Relationships:how do you deal with your lovers ex's?

[Klorox]

here's the story: my girlfriend and I have been dating 3 months now, and things are going great. We each have one child of our own, and they get along well.

My issue stems from jealousy.

Background: She's a *lot* more sexually experienced than I am. I never went away to college, she did (and took full advantage). After her ex left her, she went crazy again, after my ex left, I battled depression and stayed home as much as possible.

Anyway, most of the ex's don't bother me. Her ex husband seems like a decent guy, even though he made the mistake and treated her like **** (my gain, right?).

She was part of a group of kids that did Rocky Horror shows years ago. If you're familiar with the movie, it's got a lot of sex involved, and when you're in your late teens/early 20's, people are bound to hook up. I get that. I have a problem with her being friends with all these people still. Most of them are all married with kids now, but she went to a party a few weeks ago, and I was a little upset by the fact there were more guys she's slept with at that party than girls I've slept with in my life, but, in the end, it was ok.

The big issue here, what I need help with, is how to deal with an ex who is still around weekly.

She's a bartender for some extra cash, and this guy who was an on again, off again, kinda/sorta boyfriend type works there too. Sometimes their shifts match up. She wanted it to be a relationship, he just wanted to sleep with her, and, from what I can gather, he got what he wanted. This went on for about five years.

My issue, again, is that he still chats it up with her sometimes, even though he knows about me. He "jokingly" invited her on vacation with him. He wants to be "just friends" with her, even though they were never just friends.

In my mind, this is a justifiable jealousy. Even if I trust her to never mess around with him, I've always said "it's him I don't trust."

I'm not sure what to do about this. The jealousy is killing me, and it will eventually push us apart, and I don't want to lose this girl. She's all I ever wanted in a girl, and I can honestly see us getting married one day (I know it's still early, I'm just saying).

Has anybody ever been in a situation like this before?

[danzibr]

When I was 17 I met a girl, age 16. I had been to 0th base, and she'd been to 2nd. This is nothing compared to your situation, but even to this day, 12 years later (we're married), I still occasionally think of this fact. No jealousy anymore, though I used to be (hey, I was 17).

So... I'm trying to say if you stick it out, the jealousy may pass, but you'll never forget. As for how to overcome the jealousy, I dunno, if you trust her and stick with her, I suspect it'll just fade over time.

[Hiro Protagonest]

You must defeat all seven of them to win her heart.

[Klorox]

You must defeat all seven of them to win her heart.

Thanks. 😜👍

[tomandtish]

In my mind, this is a justifiable jealousy. Even if I trust her to never mess around with him, I've always said "it's him I don't trust."


I hate to say this, but unless you think he's going to assault her against her wishes, it's not really him you don't trust (at least deep down inside). It sounds like you have one of two possible fears...

1) That she'll hook back up him in a stand, but not tell you or

2) She'll hook back up with him and leave you.

In either of those scenarios, even if he actively pursues the goal, it takes two to tango. So if she does do something with him, then she made that choice.

Having said that, I will point out that exes can become friends and stay friends. I dated a girl for 3 years, we broke up, but ended up becoming friends. Her new boyfriend was a little jealous of me at first until I started making sure to include him in things. He and I ended up becoming good friends (lived together ourselves for two years), I was a groomsman in their wedding, and the four of us (my wife included) are all still very close. I'm going to be spending a weekend with them in December and we all get together at New Years.

So if they want to be friends, cool. And all friends have some time alone, but also hang out in a group sometimes. So make sure you get to know this guy (and not just through her stories). Now, if he doesn't want to be friends, you can't force that. And if she doesn't want you to have anything to do with him, then you probably have your answer.

[Klorox]

Thanks tomandtish.

While I appreciate your opinion, and I hope I can get to that point, but I feel I know his intentions.

He's got a huge ego, and was always telling my girl "you'll never get anybody better than me" and things like that.

I hope I'm wrong, and I just need to know how to deal now before I go crazy and ruin this!

[PacMan2247]

There's nothing wrong with feeling your feelings; it's what they're there for. Thinking before acting on those feelings helps, though, and it's good that you're asking for advice and outside input.

Jealousy is a hard thing, and you're well within the realm of reason to be nervous. There's really only one course of action I can see that would keep you in that space: talk to her about it. Make sure you're owning your feelings, using "I" statements and all of that, and make it clear that you're looking for reassurance, not making accusations.

A disparity in sexual history can be intimidating from both sides, but one thing worth remembering: if she's experienced, she knows what she likes, and if you have open communication on that front as well...well, there are rewards to be had, and you don't need me to spell them out for you.

Ultimately, tomandtish is (are?) right on this one- if you can trust her, you're fine. Communicating will help you know where you stand. Good luck.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Personally, I'm a little put-off by your judgement of her past promiscuity.
Have you ever seen Chasing Amy?
Because I think you'll find the theme of jealousy very similar, and I'll spare you the details in saying that the jealousy you feel is your problem. You cannot expect her to change her behavior and life because of your feelings. Her friends have been around in her life longer than you have. If you push the issue, they'll remain around after you.

