Personal Woes and Advice 5

[Wristlet Eater]

It makes a difference to be able to turn to others on this forum for advice, compassion, and support when things are difficult. This is a unique community where friendship, kindness, and acceptance are the rule. Hurtful behavior is rare. When it does occur it is never tolerated, and the staff seek to prevent it from recurring, whether it was caused by a lapse in judgement or intentional cruelty.

It is therefore with great pleasure that I share with you the new rules that will allow friends on this forum to continue to help each other out and to maintain the bonds that grow when friends share their troubles.

I would like to emphasize that these rules are not mine, although I agree with them. The rules were the effort of the entire Giant in the Playground staff, who recognize the need for friends to share their troubles. It was hard work, and they deserve our thanks.

Part of the definition of friendship is the sharing of troubles. That is the goal of this thread: to share our problems in a way that strengthens our community. The new rules are devised to make this possible.

Please carefully read what follows:

THE RULES FOR THE PERSONAL WOES AND ADVICE THREAD

The Personal Woes and Advice thread is a place to discuss our daily troubles and seek advice on minor personal matters that get us down. For serious depression or mental health issues, please seek help from a professional.

Like many other threads here on GitP, we've got a number of rules to help set the tone and head off issues likely to arise in this kind of thread. Please read them carefully and follow them.

1. Of course, follow the Forum Rules (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/announcement.php?a=1). If you haven't read them recently (or ever - *gasp*), you should do so now. And giving them another read before you post something particularly emotionally charged or contentious might also be a good idea.

2. This thread is not for the treatment of or the discussion of the treatment of serious depression or mental health issues. Someone posting about those issues or seeking what would seem to call for licensed professional mental health advice should be referred to seek such advice. When in doubt, limit your response to friendly support and a suggestion to seek real world professional help. Think before you offer advice about how to be friendly, supportive, and not offer advice better left to a licensed professional in a professional setting.

3. Feel free to post here to share your feelings, vent, and request advice. It's perfectly fine if you just want to share or commiserate. If you want advice, ask; if you specifically don't want advice, just say so. If you want to be contacted via PM, say so; if not, say that.

4. Romantic issues are probably better discussed in the Relationship Woes and Advice (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?405876-Relationship-Woes-and-Advice-XXVI-Status-It-s-Complicated) thread.

5. No problem is too small or insignificant. If it's bothering you, feel free to share. People should refrain from weighing or comparing their problems to other people's problems. Minimizing someone's problems or comparing your problems to theirs isn't helpful or friendly. Please don't do that.

6. This is advice that you are getting from friends over the internet. Take it with a grain of salt. This advice is not professional, nor is it always the best.

7. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, seek professional help immediately!

8. Prescribing medication is something that requires multiple licenses. Please don't do that here or expect others to do that here. If you are on medication and find them not working or not working properly, call your doctor immediately.

9. Please, never suggest to someone that they harm themselves or others.

10. Remember, it is not your job to "fix" anyone here and it is not a requirement for posting here that a person wants to be, or wants their problem to be, "fixed."

And finally: Please remember your safety before posting any personal information or before giving or accepting any support. The following site provides some useful internet safety (http://www.atg.wa.gov/InternetSafety/Adults.aspx) guidance for adults.

Past Threads
Personal Woes and Advice (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?212744-Personal-Woes-and-Advice)
Personal Woes and Advice 2 (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?239960-Personal-Woes-and-Advice-2)
Personal Woes and Advice 3 (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?298976-Personal-Woes-and-Advice-3)
Personal Woes and Advice 4 (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?437736-Personal-Woes-and-Advice-4)

[AuthorGirl]

This is a really small problem, but how do I stop picking at my acne and my bug bites? It's weird, but I enjoy doing it. Some days, I'll even get a kind of satisfaction from picking off a scab and watching myself bleed. But I'm sick of giving myself scars. Anything that might help with breaking the habit?

[Lycunadari]

This is a really small problem, but how do I stop picking at my acne and my bug bites? It's weird, but I enjoy doing it. Some days, I'll even get a kind of satisfaction from picking off a scab and watching myself bleed. But I'm sick of giving myself scars. Anything that might help with breaking the habit?

Oh, hey, something I can help with for once! (Because I do this a lot myself)

1) Keep your fingernails short. Really short. It might not keep you from skin picking, but it can reduce the damage somewhat.
2) Keep your hands clean, and disinfect them a lot. That also doesn't top the picking itself, but it keeps the wounds from getting infected so they heal faster and cleaner.
3) Give your hands something else to do - I often don't even notice I'm picking at my skin again, I just need something to do with my fingers. A necklace with an interesting texture works, or maybe one of these currently popular fidget cubes.
4)Put something over the acne/bug bites. Normal bandaids work but are admittedly a bit awkward in the face. Hydrocolloid bandages are great - you can get some specifically made for acne or blisters, but it's much cheaper to get bigger ones and just cut of little pieces of them. They stop your fingers from getting to the acne, actively help with healing and are much less obvious than normal band aids (because they're translucent and you only need a piece slightly bigger than the spot you want to cover). Honestly, discovering I could use my leftover hydrocolloid bandages from when I skinned my hands was super helpful in getting my skin picking at least somewhat under control.
5) Something I haven't tried myself but imagine could be useful is using nail polish - the extra layer makes the nails less sharp, and the stiff feeling you get in your fingers might make picking less fun.
6) If all else fails, wear gloves.

You could also look up resources for people with dermatillomina - I'm sure you'll be able to find many more helpful tips.

[WarKitty]

I'm just sick. My throat's sore, I'm coughing, I have constant headaches, it feels like there's a pile of mucus in my throat, I'm gagging and choking, and I'm congested.

And this has been going on since April. I've been to the doctor multiple times, I'm on every allergy medication they make. And so far the response is "I dunno, maybe you're just really stressed out?" I'd go to another doctor but I'm honestly not even sure what one to go to, and my primary care is not helping.

[AuthorGirl]

Oh, hey, something I can help with for once! (Because I do this a lot myself)

1) Keep your fingernails short. Really short. It might not keep you from skin picking, but it can reduce the damage somewhat.
2) Keep your hands clean, and disinfect them a lot. That also doesn't top the picking itself, but it keeps the wounds from getting infected so they heal faster and cleaner.
3) Give your hands something else to do - I often don't even notice I'm picking at my skin again, I just need something to do with my fingers. A necklace with an interesting texture works, or maybe one of these currently popular fidget cubes.
4)Put something over the acne/bug bites. Normal bandaids work but are admittedly a bit awkward in the face. Hydrocolloid bandages are great - you can get some specifically made for acne or blisters, but it's much cheaper to get bigger ones and just cut of little pieces of them. They stop your fingers from getting to the acne, actively help with healing and are much less obvious than normal band aids (because they're translucent and you only need a piece slightly bigger than the spot you want to cover). Honestly, discovering I could use my leftover hydrocolloid bandages from when I skinned my hands was super helpful in getting my skin picking at least somewhat under control.
5) Something I haven't tried myself but imagine could be useful is using nail polish - the extra layer makes the nails less sharp, and the stiff feeling you get in your fingers might make picking less fun.
6) If all else fails, wear gloves.

You could also look up resources for people with dermatillomina - I'm sure you'll be able to find many more helpful tips.

Thank you so much! I already keep my fingernails quite short (and wear polish on occasion) but I'll be looking into your other suggestions. :smallsmile:

[Grytorm]

Hello, I'm feeling kind of depressed again. I'm studying abroad in Mexico to hopefully improve my language skills. The other students with me are nice, and the family I'm with are kind. Its just, I don't quite know how to be social and involve myself, and thats a bigger problem here. I just don't know what to do with myself.

[Icewraith]

I'm just sick. My throat's sore, I'm coughing, I have constant headaches, it feels like there's a pile of mucus in my throat, I'm gagging and choking, and I'm congested.

And this has been going on since April. I've been to the doctor multiple times, I'm on every allergy medication they make. And so far the response is "I dunno, maybe you're just really stressed out?" I'd go to another doctor but I'm honestly not even sure what one to go to, and my primary care is not helping.

Can you get tested for specific allergies? It's a lot easier to handle them when you know what you're actually allergic to, or not as the case may be. Also, does it get better or worse in certain locations?

Alternatively, if you're on every allergy medication but it's having no effect, stop taking them (maybe talk to your doctor about this) and see if things get worse.

[HalfTangible]

Can you get tested for specific allergies? It's a lot easier to handle them when you know what you're actually allergic to, or not as the case may be. Also, does it get better or worse in certain locations?

Alternatively, if you're on every allergy medication but it's having no effect, stop taking them (maybe talk to your doctor about this) and see if things get worse.

Yes, you can. My mother and I both got tested for allergies via our blood. I'm allergic to penicillin, sulfa drugs and white ash, but she's apparently allergic to dogs and every type of grass on the face of the earth.

Including one kind from sub-saharan Africa, a place no one in our family has ever been to AFAIK. =I

[zlefin]

I'm just sick. My throat's sore, I'm coughing, I have constant headaches, it feels like there's a pile of mucus in my throat, I'm gagging and choking, and I'm congested.

And this has been going on since April. I've been to the doctor multiple times, I'm on every allergy medication they make. And so far the response is "I dunno, maybe you're just really stressed out?" I'd go to another doctor but I'm honestly not even sure what one to go to, and my primary care is not helping.

which allergy meds are you on if you don't mind me asking?
stress can cause some symptoms; but there's also some things it can't cause; don't know which of yours are which.
it's been a very bad year for allergies; though it'd be surprising to have such strong symptoms if you've been on the meds for a long while.
would your primary care know anything about which docs to go to to try to get a better diagnosis?

[Algeh]

I'm just sick. My throat's sore, I'm coughing, I have constant headaches, it feels like there's a pile of mucus in my throat, I'm gagging and choking, and I'm congested.

And this has been going on since April. I've been to the doctor multiple times, I'm on every allergy medication they make. And so far the response is "I dunno, maybe you're just really stressed out?" I'd go to another doctor but I'm honestly not even sure what one to go to, and my primary care is not helping.

If it's allergies, you may have to make changes in your environment to really get feeling better. Many years ago, I lived in an apartment which we nicknamed "The Mold Pit" (among other issues, it had a leaking water heater that the management company knew about but did not bother to fix). My then-roommate and I both became so ill we eventually had to move out, but I'm still sensitized to mold about a decade later and get sick easily in moldy environments.

If you're not sure if it's environmental, you can see if you get feeling better or worse when you're in certain places (home, work, etc), which may give you a clue. Try spending less of your spare time at home if possible and if you think it might be an environmental allergen at your home (I was in grad school at the time, so I tried studying in the school library rather than my apartment, for example).

If your insurance will cover it, you could try seeing an allergist. I haven't been to one in many years since my allergies tend to be controlled through avoidance of triggers, but they could be helpful in figuring out what you are specifically allergic to and what kinds of treatments to try.

[Luz]

How to deal with a loved one who is slowly losing her mind but had bad experiences with therapy before?

[Cozzer]

How to deal with a loved one who is slowly losing her mind but had bad experiences with therapy before?

It depends on how close you are to this person, but in case you're close enough to feel responsible for them, this is your number one priority: don't you lose your mind. Estabilish healthy boundaries, don't make helping this person a duty or the goal of your life, accept the premise that you are just one of the many factors that will determine the outcome.

That said, it depends on how exactly this person is "losing her mind", and how bad it is right now... you could try to make her talk with people who've had good experiences with therapy, especially if their problems were similar to the ones she's having. They're usually the best people at convincing others to give it a try.

Whatever you choose, the very fact that you're making an effort will help her a bit, even if it might not seem like it. But always remember the number one priority.

[WarKitty]

I've seen an allergist, we did allergy testing, which shows I do have allergies, definitely. But the medications are still leaving me feeling pretty miserable. There's also the issue that I suspect the biggest environmental allergen is happening at work rather than at home. But I don't know what specifically would be causing it, so there's not really a whole lot I can do.

The allergist really doesn't have a whole lot of suggestions other than that I can do allergy shots. Which is a nice idea, but that's the sort of thing that might work 2 years later.

[2D8HP]

...There's also the issue that I suspect the biggest environmental allergen is happening at work rather than at home....


That's very frustrating. It seems that 9//10th of the time the solution to any ailments is to quit ones job, but then you lose health insurance.

:sigh:


.....The allergist really doesn't have a whole lot of suggestions other than that I can do allergy shots. Which is a nice idea, but that's the sort of thing that might work 2 years later.


My wife did them. They were effective, but it does take that long.

[zlefin]

I've seen an allergist, we did allergy testing, which shows I do have allergies, definitely. But the medications are still leaving me feeling pretty miserable. There's also the issue that I suspect the biggest environmental allergen is happening at work rather than at home. But I don't know what specifically would be causing it, so there's not really a whole lot I can do.

The allergist really doesn't have a whole lot of suggestions other than that I can do allergy shots. Which is a nice idea, but that's the sort of thing that might work 2 years later.

you must be on some major stuff if it's leaving you feeling bad.
do you have an air purifier at work? If the job is mostly at one place at a desk or something then an air purifier might help. Otherwise, I dunno, you could try wearing a breathing mask to help filter stuff out, though it's weird having one on for an extended period.

[WarKitty]

I don't think an air purifier would be effective with the office we have. I have a desk but the floor plan is completely open, everything's in one giant warehouse-sized room. So I doubt running a little unit would really help. And I have to be able to answer the phone so a mask might be difficult.

I probably need to see an ENT, I wonder if I have another sinus infection. But I've already been on antibiotics twice this year.

[zlefin]

if the air purifier is only a few feet away from you there's still some benefit even if the overall room is too large for the purifier. at least it may be depending on how the airflow is. They can be rather noisy though, which would also probably interfere with phone calls. I can't think of anything else that might help.

[HalfTangible]

I've seen an allergist, we did allergy testing, which shows I do have allergies, definitely. But the medications are still leaving me feeling pretty miserable. There's also the issue that I suspect the biggest environmental allergen is happening at work rather than at home. But I don't know what specifically would be causing it, so there's not really a whole lot I can do.

The allergist really doesn't have a whole lot of suggestions other than that I can do allergy shots. Which is a nice idea, but that's the sort of thing that might work 2 years later.

My mother's taking allergy shots. It started helping within a month or so, though AFAICT it's not a cure.

[DataNinja]

My mother's taking allergy shots. It started helping within a month or so, though AFAICT it's not a cure.

My brother took allergy shots for a few years, and his allergies are basically gone now. The most important thing is that you cannot slack off on taking the shots even once. It means they have to change the dosage, try and compensate, and that makes it less effective. The more you deviate from the schedule, the less effective it'll be in the end.

[WarKitty]

My brother took allergy shots for a few years, and his allergies are basically gone now. The most important thing is that you cannot slack off on taking the shots even once. It means they have to change the dosage, try and compensate, and that makes it less effective. The more you deviate from the schedule, the less effective it'll be in the end.

Part of my worry is when I'd take allergy shots. If I'm looking at jobs, and my allergist's office is only open during normal working hours, and with the kind of jobs I'm looking at being off for a little bit during work hours is just not reasonable.

[Chen]

Lunch time? Or skipping lunches/breaks and leaving a bit early now and then? Im sure some jobs are not terribly flexible, but there's usually at least some leeway.

Course depending on how far from the place of work the doctor's office is, there could be a problem.

[WarKitty]

Lunch time? Or skipping lunches/breaks and leaving a bit early now and then? Im sure some jobs are not terribly flexible, but there's usually at least some leeway.

Course depending on how far from the place of work the doctor's office is, there could be a problem.

Allergy shots typically require you to wait in the office 30min after getting a shot, to ensure there isn't a serious reaction. The trouble is I'm in call center type of work, where your entire job description is to be there to answer the phone. Schedule flexibility is hard because there's a good chance they don't need you at other times. It also means eating at your desk isn't typically allowed.

[togapika]

Is there a place/person/website I can go to that will give me a dietary regimen to follow, but also a shopping list?

I belong to a gym that offers a suggested daily intake with recipes, but I also need something where I can go to the store and know what to buy and inm what quantities for the period of time (week or whatever)

[Luz]

It depends on how close you are to this person, but in case you're close enough to feel responsible for them, this is your number one priority: don't you lose your mind. Estabilish healthy boundaries, don't make helping this person a duty or the goal of your life, accept the premise that you are just one of the many factors that will determine the outcome.

That said, it depends on how exactly this person is "losing her mind", and how bad it is right now... you could try to make her talk with people who've had good experiences with therapy, especially if their problems were similar to the ones she's having. They're usually the best people at convincing others to give it a try.

Whatever you choose, the very fact that you're making an effort will help her a bit, even if it might not seem like it. But always remember the number one priority.

Ok, if I haven't doen that already?

It's my mom, and she is just had psychotic breakdown today.

I can't take this anymore.

[WarKitty]

Ok, if I haven't doen that already?

It's my mom, and she is just had psychotic breakdown today.

I can't take this anymore.

Practical advice: Do you know, or can you find out, any medical professional that she's seeing, preferably a primary care doctor? If so, I would give them a call. Say that you're not asking that they disclose any information to you, but that you believe your mother is having problems because of X, and that you are unable to continue in the support role that you've been in. Ask them if there are any support services that you can contact. If you can't reach them, ask your own doctor. Medical professionals tend to know a lot of resources.

[Luz]

Practical advice: Do you know, or can you find out, any medical professional that she's seeing, preferably a primary care doctor? If so, I would give them a call. Say that you're not asking that they disclose any information to you, but that you believe your mother is having problems because of X, and that you are unable to continue in the support role that you've been in. Ask them if there are any support services that you can contact. If you can't reach them, ask your own doctor. Medical professionals tend to know a lot of resources.

When she married my father she had her first... problem. She was institutionalized but never convinced that she is insane. For her it was a spiritual thing.

It was a very traumatic thing for her so she won't be ok going on a doctor if it's for her mental help since she doesn't think she is crazy, but she thinks the doctors will say she is.

[Chen]

When she married my father she had her first... problem. She was institutionalized but never convinced that she is insane. For her it was a spiritual thing.

It was a very traumatic thing for her so she won't be ok going on a doctor if it's for her mental help since she doesn't think she is crazy, but she thinks the doctors will say she is.

While crazy is somewhat derogatory if she just had a psychotic breakdown she has a mental health problem and it needs to be dealt with by professionals. I presume she's not endangering herself or others, so I'd try to have some rational discussion with her to get SOME help (convince her medication or something else a doctor can provide will help or something). Worst case (or if she is becoming a danger) you may need to have her involuntarily committed so she can get help.

[WarKitty]

When she married my father she had her first... problem. She was institutionalized but never convinced that she is insane. For her it was a spiritual thing.

It was a very traumatic thing for her so she won't be ok going on a doctor if it's for her mental help since she doesn't think she is crazy, but she thinks the doctors will say she is.

There may be other options - for example, a professional aide that could visit.

[Cozzer]

Ok, if I haven't doen that already?

It's my mom, and she is just had psychotic breakdown today.

I can't take this anymore.

Oh, crap. I'm really sorry for you. It's super-extra hard, when it's a parent.

I'm going to be the voice of cynicism here, and repeat that your first, absolute priority is to save yourself, even if it means "abandoning" a person in need of help, even if it's a person you deeply care for. It's never a child's responsability to deal with their parent's issues. If you can do something to help without sacrificing yourself do it, obiviously, but it is not your duty.

By which I mean, short term: your mother doesn't trust therapy but from the way you phrased that I'm going to assume you do, so get yourself to a therapist/counselor/whatever as soon as you can, if you can. Don't kid yourself with lines like "she's the one who needs help", the fact that one of your parents had a psychotic breakdown means that you need help too, and the fact that you used such a phrasing as "I can't take this anymore" means that you need help now.

Long term, start looking for ways to put some physical distance between you and the whole situation, if it's physically/economically possible (are you underage? do you have a stable-ish income?). Even if you want to help your mother, it's way easier to help a person caught in a storm from the outside of the storm. The best way you have to help her is to take care of yourself.

[Luz]

Oh, crap. I'm really sorry for you. It's super-extra hard, when it's a parent.

I'm going to be the voice of cynicism here, and repeat that your first, absolute priority is to save yourself, even if it means "abandoning" a person in need of help, even if it's a person you deeply care for. It's never a child's responsability to deal with their parent's issues. If you can do something to help without sacrificing yourself do it, obiviously, but it is not your duty.

By which I mean, short term: your mother doesn't trust therapy but from the way you phrased that I'm going to assume you do, so get yourself to a therapist/counselor/whatever as soon as you can, if you can. Don't kid yourself with lines like "she's the one who needs help", the fact that one of your parents had a psychotic breakdown means that you need help too, and the fact that you used such a phrasing as "I can't take this anymore" means that you need help now.

Long term, start looking for ways to put some physical distance between you and the whole situation, if it's physically/economically possible (are you underage? do you have a stable-ish income?). Even if you want to help your mother, it's way easier to help a person caught in a storm from the outside of the storm. The best way you have to help her is to take care of yourself.

Well, that's too late now I had to give up a new, better job oportunity yesterday to take care of her.

I'm at the moment waiting for the doctor. It's 06:21 around here I had hopes she would be better by now.

I work at a ****ty job, teaching at a small university, it's enougth to live by myself, I'm only still living with my parents because my father has a hystory of abusing her and even assaulting her, she won't leave him or the house.

Leave that's your advice? I ca't leave now. I guess I'm doomed. Even worst those things are genetic rigth? That means I'll get crazy too one day.

[Cozzer]

God, that's... horrible.

Ok, part one. The predisposition towards these things might be genetic. What happens to you in the future, and what you're going to become, is entirely in your hands right now. But you need some heavy and professional support, and you need it right now.

With that out of the way, well... I'm really sorry for saying this, but if my previous opinion was "you're probably going to need to leave at a certain point in the future", my opinion now is "you need to get the **** out of there so fast that you leave a blazing trail behind you".

I realize that you care for your mother, but you need to care for you. She's an adult, and the fact that she chooses to stay in a burning building does not mean that you have to burn to death too. Caring for her is a job for medical professionals and/or the police, depending on how far your father has gone. If these people can't or won't do their job, it's literally physically impossible for you to do it.

Is there a way you might get a second chance with that better job opportunity? And even if you're not willing to go live by yourself right now, why don't you start looking around, comparing prices? Just in case. Start imagining how your life might become if you manage to free yourself from this trainwreck, to get a better job, to get your own place.

Give yourself permission to only care about your own happiness. For what is worth, I'm giving you that permission with all my strength. Maybe, I don't know, decide you're going to shut out every external problem for an hour a day, and dedicate that hour to thinking and planning your own life, solving your own problems, following your own ambitions.

All of the above is my personal advice, obiviously. But whatever you do, you need to focus on yourself for a while. You don't exist for the sake of dealing with your parents' wrong choices or illnesses. You exist for the sake of having a good life.

[Thrawn4]

Allergy shots typically require you to wait in the office 30min after getting a shot, to ensure there isn't a serious reaction. The trouble is I'm in call center type of work, where your entire job description is to be there to answer the phone. Schedule flexibility is hard because there's a good chance they don't need you at other times. It also means eating at your desk isn't typically allowed.
Maybe you could ask a colleague to do your shift or help you out in some way, so that you could go to the doctor in the meantime?

If you don't mind my asking, why do you think the allergies are work related? Did they start after you began your new job?

[WarKitty]

Maybe you could ask a colleague to do your shift or help you out in some way, so that you could go to the doctor in the meantime?

If you don't mind my asking, why do you think the allergies are work related? Did they start after you began your new job?

It's not a matter of asking a colleague to do your shift. It's that you have to put in 40 hours a week between whatever time they open in the morning, and whatever time they close at night. If your window for allergy shots is 10am-4pm during the week, that doesn't leave a lot of time.

[Thrawn4]

Leave that's your advice? I ca't leave now. I guess I'm doomed. Even worst those things are genetic rigth? That means I'll get crazy too one day.
First of all, no, you are not doomed. And yes, I am just a random stranger on the internet, how would I know? There are several good answers to that.

1. Medical records indicate that, while genetics are a potential factor, environmental circumstances and living conditions are important as well. (source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181718/)
First order of the day would therefore be to avoid a self-fulfilling prophecy by no longer assuming that your default state is "being doomed".

2. Leaving your mother would help you in terms of self-protection, which is a valid option. However, you can also go for fighing/supporting, which seems to be what you did. Between these two extremes, there are obviously several options, like staying and dedicating some time to yourself (as others have pointed out). So everytime you feel that it becomes to much, take more time for yourself. The important thing to remember is that you can change the focus any time you wish! As long as you do not relinquish your control, changes are very high you are not doomed (because you can change your course).

