How do I make friends as an adult?

[An Enemy Spy]

I have absolutely no social circle at all. My only close friend is working all the time and can never hang out with me for more than a couple hours before he has to dash off to his next computer job or to go to bed to wake up early. I work on Friday and Saturday nights so I can't go out when most people are off work. I don't live in a big city with places where I can go to meet people with similar interests. I feel utterly alone and completely trapped by my schedule, and I would just like someone I could see on a semi-regular basis to alleviate the boredom.

[2D8HP]

There was a previous thread on the subject, my contribution was:


Your co-workers actually talk about their kids?
Awesome, I'm jealous of you!
Except for one guy who complains about his wife and kids when he's not either boasting about or cursing his girlfriend/mistress and who's now thankfully on leave so I don't have to listen to him for awhile, all my co-workers, despite being parents, mostly talk about gruesome crimes that are in the news, major league sports, casinos, buffet tables, lewd jokes, and very occasionally politics (the last two topics are nominally forbidden by our employer but that seldom stops anyone).
I got a lot of people angry when I suggested on the Confessions thread that between work and family duties most "adults" (non-students) just don't have time for "friends", and that sounds like the case for you.
Glad you have this Forum!
I'm a bit surprised that you don't find a group of friends with your church, but since I've never been a church member I really have no insights about that.
Since a lack of time sounds like your biggest impediment I'm not sure any of these suggestions will help, but here's some of what I have spent time doing with people who were neither co-workers or family:

1) Union meetings.
Admittedly some guys at the meetings were former and future co-workers, but few have been current co-workers, and mostly it's been folks I never worked with. I knew one great guy who besides going to Union meetings would also go to a Freemason Lodge near my home, such was his love of being in a "Guild" (being in a sevice club is similar).

2) Volunteering.
I've definitely met people by volunteering for "Habitat for Humanity", and precinct walking.

3) Dungeons & Dragons!
Click here (http://dndadventurersleague.org/find-a-game/regional-pages/) for a
D&D ADVENTURERS LEAGUE regional list, lot's of e-mail address! You should be able to find someone to game with (I'm sure there's an equivalent for Pathfinder).

My experience has been that after leaving high school (I wasn't privileged with a University education), there just simply isn't the freetime to maintain the kind of friendships I had as a youth, but a half-dozen folks at the "Confessions" thread were kind enough to alert me to the fact that other people still find the time!

Good Luck!

For general happiness advice, from at a different thread:I posted this:

it is well to still pursue relationships (I.e. connections/conversations) with other people, but avoid for now seeking "relationships" (romance).
In fact avoid thinking about your personal happiness much at all.
Instead pretend to take an interest in the well-being of others (collegues, students, grocery store clerks,, street beggers etc).
Ask them how their doing, pretend you care, maybe take a week off and volunteer for something like habitat for humanity.Tell jokes and try to get someone to smile. Do good work. Get outside your head and "fake it till you make it".
Even if you never get very happy, you'll at least have made the world a better place, and you may get some small satisfaction from that. In my experience happiness usually comes when your too busy to look for it.


I'd add that my Dad made a friend in Hospice care this week, they bonded over memories of the Jazz music scene of the 1950's, so there's hope, once the curse of earning a living is done with.

[Vinyadan]

Take dance lessons, join a creative writing course, volunteer at some animal shelter...

[Aliquid]

Volunteer at a seniors center, by teaching a group of the residents to play D&D, and then host a weekly game.

Their schedule would work fine with yours.

I'm half serious.

[Crow]

Find things that happen regularly on your days off. Start attending those things.

Find coworkers with whom you share interests and can stand to be around outside of work. Grab a drink after a particularly rough day of work.

[Christopher K.]

Find a public social gathering that you'd enjoy and meet people there; that's effectively what you did in school as a kid. Once you've got a rapport with someone, invite them to some one on one hangout, then lock them in your basement congratulations! You've got a friend.

[LordEntrails]

As others have said, get involved in something. Check out MeetUp.com

[Jay R]

Don't find friends. Find activities.

Friends come from activities.

[Velaryon]

I'm in a similar situation, because I moved a couple hundred miles away from all my friends and haven't made many new ones since the move. In my case, part of the problem is that I'm a homebody and never go anywhere.

Here's a thought: based on your Wheel of Time threads, you are good at talking about books and have a lot of worthwhile stuff to say.
Do you have a public library in your area?
If so, does the library have one or more book discussion groups you could join?
If they don't, or if they do but none of them read books that interest you, try talking to a librarian about starting up a new one.

[StintedVisions]

Someone suggested not finding friends and finding activities. It's always a good way to meet people. depending on the size of the place you live there are also activity websites that not only have tabletop game groups and whatnot but other things as well.

[Future Sword]

As if friends are even worth having, most of the time...

[Recherché]

As if friends are even worth having, most of the time...

I find regular socialization keeps my mental health issues at bay. Also tis fun.

[Future Sword]

I find regular socialization keeps my mental health issues at bay. Also tis fun.

Until the inevitable day when they turn on you and sell your possessions for crack money. Up til that point, I guess friends are alright.

[WarKitty]

Until the inevitable day when they turn on you and sell your possessions for crack money. Up til that point, I guess friends are alright.

If that's a routine happening you need a different type of friend. That is very not normal.

[Future Sword]

If that's a routine happening you need a different type of friend. That is very not normal.

Not sure how many "different" types of people are left. I swear to God, everyone I meet in this town eventually turns out to be addicted to crack. Young, old, scruffy, clean-cut, ignorant, educated, broke, well-off, every single person I befriend winds up selling my things for crack.

Unless the early signs of a crack addiction happen to line up with personality traits I find appealing, I'm not sure why this keeps happening. I refuse to believe that I may be the cause of 20+ people developing drug problems in the 3 years since I moved here. Especially since it's always, invariably, specifically crack.

[WarKitty]

Not sure how many "different" types of people are left. I swear to God, everyone I meet in this town eventually turns out to be addicted to crack. Young, old, scruffy, clean-cut, ignorant, educated, broke, well-off, every single person I befriend winds up selling my things for crack.

Unless the early signs of a crack addiction happen to line up with personality traits I find appealing, I'm not sure why this keeps happening. I refuse to believe that I may be the cause of 20+ people developing drug problems in the 3 years since I moved here. Especially since it's always, invariably, specifically crack.

.....move?

[Vinyadan]

I am more curious about how they get your stuff to sell it. I mean, are they friends or roommates?

[Future Sword]

.....move?
Not on this salary, friendo.


I am more curious about how they get your stuff to sell it. I mean, are they friends or roommates?
You try stopping a determined crackhead from breaking into your house while you're at work. Tell me how it goes.

[The Glyphstone]

Not on this salary, friendo.


You try stopping a determined crackhead from breaking into your house while you're at work. Tell me how it goes.

How does that change for friends vs. strangers?

[Future Sword]

How does that change for friends vs. strangers?

Mostly it hurts more, because I trusted the friends.

[Lord Joeltion]

Mostly it hurts more, because I trusted the friends.
My only question is what are you doing with your life that you aren't selling crack to the whole neighbourhood...

If Life throws lemons at your face... smuggle the drugs inside them! :smalltongue:

[2D8HP]

crack....
Sounds very retro.

Thanks for the '80's flashback.

[Crow]

Well usually when dirtbags continually come into a person's life, it isn't chance. The common thread in all those relationships is you.

So you're doing something that is making it more likely to become friends with crackheads, yes. Sorry. I hope you figure out what it is and stop.

[Mordokai]

I'm going to offer some half drunk, somewhat tired wisdom. Take it with a shovel of salt.

Speaking as a sort of introvert that has been battling with loneliness and depression in way or another(even if it took me some five to ten years to recognize and admit it to myself) ever since leaving his pre-graduate studies... I think I can understand you.

And really... not much can be said about it. You have to learn to exist with yourself. And it's a bloody hard skill to obtain. You miss and loathe company at the same time... you want to share your misery with somebody, if only to make them feel miserable as well. Because it will surely make you feel better... right?

It doesn't. And somewhere down the road, you recognize it. You try to turn your life around and do good on world and people around you. And you usually get punished for it. So you turn bitter and spiteful. Maybe you search for professional help. Maybe you turn to your hobbies and alcohol.

You exist like this for few years, ups and downs coming and going. And really, it's a fairly miserable life. Then one day you figure it out, nobody's gonna change it for me. I'm gonna have to change it myself.

After that, less than delightful exposition... I am currently at much the same point as you are. Mid aged, single male, with few real prospects(and fewer friends still) in life. And despite it all... I am currently mostly at peace with it all.

The thing that helped me most(I think), was meditation. Sitting alone with your thoughts for a predetermined amount of time, each day, for last five months, was a hard experience, but it helped me come to terms with a lot of things. Mostly, with myself. None of my problems have changed or moved away, but I can now look at them with new eyes.

It has also helped me with one thing I struggled with for most of the last ten years... been alone. So yeah, I'm a big advocate of meditating.

That doesn't mean I don't still enjoy, or even search company. But my alone time has been much easier on myself. And just for that, I think taking ten minutes of your schedule each day is totally worth it.

[2D8HP]

Seems to me that another dissenter to this whole "making friends" stuff may be warranted, so despite my STUNNING HUMILITY!!! I will quote the bestest of all source I know on the subject:


Okay, the way that I'm "friends with annoying people" is simple, I'm "friendly", but never "friends".

I haven't bothered to call anyone a friend since the 20th Century.

Instead they are:


People I work with.

My bookseller (who is getting out of the business, much to my sadness, 20% off until Jack calls it quits at Dark Carnival in Berkeley).

Other merchants and service providers.

People my wife knows.

People my son knows.

People I play games with.

Family.

Brothers and sisters in my Union.

Brothers and sisters in my Labor Federation.

Fellow Citizens.

Traffic.


Friends are people who help you move, and you help move.

I no longer own a pick-up*truck, and the only recent co-worker who I know has one was been exiled to the 9-1-1 Emergency Call Center (besides he scares me with his bigoted comments, and his giant gun and ammunition collection).

I hire movers now, so I no-longer try to be "friends with annoying people", but when I was young, poor, and strong, I did maintain many friendships in which we helped each other move, so that's the "why"..
If you still have a strong back and a light wallet, than having friends may still be good, but eventually you just can't risk injury anymore, and do you really want the obligations?


...A more articulate man than me put it thus:


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=B5javs0euqc.
You will still crave communicating with other people, and fortunately there's this Forum so you don't have to suffer commuting to scratch that itch, but you may be unable to shed the craving of talking to people in person, well besides activities, volunteering, attending church (I've heard, no direct experience myself), there's being a regular at a bar or cafe, which can be tricky as if the place is too crowded there's the whole "lost in a crowd" thing, and if too empty than there isn't much point except to tip well the barista/bartender).

In my area decades ago (and probably still) they were regular motorcycle "rides", which usually consisted of more talking than riding, unfortunately motorcyclists have the habit of dying young (I knew nine in my social circle who died over an eight year period).

Really, the easiest way to make friends is to collect a pension and move into an elder/senior "housing community", and you may make friends who don't expect to exchange heaving lifting.

-Both respectfully and tongue-in-cheek

[Future Sword]

Well usually when dirtbags continually come into a person's life, it isn't chance. The common thread in all those relationships is you.

So you're doing something that is making it more likely to become friends with crackheads, yes. Sorry. I hope you figure out what it is and stop.

"It's YOUR fault crackheads keep breaking into your house, stealing your things, and selling them for crack money."

What the **** ever.

[Crow]

"It's YOUR fault crackheads keep breaking into your house, stealing your things, and selling them for crack money."

What the **** ever.

Well you seemed to imply that they were your friends, and not random crackheads.

Pick one.

[WarKitty]

"It's YOUR fault crackheads keep breaking into your house, stealing your things, and selling them for crack money."

What the **** ever.

It honestly sounds more like you live in a bad area where a lot of people are on crack. That would explain meeting a lot of crackheads.

Sometimes you get stuck living in crappy situations. But it's not normal.

[Future Sword]

Well you seemed to imply that they were your friends, and not random crackheads.

Pick one.

Some of them were, yes. Until they stole my **** and broke into my house. I don't need to "pick one", because I never changed the details. Whether they were my friends or not was never ambiguous. I said so outright.

Look. If I befriend a guy, and that guy later reveals a crack addiction by burgling me to fuel it, I am in no way responsible for that burglary or crack addiction. Implying otherwise is just scummy.

[Crow]

Okay, so you're making friends with crackheads...

I've known lots of people with drug problems. Usually the ones willing to rob their own friends are pretty easy to spot.

I'm sorry you keep befriending stealth crackheads.

[Future Sword]

Okay, so you're making friends with crackheads...

I've known lots of people with drug problems. Usually the ones willing to rob their own friends are pretty easy to spot.

I'm sorry you keep befriending stealth crackheads.

Yeah, judge a little harder, why don't ya...

[Crow]

Well judging by our interaction I feel like I'd need to be on crack to want to be your friend; so maybe there's something to your predicament.

Sorry everybody for derailing this. My apologies to the OP.

[Future Sword]

I feel like I'd need to be on crack to want to be your friend

That wasn't even remotely called for, dude.

[Crow]

Sorry man. Good luck in your future struggles.

[Misereor]

I've heard several version of this, but this is mine.

Visit #1
Girlfriend's friend comes by for a visit with her significant other.
Try to make smalltak with said SO without looking too bored.
When they leave, complain to GF that SO was dull as hell.

Visit #2
Couple come by again. GF's talk about stuff, while I try to make smalltalk with SO.
SO spots Shadowrun figurine, asks what it is.
Find out he plays D&D.
Half hour later we are friends.
Girlfriends complain we talk too much with each other and not enough with them.

19 years later.
GF's have long since been replaced, but we still play tabletop RPG's in the same group.

[2D8HP]

....I work on Friday and Saturday nights so I can't go out when most people are off work. I don't live in a big city with places where I can go to meet people with similar interests. I feel utterly alone and completely trapped by my schedule, and I would just like someone I could see on a semi-regular basis to alleviate the boredom..
What is preventing you from moving or changing schedules?

Since you work when others typically don't, and have enough free time to feel bored can you find time to get s job with a different schedule?

The only big city that I'm familiar with is "The City" (San Francisco), which is extremely expensive (there's tents on the sidewalks), but has plenty of jobs available (over a quarter million people commute from outside SF to jobs in The City every day), but most of the rest of the area is metropolitan as well (like my hometown of Oakland), and getting a place with lots of roommates within commuting distance of a job is within reach of most in my area.

What is tying you to your job and your home?

[Aliquid]

That wasn't even remotely called for, dude.I've found that people who live a sheltered life away from such struggles are unable to grasp that this is real. Even though they technically know that there is a different world out there... anything that strays too far from the world around them is viewed like fiction. Something to joke about and not really take seriously. I haven't experienced your struggle, but I've been close.

Years ago, I had a roommate who started to get sketchy... and I ended up moving out and just "walking away" from the situation, even through he owed me a few hundred dollars. Good thing too, since one of his friends broke in a few months later and cleared the place out to support his drug habit.

There was an e-mail that went around at my office at one point saying "___ no longer works here, if you see him call security immediately". Turns out he was stealing office equipment to support his coke habit.

I know how to use a naloxone overdose kit, i.e. jamming a needle into someone to who is overdosing on opioids (heroin, fentanyl, etc)... this is mostly because of the type of people I might encounter at my job.

It ain't no joke, and it can be really surprising when you find out that someone is an addict... doesn't have to be some guy living in the gutter. They don't all fit the stereotype.

[danzibr]

All of my adult friends that I’ve met recently have been through church. I’m a youngish parent (I’m 30, my kids are 6 and 4), and our priest started a young parents’ club. It was really easy to make friends in that situation because we had 3 huge things in common with everyone else (our age, that we’re parents, and that we’re Catholic).

[Fri]

as usual

https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/how_to_make_friends.png