hyperfreak497
2007-09-01, 11:19 PM
Well, I think that this thread needs to be here. I searched around the forum and couldn't find a thread just for posting your writing, plain and simple, so I decided to make this one. I'm currently writing a modern fantasy novel (basic premise: boy gets possessed by a demon and an angel simultaneously, chaos ensues; I'm still not sure if this has been done before) and would like some critiquing. If anyone else does decide to post a story, please, be courteous and put it in a spoiler.
So, here's my prologue:
Sumil’s feet crunched on the bones of the incinerated angel he had just finished. Flames that crackled between blood-red and pitch-black ran up and down his arms. He turned towards a pitiful figure cowering in the corner, using it’s enormous feathered wings to shelter itself from the demon’s stare.
“Please don’t hurt me!” the pitiful angel pleaded with the merciless demon. “I’m not a fighter! I just do research!”
“But you’re in my way,” Sumil telepathically retorted. The flames turned black, then transformed into chains. The angel’s gaze became transfixed, tears rolling down his cheeks as he sobbed. “And I simply can’t let that slide.” With no emotion, Sumil lowered his arms, letting the chains, still flickering into flame occasionally, drop to the ground. With minds of their own, the chains slithered across to the pathetic angel. A scream tore lose from his throat as the chains wound around his legs. Sumil’s massive hand clamped on his mouth. “No fair. The others aren’t supposed to know I’m here yet.” The great demon let a hellish smile crease his face as he tore out the angel’s throat. The chains gathered up what was left of the angel and slid down into the floor…
The short, plump, red-headed angel burst into the infant soul room, his chest rising up and down as blood pumped out of a cut in his shoulder.
“A demon is here!” the angel cried, ripping his robe and holding the scrap on his gaping wound. “He broke through all levels of security, and he’s headed to the main control room. We need all reinforcements there!” The tall figure he was addressing made no effort to move. “Now!”
“After all these years, you still haven’t changed your disguise?” the angel asked contemptuously.
The blood ceased to fall to the floor.
“I guess you’re just too good for me,” the red-head cackled as he grew taller, his feathered wings bursting to let his true demonic wings break through.
“Hello again, Brother.” Sumil cast the thought into his angelic brother’s mind.
“Do not call me that, demon!” Isaac was revolted at the thought of being related to the monstrosity before him. “You stopped being my brother the day you gave into Satan’s temptations! We swore an oath together!”
“Oaths mean nothing.”
“Then your honor means nothing.”
Why?
Why had Isaac’s identical twin brother betrayed his angelic brethren? Why had he betrayed God? Most of all, why had he betrayed Isaac?
“Many angels cast aside their holiness in worldly bids for power. There’s a reason Lucifer has been called the Prince of Liars. Fallen angels are not allowed a second chance.” Michael’s words echoed in Isaac’s mind.
I will not fail you, Brother! I will hurl this beast back from whence he came!
Isaac threw his elbow into Sumil’s throat, driving him back and to the ground. He crashed against the beautifully white wall.
How?
How could a third-rate security angel be defeating one of Lucifer’s chief lieutenants?
Sumil tried to regain his footing. “I defeated half a dozen Archangels on my way here. I will not be stopped by the likes of you!” The demon hurled the remark telepathically at the angel as Sumil picked up his dual katanas from the blindingly white floor.
“You will never defeat me. I have my comrades to assist me.” Isaac gestured at the white mist creeping along the equally white wall, over the bassinets of unborn infants.
“The souls of the angels I destroyed?! What sorcery are you using?!” Sumil began to feel doubt about this mission for the first time.
“No sorcery but faith. Faith in myself, faith in my brothers, and faith in my God. Destruction does not stop us from helping each other. Angels stand together forever. Loyalty like that is something an animal like you could never understand.” Isaac spat the thought at Sumil as he drew his greatsword and dashed toward the devil. Swinging his blade down in a powerful arc, he let out a shout of rage.
What?
The unborn child looked ignorantly upon the dangerous warriors, not comprehending the battle occurring just above him.
Sumil sidestepped the stroke and slashed at Isaac’s exposed midsection with one of his jet-black swords. In a flash of light, the angel reversed his swing expertly, parrying the blow and making the curved blade reverberate painfully. Another dark katana was
already flying towards Isaac’s head as Sumil gritted his teeth in pain against the vibration of his weapon. The demon knew his only hope was to wear Isaac’s impenetrable guard down. Parrying the angel’s strikes would only numb his hands. Dodging another slash, he brought his clawed bat wings in, giving himself time to move back while continuing the attack.
Isaac countered Sumil’s wings with his own feathered ones. As he drew his wings back again, the angel brushed a bassinet. A tiny hand reached up to stroke the soft, white feathers. Isaac looked down at the enormous, hazel eyes.
“My opening!” Sumil lunged at Isaac’s throat with his left sword. The angel dodged right at the last possible moment, feeling the razor-sharp blade against his neck. Sumil had anticipated the dodge and swung his right sword into Isaac’s exposed side.
The katana ripped a huge gash in Isaac’s side. Glittering, blue blood spilled out of his robe, but the angel ignored the mortal wound and lunged at the demon’s heart with his greatsword. The tip ripped through Sumil’s chest and protruded out the other side. Sumil’s black blood mingled with the blue blood on the ground. The two dying brothers fell together. Both had long, dirty blond hair, hazel eyes and muscular bodies. If not for their wings, they would have been impossible to tell apart.
As both angel and demon breathed their last, mist in the same color of their blood came out of their mouths. The black and blue fog settled over the bassinet of the child who had brushed Isaac’s wing. As the unborn baby inhaled, the mist entered his lungs. The supernatural souls drifted into the infant’s body. Soon, the haze had completely disappeared.
