Any good D&D Jokes?

[TheManicMonocle]

So, I want to change up my signature to a different D&D joke every once in awhile, any suggestions? I prefer "pithy one liners," but I'll also laugh at longer ones, probably won't use them though.

[JNAProductions]

There's an old thread about this. Here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?81563-D-amp-D-Jokes).

[Jay R]

RP diem! (Roleplay the day!)

Carpe DM! (Seize the Dungeon Master!)

[Armok]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Roll for insight.

[Scarlet Knight]

Minotaur: "Yes, my upper half is a mighty bull and my lower half is human."
" Dude, that's such a bad break" replied the centaur.

[Keldrin]

Why do elves have pointy ears?

So they can count to twelve!

[lio45]

That alignment one in your sig has just made me realize it's entirely possible for this one to play out in real life, all you need for it is a nerdy shop employee:

A man brings a red-and-white 1958 Plymouth Fury into a tire shop/garage and asks if they could check its alignment; shop guy takes a look and guesses "Evil".

[TheChelaxian]

Rolls Perform (comedy)

Who gives the best hickeys?
A neck romancer!

How do you measure the radius of an enchanted forest?
Find the centaur!

What do you call a bard with a lot of hit points?
A con artist!

What do you call a dragon after it eats a group of adventurers?
A party pooper!

Those do anything for ya?

[onikataki]

Rolls Perform (comedy)

Who gives the best hickeys?
A neck romancer!

How do you measure the radius of an enchanted forest?
Find the centaur!

What do you call a bard with a lot of hit points?
A con artist!

What do you call a dragon after it eats a group of adventurers?
A party pooper!

Those do anything for ya?
LOL Those are great.

When I first saw the title of this topic,I was going to say My Brother... perhaps the biggest joke playing Dungeons & Dragons. I mean how many people can manage to single handed kill off one of every Gem, Chromatic, and Metallic Dragonsjust by playing as one in Counsel of Wurms?!

[gooddragon1]

Another name for casting defensively?
Focus Pocus.

[onikataki]

I think I may have to borrow some of these for my next game night lol.

[Armok]

A human, a dragonborn, and a halfling walk into a bar.

The dwarf had darkvision.

[JaggedSun]

A human, a dragonborn, and a halfling walk into a bar.

The dwarf had darkvision.

Yep, using this one for sure.

[JaggedSun]

What do you call 1 gnome at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 10 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call EVERY SINGLE GNOME IN THE UNIVERSE at the bottom of the ocean? problem solved.

[Gaurdian_Angel1]

WHy do dragons not eat paladins?
BECAUSE THEY TASTE TOO LAWFUL!!!

[shawnhcorey]

Q: You met a group of spearmen marching down the road. How do you know they are dwarves?

A: They're call chanting:
Pointy end goes out.
Pointy end goes out.
Pointy end goes out.
...

Q: What do you call an elf that can count past 10?

A: Barefooted.

Q: How many halflings does it that to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 2

[Shamash]

What time is it when the heros find your best friend phylactery?

Time to find a new Lich.

[ArgentumRegio]

Why do elves have pointy ears?

WARNING ANSWER IS 'NAUGHTY'.

Satyrs like hand-grips.

[Zyzzyva]

An oldie but a goodie:

Q: How many PCs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: All of them! NEVER SPLIT THE PARTY!

[danzibr]

What do you call a dragon after it eats a group of adventurers?
A party pooper!
While I like a lot of the jokes in this thread, this one's my favorite.

[digiman619]

This one's D&D 3.X/PF focused, but here's one:

Why did the ghost take a level of psion?
So it could manifest.

[Cluedrew]

Good collection, I think I liked the never split the party one best so far. Here is the first one that popped to my mind:

GM: "The Grim Reaper attacks you, you take 6 damage."
P2: "How far are you from death?"
P1: "Melee range."

[Ruslan]

A human, a dragonborn, and a halfling walk into a bar.

The dwarf had darkvision.
No, no, no.

A human and a dragonborn walk into a bar. The halfling walked under it. The dwarf had darkvision.

[shawnhcorey]

The halfling walked under it.

The joke was over his head.

[The Key]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'll have a beer, and a mop."

[Haluesen]

Best thread confirmed :smallbiggrin: Just wanted to say that, (especially TheChelaxian, find the centaur is my fav so far) hopefully I'll return with some actual material myself :smallwink:

[BronzedDrake]

What's the difference between a wizard and a sorcerer?

Class.

[TheChelaxian]

Rolls Perform (comedy)

Why do rogues prefer leather armor?
Because it's made of hide!

Why do barbarians love dealing damage?
Because it's all the rage!

What do you called being tripped by an ochre jelly?
An acid trip!

Ah? AAHH?!?:smallbiggrin:

[golentan]

Did you know that dice used to be called lots? It's true! But when Gygax decided to make them the basis of his system, people started calling it a "Die."

[Simetra Irertne]

Q: How many orcs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: What's a lightbulb?


Q: How many grimlocks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: What's a light?


Q: How many goblins does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Fifty-one. Fifty to make a ramp with their corpses, one to walk up the ramp and change the bulb.

[Asmodean_]

How many humans do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Two to hold the stepladder, one to screw it in, and eight supervisors with clipboards.

How many elves do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
One to use Mage Hand, three to pronounce all the apostrophes in the elvish translation of it.

How many dwarves do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
One to smash the broken one with a pickaxe, and another to screw in the replacement.

How many halflings do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Three in an overcoat.

