I Knew It Was Too Good To Be True

[Bartmanhomer]

Hey everyone. About by few weeks ago I post it a thread about that I finally meet a woman in my life. That she give me her name, phone number and email address. So anyway I email her a few times and she didn't reply me back. Did I do something wrong? I mean she's a beautiful woman and she stop replying back my email. I'm not a creep or anything like that. I mean I knew it too good to be true. Can someone tell me what I did wrong? I need your help. :frown:

[Lethologica]

No, no one can tell you what you did wrong (or whether you did anything wrong) just by knowing those things. That said, the most telling thing to me is that your impression of her doesn't seem to extend beyond "beautiful woman". Not many people want to be reduced to those terms.

[Murk]

No, no one can tell you what you did wrong just by knowing those things. That said, the most telling thing to me is that your impression of her doesn't seem to extend beyond "beautiful woman". Not many people want to be reduced to those terms.

I think "beautiful" is secondary here, with "woman" being the most important thing. The rest (being beautiful included) does not really matter, I believe.

Which, yeah, might be a problem. Not sure though.

[Lethologica]

I think "beautiful" is secondary here, with "woman" being the most important thing. The rest (being beautiful included) does not really matter, I believe.

Which, yeah, might be a problem. Not sure though.
I didn't take a position on the relative importance of those terms, and I don't know that it matters. What's important isn't what's there so much as what's missing, i.e. literally any sense of personal connection.

[Prince Zahn]

well, i don't blame you for feeling that way, something similar happened with me a while back when I got a girl's phone number, and she would ignore my messages and calls. And before that a girl who I thought had a crush on me ended up ghosting me. It took me a long time to make my peace with it. If it helps, that kind of thing happening is not necessarily your fault, assuming you weren't being rude or offensive. don't ever think that you don't deserve love, just because you're not in a relationship yet.

If a lady gave you her contact info and then screens you out afterwards, it could be for several reasons,I. e. Life happens so she isn't at a stage in life where she needs our wants to build a relationship (or if she was when you two met, she's not there anymore). It doesn't have to be because you did something wrong, and there doesn't have to be anything wrong with you, per se.

If it didn't work out with you and her, however, your best bet is to take whatever time you need for these feelings to heal, to make your peace with it and then let her go, once you move on, stay optimistic, and hope that the next time you meet a girl, she will be perfect for you, just as you are perfect for her. As my father would say, "to win the lottery, you got to buy the ticket." There's no rush, though, you'll move on when you are ready, of course.

Rejection won't always hurt, though. Especially not if you practice talking with strangers, or women. (even if there's no initial attraction. Sometimes, love can be an acquired feeling, so you never truly know until you give someone a shot.)

*hugs bart*
I hope this helps, you can PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[Murk]

I didn't take a position on the relative importance of those terms, and I don't know that it matters. What's important isn't what's there so much as what's missing, i.e. literally any sense of personal connection.

Oh I fully agreed with you.
Bartmanhomer, from your stories, it seems that you might not really show any interest in the person, rather than the fact that it's a woman, period. I can't be sure, of course, but if you talk to the lady in question as you talk about her, that might come across as disinterested in her personality (and maybe a bit desperate too).

Prince Zahn has some solid words about dealing with rejection, though, which I fully agree with too.

[aberratio ictus]

Could the problem lie with "a few times"?

Does that mean that you e-mailed back and forth, or that you sent four e-mails closely following one another without her responding once?

[Bartmanhomer]

Mate, you need to chill. People can not respond to messages for all sorts of reasons that don't necessarily mean you did anything wrong. Maybe she's got other stuff going on in her life. Maybe she just forgot. Maybe she's decided she's not interested, not because of anything you have or haven't done, but simply because of her own tastes and preferences. If she wants to contact you she will. Accept the situation as it is and move on. I understand that. I understand that people are busy with other priorities in there lives. But for a long time?! Something not right here? :annoyed:

[FreddyNoNose]

Hey everyone. About by few weeks ago I post it a thread about that I finally meet a woman in my life. That she give me her name, phone number and email address. So anyway I email her a few times and she didn't reply me back. Did I do something wrong? I mean she's a beautiful woman and she stop replying back my email. I'm not a creep or anything like that. I mean I knew it too good to be true. Can someone tell me what I did wrong? I need your help. :frown:

Sometimes they will give you contact information end the conversation with you. IE, she wasn't interested and wanted to get away from you.

