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Roughishguy86
2016-10-24, 08:41 AM
Hello playground,

I have just started a new campaign with my group and one of the NPCs I will be using frequently is a retired hero who after retirement opened a tavern/inn. He will be one of the main plot hooks and will be the origin point of a lot of quests for the group.

The problem I am having is I want him to be a very famous hero and I want people to tell a lot of outlandish stories of his deeds. However I'm drawing a blank on cool crazy stories for people to tell so I was hoping you guys could help me with some quick short tales. Funny ones, serious ones, completely outlandish stories that can't possibly be true. Really just hit me with whatever you've got.
Thank you in advance!

JAL_1138
2016-10-24, 08:58 AM
Back in my day, a housecat could kill an apprentice wizard quicker'n you could blink. And "cantrip" was the name of a first-level spell. I tell ya, them was the days. I seen strong men get killed by common swans, I seen green slime swallow adventuring parties whole.

Group a' wanderers came through here a long time ago lookin' fer a hillside with a skull pattern picked out in rocks on it. Only one of 'em ever come back. Dragged in here half-dead, buck-naked, missin' an arm, an' crazy as a loon, talkin' about "the darkness in the statue's mouth."

There was more dragons back in th' old days. More types. Crystal dragons that shone like diamonds in the sun...never figured out what happened to 'em. Guess they got too Neutral to keep carin' enough to keep existin', mebbe. Or they flew off fer Mechanus or Limbo or th' Outlands, I dunno.

Didja ever hear about all that trouble up at...now what the heck was the name of that keep, anyway? I forget. Eh, it doesn't matter. It was up on the borderlands somewhere...

Roughishguy86
2016-10-24, 09:05 AM
I do believe sir that you are my favorite person on this forum.

Aembrosia
2016-10-24, 09:24 AM
Oh that old braggart? You should hear the way he prattles on about made up places. Hah. Carceri? What a bafoon. The one thing about that story that's probably true is he did break out of a prison. I'll bet someone's looking for him too - otherwise why wouldnt someone like that be out here?

kraftcheese
2016-10-24, 09:49 AM
Group a' wanderers came through here a long time ago lookin' fer a hillside with a skull pattern picked out in rocks on it..
So I tells em: "Buddy, ev'ry second hill in the KINGDOM is fixin ta be Skull Peak when it's grown; you'll 'ave ta be more specific!"

Aembrosia
2016-10-24, 09:50 AM
This one time when I was climbing roofs I was climbing a roof and I looked in the window and I saw him and he was talking to an axe and I thought that was weird and then the axe talked back to him and I was like wow that's crazy and then he laughed and then the axe laughed and then I laughed and then I dropped down and ran away because he saw me and he caught me and he told me if I ever told anyone this story that he would find out and he would come get me. oops.

hymer
2016-10-24, 09:56 AM
Wrestled an owlbear to the ground.
Ran into a burning building to save a cat/child/treasure/cheese.
Survived falling from the highest tower in town while battling an X.
Hitched a devil to a plow and did all the county's lands in an afternoon.
Shaves with his favourite unwieldy bladed weapon.
Was asked to marry into royalty/nobility/riches, but turned it down/blew it.
Mistakenly drank a jug of alchemist's fire and burped flames for a week.
Kissing his feet can cure warts/baldness/infertility.

Aembrosia
2016-10-24, 10:52 AM
Chuck norris jokes

JenBurdoo
2016-10-24, 11:13 AM
Mistakenly drank a jug of alchemist's fire and burped flames for a week.

There is an Australian folksong you can reskin and recite for this one, Bluey Brink. Imagine that it is sung by bards of his exploits.


I thought I knew drink, but I musta bin wrong,
The stuff that you gave me was proper and strong,
It set me to coughin', and you know I'm no liar,
But every dang cough set me whiskers afire.

Other possibilities:


"I hear he got his brew recipe off a dragon in the Misty Mountains - he still corresponds with the beast."
"His wife and child were murdered by orcs thirty years back - that's why he became an adventurer."
"See that jade Strategy board in the corner? He learned it from the elves. Win a round against him and he'll spot you a mug of mead."
"I hear that axe over the bar was gifted him by a dwarven king for saving his mine from underwyrms."
"There's dark tales how he won this tavern - don't ask!"
"They say the King drops in for a pint every now and then - and gets it free in exchange for a royal pardon. What was the crime? Good question."

JAL_1138
2016-10-24, 01:21 PM
I do believe sir that you are my favorite person on this forum.

