Celestia's Finest: A Study of Love

[D.KnightSpider]

The door opened to a dark gray unicorn with a brown mane who was in the final stages of adjusting a pair of thin, wire-rim glasses. The stallion looked up and smiled in greeting.

"Hello, Lt. Partial Charge." His voice was a soft baritone-- the sort often found in audiobooks. "Dr. Freud was called away on urgent business and so I'm filling in for him today. My name is Doctor Crutch. Feel free to laugh, I take no offense. It is a rather humorous name."

The rest of the room was equally disarming. With a few potted plants and aquatic-themed paintings on the wall, it felt very much like some ponies' living room had been dropped in the middle of a medical office. Doctor Crutch circled around the reclining couch approached the front door to greet Love.

"Before we begin: can I get you anything, Lt. Charge? Water? Coffee?"

[Elbeyon]

Love walks in with her standard town outfit on. No clothes, she has her saddlebags with her trusty phone presumably inside.

"Hello, Dr. Crutch." She tilts her head. "It's a perfectly fine name."

She eyes the room, surprised by its warmth. She expected something more like a plain office with a couch. His couch doesn't look too bad at all. Hopefully, it's as comfortable as the room.

"I'll take a water, thanks."

"My friends and nearly all ponies call me Love. I'd prefer you call me that."

[D.KnightSpider]

"Of course, Love." Crutch said with accommodation. "Please, have a seat and make yourself at home."

He moved with brisk ease back to the desk. From somewhere underneath, he produced a bottle of chilled water and a Styrofoam cup. The two were combined.

Crutch circled the desk and extended the glass to Love.

"That's a very interesting nickname. How did you come by it?"

[Elbeyon]

"Thanks."

Love takes hold of the cup and lays on his reclining couch, reclining it.

"I feel at home already." She nervously chuckles.

"The nickname is from my guard days. I wasn't always know as Love. In my homeland, my nickname was my initials, PC, but I haven't used that name in a long time. When I moved here, I was excited about nearly everything. My co-workers started calling me Love because I loved everything. I've been called worse things, and the name grew on me. I adopted it as my own from there."

[D.KnightSpider]

"I see. Would it be fair to say that you're still very passionate about things, or has time dulled the excitement?"

Crutch levitated a pen and scrawled a note.

The ceiling was decorated. It showed the view of a jungle canopy as if the viewer were looking straight up. Exotic birds and creatures were depicted across the ceiling.

[Elbeyon]

There is a very long pause as Love thinks through how to answer him. She's not even sure how to answer him, but that's fine. "That'd be fair. I am a very passionate pony, only not as passionate as the ponies around me believe. My excitement has dulled, but that's because everything isn't as new anymore. Everything builds on the foundation I've established so each new bit is already partially understood and old."

[D.KnightSpider]

Crutch nodded.

"I think that's understandable. Familiarity and routine can dull most emotions over time. What makes you think other ponies believe you to be more passionate than you are?"

[Elbeyon]

She takes a deep breath and slowly lets it go out of her mouth.

"I don't really know. They'd believe that because that's the air I put on for show? I often act more excited than I really am? I've been cutting back on that lately. I've been a bit more regular."

[D.KnightSpider]

"Please bear with me a moment. I'd like to make certain I'm understanding correctly."

Crutch looked up from his notes and gave Love his stole concentration.

If I'm hearing you properly, you often put on a display of unfelt passion. This causes other ponies to think of you as more excited than you really are. Am I correct thus far?

"What impact do you think this has on your relationships?"

[Elbeyon]

Love shifts in spot to regain some comfort. The couch feels a lot more open than a moment before now.

"I don't know. I wouldn't call it unfelt passion. I always feel it. I just exaggerate my reaction, you know?" She had no defense against her misrepresentation. She didn't want to say he was right, even though she said everything herself.

"You're a lot more direct than my other therapists. They normally only ask my name or history during the first session."

"I don't know. I think my upper mood has a positive impact on my relationships. I can be very minimalist."

[D.KnightSpider]

"I have a certain agency other doctors do not." Doctor Crutch said with a kind smile. "I find that most patients are willing to open doors of conversation if I only let them talk and then let those conversations lead us to the origin.