[Cizak]

I understand that. I understand that people are busy with other priorities in there lives. But for a long time?! Something not right here? :annoyed:

No one owes you their time. You are free to think she's dishonest or was "leading you on". She might have a different viewpoint. Without her coming here and writing in this thread, there is no way anyone here can tell you why she's not replying.

As an aside, I would classify someone turning to a public forum in order to try to dissect why a personal interaction didn't work, as "creepy".

[Bartmanhomer]

No one owes you their time. You are free to think she's dishonest or was "leading you on". She might have a different viewpoint. Without her coming here and writing in this thread, there is no way anyone here can tell you why she's not replying.

As an aside, I would classify someone turning to a public forum in order to try to dissect why a personal interaction didn't work, as "creepy".

I just want a friendly relationship with her that's all. There's nothing creepy about that.

[Some Android]

I understand that. I understand that people are busy with other priorities in there lives. But for a long time?! Something not right here? :annoyed:

Define a long time because people's definition of that can vary greatly.

Also if you live in the US Thanksgiving is right around the corner which is a pretty big holiday in terms of events and travel. That may take priority. And even if you don't she could have family that does and there you go.

[veti]

I just want a friendly relationship with her that's all. There's nothing creepy about that.

I'm afraid, you're not the one who gets to decide whether your own behaviour is creepy.

What do you expect us to tell you? Maybe you shouldn't have ordered the BBQ platter, when she turned up with a "Meat is murder" t-shirt. Maybe, four minutes into your first date, you shouldn't have gone down on one knee and begged her to marry you while trying to sneak a peek up her skirt. Maybe you shouldn't have spent the whole of your time together staring at her cleavage. Maybe you should have used better deodorant and brushed your teeth. Maybe you shouldn't have dissed her group. Maybe you shouldn't have joked about burying your last girlfriend in her own garden. Maybe you shouldn't have talked politics - or maybe you should, after all it's been on a lot of people's minds lately.

We don't know you (except from your own postings here), we know nothing whatever about this other person (except that she's a human female), we know nothing about what you said to her, she said to you, when or where you met her, when or where you proposed to meet her, how often you emailed/called/texted her, how either of you behaved when you met. We know more - much more - about Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford than we do about you two - and I for one am not about to try troubleshooting that relationship, either.

[lio45]

I'm afraid, you're not the one who gets to decide whether your own behaviour is creepy.

What do you expect us to tell you? Maybe you shouldn't have ordered the BBQ platter, when she turned up with a "Meat is murder" t-shirt. Maybe, four minutes into your first date, you shouldn't have gone down on one knee and begged her to marry you while trying to sneak a peek up her skirt. Maybe you shouldn't have spent the whole of your time together staring at her cleavage. Maybe you should have used better deodorant and brushed your teeth. Maybe you shouldn't have dissed her group. Maybe you shouldn't have joked about burying your last girlfriend in her own garden. Maybe you shouldn't have talked politics - or maybe you should, after all it's been on a lot of people's minds lately.

We don't know you (except from your own postings here), we know nothing whatever about this other person (except that she's a human female), we know nothing about what you said to her, she said to you, when or where you met her, when or where you proposed to meet her, how often you emailed/called/texted her, how either of you behaved when you met. We know more - much more - about Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford than we do about you two - and I for one am not about to try troubleshooting that relationship, either.

Exactly. Since she accepted to give you both her phone number and email address, and now doesn't want anything to do with you anymore, the one likely thing we can deduce is that you did something wrong at some point.

And even then, that's not even a guaranteed conclusion, since we don't know the circumstances of her giving you her contact info. Maybe you pestered her until she gave you a fake email address just to get you off her back, in which case the explanation for her lack of reply to your emails would be very straightforward.

So... if you want to get feedback from us, you're going to have to share a lot more info with us.

