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View Full Version : Gamer Humor 101 Warlock Patrons



Belac93
2016-08-11, 06:52 PM
Share your warlocks patrons, or ones you've seen, or even characters from media or the internet who you think would make good patrons! I'll start:

#1: Zalgo. He who waits beyond the wall, he who waits to end it all. Zalgo is an internet meme about a being that corrupts illustrations (especially comics) and makes them creepy or disturbing. Would make a very good patron (tome pact, anyone?).

#2 The fairy godmother. Yes, you heard me right, the fairy godmother from the brothers Grimm/Disney. She gives people their wishes, but at the price of having to serve her.

Kane0
2016-08-11, 08:52 PM
#3: Slenderman

#4: Kane (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kane_(Command_%26_Conquer))

#5: The Lady of Pain

Fable Wright
2016-08-11, 09:21 PM
#5: The Lady of Pain

This one just sounds like she'd give you frog powers. Namely the one about the stomach shooting out of the body, whenever you tried to call on her.

#6: Dave, from accounting. We're not sure why he grants such awful power, but we've suspected he did for a long, long time.

#7: Seraph Lamington. He's an angel who tried to infiltrate hell with a pair of fake horns, and has no idea how this is all supposed to go.

#8: The Vacuous Rom. She's not very demanding, grants the power to hold at bay eldritch horrors beyond imagining, and gives you plenty of rock-headed spiders to swarm people who try and attack you.

digiman619
2016-08-11, 10:44 PM
#2 The fairy godmother. Yes, you heard me right, the fairy godmother from the brothers Grimm/Disney. She gives people their wishes, but at the price of having to serve her.

Eh, I'd rather have Harry Dresden's Faerie godmother. She'd be far more interesting.

Lord Raziere
2016-08-11, 11:09 PM
#9: Pandora from EGS
#10: Discord From MLP:FiM
#11: Fantasy version of The Doctor. Remember: being involved with him isn't always a GOOD thing...
#12: Lelouch Lamperouge. After all, he was kind of guy to accept such a deal in the first place.
#13: a godlike AI. because they've already predicted your every move, and could screw you over in so many ways.

Joe the Rat
2016-08-12, 08:18 AM
#14 Antonio the Rakshasa
#15 Benicio of the Little People
#16 Long-eared Trickster, Eater of Children
#17 The Great Old One known only as "The Decanter of Blood." It seeks to break down the walls of reality.

And stepping away from the pantry...
#18 An Arcanaloth known simply as "The Doge"
#19 Chun the Unavoidable (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liane_the_Wayfarer). At least your end of the contract is straightforward...

khadgar567
2016-08-12, 10:06 AM
#12: Lelouch Lamperouge. After all, he was kind of guy to accept such a deal in the first place.

did you mean c.c cuz she is the one who give lelouch mindrape as catnrip power
#20 illidan stormrage

NecroDancer
2016-08-12, 06:16 PM
Stephen Hawking: a genius mind that transended the body

Millstone85
2016-08-12, 06:23 PM
#22: /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\
Kyubey from Puella Magi Madoka Magica.
Make a contract with him and become a magical girl!
http://67.media.tumblr.com/eaf814b2914a746a55aef24dd6c193e3/tumblr_nb14uembjT1rv231do1_1280.jpg

Lord Raziere
2016-08-12, 06:47 PM
did you mean c.c cuz she is the one who give lelouch mindrape as catnrip power


No. I meant Lelouch Lamperouge. He can become immortal like CC and thus make contracts like her.

GAAD
2016-08-12, 08:50 PM
#23: Hastur, the King in YellowHASTUR IS DEAD
#23: Old Man Henderson, Slayer of Gods

THEChanger
2016-08-12, 09:18 PM
#23

As the dwarf himself says:

"Gavlan wheel, Gavlan deal. You want deal? Gavlan want soul, many, many soul! Gah hah! What you want? With Gavlan, you wheel? You DEAL."

Inevitability
2016-08-13, 12:48 AM
#25 The Temporal Abnormality (Great Old One pact). The Abnormality is a being that, against all laws of the universe, is acausal. In the far future, it will be created by a group of warlocks, and the Abnormality is currently occupied with forming as many pacts as possible, to ensure the future will be able to support its creation.

khadgar567
2016-08-13, 01:39 AM
No. I meant Lelouch Lamperouge. He can become immortal like CC and thus make contracts like her.
you know even canon disagrees itself for bastard lives or not original japanese work says he is living but western version says he dies at the end so unless you fannon the whole ending houston we gotta problem( by the way only thing sure is c.c survives in the both endings

GorinichSerpant
2016-08-13, 03:50 AM
#26 Lord English: How can you go against him, when he's already here?

#27 The Auditors: They desire the end life, but are limited by the rules. They are willing to pay well.

#28 Father Frost: An ancient spirit of the biting wind and dark winter nights who has been enslaved and brought low by a great mage of the past. He has been forced to serve the children of man and he is not happy about it. He will give a portion of his power for help in his escape. (This is based off the fact that during the soviet union in Russia they replaced Santa Claus with Father Frost as a figure that gave out presents and changed the date to New years. This is somewhat silly because in northern countries personifications of winter are seen as figures to be feared.)

Spider_Jerusalem
2016-08-13, 10:41 AM
#29 MissingNo

digiman619
2016-08-13, 02:10 PM
#29 MissingNo

Video game MissingNo, or Atop the Fourth Wall MissingNo?

GAAD
2016-08-14, 12:49 AM
#30 Spreading Madness
#31 Dread Infernal
#32 Wild Pyromancer
:smallwink:

Braininthejar2
2016-08-14, 06:36 AM
Eh, I'd rather have Harry Dresden's Faerie godmother. She'd be far more interesting.

How about the Faerie godmother from Shrek ?

Durkoala
2016-08-14, 08:28 AM
# 33: Dread Cthulu. A sleeping incomprehensible Elder God of unparalleled power who will rise to rule over the world when the time is right. The resemblence of his speech to snoring is merely how lesser minds comprehend his dark wishes.

# 34: Bella Swan. A rising vampire princess of unusual power. She is unsupassedly fast, prodigously strong and breathtakingly sparkly. Agreeing with her is a good way to earn her favour, but her beneficiaries may find her presence somewhat tiring.

# 35: Albus Dumbledore. A powerful wizard and cunning planner, with schemes that can last for decades. Irritatingly close with important information. Currently seeking gentleman companionship with a liking for complex mental sports and unusual sweets.

# 36: Dr Charlie Cuddles. Evil mastermind devoted to conquest, in need of minions. Offers good rates and comfortable lodgings, with friendly co-workers and fresh air (until we get a proper Evil Foundry running, anway). Ideal candidates should have experience with working in a team, lumberjacking, woodworking and general skulduggery.

Belac93
2016-08-14, 11:29 AM
# 36: Dr Charlie Cuddles. Evil mastermind devoted to conquest, in need of minions. Offers good rates and comfortable lodgings, with friendly co-workers and fresh air (until we get a proper Evil Foundry running, anway). Ideal candidates should have experience with working in a team, lumberjacking, woodworking and general skulduggery.

Muddle Earth reference?

digiman619
2016-08-14, 02:26 PM
How about the Faerie godmother from Shrek ?

Let's just say that the Leanansidhe could have not only taken her, but roughly half of the other people on this list.

Vknight
2016-08-14, 03:40 PM
#37 : Bleak : It is a meadow that is verdant and dead, made of prose and scripture wrapped tightly coiled in sleep. When you ask of favors from it the Bleak asks for things that are strange but equivalent value items or near in these trades, for the way to a woman's heart it will ask for a rose bush from a nobles garden or maybe the consumption of a first born from a peasant family. It will not negotiate simply offer new terms sometimes they are similar sometimes radically different. When it requests something and you refuse its request, you feel its mark glow within you filling you without a need for food or water. The Bleak marks you with a piece of scaled scripture around a limb it reads, 'Ties that bind may our pact be long and strong. Honour the word and its power is yours'
The Bleak has a fondness for literature and books and rewards those who study and bring it new things.
To those who request of it call upon its strength and you will feel the gift of words boil within you; let it take you and appear to make your contract because dishonoring its hospitality shall make no return a possibility

Randomguy
2016-08-14, 11:13 PM
#38. This warlock patron goes by many names: They of Many Eyes, The Nourishing Ones, Those that Dwell Beneath the Earth. Potatoes.

Joe the Rat
2016-08-15, 08:53 AM
#39 Borrowing from Genius: the Transgression.
In the far future, long after stars have burned to dust, and that dust has itself burned away, there is nothing. No matter, no energy, no time.
Just the Cold Ones. Consciousness stitched into the fabric of reality itself, they lay dreaming, hungering, and so very, very cold. They seek out scraps of rotting protons, eddies of movement, and time-lost morsels of heat and matter and precious, precious structure. And they want more. They cast their thoughts backwards through time, looking for open minds, receptive to their contact, willing to try and find a way to bring them into the hot material reality of aeons past (our now)... to feed.