[Thrawn4]

It's not a matter of asking a colleague to do your shift. It's that you have to put in 40 hours a week between whatever time they open in the morning, and whatever time they close at night. If your window for allergy shots is 10am-4pm during the week, that doesn't leave a lot of time.
So the problem is that you might not fulfill your work time quota?
Maybe you could talk to your employer, explain the situation and work something out? Like, if you take your shots around 3.30 PM you might miss out an hour per week, but maybe there is a way to collect extra hours (e. g. taking a vacation day but still coming to work)?

[Zurvan]

Leave that's your advice? I ca't leave now. I guess I'm doomed. Even worst those things are genetic rigth? That means I'll get crazy too one day.
From my experience you either leave all this mess behind and never look back.

Or stay and babysit your parents for your entire life until you are old and bitter.

None of them will be nice.

[2D8HP]

...If you don't mind my asking, why do you think the allergies are work related? Did they start after you began your new job?


WarKitty knows best, but FWIW in my experience two months of unemployment is great for my health, I feel so much better, and after five months of unemployment my hands start to look clean, family life improves, really if it wasn't for the poverty that results I'd really recommend avoiding paid employment.

[WarKitty]

So the problem is that you might not fulfill your work time quota?
Maybe you could talk to your employer, explain the situation and work something out? Like, if you take your shots around 3.30 PM you might miss out an hour per week, but maybe there is a way to collect extra hours (e. g. taking a vacation day but still coming to work)?

Vacation accrual is usually not enough to account for that. In many jobs you don't even start accruing vacation until 6 months in, and getting (likely) 2h off a week is just not going to happen.

[Algeh]

Vacation accrual is usually not enough to account for that. In many jobs you don't even start accruing vacation until 6 months in, and getting (likely) 2h off a week is just not going to happen.

You could try using sick leave, but my guess is that you don't get enough of that, either. I'm not sure if this is something you could use FMLA leave for, but that's unpaid anyway.

I've worked in call centers that had other-coast (in my specific case, getting in extra-early to be on "East Coast Time", presumably staying late would be the equivalent on the east coast), evening, and weekend shifts available, but that obviously varies by center and if that were an option for you I assume you would have already tried it. I'm guessing you've also tried calling multiple allergy clinics, but if not trying larger clinics rather than small practices might be a good way to find ones where someone works evenings or weekends.


Even worst those things are genetic rigth? That means I'll get crazy too one day.

I've lived my whole life under that shadow, and all I can say is maybe, but maybe not, and it does not help to spend your life with everyone waiting to see if you end up "crazy just like [relative's name]". Sure, keep an eye out for tendencies in that direction, and if it's something that might be triggered by certain specific things keep that in mind as you make life decisions, but everyone waiting around to see if you're going to develop a specific mental illness or not before getting your life started is NOT HELPFUL. (My mother spent my entire childhood keeping an eye out to see if I'd be "crazy like aunt so-and-so" because I was a smart, quirky kid and kind of reminded the family of that aunt in some ways. Turns out I have an entirely different set of issues than my aunt, and worrying that I'd have a specific kind of mental illness someday did not help my actual issues get diagnosed any sooner.)

[WarKitty]

You could try using sick leave, but my guess is that you don't get enough of that, either. I'm not sure if this is something you could use FMLA leave for, but that's unpaid anyway.

I've worked in call centers that had other-coast (in my specific case, getting in extra-early to be on "East Coast Time", presumably staying late would be the equivalent on the east coast), evening, and weekend shifts available, but that obviously varies by center and if that were an option for you I assume you would have already tried it. I'm guessing you've also tried calling multiple allergy clinics, but if not trying larger clinics rather than small practices might be a good way to find ones where someone works evenings or weekends.

Well, the thing right now is, yes, it would work with my current job, but once you start you have to stay faithful for a long time, and I'm looking for a new job, but I don't know when I might or might not get one or what hours I would have to work.

[Alent]

Just venting some about health stuff:

At some point, I think I'm going to need to start seeking treatment for my anxiety.

I've been on a roadtrip with my family for 3, going on 4 weeks now to get away from the stress and pattern of home life to hopefully make progress on my projects that I hope will get me out of my job, and every time the phone rings it sets me back to being too anxious to work meaningfully on things. In ways it's as bad as if I were still at home.

After a while the jitters subside a bit and I can start to resume work on more complicated things, but it takes too long and I often end up losing my momentum while basically waiting for my nerves to subside enough that I can parse the code I wrote. I don't know why my IT job shakes me up like this, but it does and I really have no options for getting away from it.

Other than that, I've still got some medical crap clinging on from the accident, I can't believe it's been a year already. I have an upcoming surgery on my thumb to fix where the airbag cover hinging across it messed things up, but no answers as to why my left side neck muscles are defensively spasming. One of these days I will get an answer, but for now that answer lies on the other side of a lot of insurance personnel who are employed for the sole purpose of denying people like me the financial assistance needed to find those answers. :smallfrown:

On the bright side, I've been getting a lot of gaming in, since the anxiety puts me in a good "nervous fidget"
space for doing that. Really making good progress on my Steam + HumbleBundle backlog.

[dehro]

Just venting some about health stuff:

At some point, I think I'm going to need to start seeking treatment for my anxiety.

I've been on a roadtrip with my family for 3, going on 4 weeks now to get away from the stress and pattern of home life to hopefully make progress on my projects that I hope will get me out of my job, and every time the phone rings it sets me back to being too anxious to work meaningfully on things. In ways it's as bad as if I were still at home.


heu... turn it off?
I'm leaving for holidays in a few hours. I need my phone for other things, but I'm not going to answer any phone related calls. likewise, I've got my laptop with me, but won't be opening my email except for holiday related things... if at all.

[Wristlet Eater]

There's this drawing I did, which is not a bad drawing. I'm even proud of the work I put into it, but somehow the thing itself I just can't stand the sight of and I don't even know why. It's really frustrating.

[Icewraith]

Well, the thing right now is, yes, it would work with my current job, but once you start you have to stay faithful for a long time, and I'm looking for a new job, but I don't know when I might or might not get one or what hours I would have to work.

This sounds like a question for the Allergy specialist, I'm sure they've had to deal with this before.

But avoiding treatment because there might be a schedule conflict with an unknown potential future job when you're miserable NOW seems like a bad trade-off.

[WarKitty]

This sounds like a question for the Allergy specialist, I'm sure they've had to deal with this before.

But avoiding treatment because there might be a schedule conflict with an unknown potential future job when you're miserable NOW seems like a bad trade-off.

The allergist's only advice was "find a doctor's office with weekend hours." Which I haven't been able to do.

The thing with allergy shots is (1) it will take at least 6 months to see results, and (2) if you discontinue at any point the previous treatments are wasted.

[Luz]

From my experience you either leave all this mess behind and never look back.

Or stay and babysit your parents for your entire life until you are old and bitter.

None of them will be nice.

I think I will take the second:smallannoyed:

[Recherché]

Quick question Luz but if there's domestic violence going on would calling the police in be an option? Especially if you could record evidence of it.

[Luz]

Quick question Luz but if there's domestic violence going on would calling the police in be an option? Especially if you could record evidence of it.

I did once, but my mom dropped the charges and got depressed again, she doesn't want her reputation to be ruined because of a jerk.

[Alent]

heu... turn it off?
I'm leaving for holidays in a few hours. I need my phone for other things, but I'm not going to answer any phone related calls. likewise, I've got my laptop with me, but won't be opening my email except for holiday related things... if at all.

Lucky. I wish I could get away with that. Unfortunately, I am with my family on this trip, the same family with whom I am in business which means when clients fail to get me they get dad who gets me and has me talk to them and at that point I can't refuse them without causing even more trouble, stress, and anxiety.

All I can really do is vent and hope the gorram phone doesn't ring. (It rang 4 times while writing this post.)


Edit:

The thing with allergy shots is (1) it will take at least 6 months to see results, and (2) if you discontinue at any point the previous treatments are wasted.

Speaking as someone who lived on Allergy shots from as young as I can remember until adulthood, you will begin to experience some minor benefits within a few weeks to a month. Maintenance Dose (Which I assume is what they're indirectly referring to with the 6 month figure) took so long for me to reach due to me frequently reacting to the last two vials. We typically ran out of the last vial after I hit maintenance for a month or so, forcing them to order new vials and practically starting over. So I don't place much stock in the upper end, but the low to middle end will definitely help.

As to getting shots, I can't remember if you're in the US, but if you are, look around for those weird mini corner clinics. Where I live we have one chain called a qwikcare that's open until 8pm, and has a general care family practice in it. If you can find one like it willing to administer your shots, just swing by on your way home from work.

[Florian]

How to deal with a loved one who is slowly losing her mind but had bad experiences with therapy before?

Protect yourself from being dragged down by it.

It might sound heartless, but you must force yourself to see a sharp separation between the person and the mental illness and judge when the later begins to be the dominant part. At that point, the only responsible thing to do is ignoring the wishes and past experiences of the affected person and get her hospitalized, else a deteriorating condition will lead to the original person be beyond saving.

You do know by first hand experience that your mum is beyond acting rational, starting with your "gay-treatment", rationalizing things as "religious experience" and how she handles the abuse. The situation can only worsen from here on out, and it´s already very bad. Loving her can only mean "disrespecting" her and her wishes and do what is necessary.

[Jon_Dahl]

I have been suffering from anxiety for three months now and it has been pretty bad. I have been thinking about writing this message ever since it all started.

Six years ago I started to study English as a hobby. Gradually it got out of hand and I decided to apply to study English Philology in a university. I was surprised when I passed, I hadn't anticipated that. I had applied mostly because I wanted an excuse to read the interesting entrance exam books and to tell my English teacher how close I was and how hard I had tried. I have already told this story here and I have told you that I felt nervous about starting my studies. However, I soon noticed that there are better students than me and worse students than me. My studies went well and to be honest, I've had a blast. I've had a blast even when things have looked sour. Does that even make sense?

Now everything is about to change.

I will have to do teacher training. That means that I have teach adolescents how write and speak proper and grammatical English. I feel absolutely terrified about this. I think I'm not good enough for this. I can't teach anyone how to be a proficient English speaker. For instance, I played D&D with my friends a week ago and I forgot how to pronounce "opaque". I said [o'pa:k]. I felt terrible.

I have visited a doctor and he has given me medication so that I can sleep and relax. We made no further plans regarding my treatment.

(Sorry, I didn't notice the new thread)

[Florian]

@Jon:

It´s generally good to be critical with your own abilities, so to not suffer from overconfidence in the wrong place. Awareness of your own failures is a good thing. But you forget that you have reached the ability to see and identify your own mistakes, which might set the bar for your expectations, but has nothing to do with teaching people the basics, who´ll mostly never know what kind of mistakes you see yourself making as they must reach the necessary point of having gained knowledge first.

Put simply, knowing the word "opaque" already puts your grammar ahead of a huge part of native english speakers, being able to pronounce it correctly is not all that critical an ability.

[WarKitty]

Bleh.

I was talking to someone online about moving out as a young adult, and she said something like "you know it's time to move out when the house rules no longer work for you." And my first reaction there was, by that logic, I should have moved out at age 13 or so.

The house rules never "worked" for me. They were something you tried your best to avoid. We were talking about respect, and I realized I never remember respecting my mother. I was afraid of her as a child, but respect? No way.

Not really asking for advice here. It just hurts, and I know there's nothing I can do to make what I really want happen.

[RazorChain]

I have been suffering from anxiety for three months now and it has been pretty bad. I have been thinking about writing this message ever since it all started.

Six years ago I started to study English as a hobby. Gradually it got out of hand and I decided to apply to study English Philology in a university. I was surprised when I passed, I hadn't anticipated that. I had applied mostly because I wanted an excuse to read the interesting entrance exam books and to tell my English teacher how close I was and how hard I had tried. I have already told this story here and I have told you that I felt nervous about starting my studies. However, I soon noticed that there are better students than me and worse students than me. My studies went well and to be honest, I've had a blast. I've had a blast even when things have looked sour. Does that even make sense?

Now everything is about to change.

I will have to do teacher training. That means that I have teach adolescents how write and speak proper and grammatical English. I feel absolutely terrified about this. I think I'm not good enough for this. I can't teach anyone how to be a proficient English speaker. For instance, I played D&D with my friends a week ago and I forgot how to pronounce "opaque". I said [o'pa:k]. I felt terrible.

I have visited a doctor and he has given me medication so that I can sleep and relax. We made no further plans regarding my treatment.

(Sorry, I didn't notice the new thread)


I'm a confident alpha male that has been in leadership positions most of my adult life. So let me tell you most everyone feels insecure at some point. When you leave your comfort zone and think you don't know what the heck you are doing then that nagging feeling enters your life. When you start your training and start to feel mastery then this feeling will hopefully go away, it's like this for many who start a new job or in a new school.

I've met English teachers who speak worse English than I and I've only spent 3 days in an English speaking country and I have no advance studies in English. I've lived 10 years in a foreign country and I don't pronounce everything correctly....and that's hundreds of hours of hands on training. Just remember it's alright to make an error or a mistake, nobody will die because of a smelling pistake or a wrong pronunciation.

[factotum]

For instance, I played D&D with my friends a week ago and I forgot how to pronounce "opaque". I said [o'pa:k]. I felt terrible.


Mispronouncing a word is not the end of the world. Even native English speakers do it, especially if it's a word like "opaque" which is not commonly used. So long as your students can be understood when speaking English then I would call that a good job on your behalf, and since your written English is very good, that should be achievable, surely?

[Thrawn4]

I have been suffering from anxiety for three months now and it has been pretty bad. I have been thinking about writing this message ever since it all started.

Six years ago I started to study English as a hobby. Gradually it got out of hand and I decided to apply to study English Philology in a university. I was surprised when I passed, I hadn't anticipated that. I had applied mostly because I wanted an excuse to read the interesting entrance exam books and to tell my English teacher how close I was and how hard I had tried. I have already told this story here and I have told you that I felt nervous about starting my studies. However, I soon noticed that there are better students than me and worse students than me. My studies went well and to be honest, I've had a blast. I've had a blast even when things have looked sour. Does that even make sense?

Now everything is about to change.

I will have to do teacher training. That means that I have teach adolescents how write and speak proper and grammatical English. I feel absolutely terrified about this. I think I'm not good enough for this. I can't teach anyone how to be a proficient English speaker. For instance, I played D&D with my friends a week ago and I forgot how to pronounce "opaque". I said [o'pa:k]. I felt terrible.

I have visited a doctor and he has given me medication so that I can sleep and relax. We made no further plans regarding my treatment.

(Sorry, I didn't notice the new thread)

I know how you feel. I am a trainee teacher for English, and in three weeks I am going to have my own classes with English students. I am still flabbergasted that I am to be responsible for REAL CHILDREN! I mean, me? For real?
Luckily there are a lot of other trainee teachers as well, so we can compare our experiences.
Sometimes I doubt my own abilities, but that seems to be par for the course as many of my new colleagues have similar issues.
Sometimes I also forget how to pronounce a certain word or I wonder about a grammar rule that I really should know. Kind of demotivating, but usually I remember them the next day and I realize that I should not worry about the details. I mean, it is not like I won't prepare myself if I have to teach a certain topic. In my limited experience it is always worthwhile to prepare and even to look up the basics, and I know I can do better then. Additionally, I have seen many teachers make mistakes on occasion, like spelling a word wrong (btw, just know I wondered for a while why I did not write "wrongly" in this sentence, because it should be an adverb).
But yeah, as others have pointed out, if you can point out more of your English flaws now than you could before, it just means that your English improved.
Every teacher I have ever met has told me that the beginning is difficult, but that you get used to it after a while.

If you would like to, we could share experiences and even brainstorm some ideas, unite our power and stuff :smallwink:

[Jon_Dahl]

Thank you for the support, everyone, and sorry if I seem a bit lethargic. It's just that I feel paralyzed. RazorChain mentioned "nagging feeling" and that is something that I have as well, including constant terror.

Factotum's comment "So long as your students can be understood when speaking English then I would call that a good job on your behalf" got me thinking. I'm not trying to work miracles here. I'm just helping them to improve their English from X to X+1. And X will never be "native fluency". Not even close.


If you would like to, we could share experiences and even brainstorm some ideas, unite our power and stuff

I would like that, very much, and I'm glad that someone in the same situation read my post. Would it be too much if I sent you my Skype username via PM?

[Thrawn4]

I would like that, very much, and I'm glad that someone in the same situation read my post. Would it be too much if I sent you my Skype username via PM?
Not at all, but I use it only occasionally, so we should plan a session beforehand.

[Saint Jimmy]

Ugh. My mother is back into her "All this fantasy (D&D and other RPGs and horror (Lovecraft, I don't have the stomach for any other horror) must make you see the world horribly" phase.
She just doesn't realize that it's fun, a pastime, a way to express my creativity and hang out with friends. And honestly Lovecraft is so "out there" that it hardly classifies as horror in my opinion in the first place.

She has back and forth between encouraging my d&d stuff for the reasons I listed above and this ever since

I chose to not be confirmed by my church months ago, just because I just felt that I wasn't ready for it. That put me into a really bad spot emotionally, as I was wracked by feelings of inadequacy and stuff because literally EVERYONE else was being confirmed.

That's when this whole thing first started. She started really scrutinizing all the areas of my life she thought could have been causing this, and eventually settled on fantasy. (Even though I already explained many times in detail why I was feeling so bad about stuff.)

I totally get where she is coming from, she just wants to keep me from going through that again. But the things she is focusing on are not what contributed to that emotionally dark time at all. I try to explain this, but she just doesn't get it. Do any of you have any advice? I hate to have this scrutiny over my harmless pastimes, and I hate that somehow I made her feel upset over said pastimes.

Sorry for the rambling post, this is frustrating as I don't like to see my mom worried and I don't wanna end up losing my main hobby. (Also one of my only "group" oriented ones, I'm pretty introverted and I tend to be bad around people unless it's my band or d&d friends, or neighbors, pretty much all the freinds I have.)

[Recherché]

I chose not to get confirmed and eventually left the church myself. My dad was a little upset about it and tried to blame it on me going to public school and not a religious school. However he got over it a few days after I started explaining why I didn't feel that I could chose confirmation honestly when I still had my doubts. I don't know if your mother or your situation but going over why you don't feel you're ready might help. Alternatively explaining your situation to one of the priests and then asking them to talk to your mother might work.

[Saint Jimmy]

So she actually knows that I'm not ready, the reason, etc. and is completely ok with it, it just seems that when I was feeling really crap oh about it, she had to find another explanation, and eventually started wondering if "fantasy*" was making me see the world poorly and causing it. Now she goes back and forth from encouraging my hobby and getting really concerned without any reason to.

This started to get worse a while back after my last Call of Cthulhu game. She shut it down because she said it was too violent and innapropiate. (my freinds were being stereotypical 14 year old males the whole session) I talked with her about some ways I could change up my games to make them less of a concern, and I have been following them.
The suspicion, for lack of a better term, just seems to come out of nowhere now.

[Mith]

I have been suffering from anxiety for three months now and it has been pretty bad. I have been thinking about writing this message ever since it all started.

Six years ago I started to study English as a hobby. Gradually it got out of hand and I decided to apply to study English Philology in a university. I was surprised when I passed, I hadn't anticipated that. I had applied mostly because I wanted an excuse to read the interesting entrance exam books and to tell my English teacher how close I was and how hard I had tried. I have already told this story here and I have told you that I felt nervous about starting my studies. However, I soon noticed that there are better students than me and worse students than me. My studies went well and to be honest, I've had a blast. I've had a blast even when things have looked sour. Does that even make sense?

Now everything is about to change.

I will have to do teacher training. That means that I have teach adolescents how write and speak proper and grammatical English. I feel absolutely terrified about this. I think I'm not good enough for this. I can't teach anyone how to be a proficient English speaker. For instance, I played D&D with my friends a week ago and I forgot how to pronounce "opaque". I said [o'pa:k]. I felt terrible.

I have visited a doctor and he has given me medication so that I can sleep and relax. We made no further plans regarding my treatment.

(Sorry, I didn't notice the new thread)

As someone with English as a first language, I often rely on spell check to find my (many) errors, and often find myself Googling words to make sure I actually know what it means. And I'm the person that used to read a novel or three a week.

As for proper pronunciation, as someone who cannot hear a good chunk of spoken sounds (High frequency sounds such as s,sh,ch,k, and so on), and has worked with a lot of people who have English as a second or third language, you should do well enough to give your students proficiency in the language. Mastery only comes from experience.

[HalfTangible]

So.

For the last few weeks, my younger dog (5 y.o. lab) hasn't been eating properly. At first they thought it was tonsilitis, so they gave him some meds. When I brought him back in the other day they took his bloodwork, and we just got the results on that today.

His kidneys are failing. He can't flush toxins out of his system, so they're just building up in his body. We need to take him in early tomorrow to get looked at.

Kind of a gutpunch, and we're kind of freaking out about it.



@Jimmy: Gaming is a pretty hard hobby to understand, especially at a surface-level glance like a parent gets. (For a prime example: Tomb of Horrors is considered a "classic" dnd module) My parents never really "got" my hobby, but they tended to understand that gaming was my escape from things like, say, that guy in high school who kicked my backpack every time I walked down the halls.

If you have any experiences like that, it might help to tell her so she gets this is an escape for you. In real life, bullies get to run away laughing. In a game, you can break their legs.

[Florian]

His kidneys are failing. He can't flush toxins out of his system, so they're just building up in his body. We need to take him in early tomorrow to get looked at.

Luckily, that´s something that can be handled with the right food.
Had a cat that had similar kidney problems and she had a good life for the decade after she was diagnosed (died at 22), one of my business partners has a "rescue cat" that was diagnosed with kidney problems very early (at 2 years), but the combination of speciality food, TCM and homeopathic treatment keeps her going quite fine (now at 8). Brrrr... we had a teleconference today and it was right when she was driving little Summer to her regular check-up. Can´t stand that desperate mewing in the background.

[HalfTangible]

Went to see a specialist about George today.

Good news: his kidneys aren't failing.

Bad news: He probably has lymphoma and maybe a year and a half to live with treatments.

...

So, yeah. Our 5 year old dog is going to die from cancer within a year or 2. We have very few options, the clearest being "flood him with chemo" or "put him to sleep."


Luckily, that´s something that can be handled with the right food.
Had a cat that had similar kidney problems and she had a good life for the decade after she was diagnosed (died at 22), one of my business partners has a "rescue cat" that was diagnosed with kidney problems very early (at 2 years), but the combination of speciality food, TCM and homeopathic treatment keeps her going quite fine (now at 8). Brrrr... we had a teleconference today and it was right when she was driving little Summer to her regular check-up. Can´t stand that desperate mewing in the background. He isn't eating anything we give him; that's the big reason why he went to the vet in the first place.

One thing the vet made clear is that kidney problems are different for dogs than for cats.

[Florian]

"put him to sleep."

Get a second vet. opinion. Then do what we normally don´t dare to. I am sorry.

[Florian]

Ok, just venting frustration a bit, as something hit too close to home these days.

Preface: You all will know that Germany was divided into a capitalist and socialist state until the reunion and the socialist side had some, lets say, rather dubious methods to encourage people from our POV.

Now I´ve been a freelancer for quite some time, quite successful at that, and saved most of my earnings to proceed to the next step and go into "classical production business". I´ve moved to the former "east" to ease my total cost of living and sit out the phase to come while both, the subsidiaries and the heavy credits will come to bear and wreck my life....

So I take on a heavy debt, knowing fully well that it will take more than three years that the ordered facility will be functional and I´ll be living from hand to mouths during that time, with my assets frozen and my income monitored. (Actually got into trouble with a local Con, as that freeze happened before I could pay my dues...)

I´m living a rather minimalist lifestyle right now, because most of what I´d earn right now would be counted towards the dept until the facility stands and we can generate income.

Yesterday, I overheard my neighbors talking about me, which could be summed up to the question why I wasn't´t put into prison because I don´t do s**t, besides answering mails, being on the phone, drinking beer and smoking. Prison time would do an anti-social wrench like me good.

The sad thing is, we´re in election year for a local governor and one of the candidates, as well as a high-ranking representative of the local police academy was present.

Do I really want to live in the company of people who think that it´ll be a good lesson for me if I went to jail for a while?

[Saint Jimmy]

@Jimmy: Gaming is a pretty hard hobby to understand, especially at a surface-level glance like a parent gets. (For a prime example: Tomb of Horrors is considered a "classic" dnd module) My parents never really "got" my hobby, but they tended to understand that gaming was my escape from things like, say, that guy in high school who kicked my backpack every time I walked down the halls.