:smallredface: Aw, shucks, thank ye kindly :)

Spamotron
2016-10-24, 01:54 PM
"Ever wonder how he found so many beautiful barmaids way out here?"

"Succubi all of them. Or was that eryines? Never could keep those two straight."

"He won their service in a bet with Asmodeus himself."

JAL_1138
2016-10-24, 03:58 PM
I done seen some real weird stuff in my day. Have I told ye 'bout the crazy time me an' the old gang had up at the Barrier Peaks? Strangest castle I ever seen. All the walls were some kinda metal, an' it was fulla real weird stuff. Crossbows with no strings an' no limbs that shot fire an' lightnin' like wands but wasn't wands, crazy talkin' golems that acted like sailors gone mad, little halflin'-sized plant-men, a treestump with teeth an' tentacles an' a weird growth on top of it what looked fer all th' world just like a white rabbit, an' a frog so big ye couldn't a' got it through the door o' this here tavern, with wavin' tentacles an' walkin' on its hind legs an' with eyeballs stickin' up off its head like a crown. (T' be honest, just between us, I ain't exactly sure that all even happened. We all of us remembered it afterward, same way as each other, we did, but our Ranger had scrounged up some real peculiar mushrooms the day before...)

Vizzerdrix
2016-10-24, 04:15 PM
I done seen some real weird stuff in my day. Have I told ye 'bout the crazy time me an' the old gang had up at the Barrier Peaks? Strangest castle I ever seen. All the walls were some kinda metal, an' it was fulla real weird stuff. Crossbows with no strings an' no limbs that shot fire an' lightnin' like wands but wasn't wands, crazy talkin' golems that acted like sailors gone mad, little halflin'-sized plant-men, a treestump with teeth an' tentacles an' a weird growth on top of it what looked fer all th' world just like a white rabbit, an' a frog so big ye couldn't a' got it through the door o' this here tavern, with wavin' tentacles an' walkin' on its hind legs an' with eyeballs stickin' up off its head like a crown. (T' be honest, just between us, I ain't exactly sure that all even happened. We all of us remembered it afterward, same way as each other, we did, but our Ranger had scrounged up some real peculiar mushrooms the day before...)

Was there ever a 3.x conversion for that one, or was it 3.x?

JAL_1138
2016-10-24, 04:21 PM
Was there ever a 3.x conversion for that one, or was it 3.x?

1E AD&D, written by Gygax. Dunno if there was ever a conversion later on; I didn't play much 3rd edition.

2D8HP
2016-10-24, 10:55 PM
1E AD&D, written by Gygax. Dunno if there was ever a conversion later on; I didn't play much 3rd edition.


Click here (http://www.wizards.com/dnd/files/excerpts/S3_illos.pdf) to download it.

Click here (http://dnd.wizards.com/products/tabletop-games/rpg-products/dungeons-dread) for other cool dungeons.

A piece of the '70's that may fit in your tavern:

Watch out, mister! Here comes the twister! This is Rudy Ray Moore–yeah, I’m the Human Tornado! I chained down thunder and handcuffed lightning! I’m so damn strong it’s sometimes frightening! I grabbed a star traveling a million miles a minute and slowed it down to the state speed limit! Yes, I’m the Human Tornado! Winnin’, grinnin’ and sinnin’! I used an earthquake to mix MY milkshake! I eat an avalanche when I want ice cream! I punched a hurricane and made it a breeze! I swallowed an iceberg and didn’t freeze! The Human Tornado! Flingin’ cash and talkin’ trash! Delayed, relayed, mislaid AND parleyed! Jumped, stumped, bumped AND mugwumped! THE HUMAN TORNADO

Cluedrew
2016-10-25, 05:58 PM
"You know they say he never locks the back door, but the place has never been robbed. The thieves know better."

"You know the old graveyard to the south? It's not old. Every person it died one day 14 year ago. The battle of West Wind Pass, when some upstart dark lord tried to invade. The tavern keeper and the now Duchess of Elfridge were the only defenders. It took a week to bury all the bodies. The duchess? Granted her title soon after for her role. He turned a title down, or some say he took it as a favour and later called it in and several others for something. No one knows what it was for though and he never says."

TheFamilarRaven
2016-10-25, 06:24 PM
Embellish these as you wish...

"'Ave ye seen th' dragon flyin' 'round these parts? They say it's been followin' 'im ere since 'e saved it from a horde o' gnolls..."

