Bad Fantasy Jokes

[Darth_Versity]

In our game I'm playing a warforged with a 4 in wisdom. He is currently trying to understand comedy and attempting to make up jokes to increase party moral, but is obviously failing due to his misunderstanding of what comedy truly is.

My latest joke was "Why did the Bugbear cross the street?
Because he couldn't bare the bugs on that side.", but now I'm starting to run out.

So now I need more really bad jokes that fit in a typical fantasy setting to make everyone groan in disgust. So please give me your best (worst) fantasy jokes.

[A_S]

"Knock, Knock"

"Who's there?"

"What? No, I just needed to open this set of locked double doors."

"What no I just needed to open this set of double doors who?"

"...I'm sorry, I don't understand."

[Calthropstu]

...

"That fortress looks really tough. Maybe we should practice on a threetress first?"

"If we put make up on that dragon, would it be drag on?"

"So, if he wants to make the world end, what happens if we build a bridge past it?"

"So how is this hide armor if it gives me an armor check penalty to hide?"

"I know how to beat that monster, we just need to hide better than it. It's a HIDE-ra."

"Why are we in this dungeon again? I thought it was already DONE!"

"So I heard there's a place called the lost forest that nobody comes back from. I wonder if there's a reward for finding it."

"If we go to the wizards tower, and I take it over, would it be a warforged tower?"

"What, you want to heal the party?" *break out balloons* "Balloons always helps bring life to the party!"

Use these at your own risk. Your adventuring group will likely have several small throwable objects handy.

[MaxiDuRaritry]

There is a slight chance you'll hate me after this.

The Cheerio joke has severe side effects and should not be told unless the joke teller is able to remain serious and committed throughout the entire joke telling.

This joke can be used in many different occasions, whether you’re at the dinner table with your family who loved you before you told the joke, hanging out with a group of friends, or just shooting the sh*t with anyone and everyone. This joke will get you places…if your audience doesn’t kill you before you finish.

Have I have intrigued you as to what the joke is yet?

An additional warning, or a disclaimer if you will. If you choose to tell this joke to your family, then know that they will still accept you back in the house after you finish telling the joke. If you are telling the joke to some friends and they still remain friends with you afterwards, then you better keep those folks around. If you choose to take a risk and tell this joke to your significant other, then there is a good chance you might be single once the joke is finished.

You have to find the right audience for this joke and after you read it you’ll understand why. You have to hype the joke up. Your audience should know that this is the best joke you’ve heard in a really long time. Heck, you can even create a backstory to it if you want. For example, “Kathy was telling me this joke the other day when we were walking to Starbucks and I almost peed my pants it was so funny. Do you want to hear it?” This joke should be delivered orally. Instantly people are going to be engrossed in the joke you are about to tell. Hook, line, and sinker. Once you’ve got the audience prepared and you have your best joke teller face on you are ready to roll.

Remember, you’ve been warned. Ready?
Once upon time in a land far, far away lived three Cheerio worlds: Perfect Cheerio World, Mediocre Cheerio World, and Non-perfect Cheerio World. Anybody who was anybody wanted to reside in Perfect Cheerio World, but unfortunately only the lucky few got the honor of living in Perfect Cheerio World. In Non-perfect Cheerio World there was a Cheerio named Joe. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was a regular person just like you and me. Day in and day out though he wished for a better world to live in. He believed he deserved the chance to experience Perfect Cheerio World because he worked his Cheerio butt off 24/7.

One night when Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was on his way home from work, a Cheerio Genie visited him. The Cheerio Genie had noticed Non-perfect Cheerio Joe's constant dedication to his job, friends, and family and thought that he deserved a little loving himself. The Cheerio Genie allowed Non-perfect Cheerio Joe to have one wish. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe wished that he could go to Perfect Cheerio World for a day. The Cheerio Genie, being the good cheerio that he is, granted Non-perfect Cheerio Joe his wish.

