Lyrics for Bard Songs (Funny)

[the_brazenburn]

So, in Xanathar's Guide to Everything, the bard options include a signature song. The one that caught my eye first is the comedic tune "Asmodeus's Golden Arse", which is meant to be inspired by a (most likely fictional) visit to Avernus. I cannot resist the temptation, and so I plan to roll up a bard, with this song as his signature piece. So that brings me to my hilarious question:

What are some idealized lyrics for this song?

[Unoriginal]

So, in Xanathar's Guide to Everything, the bard options include a signature song. The one that caught my eye first is the comedic tune "Asmodeus's Golden Arse", which is meant to be inspired by a (most likely fictional) visit to Avernus. I cannot resist the temptation, and so I plan to roll up a bard, with this song as his signature piece. So that brings me to my hilarious question:

What are some idealized lyrics for this song?

Given me three hours and I'll write it.

But the question is: is it your bard who is supposed to have done the visit himself? If yes, what can you tell us about them?

[the_brazenburn]

Given me three hours and I'll write it.

But the question is: is it your bard who is supposed to have done the visit himself? If yes, what can you tell us about them?

The bard: Hmmm...

The bard supposedly visited Avernus himself, bravely seduced Zariel, then ran away from Asmodeus' hordes of devils, catching sight of the titular body part on the way out of Baator. In reality, of course, he has done none of these things, and Asmodeus has sent barbed devil assassins after him as punishment for the slanderous song. The bard himself is a braggart who enjoys exaggeration (in case you couldn't tell from his exploits). He spends a lot of time writing and performing songs about the party's exploits that portray himself in the best possible light while making the rest of the party look like fools. He has many social graces, but uses them only rarely, preparing to slum it out with the common folk. Underneath his facade, however, he is actually very insecure, and makes up his tales to compensate for his relative inexperience compared to the rest of the party. Probably college of Glamour, by the way.

And he's a halfling.

[Unoriginal]

The bard: Hmmm...

The bard supposedly visited Avernus himself, bravely seduced Zariel, then ran away from Asmodeus' hordes of devils, catching sight of the titular body part on the way out of Baator. In reality, of course, he has done none of these things, and Asmodeus has sent barbed devil assassins after him as punishment for the slanderous song. The bard himself is a braggart who enjoys exaggeration (in case you couldn't tell from his exploits). He spends a lot of time writing and performing songs about the party's exploits that portray himself in the best possible light while making the rest of the party look like fools. He has many social graces, but uses them only rarely, preparing to slum it out with the common folk. Underneath his facade, however, he is actually very insecure, and makes up his tales to compensate for his relative inexperience compared to the rest of the party. Probably college of Glamour, by the way.

And he's a halfling.

Mmmh, well it doesn't quite fit what I had in mind, but I can work with that.

[Regitnui]

Why not seducing Glasya? Nothing makes daddy more angry than messing with his daughter in his own "home". I can certainly see the comedy in the Lord of the Nine Hells being caught in the bath (rubber ducky included) and bursting into his daughter's room to catch the culprit.

No, it doesn't have to make sense. It just has to be funny.

EDIT: Glasya has gold skin, right? Mentioning Glasya's golden tushie in a song would probably upgrade you to having pit devils sent after you.

[Unoriginal]

Here's my first draft:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEt2XdN_TbQ

Dread Avernus in the Mighty Down
One morning last July,
From the deepest pit came a fire angel
And she moaned when my sword pierced by.
She looked so sweet from her burnt bedsheets
To the sheen of her void-black hair
Such a coaxing fiend, sure I shook myself
For you see I was still there.

[Chorus:]
From lone journey into Dreary Thay
From the Earth Plane to goblin towns
No maid I've seen like the dark Zariel
That I met in the Mighty Down

And so on foot I sped, was spotted ahead,
And I looked with a feelin' rare,
And I says, says I, to Devil nearby,
"What the Nine Hells is the matter?
He smiled at me and he says, says he,
"That's an great duchess you've laid down.
But all mortals form the plane are banned,
The bard will die in the Mighty Down."

[Chorus:]
From lone journey into Dreary Thay
From the Earth Plane to goblin towns
No **** I've seen like Asmodeus
That I met in the Mighty Down


The hordes charged since I was still there
And I lost my lute and it fell down in ashes,
With my shoes burnt bright and my hat chopped right
'Til a smile from my hurt face rose
While devils I smoked, with sword I've shocked
Striking to the left, the right and down
As the smiling Fiend by my own blade's side
Lost his pants in the Mighty Down.


[Chorus:]
From lone journey into Dreary Thay
From the Earth Plane to goblin towns
No **** I've seen like Asmodeus
Who've got his old arse golden

[Repeat]

[Easy_Lee]

The bard: Hmmm...

