If GRR Martin had written Harry Potter

[pendell]

Reddit link (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5xt8bx/how_different_would_the_harry_potter_series_be_if/?st=IZYED3MW&sh=5bc7a130)

My thoughts:



It would have Lastronge, Voldemort, and Draco Malfoy viewpoint chapters.

Various night-time extracurricular activities lightly brushed over by Rowling would be portrayed in loving detail.

We'd get close, in-depth portrayal of Neville's parents. Once we cared for and identified with them, their subsequent torturing into insanity would take up at least half a book.


Another one on facebook from one Pierce...



For starters, the series wouldn't be finished. This would only partly be due to the originally planned seven-book series (one per year from Age 11 to Age 18) having exploded to become a seventeen- or eighteen-book series; primarily it would be due to Martin's glacial writing pace, which would have produced five volumes so far covering roughly the first two years. In fact, there would be a significant chance that the series would *never* be finished in print, even as the screen version - burdened with meaningful deadlines, but blessed with writers who are actually willing to spend a little time *writing* once in a while - surged ahead to the end of the saga.

And yeah, there'd be a lot more schlock-for-schlock's sake.



ETA: Also, "Voldemort is coming" is a catchphrase for an invisible menace for 90% of the books. He is finally introduced in the nth-1 book, during which he is nearly invincible, and raises an army of death eaters from the fallen wizards of every battle.

:smallamused:

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Aedilred]

While it is of course frustrating, I have increasingly come to view the criticism of Martin's writing pace as unfair. He published the first three books in four years, which is thoroughly respectable. The fourth book then took five years and the sixth book took six. It's been a little under six years since that book, with no release date announced, but the year is yet young.

Compare that to JKR: she turned out the first four books at one-year intervals, but it was then a three-year gap between the fourth and fifth, and finally a two-year gap between the fifth and sixth.

In proportionate terms, he has slowed down only about as much as JKR did after Goblet of Fire. In real terms, of course, this is longer, but they're much larger books with significantly more complicated narratives.

Which is not to say I wouldn't appreciate him cracking on and finishing book seven and preferably book eight while he's at it. But I've done enough writing in my time to know that input is not directly proportional to output when it comes to writing, and that the common assumption he's not finishing these books because he's lazy or distracted is pretty much unfounded. He probably could have been a bit better at sitting down and trying to power through the writer's block at times, but given the way he writes, with draft after draft, I don't know whether that would actually have made that much difference.

Of course, I know the OP was tongue-in-cheek, but that criticism is something I hear a lot and while I along with all his fans do wish he would just finish the damn thing, I know that I don't know enough to make fair judgments about his writing habits or work ethic.

[ArlEammon]

For starters, Draco Malfoy would be castrated by Severus Snape and he would taunt him with sausages. Sirius Black would have his head cut off and replaced with an owl's head, Hermione would be raped by Lucius Malfoy and Ron would would excrutiatis him to death. Beatric Lestrange would take over Hogwarts and Mad Eye Moody would be revealed to be a eunuch because Voldemort neutered him at a young age. Later Mad Eye Moody is beheaded for being framed for murder by the Ministry of Magic. Draco Malfoy would then be sentenced to death by burning at the stake, and mean while Harry Potter never learns magic, because he knows nothing.

[pendell]

Well, first of all we wouldn't be calling him the boy who lived, except ironically :smallamused:

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Sermil]

> If GRR Martin had written Harry Potter

It would still have been done sooner than if Robert Jordan had written it. :smalltongue:

[Flickerdart]

Fortunately, there's already some text for what Terry Goodkind's (http://the-toast.net/2014/05/27/ayn-rands-harry-potter-sorcerers-stone/) Harry Potter would read like.

[Dienekes]

Fortunately, there's already some text for what Terry Goodkind's (http://the-toast.net/2014/05/27/ayn-rands-harry-potter-sorcerers-stone/) Harry Potter would read like.

And Hermione looked down at the dog that was guarding the Philosophers Stone.

The doggy let out a small "woof." It sounded like a doggy, but in her heart she knew it wasn't. In that instant, she completely understood the concept of a doggy that was not a doggy. This looked like a doggy, like most of the Muggle's doggies. But this was no doggy.


it was evil incarnate.

[Rysto]

And Hermione looked down at the dog that was guarding the Philosophers Stone. (snip)

My life would be a happier one if I wasn't able to get this joke.

[Dienekes]

My life would be a happier one if I wasn't able to get this joke.

What do you have against the only good thing Goodkind has ever written?

[GloatingSwine]

While it is of course frustrating, I have increasingly come to view the criticism of Martin's writing pace as unfair. He published the first three books in four years, which is thoroughly respectable. The fourth book then took five years and the sixth book took six. It's been a little under six years since that book, with no release date announced, but the year is yet young.

On the other hand, in August 2000 when A Storm of Swords was published, Jim Butcher had published one Dresden Files book.

There are now fifteen.

And a six book fantasy epic.

He knows about it though... (https://youtu.be/v_PBqSPNTfg?t=3002)

[Razade]

I think the answer to "how does King write so many books" is the vast majority of them aren't very good. Putting out a lot of books is an accomplishment only in output. Says nothing of quality.

[An Enemy Spy]

I think the answer to "how does King write so many books" is the vast majority of them aren't very good. Putting out a lot of books is an accomplishment only in output. Says nothing of quality.

The answer to that is cocaine and lots of it. I think Stephen King himself would agree with me there. Back in the 80's at least. Maybe not anymore.

[An Enemy Spy]

I personally am partial to Terry Goodkind's version of A Game of Thrones.

"The crowd roared their approval as Ned was brought to the executioner's block on the stairs of the Sept. Erect, masterful, masculine in his King's Hand outfit, he looked like a statue of himself.

Joffrey, whose tongue had been quickly regrown by the Maesters, spoke the execution order, but before the sword could be swung, Ned instantly stretched and carved a statue. It was a noble direwolf, its paw lightly resting on the body of a fairly conquered enemy. Carved on the pedestal was a single word - "Honour". Cersei fell to her knees and wept with joy, instantly confessing her sins to the crowd, who instantly forgave her."

[Razade]

The answer to that is cocaine and lots of it. I think Stephen King himself would agree with me there. Back in the 80's at least. Maybe not anymore.

That too. Lots of cocaine and lots of alcohol. Both of which can, depending on the person for the latter, really really boost productivity.

[Aedilred]

To get an idea of what it would be like if Terry Brooks wrote Harry Potter, first imagine a world in which Harry Potter already exists, written by JKR. Then imagine another series identical to that but with all the names changed and worse writing.

[Rysto]

If Terry Pratchett had written Philosopher's Stone, then as soon as Harry realized that Voldemort was going to be invading Hogwarts *that night*, he would have immediately run and tried to hide in the safest place in the castle, which would have been where the Stone was hidden, and he would have managed to thwart Voldemort in the process.

[Lethologica]

If Terry Pratchett had written Philosopher's Stone, there would have been at least one person at Hogwarts who claimed not to believe in magic.

[Traab]

If David Eddings wrote them, Dumbledoore would have been harrys grandfather, the deathly hallows would have been some sort of super weapon, and harry would have had frequent conversations with the entity that makes people like trawleny spew out prophecies. Oh, and ron would have been a charming thief while neville would have turned into a burly warrior by the 4th book. We would also be able to identify his future wife by checking to see which female character in his age bracket acts the most tsundere towards him. Possibly hermione. "Im only helping you pass so you stay in school long enough to stop the latest threat harry, dont think it means I like you or anything."

If David Gemmel wrote them, Harry would be a tortured and tormented hero from all his years of abuse. And at the end he would have to sacrifice his life to stop voldemort. Only he wouldnt come back. (Perhaps briefly in the next series when he shows up as a ghost to help in a battle)

If mercedes lackey wrote them, chances are hermione and ginny would hook up, his owl would be human intelligent with all sorts of abilities, (including mindspeech with harry) and the whole legilimency/occlumency thing would have been far better fleshed out. Also, it turns out he is lifebonded to, I dunno, luna probably.

[An Enemy Spy]

If Ayn Rand had written it, Draco Malfoy would have been the hero, and it would have ended with an anti-muggle speech that took up half the book.

[ArlEammon]

If Margaret Weis wrote Harry Potter, Harry Potter would be breathing with only one lung.

[Corvus]

> If GRR Martin had written Harry Potter

It would still have been done sooner than if Robert Jordan had written it. :smalltongue:

What? I think Jordan, for all his faults, still put them out a lot faster.

WOT was 14 books in 23 years.

ASOIAF is up to 21 years already and is only 5 books.

[Legato Endless]

What? I think Jordan, for all his faults, still put them out a lot faster.

WOT was 14 books in 23 years.

ASOIAF is up to 21 years already and is only 5 books.

It'd be more accurate to say if Jordan had written it, we'd have more than twice the books, but we'd still only be halfway through Storm of Swords in terms of content. And somewhere in the middle of it, we'd get one book consisting of nothing but every named character in King's Landing talking about the same party.

If Sanderson had written the series, he'd have released one book a month, and we'd get formulas for calculating things like the lift value for Wingardium Leviosa.

If Ursula LeGuin had written the series, she'd simply have made Hermione the protagonist.

[Rynjin]

If Ursula LeGuin had written the series, she'd simply have made Hermione the protagonist.

So you're saying the movies were written by LeGuin under a pen name?

Now it all makes sense!

Also if you want a sort of taste how a Harry potter written by GRRM might be like, read Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.

The stuff towards the end, primarily.

Notably, Harry aligns himself with Quirrel, is besties with Draco, and Hermione gets her legs eaten off by the dungeon troll and bleeds to death horribly. Nobody is friends with Ron, because he's an idiot.

I like the fic (haven't quite finished it yet though, lost it after the long hiatus after the above chapter) but that just seemed gratuitous.

[Seerow]

It'd be more accurate to say if Jordan had written it, we'd have more than twice the books, but we'd still only be halfway through Storm of Swords in terms of content. And somewhere in the middle of it, we'd get one book consisting of nothing but every named character in King's Landing talking about the same party.

Jordan's first 6 books all manage to move the plot at a somewhat decent pace. That's more than we can say about even Martin's first 4. You can hate on Jordan for meandering side plots, but let's not try to pretend Martin is even a little bit better about it, and he is objectively far slower.

[Legato Endless]

Gary Gygax's Harry would have a pole arm as his wand. Also the vocabulary would be varied enough to qualify the series as SAT prep for Americans.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Quirrell would be dead. The sorcerer's stone would still be safe, the traps surrounding it would have killed them all. Book 2 would open with Neville as the new protagonist and the Death Eaters trying to free a now soul trapped Voldemort.


Jordan's first 6 books all manage to move the plot at a somewhat decent pace. That's more than we can say about even Martin's first 4. You can hate on Jordan for meandering side plots, but let's not try to pretend Martin is even a little bit better about it, and he is objectively far slower.

What? The first three books move quite quickly. Sword of Storms is packed enough that large events are reduced to shortened descriptions offscreen. Feast and Dance are a lot slower, but that's not quite your claim. Jordan's first 4ish books are decently paced. Once you move towards Book 10 the plots start becoming glacial. As in, he's in a race with the pacing of Dragon Ball Z. The anime. Not the manga. Also, I'm not quite sure how one would objectively measure such a thing.

[Misery Esquire]

Glen Cook's Harry Potter would be written as the memoires of Ron (in the first person). And not everything would turn out OK in the first three books. And the last four would be darker and darker.

Raymond E. Feist's Harry Potter would have just been the first two books being about HP vs Voldemort, and another twenty books working towards some sort of climatic reset of the Statute of Secrecy. Occasionally including Harry.

[Seerow]

What? The first three books move quite quickly. Sword of Storms is packed enough that large events are reduced to shortened descriptions offscreen. Feast and Dance are a lot slower, but that's not quite your claim. Jordan's first 4ish books are decently paced. Once you move towards Book 10 the plots start becoming glacial. As in, he's in a race with the pacing of Dragon Ball Z. The anime. Not the manga. Also, I'm not quite sure how one would objectively measure such a thing.

Two separate things here.