[lio45]

I hate to say this, but unless you think he's going to assault her against her wishes, it's not really him you don't trust (at least deep down inside).

tomandtish is exactly correct. As long as you know for sure that she is genuinely much happier with you than she could ever hope to be with him, that guy is irrelevant.

Did you discuss that with her? What does she think? And are you absolutely confident you're a much better life partner than that guy could possibly be?

Most of the solutions will come from discussing the matter with her... communication and open-ness are essential relationship ingredients.

[AliceLost]

While I appreciate your opinion, and I hope I can get to that point, but I feel I know his intentions.

He's got a huge ego, and was always telling my girl "you'll never get anybody better than me" and things like that.

But again, unless you're worried about sexual assault, his intentions aren't relevant. Your girlfriend is a bartender, I'm certain that she gets lots of guys hitting on her. You aren't concerned about someone wanting to sleep with her, you're concerned about her reciprocating. Someone can't just "make" someone else sleep with them, without it being assault.

Generally speaking, people tend to sleep with people they like, and sometimes those relationships end badly and they don't remain close, but sometimes they stop sleeping together and remain friends. You don't get to dictate what your girlfriend does with her life, or who her friends are, and you don't get to choose who else is important in her life. If the fact that she is still around people that she has had a thing for in the past is a problem for you, and you feel threatened by it, then you should probably look at why you don't think that she would happy with you. Occasionally having feelings of jealousy is pretty normal, and it usually stems from concern that you're not good enough for your partner, or that they don't like you enough to remain exclusive with you. Maybe think about working on your own sense of confidence and value. Or if it stems from a lack of trust in her, then consider if there's a valid reason for that, or not.

Feel free to talk with her about it (open communication is key to any relationship) and see if she can offer any reassurances, but don't think that it's okay for you to try and control who her friends are, or judge her for having had an active sex life with people she remains friends with. I'm not saying that you are, just reminding you that unless you've been presented with evidence of her cheating on you, jealousy is your problem to solve, not hers. You say you think your jealousy is justifiable, but you haven't suggested that your girlfriend is doing anything wrong. She works with an ex that she remains on good terms with. She goes to parties with multiple previous sexual partners that she remains on good terms with. The two of you may be in a relationship that demands sexual exclusivity (I assume), but she's not a possession you need to safeguard from thieves. Either trust her not to cheat on you, or realize that you don't.

[Cozzer]

I agree with most people here: the problem is not her ex. I mean, he either has a pretty strange sense of humor, or is being a jerkass. But, you know, hitting on a girl in a relationship usually makes one less attractive, not more. As does not being able to take a no for an answer. So, it's not like he's magically going to seduce her by asking enough times.

The actual problem seems to be your insecurities (both about her sexual experience, and about her liking her ex more than you). Which is perfectly normal! We all have insecurities, and ignoring them is just going to make them worse. You're probably going to have to talk with her about it, but always remember that the problem is not her behavior. If you start implying (even if you don't say it out loud, just implying is more than enough) that she shouldn't talk with her ex or go to the parties because these things make you feel jealous, she's going to run away as fast as she can. It's what I would do if my partner tried to make me responsible for their jealousy.

As others have said, ask for reassurance. Meanwhile, it would probably be good for you to work on your confidence. When somebody tries to hit on your partner, your reaction should be "pffft, that loser doesn't know she already has the best partner ever". Jealousy is born from the fact that there's at least a part of you that thinks, instead, "oh god what if she realizes that guy is better than me", and that part of you needs to change its mind. But this is something that's about you, not about your partner or the relationship. And it's something that's going to get better on its own as the relationship goes on.

[Klorox]

Personally, I'm a little put-off by your judgement of her past promiscuity.
Have you ever seen Chasing Amy?
Because I think you'll find the theme of jealousy very similar, and I'll spare you the details in saying that the jealousy you feel is your problem. You cannot expect her to change her behavior and life because of your feelings. Her friends have been around in her life longer than you have. If you push the issue, they'll remain around after you.

I definitely see the parallels. I've even brought up the movie in our conversations. He ultimately pushes the girl away because he's jealous. I know the jealousy is *my* issue. I'm looking for advice on how to get past it here.

But I'm not put off by her past, it's just a very different experience for me.

I've never had a former lover actually stay in my life.

I'm not sure why I added that part, as I'm actually (pretty) ok with it.

It's this guy who, IMHO, is still trying to get with her. He's been in her life longer than I have as well.

I know she loves me. I know she wouldn't cheat on me. I don't know how to get this other guy to back off.

Perhaps I shouldn't even try. Perhaps I should take comfort in the fact that she's my girl, I'm her guy, and others trying to get a slice of the pie are going to come up empty.

