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Vampire包子
2007-08-14, 10:05 AM
It's not just you.

What was it, New York and Connecticut? That's short distance by my standards; my previous girlfriend lived 10,000 miles away from me, my current one only 5000. We're trying to make sure we get to see each other twice a year, which is the most we can hope for. Hopefully in about two years we'll be able to move in together; a long time to wait when emotionally I feel quite ready to marry her tomorrow if I could.

So yes, it does take real commitment; if I wanted to, I probably could get together with someone else and do all the fun and intimate things you can do when you're together in real life sooner than the next time I'll see Valeran again. The reason I don't is that I feel sure she is right for me and I'd rather wait for her as long as it takes. And she's already waited for me for two years while I went through my previous relationship and its aftermath, so I have no doubts about her commitment.

So my advice is, weigh it up very carefully -- you'll be putting you and her through a lot of pain and difficulty, but if you really love each other, it can be worth it. Even if it doesn't work out, it can be worth it in the end, both because it was a good relationship while it lasted and because it's helped you grow up and understand things better. I certainly have no regrets about entering my first long-distance relationship, the one that didn't work out.


As another one in a long-distance relationship. I would like to agree with Mudbunny and Sir Norbert. Given your age, it is extremely unlikely to endure for long. As long as you keep realistic expectations, it can be a great experience, and you will learn a lot about yourself from it.
However, as you get older, and if you do get in a committed relationship, it takes a lot more commitment to make it work. It can work, as Mudbunny pointed out. My cousin married her boyfriend in February- they had been together for six years, and only been able to see each other for a third of that time. Two years together, four years apart. My girlfriend's visa expires once she finishes this degree, and then she's across the friggin' Pacific Ocean. Parents' permission to drive? International plane tickets are prohibitely expensive for young lovers, much more so than parental permission (add in the fact her parents are very traditional, don't speak a word of English , and aren't too keen on young Americans), and you have more than enough obstacles.
So, it really depends on how committed you are to your relationship. Mudbunny and others can testify to the benefits of a successful long-distance relationship, Sir Norbert to the benefits of an unsuccessful one. I would say that even if my relationship dies in the end, both of us will walk away very happy, having had the happiest years of our lives together, and having matured a lot for the effort we put into our relationship, preparing us much better for the future.

Really, at your age, what's there to lose? Just keep an open mind, be honest with the other person. Mudbunny is also right that at your age, if you set your expectations too high, and expect too much, you could be in for a world of emotional pain. At that age, it can be very hard to keep a level head, so it could be dangerous, or a wonderful experience, depending on how you approach it.
Sir Norbert essentially hit the nail on the head. At your age, I would probably err on the side of caution. Then again, at my age, I probably should have erred on the side of caution too, so I really have no right to lecture ;)

mudbunny
2007-08-14, 10:18 AM
So, it really depends on how committed you are to your relationship. Mudbunny and others can testify to the benefits of a successful long-distance relationship, Sir Norbert to the benefits of an unsuccessful one. I would say that even if my relationship dies in the end, both of us will walk away very happy, having had the happiest years of our lives together, and having matured a lot for the effort we put into our relationship, preparing us much better for the future.

Just a note, I am the one whose LDR didn't work.

That being said, I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I got a chance to go to Italy over christmas (Counting down to Y2K in Italian was very cool) to see my (then) girlfriend, where we spent 2 weeks together. People-watching (especially couple-watching) can give you lots of insights into others as well as yourself.

Cult_of_the_Raven
2007-08-14, 10:22 AM
yeah, I have no quarrel with that, Vampire. you're right. but in the end, i think that even if I end up ending my relationship (not something I have even remotely considered at all, by the way) I'll come out a stronger and happier person for the time we did spend together. and that's worth every penny. :smallbiggrin:

Last_resort_33
2007-08-14, 11:10 AM
yeah, I have no quarrel with that, Vampire. you're right. but in the end, i think that even if I end up ending my relationship (not something I have even remotely considered at all, by the way) I'll come out a stronger and happier person for the time we did spend together. and that's worth every penny. :smallbiggrin:

Applause!!!

and who knows... you could end up getting married (I'm just too excited about the wedding, I'm not gunna let it drop(or it would seem, write a post without mentioning it))

Syka
2007-08-14, 11:42 AM
On LDR's:


My first relationship was a LDR, about a thousand miles between us. The first year, we were only able to talk on the phone. After that, we saw each other twice a year: twoish weeks at Christmas, about 5 weeks over the summer (two and a half at each of our homes, Christmas' alternating). We were together nearly three and a half years. I was 16, him 15, when we got together. If not for some stuff that happened towards the end, I would be living with him right now, and quite possibly married. I'm not sure how much was distance and how much was the fact that neither of us had really dated outside each other that led to the downfall, but there is not a single person tht could try and tell me that we didn't love each other.

I would not trade those three years for ANYTHING. He taught me so much and I am thankful that I met him. Long distance is tough. I would not wish it on my worst enemy, but I would not hesitate to do it again. In fact, the guy I dated after him was technically long distance as I live three hours away at school for most of the year (break up for that was unrelated to the distance). I think at some point, every relationship should be long distance for at least 6 months. It teaches you to appreciate the person, you really get to know THEM, emotionally and mentally rather than just physically. And the time that you DO get to spend together is all that more precious. You learn to appreciate the other person. I'm going to go against what most of the others are saying and, even though you are young, etc, GO FOR IT. There isn't much to lose. A relationship that is physically closer is just as likely to hurt you...I'd venture to say, more likely almost. Worst comes to worst, you must have learned something from it.



On my own situation:

Jerkface, as he shall now be known, is well...a jerk. :smalltongue: We ended up getting together around 10.30 on Saturday night. Went to the beach, then back to his place. I eventually got the nerve to talk to him. He gave me some speil about how he's trying to figure out everything in his life, yada yada yada, and it would be better to just be friends for now, and maybe once he gets it figured out. So I asked him to not give me mixed signals (he knew right away what I was referring to, too), and he said ok. Yet, when I went to get out of the car when he dropped me off he asked for a hug.

Now, we were thinking about doing the beach Sunday. He said he would call whether or not he was able to do it, to let me know what was up. I made SURE that he meant he would call regardless of if we were going or not. I've learned with him, to make sure.

5 o'clock Sunday I knew I wasn't getting a call. Monday, I get online and he's on, and he doesn't send me anything and I signed off because I had stuff to do. At this point, I'm just thinking he can shove any idea of us EVER romantically being together can be shoved up his...*ahem* 8.14pm I get a text.

Him: Are we still on for tomorrow? (Note: Last week, he'd asked if I would be free on this Tuesday, today, and I said yes. So we were planning to go the the bookstore and get a book that had just been released. By this point, seeing as I hadn't heard from him in almost 48 hours, I decided I would not be wasting my vacation, and therefore made plans with my sister and a doctors appointment.)
Me:Can't have plans.
Him: Well you had plans with me first but whatever
Me: Why are you holding me to expectations that you don't hold yourself to?
Him: I don't when did I cancel plans on you?
Me: Hehe what about yesterday?
Him: I was recording all yesterday. (Note: He's in a band, and I knew they'd be in the city recording stuff this week but is he really going to try and say he couldn't take 5 minutes to text or call me letting me know we couldn't get together?)
Me: Yeah but you were supposed to call to let me know what was going on. I decided the other person was more reliable. (Note: Would I really be expected to think our plans were still on when I hadn't heard a peep out of him in days and he had decided to hang out with another friend who is local to him, rather than I who am just visiting home, on the day he'd said we'd hang out?)

So, I heard nothing after that and sent him the following message about half an hour ago:

I didn't mean to irritate or anger you last night, but you can't say I haven't told you about this. Back in May, after like the fourth time you didn't let me know plans were changing, you agreed that even if we had plans, I could make plans with other people if it came up, on the basis that you weren't reliable. Well, it came up so I decided that I didn't want to waste my vacation sitting at home.

I don't think it was wrong of me, given we hadn't talked since Saturday night, AND you decided to ditch me on Saturday to hang with a friend, who lives here so you have more chances to see him than me. Don't get me wrong, I understand you have other friends, but you'd been telling me we were going to hang out on Saturday.

If you want a list of the times you have canceled/changed plans without calling me, I can give you one.

If you still feel like hanging out, I should be free after 4. If I'm still home at 8 though, my mom and sister have said they have claim on me (that's for the rest of the week), so give me a call before than. If not, I guess we'll talk later.

Cheers,
Syka




So that is where that is right now. Saturday night I resolved to myself that nothing romantic will be between us again, namely to avoid myself getting hurt. By Sunday night/Monday morning, I've come to the conclusion that if we can't be friends, I can live with that. So his name from now on, is Jerkface. :smallwink:

...gah. You'd thinking living in a college town I'd have plenty to choose from. Oh well, it's a good thing I plan on staying single.



And as an aside, my sister and I were talking about unique weddings. I decided I want mine in a Firefly/Serenity theme. ;) As in, the bride's maids are female cast members, and the groomsmen are the males. Because Inara has all the pretty dresses, I decided I'd go with her, and my fiance would be Mal. Get a Shepard Book to be the priest*snick* As a female, I am allowed to jack my wedding planning, right?

Just kidding...Though I would seriously talk to my fiance about a Firefly/Serenity themed wedding...*needs a halo*

Cheers,
Syka

Dragonrider
2007-08-14, 11:54 AM
Aww, that's too bad, Syka. Sounds like you've pretty much got a handle on it, though. :smalltongue: So SUPPORT, YOU GO GIRL, STICK TO YOUR GUNS! ...and all that jazz.

As for the wedding....well, that would be pretty freaking awesome. :smallsmile:

Syka
2007-08-14, 12:00 PM
It took coming home to really admit it to myself. It helps that I have my mom and sister over here smacking sense into me. ;)

Surprisingly, the comic Something Positive has been helping. Last night after the Fight Via Text, the comic I had left off at was pretty relevant. It made me feel a lot better though.

"I can sum up what I've learned about life in three words. It goes on." Supposedly by Robert Frost, stolen from S*P.

Cheers,
Syka

Rykaj
2007-08-14, 02:00 PM
That's a shame Syka (even though you sound relieved!). I was wondering though, is the guy being inconsiderate out of himself or has he just never been romantically involved with a girl, a rookie in the field, so to say? Because he reminds me somewhat of how I was with my first serious girlfriend, even though right now I have no clue why I ever was like that. I now know what it stirs up in people and I just don't do it anymore. But does he know? Or is he really being an inconsiderate jerk just because he is?


Oh and


...gah. You'd thinking living in a college town I'd have plenty to choose from. Oh well, it's a good thing I plan on staying single.

I don't know about that hehe, you sound fun and people trying to stay single never succeed for long. You could of course try to be desperate if you want to stay single, that should turn the guys away :smallwink:

FdL
2007-08-14, 02:19 PM
"Friends with benefits"... :S That's a coward euphemisim for using someone to have sex without having the balls to get emotionally involved. As far as my experience and view of the world goes, it sucks. IMHO it can never work too well. The very nature of this concept is selfishness and volatility, with zero compromise and little respect, for you and the other one. Oh, I guess it works for some people, there's plenty of people who are different to me.


@Syka: Sadly, I saw this coming. I'm glad you realized what you think right now and got out of there before you got really hurt. Now think positive, you're better off leaving that guy behind, because all he did was mess you up.

And I have no doubts that you will find the guy you deserve, someone who treats you with respect and values you as the wonderful person you are. Don't settle for less. Well, I'm sure you'll find him sooner than you think. For now, feel whatever you feel, heal your wounds and get in touch with yourself. Time will make all better.

mudbunny
2007-08-14, 02:24 PM
"Friends with benefits"... :S That's a coward euphemisim for using someone to have sex without having the balls to get emotionally involved. As far as my experience and view of the world goes, it sucks. IMHO it can never work too well. The very nature of this concept is selfishness and volatility, with zero compromise and little respect, for you and the other one. Oh, I guess it works for some people, there's plenty of people who are different to me.

If both people know what is going on, and know that there are no strings attached, that there are no expectations of exclusiveness or anything else that goes along with a relationship, I don't see a problem in it.

Now that being said, *I* couldn't do it. I have to have a fairly strong emotional attachment to a person to have any type of ongoing physical relationship. One-night-stands, I wouldn't know, never had one.

magicwalker
2007-08-14, 02:26 PM
@Hannes:

I've been in this situation a few times recently, on both sides. I would suggest that you just accept that she wasn't particularly emotionally invested in the physical contact that you guys did have. In situations where alcohol are involved, it is really hard to tell whether or not someone is actually interested in a relationship or just getting caught up in the moment.

Did you know this girl before the party? Are you guys friends? Acquaintances? What is she to you? It kind of determines where you go.

If you don't know her, then hopefully you made a good impression. It's kind of up to her where it goes from here, because you've already put yourself out there. You can't or more importantly _shouldn't_ force her decision.

If you do know her, then continue your previous relationship as normal. Show interest in doing more stuff her, include her something that you would otherwise be doing -even better if with mutual friends. You should strive to maintain the status quo, e.g. no awkwardness about what happened, but leave opportunities for it to become something more.

2c

Dragonrider
2007-08-14, 03:27 PM
"Friends with benefits"... :S That's a coward euphemisim for using someone to have sex without having the balls to get emotionally involved. As far as my experience and view of the world goes, it sucks. IMHO it can never work too well. The very nature of this concept is selfishness and volatility, with zero compromise and little respect, for you and the other one. Oh, I guess it works for some people, there's plenty of people who are different to me.


I have to agree...I don't think it's possible to get physically involved without emotional attachment occurring as well - which will just end up making it more painful for both parties in the end. (/is in over her head on this subject and will shut up now :smallsmile:)

sktarq
2007-08-14, 03:34 PM
In terms of Friends w/ benefits...yeah they work...just not very often. Nine times out of ten either one is using the other for sex or emotions are going grow. Some use it as a way of testing the waters so to speak and it works for them. I'm not in over my head on this....I've been through just about every possible permutation of FwB's but when it works it is something very different very emotional but so different than a BF/GF relationship that it is worth keeping around as an option....But it really should come with a warning sign.

Syka
2007-08-14, 03:44 PM
Oh trust me, he is NOT inexperienced. He's been dating since sixth grade (about...11?), been having sex since middle school (13ish I guess). I know there's been at least two serious relationships in there, but none as long as my previous one had been (nearly three and a half years). He's just being an idiot. :)

FwB...our relationship had been very close to that. I know it's not something I could do. I can handle casual dating for a little bit, but eventually I'll need more or for it to be just friends, which is what happened here. Physical intimacy is closely tied to emotional intimacy for me. Just...be careful and know yourself and the other person. Chances are, one of y'all would get attached.

Cheers,
Syka

Vampiric
2007-08-14, 05:46 PM
I agree with mudbunny. I think FwB could be done (as has been said above) but I personally don't think I could do it. Nor the one night stand. Any sort of relationship is fairly emotional for me, so I couldn't bring myself to do that.

And *hugs* Syka. Consolations and a pm box. Hope all is ok soon.

(Oh yeah - sex since he's 13?!? Jeez. I dunno what the legal age is in America, but he was another 3 years short of UK age! I don't see what the point or attraction is at that age... never mind the irresponsibility...)

Logic
2007-08-14, 05:51 PM
I cannot seperate emotional intimacy from physical intimacy. So, 1 night stands and Friends with benefits are out of the question for me. I honestly don't recommend them to anyone either, I have not seen one turn out well, except on TV.

EDIT: @ Syka: Wow. Along with Vampiric, my PM box is open if you need to vent, or clarify, or anything else not suitable for the current discussion.

zeratul
2007-08-14, 06:12 PM
I agree with mudbunny. I think FwB could be done (as has been said above) but I personally don't think I could do it. Nor the one night stand. Any sort of relationship is fairly emotional for me, so I couldn't bring myself to do that.

And *hugs* Syka. Consolations and a pm box. Hope all is ok soon.

(Oh yeah - sex since he's 13?!? Jeez. I dunno what the legal age is in America, but he was another 3 years short of UK age! I don't see what the point or attraction is at that age... never mind the irresponsibility...)

It's five short here vamp boy. Our age of consent is 18.

FdL
2007-08-14, 06:13 PM
If both people know what is going on, and know that there are no strings attached, that there are no expectations of exclusiveness or anything else that goes along with a relationship, I don't see a problem in it.


Of course. I agree with that. Theoretically it's like that, two people agree, as in a mutual contract, to the terms of their relationship. Thing is, people are alive. They have feelings, and desires, and dreams, so it's usually not easy to stick to the more or less explicit terms of the contract.

I know I couldn't do it. And I've tried. But it's infinitely harder and more painful when there's feelings involved. Which in that particular case there were lots. And I personally can't have sex with someone I don't have special feelings for. So in the end you get this weird thing like "ok, we've had our sex, now go away and don't bother me, because the other part of this is annoying and I don't want it". Which is pretty insulting I think.

But sure, there are all kinds of people and surely a lot can pull this off.



Now that being said, *I* couldn't do it. I have to have a fairly strong emotional attachment to a person to have any type of ongoing physical relationship. One-night-stands, I wouldn't know, never had one.

Neither have I. I also see this as a kind of personal limitation. It's not bad nor good, but it's something I can't do, and maybe it would be better if I could. I guess you can learn that too, like everything.

Somehow, I think a person who's able to not get emotionally involved it's more fit for today's cold world, they'll get further in life. But well, I still think that's awful and that's not the way I want to be, even if I could change that.

sktarq
2007-08-14, 06:15 PM
It's five short here vamp boy. Our age of consent is 18.

It varies by state here but as long as he was with another minor it was probably legal.

SDF
2007-08-14, 06:16 PM
I'd be careful with the FwB talk, don't want to get the topic locked again. >_>


It's five short here vamp boy. Our age of consent is 18.

No, it varies from state to state, some are younger.

I'm not sure I could do a themed wedding... I suppose I don't really care one way or the other, but iuno it would be kind of weird. =0.o=
Anyway, you know where I am if you want to talk Syka. ^_^;

Syka
2007-08-14, 08:31 PM
If it's with another minor, I'm fairly certain it isn't illegal and, as far as I know, it was another minor. I don't know anything else about his "history", nor would I have questioned. All I needed to know is whether or not he was clean, but even that doesn't matter now.

Got a message back from him, PM if you want it in entirety. Basically, he's still cool with hanging out at some point, and said we did still hang out on Saturday. Which we did, but it wasn't until around 11pm and I ended up home just after midnight. Admittedly, as he said, I should have told him if it upset me, but how many people are really going to say, "No, hang out with me instead"? So...we'll see how it goes from here. If he keeps trying to cross wires and confuse me, I'm going to tell him if it doesn't stop, I can't be friends until he's able to control it. If it doesn't stop, we won't be friends.

Hm...mebbe if I can't get a hold of my other friends, I can wrangle him into going to the beach. ;) None of my family will be home tomorrow so, unless I get someone to go with, it's not happening.

*sigh* I finally feel comfortable mostly in how I'm handling this. :smallsmile: Thanks for your support, guys.

Cheers,
Syka

Logic
2007-08-14, 08:34 PM
@ Syka. If you don't mind, send me the details. I thnik I can help if I have more pieces to the puzzle.

Vampiric
2007-08-15, 04:48 AM
Same as ^, Syka. Glad to help!:smallsmile:
And guys, when you say minor, you mean...? I'm not clear on American law... :smallamused:

Vampire包子
2007-08-15, 05:47 AM
Same as ^, Syka. Glad to help!:smallsmile:
And guys, when you say minor, you mean...? I'm not clear on American law... :smallamused:

A minor in the United States is a person under the age of 18, that is, not yet having reach the age of majority. Pretty much just means you are legally a kid, not an adult, and your parents still assume most of the responsibility for you and your actions.