Sorry about any formatting errors; I just copy+pasted it from Microsoft Word.
EDIT: I just realized there's already a place for posting stories here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8740). So, you can still post your stories here then link over like the OP said in that one. But please, for the love of God, SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING!!!!!
So, here's my prologue:
Sumil’s feet crunched on the bones of the incinerated angel he had just finished. Flames that crackled between blood-red and pitch-black ran up and down his arms. He turned towards a pitiful figure cowering in the corner, using it’s enormous feathered wings to shelter itself from the demon’s stare.
“Please don’t hurt me!” the pitiful angel pleaded with the merciless demon. “I’m not a fighter! I just do research!”
“But you’re in my way,” Sumil telepathically retorted. The flames turned black, then transformed into chains. The angel’s gaze became transfixed, tears rolling down his cheeks as he sobbed. “And I simply can’t let that slide.” With no emotion, Sumil lowered his arms, letting the chains, still flickering into flame occasionally, drop to the ground. With minds of their own, the chains slithered across to the pathetic angel. A scream tore lose from his throat as the chains wound around his legs. Sumil’s massive hand clamped on his mouth. “No fair. The others aren’t supposed to know I’m here yet.” The great demon let a hellish smile crease his face as he tore out the angel’s throat. The chains gathered up what was left of the angel and slid down into the floor…
The short, plump, red-headed angel burst into the infant soul room, his chest rising up and down as blood pumped out of a cut in his shoulder.
“A demon is here!” the angel cried, ripping his robe and holding the scrap on his gaping wound. “He broke through all levels of security, and he’s headed to the main control room. We need all reinforcements there!” The tall figure he was addressing made no effort to move. “Now!”
“After all these years, you still haven’t changed your disguise?” the angel asked contemptuously.
The blood ceased to fall to the floor.
“I guess you’re just too good for me,” the red-head cackled as he grew taller, his feathered wings bursting to let his true demonic wings break through.
“Hello again, Brother.” Sumil cast the thought into his angelic brother’s mind.
“Do not call me that, demon!” Isaac was revolted at the thought of being related to the monstrosity before him. “You stopped being my brother the day you gave into Satan’s temptations! We swore an oath together!”
“Oaths mean nothing.”
“Then your honor means nothing.”
Why?
Why had Isaac’s identical twin brother betrayed his angelic brethren? Why had he betrayed God? Most of all, why had he betrayed Isaac?
“Many angels cast aside their holiness in worldly bids for power. There’s a reason Lucifer has been called the Prince of Liars. Fallen angels are not allowed a second chance.” Michael’s words echoed in Isaac’s mind.
I will not fail you, Brother! I will hurl this beast back from whence he came!
Isaac threw his elbow into Sumil’s throat, driving him back and to the ground. He crashed against the beautifully white wall.
How?
How could a third-rate security angel be defeating one of Lucifer’s chief lieutenants?
Sumil tried to regain his footing. “I defeated half a dozen Archangels on my way here. I will not be stopped by the likes of you!” The demon hurled the remark telepathically at the angel as Sumil picked up his dual katanas from the blindingly white floor.
“You will never defeat me. I have my comrades to assist me.” Isaac gestured at the white mist creeping along the equally white wall, over the bassinets of unborn infants.
“The souls of the angels I destroyed?! What sorcery are you using?!” Sumil began to feel doubt about this mission for the first time.
“No sorcery but faith. Faith in myself, faith in my brothers, and faith in my God. Destruction does not stop us from helping each other. Angels stand together forever. Loyalty like that is something an animal like you could never understand.” Isaac spat the thought at Sumil as he drew his greatsword and dashed toward the devil. Swinging his blade down in a powerful arc, he let out a shout of rage.
What?
The unborn child looked ignorantly upon the dangerous warriors, not comprehending the battle occurring just above him.
Sumil sidestepped the stroke and slashed at Isaac’s exposed midsection with one of his jet-black swords. In a flash of light, the angel reversed his swing expertly, parrying the blow and making the curved blade reverberate painfully. Another dark katana was
already flying towards Isaac’s head as Sumil gritted his teeth in pain against the vibration of his weapon. The demon knew his only hope was to wear Isaac’s impenetrable guard down. Parrying the angel’s strikes would only numb his hands. Dodging another slash, he brought his clawed bat wings in, giving himself time to move back while continuing the attack.
Isaac countered Sumil’s wings with his own feathered ones. As he drew his wings back again, the angel brushed a bassinet. A tiny hand reached up to stroke the soft, white feathers. Isaac looked down at the enormous, hazel eyes.
“My opening!” Sumil lunged at Isaac’s throat with his left sword. The angel dodged right at the last possible moment, feeling the razor-sharp blade against his neck. Sumil had anticipated the dodge and swung his right sword into Isaac’s exposed side.
The katana ripped a huge gash in Isaac’s side. Glittering, blue blood spilled out of his robe, but the angel ignored the mortal wound and lunged at the demon’s heart with his greatsword. The tip ripped through Sumil’s chest and protruded out the other side. Sumil’s black blood mingled with the blue blood on the ground. The two dying brothers fell together. Both had long, dirty blond hair, hazel eyes and muscular bodies. If not for their wings, they would have been impossible to tell apart.
As both angel and demon breathed their last, mist in the same color of their blood came out of their mouths. The black and blue fog settled over the bassinet of the child who had brushed Isaac’s wing. As the unborn baby inhaled, the mist entered his lungs. The supernatural souls drifted into the infant’s body. Soon, the haze had completely disappeared.
Sorry about any formatting errors; I just copy+pasted it from Microsoft Word.
EDIT: I just realized there's already a place for posting stories here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8740). So, you can still post your stories here then link over like the OP said in that one. But please, for the love of God, SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING!!!!!