If you have any experiences like that, it might help to tell her so she gets this is an escape for you. In real life, bullies get to run away laughing. In a game, you can break their legs.
I don't actually have any experiences like that, which is pretty nice. Its kind of an escape from all the crap going on in the world (like you said, you can actually stop people who are doing horrible things in game) but it's really just entertainment.
I have pretty much figured out that it's more of the Lovecraft/Cthulhu stuff now, and that's kinda just lumped in with the rest of "that fantasy stuff" for her a lot. I consider it just weird fantasy because it's so "out there", I don't see how anyone could be scared of it, but from when I've tried to explain it to her it seems like it kinda disturbs her. And honestly that's just a taste thing, she's freaked out and can't understand why someone would be interested by that whereas I'm not and can't understand how people consider it scary (especially with Lovecraft's writing style that makes it hard to pull a meaning out of a lot of stuff. MOUNTIANS OF MADNESS COUGH COUGH)



So, yeah. Our 5 year old dog is going to die from cancer within a year or 2. We have very few options, the clearest being "flood him with chemo" or "put him to sleep."

Aww. I don't really know what to say other then repeat Florians advice to get a second opinion first. Other then that I'm sure you will do whatever is right for your dog. I'm sorry about that, I know how it feels, and it's one horrible situation to be in. Hope it gets better. :smallfrown:

[HalfTangible]

Aww. I don't really know what to say other then repeat Florians advice to get a second opinion first. Other then that I'm sure you will do whatever is right for your dog. I'm sorry about that, I know how it feels, and it's one horrible situation to be in. Hope it gets better. :smallfrown:


Get a second vet. opinion. Then do what we normally don´t dare to. I am sorry.

This was the second opinion.

The first one was kidney failure.

EDIT: Dad thinks it's selfish to make our dog go through chemo just so we can have him around for another few months. So... we're gonna bring him home for a few weeks so we can all say goodbye, and then... let him sleep.

[WarKitty]

My parents have been having the same argument every day for 4 days in a row now.

And they wonder why I'll take the night shift.

[JNAProductions]

My parents have been having the same argument every day for 4 days in a row now.

And they wonder why I'll take the night shift.

*Offers hugs*

I'm sorry. Is there anything we can do to help?

[Jormengand]

So my life is falling apart and I have no idea who to turn to.

I failed my first year at university, and there's no way that I'm going to pass any of the retakes. So I'm going to have to drop out.

This is mainly because I have a list of mental disorders which would impress a mage in Call of Cthulhu, and I'm struggling with the trauma of physical and sexual assault on top of that. I can't face working the vast majority of the time. Sometimes I don't have any control of my body at all. I'm totally unable to hold any job or succeed at my education. Oh, and because @@@POLITICS@@@, it's completely impossible for me to get any benefits either.

My mother, with whom I currently live, isn't willing to support me without me being in education or having a job, so I'll almost certainly end up homeless, unless I want to go and live with my father, who I tried to distance myself from since he flipped out and started hitting me. So there's that.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I've been hurt so much by everyone that I can't learn, and I can't do anything with what I have learned either. Nobody's willing and able to support me and I have no way to support myself.

Inevitably, of course, someone will suggest getting professional help. Unfortunately, every single time I've attempted that the problem has got worse instead of better, and I cannot face another smug idiot breaching client confidentiality, telling me some nonsense that I (not a medical professional) know is false because I actually checked what the people who practically wrote the book on it said, and so forth. Unfortunately, because @@@POLITICS@@@, the current mental health situation in this country is worse than useless.

I've got to the point where I have to choose between being one more homeless person and manually overriding my own skull. Neither of which massively appeals to me.

[Mith]

So my life is falling apart and I have no idea who to turn to.

I failed my first year at university, and there's no way that I'm going to pass any of the retakes. So I'm going to have to drop out.

This is mainly because I have a list of mental disorders which would impress a mage in Call of Cthulhu, and I'm struggling with the trauma of physical and sexual assault on top of that. I can't face working the vast majority of the time. Sometimes I don't have any control of my body at all. I'm totally unable to hold any job or succeed at my education. Oh, and because @@@POLITICS@@@, it's completely impossible for me to get any benefits either.

My mother, with whom I currently live, isn't willing to support me without me being in education or having a job, so I'll almost certainly end up homeless, unless I want to go and live with my father, who I tried to distance myself from since he flipped out and started hitting me. So there's that.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I've been hurt so much by everyone that I can't learn, and I can't do anything with what I have learned either. Nobody's willing and able to support me and I have no way to support myself.

Inevitably, of course, someone will suggest getting professional help. Unfortunately, every single time I've attempted that the problem has got worse instead of better, and I cannot face another smug idiot breaching client confidentiality, telling me some nonsense that I (not a medical professional) know is false because I actually checked what the people who practically wrote the book on it said, and so forth. Unfortunately, because @@@POLITICS@@@, the current mental health situation in this country is worse than useless.

I've got to the point where I have to choose between being one more homeless person and manually overriding my own skull. Neither of which massively appeals to me.

First off, I am truly sorry to hear about all you are going through. While I am in no place to give perspective on any mental health, perhaps I can give thoughts to some of the other issues that may help.

For university, after dropping out, can you switch to some other degree, or must you take a leave of absence and reapply? Could you talk to your mother and reach an agreement there?

If not, do you have any other family or friends you could stay with while you try and get things under control? You say "nobody", but is there potentially someone you haven't considered?

Could you do online courses to either obtain or support obtaining a university degree? Online courses can allow you to work from home, which may reduce stress while making progress.

I am not sure if any of this will help you, although I hope it does. Let me know if you need me to clarify or expand on any point.

[Jormengand]

First off, I am truly sorry to hear about all you are going through. While I am in no place to give perspective on any mental health, perhaps I can give thoughts to some of the other issues that may help.

For university, after dropping out, can you switch to some other degree, or must you take a leave of absence and reapply? Could you talk to your mother and reach an agreement there?

If not, do you have any other family or friends you could stay with while you try and get things under control? You say "nobody", but is there potentially someone you haven't considered?

Could you do online courses to either obtain or support obtaining a university degree? Online courses can allow you to work from home, which may reduce stress while making progress.

I am not sure if any of this will help you, although I hope it does. Let me know if you need me to clarify or expand on any point.

Unfortunately, it's not just the course I'm on that's the issue. Assume anything learning-related or job-related are just flat impossible, because they are.

I don't have any friends who are more independent than university students generally are, and they don't have the spare money to support someone.

[Mith]

Unfortunately, it's not just the course I'm on that's the issue. Assume anything learning-related or job-related are just flat impossible, because they are.

I don't have any friends who are more independent than university students generally are, and they don't have the spare money to support someone.

Unfortunately, the only things I can suggest with that with the information and credentials I have would probably fall within "learning" or "job" real. Namely, seeing what all the supports are available at your university, and the potential for volunteer work.

I am sorry that I cannot offer anything else to help.

[lio45]

Unfortunately, it's not just the course I'm on that's the issue. Assume anything learning-related or job-related are just flat impossible, because they are.

What's your university subject? Maybe you could pick a related field but easier. As long as you meet your mother's criterion of being at school, you can live there for free, from what I gather.

The alternative, of course, would be to either get a job or apply for welfare (and stay on it for the time being).

I would hope there are some jobs out there that aren't out of the question for you even in your current condition, but if not, worst possible case, welfare should be enough to afford a tiny room in a SRO building and food. From this stable point, you could then consider what you wish to do.

[Anymage]

What's your university subject? Maybe you could pick a related field but easier. As long as you meet your mother's criterion of being at school, you can live there for free, from what I gather.

I'm not Jormengand. But from what I've heard from other people in similar situations, the problem can be with simply pulling oneself together for the day and making it to class. Academic work is easy compared to how messy the world can be.

I will say that even another college student can offer some space on a couch, or even a couple of pillows on the floor, without having to dig into their own pockets. As far as work, either to mollify your mother or to have something to bring to the table so you don't overtax your friends' good will, I've heard okay things about amazon's mechanical turk and similar services. The money isn't anything to write home about. But it is a form of work that you can do on your own schedule, without having to deal with the outside world.

[Jormengand]

The alternative, of course, would be to either get a job or apply for welfare (and stay on it for the time being).

I would hope there are some jobs out there that aren't out of the question for you even in your current condition, but if not, worst possible case, welfare should be enough to afford a tiny room in a SRO building and food. From this stable point, you could then consider what you wish to do.

Impossible under a system which is both designed to fail and designed to discriminate against mental health issues.



Anyway, my mother just has basically come in and told me I need to get a job, effective now pretty much. Oh and she's continuing to be abusive and has tasked me with sorting out the whole house in a time that even a non-disabled person couldn't. So... this is basically me saying goodbye. I can't handle any more of this.

[WarKitty]

Impossible under a system which is both designed to fail and designed to discriminate against mental health issues.



Anyway, my mother just has basically come in and told me I need to get a job, effective now pretty much. Oh and she's continuing to be abusive and has tasked me with sorting out the whole house in a time that even a non-disabled person couldn't. So... this is basically me saying goodbye. I can't handle any more of this.

Jormengand...I don't have any brilliant words, but I've been where you are. I've been in a place where I thought there was nothing to do. It did pass. It was hard as hell for a while, but it did pass.

I don't know what country you're living in so I can't offer a huge amount of advice for sorting out finances. But it's not hopeless.

[Jormengand]

Jormengand...I don't have any brilliant words, but I've been where you are. I've been in a place where I thought there was nothing to do. It did pass. It was hard as hell for a while, but it did pass.

I don't know what country you're living in so I can't offer a huge amount of advice for sorting out finances. But it's not hopeless.

I mean I'm basically in the position where I need to leave this house in the next 20 minutes, 40 if I'm exceptionally lucky but I can't count on it, or I need to manually override my own skull in that amount of time. Either I leave or I'll be forced to leave, basically.

[WarKitty]

I mean I'm basically in the position where I need to leave this house in the next 20 minutes, 40 if I'm exceptionally lucky but I can't count on it, or I need to manually override my own skull in that amount of time. Either I leave or I'll be forced to leave, basically.

What country do you live in? And what time is it over there?

I've been worried about that situation myself. Look up any charities that are in your area. A lot of places know where you can find help even if they can't help you themselves.

Talk to your friends. Post on facebook if you have to. Friends of friends can help sometimes even if you don't know anyone who can personally help. And even some people who might not have a lot of room can let you sleep on a couch for a little bit while you figure things out.

If you need to stay in a shelter do it. It sucks. It really sucks, but it's there.

[Florian]

@Jormengand:

So, basically, you actually have to physically located to a place that either can support you, or at least doesn´t crush you and throw you to the gutter.

I´ll write you a PM.

[Icewraith]

My wife and I have been going through infertility stuff for a while now.

We just basically had a "This isn't even my final form!" pulled on us. The issue grew heads and arms and wings and fangs and laser cannons. We're not sterile (yet), but our options for having our own kids boil down to "throw money at it- lots and lots of money" and "keep doing what you're doing and pray for a miracle".

Yeah we could adopt, but that's actually fairly expensive, there's a multi-year waiting list, and... well, that's always something I was hoping we might have money and capacity to do after we had a couple of kids of our own.

I mean, at least it's not "you're sterile because you have cancer and six months to live" bad. But it's pretty bad. At least we now know why things haven't been working.

[TechnOkami]

@Jormengand I'm sorry about your current situation. I hope you find something that will let you live a stable, comfortable life soon. Try and stay in communication with us.

[HalfTangible]

This was the second opinion.

The first one was kidney failure.

EDIT: Dad thinks it's selfish to make our dog go through chemo just so we can have him around for another few months. So... we're gonna bring him home for a few weeks so we can all say goodbye, and then... let him sleep.

It's done.

We'd hoped we could bring him home for a few weeks, but he wasn't eating anything, so we only got a day. But that's fine; he was miserable and weeks probably wouldn't have been long enough anyway. He's gonna be cremated, and mom's getting a wooden paw made from his. So that's... I don't wanna say 'good', but better.

We stayed with him (Dad's in Russia, but the rest of us were there for George). I wasn't expecting him to go that fast. From the moment they put the anesthetic in (first of three shots) until his heart stopped was about... I dunno, maybe 50 seconds. Tops. But he had people who loved him petting and loving on him on all sides, so... yeah.

It hit me when I got home that I'm never gonna find poop at the top of the stairs again (since Shadow can't go up them anymore), at least until we get another dog. I got so mad at George for doing that so often, largely cuz I kept stepping in it. It feels weird to say I wish he'd come home and do that again, but I do.

I've had myself a couple of good cries in the last 2 or 3 hours. Probably gonna have a few more.

[JNAProductions]

It's done.

We'd hoped we could bring him home for a few weeks, but he wasn't eating anything, so we only got a day. But that's fine; he was miserable and weeks probably wouldn't have been long enough anyway. He's gonna be cremated, and mom's getting a wooden paw made from his. So that's... I don't wanna say 'good', but better.

We stayed with him (Dad's in Russia, but the rest of us were there for George). I wasn't expecting him to go that fast. From the moment they put the anesthetic in (first of three shots) until his heart stopped was about... I dunno, maybe 50 seconds. Tops. But he had people who loved him petting and loving on him on all sides, so... yeah.

It hit me when I got home that I'm never gonna find poop at the top of the stairs again (since Shadow can't go up them anymore), at least until we get another dog. I got so mad at George for doing that so often, largely cuz I kept stepping in it. It feels weird to say I wish he'd come home and do that again, but I do.

I've had myself a couple of good cries in the last 2 or 3 hours. Probably gonna have a few more.

*Offers hugs*

I'm sorry to hear about that. Don't be afraid to cry about it-there's nothing wrong with being sad when you lose a member of the family.

If we can help at all, just let us know.

[Comrade]

I'm real sorry for your loss, HalfTangible.

[dehro]

It's a painful thing to have to do, but it's for the best. When the pain and lack of quality of life just don't warrant dragging things out anymore, there's little else to do.
It will get better, in time.
Hugs.

[Jormengand]

Update: After a few days on the streets, I'm now able to stay with a friend of the family for a week or so. After that, I'm just hoping that my temporary accomodation I'm supposed to be able to get arrives on time. We'll see...

[2D8HP]

Update: After a few days ...


Good luck, and best wishes to you.

[Mith]

Good luck, Jormengand.

[FinnLassie]

I realised that I've been slightly suicidal all summer, and that it has just been escalating this whole time. Why do I always burn out one way or another when it's summer time?

[dehro]

A wild guess would be that in summertime people are out and about more, and generally more expansive/enthusiastic about things... so people who we feel have it together more than we do are all up in our faces and the comparison stings just a little more than usual.

[factotum]

You've heard of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)? Usually this causes people to get depressed in winter and happier in summer, but it can work the other way round--might be worth checking with your accredited medical professional of choice to see if you've got that.

[Lacco]

Also: from May up, all the couples start hitting the streets and enjoying themselves visibly, as opposed to staying nicely hidden somewhere warm. Combine that with usual summer fashion trends.

Drove me nuts for long time, each summer.

[dehro]

Also: from May up, all the couples start hitting the streets and enjoying themselves visibly, as opposed to staying nicely hidden somewhere warm. Combine that with usual summer fashion trends.

Drove me nuts for long time, each summer.

Insert mandatory masturbation joke.

there.. we can move on.

[Lacco]

Fixed that:


Insert mandatory masturbation marriage joke.

:smallsmile:

[Icewraith]

I realised that I've been slightly suicidal all summer, and that it has just been escalating this whole time. Why do I always burn out one way or another when it's summer time?

Do you burn easily? I'm outdoors less often in summer because of the heat and the increased risk of sunburn. But even as an introvert, if I don't get outside at least somewhat regularly I notice myself becoming depressed more easily.

[zlefin]

I second the call to have your doc check for seasonal affective disorder. it's not that uncommon, and well worth checking for as there are some decent treatments if that is the problem.

[2D8HP]

I realised that I've been slightly suicidal all summer, and that it has just been escalating this whole time. Why do I always burn out one way or another when it's summer time?


My guess would be lack of sleep due to hot nights and too much daylight.

Move somewhere south that's foggy in the summer.

[WarKitty]

I hate the whole mentality people get of just "be more understanding, can't you see <<other person>> is having a hard time?"

I mean, I get it. But it often seems like it never ends. You can give and be kind and understanding until you have nothing left emotionally for yourself. And still when you reach out to someone else for help, you are chastised for not being understanding enough.

I also hate how the provision of physical or financial assistance, or on the flip side one finding one's self in need of it, is seen to justify inappropriate emotional demands. There's often a mentality that if it was really that bad, you'd obviously find some way out. If you've looked and aren't finding a way out that's better, obviously you're just making excuses or whining. You ought to be grateful for the assistance, and being grateful precludes offering any criticism of the person providing it.

[FinnLassie]

Had therapy today. Let it all out. I haven't actively started to plan The Great Jump so I felt like I'm not in need of hospital treatment.

Hating oneself is craptastic.

[JNAProductions]

Had therapy today. Let it all out. I haven't actively started to plan The Great Jump so I felt like I'm not in need of hospital treatment.

Hating oneself is craptastic.

*Offers a lot of hugs*

Please be safe. Are you with family, or friends, or someone? Is there anything you can do, or we can do, to help you out?

[Icewraith]

I hate the whole mentality people get of just "be more understanding, can't you see <<other person>> is having a hard time?"

I mean, I get it. But it often seems like it never ends. You can give and be kind and understanding until you have nothing left emotionally for yourself. And still when you reach out to someone else for help, you are chastised for not being understanding enough.

I also hate how the provision of physical or financial assistance, or on the flip side one finding one's self in need of it, is seen to justify inappropriate emotional demands. There's often a mentality that if it was really that bad, you'd obviously find some way out. If you've looked and aren't finding a way out that's better, obviously you're just making excuses or whining. You ought to be grateful for the assistance, and being grateful precludes offering any criticism of the person providing it.

Stuff like this is usually reallly context dependent.

For instance, you find one person having a breakdown and another person telling them they're being unreasonable, toughen up, get over it, etc.

If person 1 is a normally competent individual and just happens to be under a lot of stress/personal tragedy, then "be more understanding..." is probably a valid response.

If person 1 has been a wreck for months, person 2's take suddenly seems a lot more reasonable.

I think that when providing assistance, people don't want to feel like their charity is going to waste. Obviously you can't expect someone to just snap out of whatever their situation is and continue with a normal life- if that was possible, they wouldn't need the help in the first place. But it seems like in most cases there should be some kind of practical long term plan to get out of the situation, even if it's not immediately acheivable.

Now the real question- are all three sections of your post regarding the same chain of events, and if so is the order 3-2-1?

[WarKitty]

Stuff like this is usually reallly context dependent.

For instance, you find one person having a breakdown and another person telling them they're being unreasonable, toughen up, get over it, etc.

If person 1 is a normally competent individual and just happens to be under a lot of stress/personal tragedy, then "be more understanding..." is probably a valid response.

If person 1 has been a wreck for months, person 2's take suddenly seems a lot more reasonable.

I think that when providing assistance, people don't want to feel like their charity is going to waste. Obviously you can't expect someone to just snap out of whatever their situation is and continue with a normal life- if that was possible, they wouldn't need the help in the first place. But it seems like in most cases there should be some kind of practical long term plan to get out of the situation, even if it's not immediately acheivable.

Now the real question- are all three sections of your post regarding the same chain of events, and if so is the order 3-2-1?

It's a general frustration with people's reactions to my issues with my mother.

So the "be more understanding" is frustrating me in the sense that I feel like I'm clearly expressing that I'm overloaded, I can't keep taking the situation I'm in, I'm angry and I feel like I'm trying to work things out and she isn't receptive to anything that has any hint of boundaries on my part. And I'm having people turn around and tell me that I should be more understanding, that she's going through a hard time and she needs me to be there for her, that I need to be more patient and kind and loving. When I'm coming in saying I'm burning out trying to help her and people are turning around and lecturing me for not being understanding enough and not loving her or caring about her and all that because I'm trying to figure out how to take care of myself.

[FinnLassie]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I'm trying to focus on things I like right now, so I've been binging on playing The Sims. Had some anxiety last night despite my meds, but I suppose that's understandable in my situation...

[Chen]

It's a general frustration with people's reactions to my issues with my mother.

So the "be more understanding" is frustrating me in the sense that I feel like I'm clearly expressing that I'm overloaded, I can't keep taking the situation I'm in, I'm angry and I feel like I'm trying to work things out and she isn't receptive to anything that has any hint of boundaries on my part. And I'm having people turn around and tell me that I should be more understanding, that she's going through a hard time and she needs me to be there for her, that I need to be more patient and kind and loving. When I'm coming in saying I'm burning out trying to help her and people are turning around and lecturing me for not being understanding enough and not loving her or caring about her and all that because I'm trying to figure out how to take care of myself.

And if you try to explain this to these people they don't listen? Are these your friends? Because those would be some ****ty friends. If they are family or other associates it's possible they just default side with your mother over you.

[S@tanicoaldo]

It's a general frustration with people's reactions to my issues with my mother.

So the "be more understanding" is frustrating me in the sense that I feel like I'm clearly expressing that I'm overloaded, I can't keep taking the situation I'm in, I'm angry and I feel like I'm trying to work things out and she isn't receptive to anything that has any hint of boundaries on my part. And I'm having people turn around and tell me that I should be more understanding, that she's going through a hard time and she needs me to be there for her, that I need to be more patient and kind and loving. When I'm coming in saying I'm burning out trying to help her and people are turning around and lecturing me for not being understanding enough and not loving her or caring about her and all that because I'm trying to figure out how to take care of myself.

Can I be direct WarKitty? What do you expect people to say? F*** your mom she is a huge B***?

Because that's kind of what it looks like, and let me tell you that's not really helpful at all.

You are angry, anger is a bad emotion, people try to make you less angry so you will feel better and see things with more clarity.

She is your mom and she will always be, even if you run away and live a different life in the other side of the world she will still be your mom. You can either grow up and accept the fact she is not perfect and actually quite flawed and try to find a way to deal with it or keep crying about and hoping for your fairy godmother to show up and magically solve it for you.

[Lacco]

It's a general frustration with people's reactions to my issues with my mother.

So the "be more understanding" is frustrating me in the sense that I feel like I'm clearly expressing that I'm overloaded, I can't keep taking the situation I'm in, I'm angry and I feel like I'm trying to work things out and she isn't receptive to anything that has any hint of boundaries on my part. And I'm having people turn around and tell me that I should be more understanding, that she's going through a hard time and she needs me to be there for her, that I need to be more patient and kind and loving. When I'm coming in saying I'm burning out trying to help her and people are turning around and lecturing me for not being understanding enough and not loving her or caring about her and all that because I'm trying to figure out how to take care of myself.

It's always easy to advise when you're not at the spot.

It's always easy to say "be better", "be more understanding", when you're not the person that needs to be better/more understanding.

If you burn out, she won't get more help from you.

Take a step back. Breathe a little. You have right for some happiness in your life. And when you feel like it, help. But if you are in need of help...

Also: I am considered to be insensitive and unfeeling by some. I am considered to be horrible person by some. But the people that consider me these usually are not my friends or family - hell, I'm the guy who told my grandfather to put a handful of dirt on his chest every morning when he was bombarding my mother with "I will soon die" statements. So consider my advice only if you are willing to be the "horrible person".

[2D8HP]

It's a general frustration with .

WarKitty,
In ready your posts over time I've definitely gotten the impression that you need to escape.

Have you given any thought to joining the Coast Guard, other military service, or the Peace Corps, and GTHOASAP?

Why not?

[S@tanicoaldo]

WarKitty,
In ready your posts over time I've definitely gotten the impression that you need to escape.

Have you given any thought to joining the Coast Guard, other military service, or the Peace Corps, and GTHOASAP?

Why not?

Running away won't solve your problems; they will still be there, back at home, probably growing to worst proportions since you are not there to supervise.

Run all you want, one day you will have to face it.

[WarKitty]

WarKitty,
In ready your posts over time I've definitely gotten the impression that you need to escape.

Have you given any thought to joining the Coast Guard, other military service, or the Peace Corps, and GTHOASAP?

Why not?

With my medical history, no organization like that would want me, and it would be a terrible idea for me to be anywhere outside of the first world.


Can I be direct WarKitty? What do you expect people to say? F*** your mom she is a huge B***?

Because that's kind of what it looks like, and let me tell you that's not really helpful at all.

You are angry, anger is a bad emotion, people try to make you less angry so you will feel better and see things with more clarity.

She is your mom and she will always be, even if you run away and live a different life in the other side of the world she will still be your mom. You can either grow up and accept the fact she is not perfect and actually quite flawed and try to find a way to deal with it or keep crying about and hoping for your fairy godmother to show up and magically solve it for you.

