Planning to have friends

[The Eye]

So, I normally don't go out, I have no friends and I want to change that.

So following up all the advices from professionals and non-professionals I decided to join a hobby group who play games in the local game shop.

Got to say I recommend, socializing may be overrated, but it's also kind of fun to talk to someone who is nice and is there for you.

That being said I think I only said two phrases in a non-gaming context, how to deal with other humans? I don’t know how to start a conversation or do small talk… Any tips?

[2D8HP]

Food, movies, and sports seem to be the main topics of conversations I hear.

Well... also complaining, but there's an art to that.

[Baby Gary]

don't forget about the weather, it can save you from many embarrassing situations. Don't forget that this is 2017, if you are having trouble with a conversation you can just go to your phone, I swear that that is what dates are now a-days, people on there phones together

[Sermil]

That being said I think I only said two phrases in a non-gaming context, how to deal with other humans? I don’t know how to start a conversation or do small talk… Any tips?

Generally, talk about things you have in common. I'm not very social, but put me with another professional programmer, and get us into a discussion of different programming methodologies at our former companies, and we can talk for hours.

In your case, that would probably be gaming. Not just the game you are currently playing, but other games the person may have playing, what they did / didn't like about them, exciting stories from other gaming sessions, and so on.

One huge piece of advice: Make sure you are letting the other person talk, and listen to them. Everyone likes to talk about themselves and give their opinions, so be sure they have a chance to contribute to the conversation too -- don't try to dominate it. And when they talk, listen and respond to what they are saying. (This is often my problem; sometimes I think of a cool anecdote I want to share and then I spend the whole time they are talking thinking, "Shut up and let me tell my story, shut up and let me tell my story" -- even though I'd like them to listen when I'm telling my story later.)

If you really don't want to talk about gaming, a person's profession (or major, if still in college) is often a possible topic of conversation.

[Aliquid]

So, I normally don't go out, I have no friends and I want to change that.

So following up all the advices form professionals and non-professionals I decided to join a hobby group who play games in the local game shop.

Got to say I recommend, socializing may be overrated, but it's also kind of fun to talk to someone who is nice and is there for you.

That being said I think I only said two phrases in a non-gaming context, how to deal with other humans? I don’t know how to start a conversation or do small talk… Any tips?
Don't rush this too much. Just game with them, don't worry about making friends or small talk right now. Spend your time getting comfortable with the situation and the people. Watch them, pay attention to what they say and how they act. When you are more comfortable with everything, the talking will be more natural.

Try too much too soon and it will feel forced (for you and for them). At least that's how it always ends up for me... I just don't get small talk. It makes no sense to me, but like Sermil, I can go on and on if someone wants to talk about stuff I'm actually interested in.

Oh, and if you wait, an extrovert might just start talking to you.

[BWR]

Some good advice here but there are some even more immediate concerns. Considering one of your other threads you aren't going to like this, but it needs to be said:

appearances

Make sure you are clean, well-groomed and wearing clean clothes. No one expects you to look like a model but if you show up smelly, unkempt, with dirty rumpled clothes that don't fit properly, people are going to get a bad impression, making things harder for you. (I don't know what you look or dress like, but it is better to be on the safe side and make a note of it)

Secondly, smiles and a generally open and animated demeanor. If you look sullen and unhappy, even if you are just shy and uncomfortable and trying not to make your presence too big, people will instinctively pull away from you and certainly won't approach you on their own. If you look happy and relaxed/excited people will tend to respond in a similar way, making connections easier.
(I'm told my neutral, or resting, expression makes me look angry or sullen and I have an unfortunate tendency to get very stiff and sober when in uncomfortable social situations (which, being an introvert, means a lot of them). Couple with an almost instinctive aversion to making eye contact, this is one area I keep needing to work on.)

[Cozzer]

This is maybe... tricky advice, since you can't completely control it, but: care.

If you take a genuine interest in the people you're interacting with, everything will more or less be alright. They won't always return that interest, but you will definitely find people who do.

Of course, you can't make yourself feel interest, but you can try giving people the benefit of the doubt. If the people around you feel superficial, alien or too different (which is something that tends to happen when you haven't made many friends yet), try to remind yourself that each and every one of them is as deep and complex as you, and has a 99% chance of having something interesting hidden inside of them.

As the good Neil Gaiman said, every single person has an universe inside of them. Try to take the role of an explorer (while of course not overstepping boundaries). People will become more interesting to you, and this will make you more interesting to them.

[Sobol]

"Wander Over Yonder" had a great song where one character teaches another how to interact with the woman he has a crush on:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNi2Z7IB4W4

Works in a non-romantic context, too.

[Red Fel]

That being said I think I only said two phrases in a non-gaming context, how to deal with other humans? I don’t know how to start a conversation or do small talk… Any tips?

"Hi."

It can frequently be that simple.

Let me give an illustration. It was my first day of graduate school, and I had determined that (1) I was going to start/join a study group, and (2) I was going to make a friend. I saw somebody who looked relatively intelligent sitting in the dining area, reading. I approached said person, said, "Can I sit here?" Then proceeded to say - and I'm paraphrasing - "You look smart. Want to start a study group?" This person became my second friend in graduate school. (My first, I had actually met prior to graduate school, so that one kind of doesn't count.)