[Klorox]

But again, unless you're worried about sexual assault, his intentions aren't relevant. Your girlfriend is a bartender, I'm certain that she gets lots of guys hitting on her. You aren't concerned about someone wanting to sleep with her, you're concerned about her reciprocating. Someone can't just "make" someone else sleep with them, without it being assault.

Generally speaking, people tend to sleep with people they like, and sometimes those relationships end badly and they don't remain close, but sometimes they stop sleeping together and remain friends. You don't get to dictate what your girlfriend does with her life, or who her friends are, and you don't get to choose who else is important in her life. If the fact that she is still around people that she has had a thing for in the past is a problem for you, and you feel threatened by it, then you should probably look at why you don't think that she would happy with you. Occasionally having feelings of jealousy is pretty normal, and it usually stems from concern that you're not good enough for your partner, or that they don't like you enough to remain exclusive with you. Maybe think about working on your own sense of confidence and value. Or if it stems from a lack of trust in her, then consider if there's a valid reason for that, or not.

Feel free to talk with her about it (open communication is key to any relationship) and see if she can offer any reassurances, but don't think that it's okay for you to try and control who her friends are, or judge her for having had an active sex life with people she remains friends with. I'm not saying that you are, just reminding you that unless you've been presented with evidence of her cheating on you, jealousy is your problem to solve, not hers. You say you think your jealousy is justifiable, but you haven't suggested that your girlfriend is doing anything wrong. She works with an ex that she remains on good terms with. She goes to parties with multiple previous sexual partners that she remains on good terms with. The two of you may be in a relationship that demands sexual exclusivity (I assume), but she's not a possession you need to safeguard from thieves. Either trust her not to cheat on you, or realize that you don't.

She's told me he's never actually forced himself on her. He was more of the "throw around a guilt trip" kind of guy, and she'd submit.

[Klorox]

Thanks a lot everybody. I do feel better with all of your reassurances and confirming my feelings.

The logical side of my brain can figure most of this stuff out, but hearing it from y'all helps me suppress the jealous/irrational side as well.

I really do appreciate it.

[danzibr]

I know she loves me. I know she wouldn't cheat on me. I don't know how to get this other guy to back off.

Perhaps I shouldn't even try. Perhaps I should take comfort in the fact that she's my girl, I'm her guy, and others trying to get a slice of the pie are going to come up empty.
I think this is it!

Not much more to say on the issue... though I maintain that, with time, the jealousy will fade.

[Aedilred]

Ah, the unforseen consequences of the sexual revolution, don't you love 'em.

I think to an extent a degree of jealousy is inevitable where you have monogamously-inclined people in a relationship. And because the human brain is fond of self-sabotage, that jealousy gets projected backwards even though that's neither reasonable nor rational. And while the less experienced partner is more prone to that it can easily go both ways. It's going to be unusual these days to have a relationship which starts in adulthood where both parties haven't had sex with people before. Especially if they have children. Really, it's probably best just not to know any details of your partner's sex life before they met you unless they're directly relevant to the current situation - even if you think you want to. Ultimately, there's not a lot you can do about that other than try to ignore it, I think. Focus on what's happening now rather than what happened or what might have happened in the past. She's with you and that's all that matters right now; if her past liaisons were sufficiently casual that she has no problem being around the people concerned now, then it's not something you need to worry about either.

The one guy who's still around, though, that seems like it actually is more of a problem. And while it seems you have nothing to worry about in terms of her cheating on you, if he is actively pursuing her while she's in a relationship with you then that is disrespectful to both of you. (I disagree with some other posters in this respect). That said, she is still the one who has to deal with it directly and she's the one who really needs to decide what if anything you do about it. Have you had a serious conversation with her about it? Do you know if it bothers her? If so, it may be time to say something or to get her to say something to him to get him to stop. It's still best to leave it to her to handle, though, because it's ultimately her relationship, unless she doesn't feel comfortable doing so and wants you to step in on her behalf. A polite but firm private word with the guy along the lines of "you had your chance, now leave her alone" would not be out of order if he is behaving inappropriately and she has a problem with it.

On the other hand if he is just being friendly and trying to minimise the awkwardness between them while they're at work, there's nothing really wrong with that no matter what their previous relationship. It might cause you to grind your teeth occasionally that he's around but I don't think you have real grounds for jealousy or complaint and if that's all it is then just acknowledge that you're being irrational and do your best not to take it out on anyone else, as with all her other previous partners who are still in her life in some way.

Of course there can be a difference between innocent joking around and actually making a move, which might blur things slightly from your perspective. I have a friend for instance with whom I might harmlessly flirt even in front of her fiancé. But then there is no history there between us, nothing's ever going to happen and I know that neither of them has a problem with it - and if I got the impression that it did bother either of them I'd stop. I would trust your girlfriend in this situation to know the difference and respond appropriately, and while it might be a good idea to talk seriously with her about it (communication in relationships is good!) don't make it a running theme and don't let it get in the way of your relationship with her. Talk to her: if it's a problem, then deal with it; if it's not, get over it. If you've already talked to her about it seriously and it's not a problem then don't bring it up again.