"It sucks and here's how to help manage" would be a start. In the original case I was thinking of, what I was asking for was exactly that - I know the situation sucks, I'm having a hard time when I'm in the situation where I end up feeling like I don't know up from down, how do I keep my own bearings? Because that's often what being with her is like. What seems clear when I'm by myself or talking to others, is suddenly not clear when I'm dealing with her, and I end up in a position where I don't know how to cope because it feels like I've stepped into a completely different world when talking to her than when interacting with the rest of the world.

You say running away won't solve the problems. What will? Because clearly trying the "be more patient and understanding" route certainly isn't. What it's resulting in is me becoming more frustrated because it seems the more understanding I am, the more is expected of me, and it will eventually hit the point where I can't handle it. We're talking about a situation where I'm being patient and understanding up until the point where I'm literally shaking from the stress, and I'm still being told I'm rude and ungrateful for not continuing to be available after that point because she's having a hard time. (And it was very clear in context that it was "you need to be more understanding because you're just a spoiled brat who doesn't care about her mother", not "you should try and be more understanding because it might help you handle the situation.")

Perhaps not "facing it" is because I see no productive way to face it. I see my options are to bear it as best I can and to work to get out. The question sometimes becomes how to bear it.

I have yet to see a person who was actually capable of true stoicism. Many people hold it up as an ideal, but it's not something that's in our nature.

[Velaryon]

I'm hesitant to post anything since I feel like my situation isn't really bad enough to warrant anyone's concern or attention, but I think I need to just let this out. Feel free to skip over if you want.

By all rights I should be happy right now. I started my first full-time job in my profession about two months ago, after a five-year journey that included a year and a half of volunteering, two years of grad school, a couple years of part-time work, and dozens if not hundreds of applications and interviews that went nowhere before I finally, finally landed this job.

Finally I was able to stop living with my parents and move out on my own. Sure, I had to take a job nearly 200 miles away from everyone I know, but I can still visit on weekends once a month or so. I feel isolated and lonely, though. I haven't made any friends since moving out here. My coworkers are all polite, but I don't feel like I've connected with any of them on a deeper level where any of them would want to hang out with me outside of work. I have hardly met anyone else at all, outside of work and a few local stores and restaurants that I have been to. I'd also like to find a new relationship (it's been about 4 years since my last one ended, and about 2 1/2 since the last time I even went on a date), but I've not had any luck there so far either. There's one woman at my job who's exactly the type of person I'd like to go out with, but I worked so hard to get this job that I don't want to endanger anything here by pursuing her, especially since she's shown zero signs of being interested in me that way. I've dug up my old OKCupid account and updated my info, but haven't found really any potential matches around here to get excited about.

All I've really got in terms of social interaction is gaming on my PS4 with friends a couple times a week, and going back home every 3 weeks or so to see people for a little while. It could certainly be worse, but I'm feeling isolated and lonely and it seems to be geting worse rather than better.

[kyoryu]

I hate the whole mentality people get of just "be more understanding, can't you see <<other person>> is having a hard time?"

I mean, I get it. But it often seems like it never ends. You can give and be kind and understanding until you have nothing left emotionally for yourself. And still when you reach out to someone else for help, you are chastised for not being understanding enough.

I also hate how the provision of physical or financial assistance, or on the flip side one finding one's self in need of it, is seen to justify inappropriate emotional demands. There's often a mentality that if it was really that bad, you'd obviously find some way out. If you've looked and aren't finding a way out that's better, obviously you're just making excuses or whining. You ought to be grateful for the assistance, and being grateful precludes offering any criticism of the person providing it.

Ideally, the situation is that each side is understanding of the other. If not, it's abusive.


It's a general frustration with people's reactions to my issues with my mother.

So the "be more understanding" is frustrating me in the sense that I feel like I'm clearly expressing that I'm overloaded, I can't keep taking the situation I'm in, I'm angry and I feel like I'm trying to work things out and she isn't receptive to anything that has any hint of boundaries on my part. And I'm having people turn around and tell me that I should be more understanding, that she's going through a hard time and she needs me to be there for her, that I need to be more patient and kind and loving. When I'm coming in saying I'm burning out trying to help her and people are turning around and lecturing me for not being understanding enough and not loving her or caring about her and all that because I'm trying to figure out how to take care of myself.

I was in an abusive relationship for close to 7 years. Like, diagnosed with BPD, APD, and I think a few other things by a professional - and not moderate or mild versions, either. My mother is also married to someone that is very similar, and has been for thirty years.

I can't tell you the amount of bad advice that I've gotten. "Oh, just come to an agreement, or set boundaries, or set a budget." But it's not really the fault of the people giving that advice, as it's sound in 99% of the circumstances. But when dealing with someone as troubled as the kind of person I had to deal with, the normal advice doesn't work. Agreements don't matter, any discussion is ignored.

And people that haven't had that experience can't understand that. Like, literally, cannot. Don't take it personally. Envy them, and just smile and nod.

[JNAProductions]

I'm hesitant to post anything since I feel like my situation isn't really bad enough to warrant anyone's concern or attention, but I think I need to just let this out. Feel free to skip over if you want.

By all rights I should be happy right now. I started my first full-time job in my profession about two months ago, after a five-year journey that included a year and a half of volunteering, two years of grad school, a couple years of part-time work, and dozens if not hundreds of applications and interviews that went nowhere before I finally, finally landed this job.

Finally I was able to stop living with my parents and move out on my own. Sure, I had to take a job nearly 200 miles away from everyone I know, but I can still visit on weekends once a month or so. I feel isolated and lonely, though. I haven't made any friends since moving out here. My coworkers are all polite, but I don't feel like I've connected with any of them on a deeper level where any of them would want to hang out with me outside of work. I have hardly met anyone else at all, outside of work and a few local stores and restaurants that I have been to. I'd also like to find a new relationship (it's been about 4 years since my last one ended, and about 2 1/2 since the last time I even went on a date), but I've not had any luck there so far either. There's one woman at my job who's exactly the type of person I'd like to go out with, but I worked so hard to get this job that I don't want to endanger anything here by pursuing her, especially since she's shown zero signs of being interested in me that way. I've dug up my old OKCupid account and updated my info, but haven't found really any potential matches around here to get excited about.

All I've really got in terms of social interaction is gaming on my PS4 with friends a couple times a week, and going back home every 3 weeks or so to see people for a little while. It could certainly be worse, but I'm feeling isolated and lonely and it seems to be geting worse rather than better.

*Offers hugs*

Your issues might not be huge or life-threatening or anything, but they still matter. Is there anything we can do to help?

@Warkitty-I have no idea what to say. I'm very sorry for your situation, and I wish I could help. *Offers hugs* But I don't know how.

[Velaryon]

*Offers hugs*

Your issues might not be huge or life-threatening or anything, but they still matter. Is there anything we can do to help?

Thank you.

There probably isn't anything you can do though, unless you happen to live in the area or know someone who does. It's largely my own fault for being a home body by nature, I know.

[Chen]

Perhaps not "facing it" is because I see no productive way to face it. I see my options are to bear it as best I can and to work to get out. The question sometimes becomes how to bear it.

Now, will your parents kick you out of the house? Like if you just start ignoring her will she call the cops on you and force you out? If so, well then you just need to determine how fine the line is between acting out and them kicking you out is. When you're overwhelmed use that as an excuse to be rude or whatnot and walk away. Clearly if they're not actually willing to kick you out you can do the same but need to be less careful about it. Also consider other part time jobs. Retail, fast food whatever, something else that will provide more money AND let you out of the house.

You need to get out on your own as quickly as possible. I presume money is somehow the problem there, presumably some sort of lump sum needed for something and after that you'd be able to maintain a living space with what income you have. Look into what kind of financing options are available. Some sort of line of credit at a bank would be ideal, though even the absurd rates that come with credit cards might be worth it, if it lets you get out and stay out sooner. You can then work on paying down debt.

[Thrawn4]

Thank you.

There probably isn't anything you can do though, unless you happen to live in the area or know someone who does. It's largely my own fault for being a home body by nature, I know.

Fault implies voluntary actions, does it not? So not really your fault.
I am in a similar situation, and it can be very hard at times. I uses to live near friends and family, and now I struggle to connect to my new colleagues and accquaintances. Nice people and all, but yeah, not the same thing.

Regarding the female colleague... I hear you. The Platinum Rule is useful, although I start to think "That's planning failure - even dumber than regular planning."

[Thrawn4]

Had therapy today. Let it all out. I haven't actively started to plan The Great Jump so I felt like I'm not in need of hospital treatment.

Hating oneself is craptastic.

It might just be me and some people special to me, but in our opinion people who struggle with themselves have more to offer... you know, personality-wise. So even though I will never meet you, I feel the world is better off for you being there.

[Icewraith]

With my medical history, no organization like that would want me, and it would be a terrible idea for me to be anywhere outside of the first world.



"It sucks and here's how to help manage" would be a start. In the original case I was thinking of, what I was asking for was exactly that - I know the situation sucks, I'm having a hard time when I'm in the situation where I end up feeling like I don't know up from down, how do I keep my own bearings? Because that's often what being with her is like. What seems clear when I'm by myself or talking to others, is suddenly not clear when I'm dealing with her, and I end up in a position where I don't know how to cope because it feels like I've stepped into a completely different world when talking to her than when interacting with the rest of the world.

You say running away won't solve the problems. What will? Because clearly trying the "be more patient and understanding" route certainly isn't. What it's resulting in is me becoming more frustrated because it seems the more understanding I am, the more is expected of me, and it will eventually hit the point where I can't handle it. We're talking about a situation where I'm being patient and understanding up until the point where I'm literally shaking from the stress, and I'm still being told I'm rude and ungrateful for not continuing to be available after that point because she's having a hard time. (And it was very clear in context that it was "you need to be more understanding because you're just a spoiled brat who doesn't care about her mother", not "you should try and be more understanding because it might help you handle the situation.")

Perhaps not "facing it" is because I see no productive way to face it. I see my options are to bear it as best I can and to work to get out. The question sometimes becomes how to bear it.

I have yet to see a person who was actually capable of true stoicism. Many people hold it up as an ideal, but it's not something that's in our nature.

Work to get out. What do you need to get out?

[Thrawn4]

Work to get out. What do you need to get out?
Not exactly a polite way of phrasing it, but... it might help if you (Warkitty) could come up with a step-by-step plan. Maybe we can find a solution to your obstacles? Wisdom of many and such...

[factotum]

It's largely my own fault for being a home body by nature, I know.

The trick there is to make your new place your home. You've only been there a couple of months, it takes a lot longer than that before everything in your new location feels familiar enough that you can call it home. Give it two years and I reckon you'll be feeling homesick for where you are now when you're away visiting your old haunts.

[WarKitty]

Now, will your parents kick you out of the house? Like if you just start ignoring her will she call the cops on you and force you out? If so, well then you just need to determine how fine the line is between acting out and them kicking you out is. When you're overwhelmed use that as an excuse to be rude or whatnot and walk away. Clearly if they're not actually willing to kick you out you can do the same but need to be less careful about it. Also consider other part time jobs. Retail, fast food whatever, something else that will provide more money AND let you out of the house.

You need to get out on your own as quickly as possible. I presume money is somehow the problem there, presumably some sort of lump sum needed for something and after that you'd be able to maintain a living space with what income you have. Look into what kind of financing options are available. Some sort of line of credit at a bank would be ideal, though even the absurd rates that come with credit cards might be worth it, if it lets you get out and stay out sooner. You can then work on paying down debt.

The main financial problem right now is that my medical bills are crazy high and my insurance is lousy. So I'm basically paying a rent payment a month just in medical bills, which really cuts into my ability to have the money to support myself. I have what's supposedly a "good" paycheck and insurance plan around here for my skills. But the trend around here is towards high-deductible plans, which are good if you're the kind of person who needs the doctor a few times a year, but bad if you require regular medical care.

What I need is a better job. I'm not entirely sure how to find that though. Most jobs for my skill set are the same level or worse. It's plain I can't apply to every one that might be suitable. But they don't generally tell you enough upfront to know whether to apply or not.

[Icewraith]

The main financial problem right now is that my medical bills are crazy high and my insurance is lousy. So I'm basically paying a rent payment a month just in medical bills, which really cuts into my ability to have the money to support myself. I have what's supposedly a "good" paycheck and insurance plan around here for my skills. But the trend around here is towards high-deductible plans, which are good if you're the kind of person who needs the doctor a few times a year, but bad if you require regular medical care.

What I need is a better job. I'm not entirely sure how to find that though. Most jobs for my skill set are the same level or worse. It's plain I can't apply to every one that might be suitable. But they don't generally tell you enough upfront to know whether to apply or not.

Are there any synergies between your skillset and better paying jobs? "Tack on this class or that certification" sort of things? It sounds like the advancement opportunities for your current position are slim. Alternatively, who do you know?

Do you have any friends looking for a roommate or looking to strike out on their own? Rent is much easier to manage when split.

[AMFV]

The main financial problem right now is that my medical bills are crazy high and my insurance is lousy. So I'm basically paying a rent payment a month just in medical bills, which really cuts into my ability to have the money to support myself. I have what's supposedly a "good" paycheck and insurance plan around here for my skills. But the trend around here is towards high-deductible plans, which are good if you're the kind of person who needs the doctor a few times a year, but bad if you require regular medical care.

What I need is a better job. I'm not entirely sure how to find that though. Most jobs for my skill set are the same level or worse. It's plain I can't apply to every one that might be suitable. But they don't generally tell you enough upfront to know whether to apply or not.

Well then what you need to do is figure out how to obtain a different skillset. So that you can find something that is more specialized or will give better insurance. There are at least a few ways to go about that. But that would be what I'd try.

[Chen]

The main financial problem right now is that my medical bills are crazy high and my insurance is lousy. So I'm basically paying a rent payment a month just in medical bills, which really cuts into my ability to have the money to support myself. I have what's supposedly a "good" paycheck and insurance plan around here for my skills. But the trend around here is towards high-deductible plans, which are good if you're the kind of person who needs the doctor a few times a year, but bad if you require regular medical care.

What I need is a better job. I'm not entirely sure how to find that though. Most jobs for my skill set are the same level or worse. It's plain I can't apply to every one that might be suitable. But they don't generally tell you enough upfront to know whether to apply or not.

Another part time job could help as mentioned, though that might be rough since its not a fixed sum you need to save up. The other option is looking elsewhere for jobs such that either cost of living is lower or insurance is better.

Also have you looked into what type of government benefits are available? Welfare traps seem unfortunately common in many places. It may be more worthwhile, financially, to get a lower paying job so that you can get some government benefits. Also since you mention medical bills are the largest problem and there's no good insurance providers there, you should definitely consider looking elsewhere in the country for work. This would entail some sort of fixed cost you could at least save towards rather than a constant recurring one.

Finally, you SHOULD apply to every job that provides a better pay/insurance package. Apply to jobs you only partially meet requirements for. Job requirements are the ideal of what an employer wants. Many, particularly experience ones, are not hard requirements. An up to date CV plus a generic cover letter that you can spend a few minutes tweaking to customize per company seems like it would be a worthwhile time investment.

[WarKitty]

Finally, you SHOULD apply to every job that provides a better pay/insurance package. Apply to jobs you only partially meet requirements for. Job requirements are the ideal of what an employer wants. Many, particularly experience ones, are not hard requirements. An up to date CV plus a generic cover letter that you can spend a few minutes tweaking to customize per company seems like it would be a worthwhile time investment.

The problem I'm having is more - you have 5 jobs. I'm qualified for all of them, and all of them have roughly the same job description. One of them has better pay and benefits than what I have. However, all 5 keep pay and benefits under wraps until you actually come in for an interview. So in order to actually get the one that is better, I have to apply and interview for all 5.

[Chen]

The problem I'm having is more - you have 5 jobs. I'm qualified for all of them, and all of them have roughly the same job description. One of them has better pay and benefits than what I have. However, all 5 keep pay and benefits under wraps until you actually come in for an interview. So in order to actually get the one that is better, I have to apply and interview for all 5.

Then do so. There's no guarantee you're going to get an interview for any of them anyways, so apply and see what falls out. Not applying is clearly not going to get you anywhere. Yes you may end up wasting time, but if there's no other way to get the information you're stuck in doing it that way.

[Velaryon]

Fault implies voluntary actions, does it not? So not really your fault.
I am in a similar situation, and it can be very hard at times. I uses to live near friends and family, and now I struggle to connect to my new colleagues and accquaintances. Nice people and all, but yeah, not the same thing.

Regarding the female colleague... I hear you. The Platinum Rule is useful, although I start to think "That's planning failure - even dumber than regular planning."

Well, I haven't exactly gone out of my way to go looking for people to socialize with. I have never been fond of bars, but there's a gaming store/used book store in town that I've only briefly visited, and presumably other places about town where people do things for fun. Usually at the end of the day all I want to do is go home, feed my cat, and then relax, but if I do that then I'm not making any new friends.

I wasn't familiar with the term Platinum Rule. Urbandictionary (hey, it was the top Google result!) gives me two definitions: one basically a modernized version of the "do unto others..." Golden Rule, and one from How I Met Your Mother. It sounds like you're referencing the second, though both are applicable in this case. I've seen patrons hit on said coworker and it makes her visibly uncomfortable, so having more of the same from a coworker that she's shown no interest in would likely be more of the same.



The trick there is to make your new place your home. You've only been there a couple of months, it takes a lot longer than that before everything in your new location feels familiar enough that you can call it home. Give it two years and I reckon you'll be feeling homesick for where you are now when you're away visiting your old haunts.

Working on it, slowly. As it is right now I tend to use the word "home" to refer to either my apartment or my parents' place, unless I catch myself and deliberately say "my parents' house. Even now, I'll admit sometimes it's a relief to hop back in the car for my apartment.

[Grytorm]

Hello again. I need to learn to stop hoping that my life will suddenly improve somehow. If I expect improvements I will need to undertake the sisyphean task myself.

Recently, I, in a fit of pique, purged the great majoroty my facebook friends leaving mostly family and a few people whom I feel are kind/nice with whom I have had positive experiences. One person I could have kept but didnt does leave me slightly saddened. But Ive realized, it snot worth the effort to try.

Sometimes I think about intentionally getting myself banned to clear up shallow connections. Truthfully though I should avoid burning what bridges I have, no matter how ephemeral.

[Cozzer]

One person I could have kept but didnt does leave me slightly saddened. But Ive realized, it snot worth the effort to try...


Sometimes I think about intentionally getting myself banned to clear up shallow connections...

Since I was just on the "why do people always use fallacies" thread, I'm not going to point out that this line of thought is an example of a black-and-white fallacy and/or a false dichotomy.

In life, people need connections of every kind, both deep and shallow. Having a few acquaintances on Facebook, or on a forum, or whatever, puts you closer to your "have all the connections I need" goal than not having them. It's easy to fall in the trap of the "since I don't have what I want, I might as well have nothing" line of thought. But that's what it is, a trap laid by the part of your brain that hates you and itself and wants to self-destruct.

Now, I am not telling you to keep toxic relationships. But if the worst thing you can say about a relationship is that it's "shallow", then you have nothing to gain by severing it.

[Thrawn4]

Hello again. I need to learn to stop hoping that my life will suddenly improve somehow. If I expect improvements I will need to undertake the sisyphean task myself.

Sounds like a solid plan to me. If I may ask, do you have any further steps except purging for FB friends?

[HalfTangible]

.... It's the uncertainty that's killing me.

I have no idea if my home is flooded, or when the rain will stop. I know that the river right by my house is going to overflow beyond our previous record, BUT that record didn't even breach the levee. If the water DOES reach my house, I don't know if it'll get in or what it'll get to. Almost everything legitimately valuable is upstairs or somewhere that water can't get to it, but there have been houses that have caught fire and burned down while being flooded. I don't know how much longer the rain's going to last and if it destroys anything how long it's gonna take to put my life back together. I'm not exactly in a position to help anybody else with their problems, and I feel guilty because I'm in such a (relatively) comfortable position and not doing anything even though I don't know what I would be doing if I could!

I just don't know what's going on or what to do about it and I hate it

[dehro]

I just don't know what's going on or what to do about it and I hate it

Is there a way for you to inform yourself/get involved? As long as you're fairly certain that you're ok and your stuff and house are ok, why not reach out to people who are not so certain our who are affected one way or another?
With the lives of so many people being affected, I'm sure there are small things that are slipping through the cracks.
I'm sure there are systems in place to manage the emergency situation, but maybe they need volunteers for smaller tasks.. Or maybe you could give a little time to organisations that are run by volunteers who are now busy looking after themselves.. places like animal shelters might find themselves shortstaffed or deprived of other resources.. or maybe there are elderly people who are perfectly safe but have a hard time getting in touch with loved ones or simply need someone to sit with them and reassure them that they'll be fine.

[HalfTangible]

Is there a way for you to inform yourself/get involved? As long as you're fairly certain that you're ok and your stuff and house are ok, why not reach out to people who are not so certain our who are affected one way or another?
With the lives of so many people being affected, I'm sure there are small things that are slipping through the cracks.
I'm sure there are systems in place to manage the emergency situation, but maybe they need volunteers for smaller tasks.. Or maybe you could give a little time to organisations that are run by volunteers who are now busy looking after themselves.. places like animal shelters might find themselves shortstaffed or deprived of other resources.. or maybe there are elderly people who are perfectly safe but have a hard time getting in touch with loved ones or simply need someone to sit with them and reassure them that they'll be fine.

Not really. Roads out of the area I'm in are flooded, so I can't get to nearby rescue centers, animal shelters or anything. ATM I'm just doing what I can to take care of my Mom (she has a bad leg) and the family friends we're staying with. And tbh, I wasn't sure of anything last night (and what I was, I was completely wrong about). Today I learned the river near my house is cresting faster than they thought it would, below the previous record.

So we're basically okay. Sorry guys, I just needed to vent.

[Alent]

Blargh.

Does C'thulu have a medical plan? I need one that causes less SAN damage per day than my present provider. I wasted $140 getting blown off by an out of network eye doctor and have to wait 4~5 months to be able to see another one because they're all overbooked for some reason. I had to wait 2 months to see THIS one, so I'm pretty miffed and depressed both. (Also, there are no in network eye doctors on my plan. No, I don't understand how that's possible or permissible, either.)

For as problematic as they are, my injuries from the wreck seem like fairly minor internal injuries, but with the trouble I've had with not one but THREE insurance companies actively working to screw me out of chance to get diagnosis and treatment, you'd think I had some kind of rare cancer or something. :smallfrown:

[B-Man]

I've been hesitant about posting this here or on my Failpage. This is a personal matter that I've been thinking about for over a year and I don't want to worry any of my family or friends (or have to deal with those with doctorates from Google MD) and there're also more pressing things in my family that need to be looked at before I can focus my attention on myself and my health (terrible, I know, but I would rather ensure that my partner's brother is getting adequate care before having the family focus on me). So I guess I'm venting/seeking any sort of advice to help keep me stable.

About a year ago my family physician started drawing blood for testing because I've had a chronic cough for the last 10 years or so. Every time I got sent to a lung specialist I would get turned away because my lungs are clear, there's no build up any where, and there is no wheezing. Last year, my physician noticed something was up with my liver activity and sent me away for an abdominal ultrasound. The results of the ultrasound had my physician diagnosis me with a fatty liver (which is odd considering that the highest likelihood of developing a fatty liver is through alcohol use, which is approx. 3 beer or so a year in my case). When I asked her about what I can do, especially considering that there was no alcohol to cut out -- her advice was to lose weight and ushered me out of the examination room. I was looking into ways to manage my weight and then my father passed away (partially due to his alcoholism, mostly due the massive heart attack he took).

I put my health on the back burner, helped out my step-mother anyway that I could (which, turns out, I couldn't help -- who knew that people grieve differently to major things that happen in their lives?). After the funeral, I just set my mind to my work and just kept working. In the interim time my health hasn't improved nor declined. I had an accident on a bus that hurt my already bad leg which set me back further in my fitness goals (I can barely walk a kilometre without my leg acting up) -- there wasn't enough damage to do anything, so I just kept on going on with my daily life (being more mindful of my leg hurting more than I'm used to). I found out that the prescription for the pain they gave me puts me in a horribly dark depression so I cut those out the instant I figured it out.