When I said "even the first 4" I meant by the fourth book Martin had slowed down significantly in terms of pacing. Basically, Jordan kept up a good pace of overall plot for his first 6 books (up through Lords of Chaos), it was after that the wheels started spinning and grinding to the eventual complete halt at book 10. By comparison, Martin starts spinning his wheels at book 4, three full books earlier than Jordan. Basically Jordan made it twice as deep into his series before the plot started meandering too badly.

When I mentioned Martin being objectively slower, that was harking back to the original writing speed comparison. Someone else pointed out that Martin has produced 5 books in 21 years while Jordan did 11 over the course of 23 years. It's pretty hard to deny that Jordan wrote more.

[Forum Explorer]

If Margaret Weis wrote Harry Potter, Harry Potter would be breathing with only one lung.

Please, if Margaret Weis wrote Harry Potter;

-Hagrid's dragon in the first book would be a main character

-Who would be a good hearted, if mischevious and childish, prankster.

-Voldemort would get the Stone, and Harry would have to track down Nickolas Flannel (who would end up being a dragon, demigod, or both), in order to find a way to reverse his immortality

-Ron would find magic through Faith. Hermonine through Science. They'd have a star-crossed lovers romance where they'd reconicle the differences in their attitudes.

-Ron would split the party, and try and protect muggles along with Nevelle, Luna, the Twins, and Nearly Headless Nick. Meanwhile Harry, Hermonie, Hagrid, the Dragon, and Snape would be trying to contact Flannel.

-Harry's pride in being the Boy Who Lived would prevent him from realizing his true potential. Only after being humbled and learning true humility would be become the Chosen One.

-Instead of Crabbe and Goyle, Draco would be assisted by a dragon, who, while evil, would value him more then Voldemort would.

-In the final fight, Voldemort would turn into/summon dragons to fight for him, and Harry would use the power of God to banish Vodemort for all time.

Basically, I'm saying there would be a lot more dragons. :smallwink:

[Fri]

The answer to that is cocaine and lots of it. I think Stephen King himself would agree with me there. Back in the 80's at least. Maybe not anymore.

King's writing quality is pretty subjective, but you must applaud his professionalism. Basically I think I once read in interview that he consider writing to be his day job, and if say something in the line of if he's say contracted to write a 300 pages novel in 6 month he'll set up a 9 to 5 schedule for 24 weeks, with 3 pages deadline per day, and most of the time he'll be following the schedule, because for him it's his day job.

[pendell]

Thinking about this overnight ...

If Terry Pratchett wrote Harry Potter, the titular character would spend most of the books doing the sensible thing, which is running away from the world-ending threat, yet somehow wind up saving the world anyhow at the end. Meanwhile, Hermione, Mcgonnagle, and Ginny would team up and have a number of adventures stolen from Shakespeare's plays. Mcgonnagle would get many more lines; she would be bitter, grumpy, and have a dry wit which could part the very air with its sharpness if used.



To get an idea of what it would be like if Terry Brooks wrote Harry Potter, first imagine a world in which Harry Potter already exists, written by JKR. Then imagine another series identical to that but with all the names changed and worse writing.


So. Much. Burn. :smallamused:

Meanwhile, if GRR Martin wrote the books instead...

As mentioned earlier, Voldemort would be a broody menace whose coming would be prophesied for 90% of the books without being seen, serving as backdrop to the Game of Wands as the Malfoys, Cornelius Fudge, and Dumbledore jockey for the leadership of magical Britain.

Many of the things skimmed over in the books would be shown in full relief; the plots of Dolores and Fudge for example, as they do all they can both to fend off the menace of the death eaters and keep control of their own power. Certain horrors only alluded to would receive multiple page treatment; the torments of Azkaban, for example, and an on-screen Deatheater Kiss, probably of a bound and defenseless captive.

Presumably magical Britain, like every other place in the world with human males, has brothels. JK Rowling didn't mention them. In this world, Fred and George would find this a more profitable arrangement than selling toys, and some of their 'workers' would be house elves.

Hermione would go beyond simply trying to smuggle clothes to house elves, and would lead a full-on revolution which would split the wizarding world down the middle. During the course of which Martin would find some pretext to strip the adult Emma Watson down to her nethers and walk the walk of shame or be burned alive with dragons. Doesn't really matter; lust finds a way.

The utter destruction of the wizarding world between the warring factions and Hermione's revolution would set the stage for Voldemort's final return.

Oh, and the banquets in Hogwarts castle would devote some fifty pages to the description of the various dishes served :smallamused:.

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Cespenar]

If China Mieville wrote Harry Potter, Hogwarts would have been populated solely by Horcrux-people who each have different aspects of their house patron. To keep magic from going extinct, all magic-users would have to become killers in some point of their lives and split themselves into Horcruxes as well. The society of wizardry would have a caste system in which your Horcrux-proximity to the original House founders would determine your status.

Oh, also, add a random physical disfigurement to every Horcrux-people, just because.

[HasSIn]

If Joe Abercrombie wrote Harry Potter, Harry would be left crippled, every step he took would be an unimaginable pain, his scar would probably cover half his face and he would throw sarcastic one-liners every few pages. And every time he would try to help Hermione or Ron, it would end up with them getting hurt and Harry being covered with blood and a lot of innocent people dead at his feet. However, to be fair, Voldemort would probably lose by the end, but then you would realize that Dumbledore is far worse and was orchestrating the whole thing from the start.

[Aotrs Commander]

If David Eddings wrote them, Dumbledoore would have been harrys grandfather, the deathly hallows would have been some sort of super weapon, and harry would have had frequent conversations with the entity that makes people like trawleny spew out prophecies. Oh, and ron would have been a charming thief while neville would have turned into a burly warrior by the 4th book. We would also be able to identify his future wife by checking to see which female character in his age bracket acts the most tsundere towards him. Possibly hermione. "Im only helping you pass so you stay in school long enough to stop the latest threat harry, dont think it means I like you or anything."

And it would either be light-hearted and jolly entertaining (early Eddings) or very, very repetative (sadly, late Eddings).


If mercedes lackey wrote them, chances are hermione and ginny would hook up, his owl would be human intelligent with all sorts of abilities, (including mindspeech with harry) and the whole legilimency/occlumency thing would have been far better fleshed out. Also, it turns out he is lifebonded to, I dunno, luna probably.

It would probably manage to be even more slice of life, with all the peril sort of tacked on in the last couple of chapters, but it'd manage to be entertaining.



If Timothy Zhan wrote Harry Potter, Voldemorte would have been the best bad guy ever.

If Derek Landy wrote Harry Potter, it would be much the same in board strokes for the first half - except with a great deal more witty one-liners - and then got very gory and theorhetically dark in the second half BUT while maintaining the light-hearted wittiness throughout that completely balances it out. Also, Dumbledore would be a Lich. (And it would be awesome.)

[pendell]

If Derek Landy wrote Harry Potter, it would be much the same in board strokes for the first half - except with a great deal more witty one-liners - and then got very gory and theorhetically dark in the second half BUT while maintaining the light-hearted wittiness throughout that completely balances it out. Also, Dumbledore would be a Lich. (And it would be awesome.)

Have we just identified your favorite author? :smallamused:

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Aotrs Commander]

Have we just identified your favorite author? :smallamused:

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

Favourite? Not quite. (That's still be Tolkien, followed by Zhan.)

But damnit, he wrote a whole series about a Lich (in all but name*) and has the single best about the author bit I've ever read.


Derek lives in Ireland and hates everyone but you.

Because you're special.

What's not to love?



(Seriously though, when most series get all dark and grim and stuff, they tend to lose their humour and become a bit heavy (and unfun). Skullduggery managed to keep enough levy to keep things from becoming depressing even when really quite horrible things were happening to everyone.)



*Skeleton that casts spells is a Lich in all the ways that matter as far as I'm concerned.

[Leewei]

If GRRM had written Harry Potter ...

The Weasley kids would have each gotten a baby hippogriff. Only Ron and Ginny would have made it through the last book alive.

Two words: Draco Pie.

In an early high point in the series, the Dursleys all die in a fire. Petunia comes back, though.

Goyle would come to regret being a minion, and take Hermione under his protection for the better part of a year. Afterward, she literally stabs him in the back.

Two more words: Red Sorting

Hagrid would have a one word vocabulary.

Voldemort and the Death Eaters were merely power-hungry. The true enemies of wizardkind are revealed to be magical snowmen (Olafs) created by House Elves. The coming conflict is ominously hinted at with the phrase, "Christmas is coming."

Griffindor's Sword gets used. A LOT. After a while, they stop bothering to clean it.

Dementors become far less of a problem halfway through the third book when they all slip into a food coma.

A new character named Tyrion Lannister replaces Flitwick as the Charms teacher, then later as Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor. Rather than teaching magic, he instead focuses on firearms maintenance, small unit tactics, and marksmanship. Half the class ends up killing the other half, but they later wipe the floor with the Death Eaters.

[pendell]

Well, I have a new author to read, seemingly.

Meanwhile, if Tolkien wrote Harry Potter ...


... it would be three times as long as it currently is.

... the books would be 20% longer to account for travel sequences , most of which is Ron moaning about how hungry they are.

... The book would have a song inserted inline approximately every three chapters. Even the Death Eaters would have their own particular song and dance number, making the eventual creation of "Harry Potter: The musical" much easier.

... The journey into the Forbidden Forest would be interrupted by a multi-chapter vignette in which Harry interacts with a character from another of Tolkien's stories whom he nonetheless found a way to smuggle in.

... Rather than faux-latin, the spells cast would be in an entirely new invented language, based on Finnish roots and 'aged' in a different direction by a skilled linguist.

... For that matter, the house elves, the goblins of Gringots, and the Death Eaters would all have their own fully realized languages.

... The end of book 7 would contain a series of appendices detailing the lineage of all the Wizarding houses, including Harry Potter's descent straight back to Merlin, a comprehensive history of Magical Britain including a yearly chronology, and extensive writings on the culture and history of each of the magical races.



In an early high point in the series, the Dursleys all die in a fire. Petunia comes back, though.


Dammit.

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Rockphed]

he book would have a song inserted inline approximately every three chapters. Even the Death Eaters would have their own particular song and dance number, making the eventual creation of "Harry Potter: The musical" much easier.

There is one, titled "A very potter musical". The same crazy people created "A very potter sequel". They are hilarious, but a little risque.

[Rater202]

*Skeleton that casts spells is a Lich in all the ways that matter as far as I'm concerned.

Pseudo-immortality in either a regenerative, possessive, or ressurective sense?

I mean, my understanding is that the purpose of becoming a Lich is to avoid True Death by age and make it less likely that you'll die of violence--not having some kind o insurance(Regenerative healing factor, ability to reassemble and self-reanimate your bones, phylactery, loci) really goes against the spirit of the thing.

[Eldan]

If China Mieville wrote Harry Potter, Hogwarts would have been populated solely by Horcrux-people who each have different aspects of their house patron. To keep magic from going extinct, all magic-users would have to become killers in some point of their lives and split themselves into Horcruxes as well. The society of wizardry would have a caste system in which your Horcrux-proximity to the original House founders would determine your status.

Oh, also, add a random physical disfigurement to every Horcrux-people, just because.

You forgot that the ministry would be full on goose-stepping Nazis and someone would lead a communist revolution.

[Kantaki]

Pseudo-immortality in either a regenerative, possessive, or ressurective sense?

I mean, my understanding is that the purpose of becoming a Lich is to avoid True Death by age and make it less likely that you'll die of violence--not having some kind o insurance(Regenerative healing factor, ability to reassemble and self-reanimate your bones, phylactery, loci) really goes against the spirit of the thing.

It's kinda complicated. The hero is a walking, talking, magic using skeleton.
So, lich is a pretty accurate term.
Just not the same way Xykon is.
No phylactery for starters.

There was a magic war against a evil sorcerer and Skullduggery fought for the good guys.
Very well.
So one of the big bad’s generals lured him into a trap and killed him.
Then he came back. That's all most people, including him, know.

The truth is that the necromancer who gave Skullduggery’s nemesis the weapon/spell he used to kill him included a loophole that would return Skulduggery back to unlife because he- or rather his order -wanted Skulduggery for a specific purpose.