There's a bunch of distinctions (age of criminal responsibility, age of consent, juveniles, etc.), but for the purposes of clarity, she simply means that because they are both minors (not adults,under age of consent), statutory rape did not occur. If a minor under the age of consent has sex with someone who is legally an adult, it is illegal. If you really want to know the details, go to Wikipedia or US law, but for our intents and purposes, I hope this explanation suffices :smallwink:

Sir_Norbert
2007-08-15, 09:21 AM
Somehow, I think a person who's able to not get emotionally involved it's more fit for today's cold world, they'll get further in life.
Depends what you mean by "get further". If you just mean money, power, that sort of thing, then yes; people who aren't inhibited by caring for others are likely to do well at that game. But is that really the most important thing you can get out of life?

mudbunny
2007-08-15, 09:31 AM
Got a message back from him, PM if you want it in entirety.

I would be interested in the message.

Dragonrider
2007-08-15, 11:33 AM
Depends what you mean by "get further". If you just mean money, power, that sort of thing, then yes; people who aren't inhibited by caring for others are likely to do well at that game. But is that really the most important thing you can get out of life?

That's a really good point, Sir_Norbert. I know I'm not in it for the money. :smalltongue:

WORLD PEACE, anyone?? :smallbiggrin:
See, I'm really a hippie at heart, I only pretend to be normal. :smallamused:


On the subject of FwB, I was thinking about the song "Thanks That Was Fun" by Barenaked Ladies...

I'm learning. I'm yearning.
I'm burning all your stuff,
But that's not enough.
I'm faking that I'm aching:
Mistaking lust for love.

Thanks that was fun.
Don't forget, no regrets ('cept maybe one)

Did I scare you when I dared you?
I stared you in the eye and told you good-bye.
You mocked me. It shocked me,
When you walked me to the bus.

Thanks that was fun.
Don't forget, no regrets ('cept maybe one)
Made a deal, not to feel (God, that's dumb)

Everybody knows the deal fell through.
I was hoping I could just blame you.
When was it that I became so soft?

This sentimentality doesn't look good on me.
I thought that you would be begging to be with me.
I'm the one on my knees, blubbering,
"Please, let me stay".

Deflated and jaded. I hate it when you call
(which isn't at all)
I've spoken, though broken.
Here's a token of my love.

Thanks that was fun.
Don't forget, no regrets ('cept maybe one)
Made a deal, not to feel (God, that was dumb)
Don't forget, no regrets ('cept maybe one)
Made a deal, not to feel.
Thanks that was fun.

In other words...a word of warning. :smalltongue:

zeratul
2007-08-15, 11:43 AM
Good taste DR. I'm a hippy at heart too in my way.

FdL
2007-08-15, 02:44 PM
Depends what you mean by "get further". If you just mean money, power, that sort of thing, then yes; people who aren't inhibited by caring for others are likely to do well at that game. But is that really the most important thing you can get out of life?

To me it's not, that was precisely my point. And it's stated in the following sentence you left out of the quote.

Still, I know that there's inescrupulous persons that get away with whatever they want to obtain from life, and they "succeed" at it because they put their feelings aside and don't care for (other) people.

And with casual sex I guess it's the same. Not having the burden of emotional attachment with your partners allows you to be able to get what you want from them without compromising yourself. Which again, I have to make it clear, it's not what I want as a relationship, and I couldn't do it.

Otherwise, my point is that to some extent it would be important for me to have a degree of control of my emotions within the context of romantic and sexual relationships. Without going to the extreme I mentioned above, a healthy degree of emotional detachment can help you deal better with a relationship.

Brickwall
2007-08-15, 02:55 PM
Otherwise, my point is that to some extent it would be important for me to have a degree of control of my emotions within the context of romantic and sexual relationships. Without going to the extreme I mentioned above, a healthy degree of emotional detachment can help you deal better with a relationship.

Yes, because otherwise you have dreams about your partner dying, then you kill children to gain power so you can save your parnter. When your partner gets upset about you killing children, you kill her for not realizing that your new power will save her. Then you get your limbs cut off by a FREAKING LASER SWORD, and your best friend watches you burn alive, and robs, then steals your children. You get robotic limbs, but you are forever left a shell of a human being.

Yeah, a degree of detachment is healthy. Just like having limbs and the ability to breathe on your own.

FdL
2007-08-15, 03:01 PM
Yes, because otherwise you have dreams about your partner dying, then you kill children to gain power so you can save your parnter. When your partner gets upset about you killing children, you kill her for not realizing that your new power will save her. Then you get your limbs cut off by a FREAKING LASER SWORD, and your best friend watches you burn alive, and robs, then steals your children. You get robotic limbs, but you are forever left a shell of a human being.

Yeah, a degree of detachment is healthy. Just like having limbs and the ability to breathe on your own.

Totally uncalled for, kills the point you might have wanted to make in the second paragraph. :smallconfused:

Brickwall
2007-08-15, 03:04 PM
Oh, I just can't pass up an opportunity to make fun of the Star Wars prequels, and I thought that it was quite related to the topic in this case :smalltongue:

Dragonrider
2007-08-15, 03:38 PM
Oh God, don't talk to me about that movie. :smallyuk:

Good point though - that's pretty much a perfect example of a really unhealthy relationship. Go Brickwall.

(My main issue with that movie is Padme's total wimpout the second she gets pregnant. Come ON, guys. And then she just DIES giving birth to her kids, in a society that advanced, they can't stop that? Or there's the crap about her "wanting to die because Anakin's gone", that's even more ridiculous, I thought she was supposed to be a strong woman? Since when did she go spineless? She should have gotten up off that table and taken charge, that's what she would have done if George Lucas cared about character.)

[/rant]

Brickwall
2007-08-15, 03:46 PM
Oh God, don't talk to me about that movie. :smallyuk:

Good point though - that's pretty much a perfect example of a really unhealthy relationship. Go Brickwall.

(My main issue with that movie is Padme's total wimpout the second she gets pregnant. Come ON, guys. And then she just DIES giving birth to her kids, in a society that advanced, they can't stop that? Or there's the crap about her "wanting to die because Anakin's gone", that's even more ridiculous, I thought she was supposed to be a strong woman? Since when did she go spineless? She should have gotten up off that table and taken charge, that's what she would have done if George Lucas cared about character.)

[/rant]

Although you can't forget that it's also against canon: Leia said she remembered her real mother from when she was very young. I doubt her memory is that good.

Right, soo...Star Wars is full of bad relationships. Incest, over-involvement, totally incompatible couples (Han and Leia...it's only because they needed something to convince Harrison Ford to play the role, I bet). Don't take notes, unless they're prefaced by "do not act like this:".

sktarq
2007-08-15, 03:49 PM
Totally random aside....I am either changing apartments or flying to Germany to see a girl I may or may not bee head over heels for....and I have to find that out....I think I must be going loopy.

Dragonrider
2007-08-15, 03:49 PM
Although you can't forget that it's also against canon: Leia said she remembered her real mother from when she was very young. I doubt her memory is that good.


Yeah, that too.

I admit - after watching Revenge of the Sith (even the title sucks!), I actually sat down and wrote an angry letter to George Lucas along the lines of "Thanks a lot for ruining the Star Wars universe for those of us who actually care, which you apparently don't." I wish I'd been brave enough to send it. :smalltongue:

PhallicWarrior
2007-08-15, 04:14 PM
Yeah, that too.

I admit - after watching Revenge of the Sith (even the title sucks!), I actually sat down and wrote an angry letter to George Lucas along the lines of "Thanks a lot for ruining the Star Wars universe for those of us who actually care, which you apparently don't." I wish I'd been brave enough to send it. :smalltongue:

That's kind of overkillish, don't you think? Although the whole Leia and real mom canon issue annoys me too. Then again, this is coming from a guy who only watched the OT for the lightsaber fights when he was little, so take my opinions with a grain of salt.:smallwink:


Back on topic!
Thanks to all who responded to my dilemma, I think I'm gonna go for it. I'm going to see if I can visit her when she gets out of school on her next break.

Koreku
2007-08-15, 04:19 PM
Ok, I have a very confusing problem. There is this girl that I've been friends with for months, and we have this very deep spiritual connection between each other. We can be completely open with each other, and we both care about and love each other. It just occured to us that we might love each other in that way. we've thought about this, but haven't come to a real, solid conclusion about it yet. It's as if we think that the other person is the most important person in the world, and that we want to be as nice to them and care alot about them.

Normally, that would imply that we were in love with each other. This is what we innitially thought, but the only problem is there isn't the normal emotional...feeling...thing... you get when you have a crush on someone. It also feels like nothing would change if we started going out; we're already so close. It feels as if we were married to each other in some past life, so that if we if we went out, it would feel like we had already went out with each other in another place and time, and it wouldn't feel as special. I know the options we have, so I'm looking for advice from people who can really help. maybe one of you is in the same kind of situation as I am, maybe one of you has solved it. I would just definately like to hear any suggestions that you guys have.

Dragonrider
2007-08-15, 04:25 PM
Ok, I have a very confusing problem. There is this girl that I've been friends with for months, and we have this very deep spiritual connection between each other. We can be completely open with each other, and we both care about and love each other. It just occured to us that we might love each other in that way. we've thought about this, but haven't come to a real, solid conclusion about it yet. It's as if we think that the other person is the most important person in the world, and that we want to be as nice to them and care alot about them.

Normally, that would imply that we were in love with each other. This is what we innitially thought, but the only problem is there isn't the normal emotional...feeling...thing... you get when you have a crush on someone. It also feels like nothing would change if we started going out; we're already so close. It feels as if we were married to each other in some past life, so that if we if we went out, it would feel like we had already went out with each other in another place and time, and it wouldn't feel as special. I know the options we have, so I'm looking for advice from people who can really help. maybe one of you is in the same kind of situation as I am, maybe one of you has solved it. I would just definately like to hear any suggestions that you guys have.

That sounds pretty cool. Really. :smalltongue: It really depends on how old you guys are, I guess. If you can keep that for long enough it could ultimately lead to marriage...I don't know, what do you want?

(thus ends the least helpful advice ever posted :smallwink:)

Eldred
2007-08-15, 04:26 PM
Is now a bad time to say that I actually liked Episode III?

So, hey everyone. I'm heading into my first year of college in a months time. I really want to get into the dating scene now, being 16 and whatnot. My main problem is that I lack confidence - big time. I just get really nervous talking to girls I like, and more often than not my nerves get so bad I don't know what to talk about (many, many awkward silences....)

So I'm just wondering if anyone can offer any advice on this kinda thing, whether it be boosting my confidence or good conversation starters.

Thankies :smallsmile:

Koreku
2007-08-15, 04:43 PM
That sounds pretty cool. Really. :smalltongue: It really depends on how old you guys are, I guess. If you can keep that for long enough it could ultimately lead to marriage...I don't know, what do you want?

(thus ends the least helpful advice ever posted :smallwink:)

well, this is where it's confusing. Normally your advice would make sense, but in this type of situation, it's...different. there is no emotional attachment between us, just a spiritual one. I don't really know how better to explain it, but it's just... weird.

Brickwall
2007-08-15, 04:45 PM
You can't get help unless you explain your problem. So either try to explain, or solve it by yourself. Even an inaccurate explanation is better than none.

ChronicLunacy
2007-08-15, 05:05 PM
Is now a bad time to say that I actually liked Episode III?

So, hey everyone. I'm heading into my first year of college in a months time. I really want to get into the dating scene now, being 16 and whatnot. My main problem is that I lack confidence - big time. I just get really nervous talking to girls I like, and more often than not my nerves get so bad I don't know what to talk about (many, many awkward silences....)

So I'm just wondering if anyone can offer any advice on this kinda thing, whether it be boosting my confidence or good conversation starters.

Thankies :smallsmile:

My advice would be this: You know that awkward situation you were talking about? That one that makes you sweaty and nervous? You know, that feeling you get when you talk to girls you like? PUT YOURSELF IN THAT SITUATION AS OFTEN AND WITH AS MANY DIFFERENT ATTRACTIVE GIRLS AS POSSIBLE! Go, talk to girls you like, put yourself in social situations, bombard yourself with that awkwardness you feel.

Eventually, you'll have done it so much that it's not so awkward anymore. :smallsmile: You'll have talked to so many girls that it just doesn't seem that bad at all. You'll get used to it! I think it's called immersion therapy.

If you need help with those awkward silences, go and write down a list of topics you would feel comfortable discussing. All those things that you wish you'd remembered. Look over this list before you go out so it's fresh in your mind and it'll come to you if you need something to talk about. Also, try this. Go and work out, play sports, be active. You'll look and feel better and that will affect your confidence.

Hope that helped.

Glaivemaster
2007-08-15, 05:07 PM
Is now a bad time to say that I actually liked Episode III?

So, hey everyone. I'm heading into my first year of college in a months time. I really want to get into the dating scene now, being 16 and whatnot. My main problem is that I lack confidence - big time. I just get really nervous talking to girls I like, and more often than not my nerves get so bad I don't know what to talk about (many, many awkward silences....)

So I'm just wondering if anyone can offer any advice on this kinda thing, whether it be boosting my confidence or good conversation starters.

Thankies :smallsmile:

I can't give you advice here, but I can tell you my experience. Two years ago I entered college thinking the same sorts of things, and now, two years later, I've left college and my experience of 'the dating scene' has greatly stayed the same. I'm still happy

Not to discourage you from trying to find someone, I don't think it's a bad idea. But it sounded in your post like you wanted to start this sort of stuff mainly because you're entering a new stage of your life. I just wanted to say that if that is the case, you needn't feel so pressured.

However, as someone who's just as awkward at starting conversations, I'm going to have to hand the actual advice giving over to the other people here. Good luck :smallsmile:

magicwalker
2007-08-15, 05:08 PM
@Koreku: Sounds like she's a good friend, who will one day make someone very happy. If you are happy with what you have now, and do not feel something lacking in the relationship -> don't rock the boat.

Do you want something more, but you aren't physically attracted to her?

I don't understand what you are asking. Please clarify.


@Eldred: Either you're in Running Start (or maybe you're doing some other scholastic program I have no idea about) and taking classes at a community college while in highschool, or you're going to a University where most everyone is going to be atleast two years your elder. I see a couple of options:

If you're still going to be local with people that you already have an established group of friends, then consider making yourself more available to do social activities.. maybe even try to throw some gatherings/get-togethers yourself to get your name out.

If you're going to be somewhere outside of a close group of friends, then now would be the time to make friends.. especially with someone who is older than you and has friends. After you've got someone to introduce you into a local scene, then you have a group that you can associate with.

Let the good times roll...

Dragonrider
2007-08-15, 05:13 PM
@Koreku: It seems to me that a spiritual and mental connection is a better basis for a relationship than a physical one, anyway. I would hate to marry someone I couldn't have an intelligent conversation with....And if you care about her, that IS an emotional attachment. If she died, would you be sad? Yes? That's called emotion. :smallsmile: (sorry for the sarcasm, I'm in a kooky mood)

You really don't have to date, you know. If you're both happy with the way things are, and if neither of you are going to run off with some other person, there's no reason to change things. If you AREN'T happy with the way things are, well then, that's another story.

Qooroo
2007-08-15, 05:25 PM
I think there's some validity to the more active dating in college approach. Everyone's a little older, a little more mature, a little more independent...from what I've seen relationships in college just work better.

As far as the FwB debate goes, I'm just going to chime in that a lot of people seem to be arguing that people who get involved with those relationships are often using the other person just for sex (or whatnot), which I think is a bit demonizing. I don't think they're using the other person at all. Using another person for sex is when you profess an emotional attachment to put them in a position where they feel comfortable with it. An emotional relationship shouldn't involve either person "compromising" to the other one. They should happen in a context where both people want the emotional relationship. A FwB situation arises in an instance where: there is mutual attraction on a physical level/sexual tension/whatever, there is no inclination towards a romantic bond from either person, and both are ok with that. Like emotional relationships, they are made problematic when what is desired in the relationship isn't what is expressed - you should never be in an FwB situation with someone you're romantically attracted to any more than you should be in a romantic situation with someone you're only physically attracted to. All of that said, not being interested in an FwB relationship is understandable (I used to be very against them, now...I'm at least more willing to consider the idea), but I think that some people are being unfairly critical of them and the type of people who are willing to get involved in them.

Vampiric
2007-08-15, 05:54 PM
Well, for college dating, I was (perception-dependant) lucky. In secondary school, I was.. not very popular (bad at the time, good for college - see below). The kinda geeky kid that no-one really talks to unless they want an answer = me pretty much. I got lucky in year 10, cos it slowed, and I was able to talk to people. Anyhoo, fast-forward to college. I decide to not hang out with anyone I already knew, because of previous... experiences. So I go out, deliberately looking for a new group of friends. Upside #2 = I meet my gf of 2 years on the first day. I did hardly anything. I just got lucky. Anyhoo, having broken up with her a couple of months ago, I am fully prepared to be sceptical of college dating. Although I, technically had a good time. So... my thoughts are mixed. In fact, I can't really advise either way... both arguments are valid. You just need to choose for yourself.




I just made a pointless post...:smallannoyed:

FdL
2007-08-15, 06:16 PM
Ok, I have a very confusing problem. There is this girl that I've been friends with for months, and we have this very deep spiritual connection between each other. We can be completely open with each other, and we both care about and love each other. It just occured to us that we might love each other in that way. we've thought about this, but haven't come to a real, solid conclusion about it yet. It's as if we think that the other person is the most important person in the world, and that we want to be as nice to them and care alot about them.

Normally, that would imply that we were in love with each other. This is what we innitially thought, but the only problem is there isn't the normal emotional...feeling...thing... you get when you have a crush on someone. It also feels like nothing would change if we started going out; we're already so close. It feels as if we were married to each other in some past life, so that if we if we went out, it would feel like we had already went out with each other in another place and time, and it wouldn't feel as special. I know the options we have, so I'm looking for advice from people who can really help. maybe one of you is in the same kind of situation as I am, maybe one of you has solved it. I would just definately like to hear any suggestions that you guys have.

Hmmm....Well, reading DragonRider's suggestion about marrying made me twitch :p
@DR: If what you have in mind are those middle aged couples who get along and implicitly love each other, but in a settled way, well, that's a horrible fate to recommend for a young couple to aim for. Why go straight to the "boring" part of being a couple without enjoying the best parts?

Basically we're speaking of love without passion. Koreku, for what you're saying, you're relationship lacks the spark that makes love what it is. IMHO if you don't have that spark, that excitement, that fire in the guts then it's probably not LOVE.

I do understand what you say about having deep feelings. Have you talked about physical attraction? Is that a part of your thing? I mean, love is a bundle of strong emotions, there's no such thing as tame, quiet love. There has to be fire for being in love with someone, at least as I understand it.

Maybe explicitly starting a romantic relationship will bring that excitement. Maybe that will shake things a bit and will let you both commit to it. But you need that, I think.

Otherwise, in the best possible scenario, if you are in love with each other and you get together and skip that first phase of craving each other, lusting, and all those intense feelings, then it's gonna suck, sorry. :s

Might I ask how old are you? Also, have you had another experience with feelings for a girl? Because both could be relevant to understand your situation.


@Eldred's problem: You know, crazy as it may sound ChronicLunacy's suggestion makes a lot of sense. You're only going to learn to talk to girls by doing it. You'll suck at first, but you have to get past the nervousness and realize that they're people like you and the situation is really nothing to be afraid of.

Pyrian
2007-08-15, 06:29 PM
Like emotional relationships, they are made problematic when what is desired in the relationship isn't what is expressed - you should never be in an FwB situation with someone you're romantically attracted to any more than you should be in a romantic situation with someone you're only physically attracted to.

The thing about FwB situations is that the world is rarely so simple or straightforward. Motivations vary between people and over time, and many people are all too willing to deceive their partners.

I had a relationship that "devolved" into FwB when she moved away for school; basically, we officially broke up, but stuff still happened when she was in town (briefly, quarterly). Eventually she told me that she was only putting out because she was afraid I'd stop seeing her at all if she didn't. :smalleek: So, I called the "benefits" off at that point. :smallannoyed: (And yes we're still friends.)


So I'm just wondering if anyone can offer any advice on this kinda thing, whether it be boosting my confidence or good conversation starters.

How about Dale Carnegie? The classics are a good place to start (no, really):

How to Win Friends and Influence People (http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/102-8417581-0706545?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1187219919&sr=1-2)

EDIT:
Why go straight to the "boring" part of being a couple without enjoying the best parts?

I hate drama. Thus, I far prefer the "boring" part of being an established couple to the "excitement" of a new relationship. I wish I could skip the first five dates altogether.


I mean, love is a bundle of strong emotions, there's no such thing as tame, quiet love.

Yes, there is. And long-established couples frequently argue that their quiet, confident love is far more real (and certainly more deep) than the fire of an infatuation. Really, FdL, while I can't speak directly to Koreku's situation (he needs to ask himself what he wants), I think you have love and infatuation mixed up badly, here. Sort of an idealism issue, I'm guessing.

Dragonrider
2007-08-15, 06:47 PM
@DR: If what you have in mind are those middle aged couples who get along and implicitly love each other, but in a settled way, well, that's a horrible fate to recommend for a young couple to aim for. Why go straight to the "boring" part of being a couple without enjoying the best parts?


:smalltongue: No, that's not really what I had in mind. I was thinking more along the lines of...well hmm, it's hard to construct a point in something as abstract and personal as this.

More to say, I was thinking about how easy it is to be in love with the idea of being in love - and after that initial fire dies down somewhat, is that it? What happens when you have to live with the day-to-day person? Not sure, that plays more to your picture of what I was talking about, so I don't know quite how to put it so that it makes sense. (Am I still posting this? Apparently. :smallamused:)



I hate drama. Thus, I far prefer the "boring" part of being an established couple to the "excitement" of a new relationship. I wish I could skip the first five dates altogether.

Yes, there is. And long-established couples frequently argue that their quiet, confident love is far more real (and certainly more deep) than the fire of an infatuation. Really, FdL, while I can't speak directly to Koreku's situation (he needs to ask himself what he wants), I think you have love and infatuation mixed up badly, here. Sort of an idealism issue, I'm guessing.

Thank you, that's a slightly better wording of my thoughts, although still not EXACTLY it. I, like you, find drama tiresome. It's easy to make yourself believe you love someone, or to get things out of perspective - but there are also many kinds of love and many ways to make a relationship work, so I guess it comes down to whatever floats your boat, so to speak.


Edit: Was just thinking about what would happen if someone followed my advice and it was absolutely WRONG. :smalleek: I should put a disclaimer at the bottom of every post...:smallamused:

FdL
2007-08-15, 06:48 PM
You know, about FwB...It just doesn't get much further than what Seinfeld said about it. I don't remember the episode or the actual words, but they talk with George about Jerry trying to achieve what men through history have failed to do.

And well, I'm not trying to demonize or judge those who do it. Far from it. I think it's difficult to pull it off, and that it requires a special personality, different from mine. Hey, I actually envy them. At this point of my life I even think it would be good for me to have that kind of relationship. The trick is of course to leave out the feelings. But well, I fall in love with fictional characters, how I'm not going to feel anything for a woman I share pleasurable, intimate moments with? :p

Oh, well, I'm cracked beyond repair.

EDIT-ADD:



I hate drama. Thus, I far prefer the "boring" part of being an established couple to the "excitement" of a new relationship. I wish I could skip the first five dates altogether.


No, I'm not speaking of the first dates, I'm talking about passion. Which we know is probably a short part at the beginning of a relationship, and that it can't last indefinitely. But for me it's still the best part, and it's enjoyable, so I recommend it to anyone.
Not about the drama, mind you. Not about the dark side of it, the rollercoaster, the wild fragility. I'm talking about the pure high, the exhilarating part of being in love, when you literally feel you're ten feet tall and you can fly. And hell, at that moment, you can.



Yes, there is. And long-established couples frequently argue that their quiet, confident love is far more real (and certainly more deep) than the fire of an infatuation. Really, FdL, while I can't speak directly to Koreku's situation (he needs to ask himself what he wants), I think you have love and infatuation mixed up badly, here. Sort of an idealism issue, I'm guessing.

Could be. Maybe I idealise love and relationships. I don't have that much experience actually. But I do agree in that love can be enduring and great after the initial rush. Only that the married couple example sounded so bad to me :p As most married couples (I know) don't care much about each other and just let things drag.

Of course, to be able to share a life with someone is a wonderful thing. But with marriage and day to day routine you run the risk of taking things for granted and losing perspective. I don't ever want to forget how wonderful is a person I'm married to.

It's not so much as "quiet love" as "cold" I was talking about. I still like the day to day sharing of things, it's after all what I'm looking for when I hook up with someone.

Syka
2007-08-15, 09:45 PM
Ok, to say what I tell everyone: if I'm in a relationship, I need physical attraction in combination with emotional and mental. If one (or more) of those is missing, I won't be able to do it.

I think, maybe, Koreku is missing the physical aspect. I'm not saying a relationship should be all physical, but if that spark (yes, lust) is not there, then chances are...it won't work. My ex and I, who were together for over three years, had that "settled" kind of love (and yes, it was love), and yet that didn't diminish desire. Now, I'm not saying a relationship devoid of physical aspects is definitely going to fail, because there are people who could do it. But, just like only a small portion of people can truly pull of FwB, very few people could handle a relationship like that.

So...if the attraction isn't there, don't force it. I love my group of guys friends back home to death and get along with them so well, but I couldn't date any because attraction isn't there. :) Just go slow.



College dating: Please, for the love of God, don't focus on dating. Trust me, getting adjusted to college life is muc easier without having to worry about a significant other. Go out, have fun, meet people, and if something happens- go for it. But don't seem desperate, and be happy with how you are. One of the least attractive features on a person is desperation.



Me:


I just realized that things really started changing after I turned him down for sex. It was more like the things that were causing minor issues before got amplified and happened more (and no, not my imagination).

I could be wrong, but if I look back at the timeline, it matches. :smallconfused: Eight months, and it seems that all I was was a piece of flesh. Beautiful. Not that I need to worry about knowing him, since we've barely talked since Saturday.


Cheers,
Syka

FdL
2007-08-15, 10:07 PM
Heh. With each one of my posts I realize I don't know crap about relationships :p Meh, it's just my opinions, people can agree or not. Surprisingly some do, so maybe I'm not thaaat wrong.

I'm happy that I could comfort a girl I had dated once, because she's feeling down about a jerk she dated after me (she's the girl I met online for those who keep track). Well, it feels good to help people feel better. This girl is weird and has issues, but she doesn't deserve the crap she's getting from relationships, really. I'm not going to say she'd be better with me, but yeah, that's what I think :p Still, I'm over her as of a long time ago.

Thrawn183
2007-08-15, 11:18 PM
Episode 1: bad
Episode 2: decent
Episode 3: good (I'm noticing a trend here).

I'm against FwB just because I don't like to share. :smallcool:

I'm against staying friends after a relationship, because I've never knowingly met someone IRL who's made it work. I've met a whole bunch of people who thought it worked, but didn't realize that that impression was rather one sided.

I generally advise breaking all ties for 1-2 months. That usually lets the realization that it really is over, and that things said are not veiled attempts to get back together again, sink in fully. Otherwise, someone just ends up getting hurt.

I definitely decided to not ask anybody out for at least the first semester of college to make sure that I made lots of friends. That first semester turned into the first year, but I'm very glad that that is what happened. I did make a lot of friends. I would advise the same course of action for almost anybody.

Dragonrider
2007-08-16, 07:06 PM
Staying friends IS hard, I'm finding. Not so much awkwardness, or anything, but just the logistics of it. I keep in touch with both my former interest and my cousin (I'm not going to be spiteful and give her some nasty pseudonym...but I want to) through MSN messenger, mostly, and in avoiding her I tend to sacrifice talking to him. I need to start emailing again because I don't want to lose touch with him.

And avoiding her doesn't really solve anything, except that every time I talk to her, I'm depressed for two days afterwards. And the way it goes, usually I'm just starting to feel better when she talks to me again and says something that ruins my day completely. SHE keeps saying how much everyone hates her and how horrible she feels because the world is against her...it makes me GAG. :smallyuk:

(Note: is riled at time of writing, probably putting negative spin on things :smalltongue:)

FdL
2007-08-16, 08:16 PM
I'm against FwB just because I don't like to share. :smallcool:


Oh. You know, I had forgotten about that part of FwB: you're not exclusive. I don't like that, though I guess it goes together well with the no feelings involved thing :S Cheap as hell...Oh, whatever.



I'm against staying friends after a relationship, because I've never knowingly met someone IRL who's made it work. I've met a whole bunch of people who thought it worked, but didn't realize that that impression was rather one sided.


I agree. I know I can't do it myself. Breakups are one sided, and there's probably feelings lingering on either side. I know I can't repress my feelings like that and pretend I'm buddies with someone I loved.



I generally advise breaking all ties for 1-2 months. That usually lets the realization that it really is over, and that things said are not veiled attempts to get back together again, sink in fully. Otherwise, someone just ends up getting hurt.


That's really good advice. I cannot stress how important this is in some situations.
This "disappearing", severing all ties and communication, might be even beneficial, and actually could benefit the chance of getting back together. You know, you cannot miss someone if they're still around. And sometimes being around has the effect that they take you for granted, and also clouds your judgement. So yeah, I recommend this. Otherwise the dragging of these remains of the relationship might end up wearing down whatever's left of it, in addition to all the hurt uncertainty brings.



I definitely decided to not ask anybody out for at least the first semester of college to make sure that I made lots of friends. That first semester turned into the first year, but I'm very glad that that is what happened. I did make a lot of friends. I would advise the same course of action for almost anybody.

Well, that makes sense too. But I guess that things like that happen and you can't really avoid them. It's good to have friends I guess. But I don't see dating as a negative thing. Well, I know what you mean, but meh...

magicwalker
2007-08-17, 10:31 AM
I'd argue that while at college you should try to experience every aspect of college. That involves the parties and the relationships. With are so many different kinds of people drawn together towards a common goal, you are bound to find someone to associate with.. and to grow up with.

I'm in my second relationship since I got to college. The first ended.. bad. Long story short: girl broke up with her long-distance relationship back at home to be with me, went back home and saw him again, brought him school with her after break, broke up with me to be with him again.

Yeah, I was sad (and at the time sick with a sinus infection and viral bronchitis). I got over it, mostly... It wasn't my finest hour, but it was probably one of the best experiences of my life. The insight into relationships that it provided was invaluable- I mean before her I had never even kissed a girl.

Now in my second relationship, I atleast some idea of what to expect.

@Syka: While I don't know the complete details of your relationship, I would advise you not to dwell on the physical aspects of your previous relationship. When you have time to boil it all down, this kind of thing floats on the surface. It gets difficult to see past it, and see the actual substance of what once was...

EDIT: corrected some word confusion

Syka
2007-08-17, 11:07 AM
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything. It's just one of those, "What a jerk" reactions. As I've said, I've learned things from both my relationships, and I wouldn't have traded either of them.


Promiscuity does not have to be part of the 'college experience'. :P I can atest to that. Not everyone's psyche is up to that sort of thing, and I know mine wouldn't, which is probably one reason that my shortest relationship (I guess I should call it that) to date was about 9 months. Relationships, of all kinds be it friends or more, should be present...We're just warning against feeling pressure to have to dive into that immediately. I've found the best way to handle going to college is take things in small steps. I started just by dealing with classes, friends, and living on my own. This semester, I'm getting a job. Until I know I can balance all that, I'm not going to seek out a relationship (though, I also won't deny one if something comes up).

And yes, I still party, but I know when to party and when to study. It's a matter of finding balance. One big reason most of my friends who went away to school and came back within the first year has to do with they couldn't balance work and play with living on their own. If you are careful, that can be avoided and you can still have the 'full' experience.

Cheers,
Syka

Qooroo
2007-08-17, 12:28 PM
I agree pretty much completely with what Syka said. I encourage the exploring of everything college has to offer. I encourage open-mindedness with everything, but not doing things just for the sake of doing them. I don't recommend going to college with the goal of getting into a relationship (which is good advice in general), but they do have a tendency to work better than they do in high school. Put your studies first, but remember that college isn't just about school.

That's what I learned from first year.

Thrawn183
2007-08-17, 12:34 PM
Oh, if a girl had asked me out that first semester, I would have jumped at it (assuming she was attractive and all that). I just decided that it was a lower priority at the time than making new friends and building social... stuff.

Midnight Son
2007-08-17, 01:10 PM
I sit here with a heavy heart, knowing that the love I have felt is forever gone. I took another chance and, despite historical evidence to the contrary, chose to believe love was possible.

Five times in this short life, I have removed my armor and stood before a woman, my guard down, showing her that I trust her completely. Five times in this life, she has reciprocated with a dagger thrust to my heart.

Never again. My heart cannot withstand a sixth dagger.

It is over.

I am done.

No, I'm not suicidal; just very very depressed.

Syka
2007-08-17, 01:24 PM
I'm sorry MS. *hugs* If you need to talk, my PM box is open. :smallfrown: Trust me, I know the feeling.

Cheers,
Syka

Logic
2007-08-17, 03:01 PM
If you need to say anything more, my PM box is open Midnight Son.

Dragonrider
2007-08-17, 08:41 PM
I'm sorry. :smallfrown: I wish there were something we could do. (Joins Syka in *hugs*)

zeratul
2007-08-17, 09:41 PM
Gah guys, I know full well what my problem is, yet I hath not the will to fix it. As you guys know I feel really strongly for this girl, and she at least likes me as a friend. Yet when around her I have trouble coming out of my shell. This removing my main advantages, my smarts, whit, and (around certain people) my charm. This is driving me insane, I'm just to shy. I don't know what to do or say. *sigh* Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

PS, for anyone who is new to my situation, she knows i seriously like her, yet I doubt she realizes the full extent of how much I do.

Dragonrider
2007-08-17, 10:12 PM
You sound a lot like me. Except I sincerely hope your situation turns out better than mine has because right now my life pretty well sucks.

Okay, so I've been depressed all day, I know my life DOESN'T suck but I'm dwelling in things way too much and I need to find SOMETHING to do with myself before I drive myself crazy. I filled up my whole day today and felt better, but after dinner I came up here and had nothing to do and basically lay on my bed feeling sorry for myself for an hour. There's lots of stuff that I SHOULD be doing but I just don't have the energy or the motivation.

On top of which, my end-of-the-summer allergies have started - runny nose, itchy eyes, sore throat, headaches. Come to think of it, that's probably part of the reason for my attitude. Uggh.

zeratul
2007-08-17, 10:25 PM
I know the Feeling D rider. That's what happens sometimes when I have nothing to do.

Unlike your situation however this girl isn't dating someone. As far as I know (unless she actually does like me) she doesn't even have feelings for anyone at the moment. My sister whos friends with her woulda told me.

Dragonrider
2007-08-17, 11:24 PM
Well that's good - do TRY to tell her. A lot of us girls need solid confirmation before we're brave enough to say anything about our own feelings.

zeratul
2007-08-17, 11:31 PM
Well that's good - do TRY to tell her. A lot of us girls need solid confirmation before we're brave enough to say anything about our own feelings.

Ah, you'd think with three sisters I'd no more about this sort of thing.

I can't figure out what I should say though. Although now would be a good time to tell her over the interweb, since I won't be sing her again for like 3 weeks. Gah, paranoia + shyness = bad at this sort of thing.

Logic
2007-08-18, 01:06 AM
Zeratul, although I would be just as unlikely to follow this advice myself, try telling her that you would like to be more than friends. Tell her that you will stay friends no matter her answer, or the outcome.

Koreku
2007-08-18, 01:25 AM
YES! My situation is going great! The girl I talked about earlier is now more than my girlfriend... we are so close, it's like... just....amazing. We will never break up, and we both know it. It feels impossible to get into a misunderstanding with her, and she is such an amazing person. What makes me feel so wonderful is that she used to be depressed but she said I really helped her start to feel better... and it's chronic depression, from bipolar disorder!:smallbiggrin: She said she had a dream last night that I was an angel and I was hugging her with my wings... we are so in love! I've never felt this way before... it's amazing! OH MY GOD I LOVE HER SO MUCH!

Sorry about that, I know this is for advice, but I had to post this somewhere!

Serpentine
2007-08-18, 04:17 AM
So much for "no emotional attachment". :smallamused:

Vampiric
2007-08-18, 06:15 AM
Zeratul, although I would be just as unlikely to follow this advice myself, try telling her that you would like to be more than friends. Tell her that you will stay friends no matter her answer, or the outcome.

Exactly the same ^:smallbiggrin:, but the advice is still excellent.

Oh, and more good news - I have a gf!:smallsmile:

*hugs* Dragonrider. No-one deserves to feel like that...

And though it's half a page late - Midnight Son, my PM box is also available, if you want.

Sir_Norbert
2007-08-18, 09:00 AM
*joins in the hugging of Dragonrider and Midnight Son and anyone else who needs it right now*

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 11:39 AM
...am I the only one so cynical as to look at Koreku's post and think "this is just going to end in tears, sadness, a lesson painfully learned, and maybe even a psychological complex or two"?

Though at least I know I'm not the only one thinking that Midnight Son will be able to move past whatever's going on as long as he has a little support. *teh hugs*

Dragonrider
2007-08-18, 12:01 PM
Yeah, I hope Koreku hasn't jinxed himself. :smalltongue:

Moments of sheer wild flying on the clouds happiness never last...but hopefully the cloud will set him down gently and contentedly instead of dropping out from under him.

Syka
2007-08-18, 12:03 PM
No, you are not the only one. I feel like such a cynic now.

Koreku, enjoy that feeling while it lasts. :smallsmile: BUT (and that is a big but) never think that if it ends, your life is over. That you would never find someone else like her. Don't make her your whole world, both of you need a life outside each other.

This comes from experience. Dependancy (as in the clinical definition) is not a good thing, and although you might be in love and stuff, if something happens and you are no longer together...you don't want to do something drastic.

Sorry, Zer, no advice. I'm just as bad.

Cheers,
Syka

FdL
2007-08-18, 12:06 PM
Ow...Such are the contrasts of life. On the one hand there's people like Midnight, DragonRider, Syka and, um, me. But there's also those who are lucky and begin enjoying love, some for the first time.

It's something that gives me hope. I guess we'll all have ours sometime. We just have to get past the bad times.

I'm feeling optimistic today. It's scary.

Cruxador
2007-08-18, 12:13 PM
I don't think Koreku's situation will necessarily end badly, but something to remember is, if you want your relationship to keep going, you have to focus on the long term. Otherwise, you can do things you regret and kill any possibility of anything long term at all.

Zeratul, your best bet would be to try and find some time alone with her, then ask.

Dragonrider
2007-08-18, 12:33 PM
Oh my goodness! FdL! Optimist! Space...time...continuum...stretching.... :smalltongue:

Ok, well, hold onto that attitude my friend. And please let it be contagious...:smallbiggrin:

Syka
2007-08-18, 12:36 PM
Oh, I to hopes it all goes well for him. I'm just feeling cynical.

I'm normally quite an optimist...I'm just in a depressive mood at the moment. Wait...

FDL! I want my happy back! :smallbiggrin:

Cheers,
Syka

FdL
2007-08-18, 12:36 PM
Oh, regarding Koreku, it's great to see you're so into your new relationship. Congratulations, really.

My pessimist self can't help to advice a slight dose of moderation, but I was like that last time I was in love, so...