Come Saturday morning after a long week at the office, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe awoke in a place unfamiliar to him. He knew immediately that he was in Perfect Cheerio World. A Perfect Cheerio soon approached him. Oh how Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was envious of this cheerio. He wasn’t cracked or broken and looked like he had taken a nice dip in Skim Milk. A world with Skim Milk? Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was jealous, that’s for sure. The Perfect Cheerio introduced himself and coincidentally his name was Joe as well. What are the odds?

Perfect Cheerio Joe started to tell Non-perfect Cheerio Joe about all the fun and exciting things that Perfect Cheerio World has to offer. Perfect Cheerio Joe offered to be Non-perfect Cheerio Joe’s tour guide for the day. “First things first,” Perfect Cheerio Joe said, “We must go get some breakfast!”

Perfect Cheerio Joe and Non-perfect Joe walked into a little café and went to the front of the line. The cashier politely told them that they had to wait at the back of the line. “Where’s that?” Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.

"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then you’ll reach the end of the line," said the cashier.

Perfect Cheerio Joe and Non-perfect Cheerio Joe obliged and waited on the long line to get their breakfast. Next, Perfect Cheerio Joe said that Non-perfect Cheerio Joe had to go to the National Cheerio Museum. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe loved museums so he happily agreed. When they arrived at the National Cheerio Museum, they first had to purchase tickets to see some exhibits. They walked up to the ticket booth where they were told to head to back of the line. “Where’s that?” Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.

"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then you’ll reach the end of the line."

Although the line was long, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was ecstatic because he got to see the first Cheerio ever created. Perfect Cheerio Joe then recommended they go see a movie because Non-perfect Cheerio World doesn’t have any movie theaters. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe picked the movie, Unrequited Love for a Honey Nut Cheerio. Even Cheerios love romantic comedies. The movie theater was gorgeous and Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was so happy until they had to buy tickets for the movie and they had to go to the back of the line. “Where’s that?” Non-perfect Cheerio Joe asked.

"Go five blocks down. Take three rights, and two lefts, and then six more rights. Then one more left and then you’ll reach the end of the line."

Once they were in the movie theater, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe knew that he couldn’t have the full movie experience without popcorn. He quickly left the theater during the previews and went to buy some popcorn. He was told to head to the back of the line. These long lines were really starting to bother Non-perfect Cheerio Joe, but he knew he was only here for a day so he had to experience it all. “Where’s the back of the line?” Nonperfect Cheerio Joe asked.

"It wraps around the theater, so head south on Strawberry Street. Then make two rights. Next walk two blocks down and make a left onto Grain Road, then you’ll be at the end of the line."

Non-perfect Cheerio Joe hoped the popcorn would be worth it. Just as he sat down in his seat with his popcorn the movie was beginning. I know what luck! Damn previews. After the movie was finished, Perfect Cheerio Joe recommended going to a party so that Non-perfect Cheerio Joe could meet a bunch of Perfect Cheerios. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe loved all Cheerios so he was pumped! When they arrived outside of the party they had to wait in line to enter. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was getting a wee bit frustrated when he asked where the end of the line was.

"Walk 1.37 miles. Then when you get to the fork in the road take a right. Then you need to make one right, one left, one right, and one left. After that you’ll be at the end of the line."

Although Non-perfect Cheerio Joe was exhausted by the time they got into the party he was still ready to dance the night away. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe and Perfect Cheerio Joe headed straight to the dance floor and boogied all night. Two hours in, Non-perfect Cheerio Joe got thirsty. Perfect Cheerio Joe mentioned that the punch at this place was the bomb dot com. Non-perfect Cheerio Joe decided that without punch he would probably pass out. After waiting all day on so many lines Non-perfect Cheerio Joe knew what to expect. He walked up to the Cheerio serving the punch and said, “Where’s the punch line?”

The server looked at him confused. “There is no punch line.”

[Doc_Maynot]

There is a slight chance you'll hate me after this.


I loved it. 11/10, would read again.

[digiman619]

I have a small one:

Why did the ghost take a level of Psion?
So he could manifest.

[weckar]

Caltropsu, those puns of yours... they really stick.

Also, you must have a really interesting accent for that Dungeon one to work...