The thing about socializing is that it's only a big deal if you make it one. If you make socializing out to be this big thing (i.e. "dealing with other humans"), it will be. You don't make "the complex biomechanics of coordinating balance and movement of the lower extremities" out to be a big thing - it's just walking. You'll psych yourself out if you visualize this stuff as some sort of Herculean task.

Adults, or at least relatively mature non-jerks, are generally situationally aware when in social settings. If you approach a group, and they're not involved in any kind of in-conversation, they will generally open to accommodate you. If you listen to the conversation for awhile to get a feel for things, and then offer your own on-topic observation or comment, they will generally give you a space in the conversation into which to interject. That's all it takes.

An alternative is to approach someone isolated, which sounds creepy when you put it like that but is a legitimate thing. Just walk up to someone who looks like they want to join a circle but haven't found the chance, and say hi. That is generally enough to start things, unless the reason that person is alone is that the person is a total jerk, which is admittedly a thing that happens so brace yourself. Frequently, however, starting up a conversation with another loner is enough to get the ball rolling; if someone overhears you laughing and having fun, they may join in, and soon you reach a conversational critical mass.

Small talk isn't for everyone. Not everyone is good at it or likes it. Some people need a topic of discourse. And that's fine. Find out what conversational methods work for you, and use them. And the best way to do that is to dive in and practice.

[Goodkill]

making friends is easy. i made a bunch through going to my mental illness club. there's a group that i play D&D with on fridays. i just talk to people and people talk back because they are bored. sometimes i take caffeine pills as a social lubricant (coffee would also work but harder to be stealthy about).

if i didn't look weird and were a bit smarter (which would both be achieved with the same change) i could make friends with anyone and be like the friendship baron. connections/supports are power! i notice i do better even working on my video game, which is kind of a solitary endeavor, if i have someone near i can talk to (a coding duck).

[kyoryu]

This is maybe... tricky advice, since you can't completely control it, but: care.

And if you can't, fake it.

I'm kind of serious here. Ask questions. Ask what people like doing, ask about other stuff. People like to talk about themselves, and it's a good way to get to know them.

Just avoid hot button topics.

[Delicious Taffy]

Why do people keep acting like there's some secret art to starting a conversation? Literally all you have to do is pick something and start talking about it to somebody. That's it. It's not difficult in the slightest. If you're at a loss as to what, specifically, you could talk about, look around the room for like ten seconds. Unless the room is barren, I guaran-damn-tee you there's something in there that the other person will also be interesting in talking about. Talking to a fellow geek is easy as hell; just pick a book, movie, or TV show and get to gabbing. That's all a conversation is.

In case any of that flew over anyone's head, I'll summarise it. Find a person, pick something to talk about, and start talking. If you need a topic, choose one from context. Normally, I'd say "Screw small talk", but if that's what breaks the ice, the ice has still been broken. Again, this isn't as complicated as people psych themselves out thinking it is.

[BWR]

Why do people keep acting like there's some secret art to starting a conversation? Literally all you have to do is pick something and start talking about it to somebody. That's it. It's not difficult in the slightest. If you're at a loss as to what, specifically, you could talk about, look around the room for like ten seconds. Unless the room is barren, I guaran-damn-tee you there's something in there that the other person will also be interesting in talking about. Talking to a fellow geek is easy as hell; just pick a book, movie, or TV show and get to gabbing. That's all a conversation is.

In case any of that flew over anyone's head, I'll summarise it. Find a person, pick something to talk about, and start talking. If you need a topic, choose one from context. Normally, I'd say "Screw small talk", but if that's what breaks the ice, the ice has still been broken. Again, this isn't as complicated as people psych themselves out thinking it is.

Other useful pieces of advice include:

I don't know why losing weight is difficult, just eat less.

I don't see why quitting smoking is a big deal, just don't light one up.

I don't see why reading is so hard, just open a book and get going.

I don't see why suicidal depression is a thing, just try to be happy.

[Cozzer]

I don't see how helping people with their insecurities can be difficult, just tell them everything is simple and to magic their insecurities away.

[Eldan]

Why do people keep acting like there's some secret art to starting a conversation? Literally all you have to do is pick something and start talking about it to somebody. That's it. It's not difficult in the slightest. If you're at a loss as to what, specifically, you could talk about, look around the room for like ten seconds. Unless the room is barren, I guaran-damn-tee you there's something in there that the other person will also be interesting in talking about. Talking to a fellow geek is easy as hell; just pick a book, movie, or TV show and get to gabbing. That's all a conversation is.

In case any of that flew over anyone's head, I'll summarise it. Find a person, pick something to talk about, and start talking. If you need a topic, choose one from context. Normally, I'd say "Screw small talk", but if that's what breaks the ice, the ice has still been broken. Again, this isn't as complicated as people psych themselves out thinking it is.

