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View Full Version : Gamer Humor Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VI: Good. Bad. I'm the one with the pun.



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DigoDragon
2017-06-01, 01:57 PM
Prior Threads~
Here (I) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?280469-Campaign-Quotes-NO-CONTEXT-EDITION!), Here (II) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?350188-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-II-We-all-want-to-be-the-Majestic-12), Here (III) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?409318-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-III-Now-with-50-more-DigoDragon), Here (IV) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?464897-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-IV-Just-what-Doc-Ordered), and Here (V) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?491848-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-V-How-dead-is-that-corpse).



GM: “In essence, I wanted my secret manipulative Moon-Nazis DLC, and I never got it.”

Moonshadow: *nodded and pulled a bottle of whiskey out of her bags. She then tossed it over the wall*
Doc: “Not the hooch!”

GM: “Viridia grabbed a bunch of lightning balls like a professional lightning ball grabber. Mom would probably be proud, if Mom didn't know she was with a bunch of silly ponies about to break into about the most stupidly hyped-up dangerous place that could possibly exist in a populated area, besides, like, a nuke or something.”
Viridia: *returned to Stellar with her homing lightningmass and static in her hair* “I'm not gonna say that I'm the coolest ever, but I'm definitely top five.”

Bertly: “If needed, I would be honored to destroy turrets using bastardized schematics certainly copied from Robronco.”

Stellar: “Come on, let's take a tour around the perimeter and see what we can spot. I bet the others will be getting themselves into trouble and need rescuing shortly.”
Viridia: “Sounds stellar!”
GM: “The two pegasi would then probably notice a arc of lightning attacking the front of the building, which was followed up by a familiar-sounding robotic voice yelling 'Chaaarrgge!', although that could have been the wind.”
Stellar: “Wasn't the whole point of us spotting up that that group would go in stealthily?”
Viridia: “I think they misheard 'stealth' as 'go in gunz blazing'. I guess we just wait until we hear somebody scream?”

Inevitability
2017-06-01, 02:19 PM
I like the thread title.

Forum Explorer
2017-06-01, 05:57 PM
Tracking post, and a promise to try and keep things interesting with Moonshadow. :smallwink:

Belac93
2017-06-01, 09:50 PM
From one player's Chronciles of Darkness (changeling) character creation:

Player: "Wait. So, you're saying that contract lets me speed objects up in time, freeze them, or rewind them?"
Storyteller: "Yeah. Why?"
Player: "Well, that means the object gets put back to the time it was created, frozen in time for 1 hour, or takes 1 bashing damage every 3 seconds for an hour, with no roll to resist?"
Storyteller: "Yeah..."
Player: "So, if I'm a Fairest, I get to use that contract on people..."
Storyteller: "... f***."

RazorChain
2017-06-01, 10:20 PM
Sir Jonathan Pains: "I said subdue, not kick one in the face so he falls unconscius or kick the other in the knee so it bends backwards. Now he just screams in pain and we cant question him.

Jun "John" Wei: "I'm very sorry sir, I didnt realize that englishmen were so fragile"

Sir Jonathan Pains: "Those...those arent English, they are Welsh."

-------------------------

Sir Jonathan Pains: " John, you did it again. We were going to question him and you go on kicking him so he flies 2 meters, crashes through a door and gets knocked out."

Jun "John" Wei: I'm very sorry sir, he was probably Welsh."

Katrina
2017-06-01, 10:43 PM
From one player's Chronciles of Darkness (changeling) character creation:

Player: "Wait. So, you're saying that contract lets me speed objects up in time, freeze them, or rewind them?"
Storyteller: "Yeah. Why?"
Player: "Well, that means the object gets put back to the time it was created, frozen in time for 1 hour, or takes 1 bashing damage every 3 seconds for an hour, with no roll to resist?"
Storyteller: "Yeah..."
Player: "So, if I'm a Fairest, I get to use that contract on people..."
Storyteller: "... f***."

Wait til he reads "Leaping Toward Nightfall." XD

[CoD: Changeling] Different group, same game.
Storyteller: "The penalty to track you is what?"
Me: "Let me finish rolling this Contract to find out. *Rolls* Exceptional Success. I can't be tracked and they actually get the Lost Condition for trying."
Storyteller: "So...the pack of Werewolves...gets lost in their own territory...in the middle of the city."
Me: "Yep."
Storyteller: "And when they ask the spirits, all they'll get is You were chasing the Fox Who Cannot Be Caught...Cause you aren't a Spirit so they only know your legend."
Me: "Did I just creep out a pack of werewolves?"
Storyteller: "I'll tell you when I'm done deciding how far in a random direction they go while lost."

DigoDragon
2017-06-02, 07:16 AM
Tracking post, and a promise to try and keep things interesting with Moonshadow. :smallwink:

Hee. You know Doc misses her. :3


GM: “There's good magic, bad magic, friendship magic, and probably sexy magic too; that's just science.”

GM: “The third folder was... actually a disguise for a collection of pinups; Minotaur beefcake shots, to be exact. Well, there was one pony in there, but, uh, best not to think too hard about that guy too much.”

Doc: “If locked, Doc will use his lockpicks to open one of the locker units. And by lockpicks he means a .44 round from his Buffalo Revolver.”

Doc: “Poor Moonshadow. I think I should add booze to her Hearthwarming gift idea.”
Choro: “Hehehe... you're thinking she'd rather her name was Moonshine right about now?”

Doc: “The guild gave Stellar this job for us. I think whoever is here knows they know. Hopefully we're not the bait.”
Choro: “We're PCs. We're totally the bait.”

OctoberRaven
2017-06-03, 11:28 AM
Bruahm OOC: Does tolkienverse have AA?
DM: No, Vice is a thing of Morgoth.
Bruahm OOC: We're going to have to start one.
Fror OOC: This is wholesome drinking, with friends!
Talia OOC: Until we pass out!

SirBellias
2017-06-03, 12:01 PM
From a bit ago, but still fresh in the mind:
"It's like a cookie but you left it in the oven too long and the chocolate chips are the space between space and it's a tree and on fire."

OctoberRaven
2017-06-04, 09:11 AM
Erica OOC: "I want to take a dramatic"
ST OOC: "...I want to state for the record that Erica asked for this. I'm merely giving the most likely result." *tells Erica what happens*
Erica OOC: :smallbiggrin:
Everyone else: :smalleek:

ST OOC: "Erica, like the Prussian artillery at Waterloo, fires at her own ally. Michael, take 11 Bashing."

Muckraker (NPC): "I would not be surprised if the Ordo Dracul would try if they could. But, nobody knows what would happen. I doubt it would be anything good. At best, it might be like diablerie."
Erica OOC: See, it works, gonna munch on some owls. The smart guy just confirmed that the best case is phat XP, a dot in a disciple I don't have and no negative repercussions since it's, well, a Strix
ST OOC: 'No negative repercussions'. This isn't the World Of Things Turn Out Well For You.

bulbaquil
2017-06-04, 09:13 AM
GM: "Do you have anything that can be origamically folded?"

P1: "This is how we die: stopped by a wooden door!"

P1: "Sing 'Red Diamond'!"
NPC Bard: "Red Diamond, Red Diamond, a--"
P1: "Stop singing 'Red Diamond'!"
NPC Bard: "Please make up your mind, Red Diamond, Red Diamond..."

P1: "I'm lawful neutral, not lawful good!"
P4: "I'm lawful NOTHING!"

Dr_Dinosaur
2017-06-04, 09:39 PM
From character creation:
"So I'm a merfolk, but my tail is a natural weapon and my speed is 20'. Also I can walk on walls sometimes."
"Are you...are you some kind of inverted scorpion-maid that walks on her Spider-Man hands, hitting people with her tail?"
"Yep! Nice to meet you!"

Inevitability
2017-06-05, 02:56 AM
DM: It's like a sausage stuffed with strawberry pudding was put in an acid-filled blender.

Inevitability
2017-06-05, 03:14 AM
Player: Basically, my character's church is communism with prayer.

DigoDragon
2017-06-05, 09:19 AM
GM: "You hear a knock at the door."
Trixie: "I walk over and open it with my ponykinesis."
GM: "You see Trixie standing there."
Trixie: "I swear to Luna, if this is time traveling shenanigans..."

GM: "Your duplicate melts down into a jellybean blob with a face."
Trixie: "Damn it, Moffit, Trixie is not in one of your stupid Doctor Who fanfics!"

Agent Paul: "When did we employ talking horses?"
Trixie: "Trixie is not a horse! She is a unicorn."
Agent Paul: "Alright, I stand corrected. When did we employ delusional talking horses?"

Nick Fury: "Your target is this man, Smackly. He looks unassuming but has some kind of super strong right hand."
Agent Meadow: "Why is it freakishly large and flat?"
Nick Fury: "Had an accident involving a disgruntled coworker and a waffle press. It's how he got his powers."
Agent Meadow: "How does that even work?"
Nick Fury: "**** if I know. I'd be making DC movies if I did."

Trixie: (Crit failing an acting skill check) "Whinny! Whinny! Horse! Horse! Neigh!"

Agent Paul: "Alright, so the vehicle that Smackly took is registered to the US Army. It's listed as stolen for the past two days."
Agent Meadow: "You have access to the army's database?"
Agent Paul: "Uh... did you mean legally, or just in general?"

Prison Warden: "I'm glad to have your help with the investigation, but uh, why a horse?"
Trixie: (angry unicorn noises)
Agent Paul: "She's CSI--Crime Scene Equine... Investigation... Horse. She's good at picking up tracks."
Naboo: "And eating all the peanut butter cracker snacks I brought."
Prison Warden: "Seems legit."

Agent Paul: "Alright so here we are--the French Quarter. Try to blend in."
Team: (stares at Trixie)
Trixie: "What?"
Agent Paul: "Actually... no, you're fine as is. Let's go do some damage."

Trixie: "Smackly, you're under arrest by the Great and Powerful Trrrrixie!"
Bystander: "Dude, is that a talking horse?"
Trixie: "That's it, I'm dropping a fireball!"

Agent Meadow: "Trixie's down. Uh, do we get a doctor or a vet to heal her?"

Necroticplague
2017-06-05, 11:15 AM
"The best part about trying to get ransoms from loan sharks is that when you pull out the knives and pliers, it's merely ironic, and not horrific!"

"Wait, crap, I did that in the wrong order. Fingers, then tongues. I don't presume putting this back in would do anything?"

gmoyes
2017-06-05, 12:37 PM
DM: So there is one slice of pizza left and five of us. Who wants to cut it?
Engineer: Or I could just call dibs.
DM: Dibs on cutting it? Sure thing!
Engineer: No- wait, I mean-
DM: You called dibs so you get to do it.
*everyone else agrees*
Engineer: *Sigh* I walked right into that.
Hacker: Dude, you ran full tilt into it.
Engineer: *sigh* Fine.
Hacker: Wait, let me get my phone.
Engineer: Goddammit.

Engineer: Can I just spit on it and be done with it?

Engineer: Let's see... Garbage, junk, garbage, junk- ooh! Trash!

Engineer: *after opening the airlock to the bioship* *tilt's head* These things actually make some sort of sense? Ow?

DM: As you step onto the bioship, make a dodge roll.
*engineer and guard fail*
DM: *sigh* You both faceplant into the floor due to the different angles of gravity between the two ships.

DM: After failing for a while trying to get directions from the ship's intelligence, you finally notice the hacker's shadow pointing the way down the hallway.
Engineer: It's bad when the unconscious hacker's shadow is the most competent member of the party.

Engineer: *after falling off a ladder into a rather deep pool of ship blood* I'm not sure how much of this blood is mine!
Hacker: Well I've been knocked out for a while now, it looks like it's your turn to get all the critical fails.

Engineer: Hey, if I lose 5 more HP, the only thing keeping me conscious would be my power armour.
DM: *laugh* Right. It's a good thing you know how to fix that.
Engineer: I keep my armour functioning, my armour keeps me functioning.

Engineer: *squelching down the hallway with his armour filled with ship blood* Despite all off this, I'm still not going vegetarian.

*after struggling to figure out how to open a locked door*
Hacker: *realizes what is needed, but can't say anything because KOed*
*after making a couple of check that would allow the DM to drop a couple of hints*
DM: You remember something you picked up recently having the TTI symbol.
Investigator: *looks at the hacker's inventory* I got it!
*everyone else looks at the investigator expectantly*
Investigator: The Captain's Gun!
Hacker: *facepalm*
DM: *breaks down laughing*
Engineer: That was the captain of the other ship's gun. Let me see that. *looks and sighs* Written right above the captain's gun is TTI Drive!

DM: 'The Captain's Gun' is now third on my list of inherently funny things for me, right after toasters and Spot.
Engineer: Well, this makes up for me and the pizza.

JAL_1138
2017-06-05, 05:45 PM
PC: We need a better communications system for steering this airship. Or hell, a steering wheel we can use from the deck.

Gnomish engineer: Doyouwantustoaddthattotheship? That'sareallygoodidea. IknowexactlyhowtobuilditbutIneedacopperstillandaha msterwheel—nowaitIneedaboilerandabellowsandthere's someinterestingthingsyoucoulddowithclockworkandImi ghtbeabletoautomateitentirely—

PC: NO!! Don't do that!!! We'll just do it the simple way. Relay system. Much less likely to explode.

Gnomish engineer: Howcanyouevermakeanytechnologicaladvancementifnoth ingexplodes?

PC: Oh gods, we're all going to die.

Gnomish engineer: Maybe!Butit'sokaybecauseit'sforSCIENCE! :D

PC: I am so very, very thankful I know how to cast Feather Fall.

DigoDragon
2017-06-06, 07:42 AM
GM: “First off, there were the signs along the wall, which all had the same made-for-kindergartner aesthetic; or, rather, cows. Where there normally would be pictures of ponies, there were cows; one was a just a diagram with a stylized cow. Another diagram seemed to be a crude map, depicting happy cows, apparently leading into the back entrance, which appeared as a large pool with cows improbably jumping in.”

GM: “If you're named Crème Brule but you have a garbage can on your rear end, ponies will talk.”

Choro: “Any advice on what to do if there is some sort of powerful spirit haunting this place?”
Strata: “Well, besides running out and trying to burn the place—”
Doc: “Do note that we have a flamethrower.”

Moon: “Well I'll have to shed my equipment, and I'll maneuver like a drunken goose, but I can get you up there.”

Stellar: “Hey Viridia, are you seeing any waste disposal? They might just be dumping stuff in the lake.”
Viridia: “Well, I guess the end of the world is the best time to start polluting. In for a bit, in for a crown.”

Doc: (*expertly grabs a note using stealth*) “Notice me Moon-senpai! …Oh wait, I'm sneaking really well. She can't.”
Strata: “Psst. Do you want to tell him that one of us could've just picked up the note with magic?”
Choro: “Aww... no, we can't do that. He's having so much fun!”

JAL_1138
2017-06-06, 08:33 AM
Me: So this is why I got banned from playing Tinker Gnomes. I need to call my old DM and apologize.

Fighter: *Ahem*

Me: After I rez the Fighter.

arclance
2017-06-07, 12:50 PM
Stonewall: I love my hug coat *mimes wearing a straight-jacket*

Midas: Before we begin I am going to inform you that I am a Wizard with a love of research and I wish to find out if a Clone can be used as a substitute for a voodoo doll.
Clone of Agent Ward: *Expression of Wide Eyed Horror*

Midas: That's another reason I sleep in a private demi-plane.

Inevitability
2017-06-07, 01:16 PM
"Good game, I almost beat you there."
"You were at zero life, I was at fifty-one."
"Still not half bad on my part."
"It is when both players start with twenty."

JAL_1138
2017-06-07, 01:23 PM
DM: The urd is ranting and raving now, spewing insults and obscenities that suggest horriffically vile acts of a carnal nature by your father, and implying that your mother is--well, your Draconic is a bit rusty and he's using a peculiar dialect, so he's either called her a rot-grub-infested compost heap or an otyugh, you're not sure which. In either event the brain-bleach-worthy level of detail he describes in his frothing fury is best left untranslated. The kobold scout on the ground looks embarrassed and says "Sorry for him, he kind of a#%hole. He take everything personal" in broken Common before stabbing you again.

*******

PC: Your dice are evil! Switch dice, man!
DM: It won't matter, but if it makes you feel better, I'll switch out and re-roll. *grabs another d20*
PC: Thank you.
DM: *crit*
PC: ...asdfghjklasdfghjkksonofab---

DigoDragon
2017-06-07, 03:08 PM
Doc: “I love how if you were a goat and somehow managed to survive the turret onslaught to reach the facility, your reward is a dubious meat cake of unknown content. We're dealing with someone who really takes pleasure in their work.”

GM: “Viridia, there's you're opening; why does Fan Knife's breath smell like fish after fifteen minutes being alone with Moonshadow?”

Text on a baby pegasus onsie: “Chicken Nugget in Training.”
Doc: “Shame, Doc could come up with an idea for those clothes. Though the text on them is pretty creepy. It's like this company hired Jeffrey Dahmer to do their marketing.”

GM: “Moonshadow can smell what's outside her environmentally sealed radiation suit due to a simple factor; magic. The suit doesn't hamper any of the senses entirely; outside smells are heavy dampened, but are detectable, mostly due to a combination of ease of use and the shear insidious power of the Equestrian scented candles lobby.”

Stellar: “We haven't really accomplished much with our perimeter sweep.”
Doc: “Instead of sweeping, come inside and... mop up.”

kopout
2017-06-07, 03:42 PM
Large Marge, annis hag brawler
Kellwin, spiky death midget halfling slayer
Faeurn, elf oracle of lore


"Halflings aren't actually humanoids, they're a kind of specialized parrot."

"Did we ever get around to rebooting the kobold king?"

Marge ooc: "We should find a gnome to sell [the airplane] to and kick start the industrial revolution!"
DM: "You're rich enough, you don't need a kickstarter."

"Please DM responsibly"

bulbaquil
2017-06-07, 05:15 PM
[spoiler]
"Did we ever get around to rebooting the kobold king?"


I wouldn't bother; he'll just tell you he's downloaded new updates and needs ANOTHER reboot.

JAL_1138
2017-06-07, 07:08 PM
I wouldn't bother; he'll just tell you he's downloaded new updates and needs ANOTHER reboot.

Reboot him enough times and he'll become a DC comics character. (Heyooooo *ba dum tssh*)

Gallade
2017-06-08, 04:55 AM
Paladin:"My deity preaches sincerity, so I will sincerely tell you your healing spell kinda sucks."
NPC Cleric:"Sorry, I did my best."
Paladin:"Perhaps you should go back to Cleric school."
NPC Cleric:"Uh...There is no such thing as a Cleric school."
Paladin (aside):"No wonder they suck."


(A ruffian and the Bard are arguing while the Cavalier is on the other side of a spider web)
Ruffian:"I demand you get us out of here this instant!"
Bard:"Have some patience sir, my companion is doing his best!"
Ruffian (threatening the Bard with a knife):"Swear to the gods IF THAT WEB ISN'T TORN DOWN IN FIVE SECONDS-."
(The Cavalier charges in on his camel through the web. His lance is now haft-deep into the Ruffian's chest)
Cavalier"Done."

DigoDragon
2017-06-08, 07:21 AM
Stellar: “Need something for Stellar and Viridia to do, or to justify the change in plan.”
Choro: “Well, corpses. Corpses are still an option. You could check the corpses.”

GM: “Seriously, there hasn't even been any Speech attempts or anything.”
Doc: “Do we really want to leave it to Doc? He'll do it, but that's probably as dangerous as the combat option.”
Doc: *rolls Speech against the robot - fails the check badly*
Stellar: “I could use a specific steer from the GM at this point.”
GM: “Follow the happy animated paper airplane back through the front entrance to the group gathered at the front entrance, do damage control so they all don't die.”
Doc: “Hey, I totally called that [Speech] check.”

Viridia: “I still exist.”
GM: “For something crazy. Talk to that voice in Viridia's head. Have an affair. Post ponies.”

GM: “But what are earth ponies but midget horses with ass tattoos?”
Moon: “Not jerks?”
Viridia: “Nerdy virgins who're always wrong and also small bad? Or is that just Doc?”
Choro: “I thought that was unicorns.”
Doc: “Doc actually isn't a virgin. It was established he dated a caravan mare before.”
Viridia: “Caravans don't have genders, and they're inanimate objects. You can't date one!”
Doc: “Why? The mare in question was dating a Wagon at the time.”

Guizonde
2017-06-08, 07:39 AM
from the pf campaign:

josé the half-"elf" inquisitor, me,
grim, the half-ork paladin,
eva, the human cleric
korinn, the human oracle
the unnamed drunk human monk

eva: if we're good, why did we steal the horses?
josé: don't worry about it. it's calling requisitionning. besides, i take full responsibility. now that we've saved that orphanage, we'll just give back the horses and pay back the merchant.
grim: well, he did "borrow" those horses for the greater good.
korinn: and we've got cash to pay back...
dm: this is the problem with alignments and inexperienced players...
me: wait until i have to torture somebody. good thing i can bluff and intimidate my way out of everything!
party: *stares in horror*
dm: remember, he's the one who insisted on saving the orphanage.
me: hey, the orphanage didn't attack me, what was i gonna do? leave them there? besides, i may be the necessary evil of the team, it doesn't mean i have to be evil.

horse vendor: you stole my horses! you'll pay me back in slave labor!
josé: sure, here, this oughta be enough. *hands over azlantean coins*
horse vendor: *estimation and bluff* yeeeeaaaaah, i guess, but you're still gonna hand over the [korinn] little girl. i can get a good price for her on the black market.
me to team: no more mister nice guy. *rolls intimidation too well at 31+* oh, this i gotta rp, also, here's what i look like when i'm evil.
josé: alright, you sorry excuse for a halfling stomach. you're talking about my friends *pulls off shades, reveals mismatched gold and purple eyes), normally i'm easy going. in your case, you're obnoxious, so if you so much as lay a greasy finger in the general vicinity of korinn over here, i'll personnally kick your sorry butt up and down riddle-port from the castle to the docks. through buildings if necessary. and i'll make it necessary. you've got the mafia? how fun! i was a part of it you weren't even an idea in your father's dangly bits! despite the fact your mother should have swallowed you, i'm feeling generous since my team is looking at me and i don't work in front of an audience. i got your horses back, you've been generously paid, so either i can say you are no longer useful to me and i'll be first in line to hoist your corpse as the new flag for my ship, or we can make a mutually advantageous deal. i propose since you scratched my back, i can scratch yours at a later date. like letting you waste oxygen that could be used in moving the feather in my beret!
horse vendor, pale from a natural 1: .... ok! ok!
josé: good. now, we're leaving, and you've got underwear to change. oh, and give your sandwich to my half-ork colleague. he's hungry and you're my best friend now.
dm: ... duuuuuude. his sandwich?!
eva: he's got a ship?
monk: he's got a feather in his beret?
paladin: he's part of the mafia?!
korinn: anyone noticed he's got drow eyes?
dm, monk, and me: we don't talk about his mother.

Diego Havoc
2017-06-08, 05:38 PM
Trixie: "I swear to Luna, if this is time traveling shenanigans..."

Nick Fury: "**** if I know. I'd be making DC movies if I did."
A game with both Trixie and Nick Fury is the best kind of game.



GM: A magical portal filled with hearts and diamonds and other card suits opens. A unicorn jumps out and headbutts you.
Unicorn: You ****ing idiot!
Kula: I don't think any of us expected that.
Yukari: I did.

Kula: Not often you see haunted nightclubs.
Bruce: I dunno, some places in Southend...

Madeline: No! We're not going back to the raccoon! He'll try to sell us a stick with poo on it or something, and I'll buy it because I'm gullible!

Madeline: I'm going to divide him by 0.

Number man: I know all of the numbers there are! Including the ones they don't want you to know about!

Yukari: *phew* Anachronism averted!

Panda: I see you are both causing a ruckus and rousing a caucus!
Party: ....
Panda: Allow me to introduce myself: I am... the PUNda!
Party: *loud screaming*
Kula & Yukari: *get up and leave*

Yukari: I can't take these puns any more.
Punda: Would you say you can't bear them?
Entire Party: DIE!

Yukari: I smacked my witch up.

GM: You'll need to throw something soft under her to break her fall.
Madeline: Got it. *throws Bruce*

Kula: I pick up the witch and **** her like a shotgun.

Kula: You killed Tony Robinson!

goto124
2017-06-08, 09:25 PM
Doc: “Why? The mare in question was dating a Wagon at the time.”

I wonder if anyone has ever dated a Flagon...

Player: Lemme guess, this so-called "True Love" is just a tall mirror.