[lio45]

Thanks a lot everybody. I do feel better with all of your reassurances and confirming my feelings.

The logical side of my brain can figure most of this stuff out, but hearing it from y'all helps me suppress the jealous/irrational side as well.

I really do appreciate it.

I've been on the other side of your situation, and in the end it was the girl who managed to "do" something to fix it. I was the ex who was still a friend, and her new bf was very jealous. What she did was to insist that the qualities her and I possessed that he didn't were not important to her, and that she wouldn't be with him if she didn't want to. It eventually sunk in.

That jealousy was based on logical factors, but it involved misreading/assumptions of what the girl thought deep down... and she was the best person to clear that up.

To be able to confidently think "nah, she can't possibly ever leave me for that guy" you have to be sure you know what she thinks. So far all your posts are kind of about you -- are you sure you discussed the subject of your jealously that much with her?

[WarKitty]

From what you're saying, it sounds like this guy was rather manipulative towards her. Are you worried that he might still be able to manipulate or guilt trip her?

Either way, what I'd do is talk to her and (politely!) ask her to draw some clear boundaries with her ex, because it sounds like his behavior is not ok. And she may need some encouragement - us ladies are often taught to be too nice and polite.

Edit: I take the previous paragraph back. The first thing I'd do is find out how she feels about his behavior.

[veti]

Klorox, I've been in your situation. And before I proceed with the main advice, which you're not going to like, I will make the caveat: three months is still a very new relationship. You're still in the learning phase. It may be appropriate to set a marker - actually note it in your diary - six months from now, to review the situation then.

Having said that:
Jealousy is the most brutal, corrosive feeling there is. It's a huge problem, and it's your problem. You can, of course, try persuading her to put the damper on him, but by the sound of it I doubt if she'll do it, and she may well resent you asking. And that way lies a vicious spiral of hurt feelings and passive aggression.

Realistically, you've got two choices:
(1) Learn to trust her and get over it
(2) End the relationship.

It's possible you may have more choices. After all, I don't know you, or her, or him, you may all be quite different from any people I've ever known. But honestly? I doubt it. (Of course there is "carry on as you are", but that's really the same as (2), only dragged out over a period of months.)

[lio45]

Realistically, you've got two choices:
(1) Learn to trust her and get over it
(2) End the relationship.

While this is true, I would nonetheless think it beneficial to insist that 1) "get over it" is not a strictly personal hurdle, but rather involves the significant other to a significant degree (pun not even intended) in the problem and solution.

Even if you're very confident in yourself, there's no guarantee your gf won't eventually leave you for a myriad of valid reasons. To achieve that level of non-jealousy, you have to know for sure that she wouldn't want to replace you with anybody. (In fact, first, that has to be true, and second, you have to know it.)



Tying into this, I'll say that a comment like:


I don't know how to get this other guy to back off.

is completely foreign to me. I've always loved to see other guys hit on my girlfriends. Good for the ego. Come to think of it, it would annoy me to be in a relationship with a girl that isn't attracting males. Is that vain? I prefer to think it's human nature.

Many of us commenters have been in agreement that "this other guy" isn't the problem here. The problem involves only two people, her and you. Replace this other guy by that other guy at some point in the future, and the problem is back...

On the other hand, if you're totally confident she wants to be with you, who cares about these other guys.

[Klorox]

Klorox, I've been in your situation. And before I proceed with the main advice, which you're not going to like, I will make the caveat: three months is still a very new relationship. You're still in the learning phase. It may be appropriate to set a marker - actually note it in your diary - six months from now, to review the situation then.

Having said that:
Jealousy is the most brutal, corrosive feeling there is. It's a huge problem, and it's your problem. You can, of course, try persuading her to put the damper on him, but by the sound of it I doubt if she'll do it, and she may well resent you asking. And that way lies a vicious spiral of hurt feelings and passive aggression.

Realistically, you've got two choices:
(1) Learn to trust her and get over it
(2) End the relationship.

It's possible you may have more choices. After all, I don't know you, or her, or him, you may all be quite different from any people I've ever known. But honestly? I doubt it. (Of course there is "carry on as you are", but that's really the same as (2), only dragged out over a period of months.)

I appreciate your honesty. Thank you.

Here's the deal: I want to get over the jealousy. I don't know how, other than just saying "get over it" to myself.

We both know it's still early in our relationship. Having both been around this block, we both agree that there's something really special here. I am just saying there's something worth fighting for here.

[lio45]

Here's the deal: I want to get over the jealousy. I don't know how, other than just saying "get over it" to myself.

Again: what's her view on this?

I hate to have to point it to you, but it's very conceivable that a guy would have a valid reason to be jealous (i.e. his gf is indeed unhappy and starting to look elsewhere) in which case simply repeating "get over it" to himself would not do any good at all, in the absence of communication.

[Klorox]

Again: what's her view on this?

