D&D Funny Stories

[the_brazenburn]

Soooo... Everyone has one. A time where the players rolled too high and killed your DMPC. A time where your DM was angry at you for killing his beloved archmage and brought him back to life as a lich-lord at the end of the campaign. A time when incredibly awful RP'ing turned a perfectly good political intrigue campaign into a "fight-all-the-guards-kill-the-king-and-loot-the-palace" situation. Share your stories here!

[nickl_2000]

The best I've got at the moment was using a suggestion spell on an NPC to get him to fight on our side (think the lieutenant character while going up against the BBEG) as a Bard. Within 2 rounds he lands a ridiculous full damage crit against his boss causing the BBEG to be wiped out. The lieutenant lost his mind at killing his boss and went into a rage against my Bard. So, my bard used levitate from his Falchion Bandilore, hovered just out of the lieutenant's reach and Viciously Mocked him to death for the rest of combat.

[Aett_Thorn]

During our last session, we were trying to gather evidence about the town mayor being in an evil cult, including needing to break into his place and get a letter as proof. We manage to sneak in, bypass a couple traps, disable the guards sneakily, get the letter, and get out. All of this was extremely tense for us, because we knew that a failure on a sneak roll or something would mean a fight that would have been extremely tough. Burn through inspirations all around, use some good teamwork, and burn through a ton of spells and other resources just to try to complete it "right".

End of the session, the DM is congratulating us on getting it done well, and mentions that if we had failed at any point, it would have led to a big fight, with the possible escape of the mayor, and when we had come out, most of the town would have been on fire (they were fire cultists), and we would have been scrambling to try to save the town. We all kind of look at each other and go "That would've been fun! Can we do that?!" The DM kind of looks at us odd and goes, "Wait, you'd have rather failed?" "Well yeah, that sounds like a much more fun outcome!"

As characters, we're apparently all good. As people, apparently we're neutral bordering on evil. The DM just laughed that we'd rather have the town burn down than the evil guy in chains.

[Corran]

Ok, this was back in 4e. I played with a group of friends that were all (apart from me and the DM) new to dnd. Surprisingly, the campaign did not turn out to be a pvp (as it oftens happen when you have a lot of new players at the same time), but instead it turned out to be a comic-relief campaign that produced a lot of laughs for us playing (well, to be fair, it was not comic-relief all the time, but it had many such moments, and generally, a positive humorous spin). There were many funny moments I can recall, but the one that I can present while giving the minimal amount of context, is the following:

The paladin of the group (new to dnd), had found a not-very-agreeable horse, and he had given it some epic name (which I cannot remember for some reason:smallbiggrin: ; you'll see...). Now, after a fight where the paladin had taken a knock to the head, he (and only he) could hear the horse talking to him, and after that point they had frequent short conversations that would interject play every now and then (the DM playing the talking horse, the player playing his paladin). The horse insisted that it had already a name, and that name was Jim (much to the player's disappointment who really liked his horse to have an epic name). And the horse refused to obey even the simplest of the paladin's commands, if it was not asked politely and/or called by its true name, that ofc was Jim. The paladin however was refusing the to back down on the name issue that easily (the paladin character was called Benedictus, there was something about this player and ''serious'' names), and had never called the horse by its true name, up until a very crucial moment in the campaign, which will be described below.

Now, at some point, the group was captured by an small expedition force lead by one of the bad guys of the campaign, and we were imprisoned and held captives where that enemy force had camped. The paladin was imprisoned seperately from the group, since he would be the first to be interogated and tortured by the BBEG's henchmen, and Jim, the horse, was acquired by the BBEG and was ''parked'' (rope tied in a wooden bar, that held other horses too; yes, I am awful at descriptions) outside the BBEG's tent (along with some other horses).

The rest of the group managed to escape with the help of an NPC infiltrator, and while escaping from the camp at this specific point seemed easy, we decided to make an attempt at rescuing the paladin too. We had a very small time window to pull this off, and unlike the general comedic nature of the campaign, it was a very hard task to accomplish that required of us to use a lot of improvised and creative thinking, as well as some good rolls from what little I can remember, and it generally made for a very tense and enjoyable session (one of the best sessions I have played).

