CowardlyPaladin
2016-09-07, 09:23 PM
A friend of mine wrote this up for my game and I thought it might be funny to other people. This version has been altered slightly to remove swear words but other than that this isn't me, its a friend of mine, orignial version found here (http://dicecast.tumblr.com/post/146716524494/the-paladin-faq)
IF you want to submit a question, just post it on the thread and I will ask my friend for an in character response.
Since Paladins are a bit of a controversy, this just how Paladins work in my game, there is an Objective Morality found in the Outer Planes, Paladins as per the 3.5 PHB don't have to be religious and don't draw their powers from a god, and the Knight Class is something entirely different based on honor with Paladins being primarily champions of Law and Good. Also This is an in world document from my game, bear in mind character bias. The stuff in Italics are by the character's editor and superior, the long suffering (and sadly in our game now deceased) Professor Bartosz. And poison isn’t evil in my game because that is dumb and full of dumb. Enjoy.
Guide for New Paladins
by Hayashi Suyuri
We at the University of Justice (Sigil Core, next to the Lightning Tree) would like to thank Professor Hayashi Sayuri for writing up a helpful FAQ for our new students. As she is missing all but one of her limbs, she is the only one on staff who has the time to write it up.. Let this set an example to all our young paladins to always strive to do good, in whatever small ways you can.- Professor Bartosz, University of Justice
Author’s Note: Go hang yourself, Bartosz.
Q: Can I lie?
Your powers come from your force of personality. What do you think?
Q: Can I use poison?
Yes.
Q: But that’s dishonorable!
You’re a paladin, not a knight.
Q: I’m lawful. Shouldn’t I follow the rules of honorable combat?
No.
Q: I’ve been challenged by a Blackguard to a duel in single combat, and she’s far more powerful than me. What should I do?
Cheat.
Q: Seriously?
Yeah. You’re not a knight. Or a Blackguard for that matter. People expect paladins to be honorable, but we don’t have to, so it’s more surprising when we cheat. It’s an advantage you shouldn’t waste.
Q: Isn’t cheating chaotic?
It can be. A lot of cheating tactics lean toward chaos. If you’ve been cheating a lot in combat, you should be careful to make sure you’re being very lawful in your day-to-day life. Spend a couple days around an actual chaotic person–that should do the trick.
Q: Am I allowed to use ranged weaponry?
What kind of Hoplite nonsense is this?
Q: Am I allowed to run away?
Are you allowed to use tactics? Yes. Yes you are.
Q: But shouldn’t I stand my ground?
Not if you can escape and fight again tomorrow. Being a paladin doesn’t mean you have to be Stupid Good.
Q: What if there are innocents who will die? I can’t just leave them.
Oh, then you sacrifice yourself. Just don’t do it for nothing.
Q: Do I have to challenge people to single combat?
No. Single combat is usually stupid. You’re not even well-built for single combat. You can hit evil things pretty hard, but you’re still pretty much just a melee combatant. You’ll do a lot better if you have a wizard friend to throw fireballs and a rogue friend to backstab your opponent.
Q: Am I allowed to steal?
In very specific circumstances, yes. For example, you could steal a key from a guard to free some prisoners. Or you could steal an evil artifact from some cultists in order to destroy it. Basically, the rule of thumb is that you can’t steal if it would profit you anyway, or if it would hurt innocents.
Q: So can I loot corpse?
Oh yeah, totally. How do you think I got this sweet axe?
Q: I’ve heard that all paladins must consume a daily quantity of sugar, but I’m a diabetic. What should I do?
…what?
Q: Am I allowed to have premarital sex?
Have as much sex as you want. Actually, there’s a spell some paladins learn that lets them have half-celestial kids.
Q: Yeah, but if you’re married, it’s different!
Look, University of Justice is a college. If sex made you fall, we wouldn’t have any students after the first two weeks.
Q: Can I be gay and be a paladin?
I don’t know. Let me ask my girlfriend.
Q: But I mean, you can’t, like, have sex, right?
Yeah, I’m not discussing my sex life with students.
Q: I’m in a poly relationship. Do I have to give it up to become a paladin?
It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you are in. It literally doesn’t matter.
Except an abusive relationship, I guess. If you’re abusive, you’ll fall.
Q: I’m into, um, kinky stuff in the bedroom. Could that keep me from becoming a paladin?
Ah, college kids. Such priorities.
Q: My girlfriend cheated on me, and she’s still a paladin. How is that possible?
Because that’s not evil. It just makes you a jer. You can be a jerk and still be a paladin, .......Ginevra.
Q: Am I allowed to drink?
With this job? Yeah.
Q: Do I have to respect my elders?
I wish you did.
Q: Am I allowed to kill prisoners?
If a mortal being has surrendered, no. (Unless they draw a weapon, or–in some circumstances–if they attempt to run away.)
Q: What if the person who surrendered killed my father, and I want to avenge him? (I’m asking for a friend.)
We don’t do that. If you want vengeance, get a different class.
Q: Am I allowed to use torture?
Torture is always evil.
Q: But what if I need to do it to get information that will save lives?
It’s still evil. Anyway, torture isn’t really effective. Even if you, say, saw someone’s foot off so they can’t walk anymore (without any anesthesia or magic), they won’t tell you the truth, they’ll just say what you want to hear.
Q: How do I get the information, then?
Your powers come from your force of personality. Maybe you can think of something?
Q: I want to become a paladin, but I’m impatient and I don’t know if I can deal with being nice to people all the time.
Then you’re in luck, because paladins are the biggest jerks I’ve ever met.
Q: Am I allowed to use evil magic?
No…it’s evil…?
Q: So I can’t use necromancy?
No, necromancy is fine. Evil magic is anything that comes from the lower planes. You know. Where evil comes from. That’s all.
Q: But undead are evil!
Most of them. But necromancy is negative energy, not evil. Drawing people's souls back from the beyond and binding them to do your biding is evil because that is slavery, but using mindless undead is just...using mindless undead. Are you really planning on double-classing paladin/wizard necromancy subtype?
Q: Well, no, but I–
Didn’t think so.
Q: Is eating meat evil?
By the Lady, not you again! I have to say this every year. No. Eating meat will never be evil.
Q: Am I allowed to swear?
No.
Q: Am I allowed to be sarcastic?
No.
Q: Which god do I have to worship?