"'E's got friends o'er in th' capitol. Wizards, must be. Why else d'ye think 'e never runs outta ale? The barrels are magic I tell ye!"

"The orcs made him their war chief after he single-handedly bested each and everyone of the clans' leaders with nothing but a farmer's sickle..."

" 'Ave ye seen th' ring on 'is left hand? He's married to a angel, waitin' for 'im in Celestia."

Tiktik Ironclaw
2016-10-27, 09:26 PM
Let's see...There was the time he took me on one of his "huntin'" trips. Turns out, he was huntin' fer a tarrasque. Only one, ye say? Well, sure, there's only one now. Anyways, he wrested that beastie right to the ground and tore out it's liver. Somethin' about an offerin', he said. So's we jump on his fancy flyin' carpet and the next thing I sees, we land in a fort of hobbos! The orangeskins, they called him a brother of the tribe, and thanked him for doing away with the tentacle-men or whatever, and then he hands their leader the liver and some Gouda cheese, and they all start cheerin' and roarin' an carryin' on.
The warlord says it's off to war boys, and hundreds of 'em go out in shiny armor with pointy spears. So I finds out then that he knew about some secret attack from some dreadful lich and his army o' skellies, and next thing I know, he's got us on the back of a honkin' red dragon! It starts talkin' about all the things they done forever ago, and I puked my guts out once we was in the sky.
There was a big mess of a battle just a mile down the road, and the lich was slain, all in time for him to fall into the laps of some curvy dark elf girls. But there was one thing I just couldn't figure out. I asked him why he brought me along, and he tells me somethin' about needin' ta "syphon" out somebody's smarts to make his powers work. Who am I? I was an archmage, 'fore he done that! Quit laughin'!

JAL_1138
2016-10-27, 09:44 PM
He's a wizard! He turned me into a newt! ...I got better.

He once cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with nothing but a kippered herring.

He trained a bunch of swallows to fly all the way to a tropical climate and bring back coconuts. That's how he gets the ones he serves the rum in.

The tavern is built on what used to be a swamp. We all told him he was daft to build a tavern in a swamp, but he did it anyway. It sank into the swamp. So he built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So he built a third one—that burned down, fell over, and then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. Persistent as hell, he is.

TheFamilarRaven
2016-10-28, 03:31 AM
"Yknow his daughter? I hear she's got HUGE ... tracts o' land...."

Cluedrew
2016-10-28, 01:26 PM
" 'Ave ye seen th' ring on 'is left hand? He's married to a angel, waitin' for 'im in Celestia."This one is my favourite. First of it isn't one of your traditional adventure accomplishments, secondly it just implies so much about this guy and the things he has done while giving so few details.

falcon1
2016-10-28, 04:59 PM
They say he's the only human to have ever been give a mug of Dwarfking's Ale, and that he was named Elf-friend by Queen Landolir of Meska after he slew the dragon of Axmire. Only he didn't slay it, but beat in a game of breath with the price of servitude. That little drake in the corner? It shapeshifted into that.

Hawkstar
2016-10-28, 11:52 PM
Some say he was once an agent of the emperor. Hung out with some other questionable folks too, each one a story themeselves. Anyway - this was way before he was famous. There had been rumors of corruption in the church in that city - it didn't play well with the authorities. But damn, did they root out not only a necromantic cult, but also traitors at the university, a demonic cult in a warehouse at the docks, outed a vampire, and killed the two biggest crimelords! All in less than a week!

Later, he was out wanderin' some barely-settled wilderness with a similar gang of questionables - that area was ruled by raiders and bandits and caught in the crossfire between four nations in a cold war. My mother was from a local village there - a mystic. The raiders sent an envoy, demanding the villagers hand over all adepts and bunch of other folks to be slaves. This guy and his friends arrived behind that envoy, killed them all, then set out to get a tribe of rovers to come help defend our town! Don't know quite about what happened with that week, but they arrived back in time to save that town from a counterattack - mostly. But, the raiders nabbed my mother in the exchange, dragged her all the way back to their king's fortress. He and his gang took them all on in a head-on frontal assault - lead by a cart being chased by a stampede of the local savage beasts! They damn near killed every raider in that place, killed their king, rescued my mom, then went off to blow up the secret base of the wizard pulling the bandit king's strings!

