D wild mage, who insists on solving all problems with spells.

Chogokin
2017-04-11, 05:04 PM
A little backstory: When I was in college, one of the only available AD&D games was run by a guy who always had an NPC accompany the party. This NPC was invariably a character the GM played in a game 'at home', and was both higher level than the PCs, had managed to 'naturally' roll 18's in every stat and max hit points, and generally had some selection of either the best loot from the back of the DMG, some unique items from a module, or some homebrew monstrosity of a magic weapon, or a mix thereof. Generally, the adventure would revolve around the NPC leading the party into some fantastically dangerous high-level module that the NPC wasn't quite strong enough to solo, so that the NPC could acquire some specific piece of gear in a semi-legitimate fashion so he could then return to his 'home' campaign at an even higher level of power. You guys probably know the type. Thus:

170. The Slumming Demigod. This 'hireling' is a level 1.5X (where X is the average level of the party) half-dragon/half-god (from the optional rules published in Dragon Magazine Issue XXX!) dual-classed Dimensional High-Lord (from the optional supplement published by -----------, which allows dual-wielding greatswords while casting Magic-User spells at the same level, with Barbarian hit dice and Paladin saves)/Psi-Assassin (from... oh, who gives a flip?). The Demigod only shows up and offers his services when the party is either known to be heading for a place of interest, or if he can steer the party in the desired direction. This tall, muscular, handsome, witty gentleman, of urbane intelligence, tends to avoid the limelight, but when bored will challenge party members to drinking or arm-wrestling competitions, which he invariable wins. In a fight, he generally does not take the lead, but will wander around the periphery of the action, exterminating minions in a single blow... without ever missing, not even once. He only intervenes when it is absolutely necessary, if the PCs are on the ropes against the big boss, at which point the Demigod, having taken only cosmetic damage at best due to an insanely high AC, a Ring of Regeneration, and having made all his saves, will proceed to wipe the floor with an opponent who nearly TPK'd everyone else. At this point, he will claim the most unique and powerful item of treasure as his just reward, and vanish into the sunset.

Doorhandle
2017-04-12, 07:40 AM
A little backstory: When I was in college, one of the only available AD&D games was run by a guy who always had an NPC accompany the party. This NPC was invariably a character the GM played in a game 'at home', and was both higher level than the PCs, had managed to 'naturally' roll 18's in every stat and max hit points, and generally had some selection of either the best loot from the back of the DMG, some unique items from a module, or some homebrew monstrosity of a magic weapon, or a mix thereof. Generally, the adventure would revolve around the NPC leading the party into some fantastically dangerous high-level module that the NPC wasn't quite strong enough to solo, so that the NPC could acquire some specific piece of gear in a semi-legitimate fashion so he could then return to his 'home' campaign at an even higher level of power. You guys probably know the type. Thus:

170. The Slumming Demigod. This 'hireling' is a level 1.5X (where X is the average level of the party) half-dragon/half-god (from the optional rules published in Dragon Magazine Issue XXX!) dual-classed Dimensional High-Lord (from the optional supplement published by -----------, which allows dual-wielding greatswords while casting Magic-User spells at the same level, with Barbarian hit dice and Paladin saves)/Psi-Assassin (from... oh, who gives a flip?). The Demigod only shows up and offers his services when the party is either known to be heading for a place of interest, or if he can steer the party in the desired direction. This tall, muscular, handsome, witty gentleman, of urbane intelligence, tends to avoid the limelight, but when bored will challenge party members to drinking or arm-wrestling competitions, which he invariable wins. In a fight, he generally does not take the lead, but will wander around the periphery of the action, exterminating minions in a single blow... without ever missing, not even once. He only intervenes when it is absolutely necessary, if the PCs are on the ropes against the big boss, at which point the Demigod, having taken only cosmetic damage at best due to an insanely high AC, a Ring of Regeneration, and having made all his saves, will proceed to wipe the floor with an opponent who nearly TPK'd everyone else. At this point, he will claim the most unique and powerful item of treasure as his just reward, and vanish into the sunset.

Aaah, the (not)humble Dungeon-Master Player Character(DMPC). The single most reliable way to piss off the players.:smallfrown:

What a jerk of a DM.

171. A goblin wearing 30 necklaces of fireball. Immense destructive power, but if he so much as trips, there's going to be a new crater on the map...

172. A theoretical physicist. As in, he has a theoretical degree in physics...

173. A warrior with what he insists is a powerful werewolf form...that's basically a chihuahuana. He'll try to transform into it (full form, not hybrid) at every opportunity, and will even try to get mode-locked into that form, despite it's obvious weakness.

