Replace one letter in a class feature

[Lalliman]

From time to time, a thread pops up where people change one letter in a spell name to create funny new spells. But I've never seen it done with class features. Which funny new class features can we make by changing a single letter?

I'll start with some Rogue examples since those came to mind first.

Steak Attack: You can hit your enemies with a steak for 1d6 meat damage.

Bunning Action: You gain proficiency with baker's tools.

Thieves' C*nt: You learn the language of foul-mouthed Australians.

Uncanny Doge: You get a shiba inu companion.

Slippery Mine: You can place mines that release slippery grease when stepped on.

[Vaz]

Projected Bard; Simone comes to D&D.
Altar Memories; Childhood nightmares from the church.
Grit Harvest; You work in the Mining Industry.

[stack]

Action Purge: deny another creature an action.

Fighting Stile: an awkward weapon.

Mild Shape: assume an unassuming form. Very nonthreatening.

Feckless Attack: Its...not very effective.

Math Feature: For the arithmetically focused.

Indomitable Wight: powerful undead creation.

[Ventruenox]

Action Purge: Retcon the past round by having everyone do nothing
Mild Shape: Because even badass druids like to put on a pair of glasses and pretend to be a meek reporter for metropolitan newspapers
Bartic Inspiration: For spiky haired, yellow skinned urchins looking to imitate animated pranks
Song of Jest: To lampoon the campaign in the style of well known musical artists

[KorvinStarmast]

From time to time, a thread pops up where people change one letter in a spell name to create funny new spells. But I've never seen it done with class features. Which funny new class features can we make by changing a single letter?
Chanel, Divinity: a cleric's expensive perfume
Ritual Costing: for the cleric of the Accountancy Domain
Disciple of Wife: disguise yourself as a bride's maid or a mother in law, your choice
Blessed Dealer: gain advantage on any gambling roll ...
Divine Shrike (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shrike): a little bird told me ... a small bird who brings a message from the god/gods that is true
Supreme Sealing: cleric makes any dwelling leak proof

Fort of Magic: a sorcerer's enhanced mage armor feature
Flexible Fasting: a sorcerer's meal plan for Lent (sorry, it's coming up and we are trying to figure out or diet ...)
Betamagic: a sorcerer can replay any combat turn (OK, old Sony Betamax joke ...)
Quackened Spell: transmutation most fowl, it turns the target into a duck.
Mantrips: any spell caster, a slap stick skill

Pack of the Blade: shaving kit for a Warlock
Pict of the Tome: an ancient scots novelist, possibly Robert Burns' ancestor ...
Eldritch Waster: a stoned Warlock, likely with the archfey patron ...
Hurl through Hall: a Warlock tosses a performer out of Carnegie, because they didn't practice, practice, practice ...

Spill Mastery: a wizard never spills his drink ...
Signature Swells: Surfer Wizard!

Jock of All Trades: Athletic proficiency for a bard
Card College: proficiency gain in gambling
Putting Words: You can talk your ball into the hole ... which IRL none of us can do on the green!
Magical Sucrets: candy that improves your disposition/charisma (not even sure if that brand of candy exists any more)
Beerless Skill: A bard can try any stunt without first handing his beer to a friend. (Riff on "hold my beer, watch this!")
Lack of All Trades: The bard has proficiency in nothing


Weld Shape: allows a Druid to wear metal armor that he crafts (please, let's not start that again!)
Droid Circle: you choose to become R2D2 or C3PO
Rimeless Body: immunity to ice/cold damage (see rime ice ...)
Breast Spells: druid puts plastic surgeons out of business.
Band's stride: drives the wagon with musician's/bard's instruments. You are a roadie Druid ...
Nature's yard: a game preserve guarded by druidic magic. No hunting!

Great Weapon Lighting: all two handed swords are now lit up, like light sabers

Martial Orts: the leftovers from the Heroe's Feast spell
Defect Missiles: any arrow, spear, dart, bolt, rock, stone, etc breaks on impact, causing no damage.
Slow Fill: your Guinness is always properly poured, if you are "Way of the Drunken Master" monk.
Stillness of Wind: your monk never farts

Rayon Hands: Paladin always has gloves on
Divine Spite: a paladin curses the target (similar to bestow curse ...)
Sacred Bath: a paladin water ritual that removes curses
Math Spells: paladins always calculate correctly
Sura of Protection: any paladin wielding a scimitar grants + to saving throws equal to Charisma bonus

Sage: A barbarian's lore mastery class ability ... or...
Neckless Attack: Barbarian can't be critically hit
Dagger Sense: can't be surprised by an attack using a dagger
Fart Movement: your speed increases by 20' after any meal with spicy food. Can be used no more than once per rest.
Fetal Instinct: can tell if any creature is pregnant/has young in its womb/sac/whatever
Relentless Page: casts a message over and over until the recipient acknowledges the message. Usable once per rest. (Do people still use pagers?)
Persistent Wage: always has money enough in the pouch to afford a comfortable life style
Indomitable Night: No need to call the doctor after four hours of using this class ability ... :smallcool:
Pith of the Berserker: tells terse, crazy jokes.
Mindless Rave: Able to party all night without getting a level in exhaustion; reduce Int to 3 when doing so.