[Traab]

If RA Salvatore wrote the harry potter books, a mysterious two sword wielding cloaked figure would show up at the climax of every book to take out the threat. Someone dies in every book, then its revealed how they didnt actually die in the next book as they show up at some dramatic moment, and dobby (along with the other house elves ) HATES the mystery cloaked figure.

If Anne Bishop wrote the series, Bellatrix would be the big bad She Who Must Not Be Named, voldemort would be her primary servant. Delores would rule magical britain, torturing the ever loving HECK out of any male in her range of vision, the story would revolve around the girl who lived having to get over the massive amount of trauma in her life in order to save everyone decent. Oh, and satan is a good guy.

[pendell]

If RA Salvatore wrote the harry potter books, a mysterious two sword wielding cloaked figure would show up at the climax of every book to take out the threat. Someone dies in every book, then its revealed how they didnt actually die in the next book as they show up at some dramatic moment, and dobby (along with the other house elves ) HATES the mystery cloaked figure.


I'm pretty sure that second part was due to 'creative differences' with the people paying the bills. I suspect RA Salvatore wanted to kill off a main character for the feels but each time was overridden by TSR, which didn't want to see a popular character killed off and so compromise the brand. So the characters keep coming back.

Besides, hey, it's a DND world, right? Death is nothing you can't get out of with enough diamonds :).

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Traab]

I'm pretty sure that second part was due to 'creative differences' with the people paying the bills. I suspect RA Salvatore wanted to kill off a main character for the feels but each time was overridden by TSR, which didn't want to see a popular character killed off and so compromise the brand. So the characters keep coming back.

Besides, hey, it's a DND world, right? Death is nothing you can't get out of with enough diamonds :).

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

Oh I know, but he still DID IT, therefore thats how his harry potter books would go. Ron gets killed by the chess piece in a self sacrificing maneuver. Then in book 2 he shows up at the station in time to help harry steal his dads car. Turns out he was in a coma at saint mungos the whole time and recently got better. Hermione gets killed by the basalisk in book 2 and shows up at the leaky cauldron in book 3. Turns out that even though we couldnt see it, she actually did have a mirror handy to protect her from the killing glance. Then lupin gets kissed by dementors in werewolf form. Turns out in book 4 we learn that it somehow only effected his werewolf form. Of course cedric died in book 4. It turns out the killing curse hit his belt buckle and knocked him out, he is just happy harry brought him back from the graveyard as that would have sucked. Etc etc etc

[warty goblin]

Oh I know, but he still DID IT, therefore thats how his harry potter books would go. Ron gets killed by the chess piece in a self sacrificing maneuver. Then in book 2 he shows up at the station in time to help harry steal his dads car. Turns out he was in a coma at saint mungos the whole time and recently got better. Hermione gets killed by the basalisk in book 2 and shows up at the leaky cauldron in book 3. Turns out that even though we couldnt see it, she actually did have a mirror handy to protect her from the killing glance. Then lupin gets kissed by dementors in werewolf form. Turns out in book 4 we learn that it somehow only effected his werewolf form. Of course cedric died in book 4. It turns out the killing curse hit his belt buckle and knocked him out, he is just happy harry brought him back from the graveyard as that would have sucked. Etc etc etc

Too easy. Somebody needs to go to hell and spend a book or too all traumatized.

Also, Harry would totally keep a diary, and every couple of chapters we'd get an all-italics and rather angsty excerpt from said.

[Kitten Champion]

If Diana Wynne Jones wrote Harry Potter it'd probably be - at most - four books. She'd probably try to follow the perspectives of a few of the students and possibly teachers. She wouldn't have maintained the whole secret magical world concept, people would be widely aware of Wizards and magical creatures if not particularly familiar with the details. Our heroes would have some quirky flaws but generally be quite sweet underneath, and possess unique magical affinities based around their characterization. The teachers would be a small satiric critique of the British education system - as would many other elements - however, there would be a reasonable authority figure they can turn to. The Dursleys may be quite flawed, but not malevolent towards Harry whom they'd have adopted for normal reasons. Harry wouldn't be a Horacrux, though he would still be prophetically chosen to defeat the Dark Lord which would have some ironic conclusion to it. The issue of muggle/wizards divide probably wouldn't come up, Voldemort would be simply after power in one form or another.

Hogwarts would play cricket.

[Flickerdart]

If Leo Tolstoy had written Harry Potter, it would be two books at a thousand pages each, and all the dialogue would be in French. Voldemort would triumph, but recognize the nobility of Harry's soul, and then everyone would die.

[The Glyphstone]

If David Weber wrote Harry Potter, all current or former members of Slytherin would be stripped of any redeeming qualities or backstory justifications for their mustache-twirling villainy. Right before each climactic showdown with Voldemort, we would first be treated to a chapter-length infodump regarding the specific details and extensive history of some aspect of magic or wizarding culture tangentially related to the events going on. Each book would introduce a new group of intriguing and fleshed-out side characters who would die horribly aiding Harry against Voldemort somehow. Harry would be heavily outnumbered by Voldemort and his Death eaters in every confrontation, only to win by using a brand-new and incredibly powerful spell Hermione had spent the rest of the book researching for him. Every book would end with Harry suffering some crippling physical mutilation or psychological trauma (likely related to the sacrifice of said side characters), and the next book would begin after he was fully healed and given some sort of award or power upgrade.

[Rater202]

If Masashi Kishimoto had written Harry Potter, Harry would draw on the scar Horcrux for power and then end up being bros with it. Also the power creep would slowly approach ridiculous levels, and the final enemy would have been subtly forshadowed from early on but only blatantly stated to exist a short while before showing up out of freaking nowhere. Voldemort would be deposed early on bhut come back to help the good guys and be a morally ambiguous ally in thesequel, he'd be replaced by mysterious enemies who turned out to be pawns in a plan to bring back Grindelwald, who it would have turned out to be nothing more than a pawn i n the plot to bring back the true villain.

Hermione would get moments to shine and show off her big brain... but she'd be useless every other time up until she sucker punches the big bad so Harry and Ron can finish them off.

Ron's moments of having flaws would be exaggerated. Not quite to fanon Ron levels, but enough to be an antagonistic force and/or legit insane for a good chunk of the story espite still technically being Harry's friend.

[Kish]

During the course of which Martin would find some pretext to strip the adult Emma Watson down to her nethers and walk the walk of shame or be burned alive with dragons.
Adult? Daenerys was 13 when she married (and was raped by) Drogo in the books, you know.

(She's older on the show because the show producers told Martin "we have to either ditch the rape or make her older.")

[Lethologica]

Adult? Daenerys was 13 when she married (and was raped by) Drogo in the books, you know.

(She's older on the show because the show producers told Martin "we have to either ditch the rape or make her older.")
It's in large part a reference to Cersei (walk of shame). So 'adult' is reasonable.

[Leewei]

If Harry Potter had been written as a 1979 TV Sitcom starring Gabe Kaplan,
Welcome Back, Potter

Our protagonist would not be a young boy, but rather a young man, returning to the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for young, misunderstood rejects from the Wizarding World.
Hogsweats School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Mister Potter, upon his move into the role of Defense Against the Dark Arts, would become aware of his deadly nemesis.
Lord Travoltamort

Together with his wisecracking students, he'd seek out and destroy each of seven ...
Horshacks

[oudeis]

If Harry Potter had been written as a 1979 TV Sitcom starring Gabe Kaplan,
Welcome Back, Potter

Our protagonist would not be a young boy, but rather a young man, returning to the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for young, misunderstood rejects from the Wizarding World.
Hogsweats School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Mister Potter, upon his move into the role of Defense Against the Dark Arts, would become aware of his deadly nemesis.
Lord Travoltamort

Together with his wisecracking students, he'd seek out and destroy each of seven ...
Horshacks
That is just absolutely beautiful. Bravo, sir, bravo.

[JoshL]

Further Diana Wynne Jones: book one would be about Harry. Book two would be about a teacher from Hufflepuff who only runs into Harry at the end. Book three would take place 500 years in the past and seem almost completely unrelated. However, book four would feature that character in the present, helping/hindering Harry (perspective would probably not be on him though. Maybe Luna. Actually, I just want a book from Luna's perspective).

Let's try a few of my favorites:
If Salman Rushdie wrote Harry Potter, it would never be clear if there actually is magic, or if it's just how Harry is choosing to see life in a strange boarding school. It will all be a metaphor for India and Pakistan.

If Umberto Eco wrote Harry Potter, it would contain long and detailed descriptions of the spells, and how the language used in incantations evolved over the years, and how the words shape the intent. What happens to Harry is not as important as how his story is told, and how the stories others tell him shape his world view. The books discussed in the world would be described in even more detail and even more important than they are, because aren't stories neat?

If Harukai Murakami wrote Harry Potter, Hermione would disappear without a trace in the third chapter. The rest of the events, including the confrontation with Voldemort, only happens because he's trying to get her back. Eventually, he does, she goes off with Ron and the book ends right before the final battle, with Harry left to consider why he is in this confrontation in the first place, but oddly content and understanding himself a little better.

If Charles de Lint wrote Harry Potter, there would be far more name-dropping of songs and bands. All magic would be done via some creative work, music, painting, sculpture, etc. Any time someone in passing mentions something that happened once, you can be assured that story will be told eventually. Also any trauma/abuse/ptsd would be directly dealt with. Neville is not going to have a good time.

If William S. Burroughs wrote it, the story would involve more interdimensional travel, way more drugs and alcohol, the story would be exceptionally difficult to follow, Harry would be cynical and violent, looking at deatheaters more with disdain than fear, but well aware that Voldemort is a conspiracy based on Venus intended to stunt humanity's growth within the wizarding world. aware that Voldemort travel, way more drugs and violent, wrote it, the humanity's stunt would be exceptionally alcohol to follow, Harry.

If Mark Z. Danielewski wrote Harry Potter, it would be about someone writing a criticism of the Harry Potter movies, which may or may not exist, the name Voldemort would be crossed out and mostly in footnotes with the implication that he is the reason the films do not actually exist anymore.

If Charles Bukowski wrote Harry Potter, the action would only leave the Three Broomsticks to go to the Leaky Cauldron.

If Neil Gaiman wrote Harry Potter it would more or less be the Books of Magic graphic novel that he did write, so I guess that's an easy one.

[pendell]

Adult? Daenerys was 13 when she married (and was raped by) Drogo in the books, you know.

(She's older on the show because the show producers told Martin "we have to either ditch the rape or make her older.")


Perhaps I should say: Whatever age she is in the books , the film adaptation will ensure the actress is at least eighteen when the event occurs, if for no other reason than to ensure no one involved in the production goes to jail.


ETA: Never mind. The other responses here are just too awesome to contaminate with cross-traffic.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Razade]

Perhaps I should say: Whatever age she is in the books , the film adaptation will ensure the actress is at least eighteen when the event occurs, if for no other reason than to ensure no one involved in the production goes to jail.

The TV show already did this.

[Knaight]

If Gabriel Garcia Marquez had written Harry Potter it would be shorter and full of time skips, the characters would still have magic but it would be dramatically overshadowed by the magic of the setting, and Hogwarts would be moved to a large village or small town in Central America and renamed. The generally peaceful start and ramping things up with a murder midway through would still happen, but said murder would be vastly more central. Everything would be written from the perspective of the house elves, and the wizarding world has a good chance of being heavily inspired by United Fruit. The sentence to sentence writing would also be beautifully crafted.

If Bernard Cromwell had written Harry Potter it would be set well in Britain's past, have a more martial bent, and have a material culture that displays that the research that went it was largely lackluster and ignored material culture entirely. The back of the book would then be five quotes about how convincing it is by being set in well researched real history.

If Jane Austen had written Harry Potter it would present a similar story with a higher focus on the romance. Harry would narrate much more actively, with a surface level reading of the narration being about how right and proper wizarding society is in all regards, while a better reading will notice that the entire narration is dripping with irony, the wizarding world is an analog to the aristocracy, and that the society is depicted with thinly veiled contempt.

On the cross traffic: ASoIF isn't the only thing GRRM has written, and the other books could provide interest if more iterations of the hypothetical GRRM potterverse were made.