Instead of just escaping into the night at that point, the paladin insists to try and ''free'' his horse and convinces us to help him (remember, Jim the horse is parked just outside the BBEG's tent, in a part of the camp that is heavily guarded). A new plan is deviced (that included several split jobs to act as contingencies to the very likely occurance of a failure, in the paladin's plan to get back his horse), such as acquiring some horses ourselves, and setting the small stable on fire (while taking the horses that were conviniently exactly how many we needed) , so that we can escape more easily if we were found out that we had escaped.

Long story short, the paladin manages to get close enough for his horse to hear him, and starts calling it in a whispered voice, by the name that the paladin was using for it. From what the DM describes, it is clear that Jim the horse is hearing the paladin, but is ignoring him. After several tries at calling the horse by the imposed on it name, the paladin breaks, and shouts as loud as he can, and in a desperate voice, at the horse, calling it by its true name: ''JIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!''.

The horse immediately becomes restless, and manages to break free from the piece of wood where its rope was tied (actually breaking the piece of wood from its support, and dragging it along its pass), and runs towards the paladin. Every party member is now mounted up, but the paladin's scream alerted the camp to our presense and the alarm is raised. We try to make our way towards the camp's main entrance, and it was not an easy job. Rolls are made for attacks and skill checks, and despite the brief moment where the paladin called the horse Jim, the general mood goes back to being tense and anxious about our characters' fate. Reaching the main entrance of the camp, some guards are already lowering the obstruction (something much like a toll bar), so we each make an athletics check for our mount and we all suceed, making for a very hollywood-mediaval-like heroic escape.

Did I say all? Well, I forgot the paladin and Jim. If the previous scene was pulled out of a hollywood movie, what happened next was taken straight out from an bollywood-action movie. Jim the horse, approaching the toll bar, goes like: ''F*** this sh*t!''. He drops the paladin to the ground, and successfully crawls under the toll bar, following the rest of us away from the camp, to safety. The paladin gets up from the ground and starts running behind us on foot. Yeah yeah, he managed to escape, as he mounted one of the horses that were freed when Jim broke loose, which had gone crazy too and made it out of the camp on their own).

Well, that's the story, hope you enjoyed it.

[the_brazenburn]

While DMing a city grime adventure, the rogue ventured into an old abandoned warehouse. The group had been told by a mysterious stranger they met in a tavern that kidnapped orphans had been hidden there so that they could be sold on the black market. The rogue ventured in stealthily, while the rest of the party waited outside. He found a secret entrance and opened it, only to find no orphans. He did, however, find a flesh golem. Shocked by the monstrous Frankenstein shambling at him, he bolted for the door, only to find it locked. A rogue. Alone. Level 7. No adamantine weaponry whatsoever. Against a flesh golem. He eventually figured out that it was afraid of fire, and used a torch to sneak attack it several times. Finally, the golem had only three HP left, and the rogue made an attack with the torch. He would hit on any roll and would automatically kill the golem. He rolled... a nat 1. Automatic miss. Golem strikes twice with slam attacks. Hits twice. Rogue is down 26 damage, and one more hit will kill him. He uses cunning action to Hide. Another nat 1. Finally, he strikes with the torch, hits, and kills the golem. When he comes out, he stares at the fighter's adamantine longsword with a look of shock on his face.

[Sariel Vailo]

ruined a large scene of large scale drow assault on the surface with acting. all the way from entering the compound tricking priestess' of loth and slavers and soldiers with performance and deception rolls as a wizard 5(bladesinger) sorcerer wild magic . my wild magic was lucky........
earlier in the campaign my dm set a performance for calming down a small band of mercenaries led by another player. i did a little to well a nat twenty i set an atmosphere i was singing and dancing apparently provacotively i was thrown roses gold and J I Z Z stained underclothes. i am a drow entertainer and wizard. i believe sariel both myself and the character thats her name. deserve double proficency in performance.

[pwykersotz]

Back in the 3.5 days, my buddy and I decided to make an epic level hideout. We were both Wizards sporting 30+ levels, so not much to inhibit us. We discussed for days and days how to properly ward our fortress. Physical objects could be stolen. Spells could be copied. Passphrases could be learned. So we both scoured our sheets to find something we could do. At last, we decide that since we can get arbitrarily high skill checks, a demonstration of skill would be in order. We debated for a while, trying to come up with a skill that would be appropriate.