I hate to have to point it to you, but it's very conceivable that a guy would have a valid reason to be jealous (i.e. his gf is indeed unhappy and starting to look elsewhere) in which case simply repeating "get over it" to himself would not do any good at all, in the absence of communication.

She tells me she understands how I feel. She tells me she gets it. She tells me she would not leave me, that I'm perfect for her. She tells me that he wants to try being friends with her, but the fact is that the two of them have never been "just friends" and that sex was always part of their relationship. I don't know if she wants to be "just friends" with him, or if she's trying to let things play out until he realizes it isn't possible. This would be a good question for me to ask her.

She tells me he's very egotistical, very immature, and he is 10 years younger than her.

Communication has been a strong point between us. I had not thought to ask her what she wants out of a relationship with this guy.

[GolemsVoice]

I disagree with some of the posters claiming it's only your problem, or even a problem just between you and her.

Now, what I agree on is that SHE is not the problem (unless you have cause to think that she has something going on with the other fella), and blaming her for being the "victim" of another guy isn't fair (though I'm not saying you did).

However, some guy constantly, and very much unbidden, budding in on your relationship, is rude, and you are right to be annoyed by that. Should he continue to a degree that your girlfriend finds unbearable, and if (and only if!) she insists she can't handle it, you can act. So yeah, the other guy IS a problem, because from the way you describe him, he's a huge jerk.

Now, given what you wrote in your last post, I think there's really nothing you can do here, and that's actually a good sign. She loves you and understands you, and she trusts you. That's perfect! In this case just let it go. You need to actively try to think positively, ignore the bad thoughts of jealousy that will creep up on you. Maybe you'll never get fully rid of it, just like any human emotion, but with jealousy the risk is very high that you end up causing exactly what you wanted to prevent.

To quote Milton:

"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.."

Don't make your relationship heaven a hell.

[Klorox]

I disagree with some of the posters claiming it's only your problem, or even a problem just between you and her.

Now, what I agree on is that SHE is not the problem (unless you have cause to think that she has something going on with the other fella), and blaming her for being the "victim" of another guy isn't fair (though I'm not saying you did).

However, some guy constantly, and very much unbidden, budding in on your relationship, is rude, and you are right to be annoyed by that. Should he continue to a degree that your girlfriend finds unbearable, and if (and only if!) she insists she can't handle it, you can act. So yeah, the other guy IS a problem, because from the way you describe him, he's a huge jerk.

Now, given what you wrote in your last post, I think there's really nothing you can do here, and that's actually a good sign. She loves you and understands you, and she trusts you. That's perfect! In this case just let it go. You need to actively try to think positively, ignore the bad thoughts of jealousy that will creep up on you. Maybe you'll never get fully rid of it, just like any human emotion, but with jealousy the risk is very high that you end up causing exactly what you wanted to prevent.

To quote Milton:

"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.."

Don't make your relationship heaven a hell.

Thank you very much.

[Klorox]

Feel free to talk with her about it (open communication is key to any relationship) and see if she can offer any reassurances, but don't think that it's okay for you to try and control who her friends are, or judge her for having had an active sex life with people she remains friends with. I'm not saying that you are, just reminding you that unless you've been presented with evidence of her cheating on you, jealousy is your problem to solve, not hers. You say you think your jealousy is justifiable, but you haven't suggested that your girlfriend is doing anything wrong. She works with an ex that she remains on good terms with. She goes to parties with multiple previous sexual partners that she remains on good terms with. The two of you may be in a relationship that demands sexual exclusivity (I assume), but she's not a possession you need to safeguard from thieves. Either trust her not to cheat on you, or realize that you don't.

Thank you.

I say that I trust her, and I honestly feel that I do.

We've both been cheated on in the past. Those wounds don't heal easily. I know that it's unfair of me to project past experiences on her, and we've talked about that.

She's very open with me. We often unwind after work on the couch, and she'll be looking at Facebook on her laptop, showing me things. I couldn't ask for more openness.

I'm getting out of a marriage where I dealt with a lot of psychological (and a little physical) abuse. It's very hard for me to not react certain ways sometimes.

I appreciate the help. Thank you.

[FreddyNoNose]

Either you trust her or you don't. If this is your issue, you need to just stop being that way. If you want a virgin, date one. If you think you can't measure up to other men, you can't. Also, if you think you are better than all the other men, you are not. If you think relationships mean they are permanent, they are not.

IF (<<<THE BIG IF) you have a single bit of thought she has anything going on with that guy take a risk. Tell her you need to go away for a few days and that she needs to take that time to make up her mind that it is you or him. Either she wants you or him. Don't take both for an answer. Don't be so desperate that you will put up with it.

The final option. Don't worry about it. Relationships don't last and if she is going to cheat she will cheat with or without your permission. All you can do if it happens is decide what you do. In fact, you should decide right now how you will deal with that for this and all future relationships so you don't need to stress over it. You only have power over what you can do. You can tell anyone you date that if they cheat it is over. Then you have to stick to your guns.