[Swaoeaeieu]

These are all gold (http://imgur.com/gallery/sauL2)

[Calthropstu]

These are all gold (http://imgur.com/gallery/sauL2)

Yes, yes they are. Stealing a couple of them.


Caltropsu, those puns of yours... they really stick.

Also, you must have a really interesting accent for that Dungeon one to work...

Eh? Done-Gin is how I pronounce it, never heard it pronounced differently, and I have lived in 8 different states.

[weckar]

I've only ever heard it pronounced dun-jun, both 'u's as in the word bun.

[Segev]

First off, the cheerio joke deserves a standing slow-clap.

Now, for jokes a Wis 4 Warforged could tell to illustrate he doesn't understand humor...

"Would you like to hear a joke?" Upon an affirmative answer, he shoves a pie in the guy's face.

Sing a well-known song, but get the last note of each phrase deliberately wrong. He heard that jokes are about subversions of expectations. (Incidentally, there are "musical jokes" which are songs deliberately written to evoke this.)

"Your mother is so fat that she is considered a calipigynous beauty in classic art."

In response to something completely innocuous and which could not be misconstrued as sexual in any way, "That's what she said." When they look at him oddly, he explains that it's the same thing that he heard the innkeeper's wife saying that morning, and that pointing out when somebody quotes a woman is funny, according to his research.


And always, ALWAYS explain the joke. The more confused the audience is, or the more they think it's terrible, the more detailed and insistent the explanation should get, with comparisons to other jokes he'd heard other people deliver successfully.

[SimonMoon6]

What sound did the Lawful Good aberration make when it fell off a cliff?

Flumph!

[Name1]

When he sees a Beloved of Valarian crying over her dead unicorn companion, he should walk over there and give it a kick. The moment she demands what the hell he was thinking and who he thinks he is, he should calmy tell her that he just wanted to confirm that there really is no use in beating a dead horse.

At a tavern, let him dramatically reveal that he sucks at black jack. If they ask him why, he tells them it's the same reason why he's bad with girls: He tires to go for 21 but always hits at 14.

[Segev]

And, of course, the GITP forums-approved bad fantasy joke incarnate: Monks!

[Scorponok]

Why is everyone scared of beholders? I hold bees all the time.

[mistermysterio]

How many feats does a battle-hardened(level xx) warforged have? 2, just like all of the other humanoids.

*comes up to group with berries and leaves covering his body*
*group asks what the heck he is doing*
"Why, obviously it's because I wore forage"

[CharonsHelper]

Q: What is a stone golem's favorite kind of music?

Rock!

Q: What is an iron golem's favorite kind of music?

Heavy Metal!

Q: What is a flesh golem's favorite kind of music?

He likes rock music too. What were you thinking? Racist!

Q: What did the beholder say to the baby goat?

Here's looking at you kid.

Q: How many goblins does it take to light a lantern using matches?

You let them have matches!? Aarrhhhh - we're all going to burn! (admittedly - more for Pathfinder style goblins)

Q: Why do door to door salesmen like vampires so much?

Because they're all suckers.

Q: Why does it seem that there are red half-dragons of every other species?

Because red dragons are so hot.

[gorfnab]

Why did the fey cross the road?

To get to the other sidhe

[Ferronach]

Might I suggest watching the Star Trek Next Generation episode where Mr. Data tries to learn comedy? Outrageous Okona (if I recall correctly).
May provide some inspiration.

Also: laugh at awkward moments and then when they look at you weird smile and say that ____ made a good joke

What did the one kobold say to the other Kobold?
what?
How should I know? I don't speak draconic.

make a funny at your expense and then say "man am I construct-ive to this party" or give "construct-ive" criticism because you are a construct (get it?)

why did the construct cross the street? - because it was instructed to.

how many constructs does it take to change a burnt out torch?
how many?
it depends.
what?
well not all constructs have hands, and some can't reach up, and some can't see, and some can't....

[Gnome de plume]

Not my joke but...

Let him have an imaginary gnome character named Anne.