See, for some people there is an Art to it. Look at High School me. If someone walked up to me and said, "Hey, how are you?" my reaction might have been "cough argh mmm uhm eeh fine sorry bye!" or it might have been two minutes of total silence except for panicked breathing and a deer in the headlights stare. Sometimes even happened when a teacher asked me a question I wasn't prepared for. Starting a conversation? Out of the question.



And if you can't, fake it.

I'm kind of serious here. Ask questions. Ask what people like doing, ask about other stuff. People like to talk about themselves, and it's a good way to get to know them.

Just avoid hot button topics.

This is the best. Now talking from experience, make sure you know what hot button topics are. These vary by culture and environment. Personal health is often out beyond the most superficial. If anyone mentions health problems, it's probably best to say nothing except "That sounds terrible". Politics is fine in some circles, but in many, it's not. Better not be the one starting it.
Actually, to generalize on the health thing: many nerds take a long time to learn this, but: People may want commiseration, not advice. If someone describes a problem to you, "This sounds terrible, poor you" may be what the want to hear, not "Have you tried". Unless it's a technical problem and they say they need help, be vaguely supportive, nothing more.

On the subject of questions: learn what open questions are. These are questions that allow the opponent to talk more. Just simple things like "And then what happened" or "Is it always like that" are good for that. Learn to ask these as appropriate.

[Xyril]

This is maybe... tricky advice, since you can't completely control it, but: care.


I think this is great advice.

I think pretty much everyone has a story to tell, something about them that you would genuinely find interesting to talk about for a while. People who are great at socializing (and not the ones who are just great at feigning interest) are the ones who can talk to someone at a party and get them to tell their story, and who can figure out what their own story is for someone.

What everyone else said about etiquette and hot button topics is important--you should certainly be aware and try to avoid these pitfalls. But I find that if you're sincere and people see that you care about making a genuine connection, they're generally willing to overlook small gaffes.

[Cozzer]

What everyone else said about etiquette and hot button topics is important--you should certainly be aware and try to avoid these pitfalls. But I find that if you're sincere and people see that you care about making a genuine connection, they're generally willing to overlook small gaffes.

True. And if they aren't willing to overlook small gaffes made by somebody who's genuinely trying to make a connection, then you're better without them anyway.

[Mikemical]

You can't make a plan and put things like relationships with other people in boxes and flowcharts.

My advise is the same as kyoryu's, fake it till you make it.

Delicius Taffy is right, anything can be a conversation starter, provided when and where you say it. "Nice weather we're having." is a classic opener, best used ironically when it's raining outside because using it on a sunny day has been done to death. Compliments are also good ways to get people to lower their defenses and let you in for a conversation. Just don't be creepy about it.

And by that I mean: don't say something like "Your hair smells nice" and then stare at them waiting for a reply. Actually, don't say anything about them smells nice. Just don't bring it up at all.

[Delicious Taffy]

Since my last bit of advice was deliberately misrepresented as "Just magic the problem away", here's another little nugget. If you find yourself at some sort of social gathering, look for a person who seems to feel as awkward as you do. Once they're located, your next step is to find the snack table and grab a couple of slices of pizza (or whatever else is there). It may seem primitive to just sit down and offer them food, but I swear to you that nothing breaks the ice better. Everybody loves food, after all. It's important, though, that you don't act like you've put something strange in it, and don't be too offended if they check it just in case.

[BWR]

Since my last bit of advice was deliberately misrepresented as "Just magic the problem away",

If you don't want people to misunderstand you then I suggest you do not use exactly the same sort of formulations of your points that ignorant people make about problems they have no knowledge of.

[Delicious Taffy]

If you don't want people to misunderstand you then I suggest you do not use exactly the same sort of formulations of your points that ignorant people make about problems they have no knowledge of.

If you can point out where I actually did that, sure, I'll do my best not to do it in the future. I gave very simple advice, broken down into a couple of easy steps, to make it more digestible. People think starting a conversation is difficult, so they hype it up in their heads, and end up not talking to anyone. If advice that plainly states "It's not so bad, and here's a guide to help you out" is being interpreted as as "If you're having a problem, just stop having the problem", I think that says more about the mindset of the reader than it does the giver of advice. I made my points concisely and in plain language.

Short version for those with poor reading comprehension: My initial advice was a set of simple steps to follow, which are intended to make a conversation seem like much less of an obstacle.

[Eldan]

You can't make a plan and put things like relationships with other people in boxes and flowcharts

I absolutely did flowchart conversations. Also, statistically analyze conversations I had for the success rate of different openings.

[TheManicMonocle]

So, I normally don't go out, I have no friends and I want to change that.

So following up all the advices form professionals and non-professionals I decided to join a hobby group who play games in the local game shop.

Got to say I recommend, socializing may be overrated, but it's also kind of fun to talk to someone who is nice and is there for you.

That being said I think I only said two phrases in a non-gaming context, how to deal with other humans? I don’t know how to start a conversation or do small talk… Any tips?

Many people love to talk about themselves; this isn't a criticism, it's just how it is. If you can't think of what to say, direct the conversation back to them.