How are single, post-education adults supposed to make friends?

[WarKitty]

I'm past college age and into the age where most people my age seem to be either married and focused on starting a family, or single and desperately looking to find a boyfriend/girlfriend. And I'm not either - I don't have or particularly desire a romantic relationship. But all that said, I'm lonely. Part of the trouble is, being young, I don't have the luxury of a 9-5, m-f job. I work 10:15-7:15 Tuesday-Sat. I don't have enough money for a car. I have a bunch of responsibilities at home which take up a lot of time. I have activities at church but I feel like I'm not really making friends there (in large part because people my own age don't seem to be there, or if they're there they're focused on their children). I feel left out at work because all the talk seems to be "my kid this" and "my kid that".

I'm lonely, but I don't really know how I'm supposed to make friends in this situation.

[Dodom]

Is the church stuff volunteering? If so, would you be at ease with replacing that with something that attracts volunteers closer to your age range? I mean if you go there to help out the community, then another organisation would still let you contribute, while helping you socially as well. But if you chose it for spiritual reasons, then obviously it's not interchangeable.

I'd suggest hobbies, but since money is an issue, that's a bit more limited I'm afraid.

[Eldariel]

Eh, hobbies. Communities form around most sorts of hobbies and those tend to serve to meet other likeminded people. In my case I went with dance, but e.g. literature, fine arts, food and drinks, etc. form communities. With your schedule, you've got a couple of days free so try and find something that occurs on those days. Something you enjoy so it can also serve as a means of recovery. It's a great way to build new contacts.

[WarKitty]

Is the church stuff volunteering? If so, would you be at ease with replacing that with something that attracts volunteers closer to your age range? I mean if you go there to help out the community, then another organisation would still let you contribute, while helping you socially as well. But if you chose it for spiritual reasons, then obviously it's not interchangeable.

I'd suggest hobbies, but since money is an issue, that's a bit more limited I'm afraid.

It's not volunteering, no. I haven't really seen any volunteer stuff that would work around my hours. And I get the feeling that people my age are mostly too busy with their families or trying to date to actually volunteer.

[Dodom]

It's not volunteering, no. I haven't really seen any volunteer stuff that would work around my hours. And I get the feeling that people my age are mostly too busy with their families or trying to date to actually volunteer.

Oh alright. I was used to people refering to "church activities" to talk about soup kitchens or hosting blood drives and other stuff churches often lend their basement for, sorry I misunderstood you.

[WarKitty]

Oh alright. I was used to people refering to "church activities" to talk about soup kitchens or hosting blood drives and other stuff churches often lend their basement for, sorry I misunderstood you.

To be fair, my church does also do those things, and I would be amenable to helping out if they fit around my schedule. But I do attend religious services as well.

[JeenLeen]

You could try dropping references to things you enjoy in casual conversation at work. I don't really have recommendations on how to do that, since I'm rather socially awkward myself, but you could potentially find someone who shares an interest. They probably won't have time to hang out outside of work if they have kids, but they might enjoy hanging out at lunch.

I became friends with one of the IT guys at work because he mentioned something nerdy (a sci-fi, anime, or D&D thing--forget which). I responded, showing I got the reference, and we chatted for a couple minutes. Thankfully, a less socially awkward guy than me was there and that helped the conversation along. I e-mailed him later and asked if he'd like to grab lunch. We now go out to lunch occasionally.
He's a single guy, and I have a kid, but I'm happy to have a time to go out with a friend and talk about non-family stuff like sci-fi or gaming. The folk at your work who focus on their kids might do so because it's a safe topic. If they know you share a common interest, y'all could talk about that.

More putting yourself out there: you could try asking someone who seems cool if they like <topic you like>. There's a guy at work who seems neat and a bit nerdy, and I've thought of asking him if he's into gaming or some of the other stuff I'm into, and about grabbing lunch sometime. I'm a little afraid of sharing stuff about me with someone I don't know well, but really the worst that could happen is some awkwardness. I guess it's probably best to ask someone you don't work closely with. If the lunch goes well, ask again, and assuming they don't say "can't this time; maybe later" a few times in a row -- if they do, take it as a polite rejection; if they want to have lunch, they'll ask you -- you've made a friend. ("how to meet a friend" sounds awful similar to advice on "how to ask someone on a date")

There might also be some free, or relatively free, hobby clubs in the area. Books, anime, etc. Probably less for post-college age, and I'm sure some folk there will be looking for dates, but as long as you are comfortable stating you're just looking for friends if someone starts hitting on you, you should be okay. No car could be an issue. Are there any libraries in walking distance? They sometimes have such things.

Your pastor might be able to recommend something, too. One church group I associated with for a while had a board games night every other week. That was fun and open to all ages (mostly college-age, but some older folk like me were there.)

[Quild]

I had a small depression less than 2 years ago when I had the feeling like all my friends left Paris.

I say "feeling", but I don't have enough of my 10 fingers to count the people I was really close of and who gradually left for some other place in Japan, or UK, or Ireland, or Switzerland, or Belgium, or Germany, or in the north of France, or in the south-west of France, or in the south-east of France, or in the east of France...
There also were a few ones I wasn't going along with anymore, but still were there tbh.

I'm really speaking of close friends here, of the people I have been seeing every week (and outside of school) and that crash to my place more than half the times they come in Paris.

So yeah, hard time for me.


How did I made friends again?
First, yes, I have a 9-5 job. More often thant not a 8:30-19:00 really, but it helps to pass time and I know you don't have that. I could go with more free time though.

I started a sport. Climbing if you want to know. 2 evenings each week and an afternoom in the week-end helps you to feel less bored and you meet nice people! We often share a drink after sport. Funny thing, the person that got me into climbing left for Denmark a few months ago. That could be another nail in my coffin, but I'm fine now.
I get to share drinks with some of my young colleagues too.
I found some friends to go to the movies with (actually I always had since 13 years I'm in Paris, friends from school, from childhood, from video games, from some forums, young colleagues... There are 4 person I've been in a pair to see 50+ movies with. Which sadly means that I "lost" 3 of them).
I've called back some people I had lost from sight. For dinners/drinks/movies and/or rollerskating sometimes.
I've called back some people I was mad at, or who were mad at me. One I climb with almost every tuesday now. Another one I just lost from sight now but I'm happy that war is over.
I also run in addition of my three climbing events, but that's just more sport.
I visit my friends for holidays.
My friends comes some times.
I almost stopped video games, not sure if I changed or lack the time to get into them. Haven't finished Dark Souls 3 yet, seriously!

All in one, my life remained very busy these two last years. So busy I was happy with it. Countless evening with more than one thing planned and choice (even if I tend to stay on the first thing I agreed to, because I said I would come), not the same thing again and again.
No interest in a girlfriend either. I don't need much sex and my life style allowed me to spend nice evenings with friends that looked liked dating except for this part I wasn't caring very much for. It's actually very nice too to be able to go back to your place, go to bed immediately and then to work the next day. Instead of being very tired the next day :smallamused:.

The situation kinda changed now, but who cares. You have my hints from my own hard pass.

[lio45]

The easiest might be to try to reactivate your friendships from high school/college/uni, looking up old friends you've lost contact with. Hopefully there will still be some in your area.

[WarKitty]

The easiest might be to try to reactivate your friendships from high school/college/uni, looking up old friends you've lost contact with. Hopefully there will still be some in your area.

Unfortunately my area now is neither the area in which grew up nor any of the areas I went to school.

[Vinyadan]

Go to some martial arts class, the least metaphysic the approach, the better. If you like it and aren't exceptionally timid, you will probably make lots of friends.

[WarKitty]

Go to some martial arts class, the least metaphysic the approach, the better. If you like it and aren't exceptionally timid, you will probably make lots of friends.

Martial arts classes cost a lot of money.

[Pyromancer999]

There are sites that arrange meetups for local groups like meetup.com (https://www.meetup.com/)(although that site is not the only one). May or may not be some for the area you live in, depending on how populated your area is.

Also, this article (http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/03/how-to-make-friends/) may be of use.

[Goodkill]

i ended up finding a lot of friends after being committed to the hospital. i go to a club for people with mental illness and that's where my D&D 3.5 gaming group came from. i also met a guy who was into composing and music technology as much as i am.

a lot of people with bipolar are very smart it turns out, so make good friends as long as they're on their meds.

edit: so if you could find a club to go to, based on gaming maybe, that might work

[Jay R]

Do fun stuff in public. Really.

Most friends I've made as an adult (away from work) have been at SCA events, fencing practices, gaming sessions, classes, etc.

[2D8HP]

Your co-workers actually talk about their kids?
Awesome, I'm jealous of you!
Except for one guy who complains about his wife and kids when he's not either boasting about or cursing his girlfriend/mistress and who's now thankfully on leave so I don't have to listen to him for awhile, all my co-workers, despite being parents, mostly talk about gruesome crimes that are in the news, major league sports, casinos, buffet tables, lewd jokes, and very occasionally politics (the last two topics are nominally forbidden by our employer but that seldom stops anyone).
I got a lot of people angry when I suggested on the Confessions thread that between work and family duties most "adults" (non-students) just don't have time for "friends", and that sounds like the case for you.
Glad you have this Forum!
I'm a bit surprised that you don't find a group of friends with your church, but since I've never been a church member I really have no insights about that.
Since a lack of time sounds like your biggest impediment I'm not sure any of these suggestions will help, but here's some of what I have spent time doing with people who were neither co-workers or family:

1) Union meetings.
Admittedly some guys at the meetings were former and future co-workers, but few have been current co-workers, and mostly it's been folks I never worked with. I knew one great guy who besides going to Union meetings would also go to a Freemason Lodge near my home, such was his love of being in a "Guild" (being in a sevice club is similar).

2) Volunteering.
I've definitely met people by volunteering for "Habitat for Humanity", and precinct walking.

3) Dungeons & Dragons!
Click here (http://dndadventurersleague.org/find-a-game/regional-pages/) for a
D&D ADVENTURERS LEAGUE regional list, lot's of e-mail address! You should be able to find someone to game with (I'm sure there's an equivalent for Pathfinder).

My experience has been that after leaving high school (I wasn't privileged with a University education), there just simply isn't the freetime to maintain the kind of friendships I had as a youth, but a half-dozen folks at the "Confessions" thread were kind enough to alert me to the fact that other people still find the time!

Good Luck!

For general happiness advice, from at a different thread:I posted this:

it is well to still pursue relationships (I.e. connections/conversations) with other people, but avoid for now seeking "relationships" (romance).
In fact avoid thinking about your personal happiness much at all.
Instead pretend to take an interest in the well-being of others (collegues, students, grocery store clerks,, street beggers etc).
Ask them how their doing, pretend you care, maybe take a week off and volunteer for something like habitat for humanity.Tell jokes and try to get someone to smile. Do good work. Get outside your head and "fake it till you make it".
Even if you never get very happy, you'll at least have made the world a better place, and you may get some small satisfaction from that. In my experience happiness usually comes when your too busy to look for it.

[lio45]

Thinking outside the box here, how about you go on online dating sites, find a boyfriend, then gently break up and stay friends? Rinse repeat the process a few times, and there you go. :P

[WarKitty]

Thinking outside the box here, how about you go on online dating sites, find a boyfriend, then gently break up and stay friends? Rinse repeat the process a few times, and there you go. :P

Yeah but then I'd have to go on dates.

With boys no less!

[Lappy9001]

I'd suggest getting out of what might be your comfort zone and explore new areas. I am personally really bad at this sort of thing but I have a cool job where I'm out and about in the city and have discovered tons of great hang out places.

Try Googling "places to hang out" and then the name of your city. Most of the places I found were listed there. Then, go to those places! Try a place where there is food and drinks, grab some lunch, maybe a beverage, and just chill for a couple of hours. Bring a laptop or handheld when it's slower. Then, start up a conversation or two. I like to compliment people, makes a great ice breaker :)

If you're into conventioms, anime/gaming cons are excellent places to meet people. And the ice is easy to break since you probably have shared interests.

Pokemon Go is great, too. It gets you outside and you can explore your area. If you bump into other players (and you probably will), chatting about pokemon makes for great small talk.

[WarKitty]

I'd suggest getting out of what might be your comfort zone and explore new areas. I am personally really bad at this sort of thing but I have a cool job where I'm out and about in the city and have discovered tons of great hang out places.

Try Googling "places to hang out" and then the name of your city. Most of the places I found were listed there. Then, go to those places! Try a place where there is food and drinks, grab some lunch, maybe a beverage, and just chill for a couple of hours. Bring a laptop or handheld when it's slower. Then, start up a conversation or two. I like to compliment people, makes a great ice breaker :)

If you're into conventioms, anime/gaming cons are excellent places to meet people. And the ice is easy to break since you probably have shared interests.

Pokemon Go is great, too. It gets you outside and you can explore your area. If you bump into other players (and you probably will), chatting about pokemon makes for great small talk.

Sadly, I lack a pokemon go capable device. Otherwise nice ideas though! Although I'm really trying to limit the money I spend out.

[Dire Moose]

I will also go with looking up groups in your area for hobbies you like.

For me, what I do whenever I move into a new area is look up the nearest chapter of Pathfinder Society, or whatever gaming groups there are on Meetup.

[Vinyadan]

Martial arts classes cost a lot of money.

I don't remember ever paying more than 200 euro a year, but I guess you know the costs in your area better than I do.

[AMFV]

Sadly, I lack a pokemon go capable device. Otherwise nice ideas though! Although I'm really trying to limit the money I spend out.

That's probably going to make it pretty difficult comparatively. Normally, most activities cost something, especially if they involve moderation of groups of strangers. There are some free opportunities (like volunteering), but those tend to quite time intensive and aren't always situated to allow people to socialize as well as they could be.

I would suggest that you try at your work, that's usually a good place to start making friends and acquaintances. Also, it's a good thing to be aware that typically as people age their network of friends shrinks and deepens. People tend to not have as many friends in the sense that college kids do, but they tend to have better friends. This is important because it will impact how people go about trying to respond to your attempts to befriend them.

[Flickerdart]

Yeah but then I'd have to go on dates.

With boys no less!

My ex-roommate has broken up with all the boys she met on online dating, but ended up making friends with all the girls. I don't know if that helps you at all, though.

Speaking of which, depending on where you live, roommates are very useful both as a source of social contact, and going splitsies on rent for an awesome place and all the stuff with which to fill said awesome place.

The great thing about friends is you only need one or two, because they will be hanging out with you + all their friends, whom you can also befriend, and then you befriend their friends, until you have so many friends that Facebook blacklists you as a spammer for adding so many friends.

[lio45]

Yeah but then I'd have to go on dates.

With boys no less!

If you don't like boys, there's also the "female seeking female" section which would likely work even better for your true end goal (as Flickerdart points out just above).

[Mauve Shirt]

Meetup.com has some groups for most areas. Some of those "20-30 something activity groups" are good for generic getting out there. The one in my area holds a board game night at the grocery store, or picnics in public parks, or other free activities as well as food and drink type meetups.

[Scarlet Knight]

Yeah but then I'd have to go on dates.

With boys no less!

No, no, that's just a perk.