[Fri]

If Alan Moore writes Harry Potter, harry would be the Antichrist and... wait, he already did that.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_League_of_Extraordinary_Gentlemen,_Volume_III: _Century#Chapter_3._Let_It_Come_Down

[warty goblin]

On the cross traffic: ASoIF isn't the only thing GRRM has written, and the other books could provide interest if more iterations of the hypothetical GRRM potterverse were made.

Indeed.

If GRRM wrote Harry Potter in his thousand worlds setting, all the characters would be no longer quite so young adults haunted by hosts of bitter romantic regrets. A large portion of the story would focus on Dementors, and while those who have not been kissed generally react with existential terror at the very idea, those who have report that it is a heaven of infinite love and togetherness. Increasingly people attempt to escape their bitter isolation by volunteering to be kissed. Half of Snape's face is burned off, he lives to duel anyone on any side, simply because it brings him some sort of satisfaction, and he's the only person jaded enough to understand that the universe will eat you and your principles whole and never even notice. Voldemort was defeated years ago, but wizarding society is brought crashing down when the ecosystem collapses after they buy one too many magical creatures for use in war from a mushroom eating fat man with the powers of a god. From a certain angle this resembles justice for the crimes of wizard society at large.

If GRRM wrote Harry Potter in his corpse handler setting, it starts with a young and idealistic Harry being introduced into the joys of having sex with inferi. At his highpoint, Harry considers actually doing something to stop Voldemort, but after Hermione dumps him for being a passive little whiner, he becomes a hollow and bitter shell who has lots of sex with inferi. It's implied that his total loss of the ability to love means he is essentially controlled by the horcrux, and never even knows it. Look, I always tell people who think A Song of Ice and Fire is too bleak that really that's Martin in a good mood. You can tell because it takes a thousand plus pages before you want to take a bath in bleach.

If GRRM wrote Harry Potter in Fevre Dream universe, Voldemort won hundreds and hundreds of years ago. All wizards are death eaters, and, though deathless, they must still hide lest they are rooted out and killed. Also they literally eat people. The major hero of the story is Draco Malfoy, who, though a death eater, wishes to lead his people if not into the light, than at least out of a life of constant butchery. Harry, a muggle, befriends Draco, and although it takes most of Harry's life, they manage to finally topple Voldemort. At the end, we see that although the wizards still live in hiding, they are free of Voldemort's tyranny, but everything Harry loved has passed away and been forgotten.

[Knaight]

If George R. R. Martin had written Harry Potter the way he wrote Sandkings, Dumbledore and Voldemort would be the same person. Dumbledore is a bored and rich old man who buys Hogwarts Castle for the fun of having a bunch of students under him who struggle and fight for his amusement, the houses and house points were implemented because the students weren't sufficiently factitious for Dumbledore's taste, and the Sorting Hat is an evil artifact also purchased for amusement. Students die in their duels, the blood sport of Quiddich, and the even bloodier Trial of Fire. The professors at Hogwarts are all Dumbledore's friends, and Voldemort got started as a persona when Dumbledore killed a professor who reacted with horror to Hogwarts and went to tell the ministry of Magic, before it spiraled out from there. It's written largely from Dumbledore's perspective, and it ends when some of the students grow powerful enough to overthrow and kill him.

[Scarlet Knight]

If Robert E. Howard wrote Harry Potter:

The Dursley’s wouldn’t have been family, but Harry’s owners.

Harry would always be sullen instead of mostly sullen. Hermione would still be formidable, but drink and curse like a sailor.

Every book would end with Harry beheading a villain: Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, the Basilisk, Nagina. The only exception is in Book 6, where Harry kills Bellatrix by throwing her into a fire when she starts to turn into a demon during sex.

Oh, and in Book 2, Ginny is kidnapped, dressed in a diaphanous gown, and raped by Tom Riddle.
In Book 4, the Patel sisters are kidnapped, dressed in diaphanous gowns, and raped by Deatheaters.
In Book 7, Luna is captured, stripped, chained, then raped by Fenrir Greyback.

Hmm, I guess I know where GRR Martin got his inspiration from...

[khadgar567]

This is not harry potter 40k addition but if you ask what i change as writer of harry potter. I will ad atleast few more books focusing harry's foreing terms in arabian magic school were he hooks with new girl and learns there is more tools for magic then hogwards teached him as begining books he vissits local ring maker so he can cast proper efficent magic(magic will be fully over hauled and he learns to shoot fireballs)( ow and his ring has geniue genie bound to it half tempting him half teaching him some real mojo)

[Blue Ghost]

I'm quite fond of the chapter-long descriptions of the Hogwarts feasts from the Brian Jacques version.

[Fri]

I'm quite fond of the chapter-long descriptions of the Hogwarts feasts from the Brian Jacques version.

So do I. The chapter-long shopping list for it in Stephen King version, kinda less so.

[Cespenar]

If China Mieville wrote Harry Potter, Hogwarts would have been populated solely by Horcrux-people who each have different aspects of their house patron. To keep magic from going extinct, all magic-users would have to become killers in some point of their lives and split themselves into Horcruxes as well. The society of wizardry would have a caste system in which your Horcrux-proximity to the original House founders would determine your status.

Oh, also, add a random physical disfigurement to every Horcrux-people, just because.


You forgot that the ministry would be full on goose-stepping Nazis and someone would lead a communist revolution.

Of course. And the revolution would probably be spearheaded by the underground wizard-artiste community.

[Lacuna Caster]

Also if you want a sort of taste how a Harry potter written by GRRM might be like, read Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.

The stuff towards the end, primarily.

Notably, Harry aligns himself with Quirrel, is besties with Draco, and Hermione gets her legs eaten off by the dungeon troll and bleeds to death horribly. Nobody is friends with Ron, because he's an idiot.

I read the first couple of chapters and thought "Oh, so this is how Voldemort sees the world", but yeesh, that's pretty harsh for Hermione.

[Aedilred]

I read the first couple of chapters and thought "Oh, so this is how Voldemort sees the world", but yeesh, that's pretty harsh for Hermione.

It's ok, she gets better :smalltongue:

[Hackman]

If Victor Hugo had written Harry Potter:
The scene where Hermione is hiding from the troll in the bathroom would be preceded by a 50 page treatise on Hogwarts sanitation. Harry would be thrown into Azkaban for 20 years for underage wizardry. After being released he would save Voldemort's life and cause him to commit suicide rather than owe his life to a criminal.

[Knaight]

If T. H. White had written Harry Potter it would be nominally set in the past, but full of bizarre anachronisms. Dumbledore would be an esoteric figure who lived through time backwards, and the books would include a narrator bleating endlessly about how much civilization has declined. Harry would be an animagus who could turn into any kind of animal, and this would be used to shoehorn in a bunch of poorly made animal characters. The book would be known as a classic, but actually reading it would be a chore due to a large part of it being unmitigated garbage; the titles at least would be better.

[Grey_Wolf_c]

If Roald Dahl had written Harry Potter, it'd be called Matilda (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matilda_(novel)).

Harry Potter reads, in many ways, like an extended version of Matilda: child abused by their caretakers develops magic powers that helps him/her in getting rid of them.

GW

[Fri]

If Nisio Isin had written Harry Potter it will mostly consists of Harry rambling about random stuffs he see and think, telling and explaining to the reader about the wizarding world with his own thoughts and words sparsed with references and comparisons to other novels or movies, which will turn out to be unreliable narration, and with the plot happening on the background of his ramblings.

[pendell]

If C. S. Lewis were to write HP he would take Rowling's subtle allusions and work them up into full-fledged Anvilicious Allegories which a six-year-old child couldn't miss. Also, everyone would die in the end as Voldemort conquers Magical Britain, but they all meet up again in True Britain and .. live? .. happily ever after in a world where Voldemort can't come.

Lewis would not touch Voldemort-Jadis shipping with a ten-foot pole, but it would be the subject of much fan fiction for decades afterward.

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Rater202]

So you're saying the movies were written by LeGuin under a pen name?

Now it all makes sense!

Also if you want a sort of taste how a Harry potter written by GRRM might be like, read Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.

The stuff towards the end, primarily.

Notably, Harry aligns himself with Quirrel, is besties with Draco, and Hermione gets her legs eaten off by the dungeon troll and bleeds to death horribly. Nobody is friends with Ron, because he's an idiot.

I like the fic (haven't quite finished it yet though, lost it after the long hiatus after the above chapter) but that just seemed gratuitous.

You might want to start over. Harry initially dismisses Ron... But Herminone is friends with him and his skil;ls as a chess master prove invaluable to her in the "student war games" plotline.

[Knaight]

If C. S. Lewis were to write HP he would take Rowling's subtle allusions and work them up into full-fledged Anvilicious Allegories which a six-year-old child couldn't miss. Also, everyone would die in the end as Voldemort conquers Magical Britain, but they all meet up again in True Britain and .. live? .. happily ever after in a world where Voldemort can't come.

Said allegories would also get progressively more and more blatant as the series goes on, there would be at least one case where a book requires a setting that flatly contradicts the setting elsewhere in the series in really major ways, and the last book would give up on allegory and go straight into propoganda.

[Eldan]

If Susanna Clarke had written Harry Potter, the wizarding world would be mostly forgotten and hidden away. Harry Potter would have inherited his parent's money when they died and live a life of leisure until he was called to Hogwarts by some weird old teacher. Let's say Flitwick.
Magic would mostly come from blood pacts with centaurs, half-elves and other mystical creatures, who are mostly malicious.
The handful of actual students Hogwarts has would be drafted into the War on Terror and return traumatized after using some very dark magic.
Ginny Weasley would fall into a magical coma after using Tom Riddle's diary.
Dumbledore would a mystical figure from the past. A strange plot involving Flitwick's uncouth servant Hagrid, a particularly malicious house elf and Ginny's soul would return him for the finale, after which he would vanish again.

[2D8HP]

If Poul Anderson wrote Harry Potter, Harry would be the child of Dumbledore and Voldemorts captive daughter, and would be switched just after birth with Ron.

Ron and Ginny not knowing at first that they're brother and sister would become lovers after meeting each other as adults, upon realizing who each other is tragedy results (similar to Sam Sheppard's Harry Potter).

Then Harry and Ron slay each other in battle, which was Snape's plan all along.

[shadow_archmagi]

If Diana Wynne Jones wrote Harry Potter it'd probably be - at most - four books. She'd probably try to follow the perspectives of a few of the students and possibly teachers. She wouldn't have maintained the whole secret magical world concept, people would be widely aware of Wizards and magical creatures if not particularly familiar with the details. Our heroes would have some quirky flaws but generally be quite sweet underneath, and possess unique magical affinities based around their characterization. The teachers would be a small satiric critique of the British education system - as would many other elements - however, there would be a reasonable authority figure they can turn to. The Dursleys may be quite flawed, but not malevolent towards Harry whom they'd have adopted for normal reasons. Harry wouldn't be a Horacrux, though he would still be prophetically chosen to defeat the Dark Lord which would have some ironic conclusion to it. The issue of muggle/wizards divide probably wouldn't come up, Voldemort would be simply after power in one form or another.

Hogwarts would play cricket.

I think it's time for me to reread my Diana Wynne Jones collection, that sounds really nice.

If Eiichiro Oda wrote Harry Potter, the series would be ongoing, with Voldemort's identity having been revealed in Book 78 in 2010, and fans currently speculating about a possible "Battle for Hogwarts" that'd wrap the series up in 2025 or so.

If Brandon Sanderson wrote Harry Potter, we'd know exactly how the magic system worked.

[Eldan]

If Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett wrote Harry Potter together, Harry and Neville would be accidentally switched at birth by the order of the phoenix. Death eathers would try to kill Neville and the order would try to protect him. No one would notice the mistake, except for one pretty disloyal death eater (Snape) and one pretty dark Phoenix (Sirius Black), who would team up to teach Harry some last minute magic before the final confrontation.

[LughSpear]

If Alan Moore had written Harry Potter, someone would get raped... Oh wait... He already did that.

[2D8HP]

If Fritz Leiber wrote Harry Potter:

Chapter One,
Ron who is as tall as a NBA basketball player, fights and steals an older Fleur Delacour from neighbor Bill Weasley, and together they go to live in Diagon Alley.