"For instance, now that we've established that you exaggerate your emotions because you think doing so is beneficial, let me ask you this: why? Why do you exaggerate your emotions? Do you think it relates to your upbringing?"

[Elbeyon]

Love chuckles at the potentially accidentally joke. A military agency? "I'm a rather open pony. I can see that method working on me."

"I've done it less often or to not such an extreme. And, I think my acting has soaked into my personality." She shrugs her top shoulder. "It's fun. I had it in my head that I'd create this wonderful persona that everyone would be able to have fun around. I got bits of that, and ponies ignoring me when it comes to serious topics. Apparently, anything a joker says turns into a joke, no matter the context."

"My personality change is more recent than my childhood. It's something I've acquired after leaving the Wastes. See, I grew up trying to survive. A bad joke could put you on the ground and left for the buzzards. There wasn't a lot of fun to be had anyway. There, ponies do or, more relevant, don't do what it takes to survive. A flamboyant personality might make you some cheap friends, but you only need one enemy to dust you. I grew up in a place that chewed up anything that wasn't hard. I can't say I had a very pronounced personality. You keep your head down and keep on living."

[D.KnightSpider]

Crutch said: "Would it be fair to say that you feel the liberty to be yourself now that you've left the wastes?"

[Elbeyon]

"I can do things in Canterlot that I couldn't even have dreamed up back home. I'm not sure if its being myself or being how I want to act. I've been this way" she puts a hoof to her chest "for years now. I was me in the wastes and I did what I needed to do to survive."

[D.KnightSpider]

"That's a very interesting way to put it." Crutch observed. "You said that you weren't sure if you were being yourself or how you wanted to act. Does that relate to exaggerating you feelings for the benefit of others?"

[Elbeyon]

"I don't know. I suppose? It's hard to explain. My exaggeration isn't so much a conscious choice on everything I do, but it's more a toggle that can be switched one or off. It's like playing a role for so long. An actor can easily slip in or out of character, or even sometimes do it by accident."

[D.KnightSpider]

"Let's shift topics slightly. Are your parents the same way or is this outlook your own?" Crutch asked.

[Elbeyon]

"I don't see my parents much nowadays. They're regular folks. My mother is a very energetic pony. Not physically, or anything like that. She really should work out some more as she has been putting on a bit of weight lately. She can speak a mile a minute, and it never stops. My father is nearly the opposite. He is a quiet stallion that often means business. He thinks through everything he says and says it with purpose. A pony of few words. I guess, his new corporate life only encourages that type of behavior. He is very reserved and all business. Practically, the only way to get him to prattle is put some alcohol in him."

[D.KnightSpider]

The next question was obvious: "And which do you believe you take after more: your mother or your father?"

[Elbeyon]

Love goes to think, but she already knows the answer. "My father, I guess. He gets things done. He works hard. He is upper management material, even if he's stuck in the middle for now. If he drank more with the right griffons, he'd be going farther faster. He does a better job than anyone else at his level, but he doesn't show that off enough. He's too humble."

[D.KnightSpider]

Doctor Crutch tilted his head slightly.

"And how do you feel about that?"

[Elbeyon]

"I." Love brings her forelegs closer to her body. "What? My father is a great pony. I've got nothing against him. I'm not sure what he has to do with this session. I feel nothing but goodwill towards him."

[D.KnightSpider]

"I'll be entirely honest with you, Love. I don't entirely know either." Crutch moved to soothe his patient. "I've seen your file and that gives me facts and history. But facts and history don't tell the whole story. They don't tell us about the connection and correlation between event and emotion.

"What we're doing is exploring those connections. We're learning about what makes you, well, you. That gives us a foundation to build off of when we begin examining that which troubles you.

"It's perfectly alright to examine other connections, if you'd rather. Ponies are infinitely complex creatures."

[Elbeyon]

Love settles down after he mentions he is building a foundation. She loses herself in though before saying, "Nothing is really troubling me. I'm only here because I'm required to be here. Upper management finally corralled me into a therapist's office."

"You have my file. What do you need from me so that I can avoid getting a red stamp? What do you need to hear from me before you've done your job?"

"I'll make this as painless as possible. I know my father could accomplish greater things if he whispered his accomplishments in the right ear. And, even though I know that, I wouldn't want a single thing to change about him. I love my father with all features. If he wanted to change, he'd change under his own power. Ponies aren't meant to be picked apart piecemeal with some bits to be accepted or denied. I accept him as a whole."