Now we're at the point where I'm starting to get concerned. About a month ago, I had a sudden and debilitating headache at work. I couldn't do ANYTHING without making my head feel worse. I booked an appointment with my physician at her earliest available (which was 5 days after the headache). She danced around the headache issue (tried to tell me it's my vision) and was about to rush me out of the examination room. I then had her read my chart to alert her to the fact that the nurse who took my blood pressure recorded it at 152/99 and asked her if she was going to do anything or even make out a possible link between my blood pressure and headache. She was huffy and took my pressure and tried to assure me that my pressure is normal. I had also asked her about her diagnosis from the previous year and whether she could order some blood work to see if I'm still doing alright. She reluctantly agreed to a random blood sample test and ushered me out. I got my blood drawn and within 48 hours the office called me back in to discuss the results. There was a problem, though, she went on holidays until September but they wanted to discuss my results, so I booked with one of our NPs (who I much prefer dealing with but is often overbooked). My NP looked at the results and stated my liver function is much higher than it was last year but there's no notes on my record for her to act on (because my physician has not come up with a plan to manage my fatty liver). The NP asked a lot of focused questions about my family medical history, alcohol use, and anything else that could be co-related to this. My chronic cough came up and we agreed it was probably in my best interest to go for a much more focused blood panel. So I drew blood again and was contacted 2 business days later asking if I could go into see a disease specialist (that appointment is in October).

I'm freaking out as quietly as I can. I'm concerned that my physician hasn't been treating me case well (her own words when I asked about her diagnosis of my fatty liver: "oh, you won't have to worry about that for decades") and I'm on a wait list to be taken into my partner's family clinic 100 km away (I'm perfectly okay with the hour drive to the clinic as that's how long it takes on transit to get to my clinic in downtown Ottawa). I'm just very concerned that this could be cancer or something worse (I'm more at ease about it being not cancer/something worse because my appointment is in October and my partner has seen this specialist when we thought her appendix was going to explode and was seen pretty much next-day when referred in), I just can't help but think down those dark lines. My mental health has been stable through this so far but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going on with a mostly cheerful demeanor.

There, it's off my chest.

[Velaryon]

Do you have the ability to choose a new doctor? It seems like that would be a good place to start. If nothing else, getting a second opinion might help either confirm or refute your current diagnoses. If your doctor is really being as lackadaisical as you seem to believe, it's possible that she's missed something that another doctor may catch.

The alternative is that your doctor is right and you're worrying too much. I don't know you, so I can't say whether you're the type of person prone to that. Either way, I would think getting a second opinion is probably a good idea.

[B-Man]

Do you have the ability to choose a new doctor? It seems like that would be a good place to start. If nothing else, getting a second opinion might help either confirm or refute your current diagnoses. If your doctor is really being as lackadaisical as you seem to believe, it's possible that she's missed something that another doctor may catch.

The alternative is that your doctor is right and you're worrying too much. I don't know you, so I can't say whether you're the type of person prone to that. Either way, I would think getting a second opinion is probably a good idea.

I don't have the ability to select a new doctor in the clinic that I'm currently a patient, hence why I'm on the wait list at the clinic that my partner is a patient. I can always try to book with the Nurse Practitioner (who seems to always be on top of following through) but the clinic always opts to push my appointments with her to my current physician. I guess I should just focus on not overthinking things and wait it out until I see the specialist in October.

[dehro]

I don't have the ability to select a new doctor in the clinic that I'm currently a patient, hence why I'm on the wait list at the clinic that my partner is a patient. I can always try to book with the Nurse Practitioner (who seems to always be on top of following through) but the clinic always opts to push my appointments with her to my current physician. I guess I should just focus on not overthinking things and wait it out until I see the specialist in October.

I agree that your current doctor doesn't seem up to the task, or willing... whether the latter is because you're making mountains out of molehills or not or because she's really not very good, that's impossible to say.
When you started talking about a chronic cough, it reminded me about my own health-scare that started the same way and turned out one of two possible things, lymphoma or sarcoidosis... luckily, it was the latter.... but the rest of the symptoms don't quite fit.
That said, all I can offer is sympathy and encouragement not to over-think things but also, do not refrain from making sure you are doing all you can to enjoy your health such as it is, or better it if it's not as it should be.

[Zendy]

Work to get out. What do you need to get out?

Yeah, just GTFO, you getting out of that place sounds easier than your mom having a change of heart.

But if it’s her house and you don’t plan to leave anytime soon you can’t really complain, it’s her house she can do as she please.

[WarKitty]

Yeah, just GTFO, you getting out of that place sounds easier than your mom having a change of heart.

But if it’s her house and you don’t plan to leave anytime soon you can’t really complain, it’s her house she can do as she please.

There's lots of things here we talk about that we don't have an easy way to change at the moment.

I feel like modern american society has gotten worked up in a way where if an adult can't 100% make it on their own with no assistance, it's implicitly treated as a moral failing. And that in virtue of needing help they lose all right to object to anything that anyone does. I mean, there are a lot of things that I am allowed to do that I don't do because they would be mean or hurtful. I think a lot of people cross what a person has a right to do with what they ought to do.

I've had lots of people tell me, regarding my health, that if I really wanted I'd "find a way" to work when I wasn't even able to get out of bed and shower reliably. Or that I'd somehow "find a way" to make medical bills plus rent not add up to most of my income (not only that but that clearly I could do it instantly).

[Honest Tiefling]

I feel like modern american society has gotten worked up in a way where if an adult can't 100% make it on their own with no assistance, it's implicitly treated as a moral failing. And that in virtue of needing help they lose all right to object to anything that anyone does. I mean, there are a lot of things that I am allowed to do that I don't do because they would be mean or hurtful. I think a lot of people cross what a person has a right to do with what they ought to do.

I think it's more that from what I can tell, your mother and you do not have a healthy relationship. The lack of boundaries between the two of you...Well, let's just say that happens in very unhealthy families. I'm not saying that is happening in your case but it might have put people in this mindset.

Weird question, but does she text you? If you can save screenshots of texts or emails or hell, even recordings of phone calls if she goes a little nutso, it might help sway other family members who might be willing to get the heck off your case. With the others? I'd tell THEM to support her. Inform these people that you make time for your mother, but that you need to address your own issues and career as well. Or try to volunteer them to support her instead, you think you might not be up for the job, what with your medical issues...So what time are you coming over, Mr. Busybody?

Does your mother or you go to therapy? Maybe suggest a group session if you think they are a reasonable person, but I think I recall you having some issues in finding someone competent in that regard.

[hawkboy772042]

My company looks like it's going out of business and hasn't been able to make payroll for nearly 3 months. I've been quietly looking for a job, but it's been slightly tough since my current job (when I was getting paid) was actually paying me above market value. I'm just curious of how I should answer the salary range question?

[S@tanicoaldo]

There's lots of things here we talk about that we don't have an easy way to change at the moment.

I feel like modern american society has gotten worked up in a way where if an adult can't 100% make it on their own with no assistance, it's implicitly treated as a moral failing. And that in virtue of needing help they lose all right to object to anything that anyone does. I mean, there are a lot of things that I am allowed to do that I don't do because they would be mean or hurtful. I think a lot of people cross what a person has a right to do with what they ought to do.

I've had lots of people tell me, regarding my health, that if I really wanted I'd "find a way" to work when I wasn't even able to get out of bed and shower reliably. Or that I'd somehow "find a way" to make medical bills plus rent not add up to most of my income (not only that but that clearly I could do it instantly).

It really sucks how physical health problems are treated serious but emotional and mental problems are treated as if they were not things that need to be taken serious. I get you.

[zlefin]

There's lots of things here we talk about that we don't have an easy way to change at the moment.

I feel like modern american society has gotten worked up in a way where if an adult can't 100% make it on their own with no assistance, it's implicitly treated as a moral failing. And that in virtue of needing help they lose all right to object to anything that anyone does. I mean, there are a lot of things that I am allowed to do that I don't do because they would be mean or hurtful. I think a lot of people cross what a person has a right to do with what they ought to do.

I've had lots of people tell me, regarding my health, that if I really wanted I'd "find a way" to work when I wasn't even able to get out of bed and shower reliably. Or that I'd somehow "find a way" to make medical bills plus rent not add up to most of my income (not only that but that clearly I could do it instantly).

It is indeed unfortunate that so many people act that way. I suspect it's actually always been that way to some extent; and people just ignore the degree to which a person's family used to cover for such things; or that nobody covered it and bad things happened, and nobody heard much about it.

a lot of people are simply very ignorant, and have no understanding of how bad things can be. work is being done to try to change that; but progress is slow.

[HalfTangible]

There's lots of things here we talk about that we don't have an easy way to change at the moment.

I feel like modern american society has gotten worked up in a way where if an adult can't 100% make it on their own with no assistance, it's implicitly treated as a moral failing. And that in virtue of needing help they lose all right to object to anything that anyone does. I mean, there are a lot of things that I am allowed to do that I don't do because they would be mean or hurtful. I think a lot of people cross what a person has a right to do with what they ought to do.

I've had lots of people tell me, regarding my health, that if I really wanted I'd "find a way" to work when I wasn't even able to get out of bed and shower reliably. Or that I'd somehow "find a way" to make medical bills plus rent not add up to most of my income (not only that but that clearly I could do it instantly).If I may speak plainly, other people can't help you with mental problems.

Over the last couple of years, you have repeatedly come into this thread with tales of your mother's ****ty behavior. You either cannot or will not implement any of the proposed solutions given to you by anyone in this thread over that time frame, repeatedly citing that you can't do so because of money or some other reason. As far as I can tell, you are in a highly dysfunctional, abusive relationship. But you won't leave it, and it's so god damn frustrating to read/watch because that is literally all you can do. I only recently got my jackass father out of my life, and I cannot tell you what a relief it is to be rid of him, even if it's only for a few weeks at a time.

It's not American society that thinks this way; I've spent the last few days watching Americans travel miles just to help someone out of a flooded house, a situation that many of them put themselves in by refusing to evacuate. And my entire city is like this. People help out when you're in genuine trouble so long as you don't take advantage of them.

The problem isn't America, I doubt you've even met enough people in your life for a proper sample size of your state, let alone all of America. The problem is your mother and the people around you. You need to get away from your current environment, ESPECIALLY your mother. Your situation and mental health has not improved, and it won't until you change something.

[WarKitty]

A better way to put it...sometimes people need support even when they don't immediately have a way to fix their situation. There's no magic solution that will instantly make everything better. But it seems that a lot of people take the attitude that you have to either figure out how to fix the situation on their timetable, or you need to completely shut up and not mention any issues ever or look for support. Usually backed by the assumption that there. must be a solution and the only possible reason you are still in the situation is that it isn't that bad after all.

Right now, it's bad, but it's better than being homeless because you couldn't pay rent and medical together. Any further changes require a new job, which I can only apply for. I am applying but I can't guarantee when I'll get one that's sufficient.

Sometimes what I'm looking for isn't "how do I get out of this situation", but "how do I keep myself sane while it's going on."

[S@tanicoaldo]

With the risk of sounding repetitive but.... Have you tired therapy?

[Honest Tiefling]

A better way to put it...sometimes people need support even when they don't immediately have a way to fix their situation. There's no magic solution that will instantly make everything better. But it seems that a lot of people take the attitude that you have to either figure out how to fix the situation on their timetable, or you need to completely shut up and not mention any issues ever or look for support. Usually backed by the assumption that there. must be a solution and the only possible reason you are still in the situation is that it isn't that bad after all.

Right now, it's bad, but it's better than being homeless because you couldn't pay rent and medical together. Any further changes require a new job, which I can only apply for. I am applying but I can't guarantee when I'll get one that's sufficient.

Sometimes what I'm looking for isn't "how do I get out of this situation", but "how do I keep myself sane while it's going on."

And sometimes, people express concern by offering advice. I don't think people are trying to be unsympathetic, just...It's a common response?

As for ways to be sane, try our advice on your mother. Just pester her with articles, advice and other solutions. You're just trying to help! Well, if she doesn't want help, you'll be out in the park or library reading a book. And then purchase a pair of headphones and pretend they are noise-cancelling. Whoops! Can't hear you!

[WarKitty]

And sometimes, people express concern by offering advice. I don't think people are trying to be unsympathetic, just...It's a common response?

I was referring specifically to being told things like "well if it was that bad, you'd find some way out" or "well if you're not going to fix it maybe you should stop talking about it." If someone wants to offer advice, great, I'm listening! Just don't assume if I don't take it and have it immediately make everything better that it means I don't really want anything to change.

[Honest Tiefling]

Fair enough, I do get why you'd be frustrated hearing those things. Regardless, I do hope your situation improves.

[WarKitty]

Yeah at this point it's just a matter of getting a better job - whether that is by better pay, better benefits, or just one somewhere cheaper.

Y'all know how that goes - you put out your applications and see what happens.

[AuthorGirl]

This . . . is really shallow teenage-angst type stuff, but . . .

School starts next week (and I’m homeschooled, so that means six days a week trying to measure up to my grandparents’ standards); karate class goes back to its usual (tougher) schedule next week *cue dissatisfaction with my body*; I go back to my job tomorrow, and it’s uncertain whether I can keep it; piano lessons started again today, and I’m going to Royal Conservatory Level 8 as well as Suzuki Book 4, which are reasonably high levels of demanding courses; my gamer group seems to want to meet more often; my personal life is, pardon my language, ****; my parents are really loading on the chores and my grandmother won’t stop coming over and yelling at me to “be proactive” and clean the entire house by myself (neither will she stop criticizing my father or my hobbies, but let’s not open that can of worms).

I know I’ve done this to myself in a way: I’ve built high expectations. The problem is, everything I’m involved with is being kicked up a notch, and I don’t think I can continue churning out work of the quality that is expected by my various evaluators. (And I can forget pleasing myself, because someone always tears me down when I manage that, whereas they tell me to stop looking for attention when I’m genuinely unhappy with what I’ve accomplished. See? I told you this was teenage angst.)

There is one silver lining: AuthorGirl the church secretary has to do her job again because regular services are resuming, and I know that’ll make me feel better. Problem is, my church is big on musicianship and youth activism, both of which are extremely time-consuming for this musically inclined young person.

The aforementioned hobbies involve projects which I really, truly do not want to abandon: books, poetry, a roleplaying system, art. It’s looking like they’ll all be relegated to Sunday evening so that I can scrape by with everything else . . . but, no exaggeration, they are the only things keeping me happy right now.

Yeah, I know I’m not dealing with anything at all compared to what older generations of my family have gone through. I know the things I struggle with are nothing compared to the mental and physical illnesses my friends bear with so much grace.

I still don’t know if I can handle all of this.

[Recherché]

You are not dealing with nothing at all. You're dealing with the hopes and expectations of an entire clan coming down on you. Your older generations may have had to deal with things as well but that does not make your issues irrelevant. I'm not sure entirely how to help with this but it's not nothing.

My first random thought would actually be to write the entirety of your incredibly busy schedule down including travel times and any overlapping events. Post it up prominently and every time someone asks you to do something make them write it in and sign it. This way you at least have a record to show people of how very little time you actually have to do anything and to show them what's taking up your time.

[WarKitty]

My first random thought would actually be to write the entirety of your incredibly busy schedule down including travel times and any overlapping events. Post it up prominently and every time someone asks you to do something make them write it in and sign it. This way you at least have a record to show people of how very little time you actually have to do anything and to show them what's taking up your time.

This isn't a bad idea. You can frame it as "getting organized" or something. I might back off on making people sign it, but having people write it in isn't a bad idea. Or if nothing else it's something you can show your family.

Writing down what you have done also isn't a bad idea. Maybe don't be too obvious about it. But if someone asks why you're not helping out around the house, it's not wrong to point out what you have been doing. A lot of people have a tendency to see what isn't done and not notice what is done.

Also, teenage angst is a stupid idea, for a lot of reasons. One, teenagers need downtime just like adults do. Two, I think adults forget that everything is easy once you know how to do it. High school subjects are easy for me because I've been through high school and college and learned how to do everything.

Come to think of it, could you enlist your family's help in writing out a schedule for yourself? E.g. I spend X amount of time on math, X on writing. I do chore A on Monday and chore B on Tuesday. Karate is Tuesday and Thursday and my music teacher wants me to practice for 90min a day. Adults tend to like it when kids try to "be responsible" by scheduling everything.

That last bit is, I think, the key. Approach the adults as you want to be responsible and make sure everything is getting done and ask for their help in managing it.

[AuthorGirl]

This isn't a bad idea. You can frame it as "getting organized" or something. I might back off on making people sign it, but having people write it in isn't a bad idea. Or if nothing else it's something you can show your family.

Yeah, it's actually quite a good idea (thanks, Recherche) - it probably would be useful. (Might even help me get organized.) The one potential problem is that my twin brother has the same schedule and doesn't dissolve into tears over it.


Writing down what you have done also isn't a bad idea. Maybe don't be too obvious about it. But if someone asks why you're not helping out around the house, it's not wrong to point out what you have been doing. A lot of people have a tendency to see what isn't done and not notice what is done.

When I say yelling at me . . . I really mean yelling at me. I mean shouting that the house is a pigsty, my brother and I are obviously just skating along on the bare minimum of effort, don't we care about our mother at all, we always take extra time for our friends but never for our responsibilities . . . this stuff is the opposite of true, but it's almost a direct quote from the day before yesterday. Pointing out what's been done makes it worse.


Also, teenage angst is a stupid idea, for a lot of reasons. One, teenagers need downtime just like adults do. Two, I think adults forget that everything is easy once you know how to do it. High school subjects are easy for me because I've been through high school and college and learned how to do everything.

. . . oh yeah, those are really good points.


Come to think of it, could you enlist your family's help in writing out a schedule for yourself? E.g. I spend X amount of time on math, X on writing. I do chore A on Monday and chore B on Tuesday. Karate is Tuesday and Thursday and my music teacher wants me to practice for 90min a day. Adults tend to like it when kids try to "be responsible" by scheduling everything.

Your wild guess/psychic knowledge as to my schedule is somewhat unnerving :smallbiggrin:


That last bit is, I think, the key. Approach the adults as you want to be responsible and make sure everything is getting done and ask for their help in managing it.

Yeah. That sounds sensible. I'll get started on that schedule. Thanks!

[WarKitty]

Yeah, it's actually quite a good idea (thanks, Recherche) - it probably would be useful. (Might even help me get organized.) The one potential problem is that my twin brother has the same schedule and doesn't dissolve into tears over it.

Could you talk to him about it? I'm a person who doesn't cry a whole lot. It doesn't mean I'm not super stressed out and not coping, but it does mean I'm the sort of person who looks calm right up until I freak out completely.


When I say yelling at me . . . I really mean yelling at me. I mean shouting that the house is a pigsty, my brother and I are obviously just skating along on the bare minimum of effort, don't we care about our mother at all, we always take extra time for our friends but never for our responsibilities . . . this stuff is the opposite of true, but it's almost a direct quote from the day before yesterday. Pointing out what's been done makes it worse.

Yeah, been there done that. Best thing you can do is remind yourself that her temper is her issue, not your issue. Do you get in trouble after these sessions or is it just her yelling? It might be good to come up with some small tasks that you can do quickly to be "doing something" when needed.

Also, I was a homeschool kid who did advanced piano for years, along with karate lessons. I have a pretty good idea what the schedule looks like.

[Honest Tiefling]

If your church is heavy into Youth Activism and music for people in school, wouldn't someone there have some advice? I don't really know how churches are run, but I assume some adult there has heard this before and can at least give better advice then us.

As for Grandmother, yelling at family is not okay. Unless I am missing a piece of the puzzle, she sounds like an awful person. Don't ever justify yourself to her, you are only opening yourself up for an argument which is what attention seeking screamers often want. I would suggest disengaging yourself, aka, walk away. She wants to scream at a teenager to make herself better? Make it clear you aren't up for that and don't have time for her. Put in ear plugs if you must. Just grunt in her general direction until she goes away.

If your mother objects, do remind her she is letting her mother yell at HER CHILD. That is not how a healthy family acts.

[AuthorGirl]

If your church is heavy into Youth Activism and music for people in school, wouldn't someone there have some advice? I don't really know how churches are run, but I assume some adult there has heard this before and can at least give better advice then us.

As for Grandmother, yelling at family is not okay. Unless I am missing a piece of the puzzle, she sounds like an awful person. Don't ever justify yourself to her, you are only opening yourself up for an argument which is what attention seeking screamers often want. I would suggest disengaging yourself, aka, walk away. She wants to scream at a teenager to make herself better? Make it clear you aren't up for that and don't have time for her. Put in ear plugs if you must. Just grunt in her general direction until she goes away.

If your mother objects, do remind her she is letting her mother yell at HER CHILD. That is not how a healthy family acts.

Maybe? There aren't very many young people in my church, which could be why the expectations stack up pretty fast.

Grandma's not awful, just . . . a bit controlling. I don't think Mama knows about the yelling; Grandma will either interrupt a class in "school" (which my parents are not involved with), or come over sometime when my brother and I are home alone. (He's good at just walking away. I should learn a few things from him.)

[Velaryon]

There's lots of things here we talk about that we don't have an easy way to change at the moment.

I feel like modern american society has gotten worked up in a way where if an adult can't 100% make it on their own with no assistance, it's implicitly treated as a moral failing. And that in virtue of needing help they lose all right to object to anything that anyone does. I mean, there are a lot of things that I am allowed to do that I don't do because they would be mean or hurtful. I think a lot of people cross what a person has a right to do with what they ought to do.

I've had lots of people tell me, regarding my health, that if I really wanted I'd "find a way" to work when I wasn't even able to get out of bed and shower reliably. Or that I'd somehow "find a way" to make medical bills plus rent not add up to most of my income (not only that but that clearly I could do it instantly).

Although my situation was otherwise not much like yours, I am familiar with being stuck with family as an adult and the feeling that you have no right to complain if you aren't out there supporting yourself. It sucks, because you're probably doing enough of that to yourself even without family and friends laying more of it on you.

You need to get out as soon as you can. You know this already, and you probably did even before everyone here told you. In the meantime, all I can suggest for ways to cope is to minimize contact with your toxic mom as much as possible, and take any small steps you can toward making that eventual exit come a little sooner. Figure out how much money you would need to get out on your own, if you haven't yet. If the issue is finding a better job, try to spend some time every day working toward that if you can. If you don't have the skills to get the kind of jobs you want, are there ways to obtain said skills on a budget? For example, your local library may have access to materials either in the building or through their website that could be useful, or maybe there's a local community college that offers individual classes and/or certification programs that would be a good start. In the meantime, I and probably others here are happy to supply all the virtual hugs, sounding boards for frustration, and/or shoulders to cry on that we can.



This . . . is really shallow teenage-angst type stuff, but . . .

School starts next week (and I’m homeschooled, so that means six days a week trying to measure up to my grandparents’ standards); karate class goes back to its usual (tougher) schedule next week *cue dissatisfaction with my body*; I go back to my job tomorrow, and it’s uncertain whether I can keep it; piano lessons started again today, and I’m going to Royal Conservatory Level 8 as well as Suzuki Book 4, which are reasonably high levels of demanding courses; my gamer group seems to want to meet more often; my personal life is, pardon my language, ****; my parents are really loading on the chores and my grandmother won’t stop coming over and yelling at me to “be proactive” and clean the entire house by myself (neither will she stop criticizing my father or my hobbies, but let’s not open that can of worms).

I know I’ve done this to myself in a way: I’ve built high expectations. The problem is, everything I’m involved with is being kicked up a notch, and I don’t think I can continue churning out work of the quality that is expected by my various evaluators. (And I can forget pleasing myself, because someone always tears me down when I manage that, whereas they tell me to stop looking for attention when I’m genuinely unhappy with what I’ve accomplished. See? I told you this was teenage angst.)

There is one silver lining: AuthorGirl the church secretary has to do her job again because regular services are resuming, and I know that’ll make me feel better. Problem is, my church is big on musicianship and youth activism, both of which are extremely time-consuming for this musically inclined young person.

The aforementioned hobbies involve projects which I really, truly do not want to abandon: books, poetry, a roleplaying system, art. It’s looking like they’ll all be relegated to Sunday evening so that I can scrape by with everything else . . . but, no exaggeration, they are the only things keeping me happy right now.

Yeah, I know I’m not dealing with anything at all compared to what older generations of my family have gone through. I know the things I struggle with are nothing compared to the mental and physical illnesses my friends bear with so much grace.

I still don’t know if I can handle all of this.

You don't have to be suicidally depressed or stuck in an abusive home to have legitimate difficulties in your life. One thing that adults tend to forget is that teenage years are a very confusing and difficult time in the human life, even without all the additional demands on your time that have become increasingly common over the years. You have recently undergone or are still undergoing massive physiological changes that throw a massive monkey wrench into the daily routine. We all go through this, but many adults forget what it was like when they didn't have years' worth of experience to draw on when it comes to dealing with hormonal changes, new body issues, and constantly being boxed up with a bunch of other hormonal teenagers (though since you're homeschooled, this last one might be less of a thing for you).

On top of that, you've got a lot of formal obligations and other things tying up your time that didn't used to be as common back in the day. Not everyone has a job during school. Not everyone has martial arts classes and music lessons on top of their normal schooling to juggle all at once. Are these activities you've chosen, or are they obligations that have been placed on you? Even if you enjoy both, do you want/need to keep committing significant time to them right now in your life? Speaking from experience, it's entirely possible to take a break from martial arts and come back in a few years to take it up again. You might lose a step or two, but that old saying "it's like riding a bike" is true. I took four years off from my American Kenpo studies before coming back to it, so if that's a thing you have to do, it isn't the end of the world. The same is true of music lessons, though you sound more passionate about that so maybe you're less likely to want to take a break from that.

If your gaming group wants to meet more often than your schedule permits, you could suggest that they start a second game for when you're not available. It kinda sucks when many of the gaming stories start being ones that you weren't there to be part of, but you'll still have the current game and they'll probably let you join the other one too if your schedule frees up a little. Or if you're the GM, consider asking one of the others to take over for awhile so that you can relax and just be a player for awhile - it's less stressful and time-consuming.

I definitely third, fourth, or however many the suggestion of writing down your schedule. This not only gives you concrete evidence of how busy you are whenever a friend or family member thinks you're blowing them off, but it also is a useful time management tool in its own right. If you know you only have X amount of time for music practice, it can help you get started instead of procrastinating for half an hour while you browse the forums, Facebook on your phone, or other ways you might be losing time during your day without realizing it.

[2D8HP]

...somehow "find a way" to make medical bills plus rent not add up to most of my income (not only that but that clearly I could do it instantly).


Sounds like you're paying rent to your stress-inducing-mom (henceforth "SIM").

In my area young adults typically split rent for housing with others.

Anyway you may share rent with a roommate or roommates instead of living with the SIM?

[AuthorGirl]

You don't have to be suicidally depressed or stuck in an abusive home to have legitimate difficulties in your life. One thing that adults tend to forget is that teenage years are a very confusing and difficult time in the human life, even without all the additional demands on your time that have become increasingly common over the years. You have recently undergone or are still undergoing massive physiological changes that throw a massive monkey wrench into the daily routine. We all go through this, but many adults forget what it was like when they didn't have years' worth of experience to draw on when it comes to dealing with hormonal changes, new body issues, and constantly being boxed up with a bunch of other hormonal teenagers (though since you're homeschooled, this last one might be less of a thing for you).

Thank you. And thanks to everyone else who said much the same thing.


On top of that, you've got a lot of formal obligations and other things tying up your time that didn't used to be as common back in the day. Not everyone has a job during school. Not everyone has martial arts classes and music lessons on top of their normal schooling to juggle all at once. Are these activities you've chosen, or are they obligations that have been placed on you? Even if you enjoy both, do you want/need to keep committing significant time to them right now in your life? Speaking from experience, it's entirely possible to take a break from martial arts and come back in a few years to take it up again. You might lose a step or two, but that old saying "it's like riding a bike" is true. I took four years off from my American Kenpo studies before coming back to it, so if that's a thing you have to do, it isn't the end of the world. The same is true of music lessons, though you sound more passionate about that so maybe you're less likely to want to take a break from that.

Hmm, that provokes some thought. Usually "you have so many more things going on in your life than your parents/grandparents did!" is presented as an unequivocally good thing.

I've already dropped out of Girl Guides, so that helps.

Unfortunately, I do want to keep karate and music.


If your gaming group wants to meet more often than your schedule permits, you could suggest that they start a second game for when you're not available. It kinda sucks when many of the gaming stories start being ones that you weren't there to be part of, but you'll still have the current game and they'll probably let you join the other one too if your schedule frees up a little. Or if you're the GM, consider asking one of the others to take over for awhile so that you can relax and just be a player for awhile - it's less stressful and time-consuming.

I'm not the GM, though I was initially planning to just take a break and work out some details of my homebrew. Now I think I'll let that be a fairly low-priority project.

And, though I feel a bit guilty for being happy about this, a few of my gamer friends seem to be getting reminders that their schedules are difficult too. So I predict fewer requests to "play again tomorrow, it's Saturday right?"


I definitely third, fourth, or however many the suggestion of writing down your schedule. This not only gives you concrete evidence of how busy you are whenever a friend or family member thinks you're blowing them off, but it also is a useful time management tool in its own right. If you know you only have X amount of time for music practice, it can help you get started instead of procrastinating for half an hour while you browse the forums, Facebook on your phone, or other ways you might be losing time during your day without realizing it.

Yes. So far it's excellent for time management, I just need to ask about some chores that are scheduled in advance instead of randomly selected every morning. (Usually by note, because my parents leave very early for work and, though I've tried, I can't wake up that early.)

[Velaryon]

Thank you. And thanks to everyone else who said much the same thing.

You're welcome. It's stressful and it sucks sometimes, but you'll make it through. Too many adults forget what being a teenager was like for them, and also fail to realize that if anything it's harder now because more responsibility and more demands on your time have been piled on.

I'm not sure what all else to suggest in terms of lightening your load a bit, but I hope you'll find a way. :smallsmile:


-------------------------

My own day isn't going so well either. Tonight was supposed to be my first Teen Advisory Board meeting at my new library, and also my first High School Action Committee (apparently in the past we've had some teens who were so committed to volunteering they asked for a second group in addition to the TAB). Not one single teen came to either meeting. I don't know if I scheduled it on a bad day, failed to promote it properly, or if I just had bad luck, but I'm already struggling with Impostor Syndrome in this job and this sure as hell isn't helping.

[Algeh]

My own day isn't going so well either. Tonight was supposed to be my first Teen Advisory Board meeting at my new library, and also my first High School Action Committee (apparently in the past we've had some teens who were so committed to volunteering they asked for a second group in addition to the TAB). Not one single teen came to either meeting. I don't know if I scheduled it on a bad day, failed to promote it properly, or if I just had bad luck, but I'm already struggling with Impostor Syndrome in this job and this sure as hell isn't helping.

I'm not sure about the timing where you live, but this is the first week of school in my district. That's a really difficult time to do teen outreach because they're overwhelmed with getting school going, and because announcements at school are so crowded with school-things that it's difficult for an "outside" announcement like this to make the announcement list to get attention from new recruits.

It may get better soon as they settle in.

[AuthorGirl]

I'm not sure about the timing where you live, but this is the first week of school in my district. That's a really difficult time to do teen outreach because they're overwhelmed with getting school going, and because announcements at school are so crowded with school-things that it's difficult for an "outside" announcement like this to make the announcement list to get attention from new recruits.

It may get better soon as they settle in.

This. I'd suggest two weeks from now as a good time for outreach.

Also, might the really committed teens have graduated or moved?

[Velaryon]

I'm not sure about the timing where you live, but this is the first week of school in my district. That's a really difficult time to do teen outreach because they're overwhelmed with getting school going, and because announcements at school are so crowded with school-things that it's difficult for an "outside" announcement like this to make the announcement list to get attention from new recruits.

It may get better soon as they settle in.

It isn't the first week here, but it may be the second. Still maybe too early.



This. I'd suggest two weeks from now as a good time for outreach.

Also, might the really committed teens have graduated or moved?

A couple have, but looking at the list of teens from last year, I should still have had a good crowd, scheduling and outreach concerns notwithstanding.

[The Extinguisher]

My cat is getting sick again :smallfrown:
He's got a bladder issue that causes it to get all gunked up and get crystals in his urinary tract. Twice now it's gotten so bad we had to take him in to get surgery. He's on special food and getting shots every six weeks, and it's been a long time since he's had any issues. But if the shots aren't working anymore and he's not getting better, I don't know what I'm going to do. It cost around $1400 the last time we had to take him in.

I'm so worried right now :smallfrown:

[WarKitty]

Although my situation was otherwise not much like yours, I am familiar with being stuck with family as an adult and the feeling that you have no right to complain if you aren't out there supporting yourself. It sucks, because you're probably doing enough of that to yourself even without family and friends laying more of it on you.

You need to get out as soon as you can. You know this already, and you probably did even before everyone here told you. In the meantime, all I can suggest for ways to cope is to minimize contact with your toxic mom as much as possible, and take any small steps you can toward making that eventual exit come a little sooner. Figure out how much money you would need to get out on your own, if you haven't yet. If the issue is finding a better job, try to spend some time every day working toward that if you can. If you don't have the skills to get the kind of jobs you want, are there ways to obtain said skills on a budget? For example, your local library may have access to materials either in the building or through their website that could be useful, or maybe there's a local community college that offers individual classes and/or certification programs that would be a good start. In the meantime, I and probably others here are happy to supply all the virtual hugs, sounding boards for frustration, and/or shoulders to cry on that we can.

Yeah I am trying. The other concern right now is that my health seems to be acting up pretty badly again. Because of american law and practice, I have more protection and options if I'm at a job that I've been working than if I'm at a new job. There's also the danger that if I start at a new job I might have to switch to insurance with a new deductible. I'm hoping we can figure out this mess soon (I have a test in a week and a half).

It's just frustrating because I feel like there's a special stigma against children living with parents. I feel like if I were, say, a married woman depending on a spouse due to ill health, I'd get a lot more support. I've also had a lot of people who just seem to assume that because I'm complaining about a parent, the default assumption is that I'm just a whiny kid who hasn't grown up. (I did, thankfully, have one sane person point out that complaining to your child about their other parent is pretty much always not ok.)


Sounds like you're paying rent to your stress-inducing-mom (henceforth "SIM").

In my area young adults typically split rent for housing with others.

Anyway you may share rent with a roommate or roommates instead of living with the SIM?

Oh I am. But the calculations I'm making are including living with roommates, or renting a single room rather than an apartment. Also see above on medical care.

[Velaryon]

My cat is getting sick again :smallfrown:
He's got a bladder issue that causes it to get all gunked up and get crystals in his urinary tract. Twice now it's gotten so bad we had to take him in to get surgery. He's on special food and getting shots every six weeks, and it's been a long time since he's had any issues. But if the shots aren't working anymore and he's not getting better, I don't know what I'm going to do. It cost around $1400 the last time we had to take him in.

I'm so worried right now :smallfrown:

*hugs* I've been there. My parents are starting to go through this as well, as their older cat is not eating very much, has lost several pounds since her last checkup, and may or may not have some kind of cancer that it will take a specialist and a lot of money to identify. I don't have much in the way of advice to offer, but I'm glad you shared and I hope a solution can be found.



Yeah I am trying. The other concern right now is that my health seems to be acting up pretty badly again. Because of american law and practice, I have more protection and options if I'm at a job that I've been working than if I'm at a new job. There's also the danger that if I start at a new job I might have to switch to insurance with a new deductible. I'm hoping we can figure out this mess soon (I have a test in a week and a half).

It's just frustrating because I feel like there's a special stigma against children living with parents. I feel like if I were, say, a married woman depending on a spouse due to ill health, I'd get a lot more support. I've also had a lot of people who just seem to assume that because I'm complaining about a parent, the default assumption is that I'm just a whiny kid who hasn't grown up. (I did, thankfully, have one sane person point out that complaining to your child about their other parent is pretty much always not ok.)

I definitely agree that adults who still live with their parents face a certain stigma. It certainly is a disadvantage for single people looking for a relationship, as I've learned the hard way. It's also stressful and frustrating in a way that many people who got out on their own at a younger age probably don't understand. Finally, for people who struggle with self-esteem issues and depression, it's more ammo for you to batter yourself with.

[The Extinguisher]

*hugs* I've been there. My parents are starting to go through this as well, as their older cat is not eating very much, has lost several pounds since her last checkup, and may or may not have some kind of cancer that it will take a specialist and a lot of money to identify. I don't have much in the way of advice to offer, but I'm glad you shared and I hope a solution can be found.

Thanks for the support. I was really freaking out last night and having a place to share was super helpful.

The good news is we just at the vet all day, and while he does have an infection, nothing is blocked up. We have some meds for him to help clear it up. We were able to catch it early enough that it didn't become a big deal

[Velaryon]

Thanks for the support. I was really freaking out last night and having a place to share was super helpful.

The good news is we just at the vet all day, and while he does have an infection, nothing is blocked up. We have some meds for him to help clear it up. We were able to catch it early enough that it didn't become a big deal

Whew! Does that mean you've managed to avoid the expensive surgery this time around? I hope so!

If I'm understanding right, it sounds like this might be a recurring chronic issue. As long as you can catch it early like this, maybe treatments won't get to the point of it being too expensive or life-threatening.

[JNAProductions]

So around Friday, I was talking to my friend. She and I arranged to meet up today, after work.

And she canceled on me about an hour ago. :(

Feeling kinda lonely.

[Comrade]

So around Friday, I was talking to my friend. She and I arranged to meet up today, after work.

And she canceled on me about an hour ago. :(

Feeling kinda lonely.

Sorry to hear it. It's always a bummer when somebody's got to cancel plans you were looking forward to, even if it's for a good reason and you don't hold it against them.

I've been pretty torn over a decision I'll have to make-- genuinely unable to choose between two options, not 'implicitly I know what I want to do and I just want people to validate that choice'. For the past several months I've been planning to move to Denmark and pursue a career as an English teacher, but some recent prodding from family has had me reconsidering this plan of action; the alternative would be to stay in the US to complete my schooling in another subject (most likely in political science or international relations) and then seek to go into politics. I've been weighing the pros and cons of both these scenarios, and neither is wanting for compelling reasons.

Reasons for staying the course: I love Denmark. I'd never actually experienced love for a country before I went there and just about the moment I came back from my first trip there I decided I wanted to make a home for myself there. This is pretty much the single greatest force motivating me to stay the course; aside from that, there's also the fact that I've never been able to settle on what exactly I wanted to do with myself (college took me so damn long because I kept bouncing from major to major, always finding myself drawn to a different career path), and part of me feels like that needs to stop and I need to finally just stick with one plan, one career choice.

Cons: Aside from the logistics and the cost of moving, bringing my possessions to another country, acclimating to living in another country, the fact is I've struggled a lot with Danish since I started learning it; my reading and writing is fairly good, but for one reason or another I just struggle terribly with understanding spoken Danish, which is an obvious impediment to living there and an even more obvious impediment to teaching there. Furthermore, teaching English as a career choice was never out of passion for teaching so much as out of convenience, as it seemed like the best way to find a niche that needs filling in another country: in other words, it was pretty much just an extension of moving to Denmark. I have very little actual passion for teaching.

Reasons for changing gears to staying here and going into political studies: Again, aside from sparing myself and my family (because I'd need their help to move) the financial and time-related costs of moving to another country, I'd not have to master another language or adjust to another country. More importantly, politics is a huge passion of mine and the thought of going into that as a career-- or even seeking out elected office-- was always a dream of mine in my youth. I love reading about political figures and presidents and it always seemed like the best way to do the most good for the most amount of people, so it's a natural career choice.

Cons: I'd be giving up on the notion of living in a country I genuinely love and want to be part of; my political lens is distinctly American, and I really doubt I could go into politics in Denmark. Moreover, it'd mean the months I've spent trying to beat Danish into my skull were months wasted, because inasmuch as I recognise and appreciate the value of learning another language, I was principally learning it because I'd need it to move to Denmark. And, well, I'd feel silly doing a 180 yet again after all these months going on about how much I love Denmark and how determined I am to make a new life there. I don't want people to think of me as flighty or indecisive or something (even if this entire quandary kind of points to me being very much the latter). But mainly, it's just that I really, really like Denmark and I'd love to make a home for myself there, and I'd be giving up on that.

I'm torn. The second I feel like I'm starting to lean one way, I remember all the reasons I have to be leaning the other way. Putting those doubts into words helped a little, at least, though if anybody has any perspectives or advice they'd like to share, I'm all ears, because I still don't know what, ultimately, is the right path for me to take.

[dehro]

If anything, having issues with the spoken language should be a driving force pushing you to go there, for however briefly, anytime you can. Moving there would force you to learn, to practice and to, finally, understand, because your daily life and livelyhood would depend on it, and the full immersion can only make things gradually easier.
If politics is an interest of yours, you could get into journalism and write for US news outlets about Denmark/Europe, or for Danish newspapers about US politics.
The other considerations are practical or... emotional.. and you're really the best person to consider their merit.

[Velaryon]

I've been pretty torn over a decision I'll have to make-- genuinely unable to choose between two options, not 'implicitly I know what I want to do and I just want people to validate that choice'. For the past several months I've been planning to move to Denmark and pursue a career as an English teacher, but some recent prodding from family has had me reconsidering this plan of action; the alternative would be to stay in the US to complete my schooling in another subject (most likely in political science or international relations) and then seek to go into politics. I've been weighing the pros and cons of both these scenarios, and neither is wanting for compelling reasons.

I didn't quote the rest of the post for length reasons, but what I took from this (please correct me if I'm wrong) is that it largely comes down to your love of Denmark vs. your interest in and desire to participate in American politics. It sounds like you have no real desire to teach English, and you're mainly considering that only because it seems like the best way to make a living in Denmark with your current skill set.

As someone who majored in political science myself, I found it difficult to apply the degree. It seemed to me that the main ways I could use the degree were to teach it (which I didn't want to do and it sounds like you don't either) or as a launch-pad to law school. With that said, how exactly do you plan to get involved in politics? Running for office doesn't require a degree in it; if anything, any appearance of knowing what you're talking about on political issues seems to turn some voters off. Becoming a lawyer is a common way to get into politics, but law school is hard and quite time-consuming, so if you don't want to actually practice law... I'm not sure that's a path you would want to do. But it's something to at least consider and make a decision on one way or another.

Here's an idea: is there any way you could pursue your schooling and maybe study abroad for a semester or two? If such an arrangement can be made, that might scratch your Denmark itch while still letting you keep politics as your main career goal.

[zlefin]

comrade ->
how much work in politics have you already done? like student council and other such stuff; as well as volunteer work at campaigns and such.
Doing good through politics is actually pretty hard in practice; it's a brutal game, and there's a lot of not nice people in it. Actually getting the support to implement good changes (plus even simply recognizing what good changes are) is very very hard. It's also like having a customer service job, with even less pleasant customers.


Don't let the fallacy of sunk costs prevent you from making the best choice going forward. and to help ameliorate the unpleasant feeling of waste which happens anyways: think of it as you were investing in keeping multiple options viable while you settle on a decision.

If you go to denmark, you'll probably pick up Danish fast enough; immersion learning tends to go quite fast.

Teaching english doesn't have to be a career; simply a job you do until you can find a job you like better. or if you can't, it's still just a job that lets you live where you like; it's called work for a reason after all.

Even if you don't go to denmark now, that doesn't mean you couldn't potentially go there later some day. (admittedly the nature of some careers makes it hard to go to another country and find work)

[2D8HP]

...Denmark...


Unfamiliar surroundings are a pain, and learning a new language is extremely difficult (for me!), but if you do go I'd be thrilled to learn your impressions (since some topics wouldn't mesh with this Forum, maybe a blog?).

Best wishes whichever you decide, and FWIW I've been reading multiple books about modern Scandinavia so your not the only American who's interested in the place.

Good luck!

[Comrade]

If you go to denmark, you'll probably pick up Danish fast enough; immersion learning tends to go quite fast.

If anything, having issues with the spoken language should be a driving force pushing you to go there, for however briefly, anytime you can. Moving there would force you to learn, to practice and to, finally, understand, because your daily life and livelyhood would depend on it, and the full immersion can only make things gradually easier.
If politics is an interest of yours, you could get into journalism and write for US news outlets about Denmark/Europe, or for Danish newspapers about US politics.
Unfortunately, picking up the language while living there is not an option; you're required to demonstrate a native level of Danish before applying to universities there. As for journalism, my desire to get involved in politics is mostly a matter of wanting to actually effect change and have an active role in policy rather than writing about it.


With that said, how exactly do you plan to get involved in politics? Running for office doesn't require a degree in it; if anything, any appearance of knowing what you're talking about on political issues seems to turn some voters off. Becoming a lawyer is a common way to get into politics, but law school is hard and quite time-consuming, so if you don't want to actually practice law... I'm not sure that's a path you would want to do. But it's something to at least consider and make a decision on one way or another.
Law school was mentioned by those in my family who have been encouraging me to turn to politics, but it's definitely not for me; practising law doesn't appeal to me in the least, even as a stepping stone to political office. My prevailing interest has actually always been in foreign policy and international relations, and I always figured that if I were to pursue politics without simply running for a local office and then building up from there, I'd receive an education in that field and seek out a government position working on foreign policy, or go into campaign management.


Here's an idea: is there any way you could pursue your schooling and maybe study abroad for a semester or two? If such an arrangement can be made, that might scratch your Denmark itch while still letting you keep politics as your main career goal.
I hadn't actually thought about that-- I'm pretty sure such an arrangement would be possible, yeah.


comrade ->
how much work in politics have you already done? like student council and other such stuff; as well as volunteer work at campaigns and such.
Doing good through politics is actually pretty hard in practice; it's a brutal game, and there's a lot of not nice people in it. Actually getting the support to implement good changes (plus even simply recognizing what good changes are) is very very hard. It's also like having a customer service job, with even less pleasant customers.
Admittedly, I don't have much actual hands-on experience. I don't really have any illusions about it being easy or pleasant, though, nor would I even expect to necessarily succeed in the event that I did attempt to seek elected office.


Even if you don't go to denmark now, that doesn't mean you couldn't potentially go there later some day. (admittedly the nature of some careers makes it hard to go to another country and find work)

That's also something I should bear in mind, yeah.

[Florian]

@Comrade:

Going into politics is a delicate topic. Where I´m from, most people who enter a political party with high hopes quit again under one year because it´s so tedious and everything looks so futile when you´re new, don´t have the right connections and didn´t manage to find a patron to back you - this is doubly true if you´re a member of a party with slim chances to succeed.

When getting started at it, you need what we call a "durable butt", meaning you have to endure sitting in the right committees and back the right superior(s) in your party, all the while building your network of contacts so you can advance on your own.

It´s ironic, but all across europa, a good chunk of politicians are either teaches, lawyers or journalists because those three professions have the right mix of free time, background knowledge and possibly access to the right people to actually excel at this until they can make the transition and make politics their day job.

[Florian]

A weird thing came up that keeps occupying my mind.

Background: I´m in the process of transitioning from contract brewing to investing in a (at least) semi-professional brew house including a bottling line and all that, finally settling down for good.

So I´ve met three guys who financed their product using crowdfunding and what they´ve created is a blast. Frankly, one of the best beers I´ve ever tasted and I´ve tasted a lot.
Basically, the same problem with engineering type all over the world, they spent their whole initial money to get the first batch done, have no clue on how to sell it and even less insight how the market works and what it means getting a contract with one of the bigger chains, how logistics work, and so on. And no, they can´t go the usual route of having their own small tap room as that doesn´t work with their particular product.

As a gesture of goodwill, I´ve initiated an appointment with the F&B manager of a luxury hotel chain to give their sales (and confidence) a boost, but I know their production and contracting scheme doesn´t allow for restocking when they´d have success, which is probably the harshest kind of failure.

So, what to do?

Their ebitda is a joke and we´re actually looking for a competent brewmaster. A buy-out offer would be cheap, but we only need one brewmaster and those guys are friends, so we´d have to let two of them go, a decision and situation I simply don´t want to force on friends.

A 25% buy-in followed by an intra-company loan would also work, but it would only solve part of the problems. Using our upcoming facilities and investing into upgrading their special tech, we could solve their production bottleneck together, but that still leaves the sales department as a problem.

That leaves the option I actually want to avoid: Waiting for them to fail, hiring them on a regular basis and buy-out of the recipes and techniques for bargain-bin values. That´s just not how I do business.

The kind of complications I want to avoid :(

[Comrade]

Unfamiliar surroundings are a pain, and learning a new language is extremely difficult (for me!), but if you do go I'd be thrilled to learn your impressions (since some topics wouldn't mesh with this Forum, maybe a blog?).

Best wishes whichever you decide, and FWIW I've been reading multiple books about modern Scandinavia so your not the only American who's interested in the place.

Good luck!

Thanks most kindly. I've been there a couple of times and don't mind sharing my impressions from those visits if that's something you're interested in, but as is no doubt to be expected, if you really want to get to know Denmark, there's no better way than to go there yourself.

[sktarq]

A weird thing came up that keeps occupying my mind.

Background: I´m in the process of transitioning from contract brewing to investing in a (at least) semi-professional brew house including a bottling line and all that, finally settling down for good.

So I´ve met three guys who financed their product using crowdfunding and what they´ve created is a blast. Frankly, one of the best beers I´ve ever tasted and I´ve tasted a lot.
......

That leaves the option I actually want to avoid: Waiting for them to fail, hiring them on a regular basis and buy-out of the recipes and techniques for bargain-bin values. That´s just not how I do business.