[LeonBH]

Second Wine: When the first one was too good and you haven't had enough to drink.
Strip Attack: A physically attractive person removes their clothes to distract you.
Bar Magic: You just don't know how the bartender pulled that off.

[Luccan]

Charnel Divinity: Just the death cleric's channel divinity feature

Weld Shape: Gain proficiency with smith's tools

Jack of Alt Trades: You gain advantage on persuasion checks when haggling at Hot Topic

Counterharm: Yet another healing ability

Student of Bar: Gain proficiency in Persuasion and Insight

[Joe the Rat]

All about the Warlock

Ardor of Shadows: They really, really like you.
Part of the Chain: It's your link to your patron.
Agonizing Beast: It's such a pain to deal with
Repelling Beast: ...and nobody wants to be near it.
Hurl through Hill: Massive bludgeoning damage, and quick excavation in one feature!
Fed Presence: A dark suit and a badge can get you anywhere.
Bock of Ancient Secrets: This beer contains mysteries beyond understanding... and lets you create holy water. Best not discuss how.
Missy Escape: You disappear in a flash, and turn up as the main villain a couple of episodes later.

[RickAsWritten]

Stork Aura-While raging you are surrounded by 1d4 spectral storks(LG eblis) wielding babies.

Divine Furry-While raging, you gain the Wild Shape feature, but are restricted to fluffy, anthropomorphic versions of animals. Your only attack is a dry-hump that deals 1d12 psychic damage.

Blaze Flourish-You gain proficiency and expertise with smoking pipes. As a bonus action, you can exhale an animated, illusory cloud of smoke in a 15ft cone. Any creature within the illusion must make a Wisdom saving throw or be charmed by you until the end of your next turn. Any creature that is in this area of affect, including your character, must consume food or rations equal to one day's worth of nutrients in the next 10 minutes or suffer one level of exhaustion.

Circle of Morality-Zone of Truth, but any creature that acts counter to its alignment takes 3d6 psychic damage.

Walken in Dreams-One creature of your choice within 30ft must make a Wisdom saving throw or have Christopher Walken show up in their dreams, any time they sleep. In this dream-state he orders a spectral being in a belly-shirt to cast Toll the Dead until the affected creature wakes up.

[ImproperJustice]

Car Magic: Summon a large but sensible sedan with good mileage.

Improved Car magic: Summon a sports car or gas gazzling Hummer

Car Cleric:
In service to the pantheon of Top Gear

Includes abilities such as Car Priest, Car God’s blessing, Divine Trike, and Guided Trike.

[Vogie]

Pact of the Slade
https://img.discogs.com/9J395VEXkSujueRpdaYjQhCUwg8=/fit-in/300x300/filters:strip_icc():format(jpeg):mode_rgb():qualit y(40)/discogs-images/A-124534-1295066560.jpeg.jpg

Pact of the Home
At 3rd level, your otherworldly patron bestows a tiny hut you can summon, that grows and gains additional abilities every 3 levels.

Pact of the Chair
Despite the fact you have told them to stop, your otherworldly patron will gift you a chair as a gift for weddings, housewarming, and other events. None of the chairs match.

[stack]

Pact of the Glade, for more woodsy warlocks.

[Slipperychicken]

Bonus Catnip: You really know how to squeeze the most out of your catnip. When you spend a charge from a bag of catnip, you gain two doses of catnip instead of one. Additionally, you may use bags of catnip as a bonus action.

Disciple of Lift: Your devotion to fitness allows you to treat your carrying capacity as if you were one size category larger. You also gain advantage on ability checks relating to lifting or carrying.

Preserve Lift: When lifting or holding an object of any kind within your encumbrance limit, you may use your concentration on the lift. While your concentration lasts, you do not need to make any tests to hold it aloft and you may hold that particular object indefinitely without tiring or impeding your movement.

Divine Shrike: At 8th level, you may call upon your diety's favored bird for aid. You gain the Find Familiar spell, but may only use it to summon shrikes.

Channel Divinity: Clonk of Shadows: As an action, you may become invisible until the end of your turn. However, doing so causes a loud noise clearly audible up to 300 feet. When you use this ability, you may not use it again until you finish a long rest.

[Lalliman]

Great stuff so far!

Page: You can cast spells as a wizard, but your spellbook is only one page.

Cage: You can gain Expertise in Intimidation by putting on a hammy Nicolas Cage persona.

Dinger Sense: You can sense the presence of male reproductive organs within 30 feet.

College of Bore: A bard college that enhances your ability to drill holes in things and to put people to sleep with long lectures.

[Rysto]

Steak Attack: You can hit your enemies with a steak for 1d6 meat damage.

Only if it's flank steak, though.

[BloodOgre]

Pact of the Blame: No matter what happens, it isn't your fault.

[stack]

Lard College: PE wasn't part of the curriculum. Reminiscent of the Pathfinder Bloatmage prestige class.