The bard supposedly visited Avernus himself, bravely seduced Zariel, then ran away from Asmodeus' hordes of devils, catching sight of the titular body part on the way out of Baator. In reality, of course, he has done none of these things, and Asmodeus has sent barbed devil assassins after him as punishment for the slanderous song. The bard himself is a braggart who enjoys exaggeration (in case you couldn't tell from his exploits). He spends a lot of time writing and performing songs about the party's exploits that portray himself in the best possible light while making the rest of the party look like fools. He has many social graces, but uses them only rarely, preparing to slum it out with the common folk. Underneath his facade, however, he is actually very insecure, and makes up his tales to compensate for his relative inexperience compared to the rest of the party. Probably college of Glamour, by the way.

And he's a halfling.

Bravely bold Sir Bardling
Rode forth to Avernus.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave Sir Bardling!
He was not at all afraid
To be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Bardling.
He was not in the least bit scared
To be slashed by devil hordes.
Or to have his eyes gouged out,
And his best flute broken.
To have Asmodeus snap
His tiny self in two,
And his magic items all taken
Brave Sir Bardling.
His ears cut up
And his tongue removed
And his fingers bit off
And his nose hairs plucked
And his earlobes tweaked
And his singing critiqued
And for rocks to...well, maybe not that.

Brave Sir Bardling ran away
He bravely ran away, away.
Took maiden Zariel to bed
Then bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes brave Sir Bardling turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Swiftly running from the horde,
He bravely ran back through the door.
Bravest of the brave, Sir Bardling!

[Pex]

Sing the tale of King Midas, but have it be Asmodeous who gave the wish. The last two lines could be:

"Curse you", said Midas "for what you did to my daughter lass."

Asmodeous did mock him as he turned around and said "Kiss my a--."

[the_brazenburn]

These are great. Perhaps you could tone down the explicitness...

Not sure what the moderators would do about that.

[Ivor_The_Mad]

Not sure what the moderators would do about that.

"Regenerate is a touch based spell"

[Unoriginal]

These are great. Perhaps you could tone down the explicitness...

Not sure what the moderators would do about that.

Mine is already censored

[Easy_Lee]

Mine is already censored

I don't believe in censorship. It's an illusion; I disbelieve it.

[KorvinStarmast]

This is roughly derived from Flora, Lily of the West, a folk song I first heard from Peter, Paul and Mary

When first I went to Devilshome, some pleasure there to find
A damsel there from Baatortown was pleasing to my mind
Her rosy cheeks, her ruby lips, like arrows pierced my breast
The name she bore was Zariel, Lily of Avernus.

I courted this sweet Zariel, some pleasure for to find
But she told me I must marry her, which sore distressed my mind
She'd rob me of my liberty, sedate my muse and jest
I had to leave sweet Zariel, the Lily of Avernus.

'Squattin' in a caldera bog, was a man of high degree
'Twas Zariel's pa, Asmodeous, whose horns glint dangerously
She'd broached his time of gut relief, to plea her case to him
Lo', then I saw my doom at hand, in his visage red and grim

I twisted in her loving grip, escaped her clinging hand
Her scream of pure frustration, incited him to stand
As he stooped to raise his trousers - his curse I could not parse--
I first beheld the glowing cheeks of Asmodeus' golden arse.

I had to ply swift knees, my friends, to save my own dear life
The hounds of hell were sent in chase, their howls bring fire and strife
Zariel's cries of woe awoke the fiends from in the pits
By my luck I escaped the ball and chain, thanks to a devil's s***s

And now I roam from town to town, with song I buy my drink
Over my shoulder I must peek, lest back to hell I sink
It follows me in all the lands, south, north, east, and west
The fury of Zariel scorned, dire Lily of Avernus.

[Unoriginal]

Though honestly I think that Zariel would be more likely to have your PC killed.

Just so you know, she has the power to turn weak people into Veteran threats.

[Caelic]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7km8iVCWyhM

I’m a genius of a bard, for what it’s worth
I stepped through a portal leading off this earth,
Well, it took me away, down to the ninth layer of Hell
And ev'rybody screamed:
Come on, rock me Asmodeus.

I'm a superstar, I have such style and flair,
I charmed those devil girls with my savoir faire.
And we drank and we danced and we fooled around
‘Til I heard a shout:
Come on, rock me Asmodeus,
Asmodeus, Asmodeus, Asmodeus,
Asmodeus, Asmodeus, Asmodeus,
Oh oh oh Asmodeus.

With fire and brimstone, here he came, to punch my ticket
But I viciously mocked him, told him where to stick it
Stole his pants and bared his golden arse for all to see
And all the devil girls pointed and they laughed with glee

I only went down there to have a little fun
But now that devil hates me and I’m on the run.
But I laugh and I taunt him, and go on my way,
And this is what I say:
Come on, rock me, Asmodeus!
Asmodeus, Asmodeus, Asmodeus,
Asmodeus, Asmodeus, Asmodeus,
Oh oh oh Asmodeus.

[EdenIndustries]

This is roughly derived from Flora, Lily of the West, a folk song I first heard from Peter, Paul and Mary
-SNIP-


I've gotta give my vote to Korvin, this made me laugh!