Chapter Two,
Harry and Hermione are learning magic from Dumbledore, whom Hermione's cruel Muggle father has killed. Harry does spell after spell to plague Hermione's father, but gets captured and while being tortured casts one last spell that causes Hermione's father to die of heart failure.

Both Harry and Hermione flee to Diagon Alley.

Chapter Three.
Harry and Ron both try to rob the same Death Eater, notice each other and decide to team up, Harry introduces Ron to Hermione, and Ron introduces Fleur, all become fast friends.

Fleur and Hermione shame Harry and Ron to do more than just rob the Death Eaters, and a drunken Harry and Ron go in disguise to the Death Eaters hideout

The Death Eaters cast a spell which causes Fleur and Hermione to be eaten alive.

Harry and Ron kill many Death Eaters, and then leave Diagon Alley vowing never to return.

Chapter Five
Harry and Ron after visiting much of the world, return to Diagon Alley mostly to stay.

Chapter Nine
Harry and Ron still mourning and haunted by Fleur and Hermione, travel to Death's realm where they meet the shades of Fleur and Hermione who tell Harry and Ron not to bug them.

Chapter Thirteen

Harry and Ron battle Voldemort, and Harry has kinky relations with Voldemort's daughter when she isn't trying to kill him.

Chapter Nineteen
Harry now with Cho Chang, still steps out to have times with Voldemort's daughter.

Ron loses a hand.

[Eldan]

Of course. And the revolution would probably be spearheaded by the underground wizard-artiste community.

Nah. An underground wizard-artiste and a wizard-scientist would get involved, but all the real work of the revolution would be done by the tough workers of the Hogwarts Express.

[LughSpear]

wizard-scientist (...)

A what??????

[2D8HP]

Nah. An underground wizard-artiste and a wizard-scientist would get involved, but all the real work of the revolution would be done by the tough workers of the Hogwarts Express.


Now that's a book I want to read!

Also this easily my favorite thread now.

[Eldan]

Now that's a book I want to read!

Also this easily my favorite thread now.

Read some Miéville, then. He's really quite good

(Well, mostly. I thought Kraken was mediocre, but fun, Railsea was weird and kinda bad and The City & THe City just boring.)

[2D8HP]

Read some Miéville, then. He's really quite good

(Well, mostly. I thought Kraken was mediocre, but fun, Railsea was weird and kinda bad and The City & THe City just boring.) I've only read the City & The City of his which was OK, but not one of my favorite's, what do you recommend?

Oh yeah, if Charles Schultz wrote Harry Potter, then Harry would never get to be with Ginny.

:frown:

[Eldan]

His Magnum Opus, at least so far, is the world of Bas-Lag, which consists of three weighty books that are loosely connected. It's a high-ish fantasy world of city states separated by continent's worth of supremely dangerous magical territory and magical middle of the 20th century technology. Featuring occasional body horror, fascist governments, communist revolutions, robot uprisings, interdimensional god-spiders, pirate nations, apocalyptic magic and trains.

Start with Perdido Street Station, which is about a scientist, an artiste and their friends getting trapped in between gangsters, a revolution and a dictatorial government's secret police.

If you want something shorter, I can't recommend Embassytown enough, which is very good high-concept sci fi about humanity's attempts to communicate with aliens.

[2D8HP]

His Magnum Opus, at least...


Thanks!
Very much!

[GloatingSwine]

If you want to know what Harry Potter by way of China Mieville would be like, read Un Lun Dun.

[pendell]

If TSR/Wizards of the Coast paid for the HP series, it would start off with a bang but end in a stalemate with Voldemort very much alive. After all, the exercise is not so much to tell a story as it is to set up a campaign setting in which adventures can take place.

Porting the HP magic system to Vancian magic will be the cause of many ulcers amongst the writing staff, however.

Likewise, if LucasArts added HP to their EU series, it would start off with a really solid set of books featuring a muggle villain who nonetheless leads the Death Eaters to almost-victory by dent of superior tactics and strategy, in the process making Voldemort look like a total idiot.

After the initial books, the series will rapidly go crazy as lesser authors chip in, resulting in a Death Eater superweapon per week and crazily increasing wizard power levels, until the wizards use actual planets as the snitch in their quidditch games.

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Frozen_Feet]

Well, I have a new author to read, seemingly.

Meanwhile, if Tolkien wrote Harry Potter ...


... it would be three times as long as it currently is.

... the books would be 20% longer to account for travel sequences , most of which is Ron moaning about how hungry they are.

... The book would have a song inserted inline approximately every three chapters. Even the Death Eaters would have their own particular song and dance number, making the eventual creation of "Harry Potter: The musical" much easier.

... The journey into the Forbidden Forest would be interrupted by a multi-chapter vignette in which Harry interacts with a character from another of Tolkien's stories whom he nonetheless found a way to smuggle in.

... Rather than faux-latin, the spells cast would be in an entirely new invented language, based on Finnish roots and 'aged' in a different direction by a skilled linguist.

... For that matter, the house elves, the goblins of Gringots, and the Death Eaters would all have their own fully realized languages.

... The end of book 7 would contain a series of appendices detailing the lineage of all the Wizarding houses, including Harry Potter's descent straight back to Merlin, a comprehensive history of Magical Britain including a yearly chronology, and extensive writings on the culture and history of each of the magical races.

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

You forgot something:

Harry Potter wouldn't have been Tolkien's main work; the first book was something he came up with to amuse his children, and after unexpected commercial success he wrote the sequels for money due to a suggestion by his publisher.

Tolkien himself considered Tales of Beedle the Bard to be his major work: a collection of fictional fairytales meant to serve as a new mythological history for Britain's people and their relations with witchcraft.

Too bad he never finished it; after his death, his son Cristopher gathered up the most complete versions of all the stories and published the compendium under the pen name Dumbledore, with commentary on the meaning and history of the tales.

Earlier drafts and Tolkien's correspondance continue to be published in a series called Encyclopedia of Witchcraft, which has twelve part by now.

Also, everyone would think Harry Potter is an allegory for the second World War, an interpretation Tolkien himself hated and argued against.

[Lord Raziere]

If Jim Butcher wrote Harry Potter, Harry would be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, a cynic who has dealt with celebrity nonsense his whole life, and fights evil because he wishes to be respected for what he does not his birth, but mostly to get paid. He'd randomly remark upon the beauty of Hermoine and other women, hate his scar, and magic would obey simple but consistent rules, there would be real action scenes in each book, Harry would use a gun sometimes because you can't wands to solve everything, Hermoine would be a total badass, and Voldemort would be genre-savvy up the wazoo and far more terrifying.

Also, Harry would be the snarkiest being on the face of the planet.

[Eldan]

I've read at least two fanfics were Harry Dresden was fired as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts.

[Lord Raziere]

I've read at least two fanfics were Harry Dresden was fired as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts.

......Figures he can't get a steady job, even in the world of fan-fic :smalltongue:

[Lethologica]

......Figures he can't get a steady job, even in the world of fan-fic :smalltongue:
TBH Eldan probably meant to write 'hired', but given the curse, it amounts to the same thing.

[Lord Raziere]

TBH Eldan probably meant to write 'hired', but given the curse, it amounts to the same thing.

Oh I know that he meant hired, I was just joking around.

[Eldan]

He may have been fired in one for bringing a gun to school and burning a class room down. I don't quite remember.

[Kantaki]

He may have been fired in one for bringing a gun to School

Absolutely reasonable. Can't teach those kids alternatives to magic. They might start to think. They might even try to change the (magic) world.
I mean first they use muggle methods to defend themselves against the forces of darkness and next?
They could solve everyday problems with mundane means. And where is the point in being a wizard/witch then?


and burning a class room down. I don't quite remember.

Unreasonable. Completely unreasonable. Every second first year at that school has done worse. Most of the older students did worse. And the teachers? Burning down a classroom pales in comparison.

[Eldan]

He also called Voldemort "Lord Woddle-Moddle" and tried to give lip to McGonnagall.

[Kantaki]

He also called Voldemort "Lord Woddle-Moddle" and tried to give lip to McGonnagall.

So he got fired for being awesome?:smallbiggrin:
Okay, the second one is somewhat suicidal, but still awesome.

[Flickerdart]

If Jim Butcher wrote Harry Potter, Harry would be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, a cynic who has dealt with celebrity nonsense his whole life, and fights evil because he wishes to be respected for what he does not his birth, but mostly to get paid. He'd randomly remark upon the beauty of Hermoine and other women, hate his scar, and magic would obey simple but consistent rules, there would be real action scenes in each book, Harry would use a gun sometimes because you can't wands to solve everything, Hermoine would be a total badass, and Voldemort would be genre-savvy up the wazoo and far more terrifying.

Also, Harry would be the snarkiest being on the face of the planet.

I started reading this, but got sidetracked because in my head old + cynical immediately became Doctor Gregory House. And having Hugh Laurie play adult Harry Potter would be the best thing ever.

[DomaDoma]

If Brian Jacques wrote Harry Potter...

-The minor Slytherins and Death Eaters would all be Cockneys.
-The minor Order of the Phoenix members would all talk like RAF stereotypes.
-The Weasley Twins would easily supplant Hermione for the Obvious MVP Award. Cheek is an invaluable asset to victory.
-The Hufflepuffs would give off a vaguely Communist vibe.
-The major feasts would, indeed, take pages, and house-elf liberation at Hogwarts is not even remotely an issue.
-Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor and the Order all have separate war cries, and they will all get a chance to shine together towards the end of the volume.
-Unity with Slytherin would not even be brought up; Snape would be a bad 'un who spent a decade and a bit on the wagon before falling off again. (Slughorn can be a "bird" character.)
-Honestly, I can't see the Sirius Black scenario happening at all. There is a tacit understanding that only whiners and "foxes" are traitors, and guess what, we have a whiner.
-There would be a scene in every book where Harry must forge a difficult bond with a vital but annoying character who talks really fast.
-There is no fear of Voldemort's name. This is because Brian Jacques is way too fond of invoking it. Voldemort! Voldemort the Deathless! Exclamation point!
-Neville is a late-blooming "badger" type. Not only does he throw defiance in Voldemort's face, he absolutely hulks out and turns the tide all by himself.
-Dumbledore, and all four Founders, would be inordinately fond of poetry.


If David Weber wrote Harry Potter, all current or former members of Slytherin would be stripped of any redeeming qualities or backstory justifications for their mustache-twirling villainy. Right before each climactic showdown with Voldemort, we would first be treated to a chapter-length infodump regarding the specific details and extensive history of some aspect of magic or wizarding culture tangentially related to the events going on. Each book would introduce a new group of intriguing and fleshed-out side characters who would die horribly aiding Harry against Voldemort somehow. Harry would be heavily outnumbered by Voldemort and his Death eaters in every confrontation, only to win by using a brand-new and incredibly powerful spell Hermione had spent the rest of the book researching for him. Every book would end with Harry suffering some crippling physical mutilation or psychological trauma (likely related to the sacrifice of said side characters), and the next book would begin after he was fully healed and given some sort of award or power upgrade.

Love it.

Adding: Harry would, somehow, be more flabbergasted by the accolades than he already is.




(Thanks, Brian, for reminding me of that reading I need to get done...)

[Rater202]

If Tite Kubo had written Harry Potter, there would have been a bigger focus on accidental magic and the mystery of it furing Harry's childhood with the Dursleys, Voldemort would only be hinted at eary on only to retunr in a big eay in the Final Arc, there would have been an Arc at Durmstum(SP) that was basically a rehashing of the Arc at Hogwarts but much longer due to executive meddling, and the Final Arc would have picked up on a lot of forshadowing from earlier but have a rushed an unsatisfying end becuase the Exectuvies would have slapped a deadline on it.

Also, the outfits would be Fabulous.

[Fri]

If (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_disputes_over_the_Harry_Potter_series#Nancy_ Stouffer) Nancy Stouffer had written Harry Potter the story would have been about post apocalyptical world, where the main character would have twin brother and they'll be sent drifting to the sea to escape war. The main characters would be adopted by muggles, who instead of people without magical power they'd be somewhat non-sensical magical creatures. Also the main character wouldn't be named Harry, he'd be named Rah. And there won't actually be any hogwarts, magical school, or wizardry at all in fact.

[Agrippa]

How about if Christopher McCulloch and Doc Hammer had written Harry Potter? Or perhaps Quentin Tarantino or Adam Reed? I'm not quite sure how to answer those so I'll just leave them as questions.

[Razade]

I'd watch a Tarantino Harry Potter. Or a Guy Ritchie Harry Potter.

[The Glyphstone]

if Quentin Tarantino wrote Harry potter, every third word of dialogue would start with "F*" or "N*".

[Razade]

if Quentin Tarantino wrote Harry potter, every third word of dialogue would start with "F*" or "N*".

That's only really current post-Django Tarantino. His earlier stuff is far more measured.

Invariably it would start with Harry standing over Voldemort's body and then through various cuts and long tangets we'd get a story of Harry, a young but poor wizard, who ran afoul of some criminal element within Wizarding society was almost killed and left for death. Now with a prominent scar, he runs through the large number of henchpeople that Voldomort has or currently employed until we finally get to the final duel. Magic is far more visceral with gallons of blood for each spell cast, Harry has sex with at least two prostitutes, there's a lot more cursing and neither Ron or Hermonie show up in any appreciable way. Draco is the second to last person Harry butchers, the fight is long and gritty and comes only after Draco has buried Harry alive. Where we'll get a sudden genre change of Harry studying magic in the wild west or something by Sam Jackson, who will flash his penis to the audience. Oh, and all the Death Eaters would be Nazi's. And Christoph Waltz would be playing Voldemort.

[Fri]

Guy Ritchie's Harry Potter would be a stylish heist movie about Harry who's blackmailed or subtly threathened by Dumbledore and he recruits Hermione and Ron to steal the philosopher stone. They will be have plans revolving on each of their strength where Hermione will be the brain, Ron will be the muscle, and Harry be the charisma who con Neville and a few others to help with their heist plan. At the end it will all go to hell and they'll be cornered in a surprising twist that Quirrel is Voldemort, with flashback scenes showing things we missed that hinted about that.

Only for Harry to smirk and a cool song to play and the movie shows that Harry had planned for this.

[Scarlet Knight]

If Victor Hugo had written Harry Potter:
The scene where Hermione is hiding from the troll in the bathroom would be preceded by a 50 page treatise on Hogwarts sanitation. Harry would be thrown into Azkaban for 20 years for underage wizardry. After being released he would save Voldemort's life and cause him to commit suicide rather than owe his life to a criminal.

Also, Neville would be a hideous hunchback, raised by the Malfoys when orphaned.

Lucius Malfoy would hate the Weasley's for being poor gypsies while secretly lusting after Ginny.

The house elves would have a secret court below Diagon Alley.

Cedrick Diggory would be the Captain of the Guard instead of the Quidditch team, but still get killed.

Bellatrix would marry Monsieur Thenardier just so Helen Bonham Carter could keep her roles straight...

[khadgar567]

On if jim butcher write harry pother series we probably have more intrigue and atleast half of the books is kinda trash but voldy either dies in first book thanks to dressden ot have a year of ruling hogswards

[Tiktakkat]

Edgar Rice Burroughs

"Harry Potter, late of Hogwart's, where he had been a Prefect during the recent unpleasantness between House Gryffindor and House Slytherin, flew through the thin air astride his broom, propelled by the marvelous 8th Barsoomian Ray, which conventional scientists have not yet discovered but which wizards have long known about. He was naked except for his fighting harness, and armed only with his wand, which was made with many strange components, the most important of which, based on his descriptions, I believe to be radium unobtanium, whose properties have only recently been investigated by science. With him was his faithful companion Ron Arthur, a Redhead of Barsoom, that most noble race of stature and intellect of the lost and dying wizardly realm known as Barsoom, along with Ron Arthur's spouse, the brilliant inventor and traveler, Hermione of Jasoom, what the Barsoomian wizards call the scientific realm of Earth, who had developed the Granger Device in order to communicate with, and eventually associate herself with completely, the wizards of Barsoom."

Herewith follows a series of seven books, each with the same story structure, varying only in proper names used, and with some following the adventures of the descendants of Harry Potter.

[Kalmageddon]

If Iain M. Banks had written Harry Potter...

The wizarding world would be run by a benevolent council of omnipotent mages
The bad guys would be muggles that envy the utopian wizarding world but would never come close to actually being any sort of threat. They would also eat babies, probably after doing unspeakable things to them.
The entire story would follow a protagonist whose actions are actually guided and manipulated by the omnipotent council of mages.
In the wizarding world, social taboos no longer exist. Magic takes care of every unplesantess that might result. The Weasleys would be getting it on constantly with eachother and find a way to playfully bring Harry into it as well.
Each book would be pretty much self contained, with only vague allusions to what happened in the previous books.

[Aedilred]

If Iain M. Banks had written Harry Potter...

The wizarding world would be run by a benevolent council of omnipotent mages
The bad guys would be muggles that envy the utopian wizarding world but would never come close to actually being any sort of threat. They would also eat babies, probably after doing unspeakable things to them.
The entire story would follow a protagonist whose actions are actually guided and manipulated by the omnipotent council of mages.
In the wizarding world, social taboos no longer exist. Magic takes care of every unplesantess that might result. The Weasleys would be getting it on constantly with eachother and find a way to playfully bring Harry into it as well.
Each book would be pretty much self contained, with only vague allusions to what happened in the previous books.

He's written books that aren't Culture-based, you know :smalltongue:

[DomaDoma]

If Katherine Kurtz had written Harry Potter, the whole thing would be about the Muggles, despite stern political efforts to prevent this, continually lapsing back into witch-burning like it's meth. Safe to say that "acceptance of death" would not be a big theme, either.

[Razade]

If Katherine Anderson had written Harry Potter it would have been a single book with Harry moving through the Wizarding World and thwarting several plots against him while we're introduced to tons of other characters that could have whole book series written about them and in the last chapter we're told Harry went on to have a great schooling at Hogwarts and then the book is over. There'd also be a whole language invented and used but never really explained so we're never sure exactly what is being talked about half the time.

[shadow_archmagi]

If Aasimov had written Harry Potter, then Harry would collapse under the pressure of being the Chosen One, and retire to running a small soup deli. Dumbledore assures everyone that everything is under control, and as the greatest wizard ever, he has some extremely powerful magic up his sleeve.

Voldemort, unable to locate the Chosen One, assumes Harry is working on some master plan to steal all the Horcruxes at once, and grows increasingly paranoid, accusing his followers of sheltering Harry. Attacked by their own leadership, the Death Eaters schism and fall to civil war with no clear successor.

Dumbledore reveals this was the plan all along, and the real magic is social engineering.

[pendell]

If Isaac Asimov had written Harry Potter, the story would open in the time of Merlin; Merlin and the various wizards would foresee the total destruction of the wizarding world, and come up with a thousand-year plan to preserve and protect it.

The plan would fail several hundred years on due to the existence of Voldemort , who as a muggle-wizard being is a 'mutant', outside their predictive capabilities and outside the specs of normal wizard.

This would necessitate the existence of the 'Order of the Phoenix' hastily written in to cover this plothole. Harry and friends, as servants of the Plan, will confront Voldemort in an effort to steer history back onto its predetermined path. Voldemort would not be physically killed, but would instead be psychologically broken in a mental/emotional duel. And in that moment of weakness, he would be Imperioused. Not 'Imperioused' in the sense of being fully and permanently under someone else's control; 'Imperioused' in that his personality and thought patterns would be subtly altered.

Voldemort would emerge from that meeting with his power intact, but henceforth his actions would be towards preserving the wizarding world, rather than covering the world in a second darkness. When he dies and his empire falls apart without him to hold it together, the Order will continue to watch from the shadows, ready to intervene again should it be necessary.

This would be a hallmark of the series; violence would hardly ever be used to solve problems or defeat villains. Instead, the Order would use a combination of clever diplomacy, manipulation, outright lies, and at times a religion made-up for the purpose of dominating those susceptible to such things. But physical violence? Never. "Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent" will be a credo put in Dumbledore's mouth.

Also magic robots.


Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Alabenson]

If Stan Lee had written Harry Potter Dumbledore would have recruited Harry to Hogwarts to be trained as a wizard so that he could protect the world of muggles that hate and fear him. The dress code for Hogwarts would be less dark robes and more colorful spandex. Voldemort would now be a former friend of Dumbledore's that broke with him over the belief that muggles and wizards could never peacefully coexist.

[solidork]

Honestly though, a GRRM style treatment of the First Wizarding War would be pretty amazing.

[hamishspence]

Voldemort would now be a former friend of Dumbledore's that broke with him over the belief that muggles and wizards could never peacefully coexist.

Well, there is Grindelwald...

[Kitten Champion]

If Stan Lee had written Harry Potter Dumbledore would have recruited Harry to Hogwarts to be trained as a wizard so that he could protect the world of muggles that hate and fear him. The dress code for Hogwarts would be less dark robes and more colorful spandex. Voldemort would now be a former friend of Dumbledore's that broke with him over the belief that muggles and wizards could never peacefully coexist.

He did write Doctor Strange though. Make Strange a teenager and add some X-Men-like school stuff (later, by a different writer) and you're mostly there.

[Scarlet Knight]

If Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote Harry Potter:

I finished my rounds and headed home to 221B Grimmauld Place. When I entered, I could hear the scraping of a violin from upstairs. Kreacher was carrying down a tray .
“Dr. Potter. Your Mudblood’s not eating again ….sir.”
“Don’t worry, Kreacher, I’ll take it up”. When I entered, I realized the room was thick with smoke from a brazier. Scrolls were everywhere, and in the center of it all, sat Hermione, reading and absentmindedly playing her violin. Coughing, I quickly crossed the room and opened the windows. “Hermione! I do wish you’d take better care of yourself ...and this place. Are those new scorch marks?”
“Ah, Potter, good to see you! I’ve been reading your story about the Giant Giant of Sumatra. I must say I disapprove of you publishing it.”
“You may be right Hermione; the world may not be ready. Here, I brought you food. You must keep up your strength at least.” I noticed Hermione, reading , then tossing aside a copy of the Daily Prophet.
“I cannot , and we must leave at once. Summon Inspector Weasley! The game is afoot!”
“What is it Hermione? Is Professor Voldemort at large?” Hermione stared at me, then chuckled.
“Once again, Potter, you hear but do not listen. I said the game. Victor Krum is in town and you know how I detest missing the opening whistle for a Quidditch match.”

[JoshL]

Stan Lee would also use alliterative names. It would probably be Peter Potter (or at least, Perry Potter). He would hide his identity as the chosen one. At least one of his friends would go darkside.

[Traab]

If Sun Tzu had written the harry potter books, the first half would have been spent critiquing the shoddy tactics of the order of the phoenix and using them as an example to display how to not win a war. The second half would have had harry putting together his own order of students and crushing voldemort with incredible displays of tactics and strategy. We would get loving depictions of immensely powerful death eaters and voldemort himself being led about by the nose like a bull by a matador as harrys student order wore him down through clever ambushes and guerilla tactics.

[Sermil]

If Robert Heinlein had written Harry Potter early in his career, it would have stuck firmly to the early-adult style and tone of the first half of the first book and never gotten dark. Hijinks would have been a big focus. Voldemort would have been even more of a mustache-twirling villain, and Draco would have realized halfway through that Harry was great and become his biggest supporter. Dumbledore would be a great mentor mostly because of his service in the last Wizarding War which gave him a real appreciation of magical combat tactics. The whole thing would be under 150 pages.

If Robert Heinlein had written Harry Potter late in his career, the only working form of magic would have been tantric magic. Increasing your power would require removing more and more of your, um, inhibitions; a truly powerful wizard is one willing to do it anywhere anytime. Harry would only gain the power to defeat Voldemort after he summoned the ghost of his mother, in solid fleshy form, and, um, resolved his Oedipus complex in a novel way.

Oh, and the Church of England would make many more appearances, mostly to be mocked for its unenlightened attitude towards magic and wizards and anything else; the main enemy would be Bishop Voldemort, not Lord Voldemort.

[dps]

I think the answer to "how does King write so many books" is the vast majority of them aren't very good. Putting out a lot of books is an accomplishment only in output. Says nothing of quality.

The first 25 books of John Norman's Gor stories came out in a 22-year period. Just saying.