[D.KnightSpider]

"You're hardly alone in not wanting to talk to me." Crutch said wryly. "Most soldiers of your caliber are hesitant to talk to a shrink.

"I'm not looking to ruin your career or find a reason to kick you out of the service, Lt. Love. Quite the opposite, in fact. I want to help you stay in the service by helping you handle the emotional stress of the job.

"To that end, what I 'need to hear' is your honest response to my questions. Together, we'll learn about you and that will help us both handle the stress and trials of your job. Am I making sense to you?"

[Elbeyon]

"I get that. I'm not trying to make things difficult. I've got plenty of stress, but my family doesn't even make the top one hundred. I barely see them, and I barely have a working relationship with them. We've grown apart, but we still love each other very much."

Love closes an eye while she thinks. "There are my co-workers. Scope, Rose, Brazen, Star."

"I've got a lot of friends. Twelve peoples worth you could say. A lot of my relationships are classified. Caps is on my mind. I think I do a pretty good job of maintaining healthy relationships. No pony is really stressing... I suppose. Rose and Scope have me worried."

[D.KnightSpider]

Crutch's head dipped in a slow, single nod.

"Of course. Relationships are always complicated for ponies, and I understand that, all things considered, yours must be especially complex. Let's start with the most core relationship, then. How are things between you and Star Chaser? I understand that you're a bit closer than simple friends."

[Elbeyon]

"Why would my relationships be 'especially complex'? I think I'm a pretty simple pony."

"We're best friends?" she asks, not wanting to give any rope.

[D.KnightSpider]

Crutch 's face became disappointed and knowing.

"As I understand it, you're a bit more than 'best friends', as well." He prodded. "Perhaps that's why you're worried about Caps?"

[Elbeyon]

Love thinks to the confidential papers she signed. It's not like she's ever really tried to hide her relationship, and if necessary, she'll get an official exception from her superiors.

She shrugs. "Fine, Star and I are in a loving romantic relationship."

"I may have met Caps through Star, but we've since developed our own relationship. My feelings for him are not simply a retailing of another's."

"Star and I are doing excellent. We got off to a rocky start, but after that whole affair I struggle to imagine myself happier. I've grown very attached in the short while she has known me. I worry things may be going too quickly. We stumble like any couple, but I've yet to see any impassable obstacles in our relationship."

[D.KnightSpider]

"In what way do you think things are moving too quickly between you two?" Crutch asked.

[Elbeyon]

"The relationship is so pleasant. I may simply be apprehensive. I've struggled with that in the past. I think, now, I never truly moved past those feelings. The feelings may have simply regrown. I don't normally consider myself a very anxious pony, but I don't want things to go wrong. I love Star. I've told her that."

She winces. "It's been a month. I want her to move in with me after this next mission. I'd be alright with now."

"The relationship started so suddenly in a whimsical confession. We hit the ground running. It felt like I had to draw up some pure positive emotions out of myself to counter all the confusing mess that was going on around us. A lighthouse in the storm. We're learning about each other every day. The order seems a little off though. You say things are built on a foundation. I worry the foundation may be weaker than I imagine, and that a whirlwind of happy emotions may subside into nothingness. I worry that our desire to keep each other happy may be getting in the way of us developing a truer, deeper relationship."

[D.KnightSpider]

"Or, perhaps," Crutch offered a different viewpoint. "You're building your foundation here and now. Could it simply be that this desire for mutual happiness is actually genuine dedication to one another?"

[Elbeyon]

"Everything between us is genuine! I want her to be happy, and she wants me to be happy. I'm extremely satisfied about everything with her. I..." She puts a hoof to her chin. "I'm needlessly worrying about the future. Everything we do together is another layer to us, and we're building up a lot of good memories together." She pouts. "And, now, I want to cradle her in my grasp. You have any answers for that one doc?" She chuckles.

[D.KnightSpider]

"Different ponies express their love in different ways. Some ponies give gifts to show their love, some ponies demonstrated their affection with words and others do so through touch. It's entirely possible that physical displays of affection are your primary means of communicating your feelings."

Crutch wasn't deliberately trying to be clinical. It was difficult not to be when discussing such delicate topics.