As for me, I work in a cubicle, so I decorate it with some things I like: my college, favorite sports team, a Gandalf figure. Thus, people who come by know my likes, and when I visit and look at their spots, I often can talk to them about their likes : ie "Oh , you're a Green Lantern fan, eh?"

Also check the local papers, there're always some group having a function that might appeal to you. Ie: You may not want to be in the local theater as an actor but I'm sure they can use painters or carpenters if that is what you like.

[Corlindale]

Check your local newspapers or city websites for any organizations that might host free events of some kind.

For example, our city used to have a board game shop that hosted a board game day about once a month, as a promotion. I sometimes went to it alone, without knowing anybody, but always ended up talking to people and having a good time. The fact that it was a gaming event also helped take off some of the social pressure, because no one had to struggle to make lame small talk, we would just be working on figuring out the rules and playing through the game together.

Otherwise, I nth the suggestion of volunteering - it's really rewarding in itself and you tend to meet nice people too. I used to help out at study sessions for immigrant children, where we just had to help them with whatever homework they had - which at primary school levels generally doesn't require any skills beyond basic language and basic math. Maybe your city has something similar?

Flashing your interests, as Scarlet Knight suggested, can also be surprisingly useful, though obviously luck-dependent as well. At a point in my life when I had just moved to a new city and was trying to gather people for a PnP group, a store clerk commented on my Baldur's Gate II T-shirt. I ended up getting enough players through work, but I'm pretty sure I could have found him and asked if he wanted to join, if it had come up.
Merely reading the Pathfinder Core Book on the bus once lead me to a lengthy conversation about the game with a random stranger, too.

[Velaryon]

Yeah but then I'd have to go on dates.

With boys no less!

Many if not most dating sites also allow you to specify if you're looking just for new friendships, so you don't have to do the date thing if you really don't want to.

[WarKitty]

A lot of my problem is that I have no car and work evening hours along with Saturdays. So many activities simply aren't available to me - I don't see when I'd be able to volunteer, for example.

[AMFV]

A lot of my problem is that I have no car and work evening hours along with Saturdays. So many activities simply aren't available to me - I don't see when I'd be able to volunteer, for example.

Hiking and outdoor events, those tend to be scheduled during the day or earlier. They're often near public transit, and can be a definite way to increase your friend base, provided of course that your city has clubs and organizations based around those sort of events and that those are things you'd be into.

[Scarlet Knight]

Hmmm, no car, no money, no time. Thus whatever you choose must be cheap and close to your home and can be done early or at night.

How about jogging? It's cheap, usually can be done in your neighborhood, in the early hours before work, and as a woman, there's a good chance you'll have friends looking to run with you in no time (results vary based on Charisma score).

Biking would also work, I think.

Or, taking a cue from AMFV and going outdoors (if where you live allows it) fishing is inexpensive, can be done early, and has clubs where people can spin yarns of the ones that got away...

[WarKitty]

Hmmm, no car, no money, no time. Thus whatever you choose must be cheap and close to your home and can be done early or at night.

How about jogging? It's cheap, usually can be done in your neighborhood, in the early hours before work, and as a woman, there's a good chance you'll have friends looking to run with you in no time (results vary based on Charisma score).

Trust me, this does not work. The attention you get is overwhelmingly not the type of attention that I'm looking for.

[Lemmy]

Are there any of those parks where people play chess? Those could be fun. Maybe go to a (cheap) gym or dog park?

[Flickerdart]

Maybe go to a (cheap) gym or dog park?
Ooh, that's an idea - get a dog. I would definitely become friends with someone just because they owned a corgi.

[TOZ]

Mostly I managed to make friends here in Phoenix by getting active in the organized play scene. Not everyone I meet at the game store is friend material, and some have come and gone, but I do have a number of people I hang out with regularly outside of gamedays. I imagine it will work with any community events you prefer to attend. Common ground is a good place to start.