How many orcs do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
One, and a maid to clean up the blood.

How many drow do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
One to poison the bulb, one to poison the socket, one to poison the stepladder, one to backstab the other three, and a chaotic good one to eschew drow politics and just screw the damn thing in.

[TheManicMonocle]

"Can't I just raise a family in peace?" said the necromancer

[Sermil]

How many high-level wizards do you need to change a lightbulb?

Just one, to hold it while the world revolves around him.

How many paladins does it take to change a lightbulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.


(Yes, stolen from rec.humor.funny's lightbulb joke collection. Google it if you want, but not all the jokes are in good taste or safe for work)

[Capt Spanner]

Minotaur: "Yes, my upper half is a mighty bull and my lower half is human."
" Dude, that's such a bad break" replied the centaur.

I'm sort of imagining a Python-esque sketch:

BOUNCER: You can't come in 'ere. It's mythological creatures only.
PARTY-GOER: I am a mythological creature.
BOUNCER: No you're not. You're clearly only human.
PARTY-GOER: No I'm not. I'm half-centaur, half-minotaur.
BOUNCER: Oh, yeah, where's your bull's head then?
PARTY-GOER: I've not got one. My top half's centaur.
BOUNCER: How about your horse's body?
PARTY-GOER: My bottom half's minotaur.
BOUNCER: Do you, or do you not have any part of your body taken from another creature?
PARTY-GOER: Actually, now you mention it...

Smash-cut to: PARTY-GOER and BOUNCER inside party. PARTY-GOER looks smug and satisfied; BOUNCER has a delirious grin stuck on their face and is hanging off PARTY-GOER's shoulder.



Q: How many halflings does it that to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 2

There's something very pure about this one.

[druid zook]

So a skeleton walks into a bar and asks the barkeep for a beer -- and a mop.

[druid zook]

A centaur walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "Why the long face?"

[hamishspence]

What does an adventurer wear when playing golf?

+4s.

[martixy]

What's the difference between a wizard and a sorcerer?

Class.

My world features a certain animosity between these. This is brilliant.

One of my favourite meta jokes:

What do you call a party of bards in full-plate?
A heavy metal band.

[RadarMonkey1]

A human, a half orc, and an elf walk into a bar. The dwarf walks under it.

[Goodkill]

"Can't I just raise a family in peace?" said the necromancer

this one is my favorite so far lol.

there was a joke on the internet which i'll describe here, perhaps paraphrasing it a little bit. the party is walking along a mountainside path and a gust of wind comes along. all the party members besides the heavily armored dwarf make their reflex saves. the DM asks the dwarf, "what are you going to do?". the dwarf's player says "flap my arms really hard". the DM says, "roll a d20". the player rolls and says, "got a 20". the DM rubs his chin and says "roll again". the player rolls and says "got another 20". then i forget the rest of the joke but basically there's a dwarf hovering in the air. meh. you could probably do a google search for the conclusion if interested.

[Mister Tom]

An adventurer walks into a pub with a guitar on his back, and the landlord says, "Oi! You're bard." #tumbleweed

[golentan]

A wizard walks into a bar, and stumbles over a cat. His legs go out from under him, but rather than crashing to the floor he stays floating 3 feet in the air.

"Wow, how'd you do that?" asks the bartender.

The wizard replies "It's a simple can't trip."

[Mister Tom]

Which road has the most Adventurers on it? Route 6d6. I'll get my coat.

[Malacandra]

A fellow player once handed me the perfect set-up line. It was a new campaign, and he'd rolled up a paladin with unusually low size and weight for a human; while my druid, as usual in 1st Ed, had plenty of money after buying his basic equipment and so shelled out for a war dog. So the paladin, who was of course far too poor to afford a horse, asked "Hey, can I ride on your war dog?". And what could I possibly say but,

"No, I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this"

[TheChelaxian]

Yo momma is so stupid she starved a mind flayer

[FreddyNoNose]

Did you hear the one about the hippie who saw a medusa? He was stoned.

[Kantaki]

A dwarf and a elf travel in the same group.
After watching his companion for a while the dwarf says "You know, you are awfully thin. If someone sees you they will think there's a famine."
The elf Looks back at the dwarf and replies "And when they see you they will think it's your fault."

[Telonius]

To the thread title: Sure, but the funnier ones are Chaotic.


And a truly horrible one. If I ever play a Divine Prankster, I am using this as the killing joke.

A local duke's son was kidnapped, so he put a sign on the tavern door asking for adventurers to audition for the chance to be the team to rescue him. His assistant was a half-orc barbarian; he figured Thunk would be able to take anything a bunch of low-level adventurers could dish out.

The first group that came in was a man, his wife, and two children. The man opened by whipping out a scroll of Time Stop, then casting a half-dozen spells on the rest of his family. The wife took out some sort of staff, and half the tavern erupted in divine fire. The daughter drank a potion, ran up to Thunk and literally stole his pants while jabbing him in several vital areas with a rapier. Finally, the son took out some sort of martial scroll - one of those fancy things that the Warblades are always talking about, yelled out some ridiculous phrase, and knocked Thunk's head twelve feet away.

The duke was flabbergasted. "But I thought you'd never adventured before? How could you be so powerful?"

"It's all in the items," said the man.

"How in the nine hells could you afford it? What class are you, anyway?"

Aristocrats.

[Caribou3]

Rolls Perform (comedy)

Who gives the best hickeys?
A neck romancer!


This made me laugh so hard!