[Elbeyon]

"It's possible... Physical intimacy isn't possible with every pony, sadly. I've had difficulties with a difficult pony because of my bias toward touching. That's a difficult case. Any type of intimacy with them seems difficult."

[D.KnightSpider]

"Then perhaps it's not so much that they're difficult so much as they communicate in a different way than you do. There's a 'language barrier', if you will.

"Analytical thinks are often very withdrawn and value personal space. They may find the nuances of physical contact disconcerting. Learning to communicate in those other languages may help you relate to them."

Crutch paused for a moment.

"We've been at this some time. Are you still feeling alright with the session or would you like a break?"

[Elbeyon]

Love puts a hoof to her chin. "I'll take that to heart. He is certainly a difficult pony, however."

"Would this break last until after my next mission?" She smirks. "If not, I've got the mental fortitude to keep going for hours. Would you like a break? I've got my phone. I can busy myself if you need a break to collect yourself."

[D.KnightSpider]

"No, it would not last until after the next mission and I'm quite alright." Crutch chuckled. Compared to profiling criminals, this exchange was nothing. "Every so often, it's good to extend the offer of rest. Since you're doing so well, we'll continue.

"Who is this pony and what makes him difficult for you?"

[Elbeyon]

"Scope," she answers.

She frowns. "He's a touch nut to crack. He doesn't like me, and all my attempts to remedy the situation have failed most spectacularly."

[D.KnightSpider]

"And why do you say that?" Crutch asked.

[Elbeyon]

Love takes a deep breath.

"He is always mad at me."
"He doesn't listen to me."
"He ignores me."
"He never touches me."
"He never depends on me."
"He refuses to open up to me."
"Any time I try to teach him something he blows me off."
"He avoids me outside of work."
"He won't learn how to use Power Armor even though I keep offering him lessons! The Wonderbolts use power armor just fine! They don't have any issues flying with it. They're the best fliers in the world!"

She takes another breath about to go on more.

[D.KnightSpider]

Crutch interjected before the list became too numerous to track.

"Have you asked him about these issues?"

[Elbeyon]

"I try, but it's a hard task. I talk to him, and I hit a one week cooldown or something. He acts like I stuck a surprise hoof up his flank, and he gets quiet fast."

"He has started to open up to me a little, or at least he is curious enough about me to ask some questions. He has told me about his history a bit."

"I've talked to him about listening to me more, and he said he'd work on it. He said I don't think through my actions enough so he has struggled to listen to me because of that. We'll find out next mission, I suppose."

"I get why he gets mad at me. He doesn't like me, and I'm all up in his business. Anytime, I mention him bottling everything up, he ends the conversation."

"He never touches anypony with affection. His girlfriend doesn't even know his touch. He seems fine in some situations. We boxed together once with no issue... I don't know what causes his reaction. Affection?"

"I try to see him outside of work. I invited him to work the soup kitchen with a friend and myself, and he turned me down because he's got a filly he sees on the weekends. I get that, and I don't hold that against him. I'm only saying that stuff turns up or he's not interested in the topic. I guess, that's why he hasn't been able to train in power armor?"

She sighs. "Things are not going well. It looks like things are progressing, but I can't do anything different. All my attempts are met with the same result since I've met him. Things might even be worse now... Well, It's mixed. He is more open to me than a random guard, maybe. He is also a lot more hostile toward me than a random guard!"

[D.KnightSpider]

His pen tapped the desk several times. Crutch contemplated the situation before responding.

"I hope you can forgive the question I have to ask in light of our earlier conversations. Is this information exaggerated?"

[Elbeyon]

Love sighs a long sigh. "I'm not exaggerating. I'm here so I might as well get a 3rd parity's outside view. I don't see how lying would help myself. He may see things differently, but I can only give you my point of view. What's too outlandish? We can focus in on something, and I'll give you a more detailed run down."

[D.KnightSpider]

As described, Sniper Scope sounded less like a soldier and more like an escaped mental patient. It was a fascinating bundle of contradictions.

"No matter. We'll do what we can to sort this out. Let's go back to the foundation. When did you first take an interest in Sniper Scope and what did you do?"