[Hiro Protagonest]

Either you trust her or you don't. If this is your issue, you need to just stop being that way. If you want a virgin, date one. If you think you can't measure up to other men, you can't. Also, if you think you are better than all the other men, you are not. If you think relationships mean they are permanent, they are not.

IF (<<<THE BIG IF) you have a single bit of thought she has anything going on with that guy take a risk. Tell her you need to go away for a few days and that she needs to take that time to make up her mind that it is you or him. Either she wants you or him. Don't take both for an answer. Don't be so desperate that you will put up with it.

Blind trust is not a good way to get to know a person. You should take time to analyze someone as long as you're in a relationship with them. People are interesting, never stop learning about them. A shadow of a doubt is not a reason to jump ship then and there.

Don't just force an ultimatum and expect it to work out the same as if you spent more time building on it. If all relationships were scrapped the first time a big problem popped up, there wouldn't be long-lived marriages. Or something like 2% the number of successful marriages there are.

And he has said it's a matter of jealousy on his part. Jealousy is an emotion. No matter how much logic facilitates it, the emotion doesn't go away from just introspection, at least I can't. It really takes talking with people about it to help with that.

[FreddyNoNose]

Blind trust is not a good way to get to know a person. You should take time to analyze someone as long as you're in a relationship with them. People are interesting, never stop learning about them. A shadow of a doubt is not a reason to jump ship then and there.

Don't just force an ultimatum and expect it to work out the same as if you spent more time building on it. If all relationships were scrapped the first time a big problem popped up, there wouldn't be long-lived marriages. Or something like 2% the number of successful marriages there are.

And he has said it's a matter of jealousy on his part. Jealousy is an emotion. No matter how much logic facilitates it, the emotion doesn't go away from just introspection, at least I can't. It really takes talking with people about it to help with that.

You understand my post was about his trust issues and not about getting to know the other person. Read it again and again and again so you understand what I wrote. THE BIG IF, is about a last resort for him to deal with the situation. I personally go with the final bit. You have to step up and be man about it. Not saying your post isn't being a man about it as I think we are of different generations and you young guys are pretty sensitive. I am 56 and have a ton of real life experience to back my up.

Have fun kid,'

[AliceLost]

You understand my post was about his trust issues and not about getting to know the other person. Read it again and again and again so you understand what I wrote. THE BIG IF, is about a last resort for him to deal with the situation. I personally go with the final bit. You have to step up and be man about it. Not saying your post isn't being a man about it as I think we are of different generations and you young guys are pretty sensitive. I am 56 and have a ton of real life experience to back my up.

Have fun kid,'
Yeah, your post was about simply choosing not to have trust issues, or ignoring them until they go away. Talking to the other person is actually a good way to accomplish that. As someone who has no interest, or intention, of being a man about things, I favour open communication and building trust as advice, over ultimatums, or simply shrugging and magically not being jealous any more.

[FreddyNoNose]

{Scrubbed}

[Klorox]

She tells me she understands how I feel. She tells me she gets it. She tells me she would not leave me, that I'm perfect for her. She tells me that he wants to try being friends with her, but the fact is that the two of them have never been "just friends" and that sex was always part of their relationship. I don't know if she wants to be "just friends" with him, or if she's trying to let things play out until he realizes it isn't possible. This would be a good question for me to ask her.

She tells me he's very egotistical, very immature, and he is 10 years younger than her.

Communication has been a strong point between us. I had not thought to ask her what she wants out of a relationship with this guy.

Ok guys, update:

I was meditating a lot yesterday, working on relaxation and stuff, and my mind wandered to this subject. While I was already on the way, I've chosen to not let anything that happened before we met bother me. What she did with friends 20 years ago, up to the day we met, has nothing to do with me.

I think to all the Rocky Horror guys, and I think, "heck, if I had the chance for dating friends, and going back to being friends when it didn't work, I would've done it too. How can I possibly hold it against her?"

I think to the guy who works at the same bar as her. I know, on some level that he still wants her. But that is too bad for him. She's my girlfriend now, and she's not going to cheat on me (and if she ever did, that's a poor reflection on her, not me).

My girlfriend and I had a good talk today while doing laundry. I explained to her my feelings. I told her that I'm never going to like this guy, but that shouldn't stop you from being his friend.

She explained to me that he thinks they can just be friends, while she does not. She explained to me that she's friends with the RHPS people because she was friends before they hooked up. With the bar guy, it's always been about sex before anything else.

I asked her (in a totally non-threatening way) why she takes his text messages then, and she told me that she will give the guy a chance, but if he shows another hint of disrespect to her or me, he's going to be cut off. She told me she won't be accepting gifts from him, and won't be going out to dinner with him. I didn't ask her not to, that came without me prompting it. I later thanked her. I told her I trust her, and I wouldn't stop her from going out for lunch or whatever with him, but I told her that it would bother me and that I'm glad she won't be doing it.

Thanks guys and gals.