Bohandas
2017-05-07, 06:11 PM
174.) Porter with a bad back

175.) Scribe with carpal tunnel syndrome

Madbox
2017-05-08, 04:52 AM
176.) John Jacob Jingleheimer-Smith, the bard. Is reasonably competent, but is cursed so that anyone who is within earshot substitutes his name for all nouns.

JAL_1138
2017-05-08, 05:32 AM
177: A reaaonably competent hireling most of the time, but is utterly and unshakably convinced he's still in Barovia, despite having escaped with a Vistani caravan several years ago. Constantly spouts doom and gloom, and goes on about how any efforts of the party are ultimately futile because the Dark Powers will see to it that the status quo is restored. Goes completely catatonic with fear/flashbacks if he sees fog or mist, this condition lasting several hours after he can no longer see the fog or mist that caused it.

Lvl 2 Expert
2017-05-08, 08:21 AM
178. Jasper the Awkward:

Jasper is the kind of man who blends in anywhere, awkwardly. He can smoothly disappear into a crowd of bodyguards as that guy who's never looking the right way. He can visit a royal ball as that person who only knows two dances and one of them is the macarena. He can infiltrate a laboratory as a weird technician who tells one too many inappropriate jokes about women and he'll fit into a street racing gang like a bloke who gets a bit too exited about that nice chromed air intake. He's not about screwing up, mind you, he gets the job done most of the time. Anyone observing him just can't help wondering how.

179. Flint'in Quarantino:

Loves violent movies/books/campfire stories (depending on setting). Loves, loves, loves. Especially the violent parts. Can't stop talking about them. A beautiful woman could look him in the eyes and ask him sensually where he wants to go tonight and within two sentences he'd have the conversation back to that bloody shootout in Copkiller Diaries III. Nobody has actually seen him in action, for some reason people always seem to reconsider taking him on any kind of mission.

180. Mary the Plain:

Completely, almost creepily ordinary in every way. Yes, even that one (http://names.mongabay.com/female_names.htm).

181. The Shadow:

The Shadow? The Shadow. The Shadow! (And that's all you'll ever hear anyone explain about him/her.)

JAL_1138
2017-05-08, 09:02 AM
181. The Shadow:

The Shadow? The Shadow. The Shadow! (And that's all you'll ever hear anyone explain about him/her.)

May or may not know what evil lurks in the hearts of men. Also may or may not have a dog named Interceptor.

Bohandas
2017-05-08, 10:46 AM
182.) Bubba, a fat, easily winded, out of shape porter

sengmeng
2017-05-08, 01:07 PM
183. Ulthren the Unlucky

Ulthren is the finest swordsman of his generation. He had to be to overcome the terrible misfortunes that routinely befell him. He's currently missing an eye, his left hand, and the use of his legs, but he can still swing his sword. You just need to lift him onto the saddle, strap him in, and he's ready to go!

Cealocanth
2017-05-15, 01:28 PM
184.) Amren, the Man of Many Talents - Yes, this man is quite talented indeed. Talented in what, you may ask? Well, all manner of things. He knows everything from how to age a fine cheddar to how to properly grow hithlas in swampy soil. He can spin a rope from human hair and craft a beautiful stained-glass window given the right materials. He can charm a beautiful princess and do a triple-flip ending in a handstand. Yes, Amren can do it all, as long as it doesn't involve swinging a blade, shooting a bow, casting a spell, or being in immediate danger.

185.) Melissa the Liar - Melissa is a very talented warrior, the Archmage of the town of Willowton (you've probably never heard of it), and is a legendary thief wanted in 14 obscure kingdoms. She's also a paladin of Pelor and a cleric of the Raven Queen. Also, she had three parents, and one of them was the goddess Melora, which makes her a demigod. She's also lived for a thousand years and is completely immortal. She's also the chosen one of a thousand prophecies all of which she has completed and saved the world within. She can also speak to horses and walk on water, as well as banish vampires with a wink. Why wouldn't you want to hire her? (Proceeds to die in the first combat.)

186.) Sam the Shifty - Hey, man. You're new in town, right? You look tough, like you could handle a few town guards, right? I have this accomplice and we're trying to...deliver something to my friend over in the next town. If you're interested, we might just give you a little taste. What? Illegal? Well, I would never think of such a thing. What unicorn horn? That's not mine! I've never seen that in my life!

Lvl 2 Expert
2017-05-15, 01:49 PM
187. "Blingbling" Martina:

We don't know how it happened, whether she is blessed by the gods or a freak of nature, but we know that Martina has the extraordinary and to our knowledge unique ability to wear as many magic rings as physically possible (while still being worn as a separate ring-like item, no necklaces or ringmail). As a result she has taken to collecting rings. Every time she has money she burns it on another +2 to profession (tax collector) or a ones daily dancing lights. She now wears several on each finger, a few on her toes and a couple punched into her ears and even her tongue. Does not know what she wants to do with her life, because any specialization would mean most of her rings are now practically useless.