At last, I said "How about a Performance check? We could do an epic demonstration of musical aptitude or something."
My buddy replied "Well if we're going that way, why not Perform - Salsa Dance?"

After I could breathe about 5 minutes later after the ensuing paralyzing laughter at the imagery of 2 epic wizards salsa dancing into their fortress, I agreed. We warded our epic fortress to be entered only with an arbitrarily high demonstration of skill in salsa dancing.

Suffice it to say, no one else ever got in. :smalltongue:

[NecessaryWeevil]

Okay, this was actually way back when I played Rolemaster, but it's still a fantasy RPG and it's still the funniest memory I have.

My character had the permanent ability to see magical effects. Early in a large puzzle dungeon, my vocal cords had been damaged due to a trial-and-error approach to a magical trap/puzzle. After getting past that, we were faced with a massive cavern littered with bones. Boss fight, right? But nobody could see any danger.

Suddenly I began jumping up and down gesturing wildly at the middle of the chamber, trying and failing to scream at them. "What's wrong? Oh, charades? Okay. Uh...one word? Three syllables? Fly? Big? Floor? Bones on the floor? Not sure what you're trying to tell us."

Only I could see the invisible dracolich gliding towards us.

[Ryukage]

So this was my first time playing DND ever in a campaign run by my friend sean. We were low level characters, all of us, in a high level dungeon Sean had failed to downscale properly. I was playing Rhogar, the blue dragonborn Sorcerer, alongside Samm, the human ranger, Lux, the elven ranger, and Raxis, the bronze dragonborn cleric (bahamut of course). We may or may not have had a fighter with a tower sheild, but he was annoying and asked to leave halfway through the adventure.
Anyways we were wandering the halls of this half-sunken swamp tower in a jungle, and happened upon a small courtyard surrounding a smooth silvery obelisk. To the left was a wall with a door obviously unlocked by completing the puzzle on its surface. Mist shrouded the scene, and visibility was at a minimum.
Samm: Okay so theres this statue thing? I climb it. (Fails acrobatics check)
DM: Okay, so the sides are too slippery with muck and ooze to climb. When you touch it, however, the archway behind you grinds shut.
Rhogar: Crap... I investigate the puzzle wall.
As it went on for a few rounds, I could make no sense of the puzzle (it was a riddle, Sean wouldn't let us roll Insight) and Samm continued to try and climb the obelisk.
DM: This time when you slip down you feel something grab your leg. You look down, and a humanoid figure of congealed ooze is gripping onto you. Roll Initiative.
We descended into chaos as the slime people began to wreck our two rangers, and I felt all too squishy in that moment. So, naturally, I searched for another exit on the opposite wall.
DM: This area is especially enshrouded in mist, and you can see the floor gives way in the corner and descends into an underwater tunnel. You feel and alien presence touch your mind, and slowly a huge, slimy catfish looking creature with three eyes in a line and long tentacles lurches forth from the tunnel.
That's right, its an ABOLETH. I had only played DND for about two hours and I already knew this was not a safe creature to be within range of. So I turned tale, and finally popped the right word to the DM. The door opened and Raxis and I pull the two rangers into the tunnel. Raxis revives both, but the ooze people are still coming. And this was my mistake.
Rhogar (OOC): I have a breath weapon right? I am a dragon after all.
DM: Yeah you do, you want to use it?
Rhogar: Aw hell yeah!
It was then I learned that Blue dragonborn breathe lightning. Which is not good in waist deep water. I achieved a TPK on my own and wiped the whole set of oozes, resulting in me being left alone with three corpses and a very hungry aboleth. :smalltongue:

[Christian]

Running a 1st edition AD&D game at Gen Con ... I think 19, in Milwaukee definitely. Back when that was just AD&D.

This was round 3 of a tournament (Black Rose II), and one of the subplots was related to a magic shortsword that the party had found in round 2, which a dragon cult wanted badly to recover. They'd planted an apparent victim of the cult in the party's path, who would attempt to join the party as an ally, but who was in fact an assassin tasked with slaying the wielder of the dragonslayer sword and recovering it before it could be used against their master.