None of them.
Q: What? I can be an atheist?
Sure. Or you can worship a god. There’s plenty of places of worship on campus. But it’s not a requirement. (And ignore that “wall of the faithless” crap, that’s just god propaganda.)
Q: This sounds like some sort of Sigil crap.
Not all atheists come from Sigil. Some of them are normal Primes who just don’t happen to worship a god.
Q: But still, I want to be a humble paladin, not a stuck-up wizard in an ivory tower or something.
Actually, there’s more atheist paladins than any other class. Because we know where we’ll go when we die, there’s not much incentive–
Hayashi, this is starting to sound like a conversion pamphlet, keep the Athar stuff out of it
Let’s try that again. Worshipping, or not worshipping, any given god will have no affect on your status as a paladin. Got it?
Q: But I met someone who was a paladin of Pelor/Garl Glittergold/the One/Dionysus/Eilistraee!
Yeah. Lots of paladins do that. But they don’t get their powers from their god. It’s just something they say to show they draw their inspiration from their god. You could be a paladin of learning or a paladin of cheese and crackers if you want.
Q: So I can be a paladin of Pelor/Garl Glittergold/the One/Dionysus/Eilistraee?
Sure.
Q: That was a joke, right? There are no paladins of Eilistraee, right?
Actually, she has a rather large order. They get purged frequently.
Q: Okay, but…there aren’t any paladins of Lolth, right?
I’ve met at least one.
Q: Are there gods I can’t worship?
Not as far as I know. I mean, swearing fealty to an evil god seems wrong somehow, but plenty of orc paladins from traditional families still worship their racial pantheon.
Q: Orc paladins?!
Heck, even I sometimes go to ceremonies, and I haven’t worshipped those tyrants since I was twelve.
Q: I might feel more comfortable getting this information from a, uh…human paladin?
Too bad. Anyway, I’m half-elven, and I’ve only got my left arm, so let’s assume that’s the elven half.
Q: That’s not how halves work.
Worship whatever gods you want. And get used to seeing orcs, because University of Justice has a “savage scholarship.” It’s some kind of outreach program.
Q: Don’t they fall a lot?
All our students fall a lot. We’ve got a 41% graduation rate.
Q: What about worshiping demons?
Don’t worship demons.
Q: So, I’ll fall?
I don’t know, but nobody should worship demons.
Q: Should I go on a suicide mission to Hell?
No.
Q: Should I go on a suicide mission to the Abyss?
No.
Q: Should I join the blood war?
NO.
Q: I’ve fallen. What should I do now?
First, DO NOT make a deal with a demon.
Okay, second, take a deep breath. Falling isn’t the end. Just get an atonement spell, and you’ll be back in shape after one adventure. The majority of paladins are still LG after falling, with a minority being NG, and a smaller minority becoming CG or LN. Rarely is the action that caused a paladin to fall so heinous that the paladin becomes evil as a result. Although it has been known to happen,.... Phil.
Third, DO NOT make a deal with a demon.
Q: I don’t want to atone. I don’t think what I did was wrong.
That’s fine. For lots of former paladins, falling was a wake-up call. It made them realize that LG wasn’t for them, and they could do just as much good as a different class. Some become NG or CG, some become LN. Others remain LG, but choose not to atone.
If being a paladin is keeping you from personal fulfilment, I personally suggest you don’t even try. Yeah, free will means we can choose our alignment, but if your nature’s more chaotic, why fight it? Chaos can do just as much good as law.
Just make sure that you DO NOT make a deal with a demon.
Just because you decide to stay fallen, doesn’t mean you need to bang your way down the alignment tree hitting every branch on the way down (Phil). One evil action doesn’t mean you’re evil, now. (Those who fell due to becoming chaotic probably shouldn’t need this reminder, but you didn’t even do anything evil.) Being LN (or TN or CN) is a perfectly acceptable option. And you’re probably still good. There’s lots of alignments between “paladin” and “bat**** crazy.”
You’re a paladin, so you’re used to alignment being a zero sum game, but now that you’re fallen, it’s time to get used to the idea that everyone has an alignment. Look at all the people around you who aren’t paladins. Do they go around murdering babies and raping cats?
Q: But what I did wasn’t wrong. Isn’t there some sort of Good Appeals Board I can take this up with?
Look, alignment isn’t one of those fuzzy, loosy-goosy conceptual things, like gods or oxygen or whatever. If you get dumped by Lolth, you can appeal to her (good luck), but if your alignment changed, it doesn’t really matter if Heaven takes pity on you or not.
Q: But I’m still Lawful Good!
Doesn’t mean you’re still a paladin, though.
Q: Why not?
If you’re still LG, it’s because you committed an evil action. Few evil actions are enough to change the alignment of a good person (like I said, it can happen, Phil), but those evil actions still matter.
Q: You said alignment is objective. I’m objectively LG! Heaven doesn’t care that I committed one evil action. Why should it matter?
Because we hold ourselves to a higher standard. That’s what makes us paladins.
Q: Didn’t you just say people who weren’t paladins could do just as much good?
Yeah. Cause they see good as a risk/reward calculation. Being willing to let things get a little messy might mean you take the bigger reward–you save more people. You help more. But paladins aren’t just about helping. Paladins are also supposed to be an example of what LG is.
Q: So you’re saying LG is more good than NG and CG are?
No, I’m saying it’s more lawful. Being a paladin means abiding by a code. The code says we never commit and evil action. So even if it seems really small, and the amount of good it could accomplish is really great, we don’t do it, cause it’s against the code.
Q: You’re saying paladins can’t think for themselves?
If there’s anything I’ve learned as a teacher, it’s that people are idiots, and not thinking for themselves is sometimes a blessing.
Optimism is a virtue Suyuri
Q: But I’m still Lawful Good!
Then following a code shouldn’t bother you so much, should it? You can’t be a paladin again until you atone. Says so in the rules. See?
Q: Are the NG and CG exemplars our enemies?
Of course not. The beings of NG and CG are our allies in the fight against evil. Stupid allies who consistently ruin our plans, but allies nontheless.
Q: I’m 37th in a long family line of paladins. My parents want me to become a paladin, too, but I’m not sure. What should I do?
Don’t do it. You’re not cut out for it, and you’ll wind up falling.
Q: Should paladins act for the greater good?