Kid Jake
2017-05-15, 03:56 PM
188. The Mad Cow.

A furious heifer that follows your group whether you want her to or not. The beast seems to live for battle, throwing herself into every conflict with reckless abandon and crushing your enemies beneath her mighty hooves even as they beg for mercy. However, whether she's actually intelligent enough to be considered malevolent or just a stupid cow that always seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time is impossible to say.

Braininthejar2
2017-05-15, 07:52 PM
189: Gus. Fat and slow, but reasonably tough. Just don't make him make any stealth checks - he gets explosively flatulent under stress.

Bohandas
2017-05-19, 04:10 AM
190.) Omeop, an extremely forgetful water genasi or water elemental herbalist whose nostrums never work because he keeps forgetting to mix in the active ingredient.

Bohandas
2017-05-20, 01:46 AM
191.) The uninspirational minstrels from Monty Python and he Holy Grail who sing unnerving things about the dangers ahead ("he was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken...") and memorialize embarassing moments in song (" Brave asir Robin ran away. When danger reared it's ugly head he bravely turned his tail and fled; yes brave sir robin turned about and gallantly he chickened out")

sengmeng
2017-05-25, 06:43 PM
192. Lydia from Skyrim.

Lord Lemming
2017-05-27, 05:03 AM
192. Lydia from Skyrim.

I don't get why everyone hates Lydia; I quite liked her. In my hundreds of hours playing the game, I can count on one hand the number of times I (unintentionally) got her killed. She's a reliable damage sponge, does decent damage early on, and can lug around hundreds of pounds of dragon bones that would otherwise be quite a pain to drag back to town.

193: The Black Knight. A legendary warrior, clad in imposing black armor and armed with a deadly greatsword.

He's also a quadruple amputee, can only attack by attempting to bite the legs of his enemies (through his face-concealing helmet), and never lets anyone pass ANYTHING.

From Monty Python and the Holy Grail, for the two or three people who may not get it.

sengmeng
2017-05-27, 08:38 AM
I don't get why everyone hates Lydia; I quite liked her. In my hundreds of hours playing the game, I can count on one hand the number of times I (unintentionally) got her killed. She's a reliable damage sponge, does decent damage early on, and can lug around hundreds of pounds of dragon bones that would otherwise be quite a pain to drag back to town.

Sorry, should have said "classic Lydia"

Her dialogue was really irritating when the game first came out, to the point where they patched it to make her less of a pain. Let that sink in.

Bohandas
2017-06-19, 12:26 PM
194.) Constantly sick and vomits on everything
195.) Chef with comically poor hygeine

Floopay
2017-06-19, 06:06 PM
I've done incompetent employees in the past.

One schtick that never gets old, is to give them a PERFECT applicant. Then when he gets hired, they learn that he's really just an excellent liar, with zero work ethic. The one I had used to take jobs, and he'd come back saying they were completed and etc. A few weeks later, they found a host of PO'd clients.

It turned out, their merc was just going off and doing his own thing, and then he'd lie to the clients. He'd tell them he slew the dragon, or bandits, or whatever it was. Then he'd come back, and take a new job. However, most of the clients got so bogged down in handling the issues the merc was supposed to handle, that it took them forever to get back to the merc guild and demand their money back, and for them to actually handle the problem.

He basically destroyed their reputation with a buttload of clients. It was awesome, the party wound up doing some pretty epic quests and jobs to build their reputation back up.

Just something to consider.

Thanks for reading,
Floopay

Bohandas
2017-06-20, 09:55 PM
197.) A legendary oracle or guru who turns out to speak in vapid or irrelevant but vaguely deep sounding statements that resemble a cross between fortune cookies and snapple facts

Cisturn
2017-06-21, 12:23 AM
198) Chet the Vet - This guy has been henching for a while now. He knows the ins and outs like the back of his hand. But he's pricey, and he's going to tell if you if he doesn't the PCs plans (He never likes the PCs plans). All of this would be tolerable, except that a few months ago Chet had a breakdown and now he's petrified to go anywhere near a dungeon. So you can expect Chet to argue literally any plan that involves adventuring.

199) Lucky Bill - he's a nice enough guy most of the time, but whenever he sees a potion he's compelled to drink it on the spot. Why? He doesn't know. But it's always worked out well for him so far.

200) Giselle the Alchemist - She's a highly specialized and very competent brewer of fine potions. The only issue is that her supplies are back home at the lab. So she really can't do anything right now except take some samples and sit around. The worst news is she's not even very skilled at hireling things anyway.

Wraith
2017-06-21, 03:43 AM
201) Sir Bearington (http://imgur.com/r/195/6aGwHqf)


Buckethead. So phenomenally ugly that he wears a bucket with eyeholes over his head at all times. Nobody has ever seen what he looks like, and that's probably for the best.