[Elbeyon]

The room grows quiet with no response from Love. Two hooves reach up to press against her head and she swings her brain side to side. She grunts as she tries to remember. "I don't remember. It's been a while. We trained together so I've been interested in him for nearly a year. It was on our first mission, three months ago, that I noticed that he withdrew from all my supporting touches. It was a tense mission, and there were times that ponies would hug or cry. He didn't really do any of that. I noticed that he wouldn't let me touch him, and I pushed that idea until it became clear that he wasn't comfortable with most any ponies touching him. It only seemed alright when the touch was purely to achieve a mission advantage."

"I guess our relationship didn't really become non-work related until I 'visited' his house a month ago."

[D.KnightSpider]

"Before we pursue that story, let's focus on the first issue." Crutch said. "What did you do when you became aware that Scope was uncomfortable with physical touch?"

[Elbeyon]

"It takes three to make a pattern. I prodded the idea a bit more until I was certain that he didn't like being touched. Then, I, uh... completely disregarded his boundaries in order to try to force him to accept my affections. I!" She defends herself. "I've learned my lesson since all of that! I've kept my affections toward him to new minimums! That's all old history. It was the start of our relationship, not where we are today."

[D.KnightSpider]

"I am not here to assign blame, Love." Dr. Crutch's voice was soothing. "I'm here to help analyze what happened. The present state of your relationship is still built upon its difficult origins and the impressions formed then may still be coloring judgments today.

"Why was it so important that he accept your physical affections? What were you hoping to accomplish?"

[Elbeyon]

"It wasn't like that. I want to be friends with my co-worker. We'll be living and dying together. If I'm bleeding out in some hole, I want a friend there with me in my final moments. If a pony is shaken, you give them a pat on the back. If they're upset? You give them a hug. I want some type of emotional bond with him. We're a squad, a family. We're suppose to be there for each other. If he's angry, I want to help guide him. If he's hurt, I want to help heal him. I want to be friends with him."

[D.KnightSpider]

"Again, I am not here to assign blame, merely analyze what happened. It appears you were seeking reassurance from an emotional connection, friendship, with him, and felt that his unique quirk prevented you from obtaining it. Did you ever bring this to his attention while you were 'violating his boundaries'?"

Crutch needed a complete picture to hazard a guess at the situation. He felt close to that point.

[Elbeyon]

"I'm the one kicking myself, doc. What was I doing?" She drags a hoof down her face. "That was so messed up."

She sighs.

"On that mission, no, I didn't get to talk to him about boundaries. We we're dealing with things, and everything happened so fast. I meant to talk to him, but I never got a good chance. The whole mission happened in a flash. The night is a little fuzzy at this point. I think I did back off a little as the mission progressed, or maybe, that's wishful thinking at this point?"

[D.KnightSpider]

Crutch took his time answering.

"I wouldn't be able to tell you one way or the other. All I can do is suggest possible scenarios and interpretations. This experience appears to be the origin of your struggles with him. So the perceptions that Sniper Scope gained of you during this time might very well be carrying over to the rest of your interactions.

"Again, all I can do is hazard a guess at the situation. But, could it be that given your different means of communication, Scope misread your attempts to gain his friendship as something else? From his perspective, you deliberately engaged in behavior that he found extremely uncomfortable. Could he have thought you were trying to torment him?"

[Elbeyon]

"I'm normally really good at first impressions! The bad ones tend to stick around so I put extra effort into avoiding them."

"It sounds like a good guess. Have I been tormenting him this entire time?" She puts a hoof to her brow to feel it out. "I mean with his negative reactions... I haven't exactly been making him feel better." She flops into a lying position on the couch and buries her face into her forelegs. "Have I really been doing that..."

[D.KnightSpider]

"I don't know. That is a question that you'll have to ask him. All I can do is show you one possible miscommunication that is hurting your interactions.

"Now, then. What happened next in your relationship. You said something about a visit?"

[Elbeyon]

She raises up her head to rest on her legs. "The mission happened so fast. It wasn't until we went to a party that I got a chance to really talk to him again. Well, it was after the party. I knew some information that challenged my beliefs about him. After getting drunk, I went to his house to talk to him about things. We had a little heart to heart there."

[D.KnightSpider]

Doctor Crutch paused his note taking.

"Could you provide a little more detail? How were your beliefs challenged and what did your discussion alter about your relationship?"