I’ve never met anybody, paladin or otherwise, who said “greater good” and didn’t mean “evil.”
Q: If I meet an evil person, I should kill them, right?
Slow down, sparky. Killing isn’t the solution to every problem.
Q: But I can detect evil!
Yeah, and? That’s so you don’t get tricked by obvious con artists. (I was going to complain about the rumor that paladins are easily tricked, but looking back over these questions, I should probably bite my tongue.) You can’t literally kill everyone who pings as evil.
Q: But they’re evil.
Most of the world’s evil. Take a walk around Rome. If you went around trying to “eliminate” all of them, you’d be fallen
Q: But what if they are a Devil?
Oh...that's ok then, carry on
Q: Paladins are supposed to fight evil. How can I fall for that?
Look, I get that it’s objective reality or whatever, but there’s degrees of evil. Like, are you going to kill a 16 year old street urchin because she’s too poor to get money any other way than picking pockets, when there’s a devil right there?
Q: So you’re saying paladins are never allowed to kill mortals?
What? No, of course not. If it’s in self-defense, or defending someone else, it’s not murder. And even murder can be the right choice sometimes. Just use your brain. If you kill everyone who’s evil, well…
Q: Isn’t it better to try to get rid of all the evil people?
You know alignment can change, right? Free will?
Q: So I shouldn’t kill demons just for being evil, either?
What? No, that’s different. They’re demons. They’re not just people that are evil, they’re made of evil.
Q: Okay, but what about mortals that have a racial inclination to evil?
You mean alufiends? They still have free will. I know a nice LN alufiend who runs a teashop.
Q: And what about savage races like Goblins or Orcs?
That’s kind of an outdated term. I believe they prefer…actually, those races have nothing in common, so there is no PC term for them as a whole. “Mortals of non-heroic origin”?
Q: I mean, after wiping out a band of marauding goblins, if I find they had a child, what should I do? Should I slay it, to prevent it from harming the community later?
There is a runaway trolley barrelling down the tracks toward five people who are tied up, unable to move. One person stands on the other tracks. Do you pull the lever to switch the trolley, or do nothing?
Q: What does that have to do with anything?
That’s what you sound like.
Q: But that’s an interesting philosophical question.
No. It’s not. If morality is decided entirely in the realm of the hypothetical, then there’s no consequences, and therefore morality has no meaning. There would never be a trolley barreling toward five people, one person on the other tracks, and you deciding what switch to pull. The only reason to come up with an answer about the trolley problem is to feel good about yourself. University of Justice doesn’t train you so you can sit around in an office like me, answering Philosophy 101 questions like some Adept or aristocrat.
Q: Yeah, but what if there was a trolley?
You want an answer to the trolley problem? Fine. Jump in front of it yourself.
Q: What?
You jump in front of it yourself. You sacrifice yourself. That’s the only thing a paladin ever sacrifices for the good of the group. Get it?
Q: But what if the person on the other tracks was a baby goblin?
Don’t kill children, you idiot!
Author’s Note: It’s been pointed out to me by my esteemed colleague that some of our students may not be aware that goblins, like all mortal races, have free will. They don’t have a special inclination toward evil. I’d think that’s plenty of justification to flunk them on the spot, but I’m not the president of University of Justice.)
Q: But the goblin pantheon is evil!
And Lathander’s the god of the morning, but that doesn’t mean Professor Clery won’t bite your head off if you talk to her before she’s had her cup of coffee. (After she’s woken up at 11, the lazy git.)
Q: It’s different for humans.
It’s really not. And Professor Clery’s a bugbear.
Q: Okay, I won’t kill every evil person I meet, but I can’t travel with them, right?
I mean, that’s up to you.
Q: I won’t fall for having evil companions?
I mean, I guess you would if you started doing evil things with them? But not just for travelling with them, no. An evil person existing doesn’t make you evil by association.
Q: But if I have evil companions, they’ll backstab and betray me.
Not if you’re working toward a common goal. Evil just means they’re willing to screw over other people, not that they’re compelled to do it. If there’s a terrifying world-ending squid that wants to eat your hometown, then the evil hexblade is just as likely to want to get rid of it as you are.
Q: So I can’t torture anybody, but if the party rogue is already evil, I could just get her to do it…?
No!
Q: I thought I was supposed to tolerate my companions being evil.
No, you’re supposed to tolerate them. You should try to stop them from doing evil actions.
Q: Should I stop them from being evil?
Yes. Anything short of violence works. I like to go all orcish grandma on them. Passive aggression is really effective.
Q: I had my leg bitten off by a demonic crocodile. What should I do?
I don’t know, maybe write FAQs for idiot kids.
Q: A devil came around recruiting for the blood war…
I already told you, no!
Q: What if doing the right thing is against the law of the land?
You do the right thing.
Q: But I’m Lawful. If I don’t follow the laws of the land, won’t I fall?
You’re Lawful Good. You can’t just be lawful or just be good, you’re both. And LG means that you don’t follow evil laws.
Q: If I come from an evil country, how can I be lawful without following evil laws?
You don’t have to follow the law of the land to be lawful. Lawful just means you strive toward a consistent ideal. You keep a code–even if it’s not explicitly written out–of who you want to be. If that goes along with your country’s laws, that’s good, but if it means standing against your country’s laws, that’s still consistency. Consistency is what matters.
Q: So if I’m in an evil country, do I have to stand up to their laws?
As a rule, fixing society isn’t really our job. If you see evil right in front of you, you should try to stop it, but trying to bring real change to society is more trouble than it’s worth. It’s not our job to end slavery and stop genocide. Our job is to end cosmic threats. It’s a lot more efficient to focus on threats everyone can agree on. We might have different opinions about if mages should be locked in towers or own slaves, but we can all agree that someone’s gotta cut down the Blight.
I mean, I can’t exactly go home to the Orc lands and “liberate” the women and end male rule–not without getting them to ditch the pantheon, which I don’t think they’d be keen on–but if I see a guy beating a woman, I can at least step in and mess his face up a little.
Editor’s note: This is just one paladin’s opinion and does not represent the views of University of Jjustice. Many paladins get involved in politics and make a difference by fighting for justice, you all must choose your own way to fight evil...just don't join the blood war
Also, it’s called a patriarchy. You’re a scholar now, Hayashi, you could learn a few simple words.
Author’s note: Yeah, this kind of language mumbo jumbo is exactly the waste of time I’m talking about. I can sit here arguing over what to call men beating their wives, which is super helpful, or I can go kill demon squids.
Editor’s note: Since you’re no longer able to kill much of anything, you might consider getting more involved in social justice.
Author’s note: But then how would I provide this helpful FAQ?
Q: Wait, what are you talking about? Why did you bring up slavery?
It’s one of the more common evils. Most empires have some form of slavery. Rome, for instance. And let’s not get started on the drow…
Q: In my culture, slavery is perfectly acceptable. Can I still be a paladin?
What, and be OK with slavery? No.
Q: But it’s my culture!
Yeah, well, your culture’s wrong. It happens.
Q: That’s racist.
Seriously? After asking for a human to write this FAQ, I’m the racist? Look, I get it. I come from an evil culture, too. Let’s face it, most of us do. But things aren’t good just cause they’re culture.
Q: What about cannibalism? My culture’s okay with cannibalism. You said eating meat was never evil.
…I was talking about…I was talking about animal meat…no…no, cannibalism isn’t okay…
Editor’s Note: Technically speaking, cannibalism is only evil if you kill someone for the purpose of eating their flesh. If they were dead anyway, or you killed them for some other reason, and then due to starvation, you ate their flesh, that would be fine. Or if you ate flesh as part of a burial ritual. It’s killing someone for the purpose of eating them that’s evil.
Author’s Note: Which is a reminder, kids, you should check out Bartosz’s philosophy 101 class, where you can discuss all these pedantic meaningless distinctions. Or you could not commit cannibalism, because that’s disgusting.
Q: I stabbed through a curtain, thinking my uncle was behind it, and I accidentally murdered an innocent.
Wait, what? Why did you want to kill your uncle? Never mind, I don’t want to know. There’s probably some creepy incest thing going on. Sorry, I started writing a response before I finished reading the question. Let’s see what it is.
Q: I didn’t fall. What gives?
You committed an evil act, but unknowingly. The paladin code recognizes intent. Accidentally killing an innocent, and other evil acts committed in ignorance, don’t cause you to fall.
Q: They don’t count as evil actions?
No, they do. If you somehow ignorantly committed enough evil acts in ignorance to change your alignment and become LN, you’d still fall. You can’t be a paladin if you’re not LG. I’ve never heard of a case of that happening, though, because you’d have to be really ignorant. And really clumsy.
Q: Wait, so don’t I benefit from staying ignorant? Is knowledge what causes evil? Should I eschew all knowledge from now on?
If that’s how you view being a paladin, then you’re gonna fall.
Q: All right, I don’t fall, but I still feel bad about it. What can I do to avoid it?
Okay, well, uh…instead of stabbing someone through a curtain, maybe, I don’t know, offer a chance to surrender first? Or at least call out, “Who’s there?”
Q: Wait, never mind. I spent like 20 days pondering the consequences of my sins and what to do next, and I fell anyway. So, did I fall because I learned my actions were evil and was able to appreciate the consequences?
No, that’s not really how it works.
Q: What the hell, then? Why did I fall?
Well, paladins are kind of, you know, action oriented. Sitting around for 20 days not taking action when your uncle’s apparently evil or something doesn’t really…work.
Q: Maybe I should consider what class I should be, then. This will require much reflection.
Yeah, okay, kid. You, uh…you do that.
Q: Okay, I’m good at the fighting stuff and the dying stuff, but I’m not sure about the social aspect of being a paladin. How should I treat the fairer sex?
Uh. Just treat them…like people?
Q: What about chivalry?
We don’t have that, uh, code. And some of us are women.
Q: Oh, that’s a good point! How should I treat paladin women? Should they be treated the same way I should treat other women, or…?
Seriously, treat them the same way you treat men. Supposedly any kind of treating the sexes differently counts as a minor evil act and can change your alignment, or something. So my colleagues tell me, anyway. Also, it’s super annoying.
Q: What do you mean?
Well, you know, if women are your fellow adventurers, they don’t usually want you opening dungeon doors for them and stuff. Especially if she’s the party rogue and you didn’t give her time to check for traps.
Q: So, treat them exactly the same?
Yep.
Q: Wait, am I allowed to attack women?
No. Even if a woman is evil, and is attacking you, and you will die unless you defend yourself, you can’t attack her. You will always fall if you attack women.......
Q: Can I kill people for committing Chaotic Acts the way you can for Evil Acts?
No. First off, when it comes to stopping an evil act, killing should be a last resort. You talk first, plead second, wheedle third, bargain fourth, subdue last, it's like the five stages of grief. If nothing else works, then you kill.
We all know we're talking evil acts that could cause serious bodily harm, right? You never go past the bargaining stage for, like, slurs.
Personally, I stick to slaughtering damned. Hairy moral conflicts aren't really my gig. If it's mortals, I only get involved if we're talking death or child trafficking.
So why do we try to stop evil acts when we see them? By definition, all evil acts hurt someone. (Again, though, we're focused on the bodily harm here, not the psychological.) Why don't we try to stop every chaotic act we see? Only some chaotic acts hurt people. (Being annoying doesn't count. And no, being annoying doesn't count as psychological harm either, I see you raising your hand, Fauna.)
Law and chaos are methods. Paladins use the method of law because, frankly, it's more efficient. We get **** done. And based on these questions it's clear you people need some rules. But it's a method, not a goal. Our goal is to help people (or stop them being hurt). Those twee CG Robin Hood types have the same goal, they also want to help people. It's just, well, our way is better.
So, as to your first question--what should you do if you see a CG person committing a chaotic act? Ask yourself if it's hurting anyone. Pretty much any CG person committing a chaotic act that would seriously hurt other people can be convinced to stop doing that without violence. It's part of the whole "good aligned" thing.
And if it's not? Don't kill them. Just lecture them. Cause they're wrong.
Chaotic people hate lectures.
Q: What kind of mount do you recommend?
Well, of course, all mounts are great and I’m sure you’ll succeed no matter what you choose. But dire parrots are the best! You can teach them to curse, and then you can really intimidate enemies by swooping toward them on a brightly colored steed shrieking “Screw you and your mother! Bacaw!”
Q: Are you trolling?
No. My dire parrot is the best mount. Can your mount talk? I didn’t think so.
Q: Wait, so you have a parrot…you’re missing your legs…and a hand…are you a pirate?!
Yeah, we’re done here.
IF you want to submit a question, just post it on the thread and I will ask my friend for an in character response.
Since Paladins are a bit of a controversy, this just how Paladins work in my game, there is an Objective Morality found in the Outer Planes, Paladins as per the 3.5 PHB don't have to be religious and don't draw their powers from a god, and the Knight Class is something entirely different based on honor with Paladins being primarily champions of Law and Good. Also This is an in world document from my game, bear in mind character bias. The stuff in Italics are by the character's editor and superior, the long suffering (and sadly in our game now deceased) Professor Bartosz. And poison isn’t evil in my game because that is dumb and full of dumb. Enjoy.
Guide for New Paladins
by Hayashi Suyuri
We at the University of Justice (Sigil Core, next to the Lightning Tree) would like to thank Professor Hayashi Sayuri for writing up a helpful FAQ for our new students. As she is missing all but one of her limbs, she is the only one on staff who has the time to write it up.. Let this set an example to all our young paladins to always strive to do good, in whatever small ways you can.- Professor Bartosz, University of Justice
Author’s Note: Go hang yourself, Bartosz.
Q: Can I lie?
Your powers come from your force of personality. What do you think?
Q: Can I use poison?
Yes.
Q: But that’s dishonorable!
You’re a paladin, not a knight.
Q: I’m lawful. Shouldn’t I follow the rules of honorable combat?
No.
Q: I’ve been challenged by a Blackguard to a duel in single combat, and she’s far more powerful than me. What should I do?
Cheat.
Q: Seriously?
Yeah. You’re not a knight. Or a Blackguard for that matter. People expect paladins to be honorable, but we don’t have to, so it’s more surprising when we cheat. It’s an advantage you shouldn’t waste.
Q: Isn’t cheating chaotic?
It can be. A lot of cheating tactics lean toward chaos. If you’ve been cheating a lot in combat, you should be careful to make sure you’re being very lawful in your day-to-day life. Spend a couple days around an actual chaotic person–that should do the trick.
Q: Am I allowed to use ranged weaponry?
What kind of Hoplite nonsense is this?
Q: Am I allowed to run away?
Are you allowed to use tactics? Yes. Yes you are.
Q: But shouldn’t I stand my ground?
Not if you can escape and fight again tomorrow. Being a paladin doesn’t mean you have to be Stupid Good.
Q: What if there are innocents who will die? I can’t just leave them.
Oh, then you sacrifice yourself. Just don’t do it for nothing.
Q: Do I have to challenge people to single combat?
No. Single combat is usually stupid. You’re not even well-built for single combat. You can hit evil things pretty hard, but you’re still pretty much just a melee combatant. You’ll do a lot better if you have a wizard friend to throw fireballs and a rogue friend to backstab your opponent.
Q: Am I allowed to steal?
In very specific circumstances, yes. For example, you could steal a key from a guard to free some prisoners. Or you could steal an evil artifact from some cultists in order to destroy it. Basically, the rule of thumb is that you can’t steal if it would profit you anyway, or if it would hurt innocents.
Q: So can I loot corpse?
Oh yeah, totally. How do you think I got this sweet axe?
Q: I’ve heard that all paladins must consume a daily quantity of sugar, but I’m a diabetic. What should I do?
…what?
Q: Am I allowed to have premarital sex?
Have as much sex as you want. Actually, there’s a spell some paladins learn that lets them have half-celestial kids.
Q: Yeah, but if you’re married, it’s different!
Look, University of Justice is a college. If sex made you fall, we wouldn’t have any students after the first two weeks.
Q: Can I be gay and be a paladin?
I don’t know. Let me ask my girlfriend.
Q: But I mean, you can’t, like, have sex, right?
Yeah, I’m not discussing my sex life with students.
Q: I’m in a poly relationship. Do I have to give it up to become a paladin?
It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you are in. It literally doesn’t matter.
Except an abusive relationship, I guess. If you’re abusive, you’ll fall.
Q: I’m into, um, kinky stuff in the bedroom. Could that keep me from becoming a paladin?
Ah, college kids. Such priorities.
Q: My girlfriend cheated on me, and she’s still a paladin. How is that possible?
Because that’s not evil. It just makes you a jer. You can be a jerk and still be a paladin, .......Ginevra.
Q: Am I allowed to drink?
With this job? Yeah.
Q: Do I have to respect my elders?
I wish you did.
Q: Am I allowed to kill prisoners?
If a mortal being has surrendered, no. (Unless they draw a weapon, or–in some circumstances–if they attempt to run away.)
Q: What if the person who surrendered killed my father, and I want to avenge him? (I’m asking for a friend.)
We don’t do that. If you want vengeance, get a different class.
Q: Am I allowed to use torture?
Torture is always evil.
Q: But what if I need to do it to get information that will save lives?
It’s still evil. Anyway, torture isn’t really effective. Even if you, say, saw someone’s foot off so they can’t walk anymore (without any anesthesia or magic), they won’t tell you the truth, they’ll just say what you want to hear.
Q: How do I get the information, then?
Your powers come from your force of personality. Maybe you can think of something?
Q: I want to become a paladin, but I’m impatient and I don’t know if I can deal with being nice to people all the time.
Then you’re in luck, because paladins are the biggest jerks I’ve ever met.
Q: Am I allowed to use evil magic?
No…it’s evil…?
Q: So I can’t use necromancy?
No, necromancy is fine. Evil magic is anything that comes from the lower planes. You know. Where evil comes from. That’s all.
Q: But undead are evil!
Most of them. But necromancy is negative energy, not evil. Drawing people's souls back from the beyond and binding them to do your biding is evil because that is slavery, but using mindless undead is just...using mindless undead. Are you really planning on double-classing paladin/wizard necromancy subtype?
Q: Well, no, but I–
Didn’t think so.
Q: Is eating meat evil?
By the Lady, not you again! I have to say this every year. No. Eating meat will never be evil.
Q: Am I allowed to swear?
No.
Q: Am I allowed to be sarcastic?
No.
Q: Which god do I have to worship?
None of them.
Q: What? I can be an atheist?
Sure. Or you can worship a god. There’s plenty of places of worship on campus. But it’s not a requirement. (And ignore that “wall of the faithless” crap, that’s just god propaganda.)
Q: This sounds like some sort of Sigil crap.
Not all atheists come from Sigil. Some of them are normal Primes who just don’t happen to worship a god.
Q: But still, I want to be a humble paladin, not a stuck-up wizard in an ivory tower or something.
Actually, there’s more atheist paladins than any other class. Because we know where we’ll go when we die, there’s not much incentive–
Hayashi, this is starting to sound like a conversion pamphlet, keep the Athar stuff out of it
Let’s try that again. Worshipping, or not worshipping, any given god will have no affect on your status as a paladin. Got it?
Q: But I met someone who was a paladin of Pelor/Garl Glittergold/the One/Dionysus/Eilistraee!
Yeah. Lots of paladins do that. But they don’t get their powers from their god. It’s just something they say to show they draw their inspiration from their god. You could be a paladin of learning or a paladin of cheese and crackers if you want.
Q: So I can be a paladin of Pelor/Garl Glittergold/the One/Dionysus/Eilistraee?
Sure.
Q: That was a joke, right? There are no paladins of Eilistraee, right?
Actually, she has a rather large order. They get purged frequently.
Q: Okay, but…there aren’t any paladins of Lolth, right?
I’ve met at least one.
Q: Are there gods I can’t worship?
Not as far as I know. I mean, swearing fealty to an evil god seems wrong somehow, but plenty of orc paladins from traditional families still worship their racial pantheon.
Q: Orc paladins?!
Heck, even I sometimes go to ceremonies, and I haven’t worshipped those tyrants since I was twelve.
Q: I might feel more comfortable getting this information from a, uh…human paladin?
Too bad. Anyway, I’m half-elven, and I’ve only got my left arm, so let’s assume that’s the elven half.
Q: That’s not how halves work.
Worship whatever gods you want. And get used to seeing orcs, because University of Justice has a “savage scholarship.” It’s some kind of outreach program.
Q: Don’t they fall a lot?
All our students fall a lot. We’ve got a 41% graduation rate.
Q: What about worshiping demons?
Don’t worship demons.
Q: So, I’ll fall?
I don’t know, but nobody should worship demons.
Q: Should I go on a suicide mission to Hell?
No.
Q: Should I go on a suicide mission to the Abyss?
No.
Q: Should I join the blood war?
NO.
Q: I’ve fallen. What should I do now?
First, DO NOT make a deal with a demon.
Okay, second, take a deep breath. Falling isn’t the end. Just get an atonement spell, and you’ll be back in shape after one adventure. The majority of paladins are still LG after falling, with a minority being NG, and a smaller minority becoming CG or LN. Rarely is the action that caused a paladin to fall so heinous that the paladin becomes evil as a result. Although it has been known to happen,.... Phil.
Third, DO NOT make a deal with a demon.
Q: I don’t want to atone. I don’t think what I did was wrong.
That’s fine. For lots of former paladins, falling was a wake-up call. It made them realize that LG wasn’t for them, and they could do just as much good as a different class. Some become NG or CG, some become LN. Others remain LG, but choose not to atone.
If being a paladin is keeping you from personal fulfilment, I personally suggest you don’t even try. Yeah, free will means we can choose our alignment, but if your nature’s more chaotic, why fight it? Chaos can do just as much good as law.
Just make sure that you DO NOT make a deal with a demon.
Just because you decide to stay fallen, doesn’t mean you need to bang your way down the alignment tree hitting every branch on the way down (Phil). One evil action doesn’t mean you’re evil, now. (Those who fell due to becoming chaotic probably shouldn’t need this reminder, but you didn’t even do anything evil.) Being LN (or TN or CN) is a perfectly acceptable option. And you’re probably still good. There’s lots of alignments between “paladin” and “bat**** crazy.”
You’re a paladin, so you’re used to alignment being a zero sum game, but now that you’re fallen, it’s time to get used to the idea that everyone has an alignment. Look at all the people around you who aren’t paladins. Do they go around murdering babies and raping cats?
Q: But what I did wasn’t wrong. Isn’t there some sort of Good Appeals Board I can take this up with?
Look, alignment isn’t one of those fuzzy, loosy-goosy conceptual things, like gods or oxygen or whatever. If you get dumped by Lolth, you can appeal to her (good luck), but if your alignment changed, it doesn’t really matter if Heaven takes pity on you or not.
Q: But I’m still Lawful Good!
Doesn’t mean you’re still a paladin, though.
Q: Why not?
If you’re still LG, it’s because you committed an evil action. Few evil actions are enough to change the alignment of a good person (like I said, it can happen, Phil), but those evil actions still matter.
Q: You said alignment is objective. I’m objectively LG! Heaven doesn’t care that I committed one evil action. Why should it matter?
Because we hold ourselves to a higher standard. That’s what makes us paladins.
Q: Didn’t you just say people who weren’t paladins could do just as much good?
Yeah. Cause they see good as a risk/reward calculation. Being willing to let things get a little messy might mean you take the bigger reward–you save more people. You help more. But paladins aren’t just about helping. Paladins are also supposed to be an example of what LG is.
Q: So you’re saying LG is more good than NG and CG are?
No, I’m saying it’s more lawful. Being a paladin means abiding by a code. The code says we never commit and evil action. So even if it seems really small, and the amount of good it could accomplish is really great, we don’t do it, cause it’s against the code.
Q: You’re saying paladins can’t think for themselves?
If there’s anything I’ve learned as a teacher, it’s that people are idiots, and not thinking for themselves is sometimes a blessing.
Optimism is a virtue Suyuri
Q: But I’m still Lawful Good!
Then following a code shouldn’t bother you so much, should it? You can’t be a paladin again until you atone. Says so in the rules. See?
Q: Are the NG and CG exemplars our enemies?
Of course not. The beings of NG and CG are our allies in the fight against evil. Stupid allies who consistently ruin our plans, but allies nontheless.
Q: I’m 37th in a long family line of paladins. My parents want me to become a paladin, too, but I’m not sure. What should I do?
Don’t do it. You’re not cut out for it, and you’ll wind up falling.
Q: Should paladins act for the greater good?
I’ve never met anybody, paladin or otherwise, who said “greater good” and didn’t mean “evil.”
Q: If I meet an evil person, I should kill them, right?