The kind of complications I want to avoid :(

If the product is good enough and distinct enough would it be worth it for you to do an investment/partial buy out of them and keep them as a specially label within your own system? Something along the range between the Brabus-Mercedes relation to the Motorsports (M) Division within BMW. Thus they keep something of individual identify and the internal chemistry that helped them develop their superior work but you get to use your distribution and sales system. Write in an option that in event of failure you have first option to buy the tech/recipes as a backup.

and there is the standard VC trope-put in money and award yourself "management contracts" for the business side of things (logistics and sales and probably accounting) while the founders work on the "widget" which in this case is superior beer.

[dehro]

A 25% buy-in followed by an intra-company loan would also work, but it would only solve part of the problems. Using our upcoming facilities and investing into upgrading their special tech, we could solve their production bottleneck together, but that still leaves the sales department as a problem.

A friend of mine, here in Italy, owns a pub where he only serves craft beer, from all over the world, and usually never the same labels for longer than a week or two. I know a lot is done by word of mouth and I know there are similar places all over the country (though few are as specialised and knowledgeable about it as he is). I know of at least one trade show where publicans tend to flock to to get the latest in craft beer for their establishments.
Are those not avenues for your guys to get their product on the market?

The buy-in sounds like a solid plan.. and you come over as financially competent, so.. what exactly is the problem sales-wise?
Would your structure not include a sales person that could supplement their obvious difficulties in that department?
I guess I'm a little confused by your own set-up... you're putting together the production line but lack a brewmaster.. so I assume you do at least have a solid set of contacts for sales purposes, or you wouldn't be starting your own company. So, I'm not seeing the problem here. Am I just being obtuse because it's late?

[Velaryon]

My own day isn't going so well either. Tonight was supposed to be my first Teen Advisory Board meeting at my new library, and also my first High School Action Committee (apparently in the past we've had some teens who were so committed to volunteering they asked for a second group in addition to the TAB). Not one single teen came to either meeting. I don't know if I scheduled it on a bad day, failed to promote it properly, or if I just had bad luck, but I'm already struggling with Impostor Syndrome in this job and this sure as hell isn't helping.

Impostor syndrome continues. My track record at teen events in the library this month is absolutely horrid. I did a simple board game program the week after this, and one teen came. He beat me in a game of King of Tokyo though, and seemed to have fun, so that's something I guess. Then today was the young adult book club, and again nobody came. So that's a combined attendance of one teen at my last four programs on-site.

I did have a wildly successful program at one of the schools last week (32 kids came to make fidget spinners after school with me and the school librarian). That's pretty awesome, and I'm definitely interested in doing more programs at the schools, but I need to find a way to get them in to the public library too. And it increasingly feels like I'm just not that good at this.

[Recherché]

Quick question but how are you advertising all these events?

[AuthorGirl]

Impostor syndrome continues. My track record at teen events in the library this month is absolutely horrid. I did a simple board game program the week after this, and one teen came. He beat me in a game of King of Tokyo though, and seemed to have fun, so that's something I guess. Then today was the young adult book club, and again nobody came. So that's a combined attendance of one teen at my last four programs on-site.

I did have a wildly successful program at one of the schools last week (32 kids came to make fidget spinners after school with me and the school librarian). That's pretty awesome, and I'm definitely interested in doing more programs at the schools, but I need to find a way to get them in to the public library too. And it increasingly feels like I'm just not that good at this.

Library youth coordinator-type person? Oh dear. What a thankless and absolutely essential job.

If you want a teenager's opinion, it goes like this: word-of-mouth campaigns are everything. Kids need to tell each other about the cool stuff you're offering, or nobody will show up.

Unfortunately, they need to find out about stuff before they'll talk about it.

You could try using your school programs as an opportunity to mention your library ones.

[Thrawn4]

Impostor syndrome continues.
Annoying syndrome, to be sure. Well, fighting it usually involves some hard work, so let's have a look at possible explanations.
Either you don't advertise well enough, your events are not interesting enough or your target group is just not interested at the moment. The last thing is almost certainly a factor, but what do you do for advertising/promoting? What do you offer?

Also, I am not sure on the job description. Can somebody fill me in?

[FinnLassie]

I wish that some day I'd get to tackle my past traumatic issues at therapy instead of dealing with the immediate panic and horrible moods that my eldest sister causes me at leat twice a month.

A week and a half ago I actually told my sister how pushy, arrogant, overbearing and rude she is, how she's caused me to become extremely anxious around her. She didn't take it too well (left out how she blackmails with her kids, I didn't want an utter hurricane out of this). Instead she turned some things against me, for example comparing my suicidal thoughts to her and dad's bitter relationship, trying to make them seem equal. She also immediately started demanding that I tell her examples of how she's been too pushy and arrogant. I almost told her that you know, like what you're doing right now, but I stopped responding at that point.

Before that she also just out of the blue drew the conclusion that I never ever want to see her again. It's what she always does. Creates scenarios in her head and throws herself as the victim, like everyone is against her. It baffles me how in her mind things seem to be black and white. For example, deep down I have a very negative relationship with my mother but instead of cutting all contact I have decided that it's better to keep in contact. How else could we work on our relationship? Same goes with dad. I'm not bitter with him anymore, because I see him somewhat regularly (once every month, talk on the phone about every week). We've managed to work on our issues. Still hurtful, but by abandoning the issue it will never become better. Excluding my extremely abusive brother from this equasion, he beat me, forced me to do things and emotionally abused the hell out of me. I have the right to decide when I'm ready to confront him.

All of our family agrees that she needs some professional help, an outlet where she can discuss her feelings and work on them... but it has to happen from her own will. That'll take time. She's stubborn as hell.

[Velaryon]

Quick question but how are you advertising all these events?

1. Library website.
2. Library social media, including Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr.
3. Brochures at the Reference desk, and also handed out at the open house events at the high school and junior high schools last month.
4. Posters near the teen collection, in the teen area, at the front and back doors of the library, and emailed to the school librarians, who say they will put them up.
5. I brought a stack of brochures to the program I did at the junior high school, but since we ran over time I was not able to pass them out. Next time I'm going to pass them out at the beginning just in case.
6. After the failed Teen Advisory Board meeting, I took my predecessor's advice and mailed letters to the students who came last year to let them know about the date change (which I had little choice about).



Library youth coordinator-type person? Oh dear. What a thankless and absolutely essential job.

If you want a teenager's opinion, it goes like this: word-of-mouth campaigns are everything. Kids need to tell each other about the cool stuff you're offering, or nobody will show up.

Unfortunately, they need to find out about stuff before they'll talk about it.

You could try using your school programs as an opportunity to mention your library ones.

Thanks, that does help. And I've also been told it's self-reinforcing, in that if one or two kids come to a program with low turnout, they're going to feel weird and probably not come again. I have made a few connections to individual teens, but one had already graduated and is now off to college, one is a home-schooled kid on the autism spectrum who has few if any friends his own age, and the other is busy with extracurriculars and sports, and can't make it to the library right now.

I did try to use the afterschool program as an advertising opportunity, but ran out of time due to the program running long. Going to try it again next time.



Annoying syndrome, to be sure. Well, fighting it usually involves some hard work, so let's have a look at possible explanations.
Either you don't advertise well enough, your events are not interesting enough or your target group is just not interested at the moment. The last thing is almost certainly a factor, but what do you do for advertising/promoting? What do you offer?

Also, I am not sure on the job description. Can somebody fill me in?

Covered my advertising methods up above. I definitely have some other external factors working against me, such as:
1. I'm new and the kids don't know me as well as the previous teen librarian yet
2. all of the schools are at least a mile from the library (the high school is more than 2 miles away), so they would have some distance to travel
3. the school librarians want to work with me, but are stretched extremely thin at the moment because there are only two of them for the whole district anymore (elementary, junior high, and high school combined)
4. It's near the beginning of the school year and there's a lot of other stuff they have to do.

As for my job description, here's a short list of the things I do:

1. plan and implement programs for young adults (middle school and high school)
2. make selection/deselection decisions for teen library materials
3. maintain the teen space in the library
4. actively and passively make reading recommendations for young adult material (including brochures and such)
5. act as the library's liaison with junior high and high schools
6. do adult reference librarian stuff (answer information questions, help people find and use library materials, help with computer stuff, faxing, copying, etc.)
7. "other duties as assigned," meaning all sorts of somewhat related things that may come up here and there

I'm going to have to become a notary public as well, since all the reference librarians in my department are. That's currently stalled because someone in the state government is incompetent.

[AgentofOdd]

So, I'd like to request some advice.

In my job, one of the things I'm asked to do is basically be a middle man between my co-workers and the outside world since I'm the only one with native fluency in English. Unfortunately, one reason my help may be needed is because the person we need to talk to is so frustrated/angry that communication with them becomes difficult. Emotional people tend to speak quickly and forget to simplify their vocabulary. For better or for worse, this can honestly make me resent my co-workers. Logically helping them is one of my duties, but I'm not fond of other people getting angry/frustrated at me for things that are ultimately not my responsibility.

So, my question is, does anyone have any tips/advise on how to calm oneself and not get too worked up about an unpleasant part of your job?

[dehro]

So, I'd like to request some advice.

In my job, one of the things I'm asked to do is basically be a middle man between my co-workers and the outside world since I'm the only one with native fluency in English. Unfortunately, one reason my help may be needed is because the person we need to talk to is so frustrated/angry that communication with them becomes difficult. Emotional people tend to speak quickly and forget to simplify their vocabulary. For better or for worse, this can honestly make me resent my co-workers. Logically helping them is one of my duties, but I'm not fond of other people getting angry/frustrated at me for things that are ultimately not my responsibility.

So, my question is, does anyone have any tips/advise on how to calm oneself and not get too worked up about an unpleasant part of your job?

Breathing exercises? Trying to anticipate as much as you can in the way of what's going to be said and what may/will trigger the other person in order to be prepared for when it happens?
Other than that, I'd suggest actually broaching the subject with the other person in question, in an informal setting if it's a single individual, or at the start of the conversation if it's a new person each time... explaining that you know there may be some anger involved from their part, but that you're there just as an inbetween, so if they can please take it into consideration. It might actually defuse at least some of the animosity.

[sktarq]

A week and a half ago I actually told my sister how pushy, arrogant, overbearing and rude she is, how she's caused me to become extremely anxious around her....
Before that she also just out of the blue drew the conclusion that I never ever want to see her again. It's what she always does. Creates scenarios in her head and throws herself as the victim, like everyone is against her. It baffles me how in her mind things seem to be black and white....
All of our family agrees that she needs some professional help, an outlet where she can discuss her feelings and work on them... but it has to happen from her own will. That'll take time. She's stubborn as hell.

You need to be ready for the idea that she doesn't see it as a problem and thus will never want help.

Dealing with these kinds of people is often difficult for decades.
Best advice I can give you is to develop a way of either blowing her off without walking away or a way to link current conflicts with one where you already have an "agree to disagree" setup. And be sure to set up boundaries NOW. So that when she challenges them you already have the mental plan and she knows it.

[Recherché]

My boss is going on a major micromanagement trip right now and trying to control everything from people making small chat with other coworkers when there's not much to do to assigning seats at computer stations that were previously free to use.

I sort of understand that right now we have a ton of new hires and we're looking at a very busy season. But this is really not helping anything. Also the fact that we have trainees now is because the boss didn't listen to anyone else about how short staffed we were until over a month after it was gently brought up and she dismissed it.

This micromanagement and some other toxic office politics are really making my anxiety issues worse and I'm already in a period where depression is hitting me like an adamantium greataxe. I don't really want to confront the boss directly when she's this way but it's giving me crying fits and I'm starting to dread every email from her. I'm slowly starting to look for a new job but no luck so far and I'd really rather not collapse in a nervous breakdown before I find something else.

Any advice on how to survive this?

[WarKitty]

I'm making more mistakes at work and I think a lot of it is that I'm very stressed out. I could go back to the doctor but I think they'd just tell me to go back on meds, and I don't really want to do that right now (and don't even get me started on therapy). The main thing there is I don't think there's anything wrong with me, I think I'm having a normal reaction to a **** situation that I can't immediately change, and I'm not sure anxiety medication is the right reaction to that. But I'm worried the stress from dealing with my family plus some sleeping problems and the whole eating issues I've been having lately is going to mess with my job, and I'm not really sure what to do.

[AgentofOdd]

Breathing exercises? Trying to anticipate as much as you can in the way of what's going to be said and what may/will trigger the other person in order to be prepared for when it happens?
Other than that, I'd suggest actually broaching the subject with the other person in question, in an informal setting if it's a single individual, or at the start of the conversation if it's a new person each time... explaining that you know there may be some anger involved from their part, but that you're there just as an inbetween, so if they can please take it into consideration. It might actually defuse at least some of the animosity.All sound advice. Thank you. I guess once I calmed down a bit, some these ideas also came to my mind, but the venting did help a bit. Also confirming plans to mentally prepare yourself for work aint bad also helps.

[Velaryon]

My boss is going on a major micromanagement trip right now and trying to control everything from people making small chat with other coworkers when there's not much to do to assigning seats at computer stations that were previously free to use.

I sort of understand that right now we have a ton of new hires and we're looking at a very busy season. But this is really not helping anything. Also the fact that we have trainees now is because the boss didn't listen to anyone else about how short staffed we were until over a month after it was gently brought up and she dismissed it.

This micromanagement and some other toxic office politics are really making my anxiety issues worse and I'm already in a period where depression is hitting me like an adamantium greataxe. I don't really want to confront the boss directly when she's this way but it's giving me crying fits and I'm starting to dread every email from her. I'm slowly starting to look for a new job but no luck so far and I'd really rather not collapse in a nervous breakdown before I find something else.

Any advice on how to survive this?

Are you in a job where you can take personal days? If so, take one, or take two if you can. If not, then whenever your day off comes up, try to plan a relaxing day with minimal demands on your time. Take some time to relax and do something you enjoy. Then update your resume and think about where, when, and how you can look for a new job.

In the meantime, it sounds like your boss put herself in a bad situation over the staffing thing, and is now trying to over-correct for her own stressful situation. Was she a pretty good boss before this, or no? Is she the kind of person who would respond positively to helpful suggestions or offers to help, or would that make things worse? If she was a good boss previously, and if she might be open to suggestions, try to figure out what additional stresses she's under, and whether there's anything you and the others in your department can do to lighten that load. If the extra stress on her is relieved, maybe she'll stop micromanaging.

If she wasn't a good boss before, or if you think trying to be proactive about the situation would just make things worse, then just do your best to deal with it until you can get out and find another job.

[Saint Jimmy]

Well, I have a little conundrum. My high school drama isn't as bad as a lot of the stuff on this thread, but it's been on my mind a lot the past few hours.

So I have a friend, S. Now S is in a relationship with E. is like a year and a half younger then me and like 6-7 months younger then S. This is important because I am helping coach E's mock trial team this year (I'm a freshman, she's in 8th grade).
It is also important because other then Mock Trial, I am never around E unless it's because S is there as well, for reasons you will see below.

However, E is constantly doing crap like calling me an emo, usually in front of her entire team and all the coaches, which everyone I know understands that I hate unless it's clearly a joke, but when it is shouted at you, often combined with other insults like "who will never be anyone's valentine" (yeah, I know, stupid stuff, but it gets really old after awhile.)
a lot, especially at the practices in which I am helping coach.)

Now, this is really irritating, mainly because I am volunteering my time and effort and raising my already substantial stress level and therefor my anxiety to help coach, and I'm getting paid back with insults. But wait, there's more.
Tonight was our schools homecoming game, so I was with my brother and his girlfriend watching it. A bunch of our friends were there, and one of them was S. So unsurprisingly E shows up... and proceeds to make incest jokes about my brother and I. Neither of us are remotely ok with that, and we tell her that. I tell her that if she does it again I'm gonna take her hat. Probably not the best response, but I was pretty ticked at that point.
Long story short, she makes another one, I take the hat ant start walking away like I said I was, trying to prove the point of "if I say stop, I mean stop." Then she chases after me, and tried to choke me for a few minutes with the hood of my jacket.
Hard. So at this point I'm insanely pissed, after all, being choked is not a pleasant thing. However I don't do anything because she is half my size and I don't want to accidentky hurt her while forcing her off. My brother moves up and forcible separates us without hurting anyone, which I am grateful for. Then E starts playing the victim, saying that she needs the hat so she doesn't get a headache.

Questionable reasoning aside for now, I have a more urgent thing. E's team has a practice tomorrow that I should be there for. I don't have to, but I should. I'm just not looking forward to seeing her again and dealing with the stupid put downs, especially after what I just described at the game. I am thinking about just going and telling her in no uncertain terms that she needs to stop, but if history is a clue she won't. I don't know what to do if she doesn't though. I'm still a coach though, so it seems really unprofessional to stop the practice and tell her to stop.
Am I overreacting? Did I do stuff wrong? I'm sure I did somewhere. What should I do? Or do I just need to calm the hell down?
Edit: sorry for the poor phrasing and various spelling and grammatical errors, I'm tying on my phone and I needed to be a sleep an hour ago.

[dehro]

if you're a coach, doesn't that give you some degree of authority over her AND her team mates?
use it.
In your place I'd shame her behaviour publicly.
The next time she annoys you in front of the team/coaches, take a minute to tell her publicly something in the way of: You're a mean little ****, you enjoy taking every opportunity to harrass, bother, annoy and offend me personally and people I care about. I have warned you multiple times. You need to grow up and seem to refuse to do so. Lucky for you, I'm here to help you doing just that. For this reason I shall now proceed to... and then you can pick between... doubling her workload/responsibilities/duties, expanding her role to a position where she is set up to fail (and her team with her... and you tell her just that), bench her until she behaves, ridicule her with some stupid task that she has no choice but complete, make her wear a clown outfit or hold a stupid sign for the rest of the training or even the actual event, single her out for other stuff... whatever else is both a punishment and a learning opportunity/experience.... and fits your particular relationship/coaching role.
If you don't have the authority to do something of the kind, talk to the people who do beforehand, explain the situation and then ask for their backup when you do claim that authority. Just make sure that whatever the situation is, it is clear to her AND to anybody else that she brought it on herself (or possibly her team) and deserved it.
If none of that appeals or is workable, you can chose between bearing it and actually engaging with her by finding her weaknesses in the tasks/challenge she has ahead of her and help her out by training her in those specifically. That way she can learn to appreciate you or you can at least tell yourself you've actually done all you could and now you can wash your hands of her.
No, your friend does not play a role in this dynamic, and if he claims one, you can tell him just that, and that he can either help you making her come to better judgement or stay out of it.

[Florian]

Am I overreacting? Did I do stuff wrong? I'm sure I did somewhere. What should I do? Or do I just need to calm the hell down.

Basic rookie mistakes. Being a "coach" means being part of the basic student - teacher - power structure and wielding a certain kind of authority, as that´s necessary to train a pupil, as is the necessity of the pupil to submit to that structure to actually receive training.

That might seem very old fashioned, but serves a practical purpose. It´s natural for pupils of a certain age to try and probe the extend of that power structure and try to see how far they can go before before they reach their limits and serious repercussions will happen.

Forget about your friend "S", who does not play a role in all of this, and rather focus on the fact that a "coach" should prepare a pupil to excel in the "real world" later on, which most of the time doesn´t happen by being somehow aquatinted to someone on authority and pressuring that person for results.

Talk to "S" that what will come doesn´t have to do with him or your friendship, talk to your fellow coaches about the overall problem and get them to see your problem, as well as agree to your possible solution, then begin to wield a whip and wield it hard and painfully. "Spare the rod, spoil the child" and all that, at least if you want to be a "coach" and train "E" as well as the team.

[zlefin]

My boss is going on a major micromanagement trip right now and trying to control everything from people making small chat with other coworkers when there's not much to do to assigning seats at computer stations that were previously free to use.

I sort of understand that right now we have a ton of new hires and we're looking at a very busy season. But this is really not helping anything. Also the fact that we have trainees now is because the boss didn't listen to anyone else about how short staffed we were until over a month after it was gently brought up and she dismissed it.

This micromanagement and some other toxic office politics are really making my anxiety issues worse and I'm already in a period where depression is hitting me like an adamantium greataxe. I don't really want to confront the boss directly when she's this way but it's giving me crying fits and I'm starting to dread every email from her. I'm slowly starting to look for a new job but no luck so far and I'd really rather not collapse in a nervous breakdown before I find something else.

Any advice on how to survive this?
is there an hr department you can go to?
or your bosses' boss?

if you can do one of those i'd recommend it; and emphasize that the problem is you're having a breakdown (especially if you've been formally diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder, which might make disability-related protections apply, not sure about that). by centering the discussion about you having a breakdwon it makes it harder for anyone to cast blame on you when your boss is talked to afterwards by whoever you'd contacted.

[zlefin]

I'm making more mistakes at work and I think a lot of it is that I'm very stressed out. I could go back to the doctor but I think they'd just tell me to go back on meds, and I don't really want to do that right now (and don't even get me started on therapy). The main thing there is I don't think there's anything wrong with me, I think I'm having a normal reaction to a **** situation that I can't immediately change, and I'm not sure anxiety medication is the right reaction to that. But I'm worried the stress from dealing with my family plus some sleeping problems and the whole eating issues I've been having lately is going to mess with my job, and I'm not really sure what to do.

i'd recommend going back on the meds IF the doc recommends it.

Even if a reaction to a bad situation is normal, meds can still be helpful in moderating the reaction. There is something wrong with you: you're badly stressed, and if the meds can help with that, then use 'em. As long as the benefits of them outweigh the downsides.
we live in an imperfect world, so sometimes we have to use imperfect solutions. Ideally you'd take time off, get more rest and de-stressing in. but that's not an option, so you'll have to make do with other options.

[Saint Jimmy]

Well, update. I didn't have time to talk to anyone, since I woke up 40 min before practice. (I need to set an alarm clock...)
But E was actually way better today without me having to talk to her, probably because we actually started working on the parts and stuff and most of the other coaches weren't there, so I actually got some form of respect, and was able to effectively teach. Maybe she finally got the point from last week, or it was just because other coaches weren't there. Either way, I'll keep your advice in mind for the future. Thanks a bunch!

[Grytorm]

If I dont want to be lonely what should I do with my time.

[ve4grm]

If I dont want to be lonely what should I do with my time.

Have you considered joining a club of some sort? Something that matches your interests?

Alternatively, I'd suggest volunteering. It's a great way to get out around people, and important causes always exist. If you are in school, or have a church you go to, they may even be able to point you towards some opportunities. (Also, volunteering looks great on a resume.)

[Thrawn4]

If I dont want to be lonely what should I do with my time.
A friend of mine once gave me solid advice: If you don't know what to do, do something that make other people happy.
Worked for me.

[Thrawn4]

Any advice on how to survive this?

Well first of all you could talk to your colleagues and see how they feel about it and whether they have some ideas.

You could also write a letter in which you carefully explain how these measures are counterproductive and suggest ways of improving productivity without creating toxicity. You know, open a dialogue. You don't have to do it on your own either. Ask your colleagues whether they wann to help. The letter can be either anonymous or signed by every colleague (I recommend the latter).

[Thrawn4]

But I'm worried the stress from dealing with my family plus some sleeping problems and the whole eating issues I've been having lately is going to mess with my job, and I'm not really sure what to do.
You definitely need some ways of stress relief. Sometimes even a long walk can help, especially with the sleeping issues.

[WarKitty]

You definitely need some ways of stress relief. Sometimes even a long walk can help, especially with the sleeping issues.

Not feasible with my schedule.

[2D8HP]

...I'm slowly starting to look for a new job but no luck so far and I'd really rather not collapse in a nervous breakdown before I find something else.

Any advice on how to survive this?


:eek: :frown:

Depending on how quickly you need to operate a motor vehicle this won't be safe, and if you do this long enough liver damage results, but when I worked in sales for an owner that ordered us to lie and gave out bonus for sales, what worked for me was getting intoxicated by alcohol after driving to work.

Being drunk enough made my conscience less alert, and once I cared less about honesty and being a good person I was a much better employee.

Eventually I was able to get a blue-collar job for the City and avoid working for for profit enterprises altogether, but for seven years being intoxicated worked.

[Recherché]

... Uhm no alcohol for me. It interacts really poorly with some of the meds I'm on. Also I don't normally drive to or from work. It's a less than 20 min bike ride and my partner actually needs the one car to get to her job

[2D8HP]

... Uhm no alcohol for me....


Congrats on the bicycle commute! so very envious

What may make it more bearable is to regard your time at work as an acting role.

Make up a character that isn't you and wear a costume (part your hair on a different side or even wear a wig, clothes you never wear except at work, etc.), come up with a catch-phrase for your "character", ('that's the way the pizza slices' or whatever) that you only say at work, things that make being at work and not at work more distinct.