When the party met the battered and unarmed assassin, he asked them to arm him and let him join the group. I was about twenty hours in the red on sleep at this point in the con, and so I was concerned I'd somehow let the subplot slip when the player of Balkin the gnome suddenly asked, "Hey, didn't I find a magic sword in the last part of the adventure?" "Uh, yes, it should be on your sheet." "Well, do I still have my old normal shortsword?"

[Beat]

"Sure, why not?"

So Balkin arms his killer, and the party goes on through the adventure. They reach the climax without the assassin having had a good opportunity to fulfill his mission, so he's forced to make his move at the last moment. As the boss monster roars, the party springs into action. "I draw my sword and charge the dragon," announces Balkin on his turn. "[The assassin] charges in right behind you!" "I swing at the dragon!" "[The assassin] stabs you in the back! You take 32 points of damage!"

The player boggled at me for a moment, then said, "What!? He stabs me in the back?" "That's right." "With my sword!?"

My proudest moment ever as a DM came as I calmly replied, "Yes. It's ironical. And very sharp." :smallbiggrin:

(Totally stolen from Richard Armour's Twisted Tales From Shakespeare. But I thought I deserved full marks for remembering the quote at the appropriate moment, especially while sleep-deprived.)

[Skelechicken]

Last game I was DMing my generally murderhoboey party decided they wanted to try and sneak into a camp of badguys™. They managed to get disguises and come up with a plausible reason for their being there and not seeming totally in the know.

The party face goes up to the guard outside and sweet talks his way in with a few members of the party. The guard is hesitant at first, but ultimately offers to talk with the camp leader and see if he can let them in. He turns around to go inside when one of the people standing next to the face says, "OK, I want to hit him in the back of the head with the hilt of my dagger to knock him out."

Cue stunned silence at the table. The party face looks visibly upset at this turn of events. "Ok, go ahead and roll an attack roll I guess. With advantage since I think literally no one is expecting this."

Player rolls a 3 and a 6.

Cut back to the scene. This guard has been appeased and is turning around to go inside, when suddenly he feels an ineffectual thunk against the back of his head. He turns around slowly. Stares at the party. Blinks once. Draws his sword.

Party face jumps into full damage control mode. "Sorry about that. My friend here has a bit of an affliction."

"He's gonna have an affliction when I'm done with 'im"

The party spent roughly 3 turns trying to talk their way out of this mess while the guard is taking swings at them (fortunately for everyone the guard was overconfident and refused to back down or call support) until they finally decide to kill him. The face tried desperately to save the scenario by donning the guards outfit and pretending to be him. He made it through about an encounter and a half before someone asked him why he wasn't... out front guarding things, and who all these people were.

[CaptainSarathai]

I have some

Arthurian campaign. Party is approaching a burial mound which is being plundered by Orcs. In this campaign, Orcs live in the mountains, speak with a Scottish accent, and use Giant Goats the same way that we would use horses. The goats can navigate the steep cliffs and rocky terrain, etc.
The party jumps down and starts slaughtering Orcs. The Rogue even one-shots one of the goats with a leaping sneak attack. The Fighter (Knight) is laughing at the goats when one comes charging up from grazing below, prones him, and nearly kills him with a ram attack.
Our Goliath Barbarian jumps down, and lands the finishing blow on a Orc just as a G.Goat is charging up the path for a Ram attack. The attack hits, does little damage, and she passes her test to remain standing,
"I wanna headbutt the goat"
"You - wait, why?"
"I wanna tame it"
So at this point, our 8ft tall Barbarian is grappling a Giant Goat, by the horns, and headbutting it into submission. Sure enough, she tamed the goat, and now the party has a giant goat pet.


Venturing through a dungeon, and we hit a pit trap on the floor. Well, the Rogue triggers it and passes his save to leap aside before falling in. So now there's a decently sized pit in the middle of the floor, and we need to cross. Cue a comedy of errors.
Rogue - jumps and fails, lands in pit.
Ranger - jumps and fails, lands in pit
Paladin - jumps, fails, land ON Rogue, for damage
Artificer - attempts to use Acrobatics to balance on the narrow ledge and walk across. Fails. Falls in pit.
At this point, the Wizard and Warlock just look at each other,
"No."
As skilled players, we lower a rope in the pit and climb down. Then, we throw a grappling hook up from the pit, and climb up the other side and out.
We should have left them there.