[Nidgit]

Divine Smile: burn a spell slots to blind or charm an enemy
Flavored Enemy: restore health upon defeating and cooking your foes
Hypnotic Glaze: charm others with melted sugar
Lay On Sands: take a little vacation
Subtle Smell: silent but deadly

[Slipperychicken]

Gentle Depose: Choose one leader you can see within 60 feet. That leader must make a charisma saving throw or be peaceably removed from power.

[bid]

Marital Arts... technically, re-placing one letter elsewhere.

[NecessaryWeevil]

Storecunning: You have advantage on any Charisma check made to buy, sell or trade.

[Caelic]

Eyes of the Dork: Cripple a foe's social skills by causing their eyes to cross comically.

Strength of the Rave: The ability to engage in repetitive, high-energy dance for hours on end while waving glowsticks.

Pound of Ill Omen: Create crippling feelings of inferiority in the target by making them sensitive about weight gain.

Stork's Fury: A wrathful waterfowl smites your enemies.

Heard of the Storm: The ability to detect nearby thunderstorms with nothing but one's ears.

Bogus Cantrips: Gain the not-so-useful cantrips Sacred Flake, Massage, and Troll the Dead.

Nature's Wreath: Adorn your foes with lovely garlands made from local flora.

Undoing Sentinel: Summon a mighty guardian who would be devastating in battle, if he weren't terminally lazy.

Cow of Enmity: To forgive is divine. It certainly isn't bovine.

[Joe the Rat]

Marital Arts... technically, re-placing one letter elsewhere.

Is that what we're calling it these days, "placing a letter?"

Best not discuss that second wand that Fighters have

[JakOfAllTirades]

Having a look at the Hexblade:

Expended Spell List: You can steal spells your cursed target has already used.

Hexblade's Curve: You can hit your chosen foe around corners: cover has no effect.

Vex Warrior: You can annoy a target in melee with you, causing disadvantage on their next attack.

Armor of Sexes: <redacted>

Raster of Hexes: Fill a rectangular area with parallel hex lines.

[JakOfAllTirades]

Pact of the Blame: No matter what happens, it isn't your fault.

Alternately; You married your patron and everything is your fault.

[Arkhios]

Lay on Hinds ...let's not delve any deeper in bestiality territory...

[Slurm Browley]

Flurry of Blobs- Spend one ki point to conjure and throw two flumphs as a bonus action.
Wilf Shape- Turn into Donna Noble's grandfather. You gain the ability scores of an elderly British man.
Lay on Lands- Have a nice nap. May not be falling, flying, or over water to use this ability.
Jack of Alf Trades- Gain advantage on Charisma(Persuasion) rolls used to negotiate commerce relating to the 80's sitcom Alf.
Stunning Strife- Spend one ki point to tell a tragic tale from your childhood to make an opponent count their blessings.

[Mortis_Elrod]

Flurry of Flows- you channel the Rap God, and spit some sick bars .

[Caelic]

Furry of Blows: Summon a guy in an anime-esque wolf suit to pummel your opponents soundly.

[Caelic]

Jock of All Trades: Add your proficiency bonus to any Strength (Athletics) roll. You are proficient with all types of sporting gear.

[Slipperychicken]

Bong of Rest: Yeah, uh.. let's just.. *Snores*

Fond of Inspiration: When someone nearby uses inspiration, you feel a little better

Cutting Lords: You have advantage on attack rolls made against characters of noble blood, or similar social or economic standing

Hard College: Your school of choice is much less lenient when it comes to grades.

Manical Secrets: The secret to your success is using the manic phases of your manic depression. When you are aware that someone within sight knows this secret, you grow despondent and feel like a fraud.

Ability Scope Improvement: Choose one ability score and one proficiency you have. You may always use the selected ability score when rolls involving that proficiency are called for.

Spell Sluts: Once per long rest, you may conjure 1d4+1 student-magicians (treat as level one human sorcerers). They remain for 3d4 hours, until bored, or until you finish a long rest; whichever comes first. They are under no obligation to obey commands, but have disadvantage on opposed charisma checks.

[Luccan]

Oh, here's one

College of Balor: In all likelihood, you shall not pass

[KorvinStarmast]

Disciple of Lift: Your devotion to fitness allows you to treat your carrying capacity as if you were one size category larger. You also gain advantage on ability checks relating to lifting or carrying.

Preserve Lift: When lifting or holding an object of any kind within your encumbrance limit, you may use your concentration on the lift. While your concentration lasts, you do not need to make any tests to hold it aloft and you may hold that particular object indefinitely without tiring or impeding your movement. Alternately ...

Disciple of Lift: you can fly (or maybe 'cast the fly spell once per rest ...)
Preserve Lift: the prone condition cannot bring you down from flying.

Alternately
Disciple of Lift: You can craft a Gnomish Flying Machine (Warcraft II version (http://classic.battle.net/war2/units/fz.shtml)) if you spend 1 week and 600 gold on crafting materials.
Preserve lift: you can craft a Goblin Zepplin (Warcraft II version (http://classic.battle.net/war2/units/fz.shtml)) if you spend 1 week and 600 gold on crafting materials.

[Caelic]

MANGER SENSE: Ability to sense any stable, creche, or manger within a hundred yards.

FECAL INSTINCT: ...uhm.