202) Conversely, Lord Buckethead (https://www.buckethead4maidenhead.com/about/)

Bohandas
2017-06-21, 07:56 PM
203.) Higgins- This stout warrior would be a formidible addition to the team, if he hadn't been polymorphed into a tiny rat

goto124
2017-06-22, 02:19 AM
203a) When the Polymorph is somehow dispelled, it turns out the human is just a regular civilian with no combat skills.

203b) It's just a rat.

Spore
2017-06-22, 05:30 PM
204) The named mook: Destined to die within the next two minutes, this hireling is often clad in red clothing. His entire conversation is between "I think it's safe" and "This looks a bit dangerous" with the former being the more dangerous sentence. For him, at least.

MarkVIIIMarc
2017-06-22, 11:42 PM
205 Inspired by a real people. A human Bard liar. We have people who claim to be Navy Seals or Marines or Rangers. Let one of those get hired thanks to their tall tales and humor is sure to follow.

Bohandas
2017-07-22, 07:09 AM
206.) Cleve - Interrogation specialist - the most intimidating thing about this interrogator is how clearly deranged he is. In addition to using methods akin to the soft cushion torture from the "unexpected spanish inquisition" episode of Monty Python he's also convinced that he can communicate with inanimate and inert objects and attempts unsuccessfully to use them as spies

207.) Sailor who can't swim and is afraid of water

208.) ineptly lecherous hireling who makes passes at warforged and dromite party members

Lo'Tek
2017-07-22, 12:24 PM
209) The double fake exit strategy

A travelling snake-oil merchant of small trinkets wants to skip town safely and cheaply with a simple con: hire as a merc with special knowledge, fake a client with a simple matching mission (find flowers), get paid by guild to skip town, sell some trash on the side. If the PCs do not notice that something is fishy with him/her, they must decide if they write it off or go for a search and collect (-> shakedown).

210) Tolana, the wannabe

A disgruntled person complains about a mission the guild never took, sold by young lad Tolan who never worked for them.
The name is fake and "Tolan" turns out to be even younger than the customer described, woefully underequipped and very dead. Bonus guilt points if the description of the corpse has someone remember recruitment day. Can be saved if PC guild runs a school (-> missing student).

FreddyNoNose
2017-07-22, 07:08 PM
211) Grunk the Monk: A long time wanderer, part time adventurer, poet and hand to hand fighter. He is old, dresses in traditional monk clothing. At one time he worked as cook on a wagon gang. He once assisted an extraplaner being who rewarded him by permanently casting upon Grunk three spells: Detect Invisibility, Protection from Evil, and Protection from Normal Missiles.

212) Killie the Bid: Former crooked auctioneer who got his name from fixing auctions. He talks quickly and loudly and some believe he is immune to silence spells.

213) Jenny the Witch: Hot looking witch who doesn't possess many abilities. Her potions often wrong leaving the imbiber with purple skin for a day or two. Although sometimes the potions are of double strength (ex: healing potion does double healing) or double duration.

214) Seyser Koze: An inept and incapable man that people tell horror stories about.

ElFi
2017-07-22, 09:55 PM
215) The Questionably Sane Inventor
This blonde, bespectacled woman seems normal enough, until talk turns to matters of SCIENCE, at which point her voice drops to a lower octave and she'll ramble on until exhaustion if not stopped. Has a noted tendency to cannibalize anything even vaguely resembling machinery to construct an ever-growing arsenal of debatably-useful inventions, which tend to explode if they're nudged wrong and show a distressingly common trend of gaining sentience and attempting to declare their unmatched superiority over all organic life. That being said, if you need a coffee machine fixed up, she's your girl.

216) The Princess from Afar
Between the wild neon hair and oddly-toned skin, it's clear this sword-wielding Amazon isn't from around here- in fact, she's so not from "around here" that she's not entirely sure where her home actually is; hence why she's following a bunch of adventurers around in the first place. Capable in combat when needed, but often throttles enemies demanding information about her homeland (even in the middle of battle), then killing them before they actually get a chance to respond.

217) The Talking Cat
This Awakened white-furred feline is quite insistent on the fact that he isn't accompanying you, you're accompanying him. Apparently, his former master designed him to lord over all other cats, forgetting the fact that A) cats aren't that smart and B) Awakening the housecat that you've been keeping on bargain-bin cat food might've not been the best idea in hindsight. Fancies himself a master strategist and tends to disagree with the party on any sort of plan that isn't unreasonably convoluted (or involving a couple of explosions).

Why yes, they are all based off of characters from Girl Genius.

Bohandas
2017-08-06, 08:06 PM
218.) The Chronomancer. In this case it turns out that "chronomancer" means a wizard that smokes a lot of chronic.