[SaintRidley]

If Aasimov had written Harry Potter, then Harry would collapse under the pressure of being the Chosen One, and retire to running a small soup deli. Dumbledore assures everyone that everything is under control, and as the greatest wizard ever, he has some extremely powerful magic up his sleeve.

Voldemort, unable to locate the Chosen One, assumes Harry is working on some master plan to steal all the Horcruxes at once, and grows increasingly paranoid, accusing his followers of sheltering Harry. Attacked by their own leadership, the Death Eaters schism and fall to civil war with no clear successor.

Dumbledore reveals this was the plan all along, and the real magic is social engineering.


You and pendell forgot a much increased focus on commenting on the shapeliness of Hermione's butt every time she arrives on scene in the later books.

[pendell]

If Gary Gygax had consulted on the Sorcerer's Stone, the series would end in the first book, because a GG-designed series of challenges for the stone would have killed everyone, heroes and villains alike.

Voldemort-Quirrell would have got further than most since he would use DADA students as disposable minions to find and trigger the traps, but ultimately the demilich at the end would still wipe him from existence.

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Misery Esquire]

If Gary Gygax had consulted on the Sorcerer's Stone, the series would end in the first book, because a GG-designed series of challenges for the stone would have killed everyone, heroes and villains alike.

Voldemort-Quirrell would have got further than most since he would use DADA students as disposable minions to find and trigger the traps, but ultimately the demilich at the end would still wipe him from existence.

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

Orb of Annihilation instead of something to drink in the potion bottle gets them every time? :smalltongue:

[Benthesquid]

If K.A. Applegate had written Harry Potter (Challenge mode, Animagi don't play a major role)-

Dumbledore dies in the process of bringing Harry Potter to Hogwarts.

Percy Weasley is possessed by Death-Eaters sometime around Book 1. Ron cannot tell anyone without endangering himself and the others.

While maintaining cover as a normal Hogwarts student, Harry leads a small band of students on a guerilla war against Voldemort, who is possessing Quirrel, a once great Auror.

The House-Elves are probably capable of ending the war overnight, but have geased themselves as a race into maintaining pacifism. The one time Dobby breaks this geas, the results are horrifying to himself and everyone around him. He does provide substantial support to Harry however.

Voldemort apparently spends all his time not on-page looking up stranger and more bizarre magical techniques to unleash on his enemies each time they confront each other. Each is used exactly once.

Neville turns out to be uncomfortably good at combat magic. He sometimes worries that he's becoming nothing but a Death-Eater killing machine.

At the end of the series, the characters who are not dead are traumatized by the war. Hermione leaves wizarding society to live with the house-elves. Harry is on trial for war crimes after blowing up a Death-Eater hospital, during which action Neville died. Luna gave the Philosopher Stone to Lucius Malfoy in an attempt to cure Dementors of their Horror Hunger and her old comrades no longer trust her. Ron can't forgive Harry for ordering Percy's assassination.

[Traab]

Orb of Annihilation instead of something to drink in the potion bottle gets them every time? :smalltongue:

The orb was in the mirror. Turns out the treasure was actually hidden in a small nonmagical alcove with a fake rock covering it.

[Misery Esquire]

The orb was in the mirror. Turns out the treasure was actually hidden in a small nonmagical alcove with a fake rock covering it.

Could be both.

Could be everything!

(The Mirror was much better than my joke, though.)

[Mr. E]

If Robert Heinlein had written Harry Potter early in his career, it would have stuck firmly to the early-adult style and tone of the first half of the first book and never gotten dark. Hijinks would have been a big focus. Voldemort would have been even more of a mustache-twirling villain, and Draco would have realized halfway through that Harry was great and become his biggest supporter. Dumbledore would be a great mentor mostly because of his service in the last Wizarding War which gave him a real appreciation of magical combat tactics. The whole thing would be under 150 pages.

If Robert Heinlein had written Harry Potter late in his career, the only working form of magic would have been tantric magic. Increasing your power would require removing more and more of your, um, inhibitions; a truly powerful wizard is one willing to do it anywhere anytime. Harry would only gain the power to defeat Voldemort after he summoned the ghost of his mother, in solid fleshy form, and, um, resolved his Oedipus complex in a novel way.

Oh, and the Church of England would make many more appearances, mostly to be mocked for its unenlightened attitude towards magic and wizards and anything else; the main enemy would be Bishop Voldemort, not Lord Voldemort.

If it was early enough Robert A. Heinlein, the death eaters would actually be allies of Harry and Dumbledore, with Cornelius Fudge's People's Republic of Magic Users being the true threat. Hogwarts would be inexplicably be a highly regulated military academy with companies and platoons instead of houses, and professor Snape would teach History and Moral Philosophy. McGonagall would be addressed as Sarge by all the students, and the students would learn small unit tactics and weapons operation in Defence Against the Dark Arts.

[Eldan]

The orb was in the mirror. Turns out the treasure was actually hidden in a small nonmagical alcove with a fake rock covering it.

Though there's a second nonmagical alcove just opposite it, in which the Demilich Nicholas Flamel is hiding.

[Traab]

Though there's a second nonmagical alcove just opposite it, in which the Demilich Nicholas Flamel is hiding.

With its hiding place just SLIGHTLY askew so its the first thing a spot check detects. Double bluff. The obviously magical mirror is there to be the obvious trap. You spot the hidden alcove and think yourself clever then BLAM! Demilich to the face.

[Rockphed]

If Isaac Asimov had written Harry Potter with his second wife, Janet, Harry's guardian would have been his older brother, Barn. The books would start with Harry flunking out of school because he could not learn to speak Goblin properly. Barn would be an out-of-work, Hogwart's-dropout, drifter with poor impulse control and zero attention span. In order to get Harry back into Hogwarts he has to buy a house-elf to teach him Goblin. Dobby and Harry become fast friends. Voldemort the Vicious (who Dobby insults mercilously) would be defeated at the end of the first book when Dobby's teleport mis-fires causing him and Harry to arrive 10 feet in the air and land on Voldemort. The rest of the books involve Dobby slowly discovering he has more, and weirder, powers, including being able to gain nourishment from teleporting, going back in time, and discovering that he is not really an elf, but actually some weird elf/human humunculous created from the blood of the father he remembers and the mangled body of a small child. Eventually we meet both sets of parents.

I could go on, but I think I am starting to squick myself out.

[pendell]

If Isaac Asimov had written Harry Potter with his second wife, Janet, Harry's guardian would have been his older brother, Barn. The books would start with Harry flunking out of school because he could not learn to speak Goblin properly. Barn would be an out-of-work, Hogwart's-dropout, drifter with poor impulse control and zero attention span. In order to get Harry back into Hogwarts he has to buy a house-elf to teach him Goblin. Dobby and Harry become fast friends. Voldemort the Vicious (who Dobby insults mercilously) would be defeated at the end of the first book when Dobby's teleport mis-fires causing him and Harry to arrive 10 feet in the air and land on Voldemort. The rest of the books involve Dobby slowly discovering he has more, and weirder, powers, including being able to gain nourishment from teleporting, going back in time, and discovering that he is not really an elf, but actually some weird elf/human humunculous created from the blood of the father he remembers and the mangled body of a small child. Eventually we meet both sets of parents.

I could go on, but I think I am starting to squick myself out.

Joke's sailing over my head. Are you referring to the later Foundation books


When Daneel Olivaw mutates from relatively ordinary robot to demigod who is secretly responsible for ten thousand years of history?



Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Kalmageddon]

With its hiding place just SLIGHTLY askew so its the first thing a spot check detects. Double bluff. The obviously magical mirror is there to be the obvious trap. You spot the hidden alcove and think yourself clever then BLAM! Demilich to the face.

"BLAM! Demilich to the face" is now my favourite out of context quote, that I will try to sneak in everyday conversation at every chance I get.

[2D8HP]

BLAM! Demilich to the face...

:biggrin:
Sig-worthy!

[Rockphed]

Joke's sailing over my head. Are you referring to the later Foundation books


When Daneel Olivaw mutates from relatively ordinary robot to demigod who is secretly responsible for ten thousand years of history?



Respectfully,

Brian P.

Nope, a series of children's books, written about one Jeff Wells, his robot Norby, brother Fargo, and sundry other characters. The first book is "Norby the Mixed-Up Robot" (https://www.amazon.com/Norby-Mixed-Up-Robot-Childrens-Classics/dp/0486472434/ref=pd_sim_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0486472434&pd_rd_r=8ZWZPZTPZ65V620TFMQR&pd_rd_w=ZrTFz&pd_rd_wg=SkgqZ&psc=1&refRID=8ZWZPZTPZ65V620TFMQR)

[pendell]

Nope, a series of children's books, written about one Jeff Wells, his robot Norby, brother Fargo, and sundry other characters. The first book is "Norby the Mixed-Up Robot" (https://www.amazon.com/Norby-Mixed-Up-Robot-Childrens-Classics/dp/0486472434/ref=pd_sim_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0486472434&pd_rd_r=8ZWZPZTPZ65V620TFMQR&pd_rd_w=ZrTFz&pd_rd_wg=SkgqZ&psc=1&refRID=8ZWZPZTPZ65V620TFMQR)

...

Well, in my personal universe, those books do not exist.

:sticks fingers in ears:

LALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Tongue-in-cheek ,

Brian P.

[Rockphed]

...

Well, in my personal universe, those books do not exist.

:sticks fingers in ears:

LALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Tongue-in-cheek ,

Brian P.

I'll admit that they have serious plot-holes. And their time-travel induces extreme fridge-logic. And I'm pretty sure the setting falls apart as soon as you touch it. But I'm not sure I would deny their existence. What do you find so vomitously wrong with them?

[pendell]

I'll admit that they have serious plot-holes. And their time-travel induces extreme fridge-logic. And I'm pretty sure the setting falls apart as soon as you touch it. But I'm not sure I would deny their existence. What do you find so vomitously wrong with them?

I literally haven't read them; that's why I say they don't exist in my universe. I'm familiar with a lot of Asimov's work -- Foundation, Robots, much of his other work. But I haven't really encountered "Norby the Mixed-up Robot" before.

Having read your description, I can pretty well guess why :smallamused:

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Rockphed]

I literally haven't read them; that's why I say they don't exist in my universe. I'm familiar with a lot of Asimov's work -- Foundation, Robots, much of his other work. But I haven't really encountered "Norby the Mixed-up Robot" before.

Having read your description, I can pretty well guess why :smallamused:

Respectfully,

Brian P.

They are children's/young adult novels. I think I read them when I was 9. So, if you have 8 - 12 year olds who need a book to read and you want to introduce them to sci-fi, Norby is a contender.

[pendell]

I'll keep that in mind, thanks! :smallsmile:

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[pendell]

Meanwhile ...

If Tom Clancy had written Harry Potter, he would crib the plot of "Red Storm Rising" and replace the Russian politburo with Voldemort and his council of death eaters. Wizards not having guns would be a total non-starter; in point of fact it would be a lovingly researched portrait of a modern army, with intelligently-used wizardly buffs and support, blowing through the Death eaters, the goblins, and everyone else like a bowling ball through tissue paper.

Later, he would sell the rights to a video game company who would crank out FPS versions of the franchise with names like Counterstrike or Wizard Team Six for decades. Rowling would be appalled, but adolescent males would be having too much fun head-shotting each other with avaracadavra to care :smallamused:

...

I might actually pay money for such a game.

Tongue-in-cheek,

Brian P.

[Cazero]

If Victor Hugo had written Harry Potter:
The scene where Hermione is hiding from the troll in the bathroom would be preceded by a 50 page treatise on Hogwarts sanitation. Harry would be thrown into Azkaban for 20 years for underage wizardry. After being released he would save Voldemort's life and cause him to commit suicide rather than owe his life to a criminal.

Also, Neville would be a hideous hunchback, raised by the Malfoys when orphaned.

Lucius Malfoy would hate the Weasley's for being poor gypsies while secretly lusting after Ginny.

The house elves would have a secret court below Diagon Alley.

Cedrick Diggory would be the Captain of the Guard instead of the Quidditch team, but still get killed.

