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View Full Version : Clear Wording: Help!



Oramac
2016-07-06, 03:23 PM
I'm not sure how to write this so it's clear. It's a feature for a Gunslinger Martial Archetype I'm writing. I know there are others, but I wasn't excited about them.

The feature:


Flash-Bang: As an action, you may spend 2 Grit to toss a flash-bang into an area. You may toss is up to 30 feet to a location you can see. You may duck behind cover as a part of the action to toss the Flash-Bang. All creatures within 30 feet of the that point that can see or hear the Flash-bang, including you, must make a Constitution saving throw or be blinded and deafened until the beginning of your next turn. A creature with full cover is not affected by the flash-bang.

It says what it needs to, but I feel like the intent could be more clear, and I'm hoping you all can help me with the wording.

Mr.Moron
2016-07-06, 04:09 PM
My version:


Flash-Bang: As an action, you may spend 2 Grit to toss a flash-bang. You may toss it up to 30 feet to a point you can see. At the end of your turn a loud blast originates from that point, any creature within 30 feet without full cover from the point of origin must make a constitution saving throw or be blinded and deafened for one round.

Because the timing is now "at the end of your turn" there isn't any need for that kind of vague.. diving for cover wording. You can simply use your movement to get to cover.. or not. There isn't any need to clarify about seeing or hearing it. If they aren't in full cover and they have sight they can see it, if they aren't in full cover and they have hearing they can hear it. If they should be immune to sight/sound effects because they don't have those senses they should be immune to blindness or deafness in the first place that's on monster creators not your ability.

Finally I think "including you" is more of a side-bar item than part of the text proper. You're a creature and you'll either meet the conditions or not. You can always put that back in though as it doesn't hurt anything save the word count.

Oramac
2016-07-07, 09:18 AM
My version:



Because the timing is now "at the end of your turn" there isn't any need for that kind of vague.. diving for cover wording. You can simply use your movement to get to cover.. or not. There isn't any need to clarify about seeing or hearing it. If they aren't in full cover and they have sight they can see it, if they aren't in full cover and they have hearing they can hear it. If they should be immune to sight/sound effects because they don't have those senses they should be immune to blindness or deafness in the first place that's on monster creators not your ability.

Finally I think "including you" is more of a side-bar item than part of the text proper. You're a creature and you'll either meet the conditions or not. You can always put that back in though as it doesn't hurt anything save the word count.

Excellent point! Thank you.