Slow down, sparky. Killing isn’t the solution to every problem.
Q: But I can detect evil!
Yeah, and? That’s so you don’t get tricked by obvious con artists. (I was going to complain about the rumor that paladins are easily tricked, but looking back over these questions, I should probably bite my tongue.) You can’t literally kill everyone who pings as evil.
Q: But they’re evil.
Most of the world’s evil. Take a walk around Rome. If you went around trying to “eliminate” all of them, you’d be fallen
Q: But what if they are a Devil?
Oh...that's ok then, carry on
Q: Paladins are supposed to fight evil. How can I fall for that?
Look, I get that it’s objective reality or whatever, but there’s degrees of evil. Like, are you going to kill a 16 year old street urchin because she’s too poor to get money any other way than picking pockets, when there’s a devil right there?
Q: So you’re saying paladins are never allowed to kill mortals?
What? No, of course not. If it’s in self-defense, or defending someone else, it’s not murder. And even murder can be the right choice sometimes. Just use your brain. If you kill everyone who’s evil, well…
Q: Isn’t it better to try to get rid of all the evil people?
You know alignment can change, right? Free will?
Q: So I shouldn’t kill demons just for being evil, either?
What? No, that’s different. They’re demons. They’re not just people that are evil, they’re made of evil.
Q: Okay, but what about mortals that have a racial inclination to evil?
You mean alufiends? They still have free will. I know a nice LN alufiend who runs a teashop.
Q: And what about savage races like Goblins or Orcs?
That’s kind of an outdated term. I believe they prefer…actually, those races have nothing in common, so there is no PC term for them as a whole. “Mortals of non-heroic origin”?
Q: I mean, after wiping out a band of marauding goblins, if I find they had a child, what should I do? Should I slay it, to prevent it from harming the community later?
There is a runaway trolley barrelling down the tracks toward five people who are tied up, unable to move. One person stands on the other tracks. Do you pull the lever to switch the trolley, or do nothing?
Q: What does that have to do with anything?
That’s what you sound like.
Q: But that’s an interesting philosophical question.
No. It’s not. If morality is decided entirely in the realm of the hypothetical, then there’s no consequences, and therefore morality has no meaning. There would never be a trolley barreling toward five people, one person on the other tracks, and you deciding what switch to pull. The only reason to come up with an answer about the trolley problem is to feel good about yourself. University of Justice doesn’t train you so you can sit around in an office like me, answering Philosophy 101 questions like some Adept or aristocrat.
Q: Yeah, but what if there was a trolley?
You want an answer to the trolley problem? Fine. Jump in front of it yourself.
Q: What?
You jump in front of it yourself. You sacrifice yourself. That’s the only thing a paladin ever sacrifices for the good of the group. Get it?
Q: But what if the person on the other tracks was a baby goblin?
Don’t kill children, you idiot!
Author’s Note: It’s been pointed out to me by my esteemed colleague that some of our students may not be aware that goblins, like all mortal races, have free will. They don’t have a special inclination toward evil. I’d think that’s plenty of justification to flunk them on the spot, but I’m not the president of University of Justice.)
Q: But the goblin pantheon is evil!
And Lathander’s the god of the morning, but that doesn’t mean Professor Clery won’t bite your head off if you talk to her before she’s had her cup of coffee. (After she’s woken up at 11, the lazy git.)
Q: It’s different for humans.
It’s really not. And Professor Clery’s a bugbear.
Q: Okay, I won’t kill every evil person I meet, but I can’t travel with them, right?
I mean, that’s up to you.
Q: I won’t fall for having evil companions?
I mean, I guess you would if you started doing evil things with them? But not just for travelling with them, no. An evil person existing doesn’t make you evil by association.
Q: But if I have evil companions, they’ll backstab and betray me.
Not if you’re working toward a common goal. Evil just means they’re willing to screw over other people, not that they’re compelled to do it. If there’s a terrifying world-ending squid that wants to eat your hometown, then the evil hexblade is just as likely to want to get rid of it as you are.
Q: So I can’t torture anybody, but if the party rogue is already evil, I could just get her to do it…?
No!
Q: I thought I was supposed to tolerate my companions being evil.
No, you’re supposed to tolerate them. You should try to stop them from doing evil actions.
Q: Should I stop them from being evil?
Yes. Anything short of violence works. I like to go all orcish grandma on them. Passive aggression is really effective.
Q: I had my leg bitten off by a demonic crocodile. What should I do?
I don’t know, maybe write FAQs for idiot kids.
Q: A devil came around recruiting for the blood war…
I already told you, no!
Q: What if doing the right thing is against the law of the land?
You do the right thing.
Q: But I’m Lawful. If I don’t follow the laws of the land, won’t I fall?
You’re Lawful Good. You can’t just be lawful or just be good, you’re both. And LG means that you don’t follow evil laws.
Q: If I come from an evil country, how can I be lawful without following evil laws?
You don’t have to follow the law of the land to be lawful. Lawful just means you strive toward a consistent ideal. You keep a code–even if it’s not explicitly written out–of who you want to be. If that goes along with your country’s laws, that’s good, but if it means standing against your country’s laws, that’s still consistency. Consistency is what matters.
Q: So if I’m in an evil country, do I have to stand up to their laws?
As a rule, fixing society isn’t really our job. If you see evil right in front of you, you should try to stop it, but trying to bring real change to society is more trouble than it’s worth. It’s not our job to end slavery and stop genocide. Our job is to end cosmic threats. It’s a lot more efficient to focus on threats everyone can agree on. We might have different opinions about if mages should be locked in towers or own slaves, but we can all agree that someone’s gotta cut down the Blight.
I mean, I can’t exactly go home to the Orc lands and “liberate” the women and end male rule–not without getting them to ditch the pantheon, which I don’t think they’d be keen on–but if I see a guy beating a woman, I can at least step in and mess his face up a little.
Editor’s note: This is just one paladin’s opinion and does not represent the views of University of Jjustice. Many paladins get involved in politics and make a difference by fighting for justice, you all must choose your own way to fight evil...just don't join the blood war
Also, it’s called a patriarchy. You’re a scholar now, Hayashi, you could learn a few simple words.
Author’s note: Yeah, this kind of language mumbo jumbo is exactly the waste of time I’m talking about. I can sit here arguing over what to call men beating their wives, which is super helpful, or I can go kill demon squids.