Inevitability
2016-08-15, 09:40 AM
#38. This warlock patron goes by many names: They of Many Eyes, The Nourishing Ones, Those that Dwell Beneath the Earth. Potatoes.

http://smbc-comics.com/comics/1461944560-20160429after.png

SirBellias
2016-08-15, 11:06 AM
I once had a giant angry potato be a boss fight.

#40: The Lurker Among the Stars. Merely glimpsing this entity grants you a share of its power. Tied to our world merely by the knowledge of its existence and vast interstellar gulfs, it's motives are inscrutable, it's methods alien. Those who have seen it will eventually go mad trying to spot it again, trading their minds for scraps that fall from the depths of true power.

At least it doesn't ask for anything specific.

Rysto
2016-08-15, 11:24 AM
#41. The Shinju

Do you need help beating back otherworldly horrors intent on destroying all of humanity? Luckily, there's an app for that! Just visit your local Taisha™ representative today and get equipped with the latest monster-blasting smartphone. Join now and receive a free fairy companion!

Worried about the cost? Worry no longer! You can get onto our latest plan for free, and with no monthly fee! That's right, you only pay for the magical power you use!

Disclaimer: In accepting this offer, you agree to hold Taisha™ Inc and the Shinju blameless for any of the following medical conditions (all of which are completely, definitely, without question unrelated to the use of magical power and totally temporary anyway, so why are you even worrying about it): blindness in one or both eyes, hearing loss, inability to taste, loss of voice, impairment of one or more limbs, amnesia, or paralysis. You agree to battle any and all enemies of Humanity until the event of your death, or your accumulated disabilities render you unfit to fight. Taisha™ Inc and the Shinju reserve the right to prevent your death (including via suicide) by any means necessary, should it be judged that you are attempting to shirk your responsibility to fight on behalf of the Shinju.

Belac93
2016-08-15, 11:32 AM
#38. This warlock patron goes by many names: They of Many Eyes, The Nourishing Ones, Those that Dwell Beneath the Earth. Potatoes.

Now I'm thinking of a warlock who carries around a potato, and takes a bite of it whenever (s)he casts a spell.

#42: The Laughing Man: He is the spirit of laughter incarnate. His only wish is thus; giggle.

JeenLeen
2016-08-15, 12:09 PM
#43: Caine, or any of the Antedeluvians from old World of Darkness.

#44: Deus Ex Machina (the plot device). Devotion to this is likely to save you in the most anticlimatic and plot-appropriate way. At the other times, your patron largely ignores you and hopes you bungle around on your loaned power.

Braininthejar2
2016-08-16, 08:22 AM
#30 Spreading Madness
#31 Dread Infernal
#32 Wild Pyromancer
:smallwink:

C'thun
C'thun
C'thuuuun!

https://hydra-media.cursecdn.com/hearthstone.gamepedia.com/thumb/1/18/Disciple_of_C'Thun(35196).png/200px-Disciple_of_C'Thun(35196).png?version=b67f25a36c89 a0d90c8346a5aef760ad

Gravitron5000
2016-08-16, 08:32 AM
#45 - Patrón - Maker of bad decisions, destroyer of lives, all while having a good time.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patr%C3%B3n

Douche
2016-08-16, 09:15 AM
Stephen Hawking: a genius mind that transended the body

It's true... There's a 95% chance that he's actually a being of pure energy that is using the body as a guise

Durkoala
2016-08-16, 05:48 PM
Muddle Earth reference?

Yes! I'm a bit surprised to find somebody who knows Muddle Earth, actually.

RyumaruMG
2016-08-16, 08:59 PM
#46: The River King (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeelCmoIEQ4) - He sings an alluring song, waiting by the river for some unfortunate soul in need of assistance. And when that soul comes along, he offers a deal....

#47: The Star Forger (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd6FPBL2wlE) - An ancient civilization locked this celestial being away long ago, and now he desires freedom. Put the raw fury of starfire in your hands, and release a being so vast he created the stars.

(I actually wrote up pact options for these two, but I need to re-post them for feedback again.)

CrazyPenguin
2016-08-17, 11:39 PM
#48: Morgorth
#49: Maximilian Reginald Joseph Nicolas Ferdinand Julius Augustus Henry Albus Perseus Heracles Charles Aristotle Alexander Ramses Smith, a fae lord who offers unimaginable power, and asks only for corgis.