Afterward - once he and his gang were a bit more famous, a small city of gnomes called them to the underdark. They helped out with all sorts of problems there - between the Orcs, Drow, and enraged elemental spirits, and Purple Worms, that place should have been wiped out. But him? He and his friends showed up, killed all the orcs, drove the wurms away and exterminated their spawn, quelled those spirits, and... y'know the massive, bloody shakeup in the power of Menzoberranzzan those years back? That was caused by him and his friends 'cause those drow were trying to bully the gnomes. They went in, made it clear they didn't give any damn about the ****ed-up web of politics in the city, just the welfare of those gnomes, and dropped half a goddamn cavern on the city's ruling elite to prove his point.

Oh... and see that little device on his hip? Don't piss him off. That thing can fry even the toughest beast or hero inside-out in a moment. Or, just leave them out cold. Says he got it from some ruins that fell out of the sky over the Barrier Peaks.

Jay R
2016-10-29, 09:29 AM
Yep, I remember when he first showed up here. Almost a child he seemed, fresh off the farm. No reputation, nothin'. He walks into a tavern and announces he could do anything anybody else could do.

One old adventurer looks him up and down, grins a little at the rest of us, and says, “Son, when I was your age, I could down three bottles of ale, wrestle a owlbear barehanded and make love to a barmaid all in one night."

So he downs three bottles in three gulps, leaves his sword and daggers on the table, and announces that he's going out to find hisself an owlbear. We figures that was the last we’ll ever hear of him, and start tellin' jokes about the kid. But a couple of hours later we hear noises comin’ from out in the forest – weird noises. A loud mix of squawks and growls, growing louder and louder, with the occasional grunt from the young man himself. It lasts over two hours, until we hear the loudest noise of all – a long freakish combination of a squawk, a growl, and a scream. Then there's silence.

A little bit later he stumbles back into the tavern, and I’ve never seen a man in worse shape. His clothes are in tatters and covered in blood. He's got bruises and clawmarks all over his body. He was limpin’ and one arm hung nearly lifeless at his side. He just stands there for a bit, glarin’ around at the rest of us, and finally speaks.

"All right," he bellows, "now where's that barmaid I'm supposed to wrestle?"

King539
2016-10-29, 03:06 PM
This guy's more badass than Kvothe.

JAL_1138
2016-10-29, 09:23 PM
Ever hear of the Definitively-Located and Precisely-Mapped Cavern of Tsocjanth? It used to be "the Lost Cavern of Tsocjanth," 'till he got through with it.

I hear some of the wine isn't even from this world. You know those weird strangers that come through every now and again, wearing bright clothes, traveling in those ramshackle wagons, the ones with the funny accents? Yeah, supposedly they can cross dimensions through their strange magics, and he hired them to deliver shipments of wine from another plane altogether whenever they pass through this one. I mean...yeah, I know it's ridiculous, probably just a silly rumor...but I've never seen the "Wizard of Wines" winery on any map.

TheFamilarRaven
2016-10-30, 02:34 AM
"Ye heard about the Tomb o' Horrors? Well the Tomb is horrified of him!"

Bohandas
2016-11-01, 01:29 AM
An old standard: Saved himself from drowning by pulling himself out of the water by his own bootstraps

Bohandas
2016-11-01, 01:31 AM
Is the barkeep human or is he a dwarf or elf or something. If the latter perhaps he used to hang out with members of the Circle of Eight (or even the Company of Seven) back in the day.

EDIT:
More old standards from various folklore:

Caught a tornado and rode it like a horse

Shot two bullseyes on a target in a row in exactly the same place so the second arrow split the first in two

Beat the devil in a fiddle and/or heavy metal contest

Cleaned the world's dirtiest stable in one day by redirecting a river into it

Caught Death in a sack

EDIT:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB0RQViIkNQ

Cluedrew
2016-11-01, 07:53 AM
To Bohandas: Those make me want to pull out the appropriate rule book and find some stunts like that which are possible by RAW. Of course depending on the system that could be tricky.

Bohandas
2016-11-01, 08:05 PM
*stole various items from the gods

*rowed a boat up a waterfall

EDIT:

*Cut a white dragon clean in half

*Fought a giant monstrous bull barehanded

AnBe
2016-11-01, 11:26 PM
The tavernkeeper's last name is Neeson, and he is well-known for having a very particular set of skills.

Efrate
2016-11-02, 01:46 AM
I read Neeson as Nee-san and was confused and intrigued for a moment.