[GolemsVoice]

Sounds like you found a fine solution and a place of strength! I wish you all the best.

[AliceLost]

Sounds like you're handling it very openly and maturely, well done to you and your girlfriend! The only other thing I'd say is, if your jealousy rears its head again, for a little, go easy on yourself about it. You've very suddenly, and responsibly, moved past a strong emotion, so if you get the occasional flashback to it, don't beat yourself up about it. You've already shown you and she know how to move past it.

[tomandtish]

Ok guys, update:

I was meditating a lot yesterday, working on relaxation and stuff, and my mind wandered to this subject. While I was already on the way, I've chosen to not let anything that happened before we met bother me. What she did with friends 20 years ago, up to the day we met, has nothing to do with me.

I think to all the Rocky Horror guys, and I think, "heck, if I had the chance for dating friends, and going back to being friends when it didn't work, I would've done it too. How can I possibly hold it against her?"

I think to the guy who works at the same bar as her. I know, on some level that he still wants her. But that is too bad for him. She's my girlfriend now, and she's not going to cheat on me (and if she ever did, that's a poor reflection on her, not me).

My girlfriend and I had a good talk today while doing laundry. I explained to her my feelings. I told her that I'm never going to like this guy, but that shouldn't stop you from being his friend.

She explained to me that he thinks they can just be friends, while she does not. She explained to me that she's friends with the RHPS people because she was friends before they hooked up. With the bar guy, it's always been about sex before anything else.

I asked her (in a totally non-threatening way) why she takes his text messages then, and she told me that she will give the guy a chance, but if he shows another hint of disrespect to her or me, he's going to be cut off. She told me she won't be accepting gifts from him, and won't be going out to dinner with him. I didn't ask her not to, that came without me prompting it. I later thanked her. I told her I trust her, and I wouldn't stop her from going out for lunch or whatever with him, but I told her that it would bother me and that I'm glad she won't be doing it.

Thanks guys and gals.


That is a very healthy attitude! :smallsmile:

[jorosemary7]

I try to just ignore them as much as possible. Don't engage into a fight or get angry.
For me personally, talking with your lover how you feel about it, is usual the best tactic.

[Cozzer]

Nice job, Klorox! :smallbiggrin:

[Klorox]

Sounds like you're handling it very openly and maturely, well done to you and your girlfriend! The only other thing I'd say is, if your jealousy rears its head again, for a little, go easy on yourself about it. You've very suddenly, and responsibly, moved past a strong emotion, so if you get the occasional flashback to it, don't beat yourself up about it. You've already shown you and she know how to move past it.Thank you so much. I had a bit of jealousy rear it's ugly head last night (girlfriend accidentally said "we" in reference to their relationship, and it was a slip that I got upset over. Stupid, and considering the years they spent together, understandable. But I did get upset). We talked, but I have been beating myself up.

I'm glad I came back and looked at this thread today. It made me feel better.

Thank you again.

[Knaight]

IF (<<<THE BIG IF) you have a single bit of thought she has anything going on with that guy take a risk. Tell her you need to go away for a few days and that she needs to take that time to make up her mind that it is you or him. Either she wants you or him. Don't take both for an answer. Don't be so desperate that you will put up with it.

So, dramatic declarations and ultimatums based on what can be charitably described as a hunch? This sounds like a great way to get dumped.


Thank you so much. I had a bit of jealousy rear it's ugly head last night (girlfriend accidentally said "we" in reference to their relationship, and it was a slip that I got upset over. Stupid, and considering the years they spent together, understandable. But I did get upset). We talked, but I have been beating myself up.
That's not even a slip up. The relationship was being referenced, "we" is a perfectly applicable pronoun. The jealousy itself is an emotional reaction that you can't control, but you can choose how you respond. Not making a big deal out of use of terms like "we" is a good first step - it just makes you come across as paranoid, which is never a good thing.

[Klorox]

That's not even a slip up. The relationship was being referenced, "we" is a perfectly applicable pronoun. The jealousy itself is an emotional reaction that you can't control, but you can choose how you respond. Not making a big deal out of use of terms like "we" is a good first step - it just makes you come across as paranoid, which is never a good thing.

I didn't give the full story.

Gf and I were at a broadway show. During the intermission, we booked a reservation at a nice place she's always wanted to go to.

They have the same restaurant at a place her and the other guy used to go for weekend getaways.

The restaurant was never open when they'd be able to go.

When considering booking this reservation, she said "I've always wanted to go here. They're always closed when we go away."

I asked her what she meant. She then told me about the restaurant where they'd go on weekend getaways sometimes.


It doesn't matter anyway. As I said, she's with me now. We both believe this is going to last a really long time.

It's funny, with both of us in our 40's, it kind of feels like we've both been through so much, that we kind of just know when things feel right.

[darkrose50]

If it (him hitting on her) bothers you, then tell your girlfriend that it bothers you.

Ask her if she would be willing to tell him to stop. If he does not, than it crosses the line into sexual harassment.