Then the party can go where Gnome Anne has gone before, Gnome Anne can kill the invincible whatever etc etc etc.

Blatantly stolen from XKCD.com

[elonin]

I'm enjoying this thread. Just in case this is for fodder for the wisdom 4 warforged I think just play off of his/her inability to get things or just not make the connections that people make all the time. Or comedy out of not understanding fleshies.

[Bohandas]

Q.) Why did the zombie cross the road?
A.) Braaaaaains!

[Extra Anchovies]

What did the one kobold say to the other Kobold?
what?
How should I know? I don't speak draconic.

why did the construct cross the street? - because it was instructed to.

These are both very good. I think they definitely fit the concept of someone trying and failing to grasp comedy, especially the latter of the two; it fits the dictionary definition of a pun, but it isn't funny.

[Ferronach]

These are both very good. I think they definitely fit the concept of someone trying and failing to grasp comedy, especially the latter of the two; it fits the dictionary definition of a pun, but it isn't funny.

Why thank-you.

[MaxiDuRaritry]

'Two dwarves walk into a bar. The first dwarf turns to the bartender and asks for dwarven stout. The bartender fetches him his beer and asks the second what kind of drink he would like. The second dwarf says, "I'll have what he's having, laddie." Because they're dwarves, and they're having stout. Eh? Eh? Hey, why is everybody glaring at me? What do you mean, "That's racist"? Geez, you dwarves don't have any senses of humor at all.'

[digiman619]

Two dwarves walk into a bar. The first dwarf turns to the bartender and asks for dwarven stout. The bartender fetches him his beer and asks the second what kind of drink he would like. The second dwarf says, "I'll have what he's having, laddie." Because they're dwarves, and they're having stout. Eh? Eh? Hey, why is everybody glaring at me? What do you mean, "That's racist"? Geez, you dwarves don't have any senses of humor at all.

As a Dwarf, I'm not offended about the "stout" comment. I'm offended you think we all sound like Scots.

[MaxiDuRaritry]

As a Dwarf, I'm not offended about the "stout" comment. I'm offended you think we all sound like Scots."Go back to your haggis, shorty. I'm going to get my belt of dwarvenkind."

*Proceeds to receive a rightful lynching.*

[Xar Zarath]

Hmm...

"Is that a wand in your pocket or do you have a caster level?"

"Is that your staff or are you compensating for something?"

"How many rods of splendor do I have, madam? Why, three but don't let the one on my hip fool you!"

That's all I got so far.

[Inevitability]

Hmm...

"Is that a wand in your pocket or do you have a caster level?"

"Is that your staff or are you compensating for something?"

"How many rods of splendor do I have, madam? Why, three but don't let the one on my hip fool you!"

That's all I got so far.

Seems a bit odd for a sexless automaton to make jokes like these.

[Lord Raziere]

How many elves does it take to light a torch? One. But they don't, because that sets the forest on fire.

How many dwarves does it take to light a torch? One.

How many merfolk does it take to light a torch? One. But they don't, because they all live underwater.

Knock knock
whos there?
There is no door
There is no door who?
Why are you responding to this? There is no door, I tricked you into responding to false knocks that didn't exist.

What do you call a warforged made after the war? Not a warforged.

Hey do you want to hear the punchline? Me too, but unfortunately a line of punches cannot be experienced in an auditory medium.

Why do elves have pointy ears? because the gods made them that way.

Why are they called halflings? Because humans one day found them and named them that because they are half as tall as them.

This is a meta joke. because I'm made of metal.

Why did the adventurer slay the dragon? Because its his job.

This is pun!

And For the last session:
What do you call a villain who was vanquished using the method we did? Dead.

[hewhosaysfish]

You could trying imitating jokes made up by little kids?

Bad Kid Jokes (http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/)

You can see that they've grasped the *structure* of jokes but are still struggling to pin down what "funny" is.

Why is a banana yellow?
Because it doesn't eat.

K​nock knock
Who’s there?
Parent
Parent who?
Exactly: I don’t know.

What do you call a vampire wearing 2 pairs of trousers?
Double-trousers.