My buddy was home from the military for a few days and he wanted to run a mini-campaign of sorts, so we were all plenty happy to oblige.
He has us as survivors of a battle, and therefore, low-ranking officers in the military. There is a plan for a military coup however, and we need to thwart it. The BBEG has assassinated the army's general, so that he will can usurp his power and use the army in the coup.
We realize something must be wrong, and hustle to the barracks, which is in lockdown mode. The soldiers are letting nobody in, or out. We pull rank at the gate and manage to Diplomacy our way in.
From there, the three of us head straight to the general's office, where we find two men guarding the door. We shoved our Elf to the back, because he had a limited teleport, and hoped the guards wouldn't notice.
As we approach the door, the Elf blindly teleports into the room. The two of us left in the hallway miraculously bluff the guards that we're here to relieve them, and then we take up guard positions on the door.
Meanwhile, the Elf inside sees the BBEG leaning over the murdered general. The BBEG behind to notice him, the Elf panics, and casts Darkness right into the room, right by the door.
The DM messes up, give the Elf a shot at a coup d'etat attack, and he single handedly KOs the BBEG, and ties him up.
Remember, we're outside guarding the door.

The Elf pops his head out the door and wants me, the interrogator, to go inside. Dh doesn't tell me about the darkness or the BBEG being in there.
So we switch, and my character immediately enters the room, is blinded by Darkness, and then confronts the BBEG tied up in the corner where the Darkness doesn't reach.
Obviously, you can't interrogate an unconscious man. So I go back to the door,
"Cleric, get in here and heal this man just enough to rouse him. I'll guard the door."

Now we switch and the third member of our party goes through the door. Same thing - blinded by Darkness, shocked by BBEG tied up, etc, etc. He heals him back awake though, and comes to switch again.

By this point, the DM has fumbled so many rolls for the people in the hall to notice the oddly changing faces of the guards at this door, that he's started in on the "Who's On First" gag from Abbot and Costello. Eventually we all end up in the room, and the campaign progresses a bit, but roleplaying blindness and the shock at seeing the BBEG, plus, as players, the legitimate shock that we'd just KOd the BBEG and had him in our custody, was so ludicrously bizarre that we've been laughing about this one ever since.

[Mythcaller]

Just two days ago my players were bored, and I offered to kill them off with no permanent consequences. I planned to do this with my Homebrew "Listener" creature, based off of the creatures from A Quiet Place. They have insane AC, cannot be targeted by Magic Missile, and super high Saving Throw Rolls, as well as the Evasion feature. They do insane damage (like a possible 20d10+8d8 damage per round. Pretty much impossible to beat without a Homebrew Magic Item which emits a super high pitched sound and reverses their armor, bringing their AC from 100 to 5.

The battle was going pretty well for them, they were doing good on saving throws, one of them nearly died instantly (i play by special rules, they make Death Saving Throws, but being hit doesn't make an instant fail, instead if they get into negative damage equal to their Max HP they die instantly) but was revived and fine.

I always encourage my players to get creative, which stems from my enjoyment of creatively using items to my advantage, so one of them, in the second round of combat, cast Gaseous Form on himself, flew into the Listener's Nostrils, to its brain and then stopped his concentration. He was crushed to death because he didn't fit in the brain cavity as a solid being, but it also absolutely destroyed the Listener's brain.

This was the first time I had really decided to play the Listener with true intent to kill (my players have been pissing me off for a while now, killing each other off (I had to impose a $120 price even to try to kill off another PC after one player rolled up his 4TH character in six weeks after being killed repeatedly by the group), spending 12 consecutive hour long sessions trying to bang a succubus, who also happens to be the final boss, and other such things), and they had killed it in 2 rounds. Despite their success I was proud of them, it was something I would've done, and I'm glad I am raising them to be resourceful.

[Misterwhisper]

A story from Shadowrun 3e.

Group of a Shaman Face, a street Sam gunner, an sniper focused physical Adept and hermetic utility mage/decker.

Planning on breaking into a very fortified weapons research facility to "borrow" some schematics on a new prototype.

Mage: Ok, here is the plan, I will cloak and sneak us in, and try to hack the security rigger on the way. Scope (Sniper) sets up outside with his rifle to cover our exit if things go wrong, and to provide a distraction down the street if needed. Hawk (Shaman), you lead us in and handle most of the talking in case we run into meat security. Brick, (Street sam troll) just try not to break anything.

Shaman: I am tired of having to always go in and take chances of being shot, I want to be the sniper this time.

Sniper: I have 20 years of focused experience in long range ballistics and marksmanship, I have focused all my mystical energies into myself to enhance my senses and battle sight to beyond what any tech can do, and my rifle and scope are illegal in multiple countries and are special military spec issue with over half a mil in customizations, why should we let you be the sniper?

Shaman: Because I have 9 dice in persuasion, and multiple manipulation spells... (rolls dice).

God had to use multiple hands to go through smoke of burnt Karma to save the group from the giant pooch screw.

[manyslayer]

Was running a campaign in 3.5 and the party was in a city looking for clues. The bard goes to a high end tavern and woos some pretty ladies, such that the husband of one shows up and demands satisfaction as he draws his sword. The player, who's bard is dancing with the lady, asks if he needs to stop dancing to fight the man. I say no, but there will be penalties to the checks. He proceeds to have a duel with the man all while still dancing with his wife. He rolled more 20s in that little exchange than I think the rest of the campaign so it turned into an epic tale that would be a beautiful scene from a swashbuckling film.

Two days later the party is tracking done someone but there are also bad guys looking for the same person. The party splits up and the bard ends up going into the apartment of the guy. He steps through the door and finds himself between 2 thugs with clubs, 1 in front of him and one behind. The bard just looks at the one in front of him, "I am Omar Omar. You will leave this place now." The characters had made a bit of a name for themselves so I roll to see if either thug has a clue. Thug in front of him rolls a 1 and has no clue. The other thug rolls a 20. From behind him the bard hears a voice that is a mix of terror and awe, "The Dancing Duelist!" and the sound of a club hitting the floor.

[Karnitis]

I've told this story before, but its one of my faves from my favorite character.

So I played a Paladin of Nature Alcohol Dionysus, in a group of 4. We were all still pretty low level, I think 4-5. Simple quest, there were some undead in a small fishing village we needed to clear out.

We show up, and the village is all nearby due to a meeting in the town square we had stumbled in on. Now, I was still getting my sea-legs (so to speak) about what a paladin did and I figured I was a drunken Jesus. Which wasn't entirely my fault - my DM gave my character Boots of Water Walking, what was I supposed to think?

Anyway, no one in my group was saying anything so Lief turns to the local well and Channels Divinity. With a nat 20, my DM lets me turn it to vodka. The town's water supply. Glossing over how bad of an idea that already was, we find out the undead are actually in the tunnels down the well. Ok, lets go spelunking!

Know how I said it was a fishing village? The undead were pirates. Skeleton pirates. In a sewer overflowing with vodka. We got about three turns into our first fight when a skeleton threw a bomb (the cartoonish round, black kind) at us. It was by the grace of Tiamat the DM said it wasn't a TPK.

Now, that led to some shenanigans where I pretended to die and came back three days later, but that's a different story...

[Yakmala]

The time the only enemy kill in the entire adventure was when we were trying to keep someone alive...

The adventurers were at a local town festival when a larger than normal number of robberies were reported. After some investigation, we managed to track a suspect back to a camp on the outskirts of town. It turned out to be a large bandit camp, much larger than the party could deal with.

We were spotted and captured and brought before the bandit boss. Turns out the bandits had run into some trouble of their own and had a number of wounded. We lacked any healers in the party that day, but our Warlock volunteered to use her proficiency in Medicine to help one of the most grievously wounded.

Removing his makeshift bandages, she promptly rolled a 1. Blood spurted everywhere! She tried to stop the bleeding but to no avail. The bandit expired and the entire party had to make a run for it before the angry bandits could kill us for helping their friend to an early grave.

We escaped with no further casualties on either side, making the one bandit death due to a bad Medicine check the only "kill" on either side that adventure.