Tell him that you find his sexual language with your girlfriend to be off putting, and that you would appreciate him ceasing with sexual banter with your girlfriend.

For the love of god ANY GUY hitting on your girlfriend when they know that she is your girlfriend is not respectful. Past sexual partner or not, it does not matter. If some guy came up to my girlfriend (now wife) and asked her to have sex with her . . . I would go bat-dookey-crazy. Depending on the specifics I may get violent (if a friend was trying to be funny, or the guy was an idiot drunk it would bother me greatly, but no cracks to the skull with a baseball bat), and I am rather quite non-violent. At a party a grade school friend was drunk and going on about how hot my wife was, she thought it was funny, but it bothered me quite a bit. I was extremely uncomfortable, and do not want to do anything with the guy anymore.

Ask your girlfriend if it would be okay for you or her to talk with this guy and request that he stops the sexual banter, even in a joking way.

Perhaps approach it as if you were concerned for the guy. Tell him that you understand that addiction can be difficult and offer him a pamphlet to sexual addicts anonymous. Heck give sexual addicts anonymous a call, and see what they suggest doing. You could give sexual addicts anonymous his number on an voice mail pretending to be him (that would be a funny prank, and send a message . . . all depending on this guys personality).

[Klorox]

If it (him hitting on her) bothers you, then tell your girlfriend that it bothers you.

Ask her if she would be willing to tell him to stop. If he does not, than it crosses the line into sexual harassment.

Tell him that you find his sexual language with your girlfriend to be off putting, and that you would appreciate him ceasing with sexual banter with your girlfriend.

For the love of god ANY GUY hitting on your girlfriend when they know that she is your girlfriend is not respectful. Past sexual partner or not, it does not matter. If some guy came up to my girlfriend (now wife) and asked her to have sex with her . . . I would go bat-dookey-crazy. Depending on the specifics I may get violent (if a friend was trying to be funny, or the guy was an idiot drunk it would bother me greatly, but no cracks to the skull with a baseball bat), and I am rather quite non-violent. At a party a grade school friend was drunk and going on about how hot my wife was, she thought it was funny, but it bothered me quite a bit. I was extremely uncomfortable, and do not want to do anything with the guy anymore.

Ask your girlfriend if it would be okay for you or her to talk with this guy and request that he stops the sexual banter, even in a joking way.

Perhaps approach it as if you were concerned for the guy. Tell him that you understand that addiction can be difficult and offer him a pamphlet to sexual addicts anonymous. Heck give sexual addicts anonymous a call, and see what they suggest doing. You could give sexual addicts anonymous his number on an voice mail pretending to be him (that would be a funny prank, and send a message . . . all depending on this guys personality).

The addiction thing might actually have some footing.

While she told me he never forced himself on her, he would try guilt trips "I can't believe I bought you dinner and now you won't sleep with me" was an example that comes to mind. I was told he'd mope around if he didn't get any, and then put her down "you'll never do better than me" is something he would say.

I'm just glad she's gotten out of all that, and is now in a healthy relationship with me. We've both battled self-esteem issues in the past.

Whatever. I'm pretty confident I have nothing to worry about, and if he does get out of line, I trust my girlfriend to put him in his place.

Thank you.

[Knaight]

For the love of god ANY GUY hitting on your girlfriend when they know that she is your girlfriend is not respectful. Past sexual partner or not, it does not matter. If some guy came up to my girlfriend (now wife) and asked her to have sex with her . . . I would go bat-dookey-crazy. Depending on the specifics I may get violent (if a friend was trying to be funny, or the guy was an idiot drunk it would bother me greatly, but no cracks to the skull with a baseball bat), and I am rather quite non-violent. At a party a grade school friend was drunk and going on about how hot my wife was, she thought it was funny, but it bothered me quite a bit. I was extremely uncomfortable, and do not want to do anything with the guy anymore.

You can be non-violent or you can consider assault with a weapon a probable response for yourself. Pick one.


While she told me he never forced himself on her, he would try guilt trips "I can't believe I bought you dinner and now you won't sleep with me" was an example that comes to mind.
He sounds like an utter tool, and someone who your girlfriend would be better off without. That's on her though - she's choosing to have this guy in her life, and she's the one who gets to make that choice.

[darkrose50]

You can be non-violent or you can consider assault with a weapon a probable response for yourself. Pick one.

"Rather quite non-violent" is not 100% non-violent. I am aggressive, but have been extremely non-violent my entire life.

Having said that . . . I would imagine that it would be quite hard for me not to to go ballistic on a man who approached my girlfriend / wife for sex. I would be extremely angry.

If my wife was frightened, then I would likely (possibly?) switch to protection mode, and throw myself at the threat. Willing to die to protect someone is an extremely fascinating state of mind to be in. Ones mind simply shuts off. I had this happen once, it was surreal.

If I were to ever go to jail it would be for killing someone who sexually assaulted a family member. I have thought about it, and I would be okay with this outcome.