"e's mad as a hatter 'e is. Heard tell one time, he climbed Wee Jas's tower and wrestled a god blooded gargoyle all the way down to the groun' from hunnit stories up! But thats not the half of it! He got up and fist fought the fiend to boot! For a whole day and a night they went at it, until the goddess came down and told 'im to stop. 'E wasn't having it and told her let em finish. Even her gargoyle wanted to keep going. I don' know bout you, but no lady, let alone a goddess, likes being talked to that way so she banished them both to some god forsaken plane filled with nothing but nasties. They fought for weeks, against each other, against the horrid denziens of the plane, against fate itself!

Finally they attracted the queen of the Medusae and she turned his gargoyle pal into stone! Folks say 'e courted her, never looking away and melted her stony heart, to save his friend; even married her for a bit. On their 5th anniversary he left and she wept endless tears which turned into diamonds. Any one of those tears could remove any curse, but only for a night, and he gathered them all saying he would never forget her.

You see that statue out front? On the night of the dark moon he takes one of them tears and puts it in its mouth, and they fight the night away. Come morning the statue turns back, but right before they share a pint. Don't believe me? Well why else there a bloody big stone chair that he lets no one sit in? Also, how else that statue always changes once a month? Tell me that sonny. Or maybe those claw marks in the floor which periodicly appear are just faulty stone? Or how every day after the new moon his hands and face bloody as can be next morning but he has the biggest smile. Pay attention for long enough you notice some patterns boy. I've been in this tavern 30 years, from the first day. Somethings always happening, but certain things happen all regular like.

Kane0
2016-11-03, 06:40 PM
Some say on one adventure he came into a room that held nothing but an orc and a pie. They say he left with the pie, but nobody knows what happened to the orc.

Some say on one adventure he teamed up with a wizard younger than he was and a halfling that wore shoes. Nobody knows how he survived.

Some say on one adventure he found a belt that changes the gender of whoever wears it. Nobody knows which barwench is actually one of his old party members.

Some say on one adventure he won a bet with a beardless dwarf for the axe that now hangs above the bar.

Some say on one adventure he assumed the guise of a half-elf diplomat in order to infiltrate a far off empire, and that he still takes on that persona when he's feeling nostalgic.

JAL_1138
2016-11-03, 08:14 PM
Fer customers he either likes or hates, I ain't sure which, 'e sells some kinda liquor called "Scumble" wot 'e says is made o' apples. Well, mostly apples. Says 'e gets it from a witch wot owes 'im a favor, an' I believes 'im. A thimbleful can knock out a dwarf. Whatever you do, guv, don't let it touch metal.

neriractor
2016-11-04, 12:37 AM
Some say on one adventure he teamed up with a wizard younger than he was and a halfling that wore shoes. Nobody knows how he survived.

this is priceless :smallbiggrin:

Kane0
2016-11-04, 01:36 AM
Really all you'd have to do is adapt the Stig myth into a form that works for a barkeep, then throw one or two out every time he is encountered.

Bohandas
2016-11-04, 09:38 AM
He had a disease but he cured it with his mind

Bohandas
2016-11-04, 09:43 AM
Really all you'd have to do is adapt the Stig myth into a form that works for a barkeep, then throw one or two out every time he is encountered.

What is the stig myth?

JAL_1138
2016-11-04, 10:03 AM
What is the stig myth?

The Stig is Top Gear's "tame racing-driver." He never rarely speaks, and his role is mainly to set lap-times for raing segments. His true identity is unknown (in-show and to some extent IRL, since whenever a Stig has been revealed, he's been quickly replaced) and there are a series of Chuck-Norris-like "facts" about him that get referenced on the show during his introductions.

Spore
2016-11-06, 01:06 AM
Chuck norris jokes

We promoted our 'keep to 'Fantasy Chuck Norris' after learning he was an active agent for our guild (think Harpers). He introduced his duties to us with:"Honestly who is JUST A BARKEEP?"

Maybe give him a ridiculous past as a master wizard, general or similar. Just think about what he could have done OTHER than being a barkeep in the last 70 years. You usually don't do that for 60 years straight.

DuctTapeKatar
2016-11-06, 04:31 PM
"He has a pet goose."

"He killed a man with his thumb."

"He once cut his own head off with a saw. Sliced it clean off, there was blood everywhere- thousands of witnesses! Got back up the next day to tend the tavern."

"He never blinks."

"There was a red mirror in a King's castle which he used to communicate with the strongest warrior alive. This man was once called through his red mirror to fight an army that was invading his castle. And the bartender now has two of them."

"He can beat you in a staring contest with his eyes closed."

"That ax behind the bar... Sometimes, it whimpers and blood comes out of it."

"That sword on his hip doesn't have a blade and he has never lost a duel with it."