Editor’s note: Since you’re no longer able to kill much of anything, you might consider getting more involved in social justice.
Author’s note: But then how would I provide this helpful FAQ?
Q: Wait, what are you talking about? Why did you bring up slavery?
It’s one of the more common evils. Most empires have some form of slavery. Rome, for instance. And let’s not get started on the drow…
Q: In my culture, slavery is perfectly acceptable. Can I still be a paladin?
What, and be OK with slavery? No.
Q: But it’s my culture!
Yeah, well, your culture’s wrong. It happens.
Q: That’s racist.
Seriously? After asking for a human to write this FAQ, I’m the racist? Look, I get it. I come from an evil culture, too. Let’s face it, most of us do. But things aren’t good just cause they’re culture.
Q: What about cannibalism? My culture’s okay with cannibalism. You said eating meat was never evil.
…I was talking about…I was talking about animal meat…no…no, cannibalism isn’t okay…
Editor’s Note: Technically speaking, cannibalism is only evil if you kill someone for the purpose of eating their flesh. If they were dead anyway, or you killed them for some other reason, and then due to starvation, you ate their flesh, that would be fine. Or if you ate flesh as part of a burial ritual. It’s killing someone for the purpose of eating them that’s evil.
Author’s Note: Which is a reminder, kids, you should check out Bartosz’s philosophy 101 class, where you can discuss all these pedantic meaningless distinctions. Or you could not commit cannibalism, because that’s disgusting.
Q: I stabbed through a curtain, thinking my uncle was behind it, and I accidentally murdered an innocent.
Wait, what? Why did you want to kill your uncle? Never mind, I don’t want to know. There’s probably some creepy incest thing going on. Sorry, I started writing a response before I finished reading the question. Let’s see what it is.
Q: I didn’t fall. What gives?
You committed an evil act, but unknowingly. The paladin code recognizes intent. Accidentally killing an innocent, and other evil acts committed in ignorance, don’t cause you to fall.
Q: They don’t count as evil actions?
No, they do. If you somehow ignorantly committed enough evil acts in ignorance to change your alignment and become LN, you’d still fall. You can’t be a paladin if you’re not LG. I’ve never heard of a case of that happening, though, because you’d have to be really ignorant. And really clumsy.
Q: Wait, so don’t I benefit from staying ignorant? Is knowledge what causes evil? Should I eschew all knowledge from now on?
If that’s how you view being a paladin, then you’re gonna fall.
Q: All right, I don’t fall, but I still feel bad about it. What can I do to avoid it?
Okay, well, uh…instead of stabbing someone through a curtain, maybe, I don’t know, offer a chance to surrender first? Or at least call out, “Who’s there?”
Q: Wait, never mind. I spent like 20 days pondering the consequences of my sins and what to do next, and I fell anyway. So, did I fall because I learned my actions were evil and was able to appreciate the consequences?
No, that’s not really how it works.
Q: What the hell, then? Why did I fall?
Well, paladins are kind of, you know, action oriented. Sitting around for 20 days not taking action when your uncle’s apparently evil or something doesn’t really…work.
Q: Maybe I should consider what class I should be, then. This will require much reflection.
Yeah, okay, kid. You, uh…you do that.
Q: Okay, I’m good at the fighting stuff and the dying stuff, but I’m not sure about the social aspect of being a paladin. How should I treat the fairer sex?
Uh. Just treat them…like people?
Q: What about chivalry?
We don’t have that, uh, code. And some of us are women.
Q: Oh, that’s a good point! How should I treat paladin women? Should they be treated the same way I should treat other women, or…?
Seriously, treat them the same way you treat men. Supposedly any kind of treating the sexes differently counts as a minor evil act and can change your alignment, or something. So my colleagues tell me, anyway. Also, it’s super annoying.
Q: What do you mean?
Well, you know, if women are your fellow adventurers, they don’t usually want you opening dungeon doors for them and stuff. Especially if she’s the party rogue and you didn’t give her time to check for traps.
Q: So, treat them exactly the same?
Yep.
Q: Wait, am I allowed to attack women?
No. Even if a woman is evil, and is attacking you, and you will die unless you defend yourself, you can’t attack her. You will always fall if you attack women.......
Q: Can I kill people for committing Chaotic Acts the way you can for Evil Acts?
No. First off, when it comes to stopping an evil act, killing should be a last resort. You talk first, plead second, wheedle third, bargain fourth, subdue last, it's like the five stages of grief. If nothing else works, then you kill.
We all know we're talking evil acts that could cause serious bodily harm, right? You never go past the bargaining stage for, like, slurs.
Personally, I stick to slaughtering damned. Hairy moral conflicts aren't really my gig. If it's mortals, I only get involved if we're talking death or child trafficking.
So why do we try to stop evil acts when we see them? By definition, all evil acts hurt someone. (Again, though, we're focused on the bodily harm here, not the psychological.) Why don't we try to stop every chaotic act we see? Only some chaotic acts hurt people. (Being annoying doesn't count. And no, being annoying doesn't count as psychological harm either, I see you raising your hand, Fauna.)
Law and chaos are methods. Paladins use the method of law because, frankly, it's more efficient. We get **** done. And based on these questions it's clear you people need some rules. But it's a method, not a goal. Our goal is to help people (or stop them being hurt). Those twee CG Robin Hood types have the same goal, they also want to help people. It's just, well, our way is better.
So, as to your first question--what should you do if you see a CG person committing a chaotic act? Ask yourself if it's hurting anyone. Pretty much any CG person committing a chaotic act that would seriously hurt other people can be convinced to stop doing that without violence. It's part of the whole "good aligned" thing.
And if it's not? Don't kill them. Just lecture them. Cause they're wrong.
Chaotic people hate lectures.
Q: What kind of mount do you recommend?
Well, of course, all mounts are great and I’m sure you’ll succeed no matter what you choose. But dire parrots are the best! You can teach them to curse, and then you can really intimidate enemies by swooping toward them on a brightly colored steed shrieking “Screw you and your mother! Bacaw!”
Q: Are you trolling?
No. My dire parrot is the best mount. Can your mount talk? I didn’t think so.
Q: Wait, so you have a parrot…you’re missing your legs…and a hand…are you a pirate?!
Yeah, we’re done here.