[lio45]

This might be useful (I'm well aware there isn't that much info in there either, but that's a gold mine of detail compared to what we had so far)...

Thread in question: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?503784-I-Got-Great-News-To-Share-With-Everyone&p=21313982#post21313982

OP of that thread:
Yesterday I went to the library to get on the interenet. By the time I was done with the internet as I about to leave, a beautiful woman ask me to do a favor for her. She want me to asked the librarian to extended her time on the internet. So I did and the librarian extend her time. So I told her and she said thank you. We talk for a little while. And we introduced every other. And guess what the best part she gave me her name, phone number and email address. MY very first one. Finally! I'm so happy that I got the girl information so we could talk each other again! :biggrin:

[Tvtyrant]

As an aside, I would classify someone turning to a public forum in order to try to dissect why a personal interaction didn't work, as "creepy".

Nonsense. If I asked why no one was friends with me, and it turned out I believed in bathing once a week it is hardly to my benefit to try to personally muddle through things. While it is true that everyone is distinct we are still more alike then different, and there are some pretty big and quite general turn offs.

Sending a ton of messages in a row without waiting for a reply to someone you don't know well is one, not bathing, leaning in too close in conversations, touching people during conversations, not wearing socks, farting during a conversation, there are tons of rules that are not as obvious as they seem to be. Especially as the rules of interaction change dramatically based on how close you are to another person, up to and including being able to climb into someone else's bed when they are in it.

[Bartmanhomer]

This was supposed a Support thread. And it's looks like I'm not getting any good support out of some of you. If she wasn't interested of me, she shouldn't have give me the phone number in the first place rather than being a total faker.

[lio45]

You want us to help you figure out something, but we're telling you that we need much more info to be able to help you.

It's not even clear in your OP whether she replied at least once or twice, or if all your emails went into a black hole.

You said "she didn't reply me back" which strongly hints that she never ever replied;
but you also said "and she stop replying back my email" which strongly hints she did reply.

[Cizak]

I just want a friendly relationship with her that's all. There's nothing creepy about that.

That's a very simplistic description of what I assume was actual human contact, which is complicated. Sorry, you don't get to define what I (or others) think is creepy.


Nonsense. If I asked why no one was friends with me, and it turned out I believed in bathing once a week it is hardly to my benefit to try to personally muddle through things. While it is true that everyone is distinct we are still more alike then different, and there are some pretty big and quite general turn offs.

Sending a ton of messages in a row without waiting for a reply to someone you don't know well is one, not bathing, leaning in too close in conversations, touching people during conversations, not wearing socks, farting during a conversation, there are tons of rules that are not as obvious as they seem to be. Especially as the rules of interaction change dramatically based on how close you are to another person, up to and including being able to climb into someone else's bed when they are in it.

Exactly. How you can interact with someone varies dramatically based on how close you are. Personal interaction is very, well, personal. Therefore, if you have to come to a public forum to get strangers to analyze why your personal interactions isn't working, especially ones with people you barely know, I'd call that creepy.


This was supposed a Support thread. And it's looks like I'm not getting any good support out of some of you. If she wasn't interested of me, she shouldn't have give me the phone number in the first place rather than being a total faker.

People who think strangers owe them their time and believe they are entitled to the friendship of anyone whose contact information they get their hands on are the exact same people whose emails I would not want to respond to. So there you go, there's a possible explanation what you're doing wrong, if that's what you wanted from this thread.

[Bartmanhomer]

You want us to help you figure out something, but we're telling you that we need much more info to be able to help you.

It's not even clear in your OP whether she replied at least once or twice, or if all your emails went into a black hole.

You said "she didn't reply me back" which strongly hints that she never ever replied;
but you also said "and she stop replying back my email" which strongly hints she did reply.

She only replied one time in email and phone and that was it.

[Peelee]

She only replied one time in email and phone and that was it.

She lost interest. Happens to everybody. No real way to know why without giving a lot more specific information (which would absolutely be creepy, and you shouldn't do it here. If you feel like you need to, use a close IRL friend for that, and even then, it's almost certain to be speculation and no absolute truth).