Katrina
2017-06-08, 10:05 PM
Player 1: "Trouble is my middle name."
Player 2: "Your parents didn't love you..."

DigoDragon
2017-06-09, 06:51 AM
A game with both Trixie and Nick Fury is the best kind of game.

I think it really is. ^_^



Madeline: No! We're not going back to the raccoon! He'll try to sell us a stick with poo on it or something, and I'll buy it because I'm gullible!

Tom Nook with the alignment of Rocket? :smalltongue:



Player: Lemme guess, this so-called "True Love" is just a tall mirror.

Well hi there, stranger! Haven't seen you in a long while.

Heh, check the tall mirror for lipstick.



Player 1: "Trouble is my middle name."
Player 2: "Your parents didn't love you..."

Well that's a good point.


GM: “Rest in pepperonis, random adventuring party thirty seven.”

Viridia: “Viridia repeated Stellar's question through telepathy. Or tried to. There was always a chance that, this time, it would work!”

Doc: “What should we do if we meet any other ponies here? Specifically if they're not wearing protective suits?”
Choro: “That sort of decision has to fall to you, Doctor: you're the expert in medicine. It's part of the burden of being an educated pony.”
Doc: “Burden of an educated pony... you're a cheeky little unicorn, you know that?”
Bertly: “If there are any ponies at risk, separating them from the general population until proper sterilization of the area can be performed is the best option. If violence is necessary, however, then so be it, lest Equestria suffer an outbreak of photophobic hematophagy.”

GM: “Why did the weird totally-a-cyborg-not-a-synth-we-dont-use-that-word-this-is-a-safe-place pony get a description of the inside her mouth? The answer lies between 'died with her mouth open' and 'DM notes get weirdly long'.”

Choro: “I promise, next time we have that discussion IC, Choro isn't teleporting away.”
Moon: “Teleporting Moonshadow away is cheating as well.”
Choro: “Hey, Choro can't just teleport other party members away! ...Yet.”

Mikemical
2017-06-09, 07:25 AM
From a Star Wars d20 game:

Jedi Seer: "Now you're going to say 'You Jedi dogs are all blind to the truth. Allow me to enlighten you!', now!"
Sith Lord: "You Jedi dogs are all blind to the truth. Allow me to enlighten you!" -beat- "What?!"

From a OWoD Mage game:

Storyteller: The werewolf lunges at you, pushing the both of you into the pool.
Mage player: What would happen if lightning struck him in the pool?
Storyteller: Well, he probably would take thrice the damage. But you don't have points in the Forces sphere to cast down a bolt of lightning.
Mage player: No, but I have enough points in Entropy to make it happen.

JAL_1138
2017-06-09, 09:58 AM
Bard: Well, if they won't listen to Reason *raises crossbow*, I'll have to use Force *raises lute*.

Fighter: Don't you have those backwards?

Bard: *strums lute to cast Shatter at 4th level, blowing the windows out* Nope.

Fighter: ...ok then, I see your point.

Diego Havoc
2017-06-09, 03:57 PM
Player 1: "Trouble is my middle name."
Player 2: "Your parents didn't love you..."
Reminds me of a quote from a recent d&d game:

Jester: Don't worry! Careful is my middle name!
Upright Man: No. It isn't.
Jester: You're right! It isn't! How did you guess!?


Tom Nook with the alignment of Rocket? :smalltongue:
More like Tom Nook with the alignment of CMOT Dibbler.

DeTess
2017-06-09, 04:41 PM
From a recent Shadowrun session(somewhat paraphrased).

Employer: You've done well. I'll be able to take over the protection contract within the next couple of days.
Team Face: Allright, thank you *Hangs up*. (to team) Well, the job is done, but I still want to unleash the cats.
Drone specialist: I'll check if the aluminium foil is still attached.
Hacker: I'll make sure we get the footage.

[some minutes later]

Hacker: Cats: 3, basilisks: 0

Naez
2017-06-09, 04:55 PM
*Forest fire surrounding pixie village*
Pixie: "Spirit of the forest we beseech thee please we request your power."

*Giant green glowing elk appears*
Spirit of the Forest: "What is it you wish of me?"

Pixie: "Please of great spirit save our forest."

SotF: "It is done."
*Nothing different*

Pixie: "What? But, but nothings changed. Everything's on FIRE!!!"

SotF: "I have saved it. Exactly as it is."

Pixie: *looks closer, fire is still raging but staying in place* "Then we wish for you to put out the fire."

SotF: "Sorry one wish per fiscal millennium."
*Blinks out of existence*

DMJack
2017-06-09, 07:56 PM
The Beer Faeries explode!

JAL_1138
2017-06-09, 08:12 PM
More like Tom Nook with the alignment of CMOT Dibbler.

Madeline shouldn't feel too bad, then. CMOT Dibbler can sell a sausage-inna-bun or meat pie to someone who's bought one from him before, meaning he's probably the single most persuasive individual (or rather, set of morphic resonances, as there Dibbler-like beings in most civilizations of the Disc) in the history of the multiverse.

Miltonian
2017-06-10, 12:40 AM
"Suddenly, the goblins realize, 'Hey! This isn't a real dog!'"

"I toss him the finger. He realizes it's a fake."

"These two make a run for it and, ooh, eaten by the mimics."

"And the wine-barrels rear up and turn into these. Mimics."
"Ugh! I drank some of that stuff!"

Shinn
2017-06-10, 05:37 AM
DM : (talking about the color of miniatures) Yes, Blacks are your foes and must be crushed... Wait, that doesn't sounds right.

DM : How do you convince the ship's Captain to take you ?
X-303 : I show my old War medals and Intimidate him.
Elase : I show my skills as a sharpshooter.
Vhesper : I show my healing powers and suggest to help their medic.
Sancho : I show my dance skills by starting a conga.
Cocoa : I show my breasts.
(Elase bursts in laughs of surprise, the DM facedesks)
DM : Sancho, Cocoa... Are you sure you really want to intégrate the group this way ?

JAL_1138
2017-06-10, 06:21 AM
DM: If you want a better idea of what's going on in his head, drop acid and listen to "This Devil's Workday" and "Paint It Black," both songs at the same time, on loop. Actually, don't ever do that. That's gonna be a really, really bad trip.

goto124
2017-06-10, 08:40 AM
Well hi there, stranger! Haven't seen you in a long while.

Long enough that you're calling me 'stranger'! Not that I accomplished much in the realm of RP, so I'm afraid I have no stories to speak of. In fact, I arrived here to read everyone else's stories, and I still feel yours are the best.


GM: [...] 'DM notes get weirdly long'.”

Me: [Description of a quick with my characters' anatomy] ... and this is why they aren't fertile and can't have children.

Player: Erm... okay... so they're like organic golems? That was pretty weird though.

Guizonde
2017-06-10, 09:24 AM
korinn: you contracted us into fighting a kraken for a free crossbow?!
josé, polishing said crossbow: you guys wanted an adventure, i wanted a crossbow. win-win, in my book.
korinn: your "book" is a damned tome of necromancy that gives you nosebleeds when you read it!!
dm: she's not wrong, you know...
josé: to be fair, it's a nice crossbow...

dm: if you talk, you ruin the merchant's bluff.
josé and grim: *evil glare and ominous muscle-rolling intensifies*

bard gets spit out by a kraken: i'm freeeeeeee!
josé: hi there, free, i'm josé. have a pint on me! *goes back to fighting the kraken*

monk: that's a really old cat! what can he do? hiss at me?
cat-ptain of the ship: you young whippersnapper! no respect for your elders and your betters! *hits the monk in the jangly bits with his cane*
*monk collapses in pain*
table: *grins*

josé: would you mind telling your rogues to stop groping my cleric, please?

oracle: yo, josé, i understand now why you requisitionned those horses back in riddle-port. does requisition work with camels?

dm: soooo, the kraken rolls a natural 20 and hits the mon....
korinn the oracle: *grins*
dm: aw come on! won't you let me have one nat-20 against you guys?!

me: i can? i really can? *dm and table nods*
josé: "OPEN FIRE! FIRE AT WILL!!"
*full canonade by 15 canons*
me: *grins from ear to ear with a satisfied sigh*
dm: my kraken! my poor little kraken!
korinn: this is probably why he didn't let you have guns, guizonde.
me: too bad, he really should've let me.
dm: quit grinning. also, make josé do a bluff check, dc 25 to hide the stupid grin he's sporting.
me: can i mount a canon on the paladin's back and ride him into battle?
dm: *evil glare worthy of josé's signature move*
korinn: i think that's a nope.

grim: i'm not sure i'm comfortable using a ballista.
josé: come on big guy, think of it like a crossbow built for your size!

eva: i really want to hug the cat-ptain, he's so cute!
dm: remember what he did to the monk's jangly bits?
eva: i don't have those! i'm safe!

monk: aw great, the captain of the ship is a tsundere, and she's got a crush on our token half-gay character.
korinn: half-drow, you mean.
monk: same thing.
josé and grim: we don't talk about my/his mom.

DigoDragon
2017-06-10, 10:48 AM
Jester: Don't worry! Careful is my middle name!
Upright Man: No. It isn't.
Jester: You're right! It isn't! How did you guess!?

I'm sure there's a path of collateral damage that wold hint at that. :smalltongue:



Pixie: "What? But, but nothings changed. Everything's on FIRE!!!"

The Beer Faeries explode!

Wow, no wonder the fae realm hates us. :smalleek:



"And the wine-barrels rear up and turn into these. Mimics."
"Ugh! I drank some of that stuff!"

Um... yikes? Yeah, don't ask what it was you drank. :o



Long enough that you're calling me 'stranger'! Not that I accomplished much in the realm of RP, so I'm afraid I have no stories to speak of. In fact, I arrived here to read everyone else's stories, and I still feel yours are the best.

Me: [Description of a quick with my characters' anatomy] ... and this is why they aren't fertile and can't have children.
Player: Erm... okay... so they're like organic golems? That was pretty weird though.

Aww, you're too kind. I think others got good quotes too.

Let's see, flesh golems, bone golems, plant golems...



dm: soooo, the kraken rolls a natural 20 and hits the mon....
korinn the oracle: *grins*
dm: aw come on! won't you let me have one nat-20 against you guys?!

Poor DM. Denied so hard by the oracle.


Moon: “From an 11 to a 100.”
GM: “Clarification: Moonshadow had to roll another time due to entering a totally different area, as opposed to DM sadism (DM sadism is expressed here due to the party ending up in a murder factory full of robots).”

Doc: “Alright, basically cybernetics were for the wealthy. That much was loud and clear. So the cyborg Moonshadow found is worth a buck-ton of caps.”
GM: “Well, at the moment, Doc and Stellar are worth a buck-ton of caps.”
Doc: “Talk about 'it's what inside' that counts, eh?”

Choro: “Choro meanwhile has scrunched up her face and closed her eyes. Maths takes focus.”
INT Check: *Fail*
GM: “My goodness, apparently geometry really did have applications in the real world.”

Doc: “Everything good, Strata?”
Strata: “Stellar and Viridia are back, and I'm not dead yet, so everything's good, yeah.”

Guizonde
2017-06-10, 02:24 PM
Poor DM. Denied so hard by the oracle.


the oracle and i are going a bit rough on the guy, truth be told. we're the most experienced players at his table, and between the oracle's powers and my hijinks, he's losing his cool a lot. but man oh man, did it feel good to have the oracle's reroll ability last night. until the mid-session break, we were plagued with awful rolls.

we're also rp'ing two people who've never met before and are starting to get a very functionnal working relationship going, the oracle being my focus-point doing research into evil, and me being the general skill monkey to boost whatever she wants to do. this reminds me:

korinn slaps josé: soooo, how is it you resist possession but get transfixed by horrible revelations?
josé: i'm too stubborn to go mad from the revelations, i've still got work to do... i need a stiff drink now.
korinn: ... seems like mental trauma's your best friend. either that or anguish. you should find a shrink one of these days.
josé, going to the bar: i did. all 12 of them became alcoholics.

Diego Havoc
2017-06-10, 02:47 PM
Madeline shouldn't feel too bad, then. CMOT Dibbler can sell a sausage-inna-bun or meat pie to someone who's bought one from him before, meaning he's probably the single most persuasive individual (or rather, set of morphic resonances, as there Dibbler-like beings in most civilizations of the Disc) in the history of the multiverse.
Note that the raccoon only has the alignment of CMOT Dibbler. Believe me when I say he's not that good a merchant and we're all very glad of that. :smalltongue:


I'm sure there's a path of collateral damage that wold hint at that. :smalltongue:
Indeed. Jester is a chaotic evil bard. How good a mood he's in is proportional to the number of corpses in his wake.

DigoDragon
2017-06-10, 09:44 PM
the oracle and i are going a bit rough on the guy, truth be told. we're the most experienced players at his table, and between the oracle's powers and my hijinks, he's losing his cool a lot. but man oh man, did it feel good to have the oracle's reroll ability last night. until the mid-session break, we were plagued with awful rolls.

Heh, wish I could do cool stuff like that in my D&D games. I find mine kind of boring really.



Indeed. Jester is a chaotic evil bard. How good a mood he's in is proportional to the number of corpses in his wake.

Yikes, not often I see a bard with a body count. What's his theme song, Let the Bodies hit the Floor?


GM: "What watch do you normally take?"
Mel: "I don't know. I think the first one."
Digo: "Or a Casio."
GM: "Sigh... only five minutes in."

Digo: "Oh, so it's William Defoe in his natural form."

GM: "A dwarf appears."
Nick: *looks down* "Where?"

Mel: "I'm melee and I know it."
Digo: "Just look at these mace stats."
Digo: "Just look at these mace stats."
Digo: "Just look at these mace stats."
Mel: "I work out!"

GM: "You need to keep track of your chest. He'd get mad if I kept track of your chest."

Digo: "I turn to Chris... and wonder where'd he get the beach chair and bucket of popcorn."

GM: "And Armond just wants to spend time over by Digo."
Digo: "Well I do have an attractive personality."
GM: "So does Eddie's butt, to arrows and ranger first-aid."
Digo: "Well I imagine Eddie wishes he weren't so smart, so he wouldn't get the point."

Mel: "Damn it, Deeg. Why can't you remind me that I get a +2 to my Turning checks?"
Digo: "Why do I got to keep track of crap on your character? I have enough trouble tracking my own sheet."

GM: "It's 5 gold per person and 10 gold per horse. Per week. After that you pay again or they hunt you down."
Digo: "How would they know we've been here over a week?"
GM: "Magic contracts will track you."
Digo: "Like being in line for Disney World."

Mel: "Maybe we should go find Edward?"
Nick: "And what, make the orphans homeless?"
Mel: "Well I didn't say what we'd do to him."
Nick: "Then why are we looking for him?"
[Beat]
Digo: "The tiger's got to eat."

Nick: "We should go around midnight."
Digo: "Good idea, we'll look more suspicious that way."

GM: "The innkeeper won't let you bring the kid inside."
Mel: "Why not?"
GM: "Because this is a 7 gold per night inn."
Nick: "And the kid brings the value down by 3."

DuctTapeKatar
2017-06-10, 10:12 PM
Not really out of context, or in a game, but...

My DM talking about the best campaign we ever played: "To be honest, I was improvising the entire time."

Miltonian
2017-06-10, 11:42 PM
"Alright, Folia's turn. *Rolls* she missed."
"Nothing out of the ordinary, then."

"What's this next to me?"
"Earth elemental."
"Oh. Hi."
"Hi!"

Goblin: "It's a monster. It eats goblins!"
Me: "Ah. We have something in common then."

"Confirmed critical miss from Folia."
"Again?"

Yuki Akuma
2017-06-11, 09:04 AM
High Priest of Mask: Whatever they're paying you, I'll triple it.
Me (Invoker of Sune): You can't triple zero!
HPoM: Ugh. Idealists...
PC2 (Rogue): We're not motivated by money.
PC3 (Monk): I'm motivated by money!

Edit: Wait, it was the Rogue who said the fourth line, not the Paladin. Which is honestly funnier.

Diego Havoc
2017-06-11, 03:26 PM
Yikes, not often I see a bard with a body count. What's his theme song, Let the Bodies hit the Floor?[/SPOILER]
Actually it's Intergalactic by The Beastie Boys.

Yeah, I don't get it either. :smalltongue:

ZeroGear
2017-06-11, 08:08 PM
(God I've missed this thread)

Buster (Gunner): "These" *holds up massive guns* "are my Burst Automatic Legion Leveling Shotguns."
Nyfe (Scout): "Did you mod those just so you could spell B.A.L.L.S?"

Rivits (Mechanic): "How's that arm feel?"
Sypher (Hacker): "I'm an AI, I can't 'feel' anything."

Wyzz (Arcanist): "We wouldn't be here if you didn't keep going after forbidden artifacts!"
Solvo (Bad Guy): "You only have yourself to blame you know. You can't tell me about how sweet the candy is and then tell me not to put it in my mouth."
Wyzz: "If we're talking about dark magic then yes, I DID tell you not to put it in your mouth!"

Nyfe: "Be careful, these tombs tend to have lots of traps."
Rivits: "What's the worst thing this musty old cave could though at us?"
Floor panel: *click*
Rivits: "Uh oh."
Wyzz: "What's that rumbling sound?"

Buster: "Is that a giant ball?"
Nyfe: "Yep, and it's heading right for us."
Wyzz: "And it's made out of skeletons."
Skeleton Ball: "SKELETON WARRIORS (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3ZlpTp_dJA)!"

Sypher: "Quick, around that corner!"
*Skeleton ball slams into wall at the end of the tunnel*
Buster: "Glad that's over."
*Skeleton ball turns 90 degrees and starts rolling again*
Buster: "S**t."
Skeleton Ball: "SKELETON WARRIORS!"

Nyfe: "Poor Sypher, he was so young."
Rivits: "Don't worry, he's in my heart."
Wyzz: "I know, we'll all miss him."
Sypher: "I'm not dead yet!"
Wyzz: "Aaaahh! Ghost AI!"
Sypher: "I'm in his augments mush for brains."

Nyfe: "Well there's an amy between us and the helicopter, any ideas?"
Buster: "I'll clear a path, you guys get to the chopper."
Nyfe: "That's suicide, you'll never make it!"
Buster: *enters power suit* "We'll see." *Charges enemy* "MY D**K IS HUGE!"

Enemy General: "Casualties?"
Enemy Soldier: "About three units down, 85%of combatants dead or injured."
Enemy General: "What caused this?"
Enemy Soldier: "One man sir, one man in a power suit armed with two automatic grenade launching shotguns."
Enemy General: "What else can you tell me about this man soldier?"
Enemy Soldier: "Sir, he had a big d**k and massive B.A.L.L.S."

JAL_1138
2017-06-11, 08:41 PM
Player 1: *death glare at Player 2*
Player 2: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Player 3: It's not technically PvP if we Dimension Door out of here and leave him.

goto124
2017-06-12, 01:46 AM
Solvo (Bad Guy): "You only have yourself to blame you know. You can't tell me about how sweet the candy is and then tell me not to put it in my mouth."
Wyzz: "If we're talking about dark magic then yes, I DID tell you not to put it in your mouth!"

What did the dark magic taste like? Skittles?

Guizonde
2017-06-12, 06:45 AM
josé: gratte-moi le dos, et je te gratterai le tiens.
dm and team: *blank stare* uh, i think i get it?
josé: bloody hell, it does sound better in english! scratch my back, i'll scratch yours *rolls diplomacy*

(that'll learn me to translate idioms)

DigoDragon
2017-06-12, 07:34 AM
Wyzz (Arcanist): "We wouldn't be here if you didn't keep going after forbidden artifacts!"
Solvo (Bad Guy): "You only have yourself to blame you know. You can't tell me about how sweet the candy is and then tell me not to put it in my mouth."
Wyzz: "If we're talking about dark magic then yes, I DID tell you not to put it in your mouth!"

Haha, I love this reference! YES! :D


Choro: “Choro proceeds through the door at the end of the holding area.”
GM: “The door, apparently, had an objection. Choro found them to be solidly locked.”
Choro: “Oww.”

Viridia: “Viridia hovered when she spotted Choro's flinching at the sound of their hooves, because she's a Super Saiyan Pegasus and can do that. Suck it, groundies! Except they couldn't, because they were so low, and she was high, altitude-wise. Not, like, on drugs. Which would also have been a humorous reference.”

Mr. Handy Robot: “Animal identified as female... castration protocols canceled...”

Doc: “I'm trying to find positive uses for this [Memory Orb] other than opening a bowling lane.”

GM: “Waiting from a confirmation from the local pegasi before moving onwards into Willy Wonka's Butcher Shop.”
Doc: “Well considering the two ninjas smelled sweets, I'm wondering how much of that isn’t just hyperbole.”

Choro: *cough* “GM, I have an objection! Surely we should've found one of these (http://zelda.wikia.com/wiki/Boss_Key) before going through the big metal door?”
Doc: “That's assuming the boss is behind this door, isn't it? What if this is just the mini-boss?”
Choro: “Nah, big metal door, with nothing else in the area? Total Boss Door. All that's missing are fairies, hearts and arrows.”
Doc: “Well Andante, Stitch, and Tirkes aren't here, but we do have 1.5 Moonshadows with which to get past locked doors.”
Choro: “Even a mini-boss door would require a small key (though I'm told in some games, that item's called a 'door key', which makes me wonder if it could be opened with something sufficiently dorky).”
Doc: “Haha, so we throw half the party at the door and it opens.”

JAL_1138
2017-06-12, 09:23 AM
Player: Why go to all that trouble to guard jack s#%^? Was there something we missed, or something that was there but that's gone now? What was the point of that room?
DM: 100% pure, USDA-certified Grade-A Schmuck Bait.

Diego Havoc
2017-06-12, 02:49 PM
Buster: "Is that a giant ball?"
Nyfe: "Yep, and it's heading right for us."
Wyzz: "And it's made out of skeletons."
Skeleton Ball: "SKELETON WARRIORS (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3ZlpTp_dJA)!"
*before clicking link*

Please be what I think this is!

*after clicking link*

It is! :smallbiggrin:


Enemy General: "What else can you tell me about this man soldier?"
Enemy Soldier: "Sir, he had a big d**k and massive B.A.L.L.S."
*standing ovation* Definitely worth the build up.
https://media.tenor.com/images/1c6943c372187ed186416b895f4eb06c/tenor.gif

Urzamax
2017-06-12, 07:43 PM
(God I've missed this thread)

Buster (Gunner): "These" *holds up massive guns* "are my Burst Automatic Legion Leveling Shotguns."
Nyfe (Scout): "Did you mod those just so you could spell B.A.L.L.S?"

Enemy Soldier: "One man sir, one man in a power suit armed with two automatic grenade launching shotguns."

Which system is this from, and where can I find those guns?!

ZeroGear
2017-06-13, 07:17 AM
Which system is this from, and where can I find those guns?!

Homebrew, built the system myself (it's built around an RNG that uses playing cards instead of dice).
This was a test game to see how crazy we could get while testing big damage and magic).

TheTeaMustFlow
2017-06-13, 04:48 PM
Kiryu: "So, what we've established is that you're playing a pirate sim, I'm playing Yakuza Zero, and the rest of the party are playing Assassins-Creed-As-The-Bad-Guys, Pokemon, and Deal or No Deal respectively."
Jean-Baptiste: Glad we've got that sorted out.

JAL_1138
2017-06-13, 05:23 PM
Guard: Who the heck are you? I need to see some ID.
Player: *exact voice of Futurama character* Scruffy. The janitor.
Guard: You new? I've never seen you before
Player: *indignant* I've worked here for thirty years.
Employee: Bull. I've never seen you before either.
Player: *lip trembles* What? How can you say that, sir? *wounded, voice shaky* Story of my life...no one ever notices ol' Scruffy. Not the company I've worked the graveyard shift for for 30 years, night after night, workin' my hands to the bone; not a good woman ever since my sweet Ethel passed on, not even my own kids, they never call no more. Nobody never pays no nevermind to ol' Scruffy, don't even remember my face. Guess it ain't worth rememberin'. I shouldn't have got my hopes up and expected no better—
Employee: Ah...uh...sorry, sorry, Mr...*reads nametag*...Jones, *BS-ing* I, uh, pulled an all-nighter and I'm not all here at the moment, had a momentary lapse there, of course I remember you. We're all very glad to have someone of your dedication and commitment here at Ares Macrotechnology. *waves off guard*
Player: That's the kindest thing anybody's said to me since I lost my Ethel. Thank you, sir. I'll be out of your way in no time, just need to sweep up. *heads into office to plant malware and audio bugs*
GM: And the Oscar goes to...