That may not make being at work work much more bearable (unless you enjoy "fooling people"), but it should make your time at work seem more dream-like and easier to forget, as well as reminding yourself that who you are at that place is not the totality of your life (yes I've spent time in jobs I hated... well actually most of the time at all of them).

[The Fury]

I've read a few self help books, and they've affected me in weird way. I'm more introspective, but in a way that feels like staring into an abyss. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I'm not sleeping well, I'm sad constantly, and it's actually starting to... hurt. As in actual physical pain in my chest. The strange thing is, I'm not sure if I've started feeling this way because the books aren't working or because they are.

[Cozzer]

That's what I experienced when therapy started being effective, so I'd take it as a possible good sign. The "abyss" is there and affects you, whether you stare into it or not, and becoming aware of its presence is a necessary step. As clichèd as it is, it does have to get worse before it gets better.

That said, it's likely that self-help books are not enough to guide you towards the "it gets better" phase, depending on how bad you're feeling. For now, anyway, I'd suggest to stop any form of introspection (unless you want to try the therapy route) and waiting for you mind to deal with this... since we're in a RPG forum: you just unlocked a new level of the dungeon with stronger enemies, and it feels overwhelming. Focus on surviving, you'll level up and eventually be confortable in this level. That's when you'll want to unlock the next one with further soul-searching, if you still want to delve deeper.

[The Fury]

That's what I experienced when therapy started being effective, so I'd take it as a possible good sign. The "abyss" is there and affects you, whether you stare into it or not, and becoming aware of its presence is a necessary step. As clichèd as it is, it does have to get worse before it gets better.

That said, it's likely that self-help books are not enough to guide you towards the "it gets better" phase, depending on how bad you're feeling. For now, anyway, I'd suggest to stop any form of introspection (unless you want to try the therapy route) and waiting for you mind to deal with this... since we're in a RPG forum: you just unlocked a new level of the dungeon with stronger enemies, and it feels overwhelming. Focus on surviving, you'll level up and eventually be confortable in this level. That's when you'll want to unlock the next one with further soul-searching, if you still want to delve deeper.

I can kind of get where you're coming from, "it's OK to slow down" is an idea that comes up frequently in a lot of what I'm reading as well. While it's a concept that I can appreciate in principle, it's also one that I'm very resistant towards. In fact, a lot of self-cultivating concepts like self-compassion, self acceptance, believing that I'm enough, and acknowledging and sharing my gifts are really just too much for me. The thing is, I need to change. My current job doesn't pay enough so I need to figure out how to pursue something better. I feel like playing through the pain is my only option right now.

[Cozzer]

While I don't know the details of the situation, I'll still advise you to pay attention. A common trap in these things is the belief that if you want or need X enough, X becomes possible. Trying to shrug off the time your mind needs to heal because you really really need it to already be healed now is like trying to shrug off the time a broken leg needs to heal because you really really need to walk to a place. It does not end with you getting there sooner, it ends with you getting there much later and after much unneeded pain. Or I could use the metaphor about how the muscles need strain and rest to get stronger, and so on.

So yeah, do what you need to do, but pay attention to the "I'll just ignore my limits because I'd rather not have them" trap. That's how you get into needing therapy, not how you get out of it. I'm speaking as an expert here. :smalltongue:

[Velaryon]

This week's teen group meetings went better, so I'm hoping that this is a good sign and not a fluke. I had 5 people for the High School Action Committee, which is like a volunteer group focused on raising awareness and doing fundraisers for the library, and I had 6 for Teen Advisory Board, which for us is more about improving library services to teens and planning events that they will be interested in.

I took my after-school craft program that I did at one junior high to the other school as well, and while it didn't get as many kids it was still enough to call it a success. I'll be doing a lunch-time book talk there tomorrow as well, so that gives me another chance to continue promoting our teen programs. Here's hoping that attendance starts to pick up for awhile.

[AuthorGirl]

This week's teen group meetings went better, so I'm hoping that this is a good sign and not a fluke. I had 5 people for the High School Action Committee, which is like a volunteer group focused on raising awareness and doing fundraisers for the library, and I had 6 for Teen Advisory Board, which for us is more about improving library services to teens and planning events that they will be interested in.

I took my after-school craft program that I did at one junior high to the other school as well, and while it didn't get as many kids it was still enough to call it a success. I'll be doing a lunch-time book talk there tomorrow as well, so that gives me another chance to continue promoting our teen programs. Here's hoping that attendance starts to pick up for awhile.

*bursts into enthusiastic applause*

It sounds like not only do you have participants, you have participants who are committed to getting you more participants. I predict the Impostor Syndrome shall be short-lived. :smallsmile:

[The Fury]

Things took a slightly happier turn for me. One exercise that was recommended to build the belief that I'm enough was to tell myself that for just once in a week showing up is enough-- this is another idea that I'm resistant towards. I've never gone anywhere and had "showing up" be the only thing that was wanted of me, everyone expects me to do more than that.

Last night I visited a friend and we played video games and I brought pizza, as it turned out we both had trouble sleeping all week. She told me that she was glad that I showed up anyway. I laughed it off and said, "Yeah, of course you're glad. I got you pizza!"

she looked me straight in the eye and said, "I would be glad that you're here, even if you didn't bring pizza."

After that, we pretty much had to hug. I'm nowhere near believing that my just showing up is going to be enough, but what she said was the real high point of the week for me.

[WarKitty]

My coworkers really need another topic of conversation than my other coworkers.

[zlefin]

My coworkers really need another topic of conversation than my other coworkers.

While i'm quite unfamiliar with such things in general, I'd guess as follows:
some people are fond of gossip and human drama; if that's what they, a shift is more likely to work for something more similar to that (as opposed to going farther afield such as into sports), celebrity gossip seems like the closest prospect.
in order to create a shift, you'd need to be involved quite a bit.
Or maybe you can try to get them all hooked on some new game or activity.

[WarKitty]

While i'm quite unfamiliar with such things in general, I'd guess as follows:
some people are fond of gossip and human drama; if that's what they, a shift is more likely to work for something more similar to that (as opposed to going farther afield such as into sports), celebrity gossip seems like the closest prospect.
in order to create a shift, you'd need to be involved quite a bit.
Or maybe you can try to get them all hooked on some new game or activity.

It's not general gossip, it's more of a general "everyone who doesn't do their job perfectly my way is stupid and lazy and I'm going to go on about it at length." Some people just feel the need to complain about everything. And you know of course, if they're doing it to others, they'll do it to you.

If you have an issue, deal with it like a freaking grownup.

[WarKitty]

Well, I was somewhat vindicated on that one. We had a group meeting, and our manager made very clear that gossip was not acceptable and people needed to either work it out with the person in question or with him, and that anyone who couldn't get along would be kicked back to the main floor.

[FinnLassie]

Well, I was somewhat vindicated on that one. We had a group meeting, and our manager made very clear that gossip was not acceptable and people needed to either work it out with the person in question or with him, and that anyone who couldn't get along would be kicked back to the main floor.

Well done by the management. Seems like you weren't bothered by this phenomenon.

[Comrade]

Celebrated my birthday yesterday, and I feel like it really underscored how badly my spell of depression/anxiety wreaked havoc on my 'social life', such as it is, during college. With only one or maybe two exceptions, pretty much everybody who attended was an old family friend, because I pretty much have no friends in my immediate vicinity-- I spent what seem to me to be the critical post-high school years, 18-21, being miserable and unsure of myself rather than making friends.

And now I'm not either of those in the least-- in fact, people have even remarked at how much I've changed, how much happier and more mature I seem. But I feel like because of those two or three years I spent being nervous and unhappy I missed out on that crucial window to meet people and forge new connections. It was easier to do during those years via the internet, but that didn't exactly help with making friends who live within a thousand kilometers of me. So now I... well, can't tell if I don't know how to do it, or if I just think I don't know how to do it and am just inventing this problem. I met an old classmate from back in high school and we've fallen to talking every now and then, but I'm wary of trying to (re)kindle a friendship there, or of trying to do that at all with people I meet via school.

The birthday itself was great, though, don't get me wrong.

[Cozzer]

It is harder to build new social connections after college ends. That doesn't mean it's impossible, or especially hard. It's just ridicolously easy when you're in college.

Don't worry about this. The first two or three people are the hardest. Then, each of these will have a whole social circle you can ask to be introduced to, and each of those people will have another and so on. You'll find the place where you fit in better, and then you're set to go. :smallsmile:

[dehro]

It's a porch, not a window. You can go sit on it whenever you like and wherever you are in your life. There's no expiration date on making friends.
My current friends are either remained from high school whom I mostly met a couple of times a year or people I met in my early thirties... and I'm something of a socially inept moron who has a hard time making friends.

[Comrade]

It is harder to build new social connections after college ends. That doesn't mean it's impossible, or especially hard. It's just ridicolously easy when you're in college.
To clarify, I'm still in college (probably not going to be done with college/university for a while yet). It's mostly the age window that concerns me, since the older people get, the more settled they seem to get in their established circle of friends and the less interested they seem in expanding it.


It's a porch, not a window. You can go sit on it whenever you like and wherever you are in your life. There's no expiration date on making friends.
My current friends are either remained from high school whom I mostly met a couple of times a year or people I met in my early thirties... and I'm something of a socially inept moron who has a hard time making friends.

Logically that seems to obviously be the case (not that you're a socially inept moron, that is, what you said before that), so I'm not sure what the problem is. Maybe it's just a lingering bit of anxiety or something.

[ve4grm]

To clarify, I'm still in college (probably not going to be done with college/university for a while yet). It's mostly the age window that concerns me, since the older people get, the more settled they seem to get in their established circle of friends and the less interested they seem in expanding it.



Logically that seems to obviously be the case (not that you're a socially inept moron, that is, what you said before that), so I'm not sure what the problem is. Maybe it's just a lingering bit of anxiety or something.

If you're still in college, you're by no means too late to make new friends. 99% of my lasting friends came during or after university. I barely talk to anybody from high school.

If it's something you're concerned about, I'd advise just putting yourself in social situations and making yourself accessible. As dehro put it, go sit on that porch.

[Cozzer]

To clarify, I'm still in college (probably not going to be done with college/university for a while yet). It's mostly the age window that concerns me, since the older people get, the more settled they seem to get in their established circle of friends and the less interested they seem in expanding it.

Weeell... in my experience, that thing tends to happen a bit towards the end of college. Then, when people start graduating and some/most of them move because of work-related reasons, the existing social circles get broken and shaken up quite a bit.

So yeah, don't worry: one way or another, you won't have a shortage of social circles happy to include new people. Just go out there as soon as you feel ready. Most people are nice people, if they don't have reasons not to be. :smallsmile:

[Comrade]

If it's something you're concerned about, I'd advise just putting yourself in social situations and making yourself accessible.



So yeah, don't worry: one way or another, you won't have a shortage of social circles happy to include new people. Just go out there as soon as you feel ready. Most people are nice people, if they don't have reasons not to be. :smallsmile:

Irony is, I do feel ready, I have no problem putting myself out there, but for one reason or another I vacillate on whether I have any faith that anything comes of it. Sometimes I just expect that if I try to reach out to somebody and make friends it's bound to not work out somehow.

[Honest Tiefling]

Irony is, I do feel ready, I have no problem putting myself out there, but for one reason or another I vacillate on whether I have any faith that anything comes of it. Sometimes I just expect that if I try to reach out to somebody and make friends it's bound to not work out somehow.

I'm in my thirties, and I haven't really seen this, just people not really getting out there for whatever reason.

But if you are still in college, what of getting people to come to you? Are you involved in any activities or events? Got a FLGS nearby? Have any hobbies that hold events? Perhaps consider getting involved and see what comes of it.

[2D8HP]

To clarify, I'm still in college (probably not going to be done with college/university for a while yet). It's mostly the age window that concerns me, since the older people get, the more settled they seem to get in their established circle of friends and the less interested they seem in expanding it.....


The not interested in expanding one social circle is true mostly because of lack of time, but being "settled" isn't. Except for the person whom I married and my son, I don't spend any time with anyone that I knew in my 30's or earlier.

You meet new people, but work and family take so much of your time making "hanging out" so rare that I'm really not picky.

[Comrade]

I'm in my thirties, and I haven't really seen this, just people not really getting out there for whatever reason.

But if you are still in college, what of getting people to come to you? Are you involved in any activities or events? Got a FLGS nearby? Have any hobbies that hold events? Perhaps consider getting involved and see what comes of it.

I do go to shows from time to time (mostly metal shows), though I've never kept in touch with anybody I've met at them and they're not exactly the optimal venue for socialising. Otherwise, outside of school, work, gym, and maybe non-profit stuff, there's not much I do of the 'get out of the house' variety, since my main hobbies (writing, reading, playing music) are things I can just stay at home and do. Tabletop gaming isn't my thing, so the FLGS (had to look that one up) is sort of out; I'd be open to joining some kind of casual football/soccer thing, or tennis, though I'm not sure how to go about that. Otherwise I kind of just counted on school being an easy way to meet people.

[dehro]

I do go to shows from time to time (mostly metal shows), though I've never kept in touch with anybody I've met at them and they're not exactly the optimal venue for socialising. Otherwise, outside of school, work, gym, and maybe non-profit stuff, there's not much I do of the 'get out of the house' variety, since my main hobbies (writing, reading, playing music) are things I can just stay at home and do. Tabletop gaming isn't my thing, so the FLGS (had to look that one up) is sort of out; I'd be open to joining some kind of casual football/soccer thing, or tennis, though I'm not sure how to go about that. Otherwise I kind of just counted on school being an easy way to meet people.

I don't quite know what kind of music you play, but I remember back when I lived in the UK that the local pub used to have a jammin' night, open for amateurs to get on the stage and play whatever... besides being a place where you're actually on a stage, it was also a chance for amateurs to meet fellow musicians (sometimes even pros) and maybe share playlists, tips on musical technique, adresses of interesting events and venues, the possibility to joining a band or just jam together...
Or simply to have a pint or two as you listen to fellow enthusiasts butchering your favourite songs. That particular pub was rock oriented.. a local place here in Italy does jazz nights. There's something for everybody, out there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrTzLMBY3-g
Find such a place.

[ve4grm]

I do go to shows from time to time (mostly metal shows), though I've never kept in touch with anybody I've met at them and they're not exactly the optimal venue for socialising. Otherwise, outside of school, work, gym, and maybe non-profit stuff, there's not much I do of the 'get out of the house' variety, since my main hobbies (writing, reading, playing music) are things I can just stay at home and do. Tabletop gaming isn't my thing, so the FLGS (had to look that one up) is sort of out; I'd be open to joining some kind of casual football/soccer thing, or tennis, though I'm not sure how to go about that. Otherwise I kind of just counted on school being an easy way to meet people.

Besides the music stuff mentioned by dehro, I'd also suggest building on your hobbies.

There are writing groups, where people will share things they wrote, and offer tips and encouragement. If you aren't shy about your work, this could be a great place to meet people with a similar interest.

There are book clubs, if you can find one that reads what you like.

I definitely encourage you to look into the casual soccer/football leagues. They definitely exist. In north America, they're frequently called a "rec league", which might help you google one near you?


Also, if you're still in college, many of these things might exist as officially sanctioned clubs, or intramural leagues. I encourage you to check out the local students union, or whatever you have that might be equivalent. Also check any bulletin boards around campus, which often have postings for groups.

[kyoryu]

I do go to shows from time to time (mostly metal shows), though I've never kept in touch with anybody I've met at them and they're not exactly the optimal venue for socialising.

Try local shows. Chat people up, have a good time. Local shows are great for socializing. Big shows? Not so much.

[The Fury]

I was told about a job opening at a company I'd like to work for, it's seasonal with the potential to be permanent. I made the mistake of telling my parents about it, they talked me out of applying. Their basic point is that it would still be poverty wages and therefore a waste of time. I need to "dream bigger" apparently.

The real bummer is that I'm now on a thought train that's so self-defeating that even if I got an interview, there's no way I'd make a good impression. Even if by some miracle I did land the job, I'd be miserable doing it because I've been told often and hard enough that I should be. Then I'd be unemployed again when the season is up.

I think this is just symptomatic of the strained relationship I've had with my family for years now. I remember once when I thought it was cool that I can quote some of Hamlet's "Be or not to be" speech and Pablo Neruda's Poem Twenty, (I'm not that good, I'll admit, but decent for someone that's never seriously studied Shakespeare and can't speak Spanish all that well.) I decided I'd demonstrate that skill to my parents, they told me, "See? You're actually smart. Why don't you apply that energy towards something useful?"

Now I'm actually ashamed that I can quote that stuff from memory. Being smart in a way that's useless sort of makes me wish that I was just dumb.

[Cozzer]

If it can get you even a half-step closer to leaving your parents and being able to live by yourself someplace where there's not a constant abyss of negativity draining your energy, then it is not useless. My advice, which is pretty obivious, is that you don't share anything important with them until there's no way to back out. No "I'm thinking about doing X", just "hey I just did X. What, you don't like it? Whoops, looks like it's my life and not yours, would you look at that". Is it too late to apply? Maybe next season, since you mentioned it's seasonal?

[factotum]

It's easy to *say*, I know, but don't let your parents decide what jobs you apply for. They're not the ones who have to work 40-odd hours a week or more doing it, and it's not worth getting a bit of extra money to do a job you hate. I mean, make sure you're at least getting enough money to live OK, because poverty ain't any fun either...

[zlefin]

I was told about a job opening at a company I'd like to work for, it's seasonal with the potential to be permanent. I made the mistake of telling my parents about it, they talked me out of applying. Their basic point is that it would still be poverty wages and therefore a waste of time. I need to "dream bigger" apparently.

The real bummer is that I'm now on a thought train that's so self-defeating that even if I got an interview, there's no way I'd make a good impression. Even if by some miracle I did land the job, I'd be miserable doing it because I've been told often and hard enough that I should be. Then I'd be unemployed again when the season is up.

I think this is just symptomatic of the strained relationship I've had with my family for years now. I remember once when I thought it was cool that I can quote some of Hamlet's "Be or not to be" speech and Pablo Neruda's Poem Twenty, (I'm not that good, I'll admit, but decent for someone that's never seriously studied Shakespeare and can't speak Spanish all that well.) I decided I'd demonstrate that skill to my parents, they told me, "See? You're actually smart. Why don't you apply that energy towards something useful?"

Now I'm actually ashamed that I can quote that stuff from memory. Being smart in a way that's useless sort of makes me wish that I was just dumb.

here's a thought that might help:
I imagine by now in oyur life you've tried watching at least 30 tv shows;
some may've turned out better than you initially thought they would, some worse.
It can be like that iwth jobs, some will turn out better or worse than you expect them to. and you can't find the ones that turn out to be much better than expected if you don't give them a chance.

on another note:
why wish you were dumb? I mean, I can understand feeling down about what they said; but why wish you were dumb, rather than wish you'd focused on more useful knowledge? also, being smart you tend to pick up lots of random knowledge anyways, it just comes with the territory.


addendum: having job history, ANY job history, is a big help for getting the better jobs. simply having a boss as a reference who can say you reliably showed up to work counts for a lot these days.

[Cozzer]

Also yeah, the idea that dumb people suffer less is one of the falsest stereotypes out there. If you were dumber, you'd still be as distraught as you are, and you would be less able to spot the reasons and take actions to improve your situaiton. :smallwink:

If you see someone who's dumber than you and seems happier than you, it's usually because he's either better at hiding his pain, or he has some skills that you don't have and that you could acquire along with keeping your intelligence. Or, maybe he's not as dumb as he seems to you, he just has different priorities.

My point is: it's not that dumber people are happier, it's just that smarter people aren't necessarily happier either. And that feels like an injustice to smart people because nobody teaches us the skills that are actually necessary to be happy. But being smart is useful to learn them, once you accept that you do have to learn them.

[Bartmanhomer]

Hey everybody. I'm feeling very depressed because a few days ago, One of my Facebook friend who I know at my old childhood school wanted to commit suicide. I try talking to him by one of his post but he was very angry with me and everyone else. I even try on Messenger. One of his ex-friend accuse my friend of harassing and and my friend girlfriend. Last time I heard that the police was at his house. I try talking to him again on Messenger but it was blocked and his Facebook page is gone. I'm really worried about my friend. :frown:

[Recherché]

Is there any even remotely politic way to say that you might need some time off because your bosses behavior is causing you to have suicidal thoughts? (I'm not actually going to do anything but this is killing me mentally)

[dehro]

Is there any even remotely politic way to say that you might need some time off because your bosses behavior is causing you to have suicidal thoughts? (I'm not actually going to do anything but this is killing me mentally)

Depends on who you want to say it to. If pick a medical expert and have him certify you're need for a few days off

[Chen]

I don't think it'd be that quick to a professional to be able to sign off on sick leave due to mental health issues. Probably need to go through some therapy sessions with them first before they'd agree to a medical need for time off.

Depending on your companies policy and the amount of time, it's probably just easier to "call in sick" for a day or two, if you can.

[Mith]

Hey everybody. I'm feeling very depressed because a few days ago, One of my Facebook friend who I know at my old childhood school wanted to commit suicide. I try talking to him by one of his post but he was very angry with me and everyone else. I even try on Messenger. One of his ex-friend accuse my friend of harassing and and my friend girlfriend. Last time I heard that the police was at his house. I try talking to him again on Messenger but it was blocked and his Facebook page is gone. I'm really worried about my friend. :frown:

I am sorry to here that. Here is hoping for the best.

[Bartmanhomer]

I am sorry to here that. Here is hoping for the best.

Thank you. I hope he's ok? :frown:

[The Fury]

here's a thought that might help:
I imagine by now in oyur life you've tried watching at least 30 tv shows;
some may've turned out better than you initially thought they would, some worse.
It can be like that iwth jobs, some will turn out better or worse than you expect them to. and you can't find the ones that turn out to be much better than expected if you don't give them a chance.

on another note:
why wish you were dumb? I mean, I can understand feeling down about what they said; but why wish you were dumb, rather than wish you'd focused on more useful knowledge? also, being smart you tend to pick up lots of random knowledge anyways, it just comes with the territory.

It's not so much that I think dumb people are happier, I mostly just wish that I didn't feel ashamed for knowing stuff related to things I like. I learned those quotations because I liked them, not because I thought it was valuable to learn them. I think the intent of what was said was that I should learn valuable stuff, not stuff that I like. I imagine if I were anything other than uselessly smart, I wouldn't have that kind of pressure put on me.


addendum: having job history, ANY job history, is a big help for getting the better jobs. simply having a boss as a reference who can say you reliably showed up to work counts for a lot these days.

Oh, I have that.


Is there any even remotely politic way to say that you might need some time off because your bosses behavior is causing you to have suicidal thoughts? (I'm not actually going to do anything but this is killing me mentally)

Your area/company bylaws might be different, but I imagine if you got a note from a mental health professional you'd be able to get sick leave.


Hey everybody. I'm feeling very depressed because a few days ago, One of my Facebook friend who I know at my old childhood school wanted to commit suicide. I try talking to him by one of his post but he was very angry with me and everyone else. I even try on Messenger. One of his ex-friend accuse my friend of harassing and and my friend girlfriend. Last time I heard that the police was at his house. I try talking to him again on Messenger but it was blocked and his Facebook page is gone. I'm really worried about my friend. :frown:

I'm sorry that I have nothing constructive to add to this at all. That just sounds scary and horrible. I hope you're able to talk with him soon.

[Velaryon]

I'm having to say goodbye to a long-time family pet today.

I guess now that I've moved out I should call Squeaky my parents' cat rather than mine, but for the majority of the last 14 years she's been one of mine as well.

My mom brought her inside in 2003 (her mother had given birth to a litter in our front bushes, and one by one she was able to trap and neuter most of them. Squeaky was friendly enough that my mom coaxed her inside to stay. It took awhile, but she got used to the life of an indoor cat and never showed any real interest in going outside again. She was always kind of prickly, but she became really friendly the last few years (until she had had enough attention, then she would let you know in no uncertain terms). The rest of her kitty family has long since passed on, since we weren't able to do the same for them.

She's always had some health problems, like the heart murmur she was diagnosed with when she was 3 or so years old. But for several months now she's been rapidly losing weight, and she seems to have little control over her bowels anymore either. My parents have been cleaning up messes all over the house, multiple times a day lately. I knew she was messing sometimes, but it has been much worse than I realized.

The vet ran a bunch of tests, and it came back that she's most likely got lymphoma. So for awhile now it hasn't been a question of if, but when she was going to die. Her final visit to the vet will be tomorrow morning, and I can't be there because I have to drive back home tonight for work (I have a program to run so I can't call off). I know it's for the best, but I'm sad that she has to go. And it feels like I'm letting her down by not being there.

To make it even worse, today is my mom's birthday.