Bellatrix would marry Monsieur Thenardier just so Helen Bonham Carter could keep her roles straight...
Voldemort would be a much more ambiguous character whose entire "evil" stick is a reaction to society for wich we cannot truly blame him so Harry can plead against the death penalty of his mortal enemy. Voldemort still gets guillotined by the ministry.

[Alabenson]

If Akira Toriyama had written Harry Potter he'd have wanted to end it at book 7 but editorial mandates would have forced him to continue writing additional volumes featuring exponentially powerful dark wizards.

[Aotrs Commander]

If Akira Toriyama had written Harry Potter he'd have wanted to end it at book 7 but editorial mandates would have forced him to continue writing additional volumes featuring exponentially powerful dark wizards.

And it would have inspired an entirely unofficial shortened, relatively well-known parody fanfiction adaption that is even, in some ways (like pacing), better than source material...



If W. E. Johns had written Harry Potter, it would be a rollicking action series, which a good to fair grounding in technical accuracy (in which Hermione would have probably a smaller role), with some slightly-archaic-but-well-intentioned attitudes towards race and gender - dipping occasionally into hilarious-in-hindisght (in the "you couldn't possibly do that now" territory) racism with regard to the bad guys, except for the bits where Harry goes to Austraila and Borneo where is noit hilarious and one of the later books Harry goes through through very similar events to the latter, except not qutie as racist.

Inexplicably, octopuses and squid are frequently depicted as ferocious man-eatering semi-eldritch cratures entirely at odds with much of the rest of the tone of the series, capable of even coming onto land for some reason, to hunt for prey, such as when the Hogwarts Giant Squid nearly eats Harry and Ron when they take the flying automobile over the lake.

[Lethologica]

And it would have inspired an entirely unofficial shortened, relatively well-known parody fanfiction adaption that is even, in some ways (like pacing), better than source material...
Malfoy: "Harry...you are...the last remaining...Peverell...Oh God, you're the last remaining Peverell." *bleh*

[An Enemy Spy]

If Akira Toriyama had written Harry Potter he'd have wanted to end it at book 7 but editorial mandates would have forced him to continue writing additional volumes featuring exponentially powerful dark wizards.

Each wizard duel would span over five chapters and the final showdown with the villain of each book would take up half the pages. Harry and Draco would both keep unlocking new levels of power that quickly render the other characters superfluous to any battle.

[Rysto]

If Gen Urobuchi had written Harry Potter, the first few books would have been light and fluffy before Hagrid's brutally and graphic murder changes the tone of the entire series. Ron would become a Death Eater due to magic's inherently corrupting influence and Hermione would sacrifice herself to kill him. The final act would reveal that Dumbledore runs Hogwarts specifically to get people to learn magic and eventually become corrupted into Death Eaters. Harry himself would never perform any magic before the final book because Ginny is a time traveler who's desperately been trying to save Harry from that path.

[Traab]

Each wizard duel would span over five chapters and the final showdown with the villain of each book would take up half the pages. Harry and Draco would both keep unlocking new levels of power that quickly render the other characters superfluous to any battle.

By the final battle, Harry would be descended from merlin, a phoenix, all 4 founders, be the first male veela to ever exist, and through his relationship to Gaia, be able to draw on the full power of the earth. Draco on the other hand would turn out to be the distant descendant of various creatures of the outer paths. His powers drawn from the void between stars. It wont be until after Voldemort, who has forcibly merged himself with the personification of Eternity is defeated, that we will look back and realize just how bug eyed crazy the power creep has gotten over the years. "Hey, remember when harry got the elder wand and we thought the final battle was about to happen? Yeah, who would have thought that using the wand to kill its former master would create a backlash capable of destroying the wand, only to later learn its power merged with harry, starting this whole chain of events?"

[Rysto]

By the final battle, Harry would be descended from merlin, a phoenix, all 4 founders, be the first male veela to ever exist, and through his relationship to Gaia, be able to draw on the full power of the earth.

I think I've read this fanfic.

[Traab]

I think I've read this fanfic.

I have too, well, the gaia thing was from another fic. but yeah.

[Durkoala]

Each wizard duel would span over five chapters and the final showdown with the villain of each book would take up half the pages. Harry and Draco would both keep unlocking new levels of power that quickly render the other characters superfluous to any battle.

Neville's incredible power and destiny to defeat Voldemort will be teased frequently, but while he gets a few moments to be awesome, ultimately he'll be thrown aside and left out of the final confronation. In later materials, he'll be a shadow of his former self in and out of universe, although some fans will maintain that not being involved in the fighting and having a loving family is a perfectly happy ending for him.



By the final battle, Harry would be descended from merlin, a phoenix, all 4 founders, be the first male veela to ever exist, and through his relationship to Gaia, be able to draw on the full power of the earth. Draco on the other hand would turn out to be the distant descendant of various creatures of the outer paths. His powers drawn from the void between stars. It wont be until after Voldemort, who has forcibly merged himself with the personification of Eternity is defeated, that we will look back and realize just how bug eyed crazy the power creep has gotten over the years. "Hey, remember when harry got the elder wand and we thought the final battle was about to happen? Yeah, who would have thought that using the wand to kill its former master would create a backlash capable of destroying the wand, only to later learn its power merged with harry, starting this whole chain of events?"

This could also be the description for 'If Tite Kubo wrote Harry Potter'. :smalltongue:

[Traab]

Neville's incredible power and destiny to defeat Voldemort will be teased frequently, but while he gets a few moments to be awesome, ultimately he'll be thrown aside and left out of the final confronation. In later materials, he'll be a shadow of his former self in and out of universe, although some fans will maintain that not being involved in the fighting and having a loving family is a perfectly happy ending for him.




This could also be the description for 'If Tite Kubo wrote Harry Potter'. :smalltongue:

I will be honest, thats actually where I got the idea from, but in all seriousness, there is plenty of overlap between the manga writers of those series, so it works either way.

[khadgar567]

I dont think if hiro mishima wrote harry poter cuz a it gets worse each book and we often see hermonie and ginnie in problematic situations

[Flickerdart]

If Hirohiko Araki (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JoJo's_Bizarre_Adventure) wrote Harry Potter, after the second book, the established magic system would be completely ignored. Instead, everyone would duel exclusively by having their patronuses fight, while shouting loudly. Voldemort would be a vampire that hounds generation after generation of the Potter family.

[Traab]

If Kipling wrote the harry potter series, well first off it would be a bit more racist. But secondly, bellatrix would be in charge of the bad guys. After all, the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

[pendell]

If George Orwell had written Harry Potter, Harry would start off training for a job in the Ministry of Magic, rewriting history in the most literal sense via the use of time-turners. Every week he would participate in the Ten Minutes Hate , during which the students would be encouraged to scream abuse at Voldemort and adore Dumbledore.

He would develop a romantic relationship with Hermione, and eventually join an underground resistance movement which would, alas , prove to be a front set up by the Ministry to catch would-be dissenters such as himself. The climax of the story would have him in Room 101 reliving the worst minutes of his life -- when his mother died -- over and over again, until at last he screams out "Do it to Hermione!"

The end of the story would have him realizing that he loved both Dumbledore and the Ministry.

And Voldemort? An old revolutionary comrade of Dumbledore long since killed and un-personed.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Leewei]

If George Orwell had written Harry Potter, Harry would start off training for a job in the Ministry of Magic, rewriting history in the most literal sense via the use of time-turners. Every week he would participate in the Ten Minutes Hate , during which the students would be encouraged to scream abuse at Voldemort and adore Dumbledore.

He would develop a romantic relationship with Hermione, and eventually join an underground resistance movement which would, alas , prove to be a front set up by the Ministry to catch would-be dissenters such as himself. The climax of the story would have him in Room 101 reliving the worst minutes of his life -- when his mother died -- over and over again, until at last he screams out "Do it to Hermione!"

The end of the story would have him realizing that he loved both Dumbledore and the Ministry.

And Voldemort? An old revolutionary comrade of Dumbledore long since killed and un-personed.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

Nice! Oddly enough, I already read some 1984 in the Potter stories. Specifically, Umbridge's gleeful use of torture and anti-muggle propaganda in the Ministry of Magic seemed a shout out to the Ministry of Truth.

[pendell]

Nice! Oddly enough, I already read some 1984 in the Potter stories. Specifically, Umbridge's gleeful use of torture and anti-muggle propaganda in the Ministry of Magic seemed a shout out to the Ministry of Truth.

Yes, some definite thematic resemblances.

I would go a bit further: In this version of the story Dumbledore did not imprison Grimblewold. Instead, he and Grimblewold set up the perpetual war necessary for the continued existence of the Total State. So Magical Britain remains at war with Magical Europa; a war with no decisive victories or defeats, only continual carnage to justify the totalitarian systems put in place as an 'emergency measure'. It also proves a means of full employment since everyone is working full time to produce weapons of war which are destroyed as quickly as they are created.

It goes without saying that Muggles in this world are the slaves of the wizards. But then again, there are no really "free" people in this world, even in the Inner Party itself.

ETA: In point of fact this Is the world of 1984. It's just that in this world the muggle nations of Oceania, Eastasia, and Eurasia are simply puppets, manipulated by the true Inner Party in the shadows -- the wizards themselves. Big Brother is imperioused and is crying out on the inside at the horrors done in his name, but is powerless to do anything about it.

Respectfuly,

Brian P.

[SaintRidley]

I'm not sure in what version Dumbledore did kill Grindelwald, considering that it's Voldemort who does so in the 7th book.

[pendell]

I'm not sure in what version Dumbledore did kill Grindelwald, considering that it's Voldemort who does so in the 7th book.

Right; I'd forgot that specific plot point. I'll rewrite the post to say "imprisoned".

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Aedilred]

Nice! Oddly enough, I already read some 1984 in the Potter stories. Specifically, Umbridge's gleeful use of torture and anti-muggle propaganda in the Ministry of Magic seemed a shout out to the Ministry of Truth.

In the seventh film, where Harry and co. infiltrate the Ministry, that whole sequence is packed with references to Terry Gilliam's Brazil, a delightfully horrible dystopia. There's definitely something about Umbridge which is easy to paint in a very dystopian light.

[Scarlet Knight]

If Kipling wrote the harry potter series, well first off it would be a bit more racist. But secondly, bellatrix would be in charge of the bad guys. After all, the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

The Tales of Beedle the Bard would have such delightful little tales such as " How the Dark Lord Lost His Nose", "How the House Elf Got His Sock", and of course "How the Teacher in the Turban Got Two Faces"...

[Themrys]

If Mercedes Lackey had written Harry Potter, he would be called Mags.

Instead of being taken to live with his wizard-hating relatives for farfetched reasons, he would have been adopted by a man who wanted him to work as slave in a mine, but would still tell him that he has "bad blood" because he was found in a bandit camp.

He would have spent his childhood in the mines, to then be rescued by Hedwig, who would be a magical, sentient horse called Dallen. Dallen would have Chosen him to become a Herald, which is a kind of fighter, but one with a magic ability. His magic ability would be Mindspeak.

The school he would be brought to would be called a Collegium. There, he would get a normal education which he can actually use in the normal world (including maths and languages), plus fighting lessons. Hermione would be called Lena and would be an aspiring Bard (with magic abilities) and Ron and Neville would be one person, called Bear, and be a genius healer who really has no magical abilities and is therefore considered a disappointment by his Healer family.

Quidditch would be played on sentient magic horses, normal horses, and on foot, respectively, and be called Kirball. It would be just as dangerous, but with the good reason that the country needs to be prepared for a war and this generation will fight in it when they're adults.

Gilderoy Lockhart would be Lena's father and a Master Bard. His popularity would be due to actual musical talent and a magical talent which he can use to make people like him. He would also ignore Lena by the time he finally turns up, only using her to get close to Mags, who at this time would be the star of the Kirball team.



(Yes, that's an actual book. Very different setting, but the basic "mistreated child gets taken to a world full of magic where he's something special" plot is there.)

[Traab]

I dunno, there really arent that many parallels. Harry is the child of local heroes, mags is the child of runaway foreign assassins The magic/mind gift thing is legit but considering the path mags takes as opposed to harry, mags isnt even remotely close to a predestined hero for example, the mysteries he works on are just one among dozens as his fellows are actually quite competent and are taking care of their own thing.