Noje
2017-06-13, 06:58 PM
Magic User: Wait! I think I lost my familiar!
DM: No you didn't. he's following a few meters behind just as you instructed him.
Ranger: Dude how did you already lose track of your familiar? you just summoned him like an hour ago.
Magic User: You're one to talk. What about your dogs?
Ranger: what dogs?
Magic user: the dogs you left chained in the alleyway we entered the sewer from three sessions ago?
Ranger: Oh ****! My dogs!
DM: The scary thing is that he has three dogs OOC.

Guizonde
2017-06-13, 08:24 PM
Magic User: Wait! I think I lost my familiar!
DM: No you didn't. he's following a few meters behind just as you instructed him.
Ranger: Dude how did you already lose track of your familiar? you just summoned him like an hour ago.
Magic User: You're one to talk. What about your dogs?
Ranger: what dogs?
Magic user: the dogs you left chained in the alleyway we entered the sewer from three sessions ago?
Ranger: Oh ****! My dogs!
DM: The scary thing is that he has three dogs OOC.

reminds me of my explaining to the dm why i wanted to go urban ranger:

me: so, i've got these 8 synergies, i've got 3 team multipliers, downside i've got two separate divine casting slots meaning more book-keeping, but on the plus side, i don't have to lug an animal companion and that's less of a hassle!
dm *reading* uh, there ain't nothing saying an urban ranger loses his animal companion...
me: *very loud expletive*
team and dm: *laughs*

(i reread the rules regarding animal companions in pf, turns out that what was a throwaway line may be doable!)

me: can't we just say i've got a pet drunk?
monk: dude, no way in hell am i gonna be your pet.
me: ok... so, a pet paladin?
paladin: is it because i'm part-orc?!
dm: *sigh*
oracle: imagine having a pet oracle.
me: a half-drow with a pet that looks like a human 8 year old? really??

Gideon Falcon
2017-06-14, 12:04 AM
"Werewolf AIDS? Please, among us trained in the shapechanging magic, we just call that fleas."

DigoDragon
2017-06-14, 06:52 AM
GM: And the Oscar goes to...

http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Billy-D_Approves.gif

That was great. :smallbiggrin:



Ranger: Oh ****! My dogs!
DM: The scary thing is that he has three dogs OOC.

Yikes. Hopefully they were alright! :o


GM: “Robots are stupid. Also, Choro probably is not infected with giant tapeworms.”

Choro: “Well gang... I've made this situation worse, so I think my work here is done!”
Doc: “I'm just going to take a page from the ‘Supply Route's Guide to Wasteland Diplomacy.’”
Doc: *opens fire on the enemy robot*

Viridia: “Is Pig Latin an actual language in this setting?”
GM: “No, but Boardor exists.”

Choro: “Oh great. It almost punched Choro's head off instead. Clearly this Handy's auditioning for Mortal Kombat.”
Doc: “Well then finish it with a Friendship Fatality.”
Choro: *shoots the robot for maximum damage*
Choro: “I guess Friendship still ends Mortal Kombat.”

Choro: “Yeah, sure, have the mare who just got shot in the head give architectural advice. Seems legit.”

GM: “The goats have no real way of contributing to the fight, so, instead of being a mob, they're just going to be treated as scenery here.”

Viridia: “I PAY THE BLOOD PRICE. ...is that enough?”
GM: “It's the Iron Price that's most relevant here, given the existence of Mirror Armor.”

Gallade
2017-06-14, 07:48 AM
"No, the one that makes you uncontrollably fart fire clouds is the OTHER potion"

"He took TWO bullets to the brain and didn't die?"
"Actually it was the cerebellum. Jeesh, that's why I'm the healer here."

"I was just trying to sanitize his wounds! And technically I did, I dare you to find a germ on his remains. Or find his remains, for that matter."

"Dear diary: tried to find a way to sanitize water. Turned it into magical brain-enhancing wine instead. What a fiasco*."

"NPCs like THAT is the reason I always include a wife and children in my background."
"The downside is they're basically you with boobs or smaller. Beard included."
"And the upside is I don't get stuck with the crazy loli romantic interests. Including the crazy ones. Which is all of them."

(Leaving the prison, a thief they dropped off there screams in agony)
"They probably just chopped off his legs. Saves them the trouble of buying shackles."
"I bet he's reconsidering my offer about the whole scarification experiment thing."
"Why did you even..."
"It was for SCIENCE!"

"Don't you think you wrote the General a bit too powerful?"
"She's the highest military officer, she's got to be tough."
"Yeah, but she crippled me like nothing when I challenged her."
"That's understandable."
"But it was a STARING CONTEST! She crippled me in a STARING CONTEST! How did she even do it?"
"Determination and badassery."

*= (In Italian "Fiasco" is also a word for a reinforced bottle liquor is usually stored in)

goto124
2017-06-15, 12:37 PM
Doc: “I'm just going to take a page from the ‘Supply Route's Guide to Wasteland Diplomacy.’”
Doc: *opens fire on the enemy robot*


It's the only language robots understand!


Viridia: “Is Pig Latin an actual language in this setting?”
GM: “No, but Boardor exists.”

Google thinks I'm searching for 'border', what is that language?

JAL_1138
2017-06-15, 12:46 PM
Google thinks I'm searching for 'border', what is that language?

I figured it was a place name, a truly groan-worthy pun (the best kind!) on Mordor.

DigoDragon
2017-06-15, 01:06 PM
"But it was a STARING CONTEST! She crippled me in a STARING CONTEST! How did she even do it?"
"Determination and badassery."

When did staring contests become a contact sport? O.o



Google thinks I'm searching for 'border', what is that language?

I figured it was a place name, a truly groan-worthy pun (the best kind!) on Mordor.

I have no idea myself, but Mordor sounds as good as any.


Choro: “Dang it! That's the German version! You've clearly established this thing was built in Prance, so I'm expecting shoddy knockoff Bagger 288. ...Which still fits really.”

Stellar: “Me, loading the results (http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/941/839/46a.gif) of those attack rolls.”
Doc: “So... do you need a cigar or something after that?”

Choro: “Also FTR, you have a willing minion in Choro who'd happily help Viridia in a quest for magic. I'm still wondering about trying to create a Spell Matrix that could blend unicorn energies with pegasi ones.”
Viridia: “Not sure if innuendo.”

GM: “Fan Knife rolls to do something funny.”
Choro: “Aww.... And Choro's not there to see Fan Knife being funny?”
Doc: “Moony is there and she's not seeing the funny.”
Moon: “This is why there aren't any ninja comedians.”

Lord Torath
2017-06-15, 01:13 PM
Choro: “Also FTR, you have a willing minion in Choro who'd happily help Viridia in a quest for magic. I'm still wondering about trying to create a Spell Matrix that could blend unicorn energies with pegasi ones.”FTR: For the Record?

Diego Havoc
2017-06-15, 01:42 PM
GM: Things have mostly turned back to normal after the incident that made everyone act like idiots.

Bruce: I turn invisible, go through and turn... uninvisible?
Yukari: Behold! The visible man!

Yukari: Well, that was pointless.
Kula: Hey! We tried. You didn't.
Bruce: Yeah, you didn't even try to help anyone!
Yukari: And now you two are covered in burns. Was it worth it?

Kula: Okay. Who's strangling a velociraptor?

Kula: Have you ever fought a sabre-tooth tiger?
Yukari: N-Not recently.

Bruce: I turn invisible and crawl in.
Oni Emperor: You do well to prostrate yourself before The Sixteenth Lord of the Eight Great Hells, Magistrate of the Court of Souls, Judge of Souls, Great General of the Demon Army, Oni Emperor Godou Nyourai, mortal!
Yukari: Oh, right. He can see through invisibility. Probably should have mentioned that.

Oni Emperor: ...but first, you must complete four trials! Because I'm a ****!
Kula: Was that in-character?
GM: Oh, yes.

Oni Emperor: 1) FIND MY WIFE A BIRTHDAY PRESENT, A ROBE OF DEMONIC SPIDER SILK TRIMMED WITH PHOENIX FEATHERS
2) FIND ME A DECORATION FOR MY STUDY, THE JEWELLED BOUGH OF THE HEART TREE OF THE PRIMEVAL DARK FOREST (it's over there somewhere)
3) TAME THE RAGING STORM DRAGON AKURYU WITH A BRIDLE OF STRING SPUN FROM THE TAIL HAIRS OF A KITSUNE
4) LAY TO REST THE SOUL OF THE EVIL FOX WOMAN TAMAMO-NO-MAE WHO IS CAUSING SHENANIGANS IN THE HAUNTED RUINED PALACE, BECAUSE MY WIFE WOULD QUITE LIKE IT AS A SUMMER RESIDENCE
Extra credit: FIND ME THE LOCATION OF THE MECHANICAL BEAST ARMY OF BARDOS ISLAND, BECAUSE I HEAR THAT ALL THE COOL DEMON LORDS HAVE GIANT ROBOTS NOW

Yukari: You forgot Mother's birthday? This is serious! The whole of existance could be at stake!

DigoDragon
2017-06-15, 02:22 PM
FTR: For the Record?

Yup!



Oni Emperor: 1) FIND MY WIFE A BIRTHDAY PRESENT, A ROBE OF DEMONIC SPIDER SILK TRIMMED WITH PHOENIX FEATHERS
2) FIND ME A DECORATION FOR MY STUDY, THE JEWELLED BOUGH OF THE HEART TREE OF THE PRIMEVAL DARK FOREST (it's over there somewhere)
3) TAME THE RAGING STORM DRAGON AKURYU WITH A BRIDLE OF STRING SPUN FROM THE TAIL HAIRS OF A KITSUNE
4) LAY TO REST THE SOUL OF THE EVIL FOX WOMAN TAMAMO-NO-MAE WHO IS CAUSING SHENANIGANS IN THE HAUNTED RUINED PALACE, BECAUSE MY WIFE WOULD QUITE LIKE IT AS A SUMMER RESIDENCE
Extra credit: FIND ME THE LOCATION OF THE MECHANICAL BEAST ARMY OF BARDOS ISLAND, BECAUSE I HEAR THAT ALL THE COOL DEMON LORDS HAVE GIANT ROBOTS NOW

I totally read this in the late Mako's Aku voice and was not disappoint. :smallbiggrin:

Miltonian
2017-06-15, 07:17 PM
Oni Emperor: 1) FIND MY WIFE A BIRTHDAY PRESENT, A ROBE OF DEMONIC SPIDER SILK TRIMMED WITH PHOENIX FEATHERS
2) FIND ME A DECORATION FOR MY STUDY, THE JEWELLED BOUGH OF THE HEART TREE OF THE PRIMEVAL DARK FOREST (it's over there somewhere)
3) TAME THE RAGING STORM DRAGON AKURYU WITH A BRIDLE OF STRING SPUN FROM THE TAIL HAIRS OF A KITSUNE
4) LAY TO REST THE SOUL OF THE EVIL FOX WOMAN TAMAMO-NO-MAE WHO IS CAUSING SHENANIGANS IN THE HAUNTED RUINED PALACE, BECAUSE MY WIFE WOULD QUITE LIKE IT AS A SUMMER RESIDENCE
Extra credit: FIND ME THE LOCATION OF THE MECHANICAL BEAST ARMY OF BARDOS ISLAND, BECAUSE I HEAR THAT ALL THE COOL DEMON LORDS HAVE GIANT ROBOTS NOW

*Furiously scribbles down notes.

Anyway, only have one this time.

"My character has a wisdom of 4! Everything I say is either contains insane stupidity or flagrant disregard for personal safety. Don't. Listen. To. My. Plans."

Gallade
2017-06-16, 07:25 AM
"I'm not saying we used the scrying pools to have the fantasy equivalent of phone sex. Now, I'm not saying we didn't either."

JAL_1138
2017-06-16, 08:57 AM
I totally read this in the late Mako's Aku voice and was not disappoint. :smallbiggrin:

Oh man. It's the little parentheticals, the "it's over there somewhere" or "extra credit" that really make it. I can't *not* read that in Aku's voice now :smallbiggrin:

Inevitability
2017-06-18, 10:24 AM
Wizard: Is the scroll made of asbestos?

DM: So yeah, you now control a floating sphere of ice-rock several hundred meters wide and weighing a few tons.
Warlock: I say we drop it on people we don't like!

All: Necro party! Necro party!

Gallade
2017-06-18, 01:45 PM
"I ask him if he's the one we're supposed to rescue."
"What do you say to him?"
"Hey, are you Insert Name of the Guy we're Supposed to Rescue Here?"

"Your missed strikes and shots have pretty much carved a bas-relief on the cave wall by now. You're Around The World In 80 Day's-ing this fight."

Diego Havoc
2017-06-18, 04:04 PM
I totally read this in the late Mako's Aku voice and was not disappoint. :smallbiggrin:
I told the GM and he seemed pleased. I suspect he will now be practicing his Aku voice for the next session. :smallbiggrin:

DigoDragon
2017-06-18, 06:36 PM
"I'm not saying we used the scrying pools to have the fantasy equivalent of phone sex. Now, I'm not saying we didn't either."

My bucket list just got a new entry.


Abbott: "Is there something I can do for you?"
Nick: "We're only waist-deep in crap. We want to go all the way deep."

Digo: "Dude, our mule is more exotic than your tiger."

Abbott: "The emperor practices magic, the likes of which no one has ever seen!"
Digo: "That's cause he practices in the closet."
Nick: "Go tell the emperor to stop waving his wand."

Digo: "Nick is nobility. He's from a far away land called... Orlando."
GM: "Um, that isn't--"
Digo: "It's a magic kingdom."

Mel: "Sorry, Deeg. You're Little Mac."

Digo: "So how does this gladiatorial thing work?"
Arena: *starts spitting out hordes of bodies*
Announcer: "Big money! Big prizes! I love it!"
Digo: "Aww, crap."

Nick: *holds up a sign that reads 'You can do it!'*
Digo: "What if I lose this fight?"
Nick: *Flips the sign over so it reads 'You suck!'*

GM: "What is wrong with you?"
Chris: "The list is long and audacious."

Nick: "Get him, Digo! Kick that furry so hard, he finds himself back on Yerf!"

GM: "HOW?! I pitted you against three bugbears and you won! I was ready to have you carted away on a stretcher."
Nick: "By the way, about those three-to-one odds? Yeah, the party just made 375 gold from betting on Digo."
GM: *removes his glasses and headdesks*

Chris: "I apologize for the small print-- Oh, I can make it bigger. Well, just scroll down then because the narrow margins are-- Oh, I can auto-rotate."

Abbott: "My son, what brings you a third time to my presence?"
Chris: "I know, I can't keep away."
Digo: "He's basically your Costello."

Digo: "This isn't a spell! This is half a Reese's Peanutbutter Cup!"

Digo: "Slush of healing?"
Chris: "Ack, brain freeze!! Oh, I feel better."

Chris: "One of the easiest sins you will fall into is--"
Digo: "Fan fiction?"

Nick: "So how high a wedgie do you want us to give to your nephew?"
Digo: "High enough that he can taste it?"

GM: "Oooh."
Mel: "I don't like Oooh."

Digo: "We're hunting something dangerous. Might as well be careful for once."
Chris: "Wait, we can do that?"

GM: "What's Freya's armor class?"
Digo: "Cardboard last time I checked with you."

Digo: "I don't understand what happened. One moment we were fighting displacer beasts, and then a lawnmower drove by and nailed one."

Miltonian
2017-06-18, 06:51 PM
From the session yesterday.

"That'll be a DC 20 will save not to SIT, DOGGY."

"So we're fighting a combination of Darth Vader and Wolverine?"
"We're screwed."

"Hey! I was right. We were screwed."

"Can I grab [player 2]'s bow? I want to sell it to [criminal, magic item syndicate]."
"You are the biggest bastard I ever met."

ZeroGear
2017-06-18, 11:38 PM
Buster: "Time for the seasoning!"
Dealer: What exactly do you put on your steak?
Buster: A1, Worcester Sauce, Sweet mustard, and Mayonnaise.
Wyzz: So you cover your steak in AWSM Sauce?
Dealer: *headdesk*

Wyzz: "Is Sypher still in your augments?"
Rivit: "Sadly. Still haven't managed to make her a new body."
Buster: "But you're so close now."
Sypher: *possesses Rivit's cyber arm and cuffs Buster.*

General Eisenfaust: *Cracks knuckles* "Zeit für you to feel schmertz!"
Nyfe: "Tactical retreat?"
Wyzz: "Tactical retreat.
Rivit: "RUN!"
Dealer: As you run through the doors and sprint down the stairs, you hear a maniacally jovial laugh though the stonework. AS you reach the bottom of the staircase, the door in front of you bursts open, revealing the towering form of General Eisenfaust on the other side.
Nyfe: Did he just pull a f***ing Gamagori?

Buster: "Anyone got any buckets? Or something to plug this big hole?"
Nyfe: *sits down and plugs the hole with her butt*
Buster: "That works.*
Nyfe: "The advantages of being Thicc."

Enemy Ninja: "Even if it's the last thing I do, I shall ram my fingers up [Buster's] butt."
Buster: O.O

Rivit: "Why is that gorilla in a nightgown?"
Wyzz: "And why does it have hair curlers?"
Gorilla: "Ook."

Solvo: "You know something I don't."
Wyzz: "I know a lot of things."
Solvo: "I want the location of the maps your group holds."
Wyzz: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Solvo: "I guess then there's only one way for me to truly know what you know."
Wyzz: "...ask nicely?"
Solvo: "I'm going..." *pulls down curtain, revealing an oversized bong* "to smoke you."
Wyzz: "...I'm going to so give you lung cancer."

Nyfe: "Rivit! You're safe!"
Rivit: "So are you?"
Buster: "Where's Wyzz?"
Wyzz: "Don't know, he got carried off by a gorilla with hair curlers... why are you walking funny?"
Nyfe: "He ended up on the wrong end of a kancho."

DeafnotDumb
2017-06-19, 05:03 AM
Heretical context: my weekly Masks (teen superhero) game.

Purple Diamond: The Silver Age was a… different time. A different, more racist time.

Purple Diamond: His name was Kickpuncher. He had feet for hands and hands for feet. He kicked punches and punched kicks. He was the worst supervillain I have ever met, and I lost to him.

AGEIS Interrogator: Do you want to eat this glass? Does it look tasty? Does it make you hungry? Does it? Does it?

Shaker: Steve is currently taking time-out in the bathroom for being an incompetent ****stick.

Priest: I would not recommend attempting to feed your comrades to vampires.
Shaker: He’s only slightly unwilling.
Priest: Lord grant me patience.

[S]Alarma Larma Girl: It turns out that Alarma Girl is trademarked, so, er… I guess I’m Larma Girl again.
Saviour: Trademarked?
Larma Girl: Saturday Morning Cartoon deal.

Larma Girl: We’re all fighting our internal Kickpuncher [taps heart] in here.

Gallade
2017-06-19, 07:02 AM
"The rope tries to coil around your foot...(roll) and fails spectacularly."
"Shouldn't he fall over?"
"No, he's not the one who did the maneuver. He just animated the rope, the rope's the one who did the maneuver."
"Okay, shouldn't the rope fall over now?"
"(Sigh) the rope knots itself up embarassingly and falls over."
"I'm SO coup de gracing that rope."

"Ok, now you can grow boils on your knuckles which spray your enemy with poison when you punch them..."
"Purple Haze"
"DAMMIT, I knew it had been done already"

Grim Portent
2017-06-19, 11:16 AM
P1: In deference to the climate [Barbarian] is wearing loose fitting clothes that he can remove easily when raging.

P2: Like a stripper?

P3: Sexy music plays when he rages.

P3+P4: Ba-da-badah-BAH! *P4 mimes tearing open their shirt like a male stripper*

P3: Oh my god, this is now the canon for how [Barbarian] rages!

Joe the Rat
2017-06-19, 11:50 AM
I totally read this in the late Mako's Aku voice and was not disappoint. :smallbiggrin:
Well NOW I am...

From Session 0:

DM: I'd like you to play a Kender.

Sniccups
2017-06-19, 01:41 PM
"Use your words, not the net"

"Whatever you do, don't mention demons"

"Long-distance intimidation!"

(after rolling a 20 on a check to "find chickens") "You found all the chickens. There aren't any"

"Check for chameleons" (rolls a 20) "There aren't any" "What about chickens?"

"There can always be chameleons!"

Dexam
2017-06-19, 09:37 PM
Me (to DM): "I've figured out how Zagyg created the flaming pillar coming out the top of the pyramid."
DM: "How?"
Me: "It was easy - he used a ziggurat lighter."
DM: *very slow head-desk*

DM: "The six-foot long black metal arm comes flying out of the fog."
P1: "I take my readied attack." *rolls* "Never mind, that's a miss."
Me: "It must have been expecting it... I guess that forearmed is forewarned."
DM: *facepalm* "...why?!"
P2: "That is such a dad-joke!"

DM: "The black metal arm falls to the stairs with a metallic clang and stops moving."
Me: "It's down?"
DM: "Yep."
Me: "Well, I guess it's 'armless now."
DM (to P2): "It's getting worse. I didn't think it could, but it is."

TheTeaMustFlow
2017-06-20, 05:28 PM
"So, let's just reflect on the history of fighting juice here. We started with perfectly good hundred year old wine we found in a ruin, turned it into Malibu through alchemy and an act of God, marketed as steroids to not-Chinese street fighters, then tried to turn it into a Molotov cocktail by turning chickens into chimeras."

Belac93
2017-06-20, 09:18 PM
Vampire: the Requiem 2e:

Mekhet: "Don't mess with me. I've got 4 dots of Celerity, 3 dots of Obfuscate, and 4 dots of Advanced Crafts (duct tape). And Composure 1."

DigoDragon
2017-06-21, 07:16 AM
Me: "It was easy - he used a ziggurat lighter."

Me: "It must have been expecting it... I guess that forearmed is forewarned."

Me: "Well, I guess it's 'armless now."

I swear, somehow I need to get you, my local friend Chris, and myself together in a campaign. We'd probably cause the poor GM to bleed out the ears due to the catastrophic levels of punnery we'd inflict. :smallbiggrin:


GM: “DM note: forgot [Doc] brought the roaches instead of leaving them back with the B party. Huh.”

Viridia: “I guess we can't call this robot Dark Souls 3/For Honor/Mass Effect: Andromeda, 'cause it has dedicated servers. AMIRITE GUISE U KNO IT.”

GM: “The robot's body was then suddenly riddled by several knives that, rending through it's chassis like it happened to be a ripe fruit.”

British Robot: “You're a bloody idiot, that's what you is! Come on, pony, I'm three laws compliant! I know you have to have wings, you made clouds! If you just stop these shenanigans, I'll show you to the break room and fix you a coffee. Or tea, if you like that.”

Giant Robot: “"HOSTILES DETECTED. ENGAGING HOSTILES.”
Viridia: “Who programs their robots to attack a bunch of hot young ponies and Doc?!”

Doc: “Whoahoho! Alright, let's do this! This is where we fight! This is where it dies! HA-OOH!!”

Choro: “Some Science!” (rolls a skill check) “What kinda rowboats are we fighting?”

goto124
2017-06-21, 11:34 AM
Doc: “Whoahoho! Alright, let's do this! This is where we fight! This is where it dies! HA-OOH!!”

I'm not sure what the context is, so it sounds pretty naughty :tongue:


Choro: “Some Science!” (rolls a skill check) “What kinda rowboats are we fighting?”


The first thing I imagine was a bunch of Mimics pretending to be rowboats... then I realized this isn't DnD.

ZeroGear
2017-06-21, 09:33 PM
(I swear there are some gags my groups can't escape.)

Buster: "Alright, tell us where our friend is!"
Enemy minion: "You'll get noting out of me!"
Sypher: "Let me try." I possess Rivit's arm, then grab his jewels and twist.
Dealer: When did that become the go-to answer to all interrogations?

Solvo: "Anything you wish to tell me now?"
Wyzz: "I hope you choke."
Buster: *Kicks in door* "ALL IN B.A.L.L.S. OUT!" *Starts firing*

Wyzz: "What where you thinking?"
Buster: "We saved you, didn't we? I'd say the plan worked"
Wyzz: "Blowing me up to save me IS NOT A GOOD PLAN!"

Rivit: "So, how's the new body feel? I made sure to add a spare energy pack and extra fire power."
Sypher: "I don't know..." *turns to Nyfe* "Does this chassis make my butt look big?"
Nyfe: "Nope, just thicc."

Thug minion 1: "Ey yo, yuz better not be messin' with us."
Thug minion 2: "Yeh, no one messis with the Rat Kings!"
Thug minion 1: "No one messis wit us cuz we got the biggest balls!"
Thug minion 2: "Yeh, weve got te biggest, sweatiest balls around!"
Thug minion 1: "Theyz so big, it's like a Tanuki in here!"

Buster: "Cry some more!" *opens fire*
Sypher: "Time to try out this new chassis. Arming weapon systems..."
Rivit: "Fire the b**b missiles!"
Dealer: Why would you even install those?
Rivit: Why wouldn't I install those?

Dealer: You manage to grab the floating drone, clinging to it as you float gently towards the ground.
Nyfe: *Big grin*
Dealer: Don't. Say. It.
Nyfe: "I'm Marry Poppins y'all!"
Dealer: *headdesk*

DigoDragon
2017-06-22, 07:20 AM
Nyfe: "I'm Marry Poppins y'all!"

*Snerk* Good reference. :3



I'm not sure what the context is, so it sounds pretty naughty :tongue:

Heh, it's a movie quote if that helps. Or maybe not. :smallwink:


Choro: “If so she'll chime in right now, feeling rather embarrassed she just tried to fry a bot that's 1: lightning resistant, 2: rare, and 3: potentially willing to help them.”
Doc: “I imagine that Everfrost's first encounter with Equestrian robots will end up this way, minus the embarrassed part.”

Viridia: “My cockney archers have doubled since the last time we met.”
GM: “Got to put money in whatever credit union they're being stored, then, if they're doubling.”

Viridia: “I like this robot. I just feel a spark between us.”
Doc: “Ooh, so bonus damage lightning balls fueled with the power of Friendship?”
Viridia: “I'm pretty sure the damage bonus is static.”

Choro: “I'll see what I can do about... everything. Sorry we attacked you.”
Doc: “Technically it threatened us first. It only parlayed after it got its rear chassis handed to it.”

Moon: “I don't think we'll find the master server or whatever in the meat storage.”

GM: “The robot replied, its voice warbling slightly at some points as it apparently had a stroke.”

Joe the Rat
2017-06-22, 08:45 AM
The first thing I imagine was a bunch of Mimics pretending to be rowboats... then I realized this isn't DnD.
*reads comment*
*eyes White Plume Mountain*
*grins*

Diego Havoc
2017-06-22, 01:48 PM
From Session 0:

DM: I'd like you to play a Kender.
AUUGHHHHH! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Edit:

Buster: "Cry some more!" *opens fire*
Sypher: "Time to try out this new chassis. Arming weapon systems..."
Rivit: "Fire the b**b missiles!"
Dealer: Why would you even install those?
Rivit: Why wouldn't I install those?
https://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mazinger/images/c/c4/OppaiMissiles.jpg



Yukari: I think this plan was poorly thought out.
Bruce: I thought it was Chicken Tonight.

Bruce: I'll go invisible, scout out the area, then give you a hand signal when it's clear.
Kula: Hand signal? When you're invisible?
Bruce: ...Oh right.

Yukari: The power of love is nothing compared to the power of a shotgun!
Bruce: Amen!

Tamamo-no-Mae: Yes, I suppose I'll have to get the other guards. They're not as loyal as the others, they require much more training. I picked them up after I took over the place, you see? But I think that-
Yukari: You would be amazed- simply amazed- at how little I care.

Yukari: I think I'll come back to Hell for my holidays.
Kula: Helladays.

GM: There are a few odd things, like skeleton guards-
Yukari: Really? After all the stuff we've seen, the skeletons are odd?
Kula: Yeah, skeletons are pretty normal at this point. Now, the demonic fire chickens on the other hand...

Storm Dragon: It seems we are at an impasse and believe me, I've seen many an impasse in my time.
Yukari: Are you talking about the one with the eyeball instead of a butthole?

GM: Next session: A birthday party... in Hell!

Kula: I just can't believe that a cave woman, a gangster, and a half-demon ninja just managed to Undertale their way through Hell.

Geigan
2017-06-22, 07:57 PM
Player 2: "Ok, so we're done helping these people."
Player 1: "Yep. We've helped take this city back for the ghouls."
Player 2: "Wait, what?"
Everyone Else: "YES! He didn't notice!"
Player 2: "What?!"
Player 1: "Don't worry about it. It was all in a dream."
Player 2: "WHAT?!"

Gallade
2017-06-23, 01:12 PM
"You're 15 feet tall. I have two swords and a grappling hook. WE WERE MEANT TO DO THIS REFERENCE!"
"Wait a second, you're supposed to kill US, not each other."

"You have exterminated everyone in a half mile's radius. Pity you also broke such a nice boulder in two as well."

"I get a lightbulb on my head! Except it's not a lightbulb, it's a flame. And it comes from my hair. My hair's on fire. Crap!"

"I'm off to the Dragon Tail to save my sister!"
"Do you know where that is?"
"......I'm off to a random direction to save my sister!"

"Yeah, that big half-dragon guy? He's basically a horrid abomination created while trying to turn people into dragons. And since he has my sister's blood transfused in him and he's also gone demented from the mutation shock he kinda knows me and agreed not to attack us. Try making sense of that."

Gideon Falcon
2017-06-23, 02:35 PM
"I roll to not drool."
Dice: 8
"I drool everywhere."

MasterMercury
2017-06-23, 04:07 PM
"You're 15 feet tall. I have two swords and a grappling hook. WE WERE MEANT TO DO THIS REFERENCE!"
"Wait a second, you're supposed to kill US, not each other."

"

What reference? I really want to know.

Diego Havoc
2017-06-23, 04:36 PM
What reference? I really want to know.
I would guess Attack on Titan?

DuctTapeKatar
2017-06-23, 06:50 PM
What reference? I really want to know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbaz5gwtQOA

sorry i just had to

Gallade
2017-06-24, 09:55 AM
The Barbarian is shoving a goblin off a boat. As a desperate measure, as his Attack of opportunity, the little green guy eeps and points his short sword at him.
The attack hits and is a confirmed critical. As the Barbarian thrusts his arms forwards, he gets both his hands impaled on the sword, he manages to push off the goblin but he now has slits in his hands big enough to pass a finger through.
Ninja:"Jesus @#§*^ing Christ!"
Barbarian:"Please tell me that's not going to be my nickname now."

bulbaquil
2017-06-24, 08:13 PM
GM: "You fall 13d6 feet."

P5: "...and I do 4d8 damage."
GM: "Okay, so how much damage is that?"
P5: "4d8."
P1: "...You have to roll the dice."

Guizonde
2017-06-24, 09:39 PM
GM: "You fall 13d6 feet."

P5: "...and I do 4d8 damage."
GM: "Okay, so how much damage is that?"
P5: "4d8."
P1: "...You have to roll the dice."

was your player stoned at that time? i saw it happen once, my teammate answered "i hit for 2d10 impact damage". "what'd you roll?" "uh, i forgot to roll..."

as an aside:

dm: "you hit for overkill damage...."
me: "can i roll for the exact damage?"
enlil: "we don't have enough d10's by at least a multiple of 10 for that, edward..."
dm: "everyone vote: last time edward uses nukes?"
team: "depends on what you're throwing at us. she's our plan c..."
dm: "EDWAAAAAAAAARD!!"
me: *giggles maniacally*

(we figured we need at least 650 d10's for that particular feat of violence... it was beautiful in a michael bay kind of subtle)

DigoDragon
2017-06-25, 11:29 AM
Sniper Scope: "Just a thought, but maybe 'Primrose' for Partial Charge's call sign?"
GM: "But guys! A pony nicknamed 'Love' going to fight Chrysalis! Just think of it."
Rose Croix: "Isn't that like fighting a fox with a rotisserie chicken?"

DeTess
2017-06-25, 01:10 PM
Shadowrun 5:

DM: you successfully place the Data-bomb. How much damage do these do?
me: *Looks it up in the PHB* Rating x d6, so 5d6 in this case.
DM: ... You're joking, right?
Me: Nope, that's what it says right here *shows paragraph*.
DM: but..., but... This is Shadowrun, Nothing does xdx amounts of damage.
Me: well, this one does, apparently.
DM *sighs and mutters comment about Shadowrun needing some fething editors*

Gallade
2017-06-25, 02:44 PM
Cavalier: "You have one second to explain why you were sleeping under my bed"
(Aranea disguised as a) Wizard: "Because I couldn't get on top of it, you were already sleeping there. Duh."
(Wizard gets splatted on a wall)


Same Cavalier as before: "There are three things you just don't @#§* with: my reputation, my camel and my wife!"
(Rest of the party stares at him)
Cavalier: "Er, not necessarily in that order."

ZeroGear
2017-06-25, 08:47 PM
Buster: "Don't worry, we're downhill! They can't catch us!"
Skeletons: "GATTAI!"
Dealer: Those of you looking back see one of the skeletons jumps on the back of another, followed by more starting to cling to each other. As you watch, the army of skeletons chasing you coalesces into a single entity now rolling after you.
Nyfe: "Oh please no."
Dealer: Remember your old friend Skeleton Ball?

Sypher: "What kind of nutcase mixes skeletons with motorcycle tires?"
Rivit: "The kind that's played way too much Dark Souls."

Wyzz: "What happened to you?"
Buster: "The door tried to eat me."

Nyfe: "Quick, get in!"
Sypher: "Is that an ambulance?"
Rivit: "Where the heck did you get that?"
Nyfe: "Not important, just get in!"
Rivit: "Move over, I'm driving."
Buster: "What's wrong with the way I drive?"
Rivit: "You drive like a maniac! You'll probably hit someone!"
Nyfe: "If we do we'll just load them in the back."

Nyfe: "We got you now Solvo, give up!"
Solvo: "I wouldn't be so sure. ARISE MY SKELEBEASTS!"
Rivit: "Your...what?"
Dealer: As Solvo shouts his command, the earth beneath you starts to shake. Cracks give way as the ground splits apart while skeletal beings rise. Shaking their way from their earthen prison, five bony forms tower over you: the Skeletal Elephant, the Skeletal Rhinoceros, the Skeletal Lion, the Skeletal Gorilla, and the Skeletal Bison.
Wyzz: "...we're boned."
Solvo: "Not yet."

Buster: *enters in power armor* "Prepare to kiss your beasts goodbye!"
Solvo: "Not quite yet, I've still got one more trick up my sleeve!"
Wyzz: "Oh god, is he going to...?"
Solvo: "SkeleBeasts: COMBINE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMItA-G8ej4)!"
*Group watches as the five beasts combine into a giant skeleton mecha*
Wyzz: "Called it!"

scalyfreak
2017-06-25, 08:53 PM
Sypher: "What kind of nutcase mixes skeletons with motorcycle tires?"
Rivit: "The kind that's played way too much Dark Souls."
1

That one made me laugh. :smallbiggrin:

goto124
2017-06-26, 02:49 AM
Rose Croix: "Isn't that like fighting a fox with a rotisserie chicken?"

I have an idea for a new Legend of Zelda creature...


Sypher: "What kind of nutcase mixes skeletons with motorcycle tires?"
Rivit: "The kind that's played way too much Dark Souls."


Apparently, the author of KSBD plays too much Dark Souls.

Inevitability
2017-06-26, 04:30 AM
Apparently, the author of KSBD plays too much Dark Souls.

Aw, you beat me to it.

Lord Raziere
2017-06-26, 05:14 AM
Apparently, the author of KSBD plays too much Dark Souls.

Apparently so do the authors of Warhammer 40,000. years before Dark Souls existed.

DigoDragon
2017-06-26, 06:58 AM
Doc: “Don't worry, I'll wash my hands before handling any wounds.”
Bertly: “Hands? Are you an ape?”
Doc: “I might of been a griffon in a past life, I'm not sure.”

Strata: “Are you sure you're not under some mind control spell or anything?”
Doc: “Um, if I were under one would I even know?”
Bertly: “That's something a changeling would say.”

Viridia: “How come when we need an authority on magic roaches, everyone's got an opinion, but the best I got for my magic sword was 'I dunno, stab something with it'?”

Choro: “Apologies for Choro not thanking Doc.”
Doc: “Choro can thank Doc by not getting killed in this facility.”

Lord Gehnvaar
2017-06-26, 09:17 AM
Me: I find it best to always tackle your problems head on
Thief: I think ramming our ship onto theirs is a bit too literal

Joe the Rat
2017-06-26, 09:18 AM
NEW CAMPAIGN!

FX Halfling: OOC: Ooh, you should play guitar!
Minotaur Comedian: OOC: And I can hit people with it!
Pat the Kender: OOC: You should have an Axe that's an Axe!
FX Halfling: OOC: Oh Like Marceline! An axe shaped guitar.
Pat the Kender: OOC: Actually that's her dad's battle-axe that she turned into a bass.
FX Halfling: OOC: *gives Pat the "how do you old people know this" look*


DM:FX, I'd like you to write about your intergalactic unicorn smuggling experience.
Minotaur Comedian: Some of those might have just been llamas with horns glued on...


Pat the Kender: Can I rig 34 slings into a ten-foot pole?

goto124
2017-06-26, 09:32 AM
Doc: “Don't worry, I'll wash my hands before handling any wounds.”
Bertly: “Hands? Are you an ape?”
Doc: “I might of been a griffon in a past life, I'm not sure.”


Once, my RP partner used the wrong colors for his PC's speech. I mentioned that "PC was so angry, he changed voices!"


Strata: “Are you sure you're not under some mind control spell or anything?”
Doc: “Um, if I were under one would I even know?”
Bertly: “That's something a changeling would say.”

Wow, that synth... changeling test was terrible :D

Spookykid
2017-06-26, 03:15 PM
guy: hey can you cast fire resistance on me so i can run into that fire?
me: sure
me: mumble mumble mumble, done, now run through that fire and grab that gem
guy: (burning and yelling, and almost dead) thought you cast fire resistance on me
me: i don't know how to cast spells

DigoDragon
2017-06-26, 07:17 PM
Once, my RP partner used the wrong colors for his PC's speech. I mentioned that "PC was so angry, he changed voices!"

LOL, wow that is a lot of anger to have that happen! :D



Wow, that synth... changeling test was terrible :D

I would love to have a moment where the GM secretly lets me play a changeling disguised as Doc while the real Doc was actually somewhere else or captured. Would be amusing for a little while. Then probably get shot dead. XD



me: i don't know how to cast spells

Might want to mention that sooner next time. ;)



Minotaur Comedian: Some of those might have just been llamas with horns glued on...

Shhh! Don't give away the trade secrets!



Me: I find it best to always tackle your problems head on
Thief: I think ramming our ship onto theirs is a bit too literal

Though technically ramming does work quite well. Trouble is surviving it!


Xencarn: "Oh well that was your problem. Don't put me in position of authority."
Zai: Lepers have to be front-line. They don't have any back-line skills."
Xencarn: "Wait. Why was I a Leper?"
Zai: "Because everyone else was already named."
Xencarn: "Fair I guess."
Zai: "And also because you hit like a [beep] truck."
Xencarn: "Also fair."

Gallade
2017-06-27, 07:54 AM
"Our good and merciful doctor is going to outfit us with grenade launchers, that's enough firepower to destroy the entire city."
"It's more of a side project, really. I hate being idle."

"A starfish has millions of tiny hair-like feet under each branch, allowing it to move and grasp its prey while remaining anchored to the sea floor. It's also able to prolapse its stomach, which is covered with barbs that grab food and drag it inside where it will be stored for nutrition."
"Fascinating. Anything else we should know?"
"This one is about 20 feet wide."
"Ah, there's the catch."



Xencarn: "Oh well that was your problem. Don't put me in position of authority."
Zai: Lepers have to be front-line. They don't have any back-line skills."
Xencarn: "Wait. Why was I a Leper?"
Zai: "Because everyone else was already named."
Xencarn: "Fair I guess."
Zai: "And also because you hit like a [beep] truck."
Xencarn: "Also fair."

Are you doing a Darkest Dungeon inspired campaign?

Martin Greywolf
2017-06-28, 04:30 AM
From a one on one One Piece game:

Daine: Is our briefcase full of money okay?
DM: It has her face dented into it, but other than that, yeah.

DM: Don Timoteo is standing where light from that one window frames him dramatically, and there are rose petals in the air. You’re still not sure where he gets them from.
Daine: I’ll have to ask him one of these days.

DM: You see one of the drunks fly through the air and Kathryn rounds the corner.
Amber Daine: Crap. Uh, I kiss Don Timotheo, that way she can’t see our faces and will move on.
[proceeds to fail the Deception check horribly]
DM: Don Timotheo enters a blissful daze and shouts at the top of his lungs:
Don Timotheo: Oh, Senorita!
Kathryn: [turns slowly around] DAINE!

DM: Well, you are subjected to a flying tackle by a rather irate Marine officer, and you both blast through the door, right into a vat of melted butter.
Amber: Who keeps melted butter?
DM: …you both say as you get up, then look at each other.
Amber: Uh, I say “Hey there, Kathryn” seductively and write “amber” on her arm. It may just shock her enough to work.
[rolls a lot more than strictly necessary]
DM: She goes “Whuh?!” and blushes, and then promptly turns to amber statute. You one-shot her again.
Amber: I have a special talent!

DM: He has an aspect “Ushanka is love, ushanka is life”.

DM: “The bear rolls around, mumbles “Suka blyat” and falls back asleep.

Tom Doniphon: Aw c’mon, m’lady, that was a mighty fine hat you just shot!
Amber: And that was my lung YOU just shot! I’m very attached to it!
Tom: …Fair enough.

DM: …and Captain Boris is on his knees, tears streaming from his eyes, cradling his ushanka in his arms.


From a one on one Naruto game:

Naruto: The very first thing you did after we met was peeing all over my stuff.
Ama: …I’m not apologizing.

Naruto: See now, if you just let me explode him into a fine, pink mist, we wouldn’t have this problem.

Naruto: So, what’s your name anyway?
Kyuubi: I’m not gonna tell you.
Naruto: Okay then, from now on, I shall call you Foxy the Fox. Hello, Foxy!
Kyuubi: You are so dead.

Kiba: What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
Naruto: Shall I fetch you a dictionary?

Naruto: [doing his best Aku impression] SAMURAI FOOL!

Naruto: I deny all responsibility and accept all the credit.

Naruto: Now that I blew up a bridge, I need a new dream. Maybe I’ll blow up a society.

Oohnoki: This photograph is biased against me.

Naruto: And Foxy is officially a tsundere.
Kyuubi: I’m not a tsundere!
Naruto: …you baka?

Naruto: And it turns out that Ama peeing on my stuff was actually to protect me. I… I don’t really know how to feel about this.

Naruto: Oh, Genin would splatter all right, they just wouldn’t accomplish much by it.

Sound ninja: Stop, or I step on this rice!
Naruto: Do I look like Tennoji to you?
Sound ninja: Well, you’re working for him!
Naruto: Eh, I’m just gonna fertilize it with your blood.

Random guard: So creepy!
Naruto: And here I thought you were about to say kinky. Eh, to each his own.

Naruto: So, uh, Ama is Amaterasu.
Saki: You don’t say.
Naruto: No, I mean she’s Amaterasu Amaterasu.
Saki: Oh kami, you’re not joking, are you?
Naruto: So, remember how you chased her around yesterday with a spray bottle after she licked you?
Saki: [goes full BSOD]

DM: As you destroy the barrier seal, a swarm of angry squirrels starts to rain down on you.
Naruto: Huh. I was expecting honey badgers, but I guess this place just isn’t home.

Yagura: Why did you shoot the moon?
Naruto: I didn’t want to! I aimed it away from us at the sky and the moon got in the way!

Naruto: Have we done goofed? We have done goofed, haven’t we.

Tsunade: Naruto no!
Naruto: Naruto yes!

Naruto: And the moon could have been shot by anyone, really.

Naruto: Look, first of all, the island sinking wasn’t my fault. Second of all, it was a horrible place and no one will miss it.

Naruto: I think I’ll team up with Gaara’s team for the exams, and call our group Dedicated Scumbags.

Naruto: Aw yeah, Naruto Uzumaki Space Program, here we go!

Tsunade: Should I assign you to a sensitivity seminar under Might Guy?
Naruto: Sure, but I’ll give him all sorts of ideas on how to be more youthful.
Tsunade: Mutually assured destruction, huh?

Saki: Why do you have a sex dungeon on the north pole?
Naruto: Correction – why did my parents have a sex dungeon on the north pole? Wait… that question answers itself.

Saki: The south pole too. I’m not even a little bit surprised.

Naruto: Well, I made this to be able to get drunk, what with being a jinchuuriki and all. It may or may not have ABV content of over 100% and has a lot of sugar in it. I call it the Caramel Supplex, cause that’s what it tastes like.
Saki: What does a supplex taste like?
Naruto: I’d tell you to drink this and find out, but you really shouldn’t.

Naruto: Every time I drink this, someone pops up and starts to pester me about my love life. I think there’s something wrong with the brewing process.

Naruto: What is Kokuo even supposed to be anyway? Dolphinhorse?
Kyuubi: Well, he was always interested in hybrids.
Naruto: He was the weird kid of your group, wasn’t he? I feel I can relate…

DigoDragon
2017-06-28, 07:56 AM
Are you doing a Darkest Dungeon inspired campaign?

I think they were. I was just watching their conversation on Discord. I should get in on that.



DM: “The bear rolls around, mumbles “Suka blyat” and falls back asleep.

I've watched enough of the 'Car Crash Time' on YouTube to have an idea what that means. :3


Viridia: “Nah, its fine. Me and Bertly figured it out. We're kind of a dream team. Tech support and pleasures of the flesh.”

Choro: “Fine, I'll save her. But if she tries to make me dress up like some horse princess, I won't be responsible for my overreaction!”
Doc: “Isn't overreacting part of being a horse princess?”

Strata: “Yeah, a sword's just a sword, until it's an artifact intending to consume the souls of Equestrians.”
Vaughn: “THIS UNIT IS NOT REASSURED.”

Moon: “I've been looking for either a server, or some sort of power source. Instead, I found goats. And one pony.”

Gallade
2017-06-28, 01:12 PM
"To be safe, is the Bard is nursing our mage with a baby bottle full of beer when I come in?"
"Good thing Kobolds don't breastfeed."
"I don't want to hear anything about that for the next few forevers."

"Why do you have a kobold on your lap?"
"It was a mistake. A happy mistake."

"Okay, I'll just roll him up into a blanket burrito and carry him around. We'll take him out when we need him."

"I use spellstrike Spell-stored double Shocking Grasp, and pretty much destroy that mass of tentacles...and it's still alive. Then you come, literally SPIT on him and it DIES!"

Guizonde
2017-06-28, 09:24 PM
*josé and grim, heads overboard, puking their guts out*
monk: grim i can understand, but why the hell is josé seasick?! he's like, part-fish!
josé, between dry heaves: foolish mistake casting "detect evil" in the devil's toilet bowl! *pukes*

dm: so, are you walking or sailing back to riddle-port?
team, minus josé: walking!!
josé: aww, no love for adventures in the devil's toilet bowl?
*grim gets green...er in the face.*
dm: to be fair, you'll be trekking on the devil's toilet seat.
eva: gross!
korinn: good thing josé's the minister of chlorine, then.
josé: with canons, i am the face of the flush! the pope of the potty! the thane of the throne! the leader of the lavatory! the winner of the water-closet! the lord of the loo! the...
dm and team: *evil glare*
josé ooc: commendable effort, but still weaksauce *dodges a saucisson thrown by dm*

dm: no, josé, i don't care what you rolled, you're not trading your beret for a fez!!

korinn: ok, let's be subtle about this *looks at team* nevermind, then.

josé: what's the dc on an evil glare behind a corner?

grim: so, if i hit someone, it's an evil act, but if it's to stop evil, then it becomes a good act right?
monk: *cold-clocks a pickpocket, and loots the unconscious body* blablabla! let's go to the bar!

dm: why the hell is josé speaking arabic with a gypsy accent?!
eva: running gag?
monk: no, that'd be his mom that we don't talk about.

grim: *prays to cayden caillean with a written and role-played speech/prayer combo*
dm: congratulations, you just made a god get a boner, and need a change of underwear. you now have to call him "daddy".
korinn: this got weird fast.
monk: welcome to the table!

Fable Wright
2017-06-29, 01:26 AM
Carter: Oh my god! I actually made that roll! Carter leaps onto the concrete with all the grace of a goldfish flopping on land!

The Batter and Carter being frog marched at gunpoint into a shipping container
Carter: Batter, don't kill them, we just want to talk. Let's go along with this.

Mr. Cook: I'm a baker, the most powerful identity in the game, for I can make erotic pastries!

Carter: Erotic pastries don't work that way.
Mr. Cook: They certainly do! It's a big part of my charging, whacking demon-infested people on the head with erotic pastries and—
Carter: But why would that do anything?!
Mr. Cook: Look, do you want to hear the metaphysical explanation, or do you want to know what they do?
Carter: The metaphysical explanation, please!

GM: Three men come in and point guns at all of you.
Carter: Okay, it'll be fine, let's not hurt any of them. We're right where we want to be.
Thugs: *Grab Carter and drag him out of the shipping container, locking the rest of the party inside*
Rest of party: *panics*

Mr. Cook: Does he have any pictures of loved ones in his wallet?
GM: He's got pictures of his young wife.
Mr. Cook: I take them out and eat them in front of him. Slowly.
The Batter: I whack him on the head with my bat again.
GM: He has no idea what's going on, and just gives you an expression pleading, 'why?'

Tong Leader: Or, you might know nothing, and I still have no reason to keep you alive. I'll be back later.
Thugs: *begin beating Carter to a pulp while he's tied to a chair.*
*later*
GM: The Tong leader returns flanked by two bodyguards, and—
Carter: (unbound, bloody, and sitting patiently on the chair he was handcuffed to) The bodyguards can't move.
*dice rolls*
GM: One of them flops unconscious, and the other one begins wobbling like a top. The Tong leader begins shouting panicked Chinese.
Carter: I tried to be nice. I just wanted to talk. And here we are.

GM: The old man looks at you from within the magical wards, opening his eyes for the first time, and croaks out, "Do you have any heroin?"

The Batter: You two make the best therapists. Carter gives people teddy bears, and Mr. Cook feeds people cake. I wish I had therapists like you.

Tong Leader: You all may leave. But he must stay. *Gestures to Carter*
Carter: *are you serious look*
Tong Leader: We can give you everything you need! Make you stronger, give you magical artifacts, incense!

Mr. Cook: Or he might just be a guy who put on a magical pidgeon mascot head one day. No one knows.
Carter: (Bane Impression) No one cared who I was before I put on the mask!

Mr. Cook: So we have a Magical Larping Real Life Vampire, Back in Mak led by The "Real" Derek Jackson, and He Who Fights Monsters Dot Dot Dot in our hometown.
Carter: And Chicago has the Ferrymen led by Kai Ron, who is a normal guy in a polo most of the time until he gets on a boat; The Chicago Street Rats; The Strong Splinters of the Naked Goddess led by The Lamb In Wolf's Clothing; The Crossroads, led by Gran Torino; The Resurgence, led by the Pidgeon King; and finally the Knights of the Grail, led by Lancelot.
The Batter: This'll be interesting.

Carter: I should make Lord Chompybits.
The Batter: Who?
Carter: *posts image*
The Batter: My god, I'd rather fight Lancelot than that thing! That's not cuddly at all!
Carter: Oh, what, the pony-snake was too cuddly for you, but this is too uncuddly? Make up your mind!

goto124
2017-06-29, 01:28 AM
Strata: “Yeah, a sword's just a sword, until it's an artifact intending to consume the souls of Equestrians.”
Vaughn: “THIS UNIT IS NOT REASSURED.”

It could be worse - the sword might start asking what sort of pizza to get (https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/ee/fa/8c/eefa8c4312be31c4253ec0079960354f.jpg).


*dodges a saucisson thrown by dm*

I'm in for any game where the DM serves saucisson.

Gallade
2017-06-29, 02:26 AM
"All hail Pistacchio Greyscale of the Death Loogie. And by 'all' I mean 'the five of us plus one camel', because we're the only ones who are going to believe that [email protected]#§*, and even then just barely. And we SAW it happen."

Guizonde
2017-06-29, 03:38 AM
I'm in for any game where the DM serves saucisson.

check my sig, it's been the mainstay of all my groups for years. gotta love this country sometimes. you can hate it for being impossible to find a decent english-speaker here, but not for the food... or the wine... this probably explains a lot about why my characters tend to be loony or ax-crazy.

Hairfish
2017-06-29, 05:34 AM
"Don't just stand there, move a bust!"

Gallade
2017-06-29, 07:23 AM
"The General seems slightly past her best years, but despite the few gray hairs she still has the stalwart poise and gaze of a seasoned warrior."
"MILF alert!"
"MILF!"
"Did someone say MILF?"
"...Just to be original, Leona joke."
"...note to self, give her Detect Thoughts next time."

"Well, the concept of my character is this: imagine you hear the sound of a military trumpet out of nowhere. You turn around, and you see a two-feet tall blonde guy, with a bandanna made of bloody pigeon quills around his head, pointing a lance as big as a broomstick at you, charging towards you on the most pissed off cow you've ever seen. Also, he's surrounded by two other ghostly little guys who look eager to smack you with their incorporeal staves. And all the time he's spouting some chivalrous but nonsensical stuff about law and honor and reputation. That's how I see myself in a couple levels."

"Lady Scarlet Bucktapper the Loyal, General of the Armed Forces of Chroma, Chief Royal Guard, Conquerer of the Three Horns and Mistress of the Chariot!"
"Why are you introducing that many people if there's just one woman there?"
"..."
"...oh."

Khaiel
2017-07-01, 06:49 AM
Salvador: Who the heck is that? Wasn't Shelinne dead?
Jorge: Well, yes. This is actually sort of a guardian angel created by my soul and memories of Shelinne. So she is essentially her, watching over me.
Salvador: You and I need to have a talk about coping...

Salvador: Well, I'm a respected High Inquisitor, and the Supreme High Inquisitor considers me his protegeé. So unless they start purging even the highest echelons of the Church, I'm safe.
Lenore: Ain't that Cardinal Maurice being burned at the stake?
Salvador: Yeah... Alongside my hopes...

Supreme High Inquisitor: Let me get this straight... You not only made open use of supernatural powers, leaving all witnesses to live, but did this at a border town during a trade festival. And you let the protegeé of a traitor Cardinal flee the scene...
Salvador: We did stop the demon, and I got its heart for study, since it was still expelling demonic energies.
Supreme High Inquisitor: Where is this demon heart, exactly?
Salvador: In my room.
Supreme High Inquisitor: In your room...
Salvador: Yes.
Supreme High Inquisitor: In your room that has direct access to both the Holy Reliquary and the Archives of the Order...
Lenore: I'll start the fire...

Gallade
2017-07-01, 10:18 AM
Slayer: "Oh dangit! I just realized I'm not proficient with whips!"
Alchemist: "Hang on, I got a formula for that." (Pulls out a potion of Bestow Weapon Proficiency)
Slayer: "Huh, there really is a drug for everything."
Alchemist: "Of course there is. You think your good doctor doesn't know how to make a medicine for whiplash?"

"I know I'm not the best tank, but I'm working on growing an armadillo out of my ulna, that's going to fare me a bit better."

Guizonde
2017-07-01, 10:33 AM
Slayer: "Oh dangit! I just realized I'm not proficient with whips!"
Alchemist: "Hang on, I got a formula for that." (Pulls out a potion of Bestow Weapon Proficiency)
Slayer: "Huh, there really is a drug for everything."
Alchemist: "Of course there is. You think your good doctor doesn't know how to make a medicine for whiplash?"

i groaned when i thought about the apple store: there's an app for that. please tell me the alchemist isn't called steve. awesome pun, though.

Gallade
2017-07-01, 10:59 AM
i groaned when i thought about the apple store: there's an app for that. please tell me the alchemist isn't called steve. awesome pun, though.

Nope, but he's named Root. So there is a programming pun in there, just a bit deeper.

Champion Pickle
2017-07-01, 12:08 PM
"Interdimensional skeleton politics scare me."

"I mean, that's pretty big. But is it 41st millennium big?"

"The disco king is the strongest, but mostly just 'cause he controls the biggest infinity."

"Grumbling through his grinding teeth, nearly vibrating with barely restrained fury at the borderline heresy around him, the priest says "Grand slamwich, please.""

GAAD
2017-07-01, 03:27 PM
Sam: "Grab some furniture to cover the trapdoor! We need to stem the tide of raptor turtles!"
Olga: "Right. I toss a chair down the hole."

Me: "Please stop using my own traps against me."
Sam: Stop making them so easy to exploit!"

Drek: "I inscribe that booby trap circle from earlier on a couple of pebbles, and expend the ritual ingredients you told me about when I rolled a twenty."
Me: "Okay..."
Drek: "I now have a dozen landmines."

Olga: "Quickly! Let's all run into the secret room! There's no doorknob inside, so we should be safe!"
Sam: *facepalm*

Drek: "If I want someone to travel with the party, I want a FRIEND, not someone I'm worried about stabbing me in the back!"
Olga: "What's the difference"

Drek: "What else do you have, devil?"
Cheezleblub: "Well, my friend does have this fiddle made of gold..."
Sam: "DEVIL'S IN THE HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN!"

Sam: "We just won the adventure... by tossing a chair down a hole full of murderous turtles, collecting poop, beetles, pebbles, and rope, and extorting a devil. I LOVE this game."

goto124
2017-07-02, 10:43 AM
"Lady Scarlet Bucktapper

Is she a pony?

Gallade
2017-07-02, 10:54 AM
Is she a pony?

Nope, she comes from a family of leatherworkers. Buck-tappers. As in, they hammer (tap) animal hides (bucks) to fit them into shape.

I'm all about the fine details.

ZeroGear
2017-07-02, 09:28 PM
Buster: "I ain't goin' in there!"
Nyfe: "And why not?"
Buster: "That's a ninja house! Ninjas got it out for me!"

Nyfe: "Be careful everyone, this place is most likely trapped."
Wyzz: *accidentally steps on a trigger* "...ops."
*left wall slides down, right wall ejects Nyfe, Wyzz, and Sypher form the corridor*
Buster: "F***ing ninja house!"

Dealer: As you regain consciousness, you find yourself alone in the middle of a maze-like garden.
Nyfe: "Great, how could this get any worse?" *notices Dealer's expression* Why are you smiling?
Dealer: As you ponder your situation aloud, you hear a growl. Judging form the sound, you're pretty sure that whatever made it is rather large, and also right behind you.
Nyfe: "...s***."

Dealer: ...] also, there are two ropes hanging in the middle of the room.
Rivit: I go up and pull one!
Buster: "No Wait!"
Dealer: Which one?
Rivit: Uh, the one on the left?
Dealer: *checks notes* As you pull the rope, a long rod of bamboo shoots up from the floor and wedges itself in Buster's [rear].
Buster: "F***ING NINJA HOUSE!"

Dealer: I've got good news, bad news, and a consolation. The good news is that [Nyfe] manage(s) to dive right though the hole in the planks. The bad news is that you get stuck half way though. The consolation is that your teammates are right in front of you.
Sypher: "What's going on?"
Nyfe: "IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!"
Sypher: "Huh?" *sees giant monster though the planks* "Oh."

DigoDragon
2017-07-03, 08:50 AM
Nope, she comes from a family of leatherworkers. Buck-tappers. As in, they hammer (tap) animal hides (bucks) to fit them into shape.

I'm all about the fine details.

Nice creativity! That's not something I would have guessed.


GM: “Moonshadow wants a mansion, Choro wants a wizard's laboratory, while Viridia would just need a pit full of mares.”
Moon: “What mansion is complete without a pit full of mares?”

Moon: “Hi I'm Moonshadow. I'm not a psychotic unicorn, insane cultist, or secretly a breezie. Vote for me!”
Viridia: “When they said ‘You're in bed with the mayor’...”
Livewire: “Everyone in this town has to contribute to the town as a whole if it's going to survive. I mean, I already planted a bomb on Sari's boat! Wildcard, b**ches, yeah!” (*Cue explosions*)
Choro: *votes for Livewire*
Doc: “Livewire needs to stop watching Michael Bray movies.”

GM: “Oh hey, what’s that beeping sound?”
Doc: “Eep! That's not factory standard!”
Improvised Landmine: *Detonates!*

Doc: “Cough. Well someone didn't want me... mining their business. Guess the way's clear now.”

goto124
2017-07-04, 01:33 PM
Livewire: “I mean, I already planted a bomb on Sari's boat! Wildcard, b**ches, yeah!” (*Cue explosions*)

GM: “Oh hey, what’s that beeping sound?”
Doc: “Eep! That's not factory standard!”
Improvised Landmine: *Detonates!*


Any relation?


Dealer: ...] also, there are two ropes hanging in the middle of the room.
Rivit: I go up and pull one!
Buster: "No Wait!"
Dealer: Which one?
Rivit: Uh, the one on the left?

What does the right one do? One may never know.

Gallade
2017-07-05, 03:09 AM
"Ow! You literal son of a mechanical, saw-toothed, music-activated three-headed fire-spouting metal-assed [email protected]#§h!"

"I pour one out from my veggie smoothie on his corpse. Cheers, you thieving, lying, egotistical, rat-duping, gold-hogging, priest-shaming 'paladin'. I'd pray for your soul to reach hell, but seems your goddess is already taking care of that."

"I can use an animal disguise kit to disguise an animal as another animal."
"So, if I transform into a panther, can you make me look like a rat?"
"Yeah, but a rat is much smaller than you, you'll be easy to see through."
"Ah well, disguise me as a dire rat instead."
"A vigilante disguised as a panther disguised as a dire rat?"
"All part of my job."

"Your plan to put another hole in the castle's master seems a bit iffy."
"You got a better plan?"
(Shows a frag grenade) "Put more holes into him. A loooooot more holes."

DigoDragon
2017-07-05, 06:27 AM
Any relation?

Dear Luna, I hope not. Livewire had a crush on Doc and I don't want to learn this is her way of expressing it. :smallbiggrin:


Viridia: “What was the kaboom? I heard an earth-shattering kaboom!”
Doc: “That was just me. Somepony rigged an improvised bomb to keep everyone out of this room and I disabled it the easy way.”
Stellar: “I don't believe I'm saying this, but can we try the hard way next time?”
Doc: “I reckon I could, as long as diffusing a bomb is like an appendectomy.”

GM: “Hugging Strata was sort of like hugging a balloon filled with cold mud.”

Viridia: “Yeah, but my magic only makes blood run to their genitals. Rather than all over all the things.”

Doc: “Between Doc's PER 7 and Stellar's PER 4 we should see them 110% of the time.”

Joe the Rat
2017-07-05, 12:09 PM
Doc: “Between Doc's PER 7 and Stellar's PER 4 we should see them 110% of the time.”
That's... probability does not work that way!


A Surprisingly Light Session

FairyHalfling: The Far Rook is not happy with what you did to me!
NecroGnome: I didn't do it! It was supposed to be a morning-after potion!
FairyHalfling: You're the one that screwed it up!
NecroGnome: ...er, what did it do? (I want to do a thorough medical check.)
DM: You realize you'd need to touch her to do that.
NecroGnome: Nevermind.


DM: You make your way to the appointed dock, and catch sight of your ride, The Gangrel. You are greeted by this man (Jack Sparrow.gif)
DuelistDude: Can we get a different captain?


ElfKnight: So we can go to "A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villiany," or we can go to "Someplace Even Worse, Which Also Has A Medusa"
FairyHalfling: Or we could row in on the North shore here, near this gap in the mountains, and avoid all the plot hooks.


MonkeyMonk: Let's tie a rope to Necro, then throw him overboard. It's not like he needs to breathe.
DM: The last time you used him for trolling, you actually caught trolls.


DM: Searching the creature's stomach, you find several coins, a couple of large quartz stones... and a wheel of cheese.

Gallade
2017-07-05, 12:39 PM
"You won't believe it even if I tell you, but I basically embarassed this deer to death. Sooo...which cut?"

"You underestimate the power of my dentures!"

"You are, like, the worst moonshiner ever. But it's ok, I didn't need that stomach mucous anyway."

"I thought we had to get engaged in a mafia war, we got stuck hiking to save your sister from the dragon porn industry instead."

"We'll be riding in three on the same camel, uphill. I'm so getting a ticket for this."

"A swarm of shrews? Eh...we gotta let them pass. They got right of way."

Inevitability
2017-07-05, 01:51 PM
Paladin: I use the dwarf as a battering ram!

Warlock: I demand you immediately return this poor guard to life!
Necromancer: Don't worry, I guarantee he'll be moving again in a few minutes.

Cleric: Basically, my character concept is 'creepy guy who murders people and sucks blood'.
Necromancer: Silly me, thinking the fact that we'd finally gotten a cleric meant I could start to expect healing now.

Gallade
2017-07-06, 04:17 AM
"This is boo-ring! Don't we have a radio on this piece of junk?"
"We got a phonograph. And only one LP for it."
"What is it?"
"Faccetta Nera."
"...crank that [email protected]#t up."

(20 minutes later)

"Okay, something tells me the fact those beduins are shooting us on sight has something to do with our taste in music."

"Ave, Frate"
"What did he just say?"
"It's Latin for 'greetings, brother'"
"Ah, I see, it's informal. Ave right back at ya, bro!"

DigoDragon
2017-07-06, 07:21 AM
That's... probability does not work that way!

:smallbiggrin:



"You are, like, the worst moonshiner ever. But it's ok, I didn't need that stomach mucous anyway."

With a good mechanic you might have a decent substitute for aviation fuel. ;)



Paladin: I use the dwarf as a battering ram!

This must have been the same line that led to the He-Man character, Ram Man.



"Okay, something tells me the fact those beduins are shooting us on sight has something to do with our taste in music."

Good possibility, yeah.


Doc: “My theory is that this lab might be where they invent flavoring for their products.”
GM: “The places where where meat quality is tested and where R&D is located are, hopefully, two different places.”
Doc: “I dunno about that. It sounds like there's something really interesting in the basement.”
GM: “There's always something in the basement. If someone says there is nothing in their basement that just means that their closest isn't big enough for all the corpses.”
Doc: “Granted that, yes, there will always be something in the basement, including a few ‘skeletons’. However, we have two sources talking about those skeletons in unpleasant ways that make it sound like not all those bodies stopped wiggling.”

Choro: “WHOOO! Doc just crit’d Survival! Does that mean we find the Holy Grail?”

Thanatos: (*gives Moonshadow an apple*) “A suggestion; if you have not ate anything recently, do so. This place plays tricks with the mind.”
Moon: “Like a strange stallion appearing in the middle of a very hostile factory with no apparent help, and offering me food?”

Doc: “I could probably cut bone with this thing. With the booze I think I got an amputation kit now.”
Stellar: “I hope that never becomes necessary. At least I'm reasonably sure you could put us back together again if you had to take a limb off, but I'd rather not have to put it to the test!”

Diego Havoc
2017-07-06, 04:37 PM
Madeline: I'm a lean, mean, bureaucracy machine!

Kula: We're going to fly out of the gate to Hell on the back of a storm dragon with several demons in tow.
Yukari: It will be the most metal thing ever!

Yukari: The Oni Emperor has been defeated by salami.

Kula: Kula see why they no like gods here: They all whiny!

GM: Also there is Hyakko's Wife, who is terrible.
Kula: Is that her full name? Hyakko's Wife Who Is Terrible?
GM: I'll say that her name translates as "The Terrible", so yes.

Yukari: Bullets! My one weakness!

Madeline: Librarians! My one weakness!

Yukari: Look, they don't teach maths in demon school! They teach you how to murder people!

Gallade
2017-07-07, 08:08 AM
"It's never too late to start thinking of breaking through walls and blowing everything up as plan...Z, at most."
"It's bad enough that plans A through X got busted already, though."

Guizonde
2017-07-07, 08:53 AM
"It's never too late to start thinking of breaking through walls and blowing everything up as plan...Z, at most."
"It's bad enough that plans A through X got busted already, though."

welp, there goes escape plans a and b... also stealth plan c, and distraction plan a...

... we're not exactly subtle. unless anti-tank mines and flamethrowers count as subtle aid for a bank robbery.

Inevitability
2017-07-08, 03:45 PM
"I will have sex with the fire!"
"Briefly, I assume?"

bulbaquil
2017-07-08, 09:51 PM
P2: "What did the headdress do?"
GM: "What, the Indian headdress?"
P3: "Be offensive?"

P1: (in mock-desperation) "Help! We're divvying out loot."
P3: "We're stuck in loot purgatory."
P2: "We're in an endless loot."

P3: "Hey, [P6], want an adamantine earthbreaker?"
P6: "I'm a shaman."

P1: "We'd have to disassemble you, and I don't think any of us have Craft (carpentry)."
P3: "I have Craft (carpentry)."
P1: "Yes, but you'd be disassembled."

P3: "Who are you?"
P6: "..." (makes hand gesture)
P3: "Who are you?"
P6: "I am me."
P3: "Hello, me."

goto124
2017-07-09, 07:58 AM
Viridia: “What was the kaboom? I heard an earth-shattering kaboom!”
Doc: “That was just me. Somepony rigged an improvised bomb to keep everyone out of this room and I disabled it the easy way.”

Does no one in the party have Disarm Bomb? That's like going into a dungeon without a lockpicker!


Cleric: Basically, my character concept is 'creepy guy who murders people and sucks blood'.
Necromancer: Silly me, thinking the fact that we'd finally gotten a cleric meant I could start to expect healing now.

I know a party where the necromancer is more of a healer than the cleric.


Thanatos: (*gives Moonshadow an apple*) “A suggestion; if you have not ate anything recently, do so. This place plays tricks with the mind.”
Moon: “Like a strange stallion appearing in the middle of a very hostile factory with no apparent help, and offering me food?”

An apple, even? Totally not suspicious at all! (http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/disney/images/9/9b/Snow_White_the_Witch_and_the_apple.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20110803202453)

DigoDragon
2017-07-09, 08:31 AM
Does no one in the party have Disarm Bomb? That's like going into a dungeon without a lockpicker!

Our rogue, Moonshadow, is split off from the party elsewhere. Doc has been picking locks by either applied force or shooting them. :smallbiggrin:


Digo: "They're both professional chefs. So they saved a ton of money and we still felt like we made love to a casserole dish."

GM: "Nick, I need an initiative from Eddie."
Digo: "22!"
Nick: "I didn't roll yet."
Digo: "Anticipating your die's whim, sir."

GM: "Do you all remember way back, to those gorillas that gave you such trouble?"
Digo: "Oh god, it's the sequel no one asked for."
GM: "This is Battle for the Planet of the Apes!"

GM: "What is Armond going to do?"
Digo: "Those gorillas over there are in a nice Fireball formation."
Mel: "Aren't you worried about setting the forest on fire?"
Digo: "I'm about to get pummeled by Donkey Kong, the forest can go buck itself."

GM: "And William takes a javelin to the chest."
Mel: "He's a Gemini?"
William: "Ow. Message for you, sir."

Mel: "Pardon me while I... whip this out."
Gorillas: *GASP*
Donkey Kong: "Not in front of the children!!"
Nick: "Well that's not nice. Chris is at least 45."

Nick: "Gorilla #5 looks like a zebra."
Digo: "Those are grill marks."

Narrator: "William, that was the most heroic thing I have ever seen!"
Narrator: "William is about to die."
Nick: "Quick, throw a ham at him!"

GM: "Armond will fan the hammer."
Mel: "Must be nice not worrying about ammo."
GM: "Well it depends. He actually gets just 50 rounds per day, so on a long encounter..."
Nick: "On the other hand, he's shooting 50 people a day! Wow!"

GM: "He was so excited to fire his photon torpedo that he forgot to raise shields."
Digo: "Thanks, Kirk."

GM: "Digo can now brag that his wife's chest took out a gorilla."

Digo: "Armond is flanked by gorilla fists. His best course of action is to cast Grease on himself and shut his eyes."

Nick: "I slapped that monkey so hard, the monkey turned to Mel and said 'let that be a lesson to you.'"

GM: "I corrected myself! Back up your 30, wench."
Digo: "That's not my wench, that's my wife."
Nick: "Shut up, Carol Vane."

GM: Oh come on! It's just one injured gorilla!"
Nick: "It's not a gorilla, it's a one-monkey-dope-slappin'-bugger-machine!"

GM: "There are two reasons why I go to Olive Garden. One, their breadsticks--"
Nick: "Two, they're not owned by the mob."

GM: "I'm pretty convinced that it isn't nuclear weapons that doomed mankind, it's deep fryers."

Nick: "They have a 50mm sniper rifle."
GM: "Okay, but I have no reason to snipe someone in Miami from here."

Armond: "I'll pay you 200gp to use the healing staff on me."
Mel: "I'm not going to charge you for healing."
Digo: "Psst, ask for a 50gp donation towards weapons upgrades."
Mel: "Sheesh, Deeg. Since when did you become so mercenary?"
Digo: "It must me my rogue level talking."

Nick: "What's your cutie mark?"
Freya: "My name."
Digo: "So why is it swollen?"

GM: "Well that horse is another casualty."
Mel: "You know--give up. TPK."
Nick: "What, total pony kill?"

Guizonde
2017-07-09, 08:59 AM
[SPOILER=Response!]

Nick: "They have a 50mm sniper rifle."
GM: "Okay, but I have no reason to snipe someone in Miami from here."


unless you meant "cal" instead of "mm", to quote daffy duck: "big bullet".

(for reference, a .50 caliber bullet has a diameter of 12.7mm, or in imperial units, that 50mm bullet is 2in wide.)

... does that sniper rifle come in hot pink? it's for a friend. i swear.

goto124
2017-07-09, 10:48 AM
Our rogue, Moonshadow, is split off from the party elsewhere. Doc has been picking locks by either applied force or shooting them. :smallbiggrin:

Never split the party!


GM: "Armond will fan the hammer."
Mel: "Must be nice not worrying about ammo."
GM: "Well it depends. He actually gets just 50 rounds per day, so on a long encounter..."
Nick: "On the other hand, he's shooting 50 people a day! Wow!"


What if he misses or fails to kill someone with a round? He'll be short!

Gallade
2017-07-09, 11:55 AM
"Let's not get too dramatic here."
"Says the one who's always listening to Crawling."
"Hey, I'm past that stuff. I'm listening to In the End right now!"

DigoDragon
2017-07-09, 01:27 PM
unless you meant "cal" instead of "mm", to quote daffy duck: "big bullet".

Well, it *is* a no context thing. :smallbiggrin:



... does that sniper rifle come in hot pink? it's for a friend. i swear.

I have seen a hot-pink sniper rifle in picturtes, so I'm going to say yes.



What if he misses or fails to kill someone with a round? He'll be short!

He was short to begin with. The dude barely taller than my character and I'm the human Belkar of the group. :smalltongue:


GM: "The lions finish their surprise round."
Digo: "They're lions?"
GM: "Yes."
Digo: "African or European?"
GM: "Dire."
Nick: "Think Metro Goldwyn Mayer."
Digo: "Ah. That is dire."

GM: "Eddie is a 42-Mule. He's half-warhorse."
Nick: "Yeah, but the rest of him is half-assed."

Cringer: "I'm gonna bite this fire elemental!"

Mel: "It's not just a lion, it's a lion on fire biting a fire elemental and catching more fire."
William: "Well I'm glad y'all dragged me off the farm to see this."

GM: "Roll for your companion, Freya, to stabilize. You need a 19 or 20 or she dies."
Mel: "Use your Advantage ability, Deeg."
Digo: "Already on it!" *Rolls 2d20*
Die 1: *18*
Die 2: *18*
Digo: "I think the universe just gave me the biggest middle finger possible."

GM: "Eddie is the mule version of William."
Mel: *Maxes out her healing spell on Eddie*
Digo: "What, do you heal better under sleep dep?"
GM: "Geez, this fight. We got a flaming lion, the mule knows kung-fu, the horse is transforming by divine blessing..."
Mel: "And a runaway mage who used Expeditious Retreat literally."

Chris: "I have Boots of Escaping! I have Boots of Escaping!"

Mel: "Well Eddie is gone."
Nick: "Hmm. It was nice knowing you."
Digo: "Did you just look at your burger longingly?"

Gallade
2017-07-09, 02:10 PM
"The paladin gives you a what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-your-companions stare"
"And I reply with a they-got-a-lot-of-issues glance."

TurboGhast
2017-07-09, 10:44 PM
Viet: Why is this guy marked as a poser?

DM: Ariaothulan lives on a mountainous island to the northwest of Kanu.
Later...
DM: Ariaolthulan's private island is to the northwest, I misread my own map.


DM: The unknown figures are approaching Kanu.
Viet: What's Kanu.
DM: You live there.


Eputki: I'm going to go on a quest for purification.
DM: Eputki dashes north.
Viet: Perfect time for an opportunity attack!

I'm kidding








Viet: Wait, Eputki's sword still has the curse on it.

ZeroGear
2017-07-09, 10:55 PM
"I will have sex with the fire!"
"Briefly, I assume?"




Cringer: "I'm gonna bite this fire elemental!"


I sense a pattern here.


Buster: *punches frozen carrot through back of minion's skull* "Eat your vegetables."

Buster: "Name one manly guy that actually pulled this plan off!"
Nyfe: "Thor."
Wyzz: "Joseph Jostar."
Rivit: "Could Strife."
Buster: "...I hate you all."

Mell the mob boss: "It is so hard to decide, so here's what we'll do: you shall all fight in a tournament and I shall make love to the victor!"

Rivit: "That's not a woman! That's godzilla with bangs!"

Mell: "Now, you all die while I go ravish your friend."
Rivit: "You know that [Sypher]'s an android, right?"
Mell: "...I don't mind."

Rivit: "Did you just hack a giant robot? With magic?"
Wyzz: "Yep."

Buster: "It's not a party until something blows up, preferably because of me."

goto124
2017-07-10, 05:09 AM
He was short to begin with. The dude barely taller than my character and I'm the human Belkar of the group. :smalltongue:

Hey, don't change the subject! :P


Mel: "It's not just a lion, it's a lion on fire biting a fire elemental and catching more fire."

I think I saw that in a playthrough of BotW last week.

Tentacle monster appears.
PC1: I'm the one wearing a chainmail bikini!
PC2: I'm the one with the bondage theme!

Joe the Rat
2017-07-10, 11:53 AM
Doldrums

ElfKnight: Okay, I'm going to flip the wand to the "Advanced" setting.
DM: The various gems start blinking as the wand gives off an audible whirring sound. Roll a d10,000.
Party: (Ducks)

ElfKnight: I aim the wand at the water (clatter).
DM: You read the ocean's thoughts: Cold, uncaring, constant, and the urge to wash everything down into the depths. Take 5 points of ennui damage.

FairyHalfling: Or maybe I should call Maryann. She could send birds fly into the sails.
DM:Oh yes. "Squawk! thumpthumpthump thumpthump! Splat." Covering the ship in stunned birds couldn't possibly go badly.

DM: The glowing purple magical waters push the ship forward. You can see what appears to be fish reflecting in the light.
NecroGnome: I'm gonna go fishing.

DM: You feel a tug on the line, and a large shadow rises through the water
NecroGnome: Alright, I caught a big one! Reel it in! Reel it in!
DM: A large lobster-like creature breaks the surface, water oozily dripping from the mass of tentacles that makes up it's face. Your fishing line is wrapped around one claw.
NecroGnome: Throw it back! Throw it back!

FairyHalfling: I blast the crab-thing off the front of the boat.
DM: The blasts hit the creature, launching it backwards 20'
NecroGnome: Did I ever let go of the line?
DM:... Athletics check.
NecroGnome: Ha! This should be easy with my giant's belt. (Nat 1). Sonofa-whaaaaa!

DM: Your axeblow releases a wave of necrotic energy, causing the crustacean to explode in a shower of dark goo. You and MonkeyMonk reek like a bad fish market, or a good oyster stew.

NecroGnome: I'm gonna go fishing again!
FairyHalfling: I'm going to tie him to the mast with his fishing line.

Gallade
2017-07-10, 03:16 PM
"Our first paladin is in his underwear and being dragged towards his funereal pyre by our second paladin. Is that some brocode thing?"

"Watch out! I'll use this frag grenade to break them out of their trance!"

"Does he have any weapons?"
"He has a walking stick."
"NUKE HIM!"

DigoDragon
2017-07-10, 04:55 PM
"Let's not get too dramatic here."

Well someone is overly optimistic. :smallbiggrin:



"And I reply with a they-got-a-lot-of-issues glance."

haha, I need to remember this one.



DM: The unknown figures are approaching Kanu.
Viet: What's Kanu.
DM: You live there.

No sense of direction. O.o



I sense a pattern here.

Fire is just too good a first-round solution for life's problems. Its easy to acquire and use! Fun for the whole party!

Batteries sold separately.



Buster: "Name one manly guy that actually pulled this plan off!"
Rivit: "Could Strife."

Low standards? :smallamused:



DM: The various gems start blinking as the wand gives off an audible whirring sound. Roll a d10,000.
Party: (Ducks)

RUN!! :smalleek:



"Does he have any weapons?"
"He has a walking stick."
"NUKE HIM!"

Hahahaha, good call. XD


Nick: "Digo, take one for the team, I have to go save my ass."

Digo: "If your Shield of Faith stays up for more than four hours--"
GM: "You probably worship Aphrodite."

Nick: "look out, he's farting squirrels!"

Mel: "Chris can cast Ray of Enfeeblement on it."
GM: "Yes, but he'll be at -4 for shooting into melee."
Nick: "I thought it was +4 for shooting himself with it."
Chris: "Why isn't it having an effect?"

GM: "And now Deeg can say that his wife's chest cannon-balled a lion's head."

GM: "One moment, major monkeywrench in the works."
Mel: "I'll say. She went from horse to human."
Digo: "How is that so bad?"
Nick: "Monkeywrench, meet wife. Wife, meet monkeywrench."

Digo: "Ooooh, so could have gotten a snake."
GM: "Are you looking for a minion or an exotic dancer?"
Nick, Digo, Chris, Eddie, & William: "Yes."

Gold Dragon: "You are under the effect of Prayer. That grants you +1 to all attacks, damage, skill checks--"
Digo: "Mmm, skillet checks."
Nick: *Gibbs-slaps Digo*
Mel: "So basically +1 to all rolls."
Digo: "Mmm, +1 dinner rolls."
Nick: *Gibbs-slaps Digo*

GM: "Everyone roll Survival."
Nick: "7."
William: "6."
Mel: "4."
Digo: "Weesa gonna die." [/JarJar]

Gallade
2017-07-10, 06:12 PM
"Got anything else up your bag of tricks?"
"Let's see...iron maiden...animal shoes...bloody facepaint...portable blimp...portable explosive blimp...pellet grenade...acid slime..."
"Stop taking all that stuff out, I just want you to bust a lock!"
"Yeah, but the problem is you want me to do that WITHOUT the door blowing up"

"The idea of tripping giraffe up is entertaining."

Zeus Killer
2017-07-11, 03:48 PM
"Watch out! I'll use this frag grenade to break them out of their trance!"

"Does he have any weapons?"
"He has a walking stick."
"NUKE HIM!"

Because nothing says breaking mind control quite like the message "You were killed by a grenade. Watch out for the Grenade danger indicator."

Unless said walking stick is also a shotgun, I'd say that is a bit overkill.

Guizonde
2017-07-11, 04:19 PM
Because nothing says breaking mind control quite like the message "You were killed by a grenade. Watch out for the Grenade danger indicator."

Unless said walking stick is also a shotgun, I'd say that is a bit overkill.

to be fair, there's no kill like overkill. and nowhere was it specified how subtle a response was appropriate. technically, you can break mind control with a fragger. you usually tend to break the mind and body that is currently controlled, but details, details...

coming from irl of all places:

trollball coach: crud, the gate's locked..
me: anybody got a crowbar?
*shocked look from teammates* what for?!
me: i'm crap at picking locks with hairpins.
coach: we could just get the fieldkeeper, you know?
teammate: or you know, we could just climb the gate.
me: but that's mundane and boring!
coach: and slightly less illegal than breaking the door!
me: ... thy point being?

DigoDragon
2017-07-11, 07:51 PM
Nick: "Congrats, you earned your merit badge."
Digo: "Did you just say marriage badge?"

GM: "Freya is in that group?"
Digo: "Yeah, my choices were to put her with the fop, the gun-slinging fatty, or the lech."
Nick: "Hey! I might take offence to that."
Digo: "But you won't."

Mel: "Meanwhile, I gotta pee."
GM: "In the bathroom?"
Mel: "No, right here. Roll initiative."

Digo: "I'm about to become a DLT--Digo, Lettuce, & Tomato."
GM: "Hey, you ****-blocked my monster!"
Digo: "It's eating me, what did you expect?!"

Nick: "MightyFist to RangerOne, MightFist to RangerOne. Incoming earth elemental. Duck! ...over."

Digo: (*slowly cutting out of the landwyrm's stomach*) "It's a long way to Tipperary, It's a long way to go..."
Nick: (*punches through the stomach from the outside*) "Drink this!"
Digo: *gets a potion?*

Martin Greywolf
2017-07-12, 03:11 AM
Kyuubi: This photograph is…
Naruto: What, biased against you?
Kyuubi: Well, yes.

Hiruzen: Naruto, why are you traumatazing my dog?
Naruto: I’m just asserting dominance!

Naruto: …and then she blackmailed me into a relationship!
Saki: I did not blackmail you!
Naruto: Well, I suppose it was more of an extortion…

Rock Lee: [hanging from a tree branch wrapped in chains] I’m a pretty butterfly!
Naruto: …whatever floats your boat, buddy.

Kiba: Hey, Naruto, can you get me to Fuu’s bush?
Naruto: Pardon me?

Naruto: And so shall begin… The Spandexocalypse!

Naruto: So, now you know that we’re together, and you also know that you can’t tease us about it for security reasons.
Anko: …I hate you so much right now.

Saki: Wait, how did you get street vendor food at 2 in the morning?
Naruto: The magic of time zones! And teleporting!

Tsunade: Wait, so you got Sasuke his Mangekyo Sharingan by pranking him?

Tsume: So, you somehow rubbed catnip all over Neji…
Naruto: He liked the cats!
Tsume: …unleashed a horde of cats into a party full of dogs…
Naruto: To be fair, that was Neji and his catnip.
Tsume: …and somehow managed to cover Hiashi in invisible glitter.
Naruto: *Temporarily* invisible glitter. The illusion should wear off any moment now.
Tsume: …hell of a party.

Gallade
2017-07-12, 05:15 AM
"So now you have a 5-inch Ent on your shoulder flinging grenades. That'll come in very handy if we come across a 3-inch Saruman."
"I am Kroot."

"The head bone's connected to the rib bone, the rib bone's connected to the arm bone, the arm bone is connected to an abominable sin against nature who has no right to be that cute."

"You cloned that green thing from yourself?"
"My hand bone to be exact. If you tell him the fourteen passwords he'll give you the power to create heaven."
"No way I'll let any part of your body take me to heaven."

"It's like TWD out there"
"Well, they're not really dead, and not undead either. They're just living puppets who are being controlled by the parasite, helpless to do anything but watch as they infect or maim their loved ones until you come to release them from their predicament by killing them. Or until they catch fire and the parasite bursts out while pulping their internal organs."
"Okay, but...can I still look like Rick? I got the right jawline and stubble, dammit!"

"It's a Mask of Cutting Flesh, an item worn by worshipers of Zon-Kuthon. It looks menacing and draconic, but it can magically disguise itself as an incospicuous hood at will. It will make you more resilient to physical ailments like poisons, and a worshiper of the evil god can use it to call upon an invisible blade to tear apart its enemies."
"As a character, I say it's horrible. As a player, I say it's horribly awesome."

Diego Havoc
2017-07-12, 05:16 PM
Max: Most Stylish Man in the World, my ***.

Ms. Steel: I have acquired slutty outfits for you.

Bruce: I'm a big fan.
Singer: Um...
Ms. Steel: Remind me what Bruce looks like again?
Bruce: Big ****er. In his 40s. Wearing a trenchcoat.
Ms. Steel: Oh god. Serial killer vibes!

Bruce: I take off my, uh, trenchcoat.
Yukari: I thought you were going to say 'clothes' for a second there!
Bruce: That's how you get a proper investigation started!

Ms. Steel: Be careful of his briefcase, it might contain traps or animals or something.
GM: Oh god, it's full of bees!

Ms. Steel: You haven't heard our plan yet!
GM: Yes?
Ms. Steel: We're going to bomb it!
GM: You're going to bomb the hotel?
Ms. Steel: We'll radio in Starban and he'll use his ship to blast it.
GM: Starban vetoes this plan.
Ms. Steel: Damn. Okay, I guess we'll sneak in.

goto124
2017-07-13, 03:24 AM
Nick: "Congrats, you earned your merit badge."
Digo: "Did you just say marriage badge?"

Mel: "Meanwhile, I gotta pee."
GM: "In the bathroom?"
Mel: "No, right here. Roll initiative."

I can never remember if a game is RL, PbP, or otherwise...

DigoDragon
2017-07-13, 07:26 AM
I can never remember if a game is RL, PbP, or otherwise...

That particular game is from my local weekend D&D group.


GM: “There was a distinct lack of evil-looking papers, computer equipment, or anything with a creepy mascot on it.”

Viridia: “Why do we keep finding diamonds in abandoned buildings?”
Strata: “They're pretty good paperweights.”

Viridia: “Guys. If I pumped a bunch of lightning into a robot, would it become my minion?”
Bertly: *ever so slowly, hovers away from Viridia until he was pretty much hiding behind Stellar*

GM: “Moonshadow, as she moved forward, heard something clang above her.”
Piccolo: “DODGE!!”

Doc: “Geez, that's a lot of doors. How do you want to search this area?”
Choro: *magically opens all the doors at once* “Efficiently.”

Viridia: “Why can't we go somewhere nice?”
Moon: “I seem to remember a map that explained this. It had a lot of jerks (http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/digoraccoon/426506/45829/45829_original.png) on it.”

goto124
2017-07-13, 07:57 AM
That particular game is from my local weekend D&D group.

Ah, thank you!


Viridia: “Why do we keep finding diamonds in abandoned buildings?”
Strata: “They're pretty good paperweights.”

They make delicious food, silly! (http://www.awkwardzombie.com/index.php?page=0&comic=022607)


Viridia: “Why can't we go somewhere nice?”
Moon: “I seem to remember a map that explained this. It had a lot of jerks (http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/digoraccoon/426506/45829/45829_original.png) on it.”

I remember that map! It was amazing. Where are the PCs now? What's the journey that the PCs have taken so far?

I only just realized it's hosted on LiveJournal. Didn't think that website's still alive and kicking.

I see a spot labelled "FFFF". Maybe it's jerk-free?

Gallade
2017-07-13, 02:57 PM
"To expand my choice of monsters I can transform you into I'll need DNA from monstrous homanoids. We'll have to take some from any we encounter."
"Roger, I'll start taking their heads with me every time."
"Er...no need for that, you can just pick a strip of skin, a few drops of blood, a tuft of hair..."
"Shh...you do your science, I do mine."

Diego Havoc
2017-07-13, 03:17 PM
I see a spot labelled "FFFF". Maybe it's jerk-free?
FFFF: F-ing Field Full of F-ing-Jerks?

Inspector Valin
2017-07-13, 03:57 PM
I remember that map! It was amazing. Where are the PCs now?

Ironically, a beef jerky factory ^^

goto124
2017-07-13, 08:58 PM
Ironically, a beef jerky factory ^^

I know, I mean "where on the map is that?"

... I just noticed the pun.

Inspector Valin
2017-07-14, 03:17 AM
I know, I mean "where on the map is that?"

... I just noticed the pun.

:smalltongue: That was the main reason I commented!

Well, we've mostly been in the eastern area. Just left the Jerk General Hospital. Before I joined they were moving between Jerkside, Jerkville and the unlabled Jerk Town. I'm not sure if we headed east or west from the hospital, in which case we'd be between Jerk 84, Ministry of Jerks and the lower pink Jerks, or west. In which case we'd sortabe somewhere on the lakefront.

Gallade
2017-07-14, 07:38 AM
"Let me guess, this 'desert candy' I just ate is something horrible like caramelized scarab larvae, isn't it?"
"Weeeell...not really. They're actually pupae."

DigoDragon
2017-07-14, 07:57 AM
Well, we've mostly been in the eastern area. Just left the Jerk General Hospital. Before I joined they were moving between Jerkside, Jerkville and the unlabled Jerk Town. I'm not sure if we headed east or west from the hospital, in which case we'd be between Jerk 84, Ministry of Jerks and the lower pink Jerks, or west. In which case we'd sortabe somewhere on the lakefront.

We went east, toward the lake.


Choro: “Vindication! The Great Dichoro isn't quite as crazy and out there as I'd previously thought!”
Doc: “You know, you can be right and still be crazy.”

Stellar: “Sorry guys, finding it really hard to keep up at the moment.”
Viridia: “There's a pill for that.”

Moon: “I'd complain that Moonshadow still epically fails 10% on the time with Perception, despite having a maxed out score, but honestly that explains a lot about the show.”
Doc: “On the bright side, Moon's failures are a lot softer. She crit-fails a Perception check and only face-plants into a cabinet. Doc misses his Perception by 1 and the hallway explodes.”

Doc: “I think if Bertly got a synth pony body, he might look like this (http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3mbw2qWLg1qd2g3i.png).”
Viridia: “No painted-on tits. 0/10.”
Doc: “Sorry Bertly. You heard the mare.”
Bertly: “The things I put up with (http://orig03.deviantart.net/d1dc/f/2017/173/0/c/bertlytakesone_by_digoraccoon-dbdot4v.png) for you lot.”

Inevitability
2017-07-14, 10:11 AM
DM: And so begins the tale of *sigh* illithid Drizzt. I need to learn to say no.

Gallade
2017-07-14, 01:42 PM
" And there goes the only party member who used magic. All we have now is a mad fourth wall breaking overly good alchemist. Know what that means?"
"That i can now quote Severus Snape! Ahem...there will be no waving wands or..."
"And that's it, let's gag him."
"But I haven't even had a redemption arc yet!"

"I can cultivate his DNA. Where is his corpse?"
"We got him cremated..."
"Oh? Well then, where are his ashes?"
"In the river."
"Ugh...well, there must be a blood stain somewhere..."
"No, remember? He died of poisoning, you were there."
"Then what about that time he..."
"They probably cleaned it off the bedsheets by now."
"...er, that's a new one to me. I was referring to that time he spat in a church."
"Okay then...pretend I was talking about that."

"That dragon mutant is sca*y"
"Did you say scaly or scary?"
"Both."

DigoDragon
2017-07-16, 10:54 AM
Nick: "I'm just waiting for my mechanic to come back and fix my oil leak."
Digo: "How bad is it?"
Nick: "Every time oil hits the engine manifold, I think a new pope is elected."

Digo: "We figured out what that potion does, right?"
Nick: "Yeah, it's a potion of cure light water."

William: "I hope I can remember all that."
Nick: "You will when you first get hit!" (*crit-punches William in the face*)

Mel: "So I was even screwing myself over on my Saving Throws."
Digo: "I feel that's my fault for not making out with you more."
GM: "Stop channeling Quagmire!"

GM: "William spends the evening preserving his hide."
[Beat]
William: "The landwyrm hide."

Nick: "We found the Order of the Green Lawn Septic Tank."

Ornate Door: "So door! Great make! Much steel!"

Nick: "New rope smell, old world problems."

Nick: "I think there's kobolds coming down the hallway."
Table: *large box of Recces Pieces candy spills all over the battlemat*
Nick: "Oh my god, they're everywhere! They got a candy coating!"

Digo: "Alright, let's go. I shove the mages through."
GM: "Oh no. Armond is not that dumb. He resists."
Chris: "I'm not that brand of stupid either."
Digo: "Fine. I go through and take the healers with me."
Armond: "...well played."

Digo: "The positions of the two wizards makes it look like they're about to high-five each other."
Nick: "Yeah, but with their poor attack rolls, they both miss."

Intelligent Spear: "I'm a proctologist, lizard lovers! Turn and cough!!"

Nick: "Here, hold this."
Lizardfolk: *holds his healing potion*
Nick: *double crit-punches lizardfolk's face*
Lizardfolk: *gives potion back, falls over*
Nick: *drinks potion*

Mel: "What did I miss?"
Nick: "Two lizardfolk. Try rolling higher."

goto124
2017-07-16, 11:50 AM
Bertly: “The things I put up with (http://orig03.deviantart.net/d1dc/f/2017/173/0/c/bertlytakesone_by_digoraccoon-dbdot4v.png) for you lot.”

1) This pics doesn't seem to be on your Deviantart page for some reason, is it private or something?

2) I have questions about pony biology.


Nick: "I'm just waiting for my mechanic to come back and fix my oil leak."
Digo: "How bad is it?"
Nick: "Every time oil hits the engine manifold, I think a new pope is elected."

I think I know exactly what Nick needs (http://i.imgur.com/o7cQwUY.jpg).



Digo: "We figured out what that potion does, right?"
Nick: "Yeah, it's a potion of cure light water."

The fact that it's a potion of cure light water instead of just a potion of cure light reminds me of this (http://i.imgur.com/tNl0e1J.jpg).



Nick: "I think there's kobolds coming down the hallway."
Table: *large box of Recces Pieces candy spills all over the battlemat*
Nick: "Oh my god, they're everywhere! They got a candy coating!"

I hope you guys ate the kobolds whenever you killed them, just like the saucisson party.



Digo: "The positions of the two wizards makes it look like they're about to high-five each other."
Nick: "Yeah, but with their poor attack rolls, they both miss."



Doc: (Checks stats) “Moonshadow has Unarmed 14, Melee 8, and Doc has Unarmed 12, Melee 9. So Doc and Moon can get themselves into a drunken brawl against each other, and end up not even touching one another?”

DigoDragon
2017-07-16, 02:06 PM
1) This pics doesn't seem to be on your Deviantart page for some reason, is it private or something?

It's in the Stash, which is private until I actually "post" the image. You can view them if you have the direct link.



I think I know exactly what Nick needs (http://i.imgur.com/o7cQwUY.jpg).

LOL. I'm forwarding that to him. XD



The fact that it's a potion of cure light water instead of just a potion of cure light reminds me of this (http://i.imgur.com/tNl0e1J.jpg).

That is about the right level of loot we typically find in dungeon encounters.


Digo: "This was an old stable for giant spiders about a decade ago. I found spider harness and saddles."
Nick: "My woogie-woogie feeling says there's Drow here."
Digo: "Your woogie-woogie feeling is about 10 years too late."
Mel: "Maybe they all turned into driders?"
Digo: "That leaves even more questions!"

Mel: "Ow! Son of a motherless goat!!"

GM: "You never use the Hide skill."
Mel: "Yes I did."
GM: "I don't remember you using Hide once. Jekyll either."

GM: "Hobbs is going to charge into the room."
Mel: "Can Hobbs even fit?"
Digo: "He's a large, white Siberian tiger. Hobbs will make himself should fit!"

Digo: "Look out! Here. Comes. Hobbs!!"
Hobbs: *bursts through the wooden door* "OH YEAH!!"

GM: "The mimic is feeling all chesty and stuff, so he starts punching."

Nick: Dude, you just smeared a gnome!"
Digo: "Bah, they're a dime a dozen."
Nick: "Meanie! They're gonna unionize and then kick you in the crotch!"
GM: "Gnomes don't need a union to kick people in the crotch."
Digo: "Without a ladder they're not."

Mel: "My name is Mel Stormshadow! You killed my mimic, prepare to die!"
Mel: *goes Barbarian Rage despite having no class levels in Barbarians and proceeds to max out damage rolls*
Freya: (*taps Digo on the shoulder*) "Uh, is that your wife?"
Digo: "I am not sure..."

Nick: "Pungent Sound with a picture of a fist. When it absolutely has to taste like the ocean."

Digo: "Okay, Nick. I'll open the door. If there's a monster inside, you--"
Nick: "I shove you in there, right?"
[Beat]
Digo: "I pick up Nick, place him in front of the door, and I go stand where he was."
Digo: "Okay, Nick. You open the door. If there's a monster inside..."

Gallade
2017-07-16, 03:23 PM
"Scarlet was the only one to fight Vertas the Dragon, right? She MUST know how to defeat him!"
"Yeah...can't tell you much about it right now though, that would spoil it."
"Okay, first thing first I get an audience with her and say 'GIMME ALL YOUR SPOILERS MLADY!'"

Guizonde
2017-07-16, 03:59 PM
Nick: "I think there's kobolds coming down the hallway."
Table: *large box of Recces Pieces candy spills all over the battlemat*
Nick: "Oh my god, they're everywhere! They got a candy coating!"


ah, 4th wall breaks... never gets old.


I hope you guys ate the kobolds whenever you killed them, just like the saucisson party

that'd be me, believe me, as soon as food hits the battlemap, you'd think the players were in a free-for-all and not in a team game!


Digo: "Alright, let's go. I shove the mages through."
GM: "Oh no. Armond is not that dumb. He resists."
Chris: "I'm not that brand of stupid either."
Digo: "Fine. I go through and take the healers with me."
Armond: "...well played."

"sighing deeply, i grab the healers and think of england."


Intelligent Spear: "I'm a proctologist, lizard lovers! Turn and cough!!"

i don't know how, but i'm pretty sure my dm has preemptively banned me from naming my weaponry like that... shame, really. it'd give my victims forewarning. i'll still try it though, because after 5 minutes i'm still snickering!


Nick: "Here, hold this."
Lizardfolk: *holds his healing potion*
Nick: *double crit-punches lizardfolk's face*
Lizardfolk: *gives potion back, falls over*
Nick: *drinks potion*

pretty sure my teammates pulled that one on at least one occasion. very film noir meets looney tunes. i love it!

ZeroGear
2017-07-17, 12:00 AM
Intelligent Spear: "I'm a proctologist, lizard lovers! Turn and cough!!"


Funny you should say that one:

Rivit: "You're never touching mechs ever again!"
Wyzz: "Why not, we won, didn't we?"
Rivit: "You gave the kaiju an Evangelion sized rectal exam!"

Ghost Solvo: "Ah, my old foe, we meet again."
Wyzz: "Solvo? I thought we killed you!"
Ghost Solvo: "Oh, you did. Let me return the favor."

Buster: "So your nemesis is a ghost now?"
Wyzz: "Seems like it."
Buster: "How do we deal with him?"
Wyzz: "Rootbeer."

Dealer: As you walk down the cave, you notice several messages scrawled all over the place.
Buster: What do they say?
Dealer: *sets stack of notecards on table* Take your pick.
Nyfe: *takes a card* "Danger ahead."
Buster: *takes a card* "Beware of stabbing in the back*
Sypher: *takes a card* Says this one's by a pile of bones. "Don't give up Skeleton!"
Wyzz: *takes a card* Says the same on this one. "Try finger but hole...what?"
Rivit: *takes a card* This one's by a ledge: "Shortcut ahead, try Jumping. Ok then!"
Rest of group: "NO!"

Gallade
2017-07-17, 03:34 AM
"Look, I don't see anything wrong with premarital sex, for all I care you can do it both before and after marriage. Just, for the love of the gods, don't do it DURING the wedding ceremony."

Eldan
2017-07-17, 04:22 AM
M'naji (Player 1): "So. This group is hiring. Tell us about your experiences with ships."
Gilbert le Roux: "I served on a war galley for six weeks during the war. We sunk three elven ships."
Thalassa: "I served 15 years as first mate and navigator on the Black Falcon out of the Imperial City."
J'Rashka: "This one served on trade ship. Ship sank. Then this one served on other trade ship. Was accidentally impounded by Imperial Revenue service. Then served on other trade ship. Is not important where ship is now. J'Rashka does not know.
J'Rashka does many great deeds on sea. Once steers three pirate ships at once after we defeat in battle. All ships are on beach now. Not an accident, this one does on purpose. Is an orphanage now, because J'Rashka is generous hero."
M'naji, whispering to the rest of the party: "This one thinks we should hire J'Rashka. This one likes him."


Later...
Thierry (Player 2): "So, we thought one of them was a traitor."
DM: "Yup"
Thierry: "They were all traitors."
DM: "Yup."
Thierry: "The Khajiit. I mean, he was obvious,."
DM: "Yup."
Thierry: "And the Breton Knight Errant."
DM: "Yup."
Thierry: "And the straight-laced, boring navigator lady."
DM: "Yup."
Thierry: "And the cook."
DM: "Yup."
Thierry: "And the scholar who paid 2000 septim for passage."
DM: "Yup."
Thierry: "And his bodyguard."
DM: "Mhm."
Thierry: "And the plucky young orphan we hired as a ship's boy."
DM: "Was an assassin, yes."
Thierry: "You're an utter bastard. Also, remind me to never again piss off the merchant bank."

DigoDragon
2017-07-17, 09:23 AM
"Okay, first thing first I get an audience with her and say 'GIMME ALL YOUR SPOILERS MLADY!'"

LOL, what a way to open up conversation.



ah, 4th wall breaks... never gets old.

Nope, they never do. ^_^




"sighing deeply, i grab the healers and think of england."

All I could think of was burgers. It's hard to dungeon delve on an empty stomach. Luckily we found a stocked kitchen, so we freed the enslaved cooks and asked for a sandwich as payment.



Rivit: "You gave the kaiju an Evangelion sized rectal exam!"

Ow. :smalleek:



Buster: "So your nemesis is a ghost now?"
Wyzz: "Seems like it."
Buster: "How do we deal with him?"
Wyzz: "Rootbeer."

I got that reference! :D



"Look, I don't see anything wrong with premarital sex, for all I care you can do it both before and after marriage. Just, for the love of the gods, don't do it DURING the wedding ceremony."

Yikes, they really had a thing going on between them.



Thierry: "You're an utter bastard. Also, remind me to never again piss off the merchant bank."

Heh, good advice. Especially when they got your money.


Viridia: “Can somebody pleaaaaase roll Survival for the safe? I have low Survival.”
Choro: “Is it lower than [my] 3?”

Doc: “Well killbot and meatbag just crit succeeded on studying the samples.”

Choro: “Also, Killbot and Meatbag; add it to the list of musical act names!”

Doc: “Don't let your other blades get jelly.”
Viridia: “Viridia won't let them have jelly. She's coming for that jelly. And by ‘jelly’, I mean booty. Sexually.”
GM: *jelly (https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/12/26/193880__safe_screencap_hugh+jelly_hearts+and+hoove s+day+%28episode%29_animated_hearts+and+hooves+day _jar_jelly_jelly+pony_rapeface_solo.gif).gif*

Viridia: “In case it's not obvious, I'm not a robot. I don't know the slang. Why don't you lead and I'll jump in when I need to?”
Bertly: “I... would prefer some degree of privacy, if I may? It has been quite a while since I could talk to another robot.”
Viridia: “Ohhh, I see. You like a bulky chassis, huh? Go get him, tiger.” (bops hips with Bertly)
Bertly: *sputtering noise, leaves room faster than she could say 'Robo Bachelor'*

Miltonian
2017-07-17, 12:04 PM
Hello everyone. Been a while, but I finally found something that I had to share.

Sniper Scope: Is it bad that my first thought is of Love reenacting Beauty and the Beast in her lab? It would have all the animated lab equipment singing "Be Our Guest" around mutilated pony jars filled with the results of experiments gone awry?
Rose: Well now I cannot unsee it. I totally accept this as headcanon.
GM: Meanwhile, Star Chaser dreams of big, fluffy pillows and hyperdrives.
Rose: FTL - Fluffier Than Light?

Gallade
2017-07-17, 12:26 PM
"She's tiny but with a huge head. She wears a bridal veil, meaning she probably scalped some poor sod on the day of her marriage and wore it ever since. She likes to torture bugs, skin dogs alive and drinks cologne, making her both drunk and smell pretty. Please, I want her forever."

DigoDragon
2017-07-17, 08:04 PM
Sniper Scope: Is it bad that my first thought is of Love reenacting Beauty and the Beast in her lab? It would have all the animated lab equipment singing "Be Our Guest" around mutilated pony jars filled with the results of experiments gone awry?
Rose: Well now I cannot unsee it. I totally accept this as headcanon.
GM: Meanwhile, Star Chaser dreams of big, fluffy pillows and hyperdrives.
Rose: FTL - Fluffier Than Light?

For when you're a heavy sleeper and need the comfort? ;)



"She's tiny but with a huge head. She wears a bridal veil, meaning she probably scalped some poor sod on the day of her marriage and wore it ever since. She likes to torture bugs, skin dogs alive and drinks cologne, making her both drunk and smell pretty. Please, I want her forever."

You can have her. O.o


"You pickpocket the Gargoyle. You steal a rock!"
"Um. I think you stole his left nut."

Joe the Rat
2017-07-18, 12:50 PM
"She's tiny but with a huge head. She wears a bridal veil, meaning she probably scalped some poor sod on the day of her marriage and wore it ever since. She likes to torture bugs, skin dogs alive and drinks cologne, making her both drunk and smell pretty. Please, I want her forever."
Reta does have a certain allure...

DM: Well, everyone made their saves against the large noxious cloud GoblinBard left, except NecroGnome. No wait, you're fine too. You don't breathe.

Creepy Village Elder: So, who will honor the bargain, and provide our daughters with new blood?
ElfKnight: Sorry, I'm Betrothed.
MonkeyMonk: Ascetic.
PalaDwarf: Oathbound.
FairyHalfling: Female.
GoblinBard: [Hiding].
NecroGnome: I'm up- (whisper)... actually, I'm not up. Ever. (sadface).

MonkeyMonk: What about DuelistDude? That's kind of his thing.
DM: So once again, the absent player gets thrown under the bus.

DM ...as a form rises up, like a giant eel made of water-
NecroGnome Nope! I jump in my bag of holding and sew it shut behind me.

NecroGnome: Why do you keep throwing encounters at us when we're in boats?
DM: To be fair, you did have other options to travel to the mountain. You guys picked "go up river."

Lord Torath
2017-07-18, 01:20 PM
DM ...as a form rises up, like a giant eel made of water-
NecroGnome Nope! I jump in my bag of holding and sew it shut behind me.

NecroGnome: Why do you keep throwing encounters at us when we're in boats?
DM: To be fair, you did have other options to travel to the mountain. You guys picked "go up river."NecroGnome wouldn't happen to be played by JAL, would he? They both seem to share a similar fear of water encounters...:smallwink:

Gallade
2017-07-18, 05:56 PM
"We got past ONE mecha-cerberus, and even then just barely. What are we going to do if we encounter, say, seven of them at once?"
"...throw 21 mecha-squeaky bones at them?"

"Well, by the next few levels all our alignments will be pretty much Jackass Good, but on the bright side, we'll have a mecha-dragon jet liner!"
"Not me though! I'll stay LG, thank you very much."
"You spineless snitch! You know what this means? It means you don't get to ride shotgun!"
"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Screw the rules, my hair is a plant."

goto124
2017-07-19, 12:18 AM
Creepy Village Elder: So, who will honor the bargain, and provide our daughters with new blood?
FairyHalfling: Female.


Creepy Village Elder: Wear this Girdle of Femininity/Masculinity. I'll cast Remove Curse once you're done.


"...throw 21 mecha-squeaky bones at them?"


*squeak* x21

DigoDragon
2017-07-19, 07:01 AM
DM: So once again, the absent player gets thrown under the bus.

This happens a lot in my local group. Funnier if we NPC the missing player's character and they perform a lot better. XD



"You spineless snitch! You know what this means? It means you don't get to ride shotgun!"
"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

If you're gonna go LG, you gotta go Paladin to get your own mount. Otherwise, you're gonna miss out of the cool rides. :smalltongue:



Creepy Village Elder: Wear this Girdle of Femininity/Masculinity. I'll cast Remove Curse once you're done.

I had randomly given out one of those in a loot pile to a group and OMG, they abused the ever-loving Ehlonna out of that belt. XD

The guys used to so they can vamp guards for info/money/favors and the ladies used it to sneak into gentlemen clubs and rob them blind. Like, how did this one curse item become their ticket to turning the team into a thieves guild? XD Eventually they got bored with it and gave it away to some random farmer. Yeah, how generous.


Moonshadow: *approached the computer, hoping to find something useful like a shiny red self-destruct button*

GM: “You're not my real dad!”
Viridia: “You'd best hope not, else you'd be half-silicone.”

GM: “The other alternative would be to reduce [Mirror Armor] to a plot object with special McGuffin powers, which is boring.”
Doc: “She has special McGuffin powers. Even says so on her character sheet’s Magic section.”
Mirror Armor’s character sheet: “Crystal Magic: Many effects, depending on the plot!”

Moon: “Yeah, I get that. Doc is easy, he's a Doctor. Choro is easy, she'd study magic and artifacts. Viridia is easy, she'd be seducing mares everywhere. Stellar is much more difficult I think.”

Viridia: “Disclaimer: Viridia has been eighteen since the game started. Please do not attempt to re-create anything she's done if you're under 18, else you'll go blind!”

Choro: “Hmm... does that mean we should disguise ourselves as a comedy group? You know, if we ever need a disguise.”
Doc: *looks at what Choro is wearing*
Doc: *says nothing*

goto124
2017-07-19, 07:26 AM
The guys used to so they can vamp guards for info/money/favors and the ladies used it to sneak into gentlemen clubs and rob them blind. Like, how did this one curse item become their ticket to turning the team into a thieves guild? XD Eventually they got bored with it and gave it away to some random farmer. Yeah, how generous.

Did you tell the guys they didn't need to change sex for guard vamping to work?

What setting is it? 18th century Britain?



Doc: “She has special McGuffin powers. Even says so on her character sheet’s Magic section.”
Mirror Armor’s character sheet: “Crystal Magic: Many effects, depending on the plot!”

Future GMPC right there! Aren't you glad she's your PC's fiancée?


Doc: *looks at what Choro is wearing*
Doc: *says nothing*

What was/is Choro wearing?

I read the thread, the biotech cattle feed is right out of a horror game, and if I knew anything about horror games it's that (touch wood!) eventually someone will eat it and the protagonists will have to find a cure before it's too late. Nevermind the effects of its intended use.

Doc has thermal and nightvision enhancements!

Inspector Valin
2017-07-19, 12:15 PM
What was/is Choro wearing?

"Well, I'm a wizard, so feel that it's my responsibility to dress appropriately. How else would ponies know who to turn to when magical catastrophy happens? However my Stable didn't really have wizard robes in my size (and neither did the Fallout Equestria RPG rules) so I had to improvise a little. I sewed my big pointy hat myself, but I wasn't really up to making a robe from scratch. So I dyed a lab coat blue, cut off a few little bits, and embroidered a very nice star design on it. A combination of old and new, for the modern wizard."

"But somehow nopony takes me seriously! It's infuriating! I try to be nice about it, but really, they act like I'm a filly in fancy dress." *pouts*

goto124
2017-07-19, 12:18 PM
Oh my goodness, it's the wizard herself! Please don't Fireball me!

... actually, is Choro even an actual Wizard? I seem to remember Digo... Doc telling me that the only magic in the setting was unicorn magic, and the creepy evil voodoo magic.

Inspector Valin
2017-07-19, 05:24 PM
Oh my goodness, it's the wizard herself! Please don't Fireball me!

... actually, is Choro even an actual Wizard? I seem to remember Digo... Doc telling me that the only magic in the setting was unicorn magic, and the creepy evil voodoo magic.

"Not an actual wizard?! I.... do you even see this hat? Pointy hat! Who other than a Wizard wears a pointy..."

"Sorry, sorry. Yes, I'm a wizard, though that might not mean what you think it does. I'm a unicorn who studies magic. There's plenty of unicorns who do that, and most wouldn't call themselves wizards these days. It's more a question of philosophy, approach and what material you work with. Occultists use old rituals, repeated just as so without understanding why they work. They're the crazy cultist type of magic-ponies. Scientists work to quantify magic, imposing more rules and ideas on it. They're about as crazy as occultists, but are better at hiding it and dressing well. Wizardry came between the two historically, and is roughly a midpoint. We codify, we theorize, but we don't go out of control crazy about it in the way scientists do. And we didn't destroy the world, thank you very much."

ZeroGear
2017-07-19, 06:35 PM
"Well, I'm a wizard, so feel that it's my responsibility to dress appropriately. How else would ponies know who to turn to when magical catastrophy happens? However my Stable didn't really have wizard robes in my size (and neither did the Fallout Equestria RPG rules) so I had to improvise a little. I sewed my big pointy hat myself, but I wasn't really up to making a robe from scratch. So I dyed a lab coat blue, cut off a few little bits, and embroidered a very nice star design on it. A combination of old and new, for the modern wizard."

"But somehow nopony takes me seriously! It's infuriating! I try to be nice about it, but really, they act like I'm a filly in fancy dress." *pouts*


"Not an actual wizard?! I.... do you even see this hat? Pointy hat! Who other than a Wizard wears a pointy..."

"Sorry, sorry. Yes, I'm a wizard, though that might not mean what you think it does. I'm a unicorn who studies magic. There's plenty of unicorns who do that, and most wouldn't call themselves wizards these days. It's more a question of philosophy, approach and what material you work with. Occultists use old rituals, repeated just as so without understanding why they work. They're the crazy cultist type of magic-ponies. Scientists work to quantify magic, imposing more rules and ideas on it. They're about as crazy as occultists, but are better at hiding it and dressing well. Wizardry came between the two historically, and is roughly a midpoint. We codify, we theorize, but we don't go out of control crazy about it in the way scientists do. And we didn't destroy the world, thank you very much."

The great and powerful Trixie called, she'd like her wardrobe back.
...Thinking about it now, I'm surprised the Goddess Allicorns haven't tried blasting Choro yet.

Miltonian
2017-07-19, 10:18 PM
And some more quotes!

Brazen: Just what have ya'll gotten us into?
Rose: Combat Box Fort! :D
Sniper Scope: We're presently building a box fort. Up next is cage match pillow fighting.
DM: Well you're not ENTIRELY wrong.

Rose: Well now Rose has a new goal in life. Cybernetic rocket legs for epic pillow bucking.

TurboGhast
2017-07-19, 11:15 PM
Varis: What's beneath the floating islands we're on?
DM: A void.
Varis: What does the void look like?
DM: The void's endless.
Varis: But what does it look like?
*DM draws spiral on the battle mat*

goto124
2017-07-20, 02:14 AM
Thank you Inspector Choro! That really clears things up.

DigoDragon
2017-07-20, 06:48 AM
Did you tell the guys they didn't need to change sex for guard vamping to work?

No, I was too occupied with the ludicrous turn of events my campaign took. :smalltongue:



Future GMPC right there! Aren't you glad she's your PC's fiancée?

I'm cautiously optimistic.



The great and powerful Trixie called, she'd like her wardrobe back.

Pffft, haha! Right? XD



Rose: Well now Rose has a new goal in life. Cybernetic rocket legs for epic pillow bucking.

This sounds so much dirtier without context. :smallbiggrin:



*DM draws spiral on the battle mat*

Heh, works!


Choro: “I still don't buy the flooding story. It might be true, but Thanatos doesn't strike me as a trustworthy pony. And keeping the captives down there, near the server and toxic waste, when there's a perfectly good set of unused holding cells up here?”
Doc: “Play Fallout 3 for a few hours. You’ll see how logic works in these kind of stories. That or you slam your forehead against your monitor a few times.”

Quote: “It might be true, but _______ doesn't strike me as a trustworthy pony.”
GM: “Made it a multi-purpose form, for further use.”

GM: “Treating unicorns as adorable is how countries are ruined, though. I mean, sure, they’re cute, but it's pretty clear that it just takes one to ruin everything.”
Viridia: “Give a unicorn fifteen minutes with Viridia alone at any time, and she'll [show] her what's really worth fighting for.” *wink*

GM: “I'm just a tulpa or something, I got nothing.”

Doc: “Need a Moonshadow for this. Or a really good industrial drill.”

goto124
2017-07-20, 09:09 AM
Doc: “Play Fallout 3 for a few hours. You’ll see how logic works in these kind of stories. That or you slam your forehead against your monitor a few times.”


I seem to remember reading a long article on how the plot of one of the Fallout games made no sense. Something about the Enclave chasing after a water facility they don't need.


Quote: “It might be true, but _______ doesn't strike me as a trustworthy pony.”
GM: “Made it a multi-purpose form, for further use.”


Wonder what the GM is trying to tell us...

And you forgot this:

Doc: *ideas about haunting spirits*
GM: Hee. Hee hee. Hoo hoo hoo.

Cazero
2017-07-20, 11:08 AM
I seem to remember reading a long article on how the plot of one of the Fallout games made no sense. Something about the Enclave chasing after a water facility they don't need.
It's worse than that. The central conflict have all factions trying to activate a facility while preventing other factions from doing the exact same thing. The facility in question is a water purification station that will benefit everyone regardless of who pushes the button.
The fact people apparently live just fine without it is a minor plothole by comparison.

Katrina
2017-07-20, 10:14 PM
I only remember two factions in Fallout 3 (Enclave and Lion's Pride), and the conflict between them boiled down to
The Enclave wanted to poison the water so that any thing with genetic mutations due to the radiation (i.e.
Most people, ghouls, Super Mutants, Possibly the Lone Wanderer herself if you did a particular questline,
and others would die upon drinking it.
The Lion's Pride was basically a Apocalyptic good faction of the Brotherhood of Steel and wanted to actually improve the standard of living in the Capital Wasteland.

While this is in theory the same Lion's Pride that would later feature in Fallout 4, Maxson has taken them far from Lion's Doctrines and closer to traditional Brotherhood of Steel values at that point.

Tohron
2017-07-20, 11:01 PM
I seem to remember reading a long article on how the plot of one of the Fallout games made no sense. Something about the Enclave chasing after a water facility they don't need.


Since we're going a bit off-topic:
I believe the particular series is here: https://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=27085

I particularly liked the summation of the main plot at the end:

"Dad built a water purifier that didn’t work, for people that didn’t need it, and then made it release radiation it shouldn’t have, to prevent it from falling into the hands of people trying to fix it. This killed the man who had no reason to sabotage it and didn’t kill Colonel Autumn, who had no means to survive. This put the Enclave – an army with no reason to attack – in charge of the purifier, which was of no value to them. Then the player entered vault 87 to recover a GECK, a magical matter-arranger that they shouldn’t need and that would be better put to use in virtually any possible manner besides fixing the purifier. Colonel Autumn, who shouldn’t be alive, captured the player with a flash grenade that shouldn’t have worked that was thrown by soldiers who had no way to get there. The final battle was a war between the Enclave and the Brotherhood of Steel, to see which one would get to commit suicide trying to turn on the purifier that neither of them needed. This resulted in more sabotage that threatened to explode a device that shouldn’t be explode-able, ending with the death of the player character, who had the means to survive but didn’t, and who was never given a good reason for doing any of this."

goto124
2017-07-20, 11:15 PM
That's the article I read! Glad to remember where I got it from.

GrayGriffin
2017-07-21, 01:43 AM
"Team Predator vs. A Bunch of Predator Racists"

"Y'all are going to have to watch Zootopia for sensitivity training."

Gallade
2017-07-21, 06:03 AM
"Slap me in the face with reality before I turn this entire campaign into Toy Story 5"

"Nobody is tricking anyone into soiling a sandwich on MY watch!"

"You're ruining my campaign and I LOVE IT."

"You got a stalker who sleeps under your bed and may or may not actually be a horrible fey monster. Top waifu material there!"
"What does she even look like?"
"Give us a sketch."
(One display of terrible drawing skill later)
http://i64.tinypic.com/303g03a.png
"Yeaaah, she's totally about to molest/eat that butterfly. Adorable!"

Eldan
2017-07-21, 06:41 AM
It's worse than that. The central conflict have all factions trying to activate a facility while preventing other factions from doing the exact same thing. The facility in question is a water purification station that will benefit everyone regardless of who pushes the button.
The fact people apparently live just fine without it is a minor plothole by comparison.

Well, one of hte factions also wants to mix in a virus with the new clean water that will kill everyone.

DigoDragon
2017-07-21, 07:31 AM
Doc: *ideas about haunting spirits*
GM: Hee. Hee hee. Hoo hoo hoo.

This is pretty much my relationship with the GM in a nutshell. :smalltongue:



The Enclave wanted to poison the water so that any thing with genetic mutations due to the radiation (i.e. Most people, ghouls, Super Mutants, Possibly the Lone Wanderer herself if you did a particular questline, and others would die upon drinking it.

Well, one of hte factions also wants to mix in a virus with the new clean water that will kill everyone.

Yes, thank you. The mutant-killing virus is the one plot point that gives you any reason to stop the Enclave from turning on the purifier. It gets overlooked often in summing up the game's plot.



"Y'all are going to have to watch Zootopia for sensitivity training."

That bad, huh?



"Give us a sketch."
(One display of terrible drawing skill later)
http://i64.tinypic.com/303g03a.png
"Yeaaah, she's totally about to molest/eat that butterfly. Adorable!"

Hmm, she looks fairly harmless. Any unusual tell-tales of shapeshifting, unusual growths, or unexplained voice changing? :smalltongue:


Viridia: “I'm eighteen, Strata. I'm legal no matter what time we're in.” (*winks*)

Moon: “Creepy mascot pony, you better not actually exist. There isn't enough ammo in the world to burn this place enough.”

GM: “Can't not reward a critical success.”
Moon: “Moonshadow would like a gift receipt please.”

Choro: “That's 3 points up for 'possession by spirit of the mascot' and 5 down for 'AI gestalt of the dead'. Other theories are stable at this time.”
Doc: “Hold up. How is a hallucination three points up for spirit possession? If that's the case then Doc is Molly-bucking-Jensen.”

GM: “There's about five things terribly, horribly wrong with CrunchMunch and adding spirits would be like dumping raw sewage on a junkyard fire; of course it's a possibility here.”

Choro: “I don't hear gunfire. Or anything.”
Doc: (*about to do the thing*) “Wait.”

Gallade
2017-07-21, 08:44 AM
Hmm, she looks fairly harmless. Any unusual tell-tales of shapeshifting, unusual growths, or unexplained voice changing? :smalltongue:

Those spots under her eyes are her actual eyes, though the only character to find out didn't care and later betrayed the party and ran away. If pressed into melee she bites people, and turns out she's poisonous. Plus they literally found her in the middle of a forest and she "befriended" them with a mass charm spell, but being a decent mage they let her stick along.

Joe the Rat
2017-07-21, 09:20 AM
Hmm, she looks fairly harmless. Any unusual tell-tales of shapeshifting, unusual growths, or unexplained voice changing? :smalltongue:


Those spots under her eyes are her actual eyes, though the only character to find out didn't care and later betrayed the party and ran away. If pressed into melee she bites people, and turns out she's poisonous. Plus they literally found her in the middle of a forest and she "befriended" them with a mass charm spell, but being a decent mage they let her stick along.
See, and I figured she was the whole pictured image, stump and all.
Never trust a stump with a harmless-looking creature sitting on top. On a side note, "harmless creature on a stump" will be my new paranoia-inducing encounter, possibly supplanting the current leader, "water travel."

No-context prize from last session:
NecroGnome: Do you have a token for Mr. Wiggly?

Christopher K.
2017-07-21, 01:09 PM
This gem came up last night:
"So if the orc had 6 HP, surely the half orc has 3!"

Diego Havoc
2017-07-21, 01:12 PM
Yukari: Remember that we're meant to be preventing an assassination here.
Ms. Steel: Oh yeah. I forgot. I was thinking about killing.

Yukari: Marvel characters get frequent die-er miles. 3 deaths and the next one is free!

Kula: This plan is doomed to fail.
Ms. Steel: This plan is doomed to succeed!

Yukari: This session has taken a very strange turn.
Kula: Isn't that every session?
GM: And yet it's still not a weird as the Power Rangers session.

Cazero
2017-07-21, 01:41 PM
Well, one of hte factions also wants to mix in a virus with the new clean water that will kill everyone.
I thought that was just Eden, and that he asked the player to do it specificaly because Autumn won't.

digiman619
2017-07-22, 01:04 PM
"But I'm not hard, so if you use me like that, I'll take half damage"I meant to say "don't have a hardness", as the rest of the party was considering using my paralyzed character as a battering ram.

Gallade
2017-07-22, 04:17 PM
"I think Wort should have a waifu as well."
"Doesn't he have his sword already?"
"Yeah, but that's more like an occasional f-buddy. He needs someone to go steady with."

"For the last time, I'm NOT blowing up the castle. You know what's worse than semi-immortal abominations? Semi-immortal abominations, pissed off, out for your blood, and on fire."
"The people in the castle are under a spell which reverses time, for their body only, when they die, resurrecting them but corrupting them more and more each time, and they're already pretty much undead by this point. We're supposed to rescue them.

Guizonde
2017-07-22, 05:04 PM
"I think Wort should have a waifu as well."
"Doesn't he have his sword already?"
"Yeah, but that's more like an occasional f-buddy. He needs someone to go steady with."


judging by his name, that'd be his briefs.

... crud, i grossed me out on that zing.

goto124
2017-07-23, 06:37 AM
This will the first and last time I quote from someone else's campaign, I swear.

Doc: “I just started hearing the tail end of this, what?”
Viridia: “Well, you didn't tell me what you've had replaced, and that seemed like a good guess.”
Doc: “I had some muscles replaced, but that wasn't one of them. Pretty sure it wasn't.”
Viridia: “In the interest of maintaining party morale, I'm not going to make a joke about this.”
Thanatos: *slowly turns to glance at Doc with a raised eyebrow*
Doc: “I dunno. I'm the only stallion on the team, so I just accept certain jokes fly my way.”
Thanatos: *nods*

Viridia: “Does anypony ever call you Thanny?”
Thanatos: *looks as if he wasn't going to justify that with a answer*
Thanatos: *shakes his head*
Viridia: “How about...Little Green?”
Thanatos: *deems that he wasn't going to dignify that with a answer*

AI: “As for the overseer robot, I am just a intelligent machine; legally, a computer cannot run a factory, but a robot, technically, can.”
Moonshadow: “A ROBOT IS JUST A COMPUTER WITH LEGS!!”

Didn't somepony spot a safe hidden behind a painting?

DigoDragon
2017-07-23, 08:16 AM
Didn't somepony spot a safe hidden behind a painting?

Stellar did, but unless she tells someone else, no one will know unless we... re-search the office again (couldn't avoid that punnage).
Anyway, D&D shenanigans~


Nick: "Here, have a five year old fortune cookie."
Peanut Gallery: "That cookie has got to be stale as all hell."
Nick: "Yes, so is the fortune."

Nick: "I watched 'Beep Beep Ima Sheep' so many times that I now have cotton mouth."

Lizardman: "Come on! Please open the door! We just need a roll of toilet paper, have some mercy!"

Chris: "Guess how much gold I have now." *grin*
Armond: "No. Here's a coin. Don't carry that number."
Digo: "Well now you're across the street from the beast."

William: "Boss, I want a raise."
Chris: "We just gave you one. We raised you out of a pit."

GM: "Well now Armond has to decide if this is a stupid idea--"
Digo: "They're all stupid ideas! Just do them!"

Nick: "I must admit that getting torpedoed by a salami was half-cool."

Mel: (*singing*) "Take a five foot step, grab a stick of juicy fruit..."

GM: "That's the best use of string theory that I've ever seen."
Chris: "I'm just stringing you along. By the way, 25 electric damage to the boss."
GM: *rolls* "And the enemy mage is gone."
Chris: "And that's how you do the electric slide."
Digo & Mel: "It's electric, boogie woogie woogie!"

Mel: "We started this quest with 48 charges. We're down to 32."
Digo: "Well spent if you ask me! It's allowed us to take on a room full of Celestia damned luggage bags and the human torched."

Digo: "Lions and wolves and monks, oh my!"
GM: "Holy crap, Batman! That's a lot of business!"

Lizardman: "If gravity was real, why hasn't all the water not fallen to the bottom of the planet?"

GM: "And the second arrow catches him in the nose and through the back of his neck."
Digo: "Nose piercing!"
GM: "That's not the right direction for that."
Digo: "I... dunno how nose piercings work."
Chris: "Try watching Nostril Pierce Theater."
GM: "Aarrrrg!!"
Nick: "He really pierced it."

Mel: "Hmm, what to do?"
Chris: "If it helps you decide, I'm down to 14 hit points."
Mel: "Well I'm down by half."
Chris: "Then go heal yourself."
Nick: "We had hit points once, now we got air."

GM: "That was the big cat. He was lion on the side of the road."

Gallade
2017-07-23, 11:37 AM
"Quiet yourself, Child of Fire! Do you think your little tricks can hold a candle to the flames of the Hells themselves?"
(pause)
"...Swear to all holyness I didn't mean to make that pun."

"How can you even say if a weapon is a 'he' or a 'she'?"
"Easy, if it has a long haft or a bludgeoning shape it's a boy, for obvious reasons. If it has a wide blade it's a girl, because the marks it leaves...I don't have to spell it out, do I."
"What about a glaive or a halberd?"
"Those are shemales."
"Rapiers?"
"Trap."
"We're going to get ambushed by SJW over this, are we."

Gideon Falcon
2017-07-23, 04:03 PM
GM- Roll Arcana.
Fighter (I'm not sure why, either)- 1.
GM- It's... different.

GM- Roll Religion.
Fighter: Nat 1.
GM- That's a pretty statue.

"You must be this tall to survive."

"Well, he may look like me, and he may talk like me, but can he dance like me?"

"How can a Lich be a Medusa?"

"Calm down, these guys are delicate- I go up to one of them very aggressively..."

"In Soviet Russia, you mine the Dwarves!"

Druid: Besides, trust is a major part of any relationship. If we're going to ship these two-
Eldritch Knight: WHAT!?

Bard: I'm afraid we're going to need your baby .
Fighter: *sigh* Fine. (Grabs the Ranger)
Bard: NO! No, we need the [I]worm!
Fighter: *sigh* Fine. (Grabs the Ranger again)

DigoDragon
2017-07-23, 05:21 PM
Bard: I'm afraid we're going to need your baby .
Fighter: *sigh* Fine. (Grabs the Ranger)
Bard: NO! No, we need the [I]worm!
Fighter: *sigh* Fine. (Grabs the Ranger again)

Pfft, nice. That was a good laugh. XD


GM: "Mel, you want to hit number 7 at range? All the other spellcasters are."
Lizardman #7: "Quick, someone get into melee with me so I'm harder to hit!"
Armond: *crossbow hit*
LM #7: "Not you!"
Chris: *longbow hit*
LM #7: "Not you either!"
Mel: *shortbow hit*
LM #7: "Oh come on!!"

Nick: "So everyone but #7 in engaged?"
GM: "Well, you can't tell if he's wearing a ring or not."

William: "Hey Hey Hey!"
GM: "Green giant!"
Digo: "I think we mixed up our childhoods."

GM: "You trip up on an invisible turtle that wasn't there."

Mel: "Nice to see a new member in the Roll-a-1 club."
Chris: "Yes, I'm happy to be here in the penalty box."

Chris: "Google is still on the steps. He never moved into combat."
Digo: "He's not that browser of stupid."

GM: "The eye goes away, then the giant glass sphere falls to the ground and shatters."
Digo: "Not it."
Mel: "I didn't do it."
Digo: "Is this how Sauron ragequits?"

GM: "The wizard had a pair of magic bracers."
Chris: "Bracers yourself. Loot is coming."

Nick: "The potion wasn't divination, because he certainly didn't see my fist coming."

Chris: "Hey Google, are you feeling this?"
Google: "Did you turn off your popup blocker?"

Chris: "Digo, secret door there."
Digo: *checks, pulls a candle holder*
Room: *rearranges and secret door opens*
Nick: (from behind wall) "Okay. Listen carefully. Put. The candle. Back."

GM: "Hobbs is not. Hobbs is a low rider."

Chris: "Anyway, I have Armond looking after me, in case I do something weird."
Mel: "This is you we're talking about, right?"
Chris: "Okay, weirder than usual."

Digo: "Door is attacking us! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Mel: "Eww, you're still sticky."
Digo: "That happens when you get groped by a door."

GM: "And then you come-to and see that everyone is looking at you."
Chris: *blink. shakes head*
Digo: "So what planet did you visit?"
Chris: "Google and I mind-melded."
Mel: "You visited the Googleplex?"

goto124
2017-07-23, 07:54 PM
Stellar did, but unless she tells someone else, no one will know unless we... re-search the office again (couldn't avoid that punnage)

Roll for Science :smalltongue:



William: "Boss, I want a raise."
Chris: "We just gave you one. We raised you out of a pit."

"Keep pestering and you'll be asking for a Raise Dead."



GM: "And the second arrow catches him in the nose and through the back of his neck."
Digo: "Nose piercing!"

During a short stint as a GM, one of my players gave an NPC a reverse eye piercing. He'd asked for the left eye, but I ruled the arrow to take the right one instead.


Digo: "Door is attacking us! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Ah, a typical DnD experience. That session must've been a wild ride :smallbiggrin:

ZeroGear
2017-07-23, 09:54 PM
Nick: "I watched 'Beep Beep Ima Sheep' so many times that I now have cotton mouth."


I literally watched this one day before I read this quote. Weird.

Busster: "Charge!"
Dealer: When did running TOWARDS the enemy become the coward option?

Rivit: "Don't worry, there's no way I can fail this jump!"
Deck: *Joker, Joker* (this is a crit fail)
Dealer: It was at this moment he knew, he f****d up.

Wyzz: Just s we're clear, we're all animals?
Dealer: Yup.
Wyzz: "Huh, I'm a cat?"
Nyfe: "I'm a bunny."
Buster: "Schnauzer."
Rivit: "Spider-monkey"
Wyzz: "Wait, what about Sypher?"
Dealer: As you ask that question, you see a roomba come into view.
Sypher: "This sucks."
Rivit: "Could have been worse, at least you're not a lamp."

Buster: "I'll show them the true meaning of pain!" *beat* "Right after I catch this elusive stump of a tail!"

Sypher: "Why are you sitting on me?"
Wyzz: "If you're a cat, you ride roombas. It's what you do."

Minion: "Get back here you vile rodent!"
Nyfe: "Who're you calling a rodent? I'm a BUNNY!"

Rivit: "NO ONE MAKES A MONKEY OUT OF ME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"

Commander: "What's taking so long? It's just one stinking rabbit!"
Minion: "That's no ordinary rabbit!"

Wyzz: "Is this the best you got? We've taken on worse!"
Deep rumbling voice: "Now you must still survive: Evillak (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wvNvV6Yneg)!"
Buster: "NO ONE REMEMBERS THAT CARTOON!"

Sypher: "I may need some help."
Wyzz: *leaps into action*
Sypher: "...a cat is fine too."

Sorceress: "This certainly hurts my pride."
Buster: "Not as much as my teeth!" *growls*
Sorceress: "Oh poopie."

Fable Wright
2017-07-24, 12:27 AM
Peanut Gallery: So what's happening over here?
Player 1: The old man is desperately trying to kill himself but the barkeep keeps thwarting that with well-timed drinks. Also, knife-eye decapitated heads keep popping up out of nowhere to break up the scene but keep getting assassinated by a team of utterly sloshed ninjas.
Player 2: Also, the redneck gremlins are desperately trying to run away from the evil sentient sandstorm.
Peanut Gallery: *blinks*

Gallade
2017-07-24, 03:28 AM
"The potion of Infernal Healing heals your wounds shut, leaving behind a lingering, oddly pleasant sense of evilness."
"Like a coke bitter?"
"More like eating the next to last cookie, and then eating the last one as well."
"Oh god, that's so evil."

TheYell
2017-07-24, 06:52 AM
Greysun: Firuz, issue a challenge!

Firuz: I demand trial by combat!

Executioner: You get trial by axe.


Firuz: I pray to Irori.

GM: Go ahead.

Firuz: Oh. Er. Oh Irori, I'm the only one out here who worships you, so that's gotta count for something. Also, you saw Iomedae deliver for her paladin, so it's time to step up.

GM: *rolls* Damn. Well, a bolt of lightning hits the executioner's raised axe, and he vanishes, leaving a pair of smoking boots.

Gallade
2017-07-24, 07:34 AM
"Goblins are cute and you can't say otherwise. I'm going to adopt every single one of them I find. And by adopt, I mean knock out, tie up and carry in my backpack."

DigoDragon
2017-07-24, 07:38 AM
"...Swear to all holyness I didn't mean to make that pun."

Subconsciously I think we all actually do.



During a short stint as a GM, one of my players gave an NPC a reverse eye piercing. He'd asked for the left eye, but I ruled the arrow to take the right one instead.

Eh, 50/50 shot (Or is it 20/20?). Couldn't get much better odds than that. ;)



Ah, a typical DnD experience. That session must've been a wild ride :smallbiggrin:

Us players have all been veterans to D&D for some time now (half of us can trace our roots back to D&D 1e). However, we've all agreed that our GM has likely never played with such a competent group before. Because he complained that the party monk is OP for increasing his AC to 24 at sixth level by way of Shield of Faith, Combat Expertise, and fighting defensively (D&D 3.5). :smallbiggrin:



I literally watched this one day before I read this quote. Weird.

Heh, small world. :D



Dealer: As you ask that question, you see a roomba come into view.
Sypher: "This sucks."

Hee hee, good subtle joke.



Peanut Gallery: *blinks*

This is typically why our Peanut Gallery doesn't ask questions anymore. ;)



"More like eating the next to last cookie, and then eating the last one as well."
"Oh god, that's so evil."

Dang, then I've been evil for the past three packages of cookies. :smalleek:



GM: *rolls* Damn. Well, a bolt of lightning hits the executioner's raised axe, and he vanishes, leaving a pair of smoking boots.

Toasty!


Moon: “I prefer it's luring Moonshadow to its death, because Moonshadow will shoot it in the head.”

Choro: “If they were that bad at mercenary work, they'd be dead.”
Doc: (*picks up Stellar, places her on the evidence table*) “Exhibit A--Stellar Blaze. Single-hoofedly kicked both their plots and disarmed their guns. The two have yet to get their guns back, so unless they had extra bits lying around buy new weapons, they're rather naked at the moment. Well, more naked than usual naked I mean. Naked Gun naked.”

Choro: “It's called efficiency, Doctor. Or did you have a ten foot pole to climb to get up there?”

GM: “I'm sure we'd have very different lists.”
Viridia: “Well, duh. You'd just put everyone in the middle column and ruin all the fun.”

Viridia: “What's wrong with Glorious Dawn? She's nice and the worst she does is increase Nightcore's risk of a heart attack.”
GM: “Also, given that her wife is about six inches thicker at the waist than everyone else in Oakville, her cooking is probably the next evil food-related thing in town right after this factory. Celestia forbid she gets her hooves on an industrial-scale kitchen.”

Moon: “A sub-basement. Why did every ******* place in Equestria need a sub-basement? Only bad things happen in sub-basements.”

Doc: “And this would be time for a Plan B that I didn't think of.”

Gallade
2017-07-24, 04:07 PM
"I knock the statue off the pedestal so it falls down on the ground."
"I knew it, you ARE a cat!"

"We are violating a private property here."
"And the owner of this property is violating human rights."
"There...ARE no human rights."
"Then I'll make them up. First thing first, thou shalt not pick up random homeless people and turn them into Claus from Mother 3"

(Talking about a Barbazu)
"A big, red man with a long beard? Is he...Santa?"

"There's something really wrong with someone who wants to pick up cannonballs."

"It's hard to always treat others with kindness."
"No it's not. Just name your weapon of choice 'Kindness' and you're all set."

HalfTangible
2017-07-24, 11:36 PM
Ronthor: Ah yes, the trials!... I'm supposed to give you advice.
P1: ...
Ronthor: ...
P1: Well?
Ronthor: I forgot. What advice do you want to hear?
P1: Don't be a moron.
Ronthor: Ah, yes! Good advice! Don't be a moron.

He then said 'don't be a moron' to everyone who tried to go through the trials. It was hilarious.

OctoberRaven
2017-07-25, 04:43 AM
Talia: "This Dwarf beside me, 'e has been given gifts from the Valar themselves tae fight the shadow. Tha' lad there, he's slain countless orcs, with the Sindar's aid tae. The other manfolk, I've seen 'im gut a drake. And we've all resisted the call of the Shadow when it saught tae esnare us in the form of an aptrgangr. If we have darkness in us, we overcome it."

Context:
Convincing a crazy angel to help the party by Patrick Stewarting it to submission.

Aptrgangr = Her people's word for Vampire.

Gallade
2017-07-25, 12:19 PM
Warforged Girl: "Who are you? What are you doing in my room?"
Alchemist:"Well, uuuhh...we're your..."
Vigilante:"Nanny."
Slayer:"Guardian."
Alchemist:"Physician!"
Paladin:"...father's killer."
(Silence)
Paladin:"I have an oath of sincerity, okay?"
Petrifern:"Groot!"

DigoDragon
2017-07-25, 12:23 PM
Hologram Server: “This station is able to create foods on demand, along with providing refreshing beverages.”
Moon: “That's fascinating. So would you be able to provide a dish that's rich in explosive material?”
Hologram Server: “That'll be three Taco Bell Burrito Supremes and a medium coke. $8.99, please drive up to the first window, thank you.”

Doc: *puts Choro on the table*
Doc: *turns to where Choro was standing*
Doc: *realizes she's on the table and turns back*

Viridia: “Don't call me ‘effective Initiative is 8’ or ‘agility score to it’, you bigot!”

Choro: “Bah! We're ponies! Friendship comes before the fourth wall!”

Viridia: “Please give me your initiative and I will send you pictures of completely nude words. Just to sweeten the pot... Horizon.”
Stellar: “Sure, always a sucker for naked words.”
Doc: “Who's getting the other 15?”
Viridia: “I'm not sending any of my nude words to dudes!”
Doc: “That's... fine. I don't need the nudes. I just want the 15 initiative.”
Viridia: “I only just got my 15! You can have it when I'm done with it.”

Necroticplague
2017-07-25, 03:23 PM
"O.k, seriously? I get there's a small chance of anything happening, but 535 times in a row? that's a near-impossibility."
-A king bemoaning their lifelong streak on only daughters and no sons.

Miltonian
2017-07-25, 04:52 PM
Love: (shouting over the gunfire) Don't let this dissuade you from a peaceful solution. We're still open to negotiating despite our apparent lack of intent.
(Begins firing as well) How are you doing?