Dragonrider
2007-08-18, 12:41 PM
Yeah, love makes us all bipolar anyway, right? :smalltongue:

Syka, I've been having that kind of a day too. That kind of a week. I just keep trying to look ahead and say this will all be over someday... I guess it just takes a long time to really get over someone. And cynicism is definitely part of that...but on the other hand - SOMETIMES IT WORKS OUT. So good luck Koreku. :smallsmile:

MountainKing
2007-08-18, 12:42 PM
If it's with another minor, I'm fairly certain it isn't illegal and, as far as I know, it was another minor.

Actually, even if it's with a minor, I believe it does constitute statutory rape, at least in Michigan. Here, you have to be at least (I think) 16 with parental consent, and your partner can't be more than like, two years older than you are. It stays that way until you break 18, unless you're 17 and you've been emancipated.

If I learned anything about sex and relationships though, it's that it definitely is not something you throw around. The way it affected my relationship with my ex was so profound that up until about three months ago, I was still aching for her; and she broke up with me last year in the beginning of May. When you're young, you typically don't quite understand the emotional and psychological investment that's involved in adding sexuality to the equation; I would never tell someone that they need to get laid, unless they've already done it, in which case, they usually do (as far as most of my friends go).

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 12:45 PM
Ow...Such are the contrasts of life. On the one hand there's people like Midnight, DragonRider, Syka and, um, me. But there's also those who are lucky and begin enjoying love, some for the first time.

And they inevitably get horrible emotionally scarred. Hooray!

Tennyson was full of crock. :smallamused:

Dragonrider
2007-08-18, 12:52 PM
And they inevitably get horrible emotionally scarred. Hooray!

Tennyson was full of crock. :smallamused:

Methinks Brickwall is bitter. :smallamused:

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 12:58 PM
I've never been in a relationship (unless you call an unrequited crush that I got over months ago a relationship). I just think that it's silly to base all your emotions on a relationship, and the status of having one or not. So, no, I'm not exactly "bitter", but I'm cynical as always. All I ever hear about relationships is whining, and that can't just be a coincidence. I'm thoroughly convinced that the only way to be happy is to eschew romance.

Obviously, I'm not so foolish as to ignore the fact that I'm so flawed as to be mentally reliant on other humans, so I don't plan on being happy. I'm merely attempting to assist others in ascending this daft system of "loving and losing". I'll stay here in the pits of romance, as is my lot in life. YOU people, however, should quit whining and get your brains in gear.

Cruxador
2007-08-18, 01:00 PM
Actually, even if it's with a minor, I believe it does constitute statutory rape, at least in Michigan. Here, you have to be at least (I think) 16 with parental consent, and your partner can't be more than like, two years older than you are. It stays that way until you break 18, unless you're 17 and you've been emancipated.
*snip

Here (California) even if one person is not a minor it isn't statutory if they are within two years of each other's age.

bosssmiley
2007-08-18, 01:11 PM
Methinks Brickwall is bitter. :smallamused:

No, merely filled with hard won wisdom (also with bricks).

Nothing wrong with scarring (be it emotional or otherwise): scars are the marks that experience leaves on us so we don't forget the lessons we've learned. :smallamused:

Koreku: you're willingly putting your emotional happiness in the hands of a person you know to have bipolar disorder? :smalleek:

For the love of merciful, flesh-raking Raptor Jeebus think carefully about how deeply you intend to get into this. Go into it eyes open and unclouded by the fuzzy pink clouds of infatuation if you can. I wish you every happiness, but must counsel you to be prepared for collosal amounts of drama.

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 01:19 PM
No, merely filled with hard won wisdom (also with bricks).

Nothing wrong with scarring (be it emotional or otherwise): scars are the marks that experience leaves on us so we don't forget the lessons we've learned. :smallamused:

Well spoken, though I actually find this knowledge too easily gained. Part of the reason I have it, given my short time in this world.

Ego Slayer
2007-08-18, 01:24 PM
Nothing wrong with scarring (be it emotional or otherwise): scars are the marks that experience leaves on us so we don't forget the lessons we've learned. :smallamused:

Good judgement comes from experience;
experience comes from bad judgement.

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 01:35 PM
Good judgement comes from experience;
experience comes from bad judgement.

It is better to learn through someone else's bad judgement than your own.

Don't try to outproverb me. Actually, do try, I could use the excercise. :smallamused:

bosssmiley
2007-08-18, 01:38 PM
Good judgement comes from experience;
experience comes from bad judgement.

Mouthy swashbuckling egg: bad judgment is a given (hence my now being so ineluctably wise in my old age - I learned hard, fast and while falling from heights :smallwink: ).

So what conclusions have we drawn from this that can apply to the wider purpose of the Relationships Advice Thread? Why, we have learned nothing other than that swashbuckling and generally throwing yourself needlessly into danger makes you emotionally ready for whatever the vagaries of the human heart can throw at you. Shouting, stabbing things and making stuff blow up to a rousing musical accompaniment is indeed the answer to everything!

And that is science! :smallbiggrin:

Ego Slayer
2007-08-18, 01:39 PM
It is better to learn through someone else's bad judgement than your own.

Don't try to outproverb me. Actually, do try, I could use the excercise. :smallamused:
You win by default. :smallwink:

Pyrian
2007-08-18, 01:41 PM
...am I the only one so cynical as to look at Koreku's post and think "this is just going to end in tears, sadness, a lesson painfully learned, and maybe even a psychological complex or two"?

It's a relationship. Unless they get married and live happily ever after and then die at the same time, that's more or less how they all end. :smallcool:

As for judgment: I don't think we should be criticizing the judgment of the one happily coupled-up person posting here. :smallamused: Perhaps he's just lucky, but more likely deep down he knows some stuff the rest of us could stand to learn.

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 01:43 PM
You win by default. :smallwink:

Are you hoping to avoid being subject to my grammar-derived powers of justice by using flattery?

...

I'm okay with that. Carry on. That goes for everyone else, too. :smallbiggrin: :smalltongue:


It's a relationship. Unless they get married and live happily ever after and then die at the same time, that's more or less how they all end. :smallcool:

Eh, I meant sooner rather than later, but you're catching on. Good boy.

bosssmiley
2007-08-18, 01:45 PM
It's a relationship. Unless they get married and live happily ever after and then die at the same time, that's more or less how they all end. :smallcool:

So, uummmmm... Yay! for oriental happy endings then? :smallconfused:
(oriental happy ending: everybody die!)

As for judgment: I don't think we should be criticizing the judgment of the one happily coupled-up person posting here. :smallamused: Perhaps he's just lucky, but more likely deep down he knows some stuff the rest of us could stand to learn.

*Ahem*

<-- Coupled up with the Most Wonderful Girl in the World, but still possessed of *incredibly* bad judgment. Lucky in love =/= irreproachable.
No, really; the image of Lucky in love is not at all beyond criticism. :smallbiggrin:

Ego Slayer
2007-08-18, 02:16 PM
Are you hoping to avoid being subject to my grammar-derived powers of justice by using flattery?

Maaaybe. :smallamused:
We just skip to the end where you win so you can't make me look entirely stupid. :smallwink:

FdL
2007-08-18, 02:32 PM
You know? That's right. Within the limits of reasonable judgment, which I'm sure he has, it's ok for Koreku or anyone to live their love as they see fit. And succeed or fail (hope not) in their own terms. And learn from it. So it's all positive in its own way.

Then I'll end this post by quoting Dylan himself:

"So if you find someone that gives you all of her love,
Take it to your heart, don't let it stray"

"Love is all there is, it makes the world go 'round,
Love and only love, it can't be denied.
No matter what you think about it
You just won't be able to do without it.
Take a tip from one who's tried."

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 02:51 PM
You know? That's right. Within the limits of reasonable judgment, which I'm sure he has, it's ok for Koreku or anyone to live their love as they see fit. And succeed or fail (hope not) in their own terms. And learn from it. So it's all positive in its own way.

Then I'll end this post by quoting Dylan himself:

"So if you find someone that gives you all of her love,
Take it to your heart, don't let it stray"

"Love is all there is, it makes the world go 'round,
Love and only love, it can't be denied.
No matter what you think about it
You just won't be able to do without it.
Take a tip from one who's tried."

Search for the song "One More Night", by the same artist. See where those other songs got him?

Nary an optimist shall go by without his heart ground into sausage by the world and all its truths.

zeratul
2007-08-18, 03:12 PM
To be positive at all times is to ignore all that is important, sacred or valuable. To be negative at all times is to be threatened by ridiculousness and instant discredibility. ~ Kurt Cobain

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 03:32 PM
To be positive at all times is to ignore all that is important, sacred or valuable. To be negative at all times is to be threatened by ridiculousness and instant discredibility. ~ Kurt Cobain

I'm not negative all the time, but I'm negative about relationships. Nothing makes people more unhappy than other people. That, and dying. Dying sucks. Death, Death is okay, but dying, not so much.

zeratul
2007-08-18, 03:55 PM
OH I know, just with some people saying optomism is bad, and some seeming to say pessamism is bad, I felt like posting that.

sktarq
2007-08-18, 04:00 PM
I'm not negative all the time, but I'm negative about relationships. Nothing makes people more unhappy than other people.

And little makes people as happy or fufilled as other people too. Powerful effects those other people.

Logic
2007-08-18, 04:25 PM
Brickwall, you're not the only one that thought Koreku's post was horribly optomistic. I try to strive to being a realist (which, usually ends up being 25% optimist, 75% pessimist) but the way Koreku worded his post...it just seems like he is not thinking everything through.

Though, I have been in that same state before, so I can't blame him. Good luck Koreku.

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 04:43 PM
And little makes people as happy or fufilled as other people too. Powerful effects those other people.

I find that discovery and acheivement are powerful inducers of happiness without regard to the amount of other people observing. Failure, though is always worse when other people know about it, even nice people.

Actually, I'd much rather discover and invent things than find love, or even friendship. But that's a personal choice. Still, if 99.99% of people are at their happiest with others, and 100% are at their unhappiest because of others...the conclusion is that people most powerfully spread unhappiness.

Dragonrider
2007-08-18, 06:03 PM
Brickwall is a soul-killing heart-grinder who cares nothing for the souls of others. Someday he is going to fall hard and fast for some girl and then we will all mock him mercilessly. :smallamused::smallbiggrin:

Zeratul is balanced on the...uh...brick wall between pessimism and optimism and is throwing out bits of philosophy to make the world stand still.

Logic is, well, logical. And smart too.

:smallbiggrin: Thus ends my brutally honest and comically off-target psychoanalysis of...you. Feel free to start throwing rotten vegetables at me if you don't like it. I'll hide behind the, uh, brickwall and hope that whatever Zeratul throws out will block them.

Aramil Liadon
2007-08-18, 07:59 PM
Made me laugh.
Yes, it will happpen. The mocking will come. Bwa-ha-ha!

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 08:13 PM
Well, yeah, but I doubt I'll actually ever end up in a 2-sided relationship. Women, for some strange reason, just don't take me seriously. So, yeah, I'll be skipping past "Oh, hooray, I'm in love" to "Nobody loves me, and I will live the rest of my life alone in a smelly old house chasing kids off my porch with a shotgun. Wait, that sounds AWESOME! I'm getting my license!"

So laugh all you like, because that's when I'm gonna get my shotgun. :smallamused:

FdL
2007-08-18, 08:20 PM
Brickwall is a soul-killing heart-grinder who cares nothing for the souls of others. Someday he is going to fall hard and fast for some girl and then we will all mock him mercilessly. :smallamused::smallbiggrin:

Zeratul is balanced on the...uh...brick wall between pessimism and optimism and is throwing out bits of philosophy to make the world stand still.

Logic is, well, logical. And smart too.

:smallbiggrin: Thus ends my brutally honest and comically off-target psychoanalysis of...you. Feel free to start throwing rotten vegetables at me if you don't like it. I'll hide behind the, uh, brickwall and hope that whatever Zeratul throws out will block them.

Interesting. I wonder how you'd place me in those axis. Be honest, I'm just curious as to what my public perception is (in this thread).

Ego Slayer
2007-08-18, 08:23 PM
Ohh, you just wait, Bricky... you're going to find the best 2-sided relationship ever, and you're going to get married, and have seven kids. :smalltongue:

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 08:24 PM
Interesting. I wonder how you'd place me in those axis. Be honest, I'm just curious as to what my public perception is (in this thread).

Your cycles of optimism and pessimism seem to be whatever is the opposite of the thread-at-large's are at any given time. We could probably make it a scientific law if we had more tangible proof. :smallsmile:


Ohh, you just wait, Bricky... you're going to find the best 2-sided relationship ever, and you're going to get married, and have seven kids. :smalltongue:

You're making me feel all sad...:smallfrown:

Wait, I hate kids! I can still live in misery! Hoorjay!

Ego Slayer
2007-08-18, 08:28 PM
You're making me feel all sad...:smallfrown:

Wait, I hate kids! I can still live in misery! Hoorjay!
Aww, sorry.

No... you're going to hate everyone else's kids. :smallwink:

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 08:29 PM
No... you're going to hate everyone else's kids. :smallwink:

And I'll do a damn good job of it. I already dislike most of their parents. :smallamused:

FdL
2007-08-18, 08:37 PM
Your cycles of optimism and pessimism seem to be whatever is the opposite of the thread-at-large's are at any given time. We could probably make it a scientific law if we had more tangible proof. :smallsmile:


LOL :smallbiggrin:

Yay, I'm crazy ^^ Wiiiiii! :p
Keep studying me, eh? Maybe I can be an actual indication of the current mood of the thread (which would be the opposite of mine).

Dragonrider
2007-08-18, 08:45 PM
Well, judging by your avvie, FdL, you're a psychotic dude with a gun. And, apparently, a soft, romantic side, since you post in the Relationship thread and (unlike Brickwall! :smallamused:) are here to talk instead of mock. Therefore we must assume you are more than you appear. And if your mood cycle truly does travel opposite the rest of us, perhaps your happiness is fed by our depression and sapped by our delights. :smallbiggrin:

Once again, totally candid, amusing, and innaccurate! Hooray for snap judgments! :smallbiggrin:

Sir_Norbert
2007-08-18, 08:47 PM
All I ever hear about relationships is whining, and that can't just be a coincidence.
No, it can't. It's testimony to the fact that when things go wrong, we need other people for support (and so everyone gets to hear about our problems); when things go right, we don't.

Take me, for example. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful and beautiful girl who's so deeply in love with me that she waited two years while I was going through and then recovering from a previous relationship, and never gave up on me. We go through bad patches sometimes, but she always picks things up the next day exactly as though nothing happened. Our relationship has made both of us happier than we've ever been in our lives.

I just didn't feel the need to let everyone know all this before now.....

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 08:50 PM
Well, judging by your avvie, FdL, you're a psychotic dude with a gun. And, apparently, a soft, romantic side, since you post in the Relationship thread and (unlike Brickwall! :smallamused:) are here to talk instead of mock.

You say it like it's a bad thing. You realize that I'm granting you a great privelege? Kings greatly valued jesters who could mock them and provide valuable insight, and I give it to all of you for free. Sheesh, you're welcome already. :smallcool:

Soft romantic sides are for people who need a hole in their diamond girdle right over their heart. Bard is lurking around every corner, suckers. :smallamused:

Dragonrider
2007-08-18, 08:50 PM
That's great, Sir_Norbert. No sarcasm this time. :smallsmile: It's good to know that sometimes, things turn out right for people. Well obviously, but sometimes it's hard to remember that the world isn't quite as cold as it feels....:smalltongue:


Edit: @Brickwall: (in mocking voice) I know your type! Fortunately, my powers of psychoanalysis tell me that unless you're a pure internet jerk, you only behave thus to those you like. (Either that or I have a father wh's the same way :smallamused:)

I would be harsher, but you worked very nicely to shield me from the rotten vegetables where Zeratul's philosopy failed. So thank you. :smalltongue:

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 08:53 PM
That's great, Sir_Norbert. No sarcasm this time. :smallsmile: It's good to know that sometimes, things turn out right for people. Well obviously, but sometimes it's hard to remember that the world isn't quite as cold as it feels....:smalltongue:

And yet it is cold, so very cold. (http://www.despair.com/loneliness.html)

FdL
2007-08-18, 09:15 PM
Well, judging by your avvie, FdL, you're a psychotic dude with a gun.


Hey! I'm only fighting for my life, since I died and then was resurrected and forced to fight all sorts of strange creatures (all from the avatar who's from an anime called Gantz)



And, apparently, a soft, romantic side, since you post in the Relationship thread and (unlike Brickwall! :smallamused:) are here to talk instead of mock. Therefore we must assume you are more than you appear.


Yes I am. And I am a romantic. I'm totally soft inside, of course. That's what the sarcasm and bitterness is trying to protect...'Cause you know, even then, I get hurt a lot. I'm one of those fools who happily carry their heart on their sleeve.



And if your mood cycle truly does travel opposite the rest of us, perhaps your happiness is fed by our depression and sapped by our delights. :smallbiggrin:


Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Am I a reverse empath vampire? Hmmmm...That's got to be like +5 to ECL, I couldn't pull that off without computerized assistance :p

Nah!!! I love you all guys and really wish we'd be all posting sugary comments on how happy we are and how peachy life is ^^ That's why I'm here too, to help others learn from my mistakes.



Once again, totally candid, amusing, and innaccurate! Hooray for snap judgments! :smallbiggrin:

Yay! It was fun, I liked it. Thanks curly girl ;)

Dragonrider
2007-08-18, 09:25 PM
Nah!!! I love you all guys and really wish we'd be all posting sugary comments on how happy we are and how peachy life is ^^ That's why I'm here too, to help others learn from my mistakes.


:smallbiggrin: peachy! Man now I want peaches...we don't have peaches...maybe I can find something yummy to have instead....

Wow...this whole depressing romance thing has really messed with my eating and sleeping habits. Like...one day I'll stay up late and not sleep at all and then the next I can't get out of bed. And I should be eating like half again as much as I am. I guess I'm a bad person. But the thought of peaches makes me actually hungry so I will go grab a snack.

(notice how skillfully I guided my post back on topic :smallwink:)

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 09:31 PM
(notice how skillfully I guided my post back off topic :smallwink:)

Fixed.

Anyway, it might not be depression. Maybe you have too much caf?

Dragonrider
2007-08-18, 09:39 PM
I don't know how much that has to do with not eating enough....but whatever. :smalltongue:

Okay, so I tried anyway. :smallbiggrin:

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 10:06 PM
I don't know how much that has to do with not eating enough....but whatever. :smalltongue:

Okay, so I tried anyway. :smallbiggrin:

Caf affects sleep cycles most, and that affects eating cycles.

You're not suffering from actual depression yet.

Dragonrider
2007-08-18, 10:08 PM
Caf affects sleep cycles most, and that affects eating cycles.

You're not suffering from actual depression yet.

Clearly. You see these? :smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin:

:biggrin::biggrin:

I'm showing teeth! That means I'm not depressed! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I'm just...insane. Well, there's a tradeoff in that and I guess I'll roll with it. :smalltongue:

Serpentine
2007-08-18, 11:24 PM
I find it interesting that as we have become more and more socially, emotionally and psychologically complex as a species, we have 1. shaped sex into (officially) an extraordinarily distasteful thing and 2. in order to ensure that we keep breeding, developed overcomplex systems like "love", which quite likely lower our fitness outside of (and possibly even within) reproductive success, and a system of emotional and physical pleasure and satisfaction in the activity of sex.

<.<
>.>
>has been doing far too much Evolution class<

By the way, my glass is always at half it's potential capacity - not bad, but not as good as it could be ^_^

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 11:27 PM
Clearly. You see these? :smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin:

:biggrin::biggrin:

I'm showing teeth! That means I'm not depressed! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Yes, Mrs. Stepford. Now take your medicine.

*ahem*

With all the crazy complications surrounding sex these days, it might be a good thing that we've tried our best to make it harder to access. Might.

zeratul
2007-08-18, 11:55 PM
Brickwall is a soul-killing heart-grinder who cares nothing for the souls of others. Someday he is going to fall hard and fast for some girl and then we will all mock him mercilessly. :smallamused::smallbiggrin:

Zeratul is balanced on the...uh...brick wall between pessimism and optimism and is throwing out bits of philosophy to make the world stand still.

Logic is, well, logical. And smart too.

:smallbiggrin: Thus ends my brutally honest and comically off-target psychoanalysis of...you. Feel free to start throwing rotten vegetables at me if you don't like it. I'll hide behind the, uh, brickwall and hope that whatever Zeratul throws out will block them.

Actually, as much as I believe in that statement, I'm a pessamist. I know it's stupid that I am one, and I thuroughly believe in that statement, but I am a pessamistic person.

Ego Slayer
2007-08-18, 11:56 PM
By the way, my glass is always at half it's potential capacity - not bad, but not as good as it could be ^_^
My glass isn't half-empty. It's twice the size it should be.

Brickwall
2007-08-18, 11:58 PM
My glass is- hey, I ordered root beer! :smalltongue:

Cruxador
2007-08-19, 12:24 AM
My glass was half empty, but while no one was looking I have taken the liberty of topping it off.

Midnight Son
2007-08-19, 12:30 AM
So I went out and watched Stardust with my cousins and was feeling all good, but then the the radio played Lee Ann Womack's Why They Call it Falling (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb5svPxdDDE) and now I'm all depressed again.

SDF
2007-08-19, 12:38 AM
This is not the depression thread people :smallsigh: and where are you all getting these glasses? I don't even have a glass!

I think when it comes to other people there are no happy endings, just happy days. I suppose you just gotta take what you can these days. ^_^; Being single, I'm not even sure if I'm happy or sad anymore, I just kind of feel wonderfully melancholic.

Brickwall
2007-08-19, 12:40 AM
So I went out and watched Stardust with my cousins and was feeling all good, but then the the radio played Lee Ann Womack's Why They Call it Falling (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb5svPxdDDE) and now I'm all depressed again.

Oh, that is FAR from the most depressing song I've heard. It was almost cheerful. Lighten up, buddy. Or, if you like being depressed, I can find some REALLY sad songs for you.

Midnight Son
2007-08-19, 12:44 AM
No, it's not the most depressing one, but when you're coming out of a relationship on the losing end, any song that expresses that can set you off. I think you may be mistaking this thread for the Random Banter thread, Brickwall. I am genuinely hurting and you're making jokes.

Brickwall
2007-08-19, 12:57 AM
Okay, let's follow the Brickwall train of thought here:
Person=unhappy
Telling jokes=making people happier
Tell jokes to unhappy person.

I genuinely do experience emotions differently from people, so I honestly have no idea why you'd not be cheerable. I've never been so depressed that a good comedy movie wouldn't get me out of my funk for good. And I bet if other unhappy people would make themselves receptive to happiness, they wouldn't be so miserable.

Quit dwelling on it and go watch Monty Python. All of it. Always look on the bright side of life.

Midnight Son
2007-08-19, 12:59 AM
Telling a joke is fine as long as it's not making light of the person in question's feelings, which you did. The Bright Side of Life bit did actually help a little.

As for being depressed, A good comedy can get me out of a normal funk. I don't know if you've ever been deeply in love and then had everything go wrong, but that's where I am at the moment. I thought I had something wonderful and beautiful, and it all turned into a lie. Unless you've been on the side of thinking of someone else on a constant basis, then having that ripped away, you won't understand.

Brickwall
2007-08-19, 01:03 AM
Telling a joke is fine as long as it's not making light of the person in question's feelings, which you did. The Bright Side of Life bit did actually help a little.

Feelings are no more deserving of being taken seriously than anything else. And the fact that most people don't understand that seems to be the problem.

Seriously, if you take a look at yourself, you'll find a lot to laugh at. Take every opportunity to do so. You seriously think I don't get up in the morning and go a whole five minutes without finding something to laugh at? It's how a cynical jerk like me can be so cheery and hyper. Take a page from my book, MS, trust me. It might...not be booby-trapped.

P.S. As I write this, I am saying in my head, "Woo, look at me, I'm all serious and emo, and acting like I'm one of those strangely wise antiheroes! Like froma bad TV show!" See my point? :smallbiggrin:

Ego Slayer
2007-08-19, 01:06 AM
You seriously think I don't get up in the morning and go a whole five minutes without finding something to laugh at?
Pity we're not all Brickwall, eh?

Brickwall
2007-08-19, 01:35 AM
Pity we're not all Brickwall, eh?

Yes, it is a pity that not everyone is as awesome as me.

Here's the tip, though: get in the habit of looking. You're not going to laugh at the fact that your psychotic pet is chasing the floor if you don't pay attention to stuff like that. Observational humor is everywhere. You gotta stop and think about it.

You also have to be a little crazy. But it's a small price.

Logic
2007-08-19, 02:01 AM
Logic is, well, logical. And smart too.
So sigged. (At least someone recognizes my one true virtue!)

zeratul
2007-08-19, 02:33 AM
Brickwall is a soul-killing heart-grinder who cares nothing for the souls of others. Someday he is going to fall hard and fast for some girl and then we will all mock him mercilessly. :smallamused::smallbiggrin:

Zeratul is balanced on the...uh...brick wall between pessimism and optimism and is throwing out bits of philosophy to make the world stand still.

Logic is, well, logical. And smart too.

:smallbiggrin: Thus ends my brutally honest and comically off-target psychoanalysis of...you. Feel free to start throwing rotten vegetables at me if you don't like it. I'll hide behind the, uh, brickwall and hope that whatever Zeratul throws out will block them.

Heh, DR, that was a hardcore analogy, you get a cookie. On a side note this wall is kinda high up, can someone please help me down now?:smalleek:

Vampiric
2007-08-19, 06:08 AM
I'm just...insane. Well, there's a tradeoff in that and I guess I'll roll with it.:smalltongue:

I don't suffer from insanity...

I ENJOY IT!:smallbiggrin: MWAHAHAHA!

Yeah... I'm being random cos I think I managed the shortest relationship ever, well, one of them - 2 days. She wasn't feeling comfortable with it, something to do with her ex (she broke up quite recently). The only problem I have was that I was just getting into it...:smallfrown: Ah well, as said above, life goes on. Maybe I'll go watch Monty Python...:smallbiggrin:

Ego Slayer
2007-08-19, 10:37 AM
Here's the tip, though: get in the habit of looking. You're not going to laugh at the fact that your psychotic pet is chasing the floor if you don't pay attention to stuff like that. Observational humor is everywhere. You gotta stop and think about it.
Then I guess you're lucky to have the ability to evade the slightest depression as easily as you say you do. Not everyone can do that, and not every situation calls for it. When someone comes here feeling a little bit down, link some Monty Python clips... But have a little respect for the feelings of everyone else (Midnight). I've never seen "Oh, just cheer up!" work, and actually, I don't know of anyone who really want to hear that when there looking advice/sympathy/empathy.

Brickwall
2007-08-19, 11:06 AM
Because knowing that other people are sad is the best way to deal with depression. Misery does love company.

Tell you what: if you want empathy, I'll act all whiny and stuff whenever anybody else is sad. Because that will really help things. It won't make them worse at all. Nope. Two depressed people are better than one.

Ego Slayer
2007-08-19, 11:22 AM
Tell you what: if you want empathy, I'll act all whiny and stuff whenever anybody else is sad. Because that will really help things. It won't make them worse at all. Nope. Two depressed people are better than one.
See, right there, is a problem... You don't seem to take it seriously.

Empathy is being able to understand what someone else is going through, because you've been there yourself. I don't know about you, but if someone said to me "yeah, I know how it feels"... it wouldn't make things worse.

Why am I even trying to get my point across... :smallsigh:

Dragonrider
2007-08-19, 11:29 AM
:smallsigh: Don't forget, Brickwall's a soul-crushing demon.


:smallfrown: *hugs* to MS, that's an awful point to be in your life. I'm so sorry. I feel bad saying that because it feels useless, and so does "I know how you feel", and "this will pass" is just plain tactless, so I'll have to settle for "I hope you feel better soon." And taking a leaf out of Syka's book, *more hugs* and you can have my cookie from Zeratul. :smallsmile:

Brickwall
2007-08-19, 11:34 AM
See, right there, is a problem... You don't seem to take it seriously.

Empathy is being able to understand what someone else is going through, because you've been there yourself. I don't know about you, but if someone said to me "yeah, I know how it feels"... it wouldn't make things worse.

Why am I even trying to get my point across... :smallsigh:

I know, it must be like talking to a brick wall.

Nothing is so important that it always needs to be taken seriously. Believe me, I've got loads of book smarts on the horrors of romance. I live near a library, and I love nonfiction, so I read this crap all the time. And I read about depression too. And you know what? The problem I notice is that people forget what's good and happy in their lives and everyone else's. It would be a waste of my cruelty to tell them that other people are in the same, miserable hole that they are. Your best friend may be sitting in there with you, but I think that anyone would be more than willing to appreciate a ladder, whether they're alone or not.

Just pretend you get the metaphor. I'm no good with those. Smile and nod, just smile and nod.

Jibar
2007-08-19, 11:37 AM
:smallsigh: Don't forget, Brickwall's a soul-crushing demon.


I once heard Brickwall compared to a backwards Santa.
Instead of once a year, every day save one he would go around dealing out pain and misery to all. King over his enslaved Elven work folk who toiled to build his dark and sinister tools of eeevil, he would ride through the skies upon the back of his dreaded war mole. The children would look up and recoil from the sight of him, and he scream to the night...
"The glass isn't half full or half empty! It's full to the brim! With uriiiiiiiiiiiiiine! Bwahaha!"

Brickwall
2007-08-19, 11:40 AM
I once heard Brickwall compared to a backwards Santa.
Instead of once a year, every day save one he would go around dealing out pain and misery to all. King over his enslaved Elven work folk who toiled to build his dark and sinister tools of eeevil, he would ride through the skies upon the back of his dreaded war mole. The children would look up and recoil from the sight of him, and he scream to the night...
"The glass isn't half full or half empty! It's full to the brim! With uriiiiiiiiiiiiiine! Bwahaha!"

And on my day off, I give out presents and act jolly, just to mess with everyone's heads. :smallamused:

Although I've got a war badger. The mole kept running into stuff. I set him loose somewhere in North Dakota. Big guy loves it there. :smallbiggrin:

Dragonrider
2007-08-19, 11:41 AM
:smalltongue: Well, if he set out to live up to his name, he truly has fulfilled his purpose. He has the sensativity of a brick wall. It hurts to bang your head against one, that's why no one can argue with him. And he plops down on the railroad tracks of any sane argument and derails it.

:smallbiggrin: Man, I think I've got a gift for analogies. I can USE this!

But seriously...there's a time for humor and a time for...whatever the word is for the opposite of humor that I can't think of in the right tense right now.

Man, I just totally removed any credibility this post might have had. :smallamused:

Captain van der Decken
2007-08-19, 11:47 AM
King over his enslaved Elven work folk


Doesn't Santa already do that?

Anyway, backwards Santa is simpler than that. He just climbs down the chimney and steals all the little un's favourite toys.

Ego Slayer
2007-08-19, 11:55 AM
I know, it must be like talking to a brick wall.
Yeah, actually...


Believe me, I've got loads of book smarts on the horrors of romance.
Ahh, so you have no real first hand experience?


And I read about depression too. And you know what? The problem I notice is that people forget what's good and happy in their lives and everyone else's.
And that you don't have any first hand experience with the severity depression can reach?

:smallyuk:

I'm done. We're not getting anywhere...

Jibar
2007-08-19, 12:01 PM
Doesn't Santa already do that?

Anyway, backwards Santa is simpler than that. He just climbs down the chimney and steals all the little un's favourite toys.

Oh no, Santa pays his workers minimum waaaaage!
And they get dentaaaaaaal!

And shush. Backwards Santa works how I want him to work. :smalltongue:

Dragonrider
2007-08-19, 12:03 PM
Brickwall, you're a bit like my brother (checks around to be sure he isn't posting :smalltongue:). He is DETERMINED to never fall in love unless he's sure it's requited and he's old enough to get married. :smallbiggrin: it's quite hilarious actually, except when I'm having problems and then he's not as sensitive as I would like. The last couple weeks EVERYTHING he does annoys me....

But anyway. People like you guys (I was that way too, come to think of it) fall hard when you finally meet someone who breaks down your wall. :smallamused: Like I said before...that will be a great day.


I keep thinking I'm done complaining about my problems...but it's really hard not to. :smalltongue: I'm all right as long as I can keep from thinking about it, but everything reminds me and then I can't help it. I guess only time is gonna help that.


Edit: "breaks down your wall"?! HAHAHA, that almost works! :smallbiggrin: I didn't notice it till I was re-reading what I'd written.

Captain van der Decken
2007-08-19, 12:05 PM
If someone breaks his wall, will he just be a pile of bricks?

Edit: Aww, you noticed as I wrote the post.



And shush. Backwards Santa works how I want him to work. :smalltongue:



Robo-Santa is better anyday!

Brickwall
2007-08-19, 12:42 PM
Ahh, so you have no real first hand experience?

And that you don't have any first hand experience with the severity depression can reach?

I can imagine quite a lot. You think I don't know what's going through their heads? I do have a pretty good idea, and I know that nothing breaks that. Not even your 'empathy' helps. People like that just need to be prevented from going any farther until they get better themselves. Like a psychological coma, except usually not as serious.

And I believe I discussed that I'd never get in a relationship because there's nobody on Earth who could put up with me? You know it more than you think is polite to say. And I think you're brother's acting immature. "Old enough". He either hasn't hit puberty fully or he's just in the closet. I went through his stage years ago. Trust me, just give him a bit, and he'll move on to a whole new stage of insensitivity. Like me.

Pyrian
2007-08-19, 02:02 PM
Could you please take your insensivity to another thread? Maybe you could title it "post your relationship problems and get made fun of". :smallannoyed:

Brickwall
2007-08-19, 02:40 PM
Could you please take your insensivity to another thread? Maybe you could title it "post your relationship problems and get made fun of". :smallannoyed:

Nobody knows how good being made fun of is for them. I doubt people would be wise enough to go there. :smallwink:

Logic
2007-08-19, 02:50 PM
Brickwall, though for some people, being berated and made fun of while they are low and depressed brings some people out of depression; (the second quickest route to anger for me) for most, it only makes them feel worse. I do not believe you are helping anyone and your "advice" is counterproductive.

Brickwall
2007-08-19, 03:00 PM
Brickwall, though for some people, being berated and made fun of while they are low and depressed brings some people out of depression; (the second quickest route to anger for me) for most, it only makes them feel worse. I do not believe you are helping anyone and your "advice" is counterproductive.

Fine, fine, I won't help you bums. But seriously don't come whining to me expecting sympathy. I'll send something to cheer you up, if you ask, though. I have a fairly empty PM box. And I know how to find the silliest stuff.

Ego Slayer
2007-08-19, 03:22 PM
But seriously don't come whining to me expecting sympathy.
If that has to be your attitude, why would we when we could come here and get respectful, genuine advice, and support...

Vampiric
2007-08-19, 03:24 PM
Fine, fine, I won't help you bums. But seriously don't come whining to me expecting sympathy. I'll send something to cheer you up, if you ask, though. I have a fairly empty PM box. And I know how to find the silliest stuff.

Not likely, with the way you're addressing us... Mostly, the way to get people to talk to you is with a little thing I like to call respect. And you can respect someone while making fun if them. However, what you are doing is wholesale bullying... en masse. And nobody, AFAIC, on this thread, whines. Everyone on this thread has a valuable, and relevant point. Well, perhaps with the exception of you.:smallannoyed:

Aramil Liadon
2007-08-19, 05:47 PM
Umm, I'd say that he's left the thread and there's no point in continuing to flame him. Honestly, you'd think he was the Berlin wall or something, you're beating on him so much. After all, he does seem to be sincere.

So can we get back to the Woes and Advice, please?

Syka
2007-08-19, 06:31 PM
Well, it would appear Jerkface isn't speaking with me, even though I've sent him two messages (different things, both with questions that needed answering...I didn't think I'm in the wrong, since it was something I'd ask a friend and could no way be misconstrued). Why isn't he? Dunno. :smallannoyed: No advice needed. I just wanted to update y'all. I'm moving on, I'm not going to worry about him.

And if he tries to spark up a conversation at some point he is getting a big helping of "go away and shut up". :smallamused:

And yes, if anything else happens I'll let you guys in on it. :)

Cheers,
Syka

zeratul
2007-08-19, 10:03 PM
Because knowing that other people are sad is the best way to deal with depression. Misery does love company.

Tell you what: if you want empathy, I'll act all whiny and stuff whenever anybody else is sad. Because that will really help things. It won't make them worse at all. Nope. Two depressed people are better than one.

Ok, brickwall. Here's the deal, you are not helping these people, you are making things worse. People usually don't wanna hear "Cheer up ya sound like a wuss!" when they're sad. So try to be more considerate, and stop judging people.


Nobody knows how good being made fun of is for them. I doubt people would be wise enough to go there. :smallwink:

Wait me thinking of suicide is good for me? Man I'm confused now

Midnight Son
2007-08-20, 12:07 AM
I'd like to thank everyone for their sympathy and hugs. they really have helped. I'm sure I'll make it through. *Oooh look, a cookie.*

Anyway, if you couldn't tell by my original post, (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=51789&page=19#562) I've spent quite a bit of time moping around and feeling sorry for myself. Well, it's time to get up off the couch and get on with it. I'm sure I'll still feel down from time to time(okay, a lot), but it's good to know that I have a place to turn if I need it.

First things first. Time for a siggy change.

Zeb The Troll
2007-08-20, 01:16 AM
I'd like to thank everyone for their sympathy and hugs. they really have helped. I'm sure I'll make it through. *Oooh look, a cookie.*

Anyway, if you couldn't tell by my original post, (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=51789&page=19#562) I've spent quite a bit of time moping around and feeling sorry for myself. Well, it's time to get up off the couch and get on with it. I'm sure I'll still feel down from time to time(okay, a lot), but it's good to know that I have a place to turn if I need it.

First things first. Time for a siggy change.I'm really sorry to hear about this. I don't have any cookies, but how about we go for a ride? A little fresh air to clear the mind for a bit always helps me feel better, even if just for a bit.

http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i278/wolfshonor/gifs/hg-zeb.gifhttp://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i278/wolfshonor/gifs/hg-midnightson.gif

Quincunx
2007-08-20, 06:57 AM
The long, slow train-wreck of this relationship is over, Syka? I cannot tell you how glad I am! It's been a two-thread-spanning low-grade disaster area and worse for knowing that neither of you were identifiably wrong (until after the breakup, where he moved onto Wrong territory). You're one of the most level-headed collegiates I know or have known; go forth and ground the flights of a committed romantic!

Dragonrider
2007-08-20, 02:49 PM
I concur with the above, Syka; you're handling it amazingly well. :smallsmile:

Logic
2007-08-20, 03:04 PM
The long, slow train-wreck of this relationship is over, Syka? I cannot tell you how glad I am! It's been a two-thread-spanning low-grade disaster area and worse for knowing that neither of you were identifiably wrong (until after the breakup, where he moved onto Wrong territory). You're one of the most level-headed collegiates I know or have known; go forth and ground the flights of a committed romantic!

This may not be a fair assesment. While her ex appears to be a jerk, I do not believe it could be accurately described as a "low-grade disaster." If nothing else, she has learned something, and I am pretty sure she enjoyed a good portion of her time spent with him. Your description of the events almost makes it sound like Syka "should have known better." People get fooled. Even the smart ones.

FdL
2007-08-20, 03:06 PM
This may not be a fair assesment. While her ex appears to be a jerk, I do not believe it could be accurately described as a "low-grade disaster."

You think it's an overstatement or an understatement?

Logic
2007-08-20, 03:08 PM
You think it's an overstatement or an understatement?I don't think it was a disaster. A disasterous relationship is one where a restraining order has to be filed.

FdL
2007-08-20, 03:12 PM
I don't think it has to come to that to be considered a disaster. I mean, when it comes to feelings and expectations and love, it's not possible to measure the impact it has on you. I think the restraining order scenario is quite an extreme of how things can go bad in a relationship. But it can feel horrible and be totally crushing without involving violence or the law.

Dragonrider
2007-08-20, 03:14 PM
It sounds like Syka's relationship just kind of crumbled and fell apart. I think it would qualify for "distaster" if it exploded with the force of a nuclear bomb. Which, I suppose, could have been possible....

FdL
2007-08-20, 03:24 PM
Meh. I have a natural tendency to exaggerate...

Quincunx
2007-08-20, 03:48 PM
A federal disaster area, then, for weeks and more watching the storm approach and being unable to do or say anything to divert it, when both participants are already doing all they can to make it work (sandbagging?)--does that carry the metaphor further?

If the relationship gets to the restraining order stage, it's moved beyond "disaster" and into compound inventions the board filter won't like. My favorite begins with "conniving-" and eventually winds its way to "-weasel".

FdL
2007-08-20, 04:23 PM
I was thinking of how pointless is to tell I girl that I find her beautiful or that I like how she looks. From a pragmatic point of view, it doesn't get me nothing. There's no point in doing it unless you time it well or know for certain that it's going to have an effect.

Besides, I've been thinking lately, as part of my online conversations with this girl, MR. Well, she's a very beautiful girl, and I don't know why I feel the urge of expressing this to her (sometimes I even do). But the thing is, it doesn't matter really. It's not a relevant point to bring up, I mean, people are just the way they are, they don't think of themselves as being pretty or something. It's something that is only on the outside.
You can't define a person for how it looks, and though physical attraction is a major element in relationships, I'm thinking I can't just base on that for approaching someone I like...Especially because most of the time it's not reciprocal.

Also, I've never known a girl that can take a compliments. At best they say thank you, as to be polite, but most of the time it kinda weirds them out. Of course, it's probably me. I'm not doing it right, or it's they have no interest in me or that I'm ugly or something.

I don't know...It's getting more difficult for me. For now, I'm not going to do it anymore.

Well, this was my current depressed rant of the day. I hope it passes, and also I hope this means everyone else around here is in the exact opposite mood :p

Sir_Norbert
2007-08-20, 05:05 PM
Also, I've never known a girl that can take a compliments. At best they say thank you, as to be polite, but most of the time it kinda weirds them out. Of course, it's probably me. I'm not doing it right, or it's they have no interest in me or that I'm ugly or something.
Or it's just the girl -- they're all different. My last girlfriend didn't take compliments easily even when we were together; I've known plenty of other girls who are and always will be just friends who really show how much they appreciate it.

Dragonrider
2007-08-20, 06:25 PM
It always surprises me when anyone notices me at all. That's not false modesty. it leaves me doubly unprepared when it's a compliment. "Uh...what? you're talking to me?" (stammers) "Uhh...thanks." :smalltongue:

Part of the confusion with my 'interest' this summer (dang I can't think of a word that works...ok, henceforth he will go by his middle name, Leonardo :smallamused:) was that he kept being really sweet to me and saying nice stuff... "Black is your color," that kind of thing, it was just highly unusual for him. I still don't know what was going on in his head, he's not the type to do that just to make me crazy.....:smallannoyed:

FdL
2007-08-20, 08:52 PM
Or it's just the girl -- they're all different. My last girlfriend didn't take compliments easily even when we were together; I've known plenty of other girls who are and always will be just friends who really show how much they appreciate it.

Hmmm...I think my ex gf was better at this. But anyway, I think it might be something about me, because it's the same with almost everybody.

Could it be that in my way of overcoming my shyness towards women, I've actually become *gasp* a little blunt??? I'm always really polite when I say it, and make sure it doesn't make her uncomfortable, and that we have enough confidence for me to tell her...I don't know...


It always surprises me when anyone notices me at all. That's not false modesty. it leaves me doubly unprepared when it's a compliment. "Uh...what? you're talking to me?" (stammers) "Uhh...thanks." :smalltongue:


Yeah, that can be part of it, sure. I can understand that. I mean, I don't know how I'd react if I was the complimentee.



Part of the confusion with my 'interest' this summer (dang I can't think of a word that works...ok, henceforth he will go by his middle name, Leonardo :smallamused:) was that he kept being really sweet to me and saying nice stuff... "Black is your color," that kind of thing, it was just highly unusual for him. I still don't know what was going on in his head, he's not the type to do that just to make me crazy.....:smallannoyed:

Well, this is good to understand women, because maybe they're thinking like you and reacting similarly. The guy was probably wanting to say nice things to you as a reaction to seeing you as a beautiful girl.

I don't think anyone does it to confuse people, though it's a common reaction if you don't see it coming. I think there's no bad way to take a compliment, in that it's always positive. Sometimes it will be "just a compliment". Other times it will mean that person likes you and he's expressing it, letting you know.

And we all like it, it makes you feel nice ( I guess). That's another reason why I do it. But the "expressing" and the "letting her know" are my main motives for it.

And really, being that I give an image of being serious and shy, it must take people off guard. That's why I seldom gt good results...

But meh, I think I'm not going to do it anymore until I know how it works.

ocato
2007-08-20, 10:02 PM
Well, those of you who remember me know I used to be a fairly common poster on this site. I had to disappear because a couple dozen million problems sort of collided (see the depression thread that apparently disappeared a long, long time ago for details). Well, now I'm at college and already I am pretty unhappy. I can't explain why, I just really want to meet someone.
A girl someone. I actually paid dollars to join adultfriendfinder.com because I thought it'd somehow involve me meeting a really neat girl. Which sort of worked because I tried to talk to this girl but I never got a response.
Lately I've been getting really drunk every night.
I can't explain why my life always seems to go for the worst. I can't ever meet people. I sort of hate myself because I am simultaineous insanely eager to meet humans and I hate all humans.

I don't know whats going on in my life. I sort of hate myself.

FdL
2007-08-20, 11:03 PM
Well, it's sad to hear that. I mean, I'm not going to lie you and tell you that it's easy to find love and be happy. 'Cause it's not.

We're all struggling to find love here, you'll know if you have read even a few posts of this thread. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Most of the time it doesn't work, even if you meet a girl and start something. It's not easy, I tell you. And sadly there are no formulas for that. Only humble advice from those who have had a little experience, or just people that even if they don't know who you are want to help you. It's a good community here, it's really valuable to have people like these around.

I don't know much about how to solve your problem, because it's similar to what I'm going through. But lately I've been thinking it has to do with trying to feel good about yourself. Self esteem, and also it's no good obsessing with what you can't have. It's better to have a more casual and positive attitude about it. Well, it's not a sure formula, but I think life is about loving you first and then learn to love others (and be loved by them).

If you want to tell us more about what you're doing and why do you think it doesn't work, we'll try to help as much as we can. I really hope you can feel better, because that drinking thing is not good for you and hating isn't either. You can't hate everyone, and especially not yourself.

Life is difficult, but hey, we have to pull ourselves together and give it our best, don't we?

Zeb The Troll
2007-08-20, 11:27 PM
ocato - The first thing I'd suggest is not drowning your sorrows. I'm sure you know this, but it only exacerbates the problem. Alcohol is a depressant. It's like trying to put out a fire by dousing yourself in gasoline.

The next thing I'd suggest is severing all ties to adultfriendfinder. I tried that a while back too. I've found that most of the profiles there are bogus and the ones you'd actually like to contact require you to pay a substantial fee to do so. It's totally not worth it. If you're willing to pay for a dating site, I have some other recommendations that should yield far better results.

Lastly, network. Find an organization, a group, club, league, whatever that does something you're interested. You're in college. There's a club for everything. Don't necessarily expect it to land you a date, but it will give you something to do, it will help to remove the aura of desperation you're likely giving off, and it will put you in contact with people. You can't meet anyone if you aren't meeting anyone. Savvy?

I realize that last bit will be the hardest part to do, but it's just as important as the first, if not moreso.

Vonriel
2007-08-20, 11:28 PM
ocato, if I'm understanding right, you're just starting college? It's not the lack of a girlfriend that you're feeling. I'm willing to be lots of shiny green paper that it's general loneliness. Up until this point in your life, you've always had your parents, siblings, friends, etc. living nearby, but now that you're at college, you're alone. Whatever you do, don't seek to fill the gap with a girlfriend; it will - I repeat, will - lead to problems, and a place you probably don't want to wind up in.

I'll elaborate once I hear either confirmation or rebuttal to what I've written.

ocato
2007-08-20, 11:50 PM
Well, I used to go to this community college in kokomo that was an off-shoot campus of IU. I got to live in my home with my parents and do my stuff. My parents sort of decided that since my sister goes to IU at bloomington and made friends and got some guy to hang around her then so should I. So I spent all this money and signed this lease so that I could put my entire future into the hands of a bunch of strangers that I am living with and don't even know, and they all go out and have fun and already know people and I don't and its really depressing me. Pretty much the bullet points are that I live in a strange town full of people, my own sister and her friends shun me and act like they hate me, and nowadays I get really drunk because I just want someone to hang out with and maybe even cuddle a little. This is this huge transition from my old life that consisted of living out of my room and being a total recluse to being thrown into the middle of this social word that I threw my entire financial future behind. Pretty much I took out loans and paid good cash monies to make friends and be a normal happy person and it hasn't really panned out. I don't know why I expect it to because I just sit in my room and drink heavily. The highlight of my life is that I am learning to cook. I can't explain it, but I am pretty much killing myself with negativity. I don't understand it but I am pretty much only happy when someone loves me. Is that as stupid as I think it is or what?

Brickwall
2007-08-20, 11:58 PM
1. Stop drinking. I don't mean, stop drinking excessively, STOP DRINKING. Maybe you can pick it up again when your life is healthy. but it's not now. Put down the bottle. I mean it. DO IT.

2. Go out and introduce yourself to people. Machine guns are effective because they fire a lot of bullets. It's a good strategy, and they hit a lot of marks. So should you be, introducing yourself to anyone who sits close to you for five seconds. If one in a thousand people might want to be friends with you, introduce yourself to a few thousand people. Of course, most people have a much better rate than one in a thousand (even you). So here's the deal: if you can introduce yourself to five people a day, you'll be set soon enough.

3. Watch this. (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5340142020961846351&q=potterpuppetpals%2Byule%2Bball&hl=en) If you can listen past the loud, annoying fans, you'll have some laughs. If you don't, you're a sad, sad person.

NO DRINKING.

Vonriel
2007-08-21, 12:10 AM
*nod* I thought that was it.

No, you're not stupid. It's a huge shift in life-styles, even though I imagine most of it is probably the same. How, you may ask? Well, you can still sit around in your room, can you not? What has changed about being able to game all day? These things were comfortable for you before, so are they no longer so great now?

Do you live with your sister now? Or is it a bunch of people who were looking for a roommate that you managed to hook up with? If it's the second, live there as long as you are able. In the mean time, get to the campus and find a gaming group of some sort. Even if there are only three people and they meet at some dude's dorm to play Wii for a few hours and munch on fried chicken each week. This would most likely be the best way for you to find people more like you, who you can connect with. Doing what you did is only the start - you're out there looking, but now you gotta find a group of people with similar enough interests to hang around with. Just being part of a group will do nothing, especially if this group is so different from you that you can't do anything more than sit there awkwardly. And, in fact, that may cause more harm than good.

Again, it's not stupid to want to be loved. In fact, I'd call it integral to the human condition. However, unless I missed something along the way, your parents still love you, so why do you seem to think you're not loved? Remember that.

Stop drinking, now. No, not after tonight, now. Preferrably, twenty minutes ago, but since that's impossible, now will do. You're going to drive more people away with that habit. It's self-defeating. You'll wind up drinking because you want to hang out with people, people will stay away from you because they're no longer seeing you as a party-goer but rather a drunk, you'll drink even more because there's no one around and you hope there will be. It's a bad spiral, and you gotta stop it. Zeb's mostly right, except the part about gasoline (it's the fumes which ignite, not the liquid itself :smallwink:) Alcohol is a depressant, it does nothing to help you. It doesn't make you more fun, it in fact makes you almost drowsy. That is, the opposite of what you're striving for.

Above all else, being in similar external situations as you are now, you will get nowhere being antisocial/introverted. You have to do as Brickwall said, get out and meet people. Get a job at a department store if you have to, where you can talk to anyone and everyone who comes in. Just get out and do things.

Serpentine
2007-08-21, 12:15 AM
Also, I've never known a girl that can take a compliments. At best they say thank you, as to be polite, but most of the time it kinda weirds them out.
Meh. Just because I can't see it, doesn't mean I don't like hearing it :smalltongue:

Ocato, I think cooking is a very good start. You have classes, right? Start inviting people that look interesting back for tea and/or a meal. I made several friends that way, and they introduced me to other people who also came 'round to tea, etc. etc. I'm not sure what your living situation is exactly, but if it's uncomfortable for tea suggest that a bunch of you go out to a cafe ("study session"? :smallwink:), or if the number of people living there makes dinner awkward time it for a night/weekend where they all go out, or organise to go to a restraunt - another thing done reasonably frequently in my first year. In fact, I should organise another one to regroup with everyone... Anyway, your classes and uni clubs should be a rich source of socialisation. You just (ha) have to get out and talk to people... But seek to make friends, not girlfriends. They can come later, no hurry.

Vonriel
2007-08-21, 12:17 AM
Also, I forgot to mention: Let the people you meet (after you quit drinking - you have quit, right? quit, now) know you're looking for a new place to stay. Switching roommates sounds like it might relieve some of the problems you're currently having, and will have the plus of getting you some cool people to hang out with constantly.

ocato
2007-08-21, 12:59 AM
Well, I currently live with my kid sister and two of her friends. She doesn't really talk to them/me and spends 90% of her time out being a sassmodrunk with her boyfriend. I don't really know what is going on, but she is really angry or mean to me when she gets home. Her 'friends' barely see her and she isn't super nice to them when she's home. She sorta promised to be my guide here then got super happy to be 'home' and disappeared. I spent today with my less obnoxious room mate, who is cool but has a boyfriend who lives in evansville. We went shopping for dinner(s) and sort of acted like a couple as we shopped. It was probably all in my mind. I probably destroyed any credit I had with her by getting super drunk when we got home then describing the movie Uncle Buck to her with excessive hand gestures.

My problem is that my only 'real' relationships have been with girls online so I don't know how to meet real ones. We talk in the super nonthreatening world of the internet and they like my personality because they don't have to see my face. Then I drive/fly/tricycle to their hometown and we have adult fun. Then we later break up because those things just don't ever pan out what with the distances and then I spend 2 years hating myself. So now here I am on the cusp of real human adulthood and I'm drinking vodka with moutain dew and complaining on a website that has already forgotten me. My real problem is that if I saw 5 attractive girls talking about this website and going on about how great they thought this 'ocato' guy was and then specifically asked me if I was him, then described how much they wished I was so they could make out with me in a bubble bath, I'd still probably go 'uh, er, I gotta go' and leave immediately.

I'll shut up now.

Serpentine
2007-08-21, 01:10 AM
complaining on a website that has already forgotten me.
I hadn't forgotten you. :smallfrown: I may not have noticed you were gone, but that's because my brain is broken, there's lots of other people to notice, and anyway it's harder to notice something's absence than its presence... But I still remember you :smallfrown:
If you really are worried about your behaviour when you got drunk, tell her that you're sorry. Admitting you were a (phallus) can be a better reflection on your character than merely being a (phallus). And if you like hanging around her, feel free to ask if you can tag along with her if she's going out with friends. You might find a friend (or more) amongst hers, it'll get you out meeting people, and if worse comes to worst and you have nothing in common with any of them and just sit around being awkward, then you simply don't hang out with them again. I'm sure your housemate'll understand if you just don't click with her friends, and at least you did something. I think I've already given the only other advice I have...

Iudex Fatarum
2007-08-21, 02:27 AM
So here is a great one, that I just must ask about.
As much as I don't like to play cupid I have one friend who is male lets call him bob for now, who has a crush on a mutual friend's sister, lets call her alice.
Now Alice also has a crush on Bob.
the great part is neither realize the other likes them. and even worse is that Bob who acts like himself when he is not interested in a girl feels down because Alice is starting to dislike him because he isn't actin himself.

So what do I do? Also just FYI the brother of Alice supports Bob dating her and he is the older brother of alice so quite important to get the suport of.

Zeb The Troll
2007-08-21, 02:39 AM
So here is a great one, that I just must ask about.
As much as I don't like to play cupid I have one friend who is male lets call him bob for now, who has a crush on a mutual friend's sister, lets call her alice.
Now Alice also has a crush on Bob.
the great part is neither realize the other likes them. and even worse is that Bob who acts like himself when he is not interested in a girl feels down because Alice is starting to dislike him because he isn't actin himself.

So what do I do? Also just FYI the brother of Alice supports Bob dating her and he is the older brother of alice so quite important to get the suport of.That's an interesting spot to be in. If it were me the next time Alice mentions Bob acting weird I'd say something like "word on the street is it's because he's into you". Or maybe don't wait for that specific circumstance. Actually, I'd do the same with Bob. Just indepedently let each of them know that they might have a higher than expected shot at a positive result if they were to approach the other.

Vampiric
2007-08-21, 06:46 AM
So here is a great one, that I just must ask about.
As much as I don't like to play cupid I have one friend who is male lets call him bob for now, who has a crush on a mutual friend's sister, lets call her alice.
Now Alice also has a crush on Bob.
the great part is neither realize the other likes them. and even worse is that Bob who acts like himself when he is not interested in a girl feels down because Alice is starting to dislike him because he isn't actin himself.

So what do I do? Also just FYI the brother of Alice supports Bob dating her and he is the older brother of alice so quite important to get the suport of.

Wow. That's almost so funny, it's painful. I think that Zeb (as usual *grumble*:smallbiggrin:) has got it right, either that, or get a friend, and organise a way to get them together, and make sure no-one interrupts them...:smallwink:

mudbunny
2007-08-21, 08:06 AM
ocato

I will start off by reinforcing what others have already said.

STOP DRINKING

It will not help you, it will only make things worse.

Other than that, others have already said everything that I would say.

Also, please check your in-box.

Syka
2007-08-21, 09:17 AM
Everyone has it pretty much covered as far as I can tell.

Me? Eh, he IM'ed me a couple nights ago but got off before I could say anything.

I'm with Logic, I don't think it was a diasaster until after June. Then, yes, admittedly I was acting stupid because I should have known better than to try and be friends with someone who was acting that way. But I did enjoy the vast majority of the time up until the end of June. :)

In other news, I'm doing a "24 hours Film Rush Competition" with a few friends. We got put in a group with some other people. Most of those other people were male...attractive males, with fun personalities. When we broke for dinner, the first comment my friend made when we got in the car was, "Is it just me, or are they unusually good looking?" Heh. It's not like anything'll happen, but they're nice guys and I'm hoping I've made friends amongst the group (and yes, there was another girl who was really nice). I don't know how we managed it but the group dynamic is great. No one has fought, it's just been a creative exchange. :smallsmile:

The Film Rush is basically they put you in a group and you have 24 hours to write, film, and edit a short movie. My friends and I left around 2:30 because our driver was starting to fall asleep, and they were still there. I know at least two of the guys acting were beginning to fall asleep, too.

Cheers,
Syka...who's exhausted...

Jibar
2007-08-21, 10:01 AM
My problem is that my only 'real' relationships have been with girls online so I don't know how to meet real ones. We talk in the super nonthreatening world of the internet and they like my personality because they don't have to see my face. Then I drive/fly/tricycle to their hometown and we have adult fun. Then we later break up because those things just don't ever pan out what with the distances and then I spend 2 years hating myself.

Right, Jibby's going to try and help here because you raised points he thinks he can help with.

1. Online and offline makes no difference. Just as you are no different when you're offline, the womens are not different either. Treat a conversation in the real world as you would online, just without so much backspaces. :smallwink:


2. Why are distances a problem? We've got quite a efw examples of good long distance relationships here on the board, and I know quite a efw people who are having great luck with long distance. My sister for example, has been having to do the long distance thing with her boyfriend because they;re in different Universities.
You just gotta try. If any long distance relationship fell apart, it's because both of you weren't putting in the necessary effort. Remember: Love knows no bounds, whether time, space, gender or species.

3. Seriously, stop drinking vodka. Vodka is for teenagers who think it's clever and unemployed people.

Vonriel
2007-08-21, 10:11 AM
My problem is that my only 'real' relationships have been with girls online so I don't know how to meet real ones. ... So now here I am on the cusp of real human adulthood and I'm drinking vodka with moutain dew and complaining on a website that has already forgotten me.

Couple things. First off, you haven't quit drinking. Stop it. Now. Again, an hour ago was preferrable, but now would be good. Pour it all down the sink if you have to. Just stop it. Next, stop looking for a girlfriend. I know, this seems rather counterproductive, but stop. The way you are now, if you do find someone who is awesome and perfect for you, as much as I hate to say it, you will screw it up. Wait until you've adjusted to your new life, and have stopped it with the drinking. The former won't come until the latter is accomplished, at least in the short term.

Now, the "stops" are over with. You're doing well in getting out with the one roommate. It will take time, that's the most important thing to remember. In all the times I've moved, I've been able to sit at a table with the first people I saw and have them be worth knowing maybe twice. Keep this in mind, and then make opportunities for you to go back out with this roommate. Again, though, don't go into this thinking of it as a possible relationship. You're not going to be able to juggle both a girlfriend and the lifestyle change, and you'll only wind up hurting yourself if you try.

Again, stop drinking. Normally I wouldn't tell someone this because it feels like forcing my views on them, but this isn't from any point of view I hold. This isn't from my opinion on what drinking does, but rather for your benefit. At some point later in life, when you can keep it down to a drink just to relax you, or maybe a social drink when you're out with friends, then yeah, by all means, enjoy yourself. But drinking to get drunk? No, that's bad.

Edit: Hah! You almost thought I was going to forget about forgetting about you, didn't you? Well, not today. If we have forgotten about you, then why are we doing our level best to help you? There's always people who care, even if they seem rare or distant. So, no, we haven't "already forgotten you." And if I do, well, I give you permission to kick me in the shin if we ever meet, or something.

Lilly
2007-08-21, 10:44 AM
Have you considered asking to go out with your roomates when they leave to go be social? If they are reasonable people at all, they'll let you come along and you'll probably meet people wherever they go.

Also, you're in college. You have grades and classes to worry about. Maybe instead of drinking when you get lonely you could study? If you happen to come across a really interesting topic then do more research on it. The people in your classes are going to be a good resource. Even if you don't think you need it, get a study group going, especially if you have a few classes with a core group of people.

If you really want to meet girls on a college campus, take a couple of psychology courses.

ocato
2007-08-21, 12:28 PM
I'd like to apologize for being a complaining jerk last night, and a few things stand to be clarified.

I'm not a regular drinker. Over the weekend I sat down and had a few girl beers (smirnoff ice) while messing around on the internet without any kind of incident or real drunkenness. Even that is a rarity for me. Just for some reason last night I felt like crap. So I appreciate the concern but it may be a bit early for the links to the AA websites :)

Classes haven't started yet, they begin monday. So pretty much now that the apartment is set up and the groceries are bought and the dinners are set up for me to cook, I have a moderate amount of nothing to do. I could go look for a job but my ass is dragging pretty hard on that.

My sister, her boyfriend, and their friends don't seem to like me at all, which is cool. You have to do your own thing, and I'm avoiding forcibly tagging along with them to avoid resentment and awkwardness. Same with my other Room mates, they have lives and friends and don't want or need me following them like an obnoxious puppy.

I know that throwing myself at any old girl is probably a bad idea. I just have a hard time distinguishing healthy happiness from being in a relationship because they tend to happen at the same time for me. It's a confidence issue. I don't need to impress anyone, I don't care what people think, somebody loves me for a reason other than blood or obligation and therefore I must be pretty neat.

Also, I am a bit surprised at how well I typed most of my posts last night. Have fun and good luck to the other people who feel the need to post here. This is a good community full of people who don't tell you to throw your drunk ass off a bridge to stop you from whining.

magicwalker
2007-08-21, 12:53 PM
@Ocato: As everyone has said, you yourself even, your drinking is a problem. Drinking alone is never good. If you are going to drink, drink socially. If your drinking impedes your ability to be social, try less or none. Being a designated driver or designated sober-buddy speaks to one's character and lets people know you care about their well-being. Remember that most, okay some, awkward situations that result from imbibing substances can be written off with a sincere apology -intention makes a big difference.

Now that you are at a university, you've achieved step one. It's not the end-all-be-all. You're in a place with a lot of like-minded people, good. The amount of people can be isolating at times, but think of it as an opportunity. You can still do whatever you want for yourself, with all these other resources available to you, or you can practically reinvent yourself. It is entirely up to you, but only you can make that decision.

If you put yourself out there, people you have classes with.. section, group, whatever.. someone _will_ reciprocate your attention. Once you've established a basis of friends, you can move on to relationships. Until that point, I would recommend that you think about what you really want.

potatocubed
2007-08-21, 02:35 PM
So here is a great one, that I just must ask about.
As much as I don't like to play cupid I have one friend who is male lets call him bob for now, who has a crush on a mutual friend's sister, lets call her alice.
Now Alice also has a crush on Bob.
the great part is neither realize the other likes them. and even worse is that Bob who acts like himself when he is not interested in a girl feels down because Alice is starting to dislike him because he isn't actin himself.

So what do I do? Also just FYI the brother of Alice supports Bob dating her and he is the older brother of alice so quite important to get the suport of.

I've been in this position. I lured (dragged) the would-be lovebirds into a room and said "You! He likes you! You! She likes you! Sort it out!" and then I left with assorted flailings and imprecations. They were a couple for a while, then split up as some couples do. *shrug*

See, I figure life is too short for avoidable unhappiness. Even if you're not feeling as bolshy as I was, I'd call Bob and say "Good news! Turns out Alice fancies you!" and then call Alice and say "Good news! Bob fancies you!". If they still won't do anything, there's no helping them.

FdL
2007-08-21, 06:16 PM
I've been in this position. I lured (dragged) the would-be lovebirds into a room and said "You! He likes you! You! She likes you! Sort it out!" and then I left with assorted flailings and imprecations. They were a couple for a while, then split up as some couples do. *shrug*

See, I figure life is too short for avoidable unhappiness. Even if you're not feeling as bolshy as I was, I'd call Bob and say "Good news! Turns out Alice fancies you!" and then call Alice and say "Good news! Bob fancies you!". If they still won't do anything, there's no helping them.

Totally quoted for truth there. I agree, life is short and it's kinda stupid to linger on things like these, especially when facing them brings something so great. Hey, even if you weren't sure the other person likes you, it's worth it.

It's weird because sometimes people don't think enough, but there are other times were we think too much. I've been an overthinker all my life when it comes to revealing my feelings for a girl. I've managed to become the opposite, and I'm glad I did. It just has to be natural, spontaneous. You know what you want, so go for it.

It could be that it comes with age and maturity, I guess. My
12-27ish year old self wouldn't be saying these things :D

Well, that's something positive I like about me. Yay! ^^

PS: My mood is slightly better. I'm sorry for the rest of you :p (in-joke)

Logic
2007-08-22, 05:05 PM
...and nowadays I get really drunk because I just want someone to hang out with and maybe even cuddle a little.

I'm not a regular drinker. Over the weekend I sat down and had a few girl beers (smirnoff ice) while messing around on the internet without any kind of incident or real drunkenness. Even that is a rarity for me. Just for some reason last night I felt like crap. So I appreciate the concern but it may be a bit early for the links to the AA websites :)

Stop drinking ocato. Unless the first statement is a mistake, then you do have a problem. Most people deny they have a problem to begin with, and based on all the information you have provided, you sound as if you do.

Stop drinking.

bosssmiley
2007-08-22, 05:16 PM
I'd like to apologize for being a complaining jerk last night, and a few things stand to be clarified.

*pfffft* Who hasn't done something daft when they've been drunk? Water under the bridge mate. :smallwink:


I'm not a regular drinker. Over the weekend I sat down and had a few girl beers (smirnoff ice) while messing around on the internet without any kind of incident or real drunkenness. Even that is a rarity for me. Just for some reason last night I felt like crap. So I appreciate the concern but it may be a bit early for the links to the AA websites :)

Classes haven't started yet, they begin monday. So pretty much now that the apartment is set up and the groceries are bought and the dinners are set up for me to cook, I have a moderate amount of nothing to do. I could go look for a job but my ass is dragging pretty hard on that.

My sister, her boyfriend, and their friends don't seem to like me at all, which is cool. You have to do your own thing, and I'm avoiding forcibly tagging along with them to avoid resentment and awkwardness. Same with my other Room mates, they have lives and friends and don't want or need me following them like an obnoxious puppy.

I know that throwing myself at any old girl is probably a bad idea. I just have a hard time distinguishing healthy happiness from being in a relationship because they tend to happen at the same time for me. It's a confidence issue. I don't need to impress anyone, I don't care what people think, somebody loves me for a reason other than blood or obligation and therefore I must be pretty neat.

Also, I am a bit surprised at how well I typed most of my posts last night. Have fun and good luck to the other people who feel the need to post here. This is a good community full of people who don't tell you to throw your drunk ass off a bridge to stop you from whining.

Seriously mate. It sound like you need to get off the blog-ter-tubes for a while and hang out with your room-mates. I can understand your sister keeping her distance (siblings can be a source of horrific embarrassment when you're trying to be Mr/Miss Cool), but you should break the ice a bit more with your roomies. Nothing worse than that weird room-mate who never wants to do anything with you. :smallconfused:

Come out of your shell a bit and things will perk up for you. It might be awkward at first, but show your best side and people will warm to you. Don't think obnoxious puppy, think great bloke they don't know about yet. :smallwink: You'll also have less of a desire to drink alone. Start of a slippery slope that. Drinking should be done in company and for fun, never as a palliative for gloom.

Oh, and by Tuesday you'll be so [email protected] busy this will be a thing of the past. I'd put ducats on it.

Dragonrider
2007-08-22, 06:57 PM
yeah, in my experience, staying at home by yourself wishing you had something to do just digs the hole deeper - makes you depressed. And I'm throwing in my vote with the rest and saying that alcohol is NOT going to make things better.

yeah, where's FdL? We gotta get him REALLY depressed, because that'll solve all your problems.... :smallbiggrin:

FdL
2007-08-22, 08:14 PM
Well, now that you mention it, I've been missing my ex girlfriend a lot lately :( It's something I shouldn't be doing, because of the kind of situations and moods it brings, but I can't help it.

I haven't known from her for...2 months now already? Not a word, just like we agreed. But you know, it's hard sometimes though it's for better. It reached a point in which it wasn't healthy or that anything could come out of it. And I'm just speaking of the post-relationship, even. :(

Oh well...As long as this brings happiness to the rest :p

ocato
2007-08-22, 08:29 PM
Those post break up times can be rough. Especially if it is a long time until your next relationship. Just try to focus on your friends and put them (the girl) out of your mind. It isn't against the rules to spend a few lonely nights at home feeling sorry for yourself. Just don't become a drunk or a recluse.

FdL
2007-08-22, 08:46 PM
I was handling it pretty well, I don't know what brought her back...It's also that I'm having a difficult time whenever I try to go out with someone new. I kinda come off as defeated and can't help remembering her and wondering how she's doing.

I guess I should have to go out more, but in fact, I've been doing it much more since we broke up. For what's usual in me. I didn't go all reclusive, it's just that it's the way I am. And luckily I don't tend to fall in alcohol and other addictive tendencies. I don't drink alcohol, nor take drugs or anything. I'm like that.

Dragonrider
2007-08-22, 10:34 PM
I have alcoholism in my family...my dad's father grew up in a house with four alcoholics - both his parents and his aunt and his grandmother. They all died of it. I guess that Grandpa quit drinking in the 60s because he realized what it did to his parents, but he still has a lot of those behavioral tendencies that are supposed to be typical of children of alcoholics. My dad inherited it to a lesser extent, but neither of my parents drink (my dad never has, because of his family history as well as religious reasons, and my mom hasn't since college) and I doubt I ever will. It um...not to be idealistic or anything, but it kills your brain cells. :smalltongue:

Anyway...my personality is similar to my dad and my grandpa, plus there's all the depression issues on the OTHER side of the family that I get to inherit too, so just better not to touch any of that, huh? (I'm assuming I won't get stupider at 21 when it's legal than now at 16, so it should be a safe thing to say :smallamused:)

Having put now three weeks between my big meltdown and me, I'm feeling like I can finally start to be a little more like my usual self. I spent basically two of those weeks in my bedroom by myself, on the computer, and that wasn't really good for me. My aunt is here for the week right now and that's been good, I've been out playing with my 1 1/2-year-old cousin all day and am feeling a little more normal. Which is funny, because I never thought "normal" me would be more outgoing...but I got tired of being left alone with my feelings. Listening to depressing music. I'm feeling more "over" him now.....

Though it sucks, we aren't talking at all anymore. :smallyuk:

Brickwall
2007-08-22, 11:01 PM
I spent basically two of those weeks in my bedroom by myself, on the computer, and that wasn't really good for me.

What are you talking about :smallconfused: ? That's practically the story of my life, there, and look how I turned out.

Tor the Fallen
2007-08-22, 11:09 PM
Right, Jibby's going to try and help here because you raised points he thinks he can help with.

1. Online and offline makes no difference. Just as you are no different when you're offline, the womens are not different either. Treat a conversation in the real world as you would online, just without so much backspaces. :smallwink:

There's a lot of difference between online and offline. It's easier to say things without having to look someone in the eye, not having them stand there and smell your nervous phermones.

Then there's composition and phrasing. Some people don't know how to talk, but they can speak. Writing letters and articulating thoughts are very, very different. I don't stutter when I'm online.


2. Why are distances a problem? We've got quite a efw examples of good long distance relationships here on the board, and I know quite a efw people who are having great luck with long distance. My sister for example, has been having to do the long distance thing with her boyfriend because they;re in different Universities.
You just gotta try. If any long distance relationship fell apart, it's because both of you weren't putting in the necessary effort. Remember: Love knows no bounds, whether time, space, gender or species.

1. Most of the time, a relationship really isn't worth the effort.
2. There are also serious social taboos about marrying your mother.


3. Seriously, stop drinking vodka. Vodka is for teenagers who think it's clever and unemployed people.

Vodka's cheap and the hangovers aren't bad.

Brickwall
2007-08-22, 11:26 PM
There's a lot of difference between online and offline. It's easier to say things without having to look someone in the eye, not having them stand there and smell your nervous phermones.

Then there's composition and phrasing. Some people don't know how to talk, but they can speak. Writing letters and articulating thoughts are very, very different. I don't stutter when I'm online.

1. Most of the time, a relationship really isn't worth the effort.
2. There are also serious social taboos about marrying your mother.

Vodka's cheap and the hangovers aren't bad.

1. Humans do not have the necessary organs to detect and translate pheremones, even if we did produce them. Most unconcious cues come from body language, something very few can control any better than they could pheremone output supposing they had it.

2. I feel your pain about speaking. I am well-spoken over the internet (humor me on this one), but when I'm speaking, I'm constantly rephrasing, pausing, and tripping over my words. It's not just the backspace that makes the difference in online communication (though it sure helps :smallwink: )

3. Vodka's cheap, but slamming your face into the ground is cheaper. And healthier. Please, next time you're tempted to take a drink, slam your face into the ground instead. We care for everyone's physical and financial health here at GitP. We really do. :smallbiggrin:

Tor the Fallen
2007-08-22, 11:47 PM
1. Humans do not have the necessary organs to detect and translate pheremones, even if we did produce them. Most unconcious cues come from body language, something very few can control any better than they could pheremone output supposing they had it.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pheromone#Human_pheromones
I know it's wikipedia, but it's easy to use.

People are animals. There's no reason we shouldn't have the same chemical communication systems that most animals have, even if our overdeveloped primate brains choose to ignore it. Subconcious cues and all that. There's some really interesting research out there that shows we make many of our decisions without actually thinking, or that we will make up stories of why we behaved a certain way, to make sense of past behaviour that was illogical, based off incomplete cues, or made in ignorance. Don't have a link for that, unfortunately.

But yeah, body language is a big part of it. Doesn't translate to well through all the tubes, though. Regardless, in real life, with most real people, how you say something is far more important than what you're actually saying.


2. I feel your pain about speaking. I am well-spoken over the internet (humor me on this one), but when I'm speaking, I'm constantly rephrasing, pausing, and tripping over my words. It's not just the backspace that makes the difference in online communication (though it sure helps :smallwink: )

I'm a decent speaker, as long as I''m speaking at someone.


3. Vodka's cheap, but slamming your face into the ground is cheaper. And healthier. Please, next time you're tempted to take a drink, slam your face into the ground instead. We care for everyone's physical and financial health here at GitP. We really do. :smallbiggrin:

Numerous studies have shown that moderate drinking is beneficial for one's health. I'm uncertain of any research on slamming your face into the ground, though there's a lot out there on what happens to boxers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pugilist#Medical_concerns).

Dragonrider
2007-08-23, 12:01 AM
Well crap. I bet FdL's feeling better again. :smalltongue:

Yeah, I got on the computer and they're both online on MSN, and they've ("Leonardo" and my cousin) both got the same display picture, them at the beach together last weekend. Seems like every time things start looking up, something happens - even something tiny like that - and I'm back at square one.

Okay, so every time I talk to my cousin, I'm depressed. So I've stopped talking to her - which involves staying off MSN. Which has basically removed all conversation with Leo as well. At this point in his life, he doesn't care what's going on as long as he talks to her, which means if someone's making the effort to keep in touch that someone is going to be me. I don't want to break off contact with him - I emailed him today but when he writes back it's just a few lines. He says he still wants to be friends but it's hard to do when I'm the one trying.

I'm almost tempted to not make the effort. But here's the thing: for the last six months or so, he's been my closest friend - and it was NOT a one-sided deal, it's only since my cousin's shown interest in him that he's dropped off.

And, IRL, I really only have four friends besides him. One lives 4 hours away and I haven't seen her in a year, we don't know each other THAT well. Two live in China - one is my cousin's "ex", and he's pretty embittered and can't give a lot of advice since we're in the same boat. The second in China is a lot younger than me and it's kind of hard to connect sometimes. And I just found out that my oldest friend is moving to New Zealand in December, from Pennsylvania (as far away from here as you can get and still be in the country), and I only talk to her every three weeks anyway.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, he's really the only friend I have that I can talk to. Or, was. I guess I HAVE other friends, but more "acquaintance" friends, not the kind of friend you'd invite over to your house to hang out with. The kind of friend you chat with when you run into each other at the coffee shop.

And...friendships are so hard for me to maintain - like somebody said, so much effort - that I just don't know if I'm willing to put it in anymore. Partly I'm trying not to focus my life around him anymore, but I feel like there's not a lot of room for me in his world anyway. Maybe in part because my cousin will be jealous if I try to stay friends, because in her mind I would "want" him only because she "has" him. Because that's how she would feel.

So I'm stuck.

Maybe I'll sleep on it, see if I can figure things out. Sorry this got so long, guys. It really is tough to not have an outlet (besides my journal, and the thing about those is, you can ask them all you want but you don't get anything back).

Tor the Fallen
2007-08-23, 12:06 AM
Uh, make new friends?

Zeb The Troll
2007-08-23, 12:10 AM
Numerous studies have shown that moderate drinking is beneficial for one's health.That's somewhat misleading. Some studies show that one glass of red wine per day can be beneficial. Others show that one beer a day can be healthy. I don't think most people would qualify either of those as "moderate drinking". I don't know that I've ever heard of anyone espousing the curative powers of distilled spirits at all.

Dragonrider
2007-08-23, 12:11 AM
I'd PAY you if you gave me a usable answer for this....HOW??

I already do all these activities. I just haven't found people...I don't know. It's probably me and my unwillingness to work if it doesn't REALLY matter to me. But...talking to people is too scary...I don't know. I have a headache and I can't think straight right now. :smallannoyed:

ocato
2007-08-23, 12:11 AM
Alcohol, in moderation, can make you feel a lot temporarily better about your life. This isn't a suggestion but rather an addition to the conversation on the matter.

Tor the Fallen
2007-08-23, 12:20 AM
I'd PAY you if you gave me a usable answer for this....HOW??

I already do all these activities. I just haven't found people...I don't know. It's probably me and my unwillingness to work if it doesn't REALLY matter to me. But...talking to people is too scary...I don't know. I have a headache and I can't think straight right now. :smallannoyed:

Gaming stores, maybe? See if they offer any sort of gaming night- M:tG, D&D, etc.

Sure, they may be ugly, smelly, and really, really socially awkward, but I've found nerds to be the most tolerant people ever. And hey, you may run into someone cool, who then introduces you to other cool people. At the very least, you're getting out and hanging out with real people, even if they wouldn't be on the top of you "people I want to hang with" list.

And if there's a regularly scheduled thing, like a D&D session, it's much, much easier to stay friends. This summer, we got a D&D group together that was more about hanging out in the basement drinking beer and being hilarious as it was about gaming. We just needed a mechanism to get us all together for hanging out.

Group pressure work good like that.

Zeb The Troll
2007-08-23, 12:33 AM
DR - This single minded focus on your cousin by Leonardo will pass in time. Even if they stay together and live a long and happy life together. Right now they're in what I like to call "the honeymoon phase" where everything is new and exciting. Eventually they'll either break up or fall into a more normal and broadly social routine that won't be nearly as exclusive. I doubt he's trying to be evasive or distant, judging by what you've told us. He probably just a) doesn't realize that he's doing it and b) wouldn't really know how to balance it better even if he did.

So, my advice? Keep sending him the occasional email letting him know you're still around for when that time comes. Don't hold it against him, or her. You'd likely be doing the same thing if you had the chance. It's perfectly natural.

AngelSword
2007-08-23, 01:17 AM
I've washed my hands of her.
Unfortunately, the filth of her hatred spreads beyond my hands. Every idle thought belongs to her, and how incredibly wrong I was about her. I find myself thinking about how easy it would be to enact revenge, and thinking about how horrible of a person that'd make me.

On the one hand, it'd prove me the better person to let this burn out (if only life would allow the fire to die). On the other, however, if she did this to someone she "loved," imagine what she would do to an enemy; such a horrible excuse of a human being should not be allowed to wreak havoc on society.

Now, I am a reasonable man, and I know seeking revenge would not only be petty, but would also result in a huge fracturing of mutual friends amongst us. Not to mention the massive amount of legal trouble that would ensue.

So why am I ranting like this? Well, for one, it helps to get it out. But more importantly, I do this to ask you kind folk for the best ways to release anger. And you can bypass the following (as I've tried them, to no avail): punching a pillow, screaming, taking a blade to nearby foliage, destroying fragile objects of little to no import.
To think I once loved her.

Tor the Fallen
2007-08-23, 01:19 AM
I've washed my hands of her.
Unfortunately, the filth of her hatred spreads beyond my hands. Every idle thought belongs to her, and how incredibly wrong I was about her. I find myself thinking about how easy it would be to enact revenge, and thinking about how horrible of a person that'd make me.

On the one hand, it'd prove me the better person to let this burn out (if only life would allow the fire to die). On the other, however, if she did this to someone she "loved," imagine what she would do to an enemy; such a horrible excuse of a human being should not be allowed to wreak havoc on society.

Now, I am a reasonable man, and I know seeking revenge would not only be petty, but would also result in a huge fracturing of mutual friends amongst us. Not to mention the massive amount of legal trouble that would ensue.

So why am I ranting like this? Well, for one, it helps to get it out. But more importantly, I do this to ask you kind folk for the best ways to release anger. And you can bypass the following (as I've tried them, to no avail): punching a pillow, screaming, taking a blade to nearby foliage, destroying fragile objects of little to no import.
To think I once loved her.

But you do love drama.

AngelSword
2007-08-23, 01:21 AM
But you do love drama.

I think it's more to the point to say that drama loves me.

Quincunx
2007-08-23, 06:13 AM
Fine! You and drama have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship above and beyond the usual stresses of half-military relationships. One more instance of succinct-but-socially-improper phrasing and I'm renaming this the Speaking About Relationship Advice Thread.

*****

I'd like to propose that 'Leonardo' is following precept c) Never EVER get between two feudin' wimmens, especially related ones. In that case, you will have to wave goodbye 'til he gets uninfatuated with your cousin, and still be glad that he's not the type that looks for trouble.

Vampiric
2007-08-23, 06:17 AM
@AS: Do you do martial arts? If so, have you heard of kata (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kata)? It might help. Rather than pouring out your anger, pretend it's a physical thing. Do something like meditate, and just imagine yourself flowing through moves. Or when you do the kata, imagine your anger/hatred as the invisible opponent.

If any of that needs clarifying, just say. I'll either post or PM...:smallsmile:

Brickwall
2007-08-23, 11:54 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pheromone#Human_pheromones
I know it's wikipedia, but it's easy to use.

People are animals. There's no reason we shouldn't have the same chemical communication systems that most animals have, even if our overdeveloped primate brains choose to ignore it. Subconcious cues and all that. There's some really interesting research out there that shows we make many of our decisions without actually thinking, or that we will make up stories of why we behaved a certain way, to make sense of past behaviour that was illogical, based off incomplete cues, or made in ignorance. Don't have a link for that, unfortunately.

Well, not wanting to be so close-minded as to distrust Wikipedia, I checked the source they used that suggested that humans might have pheremone receptors. It was a study on mice. Surely you notice some biological difference between yourself and a mouse? :smallsigh:

Smells =/= pheremones. Yes, humans can smell certain things relating to other humans, and just like any other sense, can react to them in fairly instinctive ways. However, it's not the same kind of reaction as pheremones.

_________________________

ON TOPIC.

AngelSword, if you did take martial arts, I'd recommend trying to get some sparring in. Contact sparring with pads and junk. A full-on kick to somebody's chest while watching their eyes go wide in reaction is WAY better than punching a pillow while screaming.

Also, a tip to all you woeful people? Just cry already. Even if it makes you feel wimpy. Crying is a built-in human response to stress and emotional overload, and it relieves you of the worst of it if you give it time. Then after you're done crying, sit down and eat something (healthy or not), and drink water. WA-TER. You do not need a depressant like alcohol. Then go to any place a kitty is, get a laser pointer, and go wild. Rinse and repeat. And don't let yourself lose sleep, nor should you sleep too much. This will keep you in a fit state to move on when the opportunity presents itself. Again, NO DRINKING.

Vonriel
2007-08-23, 11:59 AM
Also, a tip to all you woeful people? Just cry already. Even if it makes you feel wimpy. Crying is a built-in human response to stress and emotional overload, and it relieves you of the worst of it if you give it time. Then after you're done crying, sit down and eat something (healthy or not), and drink water. WA-TER. You do not need a depressant like alcohol. Then go to any place a kitty is, get a laser pointer, and go wild. Rinse and repeat. And don't let yourself lose sleep, nor should you sleep too much. This will keep you in a fit state to move on when the opportunity presents itself. Again, NO DRINKING.

I second the motion. Especially the part about the kitty and the laser pointer.

Tormsskull
2007-08-23, 01:27 PM
Wow. I disconnected myself entirely from GITP for a time, a while ago. Then when I came back I focused on Gaming/Homebrewing/Structured Games. So I've been away from Friendly Banter for a long time. I'm not sure what piqued my interest in jumping into this thread, but boy did I seem to miss a lot.

Looks like I need to start paying more attention here or actually turning on my AIM every once in a while :smalltongue:

Dragonrider
2007-08-23, 03:31 PM
I second the motion. Especially the part about the kitty and the laser pointer.

Yeah that's a good idea actually....

(BRAVO BRICKWALL for your constructiveness! :smallsmile:)

Logic
2007-08-23, 03:39 PM
@ Dragonrider: The boy is not lost, or hopeless, he just has what he has wanted for a long time, so he is relishing the moments he has with her. Like Zeb said, he will eventually lose the single-minded focus on your cousin.

@ AngelSword: I too, know the pain of a hateful woman, wondering how and why I once loved her. Eventually, I moved beyond hate of her, and anger at my inability to see her as she was. This person that you once loved is not worth even a moment in your thoughts, so do what you can to forget about her. Even allowing yourself to be angry at her is not worthy of your time.

I chop and split wood to release anger.

I hope I was helpful to someone.

Brickwall
2007-08-23, 03:52 PM
Yeah that's a good idea actually....

(BRAVO BRICKWALL for your constructiveness! :smallsmile:)

Right, because I haven't been telling people to try and make themselves happy at all before. Nope, nary a word along those lines has appeared in my posts in all the pages of this thread.


seriously don't come whining to me expecting sympathy. I'll send something to cheer you up

I've not been constructive because I've been a bit too busy listening to you people whine about how I'm not being constructive, and how I'm an insensitive troll (I am, really), and how an insensitive troll can't be constructive.

You're welcome. http://icanhascheezburger.com/

Lilly
2007-08-23, 04:07 PM
@Tor
Humans don't have the organ used by all animals to detect pheromones. It's the vomeronasal organ (http://neuro.fsu.edu/~mmered/human.htm), and we don't have a functioning one. Smell is important. There was a study that showed that women prefer the smell of men that have different histocompatibility genes (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&dopt=AbstractPlus&list_uids=9646849) than they do. But that's not a pheromone. All those pheromone colognes just work with your body's natural chemistry to make them smell different on each person.

FdL
2007-08-23, 07:04 PM
Seems you don't know how to take an honest positive compliment, 'Wall :) Relax, man.

On a different note, the other day I noticed a girl at the office, who came asking for some information regarding an examination we were preparing there. I liked her, she was friendly and funny, and so was I. It was nice talking to her, plus she had these beatiful eyes into which I couldn't avoid locking mine when we talked. Well, I gave her the information and she left, then someone else came and asked me something else. Then the girl entered again to ask something else, like when you realize you forgot about something. At this point we were kinda giggling. I took notice of her name and gave her the information she needed.

I was left thinking I liked her and that it would be nice to talk some more with her over a cup of coffee or something...
She was going to sit for the exam, which she did today. Unfortunately I couldn't get much interaction with her because I only saw her waiting in a long queue for the exam, and it was a really busy day. But when I passed her I waved at her and smiled, as if saying I remembered her, and she smiled back at me. Then I was busy and wasn't even at the office the rest of the day.

Problem is, I don't know how to approach her. I mean, it can be very awkward for her that someone steps out of his professional role and tries to get friendly with her, it's like crossing a boundary. This is made worse by the fact that she's taking the exam to apply for a residency (that is what we do at work), and she's an applicant and I'm with the people who work in the selection process. Plus there's the chance that I don't see her again.

Now, leaving this aside it would be good to see her again if she came asking for information or to make another ... and maybe try to ask her for her phone or something that makes explicit I'm interested in her beyond being kind in a professional way. Heh, I even have access to all her personal information, but that's no good, because it would be worse, "stalkerish" and unprofessional to email her or call her out of the blue. What would I say? "Yeah, I'm that friendly guy at the office, I took the liberty to look up your information in your application and I'm stalking you" :S

I liked her in particular but this just exemplifies the fact that I meet plenty interesting women at work, because we get inquiries and applications all the time. Only that it's difficult to me to do something about it when I really like someone, both because of professional reasons and because I'm shy.

What do you think about this? What would you do in my place?

Syka
2007-08-23, 07:55 PM
FdL, because of that professional capacity...avoid this one. You never know what sort of icky situation could arise.

DR, just keep emailing him every now and again. He should eventually come out of it. As for MSN, isn't there a way to just block one person? Block her for a little bit, just until you are able to cool down.

AS, *hug* That's all I can say.



Jerkface evidently decided to talk to me again. He texted me today. Then a couple hours later called, and when I didn't pick up texted "What happened?" I called him after class, and was able to talk just long enough to say I'd been in class, and for him to say he'd been on break for my phone to die. oO So I borrowed a friends phone to text him that said phone had died. So evidently I'm talk-able now to him. :smallsigh:

I've been busy enough the last week I'm not worried. Between school and a film club I'm joining and my friends, I'm less than worried about him. If we talk, great. If not, no biggie. :) I take this as a sign I've finally (mostly) moved on. But, I'm not going to be the one to contact him unless I have a solid reason. If I'm not worth him taking a few seconds to IM/text/call me then he's not worth the effort. Plus, we've talked about it before and he agreed to IM me 'cause I was tired of IMing him only to not get an answer for forever 'cause he was on a game...>>'

Cheers,
Syka

Logic
2007-08-23, 08:00 PM
...'cause I was tired of IMing him only to not get an answer for forever 'cause he was on a game...>>'

I'm guilty of that too. Or leaving my computer, and all IM windows up and running while I walk out of the room, get distracted, go to the store, and then come back realizing I was in a conversation with 6 people, all of which are now offline.

It is ironic that instant messaging me is not the best way to ensure "instant" receipt of the information.

FdL
2007-08-23, 08:53 PM
Syka, well, I know what you mean, but it sucks just to have to give up the entire concept of meeting women in my primary place for social interaction. Sure, it can be delicate and there's things to avoid, but I don't want to discard it.

Don't know, people do it all the time. I guess when she's entered the residency or failed it and the professional interest is out of the picture, it can't be that bad.

But even in that case it'd be difficult for me. Well, I've never done it before. I don't think I'd run into problems (again, people do it all the time. Worse things). Dunno, I'll se how this evolves.

Regarding your Jerkface things...Hmmm, I think you're running the risk of reacting too much at his attempts of communication. It's like, it's over, isn't it? But then he calls you, not even that, a text message, and it makes you jump and call him and all. :S Then he ignores you in IM and acts his usual self.

That's no good, Syka. I don't wan't to admonish you or anything, but I don't like how it sounds. I'm telling you for the sake of your feelings, seeing how it's recent, you're still recovering and are more susceptible to this stuff. And I tell you because I've been there. I've been on the other side of a cellphone, "jumping" to what I interpreted as heartfelt attempts for communication and to rebuild the relation, but in reality were just checks for emotional dependency, then when you answer them your hope falls apart because it was never as you thought.

You know how bad this kind of thing went for me, remember? Sure, it's natural to react like that, because there's lingering feelings and that wicked thing called hope, but it's negative, it doesn't lead to any good. People don't change like that in short term, I think. It's a maturity issue. And for what I know human relationships develop and then roles click into place, and then are difficult to change.

Well, I hope you can figure it out and come unscathed. Or better yet, maybe there's the possibility of working it out. But with my experience I can't be optimistic, not seeing that you're going through such a similar situation as mine. :( So take care, Syka.


@Logic: People don't use IMs right, and that can be exhasperating. I try to use the away features, and answer as promptly as possible to chat lines. I know people who just make me mad, because you don't know if they are reading you, if they are even there, and especially in these cases it makes you mad.
Then there's this girl who starts a conversation with me, and every single time she seems to lose it after a few lines. AAAARGH!!!! I hate it! I no longer talk to her because of this, I find it exhasperating and insulting that I'm trying to mantain a conversation with her, but she takes forever to reply or sometimes never does :smallmad: Even if she's having a conversation with other people, even if she's doing whatever important thing, it's just very unpolite to do that. Especially when tecnologically you KNOW she can read you. Some people just don't have manners. :smallmad:

Syka
2007-08-23, 09:57 PM
Oh, you misunderstood me. He texted me, I texted him back etc. Later in the day, he called but I couldn't take it since I was in class, then texting me to ask what was up. So I called him afterwards (I don't like when people don't return my calls, so I make sure to return the ones I receive as soon as I can, with anyone). My phone then died without warning, and I don't like to leave anyone hanging, so I sent him a text from another friends phone. He hasn't been online since then. The IM things were happening a few days ago. He actually hasn't been online all that much recently, but then neither have I.


And yes, that is all stuff I do with normal friends. :P Like, after my phone died I hurried home to charge it because I was expecting a friend to call. And no, I did not text him to let him know it was working again, because I'd let him know when I'd be home.

As I said, I'm not going to search him out. :) And, no, at this point I hold no hope really for a friendship even, and relationship is entirely out. I don't care if he showers me with everything I've ever wanted, it's not worth it. As I said, if he feels like talking, great. But I won't be making him a priority if I'm not one.

Cheers,
Syka

FdL
2007-08-23, 10:02 PM
Oh, great to hear that. I misunderstood the situation, it seems :s

But also because I thought you weren't on talking terms and that you had given up the possibility of being friends. So it surprised me.

As long as your cool about it, keep it like that. You seem to have a very positive, relaxed attitude about it.

Edit: I like regular fox better :p Much more than Grinch fox or other variants I've seen.

Serpentine
2007-08-23, 10:38 PM
On the subject of human pheromones...

http://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=human+pheromones&sourceid=navclient&hl=en
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=9515961&dopt=Citation
http://www.nel.edu/22_5/NEL220501R01_.pdf
http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/cgi-bin/abstract/109671901/ABSTRACT?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0

Conclusion: It's still under debate even in the scientific community, and there's evidence both ways.

FdL
2007-08-23, 10:43 PM
Well, next time I'm offered that stuff, I'm going to buy some and test it. It's worth it!

ocato
2007-08-23, 10:45 PM
On the subject of pheremones, I personally have a hard time buying it. If Pheremones had a real affect (they may play a minor role) then at least someone would have been all up ons me based on smell. That makes a lot more sense in my brain. Brain? You there?


Corn dogs=tastey

FdL
2007-08-23, 10:50 PM
On the subject of pheremones, I personally have a hard time buying it. If Pheremones had a real affect (they may play a minor role) then at least someone would have been all up ons me based on smell. That makes a lot more sense in my brain. Brain? You there?


So you're saying you've tried it? I mean, at least I think this would have the effect of raising the user's confidence. But placebos can be quite expensive these days :p

Besides it's not supposed to be smell. It's something biological. Let's read all those nifty links Serp posted (thanks Serp ^^).



Corn dogs=tastey

I never had one :(

Midnight Son
2007-08-23, 11:01 PM
I never had one :(You are a lucky, lucky man.

PS. I want some Alfajores

FdL
2007-08-23, 11:03 PM
I trade you!!! ^^

ocato
2007-08-23, 11:32 PM
Sorry, let me rephrase. If humans produce and pick up on pheremones, then I do not personally produce the kind that women want. I'm sort of out of it right now so I'm not exactly typing and thinking straight.

And corn dogs are delicious.

I know this because I am learning to cook and they are delicious on my pallette.

Midnight Son
2007-08-23, 11:53 PM
I trade you!!! ^^Actually, strike the Alfajores deal. I want Empanadas.

And to stay on topic; I'm feeling a bit better about the whole moving on thing. I still get the blues whenever a friend asks about her, which seemed to be constant throughout the day today, but I haven't sat at my computer, wishing she'd come online and aching to talk to her in a couple days now. (wishing she'd come online, yeah, but not the aching part).