"Useless" junk magical items

[90sMusic]

Hey there!
I'm planning on adding a little vendor to my campaign in one of the cities my players will be reaching in the not too distant future. He is going to be a little bonsai tree in a pot that has been awakened and has lived for a few hundred years and runs a hole-in-the-wall kind of magical item emporium full of magical items of questionable usefulness. He uses a special variant of the mage hand spell that lets him have two hands at a time and they can lift a bit more weight, a spell he developed and has used routinely enough over his many years that it is cantrip-level ease to use for him so he can better manage his shop and do things people who actually have hands take for granted.

Anyway, if anyone has any ideas for any fun little items to include in the shop, i'm all ears. They must be actually magical items that do "something" but their purpose has to be extremely niche to the point where it is practically or completely useless.

Some example items he has laying around include an ioun stone that changes it's physical properties to indicate what the CURRENT weather is, a lion figurine that keeps lions away, and a small box with a switch that when toggled on creates a mage hand that simply toggles it's self off, a suit of armor that warns of nearby enemies but only after being struck with an attack, etc.

Scattered throughout his shop will also be items of seemingly useless qualities which could actually be pretty useful with clever tactics and thought that will make them worth a purchase but might be passed off as more useless junk like the rest of the items.

I think it's a fun little idea and I already have a list of terrible items as well as the ones that can be actually useful, but i'd like some extra ideas just to have more variety and items to fill up his little shop with.

[the secret fire]

An magical 8-track player that only plays Abba songs at full volume. Check for insanity.

[90sMusic]

An magical 8-track player that only plays Abba songs at full volume. Check for insanity.

Magical instrument that constantly plays out of tune and with missed notes would make a pretty neat addition. :)
I'm off to bed but i'll check back in the morning and see what people have come up with. :D

I am really, REALLY considering having a +3 sword in there that has a mouth on the hilt that just never shuts up. It talks constantly out loud about anything and everything that it perceives and gives it's low wisdom and intelligence input on virtually every subject, whether asked or not. And if you hurt it's feelings by trying to stop it from speaking or keeping it contained somewhere, it changes to a -3 hit and damage penalty until you apologize and let it continue to prattle on. Impossible to stealth with, etc. :)

[Ninja_Prawn]

We... actually have a thousand-post thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?399328-List-of-Mostly-Useless-Magic-Items) for this. If that's not enough for you, I don't know what is!

[90sMusic]

We... actually have a thousand-post thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?399328-List-of-Mostly-Useless-Magic-Items) for this. If that's not enough for you, I don't know what is!

Oh nice, i'll go check it out in the morning, that should be just dandy, thanks

[Coffee_Dragon]

A compass that points to the nearest cheese. Perhaps too exploitable.


I am really, REALLY considering having a +3 sword in there that has a mouth on the hilt that just never shuts up.

"You know, once? I was like, a mooonblade."

[the secret fire]

A version of Pipes of the Sewers that only summons angry, drunken hobos.

[N810]

A cursed baric bugle once attuned it can't be thrown away,
and it magically plays loudly and off key once you are asleep for 5 minutes.

[Dalebert]

I love the flavor of this shop. Can I steal it for my homebrew game?

[TheFlyingCleric]

A magical boomerang, with a better thrown range than most weapons due to its aerodynamic shape. But on a miss.... duck.

[RickAllison]

A magical boomerang, with a better thrown range than most weapons due to its aerodynamic shape. But on a miss.... duck.

Which becomes fantastic when used against someone with charm effects. Even if he is turned against the party, he can smack himself upside the head by accident to get out!

[the secret fire]

An Apparatus of Kwalish that is actually a proctology instrument, and automatically shrinks to the size of an ant (movement 1'/turn) upon activation.

[smcmike]

I love the ancient awakened bonsai. That's awesome. I'd probably give it a golem or some other big dumb brute as transportation and muscle - it would be very particular about sun, water, and fertilizer.

Toys are good for mostly useless items:

A box of chalk of every color of the spectrum, both visible and invisible.

A teaching slate, designed to help kids learn to read, write, and do basic arithmetic.

A mask of really silly disguises - you can cast disguise self, but all of the disguises are extremely conspicuous.

A funhouse mirror.

A rocking horse that appears to be a real pony on rockers.

Magic candies with minor temporary effects - may change your voice, or your hair color, or your skin color, or make you weightless, make it impossible to lie, make smoke shoot out of your ears, make your eyes glow, etc.

Itching powder.

A bird figurine that flies about your head and chirps (and is activated when you are harmed).

A REALLY bouncy ball.

[georgie_leech]

"You know, once? I was like, a mooonblade."

"I don't know what you were expecting, but as a sword, I'm pretty one dimensional in what I want."

[90sMusic]

A mask of really silly disguises - you can cast disguise self, but all of the disguises are extremely conspicuous.

Oooh, that sounds pretty fun. A sentient hat that lets you disguise self at-will, but it has an ingrained fashion sense and anytime you use it, the hat adds additional features to your disguise or changes some of the coloration or styling of your clothes. I might give the intelligence behind it the name Liberace because I think it would be funny and I doubt the people I DM for are old enough to really know who he was.


I love the flavor of this shop. Can I steal it for my homebrew game?

Of course. I have a decently long backstory for the little guy too if you're interested. He has had an interesting life. :)

[CursedRhubarb]

An immortal magic pet frog that just sits there and croaks, but if only the owner is around and no methods for others to see or hear, (scrying and whatnot) then it tap dances and sings Hello! Ma Baby, I'm Just Wild About Harry, or The Michigan Rag.

[SaintRidley]

Minor Resonance Stones. Roughly the size of a pebble, each keyed to an emotion. Contact with the stone makes you feel the emotion. Possible to set them into a ring that relays the effect constantly. Creative use can weaponize them or make them useful in social encounters, but otherwise just a thing.

[N810]

hmm... my barbarian could possibly have use for the Rage stone... :smallwink:

[snacksmoto]

A cooking spoon which makes any meal being prepared into something palatable but not exceptionally tasty. It doesn't affect the nutritional value of the dish.

A brooch or cloak clasp that gives off a rather dim flash of light and a quiet ping sound when tapped.

A box of rich, earthy, magical soil that makes any plant growing in it to grow twice as fast with twice the bounty of exceptional quality produce. Only a small amount is required, variable to the size of the plant. It is only magically active at night, giving off a very faint, diffuse glow. Just don't name it "night soil".

[Bohandas]

Various objects that glow in the dark. Similar to real world glow-in-the-dark junk but constant in effect instead of needing to be exposed to light first or relying on a tiny reserve of chemicals that only last a couple of hours

[Bohandas]

Dull grey ioun stone repourposed as a hands-free way to carry small items via the addition of a tiny hook

[RickAllison]

Leamond's "Holy" Chest. The creation of a fanboy of the famous wizard Leomund, this replica of his Secret Chest has a problem: a hole that seems to miraculously change size and position to lose everything placed within it on the Ethereal Plane.

[Nod_Hero]

A hand mirror that shows the reflection on the opposite side of the mirror as the viewer.

A toy frog that sings and dances, but only when the owner is alone.

An apple seed that when planted, grows into a watermelon vine which produces one watermelon. The watermelon tastes like a cantaloupe.

A clay jug that makes any liquid drunk directly out of it taste like vinegar.

A cape that is totally invisible unless the wearer is flying, falling, or jumping.

[SaintRidley]

hmm... my barbarian could possibly have use for the Rage stone... :smallwink:

Something like that I'd probably make a more powerful stone. All creatures within 10 or 20 feet (depending on the stone's power) get the emotion.

[N810]

Leamond's "Holy" Chest. The creation of a fanboy of the famous wizard Leomund, this replica of his Secret Chest has a problem: a hole that seems to miraculously change size and position to lose everything placed within it on the Ethereal Plane.

Sounds like a great item for a band of murder hobos... :belkar:

[RickAllison]

Sounds like a great item for a band of murder hobos... :belkar:

These aren't prohibited from niche uses! It could also be used for garbage disposal.

[VariSami]

An immortal magic pet frog that just sits there and croaks, but if only the owner is around and no methods for others to see or hear, (scrying and whatnot) then it tap dances and sings Hello! Ma Baby, I'm Just Wild About Harry, or The Michigan Rag.

Aka. The Paranoid Loner's Scrying Detector. I love how it actually has a useful function besides the humour value.

[Bohandas]

A burrito that acts like a potion of Stinking Cloud

[Sigreid]

A pendant that automatically causes obsessive lust in old members of the opposite sex within 30'. Obsessed beings will never think to offer gifts, but will do everything else in their power to get the romantic attentions of the wearer. Species is no barrier...

[Pex]

Use the trinkets table for inspiration.

[FabulousFizban]

Ring of uncomfortable tingling

[Breaklance]

Merlin spoon - when put in a bowl creates bad tasting gruel. This gruel can't be modified with salt spices or magical means of any sort which cause the gruel to vanish. The gruel feeds one person for one day.

Ball of detect incline. A ball that when placed on an incline will roll the direction of the incline and tell you the degree of the incline.

Fireproof ring. This magical ring is fire proof and that's it.

Unbreakable Vial of unbreakable glue - the vial is glued with the substance inside it and the vial itself is unbreakable.

Movable Rob - a rod that when activated locks in place magically even if it is not attached to anything. The rod can ce moved with a strength check of 2

Bracers of detect light. Bracers that tell you the light level of the room they're in.

[Coffee_Dragon]

Ring of uncomfortable tingling

Inspired me to:

Cursed Ring of Wondering Whether You Turned Off the Stove
This is a twisted band of silver filigree that is indistinguishable from, and does function as, a Ring of Remembering to Turn off the Stove. Nonetheless, unless the ring is removed, you will at an inconvenient moment after leaving your home begin to wonder whether you turned off the stove (even though you probably did, if you were wearing the ring at the time). This effect lasts until you confirm whether you did in fact turn off the stove.

[Rath12]

Ball of Opposites.
A small ball made of enchanted extra-strong milky ceramics, that does nothing but be oppositely effected by gravity and is broken by repairing spells and repaired by things that would break it. Did you ball break? Come here Jim the fighter and hit it with your sword. Can only lift things lighter than itself and does so slower the heavier the thing being carried is.


EDIT: Could be tied to a carrier pigeon or to let it carry more stuff.

[Jerrykhor]

In one of my sessions, my party's rogue bought a Cloak of Teleportation that only teleports the cloak itself, leaving the wearer behind. It was pretty funny how the rogue didnt get the multiple hints by the DM when he said that the cloak 'sort of works' (after an arcana check), and was made by a little girl.

[Sigreid]

A candle that will only burn in the presence of direct sunlight.

[Sigreid]

A pair of child's slippers that in the dark change into big hairy arms that grab clumsily at feet dangling off the side of the bed. Invented by a kindly wizard that was looking for a good way to keep kids safely in bed at night he was horrified to learn the number of people he caused to have a life long fear of the dark.

[MarkVIIIMarc]

Bracers of detect light. Bracers that tell you the light level of the room they're in.

Dude, I LOLed at this one!

Now, I own a decent sized dob. Some of my more serious astronomy friends would love to have them bracers.

At the very least if they had the bracers it would have saved them money on light meters like these: http://www.unihedron.com/projects/darksky/

[Anderlith]

Pelor's Pendant
A small pendant depicting the sun, made of green aged bronze. Winks briefly with light when the sun rises & sets.

Dousing Wand
A small wand that when activated shoots a small stream of water, sufficient to douse small flames or annoy someone.

Shadowcloak
A cloak that when attuned will rise up in the shape of the wearer & follow closely behind mimicking the wearer's movements, sometimes getting inconveniently close or doing so without the wearers knowledge. The effect only happens when not wearing it. If worn it acts like a normal cloak

Tome of the Forgotten
A small well thumbed book of midnight blue velvet, if you forget something it will be written down in the time, when you remember it will disappear. If you misplace the book it will remember that too, though you'll have to find it to be reminded

[MBControl]

- Magical Sea Monkeys (I might make these guys super powerful down the road)
- A rock that changes colours depending on your mood
- A clockwork gnome who's only purpose is to tie shoes
- A glyph of Whoopie (I shouldn't have to explain this)
- A chess board that has illusionary pieces that actually fight (a la the Millennium Falcon)

[Syll]

An enchanted scabbard that makes that iconic, (inaccurate) *shing* noise, regardless of what is being drawn from it

[gfishfunk]

Self emptying chamber pot.

1ft of raging river in a box. Fresh water, but tastes fishy.

[PeterM]

Friend of mine GMed a Warhammer game with a bargain basement magic item shop. The only useful item her players found was a rope and grappling hook that was guaranteed to catch on the first throw. Absolutely guaranteed, the shopkeeper promised. Cross his heart. So they bought it.

Later on, out in the wilds, they decided they should probably check it to make sure it works, before taking it underground into danger. So someone tossed it into a tree and, sure enough, it caught solidly on the first throw! Fantastic!

No one thought to try again.

Later on, they were all very excited when they got into a nasty situation where escape was only possible via throwing a grappling hook and climbing like hell. Magic grapple to the rescue! Except it didn't catch on the first throw. Or the second. Or any of the increasingly desperate succeeding attempts.

It was then, and only then, that the GM started laughing her ass off. I wouldn't have been able to pull it off, myself.

[Joe the Rat]

A hand mirror that shows the reflection on the opposite side of the mirror as the viewer.

That would be really handy hunting Medusae

[JAL_1138]

An enchanted scabbard that makes that iconic, (inaccurate) *shing* noise, regardless of what is being drawn from it

All you need for that *shing* sound is a brass (or other metal) throat on the scabbard. It's anachronistic for medieval weapons, but completely accurate for mid-1800s cavalry sabres.

[Syll]

All you need for that *shing* sound is a brass (or other metal) throat on the scabbard. It's anachronistic for medieval weapons, but completely accurate for mid-1800s cavalry sabres.

Ah but it's not iconic of mid-1800's cavalry sabres; it's the go-to depiction of every sword ever depicted in fiction ever.

[JAL_1138]

Ah but it's not iconic of mid-1800's cavalry sabres; it's the go-to depiction of every sword ever depicted in fiction ever.

Very true. And it is a cool noise...probably why it became a go-to foley standard.

[Syll]

Very true. And it is a cool noise...probably why it became a go-to foley standard.

And with my enchanted scabbard you will no longer have to feel left out when the cool adventurers draw their mid-1800s cavalry sabres; you will have the self-same satisfying *shing* as you draw your javelin, blowgun or whip. The scabbard resizes to fit whatever of course.

[Coffee_Dragon]

This guy's knives go "shing" if someone looks at them.


https://youtu.be/rAQ1DPrU8Q8?t=8m45s

[Joe the Rat]

It's not the scabbard, it's the blade. It is so sharp, you are hearing the sound of the photons hitting the blade being sliced. It's piezoelectric.

[Sigreid]

The stone of child like secrets. Converts any language it hears into pig-Latin.

[Bohandas]

Some kind of device that plays spy music whenever you're trying to sneak around

[Coffee_Dragon]

Some kind of device that plays spy music whenever you're trying to sneak around

Excellent. Invisible stone that orbits around your head and plays "The Saint" by Orbital. It's such an anachronism every guard awkwardly pretends they're not hearing it.

[Anderlith]

Helm of Headlessness

An old tarnished bronze helm of a forgotten battle.

To use the helm one must wear it & speak the command phrase. Doing so decapitates the wearer.

[Princess]

There's no limit to how many "magical" items based on puns that don't really help much during an adventure or battle one can make up with enough sleep deprivation.

Figurine of Wondrous Plower - Activating this small statuette causes it to become a full-size farm worker, ready with plow. He's really good at plowing, but will expect fair compensation afterwards before returning to statue form.

Belt of Gi-Ant Strength (Giant Ant Worker) - Wearing this belt causes the user's strength to become 10 until it is removed. Side effects include an obsessive desire to dig and reinforce tunnels for some sort of queen.

[Joe the Rat]

Figurine of Wondrous Plower - Activating this small statuette causes it to become a full-size farm worker, ready with plow. He's really good at plowing, but will expect fair compensation afterwards before returning to statue form.
Figurine of Wondrous Flowers. It's a bouquet!
Figurine of Wondrous Flour, which makes quite the mess when you throw it down. Makes a hearty, if somewhat bland bread.
Figurine of Wondrous Bower, which is basically a shade tree Feather Token that comes with a bench.
Figurine of Wondrous Paver (Dwarven can be tricky to read sometimes). It's a square stone tile that when placed on the ground turns into.... a large square of stone.

[JAL_1138]

Figurine of Wondrous Flowers. It's a bouquet!
Figurine of Wondrous Flour, which makes quite the mess when you throw it down. Makes a hearty, if somewhat bland bread.
Figurine of Wondrous Bower, which is basically a shade tree Feather Token that comes with a bench.
Figurine of Wondrous Paver (Dwarven can be tricky to read sometimes). It's a square stone tile that when placed on the ground turns into.... a large square of stone.

Figurine of Wondrous Flour = poor man's Glitterdust/Faerie Fire/See Invisibility. I keep a bag of flour in all my characters' adventuring gear for this exact purpose.

[Coffee_Dragon]

Wand of Celery

At a glance, this green stalk may appear to be a Wand of Celerity. But it's not.


Rubber Biscuit

This item is always free.

[PancakeUniverse]

Search for the thread "List of Mostly useless magic items"(I can't post links yet). It's got 34 pages of this kind of stuff. Here are some of the best:

-Unportable hole*- Its a hole, good job

-Potable Hole: A portable hole that can only hold safe (potable) drinking-water (hence that part of the name); all other objects are rejected with great force when the hole is moved, aimed directly at whoever put them in it. If a character attempts to remain in it when it is moved, they will be ejected (accompanied by a loud noise that sounds like "PTOOEY!" audible for a 300yd radius, hence the other part of the name) and take a minimum of half their maximum potential HP (calculated by assuming maximum rolls on hit dice and constitution of 20) in bludgeoning damage from either a fall or impact with nearby objects.

-Breeches of Trust: Once per day, the wearer makes very uncomfortable advances on a random party member.

-Sword of Studio Applause: Explosive applause every time the sword is drawn or kills an enemy. Laugh track if the wielder crit-fails on an attack roll.*

-Quill of Rage: An ordinary quill that will only write when you scribble in the corner to make sure it is working.

-Ring of Mutual Ignorance:*This ring makes you unnoticeable to people who you are not aware of. This often leads you to bumping into a person your trying to stealth around, where by ruining the magic.

-The Ultimate Book of Ultimate Law: the text of every law ever enacted, anywhere, anywhen. It is arranged alphabetically by the words of the first sentence in the law with no index or table of contents.

-The Armoire of Invincibility:*This legendary wardrobe is impervious to damage from all sources. It appears to be crafted from fine darkwood, but it's weight would almost make one think that it is made from pure adamantine. A particularly mighty warrior might be able to carry it by himself, should he steady it with both hands, and leave it resting atop the crown of his head,*perfectly aligned with his spine. As a piece of furniture, its quality and craftsmanship are beyond compare, and it houses a number of frocks, dresses, and tunics, with plenty of drawer space for leggings and hose.

-Mat of the Insufferably Flexible: this rubberized flexible mat is brightly colored. When the user utters the command phrase and spends half an hour performing the appropriate ritual, they gain a +2 bonus to all dexterity checks for 24 hours. However, they must constantly tell everyone around them how amazing it is and that they just simply have to try it.

-bar of EXTREME CROSS TRAINING: this heavy, knurled steel bar is 3' long. When the user utters the command phrase, the bar will extend and affix itself to two points on opposing walls. The bar can easily support the users weight, and after spending a half hour performing the appropriate ritual (Pull ups), they gain a +2 bonus to all strength checks for 24 hours. The are compelled to tell everyone they meet about their new awesome training regimen and how its the only way to properly get fit.