It sucks being rejected, but nobody is 100% successful in everything. If she wasn't interested in you, then it's for the best that you aren't together, because there's probably a lot of people who are, and you want to focus on finding those people and not dwelling on the others.

[lio45]

Personal interaction is very, well, personal. Therefore, if you have to come to a public forum to get strangers to analyze why your personal interactions isn't working, especially ones with people you barely know, I'd call that creepy.

Keep in mind that Bartmanhomer is autistic (I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I recall him saying that already.)

It's therefore pretty normal that he will have to resort to others to try to gain insights into typical human interactions.

On the other hand, he has to realize that we need as much info as possible to be able to give useful feedback. That's what I'm working on...

[Bartmanhomer]

Keep in mind that Bartmanhomer is autistic (I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I recall him saying that already.)

It's therefore pretty normal that he will have to resort to others to try to gain insights into typical human interactions.

On the other hand, he has to realize that we need as much info as possible to be able to give useful feedback. That's what I'm working on...

What does my disability have something to do with it?

[lio45]

What does my disability have something to do with it?

Personal interactions likely don't come as naturally to you, hence the importance of getting feedback from a sample of people like us.

(I have enough of a personal connection with autism to kinda know what I'm talking about here; however, you're free to continue to believe that it has absolutely nothing to do with your inability to correctly identify by yourself what went wrong in your burgeoning interpersonal relationship with that girl.)

[Chen]

She only replied one time in email and phone and that was it.

Well then it's possible you said something during those two instances of communication that made it so she didn't want to continue talking to you. Not necessarily even anything bad, but perhaps just something that showed her you weren't someone she was interested in. You may not have actually done anything wrong and it was just that you and her were not compatible in her view. Course it's also possible you DID say something offensive or otherwise "wrong" and she stopped communication because of it. Without knowing the details that's not something we can tell you.

[Anonymouswizard]

This was supposed a Support thread. And it's looks like I'm not getting any good support out of some of you. If she wasn't interested of me, she shouldn't have give me the phone number in the first place rather than being a total faker.

First off, you seem to be jumping to conclusions. I've had problems with people I've met on dating sites sometimes disappearing when I've just managed to develop a decent conversation (probably because they either realised that despite being slightly attractive I'm also a massive nerd, or because I can get a bit weird, or because they just found something they'd rather do1), actually that seems to happen every time, but it doesn't mean that they were faking any of it.

In fact I rarely talk with one of my classmates anymore, because she just doesn't want to, while I can spend hours speaking rubbish with one of my friends in China because we just get along so well. Relationships are chaotic neutral, and cares not about what future you have in mind.

1Like one of the actually attractive guys on these sites.2
2Yes I suck at this sort of humour and like footnotes. I never claimed to not be a weirdo.3
3I have however claimed to be a panda, because I'm fat, don't do much, and have trouble mating.


What does my disability have something to do with it?

Speaking as a fellow high functioning autistic, relationships are hard, as is reading people. I was spent an entire evening completely oblivious to the fact two Korean girls were attracted to me (although me and Asians is a bit of a running gag among my friends), and I have made oh so many blunders in friendships (I'm very lucky that all of my friends are either understanding or couldn't care).

Now, I don't think we autistic people have to rely on others completely for help in social situations, I do fine about 80% of the time, but it does mean that some of us will ask for help or explanations a lot more than neurotypical people might.

[Bartmanhomer]

Well then it's possible you said something during those two instances of communication that made it so she didn't want to continue talking to you. Not necessarily even anything bad, but perhaps just something that showed her you weren't someone she was interested in. You may not have actually done anything wrong and it was just that you and her were not compatible in her view. Course it's also possible you DID say something offensive or otherwise "wrong" and she stopped communication because of it. Without knowing the details that's not something we can tell you. All I said is hello and I wanted to get to know you better. That's it. I don't see it how it turned out on her. That makes no sense at all.

[Chen]

All I said is hello and I wanted to get to know you better. That's it. I don't see it how it turned out on her. That makes no sense at all.

I thought you said she answered by phone. I suppose if you say "Hello" and "I wanted to get to know you better" and then hung up, it could be taken as odd.

Actually even in an email that would be odd. Usually you'd add some more content or something. I mean it's like those "Hi" messages that would get sent on dating sites. They're usually ignored.

Even if that was all you said, it's possible she mis-interpreted "wanted to get to know you better" since that is often a line people use when looking for romantic relationships. Perhaps she was not interested in that and thus stopped talking to you.

Also, as people mentioned it's possible she just gave you her number/email etc because she wanted to get rid of you during the initial encounter.

[Bartmanhomer]

I thought you said she answered by phone. I suppose if you say "Hello" and "I wanted to get to know you better" and then hung up, it could be taken as odd.

Actually even in an email that would be odd. Usually you'd add some more content or something. I mean it's like those "Hi" messages that would get sent on dating sites. They're usually ignored.

Even if that was all you said, it's possible she mis-interpreted "wanted to get to know you better" since that is often a line people use when looking for romantic relationships. Perhaps she was not interested in that and thus stopped talking to you.

Also, as people mentioned it's possible she just gave you her number/email etc because she wanted to get rid of you during the initial encounter.

That's what I said in the email. And she reply back. I said Hello and introduce my name on the phone. Then she asked me if I was going to be at the library this week and I said yes. However she never show up at the library the whole week. :frown:

[Ruslan]

I suggest you do not try to dissect the personal interactions with someone who is (apparently) not interested in you, and doesn't give you any information why. People can be uninterested in other people for a variety of reasons, and the forum won't be able to help you here. It is possible you did something "wrong", but it's also possible you didn't do anything wrong, and she just changed her mind. Or possibly she never really intended a serious connection, and just give you her email as courtesy or as a just-in-case option. We can't know, we can only know one thing for sure - she's not interested now.

It's time to move on.

[Bartmanhomer]

I suggest you do not try to dissect the personal interactions with someone who is (apparently) not interested in you, and doesn't give you any information why. People can be uninterested in other people for a variety of reasons, and the forum won't be able to help you here. It is possible you did something "wrong", but it's also possible you didn't do anything wrong, and she just changed her mind. Or possibly she never really intended a serious connection, and just give you her email as courtesy or as a just-in-case option. We can't know, we can only know one thing for sure - she's not interested now.

It's time to move on.

Gladly! :mad:

[Knaight]

Had you not asked I wouldn't point this out for fear of rudeness, but: You explicitly said that you talked and emailed. While I have no knowledge of your speech style I have seen a reasonable amount of writing and it's clumsy at the best of times. Communication by email is going to actively work against you, and while it can be mitigated it would take putting a great deal of time into learning how to write competently.

[Bartmanhomer]

Had you not asked I wouldn't point this out for fear of rudeness, but: You explicitly said that you talked and emailed. While I have no knowledge of your speech style I have seen a reasonable amount of writing and it's clumsy at the best of times. Communication by email is going to actively work against you, and while it can be mitigated it would take putting a great deal of time into learning how to write competently.

Well I'm sorry. My communication skills isn't that great. :smallfurious:

[Knaight]

Well I'm sorry. My communication skills isn't that great. :smallfurious:

As you said though, they are skills. Skills can be improved through practice, skills can be taught, skills can be studied. Communication in particular is often learned largely intuitively and that does present a complication, but that doesn't mean that there aren't more formal resources. Use them. They'll help in the situation described.

[Bartmanhomer]

As you said though, they are skills. Skills can be improved through practice, skills can be taught, skills can be studied. Communication in particular is often learned largely intuitively and that does present a complication, but that doesn't mean that there aren't more formal resources. Use them. They'll help in the situation described. Ok. I will. :smile:

[Peelee]

As you said though, they are skills. Skills can be improved through practice, skills can be taught, skills can be studied. Communication in particular is often learned largely intuitively and that does present a complication, but that doesn't mean that there aren't more formal resources. Use them. They'll help in the situation described.

For the record, this is some of the best advice I've ever seen on this forum in general, and it applies to so many things that it's always worth remembering.

[Bartmanhomer]

Thanks for all your advice. Even though it was critical.

[ufo]

Thanks for all your advice. Even though it was critical.

I just read through this whole thread and got to this part and it made me feel like humanity is working again.