[Elbeyon]

"I was drunk." Gathering her thoughts takes a good two minutes. She buries her head again. "Ah, Super Scope, why do you put up with me!?" She moves her forelegs so she can talk clearly to him. "I'm sorry Crutch. I have been unfair to my friend. I did say that's how the relationship started. Things have come a long way. Scope, he's a good pony. He does care about me. I've been pretty crud to him. I see that now." Love takes a deep breath.

"I thought he was hiding away a hugging friend, and our relationship became a lot more frank afterward. Doctor, we'd be here all day if we're going to talk all the way through our history. I think I need to have another talk with him. Say, 'I'm sorry.' He doesn't like those talks though. Should I text him?"

[D.KnightSpider]

"I would recommend that you have this discussion one on one, to be frank; it would show your sincerity."

"It appears that you have what you need to mend this friendship. Would you like to stop for the day and work toward resolving it or pursue another topic for discussion? There is still some time left on your appointment."

The query was left open ended. The choice was Love's to make.

[Elbeyon]

"Right, I prefer things in person too, but..." She shrugs, giving up on the idea.

"It's a start."

"If I've got time left, I don't want to waste it. Let's pursue a theoretical question. What do you know about memory editing?"

[D.KnightSpider]

Crutch's expression turned quizzical.

"I've heard of the term and the concept: the ability to alter or delete memories and therefore affect personality. Why do you ask?"

[Elbeyon]

"I'm curious. I don't talk to psychiatrists too often. You help ponies deal with their baggage. Would you ever use such a tool? It'd make your job easier, wouldn't it?"

[D.KnightSpider]

Crutch settled back in his chair.

"I'm hesitant to give you an absolute 'yes' or 'no' answer. There are always exceptions and oftentimes we find ourselves in situations that we couldn't have foreseen. I would, however, be very, very hesitant to utilize such a technique-- if ever.

"I don't say that because widespread use would eliminate the psychiatric profession. I say that because I do not believe that memory modification would be beneficial in the long term to a pony's psyche. What is memory? It is a record of a pony's time upon this earth. It is what enables a pony to empathize with one another. Remove the memory and you remove both time from the pony's life and the ability to connect with another."

[Elbeyon]

"I'd agree with you cutting things out is dangerous. It's a much sharper tool, but wouldn't that be the last tool used? The edit part seems the most promising. A pony could simply dull a memory until the emotional response barely exists. The opposite being true too. A pony wouldn't lose time. Course, cut and paste would exist too. Deleting something could only be removing the pathway to that memory, and the memory could in potential be restored."

Love drinks the last of her water.

[D.KnightSpider]

Crutch considered her arguments.

"Let me draw an imperfect parallel, then.

"Suppose you sever the nerves to your right fore-hoof. It would still be there, and you would be unable to feel it. It would unresponsive. Dead weight. You might be able to function without it, but you would forever be incomplete and unable to connect with any pony via that hoof.

"Suppose that you graft a new nerve into your leg. Feeling would be restored. It's use would come back in time. You could make connections again. Yet, all of those functions would be impeded due to the scar tissue. There would always be those little reminders that something had been taken from you.

"Do you see where I'm going with this illustration?"

[Elbeyon]

"Yes, Doc."

"Your view was very insightful. I'm glad I asked a professional their view on the subject matter."

Love stands up off the couch and tosses her cup away. "I'd like to schedule more regular appointments with you if that's possible. I can come in anytime, even during a mission." She closes her eyes and peeks the truth. "Well, maybe not this next mission."

[D.KnightSpider]

Dr. Crutch smiled.

"I'm glad you found our talk beneficial. As long as you want to talk, I'll be available. If you'll call us when your mission is done, we'll gladly get something on the books."

[Elbeyon]

Love chuckles. "You do good work. What else can I say?"

"I'll make sure to call in when I get the chance."

[D.KnightSpider]

Dr. Crutch chuckled.

"That is good to hear, Love."

He rose to show her out the door.

"I look forward to talking to you again, soon."

[Elbeyon]

Love walks him to the door.

"Let's have some more fun next time." She winks and exits.

[D.KnightSpider]

Without further comment, Dr. Crutch returned to his desk. A flick of his pen finalized his notes. They were quickly placed within a manila folder and sent off for transcription and filing.

That a wrap?

[Elbeyon]

I think so! :smallbiggrin: